1
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:06,960
Step away from the vehicle.
Piss off.

2
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,320
I'm asking you nicely,
step away from the vehicle.

3
00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:10,960
Yeah? Says who?

4
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:13,480
I'm an off-duty police officer.
Bullshit.

5
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:16,960
Well, I'm an off-duty student
officer undergoing police training,

6
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:19,960
but I have the power
to render you immobile,

7
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,960
so step away from the vehicle now,
please. No way.

8
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:25,960
My dad's away for two days, Humza.

9
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,960
Yeah, and he told me
not to let you near the big car,

10
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,800
so you can forget it.

11
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,960
So you get to drive it, and
you're younger than me. I hate you.

12
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:35,960
I hate you, and I hate
your brothers, and I hate Dad.

13
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:36,960
Well, that's hate speech.

14
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,960
Oh, I'm gonna call the police.
HE LAUGHS

15
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:40,960
Prick.

16
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:56,960
Yeah?
Ooh, Bob, sir.

17
00:00:56,960 --> 00:01:00,480
I've got an email for you from HQ
about curriculum updates.

18
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,320
Lovely, ping it over to me.
Ping!

19
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:05,960
And then a text from Amazon that
your delivery is slightly delayed

20
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:09,160
but it should be with you
on Thursday. Ping!

21
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:10,960
Actually, Melanie,
I'm gonna stop you there,

22
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:12,960
because a phone text alert

23
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,960
really isn't a ping
so much as a "ploof".

24
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:17,960
Ploof.
It's just "ploof".

25
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:18,960
Ploof.

26
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:20,960
PHONE TEXT ALERT
Yeah, like that.

27
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,960
Hm. "Hi, Dad. phone's broken,
urgently need money.

28
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,960
"Please transfer £10,000
to my friend's account."

29
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,000
Oh, my God.

30
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,960
Pretty sure you haven't got
any kids, Bob. Oh. What a relief!

31
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:33,000
And, anyway, they don't really count
until Melanie prints them out.

32
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,480
And one last one.

33
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:38,960
"ID of recruit infiltrator
will increase chances of promotion."

34
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:40,960
Ploof! No - ploof.
No, it's an email. Ping!

35
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:43,960
Thank you.
You know what this means, don't you?

36
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:45,960
Y... No.

37
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,480
Whoever's first to pluck
the stinking pair of pants

38
00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:49,960
from the bottom of the linen basket

39
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:53,960
takes prime position
at the top of the laundry pile.

40
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,960
Ping, Bob. Ping.
Ping.

41
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:56,960
SHE LAUGHS
Ping.

42
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,000
Bet your arse, ping.

43
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,960
Wow, you's like a shopkeeper, Geeta.

44
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:08,960
Who you calling a shopkeeper, Paul?
That's a can of worms.

45
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:11,960
What, they all got worms in 'em?
No, it's a energy drink, Paul.

46
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:15,320
Nitin, my eldest, got influenced
by a transgender lady off TikTok.

47
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:17,160
He's bought like a hundred of 'em.
A hundred?

48
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,960
That's loads, that's like...

49
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:20,960
hundreds.

50
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:21,960
And I'm not being funny, yeah,

51
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,960
but there's loads of perfectly nice
transgender girls at his school,

52
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,960
so why does he have
to support one off the internet

53
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,960
who's already a millionaire?

54
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:30,960
So, what, it gives you,
like, energy?

55
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,960
Ah, is this how you're gonna
get through the bleep test?

56
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,960
I'm gonna smash the shit out of it.

57
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,960
Can I borrow some?
Borrow?

58
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,960
Well, have. Knock yourself out,
there's like 76 of them at home.

59
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,960
Paul?
Nah, you're all right, Geeta.

60
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:43,960
I've got an energy allergy.

61
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:48,960
Here we go!
BLEEP

62
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,960
All right, lovely, lovely.
Move!

63
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:52,960
I see you, Simon.

64
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,960
I just wanted to say, yeah,
about last night?

65
00:02:58,960 --> 00:02:59,960
Well done. You know?

66
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,960
You got the job done,
that's the main thing.

67
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,960
Got the job done?
Yeah.

68
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,800
You know, now I'm 100% non-virgin,
no grey areas.

69
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,960
OK. Do you want me
to sign a certificate?

70
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:11,960
OK, next group, please!
Oh, that's my go. So, er...

71
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,800
Thanks for sex.
Oh, my pleasure.

72
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,480
You OK, Chabra?
Yeah, just feel a bit sick, sir.

73
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,960
You been talking to Leggo?
That does it for me.

74
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:25,960
It's OK, yeah, I don't expect
any of you to match my UK record.

75
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:26,960
HE CHUCKLES

76
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,480
You did really well, Geeta.

77
00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,960
Don't patronise me, Afia.
We all know you got ten.

78
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,960
OK, wow. Who pissed on your paratha?
Keep going!

79
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,960
Sorry, I'm just...
Perseverance!

80
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:36,960
I'm in a bit of a funny mood.

81
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:38,960
It's like...

82
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:42,320
I wanna bite someone's face off,
but I also wanna eat mud.

83
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:43,960
It's almost as if...
You've got rabies.

84
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,000
No, those are classic
pregnancy symptoms.

85
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,960
It can't be that. I mean, I don't
even know how that could happen.

86
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,960
Well, that's a great big lie
cos you've got about 20 kids.

87
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,320
Shut your fat mouth for once, OK?

88
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,960
She better have a hormonal excuse,
talking to me like that. Keep going!

89
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,640
Although she's probably too old
to get pregnant, to be fair. Yeah.

90
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,960
"She" is 42. Yeah, but old people
don't have much sex, do they?

91
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:03,960
Mm.
I'm 42.

92
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,960
And I don't want any more babies,
OK?

93
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,960
This isn't babies time,
this is Geeta time.

94
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:11,960
OK, calm down. You said it yourself,
it couldn't happen.

95
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,960
You're right, there's no way
I could be pregnant.

96
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:17,960
SHE RETCHES

97
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,960
Ugh...

98
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,960
Oh, what a shame,
that was such a nice bag.

99
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,960
Ah, you two.
A short progress report report.

100
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:34,960
Huggins, you have the mental and
physical scores of an unborn child.

101
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,960
Oh, cool.
Or even that of a lazy sperm.

102
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,320
Are you a lazy sperm?
No, sir.

103
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,960
Yours are even worse.
Thank you very much. I do try.

104
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:45,960
You are dangerously close
to finding yourself in aisle six.

105
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:49,960
The yellow sticker food aisle,
damaged food, discontinued food,

106
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,960
sell-by-date imminent,
shelf life nil.

107
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,640
Am I making myself clear?

108
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:57,000
No. You are this close
to being thrown out.

109
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,960
Ah, finally!
Not you.

110
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,960
But we're getting the same scores.

111
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,960
I'm just as useless.
Oh, dear.

112
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,960
Life just isn't fair, is it?

113
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,640
SHE MOCK-CRIES

114
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,960
Isn't she lovely?
Not really.

115
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:16,960
Hm...

116
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,960
Ah, Huggins!

117
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,160
Question for you.
Me?

118
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:23,960
What might an unconscious bias be?

119
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:28,320
OK, yeah, erm... so, it's like
when you're not being fair...

120
00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:29,960
when you're asleep.

121
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,960
You're not asleep, Huggins,
you're just unaware.

122
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,960
Oh, he's doing his best, sir.
As we all are. We all are.

123
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,960
Should we not be discussing the
central issues in this module, sir?

124
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,960
Shouldn't you be telling us
about protected characteristics?

125
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:41,960
Yes, very good, and they are?

126
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:42,960
Race.
Race.

127
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,960
Religion, sex, sexual orientation,
disabilities, it's right there.

128
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,960
Yes, let's boof. Boof, thank you.

129
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:50,960
Er, yes, they're... They're those...
They are tho...

130
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,320
There they are. There.
Mm.

131
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:54,480
Any more, from anyone?
Age.

132
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,960
Ah-ha-ha.
I knew you'd get that one.

133
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,000
CLASS GROANS
No, no, not because...

134
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,960
No, there's no reason.

135
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,960
I didn't notice whether
she's older than anybody else,

136
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,000
or indeed younger.

137
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,800
I am older. Just to be clear.

138
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,960
Pfft. Pfft.

139
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,960
Don't care. Not bothered. And, er...

140
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,640
Unconscious biases,
there are some more.

141
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:17,960
Er, pregnancy,
marriage-slash-civil partnership.

142
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,960
A bias against pregnancy?
Is that a thing?

143
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:25,480
Prejudices come in all kinds
of weird shapes and sizes.

144
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:26,960
Just like pregnancy.

145
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,960
Very insightful. I think
CID is the place for you, sir.

146
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,640
Thank you very much, yes.
Something that, erm...

147
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:33,960
Oh!

148
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,640
Hello, darlin'.

149
00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:39,640
Hey, mate. Can't say that.

150
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,960
What? I can't say hello now?

151
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,960
You can say "hello",
but you can't say "darlin' ".

152
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,960
Especially like that.
Oh, yeah?

153
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,960
Mm-hm.
And who's gonna stop me?

154
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:50,960
Mr Wokey Cokey?
Well...

155
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,160
He is.
Nothing to do with me.

156
00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:53,960
Oh. Thank you, Mike.
Well, it isn't.

157
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,960
I'm gonna nail you, my son.

158
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,960
Because do you know
what really gets on my tits?

159
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,000
Is it nipple clamps?

160
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,960
Neapolitanism.

161
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,960
Do you mean nepotism?

162
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,960
Cos if you do,
I'm telling Mummy and Daddy.

163
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,960
Oh, just leave him alone.
Oh, you what, love?

164
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,160
Do not call me love and
do not assault a student officer,

165
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,320
because I will report you
to the superintendent,

166
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:13,960
and not the idiot one.

167
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,480
As much as I want you to,
it's not worth slapping him, Daz.

168
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,960
Bang goes your probation, you'll
never get back on the streets.

169
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,960
Oh, that's the only reason
not worth slapping him?

170
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,960
Oh, yeah, and cos slapping's "bad".

171
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:25,960
Ooh.

172
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:29,960
What did we do?

173
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,320
What?
I can slap you.

174
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:37,960
I'm OK.

175
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,000
KNOCK ON DOOR
Come in!

176
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,320
Oh, I already have. Shall I, erm...?

177
00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:44,960
Oh, erm...
HE CLICKS TONGUE

178
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,960
No. No, it's fine. It's fine, yeah.

179
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,960
So, what can I diddle you for?

180
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:54,960
Oh, erm, Superintendent Spry
has asked if you could take over

181
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,960
the Just and Unjust Use of Powers
workshop with B group?

182
00:07:58,960 --> 00:07:59,960
What? I've... I've only just...

183
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,160
And she's added...
More?

184
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:04,960
"And better go in there yourself
to make sure he doesn't shit it up."

185
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:05,960
HE SIGHS

186
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,960
Right, right, er...
Is there a script?

187
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:11,960
Shall I just google "just and unjust
use of powers" and print that off?

188
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,960
Would you, Melanie? Thank you.
Yes. Go google!

189
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:16,960
Back in a jiffy.

190
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:33,480
Sir.

191
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,960
Improvise. Adapt.

192
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,160
Grapple. Throw.

193
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,960
HE YELLS

194
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:47,960
Go.

195
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,960
No, you can't throw me.

196
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,960
You're not that heavy, are you?
No.

197
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:56,960
You're what, maybe 5,000, 6,000kg?
I'm not a fucking elephant.

198
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,960
Sorry, I'm just really bad
at guessing weights. And ages.

199
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:04,800
I mean you're, what, 60 years old?
I'm 42.

200
00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,960
Oh, is that why I can't throw you?
Brittle bones. My nan has that.

201
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,640
And how old is she?
42.

202
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:12,960
Your nan is not 42.
She looks about the same age as you.

203
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,160
Yeah. No, you can't throw me.

204
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:17,960
Cos I might be pregnant.

205
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:19,960
Oh, my God, are you telling me
because I'm the father?

206
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:20,960
Have we had sex?
No.

207
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:24,960
Well, then, you can't be the father,
can you? Chabra! Grapple.

208
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,960
Well, no, I've been accused of being
a father before. By a woman.

209
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,960
Turned out she weren't pregnant,
she just caught the menopause.

210
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:32,960
Similar symptoms.
Yeah, so I believe.

211
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,960
Plus, we had bottom sex.
Has to be fanny for a baby.

212
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:36,960
OK, thank you, Dr Ranj.

213
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:41,640
What are you two schoolgirls
yacking about over there? Throw her!

214
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,960
Quick, I'm gonna lie down,
pretend you threw me.

215
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:45,960
Yes!

216
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,960
I threw her, sir.
Nice one! How did you do that?

217
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:50,960
Oh, you know, I just...

218
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:54,960
kind of tossed her up in the air,
about 50ft, 60ft.

219
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,160
He's not great with numbers, sir.

220
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,960
OK, so now I'm positive.
That you're not pregnant?

221
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,960
That I am pregnant.
Oh, no.

222
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:05,960
You don't see that as a positive?

223
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,000
No, I see it
as a great big fat negative.

224
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,800
Just look on the bright side.
There is no bright side.

225
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,160
I know,
I'm just trying to be positive.

226
00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,960
Can you stop saying "positive"?
What you gonna do with it?

227
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,160
I dunno, take it to the park, make
things out of toilet roll tubes.

228
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,960
No, I mean keep it or just flush it?

229
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:19,960
Steph!
What? I didn't...

230
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,000
I'm gonna take
the only option available to me,

231
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,960
which is to ruin my police career
before it even started.

232
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,960
Yeah. Cruelly cut short.
Nipped in the bud.

233
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,960
Suffocated at birth.
Is this you being positive again?

234
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,960
Nah, I'm just trying
to agree with you.

235
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,160
Oh, well, don't. It's depressing.

236
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,960
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.

237
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,960
I was trying to disagree
with you in case that's any better.

238
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:38,960
Well, it's not! All right?
God.

239
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:42,960
You know, I liked you better
when you weren't pregnant.

240
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,800
Me too.

241
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,960
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come.

242
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,960
I think Steph's avoiding me. Yeah?

243
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,960
Claims she was going to the loo,
but she's been in there for ages.

244
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,000
Yeah, but ladies take longer,
though, innit?

245
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,960
You know, cos they can't whip it out
and then whip it back in again.

246
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:01,960
I mean, time-wise, Dev,

247
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,960
you've gotta compare it to us
having, like, a medium poo.

248
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:09,960
No, not like me and you together,
just, like, blokes in general.

249
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:10,960
STEPH SIGHS

250
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,960
My God, two weeks into
the course and pregnant.

251
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,960
What a nightmare.
Yeah. Gutted.

252
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,800
HE GASPS

253
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,960
They ain't best pleased.
What do you mean?

254
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,320
You deep-fried the flash drive.

255
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,960
And now word is you're going
to get thrown out of here.

256
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,960
You're a liability.
What, am I gonna be OK?

257
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,960
Please say yes.
No.

258
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,800
Oh. I mean, depends whether
Roger the Scrote is full of shit.

259
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,480
But you won't know until
the tide comes in at about four.

260
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:59,160
But if he's not, you'll be hopping
around like a frog on a hot plate

261
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:02,640
until someone tells you
who knows what and when.

262
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:05,960
Either way, Roger the Scrote
says when the prune gets binned,

263
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:07,960
someone's gonna have
their eyes eaten by crabs.

264
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,960
Oh, Jesus.
Speaking of which,

265
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,960
we've got a quite nice crab linguine
cacio e pepe this afternoon.

266
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:13,960
Want me to put some aside?

267
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,800
No, you're all right, I've got...
No?

268
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:16,960
Well, no...

269
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,000
Hi, Melanie. Can I just...?

270
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,960
Oh, it's fine,
don't knock or anything.

271
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,960
It's not like
I could've been naked in here.

272
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,960
Could you have been naked in here?

273
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,960
Yes.
Right.

274
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:34,960
Well, I'm just wondering what
the procedure was if I was, er...

275
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:35,960
I was pregnant?
Oh, gosh!

276
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:36,960
SHE SIGHS HEAVILY

277
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,800
Oh, I'm sorry, is this
a difficult conversation for you?

278
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,960
Oh, no, no, it's just paperwork,
it's more paperwork, that's all.

279
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,960
Right, so I wouldn't have to leave?
Oh, no, no, you could stay here.

280
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:46,960
It's fine. And then if you pass,

281
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,960
you could delay your start as
an actual officer, and that's fine.

282
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,960
Most stations have a creche now,
so... Ah, really?

283
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,960
No, obviously!

284
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,960
Well, good to know the service
is supportive of working mothers.

285
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:57,960
"The service, the service..."

286
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:01,000
It's ME that has to jump through
all of the hoops.

287
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,160
Take these forms.

288
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:05,480
Are these all for pregnancy?
Some of them are bound to be.

289
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:06,640
SHE SIGHS

290
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:09,960
STRAINED VOICE: Don't have it.

291
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,960
What?
Nothing!

292
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,960
I don't see what the problem is.
She could just take a year off.

293
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,320
No, it's different for older women, innit?

294
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,960
Like, what's one year for us is like
five for them. It's like dog years.

295
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,800
Oh, my God.
No, I'm just saying, like...

296
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:32,960
Geeta takes too much time off,

297
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,960
when she comes back,
we're all flying about in jet packs

298
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:36,960
and half the criminals
are holograms.

299
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,960
She's gonna have to retake
all the training modules.

300
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:43,960
I want you to do a training module
on how you think time works.

301
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,960
Good afternoon.

302
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,960
Thank you, Melanie.
HE CLEARS THROAT

303
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:55,960
"With great power
comes great responsibility.

304
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,960
"Spider-Man...

305
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,960
"Sp...

306
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,960
"Spider-Man knew this,

307
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,960
"because his Uncle Ben
told him as he lay dying,

308
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:12,960
"shot by a mugger that Spider-Man
had let go earlier that very day."

309
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:13,960
Well, this is awful.

310
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,480
Actually, it could've been Aunt May
who said that

311
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,640
as she lay mortally wounded
by the Green Goblin.

312
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,960
Your Aunt May?
Spider-Man's Aunt May.

313
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:21,960
Although it depends which one.

314
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,960
Wh-Which Aunt May?
Which Spider-Man.

315
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:24,960
HE WHEEZES

316
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:28,960
What?
There's more than one Spider-Man?

317
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,000
Well, actually, sir, there's a...
Well, there's loads of them.

318
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,960
What?
Yeah.

319
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,960
HE SCOFFS

320
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:41,960
Yes!
Yes!

321
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,320
So, so, let me get this right,

322
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,160
th-the Green Goblin
who killed Tom Holland's Aunt May

323
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:52,960
was originally
in the Tobey Maguire films. Yes.

324
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,960
And the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man
appears in No Way Home,

325
00:14:56,960 --> 00:15:00,640
alongside the...
the Tom Holland Spider-Man?

326
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,960
Yes, yes.
And the Andrew Garfield Spider-Man.

327
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,960
Well, what about the...
the cartoon version?

328
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,960
Those are from the Spiderverse
films, which are separate.

329
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,960
But part of the same continuity.

330
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:12,960
Yes, but all together,
it makes up the multiverse.

331
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:13,960
CLASS CHEERS

332
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,960
I mean, just, that is...

333
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,960
I mean just wow-ee-ow-wowee.

334
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,960
Doing that.

335
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,960
Doing, er,
the power and responsibility.

336
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,960
Actually, that does about cover it.
Yeah.

337
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:30,960
Well, go on, bugger off.

338
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:33,960
Don't wanna miss your playtime
or marching practice.

339
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,480
Pretty much the same thing.

340
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,960
Did you, erm...
Did you know about the multiverse?

341
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,960
Yes, yes, I know about
the, er, multiverse, Bob.

342
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,960
I did a special course.
There's a course?

343
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:46,960
No. No, there isn't.
I'm fucking with you.

344
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,960
Oh, you've a, erm...
What?

345
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,960
Nothing.

346
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:57,960
Hey. Steph.

347
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:03,640
Can I pull you for a chat?
Yeah. Go on, then.

348
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:05,960
Nah, we need to meet somewhere.
Why can't we just talk here?

349
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,960
Cos I wouldn't be pulling you
for a chat,

350
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:08,960
I'd be joining you for a chat.
And?

351
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,320
And that's not how they do it
on Love Island. Oh, right.

352
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:12,960
Shall we meet by the fire pit?

353
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,960
Oh, is there one?
No. There isn't a terrace either.

354
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,960
That bit out there?
OK, go on, then.

355
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,960
But come in, like, five minutes.
Yeah?

356
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,960
So the other Islanders
don't get suspicious.

357
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,000
There you are.

358
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,960
Whoa, mate, you know if you cram
too much into your brain,

359
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:33,960
you know it can explode?

360
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,960
That's an old wives' tale, actually.

361
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:38,960
I'm a lazy sperm.

362
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,960
Oh, come on, Paul.
It's a term of endearment.

363
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,960
I'm done, mate,
I'm gonna be out on my elbow.

364
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,960
Arse.
No, it's true.

365
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,960
You heard her,
I'm gonna get chucked out.

366
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,000
Yeah, and I'm not.
Shit for both of us.

367
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,960
Well, my shit is bigger
than your shit.

368
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,960
Well, it's not all about size, Paul.

369
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,960
You got colour, you got texture,
you got floatability.

370
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,960
We shouldn't tell anyone this,

371
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,960
but I wanna be honest with you,
mate, about who I am.

372
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,960
Right, are you vice president
of a European Central Bank? No.

373
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,960
No, course I'm not.
Why would you think that?

374
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,960
I dunno, just...
Maybe something about your haircut.

375
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,960
Oh.

376
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:12,960
The thing is, Leggo...

377
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:20,320
...I'm too scared to be a policeman,
and I'm too scared to be...

378
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:21,480
a criminal.

379
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:22,960
HE CHUCKLES

380
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,960
Well, you know, it's not
one or the other, mate.

381
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,960
Look, there's loads of jobs
in between.

382
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,960
You've got forklift driver.
Hairdresser, nurse.

383
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,960
Right, you want my opinion?
Mm.

384
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,320
You'll make a good cop.

385
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,960
I don't wanna be a cop,
I don't wanna do any of this shit.

386
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,640
Yeah, well, me neither.

387
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,960
I guess having you here
sort of makes it a bit better.

388
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,800
Ow.
Thank you, mate.

389
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,160
What do you want?
Mm?

390
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:50,960
We're Deph.
What?

391
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:54,960
Dev and Steph, Deph.
Or Steph and Dev, Stev.

392
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,960
Probably better. And we can't
forget, there's three of us now.

393
00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,960
Yeah? Our creation.
What's happening?

394
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,960
Hey there, little guy. Little Dev.

395
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,960
Davina. Davina McCall.

396
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,960
My little baby girl-slash-boy.
Oh, what are you doing? Get off me.

397
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,960
What? I'm stepping up, man.
This is my moment.

398
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,960
I'm gonna stand by you
and the baby.

399
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,960
I'm not pregnant, for fuck's sake.

400
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:13,960
But outside the toilet,
you said that...

401
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,960
That Geeta's having a baby.
What?

402
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,640
Like a surrogate?
Oh, my God.

403
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,960
OK. All right, in a language
you're gonna understand... Yeah?

404
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:23,960
...I'm gonna recouple and I'm pieing
you off and it is what it is.

405
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,960
It is what it is?
Yes.

406
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,960
It is what it is?

407
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,960
IMITATES SPIDER-MAN

408
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,960
God, I am pooped.
Ugh.

409
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,960
No, not "I've pooped", I am pooped.
Oh, right, OK.

410
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,960
You should have the stuff Dev
and Geeta have been knocking back.

411
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,960
Here, knock yourself out.
Nitin's ordered another 500.

412
00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,960
Will it help me cope
with Dev's insanity?

413
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,960
Nothing's that powerful.
Nice if you could actually read it.

414
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,960
It's all in gibberish.
I did two years of Cantonese.

415
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,960
Was that before or after you
designed the Large Hadron Collider?

416
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:11,960
OK. It says you should
only drink one can a week. One?

417
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,960
And keep away from naked...
People?

418
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,640
Oh, no, it's actually flames.
Oh, OK.

419
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:19,000
Erm...
The name translates as Slim Tool.

420
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,960
Slim Tool? Yeah, they named a drink
after you. How cool is that?

421
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,960
Well, actually,
that is my porn name. Erm...

422
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:27,960
Diet-aid drink contains HCG.

423
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,960
Oh, my God, Geeta.
SHE SPEAKS CANTONESE

424
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,960
Come again?
SHE REPEATS WORD

425
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:33,960
That's a pregnancy hormone.

426
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,960
OK, I never thought I'd say this,
but...

427
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,320
I need Dev right now.

428
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,960
Have you got the spare test?
Oh, erm, yes.

429
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,960
Good luck. Oi, you lot.
Have you seen Dev anywhere?

430
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:53,960
Erm, look, you know how yesterday,
I called you basic and desperate?

431
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,960
Did you?
Well, maybe, but I dunno, didn't...

432
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:59,480
I don't care. Doesn't bother me
at all. I don't care.

433
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:03,960
Well, I think it did, erm...
So, I wanna say that I'm sorry.

434
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:04,960
It was unfair.

435
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,960
All right, well...

436
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:10,960
I'm also sorry for calling you
an annoying little fucking dickhead.

437
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,160
HE SCOFFS

438
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:13,960
OK, you didn't say that, did you?

439
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,640
Really?
Maybe I didn't say it out loud.

440
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,960
Well, in that case,
I am sorry for thinking it.

441
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,640
Mm. Well, apology accepted.

442
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,800
Slim Tool?
Mm.

443
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,960
I'm gonna catch
this bastard gate-crasher,

444
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,960
and I'm gonna throw them out
on their cocky little arse.

445
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,960
That's the spirit.

446
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:45,480
Actually, no.
Bosoms, I was gonna do that.

447
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:46,960
Jesus, Bob.

448
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,960
You don't stand
a cat in hell's chance

449
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,320
of taking over from Cunningham.

450
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:53,960
I think you'll find this old cat
will do rather well in hell.

451
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,960
Mm, putting yourself
in the firing line,

452
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:59,960
just when old white men
are nobody's favourite demographic.

453
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,960
I don't wanna alarm you, Bob,

454
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,960
but they will be asking
what you have to offer.

455
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:06,960
I think you'll find I've...

456
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,640
Commendation.
I've got...

457
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:09,960
I've got accommodation.

458
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:10,960
Commendation.
Commendation.

459
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:11,960
So do I.

460
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,960
Don't know if I ever mentioned it.
Yes, you have mentioned it.

461
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:18,960
It involved a, er, crack den fire,
and then a rescue.

462
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:22,960
Yes, mine was also rescue-based,
but it involved a freezing river.

463
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,800
What did you rescue, Bob?
Babies.

464
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,960
Ooh!
Two babies. 14 months apart.

465
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,000
They did say I would've got
a promotion there and then,

466
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,960
had they been twins...

467
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,800
But, you know, gotta work
with what you're given, so...

468
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:35,960
What did you rescue, Julie?

469
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:38,960
A dog. But the ceremony
was a really big deal,

470
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,800
and though the dog
was the guest of honour,

471
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,480
I was very much
the centre of attention.

472
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:45,160
And what happened
after the ceremony?

473
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,800
I ran over the dog.
Oh...

474
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,960
Which is exactly the kind of thing

475
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,960
I will be allowed to do
on a regular basis

476
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,960
once I am Chief Superintendent.

477
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,960
Well done, me.
Mm.

478
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,960
Did you tell him
why he has to pee on the stick?

479
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,160
No, I didn't wanna
blind him with science.

480
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:12,960
Wouldn't take much, to be fair.

481
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,480
DEV: Oh, fuck!

482
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,960
Look, Geeta, look.

483
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,960
SHE GASPS
It's positive.

484
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:20,960
Yay!
Oh, get in.

485
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,960
Stop celebrating.
We're both pregnant.

486
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,960
And I can't have a baby.
No, you really can't.

487
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:28,000
I can't believe
there's even a chance

488
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,960
they might put you on the streets.
In my condition!

489
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:31,960
Dev, you're not pregnant.

490
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:33,960
I hope not, man, I'm so stressed.

491
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:37,960
I mean, I've only done it once.
How fucking unlucky would that be?

492
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:38,960
Look!
Get it away.

493
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,000
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