It's so obvious he wants to get back with me.
You can tell by the fact he doesn't say it.
I mean, he's just confused.
I'm doing what any normal person would do
by giving him another chance.
I mean, what woman in the world wouldn't get a job
where the person who loves her works
just so she can make sure he saw her face every day?
Answer me that.
Again, if you could just follow the road
until I or the road signs tell you differently. Fine.
Can we drive past his house
so we can make sure he's home and alone? No.
I'm paying for these lessons, so we are doing a drive-by.
For God's sake.
How's my hair look?
Oh, it's a magnificent sight.
So many fond memories of being issued my first uniform.
And as I slipped the custodian's helmet
over my once luxuriant locks,
I... I felt like a... a newly crowned king.
I can just see you back then,
proudly displaying your helmet for all to see. Yeah.
Halcyon days. Tit-head.
Beg pardon? The helmet.
It's what my dad used to call them.
Well, he sounds like an utter twat. No offence.
Hmm.
I don't think I've ever, ever been this happy.
I mean, you must feel the power now, right?
Just a uniform. How can you say that?
Cos it's true. AFIA SIGHS
It's no different to the dinner lady's tabard I used to wear.
No-one's gonna be scared of a dinner lady, Geeta.
AFIA CHUCKLES
DOOR SHUTS
Put the gun down and step away from the vehicle, you little bitch!
Yeah!
LEGGO: Wow-ee! STEPH: Oh, my God.
I look like a prick. No, you actually look quite cool.
I think I'm gonna wear mine to bed. DEV: Oi, oi.
MUTED LAUGHTER Hey.
What have you done? What?
You know. Oh, yes. OK.
Yeah, I took my measurements in a bit,
but I thought that's what everyone did.
Plus, I want it to look a bit more cinched.
There's cinched and then there's crunched.
Oh, I can actually see the outline of your, you know.
Baloney pony.
Yeah, see, what I would've done, Dev,
is I would've got my baloney pony,
pulled it up from the base, obviously, folded it so it's flat,
like a paper aeroplane pre-flight, tucked it underneath the waistband,
and, voila, that is Bob, your uncle.
Dev, if you actually do keep wearing those trousers,
you will never be able to have kids.
Lucky bastard.
Yeah, you're waddling, Dev, like a duck.
AFIA LAUGHS
You know, if you bend over,
all of us are gonna get to see your little starfish.
That's right, yeah? Everyone pick on the virgin...
LAUGHTER FADES
...is what you'd be doing if there were one of those here. Hm.
Wow. What?
Oh, it's just you said we was picking on you
because you's a virgin.
Yeah, you don't exactly give off virgin-y vibes, Dev. No.
You talk about sex all the time.
What I meant was, it's kind of a grey area.
It shouldn't be grey, Dev. No, no, no. It's the right colour.
Well, whatever colour it is, it's none of our business, is it?
Yep. LEGGO: Right.
To be honest, yeah, I just don't know
if I have actually properly done it or not. Mm.
The jury's out...
...in one of the strangest courtroom battles in legal history.
So, this is how we strip you of your individuality,
how we homogenise, emulsifying the fat droplets
so the cream doesn't separate from the milk.
So that nobody stands out from the...
Christ on a bike. Sorry, Ma'am.
Er, there was a mistake with the measurements I made.
Who'd you measure, Kylie Minogue? GASPING LAUGH
No, Ma'am. I measured me.
Right.
Now, then, I'm sure one or two of you -
not you, Hanzel, obviously -
but I'm sure one or two of you is thinking, "Ooh...
"might wanna take this bad boy home.
"Try it out a bit." Hmm? "Settle into it."
And do you know what? That's not against the rules. Oh!
Maybe your friend's having a fancy-dress party.
Yes! Helen! Lend it to your friend Helen.
She's about your size.
No, my friend Helen's actually taller than me.
Helen thinks, "Oh, this is great!"
Starts bossing people around a bit for a giggle.
Everybody's into it. My Helen's quite introverted.
I think this is a different Helen.
And then this Helen... Oh!
...notices that the wine is running low,
so she pops to the offie.
But, oh, no! There's a holdup.
And when the guy with the balaclava
and the machete sees Helen, he panics.
Because Helen hasn't been trained, she doesn't know what to do.
So the guy hacks Helen's arm clean off.
Helen reels back, her blood gushing over the Wotsits,
the Quavers, and the pickled onion Monster Munch.
Before the paramedics can get there...
...Helen has bled out...
...all over the uniform her mate lent her for a laugh.
She's dead. Oh.
And there's nothing you can do about it.
So, what do we think about that?
That's made me feel quite peckish. I could murder some Wotsits.
TEARFULLY: Oh, Helen. You were so young.
HE SOBS What have I done?!
Chief Superintendent Bob Weekes, Head of Training.
Yes. Chief Superintendent Bob Weekes speaking.
PHONE RINGS
Right.
So...
I had the massive weight problem, yeah? And so did she.
And so when we tried to do it,
it was hard to tell which bit was in and which bit was out.
Like, I-I-I didn't know if I was in the right crease.
And so it's possible that I might still be a virgin.
And I'd appreciate it if you got all the way off my back about it, right?
It's all cool. Look...
I didn't pop my cherry until I was 21.
And that was a disaster. All right, yeah.
Yeah? Yeah, cool.
Good man.
Does anyone want a cocky - er, coffee?
No, I'm good. No. No, thanks.
21?
15. With a supply teacher.
Oh, my God. Were you actually being nice?
Yeah, cos I was doing her a favour. Proper munter, she was.
And he's back. Yeah.
Cocky?
Right!
Yeah, you almost look like police officers,
which means...
Jesus Christ, what have you come as?
Er, don't know, Sergeant.
The whole point of a uniform is that we're the same. OK?
We're not individuals any more. All right. So, what are we?
Not individuals any more. Well, yeah.
Which means we're what? A battalion.
No. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
When we're all on the same side, what are we?
Friends. More than that.
Lovers. Hmm.
We're all going to work together as a...
...socialist collective. All right!
Shut it! What is there no "I" in?
Cabbage! What?
Mouse. Table lamp. Mercedes.
Sperm? Jesus! What are Arsenal?!
The Gunners. Are we Gunners now?
They're a team. They're a team.
There's no "I" in team. ALL: Oh!
There's no "I" in team! HE LAUGHS
Argh! What did I do to deserve this fucking team, eh?
One tiny little indiscretion on the streets.
No-one died.
OK, so, technically someone did.
HE WHINGES Shit happens, yeah? Get a life!
Wankers!
Who's that? Well, that's Mike.
Yes, thank you, Paul. Who's he talking to?
Oh, that's Steph. She's Steph A and you're Steph B.
Wow, another Steph? Mm.
Wait, hang on. Why is she Steph A? I should be Steph A.
You know, she's... she's a little bit more...
A little bit more what? More hotter.
And a bit more brighter. And a bit floatier.
No. No, no, no. I'm not having that.
Actually, who... Sorry, who decided that?
Nature. I should be Steph A.
Just... can you just change us?
She's already Steph A on Insta. Look. Bullshit.
No, I'm Steph A and she's Steph B. Just switch it.
I don't think you can self-identify another person on their behalf.
And logistically, it would require emails,
face-to-faces, forms being signed.
I want to be Steph A,
and I will literally, physically be sick
if I have to be Steph B.
That was very Steph B of you.
WEEKES SNIFFS, COUGHS
So, leg, shoulders, and then body weight, yeah?
Now, this hold only hurts the assailant if they move, yeah?
Why don't you try moving, Dev? I don't want to.
Well, just... just wiggle a bit. I don't wanna get hurt.
Plus, this uniform's way too tight to wiggle in.
I'll do it. I'll wiggle. Yeah, course you will.
Er, nah. Nah, nah, nah, I think everyone gets the idea.
Yeah, I think everyone gets the idea.
I don't get the idea. Right.
PAUL: I'm not 100%. AFIA: Same.
I'm actually... I'm OK with the wiggling.
Some Stephs might not be, but I am. MIKE SIGHS
OK, so, get down.
This is how I ended up with four kids.
Now, once you have the assailant on the ground,
you position your leg between their leg, yeah?
And then you engage the shoulder lock,
and you use your body weight to pin them to the floor. Yeah?
Do you want me to... wiggle?
Er... yeah.
Oh. All right, so...
as you can see, I'm able to keep her still
and keep us both safe from any injuries, yeah?
Well, she's not exactly fighting back, is she?
Yeah, well, if she does try and thrash about,
it'll hurt her more than it hurts me, yeah?
She is unable to... Oh!
APPLAUSE
You taught me that on our first date.
CHEERING PAUL: Bravo.
So... obviously, don't clap the criminal, please.
Psst! Oh.
You're never gonna guess what.
I found Superintendent Spry's diary. Look.
"Monday, dump Tiny Tits Leslie.
"Tuesday, file report on moronic recruit."
I mean, it's probably Dev, bless him.
Is this relevant, Paul? Wait.
"Six thirty, Wednesday, Wendy wax." Well, who's she?
A wendy's not a who, it's a what. Well, what is it?
Put it this way - I've got one, you haven't.
Oh!
So, is it an air fryer?
Ow! Where's the flash drive, Paul?
I couldn't find it.
You failed? No, no.
I mean, just call it a practice run.
Look, Daz walked in,
I had to put the diary down my pants,
and he thought I was wanking.
Go do it for real.
What, the wanking? No!
Put the diary back before she sees it's missing.
And go find the bloody flash drive. OK.
Just go.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Well, you're doing something.
W-Well, I'm in love with you, so I was leaving you a card.
Where's... So, where... where's the card?
In my mind. I beg your pardon?
D-Dear Bob, when I...
when I say that I love you, I mean it from the heart.
A-And, you know, I want you, Bob. I want... I want every inch of you.
I want every, you know, nook and cranny and... Yeah.
Let me just stop you there.
Erm, I'm... I'm... I'm touched that you feel like this.
And in many ways,
I'm surprised something similar hasn't happened before.
However, I'm not a fool, er, you know.
And all the business with the card in the head,
it... it smelt a bit fishy.
So, I'd like to know what's really going on.
HE CLICKS TONGUE
TikTok office dance trend.
Er, yeah, so...
Yes? Yeah, so, if you just wanna...
Oh. There's a...
Oh!
Hey, Aunty Nooch, I got it! I got the flash drive.
Well done, Paulie.
You thought I was gonna mess up again, didn't you?
But look at me now. Where's the brown sauce?
What was that? Erm, chips.
What do you mean, chips? What do I mean?
Couple of his chips were underdone. Popped 'em back in the fryer.
Yeah, they were actually... They were pretty raw, actually.
You're pretty raw, Huggins. Shall I pop you in the fryer?
GASPING LAUGH No, pl-please not, Ma'am.
Bring me some brown sauce, will you?
And I don't mean a little handful of them plastic condoms.
I want a jeroboam.
I shall be sat over there by myself,
either due to a healthy respect for hierarchy
or simply because people don't like me.
Don't really care which.
Wow. That was close.
Ow!
PAUL SCREAMS
Only joking.
PAUL GASPS Fuck.
Julie, just, er... just have a... just have a word.
Ju-Julie, if you, er... What?
Just want some... Have you been pruning?
I don't think I want to share my personal grooming habits with you,
thank you very much.
No, no. Not... Not... No. HE STAMMERS
No, I mean, hunting down the prune. Oh, right.
Our elusive infiltrator.
Well, I'm not gonna share that information with you either, am I?
Given that a honking great promotion might depend on it.
Anyway, I'm sure you are hot on the trail, aren't you?
Well, yes, yes, yes.
I am like a Native American tracker keeping my nose peeled.
And I've just got to do personal hygiene first with group B.
Safety. Beg pard?
Personal safety. Yeah. What... What did I say?
Hygiene. Oh, well, yeah.
It's-It's all connected, isn't it? Better safe than smelly.
Right, then.
Personal safety role play.
It's late at night, and there's... Ooh!
...aggro out on the streets. Oh.
Ha. So, how do we keep safe?
Stay at home? No.
Well, yes, yes, but no, no. Comm-uni-cate.
You know, establish a connection in order to stay safe.
Now, Mr Legland, I want you to pretend
to be a troublesome teenager.
Shouldn't be hard.
Notice I've chosen a young, white male,
because it would be wrong to assume that a troublemaker would be...
HE STAMMERS We'd... We'd be racial profiling.
But I wanna do the acting. Well, you can't.
Now, the rest of you, come on, let's defuse the situation.
Erm, name? Jackson.
Jackson. Up you get, Jackson. Yep.
Now, establishing a first name is a good way of building a rapport.
And action.
Erm, hello. What's your name?
AS TEENAGER: Maurice. OK. Hello, Maurice.
What you up to, mate?
Not gonna tell the filth that, am I? HE SPITS
No, I'm not gonna put up with that kind of behaviour.
So, you can just pack your bag and... No, no, no.
Oh, it's you. It's him.
HE STAMMERS There you are.
Come, back you come. Let's, er...
You can... You can just pack it in and carry on.
So, Chabra, erm, assist Jackson.
And action.
Does your mum know where you are, Maurice?
My mum is dead. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, man.
It's all right. I got a step-mum.
Would she approve of you insulting police officers?
Yeah, probably. She's doing a 25 stretch for murder.
Oh, what's her name? Fanny.
Fanny. Yeah, no, I think I know her. STEPH: She's not real, Paul.
What? Leggo made her up.
And because he's such a child, he used a rude name.
Child, am I? At least I'm not basic.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
No, no, no, no. Go on.
That's right, engage the troublemaker.
Basic. And I wouldn't expect my ex-boyfriend to fall at my feet
just cos I'm flouncing around his place of work every day.
Well, no-one's gonna fall at your feet.
Yeah, well, difference is, I don't expect them to.
His accent's slipping. I should've done the acting.
Have you got a problem with me? You're the one with the problem.
I'm just trying to help. How are you helping?
I'm worried basic will turn to desperate.
I'm not desperate.
Well, it kind of sounded a little bit desperate.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful with that wand, Hermione.
CLAMOURING
Brutality! Brutality! Sit down! Sit, you!
Brutality! Come on, sit, you!
Brutal. Sit! Oh.
You must never, ever... ALL GASP
...strike the suspect!
Come on, we don't want a public inquiry, do we?
You, hold that, hold that.
Right. That was some brilliant acting, you guys.
Youse like thems Meryl Streeps.
SHE SIGHS Pathetic little twat.
Just cos I might be a virgin?
No, not you. Leggo. Calling me things I just am not.
Well, to be fair, Leggo was cool today.
You know, he made me feel OK about the whole grey-area thing.
Yeah, he did do that.
But, you know, I could also do that much better than him.
Could you? Yes.
OK.
SHE STAMMERS All right, mate.
Just... calm down. Don't worry.
Not everyone thinks you're a weirdo or a sad little loser.
I didn't think they did. Good.
That's good, then. How about undo a few buttons?
No, you look fine. Not mine, yours.
Oh, yeah.
Even prime beef looks shit when it's vacuum-packed.
Oi, Dev, is your blood flow all right in them kiddies' clothes?
No, he's fine.
I was actually just saying what an amazing body that Dev's got.
I mean, look at those guns.
And, Dev, oh, my God, yes, I will go for that drink with you later.
Wow, sweet. What drink was that?
SHE CHUCKLES Shut up.
We'll go for that quick drink, and then we'll head back to my place
to see if your blood flow is reaching all the right places.
Is that the plan, is it?
Is what it is.
That's the last of them, Sir. Thank you. Ah.
Flush out that arsehole before Julie does,
and I reckon the top job is in the bag.
Any... Any gut feeling?
Do you know what? I feel like Simon Cowell putting together a boy band.
Mm! Or a girl band. No bias here.
No. So, what I've done,
I've put on the left here all of the recruits
that, er, strike me as innocent, and on the right,
all those I instinctively feel might... might be a little bit iffy.
Mm.
SHE GRUNTS Bob!
What is it? SHE STAMMERS
Well, look, look! Oh, my...!
Oh, fuck, fuck! Oh, my bum-bum!
HE STAMMERS How did this happen, Melanie?
I don't know. I don't know. Was it...? The wind.
The wind. The wind. The wind blew...
Not the wind. People. People. Somebody behind my back...
Why do people do this? MELANIE GROANS
Why do they...? Er, Sir.
Gym requisition order, could you sign it? No.
What? No. It isn't.
Isn't what? Well, th-th-there we are. Well done.
Well, so, could you sign it, then? What?
Now? Well, yeah.
Good. Yeah.
Y-Yeah, yes. OK. That there.
And that there. Just...
There you go. OK.
There. Whoa. Right.
Er, what's all this?
Mm? Th-This? HE EXHALES
This, this... Oh, this? This! This.
They... They... They're... They...
These on the right, they're our, erm...
they're the recruits.
They're the ones that I consider to...
HE INHALES ...to be...
To be the cleverest. ...the cleverest!
What, Dev Hanzel? Brilliant mind.
MELANIE SCOFFS Abs... quite brilliant.
Well, it goes to show it's often the ones you least suspect. Yeah?
Yeah. See you in a bit.
WEEKES MUTTERS
STEPH LAUGHS
Oh, so, are we gonna do your plan, then? The sex?
Oh, God, no. Oh, right, of course.
Sorry, I thought it was obvious that was all just a ploy.
To get me to have sex? To get Mike to have sex.
With me? With me.
Oh, right. Gotcha. Yeah.
That's a bit of a relief.
What?
I just felt a bit uneasy about that.
You didn't want to? Nah, not really.
Why... Why didn't you want to?
I just... I just don't wanna have sex with you. OK.
Can you not keep saying that? Because people can hear you. Sorry.
Why don't you want to?
I-I'm not sure. It's not your fault. It's me.
Fucking hell! Now you sound like Mike.
Look, it's just when you were talking
about the blood flowing t-to my places,
I-I just felt a bit sick.
The thought of having sex with me made you feel sick?
Don't feel bad. How fucking dare you?
Look, I'm sorry. I won't be having sex with you.
You will be having sex with me, and you will bloody well enjoy it. OK?
Oh, OK.
Drink up. Oh, right.
Mm.
Not looking, but whatever it is I'm not looking at
needs to be gone by tomorrow morning.
You'll never get out of here, Legland!
GASPING LAUGH
HEAVY BREATHING Whoo!
OK. Yeah.
And that, sir, is how the sex is done.
It's probably gonna be downhill for you now after me. Right.
Not sure I had done all that, to be fair. Yeah.
It was really, really... Yeah.
Really what?
Yeah, no, I just... It was just a bit thrashy.
Uncoordinated. A bit messy.
Sorry, how are you giving me critique
when you were a 24-year-old virgin ten minutes ago?
No, no, I'm not dissing you. I just thought...
You know, I'm sure you did just fine.
I was more than fine. I'm very, very good at it.
Yes, of course. I mean, what do I know?
I haven't got anyone else to compare it to, have I? Exactly.
The thing is, I just thought it would be...
Night, then.
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