Think about it. The bad guys come out.
We're distracted. They see us.
Suddenly they see two grown-ups in a car, at night.
What do they think?
-Who knows? -I know. It's this.
Those two cops are investigating us.
Wait a minute.
What's that in their back seat?
A fucking pink unicorn?
Yeah, they can't be cops, right?
It would be dumb for cops to have a unicorn in their car.
-Eureka! -Fine. The unicorn protects us.
-It's like a cloak of invisibility. -Let's get you a medal.
Attention, the Crouton Operation is ongoing.
Several undercover agents are surveilling suspicious locations
all over the city.
So, here we are.
We've been here for three days and that's what you say,
"So, here we are"?
-I can't believe it. -So, here we are.
My goodness.
What's the problem with "so, here we are"?
Come on... So, yeah, here we are.
-It's a saying. -Yeah, a saying.
-Okay, relax. -Really? I'm so relaxed.
-I'm absolutely relaxed. -You're so, so relaxed.
We've been surveilling for three days
and all you say is, "So, here we are"?
-Are we in a fucking elevator? -No.
-Are we neighbors? -No.
What are we?
Friends. We're friends. Best friends.
That's too far. Partners.
I wouldn't say we're best friends. You don't know my favorite food.
Spaghetti carbonara.
-Or favorite color. -Pistachio green.
-Favorite song... -"Laura no está" by Nek.
Okay, fine, but we don't have to go around saying "we're best friends".
Okay.
It sounds childish if you say it like that.
"We're best friends", right? As if we were six years old.
-Thanks. -Fine.
I won't say it anymore.
But we are, right?
Disgusting.
Hi? Hello. Owl 72, report on your situation.
Come on, louder, more energy. Lose the hello.
Owl 72, report on your situation.
Owl 72, no activity, who's this?
Hi, I'm Naiara. I'm in the room with Olivares.
Hi, guys. It's her first day.
Hey, Naiara, welcome. This is Agent Alonso.
Agent Campillo. Welcome, rookie.
No, I'm not a rookie. I was transferred.
Surveilling and no activity at the warehouse for three days.
Owl 72 here to inform you of what you want, when you want.
I, I, I.
There seems to be news. Sorry, Naiara,
I'm looking at a suspect. He's armed.
-He's aiming at us. -No!
-No, careful! -Careful, agent down!
-Agent down! -What?
-We need backup! Please, all units! -Owl 72, report...
Guys, grow up.
Sorry. Sorry.
-Sorry, Naiara. -And, Olivares, we're sorry.
So, Naiara seemed nice, right?
No.
-What's wrong? -No.
-You sound like my mom. -You're already going after her.
No, no. Besides, nice Naiaras are in the past.
Now I want wild Naiaras.
-Despicable Naiaras. -You do, huh?
That when you come home from work at 5:00 am she'll say, "Fuck me, daddy.
I'm horny.
Like a pig, without a shower. Cop's smell turns me on like a cat in heat.
Can I cuff you?"
"Is it your gun or are you happy to see me?"
"Do you want to see a good baton?"
-"Can I search your trunk?" -"What about those hindquarters?"
-Right on. -Guys, your radio's on.
Sorry. Sorry, Olivares.
It was a joke. Over and out. Owl 72.
-Are you an asshole? -I hit it with my leg.
It was here and it wasn't on purpose...
You just fucked all my moves on Naiara.
-I'm sorry. -Unbelievable.
Moves on Naiara?
You just heard her voice for the first time. Moves?
Well, I picked up some nonverbal language.
Nonverbal language? Gestures? Through the radio?
You felt her gestures? Are you retarded?
You want to see nonverbal language? Look.
-Learn. -So childish.
What a freak! What are you doing?
It's the other way around.
From this side.
-Like this? -You have so much to learn...
Small amounts of methamphetamine have been found
hidden in coffee capsules from Jalisco.
Several agents are monitoring possible cargo destinations.
Do you know what I do with those who betray me?
I give them a third eye. Here.
Do you like my face?
Because it's the last thing you'll see before you die.
Say hi to death for me.
Look, I'm crying.
I cry because that gives peace to the victims.
Yes, it did give me peace.
Bravo, bravo.
And, depending on the cultural level, I sometimes switch death for Charon.
Wow! Who's Sharon?
I'd use death with you. I adapt to any scenario.
-Your turn. -Me?
-Yes. -No, I'm embarrassed to.
You have to practice.
-Okay. -Come on.
Hey, you! You! Yeah, you!
Don't look at me! Don't look at me!
-How can I see if it's good? -Don't, please. I'll let you know.
-Okay. -Damn it!
I'm going to burn your house down and your fucking family! Look at me!
-Look at me now. -Oh, okay.
Yes. Do you think I'm crazy? Do you like that I'm crazy?
I'm going to kill you and your kids!
And curtain.
I was shitting myself.
-Yeah? Shit! -Yeah, yeah. I mean...
-No, I still have to rehearse a lot. -But it's so mad, because you do...
this crazy eyes thing.
That laugh?
It's from the cute guy on Money Heist.
-Right. -I've seen all the seasons.
So, I practiced a lot.
If I didn't know you, I'd think, "Bony is retarded."
-Thank you so much. -I really would.
-Yeah? Wow. -Just one criticism...
Please.
Too much "fuck, fuck, fuck..." It's too American.
-Yeah. -Do you mind if I pee here?
No.
I really respect the chain of command, you know?
And if they say, "You stay inside until the cargo arrives."
I stay inside until the cargo arrives.
Imagine it does and we're outside taking a leak.
Imagine?
Do you mind singing? I can't pee in this silence.
Look at how the fish Drink in the river...
POLICE STATION
-You have two calls. -Two.
-One, they're breaking into a store. -Breaking in...
The second, a drone is flying over a public street.
A drone...
No, come on. Breaking into a store.
-Okay, breaking in. -Quick, quick.
-Okay, you have two more. -Is the drone illegal?
-What? -Is the drone illegal?
Why?
-I... I have one. -Where?
-At home. -Why is it there?
For barbecues.
-I don't understand. -I have barbecues and fly it up.
-What for? -To film.
I film it and post it to Instagram.
Really?
You use a drone for barbecues,
-to take pictures for Instagram? -No, no.
-Are you kidding me? -Yes.
-Okay, let's prioritize. -Okay.
It's noisy at 9:45 pm,
or touching a police horse.
Horse, okay.
-Noise? -At 9:45 pm?
No?
-Assaulting a police horse. -Of course.
Why?
Because you're assaulting a member of the police force.
-I knew it. -How would you like...
-this? -No, no.
-And this? -No.
Whoa! Would you like it?
-No, I wouldn't. -Prioritize.
-Okay. -Be careful with the drone.
Okay.
I love you.
No, you don't need to say it. I know you do too...
All right.
Good night, honey.
Kisses. See you later.
-My wife. -I know.
-We're not okay. -I know.
Maybe it's weird, but I still say "I love you."
You do, huh?
Do you think it's weird?
Me?
No. Why?
Because of what I told you yesterday.
Yesterday?
-About my new phase. -Oh. No, no, I don't...
I couldn't say...
-I might give her another child. -Well...
Really? Now?
To compensate for all these years.
And also to sweeten up this new phase of mine.
But can you?
Give her a child?
The doubt is offensive. Why wouldn't I be able to?
Didn't you have a vasectomy?
Do I look like I've had a vasectomy?
-No, I haven't. -Yeah, a bit.
I must have dreamed it.
You dream about my vasectomy?
No, I haven't. My pipes are in perfect shape.
And all the little guys can go right through.
The 2% of GDP for Science,
as an orphan, I support fully.
I don't get how a country's GDP is connected to your orphanhood.
Who do you think pays for paternity tests? The state.
How does it work? Did you take a lot?
17, 18...
-To the same father? -No, different men in town.
And do you still have many more to check?
Poof! Half the town.
My mother was very popular.
I see.
I'm sorry. I get so emotional.
-That's fine. -She was such a friendly person.
Literally.
And... do they all agree to take the paternity test?
Yes and if they don't, I rip out a strand of hair.
I once plucked a fingernail off one of them.
I would kill to know my father.
For me it's the other way around,
I kill because I did know mine.
-Really? -Yes.
My father was a hitman before me.
-And what a hitman! -Yeah?
The best. People stop me on the street and say,
"Wow, your father was such a hitman! He was exceptional."
The victims' relatives are like, "Oh, how he killed him!"
I think my father was a better hitman than a person.
And that's all I'll say.
Intelligence reports that a much larger stash of capsules
is expected at the dry port warehouses,
probably for distribution throughout Europe.
It can't be. We exceed our data plan every month.
Yes, of course.
Let's talk tomorrow. Bye.
-Sorry. -Don't worry. Boyfriend or husband?
No, no, it's my son.
-Christian. -Yeah. It makes more sense now.
He's 15. You know, a 15 year old boy,
who grabs my laptop and goes to the bathroom all the time.
-You know what he does. -No.
I know what he does. You don't?
I don't know Christian.
-You can imagine. -Yes.
But I'll tell you this.
It doesn't bother me that he returns it all dirty.
He tries to clean it up with toilet paper, around the keys,
so that it's clean. He's terrible at it.
But I'm a liberal person, okay? It doesn't bother me.
What bothers me is that it's killing his imagination.
-Yeah. -And without imagination, he's done.
I mean, what else is there? You can't go back from that.
Many times... Not many, sometimes,
I go to the bathroom when I know he's inside and say,
"Christian, please, I beg you, use your imagination.
Think about Sara, your classmate.
Or Rebeca, the girl from the gym.
Or Julio," I say, because I don't have any issues.
Do you know what he says? "Mom, go away!
Go away! Leave me alone!"
The only thing I want
is for him to use the power of his imagination, you know?
-Yes. -So...
For example, imagine he came here one day and met you.
-Me? -Yes. You're beautiful.
Then he goes home and into the bathroom.
And he has your image in his head. He's thinking,
-for example, about your lips. -Okay.
-And focuses on that image. -It could be someone else's lips.
No, it would have to be yours. Why?
Because that's what's healthy.
You know? That's what's healthy.
Well, relax, Olivares.
It's actually... more common than you might think.
There are... countless young boys,
in the middle of puberty, who constantly...
watch porn, you know?
And believe that cuming on a woman's face is the only way to make love.
Cuming on a woman's face? I don't understand.
-You know, like... -Okay.
And they...
-Okay! -...tell me.
I don't know how we got here, but I'm completely sure
that these topics shouldn't be discussed in the workplace.
Owl 72, report on your situation. Owl 72.
-Owl 72, no activity. -Copied.
-She seemed a bit tense. -Who? Naiara?
Olivares can be a bit much at the beginning.
She has a long road ahead.
Getting along with your partner is essential.
That's absolutely right.
We're very lucky.
This coffee... Really?
-Or at least I'm happy. -With this dirty water?
Having you as my partner.
Oh, okay, thanks.
Not everyone would have had the same reaction.
-About the unicorn? -No...
I'm looking forward to you taking it because this glitter...
It's huge. Where are you going to put it?
Sometimes, the biggest and most important things
are the ones we least want to see and the hardest to talk about.
Shit.
-Just say it. -What?
I really appreciate your empathy because not everyone
would have had the same reaction... about my new phase.
Everyone can do what they want. That's...
You're the only one who knows.
Okay, but I don't really want to...
It's an image I'd rather erase.
What image?
I mean, I have a lot of friends like that.
-So many? -No, the right amount.
But you wouldn't want the image of your partner...
at it... the whole day...
No, of course not. It's not the worst thing anyway.
No. I mean, Campillo...
No...
-Everything's fine. -Of course.
I haven't thought of you at all.
I think of other kinds of guys. I'm still very new to it all.
Right now it's only about experimenting with my desires.
But I wouldn't think about you... Not at all.
I know both men and women find me attractive.
I might change my mind next week,
I might be happy with my wife and trying to have a baby. Or not.
Or we might separate and I'm clubbing on Ibiza.
I notice the glances.
That's if I'm not hurt on duty.
-My goodness... -That's fucked up.
Not being able to enjoy your body...
When I post on Instagram, come on, it just blows up.
I get all these emojis. Eggplants and all.
What's the eggplant about? Is it an inside joke?
You haven't understood anything.
Hey, did I tell you about the time I peed on Loncha's face?
-No! -Yes.
Tell me.
So, I was at a...
I opened the zipper because I was...
We were in a tent...
We were on a dry plain, in a tent.
So then, yeah, I was like...
I thought I was inside, you know? I was outside, not inside.
It came to a point when I was so drunk
and I was like... Okay, I'm in... out,
and then I peed on him without realizing I was peeing on him.
-Mind blowing. -Yes.
No, it's mind blowing how you destroyed the story.
I'm beginning to get it now. I mean, start, middle, ending.
You spoiled your own story.
You told the ending first.
How would you tell it?
Do you know that Lonchas and I went camping?
One of those beautiful, starry nights,
the perfect temperature, on a dry plain,
we were drinking and drinking. We got so wasted...
So then I thought, "I'll sleep outside.
That's why I'm camping."
To look at the stars.
I fall asleep, and around 3:00 am I need to pee.
I don't remember I'm outside, so I pull the tent's zipper up,
put my dick inside, thinking it was outside,
and I pee on Lonchas' face.
-Incredible! -Yeah, I swear.
That same thing happened to me.
Literally, the same exact thing.
Yeah, I see.
I'm going to the bathroom.
You can pee here if you want. I don't mind.
And take a shit?
Oh, okay. It might smell a bit, yeah.
Owl 72. We have news now for real.
Go ahead, Owl 72.
I see a person walking around the warehouse.
Agent Campillo is getting ready to go out and investigate.
Me? Why me?
It looks like he's hiding something. Go see what it is, please.
-I don't see anything suspicious. -Didn't I go out to get the unicorn?
You said, "Look at that pretty unicorn in the trash."
And I went out. Now it's your turn.
Fuck, man!
-What are you doing? -Why is the window closed?
-Throw it out your own window! -Mine was closed.
-Mine was too! -I'm sorry.
-God! -It'll dry outside with the air.
Watch out. You idiot, he's going to see you.
Watch out.
Get out of there, you idiot.
He has a gun. Gun.