1
00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,080
[audience applauds]

2
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:13,560
[Jimmy laughs boisterously]

3
00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:17,440
People say... You will have heard this,

4
00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:20,960
people say, "You can't joke
about anything these days."

5
00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:22,560
Watch me now.

6
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:24,640
[audience laughs]

7
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:27,400
We're gonna kick off our evening
with some short, edgy jokes,

8
00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:30,280
get the measure of each other,
see if we're gonna be friends.

9
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,520
[audience cheers and whoops]

10
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,400
Eyes down, everyone.
Let's fucking do this.

11
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:35,760
[audience cheers]

12
00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:38,240
I bought my girlfriend a bath bomb.

13
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:40,120
I say that... toaster.

14
00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:42,360
[audience laughs]

15
00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:45,400
She was shocked.

16
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,600
[audience laughs]

17
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:50,360
When my girlfriend found out
I'd been drunk driving,

18
00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:51,520
she hit the roof.

19
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,080
[audience laughs]

20
00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,200
I was in Hong Kong.

21
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,800
Their Chinatown is fucking massive.

22
00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:04,160
[audience laughs]

23
00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:08,840
I've got a half brother.

24
00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:10,280
Sorry. Transgender.

25
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:12,440
[audience laughs]

26
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,800
[audience applauds and cheers]

27
00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:23,480
It's a cliché, I suppose,
but I... I... I, um...

28
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:25,080
I used to tell jokes at school

29
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:26,920
to stop kids from bullying me.

30
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,480
They used to shout mean things like,

31
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:31,200
"Get out of our playground,
you pedophile!"

32
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:32,720
[audience laughs]

33
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:36,520
I've got feelings.

34
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:41,000
My art teacher at school was a pedophile.

35
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:43,800
Yeah, so it really was
back to the drawing board.

36
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:45,640
[audience laughs]

37
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,520
I write a lot of my jokes on my iPhone,

38
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,400
but the autocorrect is always
fucking up the lunch line.

39
00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:56,720
[audience laughs]

40
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:01,760
- Ah...
- [scattered applause]

41
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:03,360
Sure.

42
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:04,800
[audience applauds]

43
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,200
Everyone in here's
got a mobile phone, right?

44
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:09,160
[audience agrees]

45
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:11,360
And they're incredible.
They've done so much for us.

46
00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:13,560
But it has come at a price.

47
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:16,400
They've robbed us
of our ability to concentrate,

48
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:18,560
those mobile phones, yeah?
A good example. Last week,

49
00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:20,520
I had to do a simple piece
of mental arithmetic.

50
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,136
'Course, I couldn't do it in my head,
needed the app on the phone.

51
00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,840
Before I'd even opened the calculator app,
I checked my email,

52
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:28,160
updated my Instagram, and hit a cyclist.

53
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,800
[audience laughs]

54
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:37,640
Are you aware of the mobile phone
secretly listening to your conversation?

55
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:40,240
- [audience] Yes.
- It's creepy, right?

56
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:42,640
You'll be chatting to a friend
about the good old days,

57
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,640
and then for the next two weeks,
you're bombarded with adverts

58
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:47,200
for anal beads and butt plugs.

59
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,280
[audience laughs]

60
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,840
My, uh... My girlfriend likes
to be tied up. [chuckles]

61
00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:57,960
But, it turns out,
really scared of railway tracks.

62
00:02:58,040 --> 00:02:59,280
[audience laughs]

63
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:02,680
When I masturbate, thanks for asking...

64
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:03,840
[audience laughs]

65
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,080
When I masturbate,
I always put my pinky up

66
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:08,160
so it looks like a fancy lady is, uh...

67
00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:09,560
[audience chuckles]

68
00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:11,000
...fingering my asshole.

69
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:12,760
[audience laughs]

70
00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:17,720
There's a sub-genre of porn
called POV porn,

71
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,240
which is shot from the man's perspective,

72
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:21,720
so you see what the man sees

73
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,800
when he's having sex with the lovely lady
in the pornographic film.

74
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:27,600
I'm gonna make POV porn,
little money-making scheme,

75
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,040
and make POV porn,
but from the woman's perspective.

76
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,560
Huh? It's gonna be super easy
to shoot as well.

77
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:37,560
It's just a close-up of a headboard,
a pillow, a ceiling, and some dude's feet.

78
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:38,800
[audience laughs]

79
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:44,040
Well, 'cause people say men have got...
are more sort of visual than women.

80
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,920
Well, I don't think so.
I think we just have a better view, right?

81
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:47,880
[audience laughs]

82
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:50,216
Think about it.
There's a bit of reverse cowgirl going on.

83
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,200
We're thinking, "Her ass looks amazing."

84
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:55,120
She's thinking,
"He needs to clip his toenails."

85
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:56,640
[audience laughs]

86
00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:00,800
It's not as erotically charged, is it?

87
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,480
Do any couples in here
watch porn together?

88
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,800
- Who watches porn as a couple?
- [man] Yeah.

89
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:07,000
One bloke on his own.

90
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,600
[audience laughs]

91
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:12,320
[audience applauds and cheers]

92
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:13,400
Are you...

93
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,840
You're watching enough for two, are you?

94
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:17,120
[audience laughs]

95
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:19,160
[Jimmy laughs]

96
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,360
We tried...
We tried watching porn as a couple,

97
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:24,000
but it didn't work for us at all.
Very different tastes.

98
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,920
She likes stuff with proper narrative
and characterization.

99
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,400
I like stuff with animals.

100
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,280
[audience laughs]

101
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,160
I was watching <i>Gaping Anuses 3...</i>

102
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:36,880
[audience laughs]

103
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,160
<i>Planet of the Gapes.</i>

104
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:41,600
And sure, I enjoyed it,

105
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:43,600
but there were some pretty big holes
in the plot.

106
00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:45,680
[audience laughs]

107
00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:50,640
This next joke
is sort of a canary in the mine.

108
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:52,840
It's there to test the air.

109
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,960
Your reaction to this joke tells me
an awful lot about you as an audience.

110
00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:57,280
Doesn't change anything.

111
00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:01,480
I'm gonna tell you the same jokes
this evening regardless of your reaction.

112
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:04,560
It just tells me how much
you're gonna enjoy our time together.

113
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,520
- [audience laughs mildly]
- Good luck.

114
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,240
[audience laughs]

115
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,360
I was in a grocery store
a couple of weeks ago.

116
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:11,440
They had a special on.

117
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:12,960
He was collecting the carts.

118
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:15,280
- [audience laughs]
- [scattered groaning]

119
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,920
I think we're going
to be friends, aren't we?

120
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,280
[audience laughs]

121
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,560
[audience applauds and cheers]

122
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,840
And no, no disrespect.

123
00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:32,360
One of my best friends
is a special needs teacher.

124
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,080
Well, I say he's a special needs teacher.

125
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,640
It's a totally normal school,
but it's in Norfolk, so, you know.

126
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:37,720
[audience laughs]

127
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:43,280
- Is anyone in from Norfolk?
- [scattered people] Yeah.

128
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:45,160
- [man yells] Yeah.
- You're from Norfolk? Oh!

129
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,600
- Yeah, that checks out.
- [audience laughs]

130
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:49,760
If you're not familiar, uh, Norfolk's...

131
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,680
So, what are you working with
there, my friend?

132
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:53,280
Just the one set of grandparents?

133
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,760
- [audience laughs]
- [scattered groans]

134
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,600
Family tree like a fucking broom handle.

135
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,160
[audience laughs]

136
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,640
You didn't meet the missus on Tinder,
did you?

137
00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:08,440
What was it, ancestry.com?

138
00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:10,240
[audience laughs]

139
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,040
That's giving you
the benefit of the doubt.

140
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:13,920
It may well be "siblings with benefits."

141
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,160
[audience laughs and groans]

142
00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:17,320
Too close to home?

143
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,080
[audience laughs]

144
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:22,440
He'll be livid when he gets those jokes.

145
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,520
[audience laughs]

146
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:26,800
[audience cheers and applauds]

147
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,400
My girlfriend snores quite a lot.
Has anyone else got that problem?

148
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:36,320
[audience] Yes.

149
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,440
Yeah, my girlfriend snores quite a lot,
but luckily,

150
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,960
I've got these noise-cancelling fists.

151
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:42,920
[audience laughs]

152
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,440
Is anyone here
in a controlling relationship?

153
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:51,960
Raise your partner's hand.

154
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:54,040
[audience laughs]

155
00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:57,920
[Jimmy laughs]

156
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,520
I'm no good with ages,
especially with young women.

157
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,560
They could be mid-20s.
They could be 15. You just don't know.

158
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:05,840
[audience chuckles]

159
00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:07,480
Well, there's a story.

160
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:10,360
So I was in Covent Garden,
very touristy bit of London.

161
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:14,120
I'm sat on the Piazza there,
having a cup of tea, minding my business.

162
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:18,560
This beautiful, willowy-looking girl
walks in, sits opposite me,

163
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:20,320
and just keeps on looking over.

164
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:23,800
Tons of eye contact,
very flirty, and very obvious about it.

165
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,096
Now, that sort of thing
does not happen to me very often,

166
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:27,480
so I was incredibly flattered,

167
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,040
but I couldn't tell how old she was,

168
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,400
and I thought,
"Well, I'm not taking a chance."

169
00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:32,920
So I asked.

170
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:34,320
[audience laughs]

171
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:37,440
I just straight-up asked. I said,
"Excuse me, do you mind me asking,

172
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:38,600
how old are you?"

173
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:40,320
She said, "I'm 23."

174
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,200
I said, "I'm sorry for wasting your time."

175
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,800
[audience laughs and groans]

176
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:48,720
[audience applauds]

177
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,120
[laughs]

178
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,080
Ah, it's just a joke,
as far as any of you can prove.

179
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:57,640
[audience laughs]

180
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,720
Last year, I lost my father to dementia.

181
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,656
I guess we could've stuck around
to look for him for longer, but fuck it.

182
00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:06,120
[audience laughs]

183
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:13,600
The great thing about that,
anyone offended won't remember.

184
00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:14,960
[audience laughs]

185
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,480
I've written a two-word joke,
and I'm quite pleased with this

186
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:21,440
'cause I've written a joke
for an unsung group within our society,

187
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:24,400
a group that I don't think
gets the respect that they deserve.

188
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,840
- Stepdads. We got any stepdads in?
- [man cheers]

189
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:29,120
Oh, you're a stepdad here?
What's your name, my friend?

190
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,320
- Daniel.
- Daniel. I've written you a joke, Daniel.

191
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,640
Won't take long. It's only two words.

192
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:36,120
Stepdads... motherfuckers.

193
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,200
[audience laughs]

194
00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:39,520
[applauding and cheering]

195
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:40,600
Easy.

196
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:42,680
And Daniel...

197
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:48,040
no one is telling you how to parent.
I'm sure you do a terrific job as-is.

198
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:50,160
All I would say is,
the next time you see the kids,

199
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:51,720
could be as soon as tomorrow morning,

200
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:53,520
you, you know, point out
the obvious to them.

201
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,800
You say, "Look, kids, 'stepdad'
is an inherently disrespectful term."

202
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:58,880
"From here on in, 'motherfucker.'"

203
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,160
[audience laughs]

204
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,320
"Now, finish your Cocoa Puffs."

205
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,440
"I'm just gonna nip upstairs
and fuck your mum."

206
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,400
[audience laughs]

207
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,000
Is this the MILF in question?

208
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:12,800
[audience laughs]

209
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:15,896
Very nice. Came with a bit of baggage,
you couldn't give a fuck. Good on you.

210
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:17,080
[audience laughs]

211
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,160
How many socks have you got, Daniel?

212
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:25,360
Are you not familiar with the term? Socks.

213
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,480
Some Other Cunt's Kids.

214
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:29,960
[audience laughs]

215
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,040
[audience cheers and applauds]

216
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,040
[Jimmy laughs]

217
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:40,520
[laughs]

218
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,160
Climate change. Let's talk about it.

219
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:48,720
Climate change is like my niece.

220
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:50,480
It's getting hotter every year.

221
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:52,560
[audience laughs and groans]

222
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,560
It's not as bad as you think.
She'll be six next month.

223
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,480
[audience groans]

224
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,680
I don't even like the term "niece."
I prefer to say, "NILF."

225
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,760
[audience groans]

226
00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:14,040
My girlfriend is vegan. Sorry,
don't know why I'm telling you that.

227
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:15,760
I assume she's already told you.

228
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:17,680
[audience laughs]

229
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,520
Are there any vegans here?
Got vegans in the house?

230
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:21,920
- [woman] Hey!
- One over there.

231
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,440
- What's your name, my vegan friend?
- Erica.

232
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,160
Erica? Very nice to have you here, Erica.

233
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,320
I'm not... I'm not gonna make jokes
about vegan food.

234
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:29,840
I think it would be tasteless.

235
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:31,960
[audience laughs]

236
00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:35,176
But I've got a question for you, Erica,
'cause my partner is vegan.

237
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,440
She had a question about veganism.
Maybe you could help.

238
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:40,280
Uh, she wants to know
is semen okay for vegans?

239
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:41,600
[audience laughs]

240
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:44,760
Because if it isn't,
she's gotta stop having tennis lessons.

241
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,840
[audience laughs]

242
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:50,600
- What do you think, Erica?
- I love semen!

243
00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:52,840
- [audience exclaims and laughs]
- Well...

244
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,560
[audience applauds]

245
00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,720
Fair enough.
Probably the only protein you're getting.

246
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:02,800
{\an8}- [exclaims]
- [audience laughs]

247
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,640
It's a great answer, Erica.
It's a great answer.

248
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,280
Not the best answer I've ever had.

249
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,880
Best answer I ever had, Erica,
I was doing a gig in London,

250
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,160
and this lady in the front row was vegan.

251
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:18,440
I said, "Is semen okay for vegans?"
And she went, "Human semen?"

252
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:21,080
[audience exclaims and laughs]

253
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:22,600
What the fuck?

254
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:25,120
How would you even get to that?

255
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:29,520
I know vegans are meant to love animals,
but sounds like she really loves animals.

256
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:30,600
[audience laughs]

257
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,960
Knife crime. Huge problem in the UK.

258
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,920
What can be done?
Well, simple solution. Guns.

259
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:39,640
[audience laughs]

260
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,040
Right, there's no knife crime
in America, is there?

261
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:43,480
[audience chuckles]

262
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,920
[audience laughs]

263
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:49,960
Have we got any Americans in?
Any Americans?

264
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:51,416
- [people cheer]
- A few over there.

265
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:53,000
- What's your name, sir?
- [man] Ken.

266
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,640
Ken? Of course it is.

267
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:56,720
[audience laughs]

268
00:11:57,880 --> 00:11:59,080
Totally smooth, is it?

269
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:00,160
[audience laughs]

270
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:02,920
Good on you, Ken.

271
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:07,560
The Americans and the British, we're...
we're divided by a common language.

272
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,280
Right? So... So we would say, "Trousers"
in Great Britain.

273
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:11,600
Americans would say, "Pants."

274
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,520
We say, "Pavement."
The Americans would say, "Sidewalk."

275
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:15,920
We'd say, "Unarmed, don't shoot!"

276
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:17,640
They would say, "Oops."

277
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:19,560
[audience laughs and exclaims]

278
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,280
I can see there's two sides

279
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,200
to the gun debate in America.
Course there are.

280
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:29,200
There's two sides to the gun debate.
Some Americans have legitimate reasons

281
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,760
for wanting to own AR-15 assault rifles.

282
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:35,640
Like, what if you want to murder
a lot of children in a hurry?

283
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:37,640
[audience laughs]

284
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:46,520
So in America, the Supreme Court
is stopping women from aborting fetuses.

285
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,960
They don't feel, they haven't got hearts,
they're brainless,

286
00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:51,640
yet somehow,
the Supreme Court are in charge.

287
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:53,480
[audience laughs]

288
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,560
[audience cheers and applauds]

289
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:05,200
When my girlfriend got pregnant,
sure, I thought about all the options.

290
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:07,920
"Should I, you know,
take care of the problem?"

291
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,840
But then I thought,
"Could I really take a human life?"

292
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,120
Well, two, if you count the fetus.

293
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,720
[audience groans]

294
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:21,360
Abortion. Let's talk about it, everyone.

295
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:25,240
Well, I think we'd spend a lot more time
talking about, thinking about,

296
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:29,360
debating abortion
if we all knew how close we had come.

297
00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:31,440
[audience laughs]

298
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,640
Well, let's do a social experiment
in the theater this evening.

299
00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:38,840
Give me one of those little
ripply applause if and only if

300
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:43,360
your parents were under the age of 20
when they had you.

301
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,600
- Where are you?
- [scattered applause]

302
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:47,080
Okay, so anyone applauding,

303
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,000
you need to know there was a conversation.

304
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:52,040
[audience laughs]

305
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:56,240
And that conversation didn't go Dad's way.

306
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:58,320
[audience laughs]

307
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,040
[scattered applause]

308
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:03,240
All right.

309
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,040
Give me one of those
if you're the youngest of four.

310
00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:07,960
[scattered applause]

311
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:10,400
Well, you need to know
there was a conversation.

312
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,360
[audience laughs]

313
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:14,080
And that conversation didn't go Dad's way.

314
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,440
[audience laughs]

315
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,240
All right, give me one of those
if you have a ginger-haired mum.

316
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,560
[audience laughs]

317
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:24,560
[very scattered applause]

318
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,080
Far fewer of those.

319
00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:33,840
[audience laughs]

320
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:39,200
And that's 'cause sometimes,
dads really put their fucking foot down.

321
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:40,920
[audience laughs]

322
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:43,840
[laughs]

323
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:45,760
[audience applauds]

324
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:50,240
Are there any anti-vaxxers in?
Is anyone here anti-vax?

325
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:51,160
[person shouts]

326
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:54,080
One person over there. Fair enough.
A lot of you didn't make it.

327
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:55,960
[audience laughs]

328
00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,040
- What's your name, my friend?
- [man] Rico.

329
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,360
- Rico.
- Yeah.

330
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:01,760
Sure.

331
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:04,560
- [audience laughs]
- Let's go with that, Rico.

332
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:07,216
Here's what I think we should do.
You're entitled to your opinion.

333
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,360
Course you are! What I think we should do,
we should have an opt-in, opt-out

334
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:12,880
on the whole of Western medicine.

335
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,720
Opt-in, opt-out.
So you're either with us, or you're not.

336
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:19,480
So no COVID vaccine? No problem, Rico.
Good luck with the polio.

337
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:21,760
[audience laughs]

338
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,880
Let's see how far you get
on your little Kermit legs.

339
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,920
[audience laughs]

340
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:32,160
[audience cheers and applauds]

341
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:33,240
Right.

342
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:37,160
I feel pretty confident making that joke,

343
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,920
because no cunt
is getting polio these days.

344
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,240
[audience chuckles]

345
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:42,920
Do you know why, Rico?

346
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,240
[audience laughs]

347
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,320
[audience cheers and applauds]

348
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,600
[laughs] Oh.

349
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:54,880
The anti-vax people online
won't like that.

350
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,080
Course they're not gonna take the vaccine.
They can't even take a fucking joke.

351
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:00,520
[audience laughs]

352
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,760
[audience cheers and applauds]

353
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,080
This next joke might get me canceled.

354
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,160
[audience chuckles]

355
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:11,240
Come on.

356
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,920
Transgender people
aren't what they used to be.

357
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,160
[audience laughs]

358
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:19,960
[scattered cheers]

359
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:25,120
And really, there's two issues.
There's trans, and there's non-binary.

360
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,880
And they often get conflated in our media,
but they're very separate issues.

361
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:32,160
Trans and non-binary. So non-binary,
that's the one with the pronouns.

362
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,680
So there's now more pronouns
than there ever used to be.

363
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,040
There's now ten pronouns.

364
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,336
I'll quickly go through it
so we're all on the same page.

365
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:42,360
The ten pronouns are he, she, they, them,

366
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:44,520
it, oh, gross, what, is, that?

367
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,400
[audience laughs]

368
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:48,240
[audience applauds]

369
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:49,560
[scattered cheers]

370
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,680
And I'm very onboard. I will call you
what you want to be called.

371
00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:00,960
I will treat you with respect always.

372
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:01,880
But...

373
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,120
[audience chuckles]

374
00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:05,000
...I'm also gonna make jokes about it.

375
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:06,120
[audience chuckles]

376
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,440
My pronouns are "he he he"...

377
00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:10,520
[audience laughs]

378
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,200
[chuckles] ...because I identify
as a comedian.

379
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,280
[audience laughs]

380
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:20,240
[Jimmy chuckles]

381
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:26,360
Here's a question
just for the ladies in the room.

382
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:29,080
Who teaches you the towel thing?

383
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:30,400
[scattered laughs]

384
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,080
Oh, you know what I'm talking about.

385
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:35,520
Every woman in this room
has an ability no man on Earth possesses.

386
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:39,920
Every woman in here has the ability
to make a perfect turban from a towel.

387
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,280
[audience laughs]

388
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:43,680
Any towel, any bathroom.

389
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:47,280
I've traveled the world,
and it's the same toweling origami design

390
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:48,960
wherever you roam.

391
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:52,040
It's quite the feat of engineering.
It's up in seconds.

392
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,040
It's there for the day if you want it.

393
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:56,160
[audience laughs]

394
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:59,040
Now, no man has ever
even attempted such a thing.

395
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:02,480
Well, that simple observation
on gender difference,

396
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:06,320
that, my friends, is how we're going
to sort the whole trans debate.

397
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:07,400
You're welcome.

398
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:09,360
[audience laughs]

399
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,880
So if you have gender dysphoria,
we're gonna pop you in a shower.

400
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,720
[audience chuckles]

401
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,000
When you come out,
we're gonna throw you a towel.

402
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,240
We're gonna see how you do.

403
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:20,480
[audience laughs]

404
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,280
If you make a perfect turban,

405
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,120
the ladies' changing room is this way.

406
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,640
[audience laughs]

407
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,000
If you floss yourself...

408
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:33,680
[audience laughs and applauds]

409
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:37,320
...we have a few more questions.

410
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:43,000
Obviously, I'm not being transphobic,
because trans women are women.

411
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,320
So, if anything, old-fashioned misogyny.

412
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,400
[audience laughs]

413
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:50,800
[Jimmy laughs]

414
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:53,840
I'm gonna tell you a fact now.

415
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:56,600
It is mind-blowingly stupid,
but it's true.

416
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:59,480
Most of my gay friends knew this.
None of my straight friends knew.

417
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:02,960
Okay, until 1979, globally,

418
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:07,080
homosexuality was classified
as a mental illness.

419
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,680
An illness!
Does that mean you could phone in sick?

420
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:12,280
[audience laughs]

421
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:17,560
"Sorry, boss. No, I can't come in today.
No, no, nothing like that. No."

422
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:19,960
"No, I can't stop thinking
about dicks and balls and bums."

423
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,680
[audience laughs]

424
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:27,200
"Nah, it's probably just a 24-hour thing.
Yeah, I'll... No."

425
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:28,880
[audience laughs]

426
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,240
"No, I'll walk it off."

427
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:31,640
[audience laughs]

428
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:34,160
"Yep, yep, in the park. Yeah."

429
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:35,880
[audience laughs]

430
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,600
They say one man in ten is gay,

431
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,400
but surely one man in just one man
is pretty gay.

432
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,120
[audience laughs]

433
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,920
One man in ten is showboating.

434
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,200
[audience laughs]

435
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:55,800
I don't like having sex outdoors,
but that is where women walk at night.

436
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:59,000
[audience laughs and groans]

437
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,800
I used to share a house with a woman

438
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:07,880
who swore a ghost
was having sex with her in her dreams.

439
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,840
I thought, "Jesus Christ!"

440
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,520
"From now on,
I gotta mash two pills into her food."

441
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,120
[audience laughs]

442
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,880
Only 15% of rapes are ever reported,

443
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,720
and only 2% of those
ever lead to a conviction.

444
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:28,000
Now, I'm not advocating rape,
but I like those odds.

445
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:30,280
[audience laughs]

446
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:33,680
All I'm saying is if rape was a horse,
you'd have a bet on it.

447
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:35,360
[audience laughs]

448
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:38,760
Do you want to hear my rape fantasy?

449
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:40,440
[man] Yeah!

450
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,480
Someone goes to jail for rape.

451
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:44,880
[audience laughs]

452
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,960
[audience applauds]

453
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,920
It's... I mean,
those are very clearly jokes about rape,

454
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,880
but we don't take rape serious enough
as a society, as a culture.

455
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,720
And I can prove it. It's in our language.

456
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,440
We've still got the phrase "date rape."

457
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,600
We shouldn't be
calling anything "date rape."

458
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,040
And we should be calling
date rape, "rape."

459
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:05,880
That's what fucking happened.

460
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,200
[audience cheers and applauds]

461
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:16,880
I tell you, we wouldn't stand for it
if the vast majority of rapes

462
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:18,800
happened to men, right?

463
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:22,200
No other crime comes with a qualifier.
You've never had this conversation...

464
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:25,040
"Did you hear about Steve?"
"What happened to Steve?"

465
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:26,720
"He got circus murdered."

466
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,040
"Sorry, Steve got murdered?"

467
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:32,520
"Well, no.
He had a lovely day at the circus,

468
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,920
and then he was murdered.
So, you know... circus murdered."

469
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,960
[audience laughs]

470
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:39,560
You can hear it now.

471
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,400
"Date rape," my ass.

472
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:43,480
[audience chuckles]

473
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,160
[audience laughs]

474
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:47,280
Obviously, don't.

475
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,920
Well, so far, we've covered rape,
pornography,

476
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:56,440
child abuse, domestic violence, abortion,
murder, gun control, and trans issues.

477
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:58,320
We're right on schedule, everyone.

478
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,560
- [audience cheers and applauds]
- Yay.

479
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:07,680
Obviously, telling jokes with that kind
of subject matter, I'm gonna get canceled.

480
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:08,920
That's the bad news.

481
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,080
The good news is I'm going down swinging.

482
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,040
[audience laughs]

483
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,960
You hear some horror stories
about cancel culture.

484
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,160
I heard a story
about a woman in London last year.

485
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,600
She got canceled. Lost her job,
lost friends, lost status.

486
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,640
Right? Canceled. And she was a good woman.

487
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,200
She worked for a charity
that helps the learning disabled,

488
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:28,920
and she got canceled over a typo.

489
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:30,960
Can you believe that? A typo.

490
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:34,120
You know how the G and the T are
right next to each other on the keyboard?

491
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:35,360
Easy enough mistake to make.

492
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,440
The G and the T
are right there next to each other.

493
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:38,920
Well, what she wanted to write

494
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:42,160
at the end of the letter
to the charity supporters was,

495
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:43,920
"Kind regards."

496
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,000
[audience laughs slowly]

497
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:57,160
Now if you've not got that yet...

498
00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:58,400
[audience laughs]

499
00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:01,760
...the charity she was working for
was helping people like you.

500
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,640
[audience laughs and applauds]

501
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:08,600
[Jimmy laughs]

502
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,000
This woke nonsense,
it's gone too far, hasn't it?

503
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:15,680
When's it gonna stop?
We've even got a male queen now.

504
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,320
[audience laughs]

505
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:23,520
The last time I got canceled,
I upset the gypsies.

506
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,200
Thankfully, they've moved on.

507
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:26,560
[audience laughs]

508
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:31,240
You can't go around apologizing for jokes.

509
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:32,520
They're jokes.

510
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:33,640
So I've got a plan.

511
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:37,200
The next time I get canceled over a joke,
the next time I upset people with a joke,

512
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:40,000
I'm going to come out
on the day of the cancellation,

513
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,040
I'm going to make a statement,
a public statement.

514
00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:44,240
I'm going to say,
I've rehearsed this, I'm gonna say...

515
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:46,800
[sarcastically] "I'm sorry."

516
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:48,600
[audience laughs]

517
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,440
And the people
that I've offended will say,

518
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:52,600
"You don't really mean that apology."

519
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:56,080
And I'll say, "So you're saying
I could say something and not mean it."

520
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,440
"Now you're getting it."

521
00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:59,480
[audience laughs and applauds]

522
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:09,560
Of course, sometimes in life,
and you'll all know this,

523
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:12,680
sometimes in life, you find yourself
having to make an apology,

524
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:15,960
but what you really want to say
is, "Fuck you."

525
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:17,760
[audience laughs]

526
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:19,600
And there's a phrase for that.

527
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:21,840
"I'm sorry you feel that way."

528
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:23,480
[audience laughs]

529
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:25,800
It's an amazing expression.

530
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:29,520
"I'm sorry you feel that way"
has got all the "fuck you" attitude.

531
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:32,560
You know what you mean.
They know what you mean.

532
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:33,520
[audience laughs]

533
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,040
They can't touch you for it.

534
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:37,560
"I'm sorry you feel that way."

535
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:40,360
[audience laughs]

536
00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:44,360
The English language is good like that.
It's very nuanced, the English language.

537
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:45,880
Like "good luck" is a great example.

538
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,536
"Good luck" is a nice thing
to say to anyone, isn't it? Good luck.

539
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:51,320
But add the words "with that."

540
00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:53,840
[audience laughs]

541
00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:56,040
Suddenly, a very different meaning.

542
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,680
"Good luck with that." Ah,
you might as well have shat in their oven.

543
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:01,760
[audience laughs]

544
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:04,960
And jokes... To me, jokes are like magnets.

545
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,880
They attract some people, great to see you
out this evening for a laugh,

546
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:10,400
but like magnets,
they attract and they repel.

547
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,720
Some people are repelled by my jokes,

548
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:16,280
and they're sat at home now,
online, trying to get me canceled.

549
00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:19,440
And to those people I say,
"I'm sorry you feel that way."

550
00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:20,440
[audience laughs]

551
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:21,760
"Good luck with that."

552
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:24,040
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs boisterously]

553
00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:26,120
[audience cheers and applauds]

554
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:32,400
Okay, well, I feel warmed up.
Shall we try some controversial jokes?

555
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:34,200
[audience] Yeah!

556
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:36,320
- I'm serious.
- [audience laughs]

557
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:37,800
Let's take it up a notch.

558
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:39,840
I'll tell you
who I think's gonna get canceled.

559
00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:42,056
'Cause they fucked a kid
and then they talked about it.

560
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,520
Hundred percent,
God is gonna get canceled.

561
00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:46,400
[audience laughs]

562
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:48,000
Strap in. This is happening.

563
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:50,000
[audience laughs]

564
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:53,200
Well, Mary was 14
when the Holy Ghost "came upon her."

565
00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:55,200
[audience laughs]

566
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:58,200
They say "came upon her,"
but some of it went in. Come on.

567
00:25:58,280 --> 00:25:59,640
[audience laughs]

568
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:01,320
[scattered applause]

569
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:03,600
"The Holy Ghost."

570
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:06,760
I think the "holy" in question
was Mary's vajayjay, wasn't it?

571
00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:07,920
[audience laughs]

572
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,280
So the Holy Spirit fucked Mary,

573
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:12,560
Mary never heard
from the Holy Spirit again.

574
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,040
Talk about getting ghosted.

575
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:17,600
[audience laughs]

576
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:18,720
[Jimmy laughs]

577
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:24,600
Do you think when Mary,
mother of God, was fucking Joseph...

578
00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:26,680
Your favorite, Daniel.
The original motherfucker.

579
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:28,120
[audience laughs]

580
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:30,480
[chuckles]

581
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,840
You never think of Jesus as a sock,
but he was.

582
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:35,760
[audience laughs]

583
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,120
Do you think when Mary... [chuckles]

584
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,200
...was fucking Joseph
and Joseph made Mary come,

585
00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:44,960
Mary shouted, "God!"

586
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:46,280
[audience laughs]

587
00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:48,200
Awkward. That's her ex.

588
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:49,680
[audience laughs]

589
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:52,880
Well, what was the alternative,
"Jesus Christ"?

590
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:54,240
[audience laughs]

591
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:56,800
He's in the next room
thinking, "Shut up, Mum!"

592
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:58,720
[audience laughs]

593
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:03,200
Someone came up to me after a show,
like, very earnestly, and went,

594
00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:05,840
"Jesus died for your sins."

595
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:11,000
I thought, "Oh, great, so now I've killed
the son of God <i>and</i> two prostitutes."

596
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:12,600
[audience laughs]

597
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:19,000
All right, let's class this up, shall we?
Let's class up this gig.

598
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:24,000
When Michelangelo
was commissioned by the Vatican

599
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:26,160
to paint <i>The Creation of Adam,</i>

600
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:27,920
he really knew his audience,

601
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:31,200
and that's why he gave Adam
a child's penis.

602
00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:33,200
[audience laughs and groans]

603
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:37,920
[audience laughs and applauds]

604
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:39,520
[laughs]

605
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:43,920
You all know the story
of Adam and Eve, right?

606
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:48,800
So God took one of Adam's ribs
in order to make Eve,

607
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:50,760
but God had taken one of Adam's ribs,

608
00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:52,760
so, suddenly, Adam didn't need Eve.

609
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:54,200
He could suck his own cock.

610
00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:56,240
[audience laughs]

611
00:27:58,920 --> 00:27:59,960
Silly old God.

612
00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:01,520
[audience laughs]

613
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:04,720
And look, I tell these jokes now.
I'm an atheist now.

614
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:07,800
I wasn't always. I was raised Catholic,
used to go to church all the time.

615
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:11,120
Late teens, early twenties,
I thought I might want to be a priest.

616
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:13,000
[audience laughs mildly]

617
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:17,120
But fundamentally, I've just
never found kids that attractive.

618
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:19,040
[audience laughs and groans]

619
00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:24,040
For me, it's more a hobby.
I couldn't do it as a full-time job.

620
00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:26,120
[audience laughs]

621
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:30,400
Are there Christians in,
thinking, "That was all a bit much"?

622
00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:32,480
Don't worry. It's all made up.

623
00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:33,960
[audience laughs]

624
00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:35,840
[audience cheers and applauds]

625
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:44,880
Now, we are a little bit tight for time,
so I probably can't do my Islamic bit.

626
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,080
[audience laughs and groans]

627
00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:51,200
- [audience members] Do it!
- [encouraging and cheering]

628
00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:56,160
Well, obviously, I'm not going to be
telling the same jokes about Muhammad

629
00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:58,296
I'd feel very comfortable
telling about Jesus Christ,

630
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:00,040
and that's because, fun fact,

631
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:01,320
I'm not a fucking idiot.

632
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:03,240
[audience laughs]

633
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:05,400
So if you're a Christian,

634
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:08,040
and you're sat there thinking,
"That's not fair. He'll make jokes

635
00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:09,320
about Christians all day long,

636
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:11,536
but he won't make
the same sort of jokes about Muslims,"

637
00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:13,720
well, then, maybe, as a Christian,

638
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:16,520
you should think
about blowing something up.

639
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:18,320
[audience laughs]

640
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:20,680
Hey?

641
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:22,520
[audience applauds]

642
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:24,880
No one's scared of you.

643
00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:28,400
What are the Christians gonna do,

644
00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:29,400
forgive me?

645
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:31,480
[audience laughs]

646
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:34,560
- [laughs]
- [audience cheers and applauds]

647
00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:37,520
Here's my big news.

648
00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:40,960
Here's what's going on in my life,
uh, since I was last out. Um...

649
00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:43,400
I'm a father now. I had kids. I'm a dad.

650
00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:45,560
- [audience cheers]
- Thank you.

651
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:46,640
Very nice of you.

652
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:53,200
Now a lot of famous people
give their kids unusual names

653
00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:55,120
and live to regret it.

654
00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:57,800
Some people consider my boy's name
to be somewhat unusual,

655
00:29:57,880 --> 00:29:59,280
but then they see his little face,

656
00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:01,760
and he does just look like an Adolf.

657
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:03,840
[audience laughs]

658
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:11,520
We're having a gender reveal for our kid,

659
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:13,920
but we're gonna wait until it's 21.
We want to be sure.

660
00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:15,640
[audience laughs]

661
00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:18,640
[audience cheers and applauds]

662
00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:23,520
They have gender reveal parties.

663
00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:25,440
You've all heard
of the gender reveal party.

664
00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:28,560
But you never hear
about a "Are we keeping it?" party.

665
00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:30,040
[audience laughs]

666
00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:32,840
Eleven weeks into the pregnancy,
and you've baked a cake.

667
00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:35,480
Is it shaped like a baby
or a vacuum cleaner?

668
00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:37,600
[audience groans]

669
00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:44,280
I have two kids now.
Couldn't pick a favorite.

670
00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:45,920
Little Jimmy and the other one.

671
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:47,000
[audience laughs]

672
00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:51,000
Our boy cried all the time.

673
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:53,040
We found the only thing
that calmed him down

674
00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:55,720
was to be in the car
with the engine running.

675
00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:57,800
Pro tip, open the garage door.

676
00:30:57,880 --> 00:30:59,720
[audience laughs]

677
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:02,920
Now, you don't have to,

678
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:06,440
but if you don't open the garage door,
you run a very real risk of

679
00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:07,520
Rico.

680
00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:08,920
[audience laughs]

681
00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:12,720
[audience applauds]

682
00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:15,320
[softly] Bless you, Rico. Bless you.

683
00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:20,840
People that get freaked out
by breastfeeding in public,

684
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:22,320
they can fuck off. I'm right?

685
00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:24,040
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah.

686
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:26,320
Sometimes Daddy gets thirsty.

687
00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:28,320
[audience laughs]

688
00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:34,360
We've all tried it.

689
00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:37,600
Here's a strange thing.

690
00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:39,800
So whenever I visit friends
that have had a baby,

691
00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:42,960
they always tell me the same thing,
they always go, "The baby has a soft bit

692
00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:46,040
on the top of its head
where the skull is yet to fully form."

693
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:48,080
Why are they telling me that?

694
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:50,440
So I know the weak spot
if the baby attacks?

695
00:31:50,520 --> 00:31:52,240
[audience laughs]

696
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:58,640
What did they think I was going to do,
pick it up like a fucking bowling ball?

697
00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:00,560
- [audience laughs]
- [mimics gripping]

698
00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:02,960
"Where do you want this baby?"

699
00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:09,840
My girlfriend wants me
to have my sperm frozen

700
00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:13,480
just in case she ever wants to have,
you know, a come-flavored popsicle.

701
00:32:14,080 --> 00:32:15,720
[audience laughs]

702
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:24,640
The first few weeks after the birth
of the child can be incredibly tough,

703
00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:27,880
so pro tip, to avoid postnatal depression,

704
00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:30,280
try not to see your wife naked.

705
00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:32,360
[audience groans]

706
00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:34,200
[audience member whistles loudly]

707
00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:37,760
Yeah, I shouldn't have said it,
but I'm not wrong.

708
00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:38,880
[audience laughs]

709
00:32:40,320 --> 00:32:42,600
Have we got mums in?
Where are the mums? Give us a shout.

710
00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:43,720
[cheering]

711
00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:45,720
Loads of mums. We got any single mums?

712
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:46,800
[scattered cheers]

713
00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:50,160
- Okay, let's hear from all the mums again.
- [cheering]

714
00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:51,520
You're all single mums.

715
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:53,280
[audience laughs]

716
00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:56,120
All mums are single mums.
That's my theory.

717
00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:58,040
It's the hardest job in the world,
being a mum.

718
00:32:58,080 --> 00:33:01,480
It's a 24/7, 365,
never-ending task, being a mum,

719
00:33:01,560 --> 00:33:05,200
and to your credit, ladies,
you're all doing it on your own.

720
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:08,200
- [audience cheers and applauds]
- Yeah.

721
00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:14,120
Sure, sure, some of you
have got dads... there.

722
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,840
[audience laughs]

723
00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:20,440
But, really, stop and think about it.
What are dads actually doing?

724
00:33:20,520 --> 00:33:23,440
- [audience laughs]
- Dads are, at best,

725
00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:25,720
babysitting their own children...

726
00:33:25,800 --> 00:33:27,320
[audience laughs]

727
00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:29,080
...until Mum gets back.

728
00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:31,160
[audience cheers and applauds]

729
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:39,640
And I realize that is disrespectful
to stay-at-home dads,

730
00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:42,560
but, seriously,
what are those pussies gonna do?

731
00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:44,680
[audience laughs]

732
00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:48,800
Have we got any stay-at-home dads in?

733
00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:50,320
'Course not! They're at home.

734
00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:51,960
[audience laughs]

735
00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:57,480
Look, my point is parents are judged
by vastly different metrics, even today.

736
00:33:57,560 --> 00:33:58,840
It's crazy, but it's true.

737
00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:00,880
To be considered a good mum,
what do you gotta be?

738
00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:04,720
Loving, nurturing, kind,
attentive, always on-call, right?

739
00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:06,600
Not easy to be considered a good mum.

740
00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:10,200
To be considered a good dad,
you just gotta not fuck off.

741
00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:13,120
[audience laughs]

742
00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:14,560
You've all had that conversation.

743
00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:16,680
"He's a good dad." "What do you mean?"

744
00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:17,760
"He's still there."

745
00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:19,800
[audience laughs]

746
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:27,440
That mug that says "World's Best Dad"
should just read, "Still Here."

747
00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:29,040
[audience laughs]

748
00:34:29,120 --> 00:34:30,560
"Too Lazy To Leave."

749
00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:32,120
[audience chuckles]

750
00:34:35,800 --> 00:34:36,800
[laughs]

751
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:40,120
Being a dad is amazing.
You... You should try it, ladies.

752
00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:42,640
[audience laughs]

753
00:34:42,720 --> 00:34:45,280
It's like being a mum
with none of the responsibility.

754
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:46,360
[audience laughs]

755
00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:49,800
Being a mum is a full-time job.
Being a dad is a lovely hobby.

756
00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:51,800
[audience laughs]

757
00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:54,160
Look, I'll pitch you ladies being a dad.

758
00:34:54,240 --> 00:34:58,840
Being a dad, it's like being royalty
within your own home.

759
00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:00,160
[audience chuckles]

760
00:35:00,240 --> 00:35:03,640
I get wheeled out
for big occasions and photo opportunities.

761
00:35:03,720 --> 00:35:04,880
[audience laughs]

762
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,440
"Oh, hello, you must be my child.
Very nice to see you."

763
00:35:07,520 --> 00:35:08,640
[audience laughs]

764
00:35:08,720 --> 00:35:10,400
"And this is your sister, is it?"

765
00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:12,040
[audience laughs]

766
00:35:12,120 --> 00:35:14,880
"It's another child of mine?
Charmed, I'm sure."

767
00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:16,320
[audience laughs]

768
00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:18,720
Snap, snap, family photo, and off I fuck.

769
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:19,800
[audience laughs]

770
00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:21,800
Cutting a ribbon,
cutting an umbilical cord,

771
00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:24,200
it's the same skill set, isn't it?
I'm royalty!

772
00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:29,080
Being a dad is like being...
It's like being the co-pilot of the house.

773
00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:31,440
I take over when Mum takes a nap.

774
00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:35,120
But takeoff, landing,
heaven forfend there's turbulence...

775
00:35:35,200 --> 00:35:37,640
Basically, if shit gets real,

776
00:35:37,720 --> 00:35:40,800
it's my job to wake her up,
and try not to fuck the stewardess.

777
00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:42,480
[audience laughs]

778
00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:44,840
[audience cheers and applauds]

779
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:48,760
Mums are like boxers.

780
00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:51,600
They're in the ring,
they're taking punches, they're bleeding.

781
00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:53,200
Mums are in the fight.

782
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:55,960
Dads, we're more like cornermen.

783
00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:59,560
We're sat on a stool,
shouting encouragement.

784
00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:03,160
I'm squirting shit in her mouth.
She's spitting into a bucket.

785
00:36:03,240 --> 00:36:05,360
[audience laughs]

786
00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:07,600
It's fine.
We've been together a long time.

787
00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:09,360
It's my job to throw in the towel.

788
00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:12,800
But first, I'm gonna have to ask her
where we keep the towels.

789
00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:15,200
[audience laughs]

790
00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:18,760
Have we got any dads in?
Where are all the dads?

791
00:36:18,840 --> 00:36:20,480
- [cheering]
- Loads of dads.

792
00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:22,896
You ever do this? You get asked
to do a job round the house,

793
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:25,656
you don't like the sound of it,
so you do it really bad the first time

794
00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:26,840
so you never get asked again?

795
00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:27,720
[audience laughs]

796
00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:31,240
Well, long story short, I didn't like
the sound of bathing the baby.

797
00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:33,120
[audience laughs]

798
00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:38,840
Oh, well, I'll check on it
when I get back.

799
00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:40,400
[audience laughs]

800
00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:42,656
That's one of those jobs
you don't even need to fuck up.

801
00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:44,880
You just need to suggest
you're going to fuck it up.

802
00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:48,960
"Bath the baby? Not a problem, love.
I'll just boil the kettle."

803
00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:50,960
[audience laughs]

804
00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:54,400
I'll tell you what no one told me about,

805
00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:56,840
and we should all be talking
about this, Christmas.

806
00:36:56,920 --> 00:37:00,600
Christmas is incredible for dads,
because it's not just the kids

807
00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:02,680
that get a wonderful surprise
on Christmas morning

808
00:37:02,760 --> 00:37:04,560
when they tear open their gifts.

809
00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:07,800
Us dads are sat there thinking,
"Oh! I wonder what we got them."

810
00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:09,880
[audience laughs]

811
00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:12,920
[audience applauds]

812
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:17,160
Dads might as well believe in Santa Claus.

813
00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:20,880
All we know for sure
is we were not involved.

814
00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:22,080
[audience laughs]

815
00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:24,760
Sat there thinking... [chuckles]

816
00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:27,240
Sat there thinking,
"That looks expensive. Who got you that?"

817
00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:29,480
[audience laughs]

818
00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:31,760
- "Did I?"
- [audience laughs]

819
00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:33,600
[mouthing] "For fuck's sake, love."

820
00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:37,040
If you've ever thanked your father
for a Christmas gift,

821
00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:38,240
you're a fucking idiot.

822
00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:40,200
[audience laughs]

823
00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:42,560
Here's what happened last week.

824
00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:45,640
My kid walked in on me having sex
and freaked out.

825
00:37:45,720 --> 00:37:48,920
He said, "Are you trying to hurt Mummy?"
I said, "Well, of course not."

826
00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:52,200
He said, "Well, then you better not
let her catch you fucking the nanny."

827
00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:54,280
[audience laughs and groans]

828
00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:03,160
Look, I was worried
about becoming a father

829
00:38:03,240 --> 00:38:05,680
because this is what I do for a living,
I tell edgy jokes.

830
00:38:05,760 --> 00:38:07,200
And I was worried, becoming a dad,

831
00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:10,040
I'd get all sentimental
and I would lose some of that edge.

832
00:38:10,120 --> 00:38:12,240
So I'm gonna tell you a story now,
true story.

833
00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:15,160
I don't tell many true stories on stage,
so please indulge me.

834
00:38:15,240 --> 00:38:17,520
Uh, this is from the day
I became a father.

835
00:38:17,600 --> 00:38:20,640
So if you've not had kids,
you might not know,

836
00:38:20,720 --> 00:38:22,440
you've got the go bag by the front door.

837
00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:24,936
It's everything you're gonna need
for the hospital in one bag.

838
00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:26,400
You got the babygrows, the nappies,

839
00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:28,240
the wash bag,
the nightie, the dressing gown.

840
00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:30,776
It's all in the go bag
so you're good to go when the time comes.

841
00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:34,040
Now, you pack it quite early
when it's your first kid.

842
00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:37,280
Seriously. My dick wasn't dry,
we had the go bag ready.

843
00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:38,640
[audience laughs]

844
00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:43,120
And a good job too,
because 34 weeks into the pregnancy,

845
00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:45,160
we had a medical emergency.

846
00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:46,600
We got rushed to hospital,

847
00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:49,560
we had to have an emergency
Cesarean section at 34 weeks,

848
00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:50,920
which was gut-wrenching.

849
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:54,560
[audience groans and laughs]

850
00:38:58,160 --> 00:39:01,040
Now, if you deliver at 34 weeks,
you find out very quickly as a parent,

851
00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:02,400
it's all about lung development.

852
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:05,040
Are the baby's lungs gonna be
developed enough to breathe unaided,

853
00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:08,000
or is there going to have to be
a medical intervention, intubation,

854
00:39:08,080 --> 00:39:09,440
and all of the associated drama?

855
00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:12,640
Now, thankfully, my child's lungs
were developed enough

856
00:39:12,720 --> 00:39:15,480
that he could breathe unaided,
but he was very premature.

857
00:39:15,560 --> 00:39:18,680
So the average birth weight in the UK,
about eight pounds.

858
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:20,120
He was under four pounds.

859
00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:21,440
[audience members exclaim]

860
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:24,600
They handed me my son,
umbilical cord still attached,

861
00:39:25,240 --> 00:39:26,840
he fit in the palms of my hands.

862
00:39:27,840 --> 00:39:30,160
And it's very binary for men.

863
00:39:30,240 --> 00:39:32,320
We don't have nine months
of pregnancy and hormones

864
00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:34,400
to get our head around
the idea of being parents.

865
00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:36,440
We're not, and then suddenly we are.

866
00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:39,320
Suddenly, there's something
in the world more important than us,

867
00:39:39,400 --> 00:39:42,120
and it needs looking after,
and that's our job.

868
00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:46,960
And my first job as a parent,
first thing I ever had to do for my boy,

869
00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:49,280
was to find him something to wear.

870
00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:52,520
[audience laughs]

871
00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:56,520
Because in the aforementioned go bag,
I brought babygrows for a full-term baby,

872
00:39:56,600 --> 00:39:58,680
'cause that's what
everyone thinks they're gonna get.

873
00:39:58,720 --> 00:40:00,240
Life doesn't always work out that way.

874
00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:02,520
So we had this little premature baby
to take care of,

875
00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:04,560
so the nurses told me where to go.

876
00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:06,921
There's a clothing store,
they've got everything for kids,

877
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:09,280
about three blocks from the hospital,
got everything,

878
00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:11,760
and they've got this section
of stuff for premature babies.

879
00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:14,560
Now, I'd never seen the babygrows
for a premature baby.

880
00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:17,120
If you've not seen them,
they're heartbreakers.

881
00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:19,080
You can't believe a human being

882
00:40:19,160 --> 00:40:22,800
could fit into something
so fragile and delicate and tiny.

883
00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:24,240
They're like dolls' clothes.

884
00:40:24,960 --> 00:40:27,600
So I rushed in there,
I picked up what they had in his size,

885
00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:29,520
they had three in his size,
so I grabbed them

886
00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:30,960
and I took them up to the counter.

887
00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:34,200
And this lovely lady behind the counter
said, "Do you want the coat hangers?"

888
00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:36,000
I said,
"I think it's a bit late for that."

889
00:40:36,080 --> 00:40:37,920
[audience laughs]

890
00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:40,600
Oh, the relief!

891
00:40:40,680 --> 00:40:41,920
[audience laughs]

892
00:40:44,240 --> 00:40:47,840
I'd been a dad about 90 minutes,
I thought, "This changes nothing!"

893
00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:49,520
[audience laughs]

894
00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:53,600
It's a genuinely true story.
The look on her face...

895
00:40:53,680 --> 00:40:54,880
[audience laughs]

896
00:40:58,240 --> 00:41:01,360
And then I did want the coat hangers,
and she didn't want to give 'em to me.

897
00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:02,880
[audience laughs]

898
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:04,960
[audience cheers and applauds]

899
00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:11,080
My girlfriend put me on the spot recently.
She said, "What are my ten best features?"

900
00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:12,720
I said, "I like your optimism."

901
00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,080
[audience laughs]

902
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:18,000
"Ten? Wind your fucking neck in, love."

903
00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:19,160
[audience laughs]

904
00:41:19,240 --> 00:41:21,360
"I couldn't name three. I'm still here."

905
00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:24,840
Who's engaged to be married?
Is anyone here engaged?

906
00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:25,840
[scattered cheers]

907
00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:28,680
You... You guys are engaged, down here.
Fab. What's your name, sir?

908
00:41:28,760 --> 00:41:29,840
- Chris.
- Chris.

909
00:41:29,920 --> 00:41:31,800
- Uh, and you're from...
- 'Stralia.

910
00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:33,560
'Stralia. Which bit of 'Stralia?

911
00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:35,920
- Sydney.
- Sydney. We've heard of it.

912
00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:37,640
I love it. Okay, and you're from...

913
00:41:37,720 --> 00:41:39,800
- Here.
- From here. What's your name, madam?

914
00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:41,680
- Leann.
- Hey, Leann. Hey, Chris.

915
00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:42,800
Well, congratulations.

916
00:41:42,880 --> 00:41:45,200
What was the proposal like?
That's always my question.

917
00:41:45,280 --> 00:41:47,920
Because there's the middle class
and the working class.

918
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:50,400
Those are the two... Are you all familiar?

919
00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:51,680
I'll... I'll go through it.

920
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:55,720
Okay, so your middle-class proposal,
it's... it's your classic, your cliché,

921
00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:57,160
the man goes down on one knee,

922
00:41:57,240 --> 00:41:59,440
he's got the ring in a box,
opens the ring box,

923
00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:02,040
diamond glimmers in her eyes,
places the ring on her finger.

924
00:42:02,720 --> 00:42:05,440
She knows what's going on.
She's no dummy. But he says it anyway.

925
00:42:05,520 --> 00:42:08,400
[sobs] "Will you make me the happiest man
in the world and be my wife?"

926
00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:10,040
[audience laughs]

927
00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:12,120
She cries, he cries,
there's often a snot bubble.

928
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:13,520
It's a very emotional day.

929
00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:16,240
And then there's a photo shoot

930
00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:18,440
with her finger
so it doesn't look fat in the photo...

931
00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:19,440
[audience laughs]

932
00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:21,616
...that must be sent
to everyone she's ever fucking met.

933
00:42:21,640 --> 00:42:23,840
That's your classic middle-class proposal.

934
00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:26,600
It's a cliché, but it's a cliché
'cause it works for people.

935
00:42:26,680 --> 00:42:28,880
And that's as distinct
from the working-class proposal.

936
00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:29,800
Little bit different.

937
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:33,120
That's where the woman...
Not the man, thank you very much.

938
00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:34,280
...where the woman

939
00:42:34,360 --> 00:42:35,800
pisses on a stick.

940
00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:37,880
[audience laughs]

941
00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:40,760
[whistles melodically]

942
00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:45,160
"We're getting married."

943
00:42:45,240 --> 00:42:46,960
[audience laughs]

944
00:42:47,040 --> 00:42:49,040
[audience cheers and applauds]

945
00:42:53,720 --> 00:42:54,920
Which... Which one was it?

946
00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:56,240
[both] The last one.

947
00:42:56,320 --> 00:42:58,640
The last one. Yeah, well, that's...
There's no shame in it.

948
00:42:59,240 --> 00:43:01,120
Double congratulations, guys.

949
00:43:01,720 --> 00:43:03,736
Well, fair enough.
He's from... He's from Australia.

950
00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:04,920
It's considered posh there

951
00:43:05,000 --> 00:43:07,080
if your baby's tattoos
are spelled correctly.

952
00:43:07,160 --> 00:43:08,720
[audience laughs]

953
00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:13,080
Who's in this situation?
Who's in a long-term relationship,

954
00:43:13,160 --> 00:43:14,680
but he's not asked yet?

955
00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:17,480
[cheering]

956
00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:20,240
Well, the... there's a big one there.
Which... Which guy?

957
00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:23,440
- This guy. How long you been together?
- [woman] Ten and a half years.

958
00:43:23,520 --> 00:43:25,560
Ten and a half years, okay.
What's your name, madam?

959
00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:27,320
- Daniela.
- Daniela. Hi, Daniela.

960
00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:28,696
- Hi.
- And what's your name, sir?

961
00:43:28,720 --> 00:43:30,160
- Louie.
- Louie.

962
00:43:30,240 --> 00:43:32,856
Daniela, do you wanna know why
Louie hasn't asked you to marry him?

963
00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:35,240
'Cause I could tell you.
I can see it from here.

964
00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:37,240
[audience laughs and groans]

965
00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:41,960
And the irony's gonna kill you, Daniela,

966
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:44,400
'cause the reason
he's not gonna ask you to marry him

967
00:43:44,480 --> 00:43:46,640
is the same reason that you love that man.

968
00:43:46,720 --> 00:43:51,600
I say "man." I should say "boy,"
because there's a child in those eyes.

969
00:43:52,720 --> 00:43:55,800
You're a dreamer, aren't you, Louie?
He's a dreamer, Daniela.

970
00:43:55,880 --> 00:43:59,480
He's a dreamer,
and he thinks one day he could do better.

971
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:02,720
[audience laughs and exclaims]

972
00:44:04,520 --> 00:44:06,120
[audience cheers and applauds]

973
00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:11,960
But I don't want you to worry.

974
00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:13,360
[audience laughs]

975
00:44:13,440 --> 00:44:15,640
'Cause one day,
he will give up and settle.

976
00:44:15,720 --> 00:44:17,720
[audience laughs]

977
00:44:19,080 --> 00:44:21,440
[Jimmy laughs]

978
00:44:22,720 --> 00:44:25,480
My point, ladies,
is proposals are not romantic.

979
00:44:25,560 --> 00:44:27,520
There's a reason
men propose on their knees.

980
00:44:27,600 --> 00:44:28,960
They've fucking given up.

981
00:44:29,040 --> 00:44:30,880
[audience laughs]

982
00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:34,920
I don't really understand
mother-in-law jokes.

983
00:44:35,000 --> 00:44:37,640
I've never really got
what mother-in-law jokes are meant to be,

984
00:44:37,720 --> 00:44:39,640
because, really,
what is your mother-in-law?

985
00:44:39,720 --> 00:44:42,680
When you think about it,
gentlemen, it's Christmas Future.

986
00:44:42,760 --> 00:44:43,960
[audience laughs]

987
00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:45,720
Yeah. Let that sink in.

988
00:44:46,640 --> 00:44:49,360
Your mother-in-law,
that's what you've got in the post.

989
00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:51,080
[audience laughs]

990
00:44:51,160 --> 00:44:53,320
So you guys are getting married, right?

991
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:54,720
- Have you met her mum?
- Yes.

992
00:44:54,800 --> 00:44:56,960
You have? Okay.
So if you picture her mum now,

993
00:44:57,040 --> 00:44:58,080
in your mind's eye,

994
00:44:58,160 --> 00:45:01,600
if you can't imagine yourself
hanging out the back of it...

995
00:45:01,680 --> 00:45:03,680
[audience laughs]

996
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:07,960
...then I don't think this relationship
really has a future, so...

997
00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:11,920
Here's my question to you,
and I hate to put you on the spot.

998
00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:14,400
Would you fuck her mum?

999
00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:16,600
[audience laughs]

1000
00:45:17,240 --> 00:45:19,200
I'm gonna need an answer on this.

1001
00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:21,320
A yes or a no. It's gotta be yes or no.

1002
00:45:22,120 --> 00:45:24,320
- Yes.
- You're saying yes. Just...

1003
00:45:24,400 --> 00:45:26,040
[audience laughs and exclaims]

1004
00:45:26,120 --> 00:45:27,440
It's the right answer.

1005
00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:29,640
[audience laughs and applauds]

1006
00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:33,680
I realize that might feel
slightly uncomfortable,

1007
00:45:33,720 --> 00:45:36,200
but that's the right answer.
That means he loves you for reals.

1008
00:45:36,640 --> 00:45:38,200
'Cause... I'll explain what's going on.

1009
00:45:38,280 --> 00:45:40,840
You're marrying this beautiful woman.
You're a beautiful woman...

1010
00:45:40,920 --> 00:45:41,760
now.

1011
00:45:41,840 --> 00:45:43,520
[audience laughs]

1012
00:45:43,600 --> 00:45:46,560
But you're gonna morph into your mum
over the next 25 years.

1013
00:45:46,640 --> 00:45:49,280
There's nothing we can do about that.
That is just nature.

1014
00:45:49,360 --> 00:45:52,280
And your mum is,
let's assume, a fucking state.

1015
00:45:52,360 --> 00:45:55,080
[audience laughs]

1016
00:45:57,640 --> 00:45:59,000
Some offense.

1017
00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:03,600
But at no point
is he going to look at you and go,

1018
00:46:03,640 --> 00:46:06,080
"Ooh, no, I'd be thumbing in a softie.
I'm out."

1019
00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:08,560
- This is...
- [audience laughs]

1020
00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:10,120
This is actually very romantic.

1021
00:46:10,200 --> 00:46:12,296
Maybe... I don't know
if you're writing your own vows,

1022
00:46:12,320 --> 00:46:14,560
but maybe we could
work this into your big day.

1023
00:46:15,240 --> 00:46:17,560
At some point, he could clink a glass...

1024
00:46:18,200 --> 00:46:20,600
"Do I love her?
I'll say. I'd fuck her mum."

1025
00:46:20,680 --> 00:46:22,680
[audience laughs]

1026
00:46:24,040 --> 00:46:26,600
[audience cheers and applauds]

1027
00:46:28,560 --> 00:46:29,640
[laughs]

1028
00:46:32,640 --> 00:46:37,160
Now, have we got young men in,
18, 19 years of age, out with family?

1029
00:46:37,240 --> 00:46:39,040
- That's what we're looking for.
- [man] Yeah.

1030
00:46:39,080 --> 00:46:40,680
- What's your name, man?
- [man] Jacob.

1031
00:46:40,760 --> 00:46:42,680
- Who are you here with?
- [Jacob] My dad.

1032
00:46:42,760 --> 00:46:44,000
- Your dad?
- [Jacob] Yeah.

1033
00:46:44,080 --> 00:46:46,240
- What age are you, Jacob?
- [Jacob] Nineteen.

1034
00:46:46,320 --> 00:46:48,120
[mimics accent] Nineteen. Jacob.

1035
00:46:48,200 --> 00:46:49,480
[audience laughs]

1036
00:46:49,560 --> 00:46:51,640
All right, Jacob.
Look, I'll explain what's going on.

1037
00:46:51,680 --> 00:46:54,320
So... women, very good at communicating,

1038
00:46:54,400 --> 00:46:56,640
not just with each other,
intergenerationally.

1039
00:46:56,720 --> 00:46:58,800
Women talk to girls,
let them know what's up,

1040
00:46:58,880 --> 00:47:01,640
and that's why girls
are not fucking dummies.

1041
00:47:01,720 --> 00:47:04,480
- Young men could be fucking dummies.
- [audience laughs]

1042
00:47:04,560 --> 00:47:07,240
It's not your fault, Jacob.
It's our fault, it's society's fault.

1043
00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:09,480
There's not enough sex education
for young men.

1044
00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:11,000
Well, that changes now.

1045
00:47:11,080 --> 00:47:13,200
[audience laughs]

1046
00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:15,840
Jacob, we're gonna have the talk.

1047
00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:19,120
- [audience laughs]
- Have you had the talk with your dad?

1048
00:47:20,320 --> 00:47:21,240
No.

1049
00:47:21,320 --> 00:47:23,320
[audience laughs]

1050
00:47:24,040 --> 00:47:26,840
Well, don't worry, Jacob.
I'm your daddy now.

1051
00:47:26,920 --> 00:47:28,160
[audience laughs]

1052
00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:33,576
The reason I wanted to talk to you,
there've been some exciting developments

1053
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:34,600
in dating, Jacob.

1054
00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:36,880
Consent has become very popular.

1055
00:47:36,960 --> 00:47:38,560
[audience laughs]

1056
00:47:39,400 --> 00:47:41,800
Oh, consent is all the rage these days.

1057
00:47:42,440 --> 00:47:44,200
It's the new fingerblasting, Jacob.

1058
00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:45,720
[audience laughs]

1059
00:47:46,400 --> 00:47:47,920
Are you familiar with the shocker?

1060
00:47:49,240 --> 00:47:51,480
Two in the pink, one in the stink.
That's how that works.

1061
00:47:51,560 --> 00:47:54,160
- [audience laughs]
- You're right. He's only young.

1062
00:47:54,240 --> 00:47:55,960
Two in the goo, one in the poo.
There, fine.

1063
00:47:56,040 --> 00:47:58,280
[audience laughs]

1064
00:48:00,120 --> 00:48:03,520
Here's everything you need to know
about consent, young Padawan.

1065
00:48:04,440 --> 00:48:08,520
Consent is a one-use deal.
One consent per action. Yeah?

1066
00:48:09,080 --> 00:48:11,320
So a thumbs-up to "May I kiss you?"

1067
00:48:13,080 --> 00:48:16,800
cannot, will not, ever give you
blanket cover for the evening, Jacob.

1068
00:48:16,880 --> 00:48:20,440
You can't then assume the fucking
and the anal and the facial.

1069
00:48:20,520 --> 00:48:22,960
- No, Jacob. No.
- [audience laughs]

1070
00:48:24,320 --> 00:48:25,960
One consent per action.

1071
00:48:26,040 --> 00:48:28,160
Think of it like condoms. One use only.

1072
00:48:29,520 --> 00:48:32,720
Sure, a young lady might tell you
she cares deeply about the environment,

1073
00:48:32,800 --> 00:48:35,200
but you should see her face
when you're rinsing out a condom.

1074
00:48:35,280 --> 00:48:36,480
[audience laughs]

1075
00:48:38,440 --> 00:48:41,960
Even Greta Thunberg would say,
"No, no, throw a fresh one up me."

1076
00:48:42,040 --> 00:48:43,880
[audience laughs]

1077
00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:48,920
Well, let me ask
the grown men in the room.

1078
00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:50,800
Who thinks it ruins the romance

1079
00:48:50,880 --> 00:48:53,560
to ask for consent
at every stage of a sexual encounter?

1080
00:48:54,400 --> 00:48:55,400
[scattered men] Yeah.

1081
00:48:55,480 --> 00:48:56,880
Well, you may be rapists.

1082
00:48:56,960 --> 00:48:58,520
[audience laughs]

1083
00:49:00,120 --> 00:49:02,120
Not good role models for you, Jacob.

1084
00:49:03,160 --> 00:49:05,800
His idea of safe sex
is wearing a balaclava.

1085
00:49:05,880 --> 00:49:07,520
[audience laughs]

1086
00:49:08,600 --> 00:49:11,080
He thinks foreplay's an uncovered drink.

1087
00:49:11,160 --> 00:49:13,440
[audience groans]

1088
00:49:13,520 --> 00:49:16,160
His favorite chat-up line is,
"Does anyone know you're here?"

1089
00:49:16,240 --> 00:49:17,840
[audience laughs]

1090
00:49:18,720 --> 00:49:21,560
But you, you know, you're 19.

1091
00:49:21,640 --> 00:49:23,440
We can mold you, as from clay,

1092
00:49:23,520 --> 00:49:25,960
into the man we want to see in the future.
This is exciting.

1093
00:49:26,040 --> 00:49:28,400
Here's the key thing.
Communication, Jacob.

1094
00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:30,720
Talk to the girl that you're with.

1095
00:49:30,800 --> 00:49:33,440
Fuck being embarrassed. Fuck being shy.

1096
00:49:33,520 --> 00:49:34,440
Talk to the girl.

1097
00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:36,600
- [audience applauds]
- That's it. It's that simple.

1098
00:49:40,160 --> 00:49:41,880
Ask her, "Do you mind
if I touch you there?"

1099
00:49:41,920 --> 00:49:43,600
"Is it okay if we try this?"

1100
00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:44,680
"Is it in yet?"

1101
00:49:44,720 --> 00:49:46,720
[audience laughs]

1102
00:49:47,800 --> 00:49:50,800
And really, I think we need
to rebrand consent for men of your age,

1103
00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:52,120
because for young men,

1104
00:49:52,200 --> 00:49:55,480
consent sounds like the boring bit
before the fun happens.

1105
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:58,560
It's the paperwork
before you get your hands on the jet ski.

1106
00:49:59,440 --> 00:50:01,840
That analogy works best
if she's a squirter.

1107
00:50:01,920 --> 00:50:04,200
[audience laughs]

1108
00:50:04,920 --> 00:50:05,920
Ask your mum.

1109
00:50:06,560 --> 00:50:08,800
[audience laughs]

1110
00:50:08,880 --> 00:50:10,760
[audience applauds]

1111
00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:15,040
[laughs]

1112
00:50:16,360 --> 00:50:18,000
But consent can be half the fun,

1113
00:50:18,080 --> 00:50:21,360
because really, consent,
all it is is dirty talk done right.

1114
00:50:22,160 --> 00:50:24,640
"But how do I do dirty talk right, Jimmy?"

1115
00:50:24,720 --> 00:50:26,720
Great question, Jacob. I'll tell you.

1116
00:50:26,800 --> 00:50:28,040
[audience laughs]

1117
00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:31,240
Three elements
to getting dirty talk right.

1118
00:50:31,320 --> 00:50:35,640
Element one, right, uh, say what you see.
Check everyone is on the same page.

1119
00:50:35,720 --> 00:50:37,480
"I'm hard. You're wet."

1120
00:50:37,560 --> 00:50:40,240
Stating the obvious
like a sexual Rain Man.

1121
00:50:40,320 --> 00:50:42,320
[audience laughs]

1122
00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:45,640
Stage two, say what you want to happen.

1123
00:50:45,720 --> 00:50:48,560
Nine times out of ten,
it's gonna be, "I wanna fuck you."

1124
00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:51,360
You'd struggle to mess it up, Jacob.
You're a bright boy.

1125
00:50:51,440 --> 00:50:52,760
[audience laughs]

1126
00:50:53,600 --> 00:50:55,200
[laughing] Stage three...

1127
00:50:55,280 --> 00:50:56,360
[audience chuckles]

1128
00:50:56,440 --> 00:50:59,096
...ask questions. And here's
the great news, there's no bad questions.

1129
00:50:59,120 --> 00:51:01,920
Ask what you want.
"Do you want a thumb in your bum?"

1130
00:51:02,000 --> 00:51:03,240
[audience laughs]

1131
00:51:03,320 --> 00:51:06,080
"Will you put your thumb in my bum?"
It's all good.

1132
00:51:06,160 --> 00:51:07,560
[audience laughs]

1133
00:51:07,640 --> 00:51:10,120
Let's talk about enthusiastic consent.

1134
00:51:10,200 --> 00:51:12,880
Jacob, have you heard the phrase,
"Enthusiastic consent"?

1135
00:51:12,960 --> 00:51:15,000
- No, I haven't.
- Okay. Well, it's a great idea.

1136
00:51:15,080 --> 00:51:16,880
It's a bad expression. I don't love it.

1137
00:51:16,960 --> 00:51:19,880
"Enthusiastic consent" makes it sound
like she's gotta make a banner

1138
00:51:19,960 --> 00:51:21,520
saying, "Fuck me, Jacob,"

1139
00:51:21,600 --> 00:51:24,320
dressed as a cheerleader
with the pom-poms and the dancing.

1140
00:51:24,400 --> 00:51:26,360
That'd be lovely. Not necessary.

1141
00:51:26,440 --> 00:51:30,360
All enthusiastic consent means
is what she says and her body language

1142
00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:33,720
need to match up perfectly.
It needs to make sense.

1143
00:51:33,800 --> 00:51:35,400
So no means no. You know that?

1144
00:51:36,000 --> 00:51:37,040
Of course you do.

1145
00:51:37,120 --> 00:51:39,400
Yes does not always mean yes.
I'll explain.

1146
00:51:39,480 --> 00:51:43,320
So if a girl says yes to sex with you,
but she says it through gritted teeth,

1147
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:45,320
like she's in a fucking horror movie...

1148
00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:46,920
[audience laughs]

1149
00:51:47,000 --> 00:51:49,040
"Yes, Jacob. I want you to fuck me."

1150
00:51:49,120 --> 00:51:50,680
[audience laughs]

1151
00:51:51,640 --> 00:51:52,520
Don't.

1152
00:51:52,600 --> 00:51:53,880
[audience laughs]

1153
00:51:53,960 --> 00:51:56,480
If a girl says yes to sex with you
but she's physically tensing,

1154
00:51:56,520 --> 00:51:59,280
like something's going to hit her
in the stomach, don't fuck her.

1155
00:51:59,360 --> 00:52:01,800
Great rule of thumb for you,
if she's stiffer than your dick,

1156
00:52:01,880 --> 00:52:02,720
don't fuck her.

1157
00:52:02,800 --> 00:52:04,720
[audience laughs]

1158
00:52:07,080 --> 00:52:09,880
Okay, well, look, we've covered
the basics. You seem like a bright boy.

1159
00:52:09,920 --> 00:52:12,280
- Should we take it up a gear?
- [audience] Yeah.

1160
00:52:12,800 --> 00:52:15,560
Jacob, do you know how to tell
when a woman is ovulating?

1161
00:52:15,640 --> 00:52:16,760
[scattered laughing]

1162
00:52:16,840 --> 00:52:19,400
Yeah, that's women giggling,
and men going, "What?"

1163
00:52:19,480 --> 00:52:21,560
[audience laughs]

1164
00:52:21,640 --> 00:52:24,840
You can tell when a woman is ovulating,
'cause when a woman is ovulating, Jacob,

1165
00:52:24,920 --> 00:52:26,120
she'll fuck you.

1166
00:52:26,200 --> 00:52:27,600
[audience laughs]

1167
00:52:29,160 --> 00:52:32,000
All the women in here know.
There are women in here right now

1168
00:52:32,080 --> 00:52:35,360
with men they wouldn't have looked at
twice anywhere else in their cycle.

1169
00:52:35,440 --> 00:52:37,160
They were ovulating, so they fucked him.

1170
00:52:37,240 --> 00:52:38,440
[audience laughs]

1171
00:52:38,520 --> 00:52:40,280
The funny thing is
there are men in this room

1172
00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:42,000
that think they seduced that woman.

1173
00:52:42,520 --> 00:52:45,280
No. She was ovulating.
She would have fucked anyone that night.

1174
00:52:45,360 --> 00:52:46,840
[audience chuckles]

1175
00:52:46,920 --> 00:52:49,800
Basically, when she's ovulating,
her pussy is eating her thigh.

1176
00:52:50,640 --> 00:52:54,160
- [growling]
- [audience laughs]

1177
00:52:54,240 --> 00:52:55,640
[continues growling]

1178
00:53:00,120 --> 00:53:02,200
I don't do many impersonations. [growls]

1179
00:53:02,720 --> 00:53:04,480
I do a very passable ravenous vagina.

1180
00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:06,320
- [growls]
- [audience laughs]

1181
00:53:06,400 --> 00:53:08,960
[audience applauds]

1182
00:53:09,040 --> 00:53:10,840
And look, I know
this might seem patronizing.

1183
00:53:10,920 --> 00:53:12,360
You're... You're 19, I'm 50.

1184
00:53:12,440 --> 00:53:14,800
I'm talking down to you
literally and metaphorically,

1185
00:53:14,880 --> 00:53:16,600
but I want you
to get something out of this,

1186
00:53:16,680 --> 00:53:19,520
so I'm gonna share
with you now the best advice I've ever had

1187
00:53:19,600 --> 00:53:21,840
on women, dating, and relationships.

1188
00:53:21,920 --> 00:53:24,880
This is wisdom
passed down through the ages.

1189
00:53:25,840 --> 00:53:27,936
You thought you're seeing
a comedy show with your dad.

1190
00:53:27,960 --> 00:53:31,240
It's bigger than that, Jacob.
Tonight... Tonight, you become a man.

1191
00:53:31,320 --> 00:53:33,040
[audience chuckles]

1192
00:53:33,120 --> 00:53:35,200
This is some fucking <i>Lion King</i> shit.

1193
00:53:35,280 --> 00:53:36,520
[audience laughs]

1194
00:53:36,600 --> 00:53:37,600
You ready, Jacob?

1195
00:53:37,680 --> 00:53:39,000
- Yes.
- [Jimmy] Okay.

1196
00:53:39,080 --> 00:53:41,920
If you live by this,
I think you're gonna do all right.

1197
00:53:42,960 --> 00:53:45,120
[scattered laughing]

1198
00:53:45,200 --> 00:53:46,200
You ready?

1199
00:53:47,800 --> 00:53:49,720
Don't stick your dick in crazy.

1200
00:53:50,560 --> 00:53:52,480
[audience laughs]

1201
00:53:52,560 --> 00:53:53,840
[audience applauds]

1202
00:53:54,440 --> 00:53:56,720
That's it. That's it.

1203
00:54:00,000 --> 00:54:02,720
If you meet a girl, Jacob,
doesn't matter how attractive she is,

1204
00:54:03,320 --> 00:54:06,800
if she seems a bit mental,
don't stick your dick in it.

1205
00:54:06,880 --> 00:54:08,720
[audience laughs]

1206
00:54:08,800 --> 00:54:11,680
I want you to view that woman
as you would a food blender.

1207
00:54:11,760 --> 00:54:13,160
[audience laughs and groans]

1208
00:54:13,240 --> 00:54:14,880
Have you got a food blender in the house?

1209
00:54:14,920 --> 00:54:17,640
Of course you have.
You ever put your dick in it? No.

1210
00:54:17,720 --> 00:54:19,480
Real smart. Same-same.

1211
00:54:19,560 --> 00:54:21,040
[audience laughs]

1212
00:54:21,120 --> 00:54:24,320
Don't stick your dick in crazy.
And look, you might be a dreamer.

1213
00:54:24,400 --> 00:54:26,520
I don't know, Jacob.
You might be thinking even now,

1214
00:54:26,600 --> 00:54:28,560
"Yeah, but what if it's a supermodel
from Paris?"

1215
00:54:28,640 --> 00:54:31,560
Well, if it is, and she's talking to you,
she's definitely fucking mental.

1216
00:54:31,600 --> 00:54:34,080
[audience laughs]

1217
00:54:35,440 --> 00:54:37,960
All right, quick pop quiz for Jacob.
Let's see where he's at.

1218
00:54:38,040 --> 00:54:41,120
[audience chuckles and exclaims]

1219
00:54:41,200 --> 00:54:42,920
You're gonna do fine, Jacob.

1220
00:54:43,720 --> 00:54:46,800
Are you aware, Jacob,
there are different types of consent?

1221
00:54:46,880 --> 00:54:48,600
Sure, yeah.

1222
00:54:48,680 --> 00:54:50,080
[audience laughs]

1223
00:54:50,160 --> 00:54:51,480
Talk us through them, Jacob.

1224
00:54:51,560 --> 00:54:53,720
[audience laughs]

1225
00:54:54,760 --> 00:54:57,320
That's a little bonus lesson
for you, Jacob.

1226
00:54:57,400 --> 00:54:59,120
Don't bullshit a bullshitter, kid.

1227
00:54:59,200 --> 00:55:01,000
[audience laughs]

1228
00:55:01,080 --> 00:55:02,160
I'll walk you through this.

1229
00:55:02,240 --> 00:55:04,400
So, you've got...
You've got consent to fuck.

1230
00:55:04,480 --> 00:55:07,800
That's the big one.
The headline act. "Consent to fuck."

1231
00:55:07,880 --> 00:55:11,320
That gets all the attention, Jacob,
but there's other consents.

1232
00:55:11,400 --> 00:55:13,600
There's consent
to get your dick out, Jacob.

1233
00:55:13,680 --> 00:55:15,680
[audience laughs]

1234
00:55:17,600 --> 00:55:19,600
[audience laughs]

1235
00:55:20,360 --> 00:55:22,360
When's a good time
to get your dick out, Jacob?

1236
00:55:22,440 --> 00:55:23,560
[audience laughs]

1237
00:55:24,320 --> 00:55:25,320
I'll tell you what.

1238
00:55:26,000 --> 00:55:27,120
Let's workshop this.

1239
00:55:27,200 --> 00:55:29,200
[audience laughs]

1240
00:55:30,960 --> 00:55:34,040
Yeah, let's gamify it.
We're laughing and we're learning.

1241
00:55:34,120 --> 00:55:35,120
What fun we're having.

1242
00:55:35,200 --> 00:55:37,160
I'm gonna give you some scenarios,

1243
00:55:37,240 --> 00:55:39,680
right, you've just gotta
tell me yes or no.

1244
00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:42,320
Is it a good time to get your dick out?
You up for this, Jacob?

1245
00:55:42,400 --> 00:55:44,360
Give him some encouragement.
It's Jacob, everyone.

1246
00:55:44,400 --> 00:55:46,560
- [audience cheers and applauds]
- That's right.

1247
00:55:46,640 --> 00:55:49,240
That's right. Good on you. Now...

1248
00:55:50,640 --> 00:55:53,200
So, first scenario, Jacob.
You've asked a girl out on a date.

1249
00:55:53,280 --> 00:55:54,840
She's agreed to go on a date with you.

1250
00:55:54,920 --> 00:55:57,160
And why wouldn't she,
you fucking dreamboat?

1251
00:55:57,240 --> 00:55:58,280
[audience laughs]

1252
00:55:58,360 --> 00:56:01,136
You pick her up at hers at seven
in the evening, you ring the doorbell.

1253
00:56:01,160 --> 00:56:02,160
Ding-dong.

1254
00:56:02,240 --> 00:56:04,416
She answers the door.
She's all dressed up for the date.

1255
00:56:04,440 --> 00:56:06,880
You're stood there, dick out, ding-dong.

1256
00:56:06,960 --> 00:56:08,320
[audience laughs]

1257
00:56:08,400 --> 00:56:10,760
Let her see
what you've got in store for her.

1258
00:56:10,840 --> 00:56:13,776
Pointless wasting her time if she doesn't
like the look of the merchandise.

1259
00:56:13,800 --> 00:56:15,856
- What do you think, Jacob. Yes or no?
- That's a no.

1260
00:56:15,880 --> 00:56:18,840
- "That's a no" is the right answer!
- [audience cheers and applauds]

1261
00:56:18,920 --> 00:56:19,920
Perfect. One for one.

1262
00:56:21,320 --> 00:56:24,120
Second scenario, right.
You're having dinner with the girl.

1263
00:56:24,200 --> 00:56:26,680
It's going great,
the conversation is flowing easily.

1264
00:56:26,760 --> 00:56:28,856
You're laughing at her jokes,
she's laughing at yours.

1265
00:56:28,880 --> 00:56:30,400
There's a bit of chemistry in the air.

1266
00:56:30,440 --> 00:56:33,800
You say, "Look, enjoy dessert,
but leave room for this sweet dick."

1267
00:56:33,880 --> 00:56:35,440
[audience laughs]

1268
00:56:37,760 --> 00:56:39,600
What do you think, Jacob? Yes or no?

1269
00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:41,480
Maybe.

1270
00:56:41,560 --> 00:56:43,400
[audience laughs]

1271
00:56:44,640 --> 00:56:46,240
[audience cheers and applauds]

1272
00:56:53,840 --> 00:56:55,840
[audience laughs]

1273
00:56:59,800 --> 00:57:02,000
That was a fucking lay-up, kid. That was...

1274
00:57:02,600 --> 00:57:03,600
"Maybe"?

1275
00:57:03,640 --> 00:57:05,000
[audience laughs]

1276
00:57:06,240 --> 00:57:07,600
You're in a restaurant...

1277
00:57:07,680 --> 00:57:09,120
[audience laughs]

1278
00:57:09,200 --> 00:57:11,680
In a public place. There's food around.

1279
00:57:13,560 --> 00:57:14,760
[audience laughs]

1280
00:57:14,840 --> 00:57:16,880
- Yes or no, Jacob?
- Okay, no.

1281
00:57:16,960 --> 00:57:18,080
Is the right answer.

1282
00:57:18,160 --> 00:57:20,320
[audience applauds]

1283
00:57:22,200 --> 00:57:23,200
Now...

1284
00:57:24,320 --> 00:57:25,320
Third scenario.

1285
00:57:26,320 --> 00:57:28,840
You're back at hers.
There's no one else in the house.

1286
00:57:28,920 --> 00:57:32,680
You're on the sofa, making out,
kissing and a-cuddling.

1287
00:57:32,760 --> 00:57:34,000
You've got her top off.

1288
00:57:34,080 --> 00:57:35,600
[mimics honking]

1289
00:57:35,680 --> 00:57:37,240
[audience laughs]

1290
00:57:37,320 --> 00:57:39,440
Sidebar, you make the noise in your head.

1291
00:57:39,520 --> 00:57:43,160
[audience laughs]

1292
00:57:43,240 --> 00:57:45,040
Well, if I don't tell him, who will?

1293
00:57:45,120 --> 00:57:46,400
[audience laughs]

1294
00:57:46,480 --> 00:57:49,440
I feel like I've solved a mystery there
for quite a lot of the ladies.

1295
00:57:49,960 --> 00:57:53,120
You've always wondered what that
gormless expression on his face was

1296
00:57:53,200 --> 00:57:56,240
when he was honking away
on your tits. [mimics honking]

1297
00:57:56,920 --> 00:57:59,040
Clown horn in his head.
It takes concentration.

1298
00:57:59,120 --> 00:58:01,760
- [audience chuckles]
- All right, Jacob.

1299
00:58:01,840 --> 00:58:03,936
So you're making out with her,
you've got her top off,

1300
00:58:03,960 --> 00:58:06,600
she's wetter than a submarine
with a screen door. Oh!

1301
00:58:06,680 --> 00:58:08,320
[audience laughs]

1302
00:58:08,400 --> 00:58:10,480
Oh, it's like an otter's pocket.

1303
00:58:10,560 --> 00:58:12,640
[audience laughs]

1304
00:58:12,720 --> 00:58:14,840
Wetter than a penguin on a Slip 'N Slide.

1305
00:58:14,920 --> 00:58:17,120
- [audience laughs]
- What do you think, Jacob?

1306
00:58:17,200 --> 00:58:18,920
- Good time to get your dick out?
- Yes.

1307
00:58:19,000 --> 00:58:20,600
No, Jacob! No!

1308
00:58:20,680 --> 00:58:22,800
Bad boy! Dirty boy!

1309
00:58:22,880 --> 00:58:24,800
No! Don't get your dick out!

1310
00:58:24,880 --> 00:58:27,520
Don't get your dick out!

1311
00:58:27,600 --> 00:58:29,360
Never get... Look at me!

1312
00:58:29,440 --> 00:58:31,560
Don't get your dick out! Bad boy!

1313
00:58:31,640 --> 00:58:32,960
Dirty boy!

1314
00:58:33,040 --> 00:58:36,000
Don't get your dick out!

1315
00:58:36,080 --> 00:58:38,440
Never get your dick...

1316
00:58:38,520 --> 00:58:39,960
Never get your dick out!

1317
00:58:40,040 --> 00:58:42,160
Don't get your dick out!

1318
00:58:42,240 --> 00:58:44,520
Never get your dick out, Jacob!

1319
00:58:45,240 --> 00:58:46,880
Let <i>her</i> get your dick out.

1320
00:58:46,960 --> 00:58:48,520
[audience laughs]

1321
00:58:48,600 --> 00:58:51,040
Then you're gold. Then you're gold!

1322
00:58:51,120 --> 00:58:53,280
[audience cheers and applauds]

1323
00:58:54,960 --> 00:58:58,360
Thank you so much for being out.
I really appreciate everyone.

1324
00:58:58,440 --> 00:59:01,160
That's it. Thank you very much, everyone!
Cheers. Good night!

1325
00:59:01,640 --> 00:59:04,080
Thank you very much.
It's very sweet of you. Cheers.

1326
00:59:04,160 --> 00:59:06,000
Thanks for coming out, everyone. Cheers.

1327
00:59:06,080 --> 00:59:07,480
[audience cheers and applauds]

1328
00:59:07,560 --> 00:59:08,560
Hey!

1329
00:59:10,520 --> 00:59:12,200
Take care. Safe home. Good night.

1330
00:59:19,560 --> 00:59:23,440
[audience cheers wildly]

1331
00:59:34,680 --> 00:59:36,680
[cheering continues]