SIRENS BLARE
Oh, my shitting shit. Keep your nuts on, bruv.
We ain't gonna make it, Dad. No, we're all right, son.
We've got this. Three minutes.
Oi, oi. CAR HORN HONKS
Good luck, Pauly. Make us proud, mate.
RINGING
Timetables, maps, uniform coupons.
Keep them safe. Thank you.
If you mess this up on day one,
you're gonna have to sort it out with them. Oh, no!
There's no-one else, is there? It's just me.
Oh, don't worry, though. I'll manage.
Or will I? Pretend you care.
I never tire of this bit.
The newbies lusting for knowledge, like newborn lambs
searching greedily for their mother's teats,
and we are those teats.
Low-hanging and full of milky goodness.
You're the real teat here, Bob. Thank you, Julie. Appreciate that.
Hi, miss. New trainee.
What about you? Are you...? What do you do?
I'm a new trainee. Oh. Oh, sorry.
You just seem really... What? Old?
No, no. God, no. You just have a very obvious, er...
Bosom? Sense of authority vibe.
I was a dinner lady till last month, so...
Oh, well, there you go, then. That's... That's why. Yeah.
Wait there.
Hi. Afia. No, I'm Leggo.
Lego? Like the bricks?
Well, I do have lots of little knobbly bits.
OK, on you go.
This is so exciting. This is my worst nightmare.
Meeting me? All this. Nightmare.
Are you having second thoughts?
Never had first thoughts, to be honest.
It's the family business. Forced into the force.
It's criminal.
Are you OK, mate? Yeah.
A bit sweaty. I love the police, though.
Police officer. What do those words mean?
Oh, he's pretty thick, in't he?
Very soon, you will discover the reality.
Power. Ultimate power. I'll warn you all now -
you don't want to get on the wrong side of me
cos I'm partially deaf in one ear.
Ha! It wasn't a joke, young man.
So, welcome to Norbourne College, and thank you to Superintendent Spry
and Superintendent Weekes... Please.
...who will be your parents for the next four and a half months.
Wait, do we have to go and live with them?
No. Are you sure you're OK? You're in good hands.
Yeah, mate, I'm fine. I'm just... just really, really excited.
Work hard, stick to the rules, and above all,
don't come to my attention until passing out day.
HE CHUCKLES
Oh! Man down.
Hi, I was wondering...
Does it involve any form of rearranging, rescheduling,
re-routing, decamping or unpicking?
Erm, yes.
Then the answer's no. It might be quite simple.
Nothing is simple. Nothing. Do you understand that?
Yes. Good.
I think this might be, though. You just said you understood!
Physical training at 10:30. I just want B group rather than C.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Sorry, what's your name?
Steph. Short for Stephita?
No, Stephanie. Stephanie Jackson.
Right, and tell me, Stephanie Jackson,
who should currently be in Area 14, what if the other class is full?
Well, can't you just swap me with someone?
D'you have any idea what it would involve?
It's a simple request. Nothing is simple.
OK. Are you gonna swap me or not?
Yeah, if I have a spare moment at some point.
There. I've done it.
You're now in B group, and you're very, very, very, very lucky.
You just... You pressed one button.
SHE GROWLS
Right. Morning!
It's lovely to see so many new faces here, not too many.
Er, we haven't lowered our standards or anything.
Come on, sit. Thank you.
Big day today for everyone.
You are each about to become a cog in a powerful blue machine,
and I am the oil about to be applied to you.
And my oil will lubricate you into action,
just as I myself was lubri-oiled... OK, intro over.
Let's crack on, shall we? Yes, on we go.
Let us start with a little word association.
Ah, now, then, this is...
What is the first thing you think of when I say the word police?
Go. Taser.
Muscles. Parents.
Filth... y pillow... pillowcase.
Duvet?
Penis. Same old responses.
A nice cheese and pickle sandwich. Not you.
Sorry, Jolly... Jilly... Julie... Superintendent.
OK, one thing before, er, you start your training -
and I've said this to all the new groups, it is important.
Yes, I love this bit. This bit is...
In the forums of Ancient Rome,
when the senators were called upon to give an oath,
they would do so whilst holding their testicles.
This is where we derive the word testify.
Now, one of this year's new intake is here for the wrong reasons.
Rest assured, I will find out who. I can smell it.
So, what I want you to do is close your eyes
and think about your reasons for being here.
Are they genuine?
And you will do this while holding your testicles.
Sorry, ma'am, but what do we do? Clutch your mounds.
Right, on your feet. Up, up.
Eyes closed!
Testicles!
Your true reasons.
HE GRUNTS
Open your eyes. Look down.
One of you will find you are not touching yourselves at all.
I will find that person by the end of the day
when he or she will be ejected from the process.
Out, as if they never existed.
OK, at ease.
Bob, do you need a poo? Er, yes, I do, yeah.
What does she mean by the wrong reasons?
I don't know. Sorry, why are you looking at me?
She was looking at me. It's understandable, to be fair.
I ain't done nothing, so don't look at me.
I wasn't looking at anyone.
She's just trying to turn all you lot against each other.
On the first day? Oh, sure.
Listen, my parents are cops, yeah?
They did this to me and my sister all the time.
And she's in prison for murder. What?
No, she isn't! No, I don't even have a sister!
HE CHUCKLES Or do I?
Are you OK?
No, honestly, arrogant women in uniform
just really do it for me sexually.
Ugh! Might be a bit hyper for a while.
If and when we have to get rid of one of them, can I say...
ALAN SUGAR IMPRESSION: "You're fired"?
No. What about, er...
SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Your reasons for being here dinnae stack up,
"and for that reason, I'm out."
Duncan Bannatyne hasn't been on Dragon's Den for years.
I only watch the old ones. You know, it's not so many ladies.
Er, no offence.
OK, you muppets!
I am not your normal kind of trainer.
Are you a hologram? What's your name, son?
Leggo. I'll let you go when you tell me your name, sunshine.
Ryan Legland, sir. All right, Ryan Legland, sir.
Let's start off easy, shall we?
I want you to come and have a go if you think you're hard enough.
HE CHUCKLES, SNORTS Are you hard?
Bit personal. Take me down. Whatever you got.
Come on, captain mouth, have a go. You smell of sausage.
Physically. Come on, pussy pants. OK.
Huh! ALL: Ooh!
Wow.
You see, a true ninja can retract his bollocks into his body
at the first sign of danger.
Is that true? No, twatty.
I'm wearing a cup. I'm not an idiot.
Right, come on. Let's have you in a line.
You're not a herd of bloody puppies.
A pack of puppies, surely. Maybe a litter.
Er, I didn't come here to argue about adjectives, love.
Collective nouns. CHILDISHLY: Collective nouns.
That's a bit childish.
Coming from the girl who cares about puppies.
I don't care about puppies. GASPING
No, I obviously do. I do care about puppies.
All right, so suck it up!
Basically, I'm a little bit of a maverick.
I'm a real-world street cop, and maybe, once,
I might've been accused of going a little bit too far.
HE CHUCKLES But you know the old saying -
"Them what can do it, do do it. And them what can't do it..."
HE SIGHS "W-Well, they do not do it."
Oh, so, you're teaching cos you realised you can't do it?
Oh, I can do it. I can do it in spades, love.
They're just making me take a little break.
What did you do? Yeah, what did you do?
HE CHUCKLES, SNORTS I didn't do...
OK! Anyone, name me a danger
that we might find on a city street at night.
Dog shit.
I want justice! That's the tagline.
One day, they'll base a major TV series
on my life in the force.
One Muslim girl rises from her humble beginnings
and claws her way up.
With all the sexism and racisity.
Racisity? Yeah, racisity.
Don't deny it, Geeta. It's an actual thing.
OK, OK, OK! Yo, B group!
Yeah, easy work! Nice.
Now, I'm Sergeant Michael Gunn, aka Mikey Gunns, yeah?
And it's getting to know you time. Now, I prefer first names in here.
Don't care what happens elsewhere.
So, I'm gonna throw you the ball,
you're gonna catch it, you're gonna say your name,
you're gonna throw it right back, yeah? All right.
Geeta. Lovely.
Paul. Good.
Leggo. Nice.
Stephanie.
You, er, dropped the ball, mate.
Yes, Mike, you dropped the ball.
Steph, this is mad. Come on. "Come on", what?
You, the police, really? You don't want this.
That's funny, you always said it was the best job in the world.
Yeah, it is, for me, because I'm me.
But let's be honest, you can't hack this.
Wow, OK, give me one reason why I can't hack this.
Oh, just one reason? Yeah, just one reason, let's hear it.
OK, well, you're quite flaky. That's so funny.
And you don't like getting your hands dirty.
And you're an only child, and therefore, pretty selfish.
And you're no good in a crisis.
And I'm not sure that courage is one of your strongest points.
And you like to avoid a conflict.
And I'd also say you're quite mentally weak,
and physically.
And you snort in bed. So what? Everyone snores sometimes.
No, snort. Like a pig. HE SNORTS
Right, are you quite finished? Big deal. Big whoop.
I am gonna be a police officer, and a fucking good one,
and you just can't handle it, Mike,
because you're gonna be obsessed with me all over again.
As if. You are.
Because we both know, Mike,
that you have an erection right here, right now.
That's unfair, cos you know I always have one, yeah?
CLEARS THROAT
Wrong reasons could be me, cos I kind of got two jobs, right?
Like, I'm doing this,
but then I'm mainly Devon Hanzel, actor.
Oh, right, you're an actor. So, what have you been in?
I've been in the acting profession.
Yeah, but, like, what have you acted in?
I've acted in auditions and castings,
you know, stuff like that. Cool.
Mate, you know them's ladies' pants? No, they're not.
They is. My mum wears them.
You know what pants your mum wears? That's fucked up.
No, it's not. I do the family washing.
They're, er... They're M&S, the Risque collection.
Which is a male range. No, it's not.
Look, just worry about your own pants, man.
This is so stressful, innit? Yeah, pant wars?
Nah, this place. Mustn't get thrown out.
Why not?
Oh, you know, just reasons, mainly.
It wasn't my idea, though.
Well, that's something me and you have got in common - bloody family.
Tell me about it.
Oh, yeah? Well, what's your family done?
Well, they ain't done nothing... Sorry, why would you say that?
Easy, easy.
Clearly, Sergeant Stiffy Killer has figured out
that I don't wanna be here, so you've got nothing to worry about.
It's me. I'm out of here, end of the day.
Erm, don't tell the girls about the pants, all right?
I won't tell any girls. Ever.
I might. THEY CHUCKLE
All right, then.
Can anyone tell me what we have here?
Oh, my God. Are those drugs? HE LAUGHS
Someone's gonna be in so much trouble.
These are - correct - street drugs, to a value of, erm...
well, not that much, actually, but still...
No, the issue is those involved in the drugs trade
quite often try to outwit the authorities vis-a-vis ourselves.
No, it's not... It's not a good thing.
No, no, no, no, I'm just excited that I'm the authorities.
They try to achieve this
by constantly changing the name of each product.
Which necessitates us being very much on our toes
as regards nomenclature.
When do we start talking like that?
Is it gradual, or is it more sort of overnight?
STEPHANIE CLEARS HER THROAT
Excu... Excuse me, sir. Please may I be excused?
Can it not wait?
OK, is that legal, to let a woman just sit here menstruating?
Go. Go now. Thank you.
Right, so, here we have, for example,
a 16th of an ounce of... cannabis resin.
These scumbags... Criminals.
Yeah, these criminals,
will often refer to this amount as a teenth.
Ah, really? A teenth? All right, clever prick.
Street name for this amount?
I would say that that would be... an eighth.
No, actually, they've changed it. It's now called a dibbler.
Dibbler?
This is cocaine, aka classic rock.
CRASHING
Oh, shit. That's actually an old term for hashish.
A little bit dated now. Yeah, no, I was, er...
Ah, nothing. Amphetamine is, er, wurbler.
Methamphetamine - ninky-nonk. LSD - fried bedstead.
Heroin - the one show.
Ketamine - boggle chunks.
And benzodiazepines, erm, Hufflepuff's revenge.
Who told you all this? A drug dealer. He's a lovely bloke.
Lovely. He's a bit giggly.
Giggly? Mm.
WHISPERING: Oh, I see.
Ah, right. Erm, feeling better? Yes, much better. Thank you.
Good, let's hope it's all... stemmed.
Right. So, looks like we're going to have to wait
for some new intel on those street names.
No, look. Bubbles, Hop, Cristina, Cat Valium, Oxblood, Moggies.
I mean, you know, like, probably.
GIGGLING
You have just become a lot more interesting to me
as a human being.
SHE SIGHS I'm not sure I can eat. Too anxious.
If they throw me out, I'll actually die.
You're OK, hundy p. If it makes you feel any better,
I'll almost certainly be out by the end of the day.
It's you. What's the reason? Wait, no, no, don't tell me.
Let me use my Muslim sense. That's not a thing.
You came here because you got dumped by some dude
you found out is a trainer here.
Oh, my God. How did you do that? Can you cast spells?
No, I looked you up on Facebook,
and you've liked 43 photos of Magic Mike going back six months.
Plus, you were staring love daggers at him in the gym.
Oh, and I recorded your conversation earlier on on my phone.
Oh, my days. I'm gonna be so sick at this job.
You shouldn't record people's conversations.
You think Muslims cast spells. No. I didn't actually say that.
Hindus cast spells, don't they, Geeta?
I'm casting one right now.
Yeah, OK, OK, yes. I'm the whitest person in the world.
I'm here because of a man, I'm the worst.
You're here cos you're a brilliant detective.
What can I say? It's a public service.
So, what brings you here, Geeta?
I'm trying to spend less time with my family.
Fair enough.
Oh! Number one - I am not flaky.
I have just texted 30 people that I went to uni with,
and they all said that I wasn't.
Well, I didn't actually manage all 30
because I got distracted by this really cheap ticket for the O2.
But anyway, in the end, I got hold of seven of them,
and only three of them said that I'm properly flaky.
So that's that myth busted, buster.
Steph, mate, please. Number two - afraid to get my hands dirty?
Well... Oh, all right, stop.
Number three - here is £10
to buy yourself a nice little pudding.
I don't think a selfish person would do that, would they?
I guess not.
The proof is in the pudding, you big twat-head.
Oh! What was that? That was point four.
You are not looking at someone who is afraid of conflict.
No, siree! Not in the hair, Steph.
Good day.
My God.
Melanie, I need a room swap, yeah?
Melanie doesn't do room swaps in the corridor.
Please, I need to avoid someone, and I would do it myself,
but you won't let any of us have a password any more.
I won't, because your mate changed the name
of all the conference rooms to Melanie's Fanny.
Not really a mate.
Melanie's Red Fanny, Melanie's South Fanny.
Ooh! Melanie's Big Fanny on the fourth floor.
Come in, unless you're a terrorist.
Ma'am, sir, can I check something on a personal level?
Yes, that's why we're here. Is it?
I thought we were here to turn useless streaks of piss
into police officers using brute force and shouting.
Is it something embarrassing? Er, a bit, yeah.
Oh, well, come in.
Is it OK if a trainer realises that he's had a, er, relationship
with a trainee who's just shown up at his college?
I'm, er, asking for a friend. Which college is he at?
This college, for fuck's sake. Who did you pork? Geeta? Afia?
Maybe we're assuming something we shouldn't.
Maybe it was someone less expected.
I'm not sure I follow you... Oh, do you mean, was it a man?
Which is perfectly fine. You know, it's, er...
You may speak freely here.
In fact, I myself have had some experience in that particular arena.
Have you?
Yes, I watched Brokeback Mountain without knowing the twist.
Mm, don't think it was a twist.
I wasn't expecting it. It's actually Stephanie Jackson.
Really? The graduate one? Well, she's quite bright.
True. Wait, what?
Previous relationships are fine as long as they remain previous.
BANGS TUNEFULLY
Come in, Legland! OK, off you pop, Magic Mike.
Don't trip over your cock. CHUCKLING
Good afternoon, ma'am. Hello. Wasn't expecting you, Mr Bob.
This is a joint unofficial meeting. Ah! You two having an affair?
Jesus. OK, well, I won't say a word.
Although, you could do better. Shut it.
She could do better?
Ooh, like what you've done with the place.
Ah! So, what can I do for you two work colleagues, yeah?
I think you know why you're here. Ah, police training, innit?
Which is exactly the kind of obstructive insolence
that's been reported by all of our staff so far.
Oh, dear. Here's the thing.
We know the real reason that you are here.
Ah, you said come to my office at three o'clock.
No, the reason you enrolled here, she means.
We know who your father is. Is it Darth Vader?
No, it's Chief Superintendent Timothy Legland.
Yes, him. Not dissimilar, actually.
And then, of course,
there's Assistant Chief Constable Phillipa Legland.
Mm, yes, my mum, ma'am.
My... Ooh, ma'am, mum. Hang on.
My mum, ma'am, mum, ma'am, my mum.
HE BEATBOXES
They sent you here,
and you are counting on us to kick you out. We get it.
So, I'm the one here for the wrong reasons?
Let's get this done. I'm afraid not.
You see, your mother called me this morning.
Told me you might be a bit tricksy. Did you tell her to do one?
No, I did not. Your mother is superior to me.
Er, she has great legs, but you have a lovely smile.
I don't like smart arses.
What sort of arses do you like? This isn't gonna work.
I can be way more annoying than you, little boy.
Game on... big girl.
SHE CLEARS THROAT Well, congratulations!
We have all made it to the end of day one.
Now, earlier this morning,
I said that one of you was here for the wrong reasons. I lied.
You are all here for the wrong reasons.
You might think you can single-handedly solve crime,
chase bad guys across rooftops,
get back at everyone who bullied you at school.
Well, guess what?
You are here to become police officers
with one motivation only,
and that is to protect the public whilst never forgetting
that you are members of the public yourself.
Now, if you can do this job,
each and every one of you will have my respect.
Apart from recruit 718,
who it turns out is a member of a far-right organisation.
Where are you? He's there.
Ah, right. Go on, get your stuff. Fuck off.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
I just want to say, erm...
I've let you all down, and I apologise.
And I wanna wish you all the best in your future careers.
That's really sad. Steph, he's an actual Nazi.
Oh, shit, yeah. Sorry. Dismissed!
Breaking news.
One of your latest intake has an ulterior motive.
No, no, I've done that. I've just made the speech.
Look, forget the speech. This is actually a thing.
We've got a prune in the nest.
Jesus. Briefing, 0800, tomorrow.
Copy that. HE LAUGHS
I can see you're scoping out all of our raw materials,
ready to be fashioned into a...
into a flower vase of law enforcement,
or even a teapot.
Cunningham says we have a prune in the nest.
Ah, what's...? This prune's good news?
Well, no, of course not. Who wants a prune in the nest?
Might as well have a duck in the cupboard or a...
a bun in the shoe.
Informant.
Yes, yes, well, my updated directory of confusing police slang
must've got lost in the post.
Ah, right, well, er, here... have mine.
Thank you.
Just keep an eye out. Right.
Could be something very subtle.
Pauly, get in.
SIRENS BLARE
Come on, scrubber.
You're not giving your nan a bed bath.
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