I see a connection.
For many summers,
A blood brotherhood...
With an old white man?
You are warriors
For peace and justice.
Tirelessly, you risk your lives
To defend the defenseless.
I see much good in you,
But secrets as well,
And a shadow on your heart.
You seek answers,
But only the truth can drive the darkness out of your heart.
Your greatest challenge
Still lies ahead of you!
I actually just wanted to know about tomorrow's weather.
MANITOU'S CANOЕ
Are you crazy?
Off the tracks!
What's the matter? Are you deaf?
Ow!
This is my assistant deputy in charge Randy "the Snake" Ratford.
I'm sheriff Robert W. Fitzbury Kane. And this is my reflection.
So, you were on your way to Santa Fe when you were stopped?
-Correct, sir. -What happened next?
It all went so fast. There were two of them.
If you ask me, it wasn't the first time they've done it.
They had dynamite.
Lots of dynamite.
Those scoundrels have been up to no good in this godforsaken place for too long.
Now take a deep breath and exhale.
Oh, I don't like that whistle. Again, but deeper.
Can you describe the men?
They were wearing cowboy and Indian outfits.
One had long, black hair. I think they're related.
-What makes you think that? -Well, they kept saying "my brother."
"My brother" this, "my brother" that.
-Something's mighty rotten. -Oh yes, I see it too.
Tell me, Mr...
-Lucas. -Mr. Lucas.
What happened to the nice boy you used to have with you?
He's studying music.
"This arrow belongs to Abahachi."
That's right!
That's what the one guy kept calling the long-haired one.
That's coming from the yodel pit.
I'm here now.
Me too.
Where exactly?
Right behind you, you prankster!
Ah, there he is.
That's right!
-Greetings. -Greetings.
-My brother. -My brother.
Feels like ages.
Yes. When did we meet last?
-Monday, I think. -Monday.
Look, I brought you something. For our silver blood brother anniversary.
Oh, stop. We said we weren't doing gifts anymore.
Go on, give it a try. I carved it myself.
-It's... -... a change from the harmonica.
-You're shitting me. -Awesome, right?
But don't blow too hard or it might explode.
Don't worry, I'll be careful.
-You broke it! -That wasn't me!
Take cover!
Someone sure doesn't like pan flutes.
-Shit, the horses are gone. -Who is it?
-There are two. -I can't believe it.
It's true. Look!
-Great, there goes another knife. -You're out of bullets.
Because I lent you mine.
-So it's my fault? -I didn't say that.
-You thought it. -Like you would know.
-More than you think. -I'd best not tell you.
-As usual. -Here we go again.
-Then tell me what you're thinking! -I think we're trapped.
-Know what? We'll jump. -No way.
-Why not? -'Cause.
-Better idea? -Not jump.
Fine, I'll go first.
-I'm staying here. -Why are you so stubborn?
I'm not sure what bugs me more, those guys or you.
Three.
Hellas, what's this? Hombres, amigos.
For pavor, the table, la tabla, no rotondo pero cuadrático.
Like a roombath tile.
-Delivery for Dimitri Stoupakis. -One sec!
And the picture doesn't go beside the window kitchen,
But in the VIM-area for the very important malakas.
Is that so hard to understand? Madre de Dios.
Hellas! There she is.
My Ouzodora. Patron saint of schnapps herbs.
-Qué pasa? -Pass that here. She goes inside.
But very mucha carefully. She is very valuable.
Remember, Bobby, it has to be bone as a dry tomorrow.
Jefe, bone as a dry.
Just another happy little accident.
Gosh darn it.
Stop, stop, stop! Señores. What's this?
The bar, un más poco to the back, back.
The gentleman prefers the bar counter to be positioned further back.
Ah!
Of course. Let's go!
-Thank you! -You're welcome.
You're a send-god, but I'm sorry.
We're closed due to renovation. Grand Re-Big-Opening isn't till tomorrow.
-Are you Mr. Stoupakis? -Yes, that's me.
I applied for the job opening.
Ah, then you must be Miss Mary. Wonderful!
You can start right away. I was...
... not expecting this.
Señor, I'm sorry. The woman is messed up.
That's okay. So am I.
They can't be far.
The Rio Grande is 1,885 miles long
And measures 59 feet at its deepest point.
At an average temperature of 60 degrees Fahrenheit
They could survive in the water for 23 days.
Similar to the broad-tailed beaver.
Yes, but sooner or later they'll make a mistake.
What are you doing?
Crazy how much water fits inside you!
You should've told me you can't swim.
I'd like to rest in the sun now.
-We really need to talk more. -Damn it!
If you'd gone to the happy hunting grounds.
-The firing pin is broken. -Then you'd be gone.
I'd still be here and I couldn't tell you anything.
Maybe you'd have liked to ask me some things.
You got a spare pin?
We've got two horses here.
Do you happen to have a spare pin?
Read the Indian chief his rights.
-Who, me? -Please don't say "Indian."
Your tavern is really very cozy.
Thanks, it's already my second restaurant. I've expanded.
If things keep going this well, I'll have to set up a second table.
What should I write?
Open from 11 to 12 a.m., siesta till 6:30 p.m.
-Home orders 30 days in advance. -30 days?
Old Apollo 14 isn't the fastest hinny anymore.
But he does get sulky very quickly.
Ah, the mail.
Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho!
-What happened? -I got robbed again.
Mary, ouzo. Quick!
Mr. Stoupakis.
Newsflash.
"Dachshund Rita Gives Birth to Triplets."
This man left his life for this message.
-Who's the ouzo for? -Order canceled.
-"Does This Mean the Gallows?" -Not for a canceled order.
Please don't leave me this way, Lucy Jane
Together we wanted to get through Sun and rain
It's unbelievable, you see
That you up and walked out on me
How will I manage To work the farm again?
You're a really mean bitch, Lucy Jane
Look ahead, you scum.
I don't get it.
Well, it seems this Lucy Jane...
No, I mean arresting us without saying why.
Oh, that.
You know, it is a while back,
but it might be about the thing in Mexico.
-What? The peace negotiation? -Could be.
Men who smoke the pipe seal their friendship.
Once this pipe is lit, peace will fill your hearts.
My white brother will now light the flame of peace.
Once this pipe is lit, peace will fill your hearts.
Phew.
I mean, no one survived, and you were the organizer.
If you hadn't broken the first match...
Who goes to a peace negotiation with two matches?
-Excuse me, that was your matchbox. -Which was a gift from you.
-Fine, no more gifts for you. -Don't need any.
Just wait till there's nothing under the tree for you.
Could the two of you shut up already?
I have no choice, Miss Mary.
I have to do what a brotherblood has to do.
-Are you sure I shouldn't join you? -It's too dangerous, Mary.
Robber bankers, coyotes everywhere.
Where I'm going, they just recently had a bad mirthquake.
But I want to help.
Fine, the flower daisies need watering every morning.
And put muck in the barn every day.
Don't forget,
if the officer enforcement rings, always holler "I'm not here!"
What's that sound?
The twitter-tweeting of my woodpecker Pepper.
Oh no, noon already.
High noon.
What if you're too late?
Your mule isn't the fastest anymore.
True.
And he has a weak bladder.
Indian!
-His intonation is messy. -I've heard smoother arpeggios.
Abahachi.
The well up ahead, I'll fall in it and hide when we pass by.
Tonight I'll climb out and break you out of jail.
Get ready. I'll count to three.
One.
-Damn it. -Did you just say something?
No.
-The fiddler. -Shh!
-He's playing a new tune. -What?
Okay, the eagle has landed.
-What eagle? -The eagle.
-I still don't get it. -Aw man, Serge.
Come on, Bullet. Serge was in rehab for weeks.
He went out on a limb for us. Show some understanding.
Here, I brought you something.
-Wow, that's... -From Groom Lake City.
Oh.
-It's one of a kind. -Thanks, Little Rock.
-Bye. -Bye.
Why are we meeting in a church?
-It's like Grand Central Station. -It's only temporary.
Till the clubhouse reopens.
Okay, Serge, what part did you not get?
Well, I get that the Apache keeps slipping through our fingers,
but what's that got to do with the sheriff?
Dynamite and Bullet have been pulling off robberies dressed as Abahachi and Ranger.
Till the sheriff started hunting those two idiots.
Now that he has caught them, we know where to find the chief.
-On the gallows. -Which is right out there.
-What? -The gallows.
Okay.
This town only has one main road.
That's how you get in and out.
Main Street leads to Liberty Square.
That's where the chief will be on trial tomorrow.
Bullet will pull the trigger at just the right moment.
-Hey, what about me? -We don't care about the other guy.
Figures.
From there it's easy-peasy.
Abahachi's horse will follow the road
straight towards the city limits, where we'll be waiting behind the tracks.
We grab the guy, drag him to Runny Nose...
where he gets the canoe out of the cave for us.
That's right, Manitou's Canoe.
Bullet.
Who's that guy there?
That's Wolfgang.
Okay, Wolfgang. What are you good at?
I'm an extra.
-He's a what? -An extra. A supe.
Actually, I prefer to consider myself a bit player.
-What do we need him for? -Because there's only six of us.
It has to be seven. The Magnificent Seven, the Seven Dwarfs.
-The seven o'clock news. -Right.
Do we have to split the loot by seven, too?
-Not me. -I don't like that either.
Now listen up, men.
We're a new up-and-coming gang. There's never been anything like us.
But no one's ever heard of us. We have to get established.
It's teeming with gangs out there who all wanted this job,
but the oil baron chose us.
The oil baron, guys!
If we mess this up, we're done.
You can go back to accounting,
you to being an optician, and you can go back to that engine driver.
What a nightmare.
I can't go back to my old job, either. Who'd hire me as a tap dancer now?
Excuse me, what's the name of our gang?
-Yeah, we don't have a name. -Very well.
Everyone come up with three good gang names by tomorrow.
Then we'll draw lots. Any more questions?
Could you repeat that please?
Again please.
Pull your damn bandana down. He can't understand you.
Who the hell cares, we're going to shoot him later anyway.
Ah, now I see.
I hate to disappoint you. There's nothing in this coachstage.
-It's already been robbed. -Nice try, dummy.
Did you hear that, Wilson Santiego?
So what, he knows your name. Relax, will you?
Go see what's in that trunk.
Gentlemen, please, there's no need to shoot me.
I don't work for the mail. How about we introduce ourselves?
I'm Dimitri Stoupakis, 45 years old. My sign zodiac is Virgo.
At my tavern, I serve juicy meat lamb with peas chick,
and ouzo, of course.
Tomorrow is my Grand Re-Big-Opening. I have a surprise.
See? Here. You are cordially invited.
Are we there?
Thank you, Miss Mary, for not listening to me.
If you hadn't come, I'd be dead as a mousedoor
and my friends would be doomed.
Well, I had a feeling you might need me.
Yes, one should listen to one's feelings more often.
Yes, I agree.
Do you believe in deprestination?
Um... I believe we ought to hurry up a little.
-How much farther is it? -We'll arrive when it dawns on the day.
Ah. If we take turns, we might get there faster.
-Have you ever... -I've driven everything.
Trains, steamboats, Ferris wheels.
Despite having two left hands.
-You know what? -Hm?
Let me do it, okay?
One last meal for you.
Did he just say last meal?
Yes, that's just a figure of speech.
This might be our last supper.
Well, it's not bad.
-Do you always tell me the truth? -Sure. Want to try? Senior meal.
No, I mean, do you always tell me everything?
Of course I do. Why?
Ranger, as blood brothers, you always tell each other the truth.
There can't be any secrets.
What's the matter with you?
There's something I need to say before we... tomorrow.
Now you're being overly pessimistic.
I mean, we've survived much worse.
Remember Kingston River?
Kingston? Kingston... Help me out.
-We got lost in Iroquois territory. -Yes.
300 warriors on the left bank, cavalry on the right, us in the middle.
-In swim trunks. -But we made it out of there.
And why?
-Yeah, but... -You know why.
-I do, but... -Because?
Because we're so absolutely awesome
And hardly ever argue
At seven we're up and at 'em
Riding two by two
Because we're so absolutely awesome
-Sure... -We're not done yet.
-Yeah, but... -No buts, come on.
Because we're so absolutely awesome
And our manners are glorious
Every day we grow and blossom
What could ever happen to us?
Because we're so absolutely awesome
Yes...
Look, they have nothing on us.
We just won't let them provoke us.
Mm-hmm.
We'll stay objective, reasonable and completely calm.
-You must be out of your damn minds! -Ranger, please.
Over here. Smile, please.
Shut your face!
-He doesn't mean it like that. -Yes, I do.
-He didn't sleep too well last night. -Yes, I did!
-What kind of trial is this? -A speedy one!
The charges are: murder,
arson, robbery of trains,
casinos, banks, postal services, retirement homes
and a traveling circus.
-Traveling what? -Plundering of church properties.
And chicken theft.
And that grandparent scam.
That's right!
Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Abahachi's face is filled with questions and dismay.
Please don't.
Dark clouds roll in over the town
where the white man can sometimes be mistaken.
Everyone makes mistakes. This one would be a doozy.
What he's saying is, you dopes got the wrong guys!
We have nothing to do with any of that hogwash.
-You don't even have proof. -You want proof?
This arrow, for example.
A common weapon.
Available in any well-stocked gun and souvenir shop.
Nothing unusual there.
It is, however, remarkable, that this type of arrow
was recovered at 27 different crime scenes.
What's that prove? He's not the only Indian who uses a bow and arrow.
-Please don't say "Indian." -Bows and arrows are very popular.
-Great job, Pepper. -The Romans.
Even Robin Hood used bow and arrow.
Is that so?
But does every arrow have an inscription?
I quote:
"This arrow belongs to Abahachi."
I can't wait to hear your explanation for this!
-The peace pipe. -What?
In Mexico. It must have happened there.
Someone stole my arrows.
-By virtue of the powers... -In the valley...
-By virtue... -At the peace negotiation.
Let him finish.
By virtue of the powers vested in me by law, I sentence Aba...
Ellohay, veroayerehay!
Etgay ourselvesyay eadyray!
Atwhay areway ouyay oingday erehay?
Dimitri will shoot off your nooses soon!
Atwhay?
We'll meet at our old hiding place.
Understood?
Abahachi, Hold on tight, we're taking a trip.
Now, where was I? Oh, yes.
By virtue of the powers vested in me by law,
I sentence Abahachi and Ranger
to death by hanging.
-Wha... -Hey, what about me?
"Hellas Fellas."
This is it, men.
-Shit, it's both of them. -So?
I only brought one sack.
Excuse me, when exactly do I get my own horse?
-What? -Shh.
-Daddy. -Mary!
-Daddy? -My Mary.
-Abahachi! -Bless you.
Dimi.
-Omecay erehay. -Oh.
I missed you so much.
Look, I brought you something.
From the duty-free shop.
-Shampoo. -Green apple.
He's never brought me shampoo.
Yes, this is our secret spot.
We used to play hide and seek here.
Are there more nieces and nephews that I haven't met?
Daddy hid inside the well every time.
Typically Daddy.
-As your blood brother, I am her uncle. -You're what?
-Who's the mother? -That was before we met.
This is the best soup bean I've ever eaten.
-It is? -Oh, yes.
Daddy always said I can't cook.
Daddy's crazy.
He thought I wouldn't notice
that he secretly chucked my food in flowerpots.
What a dog-lucky flowerpot.
Well, who wants seconds?
I'll have a big helping second. I'm eating-horse hungry.
Certainly.
I always wrote Daddy letters, but they never seemed to reach him.
Yeah, it's not easy...
-I'm always on the go with him. -Oh, with "him."
And then, after years, I got this post card from him
with Dimitri's Tavern's address.
Then I finally knew where to find my Daddy.
-Remember what you wrote? -No.
But right now I don't think that's...
"My dear daughter,
How are you? I am fine.
Yesterday, we went for a walk and I found a boletus.
Love, Your Dad.
PS:
The weather's nice."
-So beautiful. -Isn't it?
And it's such a pleasure to finally meet you.
I've never met a real Indian before.
What's wrong?
Hey.
What is it?
Sorry.
I'd rather be alone right now.
I know I should have stuck to the truth.
Of course it was you who found the boletus.
That's not what's bothering me.
What is?
-The beans. -Ah.
Miss Mary, this has to go on our menu.
Here you are.
-What was that? -Cavalry, I'd say.
But have no fear, they're on our side.
-Ah. -Jámas.
Jámas, Mr. Stoupakis.
Oh, "Mr."! Call me Dimi.
-Dimi. -Mary.
Say, what's your sign zodiac?
Uh... I think I'm a...
Wait. Don't tell me.
Let's look at the stars.
Ah. Do you see that?
Next to the Way Milky, where the stars are shooting?
Looks like a... Greek goddess.
She has gorgeous long hair.
Her eyes are a sparkling green, like the sea of Mykonos.
And she has a cute nose button.
And if you look very closely,
You can see a heart-shaped markbirth
On the inside of her ear outer.
You're right.
Even if the stars align
So that you find true love
That lasts you a lifetime
My father always said to me,
"Here's my advice, dear Mary And it's for free
If you want to be happy in life
Don't get a handsome man He'll bring you strife
If he's no Adonis, well, alas
You'd best pick a man of middle class
Here I am!
I don't want stress in my life,
There's only one that I want as wife
She needs no title of nobility,
If she's average, she's the one for me.
We're taking them all.
-Some hideout this is. -How did they find us?
That crooning was hard to overhear.
-Move it, sweetie. -It's Lady Mary to you, malaka.
-Quiet, seahorse. -Something smells like green apples.
-Why are you looking at me? -In the coach with them.
Wait. Hands off.
I'm not getting in till I know who we're dealing with.
Too bad our gang doesn't have a name yet.
Bummer.
Yeah right, we were going to draw lots yesterday.
-Do we have to do this now, guys? -Well, she won't get in otherwise.
Well, I'm super curious now myself.
Oh, yes.
Our gang's name is...
The Seven Young Goats.
You happy now?
-Fine by me. -Get changed. Let's move!
-Randy. -I'm over here, sheriff.
I'm going to take a look around. Meanwhile, you check out the tavern.
Cool.
You wonder why you're sitting here.
We're looking for a sniper who's been roving around this area.
And we have reason to believe the culprit
Has something to do with this establishment.
So I'm asking you this,
Who is the man in this picture?
Don't feel like talking? Fine.
You give me no choice.
What... Here...
Ow, shit!
Excuse me, miss.
If you do remember that man's name,
Contact the sheriff's office.
Thanks for your cooperation.
So, how'd it go, sheriff?
I couldn't get a sensible answer when I asked if I could get a beer.
The woman with the hat...
Her right thumb is larger than her left pinky.
That's from hard manual labor.
The painter.
His left canine tooth has a small chip in it.
Probably from hard bread.
Did you get a good look at his paintbrush?
Yes.
The bristles are clearly from a Cuban honey badger.
"Rumba Ranch.
Dancing and Fencing."
Honestly, deputy, you look good in everything.
This is already my third gang.
But the others didn't go on such nice outings.
A very scenic route.
Here, pick a card.
-What? -Go on, pick a card.
-Okay... -Don't tell me. Just remember it, okay?
Right, now it goes back in the deck.
-Seven of spades. -No.
-Ace of diamonds. -No.
-King of clubs. -No.
Dimi. Can you reach my left rear skirt pocket?
-I have a really bad feeling about this. -So do I.
-Did you...? -Yes.
-King of diamonds. -No.
-Ace of spades. -No.
-Ace of clubs. -No.
This heart will always protect you, no matter what happens.
Have no fear, Mary. I won't let anything happen to you.
I know this area. We're going to the Lake of No Return.
They're headed for Runny Nose.
As long as we're tied together, no one can separate us.
Hurry up, men. We have two hours, tops.
And you two swim over there and get the canoe out of the cave.
-What canoe? -Why should we do that?
Because your father hid it.
-All your hiding drives me nuts. -Can we discuss it later?
Be back with the canoe. by when the sun vanishes behind the cliff.
If not, we'll have to sink the two lovebirds.
-Good luck. No one's ever succeeded. -Serge was close.
My French just wasn't good enough.
-Why French? -You need to know French?
-Well, I don't know any French. Do you? -Not a word.
-C'est la vie. -Yeah, real pity. René va plus.
-Yeah, okay. -No way!
-We can forget it now. -And now?
Maybe I can help.
I punched tickets at Moulin Rouge for four years.
Ah!
Wait, we still can't because... I mean...
-He can't swim. -Non-swimmer.
-Unfortunately. -Unfortunately.
Good thing I came up with the paddleboat idea.
Hi, I'm Wolfgang.
I was left once, too.
Sausage?
Bonjour.
Do you know this man?
One, two, three, four.
Left, right, cha-cha-cha. Cucaracha, cha-cha-cha.
Left, right, cha-cha-cha.
Backwards, forwards, swing your hips,
One, two, three, cha-cha-cha.
-Randy? -I'm over here, sheriff.
Cucaracha, cha-cha-cha.
Forwards, backwards, rock step, cha-cha-cha
Hey, what the...?
-Are you... -Yes, dances with Mrs. Wolf.
And she does not wish to be disturbed.
-That's him. -Ain't no escaping the gallows this time.
Oh, you probably mean my brother.
Just a moment, Mrs. Wolf. What did he do this time?
They used to mix us up all the time in school.
I went to French class for him,
And he skipped P.E. for me in return.
He was always good otherwise. He's no train robber.
He sets up donation boxes and helps old folks cross train tracks.
-You're on the wrong trail here. -Who's this?
That's Uschi, my BFF. A big star on Broadway these days.
That's her son Tommy next to her. He invented the lightbulb.
Do you even know what that is, a lightbulb?
He's the reigning cha-cha-cha champ and winner of the golden rumba pin.
Careful, don't smudge that. No smoking in here.
When did you last see your brother?
It's been a while. He usually brings me his laundry every four weeks.
He could be cruising around anywhere.
Does it feel like we're going in circles to you guys, too?
How would I know, I can't see a thing.
"Danger de mort. Les enfants sont sous la responsabilité des parents."
What?
"Risk of death. Parents are liable for their children."
Well, I'm just an uncle.
Perhaps uncle Abahachi would care to explain
Why a canoe needs to be hidden.
Because everyone kept fighting over it.
Aha, and why is that?
-Because it makes you immortal. -It what?
It makes you immortal if you cross the lake in it.
And if you destroy it, you die.
-Says who? -Well, the legend.
-The legend says... -What baloney!
Why baloney?
Abahachi, who actually believes such nonsense?
Nonsense, huh? But believing in Saint Rick isn't nonsense.
-It's Saint Nick. -The one who goes down chimneys?
-No, that's Santa Claus. -Daddy, never mind.
This isn't getting us anywhere.
Did your father give you clues on how to find the canoe?
-Yeah. -And?
-And what? -Can you remember?
No.
But I think that's the entrance.
-It's Serge's turn. Go on. -Can't wait, huh?
No putting spin on it.
Right...
I'll pick a card for you now.
Don't tell me, just remember.
The card goes back in the deck. I'll close my eyes.
I'm cold.
Okay. How about I make a little campfire, hm?
-We agreed not smashing at Serge. -It's okay, you can smash it.
-I want to be treated like everyone else. -See?
MIND YOUR HEAD!
My father always said, "Learn French, you'll need it someday."
Yeah, too bad.
This is what I get for skipping class.
You and Dimi, is that something serious?
-Why? -I don't mind him.
He's a nice guy.
I'd have a beer with him anytime.
It's just that I would've had something else in mind for you.
Wait. Someone's sitting there.
A lawyer or maybe a doctor.
Looks more like a Scotsman to me.
You know, as a father I just have my thoughts...
Look, a leg.
Mm-hmm.
Can you read it?
"Attention à la guillotine. Tournez à droite, pas à gauche."
Beware of the guillotine. Turn right, not left.
That was Serge's mistake.
-Turn the hourglass... -Okay.
Turn the hourglass, but...
Not, not, not, not...
Not too soon!
Ah!
It can be over just like that.
-What stupid instructions. -She said "not too soon."
-But too late! -"The aim is..."
We're running out of time, you prankster.
-Always so impatient! -Always?
-"... to knock the cans..." -Think first.
Immediate danger calls for immediate action.
-"... with one throw..." -With one throw, you heard it.
I don't need instructions for something so easy.
"But careful...
One can must remain standing."
-You did it again. -What?
-Sorry. -The doors are closing.
-Why do you have to get all upset? -I'm not upset.
Not at all. I'm calm as a can be.
Am I upset? I wouldn't say I'm getting upset.
-I'm just... -Don't say it.
-Just... -Don't say it.
-Don't say it! -Dissatisfied with the overall situation.
Whew!
Luckily we got a foot in the door.
You have to have the idea first. Well, I've always been ahead of my time.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I used to own a beauty farm, then I bred alpacas in Machu Picchu.
But the constant spitting was so annoying.
Now I run this school for dancing and fencing, the Rosa Rumba Ranch.
Fancy dancing and fencing. Learn from the best.
I offer salsa, paso doble and samba.
Most people are crazy about slow fox. Which happens to be my stage name.
Don't you like your Dirty Dancing Sunrise?
Back to your twin brother.
Don't hollow out your back, Mrs. Wolf.
Does your brother have enemies?
-Signaux de fumée! -Did you hear that? Smoke signals.
Don't panic. I'm on my way.
What the hell is that?
Could be an I, or maybe a pivot hinge.
-Or a shower. -It's a runny nose.
Apologies, gentlemen, but fencing class is cancelled today.
-No. -Yes.
-Oh. -Jacqueline!
Swing those hooves. It's go-time.
I'll just slip into something more appropriate.
Mrs. Wolf, we have an emergency.
Excuse me, is there any soup left?
-What? -Soup.
You're only asking me that because I'm a woman.
If I was a man, you wouldn't have asked that.
-Well, I... -Just like my ex.
Never thought I could do anything. But this, I did this all by myself.
This gang was my idea. I landed this gig.
So never ask me for soup again!
Okay.
-Sorry, no more soup. -Too bad. What about gyros?
I'll go ask.
Are you kidding me?
It's a dead end.
Miss the note in attempts three,
The price you'll pay...
Your life will be.
What note?
That's a C.
I know it. We played it all the time as kids.
- Winnetouch taught me. -I don't know it.
But you can read notes.
Sure, but, not this many all at once.
But we need two to play it.
That was the first wrong note. Two more and we're history.
You can call the operator For the Superperforator
Killing is our habit Makes you wiggle like a rabbit
But before you die, my dear Have a final glass of beer
And before the break of dawn We'll have you back where you...
Shit.
You don't have to wait for later Here's a new eliminator
Ask your local weapon's trader For the Superperforator
Stress? Just cool it! Here's a special bullet
Put it in the magazine Boom-ba-bang into your...
-But this time, you missed the note. -No, I was right on the C.
-No, the bass was off. -You were on C sharp.
-What C sharp? -There is no C sharp.
Hear that? There was no C sharp.
Wait.
You didn't hit a wrong note.
Manitou's canoe.
Only a real Apache will pass the test.
Good thing we brought one.
It says... what?
Only a real Apache will pass the test.
It's all over, Ranger.
We're finished.
-What are you saying? -But we've nearly done it.
I'm so sorry.
Abahachi, the canoe's right there.
You're an Apache. Where's the problem?
It happened three summers ago.
I was renovating our old vacation wigwam.
When a book fell into my hands.
It was the diary of a young woman.
She had met a man.
A prince from a faraway kingdom.
He was on a wellness retreat in Europe.
The two of them fell madly in love.
The prince could not return to his homeland.
The young lady wanted to spend the rest of her life with him too.
So the loving couple crossed the Great Water to our country.
They joined a wagon train,
Hoping to start a new life together in the American West.
But they never made it there.
Ruthless white men ambushed the wagon train and raided the settlers.
We'll blame it on the Shoshone.
And now hit the showers. It's Sunday.
Santa Maria.
Two Apache scouts spotted the dark clouds in the sky.
Only the young woman and her midwife could still be rescued.
They were brought to safety and found a new home with the Apache.
Shortly after, the young woman gave birth to two healthy babies.
As the great chief of the Apache had an even bigger heart,
He adopted the half-orphans. He named them Jean-Claude and René.
But once the boys learned to speak, they changed their names.
Since then, they've been known as Winnetouch and Abahachi.
-So then you're not a real... -Please don't say it.
No wonder you inscribe your arrows.
But we can't give up now. What will become of Dimitri?
That's right. So what if you're not a real...
Instead, you're a... prince.
-I'm a what? -Well, a half-blood prince.
And I'm your half-blood prince blood brother.
I'm totally confused about who or what I am.
Wait a minute.
It doesn't actually say "real" Apache.
It says "true" Apache.
I always mixed that up in school, too.
Yes. Exactly!
Now that's entirely different.
What?
Well, it means that you don't have to be a real Apache for this.
Nope, "true" is much better.
It's all a matter of how you look at it.
Abahachi.
I believe in you.
Because we're so absolutely awesome.
My brother.
-My brother. -My uncle.
-What now? -Is the water level rising?
Shit. Get in!
And now? I mean, where's the way out?
-Hm. Good question. -But we're safe.
We're immortal in the canoe, right?
Right?
I don't think that's till you're out on the lake.
Good heavens! Who comes up with these rules?
Time's up, boss.
Damn it, they ain't coming back.
The oil baron won't like this, will he?
Abort. Pack everything up, quick.
We need to be gone before the baron shows up.
What about him? He'll blow the whistle on us.
Don't worry. I don't even know how to whistle.
-Get rid of him. -Mm-hmm.
Too bad. Guess I'll say my goodbyes to you then.
I had a really nice time. I hope you enjoyed it, too.
Bye.
All set.
Maybe there's a way to let the water out.
I can't see a plug anywhere.
-"Demi-tour." -What?
Please turn over.
Of course, that's it.
One, two and three!
We imagined it differently too.
I said the plan was stupid from the start.
So high! I've never been pushed off anything higher than a three-meter board.
Ought to hold.
What's that?
He sure had some neat ideas, your adoptive father.
His favorite hobbies were scavenger hunts and building stuff.
I always had to play that pot game with Daddy.
-I think this is the wrong way. -But we came from there.
-Hellas! -Dimi!
-Mary. -My pie honey.
Hey, pie honey, which way to shore?
Pocus-hocus. Follow me!
Now we're in trouble, aren't we?
Okay, men, we all need to stick together now.
Straight to hell
So, where is it?
-What? -The canoe.
Oh, right. The canoe.
The canoe is... Well, it's...
How should I put it?
-You don't have it. -I wouldn't say that.
We think it's kind of like the Holy Grail.
Everyone's always looking for it, but it probably doesn't exist.
-What grail? -The Savior's cup. I already have it.
Don't you want to move in together first?
Ranger, butt out. They're adults.
-If that's how they feel... -Don't you get started, too.
-Dad, it's all planned. -There it is.
We have our children's names.
The Good, the Bad und the Ugly.
This can't be!
Santa Maria.
Ahoy, Captain Abahachi.
How did he survive? He sank into a quagmire.
Oh look, I can stand up.
-Santa Maria is the oil malaka. -Load it up.
-That's right, load it up. -One, two, three, heave-ho!
-Wait, you can't take that. -Oh, I can.
Straight to market.
Every tribe knows you're a swindler.
Not the Comanche. They're trading an oil field for the little boat.
Keep the change.
Oh, time to catch my train.
I'm opening my first gas station today.
I have this idea involving gas pumps.
Dispose of them.
Damn, it's Pink Zorro.
-I saw your smoke signals. -That was my idea!
-Who's that? -Winnetouch?
-His twin. -Another uncle.
Mesdames et messieurs.
The eye of the law.
Nobody move. My deputy has a nervous finger.
I'm over here.
Tell me, is your brother with the police now?
Guys, what's up with you? We're a gang!
Yeah, we're the Seven Young Goats!
-Voilà! -The kid's a natural.
Ah! Shit.
What a gang of little rascals you are.
That would've been a good name for us.
Sheriff, does this arrow look familiar to you?
Does anyone have something to say in their defense?
We'd best stay here.
Ah...
Me no' gang.
88?
¿ON
Uh, 563 no mea'?
What, what...
Don't know what.
-That's a delivery guy. -All right, he can go.
About your eyesight. I'm an optician, that's fixable.
-Oh, really? -I'm a tap dancer.
Tap dancer? He can work for me.
From the looks of it, he could use another leg to stand on.
This is just a summer job during semester break.
We could volunteer as state witnesses.
-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah, yeah.
Two state witnesses, not bad. Four eyes see more than three.
I'm an extra.
That must be the dumbest excuse I ever heard.
You're arrested, you scum.
-Very good, sheriff. -I'm deputy, bonehead.
That's right.
Go on, in with you.
Is there a problem?
Well...
There's someone who misses you a lot.
If I get you out of this,
Will you come home, Lucy Jane?
To our little house on the prairie?
I'd rather go to prison.
Here, pick a card.
Don't tell me, just remember.
Back in the deck.
Quick shuffle.
Please leave the light on
Light on
Jack of hearts?
Don't you dare lay a hand
-Yes. -Before I'm oiled, you understand
You can come out now.
Where's the coach?
Where's Santa Maria?
Where's Abahachi?
We have company.
Faster!
He won't cause us any more trouble.
Um, am I European?
Yes.
-Italian? -Yes.
Am I a member of the mafia?
Not sure about that.
Have I ever shot anyone?
Suppose so.
Those are getting faster all the time.
Whoa!
Make sure the Comanche get the canoe,
And Abahachi gets buried.
Damn, damn it!
Whoa! Whoa!
-What the hell? -Dead end.
I think I'm having déjà-vu.
Over here! On your right!
Your other right!
-Jump on my horse. Jump! -What?
-The tracks end up ahead. -What?
Hey, Mr. Lucas! Wake up!
Here!
Up ahead!
Everyone off!
For the last time, get out of there right now!
End of the line.
I'll toast to you with that when we're done here.
Rather bitter at the finish.
Abahachi.
Now I've lost him.
My brother.
Look what I found. Our treasure from Manitou's Shoe.
-Are you nuts? -No, it really is.
You can't scare me like that, you prankster!
Oh, what is it?
-I really thought you were... -Nah.
We said we'd grow old together.
Abahachi. We are old.
Yeah. Crazy, right?
You may now kiss.
The buffet is... courtesy of my father-in-law.
What, who?
All together now, "tzatziki"!
Tzatziki!
Camera out, cake in.
And Serge, action!
That boy sure is clever
He's got an average wife!
She's well-served
With an average husband!
Two short months later Winnetouch und Serge
Won the Samba World Cup during their honeymoon
On the Copacabana.
But that wasn't the only surprise.
-First one's hitched. -What do you mean first?
Mary und Dimitri made Ranger a grandfather.
He took his 11 grandchildren and started the FC Hellas Angels soccer team.
Abahachi, however, had the hardest road to travel.
The path of truth was inevitable.
Abahachi knew this day would come.
And so he did what his heart bade him.
He faced his destiny.
You're probably wondering why I asked you here on Sunday afternoon.
The trembling poplar has changed colors three times already.
That's how long my conscience has been tormenting me.
The thing is...
Uh, I know...
To be precise...
-Just say it. -Yes.
Anyway, I have...
I mean, I am...
-He's adopted. -Are you insane?
Abahachi, say it.
Just say what you feel.
You are my family.
Even as a little boy I dreamt of becoming a great Apache chief.
For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be like you.
But I also felt that I was different somehow.
Today I know that my life was a lie.
Although my heart tells me where I belong,
I am not sure I'm worthy, of being one of you.
Everyone here has known this
Ever since you were born.
None of us ever mentioned it to you.
We did not want to not hurt your feelings.
You are our chief,
And we all want you to stay our chief.
Here, no one is judged by their origin.
We all stand behind you.
It is said
That a true Apache is an Apache at heart.
Thank you.
All is well.
All is well, and shall it remain so!
For the first time in their lives, and for a brief moment,
Abahachi and Ranger were satisfied with the overall situation.
-Must say, I do feel relieved now. -You're back to your old self again.
You bet.
What'll we do with the treasure? We could treat ourselves to some time off.
-Time off? -Yeah, we could ride off on a vacation.
To Wyoming for some fly fishing.
-That's not allowed. -Why not?
A treasure can't be traded for a vacation.
Besides, we have to fix the canoe.
-And then? -Hide it.
No, not again.
Here we go!
-So it's my fault? -I didn't say that.
-You thought it. -Like you'd know.
I know more, uh... about what you think than you...
-I'd best not tell you what I think. -I know more ... uh, what?
-I'd best not tell you what I think. -Wait.
The flower daisies need to be eaten...
-Not eaten. -... watered. Shit!
-No, not Overhachi ... Overhachi? Overhachi.
No, he'd never do that. Abahachi, he ...
No, he'd never do anything like that. Shit.
So, how'd it go, sheriff?
How'd it go, sheriff?
What is it with this?
So? How'd it go, sheriff?
Did he just say "senior meal"?
I'm over here.
What did he say? Last meal!
Shit.
Yes, and it's not bad at that.
Okay, I'm ready now.
-Did he just say "senior meal"? -Yes, and it's not bad at that.
-Qué pasa? -Pass that here.
The statue goes inside. But very...
What's wrong with the Greek? Messing up his lines. Why?
Not enough ouzo. It's in there. But for later. Again, please. Shit.
Ah...
Sorry. Sorry.
Eellway eetmay aygaylay... Gatorade..
Eelway eetmay...
If you do remember the name of the man in the picture,
You can either send one of these letters or maybe a...
Bing, bing.
Oh, now I'm making the "bing" sound. Dummy!
That was so good. "Bing, bing. I know this."
Oh, yeah.
A very small extra.
Did you get a good look... at...
Jiminy cricket.
Did you get a good look at his paintbrush?
Because we're so absolutely awesome.
-Because we're so absolutely awesome -That's right!
And we hardly ever argue
At seven we're up and at 'em
And hardly ever wasted, too
Because we're so absolutely awesome
Now we only eat vegan
Because it goes down so easy
It's even better than the nineties
Cool cork sandals, feel-good socks
Oat milk in the fair-trade café
I snack granola bars on my e-bike
Greet everyone I see Hello! Hey there!
Then I go and stand in line At the latest Insta-hyped café
They're serving free treats today
I take a selfie with the barista
He's not very pretty But totally cliché
Because we're so absolutely awesome
And we hardly ever argue
At seven we're up and at 'em
And hardly ever wasted, too
Because we're so absolutely awesome
Now we only eat vegan
Except wurstbrat!
Because it goes down so easy
It's even better than the nineties
Out at eleven a.m. for Pilates
I've got time, it's just home office
And in the afternoon I'm off to the organic-beer bar
Organic beer makes you feel fuzzy
And in the evening I'll be chilling with my BFFs
Today was really super busy
And if you think "How do they do it?"
Sit tight and listen what I say
Because we're so absolutely awesome
And we hardly ever argue
At seven we're up and at 'em
And hardly ever wasted, too
Because we're so absolutely awesome
Now we only eat vegan
Because it goes down so easy
It's even better than the nineties
Because we're so absolutely awesome
And we hardly ever argue
At seven we're up and at 'em
And hardly ever wasted, too
Because we're so absolutely awesome
Now we only eat vegan
Because it goes down so easy
It's even better than the nineties
Absolutely awesome.
Ah, absolutely awesome.
Absolutely awesome.
I slip real nicely out of my silken shirt
It sails lightly to the ground
Couple of splashes organic jojoba oil
Feels real slick on my clean skin
And when you slide around on me tonight
I'll be your slippery man all right
Please leave the light on
Don't start turning me on
Don't you dare to lay a hand
Before I'm oiled, you understand
I know it sounds a little funny
My skin needs care
Before I lay down
I rub oil all over my body
Give me more, on the sides, too
This is far from over
My baby said she's coming too
She wants things to go really smooth
And when you slide around on me tonight
I'll be your slippery man all right
Please leave the light on
Don't start turning me on
Don't you dare lay a hand
Before I'm oiled, you understand
I know it sounds a little funny
My skin needs care
Before I lay down
I rub oil all over my body
-Light on -Please leave the light on
-Light on -Don't start turning me on
-Light on -Don't you dare lay a hand
Before I'm oiled, you understand
-Funny -I know it sounds a little funny
-Care -My skin needs care
Lay down
I rub oil all over my body
Light on
Nicolai Produktion 2025 Subtitles: Patty, N. Fritz