1 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:04,440 Oh, my God. 2 00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:10,000 Dad! 3 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,160 What? 4 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,960 The lights! It's the middle of the day. 5 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,000 Sorry, Gem. 6 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:17,000 But you're better at all that than me, aren't you? 7 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,160 What?! 8 00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,000 Better at turning lights off? 9 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,840 That's not a life skill, Dad. 10 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:23,560 Chickens can turn lights off. 11 00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:25,200 Well, it was your mum that turned the lights off 12 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:26,240 in the old house, you know. 13 00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:28,120 She had her system, so I didn't like to interfere. 14 00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:29,760 Well, I'm not Mum, so you need to learn 15 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,760 when the appropriate time to have lights on and off is. 16 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:33,320 But do you want a hint? Yeah. 17 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,680 If it's dark, turn them on. 18 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:37,040 If it's not dark, 19 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,280 turn the fucking lights off! 20 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:41,360 All right. If you don't mind me saying, you're a bit stressed 21 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:42,920 for someone who's just been to a yoga class. 22 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,600 Well, you're costing me all this money, Dad. 23 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,320 All the lights are on, 45-minute showers. 24 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:50,320 I need a long shower, don't I? 25 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,480 I need to, like, you know, get things out of my system. 26 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:54,240 Ugh, what things?! 27 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,560 And then this morning I find out Baris has put the rent up. 28 00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:59,320 I thought you were supposed to speak to him? 29 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:00,360 Yeah, I did, I did - 30 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,760 but it was mostly about nunchuks. 31 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,520 You know, I'm just not good at confrontation, am I, Gem? 32 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:08,120 Well, strap in, because we're about to have a big bloody row. 33 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:09,280 OK. 34 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:11,520 I can't afford to cover all this. 35 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,400 Not once I'm on maternity leave. PHONE VIBRATES 36 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,920 So you're gonna need to take up extra shifts at the warehouse... 37 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,840 Dad! Hello? Are you even listening? 38 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,600 Yeah, shifts. Warehouse. 39 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,960 Sorry, I just need to check if this is Helen. 40 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:23,120 "Helen"? 41 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:24,400 Yeah. It's my girlfriend. 42 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:25,640 What?! 43 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,280 I didn't know whether I was ready, you know, 44 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:28,760 and then I got a postcard from your mum 45 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,640 saying her loins had shrivelled up and died the last time we, er... 46 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,040 Ugh! So I thought to myself, "Come on, Malcolm, 47 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:35,240 "she's not coming back." 48 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,560 You know? Time for pastures new - 49 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:39,360 and then Helen just popped into my life. 50 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,520 How did you meet a woman? 51 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:44,080 Well we've not "met" met, you know, just... 52 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:45,600 Well, we met in cyberspace. 53 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,200 You know, on an app. 54 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:48,840 Oh, Dad... 55 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,520 We need to have a chat about catfishing. 56 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,120 He's driving me nuts. 57 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,800 Obviously. 58 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:05,440 He dried his underpants in the microwave the other day. Oh! 59 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:06,920 I shouldn't have to tell my own father 60 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:08,480 what he can and can't put in the microwave. 61 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,720 Hey, you should put a note on it, like Mum did. 62 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:11,800 Do you remember? 63 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,720 "No metal spoons, Malcolm. You twat." 64 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,040 Ooh, maybe I should make him a sign. 65 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:19,960 Oh, my God. What? 66 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,720 You're turning into mum! 67 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:23,240 I am not. 68 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:24,440 You are! 69 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:27,080 He's turning you into a replacement wife. 70 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,520 Oh! Oh... 71 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:34,040 I don't know how I'm gonna cope when the baby gets here. 72 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,880 You need to get yourself a business plan to get out of this mess. 73 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:39,920 Your last "business plan" got you incarcerated - 74 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,920 but, go ahead, Apprentice me, Jeffrey Bezos. 75 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,320 Well... 76 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:49,160 ..given your very limited skillset, 77 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:51,120 I think your best option 78 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:57,800 is to find a rich, and preferably senile, guy ASAP. 79 00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,520 Asap! 80 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:02,840 I'm good, 'in't I? 81 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:03,880 Mm. 82 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,320 Fuck. 83 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,720 If she won't let me see the kids this weekend, 84 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,880 she is not getting the crunchy bears. 85 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:16,280 Bloody women. 86 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:17,440 Yeah. 87 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:20,280 Talking of women, I have been looking for a companion on this app, 88 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,120 and I've found one. 89 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:25,280 Yeah, and we've been chatting, you know - and her name is Helen. 90 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,640 She's 50 and she works at the hospital, 91 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,520 and she doesn't have any kids or anything. 92 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,040 All right. Bang her, then leave her. 93 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,680 Yeah. Definitely. It's just... 94 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,440 I think I'm in love with her. HE SCOFFS 95 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,360 She-She's really funny you know and she just says things like... 96 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:39,800 Oh, Malcolm. 97 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,600 Women aren't funny. 98 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:42,840 Show me. 99 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:49,520 You dirty old dog! 100 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,000 This is a hook-up app! 101 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,040 A what? 102 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:53,160 Casual sex. 103 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,080 No. No, Helen wouldn't do that. 104 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:59,200 Malcolm, I promise you, this app is for finding a no-strings fuck buddy. 105 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,440 B-But I like strings, don't I? 106 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:02,240 I mean, strings are romantic, aren't they? 107 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,200 Let's see if she's turned on the "mutual attraction" feature. 108 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,320 What? 109 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:08,000 It lets you find each other, so you can meet up and smash. 110 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,000 What, without going to the cinema first? 111 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,280 Bingo. 112 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:13,880 I use this for my casual encounters all the time. 113 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,960 Or I will do. I'm just, er... 114 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,840 ..just waiting for a couple of rashes to clear up. 115 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,720 Give us it back. 116 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,480 So, you get this boring notification that alerts you 117 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,280 when you're within five metres of each other, 118 00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:28,400 or you can pay extra for this. 119 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,440 AIRHORN AUTOMATION: Wow, wow, pussy alert. 120 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,080 Want me to add it to yours too? Wow, wow pussy alert. 121 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:33,240 No, no, thanks. Wow, wow, pussy alert. 122 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,840 I'm fine with the factory settings. Wow, wow, pussy alert. 123 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,080 Wow, wow, pussy alert... 124 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,880 Rita, they're out of decaf at the minimart. 125 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,640 Do you want me to go to the big shop? Oh, no need, love. 126 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,440 Ooh, I know - let's open the tequila instead. 127 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,120 It's 9am, and I'm 18 weeks pregnant. 128 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,600 Winnie'll have one won't you? Little minx. 129 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:53,440 And I work so much better when I'm a few glasses down. 130 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,840 Congratulations, Gemma, love! 131 00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:58,080 And we don't know who the father is, do we? 132 00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,480 Is it that old one? 133 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,480 I thought you dumped that old one months ago. 134 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:03,000 I did dump him. 135 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,480 Because he wanted to settle down and have kids and I didn't. 136 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,440 Oh! Mm, the irony. 137 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,120 Adam actually asked me to marry him. 138 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:12,000 And why the hell didn't you, you silly mare? 139 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,720 You can't be turning men down in your condition. 140 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:15,960 I wasn't pregnant when he asked. 141 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,720 He owned that bungalow outright. 142 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,600 His trousers weren't made of polyester. 143 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,000 I'd kill for a man like that. 144 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,200 I wasn't in love with him. 145 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:23,480 Love? Pah. 146 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:26,840 I've been married four times, Gemma, and not once was it for love. 147 00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:28,960 A house, a car, some exquisite crockery - 148 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,440 but never love. 149 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:32,240 That's really sad, Rita. 150 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:33,920 I didn't plan on getting wed at all. 151 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:35,200 When I was your age, 152 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:36,720 I was after joining MI6 153 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:40,040 and being one of those spies that shagged about for secrets. 154 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,600 Am I gonna regret asking why you didn't become a spy? 155 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:47,040 I sucked off Mike Baldwin on a tour of the Coronation Street set. 156 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,520 They found out - they said I wasn't very discerning. 157 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,760 How did they find out? 158 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,400 Oh, I must have done it on camera by accident. 159 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,800 Didn't know I did Kevin Webster too, though, did they? Hmm? 160 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,600 Bloody MI6. They don't know shit. 161 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,320 I'm sorry, what are you trying to tell me? 162 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:03,040 Well, life is about compromise. 163 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,920 Especially for us girls. 164 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,160 My sister said something very similar. 165 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,440 Just because she's in prison 166 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:10,960 for paying a man to push another man down a lift-shaft... 167 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,160 Off a fire escape. 168 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,760 ..does not mean she gives bad advice. 169 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,760 And you can tell your dad he's welcome to pop in 170 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,640 for a Corrie Special whenever he likes. 171 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,680 Rita! I'm just saying. 172 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,360 Want a top up, Winnie? 173 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,080 Oh, you've not finished that one. 174 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:27,640 Thanks for coming with me. Um... 175 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,400 So, sorry, which one am I? 176 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,160 The blue dot that's moving, because of how you're moving. 177 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:33,480 Who's the pink one? 178 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:34,680 Fucking Helen! 179 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:35,760 OK. All right... 180 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,360 There's two fucking dots, Malcolm. Yeah, I know, I know. 181 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,120 Sorry. I get confused. Get your head in the game, man! 182 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:41,400 I don't know... 183 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:45,280 So, what's she like? Other than well up for it? 184 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:46,640 She's lovely. 185 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,840 We watch Emily In Paris at the same time 186 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,000 and then message each other about what Emily's wearing. 187 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,120 Weak. 188 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,320 Should get her to watch some UFC with you. 189 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:55,360 If she's turned on by a man 190 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,840 round-housing another man's head off, then she's a keeper. 191 00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:59,280 She's a vegan, which is a worry, 192 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:00,440 in case I smell of meat. 193 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:01,720 Do I smell of meat? 194 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:05,600 HE SNIFFS 195 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,560 I mean, a bit. But, you know, in a good way. 196 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,160 She runs. Mental. 197 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:10,720 And she believes in angels. 198 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:13,160 What? 199 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:14,800 Yeah. She believes in angels. 200 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,360 You know, that they, like... 201 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:17,640 ..they walk amongst us - 202 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,160 and it's very important that I believe in that, too. 203 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,120 Well, do you? Well, er... 204 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,080 I could. I mean, why not? 205 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:25,640 PHONE VIBRATES 206 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:26,880 OK. She's heading towards us. 207 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,080 Now's your chance. 208 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,080 55-year-old male, arrived by car. 209 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:35,000 Lacerations to both legs after a strimmer accident. 210 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,360 Careful... 211 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,800 He went into cardiac arrest on the way here. 212 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,080 Oh, my God, Malcolm! Did you see that? 213 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,480 I know. 214 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,120 I used to love using my strimmer. 215 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:48,720 Derek... 216 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,160 What kind of bloke are you after? 217 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,000 Other than "rich", to quote your sister. 218 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,680 Erm, not a prick. 219 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,520 Someone who is willing to look after my unborn child. 220 00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,080 Is that a high bar or a low bar? I can't tell. 221 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,320 Will you help me find him? 222 00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:02,760 I can if we go to Sugar Daddies. 223 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:04,840 Oh, God, it's not actually called that, is it? 224 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:06,120 Ugh, may as well be - 225 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,640 but trust me, it is THE place to go for your fairy-tale ending. 226 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:09,840 That good? 227 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,760 Mate of mine - no money, grotty flat - 228 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,000 went there one night, hooked up with an oligarch, 229 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,240 got married, he got murdered. 230 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,960 She now lives on a yacht with her super hot wife and couple of pugs. 231 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,640 Oh, my God. 232 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,520 A real-life Cinderella story. 233 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,080 Innit?! 234 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,680 Ooh, hello, ruffles! 235 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,440 Ooh. 236 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,320 Yeah. That's the one, isn't it? 237 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:38,640 Gem... Mmm. 238 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:40,840 Gem, can I ask a favour? 239 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,880 Oh, I'm not squeezing your back spots again, Dad. 240 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,520 Oh, no, it's not that... 241 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:48,560 I just wondered if I could borrow your very smart telephone to, erm... 242 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,240 ..take a pic of my willy. 243 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,640 No chance. 244 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:53,920 Use your own. 245 00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:55,320 I can't, can I? 246 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,440 I bought it second-hand off Andy, and he's smashed the camera in. 247 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,560 Why? Well, cos his brother told him to 248 00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:03,080 in case he caught 5G or something, I don't know. 249 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,680 No. Oh, go on! 250 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,840 It's for Helen, you know, so she can... 251 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,360 So she can see the goods. 252 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,280 Dad, Helen is a six foot trucker from Didsbury. 253 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,000 No, she's not. Me and Derek saw her. 254 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:14,560 She's lovely. 255 00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:15,680 Right! 256 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,880 Well, if she's so lovely, why are you sending her a picture 257 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:19,680 of your willy? Your penis? 258 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:22,720 Well, you know, I'm just stepping up the wooing to the next level. 259 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:25,040 An unsolicited dick pic is not the next level. 260 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,120 No, it's not unsolicited - it's solicited. 261 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,480 She sent me pictures of her... lady breasts. 262 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,040 Loads of pictures, actually. 263 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,160 Go on, Gem. 264 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,880 Oh, my God... 265 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:35,440 No. 266 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,600 Christ. 267 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:38,920 God. 268 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,120 I probably don't deserve love, do I, anyway? 269 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:44,480 Look at me. 270 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:47,560 Take it! 271 00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:48,960 Oh, thanks, Gem! 272 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:52,760 Fucking hell. 273 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:07,440 Gem? 274 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,120 What? 275 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:10,720 Erm... 276 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,440 I don't know how to send it. 277 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:16,200 You couldn't it send to me, could you? 278 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,680 Cos then I can send to her, you see. 279 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:19,160 Dad, are you for real? 280 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,400 Please. 281 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,200 Oh, my God. 282 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,240 Cheers. 283 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,280 Jesus, Dad. 284 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:27,840 This is flaccid. 285 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,400 Well, I didn't want to be presumptuous, did I? No. 286 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,480 You cannot send a flaccid cock shot. 287 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:36,080 OK? This looks like a baby rat that's fallen asleep on a scourer. 288 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,120 Do it again. 289 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,760 But this time... 290 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,360 ..erect. 291 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:43,720 Thanks, Gemma. 292 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:47,880 I'll just pop on a Kylie video. 293 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:55,680 Go on. 294 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,680 Get comfy. 295 00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:00,920 Are you sure you still want to do this? 296 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,280 Yep. 297 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,600 After what I had to do to help my dad get a date, 298 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,440 this is going to feel like a walk in the park. 299 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,800 Let's find you a daddy. 300 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,280 Cute. 301 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,200 Right, follow me, babe. 302 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,320 Wow. 303 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,240 God, you really weren't joking about who comes in here. 304 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:31,800 Right. 305 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:34,520 A few little rules worth keeping in mind. 306 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,720 This is not the first time I've chatted men up in a bar. 307 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,560 Laugh at all their terrible jokes. Mm-hm. 308 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,280 Don't talk about politics. 309 00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:41,840 Pretend you like golf. 310 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,600 DON'T slag off the King. 311 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,760 Hadn't actually thought of those last two. 312 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,320 Ladies. 313 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:48,640 He smells weird. 314 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:50,200 Oh, pregnancy early warning system. 315 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,360 Sorry, babe. 316 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,840 Hey. Hi. I'm Clint. 317 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,560 Friends call me the Clintser. 318 00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:58,880 Ooh... 319 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,960 Er, what's your favourite novel, Clint? 320 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,240 Shakespeare. 321 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,400 Mm-hm. 322 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:06,440 Mmmm. Oh. 323 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:07,680 Bye. 324 00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,480 Look, this won't work if you're too picky. No, I know. 325 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,920 I know, I'm sorry. I'll promise I'll make an effort with the next one. 326 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:13,440 Even if he's gross and thick? Yeah. 327 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:14,800 I'm not leaving here 328 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,680 until I have a potential father for my unborn child. 329 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:17,760 Good lass. 330 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,200 Ooh... May I buy you ladies a drink? 331 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,360 Champagne, maybe? 332 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,840 I'm Fergal. 333 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:27,320 And you are...? Gemma. Cherry. 334 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:30,080 I was going to say, 335 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,480 "Far too gorgeous to be in a place like this." 336 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,120 Fucking baiter. 337 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,240 I knew you'd get stood up, Malc. 338 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:49,880 I knew it. 339 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:54,760 I told you not to send her a pickle picture without showing me first. 340 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:58,160 Helen was very nice about my "display", actually. 341 00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,560 And, anyway, she hasn't stood me up. 342 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,560 Well, not yet, anyway. 343 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:04,080 Then why is she meeting you so late? 344 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:07,120 She's probably waiting for her jealous husband to fall asleep. 345 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,080 She does overtime on Fridays. 346 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,040 I'm sorry, Derek. 347 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:13,320 I'm just nervous, aren't I? 348 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,080 Oh, grow up. 349 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,960 You are a man, 350 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,600 and any man is better than any female. 351 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,480 Oh, what, so Fred West better than Shirley Bassey, is he? 352 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,040 You're fiddling the system now, Malcolm. Stop it. 353 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,840 I mean, what if she wants to, you know...? 354 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:32,600 Good! That's what you're paying £2.99 a month for. 355 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,000 SOBS: I'm not ready for that... 356 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,200 I'm not ready... Malcolm? 357 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,080 No! No, no! Sorry! 358 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:40,280 I didn't get the alert! 359 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,160 I didn't get an alert. I'm not ready! 360 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,680 I'm not ready! I'm not ready! 361 00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:45,960 Aah! Malcolm? 362 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,760 Is he OK? Obviously not. 363 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,120 And that's your fault. 364 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,360 Who are you? 365 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:54,680 Oh. 366 00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,040 Oh, no, what's happening? 367 00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:00,160 Oh, no, I think I'm having a heart attack. 368 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,480 Oh... 369 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,040 Oh, you should probably do the thing. 370 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,520 Help me. Help me...! 371 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:05,680 Ugh... 372 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,040 Dickhead. 373 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:17,840 Malcolm, my friend, what you need is the old "Wow, wow pussy alert". 374 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,480 Your husband's a professional rugby player? 375 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,760 Yeah, he has been with the same club since he was 11 years old. 376 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:28,040 He'll never move away, though, his mum's a right needy wanker. 377 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:29,880 She has Parkinson's disease. 378 00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,880 Yeah, and she doesn't let you forget it. 379 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:37,200 Babe, eyes on the prize, eh? Yeah. 380 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,160 Another round, Fergal? 381 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,640 You're so good at buying drinks, after all. 382 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:46,280 That's a terrible line! 383 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,560 But I-I am very good at buying drinks. 384 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,160 Thank you. 385 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,320 Mate, sorry. 386 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:56,680 Excu... 387 00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,920 Hi! 388 00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:02,880 Er, hi...Gemma? Mm-hm. 389 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,320 Are you here alone? 390 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,480 Er, with my boss. 391 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,880 Oh, right. Is he a massive douchebag? 392 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,280 No, he's just...really lonely. 393 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,960 Can I buy you a drink? Maybe? 394 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:18,160 Erm, could we get a bottle of champagne and some sparkling water? 395 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:19,680 Whoa! 396 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,000 Shit, OK. 397 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:24,480 Do you think I'm running some sort of Breaking Bad operation? 398 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,800 Because while I technically do know how to make methamphetamine, 399 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:31,320 I would have absolutely no idea how to shift it. 400 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,560 Drinks are on Fergal. 401 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,040 Sorry, who's Fergal? 402 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,840 Er, Fergs and I have decided this place sucks a donkey's big fat dick. 403 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,000 That's not quite what I said. 404 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,320 Who is this? I... We're going back to mine. 405 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,120 You coming? Er... Great! 406 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,480 You found one for me too! Thanks, babe. 407 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:49,640 You can have this back. Thanks. 408 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:50,680 Come on. 409 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,160 What did you tell her? 410 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,920 That you had the shits. Oh... 411 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,000 I said you'd seen an angel and it'd made your stomach go funny. 412 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,160 Why?! 413 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,360 Cos it's just as likely as anything else that would happen 414 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:03,960 if you saw an angel. 415 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,640 You know, I'm not cut out for this. 416 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:06,720 Davina was cruel, 417 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,760 but at least I knew where all her bits were and how they worked. 418 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,320 She was like a menopausal Ford Focus. 419 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:13,560 Hey, come on. 420 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:14,680 You'll get there, champ. 421 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,760 If not now, then...one day. 422 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:19,960 Besides, now I've Helen up close, 423 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,760 she's only a six at best on the pussy-ometer, so... 424 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,400 Six? I like a six. 425 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,080 So are you, erm, a doctor? 426 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,880 No. Oh... 427 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,800 I love a man in uniform. 428 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,560 That's nice... I don't... I don't wear one of those either. 429 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:39,040 So, I guess this is the part where you tell me you are married...? 430 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,960 I was married, 431 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,720 but we split up six months ago. 432 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:46,400 We were childhood sweethearts, 433 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,280 but she wanted something different. 434 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:50,520 And she was devoted to her career, 435 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:51,800 but I... 436 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,840 I really want a family. 437 00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:59,600 God, I didn't even know that men had a biological clock. 438 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,840 Alexa, play Fergal's Midnight Playlist. 439 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,440 What the fuck...? 440 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:11,120 MUSIC: You're the Best Thing by The Style Council 441 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:15,040 Oh, my God, I've not heard this song for years. 442 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:18,000 My dad would sing this all the time when we were little. 443 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:38,880 Yeah. Yeah, guys. 444 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,160 Don't worry about it. Yeah, I'll just, erm... 445 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,400 Yeah. 446 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,040 Cheers, everybody. 447 00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,920 So, you'll message me? 448 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:04,240 Look, I really like you, so I don't want to start with a lie. 449 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:05,680 I'm pregnant. 450 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,480 What? Mm. 451 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:09,400 Wow. That's... 452 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:10,960 Massive. Yeah. Yeah. 453 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,760 Hey, do you still want that DM? 454 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,320 I don't know where this is gonna go... 455 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,360 ..but girls like you really don't come along very often. 456 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,160 It's such a beautiful morning. 457 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,280 Yeah. 458 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,560 Oh, no! 459 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:48,880 Chemtrails. 460 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,160 What? 461 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,200 You see that line behind the plane up there? 462 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,320 That's a fucking chemtrail. 463 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:57,800 Fuck! 464 00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,800 Fucking cloud bastards. 465 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,960 The government use aeroplanes to pump chemicals into the atmosphere, 466 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,400 which keep the electorate stupid and control our minds. 467 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,000 It's the same with fluoride in the water. 468 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,240 If it's to protect people's teeth, 469 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,720 why have so many people got fillings? 470 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,320 Think about it. I mean, it makes no fucking sense. 471 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:20,760 Mm... 472 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:21,920 I'm in a WhatsApp group, 473 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:23,920 we're really trying to blow this whole thing wide open. 474 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,640 Let the sheeple know the truth. 475 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,120 Yeah, about the chemtrails? 476 00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:28,840 I'll add you to the group. 477 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:30,280 OK! 478 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:34,960 Thanks for a great night. Thanks. 479 00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:53,840 So close. 480 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:04,200 Dad! Have you had the lights on since I left this morning? 481 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:05,240 No. 482 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,720 You've been moping about for days. 483 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:11,560 Are you still connected to her on the app? 484 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,200 Yeah. 485 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,080 That's how I know she's been at work all week, 486 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,640 but she hasn't read or replied to any of my messages. 487 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:21,760 Right. 488 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,200 Have a short shower and get dressed. 489 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:28,680 You're going to tell her how you feel, the old-fashioned way. 490 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,600 What, a post-it note through the letterbox? 491 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:33,960 What? 492 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,080 It's just here, by the church. 493 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,000 I don't know what I'm gonna say to her. 494 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,400 Just tell her you're sorry. 495 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,680 Still don't think we should have brought 496 00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,200 your emotional support dickhead along. 497 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,120 Yeah. She's getting married. 498 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,160 Called it. 499 00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:00,400 She just wanted you for one last blow on the meat horn, Malc. 500 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:01,680 And you bailed on her. 501 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,320 Do not listen to him, Dad. 502 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:04,880 She'll just be a guest. 503 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,240 Have you got the flowers? 504 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,280 This is so not wedding-appropriate. 505 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,040 What if I get tagged in the photos? 506 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,000 I think you look lovely. 507 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,960 You've got that glow, the baby glow. 508 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:36,360 She's dead. 509 00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:40,120 Malcolm... Oh Dad! 510 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:41,200 Excuse me. 511 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:44,480 Oh, God. 512 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,640 It's probably for the best. 513 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,160 Hey, she could have had a disease 514 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,400 she was trying to pass on as an act of vengeance. 515 00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:57,720 Shut up. 516 00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,480 I can't believe she's dead. 517 00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:03,320 One minute, she's sat in the garden with a chunky John Grisham, 518 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,320 and the next her brain just pops. 519 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,400 Did you know Helen well? 520 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:10,720 Erm... 521 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,440 She was so lovely. 522 00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:15,320 Helped me out no end with this one. 523 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,480 She was lovely, wasn't she? 524 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,960 I just wish I'd had a chance to tell her, you know... 525 00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:27,360 They've put her phone in the casket, 526 00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:30,120 so you can send her a little message later if you like. 527 00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:31,320 Lovely. 528 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:34,520 MUSIC: Adagio for Strings by Samuel Barber 529 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:49,280 AIRHORN 530 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:51,000 AUTOMATION: Wow, wow, pussy alert. Derek! 531 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,520 It's you, Malcolm. Wow, wow, pussy alert. 532 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,800 Turn your phone off. Have some respect. Wow, wow, pussy alert. 533 00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:56,160 Wow, wow, pussy alert. Can you hold them? 534 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:57,560 Wow, wow, pussy alert. 535 00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:00,880 Wow, wow, pussy alert. Wow, wow, pussy alert. 536 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,720 I've got it. It's off. 537 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:07,680 At least she's with her best friends, the angels, now. 538 00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:31,040 Was it the start of something beautiful with Fergal? 539 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,240 Turns out he was in a WhatsApp group 540 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,680 dedicated to exposing government conspiracy theories. 541 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,720 Chemtrails, specifically. 542 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,680 Oh, mate. I am so sorry. 543 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:43,440 No, it's better I find out now than on our wedding day. 544 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,120 How pregnant are you? 545 00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:49,840 What gave it away? 546 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:52,960 Those antibiotics you had are mainly given to pregnant people. 547 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:56,200 Plus you weren't drinking at Sugar Daddies. 548 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:58,720 Yeah. 18 weeks. 549 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:02,280 And he's not on the scene, which is why I was at the club, 550 00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:04,640 because I was panicking about doing it alone. 551 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:07,240 That's, er... 552 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:08,880 That's a lot. 553 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:11,120 Fergal was really fit though, wasn't he? 554 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,240 Yeah. Really...fit. 555 00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:16,680 Do you, er... 556 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,560 ..fancy getting a coffee sometime? 557 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,560 I think it's your turn to pay. 558 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:22,280 Oh, my God, it is. 559 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,400 Yeah. Oh, perfect. 560 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:27,880 I can tell you all about my theory on why 9/11 was an inside job.