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Fuck, dang it.
Alright.
Who the fuck's doing that?
The hell?
Yeah!
Gotcha!
- Son of a bitch.
- Robin, look out!
- What the hell was that?
Oh, my God, was that a person?
- Robin!
That wasn't no person.
Just some rabid animal.
Who let your pussy out of its cage?
So, last night's audience really liked
our number after intermission,
so I think I'm gonna move it up.
We should swap Bella's solo for mine.
- No, no, we still need an upbeat number
right before the reading.
Okay, then I'll close it.
Girl, this is not the Olive Wood Show.
Will you quit pitching this?
Robin, as our manager,
you want a killer show, right?
Perhaps we can tackle
this exciting idea tomorrow?
Or,
we vote on it.
- Bella!
Yeah?
Should I close the show?
Yes, bitch!
You always slay.
See? Two to one.
We're not making any major changes.
- Oh, okay. So, fuck my ideas.
Look here!
- Half of these ideas are yours!
And you want to know why?
- Because I take
suggestions like I suck dick.
If it's good, I'll swallow.
I've seen her do it.
Yes, diva. Listen to your mother.
Bitch, you just agreed with me!
About what?
About me closing.
Well, whatever Mama wants.
Not you taking the word drag literally.
So, Mama...
Uh-huh.
Y'all been at it a lot recently.
Any issues I need to be worried about?
Girl, there's no issues.
She's just cranky is all.
We're all exhausted and being broke ass
poor ain't helping.
Well, luckily tonight's
not just a generous paycheck.
It's also at a legendary venue.
I don't know how you pulled this one off.
- We're here.
- Wait, wait, Robin, stop!
- The Bold Buck?
Yeah, you girls excited?
- Please tell me you're joking?
What?
- We've been looking
forward to this gig for ages.
Robin, sweetie,
we've been looking forward
to performing at The Bold Tuck.
Not this dive for
Sons of Anarchy rejects.
Bitch, you booked the wrong venue!
Watch your mouth.
But she's right, sweetie.
You booked the wrong venue.
Oh fudge, not again.
- Oh my God, I have zero bars!
Yay, we're here.
Ooh, check out the trade.
Plaid on plaid on plaid, yes cowboy!
It's giving authentic,
Blake Shelton realness.
- Well, looky here.
Looks like the
carnival freak show's in town.
You lady boys lost or summin' ?
No, no, we're good.
You need help turning
your asses around or what?
- This ass has been turned, lifted,
and dropped more times
than a broadway curtain.
- If it was gonna have any more work done,
it wouldn't be by you.
Your makeup and fairy glitter
ain't fooling nobody, fellas.
Bitch, neither is that flashy exhaust
on that entry level hog.
Shut the fuck up, Fatboy.
Evening.
- Hello, yes, I'm Robin Banks.
We spoke over email.
Uh, we did?
We're performing tonight.
Y'all a band or summin' ?
We're drag queens, sweetie.
Y'all are in the wrong place.
I wish we were.
This some kinda joke, Dusty?
Yeah uh, Mindy must have booked it.
- Oh, fabulous.
May we speak with Mindy?
She works day shift.
- The person who
booked us is not even here?
Yeah, looks that way.
Perfect, let's just
get the hell outta here.
No, no, no, no, no, no, don't go.
Look, you were booked fair and square.
- And I've got no other show lined up, so
welcome to The Buck.
One moment, please.
Group meeting, group meeting.
Do you see all the daddies in here?
I see why this place is so legendary.
Bitch, we're in the wrong place.
- We're not staying.
The crowd looks like they're out for blood.
- The money we make
here wouldn't even cover
our medical expenses.
Okay, all right.
Bella? Robin?
I'm with you, Mama.
I'm sorry, ladies, this
is my fault, I should've--
Uh, uh, uh, what don't we do?
We don't shit on ourselves.
Exactly.
Alright, let's go.
Oh my God, it's them.
Be cool, be cool.
We are so excited to
watch you perform tonight.
I'm not even a
little embarrassed to admit
it's been the most exciting
thing on my schedule for weeks.
- Well, I'm sorry to break
it to you, but unfortunately--
Unfortunately, we are running behind.
Oh, don't worry about that.
- It's not like we've
been waiting.. uh.. I don't know,
our entire lives for
this town to throw a drag show.
Bitch, we got you.
Well, we better go get our seats.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
this doesn't change anything.
- Olive Wood
- I have to tell you,
I loved your performance
at Ride the Saddle Drag.
You should've won,
by the way. Hands down.
Oh my God, right?
Yeah, Carrie On can't read for shit.
Bitch, thank you.
This is like a dream come true.
- Nothing good ever
happens in this shit hole town,
but, here you are.
Reminds you why we do this, right?
Argh, shit.
I did not sign up to
break little queer hearts.
Come on then.
Y'all know it takes me at least
an hour to beat my face.
Ain't that the tea.
This is your room for tonight.
Dusty, was it?
Yeah.
I'm detecting notes
of stale beer and sweat.
My guess is piss.
Oh honey, we've got a fix for that.
Oh, wait.
These uh, these sprinklers
are ancient 'n super touchy.
You can't even make smokin'
old fashioneds anymore.
Yeah, the show is in an hour.
Tucking tape.
Want me to show you how it works?
It'll cost you extra.
You can close it.
Yeah.
- Squeal like a pig, squeal like a pig.
- They were all going crazy and
crying all sorts of things.
We've been dating for about two years
and she turns to me one day
and says, you know, I don't think
that was such a hot idea.
Well, fuck it, let's
get a drink in the bar.
Mama, look how thick
I look, girl, look at it.
Girl, those craters are
what killed the dinosaurs.
- You right, all this
ass-teroid, it sure did.
Ass-destroyed.
Whoo!
You can call her planet killer.
Alright ladies.
Yeah.
Let's show these people
what they've been missing.
- Now, Imma go get those
lighting cues together.
Get it girl.
Ugh, dammit, I can't find my pins.
Mama, your LaBeija pin? I couldn't!
- Yes you could,
cause we only have 10 minutes
till curtain call.
Okay, so for the opener, I
was thinking after the wrist tap
that I step into a jazz split?
Yes, I love that.
- No last minute
changes to the choreography.
I'm just embellishing it.
So it would be,
turn, turn, pas de bourrée,
wrist tap and -- I split!
No, I split.
- You stay the same, okay?
Okay...?
No tweaks, it'll upset the balance.
Y'all doing the same thing anyway,
it's only a tweak for me.
Which has a ripple
effect on the whole team.
You mean Bella?
She's got it, right Bella?
Yes girl!
No more pas de bourrée.
No, oh my God, you're
gonna do the same thing.
Listen, let me show you how it is, okay?
Here we go -- Girl!
No changes, keep it as
tight as our tucks, understood?
Goddamn it Earl, how many
times must I tell you
this ain't no chaise lounge?
This is our talent for tonight.
Now, she'll
guide you through the cues and stuff,
just make it, you know?
This a stripper act?
Well, there will be
generous servings of cake.
Now, we need a warm front
wash for the opening number
with lekos for dramatic punches
and keep the fresnels soft.
Mama says it creates
an intimate atmosphere,
but it's actually for
softening that five o'clock shadow.
Uh, I got a spotlight,
uh, it moves if you push it.
I see.
We've got some work to do.
- Sweet baby Jesus,
I mean, just what the hell
can I eat Dusty?
Like I told you the
delivery's late, kitchen's closed.
Grab some bar nuts till Rufus comes.
Your stinking nuts.
- Hey, that's for everyone.
Place sure as hell's going to shit.
Your old man would be turning in
his grave if he saw this Dusty.
Yeah, soon you'll
have a big ass rainbow flag
behind the bar.
Look, if y'all don't want to
stay for a performance
you can leave, fellas.
You keep staring like that,
she gonna pull out the bear spray.
No idea what you're talking about.
Mm-hmm.
Earl, try that.
Ooh, give me the
gobos, give me the gobos.
Gobos.
Earl, you keep
impressing me like this,
we might have to kidnap
you for our next tour.
Alright, let's cue
up the opening performance.
- Theydies and gentlethems
Straight from their global tour
of several nearby towns.
- Welcome to the stage
your queens!
♪ There's some whores in this house ♪
♪ I said certified freak, ♪
♪ seven days a week ♪
♪ Wet ass pussy, ♪
♪ make that pullout game weak ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, you fucking
with some wet ass pussy ♪
♪ Bring a bucket and a mop ♪
♪ for this wet ass pussy ♪
♪ Give me everything you got ♪
♪ for this wet ass pussy ♪
♪ Beat it up, baby, catch a charge ♪
♪ Extra large, and extra hard ♪
♪ Put this pussy right in yo' face ♪
♪ Swipe your nose ♪
♪ like a credit card ♪
♪ Hop on top, I want a ride ♪
♪ I do a kegel while it's inside ♪
♪ Spit in my mouth, look at my eyes ♪
♪ This pussy is wet, come take a dive ♪
♪ Tie me up like I'm surprised ♪
♪ Let's role-play, I wear a disguise ♪
♪ I want you to park ♪
♪ that big Mack truck ♪
♪ Right in this little garage ♪
♪ Make it cream, make me scream ♪
♪ Out in public, make a scene ♪
♪ I don't cook, I don't clean ♪
♪ But let me tell you, I got this ring ♪
♪ Gobble me, swallow me,
drip down the side of me ♪
♪ Quick, jump out 'fore you ♪
♪ let it get inside of me ♪
♪ I tell him where to put it, ♪
♪ never tell him ♪
♪ where I'm 'bout to be ♪
♪ I run down on him ♪
♪ 'fore I have a ♪
♪ running me. Talk yo' ♪
shit, bite your lip ♪
♪ Ask for a car ♪
♪ while you ride that dick ♪
♪ You ain't never gotta fuck him for a thing ♪
♪ He already made his mind up ♪
♪ 'fore he came ♪
♪ Now get your boots and your coat ♪
♪ for this wet ass pussy ♪
♪ He bought a phone just for pictures ♪
♪ of this wet ass pussy ♪
♪ Pay my tuition just to kiss me ♪
♪ on this wet ass pussy ♪
♪ Now make it rain ♪
♪ if you wanna see some wet ass pussy ♪
♪ Now from the top, make it drop, ♪
♪ that's some wet ass pussy ♪
This show come with barf bags?
♪ That's some wet ass pussy ♪
♪ I'm talking WAP, WAP, WAP ♪
♪ That's some wet ass pussy ♪
♪ Macaroni in a pot ♪
♪ That's some wet ass pussy, huh ♪
♪ There's some whores in this house ♪
- Yay! Ladies, I mean,
I can barely tiptoe
around a puddle in my crocs
'n here you all are dancin' in
heels higher than my bar tab!
I just, I'm done for it.
Shut up, Sheila.
Well, I bet y'all thought that
acronym stood for something else.
- Weapons are permitted.
- Well, you'd be right
this pussy is a weapon.
- No?
Well, y'all really
did come to a drag show
expecting fast cars or something.
Well, if it's
powerful pistons you're after,
wait till you see what's under my hood.
- You suck.
Well, that I do, but you ain't my type.
Oh, he ain't anyone's type.
- Shut the hell up, Sheila.
You just shut your mouth, Travis.
Or I'm gonna tell
everyone you get your mama
to sew on those little mean boy patches.
- She does not, I do it myself!
- Well, we've been
looking for a new seamstress,
so if your audition for
the new Easy Rider reboot
doesn't work out for you, give me a call.
The fuck you say to me?
Oh, I could do this all night,
cause Mama always gets the final say.
- This ain't amateur hour, so sit down.
Leave it up to the professionals.
Sit down, Travis.
Now that that's out the way
let me tell y'all a little story.
- Me and the girls were driving to
a gig last week...
The hell is your problem, Rufus?
Rufus!
Yer high blood pressure smells
Damn good.
- Rufus, you're late!
Where the hell is my delivery?
One bite and I bet you'll spray everywhere --
Back the hell up, hillbilly.
What the fuck?
- Oh my God.
- Did everyone see that?
Teeth!
- Travis!
- He fucking--
Put the goddamn gun away!
Rufus, are you drunk?
You had one too many, man.
Dusty!
Ah, fuck!
What the fuck you think you're doing?!
Get him off me!
What the hell?!
- Did y'all see that?
He bit Fatboy.
Who bites a man?!
Goddamn fools.
You come back,
I'll stick my foot so far up your ass,
your mustache will scrub my boot clean.
See a goddamn dentist.
- We're cool, we're cool, all good.
Man, I don't know what got into him
I've never seen Rufus like that.
You good?
That looks nasty Fatboy.
You might wanna have that checked out.
And for sure a tetanus shot.
Ain't nothin'.
You wanna call it in?
Said it ain't nothin',
just a flesh wound is all.
Alright, leave
him alone, he says he's fine.
Quit your clucking.
Okay, we're good, get some drinks.
Well, should we continue?
You wanna talk about what happened?
You mean the redneck that just pulled
a chunk out of that guy?
That was some Hills Have Eyes
type of shit right there.
- No, I'm talking about
what happened on stage.
I told you no changes.
Are you serious?
You wanna do this now?
Mama, we need to be leaving.
- Girl, the locals threw that creep out.
We are safer in here with them,
than we are out there with him.
I don't think that the
enemy of my enemy is my friend,
really applies in this situation.
- Well, I think we should continue.
Look, we have fans.
Bitch, you only wanna stay
cos you found a sausage to chew on.
You know what?
You can pull my solo from the set list
if it'll get us out this
shit hole any sooner.
- Wow, it's been a while
since I had a man fight over me.
- What's your secret?
I haven't had a
hickey like that in years.
Ain't a damn joke!
Oh, sweetie.
That must've been a lot
for you to have witnessed.
You doing okay?
I'm fine.
A real man knows how to handle a brawl!
Isn't that right, Fatboy?
Urgh.
- And how's your head?
My head is fine.
Don't worry about my head.
It's your head I'm worried about.
No matter how we're interpreting
this double entendre, I am perfect.
Now, to a lady who's
never had any complaints
about her head,
theydies and gentlethems,
Bella Da Boys!
♪ I need a playboy, ♪
♪ super smash gameboy ♪
♪ Send a dick pic, ♪
♪ then be on his way boy ♪
♪ Nothing like the chick flicks, ♪
♪ not just some LA boy ♪
Was Olive serious
about cutting her solo?
I don't know what that girl wants.
- You know, she asked to be here,
but she's been fighting
every creative decision
since joining this house.
- She just has a lot to
learn about sisterhood.
It's her first family.
Remember what we
were like back in the day?
Bitch, don't go there.
I've done my repentance.
♪ I need a ♪
playboy, super smash game boy ♪
♪ Send a dick pic, ♪
♪ then be on his way boy ♪
♪ Nothing like the chick flicks, ♪
♪ not just some LA boy ♪
♪ When he hit this bet the kitty make noise ♪
♪ Need a playboy ♪
Excuse me, boys.
I'll be right back.
Woowhee, proceed with caution, partner.
- I'd give that ten, if I were you Fatboy.
That could gag a grizzly.
The hell you doing, Fatboy?
Them lady boys turn you soft?
Hey! Hey! Move!
- This ain't
an eclipse Fatboy,
move your fat ass.
Hey! Bargain-bin Meat Loaf!
- Shit!
Oh, you wanna go?
Let's --
Okay.
You alright, Fatboy?
- Fatboy, you don't look so good.
Really?
Because I feel great!
Oh, hey Mama.
Is it time for our improv act already?
You smell delicious Travis!
- It's time for our get
the hell outta here act.
Now we can leave?
- Hey, get off him.
What the fuck Fatboy?!
You're a vegetarian.
Good God almighty!
Outside now!
Inside, now!
Fuck. Shit.
Fuck.
Pull yourself together.
We cool.
- Did he actually just turn to dust?
Well my tucks too tight for me to be tripping balls
so yes
I do believe he did.
Come on, get him.
Billy-Bob.
No, no.
I don't even taste good.
That's not true.
Wow, powerful swing you have there.
- If this is about what
happened with your old lady, then uh,
Darlene was the one throwing bait.
I just bit.
- Bitch just tried to
take a chunk out of me.
- Girl! Are those fangs?
- Was Fatboy rocking those the whole time?
- Ew, these vampires are
nothing like the Cullens.
Sweetie, vampires are not real.
- Neither are these, but it
doesn't mean I don't have titties.
- There's nothing there.
Did you just say
motherfucking vampires?
I never liked that jerk.
- Made damn sure we're
stuck here like sitting ducks.
- Then we just have to walk that duck.
Bella, honey, no,
no, no, no, no, come over here.
Sit down.
- Ain't vampires supposed to be sexy.
Whoa, the hell you think you're doing?
He's one of them.
Might as well end it now.
Hell no.
There ain't no such thing as vampires.
Fatboy just needs to sleep it off.
- Considering two of
them just turned to dust,
Buffy's looking real credible right now.
- Whoa, whoa.
Just can't kill him.
I know he's a friend.
He owes me money.
Oh.
Well, I ain't gonna wait
around until he attacks us again.
Kill him.
Wait!
Motherf...
We don't know shit
about what's going on.
He could wake up normal.
No.
Nuh uh.
I have an idea.
Sleep it off, Fatboy.
Thanks for the help, Dusty.
Uh, I don't wanna say I told you so, but.
Bitch, you didn't say
nothing about vampires.
Uh, well I did say
they were out for blood.
Hey, get your pale
ass off our campy van!
Yeah.
Line's still down.
No service.
What kind of idiot opens up a
bar in the middle of nowhere?
Uh, my great
granddad, Joe, he had a vision
when he opened up The Bold Buck.
It was rhetorical!
I say we teach these
cocksuckers a thing or two.
You're gonna teach me what now?
Hang on, hang on.
- We can't just go killin' 'em.
We know these people.
They just got Coach Hank and his wife.
- Marla?
- Goddamn, she was hot.
I've been working my moves
trying to score with
her since high school.
Despite her being out of
your league and off the market.
Classic cis-dude audacity.
- I ain't a sissy.
Fuck this!
I'm gonna go find the son of
a bitch what bit Fatboy.
Any of them other leeches get in my way.
I'm gonna take him out too--
Travis! Travis!
We gotta be smart about this, man.
Get out of my way, Dusty.
Dusty's right, we need a plan.
Like it or not, we're in this together.
I ain't in anything with you.
How do I know this ain't your fault?
Our fault your backward ass town
is full of twilight rejects?!
We let the trannies in town
suddenly it's Transylvania out there!
Nobody else find that a
little bit suspicious.
We may be creatures of the night,
but blood ain't what
we're looking to suck.
- I don't know what's going on,
but what I do know is
we have a better chance
if we stick together.
She's right.
- I like you as much as I
enjoy a gender reveal party,
but we don't need to be best friends,
tonight we're batting for the same team.
- Meaning you all like the ladies right?
No! Well, yes. That's
not what I mean right now.
Later, Sheila.
Okay.
I'm saying, quit making enemies in here.
Focus on the real threat.
- Oh, I am focused on the real threat.
Would you just shut your mouth, Travis?
- Travis, put the damn gun away.
What the hell's wrong with y'all?
Am I the only sane one here?
There are motherfuckin' vampires out there.
Oh, so now there's vampires?
Open the damn door, Dusty.
Come on, y'all.
This is for Fatboy!
Oh my God, the
bullets, they aren't working.
They're completely outmatched.
Holy shit, that
vampire just threw a motorcycle
like I throw shade.
Oh, that dude just got decapitated.
In slow motion?
Oh sweet baby Jesus!
It's a bloodbath!
Is that vampire popping a wheelie on a motorcycle?
They just blew up that truck!
You'd need a huge ass budget
to adapt this story cos
this shit is insane!
- Out the way, out the way!
Close the door, close the door!
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
I can not die tonight,
I'm wearing my laundry day drawers.
Goddamn, I almost had them.
If that was your almost, I'd
hate to see your not even close.
Dusty, we need to
board up all the windows
and doors in this place
until dawn clears them out.
Who's Dawn and why
can't she clear them out now?
Earl, grab the back door.
- Yeah.
Ain't the sort of suckers I thought I'd
be dealing with tonight.
So, what do we know about vampires?
Well, if we're going by
Interview with the Vampire rules,
we should offer them
a goblet of our blood
and hope they turn us into
their immortal companions.
But, if we're in a Blade scenario,
we should stock up on
UV lamps and katanas.
Oh, but if they're like Twilight vamps,
we should just act all mysterious
and emotionally unavailable.
Yes, it's definitely Twilight.
Those movies are based on books,
so you know real research was done.
- I think we need to cast a wider net.
Isn't there something about garlic?
Crosses.
Don't they hate crosses?
Oh, what about holy water?
Isn't there some sort of rule
that they can't come inside
unless they're invited?
- Well, at least
vampires have consent 101 down,
which is more than I
could say about most guys.
- So, we just don't invite them inside.
Seems simple enough.
Yeah,
that ain't gonna work.
What?
It's not like I bought it expectin'
vampires to show up.
And not a single one
looks like Jason Patric.
- Speaking of Lost Boys,
reckon they can fly?
- No silly,
they jump real high.
That's why they're so good at baseball.
- Can't they turn into bats?
Like in that foot fetish movie?
From Dusk Till Dawn.
Mama, if we get these
suckers away from the parking lot
and make a beeline
for campy van, we can
get the hell out of here.
Honey, I think that
everyone would prefer
the vampires to get
out of the parking lot.
If we let the locals
create some sort of distraction,
we could make a run for it.
Bitch, our tires are slashed.
Campy can still take us
a fair distance away.
We need to try!
It's too dangerous, Olive.
Safety in numbers.
- Most of the motherfuckers
in here would rather see us dead!
- Girl! I can't be
arguing with you right now.
I need you on my team.
Hello?
Anyone there?
Christ, Travis! You gave
me a damn heart attack!
How's the back door?
As good as it's gonna get.
Earl,
the rainbow parade
outnumber us out there now.
I don't trust them.
They ain't a threat, Travis.
All I'm saying is, they're gonna be
looking out for their own.
We got to do the same.
Comprendé?
Yeah?
Uh-huh.
Holy shit.
Bowling alley.
There's a bowling alley here?
Yeah, in the basement.
It ain't been
operational for a number of years
on account of my dad
skimping on the levelers.
You can bowl straight as a country mile,
the balls always swing to the left.
Sounds familiar.
I just wanted a yes
or no, man, that's all.
Is this gonna be a problem for us?
Well, it only has a broken window.
I said I'll get to it -- two years, Earl.
Two years.
We should split up, cover more ground.
- And there's the catchphrase heard
before ever gruesome
horror movie death.
Unfortunately, he's right.
We know that stabbing them
through the heart kills them.
We need weapons.
Grab whatever you can.
I'm talking about pool cues,
broken bottles, kitchen knives.
I am a weapon.
- If it's sharp, it's a weapon.
Huh, that rules you out then.
Garlic bread.
Oh babies, Mama loves you.
But she's too old to be
running around in pumps.
Alright, y'all.
We need a team station here, in the back,
and in the basement.
- Shit!
- Ooh damn!
Fucknut!
Yeah, I'll probably just stay here.
Keep them at bay.
If I was more confident
in my status as a final girl,
I'd venture into the basement,
but I'm black, so...
I'll take the back door.
I'll go with you.
I'll take the basement.
Earl.
Yeah?
You go with the Scarlet
Pimpernel and Captain Poof.
- Chuck, Marv, you're with me.
We'll go with you.
Thanks.
Don't thank me.
It ain't about helping ya.
I just don't trust ya.
Just when I thought we were bonding.
Oh no.
Olive.
Yeah, what's up, Mama?
I need you to take the
kids in the back and watch them.
They'll never survive out here.
Me?
Mm-hmm.
Don't be Mary
Poppinsin' your Lara Croft.
I'm your best fighter.
I know, that's why they need you.
Now you take that
beautiful rack Tomb Raider,
go watch the kids, okay?
Goddamn.
And remember, aim for the heart.
Y'all,
y'all go ahead now.
I've got the home base covered.
Ooh, get in here and
pick out an outfit, babe.
Okay, I'll pick one for you,
you pick one for me.
- Okay, let's see.
How much leg are you willing to show?
- Like a gorgeous half calf?
- I was thinking, this is more sassy,
but this is more bondage.
Do you go Buffy or Blade?
I'd say Wesley Snipes all the way.
That one.
Oh my gosh, have you
ever unhooked a bra before?
Um, kind of.
Bitch, what are you doing?
Wardrobe change, girl.
We don't have time for that.
Bitch, we're stepping into a new act
and I'll be damned if I go out
pulling a Bianca Del Rio.
She means wearing the same look.
Bitch, I know what she means.
Oh, okay, bitch.
- Look,
It's just your size and
it will look so cute on you.
Broken window's over here.
Get whatever you can
find and board it up.
- Marv.
Here.
- Marv!
You fellas got this?
Protect that with your lives.
Oh shit, they just got Cash Jr.
I wonder how that works.
Do vampires still grow fangs
if they ain't got no teeth to begin with?
Oh my God!
You really should barricade this.
Yeah.
I look so good.
I've never looked so
fricking good in my life.
You paint like a god, you're amazing.
- Oh my gosh, stop it.
Should we do lashes next?
Yes queen.
You two stay put.
Where are you going?
- To get campy van.
There's no suckers
outside and I've got a shot.
But Mama said we should--
Mama isn't always right.
Maybe she should have worn
something less conspicuous.
Something less shiny.
Oh honey, if you're not turning heads,
you're not doing it right.
I don't think that
applies in this situation.
Right.
Hey, mine.
- Come on campy, come on.
Come on!
Fuck.
You're not invited inside.
Darlin',
You can't keep me out of
the car with that no invitation rule.
Bitch, this is a mobile home!
It has a bed, kitchenette,
and a damn pot I piss in.
Bye bye now.
Where's that fucking sucker going now?
Marv!
Chuck, shoot her!
Chuck!
Marla?
- Honey?
You still look great, Marla.
Marla,
now, now listen --
Marla.
Oh, I, I got vampire in my mouth.
I'm okay.
Thanks.
Yeah, no problem.
Well, what we gonna do about him?
- Girl you are fierce.
- This is looking really, really good.
- Oh my God look at this one.
- Here, maybe try tucking this in a bit.
- Unhook that bra, bitch.
- Here's the one.
- What are you doing?
- Yeah, oh my God, we're gonna slay.
- We look good!
- We look so frickin' good!
Ooh, camouflage.
- Why glitter?
- If we sparkle, the vampires will think
we're one of their own.
Yes, we could be the sneak attack.
Now, glitter is a commitment.
It's the herpes of the drag world.
Hmm, good point.
What else you got?
Bitch run!
Run faster, run faster!
Bondage was a bad idea, girl.
I really enjoyed the show.
Well, what we got to see of it.
The um, the lighting was incredible.
Did you design that?
Yeah, but I'm just back up.
The other girls are the real stars.
Oh, well, stars are just rocks
floating through space without their light.
Feels kinda inappropriate
to be this turned on right now.
Well, maybe imminent death
is the ultimate aphrodisiac?
Get off him!
Steven!
Oh my God!
These vampires
I think they're celiac.
I think, I think maybe it's
probably more the garlic.
Oh, okay.
Earl, honey, you okay?
I'm fine.
Bitch, who's there?
Holy shit, holy shit!
Bitch, if you put a dent in campy,
I swear I will kill your sorry pale ass!
But, to be clear, Imma kill you either way,
but I'll be way more pissed off!
Hey!
Ain't that your delivery guy?
Oh that's him.
He's fired.
Yeah.
You hear that
Rufus, you're fired!
Dusty, do you mind?
Oh, sure.
See, I missed out on wing night
tonight because of this jerk.
So here I am, eating
damn bar nuts for my supper
like I ain't got no damn self respect--
Goddamn, what the hell was that?
I just really wanted
wings tonight, Dusty.
You really ought to
finish barricading this window.
Yip.
Oh my God! That was so badass.
Why did nobody see that?
Why didn't..?
Ew.
Is everyone okay?
No!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I
just, I'm just hangry.
Yo, everyone, you won't
believe the kill I just had.
I was like, fork you!
Where's Bella?
She's not here?
Which one's Bella?
No!
Mama,
Mama, I don't think I'm
gonna make the next number.
Shh, shh, shh.
It's okay, it's okay.
Bella?
Bella!
- Somebody!
Help!
- Shit!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Well, she's not in the back.
No!
- Oh, thank God you're here.
Where's Bella?
Where were you?
Oh, Bella!
Bella! --
Where were you?
Mama, I was just trying to get campy.
I was trying to get us all out of here --
You left her.
- It was safe.
There were no fucking
leeches around, right?
Right?!
One of them jumped through the window
we had to run, I'm sorry.
You're not the one
that needs to apologize.
- You're not saying this is my fault.
No, she's not saying that.
I asked you to stay with her.
- You fight me at every turn, but this,
this was not the fight to pick.
If you didn't leave her,
she'd still be with us.
She'd still be here,
if you listened to me.
I was trying to get us out.
I was right!
Bitch again!? Everything always
revolves around you!
Me?
If it was all about me,
I'd be back in the city
getting my fucking salad tossed by now.
- I was trying to get us out,
but who cares?
Because Mama Sue Flay
always has the final say, right!?
You should have been with her.
You're right, it's just as much my fault.
- No, the ones to blame are
the blood suckers outside.
- We can still win this.
We know their weakness, garlic.
Dusty, give us everything you've got.
The kitchen's completely empty.
There's nothing in there.
- Jeez Dusty, you ever
heard of an inventory?
Well, we'll figure something else out,
but we can't let this tear us apart.
She's doing a fine
job of that on her own.
And you?
- We wouldn't even be in this shit hole
if it wasn't for you,
fucking up the booking again!
- Yep, big fucking surprise.
We were never supposed to be here.
Why the fuck would we ever
pick this dive?
- This is by far, the worst shit
hole I have ever been through.
And I know what I'm talking about,
because I've performed in
every shit hole in New Jersey.
And why the fuck y'all haven't left,
I have no fucking clue.
Someone's gotta stick around.
Otherwise who makes a difference?
Make a difference?
To who?
- You'll end up exhausted and beaten.
Pricks like him
have an endless supply of hate.
You'll never escape it.
Maybe, but hatred is
more exhausting than hope.
We should've left when I said.
Olive, we have to stay --
No, bitch!
- I'm listening to no one
but myself from now on.
Let her be.
Hey.
You know I told you,
my day manager
Mindy, she booked you.
Mm-hmm.
She didn't book you.
I did.
I had my suspicions.
You did?
Sweetie, you were ogling our gowns,
like a lesbian at a Subaru dealership.
I have no idea what
that means, but,
I guess, given the context, I wasn't
exactly being subtle.
You do know you can like drag, right?
It's ok, even straight men do.
Don't make you any less of a man.
I know.
I used to do it.
Hmm?
Drag.
Really?
What was your stage name?
It was between the
ages of five and eight,
so I never really settled on one.
What made you stop?
My old man,
he found me and his belt buckle
left a rather painful reminder never to
tread that path again.
Um,
I'm sorry about your friend.
He seemed, uh, she seemed nice, so.
Sorry about your loss, too.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, hell yeah.
Hey, Travis, you out there?
You can let me out, buddy.
I'm feeling better.
Travis?
Let me out!
I mess up a lot.
You can't blame
yourself for what happened.
I'm not saying it for a pity party.
It's just sometimes I just
feel like I don't have control
over my own damn mind.
It's like a new idea struts on the stage
and everything else just
gets pushed to the wings.
Not a lot of people
get to see the world
the way that you do.
It's what makes you, you.
And,
I'm a big fan.
Wow, that was cheesy.
It's okay, I like cheese.
Blue, stilton, cheddar.
I'll even take a
questionable gas station string cheese.
- Incoming!
What?
Shit.
Rufus is building a whole army out there.
I don't think we can take him.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,
this couldn't get any worse.
Let's do this!
- Oh no, college jocks.
The clientele here just
gets better and better, right?
Hey.
- With all that unchecked
testosterone running around,
we're definitely gonna need a plan B.
What!? There was a plan A?
- We can take him.
I found another fork.
We're gonna die.
- Hey now, we've got this.
We faced these vampires before
and we're still standing, right?
This lot ain't got a...
What do we want?
Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood!
Oh I'm having flashbacks.
I think I'm about to be
thrown into a locker.
Was there a pep talk there coach?
Well, they're out
there and we're in here.
We just gotta keep it that way.
Fatboy!
- Buddy?
Feeling any better?
Oh shit!
I feel great.
I'm out of fucking ammo!
- Steven!
- You fucking blind!?
- What the hell is that gonna do?
Fatboy is gluten intolerant!
Oh fuck!
That's why it's a minimum
of six inches for me, bitch.
Oh, hey ladies.
Oh my God, I thought we lost you.
Sorry, Mama.
You know I love to
make a dramatic entrance.
I'm fucking ravenous right now.
You all smell amazing, by the way.
- What are you doing?
What's happening?
It's a lovely moment.
I really hate to break it up, but I--
She's one of them.
No, you asshole!
Stand down, Travis.
Who you telling to stand down?
There's a motherfucking vampire four
feet from us, Dusty.
Don't make me go through ya.
You're gonna have to.
Bella, you won't bite us, right?
Not unless you ask.
Why is that?
Sweetie, you just said you're hungry
and that we smell good.
Honey, these vampires,
which you're now one of,
they've been trying to
kill us all night, or turn us.
So...
You think I'm gonna do that?
I fucking know you're gonna do that.
You don't even know me.
Well, why don't you tell us
how you're different to all the others?
Bitch, I don't know.
I've literally been
doing this for like a second.
My guess is that the other vampires
don't give a fuck about anyone else.
Those are my friends out there --
-- were my friends.
Fuck, I don't know.
Listen, this thirst is fucking intense.
Like I can hear your
arteries pumping so fucking loud
and they're telling me,
"Bella, come take a sip.
I know you want to."
But I won't.
I can control myself.
She's right.
The hunger's a real thing.
But you'd be surprised
rat à la carte ain't half bad.
So you had some ratatouille.
Not now!
Oh fuck!
See, just because
we're undead or whatever
doesn't mean we're evil.
Do I want blood?
Yes!
Do I want dick?
Also yes.
But both dishes are
best served the same way.
With consent, bitch.
I'm so happy you're back.
Wait, you're saying we got two
motherfucking vampires
with us in here now?
Yeah.
Think about it this way,
we have two vampires on our side now.
Fuck!
Hey y'all.
Sheila, you as well?
When?
Sheila, how's our barricade coming along?
Uh huh.
- Why didn't you say anything?
Well, I mean, I want to stay alive.
Undead.
- And you all would have judged me now.
Just Travis.
- Scared to reveal
your truth for judgment
and the fear of death?
Can't relate.
Travis, she's been a
vampire this whole time
and hasn't attacked us.
We're safe.
You telling me that
my blood ain't appetizing
as fuck to all y'all leeches?
Look here.
I mean, you all smell fucking great.
- But so do Krispy Kremes.
Yet somehow I managed keto twice.
- So...
The way I see it,
if you're an asshole human,
you're an asshole vampire.
Yes, bitch.
Not to lower the stakes or anything,
but ah, worst case scenario
we become good vampires?
Yeah, so the guys out there
feeling pretty embarrassed
about their performance earlier,
to overcompensate their new plan
is to just straight up kill us all.
Sweetie, how'd you know that?
I can hear 'em chatting outside.
Y'all must be hungry.
Don't turn 'em,
just rip 'em apart 'n feast.
So she has supernatural power.
- No, Bella's right.
- They ain't planning
any more transformations.
Just straight up.
- We have a fighting chance now.
We're all on the same side.
- Prepare the stakes.
- Remember,
bigger really is better.
Sorry, it was just sitting there.
Honey, don't apologize.
Though I might say this
is not the appropriate time
to try a new look.
New act, new look, bitches.
Bitch, been undead for two minutes.
I was just being silly.
I was just thinking, ya know, probably the
only chance I'll ever get before --
Before we die?
Mama,
he needs this.
Alright, sit.
- Go on, sit down.
Come on.
- Might I suggest a
Cherry Pop to go with that gorgeous mug?
And what about this?
Make those killer
cheekbones center stage, bitch.
- We're gonna make you look beautiful.
Hey, Mama.
Uh-huh.
Where's Olive?
- She left. We got into a fight.
- About what?
- Same as always,
we're both two stubborn divas.
It's like two power bottoms dating.
- Sure, you know it's a struggle,
but you'll come together in the end.
Not this time.
Dusty?
I usually don't do this,
but I'm gagging.
- Damn! Maybe we can use
those cheekbones as a weapon.
- Wow, you look amazing.
- Ain't that a slap in the face.
You scrub up better than I do.
- Jeez Dusty.
You got pronouns now or something?
Everyone does, darlin'.
Not me.
Oh shit, what was that?
I am in no mood to fuck around.
You wanna dance? Let's dance.
Open the door!
Might as well go out in style.
Curtains up, bitches.
Do I have time to pee?
- No, Sheila.
I'd be pissed too.
Facing immortality with that mug.
Fuck!
Crucifixes don't work.
Oh, the church lied?
So unlike them!
Fuck face!
You want me to beg?
- Run?
Fuck you!
You think you're the first
bloodsucker I've had to deal with?
- Bitch! You need a fucking mint.
This is some bullshit.
Jax!
Earl!
No!
Fuck you!
Ah,
Travis.
Yeah?
You...
Oh, fuck's sake, Sheila.
Mama!
Sheila!
No!
You're not turning into dust.
No.
Fucker got me in the tittie!
Oh...
Shit is that? That's nasty.
Yeah.
- Dusty, watch out!
Mama!
Killing you lot.
Now that's my kinda show.
Your main event's right here.
Bitch.
Olive, run!
Listen, Mama. I know
this is terrible timing
to say this after
arguing about my inability
to follow orders.
But no.
- Garlic water, bitches!
Kill it! Kill it!
Where you going?
Show's not over.
Damn, he stank.
Wait, wait, wait.
Did we win?
We won!?
The black one survived!
Mama, I'm really sorry,
I never should have --
What don't we do?
We don't should on ourselves.
Oh! -- I missed you.
Guys, I can't believe I was knocked out.
I wanted to be a final girl.
Bella, you're alive!
Well, alive or undead?
Semantics.
- Hold on, are you a --
Glampire, yes, bitch.
We'll explain later.
Seriously?
- Bitch,
you're a new drag queen
and you look this motherfucking good!
Head to toe.
Yeah you did, girl, you did!
- If you ever need help
with your first number,
you'd have one hell of a choreographer.
Wait, you want me
to handle our routines?
Mama, I'm honored to be led by you.
And every good
leader recognizes potential.
Look, I don't think we
should draw this goodbye out
too long or anything.
And I ain't sayin' I'm gay or nothin',
but y'all are alright in my book, so.
Why would saying that make you gay?
I'm sayin' I ain't gay!
Jax!
Goddamn it.
- No, no, no, no, no!
I'm melting!
Oh fuck!
- Melting!
How many times this bitch gon' die?!
- Holy shit.
Was Twilight right?
No, bitch, I put
glitter foundation on earlier.
Fuck my life.
- Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
We can go out in the sun?
This means I don't have
to miss bikini season?
I'm gonna have to get me a new tittie.
Yeah.
She's good to go.
It'll make it to the
next service station.
She could use a good once over.
So could I!
We'll be back this way in a few weeks.
Perhaps we can meet up then?
I'm definitely up for that.
You'll be up all right.
Mama!
- This has been the best day of my life.
I'm gonna miss you, Jax.
Okay.
No, bitch. Keep it.
Really?
Of course.
Now get out, I need some me time.
Thank you.
Whoa! What the fuck, Sheila!?
- You got, you got a little --
- I was hungry, but I'm feelin'
a lot better now.
Sheila, whose blood is that?
I don't know, it's one
of the dead guys in there.
But I've got me some takeout.
- But you know what they say?
Waste not, want not.
You're doing your
bit for the environment.
Yeah, I really like that for you, Sheila.
Yeah, always.
- Thank you for everything.
You gonna be all right?
Oh yeah, I got such
big dreams for this place.
By big, you mean an
alphabet mafia queer dream, right?
Yeah, queer.
So queer, my old man, would turn in his grave.
Bitch, don't be
talking about no damn zombies.
I am done with the undead.
- Be sure to give us a call
when you're all set up.
We'd be honored to
perform on your stage any day.
- Seat belts on ladies,
we got some time to make up.
No sucker's ever taken
us off schedule before and
they ain't about to now.
The show must go on.
Robin, get us out of here.