1
00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:12,960
SIRENS BLARE

2
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:15,960
Oh, my shitting shit.
Keep your nuts on, bruv.

3
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,960
We ain't gonna make it, Dad.
No, we're all right, son.

4
00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:26,960
We've got this. Three minutes.

5
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,960
Oi, oi.
CAR HORN HONKS

6
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:41,960
Good luck, Pauly.
Make us proud, mate.

7
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,960
RINGING

8
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:07,960
Timetables, maps, uniform coupons.

9
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:08,960
Keep them safe.
Thank you.

10
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:09,960
If you mess this up on day one,

11
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:12,960
you're gonna have to sort it out
with them. Oh, no!

12
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:14,960
There's no-one else, is there?
It's just me.

13
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:16,960
Oh, don't worry, though.
I'll manage.

14
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:18,960
Or will I? Pretend you care.

15
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:20,960
I never tire of this bit.

16
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:24,960
The newbies lusting for knowledge,
like newborn lambs

17
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,960
searching greedily
for their mother's teats,

18
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,960
and we are those teats.

19
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,960
Low-hanging
and full of milky goodness.

20
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,960
You're the real teat here, Bob.
Thank you, Julie. Appreciate that.

21
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,960
Hi, miss. New trainee.

22
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:39,960
What about you? Are you...?
What do you do?

23
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,960
I'm a new trainee.
Oh. Oh, sorry.

24
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:43,960
You just seem really...
What? Old?

25
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:46,960
No, no. God, no.
You just have a very obvious, er...

26
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:48,960
Bosom?
Sense of authority vibe.

27
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,960
I was a dinner lady till last month,
so...

28
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,960
Oh, well, there you go, then.
That's... That's why. Yeah.

29
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,960
Wait there.

30
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:58,960
Hi. Afia.
No, I'm Leggo.

31
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,960
Lego? Like the bricks?

32
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:02,960
Well, I do have lots
of little knobbly bits.

33
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,960
OK, on you go.

34
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,960
This is so exciting.
This is my worst nightmare.

35
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,480
Meeting me?
All this. Nightmare.

36
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:13,960
Are you having second thoughts?

37
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:15,960
Never had first thoughts,
to be honest.

38
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,960
It's the family business.
Forced into the force.

39
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,640
It's criminal.

40
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,960
Are you OK, mate?
Yeah.

41
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,960
A bit sweaty.
I love the police, though.

42
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,960
Police officer.
What do those words mean?

43
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:36,960
Oh, he's pretty thick, in't he?

44
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,960
Very soon,
you will discover the reality.

45
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,320
Power. Ultimate power.
I'll warn you all now -

46
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,960
you don't want to get
on the wrong side of me

47
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,960
cos I'm partially deaf in one ear.

48
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,960
Ha!
It wasn't a joke, young man.

49
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:50,960
So, welcome to Norbourne College,
and thank you to Superintendent Spry

50
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,960
and Superintendent Weekes...
Please.

51
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,320
...who will be your parents
for the next four and a half months.

52
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:56,960
Wait, do we have to go
and live with them?

53
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,960
No. Are you sure you're OK?
You're in good hands.

54
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,960
Yeah, mate, I'm fine. I'm just...
just really, really excited.

55
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,960
Work hard, stick to the rules,
and above all,

56
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,960
don't come to my attention
until passing out day.

57
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,960
HE CHUCKLES

58
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,480
Oh! Man down.

59
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:20,960
Hi, I was wondering...

60
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,960
Does it involve any form
of rearranging, rescheduling,

61
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,960
re-routing, decamping or unpicking?

62
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:25,960
Erm, yes.

63
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:27,960
Then the answer's no.
It might be quite simple.

64
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,480
Nothing is simple. Nothing.
Do you understand that?

65
00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:32,960
Yes.
Good.

66
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,640
I think this might be, though.
You just said you understood!

67
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:37,960
Physical training at 10:30.
I just want B group rather than C.

68
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,960
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Sorry, what's your name?

69
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,960
Steph.
Short for Stephita?

70
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,960
No, Stephanie. Stephanie Jackson.

71
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,160
Right, and tell me,
Stephanie Jackson,

72
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,960
who should currently be in Area 14,
what if the other class is full?

73
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,960
Well, can't you just swap me
with someone?

74
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,800
D'you have any idea
what it would involve?

75
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:54,960
It's a simple request.
Nothing is simple.

76
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,960
OK. Are you gonna swap me or not?

77
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,960
Yeah, if I have a spare moment
at some point.

78
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,960
There. I've done it.

79
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,960
You're now in B group, and
you're very, very, very, very lucky.

80
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,960
You just... You pressed one button.

81
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:12,960
SHE GROWLS

82
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,960
Right. Morning!

83
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,960
It's lovely to see so many
new faces here, not too many.

84
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:24,960
Er, we haven't lowered our standards
or anything.

85
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,960
Come on, sit. Thank you.

86
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:28,960
Big day today for everyone.

87
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:33,960
You are each about to become a cog
in a powerful blue machine,

88
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:37,960
and I am the oil
about to be applied to you.

89
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:41,960
And my oil will lubricate you
into action,

90
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,960
just as I myself was lubri-oiled...
OK, intro over.

91
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,960
Let's crack on, shall we?
Yes, on we go.

92
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,960
Let us start
with a little word association.

93
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,960
Ah, now, then, this is...

94
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:54,960
What is the first thing you think of
when I say the word police?

95
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:56,960
Go.
Taser.

96
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,960
Muscles.
Parents.

97
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:02,160
Filth... y pillow... pillowcase.

98
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,960
Duvet?

99
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,960
Penis.
Same old responses.

100
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,960
A nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
Not you.

101
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,960
Sorry, Jolly... Jilly... Julie...
Superintendent.

102
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,960
OK, one thing before,
er, you start your training -

103
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,960
and I've said this to all
the new groups, it is important.

104
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,960
Yes, I love this bit. This bit is...

105
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,320
In the forums of Ancient Rome,

106
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,480
when the senators were called upon
to give an oath,

107
00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:21,960
they would do so
whilst holding their testicles.

108
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,960
This is where we derive the word
testify.

109
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:30,960
Now, one of this year's new intake
is here for the wrong reasons.

110
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:35,000
Rest assured, I will find out who.
I can smell it.

111
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:38,960
So, what I want you to do
is close your eyes

112
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:41,000
and think about your reasons
for being here.

113
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,480
Are they genuine?

114
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,960
And you will do this
while holding your testicles.

115
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,960
Sorry, ma'am, but what do we do?
Clutch your mounds.

116
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,480
Right, on your feet. Up, up.

117
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,960
Eyes closed!

118
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:58,960
Testicles!

119
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:02,640
Your true reasons.

120
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:05,320
HE GRUNTS

121
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,960
Open your eyes. Look down.

122
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:11,480
One of you will find you are not
touching yourselves at all.

123
00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:13,800
I will find that person
by the end of the day

124
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:16,960
when he or she will be ejected
from the process.

125
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,960
Out, as if they never existed.

126
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,960
OK, at ease.

127
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,960
Bob, do you need a poo?
Er, yes, I do, yeah.

128
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,960
What does she mean
by the wrong reasons?

129
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,960
I don't know.
Sorry, why are you looking at me?

130
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,960
She was looking at me.
It's understandable, to be fair.

131
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,960
I ain't done nothing,
so don't look at me.

132
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:36,960
I wasn't looking at anyone.

133
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,160
She's just trying to turn
all you lot against each other.

134
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:40,960
On the first day?
Oh, sure.

135
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,000
Listen, my parents are cops, yeah?

136
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,160
They did this to me
and my sister all the time.

137
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:45,960
And she's in prison for murder.
What?

138
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,960
No, she isn't!
No, I don't even have a sister!

139
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,960
HE CHUCKLES
Or do I?

140
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:51,960
Are you OK?

141
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,320
No, honestly,
arrogant women in uniform

142
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:54,960
just really do it for me sexually.

143
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,960
Ugh!
Might be a bit hyper for a while.

144
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,160
If and when we have to get rid
of one of them, can I say...

145
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:01,960
ALAN SUGAR IMPRESSION:
"You're fired"?

146
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,960
No.
What about, er...

147
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,960
SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Your reasons
for being here dinnae stack up,

148
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,960
"and for that reason, I'm out."

149
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:10,960
Duncan Bannatyne hasn't been
on Dragon's Den for years.

150
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:14,640
I only watch the old ones.
You know, it's not so many ladies.

151
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:15,960
Er, no offence.

152
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,480
OK, you muppets!

153
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,960
I am not
your normal kind of trainer.

154
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,960
Are you a hologram?
What's your name, son?

155
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:25,960
Leggo. I'll let you go when
you tell me your name, sunshine.

156
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,960
Ryan Legland, sir.
All right, Ryan Legland, sir.

157
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,000
Let's start off easy, shall we?

158
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:33,960
I want you to come and have a go
if you think you're hard enough.

159
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,960
HE CHUCKLES, SNORTS
Are you hard?

160
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,960
Bit personal.
Take me down. Whatever you got.

161
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,960
Come on, captain mouth, have a go.
You smell of sausage.

162
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,960
Physically. Come on, pussy pants.
OK.

163
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,480
Huh!
ALL: Ooh!

164
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:51,640
Wow.

165
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,960
You see, a true ninja can retract
his bollocks into his body

166
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:54,960
at the first sign of danger.

167
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:56,960
Is that true?
No, twatty.

168
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,960
I'm wearing a cup. I'm not an idiot.

169
00:07:58,960 --> 00:07:59,960
Right, come on.
Let's have you in a line.

170
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,960
You're not a herd of bloody puppies.

171
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,960
A pack of puppies, surely.
Maybe a litter.

172
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,960
Er, I didn't come here
to argue about adjectives, love.

173
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,960
Collective nouns.
CHILDISHLY: Collective nouns.

174
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,160
That's a bit childish.

175
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,960
Coming from the girl
who cares about puppies.

176
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:12,960
I don't care about puppies.
GASPING

177
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,960
No, I obviously do.
I do care about puppies.

178
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,960
All right, so suck it up!

179
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,960
Basically,
I'm a little bit of a maverick.

180
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:22,800
I'm a real-world street cop,
and maybe, once,

181
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,960
I might've been accused
of going a little bit too far.

182
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,960
HE CHUCKLES
But you know the old saying -

183
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:31,640
"Them what can do it, do do it.
And them what can't do it..."

184
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,960
HE SIGHS
"W-Well, they do not do it."

185
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,000
Oh, so, you're teaching
cos you realised you can't do it?

186
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,960
Oh, I can do it.
I can do it in spades, love.

187
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,800
They're just making me
take a little break.

188
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:45,800
What did you do?
Yeah, what did you do?

189
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,960
HE CHUCKLES, SNORTS
I didn't do...

190
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,960
OK! Anyone, name me a danger

191
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,960
that we might find on a city street
at night.

192
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,960
Dog shit.

193
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,960
I want justice! That's the tagline.

194
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:02,960
One day,
they'll base a major TV series

195
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,480
on my life in the force.

196
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,960
One Muslim girl rises
from her humble beginnings

197
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,960
and claws her way up.

198
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,960
With all the sexism and racisity.

199
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,960
Racisity?
Yeah, racisity.

200
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:15,960
Don't deny it, Geeta.
It's an actual thing.

201
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:19,800
OK, OK, OK! Yo, B group!

202
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,960
Yeah, easy work! Nice.

203
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,960
Now, I'm Sergeant Michael Gunn,
aka Mikey Gunns, yeah?

204
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,960
And it's getting to know you time.
Now, I prefer first names in here.

205
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,800
Don't care what happens elsewhere.

206
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:31,960
So, I'm gonna throw you the ball,

207
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,960
you're gonna catch it,
you're gonna say your name,

208
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,960
you're gonna throw it right back,
yeah? All right.

209
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,960
Geeta.
Lovely.

210
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,960
Paul.
Good.

211
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,960
Leggo.
Nice.

212
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:43,960
Stephanie.

213
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:51,960
You, er, dropped the ball, mate.

214
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,960
Yes, Mike, you dropped the ball.

215
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,960
Steph, this is mad. Come on.
"Come on", what?

216
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,960
You, the police, really?
You don't want this.

217
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,960
That's funny, you always said
it was the best job in the world.

218
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,960
Yeah, it is, for me,
because I'm me.

219
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,960
But let's be honest,
you can't hack this.

220
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:19,960
Wow, OK, give me one reason
why I can't hack this.

221
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,960
Oh, just one reason? Yeah,
just one reason, let's hear it.

222
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,960
OK, well, you're quite flaky.
That's so funny.

223
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,160
And you don't like
getting your hands dirty.

224
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,960
And you're an only child,
and therefore, pretty selfish.

225
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,320
And you're no good in a crisis.

226
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:33,960
And I'm not sure that courage
is one of your strongest points.

227
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:35,960
And you like to avoid a conflict.

228
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:37,960
And I'd also say
you're quite mentally weak,

229
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:38,960
and physically.

230
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:41,960
And you snort in bed.
So what? Everyone snores sometimes.

231
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,960
No, snort. Like a pig.
HE SNORTS

232
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,640
Right, are you quite finished?
Big deal. Big whoop.

233
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,960
I am gonna be a police officer,
and a fucking good one,

234
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,960
and you just can't handle it, Mike,

235
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,960
because you're gonna be obsessed
with me all over again.

236
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,640
As if.
You are.

237
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:55,960
Because we both know, Mike,

238
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,960
that you have an erection
right here, right now.

239
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:02,000
That's unfair, cos you know
I always have one, yeah?

240
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,800
CLEARS THROAT

241
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:11,640
Wrong reasons could be me,
cos I kind of got two jobs, right?

242
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:12,960
Like, I'm doing this,

243
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,960
but then I'm mainly Devon Hanzel, actor.

244
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,960
Oh, right, you're an actor.
So, what have you been in?

245
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,960
I've been in the acting profession.

246
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,960
Yeah, but, like,
what have you acted in?

247
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:25,960
I've acted in auditions
and castings,

248
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,960
you know, stuff like that.
Cool.

249
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,960
Mate, you know them's ladies' pants?
No, they're not.

250
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,960
They is. My mum wears them.

251
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,960
You know what pants your mum wears?
That's fucked up.

252
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,320
No, it's not.
I do the family washing.

253
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:41,960
They're, er...
They're M&S, the Risque collection.

254
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,960
Which is a male range.
No, it's not.

255
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,960
Look, just worry
about your own pants, man.

256
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,960
This is so stressful, innit?
Yeah, pant wars?

257
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,480
Nah, this place.
Mustn't get thrown out.

258
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:55,960
Why not?

259
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:59,960
Oh, you know, just reasons, mainly.

260
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,960
It wasn't my idea, though.

261
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,960
Well, that's something me and you
have got in common - bloody family.

262
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:05,960
Tell me about it.

263
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:07,960
Oh, yeah?
Well, what's your family done?

264
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,960
Well, they ain't done nothing...
Sorry, why would you say that?

265
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:11,960
Easy, easy.

266
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,480
Clearly, Sergeant Stiffy Killer
has figured out

267
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,960
that I don't wanna be here, so
you've got nothing to worry about.

268
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,960
It's me.
I'm out of here, end of the day.

269
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:23,960
Erm, don't tell the girls
about the pants, all right?

270
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,960
I won't tell any girls. Ever.

271
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,480
I might.
THEY CHUCKLE

272
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:31,960
All right, then.

273
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,000
Can anyone tell me
what we have here?

274
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,960
Oh, my God. Are those drugs?
HE LAUGHS

275
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:37,960
Someone's gonna be
in so much trouble.

276
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:41,960
These are - correct - street drugs,
to a value of, erm...

277
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,960
well, not that much, actually,
but still...

278
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,960
No, the issue is those involved
in the drugs trade

279
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:49,960
quite often try to outwit
the authorities vis-a-vis ourselves.

280
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:52,320
No, it's not...
It's not a good thing.

281
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,960
No, no, no, no, I'm just excited
that I'm the authorities.

282
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:55,960
They try to achieve this

283
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,960
by constantly changing the name
of each product.

284
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,960
Which necessitates us
being very much on our toes

285
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,960
as regards nomenclature.

286
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,320
When do we start talking like that?

287
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:08,960
Is it gradual,
or is it more sort of overnight?

288
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:09,960
STEPHANIE
CLEARS HER THROAT

289
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,960
Excu... Excuse me, sir.
Please may I be excused?

290
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,960
Can it not wait?

291
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,480
OK, is that legal, to let a woman
just sit here menstruating?

292
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,160
Go. Go now. Thank you.

293
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:22,800
Right, so, here we have,
for example,

294
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:28,960
a 16th of an ounce of...
cannabis resin.

295
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,960
These scumbags...
Criminals.

296
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,960
Yeah, these criminals,

297
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,640
will often refer to this amount
as a teenth.

298
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,960
Ah, really? A teenth?
All right, clever prick.

299
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,160
Street name for this amount?

300
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:45,960
I would say that
that would be... an eighth.

301
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:50,960
No, actually, they've changed it.
It's now called a dibbler.

302
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,160
Dibbler?

303
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,960
This is cocaine, aka classic rock.

304
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,960
CRASHING

305
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,960
Oh, shit. That's actually
an old term for hashish.

306
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,160
A little bit dated now.
Yeah, no, I was, er...

307
00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:06,160
Ah, nothing.
Amphetamine is, er, wurbler.

308
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:10,800
Methamphetamine - ninky-nonk.
LSD - fried bedstead.

309
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,000
Heroin - the one show.

310
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,960
Ketamine - boggle chunks.

311
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:19,000
And benzodiazepines,
erm, Hufflepuff's revenge.

312
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,960
Who told you all this?
A drug dealer. He's a lovely bloke.

313
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,800
Lovely.
He's a bit giggly.

314
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,960
Giggly?
Mm.

315
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:27,960
WHISPERING: Oh, I see.

316
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:34,800
Ah, right. Erm, feeling better?
Yes, much better. Thank you.

317
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,960
Good, let's hope it's all...
stemmed.

318
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,640
Right. So, looks like
we're going to have to wait

319
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:42,960
for some new intel
on those street names.

320
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:48,960
No, look. Bubbles, Hop, Cristina,
Cat Valium, Oxblood, Moggies.

321
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,960
I mean, you know, like, probably.

322
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:52,960
GIGGLING

323
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,960
You have just become
a lot more interesting to me

324
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:55,960
as a human being.

325
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,960
SHE SIGHS
I'm not sure I can eat. Too anxious.

326
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,960
If they throw me out,
I'll actually die.

327
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,000
You're OK, hundy p.
If it makes you feel any better,

328
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,480
I'll almost certainly be out
by the end of the day.

329
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,960
It's you. What's the reason?
Wait, no, no, don't tell me.

330
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,960
Let me use my Muslim sense.
That's not a thing.

331
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,160
You came here
because you got dumped by some dude

332
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:20,960
you found out is a trainer here.

333
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:24,960
Oh, my God. How did you do that?
Can you cast spells?

334
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:25,960
No, I looked you up on Facebook,

335
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,960
and you've liked 43 photos
of Magic Mike going back six months.

336
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,960
Plus, you were staring love daggers
at him in the gym.

337
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:34,320
Oh, and I recorded your conversation
earlier on on my phone.

338
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,960
Oh, my days.
I'm gonna be so sick at this job.

339
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,960
You shouldn't record
people's conversations.

340
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:41,960
You think Muslims cast spells.
No. I didn't actually say that.

341
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,960
Hindus cast spells,
don't they, Geeta?

342
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:46,960
I'm casting one right now.

343
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,960
Yeah, OK, OK, yes.
I'm the whitest person in the world.

344
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,960
I'm here because of a man,
I'm the worst.

345
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,960
You're here
cos you're a brilliant detective.

346
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,960
What can I say?
It's a public service.

347
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,800
So, what brings you here, Geeta?

348
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:58,960
I'm trying to spend less time
with my family.

349
00:15:58,960 --> 00:15:59,960
Fair enough.

350
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,960
Oh!
Number one - I am not flaky.

351
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,960
I have just texted 30 people
that I went to uni with,

352
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,960
and they all said that I wasn't.

353
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,960
Well,
I didn't actually manage all 30

354
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,960
because I got distracted by
this really cheap ticket for the O2.

355
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:17,960
But anyway, in the end,
I got hold of seven of them,

356
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,960
and only three of them said
that I'm properly flaky.

357
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:20,960
So that's that myth busted, buster.

358
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:24,800
Steph, mate, please. Number two -
afraid to get my hands dirty?

359
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,640
Well...
Oh, all right, stop.

360
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,000
Number three - here is £10

361
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,960
to buy yourself
a nice little pudding.

362
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,960
I don't think a selfish person
would do that, would they?

363
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:32,960
I guess not.

364
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:36,800
The proof is in the pudding,
you big twat-head.

365
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:39,320
Oh! What was that?
That was point four.

366
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:42,160
You are not looking at someone
who is afraid of conflict.

367
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:45,960
No, siree!
Not in the hair, Steph.

368
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,960
Good day.

369
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,480
My God.

370
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,960
Melanie, I need a room swap, yeah?

371
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:57,960
Melanie doesn't do room swaps
in the corridor.

372
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,960
Please, I need to avoid someone,
and I would do it myself,

373
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,960
but you won't let any of us
have a password any more.

374
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,960
I won't,
because your mate changed the name

375
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,960
of all the conference rooms
to Melanie's Fanny.

376
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:06,960
Not really a mate.

377
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,960
Melanie's Red Fanny,
Melanie's South Fanny.

378
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,960
Ooh! Melanie's Big Fanny
on the fourth floor.

379
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:16,960
Come in, unless you're a terrorist.

380
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,960
Ma'am, sir, can I check something
on a personal level?

381
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,640
Yes, that's why we're here.
Is it?

382
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,960
I thought we were here
to turn useless streaks of piss

383
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,320
into police officers
using brute force and shouting.

384
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,160
Is it something embarrassing?
Er, a bit, yeah.

385
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:29,640
Oh, well, come in.

386
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:33,640
Is it OK if a trainer realises
that he's had a, er, relationship

387
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,960
with a trainee
who's just shown up at his college?

388
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,960
I'm, er, asking for a friend.
Which college is he at?

389
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,480
This college, for fuck's sake.
Who did you pork? Geeta? Afia?

390
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,960
Maybe we're assuming something
we shouldn't.

391
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,960
Maybe it was someone less expected.

392
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,960
I'm not sure I follow you...
Oh, do you mean, was it a man?

393
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,000
Which is perfectly fine.
You know, it's, er...

394
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,960
You may speak freely here.

395
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,480
In fact, I myself have had some
experience in that particular arena.

396
00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:58,960
Have you?

397
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,960
Yes, I watched Brokeback Mountain
without knowing the twist.

398
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,960
Mm, don't think it was a twist.

399
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,960
I wasn't expecting it.
It's actually Stephanie Jackson.

400
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,960
Really? The graduate one?
Well, she's quite bright.

401
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,960
True. Wait, what?

402
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:14,960
Previous relationships are fine
as long as they remain previous.

403
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,960
BANGS TUNEFULLY

404
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,960
Come in, Legland!
OK, off you pop, Magic Mike.

405
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,960
Don't trip over your cock.
CHUCKLING

406
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:26,640
Good afternoon, ma'am. Hello.
Wasn't expecting you, Mr Bob.

407
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:30,960
This is a joint unofficial meeting.
Ah! You two having an affair?

408
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,960
Jesus.
OK, well, I won't say a word.

409
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,960
Although, you could do better.
Shut it.

410
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:36,960
She could do better?

411
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,960
Ooh, like what you've done
with the place.

412
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:42,960
Ah! So, what can I do
for you two work colleagues, yeah?

413
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,960
I think you know why you're here.
Ah, police training, innit?

414
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,960
Which is exactly
the kind of obstructive insolence

415
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,480
that's been reported
by all of our staff so far.

416
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:52,960
Oh, dear.
Here's the thing.

417
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,000
We know the real reason
that you are here.

418
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,960
Ah, you said come to my office
at three o'clock.

419
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,480
No, the reason you enrolled here,
she means.

420
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,960
We know who your father is.
Is it Darth Vader?

421
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,960
No, it's Chief Superintendent
Timothy Legland.

422
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,960
Yes, him.
Not dissimilar, actually.

423
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,640
And then, of course,

424
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,960
there's Assistant Chief Constable
Phillipa Legland.

425
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:13,960
Mm, yes, my mum, ma'am.

426
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,000
My... Ooh, ma'am, mum. Hang on.

427
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,320
My mum, ma'am, mum, ma'am, my mum.

428
00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:20,960
HE BEATBOXES

429
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,640
They sent you here,

430
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,480
and you are counting on us
to kick you out. We get it.

431
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:26,960
So, I'm the one here
for the wrong reasons?

432
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,960
Let's get this done.
I'm afraid not.

433
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,480
You see,
your mother called me this morning.

434
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,960
Told me you might be a bit tricksy.
Did you tell her to do one?

435
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,960
No, I did not.
Your mother is superior to me.

436
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,960
Er, she has great legs,
but you have a lovely smile.

437
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,640
I don't like smart arses.

438
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,960
What sort of arses do you like?
This isn't gonna work.

439
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:49,960
I can be way more annoying than you,
little boy.

440
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,960
Game on... big girl.

441
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,960
SHE CLEARS THROAT
Well, congratulations!

442
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:10,960
We have all made it
to the end of day one.

443
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:11,960
Now, earlier this morning,

444
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,320
I said that one of you was here
for the wrong reasons. I lied.

445
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:19,960
You are all here
for the wrong reasons.

446
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,480
You might think
you can single-handedly solve crime,

447
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,960
chase bad guys across rooftops,

448
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,320
get back at everyone
who bullied you at school.

449
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:28,960
Well, guess what?

450
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,960
You are here
to become police officers

451
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,960
with one motivation only,

452
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,960
and that is to protect the public
whilst never forgetting

453
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,960
that you are members of the public
yourself.

454
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,960
Now, if you can do this job,

455
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,960
each and every one of you
will have my respect.

456
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,960
Apart from recruit 718,

457
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,960
who it turns out is a member
of a far-right organisation.

458
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,480
Where are you?
He's there.

459
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,320
Ah, right. Go on, get your stuff.
Fuck off.

460
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:56,960
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

461
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,960
I just want to say, erm...

462
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,960
I've let you all down,
and I apologise.

463
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,960
And I wanna wish you all the best
in your future careers.

464
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:07,960
That's really sad.
Steph, he's an actual Nazi.

465
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,160
Oh, shit, yeah. Sorry.
Dismissed!

466
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:15,320
Breaking news.

467
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,960
One of your latest intake
has an ulterior motive.

468
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,960
No, no, I've done that.
I've just made the speech.

469
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,960
Look, forget the speech.
This is actually a thing.

470
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,960
We've got a prune in the nest.

471
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,960
Jesus.
Briefing, 0800, tomorrow.

472
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,960
Copy that.
HE LAUGHS

473
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:36,960
I can see you're scoping out
all of our raw materials,

474
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,960
ready to be fashioned into a...

475
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:42,320
into a flower vase
of law enforcement,

476
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:43,960
or even a teapot.

477
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,960
Cunningham says
we have a prune in the nest.

478
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:48,960
Ah, what's...?
This prune's good news?

479
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,960
Well, no, of course not.
Who wants a prune in the nest?

480
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,960
Might as well have a duck
in the cupboard or a...

481
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,960
a bun in the shoe.

482
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:56,960
Informant.

483
00:21:56,960 --> 00:22:00,640
Yes, yes, well, my updated directory
of confusing police slang

484
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:01,960
must've got lost in the post.

485
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,480
Ah, right, well, er, here...
have mine.

486
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:05,960
Thank you.

487
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:11,960
Just keep an eye out.
Right.

488
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,960
Could be something very subtle.

489
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:21,960
Pauly, get in.

490
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:28,000
SIRENS BLARE

491
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,640
Come on, scrubber.

492
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,960
You're not giving your nan
a bed bath.

493
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,960
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