OK, just need to take a few details.
Can I start by taking your name?
Er, yes, it's Lindsey. Lindsey Brown.
OK, Lindsey, Lindsey Brown. Is that your vehicle out there?
The 2012 Ford Focus with the faulty brake light?
Erm, yes, I'm getting it fixed. Good, make sure you do.
Let's start at the beginning.
Well, your Rishi is settling in very well. Mm-hm.
He's made some friends, which, first time at a new school,
it's never easy.
Is he getting good marks, though?
LINDSEY INHALES How good is "good"?
Good enough to go to Oxford at 12,
become CEO of a major international bank
and treat me to a yearly round-the-world cruise
without my husband.
He did this lovely picture of a butterfly.
Mm. That's a start.
Hi. Ah! Now, I never forget a face. Oh.
It's, er, Mr Lapland, isn't it?
HE LAUGHS Former trainee.
Yeah, no. Listen, I was wondering if you could do me a favour.
Not something I do, as a rule.
Actually, not something I've ever done, now I think of it.
OK, look, I know that you're a rash, impulsive woman.
That's what I love about you, but inevitably,
there will be a day where you make a decision you regret.
I regret having you in the first place.
Now you sound like my mum.
I am not your therapist, Legland. OK. Erm, right...
Look, well, seeing as my parents have let you have discretion,
what if was to apologise for Daz's groin?
You know, maybe kiss it better? Oh, dear. Have we changed our mind?
Do we suddenly want to stay and do the nasty "twaining"?
I wouldn't put it that strongly, but, er, I would say
that I'm prepared to give it another chance. Hm.
Well, what about the backchat? The relentless wit and repartee?
I'll let you continue that, within reason.
Mm. You drive a hard bargain. No, I drive a Honda Civic.
And we're off. So am I back?
Get lost. Is that a yes?
Trot on, fuck pig. Thanks, babe!
All right, mate. How was your drama group last night?
Yeah, good, man. You know, we worked on being sad,
but as our favourite animal, so I had... Hang on.
What? What you doing here?
Well, this is the way to the lockers, right?
But you left us, mate, remember? What, left this place? What?!
Thought you said you were chucked out.
Ah, that. Yeah, mate, that was a joke, all right?
Obviously. That's such a relief!
No, I kinda knew you were winding us up.
No, you didn't, Paul.
All right, I didn't, but I wished really hard that he was, so...
Leggo! You're still with us.
Let me guess, you've always known.
What? Known what? Dunno. Everything.
Stephanie knows everything.
ENTHUSIASTICALLY: Hey! LAUGHING: What was that?
You're not supposed to be here.
Yeah, well, you sound glad that I am.
What? No.
What, so that "Hey" was like, "Hey! Oh, shit, that fucker's back."
No, not exactly. It was just a... a reaction of surprise.
OK, let's hear it again. DISINTERESTEDLY: Hey.
Oh, come on, it wasn't quite like that.
Again. FEIGNING INTEREST: H... Hey.
Mm, yeah, better.
How come you're back? Love.
I just love the place.
They also begged me not to go.
They didn't wanna lose their brightest student.
Why would they lose me? HE SCOFFS
I guess, if I was gone, they'd just assume you'd died of a broken heart.
Big announcement today. Oh, you getting engaged?
Well, not as far as I know. I think Melanie is referring to
the new Director of Training announcement.
Yeah, I know she is, Bob, because I'm across that kinda thing,
and I don't need Melanie kicking me up the arse to remind me.
Well, good luck, both of us. And may the best man win.
I am more man than he will ever be,
and I'm strangely confident that luck won't come into it
now that I've identified the infiltrator.
MELANIE GASPS Thanks for playing,
and remember, nobody goes home empty-handed on this show.
Oh, no, hang on. You do. But did you have a good time?
Oh, yes, I have, thank you. Yes. Been amazing.
No, no, no, don't say that. What...? I forgot, yes.
Have...? Thanks for playing, Julie. Have you had a good time?
Have you got one single original thought in your head?
Well, I... Have I, Melanie?
All right, kiddies.
So, today, we're working on cardio pulmonary resuscitation,
aka C-P-R. Yeah?
We're supposed to have a rescue dummy, but Daz borrowed it.
Hasn't brought it back. Not sure why.
BOTH: Sex.
So, er, one of each pair lie on the floor,
the other one kneel next to them, yeah?
Now, following chest compressions,
we wanna begin giving rescue breaths.
Now, to ensure that the airways are open,
you wanna tilt the head back and lift the chin.
Go on.
Er, no, no, no. No, that's wrong. That's wrong, that.
Why is that wrong? Er, it's... it's wrong.
The thing that you were doing was wrong.
Erm, let's, er... Somebody else swap in.
I tell you what, Huggins, up you get.
You swap with Steph... Student Officer Jackson. All right.
I don't... Why can't I just do it?
No, just cos... faulty technique. All right, down you get.
So, like I said, to ensure that the airways are open,
you wanna tilt the head back and lift the chin.
Right, head back.
OK, now, to make sure the airways are clear,
you wanna blow into the subject's mouth.
Yeah, nah, I'm not sure about this. My airways are completely clear.
They do sound pretty clear. I mean, he is talking.
Huggins, give two rescue breaths,
and watch his chest to see if it rises. Yeah?
Really?
OK. O... OK.
There you go. Just do it.
All right. Oh, God.
SQUELCHING
Are his airways clear? Yes.
How d'you know? I didn't see you check his chest to see if it rises.
Well, I felt them with my tongue. You what?
Yeah, just, like, put my tongue down his throat, wiggled it,
felt about a little bit, seen what bits and bobs were in there,
and, no, nothing. No blockages detected.
You're not supposed to use your tongue,
you just blow down and check to see if his chest rises.
What...? Oh. Oh, I did not know that. Sorry, mate.
All right, you can get up now, Legland.
Legland! GEETA: I think he's fainted.
No, he's only pissing about. He's fine.
My God, it's like Sleeping Beauty in reverse.
Would that be, like, manslaughter? For God's sake, he's...
Leggo?
Leg... Oh, my God. Leggo!
Leggo? HE GASPS
THEY GASP Jesus!
I could be. Was I dead for three days?
SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
Get off.
Right. The panel meets at three.
I'll give you one last chance to tell me who the traitor is or...
else.
Did Melanie make you say that? Not to tell you that.
No, and I'm not telling you who the traitor is.
Is it... Is it... Is it Stephanie Jackson?
Why her? I don't know. Something to do with...
It's her hair. No, you're never gonna guess.
And anyway, even if you did guess,
I wouldn't tell you if you were right.
Is it Legland? Never liked the cut of his jib.
Legland has just been spending the last two weeks
trying to get out of here.
Does that really strike you as mole behaviour?
Well, not unless he was tunnelling, I suppose.
My God, you wouldn't guess it if it was staring you in the face.
Oh, my God, is it you? Jesus, no, it is not me.
Why would I be doing all of this if it was me?
Cos someone's... injected you with a truth syrup.
No.
I don't know. I don't know. I give up.
You're a police officer, Bob. You're not supposed to give up.
I know. Is it... Is it the Home Secretary?
Not a student at this college. Is it... Is it Jason Bourne?
Fictional. Are you sure? Yes.
In any case, I've already sent off the name to the powers that be.
This invaluable intel will be the clincher
for anybody who wants Cunningham's job.
Well, for your information, I actually do know who it is.
Just said Jason fucking Bourne.
Steph.
Bet you're looking forward to that criminal psychology module, yeah?
OK, you're gonna say I'd be great
at getting inside the head of a deranged stalker.
I mean, nice idea, but, er, I wasn't.
Yeah. Well, that was the old Steph.
Well, maybe the new Steph fancies a drink later.
Sorry, what? I'm... I'm actually just getting confused now
cos there's old Steph, new Steph, Steph A, Steph B... I meant you.
Me what? A drink, you know, in the bar.
W-With you there as well? That's the idea, yeah.
I... I don't think that's a good idea.
Wh... Why not?
Because, Mike, you messed me about all this time.
Why should I trust you? Because I'm a policeman, yeah?
Yeah, you were a policeman when you messed me about.
OK, but just a quick little drink. What are you so worried about?
Closure. It's open till half ten.
No, I mean, been there, done that.
OK, it doesn't have to be that bar. We can go to the place...
Right, OK, yeah. I'll think about it, OK?
I will... I'll get back to you.
WHISPERS: Yes!
No, it's all quiet over here.
Out the ordinary? No, nothing.
No, cos listen to this, I talked my way out of a tricky spot yesterday.
Yeah, no-one's sussing me, I promise.
Gotten away with it. Cheers. DOOR SLAMS OPEN
On the floor! On the floor!
What's on the floor? The floor!
I'm looking, I can't see anything!
You... get down... on the floor now!
On your knees! On your knees! Please don't shoot me!
Hands on the back of your head!
Identify yourself. Straight, I like girls.
No, women, I like women.
What's your name? Paul.
Full name! Paul Corleone Huggins.
Corleone? Yeah.
Stay still! Secure the target.
OK, I'll be still. So still, I swear to god.
OK, now stand up slowly. Can I please use the bathroom?
What? Well, I think I need to clean up.
Clean up?
Yes, I think I might have touched cloth.
Move! Oh, he's not joking, sarge.
I really, really need to use the lav.
The cloth is quite badly touched.
Thank you, Gavin.
No worries. It was nice to have a little run-out.
It's been a quiet week.
Dismissed.
I'm so sorry. Huggins.
Paul. Paul, Paul, Paul.
Yes, milady. Ma'am.
That's what could happen.
D'you see? It did happen.
Well, I know it did, but only as an example of what could happen.
You mean it might happen again?
Ah, now you're getting the hang of it.
I don't understand.
The three words which, no doubt, will be inscribed on your tombstone,
which may be slightly sooner than you'd like.
You saying I'm gonna die?
We're all gonna die, Huggins... sooner or later.
I'm just saying you might be tipping the scales towards the former,
if you know what I mean.
I don't think I do, no. I know who you are, Huggins.
Well, I'm Huggins.
No, I-I-I don't mean your name, Paul Huggins.
I know who you are, I know who your family are. Oh.
So am I a dead duck? Oh, no. Far from it.
You're just about to fly off to another lovely little pond, ducky.
HE RETCHES Sorry.
What? Sorry, I just really don't like the sound of that.
Look, let me just make this simple.
I am recruiting, and you are working for us now.
I already was. No, not like that.
As a double prune. What?
A mole within a mole. Oh! What?
OK, look, and this may sound redundant,
but just try and act dumb.
OK, I'll try, but I can't make any promises.
Of course. So does everyone else know?
What, in here? No, just me. Think it's probably better that way.
I mean, I wouldn't have to, like, rat on my family now or anything...?
Hush now. Shh.
We don't need to go into silly detail like that, do we?
No, we do not. SHE CHUCKLES
Over time, you may need to feed back intel on criminal activity,
but I need you to do something really important for me right now.
OK? WHISPERS: What's that?
I need you to change your trousers.
Yes, Madam.
Finished. Bollocks you are.
Piece of piss. No.
Daz, you do know that each column, each row and each grid
has to have the numbers one to nine, no repeats?
HE SNORTS Bullshit. Life's too short for that.
Length of life has nothing to do with it.
What... What have you been doing?
I've just been writing the numbers I like in the blanks, like eight.
It's a sexy number, is eight. Reminds me of a woman's body.
And zero-zero, that's like boobs.
It is, yeah, but that's not how you play it.
No, that's not how YOU play.
That's not how any human beings play it.
My way's better. No, it's not.
Yeah, it is. Sudoku porn.
Sexy body, pair of boobs,
zero-one-zero, a cock and balls.
Guys, guys. You're not gonna believe this, yeah?
I've just been offered a role for this new TV cop show.
My God! Ha-ha! You're joking me!
That's amazing! Yeah, man.
I knew that Devon Hansell when he was a struggling nobody.
I always said you had what it takes.
No, you didn't. No, I didn't.
Hello, everyone. It's a pretty normal day, innit?
Like, nothing life-changing happening here.
Well, no, apart from Dev, he's just got a part in a new TV cop thing.
God, that is amazing. I mean, I love police shows so much.
I mean, I've always had a dream to be a policeman, so...
You realise you're training to be one?
Yeah, sorry, I just forgot who I was there for a moment.
Who you playing?
Er, Victimone. I'm thinking Italian. Ooh!
What does he do? Ep 1, erm, found in the woods.
Oi! Ep 2, I'm in the mortuary.
Ep 3, open-casket wake, yeah?
Ep 4, I'm buried and then dug up again for a second autopsy,
and Ep 6... Don't know what I'm doing episode five.
Maybe improv something, but, yeah. Big role.
"Victimone".
Are you sure it isn't "Victim One"?
It could be, yeah. Right.
Dev, you're not an actual part. You're a corpse.
All right.
I did not shit myself. What?
Who?
Sir!
I'm stuck. No, no, not stuck. There we... Ah!
Oh, yeah, yes, Melanie?
A little bird has just told me that Superintendent Spry
has not been named as the new Director of Training.
Oh, no! No, no, no! No, no, it's fantastic.
It means it has to be you.
Let's just hope she takes it in good spirit.
Can I have the key to the gun cupboard?
Do we have a gun cupboard?
Sorry, not gun, I mean stationery cupboard.
No, I mean gun cupboard.
Have you any, erm, any news on the top-dog job?
I didn't get it. MELANIE GASPS
Oh, I'm so sorry. Sad and sorry, sad, s-sad, sad, sad.
Oh, and neither did Bob. Oh, bum!
If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go and do some special filing.
Double bum!
Oh, it's always darkest before the dawn.
Worse things happen at the seaside.
I mean, nobody died... did... did they?
You will if you come out with any more meaningless cliches.
Well, it's not the end of the...
...potato.
They gave the job to somebody else, Bob.
We gave it our best shot.
And I thought we were both excellent candidates.
Clearly, they found someone fresh and exciting
to lead us into a wonderful new...
Ah, Bob, Julie.
Well, well, it's great to be back at the helm.
Oh, I'd love a tea, if you've got a moment. What?
HE CHUCKLES Tea. Cup of tea.
Chief Superintendent Cunningham, er, did you forget something?
Well, I forgot how much I missed the old place.
But it's certainly great to be back in charge.
No? Sorry, in charge of...?
The college. Well, con... con...
congratulations to... Which one? This one.
But... But you were... You... You... You were relieved of your position.
Reinstated on appeal, and rightly so.
But you fashioned yourself as Stephen Hawking at a public event.
Ah, yes, turns out, leaving dos are not considered public.
Also turns out,
it helps if you play pickleball with the head of the appeals panel.
Well, as long as it's consensual, I'm sure that's fine.
Plus, cherry on the cake, our superiors were mightily impressed
that I identified the prune
that had wormed its way into the nest down here. What?
Sorry, yes, one of my sergeants passed your information onto...
yours truly. But you, er... you did tell, er,
the superiors that, er, the information came from me, yeah?
Did I? Well, probably, I don't know.
Something may have got lost in translation.
Where's that tea got to?
I'll get it.
Oh, at ease, at ease.
Didn't know you smoked, ma'am. Mm.
Thought now would be a good time to start. You OK?
Yeah. Sometimes, I'm just sick of the kids, that's all.
Home life getting you down, is it? I meant my classmates in there.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Well, you are proving to be a great student, Geeta.
You're a great superior officer, ma'am.
Well, I know, I know.
If only everybody had the clarity and wisdom to see it.
More fool them. You're a woman of the world, Geeta.
I am. As am I. I've walked the streets.
Not as a tart, as a warrior, discovering the realities of life.
We live a life burdened with responsibilities, ma'am.
You know, I'm not a mother like you, Geeta,
but I am mother to all of those students.
Yeah, and it requires strength... Mm.
...and compassion. Mainly strength.
There's an undercurrent of compassion.
Nah, not really.
No, no, there is. I can see it in your eyes.
Can you? Yeah.
In my eyes? Yeah.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
I was heading for the door, and I forgot you were in the way.
Of course. Oh, ha!
I think I may have accidentally er, bashed your lips a little bit.
Just a bit of a collision. Bit of a collision.
Ha! Well, anyway, good chat.
Yeah, we speak the same language, ma'am.
Ah, au revoir, Geeta. Hola!
Erm, Melanie? Ooh!
Erm, would you...? No, Melanie...
Oh, I s... Right, I was just gonna say, er, thank you.
Oh, what for?
For supporting me, being on my side, fighting my corner.
Oh, well, it's nothing, really.
Er, also, I just wanted to ask you something.
Erm, I've got a, erm...
superintendents' charity dinner next week,
and... and they've... they've given me a plus-one.
Oh. Have they?
Yes, yes, and as you know, I'm very much, er,
on my ownsome lonesome, you know, bit of a Bobby No-Mates,
er, so, erm, I was just wondering if you... Yes.
...would cancel the, er, the plus-one
cos it is probably just a clerical error. Course.
Yeah, thank you. Will do.
Thank you, Melanie. Mm-hm.
Oh, now, nearly forgot. SHE GASPS
If you could deliver those to Auntie Bridget...
Got the address there. Needs to be there by the morning. Thank you.
Thank you, Melanie. Good night. SQUEAKS: Good night.
I'll catch you lot up.
You're sitting in a police car.
I've always wanted to sit in one, so.
Can I join you? Mm-hm.
Kebab? See I'm carb-loading ahead of a dangerous level of drinking.
No, I'm good, thanks. Suit yourself.
Oh, actually, I'll have just one bite.
OK. Mm.
Oh! Oh, I see what you mean, this is...
Oh, this is nice! That is really good.
OK, yeah, now you're enjoying it too much.
HE LAUGHS Yeah, a little bit.
This is delicious.
It's like eating a massive vagina.
Is this, like, a date?
LAUGHING: No. Oh.
Good because I...
I wouldn't want you getting the wrong idea
and getting really turned on by me.
Don't worry, that is not happening. HE LAUGHS
Actually, erm, Mike asked me out.
Oh. Wow. Yeah.
I should go, right?
HE INHALES He's the real reason you signed up.
Suppose he is.
So what you gonna say?
Actually, erm... You ready?
Yeah.
And, er, step out the vehicle, Legland.
It's not a toy, yeah?
Steph!
Kebab. ENGINE STARTS
Sorry. THEY LAUGH
How do I look? Perfect.
Bit greasy. Yeah.
HE SIGHS
Hello, sunshine.
Cos I've been a good boy, I'm out of this playpen for good.
HE INHALES, EXHALES
But as a farewell gesture,
I am nicking you for littering His Majesty's tarmac.
Your balls still burning, Peppa Pig?
Ha-ha. Ugh!
Fuck!
MAN: Pauly, get in the car!
I can't get in. Open the doors!
SIRENS BLARE Come on, it's locked.
Jump in the car. Wait, pull me in!
Pull me in! Just get in, you knob.
Pull me in, my legs are gonna fall off!
Er, mate? Mate?
Come on now. Oh, bollocks.
I didn't touch him! Hey, that was an accident!
It was an accident!
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