(TV playing indistinctly)
Aikman's looking good today.
He just threw an interception.
I didn't say he was playing good.
You can't even see his face behind the helmet.
I didn't say his face.
-Hey. -Hi.
Hey, how was the park?
Oh, CeeCee had a little incident.
Yeah, she drop one in the sandbox again?
No, she saved that for the walk home.
Come on, stinky.
Well, what happened?
Oh, she bit a kid.
Oh, boy. You got to get on that.
We did.
We explained to her that biting is wrong,
and if she's upset, she should use her words.
Ugh.
What?
Here's a word: pathetic.
It's pathetic to teach my daughter right from wrong?
Look, honey, Aikman's bending over to tie his shoe.
No, it's ridiculous to think
you can reason with a two year old.
Well, what would you have done?
Bite her back.
You're joking.
She ain't.
I'm not biting my daughter.
Worked on you.
You bit me?
You bit me. Only once.
You let her bite me?
Only once.
* *
(coos)
Hey. (sighs)
Are you worried about CeeCee?
Right now? No.
Yeah, but what if she's that weird bitey kid
that nobody wants to play with?
-That'd be awful. -No, I-I'm serious.
(sighs) This kind of stuff follows you around.
I-I knew this kid who wet himself in kindergarten,
and then, all through high school, he was "Pee-Pee Peter."
It ain't a big deal. Sometimes, two year olds bite.
Well, did you?
No, Missy was the biter.
But she mostly bit Sheldon, so who could blame her?
Well, what got her to stop?
I taught her to do purple nurples instead.
Is that what you're gonna teach our daughter?
The playground's rough.
If you ain't the nurpler, you're the nurplee.
How are you the father of my child?
Let me show you.
MANDY: Come on, CeeCee, you have to get dressed.
-CEECEE: No. -I'm serious.
-CEECEE: No. -Come on. Arms up...
-MANDY: (gasps) Ow! -(CeeCee laughs)
MANDY: That's it, you are in time-out.
You are going to sit here
-and think about what you did. -No.
How's it going in there?
Fine.
Really?
'Cause it sounded like she bit you.
Which is why she's in time-out.
Mm, in her room with her toys.
I hope she's okay.
She is my daughter and I will raise her how I see fit.
-(CeeCee screaming) -(door thumping)
(CeeCee crying)
Sounds like you've got this.
What are you smiling about?
CeeCee bit Mandy.
You're happy about that?
Yes.
Very mature.
Georgie, if one of you would just bite her back,
this would all end.
All I know is I love and support my wife.
Well done, young man.
You agree with him?
If I say yes, you gonna bite me?
Good one.
I hope she bites you both.
Was she like this when you married her?
Believe it or not, she's mellowed.
Hey.
You're here early.
Yeah, things are a little tense at the house.
Sorry.
-That's it? -What?
Well, this is usually when you say something stupid like,
"Did Mandy come to her senses and kick you out?"
(laughs) I love that I'm in your head this much.
What's going on?
CeeCee's been biting people,
and Mandy and her mom are knocking heads
over how to handle it.
Biting people?
You feeding her enough?
I'm sure it's just a phase.
When my dog was a puppy and he'd bite stuff,
I'd give him a rubber bone to chew on.
You want me to give my daughter a bone like a dog?
Why not?
I'm sure there's a good reason, I just can't think of it.
The bumpy ones also clean their teeth.
(door opens)
What you reading?
Book on parenting.
Anything helpful?
I don't know. Maybe.
We could put on a little play with stuffed animals
to show her how biting hurts.
Hmm. My mom made me do a Christmas play once.
I was a sheep.
Great, you can be a sheep again.
Don't typecast me. I got range.
Hey, how would you feel about
giving her a rubber bone to chew on?
Like a dog?
I know it sounds ridiculous.
It's way past ridiculous, it's nuts.
Right.
But why?
-MANDY: Okay, you ready? -GEORGIE: Yeah.
Okay, CeeCee,
Mommy and Daddy are gonna put on a little show for you.
(low-pitched): Aww, who are you?
(low-pitched): I'm Doodles the dog.
Who are you?
GEORGIE: I'm Billy Bob the bear.
Hi, Billy Bob. Want to play?
Oh, sure.
But not in the street.
That's dangerous.
How about we stick to the script, Billy Bob?
Excuse me for trying to squeeze in an extra lesson.
Want to play hide-and-seek?
Sure. I'll hide first.
No. I'll hide first.
Well, too bad.
Well, then, I'm gonna bite you.
(shouts, growls)
Ow.
You bit me.
(laughing)
No, don't clap at that.
Yeah. I'm hurt.
Yay!
(whispers): She might be evil.
Hey.
Hi.
Um, I thought you were taking CeeCee to the park.
Well, we had to cut it short.
She bit someone again.
(sighs): Oh, God. No.
It's all right. I handled it.
You didn't bite her, did you?
I had no choice.
Not biting her was a choice.
It was just a nibble.
Well, did she cry?
Of course she cried.
She's not used to being disciplined.
You had no right to do that.
Well, somebody had to parent her.
I am her parent. I parent her, not you.
Well, maybe I shouldn't watch her anymore.
Well, maybe you shouldn't.
Don't blame me if your kid's a cannibal!
(phone ringing)
Cooper residence.
Oh, hi, Mandy.
She bit her?
No, of course.
You can stay here for as long as you want.
No, no. No thanks necessary.
Okay. Bye.
You do work in mysterious ways.
Can I get anyone another slice?
No, I'm stuffed.
Yeah, you didn't have to make us a pie.
My pleasure.
Just one of the many perks of living here.
We ain't living here, it's just a couple days
till everybody cools off.
Well, until my mom apologizes.
We might be living here.
I don't wish to speak ill of your mother...
Oh, please. Speak ill. Ill away.
I just can't believe she would bite that sweet little angel.
(scoffs) Well, she ain't exactly been an angel lately.
So, you think biting her was okay?
Well, of course not.
She should've just spanked her like a normal person.
What? We don't spank.
We don't?
No. Wh...
Have you spanked her?
Not yet, but I didn't know we were against it.
(scoffs) Well, we are.
She spanked me, I turned out fine.
I didn't spank him much.
You spanked me when I cussed, when I sassed.
Oh, you really spanked me that time I laughed
while you were spanking me.
We are not talking about me, we are talking about
her nasty mother and how much safer CeeCee is here.
One time, I flushed a cherry bomb down the toilet at school.
I got whupped by the principal, my dad,
even the custodian got in a whack.
That's terrible.
Maybe, but that was the last time
I blew up plumbing with fireworks.
Word on the street is,
you finally drove Georgie and Mandy out.
They'll be back.
Till then, I guess it's just the three of us. (exhales)
(sighs)
Like the good old days, huh?
Feel free to drive him out, too.
Good one, Pop. (chuckles)
I miss this.
Connor, you think I was a good mother, right?
The best.
Thank you.
I don't know what Amanda's problem is.
You bit her daughter.
I knew you were gonna find some way to blame me.
It's the one thing she said not to do.
You always take her side.
Well, I'd love to take your side, but you make it hard.
-AUDREY: You always want to be the good guy. -(sighs)
-This just feels right. -JIM: Who doesn't like being the good guy?
AUDREY: Me. Me. I'm the one...
What's all this?
Oh, sorry, I was just trying to find something
CeeCee would eat.
I made eggs, but she didn't want that,
so made some pancakes,
then she spit that out, so... made some oatmeal.
Huh.
We were always more of a "eat what's in front of you"
kind of house.
Well, I just always think it's more important
she gets a good meal than what's easiest for me.
Never thought of it that way.
If I did this at my house, my mom would
roll her eyes so hard she'd pull a muscle.
Well, her generation is kind of set in their ways.
Sure are.
You know, if you think about it,
I am closer to your age than your mom's.
I guess.
I did the math, it's true.
Um, listen, I need to run some errands later.
Do you mind watching CeeCee for a few hours?
-I would love to. -Oh, and if she throws a tantrum,
we've been working on taking deep breaths,
so just remind her.
To breathe?
Yeah.
You got it.
-Okay, CeeCee, give Nana the block. -CEECEE: No.
Take a deep breath and give Nana the block.
CEECEE: No!
I'm gonna ask one more time.
Give Nana the block.
(gasps) Ow!
-(laughs) -Don't you laugh, you little...
(CeeCee laughing)
(door opens)
Sorry I'm late.
I drove to the other house before I remembered.
No problem. Dinner's in the oven.
What happened to you?
Ugh. Your daughter threw a block at me.
-You okay? -I'm fine.
(sighs) I'll talk to her.
Mandy already told her to apologize.
Good.
She said no.
I don't know what's gotten into her.
-It's not her fault. -Thanks.
-It's yours. -What? I wasn't even here.
Your daughter needs boundaries.
The Bible is very clear. Spare the rod, spoil the child.
Where was that last night
when Mandy was saying, "We don't spank"?
It is not my place to say something,
but someone else could.
Like who?
Maybe Mandy's husband or CeeCee's father?
Those are both me.
Oh, Mary, if you have a cookie,
I think I can get her to apologize.
Oh. (clicks tongue)
(sighs)
I thought you were in the shower.
No, your mother is in the shower and Missy called next.
Hmm. If only there was a place where we had our own bathroom.
You would trade your daughter's safety for a shower?
And a toilet.
Look, your mom went too far,
but CeeCee does need some boundaries.
I mean, she hurt my mom.
So, we should hit her?
It ain't hittin', it's spankin'.
See? No big deal.
Get over my knee and I'll show you.
I can't believe you're not with me on this.
The Bible does say, "Spare the rod, spoil the child."
Since when do you quote the Bible?
It's not me.
It's the house.
Oh, I get it now. This is coming
-from your mother. -What?
Yeah, you two have been talking about what a bad parent I am.
No, what bad parents we are.
'Cause we're a team.
You suck.
GEORGIE: No. We suck.
Remember: team.
(radio static)
DOCTOR OLIVER (over radio): Welcome back to Family Spotlight.
Our next caller wants to ban her sister from her wedding.
Ooh, yummy.
Hi, Jeanette, you're on the air with Dr. Oliver.
Tell me about this sister of yours.
JEANETTE: Well, she announced her pregnancy at my bridal shower.
Boring.
And I think my fiancé's the father.
Here we go.
Thanks for calling Family Spotlight,
where our spotlight is on your family.
Our next caller is Mandy from Texas.
Mandy, I understand
you're upset with your mother.
Get this: she bit my daughter.
I'm sorry, did you say "hit" or "bit"?
Oh, "bit" with a "B,"
as in "bitch," like my mother.
And why would your mom do this?
My two year old's just going through a biting phase,
and she insisted on teaching her a lesson.
Has she bitten people before?
My daughter or my mother? Doesn't matter.
Yes to both.
AUDREY: Thank you
for letting me know.
What's going on?
Apparently, Amanda is on the radio
saying awful things about me.
Oh, no.
What station?
MANDY (over phone): She thinks her way
is the only way to do things.
I mean, just because she broke my father's spirit,
she thinks she can do the same to me.
Hold on, hold on.
We're being told that we actually have
your mom on the other line.
What? No. Don't pick up.
Hi, Audrey, you're on with Dr. Oliver.
I don't know what Amanda has been telling you,
but I was an excellent mother.
You bit your granddaughter.
AUDREY: It was a nibble,
and I was simply teaching her there are consequences
for bad behavior.
With more bad behavior? God...
Let her have it, Doc.
Well, recent studies do suggest
that nonviolent methods like time-outs can be
a more effective form of child-rearing.
Mm-hmm. Bite that, Mom.
Sounds like a load of Yankee psychobabble.
Where are you based out of, Doctor?
Chicago.
Of course you are.
You see what I'm dealing with here?
Welcome to Texas, where we're bitin' and spankin'
all the ding-dang day.
Don't be so dramatic.
Your father spanked you and you survived.
(laughs softly) I got news for you.
He didn't lay a finger on me.
What?
Yeah. Couldn't do it. He just told you he did.
Jim, I know you're listening. Pick up a phone.
JIM: I don't want to.
Jim!
JIM: (sighs) Hello.
That ain't good. All right, thanks.
-What? -Mandy and Mrs. McAllister
are going at it on the radio.
-Really? -Oh, like you don't want to hear.
-A.M. 1060. -Thank you.
JIM (over radio): I couldn't do it.
She would look at me with those big eyes.
Would've been like spanking Bambi.
So it's your fault she's like this.
Like what? Happy, successful, confident?
Try soft, spoiled
and ungrateful.
-Can I hang up now? -AUDREY: No.
Audrey, you do seem to harbor
some resentment toward your daughter.
That's not true.
Oh, please, she's been out to get me
ever since I met my husband.
Oh, and when you say "met,"
you mean, "got knocked up by"?
And did I mention he was only 17
-when it happened? -Mom!
Can I please hang up?
You gonna call in and defend your woman's honor?
Not in a million years.
So now we're staying at my mother-in-law's. (scoffs)
She's a piece of work.
She was pretending to be all supportive,
but behind my back, she was calling me a bad parent.
Sounds like her.
MANDY: Stay out of this!
Actually, I believe we have your mother-in-law
on the other line.
Is this Mary?
You are darn tootin' it is.
And I didn't say anything behind your back.
That's not what Georgie said.
Well, I don't know what he told you,
but I do believe in spanking,
and he is not too old to go over my knee.
Last chance.
Screw it, dial.
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