1 00:00:00,297 --> 00:00:01,688 - Hi, I'm Anna Garcia, 2 00:00:01,688 --> 00:00:03,288 the reigning champion of VIP, 3 00:00:03,288 --> 00:00:05,844 and I'm here today to beat the shit out of Vic Michaelis. 4 00:00:05,844 --> 00:00:08,010 (upbeat music) 5 00:00:08,010 --> 00:00:09,330 - [Vic] Today we're giving this comedian 6 00:00:09,330 --> 00:00:11,220 a total transformation. 7 00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:12,900 - This is already crazy. 8 00:00:12,900 --> 00:00:14,070 - [Vic] They have no idea 9 00:00:14,070 --> 00:00:16,680 who or what they're about to become. 10 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:17,513 - Love it. 11 00:00:17,513 --> 00:00:19,020 - [Vic] Once they see themselves in the mirror, 12 00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:21,570 they'll have to make up a character on the spot 13 00:00:21,570 --> 00:00:24,845 and then sit down with me for an improvised interview. 14 00:00:24,845 --> 00:00:27,570 (Anna squealing) (crew laughing) 15 00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:28,403 - You're kidding. 16 00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:31,077 - [Vic] This is "Very Important People." 17 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:34,140 - Hi. 18 00:00:34,140 --> 00:00:35,790 Oh god, this is the worst part. 19 00:00:35,790 --> 00:00:37,920 Talk amongst yourselves, Jesus. 20 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:39,896 We're losing my slippers? 21 00:00:39,896 --> 00:00:41,248 (Anna laughing) 22 00:00:41,248 --> 00:00:42,473 Oh my god, something's on my head. 23 00:00:42,473 --> 00:00:43,306 What the fuck? 24 00:00:43,306 --> 00:00:44,983 Hey, good luck everybody. (chuckles) 25 00:00:46,666 --> 00:00:49,890 Whoa! Okay, now! 26 00:00:49,890 --> 00:00:51,630 Okay now! 27 00:00:51,630 --> 00:00:53,097 That's what I'm talking about. 28 00:00:53,097 --> 00:00:54,600 Bang, you're dead. 29 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:58,260 Wow! I look awesome! 30 00:00:58,260 --> 00:01:00,600 I feel like I have to do a southern accent, right? 31 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,762 Hey, around here, no one walks past me 32 00:01:02,762 --> 00:01:04,581 and makes it out alive. (crew laughing) 33 00:01:04,581 --> 00:01:06,390 Three two one, bang! 34 00:01:06,390 --> 00:01:09,196 Damn, I forgot my bullets. Empty. 35 00:01:09,196 --> 00:01:10,029 (gun clicking) 36 00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:10,950 Well, hello. 37 00:01:10,950 --> 00:01:12,570 Welcome to Smoky Saddles. 38 00:01:12,570 --> 00:01:15,341 You wanna mine for gold? (laughs) 39 00:01:15,341 --> 00:01:18,391 I can paint your name on a grain of rice. Sit down. 40 00:01:18,391 --> 00:01:20,340 (crew laughing) 41 00:01:20,340 --> 00:01:21,390 Something's wrong with him. 42 00:01:21,390 --> 00:01:22,230 He's got a dark energy, 43 00:01:22,230 --> 00:01:23,460 but then he has beautiful hair. 44 00:01:23,460 --> 00:01:25,860 I mean, his hair is Pantened the hell out. 45 00:01:25,860 --> 00:01:27,300 I look like an old guy. 46 00:01:27,300 --> 00:01:28,710 Whoa, this actually adds 47 00:01:28,710 --> 00:01:30,090 a whole nother layer to the character. 48 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,860 (gravelly old-timey accent) The thing about me is that if someone tries 49 00:01:31,860 --> 00:01:33,510 to get in between me and gold, 50 00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,730 they're gonna have their brains blasted out. 51 00:01:35,730 --> 00:01:38,173 Lambasted outta them. 52 00:01:38,173 --> 00:01:39,270 (crew laughing) 53 00:01:39,270 --> 00:01:42,232 Something to consider is the fact that I have assless chops. 54 00:01:42,232 --> 00:01:44,140 Maybe he's a little freak. 55 00:01:44,140 --> 00:01:45,998 (Anna humming) 56 00:01:45,998 --> 00:01:48,581 (upbeat music) 57 00:01:57,604 --> 00:01:59,379 - You are confident. 58 00:01:59,379 --> 00:02:00,437 You are strong. 59 00:02:01,494 --> 00:02:04,035 You are a reporter. 60 00:02:05,433 --> 00:02:06,491 (Vic sighing) 61 00:02:11,245 --> 00:02:13,530 (lips smacking) 62 00:02:13,530 --> 00:02:14,363 Later. 63 00:02:21,571 --> 00:02:22,558 (door clicking) 64 00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:25,170 We all have a story to tell, 65 00:02:25,170 --> 00:02:28,530 and sometimes that story needs to be shared with the world. 66 00:02:28,530 --> 00:02:30,180 Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis, 67 00:02:30,180 --> 00:02:34,740 back with another edition of "Very Important People." 68 00:02:34,740 --> 00:02:35,573 (JW spits) 69 00:02:35,573 --> 00:02:37,680 Okay, so we can't spit on set. 70 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:39,304 Hello. Hi. 71 00:02:39,304 --> 00:02:40,290 - [JW] Mm? 72 00:02:40,290 --> 00:02:41,910 - [Vic] Okay, a pistol. 73 00:02:41,910 --> 00:02:44,163 Take a seat and please introduce yourself. 74 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,223 Okay. Please introduce yourself. 75 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:50,629 - I'm JW Smokes. 76 00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:51,929 (tense music) 77 00:02:55,140 --> 00:02:57,930 - JW, it is so lovely to have you here today. 78 00:02:57,930 --> 00:02:59,460 As part of our ongoing program 79 00:02:59,460 --> 00:03:01,410 to explore all tourist destinations 80 00:03:01,410 --> 00:03:02,520 in each of the 50 states, 81 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,320 JW, we've invited you here today 82 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:07,352 to explain your home state's natural attraction. 83 00:03:07,352 --> 00:03:08,185 (JW burping) 84 00:03:08,185 --> 00:03:09,090 Okay. Lot of burping. - Mhm. 85 00:03:09,090 --> 00:03:09,923 - Do you need some water? 86 00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:11,700 - [JW] Nope. I don't drink that stuff, but thank you. 87 00:03:11,700 --> 00:03:13,410 - Water? - I don't drink that stuff, 88 00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:14,550 but thank you. - No, I heard you. 89 00:03:14,550 --> 00:03:15,840 I was just saying you don't drink water. 90 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,431 - I. Don't. 91 00:03:18,431 --> 00:03:19,800 Drink that stuff, 92 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:20,633 but thank you. 93 00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:21,750 - Can somebody please take the weapon? 94 00:03:21,750 --> 00:03:23,047 Maybe we take the gun away. 95 00:03:23,047 --> 00:03:24,750 - I'll shoot you if you try. - Okay. How about this? 96 00:03:24,750 --> 00:03:25,800 In an act of good faith- 97 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:26,943 - Hey, hey. - Hey. 98 00:03:28,470 --> 00:03:29,880 What? What is this? 99 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:31,470 - Bring it down a little bit. - [Vic] Bring it down- 100 00:03:31,470 --> 00:03:33,510 So we're gonna, okay. And hand off the gun. 101 00:03:33,510 --> 00:03:35,430 - I'm just adjusting it in my belt. 102 00:03:35,430 --> 00:03:38,250 - Look what I can do. That's my microphone. 103 00:03:38,250 --> 00:03:39,083 It's sort of like a 104 00:03:39,083 --> 00:03:40,410 pen is mightier than the sword type thing. 105 00:03:40,410 --> 00:03:41,850 Everyone can hear what you're saying. 106 00:03:41,850 --> 00:03:43,290 - What's your name again? - Vic. 107 00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:45,180 - Vic. - And you are JW Smokes. 108 00:03:45,180 --> 00:03:46,200 And we're honored to have you here 109 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,390 today. - JW Smokes the Third. 110 00:03:48,390 --> 00:03:50,130 My granddaddy was the first. 111 00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:52,320 - What state are you representing, JW? 112 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:53,790 - I'm from California. - [Vic] California. 113 00:03:53,790 --> 00:03:55,230 That's absolutely incredible. Yes. 114 00:03:55,230 --> 00:03:56,790 - What other states you got on this show? 115 00:03:56,790 --> 00:03:58,020 - We've had about seven states so far. 116 00:03:58,020 --> 00:04:00,000 We had Nevada, we had Arizona. 117 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,890 One was about a sort of a license plate museum, 118 00:04:01,890 --> 00:04:03,540 and that was really fun. 119 00:04:03,540 --> 00:04:04,470 No. - (chuckles) Just kidding. 120 00:04:04,470 --> 00:04:05,303 - Don't do that. 121 00:04:05,303 --> 00:04:06,753 Maybe next time we check for weapons. 122 00:04:06,753 --> 00:04:07,586 - I checked with them. 123 00:04:07,586 --> 00:04:09,030 I said, "I'm gonna bring a loaded gun." 124 00:04:09,030 --> 00:04:10,710 - Okay. - I sent an email to the lady. 125 00:04:10,710 --> 00:04:11,992 - How about this, it would make me feel better 126 00:04:11,992 --> 00:04:13,545 if maybe we put the gun on the table. 127 00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,450 - Won't do that. But thank you for offering. 128 00:04:15,450 --> 00:04:16,650 - You are from California. - [JW] Yep, 129 00:04:16,650 --> 00:04:18,323 and I'm the mayor of my town. 130 00:04:18,323 --> 00:04:19,380 - Okay. - Wickmore. 131 00:04:19,380 --> 00:04:21,150 - You are the mayor of Wickmore. 132 00:04:21,150 --> 00:04:23,760 I heard that Wickmore's a pretty interesting town because... 133 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:25,260 - There's very few people living there. 134 00:04:25,260 --> 00:04:27,000 - So they voted you mayor. - I chose it. 135 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,890 - For California, I really thought maybe we could come up 136 00:04:28,890 --> 00:04:31,530 with something more interesting than the mayor of a town 137 00:04:31,530 --> 00:04:32,760 with very few people. 138 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:34,474 - Oh, you're not impressed by my town? 139 00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:35,610 - You know, I, I would love to learn 140 00:04:35,610 --> 00:04:36,443 a little bit more about it. 141 00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,250 - I'd love to tell you if you'd ask a fucking question. 142 00:04:38,250 --> 00:04:39,180 - Okay, so you know, why, 143 00:04:39,180 --> 00:04:40,719 why should people come visit your town? 144 00:04:41,610 --> 00:04:43,530 - The mines. - The mines? 145 00:04:43,530 --> 00:04:47,160 - The mines are like nothing you've never seen before. 146 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:48,180 Kids, gone. 147 00:04:48,180 --> 00:04:49,590 - What? - Dogs, gone. 148 00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:50,423 - Are kids and dogs 149 00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:52,290 going into the mine- - My wife, still there. 150 00:04:52,290 --> 00:04:53,220 - What? - Hmm? 151 00:04:53,220 --> 00:04:55,235 - You're sending kids and dogs into the mine by themself? 152 00:04:55,235 --> 00:04:56,340 - Yeah, they ain't coming back. 153 00:04:56,340 --> 00:04:57,480 - And is your wife gone in the mine 154 00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:58,530 or is your wife just gone? 155 00:04:58,530 --> 00:04:59,672 - She's gone. 156 00:04:59,672 --> 00:05:00,505 - You're sending kids and dogs into the mine 157 00:05:00,505 --> 00:05:01,338 and your wife left. 158 00:05:01,338 --> 00:05:02,725 (JW chuckling) (Vic laughs) 159 00:05:02,725 --> 00:05:04,590 (technical beep) (calm music) 160 00:05:04,590 --> 00:05:06,300 - The facts are straight. - Okay. 161 00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:08,250 - I was elected the mayor because I figured out 162 00:05:08,250 --> 00:05:10,440 how to capitalize on dogs and kids. 163 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:11,273 - [Vic] Oh, I see. 164 00:05:11,273 --> 00:05:13,320 So you're sending dogs and kids down in the mine to work. 165 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:14,730 - Dying, unfortunately. 166 00:05:14,730 --> 00:05:16,746 - Okay. I think we can start- (gun clicks) 167 00:05:16,746 --> 00:05:18,262 put the gun away. 168 00:05:18,262 --> 00:05:19,170 - I'm just adjusting. 169 00:05:19,170 --> 00:05:20,600 - Hand me the gun. - I'll hand it to you, 170 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:23,550 but I'll kill you in doing so. - No you won't, I'll kill you. 171 00:05:23,550 --> 00:05:25,020 It's not like that, no. - Woo! 172 00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,520 We got ourselves a showdown! 173 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:27,860 - You're gonna hand me that, hand me that gun. 174 00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:29,280 - Touching my gun! - I'm not, I'm not! 175 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:31,470 - Touching my gun! - And so, gun is on the table. 176 00:05:31,470 --> 00:05:32,762 - Chekhov likes that shit. 177 00:05:32,762 --> 00:05:33,985 - Not a Chekhov's gun. - That's some Chekhov shit. 178 00:05:33,985 --> 00:05:34,963 Woo! - [Vic] That is not- 179 00:05:34,963 --> 00:05:36,360 - I like this one. Stallion! 180 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:37,950 - No, no. I'm not a stallion. 181 00:05:37,950 --> 00:05:39,510 So, and sir, please. (JW barking) 182 00:05:39,510 --> 00:05:41,970 Well, we, we have a very fun segment. 183 00:05:41,970 --> 00:05:44,760 You brought a bushel of wildflowers that grow in your area 184 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:45,900 and I thought you could tell us more about it. 185 00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:48,660 So if we could fly in the bushel of wildflowers, please. 186 00:05:48,660 --> 00:05:50,610 - I want this. - [Vic] Okay. 187 00:05:50,610 --> 00:05:52,800 So you said you brought a bushel of wildflowers 188 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,330 for us to talk about and, nope, nope. 189 00:05:54,330 --> 00:05:57,150 Okay, nope, nope. No, okay, that's going so fast. 190 00:05:57,150 --> 00:05:58,590 Sir? Sir! (JW gulping) 191 00:05:58,590 --> 00:06:01,500 Sir, okay, so, okay, sir? 192 00:06:01,500 --> 00:06:04,560 Okay, so. Thirsty. 193 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:05,910 Okay, we're still going. 194 00:06:05,910 --> 00:06:06,840 That's a liter. 195 00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:09,150 I think you'd die if you finished all of that. 196 00:06:09,150 --> 00:06:10,305 - Wouldn't you be surprised? 197 00:06:10,305 --> 00:06:12,815 (JW belching) - What? What did you just say? 198 00:06:12,815 --> 00:06:14,700 - Will you shut up?! I'm having a sip! 199 00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:16,291 - Okay, so, (JW gulping) 200 00:06:16,291 --> 00:06:17,916 you're not gonna be able to finish that. 201 00:06:19,170 --> 00:06:20,550 - I accept your challenge humbly. 202 00:06:20,550 --> 00:06:21,853 - I'm not challenging you. 203 00:06:21,853 --> 00:06:24,033 I'm letting you know it's too much to finish. 204 00:06:25,350 --> 00:06:26,880 - This is the part where it gets harder. 205 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,430 - You're not even halfway done. 206 00:06:29,580 --> 00:06:31,350 - Oh my god! 207 00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:33,270 I can't finish that. - I know! 208 00:06:33,270 --> 00:06:35,007 - Cannot finish that at all. - [Vic] Yes, I know! 209 00:06:35,007 --> 00:06:37,110 - Oh, I'm sick to my stomach. - Okay. 210 00:06:37,110 --> 00:06:38,226 - You let me do that. 211 00:06:38,226 --> 00:06:39,468 - [Vic] No! No. (JW burps) 212 00:06:39,468 --> 00:06:40,897 - Oh god, I'm sick. - If we don't wanna talk 213 00:06:40,897 --> 00:06:41,730 about the wild flowers, 214 00:06:41,730 --> 00:06:43,235 I guess that's fine. - Well, where's the flowers? 215 00:06:43,235 --> 00:06:44,730 - I don't know, you said you brought flowers 216 00:06:44,730 --> 00:06:45,563 and you brought out a bottle. 217 00:06:45,563 --> 00:06:46,396 So here's what we're gonna do. 218 00:06:46,396 --> 00:06:47,430 I'm gonna ask you a different question. 219 00:06:47,430 --> 00:06:48,930 - Okay. - Why did your wife leave? 220 00:06:48,930 --> 00:06:49,860 - You want me to talk about that, 221 00:06:49,860 --> 00:06:51,390 I'm gonna have to finish this bottle. 222 00:06:51,390 --> 00:06:52,223 - Go for it. 223 00:06:53,315 --> 00:06:56,850 (whiskey sloshing) (JW gulping) 224 00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:58,470 You're drinking with such big sips 225 00:06:58,470 --> 00:07:01,350 and there's so little movement in that liquid. 226 00:07:01,350 --> 00:07:02,760 - It honestly feels endless. 227 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:05,370 - Can I? Okay, so just, you got it. 228 00:07:05,370 --> 00:07:06,203 What is this? 229 00:07:06,203 --> 00:07:07,230 - Whiskey. - Okay. 230 00:07:07,230 --> 00:07:08,820 - I brew it. I run the saloon. 231 00:07:08,820 --> 00:07:09,690 - Okay. That's really fun. 232 00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:10,523 Well, how about this? 233 00:07:10,523 --> 00:07:11,700 I'll take a sip and then you can ask me a question 234 00:07:11,700 --> 00:07:12,533 and then we'll flip, okay? 235 00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:14,190 - Stallion's back! - Not a stallion. 236 00:07:14,190 --> 00:07:15,025 - Woo! 237 00:07:15,025 --> 00:07:16,116 Wants to play a drinking game with me. 238 00:07:16,116 --> 00:07:18,990 - You know, I'm sort of like, I would be like a show horse. 239 00:07:18,990 --> 00:07:20,400 - That's the sexiest thing you've ever said. 240 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,830 - No, it's not. It's not sexy. - My god, I'm floored. 241 00:07:22,830 --> 00:07:24,480 - [Vic] So here we go. - What are the rules again? 242 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:25,313 - You ask me a question, 243 00:07:25,313 --> 00:07:26,310 if I don't wanna answer, I take a sip. 244 00:07:26,310 --> 00:07:27,726 - Slow down! 245 00:07:27,726 --> 00:07:29,070 Oh my god! 246 00:07:29,070 --> 00:07:31,260 - I'm in 0.5 speed right now. I don't know how to help. 247 00:07:31,260 --> 00:07:33,390 - If this is your 0.5, I'm gonna grab that gun 248 00:07:33,390 --> 00:07:34,410 and open my mouth. 249 00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:36,307 - No, none of that. 250 00:07:36,307 --> 00:07:39,660 - .25, please. You take a sip, and then what? 251 00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,719 - You ask me a question. - I start with a question. 252 00:07:41,719 --> 00:07:43,380 - And I either answer, 253 00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,330 or if I don't wanna answer the question, I take a sip. 254 00:07:45,330 --> 00:07:46,163 - Great. 255 00:07:46,163 --> 00:07:46,996 - And then I ask you a question. 256 00:07:46,996 --> 00:07:47,829 If you don't wanna answer, 257 00:07:47,829 --> 00:07:48,750 you take a sip. - I just finish the bottle. 258 00:07:48,750 --> 00:07:50,010 - All right, fine. 259 00:07:50,010 --> 00:07:51,360 So ask me a question. 260 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:52,320 - Ever killed anybody? 261 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:53,153 - No. 262 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:56,970 I heard you're repainting the town. 263 00:07:56,970 --> 00:07:59,481 What colors are you thinking? 264 00:07:59,481 --> 00:08:02,398 (JW gulping) (whiskey sloshing) 265 00:08:06,510 --> 00:08:09,393 - I'm so sick. - You don't have to do this! 266 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,215 - Oh my god! I made progress. 267 00:08:12,215 --> 00:08:13,048 (JW belching) 268 00:08:13,048 --> 00:08:14,610 - Okay, my turn. - I'm sick to my tummy. 269 00:08:14,610 --> 00:08:15,776 - Do you want your hat? 270 00:08:15,776 --> 00:08:17,376 - Is it off my head?! 271 00:08:17,376 --> 00:08:19,627 - What do you mean? No. 272 00:08:19,627 --> 00:08:21,320 It is, no! Put it down! - Who took my hat off?! 273 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:23,064 Who took my hat off?! - Put it down! 274 00:08:23,064 --> 00:08:24,690 - Who took my hat off? - It fell off your head. 275 00:08:24,690 --> 00:08:25,877 - Wait, how long's it been off? 276 00:08:25,877 --> 00:08:27,210 - So for one minute. 277 00:08:27,210 --> 00:08:28,890 - You ever shoot a gun? That's my question for you. 278 00:08:28,890 --> 00:08:29,940 You ever shoot a gun? 279 00:08:29,940 --> 00:08:31,090 - Yes, I've shot a gun. 280 00:08:32,310 --> 00:08:33,910 Okay, here's my question for you. 281 00:08:33,910 --> 00:08:35,700 - Sure. - Name two other people 282 00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:36,612 in the town. 283 00:08:36,612 --> 00:08:38,747 - Calcifer. - Okay. One. 284 00:08:38,747 --> 00:08:40,350 - Pete. - Calcifer and Pete. 285 00:08:40,350 --> 00:08:41,910 Okay. And are those friends of yours? 286 00:08:41,910 --> 00:08:43,470 - Bests. - You're living in a town 287 00:08:43,470 --> 00:08:44,340 with your two best friends. 288 00:08:44,340 --> 00:08:47,310 - Yeah, Calcifer, he's lost his mind. He's senile. 289 00:08:47,310 --> 00:08:49,110 - Elderly? - No, no, no. He's young. 290 00:08:49,110 --> 00:08:50,310 - Is he a child by any chance? 291 00:08:50,310 --> 00:08:51,810 - He's not a kid. No. - [Vic] Okay. 292 00:08:51,810 --> 00:08:53,310 - But if he was, I wouldn't make him work. 293 00:08:53,310 --> 00:08:55,080 - Let me take this. And now it's my turn. 294 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,300 - Yep. Question for you, you got a best friend? 295 00:08:57,300 --> 00:08:59,100 - My best friend is every single person 296 00:08:59,100 --> 00:08:59,933 that I come into contact with. 297 00:08:59,933 --> 00:09:01,530 - You know what I can tell about you? 298 00:09:01,530 --> 00:09:03,030 - What? - You've never lived 299 00:09:03,030 --> 00:09:04,110 a day in your life. 300 00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:08,910 I look at you. A nubile, amorphous blob of sorts. 301 00:09:08,910 --> 00:09:10,468 And the thing about living, 302 00:09:10,468 --> 00:09:11,409 not a compliment! 303 00:09:11,409 --> 00:09:12,242 - Continue. - And it's like, 304 00:09:12,242 --> 00:09:14,050 I used to be that way once. 305 00:09:14,050 --> 00:09:15,990 And then, you know, life happens. 306 00:09:15,990 --> 00:09:17,457 You come to own a town 307 00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:19,990 and you kill everyone that passes through. 308 00:09:19,990 --> 00:09:21,430 - What? What do you mean? 309 00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:23,850 - Oh, I don't let anyone into my town. 310 00:09:23,850 --> 00:09:25,860 - Right, but instead of being like, "Hey, closed," 311 00:09:25,860 --> 00:09:27,630 you're killing everyone that comes through? 312 00:09:27,630 --> 00:09:29,760 - With my gun. 313 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:31,440 - Where did your gun go? - Uh-oh. 314 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,090 - Your gun was on the table. Where did your gun go? 315 00:09:33,090 --> 00:09:35,340 - Where'd that go? - Is it back in your pocket? 316 00:09:35,340 --> 00:09:36,173 - Oh. 317 00:09:36,173 --> 00:09:37,006 - I said the gun goes on the table. 318 00:09:37,006 --> 00:09:38,010 You asked why I'm so freaked out here, 319 00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:39,510 and maybe it's because somebody brought a gun 320 00:09:39,510 --> 00:09:40,343 with ammunition 321 00:09:40,343 --> 00:09:41,520 into the studio, so. - Probably half the people 322 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:42,420 here have guns. 323 00:09:42,420 --> 00:09:43,830 - If you have a gun, raise your hand. 324 00:09:43,830 --> 00:09:45,870 - Everyone's hand's up. You just can't see from- 325 00:09:45,870 --> 00:09:48,030 - Okay, that's very clever. - That's pretty cool. 326 00:09:48,030 --> 00:09:49,050 I got a couple guns. 327 00:09:49,050 --> 00:09:50,490 - You have a couple of guns in studio? 328 00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:51,420 - Of course! - [Vic] Okay. 329 00:09:51,420 --> 00:09:52,770 - What are you not getting? 330 00:09:52,770 --> 00:09:54,870 I want you to try that. I brewed it in my saloon. 331 00:09:54,870 --> 00:09:55,703 - Okay, fine. 332 00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,090 (whiskey sloshing) 333 00:10:00,090 --> 00:10:01,615 - Mm, yummy. 334 00:10:01,615 --> 00:10:02,670 - It's delicious. 335 00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,500 - Yep. Wanna know what I put in there? 336 00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:06,390 - I would love to. - Lavender. 337 00:10:06,390 --> 00:10:07,740 - Okay. - Fennel. 338 00:10:07,740 --> 00:10:09,090 - I can kind of taste that actually. 339 00:10:09,090 --> 00:10:10,410 - Anise. - Fantastic. 340 00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:11,880 This is a little recipe moment. 341 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,133 - Local piss. - What? What's locapiss? 342 00:10:15,450 --> 00:10:17,310 - Local piss. - Local piss? 343 00:10:17,310 --> 00:10:19,350 - Now this is the speed you should be talking at. 344 00:10:19,350 --> 00:10:21,120 - Okay, so I'm gonna give that to... 345 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,650 - Okay. - [Vic] Just to clarify, 346 00:10:22,650 --> 00:10:24,150 you came on the show to try and get people 347 00:10:24,150 --> 00:10:26,910 to come and visit your town as a wonder of California. 348 00:10:26,910 --> 00:10:27,780 - [JW] Well, here's the thing. 349 00:10:27,780 --> 00:10:30,300 I've recently come around to letting people in. 350 00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:31,133 - [Vic] Okay. 351 00:10:31,133 --> 00:10:32,550 So it's sort of a closed community 352 00:10:32,550 --> 00:10:34,260 that's now opening their doors. 353 00:10:34,260 --> 00:10:36,060 - Sure. If you wanna fucking say like that. 354 00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:37,020 Gay as hell. 355 00:10:37,020 --> 00:10:38,295 - What? (laughs) 356 00:10:38,295 --> 00:10:39,128 (technical beep) (calm music) 357 00:10:39,128 --> 00:10:40,110 What's gay about that? 358 00:10:40,110 --> 00:10:41,610 - Just the way you said it, it's gay. 359 00:10:41,610 --> 00:10:44,220 - No, no, no, no. Actually no. 360 00:10:44,220 --> 00:10:45,570 - Gay. Gay shit. 361 00:10:45,570 --> 00:10:46,797 - We're actually gonna take this away from you, 362 00:10:46,797 --> 00:10:49,020 and I think we're done with this. 363 00:10:49,020 --> 00:10:49,950 - [JW] Oh, I'll finish that. 364 00:10:49,950 --> 00:10:51,090 - No, I don't think we need to finish that 365 00:10:51,090 --> 00:10:52,380 because we have another segment, which is, 366 00:10:52,380 --> 00:10:54,330 we know that you're very apt at music. 367 00:10:54,330 --> 00:10:56,220 - Well, yes. And you know what's so funny? 368 00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:57,980 I asked them to do this, but... 369 00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,470 - [Vic] Are you okay? - [JW] Yep. 370 00:11:01,470 --> 00:11:02,490 - Do you need help? - [JW] No, I'm good. 371 00:11:02,490 --> 00:11:04,188 - Okay, so. - Check it. 372 00:11:05,070 --> 00:11:07,368 - Was that in my fountain? - Uh-huh. 373 00:11:07,368 --> 00:11:08,537 (JW belching) - Okay. 374 00:11:08,537 --> 00:11:10,830 - Oh! Song for you, stallion. 375 00:11:10,830 --> 00:11:14,533 - No. (banjo strumming randomly) 376 00:11:16,890 --> 00:11:21,000 - [JW] G. G chord. (banjo strumming) 377 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:21,833 Fuck, hold on. 378 00:11:21,833 --> 00:11:23,460 - Okay, so we sort of had in our notes that you were a 379 00:11:23,460 --> 00:11:25,950 piano and organ prodigy and you sort of picked 380 00:11:25,950 --> 00:11:27,356 the banjo to play today. 381 00:11:27,356 --> 00:11:31,269 ♪ Oh ♪ 382 00:11:31,269 --> 00:11:35,019 ♪ The town was dark and gray ♪ 383 00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:36,929 (banjo strumming) 384 00:11:36,929 --> 00:11:39,982 ♪ The kids were sent away ♪ 385 00:11:39,982 --> 00:11:40,925 (banjo strumming) 386 00:11:40,925 --> 00:11:43,200 ♪ The dogs too ♪ 387 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:44,610 - Beautiful. Amazing. 388 00:11:44,610 --> 00:11:46,020 Absolutely fantastic. 389 00:11:46,020 --> 00:11:48,000 - Yeah, sorry, I don't really know how to play this, 390 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,860 but you know what, if you give me my harmonica. 391 00:11:49,860 --> 00:11:51,119 - Okay, we can fly in the harmonica. 392 00:11:51,119 --> 00:11:51,952 - [JW] We have a harmonica here? 393 00:11:51,952 --> 00:11:52,830 - [Vic] Okay, fantastic. 394 00:11:52,830 --> 00:11:53,850 - Yeah, you're gonna be surprised. 395 00:11:53,850 --> 00:11:54,960 - Okay. I can't wait. 396 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:58,193 So here we go. (cheerful harmonica music) 397 00:11:58,193 --> 00:12:01,813 (JW plays a refrain of "Oh! Susanna" on the harmonica) 398 00:12:01,813 --> 00:12:04,221 (tune trails off into random harmonica noises) 399 00:12:06,205 --> 00:12:08,370 Okay. You know what? 400 00:12:08,370 --> 00:12:10,290 Better than I was anticipating, 401 00:12:10,290 --> 00:12:12,697 but not nearly as good as I was hoping for. 402 00:12:12,697 --> 00:12:13,530 So. 403 00:12:15,930 --> 00:12:16,770 Okay, wonderful. 404 00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:18,060 - That's "Oh! Susanna." Run it back. 405 00:12:18,060 --> 00:12:19,590 - No, we don't have to run it back. 406 00:12:19,590 --> 00:12:21,330 Well, so maybe we'll ask some more questions 407 00:12:21,330 --> 00:12:23,550 and we'll sort of, and hey, what's up? 408 00:12:23,550 --> 00:12:25,200 Oh, come on. Hey. 409 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:26,610 - You asked me to be on your show 410 00:12:26,610 --> 00:12:28,530 and it's like, "What have I got to show for myself?" 411 00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:29,903 No good at banjo. 412 00:12:29,903 --> 00:12:33,540 No good at harmonica except for one third of "Oh! Susanna." 413 00:12:33,540 --> 00:12:35,820 I don't know. You even took my gun away from me. 414 00:12:35,820 --> 00:12:38,220 It's like, I don't even know what I gotta show you. 415 00:12:38,220 --> 00:12:40,972 I got a town and we got a bunch of missing kids and- 416 00:12:40,972 --> 00:12:41,850 - You know, you don't have missing kids. 417 00:12:41,850 --> 00:12:43,620 It sounds like you are sending them down to the mine. 418 00:12:43,620 --> 00:12:45,390 - Can't find them anywhere, and, 419 00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:47,100 - Okay. - my wife's gone and... 420 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,330 - It sounds like your wife left you. 421 00:12:48,330 --> 00:12:50,003 - What do I have to show? 422 00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:52,080 - Okay, come on. Don't do that. 423 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:54,660 - Why'd you pick me to be on this show? 424 00:12:54,660 --> 00:12:56,430 - You know, we, we got a couple of applicants 425 00:12:56,430 --> 00:12:58,920 and you sounded like you'd be the most interesting 426 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:00,300 - And am I? - [Vic] You know, honestly, 427 00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:01,590 I'm on a personal journey 428 00:13:01,590 --> 00:13:03,780 and what I'm learning is, no, don't make that face, 429 00:13:03,780 --> 00:13:05,040 'cause I was gonna be really nice to you. 430 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:06,990 - No, go ahead. Go ahead. - [Vic] I was gonna say, 431 00:13:06,990 --> 00:13:07,995 don't make that face. 432 00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:09,120 - I'm not making any face! I'm not making any face! 433 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:09,953 Keep going. 434 00:13:09,953 --> 00:13:12,446 - Hey, watch, two can play at this game. So here we go. 435 00:13:12,446 --> 00:13:15,990 - Okay, stallion! Woo! (whiskey sloshes) 436 00:13:15,990 --> 00:13:19,020 Oh my god, I'm rock hard. - Okay. No, no. 437 00:13:19,020 --> 00:13:20,250 I was gonna be really nice and I was gonna say 438 00:13:20,250 --> 00:13:21,083 you could have your gun back, 439 00:13:21,083 --> 00:13:22,290 but you're being, no. (JW belching) 440 00:13:22,290 --> 00:13:23,580 - I'm gonna take my gun. 441 00:13:23,580 --> 00:13:24,690 - You're not gonna take your gun. 442 00:13:24,690 --> 00:13:26,580 - Oh, a challenge. - No, it's not a challenge. 443 00:13:26,580 --> 00:13:27,807 - Three, two, one. - Two, one. 444 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,130 And so sort of same time... 445 00:13:29,130 --> 00:13:31,080 - [JW] Oh, yes, oh, yes. - Here we go. Here we go. 446 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:32,327 And we both got it. - All right, 447 00:13:32,327 --> 00:13:33,660 I'ma let you have it. - And I got it. 448 00:13:33,660 --> 00:13:35,190 - 'Cause that's the gentlemanly thing to do. 449 00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:36,840 - What if we did a shooting contest? 450 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:40,815 - There is nothing I'd like more than a shooting contest. 451 00:13:40,815 --> 00:13:43,050 Damn, that's a strong banjo. Jesus Christ. 452 00:13:43,050 --> 00:13:44,490 - Yeah. Here, you're gonna- 453 00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,050 - Jesus! - Okay. 454 00:13:46,050 --> 00:13:47,160 So we'll get that out of the way. 455 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,608 Mostly intact banjo. 456 00:13:48,608 --> 00:13:50,670 (calm music) 457 00:13:50,670 --> 00:13:52,080 - I can tell you're loosening up 458 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:53,153 for the first time in your life. 459 00:13:53,153 --> 00:13:54,960 - I don't know. Okay, let's do this, I'll get that. 460 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,700 - Jesus Christ. - Let's do it. There we go. 461 00:13:56,700 --> 00:13:58,249 Lemme get the glasses. - [JW] The fuck is going on 462 00:13:58,249 --> 00:13:59,915 with you? - [Vic] All right. 463 00:13:59,915 --> 00:14:01,230 No, don't do that. So here's what we're gonna do. 464 00:14:01,230 --> 00:14:02,940 - Put it on your head. - What? 465 00:14:02,940 --> 00:14:04,530 - Put it on your head. - No, I was gonna say maybe- 466 00:14:04,530 --> 00:14:07,350 - Hey, you trust me? 467 00:14:07,350 --> 00:14:08,730 - I don't- - Look at me. 468 00:14:08,730 --> 00:14:09,663 Look really deep. 469 00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:13,440 (western music) 470 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:14,273 You trust me? 471 00:14:17,265 --> 00:14:18,436 - Yeah. 472 00:14:18,436 --> 00:14:20,988 - Put that glass on your head. 473 00:14:20,988 --> 00:14:23,933 (western music continues) (whiskey sloshing) 474 00:14:23,933 --> 00:14:24,966 (gun chamber whirring) 475 00:14:24,966 --> 00:14:26,160 - And you're a good shot? 476 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:28,234 - No. - [Vic] Oh my god. 477 00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:31,142 (gun banging) (glass shattering) 478 00:14:31,142 --> 00:14:32,481 Oh my god. Did you feel that? 479 00:14:32,481 --> 00:14:33,750 - Yeah. I felt that. - My turn. 480 00:14:33,750 --> 00:14:35,474 - All right. - [Vic] Okay. 481 00:14:35,474 --> 00:14:37,443 - Your turn. I trust you. 482 00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:39,873 (western music continues) 483 00:14:39,873 --> 00:14:41,640 Take a look at my beautiful hair. 484 00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:44,955 - Okay, here we go. Three, two, one. 485 00:14:44,955 --> 00:14:45,960 (gun banging) (bird squawking) 486 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:46,960 - [JW] Oh my god. 487 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:47,793 (glass shattering) 488 00:14:47,793 --> 00:14:48,626 Oh my god, - [Vic] Oh my god. 489 00:14:48,626 --> 00:14:50,100 - [JW] you just killed a bird. Oh my god. 490 00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:51,420 - [Vic] Okay. No, I think that was there. 491 00:14:51,420 --> 00:14:52,253 - This bird is dead. 492 00:14:52,253 --> 00:14:53,086 - [Vic] No, I think it was there. 493 00:14:53,086 --> 00:14:54,480 - It has fishing wire on it. 494 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,100 - Okay, well then the bird clearly hanged itself! 495 00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:57,060 I didn't kill it! 496 00:14:57,060 --> 00:14:58,759 - Who let this bird kill itself?! 497 00:14:58,759 --> 00:15:00,840 - [Vic] Save him! Save him! 498 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:03,180 Oh my god! Oh my god! 499 00:15:03,180 --> 00:15:04,867 - [JW] You piece of shit, wake up! 500 00:15:04,867 --> 00:15:06,810 - [Vic] Come on! - It's just like my son! 501 00:15:06,810 --> 00:15:08,608 - What?! What do you mean it's just like your son?! 502 00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:10,532 - [JW] Wake up, Tony! 503 00:15:10,532 --> 00:15:11,768 (air sputtering) 504 00:15:11,768 --> 00:15:12,720 - We're gonna cut to a commercial break. 505 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:13,680 We're gonna cut to a commercial break. 506 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,696 I think we're gonna cut to a commercial break. 507 00:15:17,971 --> 00:15:19,748 (rock music) 508 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:22,257 (whispering) Okay, okay, okay. 509 00:15:24,660 --> 00:15:27,150 Hey Braden, I had a couple of notes on the lights here. 510 00:15:27,150 --> 00:15:28,254 Oh. 511 00:15:28,254 --> 00:15:30,150 Ow. Ow! 512 00:15:30,150 --> 00:15:31,740 Ow, Braden, help. Ow, I'm hurt. 513 00:15:31,740 --> 00:15:33,030 No, I'm, it's real, I'm hurt. 514 00:15:33,030 --> 00:15:34,560 I'm really hurt. I'm serious, I'm serious. 515 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,420 I'm serious. You're on a hidden camera show. 516 00:15:36,420 --> 00:15:38,130 Right there. You're on a hidden camera show. 517 00:15:38,130 --> 00:15:39,720 You got Chomp'd, Braden! 518 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,733 Braden, you got Chomp'd! Braden. 519 00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:44,700 Got Chomp'd. 520 00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:46,234 Okay, well, very funny. 521 00:15:49,530 --> 00:15:50,610 - He's gone. - [Vic] We're just gonna say 522 00:15:50,610 --> 00:15:51,443 he flew away. 523 00:15:51,443 --> 00:15:52,276 - Okay. - We're in a commercial break. 524 00:15:52,276 --> 00:15:53,109 We're just gonna go like this. 525 00:15:53,109 --> 00:15:53,942 (JW belches) I think he's fine. 526 00:15:53,942 --> 00:15:55,025 Ready, watch. He's gonna fly away. 527 00:15:55,911 --> 00:15:56,760 Okay. JW? 528 00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,920 - You can call me Smokes. Most people do. 529 00:15:58,920 --> 00:15:59,880 Before they die. 530 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:02,010 - Okay, so I will be calling you JW. 531 00:16:02,010 --> 00:16:05,250 - My granddaddy opened our town after the Gold Rush. 532 00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:07,650 - Really? - He built it hand and foot. 533 00:16:07,650 --> 00:16:09,930 - He built it hand and foot? - Put his whole pussy into it. 534 00:16:09,930 --> 00:16:11,580 - Okay. - He built that town. 535 00:16:11,580 --> 00:16:12,717 - Your father? - My granddaddy. 536 00:16:12,717 --> 00:16:14,490 - No, no, no. But then your father? 537 00:16:14,490 --> 00:16:15,750 - What about him? - What does he do? 538 00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:16,583 - He's in the mines. 539 00:16:16,583 --> 00:16:17,850 - What is your dad doing in the mines? 540 00:16:17,850 --> 00:16:18,930 - He walked away one day 541 00:16:18,930 --> 00:16:21,000 and I said, "If you walk away, 542 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,170 you can't ever come back this town." 543 00:16:22,170 --> 00:16:23,160 He said, "Don't worry about it." 544 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:24,450 - So why would you assume he was in the mines? 545 00:16:24,450 --> 00:16:25,650 - That's where most people go. 546 00:16:25,650 --> 00:16:27,390 - So again, the reason that we had you on 547 00:16:27,390 --> 00:16:29,850 is because this was a hot tourist destination. 548 00:16:29,850 --> 00:16:31,291 - It is. Big 549 00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:32,124 pond. 550 00:16:32,124 --> 00:16:34,650 - Big pond? - Right in the middle. 551 00:16:34,650 --> 00:16:35,700 Granddaddy dug it. 552 00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:37,230 - Okay, outside of the pond, 553 00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:40,260 I am begging you, name one reason 554 00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:43,290 that people should come and travel to 555 00:16:43,290 --> 00:16:47,250 and spend money to visit your town. 556 00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:48,083 (somber music) 557 00:16:48,083 --> 00:16:49,456 No. 558 00:16:49,456 --> 00:16:51,060 (JW sniffing) No. 559 00:16:51,060 --> 00:16:53,880 No, come on. Okay, so. 560 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:55,130 - What about me? - Okay. 561 00:16:55,974 --> 00:16:57,691 - Have you ever considered that I'm a reason? 562 00:16:57,691 --> 00:16:59,540 (somber music continues) 563 00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:01,440 - No, I didn't do this. 564 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,750 - Have you ever considered I could be a reason to visit? 565 00:17:03,750 --> 00:17:05,553 - [Vic] Hey, come on. Come on. 566 00:17:05,553 --> 00:17:09,330 - Have you ever considered maybe one lonely man is enough? 567 00:17:09,330 --> 00:17:11,760 A man teaching an empty school. 568 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:12,593 - You're the teacher? 569 00:17:12,593 --> 00:17:15,000 - A man serving drinks to nobody. 570 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,650 - So you're pitching the people to come to your town 571 00:17:16,650 --> 00:17:17,950 to visit you specifically. 572 00:17:18,870 --> 00:17:20,400 - Then why not? - I don't know, 573 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:22,800 because the world doesn't revolve around you. 574 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,090 Sort of what I've been told recently, 575 00:17:24,090 --> 00:17:25,800 is that you know, you don't get everything that you want 576 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,000 and it's not all about you. 577 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:31,703 - And if I told you that there's no one in my town? 578 00:17:31,703 --> 00:17:33,270 (somber music continues) 579 00:17:33,270 --> 00:17:35,295 I'm the mayor, 580 00:17:35,295 --> 00:17:36,620 I'm the bartender. 581 00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:37,503 - What about Pete? 582 00:17:39,570 --> 00:17:40,403 No Pete? 583 00:17:41,877 --> 00:17:43,500 - Pete ain't there. - [Vic] Okay. 584 00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:45,390 Honestly, maybe you should be marketing the town that way. 585 00:17:45,390 --> 00:17:46,770 Like a ghost town is like a thing 586 00:17:46,770 --> 00:17:48,210 that people do come to visit. 587 00:17:48,210 --> 00:17:50,980 - Hey, come see this one lonely guy 588 00:17:51,990 --> 00:17:54,090 latching on to the remains of a town 589 00:17:54,090 --> 00:17:55,650 that his granddaddy built. 590 00:17:55,650 --> 00:17:58,080 He's watched his friends live and die there. 591 00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,420 He sent all these kids down to the mines 592 00:18:00,420 --> 00:18:01,950 and then they died there too. 593 00:18:01,950 --> 00:18:03,690 Hey, come visit this guy! 594 00:18:03,690 --> 00:18:07,050 Hey, come visit this guy and his guns and his piss liquor. 595 00:18:07,050 --> 00:18:09,630 Hey, come on down, everybody! 596 00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:10,800 - Okay, calm down. 597 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,540 - What have they got to see? Nothing. 598 00:18:12,540 --> 00:18:14,280 - What do you think the meaning of life is? Huh? 599 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:15,113 - Hm. 600 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,440 You know, coming as a man who lives in a ghost town, 601 00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:20,340 one man town, 602 00:18:20,340 --> 00:18:23,762 I would say that the meaning of life is 603 00:18:23,762 --> 00:18:26,280 (somber music continues) 604 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:27,633 making it a two man town. 605 00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:30,120 - The meaning of life is making your one man town 606 00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:31,080 a two man town? 607 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,000 - When you repeated it, it sounded stupid, but- 608 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:33,840 - Well, no, I was just sort of, 609 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:34,683 that's sort of what reporters do. 610 00:18:34,683 --> 00:18:36,930 - When you repeated it, it sounded so dumb. 611 00:18:36,930 --> 00:18:39,012 - [Vic] It didn't sound dumb. I don't sound stupid or dumb. 612 00:18:39,012 --> 00:18:39,845 Oh! 613 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:43,470 - Oh, you wanna play with guns? 614 00:18:43,470 --> 00:18:44,303 - No, I don't wanna play with guns. 615 00:18:44,303 --> 00:18:45,136 I'm just showing you sort of, 616 00:18:45,136 --> 00:18:47,290 that was what you did is you were sort of like... 617 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:50,740 Whoa, whoa, whoa! - [JW] Oh, you wanna 618 00:18:50,740 --> 00:18:51,636 play with guns? 619 00:18:51,636 --> 00:18:52,469 - [Vic] Okay. (gun clicks) 620 00:18:52,469 --> 00:18:54,149 Okay, and we're, and we're calm. 621 00:18:54,149 --> 00:18:54,982 And we're sort of, 622 00:18:54,982 --> 00:18:56,046 what, trade? - [JW] This is my gun. 623 00:18:56,046 --> 00:18:57,870 - No, we can't, no, gimme back the, I want that one. 624 00:18:57,870 --> 00:18:58,860 No, I want that one. 625 00:18:58,860 --> 00:18:59,853 - No! - So no! 626 00:19:00,990 --> 00:19:03,630 - No. No. - No. No. 627 00:19:03,630 --> 00:19:06,060 (intense western music) (Vic chuckling) 628 00:19:06,060 --> 00:19:07,100 - No. - No. 629 00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:08,678 (chamber whirring) 630 00:19:08,678 --> 00:19:10,139 No. 631 00:19:10,139 --> 00:19:10,972 No, no. 632 00:19:10,972 --> 00:19:12,643 - No. No. - No. No. 633 00:19:12,643 --> 00:19:15,330 Okay, so, okay, I'm just gonna sorta, okay, 634 00:19:15,330 --> 00:19:16,980 and clear that off. 635 00:19:16,980 --> 00:19:19,410 Get off there, and- that, 636 00:19:19,410 --> 00:19:21,550 okay, come on, here we go. 637 00:19:21,550 --> 00:19:23,291 - Fuck, this won't, fuck. 638 00:19:23,291 --> 00:19:25,020 - Okay. Okay. 639 00:19:25,020 --> 00:19:26,700 - That's fine. - [Vic] Okay, here we go. 640 00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:28,901 - Sort of Les Mis-ing it. - [Vic] Sorta like that. 641 00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:29,734 (glass shattering) 642 00:19:29,734 --> 00:19:31,378 - Jesus Christ, stallion! - Here we go, here we go! 643 00:19:31,378 --> 00:19:32,802 Okay! Okay! 644 00:19:32,802 --> 00:19:33,635 Okay. 645 00:19:33,635 --> 00:19:35,910 Lemme sorta build that. 646 00:19:35,910 --> 00:19:36,864 Okay. 647 00:19:36,864 --> 00:19:37,697 - [JW] No one's in here, 648 00:19:37,697 --> 00:19:38,530 no one's in there. - [Vic] You're in for it. 649 00:19:38,530 --> 00:19:39,363 Come on! 650 00:19:39,363 --> 00:19:40,409 Come on. Okay. 651 00:19:40,409 --> 00:19:41,920 Come on. Come on. - [JW] Fucking fake-ass tarp. 652 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:44,383 - Okay. Okay. 653 00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:46,710 - Fucking hair, I need a haircut so fucking bad. 654 00:19:46,710 --> 00:19:47,730 - So this is how it ends, huh? 655 00:19:47,730 --> 00:19:50,280 - A shootout for the ages. 656 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:51,714 Oh, you're gonna fucking get it. 657 00:19:51,714 --> 00:19:52,947 - No. You're gonna get it. - You're gonna fucking get it. 658 00:19:52,947 --> 00:19:54,782 - You're gonna, here we go. 659 00:19:54,782 --> 00:19:56,670 (JW and Vic grunting) 660 00:19:56,670 --> 00:19:58,211 (guns banging) 661 00:19:58,211 --> 00:20:00,403 (JW and Vic panting) 662 00:20:00,403 --> 00:20:04,105 - Come out. Come out, come out, wherever you are. 663 00:20:04,105 --> 00:20:05,511 Come out! 664 00:20:05,511 --> 00:20:07,925 Daddy's got his gun. 665 00:20:07,925 --> 00:20:10,776 Come out, come out wherever you are. 666 00:20:10,776 --> 00:20:13,224 (intense western music continues) 667 00:20:13,224 --> 00:20:14,838 (gun banging) 668 00:20:14,838 --> 00:20:16,865 Almost got you. Almost got you. 669 00:20:16,865 --> 00:20:18,714 (gun banging) 670 00:20:18,714 --> 00:20:19,629 Slow motion. 671 00:20:19,629 --> 00:20:21,768 (gun banging) 672 00:20:21,768 --> 00:20:24,709 (guns banging) 673 00:20:24,709 --> 00:20:25,542 (JW grunting) 674 00:20:25,542 --> 00:20:28,209 - Hey, no throwing! No throwing! 675 00:20:29,104 --> 00:20:31,903 How do you like that? - Oh shit, I've been hit! 676 00:20:31,903 --> 00:20:32,745 I've been hit! 677 00:20:32,745 --> 00:20:36,384 (gun banging repeatedly) 678 00:20:36,384 --> 00:20:38,556 (intense western music continues) 679 00:20:38,556 --> 00:20:40,973 (Vic panting) 680 00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:44,650 (gun banging repeatedly) 681 00:20:44,650 --> 00:20:46,461 (Vic panting) 682 00:20:46,461 --> 00:20:47,403 - Jesus. 683 00:20:47,403 --> 00:20:48,310 - Okay. (panting) 684 00:20:48,310 --> 00:20:49,944 (intense western music continues) 685 00:20:49,944 --> 00:20:53,008 Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. 686 00:20:53,008 --> 00:20:55,122 Oh, no, don't even think about it. 687 00:20:55,122 --> 00:20:58,622 (guns banging repeatedly) 688 00:21:00,266 --> 00:21:01,907 You want some? 689 00:21:01,907 --> 00:21:03,158 - Yeah, I do. 690 00:21:03,158 --> 00:21:07,325 (intense western music continues) 691 00:21:09,206 --> 00:21:11,958 (Vic panting) 692 00:21:11,958 --> 00:21:16,958 (whiskey sloshing) (JW gulping) 693 00:21:19,512 --> 00:21:22,679 (tense western music) 694 00:21:25,854 --> 00:21:28,354 (Vic panting) (whiskey sloshing) 695 00:21:29,499 --> 00:21:33,499 (tense western music continues) 696 00:21:39,159 --> 00:21:39,992 - [Vic] Time in. (gun banging) 697 00:21:39,992 --> 00:21:41,927 (tense western music) - What the fuck? 698 00:21:41,927 --> 00:21:44,041 Jesus Christ, you gotta gimme a second to breathe! 699 00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:47,541 (guns banging repeatedly) 700 00:21:49,150 --> 00:21:49,983 (intense western music continues) 701 00:21:49,983 --> 00:21:50,900 - Ooh. Ooh. 702 00:21:52,503 --> 00:21:53,915 - Hey now. - Ah. 703 00:21:53,915 --> 00:21:55,260 - Yes! - Yes! 704 00:21:55,260 --> 00:21:56,574 No. 705 00:21:56,574 --> 00:21:59,515 (guns banging) 706 00:21:59,515 --> 00:22:01,932 (JW and Vic panting) 707 00:22:02,812 --> 00:22:04,816 (gun banging) 708 00:22:04,816 --> 00:22:06,247 - You're a wild one, stallion. 709 00:22:06,247 --> 00:22:07,890 (gun banging) 710 00:22:07,890 --> 00:22:10,390 (tense music) 711 00:22:11,679 --> 00:22:14,695 (Vic panting) 712 00:22:14,695 --> 00:22:15,828 (gun banging) 713 00:22:15,828 --> 00:22:17,336 (gun rattling) 714 00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:18,237 - [Vic] Ha! 715 00:22:18,237 --> 00:22:19,143 - You got me. 716 00:22:21,150 --> 00:22:24,726 Fine. Fair is fair, square is square. 717 00:22:24,726 --> 00:22:28,747 You can kill me. What I even gotta live for, huh? 718 00:22:28,747 --> 00:22:30,618 (somber western music) 719 00:22:30,618 --> 00:22:31,968 What I even gotta live for? 720 00:22:33,450 --> 00:22:36,773 I'm just a sad sack of a man living in his 721 00:22:36,773 --> 00:22:38,373 fucking no man town. 722 00:22:39,903 --> 00:22:41,453 A no man town with what? 723 00:22:41,453 --> 00:22:43,528 (JW panting) 724 00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:44,711 A bunch of empty buildings. 725 00:22:44,711 --> 00:22:46,674 - Yeah. - [JW] A saloon. 726 00:22:46,674 --> 00:22:47,507 - Yeah. 727 00:22:47,507 --> 00:22:49,440 - A saloon beneath a four star hotel. 728 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,813 - What? - A big botanical garden. 729 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:56,100 Mines, of course. But the waterpark. 730 00:22:56,100 --> 00:22:58,770 - What kinda waterpark? - It's a big one. Lazy river. 731 00:22:58,770 --> 00:23:00,330 - Like plastic slides? - Yeah, of course. 732 00:23:00,330 --> 00:23:01,500 - What? Why didn't you say that? 733 00:23:01,500 --> 00:23:02,333 - I got nothing 734 00:23:02,333 --> 00:23:03,960 to fucking live for. - I asked you for an hour. 735 00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:05,725 I said, "Oh, what are fun things in your town?" 736 00:23:05,725 --> 00:23:06,960 And you talked about- - The hotel has free wifi. 737 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,090 - You talked about piss. - We have a Verizon store. 738 00:23:09,090 --> 00:23:10,200 - You have a Verizon store? 739 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,533 - Everyone that works there's nice, 'cause it's me. 740 00:23:14,250 --> 00:23:15,720 I help everyone get on plans. 741 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:16,620 - And nobody's ever there? 742 00:23:16,620 --> 00:23:17,580 - No, it's just me. 743 00:23:17,580 --> 00:23:20,077 - That sounds incredible, I'd come. 744 00:23:20,077 --> 00:23:22,899 (calm western music) 745 00:23:22,899 --> 00:23:23,732 (JW burps) 746 00:23:23,732 --> 00:23:25,443 - What did you say? 747 00:23:25,443 --> 00:23:27,210 - Yeah, I said I'd... 748 00:23:27,210 --> 00:23:29,100 I said I'd, I'd come to your town. 749 00:23:29,100 --> 00:23:31,620 - Even with the lazy river that goes fast and slow? 750 00:23:31,620 --> 00:23:33,630 - Yeah. - Even with the wave pool? 751 00:23:33,630 --> 00:23:35,760 - What? Where is this? - 20 minutes outside of Ojai. 752 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:37,920 - Like an hour from LA? - Yeah. 753 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,740 - Right. Right. - Yeah. 754 00:23:40,740 --> 00:23:42,000 - I'll come. - You serious? 755 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:43,410 You'd come to my town? - Yeah. I'm serious. 756 00:23:43,410 --> 00:23:44,331 I would love to come to your town. 757 00:23:44,331 --> 00:23:46,110 - You come to my town and give me a reason to live? 758 00:23:46,110 --> 00:23:47,280 - Okay, like, if I'm totally honest, 759 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,290 I feel like I haven't had a vacation in a really long time. 760 00:23:49,290 --> 00:23:51,220 - Well, this wouldn't be a vacation destination, would it? 761 00:23:51,220 --> 00:23:52,290 - Yeah. - Even though we have 762 00:23:52,290 --> 00:23:53,460 a natural lake nearby? 763 00:23:53,460 --> 00:23:54,293 - I feel like you're kinda 764 00:23:54,293 --> 00:23:55,740 underselling it for yourself. 765 00:23:55,740 --> 00:23:56,970 You know what I mean? I'm just sorta like... 766 00:23:56,970 --> 00:23:58,380 Maybe we start with the wave pool 767 00:23:58,380 --> 00:24:00,060 and we end with the piss liquor. 768 00:24:00,060 --> 00:24:01,020 You know what I'm saying? 769 00:24:01,020 --> 00:24:03,210 - But the piss liquor's... 770 00:24:03,210 --> 00:24:04,290 Well, it's the most profitable, 771 00:24:04,290 --> 00:24:06,290 but I'm the only one spending money, so. 772 00:24:08,370 --> 00:24:09,630 - I'll say start with the hotel. 773 00:24:09,630 --> 00:24:11,130 - Okay. - Maybe hire a chef. 774 00:24:11,130 --> 00:24:12,630 Send him to Montreal to do- - We have a chef. 775 00:24:12,630 --> 00:24:13,530 - [Vic] Huh? - It's me. 776 00:24:13,530 --> 00:24:14,363 - Right, okay. 777 00:24:14,363 --> 00:24:15,660 - Good carrots au gratin. 778 00:24:15,660 --> 00:24:17,250 - And you said that this town was closed down for a while. 779 00:24:17,250 --> 00:24:19,727 Maybe you sort of like let people know about it. 780 00:24:19,727 --> 00:24:20,568 - Yeah. 781 00:24:21,551 --> 00:24:22,890 Yeah. 782 00:24:22,890 --> 00:24:24,330 And also now we got a nail salon. 783 00:24:24,330 --> 00:24:25,446 - Can they fix my hands? 784 00:24:25,446 --> 00:24:26,280 - Holy fuck. 785 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:28,800 - Okay, so maybe- - Hoo Jimminy. 786 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,125 - [Vic] Okay. - Gimme those. 787 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:32,100 No, you got good cuticles. 788 00:24:32,100 --> 00:24:32,933 - [Vic] Really? - Yep. 789 00:24:32,933 --> 00:24:34,020 - Are you the nail tech? - Yep. 790 00:24:34,020 --> 00:24:35,880 - Yeah, okay, that's what I thought. 791 00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:37,950 Okay, well yeah, I would, honestly, I would love to come. 792 00:24:37,950 --> 00:24:39,660 - I think I'm about to vomit from all the liquid. 793 00:24:39,660 --> 00:24:41,484 - Yeah, that makes sense. 794 00:24:41,484 --> 00:24:46,057 (calm western music continues) 795 00:24:46,057 --> 00:24:49,426 (JW retching) 796 00:24:49,426 --> 00:24:50,259 (upbeat music) 797 00:24:50,259 --> 00:24:51,870 I'm Vic Michaelis, reminding you to be true to yourself, 798 00:24:51,870 --> 00:24:53,490 unless you'd rather be somebody else. 799 00:24:53,490 --> 00:24:54,565 Good night. (retching continues) 800 00:24:54,565 --> 00:24:57,811 - [JW] Oh my fuck. Too much. 801 00:24:57,811 --> 00:24:58,644 Way too much. 802 00:24:58,644 --> 00:25:00,450 - Can I get a PA maybe to clean up the vomit? 803 00:25:00,450 --> 00:25:02,430 That would be great. 804 00:25:02,430 --> 00:25:03,263 - Hey squirts. 805 00:25:03,263 --> 00:25:05,163 It's me, JW Smokes. (upbeat western music) 806 00:25:05,163 --> 00:25:07,410 I recently found out my town is not so bad, 807 00:25:07,410 --> 00:25:09,300 so why don't you check it out yourself? 808 00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:12,090 It used to be population one, and it is mostly, 809 00:25:12,090 --> 00:25:13,710 but, come on. 810 00:25:13,710 --> 00:25:15,543 But every now and then, 811 00:25:15,543 --> 00:25:17,550 there's two! - There's two. 812 00:25:17,550 --> 00:25:18,700 - All right, skedaddle. 813 00:25:19,710 --> 00:25:20,951 - Oh, for me. - Yeah, skedaddle. 814 00:25:20,951 --> 00:25:21,784 I'm wrapping it up. - Okay. 815 00:25:21,784 --> 00:25:23,070 - Come on down to Wickmore. 816 00:25:23,070 --> 00:25:24,690 We've got everything. 817 00:25:24,690 --> 00:25:26,290 Four star hotel. 818 00:25:26,290 --> 00:25:27,365 Mines. 819 00:25:27,365 --> 00:25:28,198 Water park. 820 00:25:28,198 --> 00:25:30,240 Lazy river in the water park. 821 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:31,073 Kids, 822 00:25:31,073 --> 00:25:32,106 gone. 823 00:25:32,106 --> 00:25:33,722 Fresh baked bread every morning. 824 00:25:33,722 --> 00:25:36,660 A saloon featuring those old-timey swingy doors. 825 00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:38,043 My daddy's remains. 826 00:25:38,043 --> 00:25:39,390 A nail salon. 827 00:25:39,390 --> 00:25:40,856 A Verizon store. 828 00:25:40,856 --> 00:25:42,300 Nothing Bundt Cakes. 829 00:25:42,300 --> 00:25:43,133 Dirt. 830 00:25:43,133 --> 00:25:44,280 The only Arclight left, 831 00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:47,010 also an AMC and a Regal, three in one. 832 00:25:47,010 --> 00:25:48,540 The remains of my best friend, Pete. 833 00:25:48,540 --> 00:25:50,370 One of those sit-down Panda Expresses 834 00:25:50,370 --> 00:25:52,440 and they serve alcohol, like Taco Bell. 835 00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:54,780 McDonald's and you can walk through the drive through. 836 00:25:54,780 --> 00:25:56,670 Calcifer was never a real person. 837 00:25:56,670 --> 00:25:58,710 Come on down to Wickmore, 838 00:25:58,710 --> 00:26:01,757 where you're wick, and we got more. 839 00:26:09,643 --> 00:26:13,000 - Vic, kinda I have some bad news. 840 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:14,280 - You wanna go to lunch? - I'm really sorry. 841 00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:15,710 No. - No, I've got lunch. 842 00:26:15,710 --> 00:26:16,543 - [Paul] No, no, no. 843 00:26:16,543 --> 00:26:17,713 - You want a lunch? 844 00:26:17,713 --> 00:26:19,050 - I just, they asked me to let you know 845 00:26:19,050 --> 00:26:21,600 that Connie Chung actually canceled the interview, 846 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,970 so she's not gonna be coming in anymore. 847 00:26:23,970 --> 00:26:26,453 So you can go home. We're just gonna wrap early today. 848 00:26:28,110 --> 00:26:30,150 And I know that you've been doing these pranks 849 00:26:30,150 --> 00:26:31,020 and you think this is a prank. 850 00:26:31,020 --> 00:26:32,741 - I'm not getting Chomp'd. - This isn't a chomp. 851 00:26:32,741 --> 00:26:34,085 - I'm not getting Chomp'd. 852 00:26:34,085 --> 00:26:36,315 You can't chomp the chompster. 853 00:26:36,315 --> 00:26:38,741 You can't chomp the chompster. - And I knew you were gonna 854 00:26:38,741 --> 00:26:40,863 think it was a chomp, and it's not a chomp. 855 00:26:40,863 --> 00:26:41,762 - [Vic] Where is it? 856 00:26:41,762 --> 00:26:43,107 - It's, what are you 857 00:26:43,107 --> 00:26:45,867 even looking for? - Can't chomp the chompster. 858 00:26:45,867 --> 00:26:46,920 Can't do it. 859 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:49,787 All right, let's get Connie on the stage, please. 860 00:26:49,787 --> 00:26:50,670 (Vic barking) 861 00:26:50,670 --> 00:26:52,050 - [Paul] This really isn't a chomp. 862 00:26:52,050 --> 00:26:54,300 - Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, 863 00:26:54,300 --> 00:26:55,740 chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. 864 00:26:55,740 --> 00:26:56,943 Where are you, Connie? 865 00:26:58,080 --> 00:26:59,520 Okay, let's buckle up though. 866 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:00,543 Let's get serious.