1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,960
This place, man, this... this place,
it's screwing me up.

2
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,960
I need to be out there,
on the streets.

3
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,960
I'm like a caged tiger in here.

4
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:11,960
Yeah? And there's something
you people don't know about me.

5
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:14,960
I killed a man. Hm?
And I'll kill again.

6
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:17,960
DEV EXHALES

7
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,960
Thanks. That's great.

8
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,960
I think we've seen
all we need to see.

9
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:26,960
I can do it louder, you know.
Sexier. Irish?

10
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,960
No, no. I think we're good.

11
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,960
Thing is, I've just started
this 18-week course, you know.

12
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:34,800
It's pretty full-on, so...
I don't think it'll be a problem.

13
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:35,960
Really?
It will be hard to get time off.

14
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,960
I really don't think
it'll be a problem. OK, sweet.

15
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,960
Thank you so much. See you soon.

16
00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,960
Morning.
SING-SONGY: Morning!

17
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,960
There we go.

18
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,960
Let's get you out
of these wet clothes.

19
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:05,960
I don't think they are wet,
are they, Melanie?

20
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,960
As you wish. Just a thought.

21
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,320
So, how are we
this wonderful Wednesday morning?

22
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,960
It's Thursday.
Is it?

23
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:12,960
Yeah.
What happened to Wednesday?

24
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:14,960
Took place yesterday.
Oh.

25
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:17,960
What does Timothy Timetable say
for Thursday?

26
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,960
Questions, questions, questions.

27
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,640
Pardon me for inhaling and exhaling.
No, questions, Bob.

28
00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:26,960
Interview and interrogation
technique, how to listen properly.

29
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,960
Glisten?
Listen.

30
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,960
Ah, listen.

31
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:35,960
I intend to use this module
as a means to skewer the prune.

32
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:39,960
And is there, erm, any investigation
that I can help with?

33
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:42,960
I don't really think
that's your area, is it, Melanie?

34
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:45,960
Well, two brains and all that.
You haven't got two brains.

35
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:46,960
No, I just meant...

36
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:50,960
I know what you meant,
and the answer is no-o-o.

37
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,960
You'll just feed it back
to Bilbo Bobbins.

38
00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:57,960
I have a question.
Er, Thursday.

39
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,960
Yes, yes, but don't you think
she needs to be stopped?

40
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:02,160
Do I? Ah, yes, yes, I do.

41
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:03,960
But you haven't done anything
about it.

42
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,960
I absolutely have!

43
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,960
I've, er, I made a note
to address that very issue,

44
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,960
and I wrote... I wrote it down.

45
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,320
I was... I was...
I was going to write it down.

46
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:13,960
No, no, no!

47
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:15,960
She's going to snatch the glory
right from under your nose!

48
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,960
I can fend off her snatch,
don't you worry about that.

49
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:21,640
Do you honestly think she'd be able
to outmanoeuvre Bob Weekes?

50
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:23,960
I'll take care of it.
I'm on it.

51
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:24,960
I'll take care of it.
On it.

52
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,640
Care of it!

53
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,960
Come on, Bob, you're on it.

54
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,960
On it. On...

55
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:35,960
On what? On-On-On the prowl. Yes?
No, on the... on the job.

56
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,160
On the job? Or on the blob?
Not the blob.

57
00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:40,960
Bloody Steph A.

58
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,960
I mean,
what does he even see in her?

59
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,960
Beats me.
She must have a banging personality.

60
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,960
It's pathetic. He's being so...
What, basic?

61
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,960
Yes. Yes, basic.

62
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:50,960
Would you go for someone like that?

63
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,960
Nice guns, and he's got charisma
as well, I'll give him that. No.

64
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:54,960
Not him. Her.

65
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,960
Oh. Erm, I think she's a little bit
out of my league.

66
00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,960
Yeah. Like me.
Erm...

67
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:01,960
Like me.
No, I just...

68
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,320
Like me.
All right, all right.

69
00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,000
Just give me a minute.
You are very rude.

70
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,480
Look, I'm just saying,

71
00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:09,480
I'm sure there's plenty
of other Mikes in the sea.

72
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:10,960
I want that one.

73
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:12,960
Why? If that isn't a rude question.

74
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,960
Because I don't fail
and I don't lose. Right.

75
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,960
Well, you know,
you could just hang around

76
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,960
and wait to see
if she farts during sex.

77
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:21,960
Or I could kill her.

78
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:28,960
All right, settle. Settle!
BOB MUTTERS

79
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,960
Interrogation technique, part two!
JULIE CLEARS THROAT

80
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,960
There are various ways

81
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,960
to make the extraction
of important information

82
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:38,960
just a little more exciting.

83
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:39,960
Electrodes.

84
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:43,000
Er... just little ones,
not wired or anything,

85
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,960
just cold on the flesh.

86
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:45,960
No, not electrodes.

87
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,960
That is part three.
GASPING LAUGH

88
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,160
Let's start with the traditional
good cop, bad cop scenario.

89
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:52,960
Which one do you want me to be?

90
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,960
JULIE LAUGHS

91
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,960
LAUGHTER CONTINUES

92
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,960
Oh, I'm sorry.
I can... I can do bad.

93
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,960
JULIE LAUGHS

94
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,960
Oh, dear.

95
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:28,960
Oh, OK.

96
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,960
All right, first up,
Student Officer Hanzel.

97
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,960
Come up, please.
OK.

98
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,640
Take a seat.
AFIA: Go on, Dev.

99
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,480
Thank you. Thank you.
Let's find some truth.

100
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:38,960
Have you got any notes
for my character?

101
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,960
Shut it, scum-brain!
Oh, we've started? OK.

102
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,960
H-Have we? Have we started?
I ask the sodding questions.

103
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,960
Would you like a cup of tea, Dev?
I said, I ask the questions.

104
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,960
I... Thank you.

105
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,800
Why are you here, Hanzel?

106
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,960
To be a policeman.
No, why are you REALLY here?

107
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,640
To be a policeman.
What are you really, Hanzel?

108
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:57,960
A policeman.
Would you like a cup of tea?

109
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,960
Tell me the truth, or I will tear
your fucking nuts off with my teeth!

110
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,960
A policeman.
SHOUTS: You're lying to me!

111
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,960
Barakat, get the electrodes!
No, no, no!

112
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,960
What are you?

113
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,960
An actor.
TEARFULLY: I'm an actor.

114
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:14,480
Deep down, that's what I am.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

115
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,960
Fuck! I knew that bit.
Not what I was looking for.

116
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,960
OK, go on, piss off.
Chabra, you're in.

117
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,960
Tea, sandwiches,
fresh fruit or a biscuit?

118
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,640
Right, stand there.

119
00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:29,960
What did I do?

120
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,960
I've been doing some random checks
for Superintendent Weekes,

121
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,960
and your personnel report
has gone AWOL.

122
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:37,960
Now, I could hack into the mainframe
and do a deep dive on you...

123
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,000
N-No, don't. It's...

124
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,960
Listen, why don't we just go
for a drink?

125
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:42,960
What?

126
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,960
You know, you're...
Oh, you're just so beautiful.

127
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,640
I know. But you're not.
Oh. W-What?

128
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:50,960
Anyway, like I said,
I could hack in,

129
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:54,960
but why would I bother
when I've got my twat-catcher?

130
00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,960
HE STAMMERS
What does it do?

131
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,960
As you walk towards it,
if the little feathers flutter

132
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,960
or the little bells tinkle,
I'll know that you're a wrong 'un,

133
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,160
a devious, untrustworthy twat.

134
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,480
Is it broken?
What?

135
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,960
What? No. It's not...
It's not broken. Obviously.

136
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,160
Well, the twat-catcher never lies.
Oh.

137
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,960
You may go about your business.

138
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,480
Oh, OK, well...

139
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:30,960
...thank you.

140
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:36,960
I mean, God, it's just so correct.
Technology, eh?

141
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:37,960
It's mental.

142
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,320
Go.

143
00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:44,960
LEGGO CLEARS THROAT

144
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,960
Interview commencing, 11:56.

145
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:50,960
Those present,
Student Officer Ryan Legland,

146
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,960
Sergeant Michael Gunn
and, er, some other people as well.

147
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:55,960
This interview is being recorded.

148
00:06:55,960 --> 00:07:00,960
Now, suspect name,
Stephanie "The Slug" Jackson.

149
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,960
You are playing with fire,
just saying.

150
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:06,960
So, Miss Jackson, how do you know
Sergeant Michael Gunn?

151
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,480
He is a fellow officer...
Mm-hm.

152
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,960
...and a friend,
which of course, you know. Hm.

153
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,960
A friend? OK. How does he treat you?

154
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,160
Oh, he's not a doctor.

155
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,320
I think the question's quite clear, actually.

156
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,960
Does he treat you the way
that you deserve to be treated?

157
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,800
Well, he's not always fully focused.

158
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:24,960
Someone who's highly attractive
and smart, witty...

159
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,960
He's not that witty...
or smart, to be honest.

160
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:28,960
Not him.

161
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,960
You.

162
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,960
I thought you said
I wasn't your type? Mm.

163
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,960
Role playing, obviously.
Oh, obviously.

164
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,960
This is the... Yeah.

165
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,960
Don't let things go quiet!

166
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,960
And remember,
anyone who says "no comment"

167
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,960
definitely has something to hide.

168
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:49,960
Continue.

169
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,960
Do you actually know what you want?

170
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,800
I wanna talk to my lawyer.

171
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,960
Your lawyer is being brutally
assaulted in a holding cell.

172
00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,960
You're a bent copper, you are.
I know my rights.

173
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,960
Right, shut it, you slug.
Call me a slug again.

174
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:05,960
THEY GIGGLE
Ow! That hit me in the face!

175
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:09,480
Click. Interview terminated, 11:57.

176
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:11,960
What's happening here?

177
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,480
BOTH: No comment.

178
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:15,960
LEGGO CHUCKLES
Right.

179
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:16,960
Up you get.

180
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,960
OK, so, er, it is time to split up.

181
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,960
Split up? You mean, we've been
together this whole time?

182
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,960
No. You and Legland.
What?

183
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,960
I'm putting you in another pairing.
But why?

184
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,960
Because you two don't work together
as a team.

185
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:32,960
You're being childish and giggly.

186
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,160
I think Leggo and I
are making headway.

187
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,960
You and Leggo can stop
making headway.

188
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,960
That doesn't make sense.
Yes, it does.

189
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:38,960
In what way?

190
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,160
In the way
that makes proper sense to people

191
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:43,800
if you know what sense it is...
that you're talking about.

192
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:45,960
Right.

193
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,960
You... Don't make any headway! OK?

194
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,800
Oh, Bob!

195
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,960
Can I have two hours for lunch?

196
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,960
Goodness me, you are a Hungry Hilda.

197
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,960
No, I'm going on a date...

198
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,960
WHISPERS:
...with Julie's ex-girlfriend.

199
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,960
Pardon?
We've hooked up on PinkCupid.

200
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,960
Goodness me. Do you...?
Do you find her attractive?

201
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:13,960
No. No!

202
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,960
No, I'm gonna worm my way
into her confidence

203
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,960
to dig up Julie's dirty laundry,
literally, if necessary.

204
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,960
And how are you going to do that?

205
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:22,960
Well, I'll walk in...
Yeah.

206
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,480
Erm, you... you be her. You be her.
Mm.

207
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,960
Mm.
Oh, there you are.

208
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,960
Hello.
Hello.

209
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,960
Martin. Me-Me-Melanie.
Melanie.

210
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,160
Erm, i-it's nice to be on a date
with you.

211
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:37,960
Oh, that sounds really nice.

212
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,960
Pardon?
Nothing. Nothing.

213
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,960
Erm, hello, Catherine.
Hello.

214
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,960
I understand you've recently been
in a six-year relationship. Yes.

215
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,960
Er, my ex, Julie,
is a p-police superintendent,

216
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,960
and she's probably very jealous
of her colleague, Bob,

217
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,800
who is also a, er, superintendent.

218
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,960
Oh, jealousy is a terrible thing,
Catherine. Yes.

219
00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,960
I wonder, is there any reason
why she might not be promoted

220
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,960
to a position of authority?

221
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,960
Well, let me have a think. Erm...

222
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,960
And then we probably kiss.

223
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,960
Yeah. Er, they'd, er...
They probably would, I imagine.

224
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,960
Erm...
HE CHUCKLES

225
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,960
Good luck. Erm, hope it goes well.
Aw.

226
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:20,800
Good luck.

227
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:27,960
And when the suspect
is being especially difficult,

228
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,160
we pull out this little baby.

229
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:30,960
I'm not a baby,
I just don't wanna do it.

230
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,960
She meant the polygraph, Paul.
No, I didn't.

231
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,960
Why can't we see you sit
in the hot-seat, ma'am?

232
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,000
Could warm your cheeks a little.

233
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:39,320
Because I'd rather slice my own head
off with a cheese wire.

234
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:40,960
OK, Huggins.

235
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,800
Er, green is for truth,
red is for a lie.

236
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,960
Are you ready?
Mm-hm.

237
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,960
Have you ever fantasised about me
in a less-than-appropriate way?

238
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,000
Erm...

239
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,960
Y-Yeah.

240
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:55,960
Of course. Everybody has.

241
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,960
That was the control question,
wasn't it, Huggins?

242
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,960
Sorry, I don't understand.

243
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:03,960
To make sure
that the machine is working.

244
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,960
OK, next question, nice and easy.

245
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,960
And remember,
this is just an exercise.

246
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:09,960
Are you a mole?

247
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,960
Erm... no.

248
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:16,960
Course not, look at you.

249
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,960
OK. Go on, join the others.
Jackson, you're up next.

250
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,960
Do you think I look like a mole?

251
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,960
Do you want to?
No.

252
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,160
Maybe it's the haircut.

253
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:28,000
You've never seen a mole before,
have you? No.

254
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:32,960
OK, Stephanie Jackson, a nice,
easy control question to start with.

255
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,960
Do you have a little twinge down
below for somebody at this college?

256
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,160
Possibly.

257
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,960
Is it one of the trainers?
Yes.

258
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:49,320
Is it one of the students?
No.

259
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:50,960
STEPH LAUGHS
NERVOUSLY

260
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,960
What? Oh, no, the thing is
th-that polygraphs are affected

261
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:56,960
by nervousness, fear, confusion.

262
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,960
Th-They don't... They don't
actually know how to differentiate

263
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:00,960
between different types of anxiety.

264
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:01,960
Mm-hm, OK. Moving on...

265
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,960
Sorry, can you just ask me
the twinge question again, please?

266
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,960
I think we've all had enough
twinging of your minge, don't you?

267
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,960
This is PAVA spray, OK?

268
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,960
I thought we were supposed
to be doing interviewing?

269
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,640
There comes a time
when the talking has to stop.

270
00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,960
And that time is pretty much right
at the start. Force the confession.

271
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,960
DAZ LAUGHS

272
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:32,640
PAVA spray is synthetic,
but it is basically pepper spray.

273
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:33,960
Oh, it must be already ground,
is it?

274
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:34,960
What?

275
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,960
Well, there can't be, like,
a grinder in the can, surely?

276
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,960
It's a jet of liquid, it's not
pepper like salt and pepper.

277
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,960
Yeah. Yeah, I... Yeah, I know.
No, you didn't.

278
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,960
BREATHLESSLY: You... You...

279
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,960
You thought it was pepper
like you sprinkle on your avocado.

280
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:50,960
Sorry, I actually didn't.

281
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,800
Yeah, you thought
you'd have to get it

282
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:53,960
about six inches
from someone's nose.

283
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,960
No, I didn't.
Make 'em sneeze a bit.

284
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,960
I'm not stupid, oh, my God.
DAZ LAUGHS

285
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,960
It was a joke.
What?

286
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,960
Is there a grinder in the can?
I mean, come on.

287
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,800
WHOOSHES, LAUGHTER
Yeah, duh.

288
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,320
Hey, don't "duh" me.

289
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:13,960
LAUGHTER STOPS
Don't.

290
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,960
Did you "duh" me?
No.

291
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,960
I was just saying Der...
mot O'Leary.

292
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:22,960
Why?
Because you really remind me of him.

293
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,960
I actually think
he's very good looking.

294
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,960
DAZ CHUCKLES
Fair enough.

295
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:32,960
This is painful.
Nice.

296
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:34,960
I will just example you
how it will be used.

297
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:40,800
An officer will adopt a good strong,
stable firing stance.

298
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,960
And I'm gonna fire it,
short, sharp bursts.

299
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:44,960
Spray!

300
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,960
Ugh, instant boner.

301
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:51,960
Urgh!

302
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,960
PAVA spray is a tactical option,

303
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,960
for instance if the subject
has got a bat in his hand.

304
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,960
Why would he have a bat in his hand?

305
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:00,960
Well, to hit ya.
Oh, right, like a big baseball bat.

306
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,960
Well, yeah.
What did you think, a ping-pong bat?

307
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,960
No, I thought you meant, like,
them bats you get in caves.

308
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,640
For fuck's sake, mate.

309
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,960
Right, who wants a go?

310
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,960
How about you, sugar tits? Have
to tell Mike he's lost his bird.

311
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,960
Clearly fancies me, don't she, eh?
DAZ LAUGHS

312
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,800
Come on, big boy.
All right, come on, then.

313
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:21,960
Smart arse.

314
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,960
Let's see how smart you are
when the action kicks off, yeah?

315
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,960
Spray the dummy.

316
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,960
GASPING
ALL: Ooh...

317
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:36,960
What you doing?
Following orders. Duh.

318
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,960
DAZ SCREAMS

319
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,960
Ooh...

320
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:42,960
Oh, shit.

321
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,960
Oh, how did it go?

322
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:49,960
Not that I am supposed to know, erm,
or am I?

323
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:50,960
I can't remember.

324
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,960
OK, Bobster.
Bobster.

325
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,960
I got her hammered,
and she was very loose-lipped,

326
00:14:56,960 --> 00:15:00,960
and horrible, and I made a list.

327
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,960
Superintendent Spry
has a sluggish bowel

328
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,960
and can go seven days
without a movement. Mm.

329
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,960
She uses the windscreen wipers
too often,

330
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,960
claps when the aeroplane lands.

331
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,960
Refused to pick up their dog's poos,

332
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,960
and lies to homeless people
about having no change.

333
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:16,960
That's a lot.

334
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,960
She came up with 93...
93!

335
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,000
...of these. At that point,
yeah, she got a bit maudlin.

336
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,960
I had to walk her home,
there were some tears, some anger.

337
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,960
Yeah.
Some fumbling with dungarees.

338
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,960
"Dungareeseses."
What is the point of them?

339
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:31,160
Now, regarding the plan to release
all of this to the public,

340
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:32,960
well, there's good news
and there's bad news.

341
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,960
Right, what's the good news?
Tend to prefer that.

342
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,960
Superintendent Spry
clearly has a vindictive streak

343
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:38,960
a mile wider
than we already thought,

344
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,960
and will stop at nothing
to get her way.

345
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,960
If I put even half of this
on social media,

346
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,480
well, she'll be cancelled.

347
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:46,960
And the bad news?

348
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,960
Superintendent Spry
clearly has a vindictive streak

349
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,960
a mile wider
than we already thought,

350
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,160
and will stop at nothing
to get her way.

351
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,480
Mm, well.

352
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,960
We'd end up as a pile
of gnawed bones.

353
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,960
I don't want to be a pile
of gnawed bones. No.

354
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,960
So... So, plan B, then?
That was plan B.

355
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,960
Plan...

356
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:02,960
COUGHS
...C?

357
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,960
Well, I suppose we just rely
on institutionalised sexism

358
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:07,960
and hope she doesn't get a promotion

359
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,960
because women are too emotional
and just generally a bit weedy.

360
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:14,640
Right, oh, well, fingers crossed.
Yeah.

361
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:19,960
GASPS

362
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,960
HEAVY BREATHING

363
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,960
GASPING, GROANING

364
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,480
If you're trying to impress me,
Daz, it's not working.

365
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,960
Right, well, it is a bit,
but it's not appropriate.

366
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,960
Ah, little bitch.

367
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:40,960
You can't talk to me like that,

368
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,960
I'm the only reason this place
doesn't fall apart.

369
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,960
Not you. Legland.
PHONE CHIMES

370
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:49,960
Oh, God, it's Catherine.
Who's Catherine?

371
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,320
Superintendent Spry's ex.

372
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:52,960
She's in love with me,

373
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,960
and she thinks we should start
a new life together in Anglesey.

374
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:57,320
Oh, Anglesey's all right.

375
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,960
It may well be, it's the other bits
I have a slight problem with.

376
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:03,960
Well, pie her off, then.
Well, I've tried hinting.

377
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,960
Say her minge stinks.
That's what I do.

378
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,960
Not with Catherine,
just in these situations generally.

379
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,960
"Catherine, this may sound strange

380
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:21,960
"as I've never been
near your nether regions, but..."

381
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:25,960
You wanted to see me,

382
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,960
and presumably
it's about arranging a threesome.

383
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,960
Ah, come in, Legland.
We have breaking news.

384
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,960
Ooh, have they released new dates
for Taylor Swift?

385
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:34,960
Here's the thing...
Yes!

386
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,960
We were OK with the cheeky chappie.
Oh, cheeky.

387
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,960
Class clown. Even the open abuse.

388
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,960
We could overlook all of that,
given your family ties.

389
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:46,960
Well, my dad does have a
fantastic paisley patterned cravat.

390
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:47,960
You found a way around us.

391
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,960
Don't tell me I've outwitted
the UK's top law enforcement duo?

392
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,960
Being a little shit
is one thing, Legland, but this -

393
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,960
this, I'm afraid, is quite another.

394
00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:00,480
OK. To be fair, I was a bit inept.
I'm not the only guilty of that.

395
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,960
Huggins isn't doing it
deliberately, though, is he?

396
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,960
Meant Bob, but whatever.
I have got ears.

397
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,960
It was assault.
There you go.

398
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:08,960
I don't want that.

399
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:12,960
If you do your job recklessly,
you put your own life in danger,

400
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,160
which personally,
I'd be quite happy about,

401
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:15,960
but more importantly,

402
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,640
you put the public
and your fellow officers at risk,

403
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,960
and that I cannot have.

404
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:22,960
What are you saying?

405
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,960
I'm saying you're out of here.

406
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:29,960
Finished. Expelled.
Seriously?

407
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,480
Oh, hang on, I can say,
"You're fired."

408
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,000
I've spoken to your parents,
they understand,

409
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,960
and they've left
it all to my discretion.

410
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:41,960
OK. Well, brilliant.

411
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,960
Look, you have made
a young boy's dream come true.

412
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,960
My pleasure.
Oh, so do we hug? Is that...?

413
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,960
No, just leave your uniform,
warrant card, kit.

414
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,960
And say your goodbyes.
Sure. Goodbye.

415
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,960
Bye.
Love you.

416
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:56,960
Love you too. No, I don't.

417
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:57,960
Oh, fucking hell, Bob.

418
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,160
What's going on? What happened?

419
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,960
I'm going.
Going home?

420
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,960
Nope. Er, yes,
but I'm not coming in tomorrow.

421
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,960
Oh, what, you got a day off?
No, I'm taking every day off.

422
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,960
Nah, you can't take every day off,
you wanker, you'll fail.

423
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,320
No, I won't fail, cos I'm no longer
taking part. You wanker.

424
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,960
But what does that mean?
It means someone who masturbates.

425
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:19,800
No, how come
you won't be taking part?

426
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,960
I'm off the training course.
It's game over.

427
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,960
Is it really?
Yep, Geeta, it is.

428
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,640
You can't just go, man, seriously.

429
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,320
Can't stand the heat
on the street, I guess.

430
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:28,960
Listen, you may have noticed,

431
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,960
I've been trying to bunk off
since day one, so...

432
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,960
Goodbye, then, man.
I'm gonna miss you.

433
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,640
Yeah, I'm gonna miss you too, man.

434
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:36,960
I won't see you.

435
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,960
Hey, look, you know,

436
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,960
maybe you can arrest me sometime
when you're qualified.

437
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:42,960
That sounds really nice.

438
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,960
Does, doesn't it?
Thanks, mate.

439
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:48,960
Well, have a good life, I suppose.
No hard feelings.

440
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:49,960
God, no.
Mm.

441
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,960
Mm. We're not so different,
you and me.

442
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,960
This is something that you
really wanna do, and I don't.

443
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,960
So, we are quite different.
Yeah.

444
00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,960
Geeta, bye.
We'll see.

445
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,960
What d'you mean, we'll see?
Right, stop it, just stop.

446
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,960
STAMMERS
You do the thing that you do...

447
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,640
I'm not doing anything.
OK.

448
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,960
Well, thank you for always being
the smartest one in the room.

449
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,320
Er, 'scuse me.

450
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:11,000
Yeah, er, sorry, no offence.

451
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,960
OK. Goodbye, then.

452
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,960
Not sure who's gonna insult me now.
I'm sure you'll find someone.

453
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:20,960
Girl like you.

454
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,960
Yeah, but no-one's quite
as obnoxious as you are, though.

455
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:25,960
No, I know.

456
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:39,960
What?

457
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:48,960
CHOKING

458
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:55,960
SIGHS

459
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:03,960
Your flies are undone.

460
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,960
Correctly operated trouser openings

461
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,960
are a sign of correctly functioning
brain, my father used to say.

462
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,960
Oh, was he in the force?
No, he was a wrestler.

463
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,960
Oh, cool.
What does your father do?

464
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,960
Mm-hm?

465
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:16,960
Your father, what does he do?
I haven't got one.

466
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,160
Mother?
No, I haven't got one.

467
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,960
Adopted?
No, nothing.

468
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,960
Well, who brought you up then,
the fairies? A she-wolf?

469
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:24,960
Just... Just me, mainly.

470
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:27,960
Ah, self-raising. Like the flour.

471
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,960
PAUL CHUCKLES
Yeah. Flour man.

472
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,960
Mm. Anyway, enough of this drivel,
places to be.

473
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,800
Of course, you're meeting
Wendy Wax at 6.30. Enjoy.

474
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,960
How the hell d'you know that?

475
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:42,160
Well, you...
You told me that, obviously.

476
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:47,480
I told one of my young male student
officers about my pubic grooming?

477
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:51,960
STAMMERS: Yeah, and that young
little officer was me.

478
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,800
Has somebody been reading my diary?

479
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,960
No. What... What's... Whose diary?

480
00:21:55,960 --> 00:22:00,960
My diary that I keep
in my private drawer in the office.

481
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,160
Ah, maybe it was... was it that...

482
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:03,960
oh, maybe it was
lying about or something?

483
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:05,960
Yeah, only it wasn't.

484
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:09,960
Well, we're gonna
have to disagree to disagree.

485
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:15,960
Question is, why would somebody
be rooting around in my drawers?

486
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,480
Do you need an answer right away?

487
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:24,960
No. You're all right, Huggins.
OK, good.

488
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,960
I've heard all I need to hear.

489
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,960
Oh, glad we sorted that out, my man.
CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

490
00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:41,960
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