1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,960
MUFFLED SHOUTING

2
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:05,960
Is she dancing?

3
00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:07,960
In what world
does that look like dancing?

4
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,960
Thrash metal?
Interpretive dance.

5
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,960
It's all in the arms.

6
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:14,000
I had a brief spell at ballet school
when I was nine.

7
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,960
So, is she getting binned?
Nah, Danni's doing the binning.

8
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:19,800
What is she binning?
Jack, her fiance.

9
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:20,960
The day before the big day.

10
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:22,960
Whew!
So the wedding's off?

11
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:25,960
But I was gonna wear a hat.
A helmet doesn't count, mate.

12
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,160
What did he do?
Oh, it's not for us to say.

13
00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:30,960
He sent dick pics.
Afia!

14
00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:32,960
Is that bad?
To her mum.

15
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:34,960
She was basically engaged
to a cyber-flasher.

16
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,000
Which is two years minimum.

17
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,960
Should we do something?

18
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:40,960
Mm.

19
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:43,960
It looks like she's got it
out of her system. Mm.

20
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,000
THEY GASP

21
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,320
Or maybe not.

22
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,320
What are you doing, Bob?
I'm giving this to Melanie.

23
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,960
Well, she's not there.
Well, where is she?

24
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:14,960
Up my back bottom!
How the hell should I know?

25
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:17,800
What am I meant to do with this?
Well, just leave it for her.

26
00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:19,320
She... She always takes it from me

27
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:23,320
and then gives me a chocolate finger
to have with my morning coffee.

28
00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:24,960
Jesus, she's probably
just on the loo.

29
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,960
She lets me know
when she's leaving her desk.

30
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,960
Maybe she's hiding from you.

31
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,480
Well, why...
why would she hide from me?

32
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:31,960
Why wouldn't she? I wish I could.

33
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:34,960
HE SIGHS
Melanie.

34
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,960
M-Melanie.

35
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,960
Ah, good, Sir. I just wanted to have
quick word with you about tomorrow.

36
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,320
Ah, yes.

37
00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:44,960
Getting the Venetian crystal
chandeliers fitted, hm!

38
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:45,960
Exciting times.

39
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,960
Yeah, no, no. About a rendezvous.

40
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,160
Rendezvous?
I'm a married man, Julie.

41
00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:53,960
No, with Paul Huggins.
Oh! Oh, good for you.

42
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:57,960
Don't put out on the first date,
unless he buys you pudding.

43
00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,960
HE LAUGHS,
JULIE STRAINS

44
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,480
Oh! Melanie, Melanie,
thank God you're here.

45
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:04,960
JULIE SIGHS
He just can't live without you.

46
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,960
Cunningham?
No, Bob.

47
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,960
He goes all limp when
you're not there to wipe his arse.

48
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,960
He's a useless lump of jelly.
More so than usual, I mean.

49
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,960
Just sort it out, for fuck's sake.

50
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:19,960
Well, yes. I will be
the ice cream for that jelly.

51
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,960
CONNOR SIGHS
I'm sorry, I heard.

52
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:33,320
Great, now everyone knows that my
fiance sent his penis to my mother.

53
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,960
Well, I didn't hear that.

54
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,480
My fiance, he...
Ex-fiance.

55
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:38,960
You're loving this, aren't you?

56
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,960
No, I'm not.
You've always been, like, anti-Jack.

57
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,960
Who's Aunty Jack?

58
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:45,960
It's just one big joke to you,
isn't it?

59
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,160
But for me, it's the end of my life
as we know it.

60
00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,960
Come on.

61
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:51,960
It'll be all right, you know.

62
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,960
What's the punch line?
There is no punch line.

63
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,960
I don't feel right about this.
With what?

64
00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,960
With you being so straight.

65
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,960
Look, just cos I've got my arm
round you, doesn't mean I'm not gay.

66
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,960
Are you gay?
I don't think so.

67
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,640
But that's not
what this arm's about.

68
00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:09,960
This is a... a consoling arm.
Consoling arm?

69
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,960
Yeah. Do you feel,
like, consoled at all?

70
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:14,960
A bit.
Well, there you go.

71
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:20,960
Well, the wedding's paid for now.
I won't get any refunds.

72
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,960
Nightmare.

73
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:26,480
Unless...
could you find another fiance?

74
00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,960
Another fiance?
Yeah, could you find another one?

75
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,800
A fiance?
Yeah.

76
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:33,960
Takes ages.
Does it?

77
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,960
Wouldn't know.
Well, it does.

78
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:40,960
SHE SNIFFS

79
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,960
Nah, it's fine.

80
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:45,960
That's fine.

81
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,960
BOB MUMBLES
I'm here, Sir. Always here.

82
00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:55,960
Melanie, it's... Melanie!

83
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,960
Sir. Erm, the DNA results
you asked for.

84
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:00,960
Right, well, thank you, Melanie.

85
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,960
EXHALES SHARPLY
It's negative.

86
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,640
HIGH-PITCHED: Negative.

87
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,960
No, no, no!

88
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,960
No, no, no!
What is it? What is it?

89
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,960
What's the matter?
No. It's no, no. No, no.

90
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,960
I-It's, erm...
I just can't really...

91
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:31,000
I can't really explain
what I'm feeling.

92
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,960
But it's just...

93
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:34,000
Well, you don't need to, Sir.

94
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:37,640
I know I've been AWOL for a while,
but it was a mere trifle.

95
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:38,960
He's an oaf.

96
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:42,960
Just really, really wanted
to have a child.

97
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:46,960
A child? An actual child?

98
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,800
Well, I've only had a whisper
of the perimenopause.

99
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:50,960
Erm, I'll google. I'll google.

100
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,320
HE GRUMBLES

101
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:54,960
HE BREATHES DEEPLY

102
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,960
Hmm.

103
00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,960
CHATTER
Oh...

104
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,320
BOB EXHALES

105
00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:03,960
That's how bad it is.

106
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:06,960
Do you have the test results
back, Sir? I do, I do.

107
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:10,160
Are they that bad, Sir?
Yes, bad. Very bad.

108
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:11,960
See, you get your hopes up, you see,

109
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,000
and when the results
don't go your way,

110
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:17,960
you realise that you should
never have even dreamed

111
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,960
that things would work out.
PHONE BUZZES

112
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,960
And if you had a...
if you had a womb, it would ache.

113
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:26,320
I do, and it does.
Relax! Don't panic, relax!

114
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:28,480
We are relaxed.
It's back on.

115
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:30,960
Erm, it was the best man.
He was using Jack's phone.

116
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,320
He was off his face
on the stag do last night,

117
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:35,000
and Jack didn't remember
a thing about it.

118
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,960
Oh, how convenient.

119
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,960
That's exactly why I had the hen do,
like, two months ago.

120
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,160
So that your chief bridesmaid

121
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,800
wouldn't send your fanny pics
to Jack's dad?

122
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,000
OK, not exactly.
What's all this noise?

123
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,960
We can get married tomorrow.
Well, c-can we?

124
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:49,960
No. Not me and you. Me and Jack.

125
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,640
The wedding's back on,
and you can all come.

126
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,960
Probably be a few no-shows,
what with the whole texting thing.

127
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:57,640
Surely, not all the test results
can be bad, Sir?

128
00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:00,960
What? Oh, these results?
No, you all passed.

129
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,960
You know, flying colours.
Well done, everybody.

130
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:04,960
Were my colours flying?

131
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,960
No, yours were an absolute shitshow.

132
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:08,960
Hm.

133
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:14,000
Chips, please, Aunty Nooch.

134
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:17,960
Shit, sorry.
Chips, please, whoever you are.

135
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,960
Oh, keep it together, Paul.
Today of all days.

136
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,960
Yeah, of course.
Wait, why today of all days?

137
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,960
There's a deal going down tomorrow.

138
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,320
Tomorrow is really when
I should keep it all together.

139
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:28,000
You've got to give it your best,
Paulie.

140
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,960
You've been picked special for this.

141
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,960
Don't want you thinking no-one else
wanted it cos it's a bit risky.

142
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,960
I wasn't thinking that.
Good.

143
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,960
And this took a meeting
of the five families to arrange.

144
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:39,960
You know that.
Yeah, I know stuff.

145
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:40,960
This is a big one, Paul.

146
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,480
If you can pull it off,
puts us ahead of them lot

147
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:45,960
when carving up the territory
now Big Art's dead.

148
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,960
Big Art's dead?
Yeah, liver disease.

149
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,960
Oh, God.
Well, he did eat a lot of liver.

150
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,960
So, if we can pass this shipment off

151
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:56,960
onto one of them really heavy-duty
players, we're golden.

152
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:57,960
You can do it, Paul.

153
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,960
And if not, well,
you'll have had your chips.

154
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:03,960
But I haven't had my chips.

155
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,960
CHICKEN CLUCKS
Ah.

156
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,960
What the hell is that clu...?
What's that clucking noise?

157
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,960
It's my grief chicken.

158
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:21,960
I'm going to release it to
unburden myself of all my sorrows.

159
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,960
It's only a job, Bob.
It's not about the job.

160
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:26,960
I have lost a son... thing else.

161
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:29,800
I released one
when the Queen passed, so...

162
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,000
Hm. Very patriotic.

163
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,960
Shouldn't it be a dove or something?

164
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,960
Do you know how hard it is
to get hold of a dove? Or a balloon?

165
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,960
I couldn't find one.
And yet, you could find a chicken.

166
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:38,960
Firearms up at the range
have got them.

167
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,960
They... They wouldn't tell me why.

168
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:47,960
Say, "Ba, ba, ba, ba."

169
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,960
Goodbye, my son that never was.

170
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,800
CHICKEN CLUCKS

171
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,960
Great, you got my text.

172
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,480
Oh.
What?

173
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:14,960
Well, you've gone dull again.
Nice.

174
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,960
Well, no, yeah.
We can work on that later.

175
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,320
Look, there's something
I wanted to say.

176
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:20,960
There's something
I wanna say, as well.

177
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,960
It's over.
Marry me.

178
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,160
Did you just ask me to marry you?

179
00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:26,160
What? No, of course not.

180
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:30,320
I was saying, "Harry... Hairy knee."

181
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:33,960
Hairy knee?
Yeah, I've got a super hairy knee.

182
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:34,960
Just the one?
Yep.

183
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,960
Yeah, the other one's smooth.
Weird, eh?

184
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,480
So you didn't just say "marry me"?

185
00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,960
No. No, course not.
That would... That would be stupid.

186
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:44,640
Look, it's clear that whatever
has happened between us,

187
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:47,960
I've taken my eye off his ball
and put it on your ball. Right.

188
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,960
And now I'm taking it off your ball
and putting it back on his.

189
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,960
So we're over.

190
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,960
No hard feelings.
Well, actually, some.

191
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,960
What are you hiding
behind your back? Nothing.

192
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:58,960
HE GULPS

193
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,800
Nothing.

194
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:05,960
Right. Well, thank you
for your service.

195
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,960
You are released.
I'll sign the relevant forms.

196
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,960
Good luck with the knee.

197
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,960
DAZ COUGHS
Oh, bollocks!

198
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:15,960
DAZ BREATHES HEAVILY

199
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,960
You need to help me. I've just
swallowed my nan's engagement ring,

200
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,160
and I don't know what to do.

201
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,960
Can't you just shit it out?

202
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,000
I'm not shitting out
my dead grandmother's ring.

203
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,960
Show some respect.

204
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:28,960
Oof!

205
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,960
JULIE GRUNTS
W-What's the matter with you?

206
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,480
You look like an angry turtle.

207
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,960
I've just got this from Melanie.
It is from Divisional HQ.

208
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,960
Excellent.
No! Not excellent.

209
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:41,960
Why? What does it say?

210
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,960
"We'd like to apologise

211
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,960
"for being unable to appoint
a new head of training.

212
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,960
"We'll come to a decision shortly,

213
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,960
"and we'll be in touch
by the end of the week."

214
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,320
No, but Cunningham is head
of training. Well, apparently not.

215
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:55,960
No, but I've seen him
with my own eyes.

216
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,960
Yes, but he's an imposter, Bob.
No, it's definitely him.

217
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:02,000
Well, yes, of course it's him,
but he is here illegitimately.

218
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,960
He's a bastard.
Well, he certainly bloody is.

219
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,960
Here under false pretences
and slashing our budget

220
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,960
while he lives in the lap of luxury.

221
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,960
Exactly.
Oh...

222
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:11,960
Do you know what?

223
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,960
I think we need to give
our chief super his marching orders.

224
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,960
Yes, yes.

225
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:19,960
He'd better look out, because I'm
gonna give him a piece of my mind.

226
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,800
Careful, Bob, you haven't got
a lot to spare. Yeah, no. What?

227
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,960
Right.
Bugger, he's not here.

228
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:27,960
Where is he?

229
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,480
Yes, no, not at all.

230
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,960
Chief Superintendent Cunningham
will be most relieved.

231
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:32,960
Ah, what was that?

232
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,960
Any news for the top banana,
for the big enchilada?

233
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:37,960
Well, we did have an email
that caused some confusion

234
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:38,960
about your position, Sir,

235
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:41,960
but Divisional HQ have just called
to say that it was meant

236
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,160
for Southwood College.
Ah.

237
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:44,960
Totally obvious it was an error.

238
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,960
We already have a wonderful
yet humble head of training.

239
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:50,000
Ah, well, thank you. I think I have
a special rapport with the staff.

240
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,960
So appreciate that,
whatever your name is.

241
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,000
Melanie, Sir.
I just can't stand shitty admin.

242
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,960
I expect more from HQ.

243
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,960
Now, now, Melanie, no harm done. Hm!

244
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,160
Oi! Twatty!
Excuse me?

245
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,000
No, I will not excuse you, fuckface.

246
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:05,800
Are you talking to me? Of course
I'm talking to you, you mad wanker.

247
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,160
Bob, the job's yours.
Julie's lost the plot.

248
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:10,960
No, actually,
YOU'VE lost the plot...

249
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,320
What?
..because you're a big git.

250
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:13,960
Yeah, a titty git.

251
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:14,960
What?
You tell him, Bob.

252
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,960
You're a shitty, shitty bumhole.
Don't poke me.

253
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:21,960
I'm ordering you to stop poking me.
Oh, you're ordering him, are you?

254
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,960
What, in your capacity as head
of training at this college? Yes.

255
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,960
You are pathetic.
No, no, no.

256
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:28,960
He is head of training.
There was a mistake.

257
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,960
They called the wrong college.
HE CLEARS THROAT

258
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,960
Pathetic in a good way, Sir,
obviously. What I actually...

259
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,640
You're not a real person.

260
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,160
You're an imposter.
Weekes.

261
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,000
Oh, dear.
What on earth are you...?

262
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,000
My scissors seem to have slipped.
What?

263
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,960
Bob.
Stay.

264
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,800
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh!
Goodness gracious!

265
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:46,960
I'd just like to point out, Sir,

266
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,960
I was doing a two-minute
insult your boss for charity.

267
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:50,960
I have no idea what Bob's doing.

268
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,320
BOB BLOWS RASPBERRY

269
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:56,960
Weekes! Wh...?

270
00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:00,000
Wh...?
BOB BARKS

271
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:13,000
Oh. Right, Paul,
we need a mission recap.

272
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,960
This little family escapade tomorrow

273
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,160
involves you getting
a huge wad of cash

274
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:21,960
from an unidentified bastard
in return for a shipment of goods.

275
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,960
OK, now, just stop me if
it's getting too complicated. Stop.

276
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,960
W-What was difficult about that?
I just want it all to stop.

277
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,320
Well, it's too late for that, Paul.

278
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:29,960
You are our man on the inside,

279
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,960
and I use the term "man"
incredibly loosely.

280
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,960
Now, it's really important
that we get a name, OK?

281
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,960
So I've got you a hidden mic here.

282
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:41,960
It's not very well hidden.
Well, no, it's not hidden now.

283
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,960
You're gonna hide it. OK?

284
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:47,960
If that fails, we need you
to be able to identify said man.

285
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,960
So, you know the game Guess Who?
Oh, yeah.

286
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:50,960
Yeah, a little bit like that.
Nice.

287
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,960
I'll ask them, like,
do you wear a hat?

288
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,960
Have you got a moustache?
Things like that.

289
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,960
Yeah, or just look at him, Paul.
Oh, yeah, all right.

290
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:02,480
Well, as impressive
as it was to see Bob's bottom...

291
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:05,160
Yes, I thought so. ..I'm afraid
there will be consequences.

292
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:06,960
I'm gonna have to fine him.
What sort of fine?

293
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,960
Erm, a kidney.
A kidney?

294
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,960
No, no, what's that other thing?
A kiss.

295
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:11,960
Pardon?
Yeah.

296
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,960
A single kiss should suffice,
on the cheek.

297
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,960
What about the job, the redundancy?
Oh, yes, I'll be letting him go.

298
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,960
But congratulations to Julie
on the new role of training czar.

299
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,000
Oh, yes, I see.

300
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,960
But that does mean
that her first job as training czar

301
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,000
would be to hire someone
to be her co-training czar.

302
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:28,960
Oh, good point.
Mm.

303
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,960
Possibly a diversity hire,
so someone old, male, white.

304
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,320
I think Bob's available.
Bob!

305
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:37,000
Of course.
Why didn't I think of Bob?

306
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,960
He's hired. Off you go.

307
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,960
Draw up a contract for Bob
at 10% increase on wages.

308
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:45,320
But not for Julie? No, no.
She kept her job while Bob lost his.

309
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,960
He had an uncertain future.
Exactly, Sir.

310
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,960
Yes. None of us knew what was
to become of him, not even me.

311
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,960
And I can see very far
into the future,

312
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,960
where I have robot arms
and a robot retractable penis.

313
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,960
I'll go and tell them the good news.
No, no, no, no.

314
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:03,320
Let's keep them in suspenders
for one last pole dance, hm?

315
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:04,960
HE LAUGHS

316
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:08,640
Yes. Here we go, Clarkson.
Line it up and...

317
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,960
Oh! Hole in one!
CUNNINGHAM LAUGHS

318
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,960
All right, bye.
See you tomorrow at the wedding.

319
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,960
See you. Have a good night. Bye-bye.

320
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,000
Sorry, what was that for?

321
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,960
Because...

322
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,960
Because?

323
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:33,960
Because I-I needed to be sure.
To know, you know?

324
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:34,960
Erm, before I, erm...

325
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,960
Sorry, before you...?

326
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,960
To confirm that marrying,
that it's right.

327
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,320
Erm, it was playing on my mind, and
I don't want it playing on my mind,

328
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,640
I want it out of my mind,
so I kissed someone.

329
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:47,960
Right. And now?

330
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:49,320
Er, it worked.

331
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,800
I know I'm doing the right thing...
did the right thing.

332
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,960
So it's completely out of my mind,
completely, totally, utterly.

333
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,960
So there, that's that done.

334
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,960
What did you do that for?

335
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,480
Because someone was caught off guard
at the first kiss,

336
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,960
and because someone wanted
to give it their best shot.

337
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,960
And because maybe it should play
on your mind. I don't know.

338
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,960
But I think that one
has a better chance.

339
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,320
Oh, crikey.

340
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:41,640
That's the last of the boxes
unloaded.

341
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,960
These are the kosher samples
for Paulie. Where the fuck is he?

342
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,640
He's got one minute, otherwise,
the whole deal's a Spam pancake.

343
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:48,960
PAUL: Relax.
Oh.

344
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,960
I'm here.
Jesus. What's that?

345
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,960
What's what?
That.

346
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,960
The outfit.
Oh, this. It's me.

347
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,960
I'm a mouse.
I can see you're a bleedin' mouse.

348
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,960
Make myself unrecognisable,
you said.

349
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,960
You're recognisable as a dick,
though, bruv.

350
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,960
These are the ones
they got to look at.

351
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,960
You know, so he doesn't
have to waste any time

352
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:06,960
going through all them boxes.

353
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,960
Get going.
OK. All right.

354
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,960
And don't do nothing stupid.

355
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,960
OK, OK, I know. Double negative.

356
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,960
RINGING TONE
VOICEMAIL: 'Hey, this is Jack.

357
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,800
'I'm not around at the moment,
obviously.

358
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:25,960
'Leave me a message.'
BEEP

359
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,960
Where are you?

360
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,960
I'm here outside a massive church
in a massive white dress,

361
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:31,960
and you're not here.

362
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,960
Where are you?

363
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,960
JULIE: 'Huggins,
what is your position? Over.'

364
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,960
Standing up.
'No. Where are you?'

365
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:38,960
Inside the building.

366
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:43,960
OK, I am in a van around the corner
should anything go tits up.

367
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,960
Ah, now, don't speak to me
from now on, OK?

368
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,960
Oh, and remember, I need a name.

369
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,960
What's wrong with Julie?
'His name.'

370
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,960
Oh, OK. Got it.

371
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,480
KNOCK AT DOOR
Who the shitting hell is...?

372
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,960
Oh, oh...
What do you want?

373
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,800
Yeah, I know it's my day off,
but, I mean, I've done the laundry,

374
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,960
and I thought I'd just pop by
and see how the secret op's going.

375
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,960
Jesus Christ, get out of sight.
Get in, get in.

376
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,960
OK, I've brought...
I've brought some doughnuts.

377
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,960
Oh, great, good.
That should help (!) Oh.

378
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,960
I'm sure there are all sorts
of reasons people get cold feet.

379
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,320
Yeah. Poor circulation. Thin socks.

380
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:17,960
Scared shitless we'll find out
it was him who sent those dick pics.

381
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,960
So, how's it going?
Tense. A little bit crowded now.

382
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,960
KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh, what now?

383
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,960
Is this a secret op?
Who the hell told you?

384
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,960
Bob. For fuck's sake...
Get in, just get in.

385
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,960
The operative word
was "secret", Bob.

386
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,640
Ooh, doughnuts.
Yeah.

387
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,320
CHUCKLING
Who's this clown?

388
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,960
PAUL: Ooh! Hello, boys.

389
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:44,640
Massive boys.

390
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:45,960
That's far enough.
Yep, that's fine.

391
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,960
Show me the goods.
Oh, d-do you mean this?

392
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,960
I didn't mean your penis.
Oh, phew.

393
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,960
'Huggins, I need a name.'
Erm, Julie actually needs a name.

394
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:54,960
Who the fuck is Julie?
Good question.

395
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,160
'Use your brain for once.'
Use your brain for once.

396
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,960
Have you got
some sort of death wish?

397
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,960
No, not really,
but, look, it's been a lovely deal.

398
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,800
I'll just let myself out.
You ain't going nowhere.

399
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,160
Get your arse back over here.
'Huggins, get his name!'

400
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,960
Sorry, I've, erm...
I've actually forgotten your name.

401
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,800
What was it again?
Brad Pitt.

402
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,960
Brad Pitt.

403
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:16,960
Hang on. Is that one T or two?
Three.

404
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,960
'Brad Pittt, three Ts.'
It's not Brad Pitt.

405
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,640
I smell a rat.

406
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:22,960
Oh, no, no, d-definitely a mouse.

407
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:24,960
Hooky gear.
I don't know what that means.

408
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,960
You think
I'm some kind of idiot, huh?

409
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,480
No, I mean,
I don't really know you...

410
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,320
Pity you'll never get
the chance to, innit?

411
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:31,800
Oh! Don't...

412
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,000
Sorry,
you're gonna have to improvise.

413
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,320
Please don't shoot me,
I'm only a little mouse. Huh?

414
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:37,960
Look out, boxes!
'Oh, my God, it's all kicking off.'

415
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:41,000
PAUL SHRIEKS
Catch the fucking mouse.

416
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,960
Oh, here he is.
Oh...

417
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,960
Oh. It's you.

418
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,960
Sorry, I was in two minds
whether to come,

419
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,800
but then I got hungry, and I
remembered you were getting married

420
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,480
and there was gonna be food here.
He's not here.

421
00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:53,960
What?

422
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,960
I've phoned him, but...

423
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:56,960
Ohhhh!

424
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,960
Oh, let... Yeah, I wouldn't do that.

425
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,960
They might...
They could be poisonous.

426
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,960
I don't care.
There's 247 people in there.

427
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,960
All right, well,
let's get you out of here, then.

428
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,320
I can't leave, it's my wedding!

429
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,960
It's gonna be a pretty weird wedding
if there's no groom. Oh!

430
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:10,960
I-I'll marry you, then.

431
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,960
No, no, I don't wanna be married.

432
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,960
Marry me.
No.

433
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:15,960
DANNI WAILS

434
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,800
Oh, my God,
that's, like, two rejections

435
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:19,960
within the last 15 minutes.

436
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,000
SHE SOBS

437
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,960
PAUL: I'm going to the roof!
He's going to the roof.

438
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,960
Why is he going to the roof?
They're coming after me!

439
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,960
I need a helicopter, over.

440
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,960
Righto, coming up.
Do... Do we have a helicopter?

441
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,640
'No, of course
we don't have a helicopter.'

442
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:36,960
PAUL BREATHES HEAVILY
It's so high.

443
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,960
DANNI SOBS
Erm... all right, come on.

444
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,480
What are you doing?
Listen, he didn't show up, right?

445
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,160
But also, fuck him.
You didn't show up, either.

446
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:46,960
Yeah.
Yeah?

447
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,960
AFIA AND GEETA:
Yeah, fuck him. Go on.

448
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,160
Come on, come on.
Yeah, fuck him.

449
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,960
Argh!
DANNI GIGGLES

450
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:22,960
GUNSHOTS

451
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,960
PAUL SCREAMS

452
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,960
PAUL: They're shooting at me!
There's no more roof, over!

453
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:30,640
We're not in any danger down here,
though, are we, Huggins, over?

454
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:31,960
'No, no, you're fine.'

455
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,960
I overheard the guy say
he's gonna make sure

456
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:34,960
the whole thing blows over.

457
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,960
No, up. Blows up. That was it.

458
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,960
Julie? Sir Bob?

459
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:46,960
Hello?

460
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,960
Oh, my God, something just blew up!

461
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,960
Well, it's a rough area, Bob.
Things explode.

462
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:56,960
Jesus, you can't even eat a doughnut
without getting jam all over...

463
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,960
Fucking hell!

464
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,960
How long have you had a bullet wound
in your chest, Bob?

465
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:04,480
So that's what it was.
I thought I had a heartburn.

466
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,960
BOB GROANS

467
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,960
They got me in the end. Julie...

468
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,960
..tell Melanie I...

469
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,960
BOB BELCHES

470
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:15,960
Oh...

471
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:19,960
Bob?

472
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:20,960
Hello?

473
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,960
Must be a dead spot.

474
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,320
Shit!
PAUL SCREAMS

475
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,960
BELL DINGS
Well, this is my stop.

476
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:41,480
EXHALES

477
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:52,960
No, it is jam.
Oh.

478
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:55,960
Oh. Oh.

479
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,960
So... So it was heartburn after all.

480
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:02,960
Oh.
So... Panic over. Ha.

481
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,960
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