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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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["Express Yourself" by Madonna playing]
4
00:00:26,875 --> 00:00:30,416
Push, push, push!
5
00:00:30,500 --> 00:00:34,000
I can't do it! It hurts!
I hate you, bitch!
6
00:00:34,083 --> 00:00:34,916
Hey!
7
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:39,333
Sorry, but the expectant mother
often lashes out at her support system.
8
00:00:39,416 --> 00:00:41,666
Lainy, why do we
have to play "mom" every day?
9
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,750
I don't even want to be a mom.
10
00:00:43,833 --> 00:00:45,541
Never say that, Kate.
11
00:00:45,625 --> 00:00:49,500
Being a mom is the greatest thing
a human being can do.
12
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,875
And someday, when we do it for real,
13
00:00:51,958 --> 00:00:53,750
we're gonna have to be there
for each other.
14
00:00:53,833 --> 00:00:56,166
- Because our moms are dead.
- Mm-hmm.
15
00:00:56,250 --> 00:00:58,958
Now hold my hand! I'm crowning!
16
00:00:59,541 --> 00:01:01,166
[screaming]
17
00:01:01,250 --> 00:01:03,250
["Manhattan" by Cat Power playing]
18
00:01:03,333 --> 00:01:05,916
♪ The hotel above and the street below
People come… ♪
19
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,666
[line ringing]
20
00:01:08,750 --> 00:01:11,166
[yawns]
21
00:01:12,041 --> 00:01:15,166
Lainy, did you call me just to yawn?
22
00:01:15,250 --> 00:01:17,541
Kate, I can't dictate what my body needs.
23
00:01:18,250 --> 00:01:20,375
But you really think it's happening today?
24
00:01:20,458 --> 00:01:21,416
[Kate] Are you serious?
25
00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:25,000
He's taking you to a fancy restaurant
on your anniversary.
26
00:01:25,083 --> 00:01:27,583
- He's going to propose!
- [squeals excitedly]
27
00:01:27,666 --> 00:01:31,375
I mean, he said he has something
very special to ask you. It's happening.
28
00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:33,958
Oh, gosh! I can't handle it.
29
00:01:34,041 --> 00:01:36,625
Okay, so you really think
today is the day?
30
00:01:36,708 --> 00:01:38,375
I know today is the day.
31
00:01:38,458 --> 00:01:41,208
And today is also the day
that I find a gray pube,
32
00:01:41,291 --> 00:01:43,208
because I just found a gray pube. Wow.
33
00:01:43,291 --> 00:01:44,291
Ooh, can I see?
34
00:01:44,375 --> 00:01:46,166
- Get the hell out of here!
- Okay. All right.
35
00:01:46,250 --> 00:01:47,916
It'll make your bush look wiser.
36
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,708
[Kate] Now this thing is going to look
like Steve Martin by the summer.
37
00:01:50,791 --> 00:01:55,500
Goddammit. Mark, where are my tweezers
that are supposed to be just for me?
38
00:01:57,083 --> 00:01:59,166
- [grunts]
- [Kate] Oh, God, are you okay?
39
00:01:59,750 --> 00:02:02,291
All good.
That's why I leave the pillows there.
40
00:02:02,375 --> 00:02:06,208
Found it. Sorry about that.
Had a nasty-ass ingrown.
41
00:02:06,291 --> 00:02:08,041
- Get out.
- Okay.
42
00:02:08,125 --> 00:02:10,083
- Goddammit.
- [door closes]
43
00:02:10,166 --> 00:02:11,416
Are you going to say yes?
44
00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:12,916
Uh, yes.
45
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,250
Yeah, marriage!
46
00:02:14,333 --> 00:02:16,958
I've been waiting
for this moment for so long.
47
00:02:17,041 --> 00:02:18,250
Honey, it's happening.
48
00:02:20,083 --> 00:02:21,333
Do I have a mustache?
49
00:02:21,416 --> 00:02:22,791
No, you're insane.
50
00:02:23,375 --> 00:02:25,541
No, do I have a fucking mustache?
51
00:02:25,625 --> 00:02:27,500
I love you so much.
I'll see you at school.
52
00:02:27,583 --> 00:02:29,250
- Bye.
- Hey, do I have a fucking mustache?
53
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,000
Oh my God, Mark? Mark?
54
00:02:39,083 --> 00:02:40,250
[Mark] Yeah?
55
00:02:41,375 --> 00:02:43,458
Oh, this time you don't come in. Come in!
56
00:02:43,541 --> 00:02:44,625
[Mark] Okay. Just…
57
00:02:44,708 --> 00:02:46,500
[uplifting music playing]
58
00:02:48,208 --> 00:02:49,166
Oh…
59
00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:50,791
Oh, babe.
60
00:02:51,875 --> 00:02:53,791
- Oh my God.
- We're having a baby.
61
00:02:53,875 --> 00:02:55,208
We're gonna have a baby.
62
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:57,375
Why is it wet?
63
00:02:58,041 --> 00:02:59,750
It's piss, Mark.
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00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:06,875
{\an8}"Oh, Romeo! Romeo!
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?"
65
00:03:06,958 --> 00:03:07,958
{\an8}[whimsical music playing]
66
00:03:08,041 --> 00:03:11,125
{\an8}"Deny thy father and refuse thy name,
67
00:03:11,208 --> 00:03:13,291
{\an8}or if thou wilt not,
68
00:03:13,375 --> 00:03:15,125
be but sworn, my love,
69
00:03:15,208 --> 00:03:18,541
I'll no longer be a Capulet."
70
00:03:18,625 --> 00:03:19,916
Ms. Newton…
71
00:03:20,708 --> 00:03:23,541
I'm unbelievably uncomfortable right now.
72
00:03:23,625 --> 00:03:26,791
Okay. Thank you
for expressing that to me, Brett.
73
00:03:26,875 --> 00:03:28,500
Go ahead, take your seat.
74
00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:31,833
Now, does everyone understand
75
00:03:32,875 --> 00:03:36,041
what's happening in this masterful text?
76
00:03:36,125 --> 00:03:39,458
Yeah, Juliet's trying to smash.
77
00:03:39,541 --> 00:03:40,875
[students laughing]
78
00:03:40,958 --> 00:03:44,208
Yes. Very funny, Liam.
That is one way of looking at it.
79
00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:46,125
But it's more pure than that.
80
00:03:47,375 --> 00:03:51,458
These two people are in love,
and that's how you all got here.
81
00:03:51,541 --> 00:03:53,125
Your parents fell in love,
82
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,458
and then you gave them
the greatest gift of all…
83
00:03:57,166 --> 00:03:59,375
when you made them mommies and daddies.
84
00:04:00,375 --> 00:04:01,750
You have a mustache.
85
00:04:02,333 --> 00:04:03,500
[whispering] I knew it.
86
00:04:03,583 --> 00:04:04,833
[inhaling, smacking lips]
87
00:04:04,916 --> 00:04:06,916
- [cell phone vibrates]
- Oh!
88
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,875
Everyone, work on your summaries, okay?
89
00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:15,541
Hi.
90
00:04:15,625 --> 00:04:17,583
[Dave] Hey, smoke show,
I left my watch at home.
91
00:04:17,666 --> 00:04:19,250
Mind grabbing it on the way to dinner?
92
00:04:19,333 --> 00:04:21,916
Makes everything else I'm wearing
look a little better, you know?
93
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,083
Sure, I can grab it.
94
00:04:24,750 --> 00:04:27,208
Sounds like you want to
look really sharp for tonight.
95
00:04:27,291 --> 00:04:28,583
I gotta look good for you, babe.
96
00:04:28,666 --> 00:04:30,666
Thanks for getting the watch.
I'll see you tonight.
97
00:04:30,750 --> 00:04:31,666
You got it. Bye.
98
00:04:33,208 --> 00:04:35,250
You look happy. I don't like it.
99
00:04:35,875 --> 00:04:37,875
I think Dave's popping
the question tonight.
100
00:04:37,958 --> 00:04:39,541
Ooh!
101
00:04:39,625 --> 00:04:42,041
I guess I can free myself up
to be maid of honor.
102
00:04:42,125 --> 00:04:43,750
I can't do weekends, though.
103
00:04:43,833 --> 00:04:46,250
Yeah. I don't know
if you'll have to worry about that.
104
00:04:46,333 --> 00:04:47,750
What are you doing here?
105
00:04:47,833 --> 00:04:50,041
I'm a guidance counselor, so I'm guiding.
106
00:04:50,125 --> 00:04:52,000
A lot of lost souls in this school.
107
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:55,250
If it wasn't for me,
it would be a shitshow.
108
00:04:55,333 --> 00:04:56,416
Hey!
109
00:04:57,625 --> 00:04:58,875
Where were you?
110
00:04:58,958 --> 00:05:01,791
[sniffs] You smell like cocaine.
I'll be back.
111
00:05:02,541 --> 00:05:04,166
We can talk about dresses later.
112
00:05:04,250 --> 00:05:07,000
What have you got in your locker?
Eight ball, nine ball?
113
00:05:09,833 --> 00:05:12,541
♪ Do it, baby, do what I should think ♪
114
00:05:13,375 --> 00:05:15,916
{\an8}["Million Dollar Baby"
by Tommy Richman playing]
115
00:05:16,791 --> 00:05:19,375
♪ Do it, baby, do what I should think ♪
116
00:05:19,958 --> 00:05:22,333
♪ Do it, baby, do what I could think ♪
117
00:05:22,416 --> 00:05:24,583
♪ I ain't never rep a set, baby ♪
118
00:05:25,208 --> 00:05:26,625
♪ Ain't do no wrong ♪
119
00:05:26,708 --> 00:05:29,041
Wait till I decorate this place.
120
00:05:29,833 --> 00:05:32,666
♪ 'Cause I want to make it, so badly… ♪
121
00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:33,583
Ah!
122
00:05:34,291 --> 00:05:35,791
There you are.
123
00:05:35,875 --> 00:05:38,583
- ♪ Don't at me ♪
- ♪ Hell no ♪
124
00:05:38,666 --> 00:05:41,875
♪ You rep my city for so damn long ♪
125
00:05:42,583 --> 00:05:43,833
[chuckles excitedly]
126
00:05:44,708 --> 00:05:46,500
Oh, Dave.
127
00:05:47,666 --> 00:05:50,083
Size four? I love that you think that.
128
00:05:50,166 --> 00:05:52,875
♪ Do it, baby, do what I should think ♪
129
00:05:53,458 --> 00:05:56,458
♪ Do it, baby, do what I could think ♪
130
00:05:57,083 --> 00:05:58,250
Gosh.
131
00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:06,666
["Chemicals" by SG Lewis playing]
132
00:06:06,750 --> 00:06:08,916
[people chattering indistinctly]
133
00:06:22,375 --> 00:06:25,125
[chuckles] Sorry. Hi.
134
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:28,958
Don't get up.
135
00:06:29,583 --> 00:06:30,833
- Hey, babe.
- Hi.
136
00:06:32,625 --> 00:06:33,625
[both chuckling]
137
00:06:33,708 --> 00:06:36,708
Did you see
I had a little stumble on the stairs?
138
00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:38,458
A stumble?
139
00:06:38,541 --> 00:06:39,625
[chuckles]
140
00:06:39,708 --> 00:06:41,916
I think that girl tripped me.
141
00:06:42,875 --> 00:06:45,291
You look nice. I like the dress.
142
00:06:45,375 --> 00:06:47,541
Well, thank you. I'm a little tight.
143
00:06:48,416 --> 00:06:50,541
I feel like I'm breathing through a straw.
144
00:06:50,625 --> 00:06:53,541
But we're all going to end up
that way someday, right?
145
00:06:55,125 --> 00:06:57,666
I'm just joking about
getting old and dying.
146
00:06:59,291 --> 00:07:00,208
Let's order.
147
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,333
Showtime.
148
00:07:07,625 --> 00:07:09,750
So, anyway, um…
149
00:07:09,833 --> 00:07:13,416
- Four years, me and you, long-ass time.
- [Lainy chuckles excitedly]
150
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:14,708
You're telling me.
151
00:07:14,791 --> 00:07:16,708
And I was thinking to myself,
152
00:07:16,791 --> 00:07:19,250
"Dave, it's time to level this shit up."
153
00:07:20,291 --> 00:07:21,833
- Yeah, level it up.
- [Dave] Right?
154
00:07:21,916 --> 00:07:23,166
The champagne you ordered, sir.
155
00:07:23,250 --> 00:07:25,041
I got it, thanks. You guys can go.
156
00:07:25,125 --> 00:07:28,708
We're in the middle of
something really important. [chuckling]
157
00:07:28,791 --> 00:07:30,083
Let's go.
158
00:07:30,666 --> 00:07:35,416
Lainy… [clears throat] …I want you
to make me the luckiest man alive.
159
00:07:35,916 --> 00:07:37,208
Bon appétit.
160
00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:39,208
[Lainy] Oh my God. It's beautiful.
161
00:07:40,625 --> 00:07:42,666
This is it, right? It's here?
162
00:07:43,333 --> 00:07:44,416
Aw…
163
00:07:45,291 --> 00:07:46,791
Where you at?
164
00:07:46,875 --> 00:07:48,875
What the… What are you doing?
165
00:07:48,958 --> 00:07:50,291
I am… I…
166
00:07:50,375 --> 00:07:52,625
[chuckles] Sorry, I thought…
167
00:07:52,708 --> 00:07:54,666
Um… I'm just really nervous,
168
00:07:54,750 --> 00:07:57,375
but say what you were saying,
don't worry about this.
169
00:07:58,250 --> 00:07:59,291
Lainy…
170
00:07:59,375 --> 00:08:00,666
[dramatic music playing]
171
00:08:01,291 --> 00:08:02,458
I want us…
172
00:08:05,666 --> 00:08:07,250
to have a threesome.
173
00:08:07,333 --> 00:08:08,583
[music fades]
174
00:08:09,166 --> 00:08:10,875
Uh, a what what?
175
00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:12,041
A threesome.
176
00:08:12,541 --> 00:08:14,291
Look, babe, our relationship is strong.
177
00:08:14,375 --> 00:08:15,708
Let's open it up, right?
178
00:08:15,791 --> 00:08:17,500
Oh, uh, this is Moira.
179
00:08:17,583 --> 00:08:20,791
Hi! Davey's told me so much about you.
180
00:08:21,375 --> 00:08:23,708
Oh, it's my dress.
I knew I left it over there.
181
00:08:24,375 --> 00:08:27,750
What the fuck, Dave?
I thought you wanted to get married.
182
00:08:27,833 --> 00:08:29,833
Lainy, come on.
183
00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:32,125
You can't have a threesome with your wife.
184
00:08:32,208 --> 00:08:34,333
- That's weird, right?
- Yeah, that's gross.
185
00:08:34,416 --> 00:08:36,416
[Dave] Wife, weird. Girlfriend, cool.
186
00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:38,250
Anyway, I'm going to pay for this check.
187
00:08:38,333 --> 00:08:39,958
We'll go back to my apartment,
188
00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:42,791
chisel you out of that dress,
and see what happens.
189
00:08:42,875 --> 00:08:44,958
[screams]
190
00:08:45,708 --> 00:08:48,166
Lainy, what the fuck?
191
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,333
[sobbing loudly]
192
00:08:51,416 --> 00:08:53,166
Lainy, you are causing a scene.
193
00:08:53,916 --> 00:08:57,208
You want a scene? You want a scene!
194
00:08:57,708 --> 00:08:59,916
[screaming]
195
00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:04,541
I'll show you a fucking scene!
You want a scene?
196
00:09:04,625 --> 00:09:07,625
Here's a scene
coming at you and your dress!
197
00:09:07,708 --> 00:09:08,958
Fuck you!
198
00:09:09,833 --> 00:09:10,666
Lainy.
199
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:12,375
I didn't really eat dinner.
200
00:09:14,083 --> 00:09:15,000
[Dave] Lainy!
201
00:09:15,666 --> 00:09:17,250
This food sucks.
202
00:09:17,333 --> 00:09:19,500
- [Dave] It doesn't have to be Moira!
- [sobs]
203
00:09:20,791 --> 00:09:22,250
[music fades]
204
00:09:31,333 --> 00:09:33,166
- [student] Ms. Newton?
- What?
205
00:09:33,916 --> 00:09:35,708
Do you want me to hand out the quizzes?
206
00:09:41,208 --> 00:09:42,208
No.
207
00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:46,833
It's going to be an oral exam.
208
00:09:47,625 --> 00:09:48,458
[student] What?
209
00:09:50,041 --> 00:09:52,750
I'm assuming
you're all familiar with oral.
210
00:09:52,833 --> 00:09:54,166
Little perverts.
211
00:09:54,250 --> 00:09:56,125
[breathing deeply, exhaling]
212
00:09:56,625 --> 00:09:57,583
Brett.
213
00:09:58,916 --> 00:10:01,333
What is Romeo and Juliet about?
214
00:10:01,416 --> 00:10:03,708
Oh, um, it's a beautiful love story.
215
00:10:03,791 --> 00:10:05,791
[mimicking buzzer]
216
00:10:05,875 --> 00:10:07,333
Wrong answer.
217
00:10:07,416 --> 00:10:09,375
Boo. Everyone boo Brett.
218
00:10:09,458 --> 00:10:11,708
[students hesitantly] Boo.
219
00:10:11,791 --> 00:10:14,791
- Really "boo" him.
- [louder] Boo!
220
00:10:14,875 --> 00:10:17,458
Boo! Very naive.
221
00:10:18,458 --> 00:10:19,625
Who was it?
222
00:10:19,708 --> 00:10:21,250
Ah! Liam.
223
00:10:21,333 --> 00:10:27,000
Yes. Liam, will you remind us,
what is Romeo and Juliet really about?
224
00:10:27,083 --> 00:10:29,291
Romeo just wants a piece?
225
00:10:29,375 --> 00:10:31,958
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
226
00:10:32,041 --> 00:10:32,875
Right answer!
227
00:10:32,958 --> 00:10:36,958
Tell him what he's won!
A big fat dose of reality, kids.
228
00:10:37,041 --> 00:10:38,416
Because guess what?
229
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:41,625
Romeo doesn't just want Juliet. No!
230
00:10:41,708 --> 00:10:45,291
Romeo wants pussy
from all over fair Verona.
231
00:10:45,375 --> 00:10:48,208
And he wants
a fucking threesome with Moira?
232
00:10:48,291 --> 00:10:51,208
Have you ever heard of Moira? [grunts]
233
00:10:51,791 --> 00:10:53,000
What's a threesome?
234
00:10:53,083 --> 00:10:55,375
A threesome? Glad you asked this.
235
00:10:55,458 --> 00:10:58,625
Okay, everybody take notes,
because this is important.
236
00:10:58,708 --> 00:11:02,541
Get out your phone calculators
and whatever else the fuck you want.
237
00:11:03,958 --> 00:11:08,041
A threesome is when three people…
238
00:11:09,833 --> 00:11:14,500
do what only two people should do.
239
00:11:14,583 --> 00:11:15,916
Like a seesaw?
240
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,125
- Exactly like a seesaw!
- [gasping]
241
00:11:18,208 --> 00:11:20,416
You know what?
Pass your books to the front.
242
00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:22,875
Everybody pass copies
of your books to the front.
243
00:11:22,958 --> 00:11:26,291
Come on, I don't have all day.
Come on, give me the fucking books!
244
00:11:26,375 --> 00:11:28,416
Let's go, let's go, come on!
245
00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:29,958
- Hurry up!
- I'm scared.
246
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:35,125
Is this about your mustache?
'Cause it looks a lot better.
247
00:11:38,708 --> 00:11:41,083
This isn't about my mustache.
248
00:11:41,166 --> 00:11:44,875
This is about the fact that Shakespeare…
249
00:11:45,750 --> 00:11:47,000
is dog shit.
250
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:49,458
And love…
251
00:11:50,458 --> 00:11:53,000
is a fucking lie.
252
00:12:00,458 --> 00:12:01,833
[fire crackling]
253
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:05,708
[blowing]
254
00:12:06,666 --> 00:12:09,625
["A N X I E T Y" by Sleepy Hallow playing]
255
00:12:10,708 --> 00:12:13,500
Um, Ms. Newton,
should we evacuate the school?
256
00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:15,500
Mm-hmm.
257
00:12:15,583 --> 00:12:18,333
♪ Look, shit got me tripping
Fighting with my demons… ♪
258
00:12:18,416 --> 00:12:22,291
Stay away from the fire.
We're not sure how it got lit.
259
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:23,875
We'll get to the bottom of it.
260
00:12:23,958 --> 00:12:27,541
- [fire alarm ringing]
- Get out, kids! We're gonna die! Get out!
261
00:12:27,625 --> 00:12:30,416
I don't want to burn to death! Get out!
262
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:31,750
♪ It don't come with a coupon ♪
263
00:12:31,833 --> 00:12:34,125
♪ And they'll never catch it
Like a ***** with no arms ♪
264
00:12:34,208 --> 00:12:36,416
♪ Baby, I'm trippin'
My feelings been fryin' me ♪
265
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:38,708
♪ I blame it all on anxiety
I had two chops… ♪
266
00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:41,625
[woman] All right, guys, come on.
Hurry up, let's go.
267
00:12:41,708 --> 00:12:43,583
♪ They showing real love
That's unlikely ♪
268
00:12:43,666 --> 00:12:45,208
♪ Fuck you, I ain't ask you to like me ♪
269
00:12:45,291 --> 00:12:47,791
♪ Watch for that snake, he might bite me
Watch out for anybody… ♪
270
00:12:47,875 --> 00:12:50,583
Excuse me. Sorry. Everyone, stay warm.
271
00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:53,583
Stay calm.
272
00:12:54,791 --> 00:12:56,291
Okay. Excuse me.
273
00:12:57,041 --> 00:12:59,041
[siren wailing]
274
00:12:59,125 --> 00:13:00,708
♪ Anxiety, keep on trying me ♪
275
00:13:00,791 --> 00:13:02,458
♪ Feel it quietly ♪
276
00:13:02,541 --> 00:13:04,125
♪ Tryna silence me, yeah ♪
277
00:13:04,708 --> 00:13:05,583
♪ Anxiety… ♪
278
00:13:05,666 --> 00:13:06,916
[chattering indistinctly]
279
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,000
♪ Somebody's watching me… ♪
280
00:13:10,083 --> 00:13:10,958
Hi.
281
00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:12,750
[song fades]
282
00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:15,708
Oh, honey. I am so sorry.
283
00:13:15,791 --> 00:13:17,125
It's not your fault.
284
00:13:17,208 --> 00:13:18,166
[Kate] Look at me.
285
00:13:18,750 --> 00:13:21,500
You are the moon. And the stars.
286
00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:24,708
And he is a dirty diaper.
287
00:13:24,791 --> 00:13:28,625
A tampon landfill monster.
288
00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:31,041
I just thought he was the one.
289
00:13:31,125 --> 00:13:32,625
You know, like the one, one.
290
00:13:32,708 --> 00:13:33,708
Fuck Dave.
291
00:13:34,333 --> 00:13:36,375
You don't need him or any guy.
292
00:13:37,291 --> 00:13:38,916
I want a family.
293
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,166
That's my dream.
294
00:13:40,250 --> 00:13:43,083
You will have that dream. Anyone can.
295
00:13:43,166 --> 00:13:44,625
Anyone except for me,
296
00:13:44,708 --> 00:13:51,000
because Dave wants to explore
new vagina holes and butt holes.
297
00:13:51,083 --> 00:13:52,583
What about my holes?
298
00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:55,000
My holes aren't good enough
to shit a baby out of?
299
00:13:55,083 --> 00:13:57,083
Okay, can you stop saying holes?
300
00:13:57,166 --> 00:14:00,375
Sorry, it's just
thinking about a baby's thick head
301
00:14:00,458 --> 00:14:02,416
coming out of my hole is just too much.
302
00:14:02,500 --> 00:14:04,583
I can't take that right now.
Oh, thank you.
303
00:14:05,416 --> 00:14:06,375
[Kate sighing]
304
00:14:07,833 --> 00:14:10,541
You're not drinking. You look like shit.
305
00:14:10,625 --> 00:14:13,625
You don't want to talk about holes.
Are you fucking pregnant?
306
00:14:17,708 --> 00:14:19,416
- No!
- No?
307
00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:21,375
No! Get rid of it!
308
00:14:21,458 --> 00:14:22,500
What?
309
00:14:22,583 --> 00:14:24,750
No, I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
310
00:14:24,833 --> 00:14:25,875
I'm sorry. God.
311
00:14:25,958 --> 00:14:29,125
I just…
I thought that I would have a baby first
312
00:14:29,208 --> 00:14:31,833
and you would wait too long and, you know,
313
00:14:31,916 --> 00:14:34,250
try and adopt
and that wouldn't really pan out
314
00:14:34,333 --> 00:14:37,458
and you would just get
some weird pet, like, off-brand,
315
00:14:37,541 --> 00:14:39,708
like a ferret or some shit. I don't know.
316
00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:41,708
[sobs] But I'm so happy for you.
317
00:14:41,791 --> 00:14:42,833
A baby?
318
00:14:42,916 --> 00:14:44,166
[chuckles]
319
00:14:45,458 --> 00:14:47,708
Lainy, I didn't want
to tell you right now.
320
00:14:47,791 --> 00:14:48,875
Please don't be mad.
321
00:14:48,958 --> 00:14:51,250
Stop! Why would I be mad at you?
322
00:14:51,333 --> 00:14:53,166
A baby. I'm so happy for you.
323
00:14:53,250 --> 00:14:54,500
Well, I mean…
324
00:14:55,375 --> 00:14:58,000
Yes, but you just demanded
I have an abortion.
325
00:14:58,083 --> 00:15:00,666
This is terrible timing.
I thought that you would be engaged
326
00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:02,958
and I'd be pregnant
and it'd be so nice, but I--
327
00:15:03,041 --> 00:15:04,833
No, it's fine. It is nice.
328
00:15:04,916 --> 00:15:06,166
It's amazing.
329
00:15:07,875 --> 00:15:09,375
You're having a baby.
330
00:15:10,125 --> 00:15:11,791
I know. It's so weird.
331
00:15:11,875 --> 00:15:13,166
So crazy.
332
00:15:13,250 --> 00:15:15,041
[both chuckling]
333
00:15:15,125 --> 00:15:17,375
Thank you for knowing
I was gonna need to eat.
334
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:18,666
Yeah, I knew.
335
00:15:18,750 --> 00:15:20,083
[instruments tuning]
336
00:15:21,166 --> 00:15:24,541
To just celebrating you
and not thinking about Dave.
337
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:28,291
[man] Hi, I'm Dave,
and we're the Threesomes.
338
00:15:28,375 --> 00:15:31,958
This is the first song
off our debut album, Threesome.
339
00:15:32,041 --> 00:15:33,500
It's called "Threesome."
340
00:15:33,583 --> 00:15:35,958
[jazz music playing]
341
00:15:43,041 --> 00:15:45,375
[Kate] Are you sure
you're all good to be here today?
342
00:15:45,458 --> 00:15:46,375
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
343
00:15:46,458 --> 00:15:48,458
I'm, uh, fine.
344
00:15:49,583 --> 00:15:52,083
Being at work
is the best thing for me right now.
345
00:15:52,166 --> 00:15:53,875
Why would you want a family anyway
346
00:15:53,958 --> 00:15:56,916
when you're working
with these bleeding hemorrhoids all day?
347
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:57,958
You heard me, Liam.
348
00:15:58,041 --> 00:15:59,791
You're the only teacher who can't swim.
349
00:15:59,875 --> 00:16:01,125
Lots of people can't swim.
350
00:16:01,208 --> 00:16:03,000
I'm gonna fuck his dad,
become his stepmom,
351
00:16:03,083 --> 00:16:04,208
and put him up for adoption.
352
00:16:04,291 --> 00:16:05,875
We're not supposed to threaten them.
353
00:16:05,958 --> 00:16:08,625
Lanes, this is me.
You got this, bitch. You're the GOAT.
354
00:16:08,708 --> 00:16:11,041
Don't talk like that in front of the baby.
355
00:16:11,125 --> 00:16:13,291
It's not even a baby yet,
it's just an embryo.
356
00:16:13,375 --> 00:16:15,833
It's not even an embryo,
it's just fermenting cum.
357
00:16:15,916 --> 00:16:17,916
It's just sitting in there like… [warbles]
358
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,250
Thank you so much for that visual today.
359
00:16:21,333 --> 00:16:24,208
Ha! Golden Girls, Golden Girls.
360
00:16:24,291 --> 00:16:27,166
Wow. How do you even know that show?
Aren't you too young?
361
00:16:27,250 --> 00:16:30,041
No, I looked up older lady references
so I could connect with you guys,
362
00:16:30,125 --> 00:16:31,708
my senior coworkers.
363
00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:33,833
Now, let me see the hand.
364
00:16:33,916 --> 00:16:36,208
I need to go live with this
to show my followers.
365
00:16:36,291 --> 00:16:38,625
- No, you don't need to see my hand.
- Let me see. Stop.
366
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,291
Okay.
367
00:16:42,375 --> 00:16:44,083
- Oh, no.
- No, it's good.
368
00:16:44,166 --> 00:16:45,750
{\an8}Looks like I got some bad intel.
369
00:16:45,833 --> 00:16:47,333
{\an8}No, it's actually really good.
370
00:16:47,416 --> 00:16:50,333
I decided I wasn't ready to settle down.
371
00:16:50,416 --> 00:16:52,166
Really? At your age, honey?
372
00:16:53,541 --> 00:16:55,791
Because aren't you in your, like… [gags]
373
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:57,916
…forties?
374
00:16:58,500 --> 00:17:00,833
- Yes, I am. Are you okay?
- [gags]
375
00:17:00,916 --> 00:17:03,416
- I'm so sorry.
- It's fine. Please.
376
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:04,625
- Okay.
- Okay.
377
00:17:05,750 --> 00:17:07,166
God, I hate her.
378
00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:08,291
She's the worst.
379
00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:09,625
[techno music playing]
380
00:17:09,708 --> 00:17:12,833
It's like, look at that.
She's a teacher of children.
381
00:17:14,708 --> 00:17:16,500
Are you allowed to smoke in here?
382
00:17:16,583 --> 00:17:17,750
Yeah, it's just pot.
383
00:17:21,125 --> 00:17:24,083
Can you believe
that tarantula's gonna be a mother?
384
00:17:24,166 --> 00:17:25,583
Shirley's pregnant?
385
00:17:25,666 --> 00:17:26,625
Yeah.
386
00:17:27,166 --> 00:17:29,375
Her and Kate
will be together all the time,
387
00:17:29,458 --> 00:17:31,833
which frees us up
to work on our friendship.
388
00:17:33,583 --> 00:17:37,250
[Shirley] One, two. One, two.
One, five, six, seven, eight.
389
00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:38,958
[somber music playing]
390
00:17:43,458 --> 00:17:44,500
[Lainy sighing]
391
00:17:46,083 --> 00:17:47,083
No, no, no.
392
00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:48,791
Oh, God. Would you talk to me?
393
00:17:49,458 --> 00:17:50,458
Please.
394
00:17:50,541 --> 00:17:52,291
- Hi!
- Would you just talk to me?
395
00:17:52,375 --> 00:17:55,041
Lainy. Oh, my God,
what are you doing here?
396
00:17:55,125 --> 00:17:58,291
- Oh, getting coffee. It's a coffee shop.
- You okay?
397
00:17:58,375 --> 00:18:00,000
- I'm good.
- Want to talk about it?
398
00:18:00,083 --> 00:18:00,916
- Nope.
- Chin up.
399
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,875
- Okay, please get off of me.
- My God, sad outfit.
400
00:18:02,958 --> 00:18:06,000
I'm just catching up with a good friend,
so I can't really talk.
401
00:18:06,625 --> 00:18:07,708
Who's this?
402
00:18:07,791 --> 00:18:08,708
Um…
403
00:18:09,625 --> 00:18:10,583
Latte.
404
00:18:10,666 --> 00:18:12,541
- His name's Latte?
- Yeah.
405
00:18:13,250 --> 00:18:17,708
Yeah. It's, you know,
just spelled like latte. [chuckling]
406
00:18:18,291 --> 00:18:19,208
Would you please?
407
00:18:19,291 --> 00:18:21,041
I did not know
you were such a little slut.
408
00:18:21,125 --> 00:18:23,541
- Okay. Please.
- I love this for you. So proud.
409
00:18:23,625 --> 00:18:24,750
[Lainy] Okay. Thank you.
410
00:18:24,833 --> 00:18:28,000
No, I don't… want to do this.
411
00:18:28,083 --> 00:18:29,208
Can I use your bathroom?
412
00:18:29,291 --> 00:18:30,875
- [man] Yeah. Right there.
- Oh, God.
413
00:18:30,958 --> 00:18:32,083
She stresses me out.
414
00:18:32,166 --> 00:18:34,250
Sorry, I work with her. She's the worst.
415
00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:37,916
She's always just,
like, talking to me, you know?
416
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,333
Kind of like, I guess,
what I'm doing to you right now.
417
00:18:41,416 --> 00:18:43,750
Well, you gotta
pay that stuff forward, right?
418
00:18:43,833 --> 00:18:45,291
[chuckles]
419
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:47,250
Wait a second.
420
00:18:47,833 --> 00:18:48,750
Old Navy?
421
00:18:48,833 --> 00:18:52,208
Oh my gosh. This is really amazing.
422
00:18:52,958 --> 00:18:54,208
Are you my mirror?
423
00:18:56,333 --> 00:18:59,583
- No, it's not good.
- We got to work on our mirror work.
424
00:18:59,666 --> 00:19:01,666
Look, I don't want to upset you,
425
00:19:01,750 --> 00:19:05,666
but Old Navy is in no way
affiliated with the Navy.
426
00:19:05,750 --> 00:19:07,875
- What?
- I know, I'm so sorry.
427
00:19:07,958 --> 00:19:09,666
- Oh, no.
- Somebody had to tell you.
428
00:19:09,750 --> 00:19:11,125
You're old enough to know now.
429
00:19:11,708 --> 00:19:15,125
I have to stop thanking
all their employees for their service.
430
00:19:15,208 --> 00:19:16,958
Yeah, and applying for veterans' benefits.
431
00:19:17,041 --> 00:19:17,916
[chuckles]
432
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:19,375
What is your name again?
433
00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:20,458
My name is Latte.
434
00:19:20,541 --> 00:19:23,583
- No, stop. What was your real name?
- My name is Josh.
435
00:19:23,666 --> 00:19:25,500
- Josh? [chuckling]
- Yeah.
436
00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:28,041
- Well…
- [clears throat]
437
00:19:29,791 --> 00:19:31,041
Black cold brew for Josh.
438
00:19:31,125 --> 00:19:33,166
- That's me.
- Cold brew in the winter?
439
00:19:33,250 --> 00:19:35,583
- And…
- You don't have to say it. I'm right here.
440
00:19:35,666 --> 00:19:37,541
- You don't--
- Kid's hot chocolate with…
441
00:19:37,625 --> 00:19:39,666
…a crazy-slash-ridiculous amount
of whipped cream.
442
00:19:39,750 --> 00:19:42,083
So much whipped cream that
it's pretty much a milkshake.
443
00:19:42,166 --> 00:19:43,291
For Sasha Fierce.
444
00:19:43,875 --> 00:19:45,916
- Wow.
- Thank you. Very thorough.
445
00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:48,625
You can give them any name you want.
446
00:19:48,708 --> 00:19:50,125
I'm trying to live out loud.
447
00:19:50,208 --> 00:19:52,541
- Well, that's deafening.
- Yeah.
448
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,041
- Yeah.
- [chill music playing]
449
00:19:54,125 --> 00:19:56,125
All right. I'm going this way, which…
450
00:19:56,208 --> 00:19:57,791
- I'm over here.
- All right.
451
00:19:57,875 --> 00:19:59,416
- Have a nice day.
- You too.
452
00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:01,250
See you when we're both swabbing the deck.
453
00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:02,958
What's that?
454
00:20:04,083 --> 00:20:07,625
I was going for another Old Navy… bit.
455
00:20:07,708 --> 00:20:10,125
Oh, yeah. Uh, anchors away. Land ho!
456
00:20:10,208 --> 00:20:11,458
What'd you call me?
457
00:20:12,083 --> 00:20:15,333
Oh! Sorry. Land sophisticated lady.
458
00:20:17,791 --> 00:20:18,750
Bye, Latte.
459
00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:19,916
Ms. Fierce.
460
00:20:27,625 --> 00:20:28,666
[music fades]
461
00:20:28,750 --> 00:20:31,500
Everything's so soft here.
462
00:20:31,583 --> 00:20:32,583
I know.
463
00:20:33,166 --> 00:20:35,791
Oh, God, these mannequins
are really freaking me out.
464
00:20:36,583 --> 00:20:38,500
That's what you're going to look like.
465
00:20:39,583 --> 00:20:41,375
I'm with child.
466
00:20:41,458 --> 00:20:43,000
- Sanpellegrino.
- Thank you.
467
00:20:43,083 --> 00:20:44,166
Thank you.
468
00:20:46,875 --> 00:20:48,916
Man, my boobs really hurt.
469
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,125
- Really?
- Yeah.
470
00:20:50,208 --> 00:20:52,375
And I can't stop puking.
471
00:20:52,458 --> 00:20:54,041
[groans]
472
00:20:54,125 --> 00:20:55,833
- Oh, that's cute.
- Gross.
473
00:20:56,916 --> 00:20:59,708
Does it look like
"picking up the boys from soccer"?
474
00:20:59,791 --> 00:21:01,458
- [Lainy sighing]
- [Kate chuckling]
475
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:07,000
You know, this store is just…
It's a little much, right?
476
00:21:07,083 --> 00:21:10,833
Yeah, no, it's like, it's awful.
We didn't have to do this.
477
00:21:10,916 --> 00:21:13,416
You dragged me in here.
I wanted to get a pedicure.
478
00:21:13,500 --> 00:21:14,625
No, no, no.
479
00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:17,125
I just want you to see
how supportive I am.
480
00:21:17,208 --> 00:21:20,375
And you are.
I always feel supported by you.
481
00:21:20,458 --> 00:21:22,916
If this is too hard, that's okay.
482
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,958
No, it's not tough for me.
483
00:21:25,041 --> 00:21:26,208
I've just…
484
00:21:26,291 --> 00:21:29,666
I've been feeling
a little lonely lately, but I, uh…
485
00:21:30,833 --> 00:21:33,833
You know, you probably
don't even remember what that's like.
486
00:21:33,916 --> 00:21:37,625
Uh, married people can feel very lonely.
487
00:21:37,708 --> 00:21:39,666
I have been really horny, though.
488
00:21:39,750 --> 00:21:43,041
- Really?
- I can't stop masturbating to weird stuff.
489
00:21:43,125 --> 00:21:43,958
[Lainy] Oh.
490
00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:46,750
- Like The Golden Bachelor.
- Yeah?
491
00:21:46,833 --> 00:21:49,208
Something about it.
Maybe because my dad left?
492
00:21:49,291 --> 00:21:53,708
Okay. You know,
we should have more, like, secrets.
493
00:21:54,458 --> 00:21:56,333
- [groans]
- What's wrong?
494
00:21:56,416 --> 00:21:58,791
- I'm gonna throw up my acai bowl.
- Oh.
495
00:21:59,541 --> 00:22:01,875
- You want me to hold your hair?
- No. I'm okay.
496
00:22:01,958 --> 00:22:02,875
[Kate retching]
497
00:22:07,666 --> 00:22:09,666
[mysterious music playing]
498
00:22:13,541 --> 00:22:15,541
[Lainy inhaling, exhaling]
499
00:22:29,208 --> 00:22:31,208
[wondrous music playing]
500
00:22:44,541 --> 00:22:48,666
Yeah. I'm 11 months, he won't come out.
501
00:22:48,750 --> 00:22:51,375
I'm gonna start charging him rent.
It's so hard.
502
00:22:51,458 --> 00:22:54,166
[woman] Miss, are you all right in there?
Do you need another size?
503
00:22:54,250 --> 00:22:55,916
No, I don't. Thank you.
504
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,875
Oh, sweetheart.
505
00:22:58,625 --> 00:23:02,541
I know. You're adjusting
to the changes your body is going through.
506
00:23:02,625 --> 00:23:05,416
Just remember, this is a gift.
507
00:23:05,500 --> 00:23:07,833
You and your husband must be so excited.
508
00:23:07,916 --> 00:23:10,375
Or your wife. Or your…
509
00:23:12,291 --> 00:23:14,583
DoorDash driver.
510
00:23:15,166 --> 00:23:16,041
Oh.
511
00:23:16,125 --> 00:23:18,791
Uh, can I have a moment?
Can we have a moment?
512
00:23:18,875 --> 00:23:21,916
Women are miracles. How far along are you?
513
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,833
Maybe, judging by
your facial bloating, five months?
514
00:23:24,916 --> 00:23:26,833
- I'll break your fucking neck.
- What was that?
515
00:23:26,916 --> 00:23:28,750
I've been a freaking wreck.
516
00:23:28,833 --> 00:23:32,208
Well, I would be too
if my ankles were that big.
517
00:23:32,291 --> 00:23:34,458
So how long have you been pregnant?
518
00:23:36,708 --> 00:23:37,666
Thanksgiving.
519
00:23:37,750 --> 00:23:40,375
Thanksgiving. It's my favorite parade.
520
00:23:40,458 --> 00:23:41,291
What?
521
00:23:41,375 --> 00:23:44,541
I'm gonna go and get you a burrito,
and then I'm gonna rub your feet.
522
00:23:44,625 --> 00:23:46,625
- You need to be pampered.
- Yes, I do.
523
00:23:46,708 --> 00:23:48,875
- Okay, stay right there.
- Yes. I will.
524
00:23:48,958 --> 00:23:49,958
Okay.
525
00:23:51,208 --> 00:23:52,291
[mouthing]
526
00:23:53,625 --> 00:23:54,625
[Kate] Lainy?
527
00:23:55,125 --> 00:23:55,958
[velcro tearing]
528
00:23:56,041 --> 00:23:57,958
[mysterious music playing]
529
00:24:00,291 --> 00:24:02,625
- Come on.
- Do I have anything on my face?
530
00:24:02,708 --> 00:24:05,291
No, you're great.
You know, everyone likes water.
531
00:24:05,375 --> 00:24:06,458
[music fades]
532
00:24:14,666 --> 00:24:15,583
[student coughing]
533
00:24:25,666 --> 00:24:27,250
[line ringing]
534
00:24:28,375 --> 00:24:29,666
[Dave] Hey, you've reached Dave.
535
00:24:29,750 --> 00:24:31,208
- [Moira] And Moira.
- [Andy] And Andy.
536
00:24:31,291 --> 00:24:32,916
[all] We're busy right now.
537
00:24:33,625 --> 00:24:34,583
[Dave] Leave a message.
538
00:24:34,666 --> 00:24:36,125
Get your finger out of there.
539
00:24:37,458 --> 00:24:39,000
[indistinct chatter]
540
00:24:39,083 --> 00:24:41,083
[contemplative music playing]
541
00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:46,333
Hi!
542
00:24:48,041 --> 00:24:49,791
- I heard you coming.
- How you doing?
543
00:24:49,875 --> 00:24:51,083
- Oh, my gosh.
- You good?
544
00:24:51,166 --> 00:24:52,375
Yeah. I'm good.
545
00:24:53,333 --> 00:24:55,375
I texted you last night. Did you get it?
546
00:24:55,458 --> 00:24:57,458
[somber acoustic music playing]
547
00:25:01,791 --> 00:25:05,916
Mmm! So great. You guys do a great job.
548
00:25:26,625 --> 00:25:27,625
[keyboard clacking]
549
00:25:37,708 --> 00:25:39,708
[music fades]
550
00:25:42,041 --> 00:25:43,750
[mysterious music playing]
551
00:25:51,916 --> 00:25:53,500
[uplifting music playing]
552
00:25:53,583 --> 00:25:54,458
[chuckles softly]
553
00:25:55,708 --> 00:25:57,166
Mazel, mazel, mazel.
554
00:25:57,250 --> 00:25:58,500
[Lainy chuckling] Thank you.
555
00:25:58,583 --> 00:25:59,916
Congratulations, Mama.
556
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:01,333
Oh, thanks.
557
00:26:05,958 --> 00:26:07,041
Looking good, Mama.
558
00:26:07,125 --> 00:26:08,208
Oh!
559
00:26:08,291 --> 00:26:09,375
Thanks.
560
00:26:10,416 --> 00:26:12,375
Bro, move, she's pregnant.
561
00:26:13,708 --> 00:26:14,916
[Lainy chuckling]
562
00:26:15,916 --> 00:26:18,416
[Lainy chuckling]
563
00:26:20,166 --> 00:26:21,166
Pregnant.
564
00:26:22,708 --> 00:26:27,333
[automated voice] The next stop
is Metropolitan Avenue/Lorimer Street.
565
00:26:27,416 --> 00:26:28,500
[intercom beeps]
566
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:33,958
[Lainy coughs]
567
00:26:35,333 --> 00:26:36,291
Oh, oh.
568
00:26:36,375 --> 00:26:37,375
Thanks, yeah.
569
00:26:41,541 --> 00:26:43,416
- You look so beautiful.
- Yeah.
570
00:26:44,375 --> 00:26:46,208
Oh, thank you.
571
00:26:46,791 --> 00:26:49,250
It's like your skin is glowing.
572
00:26:49,916 --> 00:26:50,916
Wow.
573
00:26:51,666 --> 00:26:53,875
It's probably because I'm pregnant.
[chuckling]
574
00:26:53,958 --> 00:26:54,833
[woman chuckling]
575
00:26:54,916 --> 00:26:56,875
Mom, I want to get pregnant.
576
00:26:56,958 --> 00:26:59,916
- I want to get pregnant tonight.
- What? No, no, you don't.
577
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,958
- Not when you're 15.
- You never let me do anything!
578
00:27:06,083 --> 00:27:07,083
[mouthing] Sorry.
579
00:27:07,666 --> 00:27:09,083
[mouthing] Fuck you.
580
00:27:12,291 --> 00:27:14,458
- [mysterious music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]
581
00:27:15,166 --> 00:27:16,541
Hey. Thanks.
582
00:27:20,208 --> 00:27:21,791
[women chattering indistinctly]
583
00:27:23,083 --> 00:27:25,083
[soft music playing]
584
00:27:30,916 --> 00:27:32,416
Everyone settle.
585
00:27:33,500 --> 00:27:35,125
Mamaste.
586
00:27:35,208 --> 00:27:36,416
[all] Mamaste.
587
00:27:36,500 --> 00:27:41,708
Let's all take a slow breath
into our space of motherhood.
588
00:27:41,791 --> 00:27:44,208
Inhale and pull up from the vagina.
589
00:27:44,291 --> 00:27:45,791
[instructor inhaling]
590
00:27:45,875 --> 00:27:49,625
And exhale through your butthole.
591
00:27:49,708 --> 00:27:51,666
[women farting]
592
00:27:53,500 --> 00:27:56,000
Up, up, up through the vagina.
593
00:27:56,083 --> 00:28:00,916
And out the anus butt.
594
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:03,375
[farting continues]
595
00:28:04,666 --> 00:28:06,708
Now open your eyes.
596
00:28:06,791 --> 00:28:08,125
Welcome.
597
00:28:08,208 --> 00:28:10,708
Before we begin, any new mamas here today?
598
00:28:10,791 --> 00:28:12,541
There's a new next to me.
599
00:28:12,625 --> 00:28:13,625
Mamaste.
600
00:28:13,708 --> 00:28:15,875
- Mamaste.
- [all] Mamaste.
601
00:28:15,958 --> 00:28:18,500
Mama some. Moccasin.
602
00:28:18,583 --> 00:28:20,541
How many weeks are you?
603
00:28:22,291 --> 00:28:23,916
We do the Mayan calendar,
604
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:27,458
so it's like Labor Day, leap year,
605
00:28:27,541 --> 00:28:28,625
Thanksgiving.
606
00:28:29,291 --> 00:28:32,166
Sorry, I'm in my space still,
but do your class.
607
00:28:32,250 --> 00:28:34,500
- [woman farts]
- Let's keep those in now.
608
00:28:35,500 --> 00:28:37,916
You are so very welcome here today.
609
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:42,041
Now let's all get into happy baby
or whatever pose feels right to you.
610
00:28:43,833 --> 00:28:45,166
[woman clearing throat]
611
00:28:45,250 --> 00:28:47,875
[women groaning, exhaling]
612
00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:57,833
[woman 2 moaning, exhaling]
613
00:29:05,791 --> 00:29:06,833
[softly] Okay…
614
00:29:10,916 --> 00:29:11,791
Hmm… Oh!
615
00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:12,708
[Lainy grunting]
616
00:29:12,791 --> 00:29:15,833
- [all gasping]
- Holy fuck! Oh, God.
617
00:29:15,916 --> 00:29:17,416
I'm okay. I'm fine.
618
00:29:17,500 --> 00:29:20,416
- Please don't touch me.
- I just want to make sure that the baby--
619
00:29:20,500 --> 00:29:22,541
Hey, hey, step away from her.
620
00:29:22,625 --> 00:29:24,583
If she wants help, she will ask.
621
00:29:25,625 --> 00:29:27,083
[grunts loudly]
622
00:29:34,083 --> 00:29:35,625
Hey, hey.
623
00:29:36,125 --> 00:29:39,500
Thank you so much
for standing up for me in there.
624
00:29:39,583 --> 00:29:41,208
Of course. Are you okay?
625
00:29:41,291 --> 00:29:42,708
Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Yeah.
626
00:29:42,791 --> 00:29:45,375
The energy in there
was just like a little nuts.
627
00:29:45,458 --> 00:29:48,208
- Right, yeah.
- Thought I would try the yoga thing…
628
00:29:48,291 --> 00:29:50,500
…but that was obviously not for me.
629
00:29:50,583 --> 00:29:53,916
It smelled like
a fucking queef salad in there.
630
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:55,375
Yeah, it did.
631
00:29:55,458 --> 00:29:57,125
Right? It's disgusting.
632
00:29:57,708 --> 00:29:59,333
- Yeah. I'm Megan.
- Lainy.
633
00:29:59,416 --> 00:30:03,333
Ugh, my hormones are out of control,
and my husband is driving me insane.
634
00:30:03,416 --> 00:30:04,875
I'm sure I don't have to tell you.
635
00:30:04,958 --> 00:30:09,416
Well, actually, I don't have a husband,
so you probably do have to tell me.
636
00:30:10,583 --> 00:30:12,291
Oh, because I…
637
00:30:13,291 --> 00:30:15,041
We're not together.
638
00:30:15,125 --> 00:30:17,958
I'm single, doing it alone.
639
00:30:18,041 --> 00:30:19,791
Bless you, that is so brave.
640
00:30:19,875 --> 00:30:21,541
- Thank you. Yeah.
- Yeah.
641
00:30:22,166 --> 00:30:24,375
How's it going?
How's your pregnancy going?
642
00:30:24,458 --> 00:30:25,541
Perfect…
643
00:30:27,333 --> 00:30:29,750
…ly sucky.
644
00:30:29,833 --> 00:30:30,958
- God, it sucks.
- Yeah.
645
00:30:31,041 --> 00:30:34,375
Right? I hope this little shit
appreciates everything I'm going through.
646
00:30:34,458 --> 00:30:35,458
- Well, it won't.
- Right.
647
00:30:35,541 --> 00:30:36,416
How are your nipples?
648
00:30:37,291 --> 00:30:38,125
Real big.
649
00:30:38,208 --> 00:30:40,458
No, no, no, I meant, are they dry?
650
00:30:41,250 --> 00:30:42,833
Because mine are like scones.
651
00:30:42,916 --> 00:30:45,916
So dry. I thought it was the only one.
652
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:47,666
No, I have the best nipple balm.
653
00:30:47,750 --> 00:30:49,083
[Lainy] Really? Wow.
654
00:30:49,166 --> 00:30:52,166
- You should get some of this.
- Oh my God. Yes. Thank you so much.
655
00:30:52,250 --> 00:30:53,416
God, I need it.
656
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:55,916
Ugh! [chuckles]
657
00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:57,333
Is that a normal amount or…
658
00:30:57,416 --> 00:30:59,791
[Megan] A little bit actually
does go a pretty long way…
659
00:30:59,875 --> 00:31:01,291
- …but that's okay.
- Thank God.
660
00:31:01,375 --> 00:31:03,916
Oh, little bit? Okay.
I'll put the rest of it back.
661
00:31:04,708 --> 00:31:06,333
Actually, why don't you keep it?
662
00:31:06,416 --> 00:31:08,166
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, totally.
663
00:31:08,250 --> 00:31:09,375
- That's so nice.
- Yeah.
664
00:31:09,458 --> 00:31:11,458
I wish I had something cool to give you.
665
00:31:11,541 --> 00:31:12,916
- You're so funny.
- Thank you.
666
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:14,833
Is it weird if I ask you to hang out?
667
00:31:14,916 --> 00:31:16,666
No, no, I would love to hang out.
668
00:31:16,750 --> 00:31:18,125
- Amazing.
- Yes.
669
00:31:18,208 --> 00:31:19,875
Oh, fancy seeing you here.
670
00:31:19,958 --> 00:31:23,666
- There's my guys.
- Oh my God. So cute.
671
00:31:23,750 --> 00:31:25,125
- Yeah.
- Hi.
672
00:31:25,208 --> 00:31:28,000
Cute little face
almost tore my asshole open.
673
00:31:28,083 --> 00:31:30,333
Why don't you come over
for dinner this week?
674
00:31:30,416 --> 00:31:31,833
- Hey!
- Put yourself in. Here.
675
00:31:31,916 --> 00:31:33,791
- Okay.
- And I'm Steve, by the way.
676
00:31:33,875 --> 00:31:35,333
- Hi.
- Sorry, my husband, Steve.
677
00:31:35,416 --> 00:31:36,416
Congratulations.
678
00:31:36,500 --> 00:31:37,791
On what?
679
00:31:38,541 --> 00:31:41,166
On being preg… pregnant?
680
00:31:41,875 --> 00:31:44,291
Oh, yeah, I am pregnant.
681
00:31:44,375 --> 00:31:46,541
- Oh… [chuckles]
- Sorry, I…
682
00:31:47,125 --> 00:31:50,416
Pregnant, loving it, but hating it.
Ugh! God.
683
00:31:51,541 --> 00:31:53,416
- Right?
- All right. Well, we'll see you later.
684
00:31:53,500 --> 00:31:54,791
Yeah. Nice to meet you.
685
00:31:54,875 --> 00:31:56,791
Nice to meet you. Bye, little cutie.
686
00:31:56,875 --> 00:31:58,541
[Megan] Why are you so early?
687
00:31:58,625 --> 00:31:59,583
[Steve] Was that early?
688
00:31:59,666 --> 00:32:01,333
What the fuck am I doing?
689
00:32:02,083 --> 00:32:02,916
[sighs]
690
00:32:05,041 --> 00:32:07,125
["RIDE" by Mia Rodriguez playing]
691
00:32:09,791 --> 00:32:11,750
Thanks for coming to this.
692
00:32:11,833 --> 00:32:13,583
Hey, I want to spend time with you.
693
00:32:13,666 --> 00:32:17,791
If that means I'm going to Shirley's
corny gender reveal party, so be it.
694
00:32:17,875 --> 00:32:19,875
[indistinct chatter, laughter]
695
00:32:19,958 --> 00:32:22,916
So, I was thinking about your baby shower,
696
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:26,541
and I think we should do, like,
a Real Housewives of New Jersey theme.
697
00:32:26,625 --> 00:32:30,583
- Like, big hair, long nails.
- Yeah?
698
00:32:30,666 --> 00:32:32,333
- Like, really go for it.
- Yeah.
699
00:32:32,416 --> 00:32:36,750
Well, um, it's just going to
have to be a joint baby shower.
700
00:32:37,458 --> 00:32:38,333
Joint with who?
701
00:32:38,416 --> 00:32:39,666
[Shirley squealing]
702
00:32:40,958 --> 00:32:44,458
Oh, my God, you're so pretty! Oh, oh…
703
00:32:44,541 --> 00:32:46,541
Sad. Your life.
704
00:32:46,625 --> 00:32:47,500
Okay.
705
00:32:47,583 --> 00:32:48,916
I'm so proud of you.
706
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:51,875
Wait, come outside.
We are about to do the reveal. Ah, ah!
707
00:32:51,958 --> 00:32:53,916
- So squishy. Okay, come on, guys.
- Okay.
708
00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:56,208
[Shirley] Piñata time! Let's go.
709
00:32:56,291 --> 00:32:58,791
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
710
00:32:58,875 --> 00:33:01,958
Gather round, mother fingerers,
I want to make a toast.
711
00:33:02,041 --> 00:33:05,750
Well, looks like
I got my baby girl pregnant.
712
00:33:05,833 --> 00:33:08,083
- Whoopsie daisy.
- [cheering]
713
00:33:08,166 --> 00:33:10,958
Turns out my scrote gravy's
more potent than I thought,
714
00:33:11,041 --> 00:33:13,541
shooting premium gasolina.
715
00:33:13,625 --> 00:33:16,458
This guy's the reason
there's so many lesbians now.
716
00:33:16,541 --> 00:33:18,875
All right, should we fuck up
this baby or what?
717
00:33:18,958 --> 00:33:21,625
- [all cheering]
- Hold on! I want to do a speech.
718
00:33:21,708 --> 00:33:22,833
It's my time, baby.
719
00:33:22,916 --> 00:33:24,333
- [man] Yeah, go ahead.
- I love you.
720
00:33:24,416 --> 00:33:25,708
- I love you.
- I love you.
721
00:33:25,791 --> 00:33:26,875
[crowd] Aw.
722
00:33:26,958 --> 00:33:29,208
- I'm going to go kill myself.
- No, no, no.
723
00:33:29,291 --> 00:33:32,458
So, we weren't sure if it should be
Rawn or me who whack the piñata
724
00:33:32,541 --> 00:33:34,125
to reveal our baby's gender.
725
00:33:34,208 --> 00:33:37,083
But we have finally decided that the honor
726
00:33:37,166 --> 00:33:40,250
should go to someone who's gone through
some really tough times lately.
727
00:33:40,333 --> 00:33:43,833
So, I thought this might lift
that 200-pound spirit off the ground.
728
00:33:43,916 --> 00:33:46,708
Lainy, get up here and whack this baby!
729
00:33:46,791 --> 00:33:48,125
[all cheering]
730
00:33:48,208 --> 00:33:49,583
- Lucky.
- Stop.
731
00:33:49,666 --> 00:33:52,041
Uh, yeah, I'd rather not.
732
00:33:52,125 --> 00:33:53,000
Boo!
733
00:33:54,916 --> 00:33:56,708
Go. Come on.
734
00:33:56,791 --> 00:33:58,791
Okay, got it. Thank you.
735
00:33:58,875 --> 00:34:00,916
- [man] Yeah, give it a whack!
- Okay.
736
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:02,375
[all cheering]
737
00:34:02,458 --> 00:34:05,541
Okay, I really don't understand
why I'm the one doing this.
738
00:34:05,625 --> 00:34:07,625
[upbeat music playing]
739
00:34:08,333 --> 00:34:09,625
Fuck the haters.
740
00:34:10,791 --> 00:34:12,666
- [groans]
- [all gasping]
741
00:34:13,250 --> 00:34:14,916
I'm okay. I'm okay.
742
00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:16,458
[all exclaiming]
743
00:34:16,541 --> 00:34:18,541
- Oh my God!
- [woman] She can't swim!
744
00:34:18,625 --> 00:34:20,416
- Shit.
- [man] She can't swim!
745
00:34:21,458 --> 00:34:22,583
[woman 2] Hang on!
746
00:34:23,416 --> 00:34:26,541
It's a girl! It's red inside!
747
00:34:26,625 --> 00:34:30,166
It's blood! That's your blood!
748
00:34:31,041 --> 00:34:32,500
Whoo!
749
00:34:32,583 --> 00:34:33,583
I'm gonna…
750
00:34:34,708 --> 00:34:36,666
- Oh, God.
- [Fallon] Fuck you, Lainy!
751
00:34:36,750 --> 00:34:38,750
[chill music playing]
752
00:34:50,500 --> 00:34:51,875
[woman] She can't swim!
753
00:34:53,250 --> 00:34:54,833
- Lainy, hi.
- Hi.
754
00:34:54,916 --> 00:34:56,833
- Come in.
- Thank you. Thank you.
755
00:34:56,916 --> 00:34:59,250
- Oh my God. It's so nice.
- Oh, thank you.
756
00:34:59,333 --> 00:35:03,125
Yeah. I brought you a book.
I think you'll dig her.
757
00:35:03,708 --> 00:35:05,500
Why are you so sweet?
758
00:35:05,583 --> 00:35:07,041
I'm just a really great person.
759
00:35:07,125 --> 00:35:08,375
Should I take my shoes off or…
760
00:35:08,458 --> 00:35:11,541
Uh, yeah, I mean only if you don't mind
stepping on food.
761
00:35:11,625 --> 00:35:14,291
Our place is so dirty,
it should just be condemned.
762
00:35:15,541 --> 00:35:16,708
[growling]
763
00:35:16,791 --> 00:35:19,375
Hey, he's got the knives again, Steve!
764
00:35:19,458 --> 00:35:20,291
I'm on it!
765
00:35:24,333 --> 00:35:25,375
Sorry.
766
00:35:26,541 --> 00:35:27,750
[Steve] Connor!
767
00:35:29,625 --> 00:35:31,708
Connor, come here, buddy!
768
00:35:32,500 --> 00:35:33,333
[Lainy shushing]
769
00:35:34,333 --> 00:35:36,041
[Steve] Connor!
770
00:35:36,125 --> 00:35:37,875
- Oh, you!
- Hi!
771
00:35:37,958 --> 00:35:38,833
He went that way.
772
00:35:38,916 --> 00:35:39,875
- Okay.
- Yeah.
773
00:35:41,583 --> 00:35:42,916
[exhales]
774
00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:45,291
[Megan] I've had such a day.
775
00:35:45,375 --> 00:35:48,291
And this gives me such bad heartburn,
but I don't even care.
776
00:35:48,375 --> 00:35:50,083
- Thank you.
- Of course.
777
00:35:50,958 --> 00:35:55,875
To treating pregnant women like people
and believing in science.
778
00:35:56,666 --> 00:35:57,666
Hear, hear!
779
00:35:57,750 --> 00:35:59,583
- Cheers.
- Cheers, thank you.
780
00:35:59,666 --> 00:36:02,375
Daddy saves the day. No harm done.
781
00:36:02,458 --> 00:36:03,291
Amazing.
782
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:06,916
Oh, and I hope you don't mind,
but I invited my brother to dinner.
783
00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:08,500
He just moved into our garage.
784
00:36:08,583 --> 00:36:10,291
You make him sound like a loser.
785
00:36:10,375 --> 00:36:11,916
Well, just temporarily.
786
00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:13,833
Broke up with this horse twat.
787
00:36:13,916 --> 00:36:17,166
Ever since then, he's just, like,
been walking around in sweats.
788
00:36:17,791 --> 00:36:19,000
Pathetic.
789
00:36:19,083 --> 00:36:19,916
Mmm.
790
00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:21,333
You don't drink, Steve?
791
00:36:21,958 --> 00:36:24,458
No. I am in the program.
792
00:36:24,541 --> 00:36:27,083
Yeah, child of an alcoholic right here…
793
00:36:27,166 --> 00:36:28,833
- …so I get it.
- [Steve] Oh, no, no.
794
00:36:28,916 --> 00:36:33,166
I'm just a pretty big follower
of Jada's Red Table Talk.
795
00:36:33,250 --> 00:36:34,125
Mmm.
796
00:36:34,208 --> 00:36:37,250
And she thinks
it's harmful for men to drink.
797
00:36:37,333 --> 00:36:40,000
- Great.
- Plus, I'm a really angry drunk.
798
00:36:40,083 --> 00:36:41,000
Like, terrible.
799
00:36:41,083 --> 00:36:43,375
- Steve.
- I don't remember, but it happens.
800
00:36:43,458 --> 00:36:44,333
I do.
801
00:36:44,416 --> 00:36:45,458
[cell phone chimes]
802
00:36:45,541 --> 00:36:48,583
Oh. Speak of the queen.
New episode, just dropped.
803
00:36:48,666 --> 00:36:51,041
- [Megan] Perfect timing.
- See y'all later.
804
00:36:51,125 --> 00:36:52,916
[door opens, closes]
805
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:55,333
The deadbeat crashing
in your garage is here.
806
00:36:55,416 --> 00:36:56,250
[Megan] Hi.
807
00:36:56,958 --> 00:36:58,458
Oh, my God, Latte.
808
00:36:58,541 --> 00:36:59,458
What?
809
00:36:59,541 --> 00:37:00,416
Lainy.
810
00:37:01,416 --> 00:37:02,666
Wow.
811
00:37:02,750 --> 00:37:04,208
You guys know each other?
812
00:37:04,291 --> 00:37:07,166
- Yeah, we do. We met a few weeks ago…
- Yeah.
813
00:37:07,250 --> 00:37:08,958
But you didn't seem like you were…
814
00:37:10,750 --> 00:37:12,000
Rockin' a baby?
815
00:37:12,083 --> 00:37:13,250
Yeah, exactly.
816
00:37:13,875 --> 00:37:17,333
Old Navy clothes.
You can hide anything in there, right?
817
00:37:17,416 --> 00:37:18,833
- Wow.
- [Lainy chuckling]
818
00:37:18,916 --> 00:37:21,833
- This is nuts.
- Where did you two meet?
819
00:37:21,916 --> 00:37:24,750
A coffee shop.
I feel like I was just buying coffee,
820
00:37:24,833 --> 00:37:28,000
and then he just came up to me
and started talking my ear off.
821
00:37:28,083 --> 00:37:30,250
And usually I wouldn't talk to a stranger,
822
00:37:30,333 --> 00:37:32,333
but it seemed like
he really needed someone.
823
00:37:32,416 --> 00:37:35,541
Yeah, and Lainy got
some kind of pudding milkshake?
824
00:37:35,625 --> 00:37:37,916
Huh. Was it a pudding milk… It was…
825
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:41,250
I remember there being
a lot more nutrition in it than that, but…
826
00:37:41,333 --> 00:37:43,625
- Should've gotten a double. Yeah.
- [chuckles] I did.
827
00:37:43,708 --> 00:37:45,583
- Oh, you did? Okay.
- I actually did.
828
00:37:45,666 --> 00:37:46,958
[both chuckle]
829
00:37:47,041 --> 00:37:49,583
So, is your husband here?
830
00:37:50,166 --> 00:37:52,333
I don't have a husband.
831
00:37:52,416 --> 00:37:54,416
Wow. Josh. That's very subtle.
832
00:37:54,500 --> 00:37:56,333
What? I can, you know, ask anything.
833
00:37:56,416 --> 00:37:58,666
It's not like I'm saying,
"Hey, are you single?"
834
00:37:58,750 --> 00:38:00,041
I mean, you're single, though?
835
00:38:00,125 --> 00:38:01,000
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
836
00:38:01,083 --> 00:38:04,083
This is just from, like,
a one-night thing, so…
837
00:38:04,166 --> 00:38:06,166
- Okay. I mean, great.
- Yeah.
838
00:38:06,250 --> 00:38:07,333
On Thanksgiving.
839
00:38:07,916 --> 00:38:08,750
Really?
840
00:38:08,833 --> 00:38:09,833
Wow.
841
00:38:09,916 --> 00:38:12,416
- Yeah.
- People usually stay home on Thanksgiving.
842
00:38:12,500 --> 00:38:13,333
What a rebel.
843
00:38:13,416 --> 00:38:15,791
Yeah. Not me. I get right out there.
844
00:38:15,875 --> 00:38:20,625
I get those sweet Black Friday-eve deals.
845
00:38:21,458 --> 00:38:23,916
You got pregnant at a Black Friday sale?
846
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:29,500
Yep. Nothing gets me riled up
like a coupon for a Vitamix.
847
00:38:31,291 --> 00:38:32,500
Yeah.
848
00:38:32,583 --> 00:38:36,583
- Anybody want tea? I could go for some.
- Sure.
849
00:38:36,666 --> 00:38:39,208
- Can we make tea?
- No, please. Yeah. Here, I got some.
850
00:38:39,291 --> 00:38:41,375
- I'll have some black tea.
- Oh.
851
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,041
Black tea. Cool guy.
852
00:38:44,125 --> 00:38:46,750
That's me. You know,
throw some honey in my shit.
853
00:38:46,833 --> 00:38:48,791
Did I tell you I'm a tea-cher?
854
00:38:48,875 --> 00:38:50,375
You did not tell me that.
855
00:38:50,958 --> 00:38:51,791
What do you do?
856
00:38:51,875 --> 00:38:55,875
I am the Chief Zamboni Officer
at Wollman Rink.
857
00:38:55,958 --> 00:38:58,083
- Wow. Cool.
- Fire.
858
00:38:58,166 --> 00:39:00,458
Yeah, fire. Or whatever my students say.
859
00:39:00,541 --> 00:39:03,625
- No, no, no. You're on fire!
- Oh my God! I'm on fire!
860
00:39:04,291 --> 00:39:05,500
- Where's my phone?
- Lainy!
861
00:39:06,291 --> 00:39:07,666
[Steve] Oh, my God! The baby!
862
00:39:08,375 --> 00:39:09,750
She knows about the baby!
863
00:39:09,833 --> 00:39:12,208
- Fuck this.
- No! Steve!
864
00:39:12,291 --> 00:39:14,708
Ten years! Are you kidding me?
865
00:39:14,791 --> 00:39:16,916
- Goddammit!
- [roars]
866
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:21,208
["Gasoline Dreams" by OutKast
with Khujo Goodie playing]
867
00:39:21,291 --> 00:39:23,333
♪ Don't everybody like
The taste of apple pie? ♪
868
00:39:23,416 --> 00:39:26,166
♪ We'll snap for yo' slice of life
I'm tellin' ya why… ♪
869
00:39:26,250 --> 00:39:27,291
[knock on door]
870
00:39:27,375 --> 00:39:30,291
[Megan] Lainy, are you okay in there?
Can I help?
871
00:39:30,916 --> 00:39:31,916
Um…
872
00:39:32,666 --> 00:39:34,416
No, no, no. I'm all good.
873
00:39:34,500 --> 00:39:37,375
It's just a tiny burn.
It's very little. Don't worry about me.
874
00:39:37,458 --> 00:39:38,666
I'm a teacher.
875
00:39:38,750 --> 00:39:41,500
We deal
with this sort of thing all the time.
876
00:39:42,083 --> 00:39:44,291
- Kids light themselves on fire?
- [song fades]
877
00:39:44,375 --> 00:39:47,875
[hesitates] I'm fine. Okay?
Don't even think about it.
878
00:39:47,958 --> 00:39:50,708
Okay, I'm coming in,
but no touching without permission.
879
00:39:50,791 --> 00:39:52,500
- I promise.
- No, no, no. Hold on.
880
00:39:52,583 --> 00:39:54,375
Give me just one second.
881
00:39:54,458 --> 00:39:56,375
- You watch him.
- Yeah.
882
00:39:56,458 --> 00:39:57,791
[Megan sighing]
883
00:39:58,791 --> 00:39:59,750
[door closing]
884
00:40:00,708 --> 00:40:02,041
Borrowed your robe.
885
00:40:02,833 --> 00:40:04,166
You borrowed Steve's robe.
886
00:40:09,791 --> 00:40:13,666
I'm okay, by the way.
Like, I'm cool to go back out.
887
00:40:13,750 --> 00:40:14,583
No, no, please.
888
00:40:14,666 --> 00:40:17,083
Can we just stay here
for like five more minutes?
889
00:40:17,166 --> 00:40:18,000
Yeah.
890
00:40:18,625 --> 00:40:19,750
Yeah.
891
00:40:19,833 --> 00:40:21,291
[exhales]
892
00:40:23,166 --> 00:40:25,041
It's just all so isolating.
893
00:40:26,416 --> 00:40:27,666
Yeah.
894
00:40:27,750 --> 00:40:29,416
And you haven't even had one yet.
895
00:40:30,208 --> 00:40:31,208
Right.
896
00:40:32,666 --> 00:40:33,916
They don't tell you.
897
00:40:35,333 --> 00:40:38,000
Women don't share what it's like,
what really happens.
898
00:40:39,041 --> 00:40:41,208
- With pregnancy?
- [Megan] With birth.
899
00:40:41,291 --> 00:40:43,416
Think about it.
How many birth stories do you know?
900
00:40:44,208 --> 00:40:45,291
[Lainy smacking lips]
901
00:40:46,166 --> 00:40:47,708
- None.
- Exactly.
902
00:40:47,791 --> 00:40:50,458
I mean, some will talk about
how many hours they labored for,
903
00:40:50,541 --> 00:40:52,625
but that's it.
904
00:40:53,791 --> 00:40:54,750
Why is that?
905
00:40:54,833 --> 00:40:57,416
Because you go through
this whole thing, this whole trauma,
906
00:40:57,500 --> 00:40:59,833
and then just, bam,
right away, you're a mom.
907
00:40:59,916 --> 00:41:03,291
No time to process what's just happened
or what's about to happen.
908
00:41:03,375 --> 00:41:04,291
Right.
909
00:41:06,666 --> 00:41:08,625
Did you have trauma with Connor?
910
00:41:09,250 --> 00:41:12,041
It was actually after he came out.
911
00:41:12,125 --> 00:41:13,666
Everything went awry.
912
00:41:13,750 --> 00:41:15,833
I started bleeding out a lot, and…
913
00:41:16,791 --> 00:41:18,041
Um…
914
00:41:18,125 --> 00:41:21,791
He was on my chest,
so I was actually in heaven.
915
00:41:21,875 --> 00:41:23,000
I was so fine.
916
00:41:23,625 --> 00:41:27,041
But what was happening wasn't okay.
I was just losing a lot of blood.
917
00:41:27,125 --> 00:41:29,833
And it was the first time
I saw Steve scared.
918
00:41:30,625 --> 00:41:33,000
Did you think
you were going to, like, die?
919
00:41:34,291 --> 00:41:35,208
Maybe.
920
00:41:41,541 --> 00:41:42,833
God.
921
00:41:43,541 --> 00:41:44,958
Did I just scare you?
922
00:41:47,041 --> 00:41:48,208
No.
923
00:41:48,291 --> 00:41:49,583
Can't wait. [chuckling]
924
00:41:52,791 --> 00:41:55,708
Did your mom talk to you about your birth?
925
00:41:57,916 --> 00:42:00,458
My mom died when I was like six, so…
926
00:42:00,541 --> 00:42:01,916
I'm sorry, Lainy.
927
00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:03,208
It's okay.
928
00:42:03,875 --> 00:42:06,541
God, it's so nice to talk
to someone real. [chuckling]
929
00:42:10,791 --> 00:42:13,458
Meg, I have to tell you something.
930
00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:17,458
I get it. We want to be pregnant so badly,
931
00:42:17,541 --> 00:42:19,791
and then we finally are,
and it's out of our control.
932
00:42:19,875 --> 00:42:20,833
It's scary.
933
00:42:20,916 --> 00:42:23,958
My postpartum was so bad with Connor,
I didn't think I'd make it.
934
00:42:25,333 --> 00:42:27,958
It's not that. I, um--
935
00:42:28,041 --> 00:42:31,875
But to see you doing it,
and how brave you are…
936
00:42:33,250 --> 00:42:34,583
you give me strength.
937
00:42:35,916 --> 00:42:36,750
[knock on door]
938
00:42:36,833 --> 00:42:40,333
[Josh] Can you smell that?
It's like burnt plastic or something.
939
00:42:40,416 --> 00:42:41,541
No.
940
00:42:42,416 --> 00:42:44,625
So I gave him my number. Maybe he calls.
941
00:42:44,708 --> 00:42:48,000
I have no idea
what I'm even hoping for at this point.
942
00:42:50,250 --> 00:42:51,250
You know what I'm hoping?
943
00:42:51,333 --> 00:42:53,583
I'm hoping that you get
the psychological help
944
00:42:53,666 --> 00:42:55,208
that you so desperately need.
945
00:42:55,291 --> 00:42:57,958
Because you need help.
You need not a little help.
946
00:42:58,041 --> 00:43:00,083
You need a paramedic.
947
00:43:00,166 --> 00:43:02,916
You need an ICU nurse. You need a doctor.
948
00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:04,250
You need a psychologist.
949
00:43:04,333 --> 00:43:07,000
You need a dentist
and a proctologist to work together
950
00:43:07,083 --> 00:43:08,750
and meet each other in the middle
951
00:43:08,833 --> 00:43:11,625
near your foam belly
and sort all of that shit out
952
00:43:11,708 --> 00:43:13,541
and, boom, pull it out!
953
00:43:13,625 --> 00:43:17,041
How dare you walk around
with that fake fucking belly!
954
00:43:17,125 --> 00:43:18,791
Can you keep it down?
955
00:43:18,875 --> 00:43:21,458
{\an8}I could. But I won't.
956
00:43:21,541 --> 00:43:24,041
You don't just wake up one morning
957
00:43:24,125 --> 00:43:27,500
and strap it on and now all of a sudden
you're all fabulous and pregnant.
958
00:43:27,583 --> 00:43:28,875
That's not how it works.
959
00:43:28,958 --> 00:43:32,375
Honestly, what's going to happen
if someone you know catches you with this?
960
00:43:33,708 --> 00:43:36,041
[moaning] What am I going to do?
961
00:43:36,125 --> 00:43:37,791
You'll have a little miscarriage.
962
00:43:37,875 --> 00:43:40,458
Oh my God. Little Susan.
963
00:43:40,541 --> 00:43:44,125
You had all of the names in the world
964
00:43:44,208 --> 00:43:46,500
and that's what you landed on
for your fake baby?
965
00:43:46,583 --> 00:43:47,875
Why am I listening to you?
966
00:43:47,958 --> 00:43:50,583
You have three
active restraining orders against you.
967
00:43:50,666 --> 00:43:54,041
Which says to me
there are three people out there
968
00:43:54,125 --> 00:43:58,416
who sees my passion,
who knows that I'm a go-getter.
969
00:43:58,500 --> 00:43:59,500
Not you.
970
00:43:59,583 --> 00:44:02,291
"I gave my number to someone,
I hope they call."
971
00:44:02,375 --> 00:44:03,416
Do I do that?
972
00:44:03,500 --> 00:44:05,458
Fuck no! I show up at their work.
973
00:44:05,541 --> 00:44:08,208
I show up at their house.
I show up at their mother's house.
974
00:44:08,291 --> 00:44:10,625
I'm fucking everywhere. And that is why--
975
00:44:10,708 --> 00:44:13,666
Okay, well thank you so much
for this very helpful feedback.
976
00:44:13,750 --> 00:44:14,916
You're welcome.
977
00:44:16,250 --> 00:44:17,833
Logan, get in here.
978
00:44:20,458 --> 00:44:21,791
Results are back.
979
00:44:23,041 --> 00:44:24,333
As predicted,
980
00:44:24,416 --> 00:44:25,583
you're stupid.
981
00:44:25,666 --> 00:44:27,750
[Kate sighs] Thanks for shopping with me.
982
00:44:27,833 --> 00:44:30,000
Mark does not give one shit
about this baby.
983
00:44:30,083 --> 00:44:31,000
[Lainy] He does.
984
00:44:31,083 --> 00:44:33,083
No, I don't even think
he knows the due date.
985
00:44:33,166 --> 00:44:34,750
I'm sure he knows the due date.
986
00:44:34,833 --> 00:44:36,333
Mark, what's the due date?
987
00:44:36,958 --> 00:44:38,166
I'm not hungry, babe.
988
00:44:38,250 --> 00:44:39,583
- Exactly.
- He's probably--
989
00:44:39,666 --> 00:44:41,875
Exactly.
Let's check out the baby monitors.
990
00:44:42,666 --> 00:44:44,666
Why is all this shit in black and white?
991
00:44:44,750 --> 00:44:47,666
I don't want the nursery
to look like Tim Burton decorated it.
992
00:44:47,750 --> 00:44:50,916
Well, babies can only see black and white
in the first couple months.
993
00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:52,208
- Really?
- You didn't know that?
994
00:44:52,291 --> 00:44:53,291
Where did you hear that?
995
00:44:53,375 --> 00:44:54,875
Precious Little Strangers.
996
00:44:54,958 --> 00:44:57,125
Precious Little… What is that? What?
997
00:44:57,208 --> 00:44:58,666
It's an Instagram account.
998
00:44:58,750 --> 00:45:01,041
You should be following it.
I'm surprised you're not.
999
00:45:01,125 --> 00:45:02,875
Like every pregnant woman follows it.
1000
00:45:03,500 --> 00:45:05,791
Okay, not every pregnant woman.
1001
00:45:05,875 --> 00:45:08,708
Are you okay?
You, like, don't seem excited.
1002
00:45:08,791 --> 00:45:11,791
Well, why are you reading
all this pregnancy stuff anyway?
1003
00:45:11,875 --> 00:45:14,833
Because I'm… I want you to see how…
1004
00:45:15,458 --> 00:45:17,583
Like, so I know what you're going through.
1005
00:45:19,125 --> 00:45:21,291
- Well, that's nice.
- Yeah.
1006
00:45:21,375 --> 00:45:22,541
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
1007
00:45:22,625 --> 00:45:24,250
It's probably just my hormones.
1008
00:45:24,333 --> 00:45:25,291
- [Connor] Hi.
- [gasps]
1009
00:45:25,375 --> 00:45:26,916
No baby?
1010
00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:30,333
Way to pour salt on the wound, kid.
He doesn't know what he's saying.
1011
00:45:30,416 --> 00:45:31,583
Why no baby?
1012
00:45:31,666 --> 00:45:35,125
Not everyone has a baby.
Okay, kid, move along, please.
1013
00:45:35,208 --> 00:45:37,375
Me hurt baby? [exclaiming]
1014
00:45:37,458 --> 00:45:39,791
[gasps] What a little psycho.
1015
00:45:39,875 --> 00:45:41,416
- Yeah, okay. Let's go.
- [Megan] Connor!
1016
00:45:41,500 --> 00:45:42,708
No, that sounds like his mom.
1017
00:45:42,791 --> 00:45:44,875
- We should--
- No. He needs to find his own way.
1018
00:45:44,958 --> 00:45:48,000
- It's the only chance he'll learn.
- Stop! We've got to find his parents.
1019
00:45:50,125 --> 00:45:52,333
- Are you hiding?
- I'm relaxing.
1020
00:45:52,416 --> 00:45:54,125
What are you hiding from?
1021
00:45:55,250 --> 00:45:57,458
[Megan] Where did you go?
Connor, come back here!
1022
00:45:57,541 --> 00:45:59,083
[tense, upbeat music playing]
1023
00:45:59,166 --> 00:46:01,458
[Megan] Connor? Come back here, please!
1024
00:46:04,625 --> 00:46:05,708
Balls.
1025
00:46:06,583 --> 00:46:07,916
- [Megan] Connor!
- [gasps]
1026
00:46:09,500 --> 00:46:11,291
[toys squeaking]
1027
00:46:13,291 --> 00:46:14,833
Oh, there you are.
1028
00:46:14,916 --> 00:46:18,750
Don't run away like that again, okay?
Ever, ever, ever. Come here.
1029
00:46:20,041 --> 00:46:20,875
Lainy!
1030
00:46:27,833 --> 00:46:29,166
Hey.
1031
00:46:29,250 --> 00:46:30,958
Steve, what the hell?
1032
00:46:31,041 --> 00:46:34,333
It's called an empathy bump, all right?
1033
00:46:34,416 --> 00:46:36,416
So that I can feel your pain.
1034
00:46:37,125 --> 00:46:40,208
And, babe, I've got to say,
really not that bad.
1035
00:46:40,291 --> 00:46:42,166
- Get the Mazda.
- Yeah.
1036
00:46:43,583 --> 00:46:44,791
Let's go.
1037
00:46:45,916 --> 00:46:46,833
Where's Lainy?
1038
00:46:46,916 --> 00:46:49,333
I don't know. She just disappeared.
1039
00:46:49,916 --> 00:46:51,916
I'm really worried about her, you know?
1040
00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:54,333
No. You need to worry
about yourself, okay?
1041
00:46:54,416 --> 00:46:56,625
Lainy is a self-sabotager.
1042
00:46:57,250 --> 00:46:58,333
Ugh.
1043
00:46:58,416 --> 00:47:00,541
I can tell you just learned that phrase.
1044
00:47:01,375 --> 00:47:04,416
No… What gave it away?
1045
00:47:05,708 --> 00:47:06,625
[toy squeaks]
1046
00:47:09,041 --> 00:47:10,500
[breathing deeply]
1047
00:47:10,583 --> 00:47:12,583
[cell phone vibrating]
1048
00:47:15,125 --> 00:47:17,250
- Hello?
- [Josh] Hey, Lainy, it's Josh.
1049
00:47:17,333 --> 00:47:19,583
I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.
1050
00:47:19,666 --> 00:47:26,208
No, no. I was just, um,
reading to, uh, sick animals.
1051
00:47:26,875 --> 00:47:28,875
Oh. That's nice.
1052
00:47:28,958 --> 00:47:32,000
Look, I just wanted to see if you
wanted to come by the rink this week.
1053
00:47:33,875 --> 00:47:36,083
Oh, gosh, let me check my schedule.
1054
00:47:36,166 --> 00:47:39,583
I'm so busy. Oh!
Looks like I'm free. I'll be there.
1055
00:47:39,666 --> 00:47:41,833
Okay, well, how about tomorrow?
1056
00:47:41,916 --> 00:47:43,000
That'd be great.
1057
00:47:43,083 --> 00:47:45,791
Okay, awesome.
I guess I'll see you tomorrow.
1058
00:47:45,875 --> 00:47:47,125
See you there.
1059
00:47:48,333 --> 00:47:49,791
[inhaling deeply]
1060
00:47:49,875 --> 00:47:52,083
Things are looking up.
1061
00:47:53,500 --> 00:47:54,458
[toys squeaking]
1062
00:47:59,041 --> 00:48:00,541
[toys squeaking]
1063
00:48:01,875 --> 00:48:04,208
["Handsome" by Winnetka Bowling League
playing]
1064
00:48:05,583 --> 00:48:09,000
God, this feels so good.
I haven't done this since I was a teen.
1065
00:48:09,083 --> 00:48:10,291
It never gets old.
1066
00:48:10,875 --> 00:48:12,750
It's the best job in the world.
1067
00:48:13,541 --> 00:48:14,750
[inaudible]
1068
00:48:14,833 --> 00:48:15,708
[horn honking]
1069
00:48:15,791 --> 00:48:18,583
♪ She don't trust weathermen
Holidays, born-agains ♪
1070
00:48:18,666 --> 00:48:20,500
♪ Anything that models peace ♪
1071
00:48:20,583 --> 00:48:23,666
I just loved books.
I know it's corny, but, like,
1072
00:48:23,750 --> 00:48:26,291
they changed my life. And poetry.
1073
00:48:26,375 --> 00:48:28,916
- Who's your favorite?
- Anne Sexton.
1074
00:48:29,000 --> 00:48:31,291
[inaudible]
1075
00:48:31,375 --> 00:48:32,625
[Lainy] Ever hear of her?
1076
00:48:32,708 --> 00:48:35,250
Who hasn't heard of Anne Sexton? You know?
1077
00:48:35,333 --> 00:48:36,208
You?
1078
00:48:36,291 --> 00:48:38,750
Yes, me is one of those people.
1079
00:48:38,833 --> 00:48:41,166
Am I better on the ice
than you thought I was gonna be?
1080
00:48:42,166 --> 00:48:43,083
Fuck!
1081
00:48:44,333 --> 00:48:45,625
- You okay?
- Yeah.
1082
00:48:45,708 --> 00:48:47,083
- What if you just kinda like…
- Oh!
1083
00:48:47,166 --> 00:48:48,416
[men exclaiming]
1084
00:48:48,500 --> 00:48:51,416
- [gasps]
- All right, team…
1085
00:48:51,500 --> 00:48:53,333
- Sorry, I'm a little…
- Nice job!
1086
00:48:53,416 --> 00:48:55,291
♪ Take her out dancing ♪
1087
00:48:55,375 --> 00:48:59,250
♪ Mister, you're missing it still ♪
1088
00:48:59,333 --> 00:49:00,416
Oh my God!
1089
00:49:02,541 --> 00:49:04,541
You know how to do anything cool, though?
1090
00:49:04,625 --> 00:49:08,333
["Slow Motion" by Juvenile
featuring Soulja Slim playing]
1091
00:49:08,416 --> 00:49:09,583
♪ I don't know how to act ♪
1092
00:49:09,666 --> 00:49:12,583
♪ Slow motion for me, slow motion for me ♪
1093
00:49:12,666 --> 00:49:15,333
♪ Slow motion for me
Move in slow motion for me ♪
1094
00:49:15,833 --> 00:49:17,083
[song fades]
1095
00:49:18,083 --> 00:49:20,583
How'd you know you were ready to be a mom?
1096
00:49:21,166 --> 00:49:22,833
[contemplative music playing]
1097
00:49:22,916 --> 00:49:24,000
[Lainy] Oh…
1098
00:49:25,208 --> 00:49:26,208
I mean…
1099
00:49:26,958 --> 00:49:28,166
Everyone wants that.
1100
00:49:28,916 --> 00:49:29,916
You wanna…
1101
00:49:31,333 --> 00:49:32,750
get married and have a baby.
1102
00:49:33,375 --> 00:49:34,708
Why shouldn't I want that?
1103
00:49:35,291 --> 00:49:36,375
No, I mean, I know…
1104
00:49:36,458 --> 00:49:39,291
I knew I wanted kids
at a weirdly young age.
1105
00:49:39,375 --> 00:49:40,791
That's amazing. I…
1106
00:49:42,375 --> 00:49:44,625
You're so lucky you have your sister.
1107
00:49:44,708 --> 00:49:46,916
- I don't have siblings.
- Yeah.
1108
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:49,958
I, you know, I don't have family,
so I don't wanna be alone.
1109
00:49:50,041 --> 00:49:52,791
I've always known I want a family.
1110
00:49:54,208 --> 00:49:57,333
I'm just getting a little worried that
that's not in the cards for me.
1111
00:49:58,500 --> 00:49:59,333
What?
1112
00:50:00,458 --> 00:50:03,291
I mean, not the baby.
Like, I'm having a baby.
1113
00:50:03,375 --> 00:50:06,583
Yeah, no, you know,
the partner stuff. Yeah.
1114
00:50:06,666 --> 00:50:09,166
It'll happen. You know what they say.
1115
00:50:09,958 --> 00:50:11,708
Kiss a lot of turds, right?
1116
00:50:13,125 --> 00:50:14,041
No.
1117
00:50:14,541 --> 00:50:16,875
No one says that. It's toads.
1118
00:50:17,375 --> 00:50:19,416
Like "The early turd gets the worm."
1119
00:50:19,500 --> 00:50:22,291
[Lainy] No, it's bird.
"Early bird gets the worm."
1120
00:50:22,375 --> 00:50:24,000
[laughs]
1121
00:50:24,583 --> 00:50:25,750
It is bird.
1122
00:50:25,833 --> 00:50:28,458
But it is "kiss a lot of turds" for sure.
1123
00:50:28,541 --> 00:50:29,583
[Lainy chuckling]
1124
00:50:31,041 --> 00:50:31,958
[Josh] Oh, man.
1125
00:50:32,791 --> 00:50:35,500
See that guy
messing up the ice with his skates?
1126
00:50:35,583 --> 00:50:36,916
He's doing it on purpose.
1127
00:50:37,541 --> 00:50:40,916
Hey! Stop fucking up the ice,
you piece of shit!
1128
00:50:41,000 --> 00:50:43,125
We could have you killed in minutes!
1129
00:50:44,250 --> 00:50:45,166
[Josh chuckling]
1130
00:50:46,166 --> 00:50:48,500
Do you guys have
any hot chocolate around here?
1131
00:50:48,583 --> 00:50:49,416
Yeah.
1132
00:50:50,791 --> 00:50:52,458
[Lainy] You gotta be shitting me.
1133
00:50:52,541 --> 00:50:55,166
We should Photoshop
some dicks into their mouths.
1134
00:50:55,250 --> 00:50:57,083
[both chuckle]
1135
00:50:58,458 --> 00:51:01,791
I was coming over to ask
if you thought it was over the top.
1136
00:51:01,875 --> 00:51:03,333
I guess I have my answer.
1137
00:51:03,416 --> 00:51:06,541
No, I mean, I love it. I love it.
I think it's quite provocative.
1138
00:51:07,541 --> 00:51:09,625
I'll give you boys some privacy.
1139
00:51:09,708 --> 00:51:13,833
Um, I'm sorry. I was, like, just trying
to make crazy-ass Fallon laugh.
1140
00:51:13,916 --> 00:51:14,833
[Kate] Yeah.
1141
00:51:14,916 --> 00:51:18,500
We were just being funny.
It's not like we're taking that seriously.
1142
00:51:18,583 --> 00:51:19,791
- Yeah, it's ironic.
- Yeah.
1143
00:51:19,875 --> 00:51:22,500
It's, yeah, so, yeah. Sorry.
1144
00:51:23,250 --> 00:51:25,458
I have to talk to you about something, so…
1145
00:51:25,541 --> 00:51:28,458
Okay. Is it that you're in love with me?
1146
00:51:28,541 --> 00:51:29,708
Because I already knew.
1147
00:51:29,791 --> 00:51:32,916
No, no, no. No, I just…
1148
00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:34,125
You're scaring me.
1149
00:51:34,208 --> 00:51:35,916
You can't be in the delivery room.
1150
00:51:37,416 --> 00:51:40,916
What do you mean?
Why wouldn't I be able to be in there?
1151
00:51:41,000 --> 00:51:43,083
If you say Shirley's
going to be in there with you…
1152
00:51:43,166 --> 00:51:44,666
- …I'm going to murder someone.
- No.
1153
00:51:44,750 --> 00:51:46,750
She is not going to be in the room, okay?
1154
00:51:46,833 --> 00:51:49,291
But she did surprise me
and she got a doula,
1155
00:51:49,375 --> 00:51:51,916
and there can only be two people
in the room, so…
1156
00:51:52,000 --> 00:51:56,833
So you're choosing Mark
and some placenta-sniffing midwife
1157
00:51:57,458 --> 00:52:00,166
over your best friend
who you've known your whole life?
1158
00:52:00,250 --> 00:52:02,291
You know what?
Can we just be honest for once?
1159
00:52:02,375 --> 00:52:03,833
Okay, I'm ready to be honest.
1160
00:52:03,916 --> 00:52:05,791
- That sounds nice.
- Great. Let's do it.
1161
00:52:05,875 --> 00:52:07,375
You're pissed because I'm pregnant.
1162
00:52:07,458 --> 00:52:11,166
No, I'm not. That's so insane
that you would think that.
1163
00:52:11,250 --> 00:52:12,583
I'm so happy for you.
1164
00:52:12,666 --> 00:52:15,375
I've been going everywhere with you,
1165
00:52:15,458 --> 00:52:18,541
showing you how happy I am
about this pregnancy.
1166
00:52:18,625 --> 00:52:20,666
Yeah, you seem real happy, Lainy.
1167
00:52:20,750 --> 00:52:22,000
Look, I'm just mad
1168
00:52:22,083 --> 00:52:26,208
because you're being
a stupid, tit-faced jerk butt.
1169
00:52:26,291 --> 00:52:29,416
Oh, it is you, my friend,
that has the face of a tit.
1170
00:52:29,500 --> 00:52:31,333
- Really? Me?
- That's what you are.
1171
00:52:31,416 --> 00:52:33,416
All right.
Can you two bitches calm down?
1172
00:52:33,500 --> 00:52:36,208
You can't even come up with
proper fucking swear words.
1173
00:52:36,291 --> 00:52:38,083
I love you both equally, all right?
1174
00:52:38,166 --> 00:52:39,458
Okay. Forget this.
1175
00:52:39,541 --> 00:52:41,041
Oh, fuck her.
1176
00:52:41,125 --> 00:52:44,208
Ms. Newton, I found this on the bleachers.
1177
00:52:44,291 --> 00:52:46,250
Oh! Um…
1178
00:52:46,875 --> 00:52:48,166
[sniffs] Oh.
1179
00:52:48,250 --> 00:52:50,875
You did the right thing to bring it to me.
Thank you.
1180
00:52:50,958 --> 00:52:53,458
You don't have to tell anyone about this.
I'll handle it.
1181
00:52:54,333 --> 00:52:55,625
Score.
1182
00:52:55,708 --> 00:52:57,708
[chill, upbeat music playing]
1183
00:53:00,666 --> 00:53:03,458
[Lainy] So, wait, you were saying, okay,
so then you dated…
1184
00:53:03,541 --> 00:53:06,750
I dated an ice cream scooper
at Casey's Scoops.
1185
00:53:07,541 --> 00:53:10,625
But then I realized I was just, like,
in it for the ice cream…
1186
00:53:10,708 --> 00:53:12,666
- …and that's just not enough.
- [laughs]
1187
00:53:12,750 --> 00:53:14,875
- No.
- You gotta have chemistry, too, right?
1188
00:53:14,958 --> 00:53:17,666
You can also just have ice cream
and not date the scooper.
1189
00:53:17,750 --> 00:53:19,583
I figured that out.
I figured it out too late.
1190
00:53:19,666 --> 00:53:21,125
Ever dated a pregnant woman?
1191
00:53:21,208 --> 00:53:23,541
You're the least pregnant person
I've ever dated.
1192
00:53:23,625 --> 00:53:25,125
Wow. You wait till they're crowning.
1193
00:53:25,208 --> 00:53:27,916
I want them to be, like,
two weeks away from dropping.
1194
00:53:28,875 --> 00:53:30,666
So are we dating?
1195
00:53:31,708 --> 00:53:35,833
No. I don't know.
I mean, I'm seeing a lot of other people.
1196
00:53:35,916 --> 00:53:36,875
- Okay.
- Yeah.
1197
00:53:36,958 --> 00:53:39,916
- I'm sorry you're in the friend zone.
- The friend zone.
1198
00:53:40,000 --> 00:53:42,875
I thought you were gay until, like,
five minutes ago.
1199
00:53:42,958 --> 00:53:45,833
We can always just
joke around if you want.
1200
00:53:47,375 --> 00:53:49,041
I don't always joke around.
1201
00:53:49,125 --> 00:53:52,041
Okay, no, I'm… you know.
1202
00:53:52,125 --> 00:53:53,125
[Lainy inhaling]
1203
00:53:54,916 --> 00:53:58,875
My nerves are turned on
1204
00:53:59,583 --> 00:54:03,583
I hear them like musical instruments
1205
00:54:04,708 --> 00:54:06,333
Where there was silence…
1206
00:54:07,625 --> 00:54:08,625
The drums…
1207
00:54:08,708 --> 00:54:10,833
[dramatic music playing]
1208
00:54:10,916 --> 00:54:14,000
The strings are incurably playing
1209
00:54:15,291 --> 00:54:16,458
You did this
1210
00:54:17,500 --> 00:54:19,625
Pure genius at work
1211
00:54:19,708 --> 00:54:22,958
Darling, the composer
Has stepped into fire
1212
00:54:25,708 --> 00:54:26,916
Anne Sexton.
1213
00:54:28,583 --> 00:54:29,708
What's it called?
1214
00:54:31,708 --> 00:54:33,000
"The Kiss."
1215
00:54:44,708 --> 00:54:45,708
Oh, sorry.
1216
00:54:45,791 --> 00:54:47,208
- No, I'm sorry.
- No.
1217
00:54:47,291 --> 00:54:48,625
- I'm fine. It's fine.
- It's okay.
1218
00:54:48,708 --> 00:54:51,583
No, I'm just a little self-conscious
about my body right now…
1219
00:54:51,666 --> 00:54:52,916
Oh, yeah.
1220
00:54:53,000 --> 00:54:55,041
- You know, I… Sorry.
- [sighs]
1221
00:54:58,375 --> 00:54:59,333
You want to dance?
1222
00:55:00,375 --> 00:55:01,291
Yes.
1223
00:55:01,375 --> 00:55:04,333
["Delincuente" by Tokischa,
Anuel AA and Ñengo Flow playing]
1224
00:55:06,250 --> 00:55:08,125
[inaudible]
1225
00:55:35,250 --> 00:55:39,250
["Anyone Who Knows What Love Is
(Will Understand)" by Irma Thomas playing]
1226
00:55:41,875 --> 00:55:42,708
♪ Anyone ♪
1227
00:55:45,791 --> 00:55:46,708
♪ Anyone ♪
1228
00:55:48,875 --> 00:55:51,708
♪ You can blame me ♪
1229
00:55:52,666 --> 00:55:55,333
♪ Try to shame me ♪
1230
00:55:55,916 --> 00:56:00,250
♪ And still I'll care for you ♪
1231
00:56:04,500 --> 00:56:06,250
♪ You can run around ♪
1232
00:56:06,333 --> 00:56:07,750
[song fades]
1233
00:56:07,833 --> 00:56:09,833
- Want to take a break?
- Sure.
1234
00:56:10,833 --> 00:56:12,041
Whoa.
1235
00:56:12,125 --> 00:56:14,041
- Dave.
- Lainy.
1236
00:56:14,125 --> 00:56:17,750
[exhaling] What are you doing here?
I didn't know you liked, um…
1237
00:56:18,500 --> 00:56:20,916
- Drinking on a boat?
- Yeah, that's crazy.
1238
00:56:21,000 --> 00:56:23,625
- [chuckles nervously]
- What the fuck is that?
1239
00:56:25,625 --> 00:56:27,500
Um, I may have gained some weight.
1240
00:56:27,583 --> 00:56:30,500
What? What is going on? What did you do?
1241
00:56:30,583 --> 00:56:33,333
- What did I do?
- I thought you were on birth control!
1242
00:56:33,958 --> 00:56:35,708
[sighing] How could you do this to me?
1243
00:56:35,791 --> 00:56:36,958
[dance music playing]
1244
00:56:37,041 --> 00:56:40,333
You're such an asshole.
And don't worry because it's not yours.
1245
00:56:40,416 --> 00:56:42,750
Wait, so… When did you even--
1246
00:56:42,833 --> 00:56:44,000
Thanksgiving.
1247
00:56:44,541 --> 00:56:47,041
- We were at my parents' house in Vermont.
- Mm-hmm.
1248
00:56:47,125 --> 00:56:50,541
- We were together the whole time.
- No, obviously not.
1249
00:56:50,625 --> 00:56:52,083
Not when you were, uh…
1250
00:56:54,375 --> 00:56:56,291
- Asleep?
- Bingo.
1251
00:56:56,875 --> 00:57:01,291
When you were asleep,
I went to Black Friday sales.
1252
00:57:01,375 --> 00:57:04,750
And… fucked somebody at a Brookstone?
1253
00:57:04,833 --> 00:57:05,875
Costco.
1254
00:57:06,458 --> 00:57:08,166
Because they have the best deals
1255
00:57:08,250 --> 00:57:10,333
and the best dick.
1256
00:57:11,750 --> 00:57:13,541
And I don't even know
what you're looking at.
1257
00:57:13,625 --> 00:57:14,625
What do you even do?
1258
00:57:14,708 --> 00:57:16,166
I'm a scientist.
1259
00:57:16,250 --> 00:57:18,500
That's not a real job.
What do all of you do?
1260
00:57:19,083 --> 00:57:20,875
[all] We're all scientists.
1261
00:57:22,208 --> 00:57:25,000
I've moved on.
And I suggest you do the same.
1262
00:57:25,083 --> 00:57:26,416
Excuse me.
1263
00:57:27,000 --> 00:57:31,208
Someone actually beautiful
is coming through. Me.
1264
00:57:31,291 --> 00:57:32,416
[music fades]
1265
00:57:33,375 --> 00:57:35,125
[chill music playing]
1266
00:57:39,125 --> 00:57:40,375
Surprise!
1267
00:57:41,041 --> 00:57:42,666
- Meg!
- [Megan] Lainy.
1268
00:57:42,750 --> 00:57:43,916
Hey!
1269
00:57:44,000 --> 00:57:45,583
Oh my God, Lainy.
1270
00:57:45,666 --> 00:57:47,000
Your room is so cute.
1271
00:57:47,583 --> 00:57:49,083
It's so sweet.
1272
00:57:50,083 --> 00:57:52,500
Thank you! That is so nice.
1273
00:57:52,583 --> 00:57:53,791
Oh, I love it.
1274
00:57:54,750 --> 00:57:59,083
What are you doing here
in my… belly of the woods?
1275
00:57:59,166 --> 00:58:02,125
A prenatal depression workshop's nearby
that's supposed to be amazing.
1276
00:58:02,208 --> 00:58:03,666
So I thought I'd come surprise you.
1277
00:58:04,250 --> 00:58:06,333
Oh, cool. I don't have that.
1278
00:58:06,416 --> 00:58:07,291
Oh.
1279
00:58:07,916 --> 00:58:09,541
Okay, well, I do. [chuckling]
1280
00:58:09,625 --> 00:58:11,833
You're gonna make me
face these chicks alone?
1281
00:58:13,083 --> 00:58:14,083
No.
1282
00:58:14,750 --> 00:58:16,750
I wouldn't do that to a friend. I'm in.
1283
00:58:19,208 --> 00:58:22,333
- It's supposed to be very therapeutic.
- Okay, great.
1284
00:58:22,416 --> 00:58:24,166
- We'll just give it a go.
- Let's do it.
1285
00:58:24,250 --> 00:58:26,375
- My God, you really popped this week.
- Didn't I?
1286
00:58:26,458 --> 00:58:28,250
[Megan] Yeah. It just kind of hits.
1287
00:58:33,958 --> 00:58:36,875
I didn't know so many women
got depressed during pregnancy.
1288
00:58:36,958 --> 00:58:40,583
Yeah. Because we're so ashamed
for not just bubbling over with gratitude.
1289
00:58:41,166 --> 00:58:43,958
[Fallon] Excuse me,
legitimate pregnant lady coming through.
1290
00:58:44,041 --> 00:58:44,958
Six weeks.
1291
00:58:45,833 --> 00:58:47,958
Nice boobs. I can say that. I've got them.
1292
00:58:48,041 --> 00:58:51,250
I've got them too.
It's not offensive if you have them.
1293
00:58:52,833 --> 00:58:54,250
What the hell are you doing here?
1294
00:58:54,333 --> 00:58:57,041
Oh, I see.
Good enough for thee, but not for me.
1295
00:58:57,125 --> 00:58:58,541
You're a pregnancy tourist.
1296
00:58:58,625 --> 00:59:00,750
- You shouldn't be here.
- You shouldn't be here.
1297
00:59:00,833 --> 00:59:02,250
- You shouldn't.
- You shouldn't.
1298
00:59:02,333 --> 00:59:03,458
Get…
1299
00:59:04,000 --> 00:59:05,708
Don't punch my baby!
1300
00:59:05,791 --> 00:59:06,916
[woman] Hello, ladies.
1301
00:59:07,500 --> 00:59:08,750
How are you guys doing?
1302
00:59:08,833 --> 00:59:10,375
[all] Good.
1303
00:59:10,458 --> 00:59:11,458
Bullshit!
1304
00:59:12,583 --> 00:59:14,750
You don't have to lie in here, sisters.
1305
00:59:14,833 --> 00:59:16,500
This is a place of truth.
1306
00:59:16,583 --> 00:59:19,583
How do you really feel
during your pregnancies?
1307
00:59:20,708 --> 00:59:21,708
Tell me.
1308
00:59:22,458 --> 00:59:23,500
Come on.
1309
00:59:24,333 --> 00:59:25,416
I'm angry.
1310
00:59:25,500 --> 00:59:27,750
I ate a cupcake
out of the trash can last night.
1311
00:59:28,416 --> 00:59:30,666
My nipples are so dry!
1312
00:59:30,750 --> 00:59:31,875
[all] Yes!
1313
00:59:33,083 --> 00:59:33,958
Thank you.
1314
00:59:34,041 --> 00:59:34,916
I know.
1315
00:59:35,000 --> 00:59:36,458
- [sobs]
- I've got a hairy butthole.
1316
00:59:37,250 --> 00:59:38,458
What the hell are you doing?
1317
00:59:38,541 --> 00:59:40,416
- I've got a hairy butthole.
- Shut up.
1318
00:59:40,500 --> 00:59:42,083
[screams]
1319
00:59:42,166 --> 00:59:44,458
[all screaming]
1320
00:59:47,000 --> 00:59:50,291
All right, ladies.
We are going to take a quick pee break,
1321
00:59:50,375 --> 00:59:52,500
which we'll be doing every three minutes.
1322
00:59:52,583 --> 00:59:55,291
And if you're the one woman
who can still shit while she's pregnant,
1323
00:59:55,375 --> 00:59:56,875
good for you. Now is your chance.
1324
00:59:57,500 --> 00:59:59,916
- Thank you so much. This is great.
- Of course.
1325
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:02,250
Get it out. She's amazing.
1326
01:00:02,791 --> 01:00:04,708
Oh, shit. My sitter just bailed.
1327
01:00:04,791 --> 01:00:07,000
Oh, sorry. That sucks.
1328
01:00:07,750 --> 01:00:10,166
Would you mind
watching Connor tomorrow night?
1329
01:00:10,750 --> 01:00:12,500
[sighs] I don't know.
1330
01:00:12,583 --> 01:00:14,333
Please. It's Steve's birthday.
1331
01:00:14,416 --> 01:00:17,750
Josh has a hockey game he has to work,
and I don't have anybody else to ask.
1332
01:00:18,666 --> 01:00:20,250
It's kind of nice to be needed.
1333
01:00:21,291 --> 01:00:22,375
Yeah, of course.
1334
01:00:22,458 --> 01:00:23,958
We love having you over.
1335
01:00:24,625 --> 01:00:25,916
Josh especially.
1336
01:00:27,125 --> 01:00:29,458
- Really?
- Oh, cool. She's also bailing tonight.
1337
01:00:29,541 --> 01:00:30,541
Okay, I got to go.
1338
01:00:31,083 --> 01:00:34,333
- ["The One" by M.I.A. playing]
- ♪ Got a ticket for the city that's fire ♪
1339
01:00:34,416 --> 01:00:37,750
♪ Tech 9 for the side that'll fight ya ♪
1340
01:00:38,750 --> 01:00:39,875
[softly] Thanks.
1341
01:00:41,125 --> 01:00:44,125
- ♪ Put your picket down come on and riot ♪
- [clears throat]
1342
01:00:45,458 --> 01:00:47,250
- [song stops]
- [train chimes]
1343
01:00:48,000 --> 01:00:49,208
[mouthing] Fuck you.
1344
01:00:51,500 --> 01:00:53,125
- [knock on door]
- [Megan] Hmm.
1345
01:00:55,583 --> 01:00:57,125
- Hi!
- [Lainy] Hi!
1346
01:00:57,208 --> 01:01:00,166
[Megan] Thank you so much.
You are a lifesaver.
1347
01:01:00,250 --> 01:01:02,458
My pleasure. You look beautiful.
1348
01:01:02,541 --> 01:01:04,000
- Thank you. I showered.
- Yeah.
1349
01:01:04,083 --> 01:01:05,416
Hey, Connor, off the couch.
1350
01:01:06,166 --> 01:01:08,750
Oh, hey. Uh, guess who we're going to see?
1351
01:01:08,833 --> 01:01:09,666
Wow.
1352
01:01:09,750 --> 01:01:12,125
- Hey, I might shave my head. Why not?
- Do it.
1353
01:01:12,208 --> 01:01:14,333
- Please don't do that.
- Okay, well, have fun.
1354
01:01:14,416 --> 01:01:15,708
- Thank you so much.
- Go.
1355
01:01:15,791 --> 01:01:17,625
I still want to throw you that shower.
1356
01:01:17,708 --> 01:01:19,291
Okay, no, but go have a good time.
1357
01:01:19,375 --> 01:01:21,125
- We're fine. We got it.
- Thank you. Bye.
1358
01:01:21,208 --> 01:01:22,375
[Lainy] All right. Bye.
1359
01:01:25,750 --> 01:01:27,083
Hi.
1360
01:01:29,041 --> 01:01:30,000
Hi.
1361
01:01:30,083 --> 01:01:31,291
Oh, yeah!
1362
01:01:31,375 --> 01:01:32,500
Do you want this?
1363
01:01:32,583 --> 01:01:34,583
But, yeah, I thought we were going to…
1364
01:01:36,083 --> 01:01:37,500
get married, start a family.
1365
01:01:37,583 --> 01:01:39,916
[exclaiming]
1366
01:01:40,000 --> 01:01:43,583
Did you ever tell such a big lie
you don't know how to get out of it?
1367
01:01:43,666 --> 01:01:45,458
[upbeat pop music playing]
1368
01:01:45,541 --> 01:01:47,458
I ate the whole cookie.
1369
01:01:47,541 --> 01:01:50,125
- Peek-a-boo.
- Oh my God! Oh my God.
1370
01:01:50,208 --> 01:01:52,625
- You scared me.
- I was over here.
1371
01:01:52,708 --> 01:01:54,666
- Let me tell you a real story.
- [music fades]
1372
01:01:54,750 --> 01:01:56,750
[Lainy breathing deeply]
1373
01:01:57,458 --> 01:01:59,125
There was once a family…
1374
01:02:00,875 --> 01:02:03,458
of beautiful, beautiful princesses…
1375
01:02:05,125 --> 01:02:06,875
called the Kardashians.
1376
01:02:07,500 --> 01:02:11,333
And they lived in a palace
1377
01:02:11,416 --> 01:02:15,166
that their dad bought them
by defending a murderer.
1378
01:02:15,250 --> 01:02:16,083
[Connor gasping]
1379
01:02:16,166 --> 01:02:17,000
Hey, hey.
1380
01:02:17,083 --> 01:02:18,375
Uncle Joshy.
1381
01:02:18,458 --> 01:02:21,666
[chuckles] Yeah, yeah,
don't get all riled up, Con-man.
1382
01:02:21,750 --> 01:02:22,750
Yeah, sorry.
1383
01:02:22,833 --> 01:02:24,958
I thought
I'd do a little better with that.
1384
01:02:25,041 --> 01:02:26,000
You're very cute.
1385
01:02:26,708 --> 01:02:29,208
Let's read the book we like, all right?
1386
01:02:29,291 --> 01:02:30,416
[Josh grunting]
1387
01:02:31,500 --> 01:02:34,625
The Book with No Pictures.
1388
01:02:35,583 --> 01:02:38,708
"This is a book with no pictures."
1389
01:02:40,083 --> 01:02:41,458
"It might seem like no fun
1390
01:02:41,541 --> 01:02:44,000
to have someone
read you a book with no pictures."
1391
01:02:44,833 --> 01:02:48,166
"Probably seems boring and serious."
1392
01:02:48,250 --> 01:02:51,416
"Except, here's how books work."
1393
01:02:51,500 --> 01:02:55,708
"Everything the words say,
the person reading the book has to say."
1394
01:02:55,791 --> 01:02:57,416
[tender music playing]
1395
01:02:59,500 --> 01:03:03,041
"Now it's time for me
to sing you my favorite song."
1396
01:03:03,125 --> 01:03:05,750
♪ "Glug, glug, glug
My face is a bug" ♪
1397
01:03:05,833 --> 01:03:09,333
♪ "I eat ants for breakfast
Right off of a rug" ♪
1398
01:03:12,916 --> 01:03:14,875
[Lainy breathing deeply, exhaling]
1399
01:03:18,125 --> 01:03:19,291
[light switch clicking]
1400
01:03:44,875 --> 01:03:46,541
Want to come back to my place?
1401
01:03:48,625 --> 01:03:51,750
The garage. Right down… downstairs.
1402
01:03:54,333 --> 01:03:55,958
[breathing heavily]
1403
01:04:00,958 --> 01:04:02,166
It's roomy.
1404
01:04:02,250 --> 01:04:04,625
Well, the car's not here.
It's usually right there.
1405
01:04:04,708 --> 01:04:07,166
Okay, I want to have sex with you.
1406
01:04:07,833 --> 01:04:09,208
Fantastic.
1407
01:04:09,291 --> 01:04:12,791
But I'm very self-conscious
of my body right now, as I've said.
1408
01:04:12,875 --> 01:04:14,208
Sure, yes.
1409
01:04:14,291 --> 01:04:15,916
So, there's going to be a couple rules.
1410
01:04:16,000 --> 01:04:18,083
Okay, great. I'm down with rules.
1411
01:04:18,166 --> 01:04:21,416
You know, Cider House, Vanderpump,
all the rules.
1412
01:04:21,500 --> 01:04:23,791
Okay, well, just two rules.
1413
01:04:23,875 --> 01:04:25,708
No touching me and no looking at me.
1414
01:04:26,458 --> 01:04:28,333
Oh, okay. I mean, you know,
1415
01:04:28,416 --> 01:04:31,291
it's not exactly the experience
I had pictured,
1416
01:04:31,375 --> 01:04:35,208
but if that doth what m'lady require of--
1417
01:04:35,291 --> 01:04:37,750
- What?
- Yes. Yes. It's cool.
1418
01:04:37,833 --> 01:04:38,833
Great.
1419
01:04:40,000 --> 01:04:41,333
I'll be right back.
1420
01:04:41,958 --> 01:04:43,041
Okay.
1421
01:04:44,583 --> 01:04:45,625
[Lainy] You okay?
1422
01:04:45,708 --> 01:04:47,500
Yeah, I just… You surprised me.
1423
01:04:48,125 --> 01:04:50,416
Hands locked in this position.
1424
01:04:51,375 --> 01:04:52,291
Okay.
1425
01:04:53,083 --> 01:04:55,208
["Sex With Me" by Rihanna playing]
1426
01:04:55,291 --> 01:04:58,791
♪ All this all work, no vacation ♪
1427
01:04:59,458 --> 01:05:03,083
♪ Stay up off my Instagram
Pure temptation ♪
1428
01:05:03,666 --> 01:05:05,791
♪ Hit a switch on a fake *****… ♪
1429
01:05:05,875 --> 01:05:09,208
I want to go down on you,
but I don't really know how to.
1430
01:05:09,291 --> 01:05:10,875
Oh, well,
1431
01:05:10,958 --> 01:05:17,500
you just, like, lick around the clitoris
and if you can sneak a finger in, great.
1432
01:05:17,583 --> 01:05:20,291
No, no, no. I know how to.
1433
01:05:20,375 --> 01:05:22,083
I don't know how to get there.
1434
01:05:22,166 --> 01:05:23,916
- Oh. Right, right.
- Hand in the--
1435
01:05:24,000 --> 01:05:26,375
Well, maybe I can go up on you.
1436
01:05:27,250 --> 01:05:28,250
Problem solved.
1437
01:05:29,000 --> 01:05:30,541
Okay. Yeah.
1438
01:05:31,541 --> 01:05:33,583
- Okay.
- Get on up there.
1439
01:05:33,666 --> 01:05:36,083
Okay, just let me know
when you're kind of close.
1440
01:05:36,166 --> 01:05:37,125
Okay.
1441
01:05:37,625 --> 01:05:39,125
♪ I'm off that la-la ♪
1442
01:05:39,208 --> 01:05:40,875
♪ I'mma get it wet like jacuzzi ♪
1443
01:05:40,958 --> 01:05:43,333
- Okay, I feel your feet there.
- Yeah.
1444
01:05:44,333 --> 01:05:47,166
- Tell me when you're close.
- Okay, I'm…
1445
01:05:47,250 --> 01:05:49,291
I'm trying to make my landing.
1446
01:05:50,166 --> 01:05:51,916
Yeah, you know, I don't…
1447
01:05:52,000 --> 01:05:54,458
- Okay, I'm gonna…
- How long…
1448
01:05:54,541 --> 01:05:56,541
- You're still up there. Okay.
- Let me…
1449
01:05:57,666 --> 01:05:59,375
See. I'm gonna kind of…
1450
01:05:59,458 --> 01:06:01,500
All right, this might work better. Okay.
1451
01:06:01,583 --> 01:06:02,583
What's…
1452
01:06:02,666 --> 01:06:05,000
- Just…
- Just describe what you're doing.
1453
01:06:05,083 --> 01:06:07,291
I'm, like, trying to sit on your…
1454
01:06:07,375 --> 01:06:10,583
No, that's, you know what,
that's not… It's fine.
1455
01:06:10,666 --> 01:06:13,083
- I think I'm okay.
- Okay.
1456
01:06:13,166 --> 01:06:15,500
I don't need you to do that.
That's really sweet, but I'm…
1457
01:06:15,583 --> 01:06:17,750
- Okay.
- I'm ready, you know.
1458
01:06:17,833 --> 01:06:19,875
- Okay, sure.
- She ready, you know.
1459
01:06:19,958 --> 01:06:21,666
Are you? Oh, you're ready.
1460
01:06:21,750 --> 01:06:23,750
- Okay, okay.
- Wow. Nice.
1461
01:06:23,833 --> 01:06:25,291
- Thank you.
- Yeah
1462
01:06:28,083 --> 01:06:30,000
- Oh, my God.
- That feels good.
1463
01:06:31,916 --> 01:06:32,958
[both moaning]
1464
01:06:34,083 --> 01:06:37,000
Oh, that feels so good.
You like that, Iceman?
1465
01:06:37,083 --> 01:06:38,375
Who is Iceman?
1466
01:06:38,458 --> 01:06:40,333
You. Because you drive a Zamboni?
1467
01:06:40,416 --> 01:06:42,500
- Oh, okay, yeah.
- Okay, I don't have to…
1468
01:06:42,583 --> 01:06:44,500
- Just trying something.
- No, I love it.
1469
01:06:44,583 --> 01:06:46,041
- I love it. I'm Iceman.
- Okay.
1470
01:06:46,125 --> 01:06:48,458
- The Iceman Cometh.
- Oh, yeah.
1471
01:06:48,541 --> 01:06:50,583
- I mean, not yet. Not yet.
- Okay.
1472
01:06:50,666 --> 01:06:52,500
Let me try it the other way.
1473
01:06:52,583 --> 01:06:54,916
- Oh, I was liking that.
- Yeah, but this is better.
1474
01:06:55,000 --> 01:06:56,083
This will be good.
1475
01:06:56,166 --> 01:06:57,666
- Okay.
- This is…
1476
01:06:57,750 --> 01:07:01,041
- All right. Back in business.
- Oh my God.
1477
01:07:01,666 --> 01:07:03,833
[moaning softly]
1478
01:07:03,916 --> 01:07:05,208
- [Lainy] Oh my God.
- So good.
1479
01:07:05,291 --> 01:07:06,750
Oh, God.
1480
01:07:08,583 --> 01:07:11,458
- Wait. Is that the garage?
- No, no. It's fine.
1481
01:07:11,541 --> 01:07:13,708
- Where's the clicker?
- I got it. I got it.
1482
01:07:13,791 --> 01:07:15,916
[Josh] Okay. Neighbors?
1483
01:07:17,291 --> 01:07:18,875
Is there anybody out there?
1484
01:07:21,125 --> 01:07:23,291
Close it. Somebody's gonna come by.
1485
01:07:23,375 --> 01:07:25,083
[door whirring]
1486
01:07:29,208 --> 01:07:31,208
["You Send Me" by Sam Cooke playing]
1487
01:07:31,291 --> 01:07:33,666
♪ Darling, you send me ♪
1488
01:07:34,250 --> 01:07:38,625
♪ I know you send me ♪
1489
01:07:38,708 --> 01:07:40,083
That was really nice.
1490
01:07:40,833 --> 01:07:41,833
Yeah.
1491
01:07:44,583 --> 01:07:45,791
It's a great view.
1492
01:07:45,875 --> 01:07:47,125
[cart rattling]
1493
01:07:47,208 --> 01:07:48,208
Thank you.
1494
01:07:49,750 --> 01:07:51,541
Hey!
1495
01:07:51,625 --> 01:07:52,833
[Lainy] Hey.
1496
01:07:52,916 --> 01:07:54,750
[both laugh]
1497
01:07:54,833 --> 01:07:55,750
[Lainy snorting]
1498
01:07:56,958 --> 01:07:58,125
Oh my God.
1499
01:08:00,750 --> 01:08:01,833
Can I be honest with you?
1500
01:08:03,291 --> 01:08:04,208
Yeah?
1501
01:08:06,166 --> 01:08:07,125
I…
1502
01:08:09,500 --> 01:08:12,000
I haven't felt this connected to someone…
1503
01:08:13,500 --> 01:08:14,708
like, ever.
1504
01:08:16,541 --> 01:08:17,875
Me, too.
1505
01:08:17,958 --> 01:08:21,041
Good, because I really…
1506
01:08:22,125 --> 01:08:24,416
I think we could make this work.
1507
01:08:25,125 --> 01:08:29,041
I do. Like, you and me
and the little person in there.
1508
01:08:32,666 --> 01:08:33,833
[Josh chuckling softly]
1509
01:08:34,458 --> 01:08:38,708
It just feels so good to finally
be able to trust somebody again.
1510
01:08:39,750 --> 01:08:41,500
I totally trust you.
1511
01:08:42,458 --> 01:08:45,375
I didn't know
if I'd ever feel like this again.
1512
01:08:45,458 --> 01:08:46,750
Mm-hmm.
1513
01:08:46,833 --> 01:08:47,875
[sighs]
1514
01:08:48,375 --> 01:08:51,625
- I can't do this.
- Can't do… Can't do what?
1515
01:08:51,708 --> 01:08:53,416
- I'm sorry.
- Wait…
1516
01:08:53,500 --> 01:08:56,750
- I have to… I have to leave.
- [somber music playing]
1517
01:08:56,833 --> 01:08:58,791
Wait. Can't do what?
1518
01:08:58,875 --> 01:08:59,875
You have Connor?
1519
01:08:59,958 --> 01:09:02,041
Yeah. Wait, what did I say?
1520
01:09:02,916 --> 01:09:04,458
Why are you leaving?
1521
01:09:09,166 --> 01:09:10,708
[music fades]
1522
01:09:10,791 --> 01:09:11,666
[indistinct chatter]
1523
01:09:11,750 --> 01:09:13,625
[Lainy] Everyone just stick together.
1524
01:09:13,708 --> 01:09:16,083
[woman] No touching the butterflies.
1525
01:09:16,166 --> 01:09:18,583
Do not disrupt their metamorphosis.
1526
01:09:18,666 --> 01:09:19,875
I'm totally fucked.
1527
01:09:19,958 --> 01:09:22,125
Are you? 'Cause the way I understand it
1528
01:09:22,208 --> 01:09:24,458
is Josh is the one
that got bit of a fucking.
1529
01:09:24,541 --> 01:09:27,416
- [grunts and squeals]
- Stop it! Come on!
1530
01:09:27,500 --> 01:09:30,416
Sorry. Butterflies make me anxious.
1531
01:09:31,166 --> 01:09:34,416
[sighing] I almost told him.
I almost and then I…
1532
01:09:34,500 --> 01:09:36,500
- [shudders]
- [woman] No touching.
1533
01:09:36,583 --> 01:09:39,208
I don't know what relationship
could possibly survive
1534
01:09:39,291 --> 01:09:41,166
this level of dishonesty.
1535
01:09:41,250 --> 01:09:44,000
I've lied so much.
I don't know what to do.
1536
01:09:44,083 --> 01:09:47,708
He's going to find out the truth
about my pregnancy at some point, right?
1537
01:09:48,333 --> 01:09:50,291
I mean, he's not going to
forget about a baby.
1538
01:09:51,333 --> 01:09:54,291
God. I can't believe
I fell for Meg's brother.
1539
01:09:54,875 --> 01:09:58,666
- It's ridiculous. Like, I really like him.
- [tense, whimsical music playing]
1540
01:09:59,708 --> 01:10:01,833
You're going to have to get that baby out.
1541
01:10:02,916 --> 01:10:04,666
I need to get rid of my baby.
1542
01:10:05,333 --> 01:10:06,500
Oh, shit.
1543
01:10:07,416 --> 01:10:09,416
Why are they only landing on you?
1544
01:10:10,291 --> 01:10:12,750
- Are they on me?
- Yeah.
1545
01:10:12,833 --> 01:10:15,833
Are they on me right now? Right now?
1546
01:10:15,916 --> 01:10:17,833
- Yeah.
- Get bug spray.
1547
01:10:17,916 --> 01:10:20,208
Get some bug spray. Get them off me.
1548
01:10:20,291 --> 01:10:22,666
- Get these evil demons off me!
- Stop it.
1549
01:10:22,750 --> 01:10:23,875
[shrieking]
1550
01:10:23,958 --> 01:10:25,625
- Sorry. She's fine.
- No touching.
1551
01:10:25,708 --> 01:10:27,708
I didn't touch them!
They were touching me!
1552
01:10:27,791 --> 01:10:30,625
Please don't raise your voice
in here, ma'am.
1553
01:10:30,708 --> 01:10:31,833
I will fight you.
1554
01:10:31,916 --> 01:10:33,833
I'll fuck you up.
1555
01:10:33,916 --> 01:10:37,208
I will bite your fucking aorta right out.
1556
01:10:37,291 --> 01:10:39,041
Butterflies, attack!
1557
01:10:39,125 --> 01:10:40,916
- I'm coming to get you.
- Come on.
1558
01:10:41,000 --> 01:10:42,750
[woman] Piece of shit bitch.
1559
01:10:44,041 --> 01:10:46,041
[whispering indistinctly]
1560
01:10:49,916 --> 01:10:51,375
[Kate] Thanks for meeting me.
1561
01:10:51,458 --> 01:10:52,500
[Lainy] Of course.
1562
01:10:56,416 --> 01:10:57,416
How are you?
1563
01:10:58,500 --> 01:11:00,666
I'm good. I stopped puking, so…
1564
01:11:01,750 --> 01:11:03,041
That's great.
1565
01:11:05,083 --> 01:11:07,041
How about you? Are you puking?
1566
01:11:07,125 --> 01:11:08,000
No.
1567
01:11:10,250 --> 01:11:12,208
- Why would I be puking?
- I don't know.
1568
01:11:12,291 --> 01:11:15,583
Sometimes in the morning people get…
1569
01:11:17,708 --> 01:11:19,958
like, their tummy rumbles and… Nothing?
1570
01:11:22,625 --> 01:11:23,875
Are you okay?
1571
01:11:23,958 --> 01:11:24,958
Yeah.
1572
01:11:26,291 --> 01:11:28,833
I guess I'm just nervous
about the baby shower.
1573
01:11:30,750 --> 01:11:33,666
It's gonna be great.
Thanks for including me.
1574
01:11:35,500 --> 01:11:36,750
What does that mean?
1575
01:11:37,958 --> 01:11:39,708
What? Thanks for including me.
1576
01:11:39,791 --> 01:11:42,333
Why would you not be invited?
You're my best friend.
1577
01:11:44,916 --> 01:11:46,541
It's okay. I…
1578
01:11:47,416 --> 01:11:48,333
You and Shirley.
1579
01:11:48,416 --> 01:11:49,916
It looks like it's gonna be amazing.
1580
01:11:50,000 --> 01:11:52,166
It's gonna be better than
anything I could have done.
1581
01:11:52,250 --> 01:11:54,333
I have to actually run.
1582
01:11:54,416 --> 01:11:56,333
I have like a million papers to grade.
1583
01:11:56,416 --> 01:11:57,916
- Are you good?
- Yeah.
1584
01:11:58,000 --> 01:11:59,000
- You're okay?
- Yeah.
1585
01:11:59,083 --> 01:12:00,083
Okay. All right.
1586
01:12:01,083 --> 01:12:03,083
[emotional music playing]
1587
01:12:11,375 --> 01:12:13,666
- [upbeat music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]
1588
01:12:22,750 --> 01:12:25,125
[Rawn] I wanna see a paternity test,
am I right?
1589
01:12:25,208 --> 01:12:28,125
No. I can't believe someone's
gonna be calling me "daddy" soon.
1590
01:12:28,208 --> 01:12:30,041
- [exclaims]
- [all laughing]
1591
01:12:30,125 --> 01:12:31,125
Wow.
1592
01:12:31,583 --> 01:12:33,750
- [Fallon] Hey, look what I found.
- What?
1593
01:12:35,000 --> 01:12:36,916
- [alpaca grunting]
- What the fuck is that?
1594
01:12:37,000 --> 01:12:38,500
I've always wanted a cow.
1595
01:12:38,583 --> 01:12:40,375
That's an alpaca.
1596
01:12:40,458 --> 01:12:42,583
I've been milking her
for an hour and a half
1597
01:12:42,666 --> 01:12:44,416
because they only have
fake milk at the bar.
1598
01:12:44,500 --> 01:12:48,333
I only got like a teaspoon
for this macchiato with little Bessie.
1599
01:12:48,416 --> 01:12:49,500
What a giver.
1600
01:12:51,833 --> 01:12:53,458
- That's obviously a boy.
- What?
1601
01:12:53,541 --> 01:12:55,500
You've been jerking off a boy alpaca.
1602
01:12:56,250 --> 01:12:59,583
That explains the sounds,
and it's quite salty too.
1603
01:12:59,666 --> 01:13:00,791
[Fallon slurping]
1604
01:13:01,916 --> 01:13:02,791
Macchiato?
1605
01:13:03,375 --> 01:13:04,333
I'm gonna pass.
1606
01:13:05,000 --> 01:13:07,125
Garrett, can you take this cow to my car?
1607
01:13:08,541 --> 01:13:09,875
Hi, Lainy.
1608
01:13:09,958 --> 01:13:11,083
Hey, Connor.
1609
01:13:11,750 --> 01:13:12,791
Connor?
1610
01:13:13,583 --> 01:13:15,708
[gasps] Oh, shit.
1611
01:13:17,125 --> 01:13:18,541
[suspenseful music playing]
1612
01:13:22,250 --> 01:13:24,208
- Fuck.
- Is that your man?
1613
01:13:25,916 --> 01:13:27,250
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
1614
01:13:27,333 --> 01:13:28,458
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
1615
01:13:28,541 --> 01:13:29,416
Fuck!
1616
01:13:34,250 --> 01:13:35,750
She's gotta be here somewhere.
1617
01:13:38,125 --> 01:13:38,958
[Lainy grunting]
1618
01:13:39,916 --> 01:13:43,416
Hey! What are you
gorgeous humans doing here?
1619
01:13:43,500 --> 01:13:45,250
Your friend Shirley invited us.
1620
01:13:45,333 --> 01:13:47,708
[chuckles nervously] Classic Shirley.
1621
01:13:47,791 --> 01:13:49,666
Why haven't you returned my calls?
1622
01:13:50,250 --> 01:13:51,375
Calls? What?
1623
01:13:52,083 --> 01:13:52,916
You okay?
1624
01:13:53,000 --> 01:13:54,208
Never better.
1625
01:13:54,875 --> 01:13:56,666
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.
1626
01:13:56,750 --> 01:13:59,708
Are these your friends
you've never mentioned?
1627
01:13:59,791 --> 01:14:01,541
Mm-hmm. Josh.
1628
01:14:01,625 --> 01:14:02,708
- Hi.
- Hi.
1629
01:14:02,791 --> 01:14:04,375
- And Megan.
- Hi.
1630
01:14:04,458 --> 01:14:06,166
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
1631
01:14:06,250 --> 01:14:08,375
And then there's Steve and Connor.
1632
01:14:08,458 --> 01:14:10,416
[Shirley whistles] Everyone!
1633
01:14:10,500 --> 01:14:11,416
[Shirley clapping]
1634
01:14:11,500 --> 01:14:16,333
May I have your… attention please.
1635
01:14:16,416 --> 01:14:17,625
Thank you.
1636
01:14:17,708 --> 01:14:19,125
Um…
1637
01:14:19,208 --> 01:14:21,291
- First off, Kate and I are so happy…
- [mouthing]
1638
01:14:21,375 --> 01:14:23,208
…that you could make it
to our baby shower.
1639
01:14:23,291 --> 01:14:25,166
Round of applause!
1640
01:14:25,250 --> 01:14:27,250
[all cheering and applauding]
1641
01:14:27,333 --> 01:14:28,541
- Hi.
- Hi.
1642
01:14:28,625 --> 01:14:30,083
Um… [chuckles]
1643
01:14:30,166 --> 01:14:32,916
Well, I didn't know that
it was gonna be this insane,
1644
01:14:33,000 --> 01:14:36,333
but it does look kind of cool,
so thanks for making me do this.
1645
01:14:36,416 --> 01:14:38,500
- Stop it.
- What? Oh.
1646
01:14:38,583 --> 01:14:39,583
Like, I love you.
1647
01:14:40,375 --> 01:14:41,291
Give me a break.
1648
01:14:41,375 --> 01:14:43,750
- Yeah.
- It's like so many emotions.
1649
01:14:43,833 --> 01:14:46,333
Sorry. [exhales] But…
1650
01:14:46,833 --> 01:14:48,458
[microphone feedbacking]
1651
01:14:49,500 --> 01:14:51,916
I wanna talk about
someone else for a minute.
1652
01:14:53,666 --> 01:14:58,500
Someone we all know and love
named Lainy! Whoo!
1653
01:15:00,541 --> 01:15:04,541
No. This is your day.
Keep it focused on you, please.
1654
01:15:04,625 --> 01:15:07,875
Lainy, everyone at school and on the web
1655
01:15:07,958 --> 01:15:10,375
knows that I am
the sexiest teacher in the world
1656
01:15:10,458 --> 01:15:12,583
and that kindness is my favorite hobby.
1657
01:15:12,666 --> 01:15:14,708
So I want this to be your day, too.
1658
01:15:14,791 --> 01:15:17,500
I don't want it to be.
It's your day, so please leave me alone.
1659
01:15:17,583 --> 01:15:20,166
- Really, please leave me alone.
- Okay. Come here.
1660
01:15:20,250 --> 01:15:23,250
Context, Lainy is pregnant
and thinking of terminating,
1661
01:15:23,333 --> 01:15:26,250
which is so fine because you know
I'm pro-choice like a Rolls Royce.
1662
01:15:26,333 --> 01:15:27,583
Oh my God.
1663
01:15:27,666 --> 01:15:29,625
But this could be
our unicorn's last chance!
1664
01:15:29,708 --> 01:15:31,541
Wait, no, you need to
go into the wrinkles.
1665
01:15:31,625 --> 01:15:33,500
So we're hoping that we can talk her…
1666
01:15:33,583 --> 01:15:34,916
- …into keeping it, right?
- Stop.
1667
01:15:35,583 --> 01:15:38,041
- [Rawn] Yes!
- [Shirley] My God, the chat is on fire.
1668
01:15:38,125 --> 01:15:40,000
- Enough.
- Wait, no, that's my phone.
1669
01:15:40,083 --> 01:15:42,291
No, I'm turning it off.
You're acting like a crazy--
1670
01:15:42,375 --> 01:15:43,333
Stop it!
1671
01:15:43,416 --> 01:15:45,750
- Oh my God!
- Enough!
1672
01:15:46,958 --> 01:15:48,875
I'm not having an abortion!
1673
01:15:48,958 --> 01:15:50,708
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
1674
01:15:50,791 --> 01:15:52,333
Jesus, Shirley, I would.
1675
01:15:53,000 --> 01:15:53,958
Kate has.
1676
01:15:54,041 --> 01:15:55,250
My mom tried.
1677
01:15:55,333 --> 01:15:57,875
Wait, so you are having the baby! Whoo!
1678
01:15:57,958 --> 01:16:00,375
[all chanting] Keep it!
Keep it! Keep it! Keep it!
1679
01:16:00,458 --> 01:16:02,166
Stop it! Stop it!
1680
01:16:02,250 --> 01:16:06,333
I'm not! I'm not having the baby!
I'm not… I'm not pregnant!
1681
01:16:06,416 --> 01:16:07,791
[crowd murmuring]
1682
01:16:07,875 --> 01:16:09,708
[dramatic music playing]
1683
01:16:11,041 --> 01:16:12,208
I've been lying.
1684
01:16:15,375 --> 01:16:16,625
I'm faking it.
1685
01:16:18,250 --> 01:16:19,708
[all gasp]
1686
01:16:21,791 --> 01:16:22,791
[sighs]
1687
01:16:23,666 --> 01:16:24,625
Meg.
1688
01:16:25,750 --> 01:16:27,500
Steve, get the fucking Mazda.
1689
01:16:31,666 --> 01:16:32,750
[Megan exhaling]
1690
01:16:34,166 --> 01:16:36,458
Josh, let me explain.
1691
01:16:37,916 --> 01:16:39,583
You need serious help.
1692
01:16:42,000 --> 01:16:44,000
[emotional music playing]
1693
01:16:49,333 --> 01:16:50,458
[softly] I'm sorry.
1694
01:16:59,583 --> 01:17:00,916
[footsteps approaching]
1695
01:17:05,791 --> 01:17:07,583
[Kate grunting, sighing]
1696
01:17:09,458 --> 01:17:10,625
[music fades]
1697
01:17:15,250 --> 01:17:16,833
I know you'll never love me again.
1698
01:17:16,916 --> 01:17:18,833
I just hope someday you don't hate me.
1699
01:17:21,791 --> 01:17:23,041
I don't hate you.
1700
01:17:25,291 --> 01:17:26,291
You don't?
1701
01:17:26,375 --> 01:17:28,500
No. I love you.
1702
01:17:29,458 --> 01:17:31,166
I knew that something was up.
1703
01:17:32,291 --> 01:17:33,958
I just didn't know what it was.
1704
01:17:35,166 --> 01:17:36,875
I'm not even mad at you.
1705
01:17:37,583 --> 01:17:39,625
I mean, I'm really mad at Mark.
1706
01:17:40,666 --> 01:17:43,333
For not being happy
about this baby at all.
1707
01:17:45,083 --> 01:17:48,000
It's been really hard
doing this without you.
1708
01:17:49,250 --> 01:17:50,875
[sighs] Fuck.
1709
01:17:50,958 --> 01:17:52,208
[emotional music playing]
1710
01:17:52,291 --> 01:17:53,666
I was jealous.
1711
01:17:54,708 --> 01:17:58,333
Of you… I was really jealous of Mark.
1712
01:17:58,416 --> 01:17:59,375
[Kate scoffing]
1713
01:18:00,125 --> 01:18:01,375
That's funny.
1714
01:18:02,041 --> 01:18:03,041
For real.
1715
01:18:03,125 --> 01:18:06,250
I've always been jealous of Mark.
He gets to spend so much time with you.
1716
01:18:07,291 --> 01:18:08,916
I want to be your husband.
1717
01:18:09,000 --> 01:18:11,875
- You should be. I hate my husband.
- [scoffs]
1718
01:18:11,958 --> 01:18:14,833
Sometimes I'll just
look at him and be like, "God!"
1719
01:18:14,916 --> 01:18:16,666
[both chuckle]
1720
01:18:16,750 --> 01:18:19,541
No. He's a good guy.
1721
01:18:21,250 --> 01:18:22,708
And he loves you so much.
1722
01:18:23,375 --> 01:18:26,833
And he's going to love this baby.
That's who I'm really jealous of.
1723
01:18:27,916 --> 01:18:31,625
This baby gets to have
the coolest, funniest,
1724
01:18:31,708 --> 01:18:34,333
most badass mom in the whole world.
1725
01:18:35,375 --> 01:18:37,416
You forgot to say sexiest.
1726
01:18:38,333 --> 01:18:41,500
- Most fuckable mom. This baby…
- [laughs]
1727
01:18:43,125 --> 01:18:44,291
No, but really.
1728
01:18:45,625 --> 01:18:47,750
This kid is lucky.
1729
01:18:48,916 --> 01:18:50,083
You really think so?
1730
01:18:50,166 --> 01:18:53,375
Are you serious?
You're the only family I've ever known.
1731
01:18:54,208 --> 01:18:57,041
You getting your own family made me, like,
1732
01:18:57,125 --> 01:19:00,708
just crazy and desperate
to find my own soulmate.
1733
01:19:01,500 --> 01:19:03,708
Bitch, I'm your soulmate.
1734
01:19:04,291 --> 01:19:05,416
Come here.
1735
01:19:10,041 --> 01:19:13,708
["At Seventeen" by Janis Ian playing]
1736
01:19:15,500 --> 01:19:19,583
♪ I learned the truth at 17 ♪
1737
01:19:19,666 --> 01:19:23,625
♪ That love was meant for beauty queens ♪
1738
01:19:24,250 --> 01:19:28,250
♪ And high school girls
With clear-skinned smiles ♪
1739
01:19:28,750 --> 01:19:30,166
♪ Who married young and then… ♪
1740
01:19:30,250 --> 01:19:31,375
Hey.
1741
01:19:31,458 --> 01:19:32,375
[song fades]
1742
01:19:32,458 --> 01:19:34,458
I saw the baby on Instagram.
1743
01:19:35,166 --> 01:19:36,500
She's perfect.
1744
01:19:36,583 --> 01:19:38,208
Uh, it's a he.
1745
01:19:39,666 --> 01:19:40,666
[Lainy gasping]
1746
01:19:43,000 --> 01:19:44,333
I'm the worst.
1747
01:19:44,416 --> 01:19:47,875
I'm not the kind of person who's going to
comfort someone who's hurt me.
1748
01:19:50,083 --> 01:19:51,041
That's fair.
1749
01:19:52,916 --> 01:19:55,375
All I ever wanted was to be a mom.
1750
01:19:56,791 --> 01:19:58,250
Since I was a little girl.
1751
01:19:58,875 --> 01:20:00,541
So I put that bump on.
1752
01:20:01,125 --> 01:20:02,833
I went to that stupid yoga class.
1753
01:20:04,250 --> 01:20:07,833
And I met you. And I couldn't help
but want to be friends with you.
1754
01:20:08,875 --> 01:20:09,916
And I got stuck.
1755
01:20:11,458 --> 01:20:13,000
You could have just told me.
1756
01:20:13,083 --> 01:20:15,666
I know what a mindfuck it is
being a woman, pregnant or not.
1757
01:20:16,416 --> 01:20:19,875
Well, I wanted to tell you. I was just…
1758
01:20:21,583 --> 01:20:25,000
Do you remember what it's like
to want a family so bad?
1759
01:20:25,083 --> 01:20:27,208
Of course. Of course.
1760
01:20:29,750 --> 01:20:32,833
I've just always wanted someone
to choose me. You know?
1761
01:20:32,916 --> 01:20:34,125
Lainy.
1762
01:20:35,166 --> 01:20:39,041
The most important relationship you are
ever going to have is with yourself.
1763
01:20:39,125 --> 01:20:41,125
[emotional music playing]
1764
01:20:42,041 --> 01:20:43,541
Well, I miss you, girl.
1765
01:20:43,625 --> 01:20:44,791
Come here.
1766
01:20:48,833 --> 01:20:50,500
I'm so sorry.
1767
01:20:50,583 --> 01:20:51,625
[Megan] It's okay.
1768
01:20:51,708 --> 01:20:54,333
Oh my God.
I was just watching this thing and I…
1769
01:20:58,333 --> 01:20:59,583
Oh my God.
1770
01:21:00,875 --> 01:21:03,083
Oh, no, no! No!
1771
01:21:03,166 --> 01:21:05,083
- Yes. Yes.
- [Josh] No! No!
1772
01:21:05,708 --> 01:21:06,958
- No!
- [Megan] Oh my God, Josh!
1773
01:21:07,583 --> 01:21:09,791
- Hey, you get down from there right now!
- No!
1774
01:21:09,875 --> 01:21:11,375
The neighbors are staring!
1775
01:21:12,416 --> 01:21:13,958
I'm not coming down ever!
1776
01:21:14,041 --> 01:21:17,166
Josh, can I please talk to you
for a minute? Just one minute.
1777
01:21:17,250 --> 01:21:18,875
Why? So you can tell me another lie?
1778
01:21:18,958 --> 01:21:22,125
You're not a teacher.
You're really a lighthouse keeper.
1779
01:21:22,208 --> 01:21:23,500
I lied.
1780
01:21:24,250 --> 01:21:27,583
I lied to you when I told you
that I got pregnant on Thanksgiving.
1781
01:21:27,666 --> 01:21:31,500
I lied to you when I said
I do charity work for animals.
1782
01:21:31,583 --> 01:21:34,291
I don't. I've never done
any charity work, ever.
1783
01:21:34,375 --> 01:21:38,875
I donate canned goods
if they're doing a drive or something,
1784
01:21:38,958 --> 01:21:42,500
but it's just the stuff
I don't want to eat, really, you know?
1785
01:21:42,583 --> 01:21:46,416
French cut green beans,
creamed corn. I, you know…
1786
01:21:46,500 --> 01:21:48,375
- I like cream corn.
- [Megan shushing]
1787
01:21:48,458 --> 01:21:49,291
Steve.
1788
01:21:49,375 --> 01:21:53,958
The point is that I'm not lying to you
when I say I am totally in love with you.
1789
01:21:54,916 --> 01:21:57,666
I know it's a big ask,
but can we just start over?
1790
01:21:59,333 --> 01:22:01,125
My name's not Sasha Fierce.
1791
01:22:02,666 --> 01:22:03,583
Hi.
1792
01:22:05,000 --> 01:22:06,458
My name is Lainy Newton.
1793
01:22:07,583 --> 01:22:08,708
What's yours?
1794
01:22:14,708 --> 01:22:17,416
Haven't you ever done
something stupid for love?
1795
01:22:18,583 --> 01:22:20,583
[Josh inhaling, exhaling]
1796
01:22:24,166 --> 01:22:26,083
Well, it was wrong, and I'm sorry.
1797
01:22:26,166 --> 01:22:27,916
[somber music playing]
1798
01:22:45,416 --> 01:22:46,583
[Josh] Ow, my arms.
1799
01:22:47,333 --> 01:22:49,333
[whimsical music playing]
1800
01:22:57,125 --> 01:22:58,208
[choir vocalizing]
1801
01:23:11,208 --> 01:23:12,208
[sighs]
1802
01:23:12,791 --> 01:23:13,875
[knock on door]
1803
01:23:15,541 --> 01:23:16,583
[music fades]
1804
01:23:17,125 --> 01:23:18,416
Can I come in?
1805
01:23:20,250 --> 01:23:21,208
No.
1806
01:23:21,750 --> 01:23:23,291
[Dave] I brought steak frites.
1807
01:23:33,166 --> 01:23:34,583
So how you been feeling?
1808
01:23:35,208 --> 01:23:36,833
What do you want, Dave?
1809
01:23:36,916 --> 01:23:39,083
I've never known you
to be this considerate.
1810
01:23:40,666 --> 01:23:41,625
Is it mine?
1811
01:23:45,833 --> 01:23:48,125
- Yes.
- Crap, dammit, I knew it.
1812
01:23:48,208 --> 01:23:50,583
I fucking knew it. I knew it.
1813
01:23:50,666 --> 01:23:52,416
[Dave breathing heavily]
1814
01:23:52,500 --> 01:23:53,583
They're yours.
1815
01:23:53,666 --> 01:23:54,666
They?
1816
01:23:56,125 --> 01:23:57,750
What, like twins?
1817
01:23:58,666 --> 01:24:00,541
Three? Oh, no.
1818
01:24:00,625 --> 01:24:03,916
How? How? [sobs] Oh my God!
1819
01:24:04,000 --> 01:24:04,916
Oh, wait.
1820
01:24:05,000 --> 01:24:06,833
[sobbing]
1821
01:24:07,875 --> 01:24:10,708
No, I can't. I can't do that.
1822
01:24:11,708 --> 01:24:13,750
Oh, my life's over. Shit!
1823
01:24:13,833 --> 01:24:15,291
No, that's good. That's good.
1824
01:24:15,375 --> 01:24:17,916
Yeah, we're gonna…
Yeah, three. That's crazy.
1825
01:24:18,000 --> 01:24:19,583
You gonna keep all of them, or…
1826
01:24:20,166 --> 01:24:21,541
God, you suck!
1827
01:24:21,625 --> 01:24:22,791
[velcro tearing]
1828
01:24:24,625 --> 01:24:26,583
Oh, it's not real? That's not real?
1829
01:24:26,666 --> 01:24:28,791
Oh, my… Oh, thank God.
1830
01:24:28,875 --> 01:24:32,666
Fuck yeah! It's not real. Yes!
1831
01:24:33,583 --> 01:24:34,666
[exclaims]
1832
01:24:35,250 --> 01:24:36,750
You are such a dick.
1833
01:24:36,833 --> 01:24:38,375
You're a dick.
1834
01:24:39,166 --> 01:24:41,083
I mean, four years.
1835
01:24:41,166 --> 01:24:44,333
Four fucking years.
Were you ever in love with me?
1836
01:24:44,916 --> 01:24:46,333
Lainy, yes.
1837
01:24:46,416 --> 01:24:47,500
I was.
1838
01:24:48,166 --> 01:24:50,958
Now, did I fall out of love with you? Yes.
1839
01:24:54,375 --> 01:24:55,291
I'm sorry.
1840
01:24:56,333 --> 01:24:58,208
I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy.
1841
01:24:58,291 --> 01:25:00,708
No, Lainy, it's not you.
1842
01:25:01,916 --> 01:25:04,375
I realized that I couldn't make you happy.
1843
01:25:04,458 --> 01:25:08,500
You know, you wanted
to be a wife and a mom,
1844
01:25:08,583 --> 01:25:10,625
and I thought I wanted that, too, but…
1845
01:25:10,708 --> 01:25:12,416
[breathes deeply, sighs]
1846
01:25:13,166 --> 01:25:16,166
I realized that I wanted so much more…
1847
01:25:17,916 --> 01:25:19,666
- Success.
- Pussy.
1848
01:25:19,750 --> 01:25:20,750
[Dave sighing]
1849
01:25:22,625 --> 01:25:24,125
[Lainy sighing]
1850
01:25:26,166 --> 01:25:27,583
I do still love you, though.
1851
01:25:28,916 --> 01:25:30,333
I want you to be okay.
1852
01:25:31,875 --> 01:25:32,958
That's sweet.
1853
01:25:33,041 --> 01:25:34,791
[smacking lips] I'm sweet.
1854
01:25:34,875 --> 01:25:36,375
[chuckles]
1855
01:25:36,458 --> 01:25:38,208
You wanna bone one more time?
1856
01:25:38,708 --> 01:25:39,750
No.
1857
01:25:40,916 --> 01:25:42,333
Why don't you head back over there…
1858
01:25:42,416 --> 01:25:43,750
- …before I stab you?
- Right. Okay.
1859
01:25:43,833 --> 01:25:46,833
["Long Time" by Joan Jett
and the Blackhearts playing]
1860
01:25:48,958 --> 01:25:51,250
♪ It's nice of you to say ♪
1861
01:25:52,000 --> 01:25:54,000
♪ We can still be friends ♪
1862
01:25:54,833 --> 01:25:57,416
[straining]
1863
01:25:57,500 --> 01:26:00,041
Yes! Yes!
1864
01:26:00,541 --> 01:26:03,666
♪ Sure I always knew
We were worlds apart ♪
1865
01:26:05,958 --> 01:26:09,291
♪ But that don't help the sadness
In my heart ♪
1866
01:26:09,791 --> 01:26:15,750
♪ It's gonna take a long time
To get you off of my mind ♪
1867
01:26:17,125 --> 01:26:21,625
[all chattering indistinctly]
1868
01:26:21,708 --> 01:26:26,791
♪ Gonna take a long time ♪
1869
01:26:27,541 --> 01:26:28,958
♪ One, two, three… ♪
1870
01:26:33,916 --> 01:26:34,916
[song fades]
1871
01:26:35,000 --> 01:26:36,541
bell hooks said,
1872
01:26:36,625 --> 01:26:39,541
"The one person who will never leave us,
1873
01:26:39,625 --> 01:26:41,708
whom we will never lose,
1874
01:26:43,291 --> 01:26:44,625
is ourselves."
1875
01:26:45,291 --> 01:26:51,125
"Learning to love our female selves
is where our search for love must begin."
1876
01:26:52,333 --> 01:26:53,791
[Liam] Ms. Newton,
1877
01:26:53,875 --> 01:26:57,125
learning about female selves
is mad boring.
1878
01:26:57,208 --> 01:26:59,666
- Shut off, Liam.
- Okay.
1879
01:27:00,500 --> 01:27:01,833
No more questions, Brett.
1880
01:27:01,916 --> 01:27:03,625
- But, Ms. Newton--
- Brett…
1881
01:27:04,375 --> 01:27:07,541
…I need you to back up off me today, okay?
1882
01:27:07,625 --> 01:27:09,625
But I'm glad we communicated about this.
1883
01:27:09,708 --> 01:27:13,541
Lainy! There's a Zamboni outside.
1884
01:27:15,791 --> 01:27:19,208
["Take A Chance On Me"
by AWOLNATION (featuring Jewel) playing]
1885
01:27:20,208 --> 01:27:24,666
♪ Honey, I'm still free
Take a chance on me ♪
1886
01:27:24,750 --> 01:27:29,125
♪ If you need me, let me know
Gonna be around ♪
1887
01:27:29,208 --> 01:27:33,708
♪ If you've got no place to go
If you're feeling down ♪
1888
01:27:34,833 --> 01:27:39,416
♪ If you're all alone
When the pretty birds have flown ♪
1889
01:27:39,500 --> 01:27:41,916
♪ Honey, I'm still free, take a chance… ♪
1890
01:27:42,000 --> 01:27:44,000
[engine winding down]
1891
01:27:47,541 --> 01:27:50,416
You know, I once stole my own car
1892
01:27:50,500 --> 01:27:54,375
so I could use the insurance money
to buy my girlfriend a bag.
1893
01:27:54,958 --> 01:27:57,791
- A bag?
- Yeah, like a designer bag.
1894
01:27:58,875 --> 01:28:00,708
That's really stupid.
1895
01:28:00,791 --> 01:28:02,291
Yeah. Lainy…
1896
01:28:03,458 --> 01:28:04,625
you are insane.
1897
01:28:05,291 --> 01:28:08,125
Really, I think
you may be clinically insane,
1898
01:28:08,958 --> 01:28:11,958
but you make me laugh so much.
1899
01:28:12,583 --> 01:28:14,291
I love the way you look at me.
1900
01:28:14,375 --> 01:28:16,583
And I love looking at you.
1901
01:28:16,666 --> 01:28:18,000
[Shirley] Aw.
1902
01:28:18,500 --> 01:28:22,125
I had the best sex I've ever had with you
and I didn't see anything.
1903
01:28:25,250 --> 01:28:28,916
You know, someone once said,
"Watch out for love,
1904
01:28:29,000 --> 01:28:32,833
unless it is true
and every part of you says yes…
1905
01:28:34,291 --> 01:28:35,541
including the toes."
1906
01:28:37,166 --> 01:28:38,666
Anne Sexton.
1907
01:28:39,416 --> 01:28:42,375
Look, I guess what I'm saying is…
1908
01:28:43,416 --> 01:28:46,041
Hi, my name is Josh.
1909
01:28:48,250 --> 01:28:50,125
♪ If you're all alone… ♪
1910
01:28:50,208 --> 01:28:52,208
[all cheering]
1911
01:28:52,791 --> 01:28:57,166
♪ Honey, I'm still free
Take a chance on me ♪
1912
01:28:57,250 --> 01:29:01,625
♪ Gonna do my very best
Baby, can't you see? ♪
1913
01:29:01,708 --> 01:29:06,083
♪ Gotta put me to the test
Take a chance on me ♪
1914
01:29:06,166 --> 01:29:08,416
♪ Take a chance on me ♪
1915
01:29:08,500 --> 01:29:10,833
♪ Come on, give me a break, will you? ♪
1916
01:29:10,916 --> 01:29:12,916
♪ Take a chance on me ♪
1917
01:29:13,000 --> 01:29:14,583
[engine starting]
1918
01:29:14,666 --> 01:29:17,708
♪ Oh, you can take your time, baby ♪
1919
01:29:17,791 --> 01:29:19,875
♪ I'm in no hurry ♪
1920
01:29:19,958 --> 01:29:23,125
- ♪ Know I'm gonna get you ♪
- ♪ Know I'm gonna get you ♪
1921
01:29:23,208 --> 01:29:24,125
[zamboni crashing]
1922
01:29:26,208 --> 01:29:28,041
- Oh, sorry!
- Oh, no.
1923
01:29:28,125 --> 01:29:31,208
- [Lainy] Oh, my God, no, I got it!
- [Josh] I drive this!
1924
01:29:31,291 --> 01:29:33,125
- I got it!
- No. Take your foot off the gas!
1925
01:29:33,208 --> 01:29:35,916
- I thought I was on the brake!
- Get out of the way!
1926
01:29:36,000 --> 01:29:37,458
- No, it's not!
- [Lainy] All right!
1927
01:29:37,541 --> 01:29:38,750
You're on the gas!
1928
01:29:39,541 --> 01:29:41,625
- Oh…
- Fuck!
1929
01:29:41,708 --> 01:29:43,500
[all screaming]
1930
01:29:44,333 --> 01:29:46,416
- [man] Look out!
- [screaming]
1931
01:29:47,625 --> 01:29:49,291
- Oh, shit.
- [panting]
1932
01:29:52,208 --> 01:29:54,208
Oh, fuck.
1933
01:29:54,708 --> 01:29:57,708
["Bam Bam (Henry Fong Remix)"
by Sister Nancy playing]
1934
01:30:56,541 --> 01:30:58,041
[song fades]
1935
01:30:58,125 --> 01:31:00,666
[upbeat music playing]
1936
01:31:30,625 --> 01:31:32,625
[uplifting music playing]
1937
01:37:43,541 --> 01:37:45,083
[music fades]