♪ DanDaDan, DanDaDan, DanDaDan, DanDaDan, DanDaDan ♪
♪ DanDaDan, DanDaDan, DanDaDan ♪
[Creepy Nuts singing in Japanese]
[Creepy Nuts' "Otonoke"]
♪ ♪
♪ DanDaDan, DanDaDan, DanDaDan, DanDaDan, DanDaDan ♪
♪ DanDaDan, DanDaDan, DanDaDan ♪
- Huh?
- I said if you ain't gonna lend me no cash,
I ain't takin' you on no date.
But yo, if you put out, I'll take you wherever.
Like a love hotel, but you're payin' for it.
- [shouts]
- [grunts]
[grunts] - Greedy creep!
I'll-- - Shut up!
[grunts] - [groans]
- What? What'cha gonna do?
Kick my ass?
Man, I'm done!
You're no girlfriend!
You're broke, you won't put out, you're lame--
- Yeah? You're an octopus! Squid! Tuna!
[groans] - Like, wow.
Calling him seafood is pretty lame.
- Cut me some slack.
My first boyfriend just broke up with me!
- And who told you not to go out with him?
Why'd you fall for him, anyway?
- He looked like Ken Takakura. - Again?
- You're such a dork.
- There's nothing weird about
liking strong, silent types like Ken Takakura!
- "I'm an awkward guy."
both: There ain't no dudes alive like that anymore.
- [groans]
What the hell?
All I want is a boyfriend like Ken Takakura.
Come on, universe. I'm not asking for much here.
Why is life so cruel?
Hmm?
[all laughing] - God dammit.
- Man.
- What're you lookin' at, doofus?
[scoffs]
- Wait, uh...
- Put this magnet in it.
- This is gonna hurt. [both gasping]
- So, what'cha readin'? Anything cool?
- Huh?
Oh, uh... [groans]
- Buncha losers.
There's nothing but scum in this world.
- [gasps]
- Ah, this sucks!
I need to blow off some steam or I'm gonna hurt someone!
- Miss Momo Ayase! - [gasps]
- I think I know what you're into!
- Huh?
- I think I know what you're into!
- Yeah, you said that twice now.
- There's only one reason someone
like you would talk to me,
and that's the reason you talked to me!
- Sorry, I think you got the wrong idea.
I wasn't looking to be friends with you or anything like that.
Just forget I talked to you. - This is the reason. Look!
Project Pegasus!
The US President went to Mars
and met with aliens!
- Wait, what?
- You're into the occult, aren't you?
- Nah, I don't believe in UFOs and aliens
and that kind of stuff.
- They're not UFOs! They'rel UAPs!
Unidentified Aerial Phenomena!
- I didn't ask. Don't care.
- [grunts] The US military admitted
UAPs exist and reformed their space force!
And now Japan has an aerospace defense force!
Don't you see? Everyone's gearing up
for war in space!
- Okay, bye-bye! - But h--hang on a sec!
There's this new picture of Nessie. Look!
- [groans] - There's also stuff about
Lt. Colonel Jim Channon and Skinwalker Ranch!
- I don't care!
I just got dumped and I'm pissed off at everything,
and the last thing I need right now
is some nerd pushing their nerdy crap in my face!
That right there is why you got no friends!
There's no chance we'll ever be.
[exhales]
Sorry. That was mean.
Here.
- [gasps]
- I don't believe aliens are real
but I believe ghosts are.
- There's no such thing as ghosts!
- What? - [laughing]
- What kind of jerk goes and laughs
at a girl when she's trying to relate to him?
- You shouldn't have mocked the occult!
[both snarling]
- For your information,
my grandma's a real life medium. - What?
- You ever see an exorcism? It's totally insane!
The possessed person goes into full-on convulsions!
- Illnesses cause convulsions, too, you know.
Do you need evidence like this to prove something?
- You ever go for a ride in a UFO with an alien before?
- Only an idiot would jump to conclusions like that!
[both snarling]
- Ooh, she gave up Ken Takakura for some kooky otaku.
- Yeah, right?
She ain't even tryin' to hide it.
- Get it, girl.
- I dare you to go to someplace haunted,
and the deal is if you end up seeing a ghost,
you have to be my gopher!
- Only if you go where there's UFOs--I mean UAPs,
and if you see an alien th--then you have to admit they're real
and be my gopher!
- Where did you send me? This place is mega creepy.
Why would aliens hang out here?
- Nagi Hospital is widely known to be a UFO hot spot!
If you go up to the roof,
you're bound to get abducted by one!
- Wait, what do you mean, "abducted?"
- That's when an alien kidnaps you
and does experiments on your body.
- Hold on. Have they experimented on you?
- Of course! I think. - Huh?
- Usually the people who get abducted by aliens
have their memories wiped.
- Have you seen a UFO before or not?
- You know regressive hypnosis?
- Oh, great. Dodging the question.
- It doesn't matter if I saw one!
All that matters is I have prof they exist
and you don't have proof they don't.
- [groans] Shut up.
Anyway, you find my place yet?.
- I found it.
It doesn't look bad.
Okay, I'll start heading inside now!
I'll prove there's no such thing as ghosts!
- Oh, you sound scared.
FYI, that place is super haunted.
That's what folks say online.
- [retching]
[wind howling]
- [gasps]
[gasps]
- [chanting]
- Ghosts hate loud noises. That's what folks say.
- [chanting]
- Online.
- What's with this "online" stuff?
You keep saying that but have you ever seen a ghost?
- Nope.
- What?
Before you sounded like you see them all the time!
- Nah, I haven't.
- But you totally acted like you had!
How can you believe in ghosts when you've never seen one?
That's crazy! - It's not crazy at all.
Remember? I told you. My grandma's a medium.
She's the one who raised me. Both my parents are dead.
- Oh, uh, I'm so sorry.
- Don't get all sad and mopey on my account.
[groans] My family's weird,
and I'm just trying to tell you where I'm coming from.
Whenever I went out I had to do this ritual pose
for good luck.
Grandma made me hold that pose
the whole way to school.
'Course all the boys laughed at me,
and if I didn't do it,
Grandma'd get mad and I'd feel bad about that.
Then the worst happened.
The boy I liked started making fun of me, too.
I hated my grandma for that.
I told her, "Now the boy I like hates me
'cause of your dumb ritual."
I don't remember exactly but
it was something horrible like that.
We didn't speak for a long time after that.
And I never did the ritual again.
But, like, I get super pissed
if I find out someone's making fun of her.
In the end...
I didn't hate the fact that the boy I liked didn't like me.
No, what I hated was that the boy I liked made fun
of my grandma.
The truth is...
My grandma and her being a medium were special to me.
And I loved that.
She took me in and raised me all by herself.
That's why I believe in what she does.
And that's also why I believe in ghosts, too.
And now it's your turn to tell me why you believe in aliens.
- Huh?
I--I don't think that matters.
- Oh, don't give me that.
Of course it matters.
- You don't need to have a reason to like something.
- Yeah, I guess you don't.
I like this version of you, Occult-kun.
Straight talk, no B.S.
[electric sparking]
- Huh? Y--You think so?
I guess it's 'cause you're so easy to talk to...
[gasps]
- I'll let you suckle my teats, boy.
[slurping]
If you let me gobble your dong.
- A ghost! - No, wait! You shouldn't run!
- [screaming] - Running's not good!
- I don't believe it!
She's no ghost, just an old lady!
Yeah, that's it! - Stop running!
- Just a creepy, weird old lady...
- Folks online say running's a bad idea!
- [grunts]
I'm pretty sure that's not a ghost back there!
I just bumped into a horny old drag lady out for a walk!
- Okay, if you're running, don't let her catch up to you!
Folks online say if turbo grany outruns you,
she'll put a curse on you!
- [screaming]
- What happened? Why are you screaming?
Hello? Are you there?
Ah, this is so not good.
I hope when I get to him he's not dead.
[grunts]
[lights clicking]
[stammering]
All right, I'll go the other way.
[grunts]
[clothes ripping]
[gasps]
- Greetings, female human.
[gasping]
We are Serpoians.
We are called that because we come from the planet Serpo.
- Aliens?
- Do not be afraid. We are a friendly species.
- In my experience,
friendly guys don't go around stripping girls naked!
Where are my clothes?
- We have handled your belongings with care,
as you see. - Oh, my God.
You're paying for those!
Get me out of this thing right now!
I'm going home! [clicking]
- Our species is all male.
Therefore, we must reproduce using cloning technology.
- You hear me? I wanna leave!
- Since we are identical,
evolution does not occur,
resulting in conflict being eradicated,
along with emotion.
- For our species to regain reproductive functions,
we require the use of your banana organs.
- What?
- We shall have intercourse with you,
after which we will extract your uterus along with your bananas
for research purposes.
- The hell you will!
I've might have dated a loser-ass scumbag,
but I'd never let him take my virginity!
I'm saving it for a Ken Takakura I haven't even met yet!
And there's no way you aliens are taking it!
[groaning]
[bizarre humming]
[groans]
[buzzing]
- We will now use psychokinesis
to control your brain waves and arouse you.
- [groans]
- How does it feel? Is your body getting warmer?
- [groaning]
No! [grunts]
- You are resisting our psychokinesis.
You have a strong will.
However, we shall begin.
- No! Stop!
[cell phone ringing]
all: Hmm?
[ringing continues]
- Someone with incredibly bad timing
is trying to contact you.
[blow lands] [groans]
[squelching]
[crunches] Oh?
[clangs] Oh.
[glass shattering]
[buzzing and beeping]
- [gasps]
- I'm sorry, Miss Ayase!
She was a ghost!
Turbo granny caught me and put a curse on me!
- Oh, my God, Occult-kun! Get me out of this thing!
- Using a smartphone for teleportation
is a technology we do not yet have.
Who are you?
- Do something! Help me!
I--I can't control myself!
[bones snapping]
- I'm gonna gobble all your dongs!
- Dude, would you get a grip?
- Attention, male human.
We did not authorize your intrusion.
You will either leave immediately or...
[buzzing]
Give us your banana.
- Kill me.
Six senses.
[booming]
My psychokinesis cannot lock--oh.
[thuds] Oof.
- You have taken his banana, you banana thief.
Serpogrametry.
[booming]
- [groans] - Occult-kun!
- We have a friendly relationship with humans
and have never encountered such an aggressive one before.
Please give us your banana. - Fine, take it!
Take whatever I have!
All I ever wanted was to meet an alien!
I never had any friends and I thought if anyone
would be friends with me, it'd be aliens!
Ever since grade school I've been staring up at the sky
and calling out for you guys to show up!
But you never did!
No matter how many times I called out to you,
you never came!
There I was bullied by kids and ignored by aliens.
My life sucked!
No one gave a crap if I was alive or dead.
But Miss Ayase,
she's the only one who stood up for me!
So get your lousy hands off her!
I won't let anyone hurt her!
You hear me?
I'd do anything for her! I'd turn into a monster for her!
- Get him, Occult-kun!
Kick all their asses!
- [grunts] Fie.
- [shouts]
Sorry, I don't think I can save you.
- You barely even tried to!
[grunts]
- We cannot be friends with violent humans like you,
and besides, we prefer female humans to the male ones anyway.
[metal clangs] I shall now commence
with the arousal. - [groaning]
[grunting]
- Release your chi. - I don't wanna.
All the other kids make fun of me 'cause of it.
I look stupid.
- No, you don't.
By releasing your chi you won't ever get hurt or sick.
It'll also keep evil away.
Now, firm up the muscles in your tummy.
And picture your chi shooting up from the top of your head.
- [laughing] She's doing it again!
[children laughing] - [groans]
I hate it! I won't do it again!
- Momo, wait!
- I hate you, Grandma! You're a fake!
Why am I remembering that now?
I didn't hate my grandma.
I was just embarrassed, is all.
- Now, firm up the muscles in your tummy.
Picture your chi shooting up.
[glass shattering]
[all gasping]
- Miss Ayase, you never said you had psychic powers!
- I--I didn't know I had them, either.
- My psychokinesis is being repelled by
a greater force.
What happened?
Perhaps the female human's brainwaves were overstimulated,
granting access to her chakra.
- She's not a fake!
My grandma's an honest-to-God medium!
Thanks, Grandma!
Now I got the power to take these creeps on!
And send them flying!
[bones snapping]
[booming]
[beeping and sputtering]
- [screams]
We're in a real UFO!
Where are you, Occult-kun?
We need to leave!
[bones snapping]
[groans] Ow!
Quit fighting me, you dummy!
Would you snap out of it already?
- [wailing]
[rumbling]
- Turbo granny?
- Who the hell are you?
- [groaning]
- Granny's out of his body, but he's still under her curse!
- The kid's dong is all mine,
and as long as I've got it,
the curse ain't gonna be lifted from him!
I can't stay here long, so if you want it back,
go to the tunnel.
If you wanna fight me, fight me there.
You tacky little bitch!
- Who you calling tacky, you wrinkly old ghost head?
Give him his pecker back!
[booming] [screams]
Holy crap, if we don't get off this thing, we're dead!
Ooh, would you get up already? We gotta go!
[engines wailing]
[booming]
[buzzing]
[door clangs] [grunts]
That sucked.
[sizzling]
I was snatched by aliens.
Guess I believe in them now.
- And I got cursed by a ghost. I believe in them now.
- So what are we supposed to do from here?
- How should I know?
- Well, if I stop using my power to block your curse,
you'll go ape shit again. - Sorry about that.
- Thanks to those jagoffs, I lost my clothes,
my wallet, my phone.
- What do we do about getting rid of this curse?
- Turbo granny's the cause of it so we have to beat
the crap out of her, obviously.
- Oh, right.
Guess I'll go back to the tunnel.
- Wait, now?
- Take my clothes so you don't go home like that.
- Hang on. Without me, you can't control yourself.
- This is all my fault. - [gasps]
- This all happened 'cause of me.
I won't get you involved in whatever happens next.
I'll force myself to get to the tunnel somehow.
What else can I do?
- You can ask me to come with you, that's what.
I can't leave you alone after everything that's happened.
Heck, if I wasn't around, you'd be dead right now!
- Are you sure?
You don't have to, you know.
- I'm going with you, and that's that.
Here. Put 'em on.
Let's go. - Listen.
Sorry. I'm an awkward guy.
- Huh?
- Could you please put these on already?
I'm worried I won't be able to think straight.
[heartbeat] - [gasps]
Why is my heart beating so fas?
No way!
He just happened to say one
of Ken Takakura's lines.
That's all!
Calm down. No biggie.
[earrings rattling]
- Um, my memory for names is awful.
So, what'd you say yours was, again?
- Oh, I'm Ken.
Ken Takakura.
[booming]
[thudding]
[Zutomayo's "Taidada"]
♪ ♪
[Zutomayo singing in Japanese]
♪ ♪
- Aliens are real!
- Yeah, and so are ghosts!
- Now that we know both aliens and ghosts are real,
means it's possible that other phenomena like cryptids and st-
- Yeah, yeah, I get it! Let's do this!
- Next time-- - Uh, next time--
both: "That's a Space Alien, ain't it?"
- [grunts] We're supposed to be in sync!