1
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:08,925
[flicking lighter]

2
00:00:10,885 --> 00:00:11,803
[flicking lighter]

3
00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:20,895
[announcer speaking indistinctly
behind doors]

4
00:00:21,479 --> 00:00:24,274
[audience cheering in distance]

5
00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:36,244
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

6
00:00:36,327 --> 00:00:40,248
get ready for Pete Davidson!

7
00:00:40,832 --> 00:00:42,834
- [door opens]
- [audience cheering loudly]

8
00:00:43,334 --> 00:00:44,210
[door closes]

9
00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:50,633
[Pete] I just, uh...
I just turned 30 this week, so yeah.

10
00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:51,760
[audience cheering]

11
00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:54,763
No, it's over, dude. It's over.

12
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,974
I just, uh... I had to stop doing hard drugs

13
00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:01,311
'cause you can't...
can't be a drug addict in your thirties.

14
00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:06,232
I'm not that guy. You know that guy
that can just do one bump of coke?

15
00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:08,026
He's like, "Oh, I'm so bad!"

16
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:09,110
[audience laughs]

17
00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:12,781
Or that guy who'll have two beers, like,
"I might have diarrhea tomorrow."

18
00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:14,991
You're like,
"Fuck you, dude, you fuckin'..."

19
00:01:15,950 --> 00:01:19,120
Doing drugs in your twenties is fine.
There's an excuse.

20
00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:22,582
You're like, "I'm finding myself."
You know? It's cute, you know?

21
00:01:23,374 --> 00:01:26,836
Do a little bump off an iPad
with your friends? It's adorable.

22
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:31,174
Say cute things like,
"I'm a crispy little dolphin." You know?

23
00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:34,928
All your boys are like...
[makes dolphin sounds] You know?

24
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:37,889
Then one of your boys has a kid,
and you're holding it,

25
00:01:37,972 --> 00:01:42,102
you're like, "I think I'm a drug addict.
I think I need some help."

26
00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:46,731
I was on a magical drug

27
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:49,067
for the last two-and-a-half,
three years, called ketamine.

28
00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:51,694
- It was amazing. What a time!
- [audience howls]

29
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:56,199
I thought of amazing ideas, great ideas.

30
00:01:56,282 --> 00:02:00,453
Like, uh, an Italian sleep aid
called [in heavy Italian accent] Melatone.

31
00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:02,413
- Sorry.
- [audience laughs]

32
00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:04,124
[chuckles] Sorry. So dumb.

33
00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:06,751
You go to sleep right away with
[in heavy Italian accent] Melatone.

34
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:07,961
Sorry.

35
00:02:08,753 --> 00:02:11,506
No prescription. Some guy
just gives it to you under a bridge

36
00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:13,299
and kisses you on the cheek.

37
00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:15,385
[audience laughs]

38
00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:19,639
[in heavy Italian accent] "Take one
when you hit the turnpike. Alright, hey."

39
00:02:19,722 --> 00:02:20,557
Sorry.

40
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,979
If you don't know ketamine,
you probably did it accidentally

41
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:27,772
if you're a coke head. Yeah.

42
00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:32,402
You'll be doing coke all night.
You'll do one bump, and be like, "Whoa."

43
00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:35,071
"This is not cocaine."

44
00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:38,449
"Also, am I gay?"

45
00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:40,910
[audience laughs]

46
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:45,665
It's embarrassing
when you're not on ketamine anymore.

47
00:02:45,748 --> 00:02:46,916
You're like, "Ooh."

48
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:48,418
"Ugh!"

49
00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:53,089
"I'm embarrassed. I was out and about
like that. That's not cool." You know?

50
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:56,509
I was at funerals like that.
That's fucked up, right?

51
00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:59,262
I was at Aretha Franklin's funeral
like that.

52
00:03:00,388 --> 00:03:02,265
Yeah, I have to live with that.

53
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:05,977
She'll never know,
but still, it's not the point.

54
00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:07,979
If she was there, she'd probably be like,

55
00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:11,691
"Hey! Who are you and what the fuck
are you doing at my funeral?"

56
00:03:13,109 --> 00:03:14,569
It's embarrassing.

57
00:03:14,652 --> 00:03:17,572
I was so high I thought it was a good idea
to say to her family,

58
00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:20,450
"Hey, I'm just here
to pay my R-E-S-P-E-C-Ts."

59
00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:21,868
[audience laughs]

60
00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:22,827
Yes.

61
00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:31,628
I started renting movies on Apple.

62
00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:34,547
Fuck Apple and their rental service!
Scumbags!

63
00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:37,300
They're like the mafia,
those fucking assholes.

64
00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:39,385
They're such assholes as a company.

65
00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:43,097
Did I buy the new phone?
Of course, but... fuck them!

66
00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:44,265
They're like the mob.

67
00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:46,476
Like, "You're not getting
our new phone? Okay."

68
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:50,188
"Guess whose phone's at 43% forever.
Fuck you."

69
00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:53,858
"Every day of your life
is now a guess, my friend."

70
00:03:54,692 --> 00:03:57,403
"You just buy your new dream car?
Save up?"

71
00:03:57,487 --> 00:03:59,739
Oh, great. Charger port's different.

72
00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:02,700
Yeah. Every time you get a blow job now,
you gotta be like,

73
00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:05,703
"Sorry, they got a new charger.
Sorry about that."

74
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,664
"Yeah, I know. Apple! I know."

75
00:04:08,164 --> 00:04:08,998
Sorry.

76
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,335
Scumbags!

77
00:04:12,418 --> 00:04:16,714
You ever go to rent a movie on Apple,
and it's $4.99 to buy

78
00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:18,716
and $3.99 to rent?

79
00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:21,386
And you're like, "Fuck you, dude!"

80
00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:24,973
Really? You're going to make me
own <i>Jeepers Creepers 2?</i>

81
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:26,557
You fucking assholes!

82
00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:31,271
I don't know.

83
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,816
My mom's having a midlife crisis.

84
00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:38,987
Uh, yeah, she's really
far up my ass right now.

85
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,906
You know, she's 55.

86
00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:44,784
She hasn't been with anybody
since my dad died.

87
00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:48,413
So it's been like 23 years since she's,
you know, spread 'em, I guess.

88
00:04:48,496 --> 00:04:49,372
I don't know.

89
00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:55,920
She called me, having a midlife crisis.
She was like, "I want to get a facelift."

90
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:59,007
I was like, "For what?
You don't even use your face."

91
00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:01,092
[audience laughs]

92
00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:07,849
I'd get it if she was out
getting tagged or something.

93
00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:11,644
You know, what you getting a facelift for?
To watch <i>Grey's Anatomy?</i>

94
00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:13,730
[audience laughs]

95
00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:17,817
[in high-pitched voice]
"I love Eric Dane."

96
00:05:22,613 --> 00:05:26,367
Yeah, my mom won't fucking date.
I'm trying to get her to date.

97
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:29,287
She was like,
"Your father was my man." You know?

98
00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:32,165
- [woman] Aw.
- No! It... "Aw" at first.

99
00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:35,918
It's been 20 years
of this fuckin' Nicholas Sparks bullshit.

100
00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:40,048
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it!
She needs to get out there.

101
00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:43,134
Okay? She needs to sign up
to Hinge or fucking Bumble.

102
00:05:43,217 --> 00:05:46,054
Whatever the fucking...
The one the ladies get to choose.

103
00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:47,764
Whatever. Girls are so cute.

104
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:52,185
They're like, "It's cool! We get to choose
who comes on our face." Anyway, um...

105
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:53,811
[audience laughs]

106
00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:55,188
"Ain't that nice?"

107
00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:58,566
She needs to get out there

108
00:05:58,649 --> 00:06:01,736
'cause all that weird energy

109
00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,822
that's supposed to be on a cock

110
00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:07,950
goes to me and my sister, okay?

111
00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:09,911
And it's fucking weird.

112
00:06:13,956 --> 00:06:16,834
I'll go over to my mom's.
I'll hang out, eat dinner for an hour,

113
00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:20,713
and she's like, "Where you going?"
I'm like, "Home. What do you mean?"

114
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,883
Unless we're about to fuck
in the shower, I don't...

115
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:27,011
My duties as a son are done.

116
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:29,097
[audience laughs]

117
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:38,356
It's to the point where I might fuck her
just to get her off my back.

118
00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:40,024
- [audience laughs]
- Yeah, that's right.

119
00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:43,319
"Maybe you're just not as good
of a son as you think you are, huh?"

120
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,072
I'm the fucking son
of the century right here!

121
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,448
Give me my ribbon!

122
00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:52,578
If I fuck my mom over Thanksgiving,
my grandpa would kiss my forehead,

123
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:56,165
and go, "I heard what you did
for your mother. You're a good son."

124
00:06:56,874 --> 00:06:58,668
"She's smiling finally, hey."

125
00:07:05,716 --> 00:07:09,262
She needs to get out there.
I'm trying to find her a suitor.

126
00:07:09,345 --> 00:07:11,722
Someone to fuck my mom,
that's a difficult thing.

127
00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:14,475
You want it to be good
but you want the guy to be good.

128
00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:16,894
And that's... You know, that's a rarity.

129
00:07:16,978 --> 00:07:19,689
You want the type of guy
that fucks her missionary-only.

130
00:07:19,772 --> 00:07:21,732
But still makes her come twice,
rolls over.

131
00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:24,735
Hands her the remote, goes,
"Heard <i>Dancing with the Stars</i> is on."

132
00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:27,613
You know, that guy. Where is that guy?

133
00:07:32,201 --> 00:07:35,872
My mom's a good catch.
55, hasn't been with anyone in 23 years.

134
00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:38,082
It's like fucking brand-new down there.

135
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:42,211
Refurbished iPhone, right? You know?

136
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,547
Screen cracks. "Should I get a new one?"

137
00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:48,134
"No, send it
to this weird company called Insureon."

138
00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:51,304
In three weeks, you get it back,
and when you charge it, it's all weird,

139
00:07:51,387 --> 00:07:53,097
but it gets the job done pretty much.

140
00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:55,183
That's my mom's pussy, dude!

141
00:07:57,685 --> 00:08:00,480
Fifty-five, hasn't been
with anyone in 23 years.

142
00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:03,316
Brand-new down there.
She's like a classic car.

143
00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:07,069
She's like a '68 Mustang
with like 2,000 original miles on it.

144
00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,821
All original interior.

145
00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:10,573
You go to the dealer,

146
00:08:10,656 --> 00:08:13,534
get behind the wheel,
like, "Where the fuck's this been hiding?"

147
00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:16,621
"It's brand-new in here!
What's its story?"

148
00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:20,583
Then the guy's like,
"Well, some old guy had it and died."

149
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:24,712
"And his son kept it
in the garage for 23 years."

150
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:28,925
"But better make a move fast."

151
00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:31,886
"I hear the son's thinking
of keeping it for himself."

152
00:08:31,969 --> 00:08:33,429
[audience laughs]

153
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,598
"Hey, I like the way she drives."

154
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:40,061
"This thing is priceless to me."

155
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:46,901
My mom was a single mom, you know.

156
00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:50,154
But all moms are single moms,
you know, right?

157
00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:52,532
You know you're alone, right?

158
00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:57,870
My mom was so tired all the time.

159
00:08:57,954 --> 00:09:00,414
And now that I look back,
horny apparently.

160
00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:02,833
"Horny and tired."

161
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:06,754
So, like, I-I-I never wanted to tell her

162
00:09:06,837 --> 00:09:09,590
any of my troubles,
because she had no time for anything.

163
00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:13,094
And any time I told her a problem,
she always had one solution.

164
00:09:13,177 --> 00:09:18,182
She'd be like, "You should take a nap."
No matter the severity of the situation.

165
00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:20,726
That's the type of person my mom is.
In complete denial.

166
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:24,480
Both my wrists could be cut,
and I could be holding a knife.

167
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,024
Like, [in screeching voice]
"I don't wanna be here!"

168
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:31,904
She'd be like,
"Have you slept today? You look tired."

169
00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:36,409
She's that type of mom, you know.

170
00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:38,995
And I remember I had a huge problem
when I was ten.

171
00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:40,830
I thought I was gay, you know.

172
00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:43,374
I was wrong, but I thought, at ten,

173
00:09:43,457 --> 00:09:46,544
because I was obsessed
with Leonardo DiCaprio, I was in love.

174
00:09:46,627 --> 00:09:49,505
Yes. I was into girls too,
but I'm from Staten Island.

175
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:53,593
In 2002, no girl was hotter
than Leonardo DiCaprio in Staten Island.

176
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,720
What a piece of ass he was, oh my God.

177
00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:59,140
He still gets pussy today
based off what he looked like in 2002.

178
00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:01,809
He is the GOAT.
I hope he never gets married.

179
00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:05,813
Running the best catch and release program
the universe has ever seen.

180
00:10:05,896 --> 00:10:09,734
Leave him alone. I hope one day
I get invited to the big yacht in the sky.

181
00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:13,821
With Tobey Maguire
and sometimes Emile Hirsch, you know.

182
00:10:13,904 --> 00:10:17,325
"Matching Dodger hats,
chicks half our age, guts going."

183
00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:20,703
He don't give a fuck.
Leonardo DiCaprio don't give a fuck.

184
00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:24,665
He's all schleppy. He's not even in shape.

185
00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:28,586
He's all fucking fat,
slowly morphing into Jack Nicholson.

186
00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:30,171
He don't give a shit.

187
00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:32,548
Walking around on his yacht,
looking at babes.

188
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,300
Going, "Hey, uhh, I still fuck."

189
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:35,468
"Uhh!"

190
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:38,679
"Uhh! I still fuck. Uhh!"

191
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:42,350
"I make one movie so good
every three years,

192
00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:44,977
I just get to fuck. Uhh!"

193
00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:49,690
"The ice caps are melting. Uhh!"

194
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:57,198
So when I was ten, I was on my porch
all gay, thinking about this guy.

195
00:10:57,281 --> 00:11:01,911
Fresh off of a double-VHS of <i>Titanic.</i>
"Spit in my mouth, Jack," I would say.

196
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:03,996
[audience laughs]

197
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:07,124
"Let's fog up a Model T together."

198
00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:11,462
My dream is to be Fabrizio.

199
00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:12,797
[audience laughs]

200
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,840
You know, that's my dream in real life.

201
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:18,469
'Cause Fabrizio was Leonardo's best friend
and then he died.

202
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:20,930
That's my dream, dude.

203
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,723
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles]

204
00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:28,020
So I remember
I was sitting on my porch, you know,

205
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:31,982
and I was like, "How am I going to tell
my mom I'm gay?" You know what I mean?

206
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,902
My mom's an Irish Catholic
Staten Island mom.

207
00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:37,613
She didn't tell me
I was Jewish till I was 25,

208
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,740
and that's because I found out.

209
00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:43,953
I did a 23andMe or ancestry, whatever.

210
00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:47,081
One of my boys did it.
He came back Neanderthal.

211
00:11:47,164 --> 00:11:49,542
And he was talking
all this weird Neanderthal shit.

212
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:53,963
He was like, "I'm Neanderthal,
actually the rarest fucking..." [mumbles]

213
00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:58,676
I was like, "You're sill a dork.
You're still a fucking stupid dork."

214
00:11:58,759 --> 00:12:00,344
But he was talking all this shit,

215
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:04,390
I was like, "I got to get swabbed.
Maybe I'm Neanderthal or something."

216
00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:06,642
And it came back, I was like 50% Jewish.

217
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:10,396
And I called my mom, 'cause I was raised
Catholic and... [mimics chanting]

218
00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:12,690
All that forever. You know.

219
00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:16,235
I was like, "Mom, am I Jewish?"
She was like, "Yeah."

220
00:12:16,318 --> 00:12:18,487
[audience laughs]

221
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,990
So how am I going to tell her I'm gay?

222
00:12:22,324 --> 00:12:25,286
So I was sitting on my porch all gay.
My mom pulls up, right?

223
00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:26,912
Slams the car door.

224
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:29,415
She looks at me, goes, "What's wrong?"
I go "Nothing."

225
00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:33,252
She says, "No, what's wrong?"
I guess she noticed I looked a little gay.

226
00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:36,922
I go, "I think I'm gay."
She goes, "Are you tired?"

227
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:41,510
And I go, "No, I'm just... I don't think
sleeping fixes homosexuality."

228
00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:44,764
Imagine if it did?
Imagine if gays are just tired.

229
00:12:45,639 --> 00:12:47,516
Elton John must be exhausted.

230
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,393
[audience laughs]

231
00:12:51,645 --> 00:12:54,940
She goes, "Why do you think you're gay?"
I go, "'Cause of Leonardo DiCaprio."

232
00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:58,986
She goes, "That's not gay." I go,
"It is. I have posters of him in my room."

233
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:01,906
Like <i>Titanic</i> and the beach.

234
00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:04,575
Not even the movie <i>The Beach,</i>
just him on the beach.

235
00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:06,202
With Tobey, you know?

236
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:08,245
Matching Dodger hats, you know?

237
00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:11,165
She goes, "That's not gay." "Yes, it is."

238
00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:13,751
Right there, that was
too long of a problem for my mom.

239
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,169
She just snaps.

240
00:13:15,252 --> 00:13:18,547
She just goes, "All right!
You wanna know if you're gay, Peter?"

241
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,801
I'm like, "Whoa, what the fuck is this,
a circus all of a sudden?"

242
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:24,595
"Step right up! My son the queer!"
I was like...

243
00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:26,680
[audience laughs]

244
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:30,893
I'm like "Relax, we have neighbors.
They're starting to gather."

245
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,564
She goes, "This is how you know
you're gay. Let me ask you this."

246
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,233
"Do you want to suck his dick?"

247
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:41,070
I don't know what that means.
I'm ten. I just don't answer.

248
00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:44,073
She goes, "Do you want to suck his dick?"
And I just keep going...

249
00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:45,866
'cause I don't know what that is.

250
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:48,994
She goes, "Pull his pants down,
grab his dick, you know,

251
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:51,205
put it in your mouth till it expands."

252
00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:54,416
I was like, "What? Expands?
What the fuck are you talking about?"

253
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,669
I'm ten!
I got a baby button cock at the time.

254
00:13:56,752 --> 00:13:59,713
♪ <i>Baby button cock
Little weird boy cock</i> ♪

255
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:01,257
[audience laughs]

256
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:04,051
It expands?
What the fuck you talking about?

257
00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:06,637
She goes, "Do you wanna
get fucked from behind, Peter?"

258
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,347
"By Leonardo DiCaprio?"

259
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:11,016
"Do you want to look behind you
and Leonardo DiCaprio's behind you,

260
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:12,977
puts his dick in your butthole,
it expands?"

261
00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:16,063
I was like, "You gotta stop
with the expansion thing."

262
00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:17,773
I'm ten, it's 2002.

263
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:21,151
Only expansion I'm aware of,
Houston Texans are now in the NFL.

264
00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:24,363
That is it! I don't know
about cock expansion, Mom.

265
00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:27,199
She goes, "You get fucked from behind
by Leonardo."

266
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:31,036
"And he's going to town,
and he mushes your face in the pillow."

267
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:34,999
"You're down there for 20 seconds,
and then you look up, and all of a sudden,

268
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:37,751
Leonardo's outside the window
waving at you."

269
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:39,336
"You're confused,

270
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,630
'cause you're still getting fucked
from behind."

271
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:45,134
"And then you look behind you,
and it's Tobey Maguire! Tobey Maguire!"

272
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:47,970
"Is that what you want?"

273
00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:52,600
I was like, "Sounds like you need a nap,
and that's what you want, psychopath."

274
00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:55,519
I just said, "No!"

275
00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:57,521
And she goes, "Not gay."

276
00:14:57,605 --> 00:14:59,565
[audience laughs]

277
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,947
This is going to sound weird.
I don't like doing Make-A-Wishes.

278
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:09,617
- Um...
- [audience laughs]

279
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:12,119
Just 'cause they're sad, that's all.

280
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:14,747
By the way, not getting
a lot of offers, might add.

281
00:15:15,539 --> 00:15:19,209
Believe it or not, it's not a lot
of people's dying wish to meet me.

282
00:15:19,293 --> 00:15:23,297
It's usually their wish for me
to die, actually. Complete opposite.

283
00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:25,090
There's a foundation for that.

284
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,677
I don't like doing them
'cause they're sad, that's all.

285
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:32,598
They make me really sad,
especially when you're in a k-hole.

286
00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:36,101
When you're on ketamine,
and they say, "This kid is sick."

287
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:37,478
You're like, "I know."

288
00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:41,190
"And I'm pretty sure I could cure him."

289
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:43,567
[audience laughs]

290
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:47,780
"Listen to Alan Watts
and put on <i>The Last Dragon.</i> Let's go."

291
00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:48,739
Sorry.

292
00:15:49,865 --> 00:15:51,158
They're just sad, that's all.

293
00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:53,744
The Make-A-Wish Foundation called,
"We got one for you!"

294
00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:56,789
I was like, "That's a weird way
to go about it." Right?

295
00:15:56,872 --> 00:15:58,457
I don't know the right one, but...

296
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:04,129
Not like, "Hey, we caught one!
Real sicko! A real sick one."

297
00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:07,716
"That's what we do."

298
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,428
They call me, "His name's Kevin,
he's dying of cancer."

299
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,097
I said, "That's so sad. I'm sorry."

300
00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:15,265
They're like,
"His dying wish is to meet you."

301
00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:17,017
I said, "Is it brain cancer?"

302
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:19,103
[audience laughs]

303
00:16:22,314 --> 00:16:24,608
So I set it up.
They ask, "Do you want to do this?"

304
00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:28,487
I was like, "Yeah, I just drove
into a house, I could use good press."

305
00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:30,364
[audience laughs]

306
00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:35,953
In my defense, that house cut me off,
all right? That fucking... Just fucking...

307
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:39,790
They didn't put that in the article.

308
00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:45,879
So I'm nervous, because I'm not
a good Make-a-Wish guy candidate.

309
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:48,048
If there was a Make-a-Wish video game,

310
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:51,010
I wouldn't be a character
you could select.

311
00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:54,304
Like, "Pete Davidson!" You know?

312
00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:59,143
It wouldn't be me.
You know who's good at that? Johnny Depp.

313
00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:02,229
Johnny Depp comes in
dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow.

314
00:17:02,312 --> 00:17:04,690
He's like, "Hello, children." [mumbles]

315
00:17:04,773 --> 00:17:07,151
And the kids are laughing,
and the nurses are wet.

316
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:10,112
It's fucking awesome.
They're fucking all, like, soaked.

317
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,490
He's good, you know?

318
00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:15,909
Or John Cena, the wrestler. He's amazing.

319
00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:18,370
I think he's done the most ever.
God bless him.

320
00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:21,123
He comes in.
He has, like, a championship belt.

321
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:25,002
He's all wrestlery. He's like,
"What's up, son? How you doing, champ?"

322
00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:26,628
The kid's like, "Oh!"

323
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:29,423
And then he's like, "Wanna hold my belt?"
"Huh? Wanna hold my belt?"

324
00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:33,927
I'm watching, like, "I don't have a belt.
What am I going to do? I got nothing."

325
00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:36,221
Give him my phone
and say, "Scroll to the right"?

326
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,348
"Want to see some ass, dude? Fuck yeah."

327
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:40,017
"Yeah, she's cool, dude."

328
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,311
"She's actually your doctor." Anyway...

329
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:44,396
[audience laughs]

330
00:17:45,981 --> 00:17:49,860
So I was all nervous, you know,
'cause I want to show up for this kid.

331
00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:51,361
I want to kill it, you know.

332
00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:54,782
The Make-A-Wish, not actually...
That would be easier.

333
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:57,826
Wouldn't that be great?
You get murdered by your favorite celeb.

334
00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:00,621
"It's been great. Yep." Bang!

335
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:02,372
[audience laughs]

336
00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:04,792
So I was thinking, "What's my belt?"

337
00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:06,335
I want to crush this.

338
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:08,879
This is a huge deal. I want to do well.

339
00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:12,007
And I was like, "Ooh."
I was like, "Okay, let's think about it."

340
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,093
The kid is going to die, right?

341
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:18,388
That's... No, I'm not being a dick.
That's just what a Make-A-Wish is.

342
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:19,723
That's all.

343
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,559
Otherwise, why would you hang out
with a kid for three hours?

344
00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:26,105
That's weird, you know.
You'd be a pedophile, actually.

345
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:30,859
Ironically, for a pedophile,
that would be their Make-a-Wish, you know?

346
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,445
Hang out with a dying, weak one, you know?

347
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:37,741
[audience laughs]

348
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:41,537
Yeah, I don't give a fuck.
I was molested, so I can make those jokes.

349
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:44,123
- I don't give a shit, so there you go.
- [audience cheers]

350
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:47,126
I'm not saying that to be cool.
I just don't have the Internet.

351
00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:50,712
I don't do interviews.
I don't wanna be like, "Well, actually..."

352
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:52,798
[audience laughs]

353
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,846
I was like, "This kid's gonna die,
there's nothing I can do." Right?

354
00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:03,517
But what I could do,
I could tell him all of my secrets.

355
00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:06,520
Right? I have a lot of secrets.

356
00:19:06,603 --> 00:19:09,439
I don't kiss and tell
'cause I'm an old-school broad.

357
00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:13,068
I keep it to the chest,
and I hope God gets you.

358
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,278
That's how I roll.

359
00:19:14,945 --> 00:19:16,363
I have a lot of secrets,

360
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:19,366
things I can't tell my friends
or my therapist,

361
00:19:19,449 --> 00:19:21,326
'cause I don't trust them, you know.

362
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:24,454
And I'm pretty sure
one of them works for the <i>Daily Mail.</i>

363
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,456
[audience laughs]

364
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:30,794
But I was like, "I can tell this kid
'cause it's not going anywhere."

365
00:19:32,713 --> 00:19:36,341
It's like a sure thing.
Very few things in life are sure.

366
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:37,801
It's kinda nice, you know.

367
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:39,052
So that's what I did.

368
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:41,638
I hung out with him for three hours,
sung like a canary.

369
00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:45,475
Told him everything. "This guy's
actually cool, this guy's not."

370
00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:49,855
"This guy's in the Illuminati,
this guy needs to be burned to come."

371
00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:53,275
One of those is me,
and I won't tell you which one.

372
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:57,779
We had an amazing time.
He was so happy. I was so happy.

373
00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:59,740
A huge weight was lifted off of me too.

374
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:02,784
I got to tell him some stuff,
get some stuff off my chest.

375
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,620
It was great, beautiful. He hugged me.

376
00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:07,206
He said, "That was so much fun.
I'll see you around."

377
00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:10,500
I was like, "Well,
I don't know about that, but... you know..."

378
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:13,128
I was like,
"Godspeed, little man, you know."

379
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,046
How cool was that?

380
00:20:14,129 --> 00:20:17,841
Hit him with a "Godspeed." Huh?
How often do you get to do that in life?

381
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:21,637
I remember driving home, like, "Godspeed,
you motherfucker. That's pretty cool."

382
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,931
"What are you, Magnum PI?
That was awesome."

383
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,808
And I felt great.

384
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:30,145
And then a week went by,
and I went on the Make-A-Wish website,

385
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,105
and the kid was still alive.

386
00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:34,191
[audience laughs]

387
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:40,072
[audience laughs]

388
00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:43,283
Started getting a little nervous.

389
00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:47,412
I don't know who this kid knows.

390
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:52,793
So I called up the foundation,
check up on him, you know.

391
00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:55,754
Make sure no miracles are afoot.

392
00:20:55,837 --> 00:20:57,214
[audience laughs]

393
00:20:57,798 --> 00:20:59,174
Hey, I held up my end!

394
00:21:02,135 --> 00:21:03,929
I was promised a dead child!

395
00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:05,222
[audience laughs]

396
00:21:05,305 --> 00:21:07,182
I'm tired of people lying to me!

397
00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:12,813
So I call up the fucking Make-A-Liars.

398
00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:16,066
I go, "Hey,
you fucking lying sacks of shit."

399
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,778
They go, "Who is this?"
I go, "It's Pete Davidson."

400
00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:23,407
They go, "Kevin was just telling us
what a wonderful time he had."

401
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:24,908
I go, "I had a great time too."

402
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:28,120
"He said you really shared a lot."
I go, "Oh fuck, did he?"

403
00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:31,707
I guess a pinky promise
means dick to Kevin.

404
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:37,254
I go, "How's he doing?"

405
00:21:37,337 --> 00:21:39,798
They go, "Well, not well,
but there's always hope."

406
00:21:39,881 --> 00:21:42,801
I go. "Yeah, well, how much?
How much hope do you think?

407
00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:48,140
'Cause if cancer don't get him,
I will, at this point. He knows too much.

408
00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:52,978
They go "We appreciate your concern."
I go, "Oh, I'm very, very concerned."

409
00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:55,814
"You let me know when it happens."

410
00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:58,775
They go, "We will." Hung up.

411
00:21:58,859 --> 00:22:01,278
Next week,
I was freaking out a little bit.

412
00:22:01,361 --> 00:22:03,363
Just looking at the phone.

413
00:22:04,197 --> 00:22:06,199
And then, you know, finally. Yeah.

414
00:22:06,908 --> 00:22:08,827
[audience laughs]

415
00:22:08,910 --> 00:22:11,163
They called, you know, and, uh, yeah.

416
00:22:12,247 --> 00:22:13,457
Wish fulfilled.

417
00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:15,542
[audience laughs]

418
00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:21,298
Joke over, he dies. That's it.

419
00:22:21,381 --> 00:22:22,924
There is no happy ending.

420
00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:27,137
It is a happy ending, in that it's exactly
what was supposed to happen.

421
00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:34,144
I was watching Chappelle specials,
and I noticed...

422
00:22:34,227 --> 00:22:35,270
Yeah, he's the best.

423
00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:39,232
I noticed when he's crushing and having
a good time, he'll be like, "Aah!"

424
00:22:40,984 --> 00:22:42,903
That actually hurt a little bit.

425
00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:45,906
Chappelle got some thick legs doing that.

426
00:22:47,616 --> 00:22:49,659
I was like, "I wish
I had one of those things,

427
00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:51,453
where I'm crushing, and I get to..."

428
00:22:51,536 --> 00:22:52,662
Whatever that...

429
00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:56,124
Maybe when I'm doing well,
I-I-I-I'll go like this.

430
00:22:58,627 --> 00:22:59,544
"Wish fulfilled."

431
00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:02,214
[audience laughs]

432
00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:08,136
Maybe... Maybe I'll carry around
packing peanuts in my pocket,

433
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:11,098
and after a punchline, I'll be like...

434
00:23:11,181 --> 00:23:13,600
[audience laughs]

435
00:23:17,646 --> 00:23:19,356
It's been a very sad year.

436
00:23:20,607 --> 00:23:21,983
I lost my stalker.

437
00:23:24,277 --> 00:23:26,196
I think that's sad, you know?

438
00:23:26,279 --> 00:23:28,573
You really don't know
what you got till it's gone.

439
00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:30,283
[audience laughs]

440
00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:34,246
You know, I remember when I first met
my stalker. She was outside my house.

441
00:23:35,372 --> 00:23:38,708
It's weird when you get a stalker,
'cause there's two parts of your brain.

442
00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:42,587
First time you get a stalker, you're like,
"Oh my God, this is so weird and scary."

443
00:23:42,671 --> 00:23:46,633
But there's the other part of your brain,
"I guess I'm doing well." [giggles]

444
00:23:47,342 --> 00:23:51,513
Then you get a good look at your stalker,
and you're like, "Maybe not so well, huh?"

445
00:23:54,224 --> 00:23:56,518
I'll never forget.
I met her. She was outside my house,

446
00:23:56,601 --> 00:23:58,979
wearing a shirt with my face on it.

447
00:23:59,729 --> 00:24:01,982
And it wasn't even a flattering photo.

448
00:24:02,732 --> 00:24:06,820
It was like blown up and warped.
My eyes were all over.

449
00:24:06,903 --> 00:24:09,948
It was like a nightmare.
It was so... It insulted me.

450
00:24:10,031 --> 00:24:12,617
It was so bad. I wanted
to go up to her and be like, "Hey."

451
00:24:12,701 --> 00:24:14,661
"If you're ever going to do this, like,

452
00:24:14,744 --> 00:24:18,874
here's five photos of myself
that I like, okay?"

453
00:24:20,417 --> 00:24:22,794
So, you know, I pull up, she's out there.

454
00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:25,172
She's a stalker, so, you know.

455
00:24:25,922 --> 00:24:27,132
Not hot, you know?

456
00:24:29,092 --> 00:24:31,970
That's what you picture
when you picture a stalker. Not hot.

457
00:24:32,053 --> 00:24:33,054
If they were hot,

458
00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:36,349
they wouldn't be a stalker,
they'd be my girlfriend.

459
00:24:36,433 --> 00:24:40,562
So... yeah. "How much do you love me?
We'll figure it out. Get up there."

460
00:24:41,646 --> 00:24:43,607
So I'm outside, right?

461
00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:45,734
And I pull up, and she's there.

462
00:24:45,817 --> 00:24:49,154
And I don't have a gun, right?
But she doesn't know that, right?

463
00:24:49,696 --> 00:24:51,698
So I was watching
a lot of <i>SVU</i> at the time,

464
00:24:51,781 --> 00:24:53,825
and when they're approaching the perp,

465
00:24:53,909 --> 00:24:55,827
they get out of the car,
they show their gun,

466
00:24:55,911 --> 00:24:58,288
and they usually put it
in their jacket like this,

467
00:24:58,997 --> 00:25:03,001
and they walk to let 'em know
they got one, but not to alarm people.

468
00:25:03,585 --> 00:25:06,129
And I didn't have a gun,
but she don't fucking know that, right?

469
00:25:06,213 --> 00:25:08,089
So I made a finger gun,

470
00:25:08,715 --> 00:25:11,134
and I put it in my pocket like this.

471
00:25:11,218 --> 00:25:13,678
And I started walking towards her, okay?

472
00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:16,973
So I'm looking at her like this.

473
00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:19,768
And she's kind of smiling at me.

474
00:25:19,851 --> 00:25:22,521
She's kinda...
I was like, "Why is she smiling?"

475
00:25:22,604 --> 00:25:26,149
Then I was like, "Oh.
She thinks I have a boner." Okay, yeah.

476
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:28,985
This is like her Make-A-Wish. This is...

477
00:25:29,945 --> 00:25:31,029
And I literally went,

478
00:25:31,112 --> 00:25:34,908
"Not a boner, just a finger gun,"
which I think is worse.

479
00:25:34,991 --> 00:25:37,702
I should have just had a boner,
to be honest with you.

480
00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:41,081
'Cause now I'm a loser
in front of my own stalker, and I'm...

481
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:44,417
Now she's winning.
Now I'm bothering her in a weird way.

482
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,380
So, I go, "What are you doing here?"

483
00:25:48,463 --> 00:25:51,383
And I don't know where to look
'cause I'm on her shirt,

484
00:25:51,466 --> 00:25:54,594
and I'm all over the place. And she's...

485
00:25:54,678 --> 00:25:58,390
I'm a little scared to talk to her,
so I'm just, like, confused.

486
00:25:58,473 --> 00:26:02,477
I said, "What are you doing here?"
And she just said, "I love you!" You know.

487
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:05,647
I was like, "That's very nice,
but you can't be here."

488
00:26:05,730 --> 00:26:06,731
And she goes, "Why?"

489
00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:10,193
I was like, "I don't know,
it's never gotten this far, to be honest."

490
00:26:10,277 --> 00:26:13,196
Usually you go, "Get the fuck out."
People say, "Sorry!"

491
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,031
I didn't expect someone to challenge.

492
00:26:15,115 --> 00:26:18,451
I was like, "I don't know,
you just can't be here."

493
00:26:18,535 --> 00:26:19,953
And she was like, "Why?"

494
00:26:20,036 --> 00:26:22,414
I was like... I don't...
I don't know where to go.

495
00:26:22,497 --> 00:26:26,418
I was trying to think what to say,
and then I was thinking about it.

496
00:26:26,501 --> 00:26:28,587
She seemed a little nuts, you know?

497
00:26:29,212 --> 00:26:31,214
You know, I... I'm crazy.

498
00:26:31,298 --> 00:26:34,801
So crazy people could, you know...
Like, we can tell.

499
00:26:35,343 --> 00:26:37,971
She's definitely a little nuts.
She's, you know...

500
00:26:38,054 --> 00:26:40,098
First of all, look at the shirt, you know.

501
00:26:41,016 --> 00:26:41,850
You know.

502
00:26:43,143 --> 00:26:46,187
And she's stalking me,
you know what I mean? That's...

503
00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:49,065
So I felt a little bad.

504
00:26:49,149 --> 00:26:53,862
I was like, "You got to be nice
and careful with the situation," right?

505
00:26:53,945 --> 00:26:56,740
So I told her. I was like...

506
00:26:58,575 --> 00:27:01,244
I kind of went elementary school on her.

507
00:27:01,328 --> 00:27:02,746
I went like, "Hey."

508
00:27:02,829 --> 00:27:07,292
I was like, "You can't be here
because this is where I go poopy."

509
00:27:07,375 --> 00:27:09,377
[audience laughs]

510
00:27:12,339 --> 00:27:16,092
And after I said that,
a little light flickered in her eye,

511
00:27:16,176 --> 00:27:18,637
like she was a Who from Whoville. She was...

512
00:27:19,346 --> 00:27:21,890
She was like, "What?"
I said, "Yeah, I go poopy here."

513
00:27:21,973 --> 00:27:23,433
She goes, "Ugh."

514
00:27:24,851 --> 00:27:27,562
"You wouldn't want to be here
while I'm doing that."

515
00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:28,772
And she goes, "No!"

516
00:27:28,855 --> 00:27:32,567
I got a little embarrassed.
I was like, "Why? You'd be so lucky."

517
00:27:33,193 --> 00:27:35,862
"You'd be so lucky
if you were around my poopy."

518
00:27:35,945 --> 00:27:36,780
She said "What?"

519
00:27:36,863 --> 00:27:39,491
I was like, "Never mind.
Yeah, you shouldn't come here."

520
00:27:39,574 --> 00:27:41,409
"I could be pooping and that's gross."

521
00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:44,704
"And I have Crohn's,
so it could be a war zone up there."

522
00:27:45,330 --> 00:27:48,416
And she was like, "Okay, I'm sorry.
I won't ever come back here."

523
00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:51,503
Then she left. Right?
I thought the problem was solved.

524
00:27:51,586 --> 00:27:54,130
No, that is just
our first encounter. Okay?

525
00:27:54,756 --> 00:27:58,385
It's a very long story, so buckle in.
Also, I do have Crohn's.

526
00:27:58,468 --> 00:28:01,221
I told people I had Crohn's
when I was like 19, 20,

527
00:28:01,304 --> 00:28:02,722
'cause I had it really bad,

528
00:28:02,806 --> 00:28:06,101
and then now it's mostly fine,
like, 90% of the time.

529
00:28:06,184 --> 00:28:08,395
Uh, but like, I...

530
00:28:09,396 --> 00:28:12,107
It's weird.
I don't like telling people that,

531
00:28:12,190 --> 00:28:15,985
like, 'cause I got good meds
'cause things are going all right,

532
00:28:16,069 --> 00:28:17,362
so I'm doing okay...

533
00:28:17,445 --> 00:28:19,406
But the reason why I thought...

534
00:28:19,489 --> 00:28:22,325
that's a gross thing to say,
but I have to say it

535
00:28:22,409 --> 00:28:25,620
because people come up to me outside,

536
00:28:26,246 --> 00:28:29,958
and try to bond with me over Crohn's.

537
00:28:31,126 --> 00:28:32,585
And it's just like...

538
00:28:32,669 --> 00:28:34,796
Not even at the bathroom,
you know what I mean?

539
00:28:34,879 --> 00:28:38,466
I'll just be in line at a store,
and someone'll come up to me

540
00:28:38,550 --> 00:28:39,843
and be like, "Hey!"

541
00:28:41,261 --> 00:28:42,262
"Me too."

542
00:28:42,345 --> 00:28:43,722
[audience laughs]

543
00:28:44,305 --> 00:28:47,016
And I'm like "What?"
And they just go, "Yeah."

544
00:28:48,768 --> 00:28:51,104
"I got a poopy butthole as well."

545
00:28:51,187 --> 00:28:54,274
"Name's Phil." I'm like, "Ugh! Fuck it."

546
00:28:55,984 --> 00:28:59,696
I don't have the heart to say,
"I don't have <i>your</i> Crohn's."

547
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:02,699
I'm like the Magic Johnson of Crohn's.

548
00:29:08,204 --> 00:29:09,247
Okay, so...

549
00:29:10,623 --> 00:29:12,459
I go out of town, right?

550
00:29:13,668 --> 00:29:18,131
My mom
and my mom's 79-year-old friend Terry

551
00:29:18,214 --> 00:29:19,549
are watching my house.

552
00:29:19,632 --> 00:29:21,050
Terry is a girl.

553
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:26,556
My mom told me I have to tell people
that Terry is a girl after a show once.

554
00:29:26,639 --> 00:29:30,727
She was like, "Terry could also be
a guy's name, and we love Terry,

555
00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:33,146
and if this comes out, and people start..."

556
00:29:33,229 --> 00:29:37,442
"We don't want anyone to think she's a guy
so you should say that she's a girl."

557
00:29:37,942 --> 00:29:39,569
And I said, "Hey, Mom."

558
00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:42,489
"Nobody gives a fuck

559
00:29:43,239 --> 00:29:46,159
about you or Terry."

560
00:29:46,242 --> 00:29:48,119
[audience laughs]

561
00:29:52,332 --> 00:29:55,960
So my mom and my mom's
79-year-old female friend Terry

562
00:29:56,044 --> 00:29:57,086
are watching...

563
00:29:57,170 --> 00:29:59,255
Yeah, now the joke's gonna work!

564
00:30:01,674 --> 00:30:05,470
They're watching my house, okay?
My mom is oblivious to reality.

565
00:30:05,553 --> 00:30:08,181
She's a very smart lady, but she's just...

566
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,268
She's one of those moms
that's always like, "Really? No!"

567
00:30:12,352 --> 00:30:16,731
Just doesn't believe anything. I told her.
I said, "Someone knows where we live."

568
00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:18,858
"Someone could come over and hurt you."

569
00:30:18,942 --> 00:30:22,278
And she goes,
"No. No, they're looking for you."

570
00:30:22,362 --> 00:30:24,948
"They're not gonna...
They're not gonna hurt me."

571
00:30:26,032 --> 00:30:29,327
I'm like, "That's fair,
but could you humor me? This is scary."

572
00:30:29,410 --> 00:30:32,163
And I was like, "There's someone...
I have a stalker."

573
00:30:32,247 --> 00:30:35,416
"And you just gotta be aware
in case she comes by."

574
00:30:35,500 --> 00:30:37,627
She goes, "All right.
What does she look like?"

575
00:30:37,710 --> 00:30:41,881
I was like, "You'll know.
Trust me. Unmistakable. Okay?"

576
00:30:44,300 --> 00:30:45,677
So I go out of town.

577
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:48,555
Okay, stalker comes back,
she rings the doorbell.

578
00:30:48,638 --> 00:30:51,307
My mom answers and goes,
[high-pitched voice] "Hey, who are you?"

579
00:30:52,183 --> 00:30:54,269
That's what my mom sounds like,
by the way.

580
00:30:54,352 --> 00:30:57,146
Like an Adam Sandler
Hubie Halloween character.

581
00:30:57,647 --> 00:30:59,190
[in high-pitched voice] "How you doing?"

582
00:30:59,274 --> 00:31:02,360
So fellas, imagine that
while you're tagging it.

583
00:31:02,443 --> 00:31:04,028
[in high-pitched voice] "Ooh!"

584
00:31:06,406 --> 00:31:09,909
She'll probably say things like,
"Ooh, thank you! Thank you!"

585
00:31:10,743 --> 00:31:14,330
She's been out the game so long,
she don't know dirty... "Thanks, sir!"

586
00:31:23,006 --> 00:31:25,174
So my mom goes, "Hey, who are you?"

587
00:31:25,675 --> 00:31:27,385
Stalker goes, "I'm Pete's friend."

588
00:31:27,468 --> 00:31:30,096
My mom, of course,
goes, "Well, come on in."

589
00:31:30,179 --> 00:31:31,890
[audience laughs]

590
00:31:31,973 --> 00:31:38,229
Stalker proceeds to watch <i>Grey's Anatomy</i>
with my mom and Terry for three hours.

591
00:31:41,149 --> 00:31:42,483
Three hours goes by,

592
00:31:42,567 --> 00:31:45,236
my mom finally thinks,
"Maybe I should call Peter."

593
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:47,906
"See if he's coming by
to hang out with his friend."

594
00:31:48,656 --> 00:31:50,533
She calls me, goes, "Hey, where are you?"

595
00:31:50,617 --> 00:31:51,993
I go, "London."

596
00:31:53,703 --> 00:31:55,997
She goes, "Oh, well, your friend's here."

597
00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:57,582
I go, "Is she hot?"

598
00:31:58,708 --> 00:32:01,002
And my mom goes,
[in high-pitched voice] "Eh..."

599
00:32:02,086 --> 00:32:04,047
And I go, "You're under attack!"

600
00:32:04,130 --> 00:32:05,715
[audience laughs]

601
00:32:05,798 --> 00:32:07,926
"Run for your fucking life!"

602
00:32:14,015 --> 00:32:16,726
I go, "Very important.
Go to the garage and call the cops."

603
00:32:16,809 --> 00:32:18,645
"But pretend like nothing's wrong, okay?"

604
00:32:18,728 --> 00:32:21,064
Now, I hope none of this
ever happens to any of you,

605
00:32:21,147 --> 00:32:24,400
but I did get to hear
my mom act on the phone.

606
00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:27,445
Which is priceless for me.

607
00:32:28,112 --> 00:32:30,531
My mom is always like,
"Put me in your stuff."

608
00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:32,951
I was like, "All right,
make it to the garage."

609
00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:36,120
You make it... You make it to the garage,

610
00:32:37,246 --> 00:32:39,248
you get an audition or something, yeah.

611
00:32:42,043 --> 00:32:44,212
My mom goes to the garage,
I go, "Call my boy."

612
00:32:44,295 --> 00:32:45,922
Don't know if anybody has a boy like this.

613
00:32:46,005 --> 00:32:47,840
A friend you've been friends with
for a decade.

614
00:32:47,924 --> 00:32:51,886
You do drugs almost every day together,
then you don't see him for three months,

615
00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:54,555
then the next time you see him,
he's just a cop.

616
00:32:54,639 --> 00:32:56,641
[audience laughs]

617
00:32:57,809 --> 00:33:02,105
And you're like, "Tasty?"
He's like, "Uh-huh! Officer Tasty now."

618
00:33:02,188 --> 00:33:03,064
You know?

619
00:33:03,147 --> 00:33:06,609
Better change your name in my phone
to Officer Tasty.

620
00:33:07,527 --> 00:33:09,278
So Tasty goes over.

621
00:33:09,362 --> 00:33:13,157
I'm on speakerphone now
with Tasty, my mom, and my stalker.

622
00:33:13,241 --> 00:33:15,618
Female Terry fled, okay?

623
00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:17,704
[audience laughs]

624
00:33:24,127 --> 00:33:27,296
Tasty goes, "We got her.
What do you want me to do?"

625
00:33:27,380 --> 00:33:30,842
I was like, "You're the cop."
He goes, "I have her in handcuffs."

626
00:33:30,925 --> 00:33:33,761
I go, "Very good. That's good."

627
00:33:33,845 --> 00:33:36,097
He goes, uh, "She's holding a present."

628
00:33:36,180 --> 00:33:38,725
I go, "Okay." I was like, "Open it."

629
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:43,229
He goes "What?" I go, "Open it."
He goes, "Why?" I go, "It's a present."

630
00:33:45,314 --> 00:33:46,357
What do you mean?

631
00:33:47,150 --> 00:33:50,278
She's a stalker. She probably knows me
pretty good, you know.

632
00:33:51,237 --> 00:33:53,156
Probably a good gift. I dunno.

633
00:33:53,239 --> 00:33:55,408
I get a lot of shitty gifts. She might...

634
00:33:55,908 --> 00:34:00,038
He goes, "Bro, it could be a bomb!"
I go, "Dude, she can't make a bomb."

635
00:34:00,121 --> 00:34:02,582
"She can't even make a t-shirt.
You think she's gonna fucking...

636
00:34:03,332 --> 00:34:05,251
put a bomb together, dude?"

637
00:34:07,211 --> 00:34:08,504
He goes, "All right."

638
00:34:09,756 --> 00:34:11,591
I'm on speakerphone. I just hear this...

639
00:34:11,674 --> 00:34:14,552
[mimics scraping sound]

640
00:34:15,595 --> 00:34:17,930
And then my boy just goes, "Oh!"

641
00:34:18,806 --> 00:34:19,807
"No!"

642
00:34:20,808 --> 00:34:21,893
"Bro!"

643
00:34:22,643 --> 00:34:25,146
"This is disturbing!"

644
00:34:25,980 --> 00:34:28,316
Which is a very big word for Tasty.

645
00:34:28,399 --> 00:34:30,860
He's never pulled
the three syllables before.

646
00:34:30,943 --> 00:34:32,612
[audience laughs]

647
00:34:32,695 --> 00:34:33,571
I go, "What is it?"

648
00:34:33,654 --> 00:34:37,658
He goes, "Bro, it's 20 pairs
of soiled underwear."

649
00:34:37,742 --> 00:34:39,160
[audience laughs]

650
00:34:39,243 --> 00:34:41,746
Fuck you! No one's ever done that for you.

651
00:34:43,164 --> 00:34:46,918
Don't talk about my girl like that.
Only I can.

652
00:34:48,127 --> 00:34:51,339
You wish your girl gave you
20 pairs of dookie drawers.

653
00:34:52,423 --> 00:34:54,217
Yeah. It's fucking thoughtful.

654
00:34:54,300 --> 00:34:56,844
I called my girl,
like, "You gotta step it up!"

655
00:34:57,762 --> 00:34:59,764
"You never even met female Terry."

656
00:34:59,847 --> 00:35:01,849
[audience laughs]

657
00:35:03,893 --> 00:35:07,230
Twenty pairs? Yes, it's gross,
but it's thoughtful.

658
00:35:07,313 --> 00:35:08,815
One pair is gross.

659
00:35:09,315 --> 00:35:11,734
One pair is a hit. That's a fuck you.

660
00:35:11,818 --> 00:35:16,280
"Here's my shit." You know what I mean?
Twenty pairs is a crime of passion.

661
00:35:16,364 --> 00:35:18,699
[audience laughs]

662
00:35:18,783 --> 00:35:21,369
Yeah, it's crazy,
but then again so is love.

663
00:35:22,328 --> 00:35:24,664
I have Crohn's.
Maybe she was trying to communicate

664
00:35:24,747 --> 00:35:26,958
through some weird fecal matter thing.

665
00:35:27,041 --> 00:35:28,835
I don't know, she's bonkers.

666
00:35:30,044 --> 00:35:32,213
Twenty pairs? That's thoughtful.

667
00:35:32,296 --> 00:35:33,548
That takes time.

668
00:35:34,882 --> 00:35:38,177
You can't knock out 20 pairs
of doody drawers in one day.

669
00:35:38,761 --> 00:35:42,181
Even if you had diarrhea,
by the 11th pair, it'd be a little light.

670
00:35:42,265 --> 00:35:44,809
[audience laughs]

671
00:35:44,892 --> 00:35:48,521
I like to think it was a day at a time.
I do, every night.

672
00:35:48,604 --> 00:35:50,106
I like to think about it.

673
00:35:50,940 --> 00:35:52,358
I like to picture, you know?

674
00:35:52,441 --> 00:35:54,277
She comes home from a long day

675
00:35:54,777 --> 00:35:57,822
of eating Hot Pockets
on an Acer computer, right?

676
00:36:00,283 --> 00:36:02,326
She runs upstairs, you know.

677
00:36:04,245 --> 00:36:06,247
She starts undressing, you know,

678
00:36:07,498 --> 00:36:09,584
in front of the wall of Pete.

679
00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:17,967
It's all posters of me, but she don't know
how to make posters, so I'm all just...

680
00:36:18,050 --> 00:36:19,510
[audience laughs]

681
00:36:19,594 --> 00:36:20,511
...everywhere.

682
00:36:24,724 --> 00:36:26,934
She puts on a sexy song.
Well, sexy to her.

683
00:36:27,018 --> 00:36:29,562
So like "Mambo No. 5" or some shit.

684
00:36:29,645 --> 00:36:31,063
[chuckles]

685
00:36:32,523 --> 00:36:35,276
She starts the séance, lights a candle,

686
00:36:35,359 --> 00:36:38,070
blows it out with a fart,
you know, gets it going.

687
00:36:42,325 --> 00:36:43,910
She looks up at me.

688
00:36:43,993 --> 00:36:45,870
I'm looking at her somewhere.

689
00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:49,498
And she plants 'em.

690
00:36:52,752 --> 00:36:55,254
♪ <i>One, two, three-four-five</i> ♪

691
00:36:55,338 --> 00:36:58,758
- [audience laughs]
- [hums Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5"]

692
00:36:58,841 --> 00:37:02,303
[makes a loud farting noise]

693
00:37:03,221 --> 00:37:05,139
♪ <i>...gin and juice
But I really don't wanna...</i> ♪

694
00:37:05,223 --> 00:37:10,811
[makes loud farting noises]

695
00:37:12,313 --> 00:37:16,025
She fucking gives a noogie,
gets a good fucking...

696
00:37:18,694 --> 00:37:22,365
And then she fucking, "Kobe!"
Right into a little box for me.

697
00:37:22,448 --> 00:37:23,866
She goes, "Oooh!"

698
00:37:25,201 --> 00:37:29,872
[in high-pitched voice] "Nineteen to go,
poopy surprise for Petey! Woo-hoo!"

699
00:37:31,457 --> 00:37:34,710
It's my fantasy,
and I'll jerk off to it if I want to!

700
00:37:34,794 --> 00:37:36,796
[audience laughs]

701
00:37:39,215 --> 00:37:41,676
Tasty goes, "What do you want me to do?"
I go, "Get rid of her!"

702
00:37:41,759 --> 00:37:43,594
"Keep one of those pairs." Sorry.

703
00:37:45,513 --> 00:37:50,685
So now I got to get a restraining order,
so that means I have to go to court.

704
00:37:51,519 --> 00:37:55,648
Tell a bunch of, you know, officials
I'm afraid of this lady.

705
00:37:58,609 --> 00:38:01,362
So I'm at court, about to go in<i>,</i>

706
00:38:02,071 --> 00:38:03,781
Tasty comes back to me.

707
00:38:04,365 --> 00:38:06,450
He goes,
"I just spoke to your girlfriend."

708
00:38:06,534 --> 00:38:07,618
I go, "Fuck you!"

709
00:38:07,702 --> 00:38:10,246
You know? "What did she say?" You know?

710
00:38:10,329 --> 00:38:12,290
[audience laughs]

711
00:38:14,750 --> 00:38:17,545
He goes, "She's not going
to be able to be here today."

712
00:38:17,628 --> 00:38:19,255
"She's going to be on the iPad."

713
00:38:19,338 --> 00:38:22,258
And I go, "What the fuck?
What do you mean she won't be here?"

714
00:38:22,341 --> 00:38:24,802
She's a stalker, her job is to show up.

715
00:38:24,885 --> 00:38:26,012
What do you mean?

716
00:38:27,805 --> 00:38:29,807
Is she trying
to get in my head or something?

717
00:38:30,308 --> 00:38:31,475
'Cause it's working.

718
00:38:33,019 --> 00:38:34,520
It's... I'm a little sad.

719
00:38:35,604 --> 00:38:39,608
You know, 'cause that...
that dookie surprise was thoughtful.

720
00:38:39,692 --> 00:38:41,819
Though gross, you know.

721
00:38:41,902 --> 00:38:45,114
So I was a little excited
to see her, a little bit, you know.

722
00:38:45,740 --> 00:38:49,577
I didn't try to look hot or anything,
but I picked an outfit. You know, yeah.

723
00:38:50,077 --> 00:38:51,495
Hell yeah! You know?

724
00:38:51,579 --> 00:38:53,748
An outfit that said, like, "Hey."

725
00:38:54,457 --> 00:38:55,875
"Don't give up." You know?

726
00:38:55,958 --> 00:38:57,710
[audience laughs]

727
00:38:57,793 --> 00:38:59,962
"Some things are worth fighting for."

728
00:39:01,005 --> 00:39:03,466
Restraining order, shmestraining shorder.

729
00:39:09,013 --> 00:39:10,723
I go, "What happened, Tasty?"

730
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:12,975
"What happened to my girl?"

731
00:39:13,642 --> 00:39:18,647
He goes, "Bro,
she was deemed unfit to stand trial."

732
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:24,028
Deemed unfit to stand up at a trial.

733
00:39:24,111 --> 00:39:26,197
That means a bunch
of medical professionals

734
00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:28,157
and officers of the law saw her

735
00:39:28,240 --> 00:39:29,533
and were like, "No."

736
00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:35,164
I immediately felt insulted.

737
00:39:36,749 --> 00:39:40,378
It's a little fucked up and embarrassing
for me, don't you think?

738
00:39:41,170 --> 00:39:42,546
"Deemed unfit"?

739
00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:45,841
I don't think you understand
how insane that is.

740
00:39:46,342 --> 00:39:49,512
Let me put it in perspective for you.
Jeffrey Dahmer

741
00:39:50,763 --> 00:39:52,598
was deemed fit...

742
00:39:52,681 --> 00:39:54,016
[audience laughs]

743
00:39:54,100 --> 00:39:56,310
...to stand trial.

744
00:39:56,394 --> 00:39:59,563
A guy who murdered and ate gay people.

745
00:40:00,439 --> 00:40:03,401
One chick is into me, off to the nuthouse!

746
00:40:03,484 --> 00:40:04,443
[audience laughs]

747
00:40:04,527 --> 00:40:07,863
Are you fucking kidding me?
That's ridiculous.

748
00:40:08,614 --> 00:40:11,867
Killing and eating gays
and poopy pants aren't the same!

749
00:40:15,538 --> 00:40:17,998
First time in my life
I was like, "I gotta vote!"

750
00:40:18,082 --> 00:40:20,167
[audience laughs]

751
00:40:20,251 --> 00:40:21,794
"System is corrupt."

752
00:40:30,052 --> 00:40:33,973
Tasty goes, "There's one more thing.
She said you guys had been communicating."

753
00:40:34,056 --> 00:40:35,474
I go, "Dude, I swear..."

754
00:40:35,558 --> 00:40:38,102
He goes, "Telepathically."
I was like, "Whew!"

755
00:40:39,395 --> 00:40:41,355
[exhales] Thought they found my burner.

756
00:40:43,607 --> 00:40:45,860
He goes, "Telepathically, you know."

757
00:40:45,943 --> 00:40:49,572
"She said that you actually told her
to come over with your mind."

758
00:40:49,655 --> 00:40:51,657
I go, "Whoa, that's fucked up."

759
00:40:51,740 --> 00:40:54,910
And then he left, and I was alone,
and I was a little sad,

760
00:40:54,994 --> 00:40:56,662
and I was in my cool outfit.

761
00:40:57,663 --> 00:41:00,541
I just had a moment of honesty,
and I was just like...

762
00:41:02,751 --> 00:41:03,627
"Hello."

763
00:41:03,711 --> 00:41:06,005
[audience laughs]

764
00:41:08,132 --> 00:41:10,050
"I miss you." [chuckles]

765
00:41:12,052 --> 00:41:15,264
"You weren't supposed to tell anybody
that we could do this."

766
00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:19,560
"Also you were supposed
to kill Terry and my mom

767
00:41:20,311 --> 00:41:21,687
so we get the house."

768
00:41:24,106 --> 00:41:26,233
"I got your panties in my pocket."

769
00:41:28,027 --> 00:41:30,779
"Ziploc'ed to preserve the stench."

770
00:41:30,863 --> 00:41:32,364
[laughs]

771
00:41:37,369 --> 00:41:40,748
So I go to trial, I win,
you know, which is nice.

772
00:41:40,831 --> 00:41:42,082
I never win in life.

773
00:41:42,166 --> 00:41:43,209
[chuckles]

774
00:41:44,627 --> 00:41:48,506
Judge comes up to me, and he goes,
"She fits the requirements for prison."

775
00:41:48,589 --> 00:41:51,258
I go, "What?" He goes,
"Do you want to send her to prison?"

776
00:41:51,342 --> 00:41:54,011
I go, "No, I just want her off my lawn."

777
00:41:54,094 --> 00:41:57,765
Like <i>Gran Torino,</i> you know?
"Get off my lawn!" [mumbles]

778
00:41:57,848 --> 00:42:01,227
But no big deal.
Just... restraining order, you know?

779
00:42:01,310 --> 00:42:04,438
But restrain her to the upper deck,
so she can still pay for shit.

780
00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:06,232
You know what I mean? Come to shows.

781
00:42:06,732 --> 00:42:08,817
He goes, "You don't want her arrested?"
I go, "No."

782
00:42:08,901 --> 00:42:12,029
He goes, "That's very noble of you."
I went, "Thank you, sir."

783
00:42:15,241 --> 00:42:17,409
And then he goes,
"We will do plan B then."

784
00:42:17,493 --> 00:42:19,745
And he just smacks the hammer,
and everybody's...

785
00:42:19,828 --> 00:42:22,748
I was like, "Whoa, wait. What's plan B?"

786
00:42:22,831 --> 00:42:23,874
He goes, "It's nothing."

787
00:42:23,958 --> 00:42:26,126
"We're gonna sentence her
to like six months,

788
00:42:26,210 --> 00:42:27,628
in a mental rehab facility."

789
00:42:27,711 --> 00:42:29,797
I was like, "What? That's not safe."

790
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:32,174
"That's like the one place
I'd bump into her."

791
00:42:32,258 --> 00:42:34,760
[audience laughs]

792
00:42:34,843 --> 00:42:37,972
Might as well sentence her
to Dave & Buster's while you're at it.

793
00:42:40,724 --> 00:42:42,768
Rehab's like Cheers for me.

794
00:42:43,561 --> 00:42:45,646
It's where everybody knows my name.

795
00:42:50,943 --> 00:42:53,237
A month went by,
I got the restraining order.

796
00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,990
Didn't really hit me till the first time
I pulled up to my house,

797
00:42:56,073 --> 00:42:57,324
and no one was there.

798
00:42:58,200 --> 00:42:59,285
And I went, "Oh."

799
00:43:01,912 --> 00:43:06,166
I was reminiscing with my mom.
I was like, "Remember she'd be out there."

800
00:43:07,918 --> 00:43:09,128
"Remember?"

801
00:43:09,211 --> 00:43:11,880
"Remember for Christmas once,
she sent us all those cookies,

802
00:43:11,964 --> 00:43:14,008
and we made female Terry eat them first...

803
00:43:14,091 --> 00:43:15,467
[audience laughs]

804
00:43:15,551 --> 00:43:17,052
...to make sure they were good?"

805
00:43:20,264 --> 00:43:22,641
So I started missing her a little bit,
you know.

806
00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:26,395
So once in a while, I'd be like,
"Hello. Where are you?"

807
00:43:27,104 --> 00:43:29,231
And she wasn't receiving my signals.

808
00:43:30,858 --> 00:43:34,653
So I made a finsta,
and I started stalking her a little bit.

809
00:43:36,447 --> 00:43:37,448
I found her.

810
00:43:38,574 --> 00:43:39,575
She's doing well.

811
00:43:42,411 --> 00:43:43,954
Seems to be for the best.

812
00:43:45,497 --> 00:43:47,374
You know, and I was scrolling through.

813
00:43:47,458 --> 00:43:51,253
You know, 'cause she's a stalker,
you don't just stop stalking, right?

814
00:43:51,337 --> 00:43:53,631
You pick someone else, I assume, right?

815
00:43:54,548 --> 00:43:56,216
I was going through her Instagram,

816
00:43:56,300 --> 00:43:59,803
and I found out
she's a Jack Harlow fan now.

817
00:44:01,138 --> 00:44:04,058
And I like Jack, but that,
that fucking hurt.

818
00:44:04,141 --> 00:44:06,226
That's a fucking kick in the dick.

819
00:44:06,810 --> 00:44:09,730
I was like, "If you become
a Matt Rife fan, I'll kill myself."

820
00:44:09,813 --> 00:44:10,773
I swear to God.

821
00:44:10,856 --> 00:44:12,858
[audience laughs]

822
00:44:14,276 --> 00:44:16,904
So I was watching it,
I came across this video

823
00:44:16,987 --> 00:44:20,991
of her outside
of a Jack Harlow show. Okay?

824
00:44:21,575 --> 00:44:24,370
And, uh, Jack Harlow comes out and she...

825
00:44:24,453 --> 00:44:28,207
I see her, I zoom in,
and she's wearing a Jack Harlow T-shirt.

826
00:44:29,667 --> 00:44:33,128
I guess she figured out how to do it
'cause he looked good in the photo.

827
00:44:33,212 --> 00:44:35,005
And I was like, "Oh..."

828
00:44:35,714 --> 00:44:37,508
"Oh. I was just practice."

829
00:44:41,637 --> 00:44:43,639
Jack comes out,
she goes, "I love you, Jack!"

830
00:44:43,722 --> 00:44:44,640
I went... [exhales]

831
00:44:46,433 --> 00:44:49,770
Even worse, Jack goes,
"Hey, I love you, too." Says her name.

832
00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:50,854
I went, "Oh..."

833
00:44:50,938 --> 00:44:53,440
"I bet that meant so much to her."
[exhales]

834
00:44:54,733 --> 00:44:56,652
I was calling her "the thing".

835
00:44:56,735 --> 00:44:58,654
[audience laughs]

836
00:44:59,530 --> 00:45:01,031
I didn't know. I didn't know.

837
00:45:03,617 --> 00:45:06,203
Feel like I'm gonna throw up,
watching this.

838
00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:09,039
Jack's about to get
in his vehicle to leave.

839
00:45:09,123 --> 00:45:11,500
She goes, "Hold on, Jack,
I got a present for you."

840
00:45:11,583 --> 00:45:13,001
I was like, "Oh, my God."

841
00:45:13,752 --> 00:45:14,837
[chuckles]

842
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:18,632
Got my... Guys, I felt like I was
about to watch my girlfriend

843
00:45:18,716 --> 00:45:22,594
get fucked by my best friend.
I was like, "No! No!"

844
00:45:24,054 --> 00:45:25,431
She goes into her backpack.

845
00:45:25,514 --> 00:45:29,143
And her arm gets deeper and deeper.
I was like, "No, oh my God. What is it?"

846
00:45:30,686 --> 00:45:32,896
And then she pulls out an envelope.

847
00:45:34,148 --> 00:45:36,275
Hands it to Jack,
goes, "I made that for you."

848
00:45:36,358 --> 00:45:39,236
He goes, "Thanks so much."
Puts it in his jacket, drives off,

849
00:45:39,319 --> 00:45:41,071
video over, I log out.

850
00:45:42,489 --> 00:45:44,324
I start smiling to myself.

851
00:45:46,744 --> 00:45:48,370
Just an envelope, huh?

852
00:45:48,454 --> 00:45:50,247
[audience laughs]

853
00:45:50,330 --> 00:45:51,331
Ha!

854
00:45:52,332 --> 00:45:54,752
You can't fit 20 pairs of dookie drawers

855
00:45:55,586 --> 00:45:57,004
in an envelope!

856
00:46:00,424 --> 00:46:02,342
Couple of legal disclaimers.

857
00:46:03,844 --> 00:46:08,265
So, she actually didn't send me
20 pairs of underwear.

858
00:46:08,348 --> 00:46:11,101
She sent me two,
but it smelled like 20, okay?

859
00:46:12,686 --> 00:46:14,980
She also did not become a Jack Harlow fan.

860
00:46:15,063 --> 00:46:17,065
I just made that up for hilarity.

861
00:46:17,816 --> 00:46:21,570
And three, and this is the most important,
I did fuck her brains out.

862
00:46:21,653 --> 00:46:23,197
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles]

863
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:25,824
I'm just kidding.
I just ate her box. That's it.

864
00:46:28,535 --> 00:46:31,622
I got super freaked out
'cause my address got out.

865
00:46:33,290 --> 00:46:36,376
So, I... I bought... I moved to the woods.

866
00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:38,629
[audience chuckles]

867
00:46:38,712 --> 00:46:39,546
It's awesome.

868
00:46:39,630 --> 00:46:42,090
Um, I was looking for a house
for a really long time,

869
00:46:42,174 --> 00:46:45,552
and my realtor
really did not like me because...

870
00:46:45,636 --> 00:46:48,972
At first, she was excited.
She was like, "You're my first, you know..."

871
00:46:49,056 --> 00:46:50,432
I was like, "Okay."

872
00:46:52,226 --> 00:46:53,268
You know.

873
00:46:53,352 --> 00:46:55,562
But she'd get annoyed because I saw like...

874
00:46:55,646 --> 00:46:57,606
This is not a joke,
I saw, like, 200 houses.

875
00:46:57,689 --> 00:47:02,444
Eh, I wanted every one. I would cocktease...
I'd be like, "This is gonna be it."

876
00:47:02,528 --> 00:47:05,781
And then, you know...
'Cause I would get excited.

877
00:47:05,864 --> 00:47:07,825
She hated me
because it was taking so long,

878
00:47:07,908 --> 00:47:10,661
and I understood,
but I'd get excited about every house

879
00:47:10,744 --> 00:47:13,038
'cause I grew up
in mostly just apartments.

880
00:47:13,121 --> 00:47:16,333
So every house was crazy to me.

881
00:47:16,416 --> 00:47:19,419
I'd be like, "Oh my God, a backyard.
What the fuck?"

882
00:47:20,045 --> 00:47:23,715
"An above ground pool. How'd they get it
out the ground? Oh my God."

883
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:27,469
"This must be one
of them Frank Lloyd Wright houses."

884
00:47:30,305 --> 00:47:32,850
I'd get intoxicated
by words I never heard before.

885
00:47:32,933 --> 00:47:34,601
She'd be like, "This could be your foyer."

886
00:47:34,685 --> 00:47:38,522
I'd be like, "Fuck yeah, it could.
Yeah. Yeah."

887
00:47:39,523 --> 00:47:40,732
"Foyer." You know.

888
00:47:41,525 --> 00:47:43,652
Then there was this one house

889
00:47:43,735 --> 00:47:46,572
that I was like,
"I'm going to get this house."

890
00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:48,532
I knew I was going to get it, okay?

891
00:47:49,199 --> 00:47:53,328
I was with my boys and her,
and she was really exhausted,

892
00:47:53,412 --> 00:47:56,623
'cause she didn't believe
that I was going to pick one.

893
00:47:56,707 --> 00:47:58,292
But I said, "I really love this house."

894
00:47:58,375 --> 00:48:00,294
All that was left to see

895
00:48:00,878 --> 00:48:02,880
eh, was the master bedroom.

896
00:48:02,963 --> 00:48:04,840
Which is now "the primary," okay?

897
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:09,553
At the time, I did not know
it is now called the primary, okay?

898
00:48:09,636 --> 00:48:11,221
I thought it was "master bedroom."

899
00:48:11,305 --> 00:48:14,099
I also didn't know
it was called the master bedroom

900
00:48:14,182 --> 00:48:16,435
because of slavery. I did not know that.

901
00:48:16,518 --> 00:48:19,521
I thought it was the master bedroom
because, in life,

902
00:48:19,605 --> 00:48:23,775
when you buy a home,
you, of course, become a master.

903
00:48:23,859 --> 00:48:25,861
[audience laughs]

904
00:48:26,945 --> 00:48:31,116
People come over, like, "Nice house."
You go, "Yeah, I'm a fucking master."

905
00:48:33,493 --> 00:48:36,413
I don't really think of slavery
when I'm in houses, know what I mean?

906
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:37,706
That's all. You know.

907
00:48:37,789 --> 00:48:40,626
I don't go, and I'm like,
"Which one's the slave room?"

908
00:48:40,709 --> 00:48:43,128
I'm not, "Show me the slave room!"

909
00:48:44,755 --> 00:48:47,549
So I love this house.
I think I'm about to get it.

910
00:48:47,633 --> 00:48:48,717
I decide, like...

911
00:48:48,800 --> 00:48:51,845
It's been a long time.
I'm going to do a bit for my realtor.

912
00:48:51,929 --> 00:48:53,639
Make her laugh, you know.

913
00:48:54,222 --> 00:48:56,808
So there's a coat rack in the living room.

914
00:48:57,476 --> 00:48:59,394
Okay, I grab it, and I go,

915
00:48:59,978 --> 00:49:02,689
"Show me the master bedroom!"

916
00:49:02,773 --> 00:49:04,775
[audience laughs]

917
00:49:11,823 --> 00:49:12,991
I know.

918
00:49:13,825 --> 00:49:16,370
My realtor, who was Black by the way...

919
00:49:16,453 --> 00:49:18,455
[audience laughs]

920
00:49:19,456 --> 00:49:20,374
...is speechless.

921
00:49:20,457 --> 00:49:23,377
She looks like she's trying
to tell me something,

922
00:49:23,460 --> 00:49:25,253
probably to stop.

923
00:49:26,088 --> 00:49:27,631
But I'm in full bit mode.

924
00:49:27,714 --> 00:49:30,008
So every time she goes...

925
00:49:30,092 --> 00:49:33,428
I go, "Don't interrupt the master!"

926
00:49:33,512 --> 00:49:35,806
[audience laughs]

927
00:49:36,473 --> 00:49:38,809
"Show me my master bedroom!"

928
00:49:38,892 --> 00:49:43,063
"The room bigger than all the rooms,
for I am the king."

929
00:49:46,566 --> 00:49:49,653
My boys are on the floor dying laughing
'cause they're racist.

930
00:49:49,736 --> 00:49:52,072
So they're having the fucking best time.

931
00:49:54,574 --> 00:49:57,619
Finally, she grabs the coat rack

932
00:49:57,703 --> 00:49:59,037
and goes, "Stop!"

933
00:50:01,415 --> 00:50:04,960
She goes, "You got to stop. I'm trying
to tell you it's the primary bedroom."

934
00:50:05,043 --> 00:50:08,213
"It's not the master bedroom.
It's because of slavery."

935
00:50:08,296 --> 00:50:10,090
"It's a big deal about that now."

936
00:50:10,757 --> 00:50:11,883
I was like, "Oh."

937
00:50:11,967 --> 00:50:13,969
[audience laughs]

938
00:50:15,220 --> 00:50:18,598
My boys started slowly getting up, like...

939
00:50:21,226 --> 00:50:22,102
You know.

940
00:50:23,270 --> 00:50:25,605
And then she just handed me the coat rack.

941
00:50:27,941 --> 00:50:29,776
And it was quiet and awkward.

942
00:50:30,652 --> 00:50:33,613
I didn't know what to do,
but then I was thinking, you know,

943
00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:37,075
if I've learned anything
in almost 15 years of comedy,

944
00:50:37,159 --> 00:50:38,702
it's that you commit.

945
00:50:38,785 --> 00:50:40,120
[audience laughs]

946
00:50:40,203 --> 00:50:41,955
To the bit, yes.

947
00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:43,957
Especially, if it's not working.

948
00:50:45,751 --> 00:50:47,085
So that's what I did.

949
00:50:47,169 --> 00:50:49,629
I went, "You didn't let me finish!"

950
00:50:50,589 --> 00:50:52,549
"We are all masters

951
00:50:53,258 --> 00:50:55,927
of our own rooms.
It's a figure of speech."

952
00:50:57,429 --> 00:51:00,724
"Getting rid of slavery
would have been my first decree."

953
00:51:04,603 --> 00:51:07,522
"Upon further review,
I will take this house!"

954
00:51:09,399 --> 00:51:11,443
"If you sign this NDA."

955
00:51:11,526 --> 00:51:13,528
[audience laughs]

956
00:51:15,072 --> 00:51:17,449
"Perhaps in the primary foyer."

957
00:51:17,532 --> 00:51:19,409
[audience laughs]

958
00:51:22,913 --> 00:51:24,414
So I live in the woods.

959
00:51:24,498 --> 00:51:26,124
[audience laughs]

960
00:51:32,839 --> 00:51:35,342
My mom made a fake Twitter account

961
00:51:36,051 --> 00:51:38,386
to defend me from trolls.

962
00:51:38,470 --> 00:51:39,304
[audience] Aww!

963
00:51:39,387 --> 00:51:41,389
"Aw." It's always "aw"
when it's not your mom.

964
00:51:41,473 --> 00:51:44,684
You ever realize that?
When it's someone else's mom, "Aw."

965
00:51:44,768 --> 00:51:47,020
When it's your mom,
you're like, "Fuck you!"

966
00:51:49,689 --> 00:51:52,526
So she made this fake Twitter account
to defend me online

967
00:51:52,609 --> 00:51:54,402
a couple years ago, okay?

968
00:51:54,486 --> 00:51:58,031
The username was JoeSmith1355, right?

969
00:51:58,115 --> 00:52:00,242
That's very smart. That is not her name.

970
00:52:01,868 --> 00:52:04,162
But she's a mom
and doesn't know how Twitter works.

971
00:52:04,246 --> 00:52:08,041
So the username
might have been JoeSmith1355,

972
00:52:08,125 --> 00:52:10,669
but the profile name was Amy Davidson.

973
00:52:10,752 --> 00:52:12,754
[audience laughs]

974
00:52:15,966 --> 00:52:19,803
Icing on top,
profile picture also Amy Davidson. Yes.

975
00:52:19,886 --> 00:52:22,139
[audience laughs]

976
00:52:24,015 --> 00:52:26,726
So I'm reading hate tweets one night
while I masturbate

977
00:52:26,810 --> 00:52:28,311
to make myself stronger.

978
00:52:28,395 --> 00:52:29,688
[audience laughs]

979
00:52:29,771 --> 00:52:32,107
And I was scrolling through,

980
00:52:32,691 --> 00:52:35,569
and I see this one account
defending me left and right.

981
00:52:35,652 --> 00:52:38,155
Back in the day,
when you used Twitter on Safari,

982
00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:40,907
you didn't see the profile name
or picture, just the username.

983
00:52:40,991 --> 00:52:44,578
So I'm reading all these tweets,
and people are being very mean.

984
00:52:44,661 --> 00:52:46,955
But JoeSmith1355,
defending me left and right.

985
00:52:47,539 --> 00:52:51,459
I was reading all these nice tweets
about me, JoeSmith1355.

986
00:52:51,543 --> 00:52:54,337
It was to the point,
I was like, "This is why I do this."

987
00:52:54,838 --> 00:52:57,424
"Thank you, JoeSmith1355."

988
00:52:58,842 --> 00:53:00,844
You know? I was reading all these tweets,

989
00:53:00,927 --> 00:53:03,513
and then there was one tweet
that was too specific,

990
00:53:04,014 --> 00:53:06,433
and I literally said out loud,
"This is my mom."

991
00:53:06,516 --> 00:53:08,351
[audience laughs]

992
00:53:09,227 --> 00:53:11,813
Which is a weird thing to say mid-jerk.

993
00:53:11,897 --> 00:53:13,523
[audience laughs]

994
00:53:13,607 --> 00:53:17,527
And then have to finish after that?
"After this, I am going to call her."

995
00:53:21,156 --> 00:53:22,908
I knew right away. This was the tweet.

996
00:53:22,991 --> 00:53:26,244
The hate tweet was,
"Pete Davidson is gay."

997
00:53:27,996 --> 00:53:30,832
JoeSmith1355 writes,

998
00:53:30,916 --> 00:53:32,959
"Actually, he's not."

999
00:53:33,752 --> 00:53:38,256
"He may have thought he was gay as a child

1000
00:53:38,340 --> 00:53:40,759
because of Leonardo DiCaprio."

1001
00:53:41,718 --> 00:53:43,637
"Take a nap, hater."

1002
00:53:43,720 --> 00:53:45,513
[audience laughs]

1003
00:53:45,597 --> 00:53:46,765
I call my mom.

1004
00:53:46,848 --> 00:53:48,308
I go, "Joe Smith...

1005
00:53:49,476 --> 00:53:51,269
1355?"

1006
00:53:52,020 --> 00:53:53,897
She goes, "What gave it away?"

1007
00:53:53,980 --> 00:53:55,440
[audience laughs]

1008
00:53:55,523 --> 00:53:59,778
I go, "Your profile name
and picture are of you."

1009
00:54:00,362 --> 00:54:02,614
And she goes, "Oh! Terry!"

1010
00:54:02,697 --> 00:54:04,658
[audience laughs]

1011
00:54:04,741 --> 00:54:08,078
Which means my mom made a Twitter account

1012
00:54:08,161 --> 00:54:11,164
with her 79-year-old female friend Terry,

1013
00:54:11,248 --> 00:54:13,959
and Terry was calling the shots.

1014
00:54:14,876 --> 00:54:17,003
Guys, thank you so much.
That's been a lot of fun.

1015
00:54:17,087 --> 00:54:18,088
[audience cheering]

1016
00:54:18,171 --> 00:54:20,090
Have a good night. All right!

1017
00:54:20,173 --> 00:54:23,510
[cheering and applause]

1018
00:54:24,511 --> 00:54:26,930
♪ <i>In my hood,
I was the baby boy like Lil Jody</i> ♪

1019
00:54:27,013 --> 00:54:29,391
♪ <i>Bossed up
Now I tell 'em when to go like I'm E-40</i> ♪

1020
00:54:29,474 --> 00:54:31,977
♪ <i>2019
I spent half the checks I got on codeine</i> ♪

1021
00:54:32,060 --> 00:54:34,354
♪ <i>Now I got superpowers
Look at how high I be floating</i> ♪

1022
00:54:34,437 --> 00:54:37,065
♪ <i>I don't ever play no games
But I'm always loading</i> ♪

1023
00:54:37,148 --> 00:54:39,526
♪ <i>I got a sweet tooth
So I dip my car in candy coating</i> ♪

1024
00:54:39,609 --> 00:54:42,112
♪ <i>Kia boy
When I was 13 what I drove a stolen</i> ♪

1025
00:54:42,195 --> 00:54:44,447
♪ <i>My 28th birthday
My homie Pete bought me a Rollie</i> ♪

1026
00:54:44,531 --> 00:54:47,284
♪ <i>All these rappers corny
Why when it was really beef</i> ♪

1027
00:54:47,367 --> 00:54:49,786
♪ <i>Way you act don't match
The way you talking on your story</i> ♪

1028
00:54:49,869 --> 00:54:52,163
♪ <i>We got footage from the hotel
'Cause my dawg recorded</i> ♪

1029
00:54:52,247 --> 00:54:54,541
♪ <i>Put him to sleep
Turn the audio up you hear him snoring</i> ♪

1030
00:54:54,624 --> 00:54:57,252
♪ <i>I'm from Cleveland
But we on bullshit like Michael Jordan</i> ♪

1031
00:54:57,335 --> 00:54:59,754
♪ <i>They protect me at all costs
'Cause what I do important</i> ♪

1032
00:54:59,838 --> 00:55:02,257
♪ <i>Don't wake the beast inside of me up
He been laying dormant</i> ♪

1033
00:55:02,340 --> 00:55:04,676
♪ <i>2012
I lost two million fuckin' up a doorman</i> ♪

1034
00:55:04,759 --> 00:55:07,387
♪ <i>Skinny tatted tall white boy
Rock and rollin'</i> ♪

1035
00:55:07,470 --> 00:55:10,015
♪ <i>I killed a lot of rappers
I don't respect law and order</i> ♪

1036
00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:12,392
♪ <i>Open that backpack like I'm Dora
Pull up in Explorers</i> ♪

1037
00:55:12,475 --> 00:55:14,894
♪ <i>Switched out, pull up in that Aston
Blew the fucking motor</i> ♪

1038
00:55:14,978 --> 00:55:17,731
♪ <i>Four leaves in the blunt
I'm ashin', I'm smokin' a clover</i> ♪

1039
00:55:17,814 --> 00:55:20,025
♪ <i>Seven figures if they booking me
Tell the promoters</i> ♪

1040
00:55:20,108 --> 00:55:22,485
♪ <i>Walking out with bags
It look like I just came for Krogers</i> ♪

1041
00:55:22,569 --> 00:55:25,030
♪ <i>Truth is I fucked your mom
You'll find out when you're older</i> ♪

1042
00:55:25,113 --> 00:55:27,324
♪ <i>Can't stop won't start always rolling</i> ♪

1043
00:55:27,407 --> 00:55:29,659
♪ <i>Got to keep it on me
So I don't get lonely</i> ♪

1044
00:55:29,743 --> 00:55:32,203
♪ <i>We the new mob and I feel like Tony</i> ♪

1045
00:55:32,287 --> 00:55:35,081
♪ <i>Rep it for the team, 24 like Kobe</i> ♪

1046
00:55:35,165 --> 00:55:37,292
♪ <i>Why you mad? (Why)
Get your man (Get him)</i> ♪

1047
00:55:37,375 --> 00:55:39,502
♪ <i>We gon' light his ass up like a candle</i> ♪

1048
00:55:39,586 --> 00:55:42,088
♪ <i>What's the plan? (Yeah)</i> ♪
♪ <i>What you saying? (What?)</i> ♪

1049
00:55:42,172 --> 00:55:45,008
♪ <i>Shake it 'til your cheeks spread
And show your asshole, yeah</i> ♪

1050
00:55:45,091 --> 00:55:47,844
♪ <i>All we gotta do is pull up
We gon' have all the bitches</i> ♪

1051
00:55:47,927 --> 00:55:50,430
♪ <i>All you gotta do is say, "It's up"
You gon' have our attention</i> ♪

1052
00:55:50,513 --> 00:55:54,100
♪ <i>Don't be that so I don't kick it,
'Less it's 'bout some business...</i> ♪