Step away from the vehicle. Piss off.
I'm asking you nicely, step away from the vehicle.
Yeah? Says who?
I'm an off-duty police officer. Bullshit.
Well, I'm an off-duty student officer undergoing police training,
but I have the power to render you immobile,
so step away from the vehicle now, please. No way.
My dad's away for two days, Humza.
Yeah, and he told me not to let you near the big car,
so you can forget it.
So you get to drive it, and you're younger than me. I hate you.
I hate you, and I hate your brothers, and I hate Dad.
Well, that's hate speech.
Oh, I'm gonna call the police. HE LAUGHS
Prick.
Yeah? Ooh, Bob, sir.
I've got an email for you from HQ about curriculum updates.
Lovely, ping it over to me. Ping!
And then a text from Amazon that your delivery is slightly delayed
but it should be with you on Thursday. Ping!
Actually, Melanie, I'm gonna stop you there,
because a phone text alert
really isn't a ping so much as a "ploof".
Ploof. It's just "ploof".
Ploof.
PHONE TEXT ALERT Yeah, like that.
Hm. "Hi, Dad. phone's broken, urgently need money.
"Please transfer £10,000 to my friend's account."
Oh, my God.
Pretty sure you haven't got any kids, Bob. Oh. What a relief!
And, anyway, they don't really count until Melanie prints them out.
And one last one.
"ID of recruit infiltrator will increase chances of promotion."
Ploof! No - ploof. No, it's an email. Ping!
Thank you. You know what this means, don't you?
Y... No.
Whoever's first to pluck the stinking pair of pants
from the bottom of the linen basket
takes prime position at the top of the laundry pile.
Ping, Bob. Ping. Ping.
SHE LAUGHS Ping.
Bet your arse, ping.
Wow, you's like a shopkeeper, Geeta.
Who you calling a shopkeeper, Paul? That's a can of worms.
What, they all got worms in 'em? No, it's a energy drink, Paul.
Nitin, my eldest, got influenced by a transgender lady off TikTok.
He's bought like a hundred of 'em. A hundred?
That's loads, that's like...
hundreds.
And I'm not being funny, yeah,
but there's loads of perfectly nice transgender girls at his school,
so why does he have to support one off the internet
who's already a millionaire?
So, what, it gives you, like, energy?
Ah, is this how you're gonna get through the bleep test?
I'm gonna smash the shit out of it.
Can I borrow some? Borrow?
Well, have. Knock yourself out, there's like 76 of them at home.
Paul? Nah, you're all right, Geeta.
I've got an energy allergy.
Here we go! BLEEP
All right, lovely, lovely. Move!
I see you, Simon.
I just wanted to say, yeah, about last night?
Well done. You know?
You got the job done, that's the main thing.
Got the job done? Yeah.
You know, now I'm 100% non-virgin, no grey areas.
OK. Do you want me to sign a certificate?
OK, next group, please! Oh, that's my go. So, er...
Thanks for sex. Oh, my pleasure.
You OK, Chabra? Yeah, just feel a bit sick, sir.
You been talking to Leggo? That does it for me.
It's OK, yeah, I don't expect any of you to match my UK record.
HE CHUCKLES
You did really well, Geeta.
Don't patronise me, Afia. We all know you got ten.
OK, wow. Who pissed on your paratha? Keep going!
Sorry, I'm just... Perseverance!
I'm in a bit of a funny mood.
It's like...
I wanna bite someone's face off, but I also wanna eat mud.
It's almost as if... You've got rabies.
No, those are classic pregnancy symptoms.
It can't be that. I mean, I don't even know how that could happen.
Well, that's a great big lie cos you've got about 20 kids.
Shut your fat mouth for once, OK?
She better have a hormonal excuse, talking to me like that. Keep going!
Although she's probably too old to get pregnant, to be fair. Yeah.
"She" is 42. Yeah, but old people don't have much sex, do they?
Mm. I'm 42.
And I don't want any more babies, OK?
This isn't babies time, this is Geeta time.
OK, calm down. You said it yourself, it couldn't happen.
You're right, there's no way I could be pregnant.
SHE RETCHES
Ugh...
Oh, what a shame, that was such a nice bag.
Ah, you two. A short progress report report.
Huggins, you have the mental and physical scores of an unborn child.
Oh, cool. Or even that of a lazy sperm.
Are you a lazy sperm? No, sir.
Yours are even worse. Thank you very much. I do try.
You are dangerously close to finding yourself in aisle six.
The yellow sticker food aisle, damaged food, discontinued food,
sell-by-date imminent, shelf life nil.
Am I making myself clear?
No. You are this close to being thrown out.
Ah, finally! Not you.
But we're getting the same scores.
I'm just as useless. Oh, dear.
Life just isn't fair, is it?
SHE MOCK-CRIES
Isn't she lovely? Not really.
Hm...
Ah, Huggins!
Question for you. Me?
What might an unconscious bias be?
OK, yeah, erm... so, it's like when you're not being fair...
when you're asleep.
You're not asleep, Huggins, you're just unaware.
Oh, he's doing his best, sir. As we all are. We all are.
Should we not be discussing the central issues in this module, sir?
Shouldn't you be telling us about protected characteristics?
Yes, very good, and they are?
Race. Race.
Religion, sex, sexual orientation, disabilities, it's right there.
Yes, let's boof. Boof, thank you.
Er, yes, they're... They're those... They are tho...
There they are. There. Mm.
Any more, from anyone? Age.
Ah-ha-ha. I knew you'd get that one.
CLASS GROANS No, no, not because...
No, there's no reason.
I didn't notice whether she's older than anybody else,
or indeed younger.
I am older. Just to be clear.
Pfft. Pfft.
Don't care. Not bothered. And, er...
Unconscious biases, there are some more.
Er, pregnancy, marriage-slash-civil partnership.
A bias against pregnancy? Is that a thing?
Prejudices come in all kinds of weird shapes and sizes.
Just like pregnancy.
Very insightful. I think CID is the place for you, sir.
Thank you very much, yes. Something that, erm...
Oh!
Hello, darlin'.
Hey, mate. Can't say that.
What? I can't say hello now?
You can say "hello", but you can't say "darlin' ".
Especially like that. Oh, yeah?
Mm-hm. And who's gonna stop me?
Mr Wokey Cokey? Well...
He is. Nothing to do with me.
Oh. Thank you, Mike. Well, it isn't.
I'm gonna nail you, my son.
Because do you know what really gets on my tits?
Is it nipple clamps?
Neapolitanism.
Do you mean nepotism?
Cos if you do, I'm telling Mummy and Daddy.
Oh, just leave him alone. Oh, you what, love?
Do not call me love and do not assault a student officer,
because I will report you to the superintendent,
and not the idiot one.
As much as I want you to, it's not worth slapping him, Daz.
Bang goes your probation, you'll never get back on the streets.
Oh, that's the only reason not worth slapping him?
Oh, yeah, and cos slapping's "bad".
Ooh.
What did we do?
What? I can slap you.
I'm OK.
KNOCK ON DOOR Come in!
Oh, I already have. Shall I, erm...?
Oh, erm... HE CLICKS TONGUE
No. No, it's fine. It's fine, yeah.
So, what can I diddle you for?
Oh, erm, Superintendent Spry has asked if you could take over
the Just and Unjust Use of Powers workshop with B group?
What? I've... I've only just...
And she's added... More?
"And better go in there yourself to make sure he doesn't shit it up."
HE SIGHS
Right, right, er... Is there a script?
Shall I just google "just and unjust use of powers" and print that off?
Would you, Melanie? Thank you. Yes. Go google!
Back in a jiffy.
Sir.
Improvise. Adapt.
Grapple. Throw.
HE YELLS
Go.
No, you can't throw me.
You're not that heavy, are you? No.
You're what, maybe 5,000, 6,000kg? I'm not a fucking elephant.
Sorry, I'm just really bad at guessing weights. And ages.
I mean you're, what, 60 years old? I'm 42.
Oh, is that why I can't throw you? Brittle bones. My nan has that.
And how old is she? 42.
Your nan is not 42. She looks about the same age as you.
Yeah. No, you can't throw me.
Cos I might be pregnant.
Oh, my God, are you telling me because I'm the father?
Have we had sex? No.
Well, then, you can't be the father, can you? Chabra! Grapple.
Well, no, I've been accused of being a father before. By a woman.
Turned out she weren't pregnant, she just caught the menopause.
Similar symptoms. Yeah, so I believe.
Plus, we had bottom sex. Has to be fanny for a baby.
OK, thank you, Dr Ranj.
What are you two schoolgirls yacking about over there? Throw her!
Quick, I'm gonna lie down, pretend you threw me.
Yes!
I threw her, sir. Nice one! How did you do that?
Oh, you know, I just...
kind of tossed her up in the air, about 50ft, 60ft.
He's not great with numbers, sir.
OK, so now I'm positive. That you're not pregnant?
That I am pregnant. Oh, no.
You don't see that as a positive?
No, I see it as a great big fat negative.
Just look on the bright side. There is no bright side.
I know, I'm just trying to be positive.
Can you stop saying "positive"? What you gonna do with it?
I dunno, take it to the park, make things out of toilet roll tubes.
No, I mean keep it or just flush it?
Steph! What? I didn't...
I'm gonna take the only option available to me,
which is to ruin my police career before it even started.
Yeah. Cruelly cut short. Nipped in the bud.
Suffocated at birth. Is this you being positive again?
Nah, I'm just trying to agree with you.
Oh, well, don't. It's depressing.
No, it's not. Yes, it is.
I was trying to disagree with you in case that's any better.
Well, it's not! All right? God.
You know, I liked you better when you weren't pregnant.
Me too.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come.
I think Steph's avoiding me. Yeah?
Claims she was going to the loo, but she's been in there for ages.
Yeah, but ladies take longer, though, innit?
You know, cos they can't whip it out and then whip it back in again.
I mean, time-wise, Dev,
you've gotta compare it to us having, like, a medium poo.
No, not like me and you together, just, like, blokes in general.
STEPH SIGHS
My God, two weeks into the course and pregnant.
What a nightmare. Yeah. Gutted.
HE GASPS
They ain't best pleased. What do you mean?
You deep-fried the flash drive.
And now word is you're going to get thrown out of here.
You're a liability. What, am I gonna be OK?
Please say yes. No.
Oh. I mean, depends whether Roger the Scrote is full of shit.
But you won't know until the tide comes in at about four.
But if he's not, you'll be hopping around like a frog on a hot plate
until someone tells you who knows what and when.
Either way, Roger the Scrote says when the prune gets binned,
someone's gonna have their eyes eaten by crabs.
Oh, Jesus. Speaking of which,
we've got a quite nice crab linguine cacio e pepe this afternoon.
Want me to put some aside?
No, you're all right, I've got... No?
Well, no...
Hi, Melanie. Can I just...?
Oh, it's fine, don't knock or anything.
It's not like I could've been naked in here.
Could you have been naked in here?
Yes. Right.
Well, I'm just wondering what the procedure was if I was, er...
I was pregnant? Oh, gosh!
SHE SIGHS HEAVILY
Oh, I'm sorry, is this a difficult conversation for you?
Oh, no, no, it's just paperwork, it's more paperwork, that's all.
Right, so I wouldn't have to leave? Oh, no, no, you could stay here.
It's fine. And then if you pass,
you could delay your start as an actual officer, and that's fine.
Most stations have a creche now, so... Ah, really?
No, obviously!
Well, good to know the service is supportive of working mothers.
"The service, the service..."
It's ME that has to jump through all of the hoops.
Take these forms.
Are these all for pregnancy? Some of them are bound to be.
SHE SIGHS
STRAINED VOICE: Don't have it.
What? Nothing!
I don't see what the problem is. She could just take a year off.
No, it's different for older women, innit?
Like, what's one year for us is like five for them. It's like dog years.
Oh, my God. No, I'm just saying, like...
Geeta takes too much time off,
when she comes back, we're all flying about in jet packs
and half the criminals are holograms.
She's gonna have to retake all the training modules.
I want you to do a training module on how you think time works.
Good afternoon.
Thank you, Melanie. HE CLEARS THROAT
"With great power comes great responsibility.
"Spider-Man...
"Sp...
"Spider-Man knew this,
"because his Uncle Ben told him as he lay dying,
"shot by a mugger that Spider-Man had let go earlier that very day."
Well, this is awful.
Actually, it could've been Aunt May who said that
as she lay mortally wounded by the Green Goblin.
Your Aunt May? Spider-Man's Aunt May.
Although it depends which one.
Wh-Which Aunt May? Which Spider-Man.
HE WHEEZES
What? There's more than one Spider-Man?
Well, actually, sir, there's a... Well, there's loads of them.
What? Yeah.
HE SCOFFS
Yes! Yes!
So, so, let me get this right,
th-the Green Goblin who killed Tom Holland's Aunt May
was originally in the Tobey Maguire films. Yes.
And the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man appears in No Way Home,
alongside the... the Tom Holland Spider-Man?
Yes, yes. And the Andrew Garfield Spider-Man.
Well, what about the... the cartoon version?
Those are from the Spiderverse films, which are separate.
But part of the same continuity.
Yes, but all together, it makes up the multiverse.
CLASS CHEERS
I mean, just, that is...
I mean just wow-ee-ow-wowee.
Doing that.
Doing, er, the power and responsibility.
Actually, that does about cover it. Yeah.
Well, go on, bugger off.
Don't wanna miss your playtime or marching practice.
Pretty much the same thing.
Did you, erm... Did you know about the multiverse?
Yes, yes, I know about the, er, multiverse, Bob.
I did a special course. There's a course?
No. No, there isn't. I'm fucking with you.
Oh, you've a, erm... What?
Nothing.
Hey. Steph.
Can I pull you for a chat? Yeah. Go on, then.
Nah, we need to meet somewhere. Why can't we just talk here?
Cos I wouldn't be pulling you for a chat,
I'd be joining you for a chat. And?
And that's not how they do it on Love Island. Oh, right.
Shall we meet by the fire pit?
Oh, is there one? No. There isn't a terrace either.
That bit out there? OK, go on, then.
But come in, like, five minutes. Yeah?
So the other Islanders don't get suspicious.
There you are.
Whoa, mate, you know if you cram too much into your brain,
you know it can explode?
That's an old wives' tale, actually.
I'm a lazy sperm.
Oh, come on, Paul. It's a term of endearment.
I'm done, mate, I'm gonna be out on my elbow.
Arse. No, it's true.
You heard her, I'm gonna get chucked out.
Yeah, and I'm not. Shit for both of us.
Well, my shit is bigger than your shit.
Well, it's not all about size, Paul.
You got colour, you got texture, you got floatability.
We shouldn't tell anyone this,
but I wanna be honest with you, mate, about who I am.
Right, are you vice president of a European Central Bank? No.
No, course I'm not. Why would you think that?
I dunno, just... Maybe something about your haircut.
Oh.
The thing is, Leggo...
...I'm too scared to be a policeman, and I'm too scared to be...
a criminal.
HE CHUCKLES
Well, you know, it's not one or the other, mate.
Look, there's loads of jobs in between.
You've got forklift driver. Hairdresser, nurse.
Right, you want my opinion? Mm.
You'll make a good cop.
I don't wanna be a cop, I don't wanna do any of this shit.
Yeah, well, me neither.
I guess having you here sort of makes it a bit better.
Ow. Thank you, mate.
What do you want? Mm?
We're Deph. What?
Dev and Steph, Deph. Or Steph and Dev, Stev.
Probably better. And we can't forget, there's three of us now.
Yeah? Our creation. What's happening?
Hey there, little guy. Little Dev.
Davina. Davina McCall.
My little baby girl-slash-boy. Oh, what are you doing? Get off me.
What? I'm stepping up, man. This is my moment.
I'm gonna stand by you and the baby.
I'm not pregnant, for fuck's sake.
But outside the toilet, you said that...
That Geeta's having a baby. What?
Like a surrogate? Oh, my God.
OK. All right, in a language you're gonna understand... Yeah?
...I'm gonna recouple and I'm pieing you off and it is what it is.
It is what it is? Yes.
It is what it is?
IMITATES SPIDER-MAN
God, I am pooped. Ugh.
No, not "I've pooped", I am pooped. Oh, right, OK.
You should have the stuff Dev and Geeta have been knocking back.
Here, knock yourself out. Nitin's ordered another 500.
Will it help me cope with Dev's insanity?
Nothing's that powerful. Nice if you could actually read it.
It's all in gibberish. I did two years of Cantonese.
Was that before or after you designed the Large Hadron Collider?
OK. It says you should only drink one can a week. One?
And keep away from naked... People?
Oh, no, it's actually flames. Oh, OK.
Erm... The name translates as Slim Tool.
Slim Tool? Yeah, they named a drink after you. How cool is that?
Well, actually, that is my porn name. Erm...
Diet-aid drink contains HCG.
Oh, my God, Geeta. SHE SPEAKS CANTONESE
Come again? SHE REPEATS WORD
That's a pregnancy hormone.
OK, I never thought I'd say this, but...
I need Dev right now.
Have you got the spare test? Oh, erm, yes.
Good luck. Oi, you lot. Have you seen Dev anywhere?
Erm, look, you know how yesterday, I called you basic and desperate?
Did you? Well, maybe, but I dunno, didn't...
I don't care. Doesn't bother me at all. I don't care.
Well, I think it did, erm... So, I wanna say that I'm sorry.
It was unfair.
All right, well...
I'm also sorry for calling you an annoying little fucking dickhead.
HE SCOFFS
OK, you didn't say that, did you?
Really? Maybe I didn't say it out loud.
Well, in that case, I am sorry for thinking it.
Mm. Well, apology accepted.
Slim Tool? Mm.
I'm gonna catch this bastard gate-crasher,
and I'm gonna throw them out on their cocky little arse.
That's the spirit.
Actually, no. Bosoms, I was gonna do that.
Jesus, Bob.
You don't stand a cat in hell's chance
of taking over from Cunningham.
I think you'll find this old cat will do rather well in hell.
Mm, putting yourself in the firing line,
just when old white men are nobody's favourite demographic.
I don't wanna alarm you, Bob,
but they will be asking what you have to offer.
I think you'll find I've...
Commendation. I've got...
I've got accommodation.
Commendation. Commendation.
So do I.
Don't know if I ever mentioned it. Yes, you have mentioned it.
It involved a, er, crack den fire, and then a rescue.
Yes, mine was also rescue-based, but it involved a freezing river.
What did you rescue, Bob? Babies.
Ooh! Two babies. 14 months apart.
They did say I would've got a promotion there and then,
had they been twins...
But, you know, gotta work with what you're given, so...
What did you rescue, Julie?
A dog. But the ceremony was a really big deal,
and though the dog was the guest of honour,
I was very much the centre of attention.
And what happened after the ceremony?
I ran over the dog. Oh...
Which is exactly the kind of thing
I will be allowed to do on a regular basis
once I am Chief Superintendent.
Well done, me. Mm.
Did you tell him why he has to pee on the stick?
No, I didn't wanna blind him with science.
Wouldn't take much, to be fair.
DEV: Oh, fuck!
Look, Geeta, look.
SHE GASPS It's positive.
Yay! Oh, get in.
Stop celebrating. We're both pregnant.
And I can't have a baby. No, you really can't.
I can't believe there's even a chance
they might put you on the streets. In my condition!
Dev, you're not pregnant.
I hope not, man, I'm so stressed.
I mean, I've only done it once. How fucking unlucky would that be?
Look! Get it away.
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