[distant animal howling]
[owl hooting]
[children chattering]
[laughter]
[children howling]
[child] Hurry up!
Come on! Keep up!
[clattering]
- [TV broadcast playing] - [child] [whispers] He's sleeping. Shh!
[children shushing]
[lights zapping]
[pounding]
[zaps, sparks]
[electricity whirring]
[♪ carnival music playing]
- [gate creaks] - [children chattering]
- [child 1] Woo! - [child 2] Full power!
[ride whirring]
♪
[yelling, screaming]
[zaps]
[clanking]
[♪ distorted carnival music playing]
[groggy] Hey. What in the hell?
[grunting] Oh, Jesus.
[electric sparks popping]
- [children shouting] - [child] Come on!
Hey! I know you!
- [children laughing] - You're the Kicklighter kids!
- Get back here! I see you! - [indistinct chatter]
Get outta here! [pants] And don't come back!
- See ya later! - Yeah, later, dude.
[children shouting]
[♪ "Joy to the World" by John Fiddy & John Fiddy Champagne Band playing]
[speaker] Carol, hello? Carol, you there?
Carol, can you hear me?
[Carol Whittaker] [over phone] I can hear you.
[speaker] I just lost you a second.
Cell service sucks around here.
It's just all mud and barns and mud, you'd love it.
[Carol] I don't have time for a traffic report, Michael.
I called you because you're not at the office
and you have a lot of work that needs to be
on my desk by tomorrow morning.
I know, I need the weekend to finish it. I need 'til Monday, okay?
I let Barbara know before I left.
I told her, and then I sent a follow-up text.
- She didn't tell you? - [Carol] It's three weeks 'til Christmas.
Think of your bonus.
You picked a bad time to leave Chicago.
It's a family emergency. I didn't pick it, alright?
[Carol] You're not their guardian. What are you even doing there?
I just gotta sign some documents
and tie up some loose ends on her estate or whatever.
[Carol] The presentation is next week.
This is a big deal for the company.
If I need to find someone else to do your work, I will. Got it?
Carol, I got it, okay? I'm gonna kick some butt.
It's being done. You won't even know I'm gone.
- [Carol cutting out] - I said you won't even...
Hello?
I can't... No, no. Now you're... I can't hear you, alright.
[call ends]
[sighs] Won't even know I'm gone.
♪
- Come on. Dude. - [honking]
- [honks] - [engine revving]
[♪ "Joy to the World" continues]
- [feces squishes] - [♪ music stops]
[Michael groans]
- [dog barking] - [chickens clucking]
Ugh!
Where have you been?
[Michael Maxwell] Hey. Julia, right?
We said noon, it's almost three.
Yeah, no, I know. It said it was a five-hour drive,
then it took two hours just to get outta Chicago.
It was a nightmare.
We know each other. 'Member, from my sister's wedding?
We all went to the boathouse after...
and then...
[Julia groans]
- ...the - [unsure] Yeah.
- Yeah. - Yeah, I remember.
Yeah, it's a positive, good thing.
It's fine, whatever. Look, my flight is in less than two hours.
- Hope I can make it. - Nice to see you.
- Wow, um... - Yeah, yeah.
I don't think she expected to be sleeping on a couch for a month.
- Yeah, just been crazy at work. - I'm Gretchen Rice.
I'm with Family Services.
Okay. Oh, yeah. You're Gretchen, from the email.
Yeah, I got that, and, uh, I talked to that attorney.
- How can I help? - Just look after them,
until I can find them a foster home.
I thought you found a foster home. You said that you...
I was supposed to just come here for the, um... to sign
the-the-the handoff.
Yeah, that family didn't pass the background check,
so we're back to square one.
- Okay, so what does that mean? - That means that you're in charge.
- I'm not... - They are homeschooled,
so there's a state-mandated curriculum
- that you're gonna have to abide by. - [clattering]
- [peacock squealing] - [speaker] Get out!
Oh, boys were trying to give the peacock a bubble bath.
I had to lay down the hammer.
- Who's this, the guardian? - Uh, the what? No. Who?
You belong to the Kicklighter boys?
I... No. "Belong" is... I don't think that's the right term...
Yeah, well, those delinquents,
they hot-wired a carnival ride the other night.
Chewed up the whole drive mechanism.
$1,200 worth of damages,
plus 75 bucks worth of fried Oreos and Twinkies.
I'm sorry, you want me to pay for this?
Also, the, uh, rent on your sister's dance studio is past due.
So, you need to either settle that up or vacate the premises, rickety-tick.
Janet had a dance studio?
Yeah, the, uh, the old school house.
- It's, uh, right around the corner. - Oh.
Good day to you, ma'am.
Ah, I like the yellow Ferrari. [chuckles]
I'm sorry. I'm really confused.
I mean, just 'cause I have to be in Chicago on Monday.
I'm sorry, I just... there's something that I...
I mean, maybe Tuesday morning,
but it's really something I can't move.
There is one family I'm looking at,
but I won't know anything until tomorrow.
Okay, great. Well, just call me as soon as you hear anything.
Alright? 'Cause...
You know, there's no cell phone service here or Wi-Fi,
so you are gonna have to come to the office.
The address is on card.
And in the meantime, I'll give you this. This may be helpful.
- Oh, no. No. - Yeah.
Uh...
I'm sorry to meet you under these circumstances.
[♪ curious music playing]
[dog whining]
[dog panting]
[Michael] Hi.
[dog whines, pants]
[door creaking]
♪
[rattling]
[softly] Jesus.
Hello?! Children! It's your Uncle Michael!
- [cat meows] - Whoa.
- [clattering] - [pigs grunting]
♪
- [♪ music stops] - [clock ticking]
[animals whining]
[chicken clucking]
[ambient nature sounds]
[shouts] Hey!
[engine whirring]
Hello?!
[chicken squawks]
[normal] Oh, hello.
How ya doin'? Wanna come down?
Doesn't look too safe up there.
[children running in the distance]
- Hi! Hey! Guys! - [dog barking]
- [goat bleating] - A-ha! There they are.
Hey, dudes.
I'm Michael. 'Member me?
Your Uncle Michael? Your mom's big brother.
Been a while.
[bubblegum pops]
Oh, okay.
Let's see. Justice, right?
And is that Junior in there?
And you two, I haven't met.
[animals bleating]
Do you guys speak at all?
[bubble pops]
Okay, right. Anyway...
I hope you, uh, got that Eternal Peace edible arrangement I sent.
Yeah, I'm really sorry.
Your mom, Janet, she was...
a very special lady.
[bubble pops]
And Steve, too, he was... he was also loved.
But I'm here now, in Ohio, to, uh, look after you for the weekend,
get you guys hooked up with a family.
So, in the meantime, I'm gonna be, uh...
I gotta get the final numbers plugged in
for the presentation for the pitch I have next week.
So, uh...
so, yeah, if you need anything at all, you guys let me know, alright?
I love this. This is great.
Good to see you, man.
[chickens clucking]
[goats bleating]
Think fast.
[ball clatters]
[♪ mischievous music playing]
[pebble clatters]
Okay, ha-ha.
- [canister clanks] - [♪ music stops]
S... Hey!
[♪ mischievous music resumes]
[sighs]
- [ball thuds] - Oww!
Ow!
[door creaking]
- [snake hissing] - [shouting]
Ha-ha... ha-ha.
♪
So funny I forgot to laugh.
[water dripping]
[♪ music stops]
[crunching]
Maybe when I come up for air, we can go to the store
and I can get a few, uh... something nutritional.
Like, from actual food groups.
[loud crunching]
[squirting]
Somebody likes ketchup.
"What's your story, Uncle Michael?"
Oh, thanks for asking.
Well, I live in Chicago.
Got a nice two and two on the 14th floor,
looking over Lake Michigan, beautiful view.
Chaka Khan lives right below me.
You guys know who Chaka Khan is?
[slurps]
[singing] ♪ Chaka Khan, let me rock you ♪
♪ Let me rock you, Chaka Khan ♪
"Oh, yeah! That Chaka Khan, yeah. Yeah. Does Rufus live there too?"
Well, no, actually, Rufus isn't a person.
That's the name of the band she started with,
but, uh, I thought that too.
I'm senior development manager for the Millican Group.
The Millican Group is one of the top five commercial
real estate developers in the Midwest.
We're one of two finalists chasing the RFP
on the redevelopment of a railroad switching yard
north of Lincoln Park.
"Wow, that sounds like a pretty bold and risky venture.
"I mean, considering the current economic climate
"and, you know, skyrocketing interest rates
and fluctuating property values."
Oh, yeah, definitely, but gotta be in it to win it, right?
We're about to make our final presentation
to the Office of Planning and Development.
And rumor has it that, uh,
- the mayor might be sitting in, so... - [Simon farts]
[giggling]
[sniffs]
- [softly] Fart smeller says what? - Wh-What?
- I farted. - [Junior Kicklighter] He farted.
Farted, ugh. Come on.
- Okay. - A little piece of poop.
- [Justice Kicklighter] It stinks. - Ew, okay, no, no, no.
Don't say that at the table. Alright, that's...
- [Samuel fake retching] - Okay. Alright.
Okay, you know what? That's... it's not cool.
You don't do that at the table.
- 'Kay, do you know manners? - [Samuel fake retches]
Huh? Did your parents ever teach you manners?
Could you stop throwin' those little things?
What are you throwing?
Obviously, you all talk, okay? And you like to fart. Ow!
- Bullseye. [laughs] - You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna clear out the stinks, okay?
And then you guys can take a second to deal with your spilt milk
and think about why you're being such little brats.
You're not even a real uncle.
Yeah, well, that's what the email said.
I guess what mom said about you is true, then.
What'd she say?
What did she say about me?
She said that you were incapable of love.
That's stupid.
[♪ defeated music playing]
♪
[Junior] 'Night, Mike.
It's Michael.
[TV playing]
♪
[chicken clucking]
Oh, hello.
- [lock rattles] - Mm.
[Justice] Hey, I'm in here!
Oh... wow.
What's goin' on in here? Little party in the pantry?
None of your business.
Mm-hm.
- Homework? - No, a letter.
Ooh, love letter?
Got a crush?
Maybe.
Girlfriend, or...?
Okay.
'Night.
- Hey, Mike? - Yeah?
When I wake up tomorrow, you still gonna be here?
Should be, if you play your cards right.
And it's Michael.
[sighs]
[♪ gentle harmonica music playing]
Shh.
♪
[whispering] Now, come on.
[strikes match]
♪
[♪ music fades out]
[ambient nature sounds]
[rooster crows]
- [shouts] - [guinea pig squealing]
Oh! Ah!
- Help! - [squealing]
Hello?!
Alright, hey, you know what? You guys should go outside, right?
Come on. Come on outside. You guys are... outside animals, right?
- [pigs grunting] - Okay.
[gurgling, dripping]
[♪ "Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO playing in distance]
[vehicle engine whirring]
[children cheering]
[engine revving]
[Justice] Woo-hoo!
We got it, Samuel!
Yeah!
- This is awesome! - [children shouting]
[Junior] Keep going!
[Michael] Get the hell out of that car now!
Kid, get outta that car!
Hey! Get out!
That's an expensive...
- [engine revs] - Stop! What are you doing?
I wanna jump the pool. The swimming pool!
We built a ramp and everything.
I mean, we do it all the time on our bikes and it's awesome.
We even put the trampoline there to soften the landing.
You're talking like that could actually happen.
This car cannot go over that wagon and jump over that... tub.
It's a physical impossibility.
It is! I'm sorry, come on. Get outta the car.
[engine shuts off]
- Gimme the keys. - Do you think I look cool?
Yeah, you look great. Hey, Mr. Attitude,
you do not touch the Porsche ever, okay?
You wanna do donuts and build ramps and swimming pools,
do it with something your own size.
What the hell is that music you have in there?
[Samuel Kicklighter] I like that song.
It's whatever. It's, it's, it's music.
It's like party music, like a party in a car. [chuckles]
- Yeah... - [Simon Kicklighter] Party music!
Alright, well, you know what?
We all have our things, okay? Alright? I like to rock out in my car.
You like to sleep in the pantry.
- I like party music. - Yeah?
Yeah, and I like to rock out.
Cool, thank you.
Okay, you know what? I gotta make a very important
grown-up phone call here and I need cell phone reception.
And I... Where's the nearest cell phone reception?
- Cell reception? - Cell recept... cell reception.
[Simon] You're in the sticks, homie!
- What?! - You go that way about 10 miles.
Ten miles?
Ten miles to the tree that looks like a rocket.
You turn there, go one or two miles past where the Reddens used to live.
Then you go down that one long dirt road,
and then when you see a bunch of cows, then you'll have reception.
Or you could try over there by the pond.
Oh, by the pond. Oh. Okay. So, alright, so that's...
You're just totally messing with me then.
[Junior] If you go halfway, you can get two bars.
You get service in the middle of the pond? Seriously?
So, how am I supposed to...
[♪ mischievous music playing]
The canoe is filled with ice and sludge.
This one has a hole in it.
[Simon] This one works.
[icy water sloshes]
[Justice] [shouts] Are you getting anything?!
[shouts] No, nothing! [normal] What?
[Simon] [shouts] How 'bout now?
He's gonna fall and drown.
[Justice] [shouts] Be careful of water moccasins!
[shouts] Really?! There's snakes in here?!
It's 400 feet deep!
Oh, wait a minute! I got something, I got something!
[Justice] [shouts] You got it, right?!
You look like a dummy!
I got it! I got it, I got a bar! I got... Ah!
[water splashes]
- Ooh! Ooh! - [children laughing]
- [cheering] - [Samuel] You're an idiot!
[indistinct shouting]
♪
[♪ "Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy" by Tchaikovsky playing on record player]
Okay, tricksters. Okay, you win.
- Woo! I surrender. - [kids chattering]
But Uncle Michael's not happy about it.
Still have to make this call, so I'm just gonna find the tree
that looks like a rocket.
And, uh, turn where the Reddens used to live.
And, uh, look for some cows.
Try not to burn the place down while I'm gone, okay?
Or you know what? Do burn it down, I don't care.
Do what you want, big deal. Smell ya later.
Hey, Barb, it's Michael. She's expecting me.
[Barbara] [over phone] Um, she's already stepped into her 10 o'clock.
[sighs] Okay, well, can you let her know I have an update for her?
[Barbara] Okay, an update?
Yeah, I made the preliminary cost analysis,
but I wanna add some issues from the site inspection
when I get the surveys,
- if I get the surveys. - [car honking]
She's not in with Devin, is she?
[Barbara] I know. Ugh. He just went in there.
Disgusting.
Oh, no. Okay. You have to do me a favor.
Barb, I need you to walk into the meeting
and give my numbers directly to Carol.
Just don't let Devin see them, alright?
The net operating income after the debt service
should be $7,256,113.
Just put it in her hands, alright? Thank you.
Hey, hi.
Sorry, just, uh, work stuff, but it's, it's done.
- Can I get ya a coffee or anything? - Uh, no, I'm okay.
Yeah, just in the last 24 hours,
I had a snake jump out at me from a toilet,
I woke up in bed with some sort of rodent,
and, uh, I, uh, almost froze to death when I fell into this freezing pond,
- so, yeah, it's just been, been a lot. - Yeah, they're grieving kids.
They've been through a lot.
So, how are we doin'?
I wish I had better news,
but the family that we hoped to put the boys with...
they fell through.
Okay, well, did they sign a letter of intent?
'Cause those can sometimes hold up in court.
With Christmas in three weeks, we have very limited options.
Okay, well, maybe I can, uh, rent a van and run 'em up to Chicago.
You know, where places like this might have a little more staff,
a little more horsepower, be able to cast a wider net.
Okay, but don't forget, they have a lot of animals to take care of.
- It's a working farm. - Yeah...
Okay, well, this might be hard for you to appreciate,
but I am in the middle of a deal that I've been working on for six years.
Okay? And I have 'til the end of the month
to get the city's approval and to line up the capital stack.
And I've got this dumbass young executive, this guy, Dogface Devin,
who is basically trying to snake my job out from under me.
And if I don't get back in the next couple of days,
he actually might do it, so it's just...
I'm dealing with a lot right now.
- Dogface? - I just... I call him "Dogface"
'cause he does this, like, poor little Basset Hound, "poor me" thing,
but he actually is... I mean, he's got like...
he's got, like, dead eyes, you know, when you look at him.
He's just, like, like, dead eyes. Like, there's nothing behind 'em.
Like, a very scary way.
Okay... let's just look at the bigger picture here.
There are more lives at stake here than just yours.
We're talking about four little kids who lost their parents.
- Yeah, I know, and I lost my sister, okay? - Yes, you're right.
- Yeah. - I know.
Why don't we just both... take a deep breath?
Okay.
[both exhaling]
[exhales] 'Kay.
- I'm breathing. - Yeah, we're gonna figure it out.
[Justice] One for you, one for me.
- You gotta put your card... - No, we have to put 10 cards.
[Justice] No, the Jack, the Jack wins that.
- [Samuel] Oh! No. - [♪ party music thumping]
- Hey, guys! He's coming. He's coming. - [car shuts off]
- [shushing] - [door opens]
- Be cool. - He's coming!
- [Michael] Hey! Ah! - Hey, stop!
- [crosstalk] - What?
[Justice] He's gonna do a triple front flip.
Alright, I just don't want him to hurt himself, alright?
[Junior] Well, look who's back.
You guys are good? You held down the fort, huh?
- [Justice] We want chicken. - [Junior] We're hungry.
- [Michael sighs] - We want chicken.
Chicken, good. Yeah, protein.
- Alright, yeah, I like that. - Chicken.
I don't think you have any.
[Junior] You won't find any in the fridge.
- [crosstalk] - Ugh!
[Justice] They want fresh chicken.
- They're out in the pen. - [Junior] In the coop.
Oh, no, we're not gonna... do fresh chicken.
- I mean, I don't know how to... - [Junior] It's easy!
You just have to cut off the head.
- I will... I'm a great cook. - [Justice] Yeah, Junior's a great cook,
- he could take care of it. - [Junior] Yeah.
Yeah. I just... I've never butchered a chicken.
I've never killed an animal.
Even that crazy lady did it.
- The what? - [Samuel] Red hair.
The one that was watchin' us,
even she knew how to harvest a chicken.
- She killed a chicken? - [Justice] Yeah.
[Samuel] The one that looked like a proboscis monkey.
Julia? She killed a chicken?
- She had caterpillar eyelashes. - [Simon] Really weird.
She's... well, she's, you know, got her own vibe.
She just took a big axe and she was like... [whooshing sounds]
[Justice] It was running around all crazy-like with its head off.
- It was like this. - [Simon] Chop, chop!
[crosstalk]
I find that hard to believe that she actually killed a chicken.
Hungry!
- You're not a real man. - I am a... Yes, I'm a man.
[Justice] A real man would kill the chicken for us.
- Okay, guys... - You're a businessman.
- [Justice clucking] - [sighs] Okay, okay.
- Just break the neck! - Pluck it.
- [Junior] Yeah, break its neck. - Rip its guts out.
Cut its legs off!
Pluck it, cook it, put it in a pot.
[Junior] [whispers] Yummy.
- [pigs grunting] - [faucet dripping]
[chickens clucking outside]
You guys know how to do all the...
- [Junior] Dirty work? - [Justice] Just do it.
- [children] Do it! Do it! - ...cleaning part and everything?
[children] Pluck it, cook it, put it in a pot.
[all] Pluck it, cook it, put it in a pot.
- Pluck it, cook it, put it in a pot. - [Samuel] Take the guts out!
Pluck it, cook it, put it in a pot.
Okay, let's go! Come on, let's go!
Okay, chickens, who wants to die?
[♪ "Chicken Walk" by Hasil Adkins playing]
- [chickens clucking] - [children shouting]
♪
♪ Come on, baby, do the chicken-chicken walk ♪
Here. Here. Ha!
♪ Quiver yourself from head to toe ♪
♪ Do your stuff wherever you go ♪
- ♪ Do your stuff up on the floor ♪ - [squawking]
- [children shouting] - Which is a good one?
Which is a good one? Come on, come on, come on. Ahh!
Woo-hoo!
Come on. Come on, come on, come on. Ooh! Ow.
- [shouting] - [pig grunting]
♪ Push in and a-push out, push in and a-push out ♪
- ♪ Push in and a-push-push-push-push out ♪ - [groaning]
- Oh! - I got it!
I got it, I got it! Gimme the axe!
You passed the test. We'll take it from here.
[Simon] That's Elizabeth.
- [chickens clucking] - [panting]
[loud eating]
You said her name was Elizabeth?
Delish-abeth. [chuckles]
[Michael] Hm.
Don't act like you don't know where your food comes from.
No, I know. I just...
- Do you even like it? - [Michael] Mm.
Mm-hm, I love it.
Just, like, grateful for the, you know, connection to, like...
[Justice] You just killed it.
Yeah, I feel a connection to the... and grate...
It's like what, you know, grateful to the Earth
- for giving it to us or whatever. - [chuckles]
- Why aren't you eating Elizabeth? - [Justice] Me?
- [Michael] Mm-hm. - I'm vegetarian.
[bell ringing]
Time for school.
I thought you guys didn't go to school.
- [Junior] We're homeschooled. - [Michael] Homeschool?
[Justice] Child Service lady checks the logbook every time she visits.
- [mouthful] It's the law. - It's what?
- [Samuel] The law. - The law. Oh, okay.
So, why don't you guys go to a real school?
'Cause all they teach you is how to be like everyone else.
Yeah.
Plus, our mom and dad used to live on this big ranch
- with a whole bunch of people and... - It was ginormous.
...their leader said that he was a savior from the moon of Jupiter.
- He was actually a liar. - Yeah, no, I know.
[Justice] Well, Dad found out he was a liar
and Dad didn't like that,
and he didn't want anybody else ever telling us what to think.
- Not even at school. - [Junior] Yeah.
Hm. Alright, so what do you want me to teach you?
[children] [whispering] Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
- Oh, my God. Alright. - Sex is today's lesson.
Okay, "babies plus privates equals..."
- No, "boobies". - [Michael] Oh, "boobies", sorry.
"Boobies plus privates equals babies."
- Okay, who wrote that? - [Justice] It's true.
It's... Well, sort of, I mean,
- part of the equation. - [whispering] S-E-X.
- [Michael] Whoa, okay. - This is the man's. This is the...
[Michael] No, that's actually the woman's.
- That's the man's. - Fallopian tubes.
- [crosstalk] - No, dick... vagina.
No, this is the... Not the dick.
- It's the... - Why is the dick so floppy?
Okay. It's not... We don't call it that.
We call it the penis.
But you said that to us.
I used it in trying to correct you, but it's...
It can be, like, somebody's name, but you don't say it...
- He's not a expert like us. - [Michael] Okay.
[chickens clucking]
Alright, so you guys know about sex, a little bit.
Tell me what you know already and then...
It's like birds and the bees,
but the bees stick their stinger in the bird's butt.
- No, it's like when Mabel and Daisy... - Okay.
...hump each other and get stuck.
Who?
- [Samuel] The pigs. - The pigs get stuck.
The boy and girl like...
It's when they get on top and then they bump it.
- Oh. - And they pump it.
[Junior] No, you dummy.
It's when Mom and Dad go in the room,
lock the door, and make funny noises.
It's how you make babies.
Only if you're not careful. [laughs]
No, um, sex is how two people show each other
how much they like each other.
- Sperms! [chuckles] - [Michael] That's, that's it.
Sperms are released when the man puts...
- his part into the... - Gross.
- [fake retching] - You mean the wiener-dick-penis?
- [Junior] No, just dick! - Just penis.
- Just penis. No wiener or dick. - Dick-penis.
- Those are... Not... It's not... - It goes wiener, dick, penis.
Those are all three names for the same thing.
- [crosstalk] - Weiner, dick, and penis
- are three names for the same thing. - And my word for it is dick.
- Okay. - This is a lot.
[♪ "Good Morning Mr. Morning" by Brainchild playing]
♪ Good morning, Mr. Morning ♪
♪ It's good to see your face ♪
♪ It's nice to know that you're still hangin' 'round ♪
[goat bleats]
♪ I see you brought your friends the birds ♪
♪ It's always nice to hear their words ♪
♪ And know that they're not all Southern-bound ♪
♪ The morning seems the best time ♪
- [giggling, shrieks] - ♪ To greet yourself and say ♪
♪ Good morning, good to see you... ♪
I'm just saying, do you wanna go with a real plan, Carol,
or Devin's wish-casting long shot?
- 'Cause that's what it is. - [Carol] [over phone] Are you done?
No, could you do me a favor?
Could you, uh, just pop over to my place
and feed my fish and water my fern?
[Carol] Feed your f... I'm prepping for this presentation.
- Okay. Uh... - [Carol] This needs to be done by Monday.
- Okay. - [Carol] Just get home
and water your own damn plant.
- 'Kay? Thank you. - Oh, okay, thank you.
[♪ "Spreading the Love" by Andrew Kingslow & Petrina Smith playing in bar]
Hey.
Hi.
♪
[indistinct bar chatter]
- Better now? - A little... You?
[Michael] Mm.
I never thought I would move back home, but it's actually nice.
- I get to connect to people... - Hm.
...in a way that's meaningful to me
- and spend time with my parents. - Great.
Ooh, thank you. He'll have another, please.
Everybody says she was a great dancer, your sister.
She was. She was really talented.
She went to ballet school in New York.
- Is that where you lived? - No, I was in Chicago.
She was in New York. She was in New York,
and then she moved to New Jersey.
That's when she met the ice cream guy... Captain Bebop.
- Captain Bebop? - Yeah.
- What is that? - Well, I mean, that was,
that was his ice cream name.
His real name was Steve Kicklighter.
And he was, like, ice cream man?
- Yeah. - Like, in the truck?
She dropped out of school
and just, like... started this whole universe with this guy.
And then, you know, they moved down here,
and to do what, I don't know, you know, like, make ice cream
and take over his father's farm?
And have four beautiful children.
Yeah, she just had a lot of potential.
They wanted a different life.
Anyway, whatever happened to the ice cream?
Um...
you know, money became an issue...
and he asked me for a loan
and I gave it to him and I didn't tell her.
And then, she found out... and then we got into it.
She got really mad that I hadn't told her and... anyway.
After that, we sort of stopped talking. Just, you know?
And now she's gone.
She's not here.
But she's remembered.
That ballet school she started was a big deal in this community.
That's a shame they're impounding it.
Yeah.
[♪ gentle music playing]
[door creaking]
[deep breath]
Go for a walk.
[Samuel] What does "impound" mean?
[Michael] It means they're gonna take it away
because nobody's paying for it.
[Junior] What are we going to do with all this stuff?
Uh, I don't know. I guess we keep a few things
and... throw away things we don't want and leave the rest.
Oh, wow.
Oh... this is my old toy chest.
She kept it.
Hm, that's me, that's your mom.
Wow... it's my sword.
Hey, this is, this is my sword.
It's actually... That was my sword.
I now pronounce you the nuttiest Nutcracker ever,
Sir Poops-A-Lot.
Hm. Your mom used to have this on her nightstand.
- [Simon yelps] - [Justice clatters]
Hey, look.
[Justice] What'd you do that for, Simon?
Cool, right?
We used to put a little desk lamp behind it,
then the sparkles would shine on the wall.
It was really pretty.
And we'd, like, pretend we were in this other dimension.
It was kinda cool.
- [♪ music plays from snow globe] - [children chattering]
- Hey, Junior. - [Junior] Yeah?
- What's this? - Hey, that's my notebook.
[Michael] Oh.
We were going to put on The Nutcracker for Christmas.
- The Nutcracker, the ballet? - Yeah.
Oh, "By Steve Kicklighter, Jr." Junior!
You're Steve. You're junior. Right.
- I always thought it was a stupid story. - Oh.
It's about this girl named Clara that gets a nutcracker for Christmas.
- Mm-hm. - And then, at night, these mice come in
and try to eat her gingerbread men.
And then, the Mouse King comes
and then the Nutcracker kills the Mouse King
and then takes Clara to the land of sweets.
The end. Stupid, right?
That's the actual Nutcracker story?
And the Waltz of the Flowers is the best piece of music
with the most boring part of the story.
- Hm. - So, Junior made a much better story
using only his favorite music.
- That's this? - Yeah.
"Once upon a 50 years ago,
"some people were having a big party
at President Ronald Reagan's house."
- Yeah, wh-why not would they? - "Then Clara's spooky
"Uncle Drosselmeyer came.
"He gave toys like tin soldiers to all the kids
"so they wouldn't be scared of him
"because he had a golf ball eye.
For Clara, he gave her a nutcracker even though she didn't have any nuts."
The Much Better Nutcracker, AKA... The Nutcracker's Mustache.
- [laughs] That's good. - My dad had a mustache.
Yeah. So, basically, it's like a reboot
that takes the original and puts a spin on it
that would piss off Balanchine and Tchaikovsky
and all the people across the ballet universe.
- Yeah! - They would love it.
Like, dead people. Like, Mom and Dad.
Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
[Samuel] Hey, Mike.
- Yeah? - I know karate.
Cool.
[whispers] Hey, Mike.
Hey.
It's, uh, 10:30, guys. Shouldn't you be asleep?
We want a bedtime story.
Mm-hm. No, I'm working, so...
Talk to Justice. I don't do story stuff.
[Justice] I'm writing! Do not disturb!
Mom always told us a story.
Okay, I'm not your mom... I'm Michael.
'Kay?
So, it's not happening.
A long, long time ago, there was a little girl,
- they called her Goldilocks. - That story sucks.
We already heard that story.
O-kay, how 'bout, uh, Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
eating her curds and whey.
- And? - Mm, that's all I got on that one.
- We want somethin' with action and blood. - Yeah, blood.
[Michael] Wow, you guys are pretty hardcore, huh?
Action and blood. Okay.
Okay, got it.
Once upon a time, after the fall of Saigon...
at the end of the Vietnam War,
a man returned home to a country he didn't recognize.
And they used to call him John, but since the war,
- he went by his nickname... Rambo. - [♪ drum music playing]
[both] [whisper] Rambo.
[Michael] One day he arrived in a small town to visit a friend...
only he found out that the friend was dead.
- [gasps] - The mean sheriff
tried to kick him out of the town.
Now, Rambo wasn't lookin' for any trouble.
He didn't take shit from anybody, right?
You better believe it.
Then the mean sheriff threw him in jail
and his three deputies tried to torture him.
So, Rambo kicked one in the nuts. He headbutted the second one.
Then he threw the third one out a window and he got the hell outta there.
And he stole a motorcycle,
ripped it out of a guy's hands in the street,
just rode it off into the woods.
Is that the guy that went to Afghanistan
on a rescue mission?
Yeah, you've heard of him?
Anyway, time passes, a lotta other stuff happens
and, uh, Rambo leaves a monastery
and gets on a plane to Pakistan.
Now, he was very tired,
and the sound of the plane was very relaxing,
so he started to feel sleepy, couldn't keep his eyes open,
laid back in the seat.
His eyelids were just so heavy.
The plane was just so cozy.
All he wanted to do... [whispering] was sleep.
So, he closed his eyes and drifted off.
You go to sleep now.
Sleep.
[yawns]
And no more messing with Michael
while he's finishing his important work project.
[♪ music stops]
[knocking on door]
- Yep? - [Justice] Excuse me, Mike?
- Yeah? - [Justice] I-I have a couple more
questions about what we talked about.
Okay.
What do you wanna know?
[Justice] Can a girl tell if you've never kissed somebody before?
Um...
yeah, maybe.
[Justice] [defeatedly] Mm, really?
Yeah.
[Justice] Are you sure?
Yes... You know the fun thing about being your age
is that you get to find this stuff out as you grow up.
So... it all sort of just happens.
But yeah, just, you know, be nice and...
try not to let your teeth knock into her teeth.
That can happen. And, uh...
Oh, maybe wash, you know, with an antibacterial.
Just, like, rinse it out beforehand.
And maybe after, too.
- Okay? - Wait.
- Hm? - Do you have a girlfriend?
- No. - You don't?
- Nope. - Never?
No. Well, yeah. I mean, yes. Uh...
a long time ago there was, yeah, there was one person
and...
we were together for a while and then... she wanted to get married
and I didn't.
So, we broke up.
So, you're all alone?
No, no. I got friends. Got a lotta friends.
Got a buddy I play squash with. Turkish guy. Very cool guy.
Uh...
people at work, you know?
Yeah, I mean, it's good. I'm happy, I like my life.
Yeah.
Do you think I look like my dad?
Yes... very much so.
[footsteps]
Whoa-whoa-whoa. What are you guys doin' up?
It's sleep time. Why are we not on the couch?
- You're supposed to be asleep. - I had a bad dream about Rambo.
Go back down. No, no, no. Go back downstairs, guys.
Guys, we're not doing this.
- I had a bad dream, too. - Can you tell them we're not doin' this?
[rooster crows]
[vehicle engine whirring]
[Gretchen Rice] I think I found a foster home for the twins.
It's a nice couple in Cincinnati.
I mean, turns out, I actually went to high school with the mom.
We did musical theater together.
She got all the good parts. I just made the costumes.
- [Michael] Jennifer and Brandan. - It's actually Bran-d-yn.
Brandyn? Brandyn. He's... Yeah, they look like they're...
connected? Hm. Yeah, good.
Unfortunately, they can't take all four boys.
So, while the twins will have a home,
you are gonna have to put the older boys in a group home
until I can find placement for them.
Uh, okay.
Okay, and... this is your recommendation?
No, but if you really have to get back to Chicago,
it is the quickest solution.
[indistinct shouting]
- [♪ upbeat music playing outside] - [Junior] Five push-ups, five push-ups.
- [counting] - [overlapping chatter]
[Junior] Come on, useless!
[Samuel] Ooh!
- [Junior] Hey! Jump! - [Justice] Do it!
[Junior] No, you do yours!
[Justice] Ooh. Got the turd flushed down the toilet.
[laughter]
Hey, guys.
♪
Come here.
- Yeah? - [Junior] What?
[Samuel] Yeah?
[Simon] What?
Just... be careful on the roof, okay?
- [children] Okay. - 'Kay.
- [Justice] Come on! Hey! - [Junior] Rejected.
- [Justice] [chuckles] Get another sausage. - [footsteps on roof]
[indistinct shouting]
[Justice] Oh, that was so close.
[Simon] Boom!
[Justice] That's where I shoot from.
[playful chatter continues outside]
- [Michael] Hey. - [Gretchen] Hey.
How did the boys take the news?
Uhh... maybe it'd be best
to find a place that'll take all four of them?
Really?
Yeah, probably best to keep 'em together.
I am so glad to hear that.
I was, [inhales] I was hoping you would say that.
[Michael] Yeah.
- Maybe this place is growing on you. - Hm.
- [glass shatters] - [Gretchen gasps]
[Michael] It's alright.
- Boys. - Yeah, I'm sure it was an accident.
Yeah, yeah. No, I don't figure they were actually
- trying to... Yeah. - Aiming for you.
- [♪ mellow music playing] - [engine whirring]
[Samuel] Bet you wanna take your clothes off with her. Don't you?
[goat bleating]
Boobies plus privates equals babies, right?
Yeah, somethin' like that.
[welding machine whirring]
Hey, guys. I'm goin' to town to get some groceries.
- Any requests? - [children] Yes!
[indistinct shouting]
Alright. Hey, Justice. Justice.
Justice! Justice!
- Justice. - What?
- What are you doin'? - I wanna replace the lug bolt.
- The what? - It got sheered off
last time I was trying to jump stuff and the tire flew off.
- Now I have to replace it. - Okay.
I wanna jump the ramp over the pool
because you said I couldn't use your Porsche.
Got it. Just be careful, alright? Gotta run to the store.
I'm coming with you.
[Michael] Nah, just tell me what you want and I'll get it.
Okay, some Count Chocula.
- Chips! - Protein powder, cottage cheese.
- Pineapples as well. - [crosstalk]
Okay.
- Okay. Alright. - [crosstalk]
I'm not gonna remember this, so I'm gonna write it down, okay?
Just take us with you.
Yeah, you're not gonna fit in the Porsche.
We can take Dad's truck.
Where's Dad's truck?
[children] [singing] ♪ Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop ♪
[♪ "Nothing From Nothing" by Billy Preston playing]
[children continue singing]
♪ Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' ♪
♪ You gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me ♪
♪ Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' ♪
- ♪ You gotta have somethin'... ♪ - So, this was your dad's
primary form of transportation?
[Simon/Samuel/Junior] [singing] ♪ Captain Bebop and his sidekick ♪
- ♪ Creamy ♪ - Oh, yeah!
- [Michael] Hm. - He was, um, renovating it.
Like, you're, uh, renovating the train tracks in Chicago.
Yeah, same idea.
[mimics Michael] You're the top five real estate developers
in the Midwest. Fancy, right?
[♪ "Nothing From Nothing" continues]
[railroad crossing bells dinging]
♪ Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' ♪
- ♪ And I'm not stuffin', believe you me ♪ - You okay, man?
Before we go to the grocery store,
can we make one more stop?
Sure.
[bells dinging]
[indistinct chatter]
[brakes screeching]
[engine squeals, shuts off]
[truck honking]
[♪ gentle music playing]
[Justice] It happened right here.
[Junior] Dad was driving.
[Simon] They were driving this way.
[Samuel] No, they were driving that way.
[Junior] They were driving this way.
- They were driving home. - [Simon] It was raining.
- [Junior] There was an explosion. - [Samuel] No, no there wasn't.
They got turned upside down.
[Simon] People put flowers and pictures on it.
[Michael] You guys made that?
Yeah, we made it after Mom and Dad died.
That's nice.
Oh, I wonder if he wants to adopt us.
- Who? - [Justice] That guy over there.
Aloysius Cornelius Wilmington.
He owns practically the whole town,
and he has a ginormous mansion with a swimming pool,
and his, his wife is right behind him.
She has a wooden leg.
- Really? - Yeah.
She's nocturnal like a marsupial.
[Junior] They could be our mom and dad.
[Michael] That's it, right? That's it.
- [Junior] Yeah, that's it. - [Michael] Okay. Fifty-eight.
- That's the one. - Okay.
Alright, do me a favor. Just wait, like, two minutes
and then come over and say something cute, okay?
[indistinct chatter]
[deli clerk] How many?
- Twenty-five of those, 30 of those. - [deli clerk] Okay, comin' up.
Nice car.
Sorry?
Is that your 'vette out there in the parkin' lot?
- That's yours, right? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, think I saw you gettin' outta there.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, that's mine. - Beautiful. It's like a '58,
- I think, maybe? - Yeah, that's a '58.
- You like that one? - Oh, cherry.
- Oh, thanks, yes. [chuckles] - Yeah, yeah.
You detail it and, uh, do it yourself? The whole thing?
I did some of it myself.
- Yeah, yeah. - I didn't do any of it myself.
- [both laughing] - Look, I wrote the check
- and it worked. Yeah, no. - Right, well, you know,
- it works either way, right? - Yes.
- Aloysius Wilmington. - Michael Maxwell.
- Oh, hey, nice to meet you. - Yeah, yeah. Nice to meet you.
- Great. That's great. Oh! - I think I lost a tooth.
- Oh, cool. - I gotta go to the bathroom.
Okay, well, I'm sure there's, like, a toilet somewhere.
If you just... Justice, why don't you ask the lady up front, okay?
- Okay. - I need to go poop.
- You gotta go poop, okay. - [Samuel] A big one.
- Yep. - Yeah, it's my, uh, late sister's kids.
- Wait, are those those Kicklighter boys? - Yeah.
Oh hell, I knew Janet.
- I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah. - Oh, thank you, yeah.
She's great. She ran the dance studio
- my daughters went to. - Yeah, yeah. Oh, really?
- Yeah, yeah, they loved it. - Yeah. Yeah.
How are the kids holdin' up?
- Mm, you know... alright, considering. - [deli clerk] Here you go, Al.
Yeah, my wife and I are empty nesters and let me tell you,
that is a blow you do not see coming.
Yep, those boys are gonna be grown and gone before you know it.
Not a thing you can do about it.
Well, if you wanna take 'em off my hands, they're available.
[both laughing]
Hey, you know, if you're lookin' for somethin' to do,
we're havin' a holiday party at our place on Sunday.
- Oh. - Oh, hell yeah.
We're gonna have games and candy canes for the kids.
And, uh, Olivia makes the best pumpkin pie in the state.
- [Michael] Mm. - And we're gonna have enough eggnog
to drown a bull calf.
So, uh, please show up, come by.
Okay, thank you, I love eggnog.
Alright, good. It's the end of Porter Road.
There's a big gate. We'll be lookin' for ya.
Porter Road, alright.
[Aloysius Wilmington] And bring those boys.
I will.
- [♪ holiday music playing] - I will.
[Samuel] Is this where all the rich people live?
[Justice] I wonder if Big Al wants to adopt us.
[Michael] And you guys gotta be on your best behavior
if you want this to work out.
Hey, no karate chops, alright? This guy's super into you.
[Junior] Can I drive that golf cart?
[Michael] Nope, you may not.
[Simon] Can I drive the golf cart?
[Michael] No, and stop asking.
It's not age-appropriate, okay?
Act like normal children, please.
Alright, best behavior, come on.
[Samuel] Yeah.
- [♪ playing "O Christmas Tree" on piano] - [indistinct chatter]
[Simon] Guys, look at all those presents!
- Can we open some? - Guys, hey.
Guys, guys, put the presents down.
They're not your presents. Okay.
Just hang out here for a second, okay?
I'm gonna try to find Mr. Wilmington.
- Okay. - Alright? J-Justice, you're in charge.
- Okay, - Everybody... best behavior.
- Okay. - Best behavior.
Okay.
[indistinct chatter]
[Justice] Look at that chandelier.
It's those four freaks stinkin' up our Christmas party.
It's the Freak-lighters.
Get a haircut, ya hippies!
- Eat shit, Biniak! - [indistinct shouting]
[Justice] Come over here, stop it.
[Simon] He's not worth it. He's not worth it.
He has brain problems. Brain damaged.
That's the one that's been sending you love letters?
- Mm-hm. - He's weird, but he's cute.
Oh, God... there she is.
- Who? Who are you talking about? - You guys, go, go play or something.
Go play.
I bet you want her to be your girlfriend.
Shut it! Go.
Aloysius... Mike, Michael.
- Oh. - Hey.
- Is it Mike or Michael? - It's, uh... Mike's...
- good. - Hey, did you bring your team?
Uh, yeah, they're around here somewhere. They're...
Ah! Here they are. Look at that.
- [Aloysius] Ah. [laughs] - On cue. Yeah.
You know, so what does a hotshot hunk like you do back in Chicago?
Real estate.
- Ah. - Yeah, I'm senior development manager
- with the Millican Group. - Mm.
Right now, we're one of the two finalists chasing the RFP
on the redevelopment of a railroad switching yard
just north of Lincoln Park.
Sounds like that could be a big win for you.
You know, I've dabbled in some restoration
and some development myself.
I, I know the landscape.
- Oh, very cool. - Sure.
Yeah.
- [indistinct chatter] - [children laughing]
I don't suppose you'd be interested in the restoration and development
of... a few young gentlemen, would you?
- You mean those boys? - They need a family,
and, uh, I'm gettin' good daddy, good daddy vibes from you.
- I feel it. No, I feel it. - [laughs]
I feel... good daddy.
Are you talkin' about fostering them?
Actually, it'd just be for a few years 'cause, I mean, Justice is 12
and, uh, the other guys,
I mean, it's really more like a 10-year lease.
I gotta tell ya... my wife would be thrilled
to have some boys to tickle around here, that's for sure.
- Got you! She's a tickler! She... - Really? Ho, ho!
- [both laughing] - Okay, alright! Alright.
Let's make it a tickle party.
Come on, bro!
I need this job, guys. Come on, seriously.
- [laughter] - Ah!
[Justice] I miss dancing with you.
- [♪ gentle music playing] - I hope you're still practicing.
Now that my mom's gone, I'm more focused on bodybuilding.
I'm gonna be a wrestler.
Professional one.
- More than likely. - [laughs] Yeah?
[whispers] You don't have very big muscles.
Well, not yet, but, uh, I'm lifting weights
and drinkin' protein shakes and lean beef.
[snorts]
I only danced 'cause my mom made me.
But then...
I really liked dancing with you.
♪
My guinea pig is gonna have babies soon.
[chuckles] That's nice.
- Out of the golf cart now. - No.
You little gremlin, you can't reach anyways.
[Samuel] I can't reach the pedal.
And that's great for me 'cause I need the job
- and my boss is gonna kill me. - [Junior] So, one day,
- Baby Jesus was... - [gingerbread man] Hey!
- You do not touch Baby Jesus like that. - ...walking through the ice cream shop.
[gingerbread man] You put down Baby Jesus right now!
And then he found... the most gorgeous ice cream cone.
[gingerbread man] Stop messing with the manger!
Mr. Wilmington's always watching!
So then, Baby Jesus found out...
what ice cream tasted like that day.
And Creamy found out what he was getting for Christmas
was a tombstone.
Have you ever kissed a girl before?
[Justice] Kissed a girl?
Maybe.
Have you ever kissed a girl upside down?
♪
[flatulence]
- What was that? - I farted.
[chuckles] You farted when you were kissing me?
So?
Well, could, could we maybe try kissing again
and maybe no farts?
I think it's time for lunch.
Hey, Justice! Thought you were gonna teach me how to drive the golf cart?
That girl? The girl, Mia... I think I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah, but you said you're gonna teach me how to drive the golf cart.
- [indistinct chatter] - Sorry to interrupt, guys.
- Mind if I sit here? [chuckles] - Hi. Yeah, hello.
Reverend, please, would you do us
- the honors, please? - Oh, of course.
Um, well, thank you, Al and Olivia Wilmington
for hosting us in your wonderful home.
As we gather to celebrate the holidays,
we give thanks to our blessed Lord for these gifts,
for these tater tots and corn on the cob,
for the lemonade and Rice Krispie treats.
May the redeeming love of Jesus Christ bless us all
as we enjoy this day of fellowship in His Grace.
- Amen. - [all] Amen.
Amen. [clears throat]
Are you all... Do you guys all...
- Go to church together? - You go to church together?
- Yeah, mm-hm. - That's nice, that's great.
So, that's what this group is, that's great.
Yeah, mostly.
- Yeah. Okay. - Mm-hm.
Yeah. Hey, I heard you saying that you were looking
for a home for the boys.
Yeah, yeah. Sort of a process.
Well, wait a minute on that because maybe I can help you.
Ya know, you're gonna want a nice home for them.
- Mm-hm. - And, and I would welcome them
coming to live with us.
Like, I'm a single mom. I could use the extra testosterone.
Well, that's, yeah. I mean, they're, you know,
- they're four brothers. - Mm-hm.
And we're sort of trying to keep them all together, so...
Oh, I, I know how it works. All my kids are fosters.
Alright, well, thank you. You know, we are...
kind of down the road in, uh, talks with Al,
- so I don't wanna jinx anything... - Oh.
...but it seems like he's pretty interested.
Everybody wants these kids.
I'm sure everybody wants to be their mommies and daddies.
- Yeah, they're, you know... - Mike, Mike, Mike!
Come quick. The, the golf cart, it's driving itself!
It's driving itself!
- [indistinct chatter] - [♪ tense holiday music playing]
[children shouting]
[Samuel] Ow!
[child] Watch out!
[children shouting]
Watch out!
♪
- [♪ music stops] - [crashing]
[splashing]
[♪ music resumes playing]
It's okay!
He's good!
I saved him!
Look, the kids are not as crazy as that...
No, I think you can handle this all on your own, big shot.
Huh? Ya think? Merry Christmas.
Sorry again for...
[♪ melancholy music playing]
You guys are unbelievable.
[Samuel] Are you mad at us?
[Michael] Don't! Stop it! Don't say a word.
Alright? Nothing.
I was having a civilized connection
with an A-plus possible sugar daddy.
You guys could've been livin' in that house.
With cheeseballs, ketchup, and bubble baths,
and no more plucking chickens
'cause you'd have an entire staff doing it for you
for the rest of your lives.
Guys, I'm just here. I'm trying to take care of you.
- I'm tryin' to find you a good home, okay? - No way.
Tony Marquez got put in that place once.
It's like an orphanage.
No, it's not "like" an orphanage, it is an orphanage.
He had to sleep in a cardboard box,
and they made him eat human tongue, and he got hepatitis.
- Sounds awful. - He did not look so good
when he came back.
We'll run away first.
We should run away anyway.
Where are you gonna run away to?
[Justice] We're gonna walk to Cincinnati.
We could hop a train there and then take it to the mountains.
- We could build a cabin there. - Uh-huh.
Or, you know, even better, we could take it to Kansas City.
- [Michael] Kansas City? - Somewhere no one would find us.
That would be an exceptionally stupid idea.
Well, it's better than going to the orphanage.
Yeah, well, people don't get their legs torn off
trying to jump onto a moving orphanage.
Besides, even if you do get on the train,
then the real fun begins
because you get to meet the hobos and tramps
who have all sorts of fun ideas about what to do with little boys like you.
And you're right, nobody'll ever see ya again
'cause you'll end up stuffed in an oil drum,
buried in a ditch somewhere.
Unidentifiable.
I don't wanna die.
You're not gonna die.
I guess we're gonna have to live with the fact that no one wants us then.
That's not true.
Somebody does.
[♪ upbeat music playing]
- [Justice] Who's this lady again? - [Samuel] I don't know.
[Junior] Is she gonna adopt us?
[Simon] No. [vocalizes]
[Justice] How do we look?
[Samuel] Looking good. Feeling good. [giggles]
[Justice] Shut up.
[Simon] You're so cool.
♪
[knocking on door]
Hey, hi.
Is your mommy home?
[Rose] Line 'em up. [laughing]
[dishes clatter]
Okay. Yes to these. Okay.
[mumbling] Okay.
- [Michael exhales] - [footsteps]
- Your choice, Mike. - Oh.
Tuna fish or Kroger's Premium Select.
You know what? I actually ate before I came over, but...
- Okay. - Yeah.
I'm excited to introduce the kids.
Don't they wanna come in?
Yeah, no, they're just a little shy.
So, uh, I'll get 'em in a few minutes, yeah.
Well, hopefully they'll get in here soon.
They can eat all this before I eat it all up.
- [both laughing] - Looks good.
- [running upstairs] - [children screaming]
So...
how many kids do you have?
Uh, more than a tree house,
less than a volleyball team.
Okay, so... uh, si... eight, six?
It's like in the song.
- Song? Yeah. - Yeah, that song where they were like,
"There was an old woman who lived in a shoe." [laughing]
Oh, yeah, the nursery rhyme, yeah.
It's a song from the 2000s.
- Oh, is it? - Uh-huh.
Oh, 'cause all nursery rhymes kind of have a... [hums]
Mm, yeah, but nursery rhymes usually don't have guitars and pianos.
- Yeah, it's unimportant. - Um,
Mike, can I get real with you for a second?
[Michael] Yeah.
If your boys come to live with us...
- Mm-hm. - ...you're welcome to visit any, any time.
Thank you. Yeah.
There's a pullout couch
- in my bedroom you could stay on. - Oh.
Yeah, or I could just stay, you know, close by or whatever.
We... I mean, maybe we're puttin' the cart before the horse a little bit.
Maybe, Mike, but it would be a blessing to have them here.
Okay? Those sweet, sweet boys.
- Thank you. Mm-hm. - Sure.
[sighs]
[exhales] Um...
I have to, uh... Gotta... Do you have a bathroom?
- Oh, yeah, right there. - Okay, great.
[sighs]
[distant dog barking]
[footsteps]
- [door opens] - [Rose] Sally, you're being silly.
Come on, don't you want more brothers and sisters?
I know, but when we have company,
you need to be quiet, okay?
I can hear you guys up there.
You and your brothers are runnin' around like hippopotamuses.
So, you gotta zipper the lips
and if you can't be quiet, no yogurt for a week.
You understand me?
Mr. Mike is company and we need to make him feel like a king today.
You understand?
[imitating trucker] Ten-four, good buddy.
[flushes toilet]
- [laughing] - [Michael] Are you, uh, are you sure that
- you can afford four more kids or...? - Oh, yeah, sure.
See, Mike, 'cause the state gives you $800 a month per kid.
They give you more if you can claim they have special needs.
That little one's got a lisp.
I don't know if you've noticed, but it's adorable.
- Right. - Oh, my friend, Lucy,
her husband, Harold, is a barber,
which is great 'cause we get discounts. [chuckles]
They sure could use haircuts, Mike. [laughing]
Haircuts?
Yeah, I mean... when I first met them,
I thought three of them were little girls.
[Justice] What about our first impression, huh?
She wants you to get haircuts.
- Haircuts? - Yeah, haircuts.
[Junior] Really?
I mean, at this point in the game,
I think that's just, like, you know, forget it, man.
It's like a total... It's a deal-breaker. Sorry.
[phone ringing]
Where's my phone? Who has my phone?
- Hello? - Hey, hey! Sam, how did you get that?
- It's a woman! - [children] Ooh, a woman.
Guys, it's not funny.
Give me the phone, Samuel, so I can talk to her. Who is it?
- It's Carol. - [children] Ooh, Carol!
Carol, do me a favor, hang up.
- I'll call ya back when I pull over. - [Samuel giggles]
- [children] Bye, Carol. - Love you.
- Carol. - [Carol] [over phone] I don't know
where your head is at,
but that document you sent me is a disaster.
[Michael] Uh, oh, okay. Yeah, no. No, no.
I told you that Barbara either inadvertently or advertently
sabotaged my environmental report.
'Kay, 'cause that's not what I was putting out there at all.
- [Carol] Okay, well, don't blame Barbara. - No, she screw...
- No, no, no, that was her. - [Carol] B ecause we're going
with Devin's proposal, Michael.
What? Oh, come on! Seriously, Carol.
- Devin's? Really? You can't just... - [Carol] Yeah. Yes.
You can't just... Just because he comes in
with a little tap dance, a little, "Oh, hey, look at me.
"I'm the new kid, you know, don't listen to me.
"But, yeah, really listen to me
because I wanna steal the project from Michael."
[Carol] You've obviously got your hands full over there.
Come on, our history doesn't count for anything here?
- You're just gonna go off... - [Carol] Not at the workplace, Michael.
- Not at the workplace. - This guy...
[Carol] I said never to bring that up to me...
It doesn't matter. It's all... It doesn't matter. Okay. Forget it.
Guess what? It never happened. Key West never happened, okay?
It didn't happen, but guess what?
It's still my project, okay?
- And you still owe me. Carol? - [Carol] Just get creative and go find
those kids a family. How hard can it be?
- Carol, Carol. - [Carol] Okay, Devin is here,
- I-I gotta go. - No, you can't go, Carol! You...
[shouting]
Oh!
- [grunts] - [mailbox clatters]
What's he doing now?
- [Michael shouting] - [mailbox thudding]
He's going crazy on that mailbox.
- [water running] - [cat meows]
Are you sure you don't wanna eat dinner with us?
[Michael] Nah, you guys go ahead.
- Uncle Mike? - [Michael] Yeah.
If it's any easier,
I don't have to stay with these guys.
If you can find a foster family for them,
I can live somewhere else.
A group home or what-whatever.
- [water shuts off] - Thank you.
[key jingles]
- [Justice] Guess what? - What?
Key to Dad's old liquor cabinet.
[cat meowing]
Thank you.
When I wake up tomorrow, are you still gonna be here?
- [cabinet door slams] - More than likely.
[♪ "Dance of the Reed Flutes" by Tchaikovsky playing downstairs]
[Michael groaning]
Ow.
Oof.
[groans]
[birds chirping outside]
[stomping downstairs]
[Simon] Pirouette.
[Junior] Tombé. Pas de bourrée. Pirouette.
[continues indistinctly]
[Justice] No, you guys, just...
Junior, when you do the tombé pas de bourrée,
you're turning in.
You gotta turn it out when you're in the relevé.
And when you pirouette, put your heels down,
so you can get as much momentum
as you can. This is a bit challenging.
You kno... You know it. Let me, let me just show you.
One, two, three, four.
Five. Assemblé.
You should be doing turned out leg, a higher relevé,
and then your pirouette, your heel should be down.
And then you're gonna do the... [speaking French].
Okay, right now, you're going in like this.
You gotta go... out, out, out.
And then when you do [speaks French],
it's back, front, back. So, it's...
♪
Okay, let's try the whole thing one more time.
[door slams]
♪
- Come on. - [pig grunting]
- [chickens clucking] - [♪ music concludes]
Okay, guys, I just got a great idea.
- We're gonna put on a show. - What?
A dance performance to showcase your talents for the public.
- Twenty bucks a ticket. - Uh, I don't have that much.
Where do we get the money?
No, no, no, they pay you. You don't pay them.
[Simon] What do you want? Put on a play?
Like, Romeo and Juliet.
Even better.
- The Nutcracker? - No.
The Much Better Nutcracker.
Hey, I wrote that! That's mine!
- Yes, you did. - I drew those pictures too!
That's right. Steven Kicklighter Junior's
Much Better Nutcracker,
and we're gonna put it up.
- I don't like that title. - [Michael] Okay, well, whatever.
Either way, we use Junior's brilliant sabotage of the holiday classic.
We choreograph it together.
Everybody sees you dance, their hearts melt,
fall in love with you, and... Hey, Justice, perfect timing.
How would you like to be a Much Better Nutcracker?
I'm not doin' it.
[Samuel] I don't wanna be a Nutcracker.
If I can't be a samurai, I'm not doin' it.
Well, there's... There is it. Look, samurai!
- Samurai! Look at that. - Is Rambo in it?
Rambo is an intellectual property that belongs to someone else,
but we can totally rip off the character, and yes, blood and guts.
We'll just, like, call him, like, uh, Blambo or Crambo or somethin' like that.
- Yeah. - I'm a Rambo.
And Justice can be the Nutcracker.
- Yeah, Justice. - But we need a sword.
Maybe a samurai sword to murder Mike.
Why do you wanna murder Mike?
Why do we need to murder Mike?
Not... Mike's not e... Well, no. I'm not even in it, guys. This is you.
Who else is going to get stabbed in the heart
by a Nutcracker when he's going on his rampage?
Okay, good, well, we'll figure that out,
but e-either way, blood and guts, action, nutcracker...
- [Justice] Leave me out of it. - ...all the blood.
I'm not doing it.
- Why? - [Simon] You're the one that knows
how to dance the best.
They're right, you're the best dancer.
[Justice] I only dance if Mom's watching me.
People think we're weird enough already.
Okay, so let's prove 'em wrong.
I'm telling you, when people see what you guys can do,
they're gonna freak out.
You're gonna be fightin' off the families with a paddle.
[Simon] Come on, Justice, do it.
- [Junior] Come on. - No thanks, you guys can have fun.
Justice.
Okay, I still think it works. I'm not afraid.
What do you say?
If we do this, everybody's gonna want you.
- What do you say, huh? - Yeah!
Much Better Cracker. Much Better Cracker.
- Much Better Cracker. - [crosstalk]
You're doing what?
[Michael] [over phone] Yeah, I know it sounds crazy,
but it's just crazy enough to work.
And these guys are really good.
And when it's not really good, at least it's pretty funny.
[chuckles] You're nuts.
[Michael] Exactly, we're leaning into that.
Hear ye, hear ye. Here we have choreography.
Okay, so here's the idea.
Mouse King is going be watching everybody, right?
- You are the Mouse King. Okay? - Yes.
Now do the battle. There's no shark in this.
Samuel, there's no shark.
- [Junior] La jeté. - Alright, and then a tour de l'air,
tour de l'air.
- [Junior singing] - [dog barking]
- [bike bell ringing] - Focus.
- Pirouette! Almost there! - Spotlight's on you.
[motorcycle revving]
- Boo! - [horn honks]
- It looks good on you. - I have a big head.
No, you have a perfect head. Hello.
We're here now, so I think there might be a spot.
- Hey. - Hey, Gretchen.
- Hi, honey. - [speaking native language]
Oh sure, whatever you said.
- This is my friend, Mike. - This must be Mike.
- Hey, Mike Maxwell. - Hey. Nice to meet you.
Well, thanks for the interest in our Murphy Theater.
- Oh yeah, it's beautiful. - Yeah.
That one, right there, yeah.
And I love the idea of an entrance like that where you,
you stretch out there with your leg behind you.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
That's incredible.
- [coughing] - I think if you guys
did something like that, it could really work, right?
[Junior] Yeah, it could.
[Michael] Yeah, I love that. Look at that extension.
Man, your mom was really good.
[♪ light holiday music playing]
Ooh, I love it.
- [clattering] - Boom!
[children rehearsing]
Okay, guys, you're totally... Guys, you're totally outta sync.
[toy whirring]
Sure do like that hay. There you go.
- Get your head out of there. - [goats bleating]
[chickens clucking]
Couldn't figure it out, but Junior got the coffee maker working.
Thanks, I usually take it black, but... thanks though.
- So, how's the ballet going? - Pretty good.
Cool. [softly] Cool, cool.
Good luck with your plan. I, I hope it works.
Thank you. I mean, if I'm being totally honest,
we are missing a couple of key elements...
like real dancers.
Yeah, I mean, the show doesn't work without a Clara...
and without a Nutcracker.
- That sucks. - Hm.
Yeah, I was talkin' with your brothers. What if that girl, uh,
Mia from your mom's dance class played Clara?
Would you wanna play the Nutcracker then?
She would never do that.
Yeah, okay, but what if she did?
- She wouldn't. - I know, but what if she did?
- No. She wouldn't. - Yeah, but... I know, but what if she did?
Ask her.
I did ask her.
Yeah, I did, and guess what?
She said she wants to marry you.
[♪ "Hospitality Song" by Barefoot Jerry playing]
[chickens clucking]
[rooster crows]
- Hi, Mia. - [Mia] Hi!
[softly] Hi.
♪
♪ Where have you been, what took you so long? ♪
♪ Y'all are welcome to our new country home ♪
♪ Light up the pipe, pass it around ♪
♪ Take off your boots, we're just a-pickin' around ♪
♪ We don't care what state you come from ♪
♪ We don't care what state your mind is in ♪
♪ And for your drys, we have homemade wine ♪
♪ And out in the kitchen there's cooking so fine ♪
♪ You can stay, stay all night long ♪
♪ We have a bed for you to lay your head on ♪
♪ Morning sun will heat you ♪
♪ Heat you to your bones ♪
♪ The yellow days will greet you ♪
- ♪ Show you where you belong ♪ - [excited chatter]
[theater manager] Hi. Welcome to the theater. Be careful.
- [Simon] This is... - [Justice] Let's go.
[theater manager] Alright, I know it's a little early for y'all,
but, you know, you can also get married on this stage.
We had John Ritter. I don't know if you even know who that is,
but he got married here.
♪ If you can live, if you can love ♪
♪ If you can give, my friend, that's enough ♪
♪ I don't care what state you come from ♪
It's great to have you here.
Tell us a little bit about what you got goin' on down there.
- Looks like a lotta fun. - Yeah, it's a really fun ballet.
- Uh-huh. - Uh, but the kids wrote it
and have really choreographed it themselves
and it's, uh, kind of a spin, you know,
it's not, it's not your grandmother's, uh, Nutcracker. [laughs]
♪
♪ It's right before your eyes ♪
♪ The key and the answer, the secret to the skies ♪
♪ Truth is the answer right before your eyes ♪
♪ The key and the answer, the secret to the skies ♪
♪ Truth is the answer right before your eyes ♪
♪ The key and the answer, the secret to the skies ♪
♪ Truth is the answer ♪
♪
Ahh!
Put that right here.
It's a Christmas couch. A Kicklighter family tradition.
Huh, pretty cool.
I like how the fishing, uh, lures
actually do look like ornaments, it's kinda cool.
- Yep. - Yeah. Kind of work like a mountain.
- [Justice] Cool stuff. - Yeah, so, do you think I should
drape this around the top or maybe...
[Justice] We can drape it over the origami and antlers.
[indistinct chatter]
Last Christmas it was funny
because we played Captain Beefheart records.
Hey, hey, hang on a second. Here, hold this. Be right back.
[Justice] It was awesome.
[children laughing]
[ambient nature sounds]
Hey, whatcha doin'?
Nothing.
Is that your mom's robe?
Junior makes fun of me.
Well... I think you look cool.
You nervous about the show tonight?
May I?
You know, when I was your age...
your mom... would dress me up in her pink tutu and a football helmet
and we would perform the Rite of Spring in the living room.
Try to crack my parents up.
- Did you make 'em laugh? - Yeah, oh yeah.
[Simon chuckles]
She was like my best friend.
I miss her.
I miss her too.
She's up in the stars with Dad.
Yeah.
That's where they came from.
We're made of stars.
When you die, you come back up
and then the shooting stars,
they come down into a woman, a man,
and then... they come out
and then, when they die, they come back up.
That's pretty cool.
How do you know this?
[soft groan] I made it up.
You know, if you love somebody
and they love you, I think, that love doesn't go away.
It stays with you...
and it'll be up there with you tonight.
[Deputy Ray Cox] Hey, listen up!
I need the owner of this dark gray sedan
to move it right now!
It's parked illegally!
[crowd chattering]
Hey, Jared! Jared, no, no.
No. Drop it. Drop it. Stop it now! Stop it!
It's not for eating, it's for decorating.
This is your dad talkin', this is not the law.
Put it down.
Hey, hun.
Even if Mike decides to move in and become our dad,
he would still need a job.
He'd be a horrible farmer.
Didn't you say he sells real estate?
- [Junior] Yeah. - Well, what if he sells real estate here?
- Like, farms or something like that. - [Junior] Mm, yeah. Yeah.
Would we have to call him "Dad"?
No, he would hate that.
And plus, he's not a dad. I mean, he's an uncle.
Just Mike.
Why are you eating the comb?
Yeah, that's not good for you.
I got a hair in my mouth.
- Hey! - [greeting each other]
Hi, I'm so excited for tonight. Break a leg.
- Oh, this looks great. - We don't say that.
- Oh, you don't say that? - We say, "Break a salad dressing."
- Okay. - Because if you break your leg,
- you can't dance, so... - [Gretchen] Yeah, that makes sense.
Salad dressing? No harm, no foul.
- The donuts are really good. - I just saw this.
I had my eyes on this. Alright, you guys.
- [Justice] They're nice and powdery. - Go get 'em.
- Gonna be great out there. - [all thanking Gretchen]
- [indistinct chatter] - [Michael] Oh, no, no, no, no.
Go in over there, alright?
No, no, wait for your entrance over there, Estelle, okay?
- How many people are outside? - Oh, there's about 500 people here.
- [Michael] Amazing. - Oh! This looks amazing.
- [Michael] Hey, oh. - It's gonna be great.
- Hey! - [Gretchen] Hi.
Hi, wow.
- What? - Look at you.
- Yeah, look, here I am. - Yeah. Yeah, you look, you look great.
- Thanks. - Great to see you.
- Yeah, you too. This is so exciting. - Yeah, yeah.
Did you see there's a news crew out there?
Yeah, the guy showed up.
- I can't believe it. - You did that?
Yeah, I mean, I figured, you know,
once the story gets out there, we're gonna be like...
it'll be like a run on a bank for the kids, you know?
Like a bidding war. People will go crazy. I mean...
- Yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm sure they will. - Yeah... Yeah.
Well, isn't that what we've been looking...
I mean, that's what we're trying to do, right?
I guess it is, yeah.
If it was up to the kids, they'd hop a train to Kansas City.
- I know, it's weird. - I just, uh, I don't know.
I thought that the past two weeks, maybe things had changed.
- Changed what? Changed how? - Wow.
You really are clueless, aren't you?
- What? - Those boys are here, Michael.
- They followed you all the way here. - I know, I know. Okay. Alright.
Come on, they've come to need you and trust you.
- [phone ringing] - They're... Oh, you need to take
- a phone call right now? - Look, honestly, you don't know my life.
Okay? I love them. They're amazing.
But there's no way on earth I can take care of four pain-in-the-ass kids,
- okay? - [rattling]
Hey.
Hey, buddy.
How long you been standin' there?
I heard what you said.
- I heard you. - I, I didn't... It's not what I meant.
If you don't wanna take care of us,
you shouldn't have to.
- [♪ melancholy music playing] - Simon! Hey! Simon!
Simon!
You know, some people can't have children.
Their bodies won't let them.
And a person might look at you and those boys and think
that you might be the luckiest person in the world.
- [phone ringing] - [indistinct chatter]
Okay, you know what, Carol? Really not a good time.
[Carol] [over phone] Devin is... [sighs] He's a moron.
He-He-He completely screwed up the numbers.
I, I need you back here.
Tell me what it will take to make that happen.
- You were right about everything. - Oh.
[indistinct chatter]
[announcer] Good evening everybody,
and welcome to the theater.
If we all could take our seats.
Please take your seats...
[♪ gentle music playing]
Simon?
Hey, Simon?
[groans]
Hey! You got people parkin' their cars
all along the wrong side of the street up there.
You gotta make up a... Ahh!
- Justice! - [train horn blaring]
[yelps, groaning]
[clatters, thuds]
[railroad crossing bells dinging]
Ah.
[indistinct chatter]
- Hi. Hey, uh... - [cheering, applause]
Hi.
No. Uh, I'm sorry, everybody. I've got some bad news.
- The show is canceled. - [audience murmuring]
Uh, yeah, it's, uh, uh, due to, due to some technical difficulties
that, uh, that have nothin' to do with the kids.
I-It's not their fault, uh...
Anyway, um... I'm sorry.
And if, if you, uh, if you want to get a refund,
you just go up to the box office or, uh...
or to the website...
that I made.
- Alright. - [audience chattering]
[♪ intriguing music playing]
[chattering]
Mia?
[Mia] They're gonna do the show at the memorial, come on!
[Justice] We're not dancing for Mike, guys.
If we do this, we're gonna be dancing for Mom and Dad.
They're out here watching over us.
♪
Excuse me, sir, uh, can you move?
Can we get the props from the trunk?
- [child] You're sitting on the props. - Oh, no, guys, I'm sorry.
- The show's canceled. - Not anymore.
[whispers] The show is about to begin.
♪
[cars honking]
[♪ "Waltz of the Flowers" by Tchaikovsky playing on speakers]
♪
- [crowd cheering] - [applause]
♪
[crowd cheering]
♪
[cheering, applause]
Bravo!
♪
[laughter]
♪
[♪ song concludes]
[cheering, applause]
- [grunts] - [crowd gasps]
[grunting]
[crowd murmuring]
Ahh.
Ow.
- [♪ gentle harmonica music playing] - [exhales, thuds]
♪
[cheering, applause]
[cheering continues]
[people whistling]
[both grunting]
Uncle Mike, when I wake up tomorrow...
you still gonna be here?
Come here.
I'm not goin' anywhere.
[applause continues]
- [Samuel] Hey, Mike. - [Junior] There he is.
- Are you really gonna stay? - [Justice] Maybe if we're nice.
[Simon] [laughs] Family hug.
[Justice] Next, we can do Swan Lake.
[Simon] I love you. [chuckles]
[Junior] Mike, dance with me.
[♪ "Pure" by The Lightning Seeds playing]
♪ Night time slows, raindrops splash rainbows ♪
♪ Perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine ♪
♪ As the daydreams slide to color from shadow ♪
♪ Picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes ♪
♪ And I love you ♪
♪ Just lying smiling in the dark ♪
♪ Shooting stars around your heart ♪
♪ Dreams come bouncing in your head ♪
♪ Pure and simple every time ♪
♪ Now you're crying in your sleep ♪
♪ I wish you'd never learnt to weep ♪
♪ Don't sell the dreams you should be keeping ♪
♪ Pure and simple every time ♪
♪ Dream of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons ♪
[Justice] Come on, Uncle Mike! Come on!
- Me? - Yeah, come on!
- Alright. - [group cheering]
Come over here. Let's jump this thing!
- Alright. - Go!
- You wanna jump? - Go!
Let's jump.
[revs engine]
♪
Woo!
Do it!
[cheering]
♪ And I love you ♪
♪ Just lying smiling in the dark ♪
♪ Shooting stars around your heart ♪
♪ Dreams come bouncing in your head ♪
♪ Pure and simple every time ♪
♪ Now you're crying in your sleep ♪
♪ I wish you'd never learnt to weep ♪
♪ Don't sell the dreams you should be keeping ♪
♪ Pure and simple every time ♪
♪ Look at me with starry eyes ♪
♪ Push me up to starry skies ♪
♪ There's stardust in my head ♪
♪ Pure and simple every time ♪
♪ Fresh and deep as oceans new ♪
♪ Shiver at the sight of you ♪
♪ I'll sing a softer tune ♪
♪ Pure and simple over you ♪
♪ Pure and simple just for you ♪
[♪ song concludes]
[♪ gentle music playing]
♪
[children] [singing] ♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
♪
[children singing]
[♪ music, singing fades out]
[chickens clucking]
[Justice] Mike, wake up!
Mike, are-are you dead?
[Michael] Oh, no, I'm not dead, I just landed on my face.
You said the trampoline was gonna soften the landing,
but guess what? It didn't.
[Justice] Sorry, Mike. I guess we flew too close to the sun
and our wings were made of wax and feathers.
[chickens clucking]