1
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:11,040
[audience chattering]

2
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,000
[audience cheering and whistling]

3
00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:30,200
Hello.

4
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,600
Thank you. [clears throat]

5
00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:35,120
Thank you. Thank you very much.

6
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,456
- Cheers. Thank you.
- [man 1] Whoo!

7
00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:38,440
No. Shh. That's... You've...

8
00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:39,576
- Thank you.
- [man 1 yells]

9
00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:42,040
- No, you know the score.
- [man 1 yells]

10
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:44,640
- Shut the fuck up.
- [audience laughing]

11
00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:45,760
Thank you.

12
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:47,240
Welcome to my new show.

13
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,800
So new, in fact, it's still evolving.

14
00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:52,400
I've got bits tonight
I haven't done before, right?

15
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:53,480
[audience cheering]

16
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:56,440
If I ad-lib,
I haven't even thought it before.

17
00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:59,080
And I have some terrible fucking thoughts.

18
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,440
[audience laughing]

19
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:03,120
But you can't help that, can you?
You can't choose your thoughts.

20
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:04,880
They just appear. It's too late.

21
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:07,680
You have a thought, and it goes,
"I'm a thought."

22
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:10,080
And you go, "Oh fuck, I thought that."

23
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:11,720
[audience laughing]

24
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,840
And then, sometimes,
the thought will go, "Now say it."

25
00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:16,920
[audience laughing]

26
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:18,760
And I say it, and...

27
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:19,920
Netflix.

28
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,560
[audience laughing]

29
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:25,680
My last show, <i>SuperNature,</i>
dropped on Netflix last year.

30
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,896
- Um, big backlash, wasn't there?
- [audience cheering]

31
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:31,880
Big... Oh, big backlash.
People going, "You can't say that."

32
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:35,160
- You can. You can.
- [audience laughing]

33
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,560
I did. Um...

34
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:39,280
[audience cheering and whistling]

35
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,480
Yeah, the inevitable backlash,

36
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,800
which made it the most-watched special
of the year, so...

37
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,240
[audience laughing]

38
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,520
- I've learned my lesson. Um...
- [audience laughing]

39
00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:50,960
No, I have learned my lesson,

40
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:54,480
and that's why I'm going to be woke
from now on.

41
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:57,240
- [audience laughing and booing]
- It's about time. Well, I'm sorry.

42
00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:58,120
Well, I am woke.

43
00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:01,920
And now I'm woke, the first thing
I've gotta do is change my Twitter bio.

44
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,880
'Cause at the moment, it's, like,
a list of the shows I've created.

45
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:08,640
But now I'm woke,
I've gotta pop in the word "anti-fascist"...

46
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,840
- [audience laughing]
- ...so people know I'm not a fascist,

47
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:15,560
'cause that is a big problem
at the moment. Um...

48
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:19,320
People come up to you and go, "Rick,
have you been imprisoning journalists?"

49
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,720
I go, "No." They go, "Oh, interesting."

50
00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:23,320
[audience laughing]

51
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:26,360
They go, "Have you been gassing Jews?"
I go, "No."

52
00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:28,560
They go, "Pop it in your bio then,
you silly cunt."

53
00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:31,680
[audience laughing]

54
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,080
[scattered applause]

55
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:38,680
So, yeah, I'm not a fascist.

56
00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:41,480
It's an odd thing to declare, isn't it,
that you're not a fascist?

57
00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:42,560
We assume, don't we?

58
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,240
You wouldn't go up to someone
in the street and do that, would you?

59
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,400
"Oh, by the way,
I'm not a fascist." You know?

60
00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:49,616
- [audience laughing]
- It's like they protest too much.

61
00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:52,560
It's like going into a school and going,
"I'm not a pedo."

62
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:56,440
- "So just forget I even mentioned it."
- [audience laughing]

63
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,640
"These kids are safe running around me.
Don't worry." [laughs]

64
00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,160
"They can run around naked
for all I care."

65
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:05,240
- "I'm not a pedo, so..."
- [audience laughing]

66
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:12,920
Of course, the word "fascist" has changed.
Traditionally, the word "fascist"

67
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:16,040
meant a member of a far-right
authoritarian regime

68
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:20,560
that uses militarism and violence
to suppress individual rights.

69
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:24,800
Now the word "fascist" can mean
"liked a Joe Rogan tweet."

70
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,760
- So...
- [audience laughing]

71
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,840
...words change, yeah?

72
00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:32,160
And that's part of the reason
I'm gonna become woke.

73
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:35,320
Words change, and I don't wanna be
left behind, you know.

74
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:38,680
I don't wanna end up
like my granddad in the '70s. Oh.

75
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:42,320
He was all like, "coloreds" this
and "queers" that. [groans]

76
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:46,280
Although the word "queer"
is all right again now, so...

77
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,880
If you wait long enough,
it just goes full circle.

78
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,880
- Just...
- [audience laughing]

79
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,880
- Just be patient is my ad...
- [audience laughing]

80
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,016
So, yeah, you can...
you can use the word "queer" now.

81
00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:00,080
You still can't use it as a noun,
only as an adjective.

82
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:02,440
You can't go up to someone
and go, "You're a queer,"

83
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:05,640
but you can go,
"Hear about Darren? He's queer now."

84
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:06,760
[audience laughing]

85
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,960
If Darren is definitely bent.

86
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:12,680
[audience laughing]

87
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,360
You can't go around
just slagging off Darren willy-nilly.

88
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:16,880
Do you know what I mean? You can...

89
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:20,480
You can get sued in this country
for saying someone's gay if they're not,

90
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,440
you know, which is a homophobic law,

91
00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,880
'cause you can't be sued
the other way around.

92
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:28,640
You can't be sued
for saying someone's not gay if they are,

93
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,600
which seems unfair, doesn't it?

94
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,440
Like, I could go up
to Britain's biggest gay and go,

95
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,160
"All right, Elton." All right?

96
00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,400
- And...
- [audience laughing]

97
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:41,760
He'd love that. He'd fucking love that.

98
00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:45,520
If that's your game,
you wanna be top of the pile, so to speak.

99
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:46,680
Right?

100
00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:48,880
- [laughs]
- [audience laughing]

101
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,160
I'd go, "All right, Elton?"
He'd go, "Yeah." I'd go,

102
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:55,200
<i>♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪</i>

103
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:58,120
<i>♪ Ha-ha
You're not a gay ♪</i>

104
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,840
- [audience laughing]
- He'd go, "I bloody am." All right?

105
00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:02,160
He'd go, "I'm gonna sue you."

106
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:04,560
- I'd go, "You can't. You can't."
- [audience laughing]

107
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:07,560
He'd go, "But know that I am gay."
I go, "I don't believe you are."

108
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,640
He'd go, "Come home with me and see
the shit I do if you don't believe me."

109
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,840
[audience laughing]

110
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,960
Of course, the word "queer" has changed.

111
00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:21,560
Again, traditionally,
the word "queer" used to mean

112
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:25,600
uh, someone who was attracted
to the same sex as themselves.

113
00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:26,680
A gay man, all right?

114
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:31,440
Now, the word "queer" can mean
a straight man who wants some attention.

115
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:35,200
[audience laughing]

116
00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,000
"I'm all queer. I'm all queer now."

117
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:37,920
"Are you?"

118
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,280
"Yeah, I'm ri... I'm..."

119
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:42,760
- "I'm right queer now, I am."
- [audience laughing]

120
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:45,920
"Are you?" "Yeah."
"What about your girlfriend?"

121
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:48,800
- "Yeah, she's queer and all. We're just..."
- [audience laughing]

122
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,920
"We're just two queers
queering each other up."

123
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:53,240
[audience laughing]

124
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:54,960
"Suck a cock." "Nah."

125
00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:56,760
[audience laughing]

126
00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,200
"No, didn't think so."

127
00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:00,560
"I'm not that sort of queer."

128
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:03,160
[groans] "What sort of a queer are you?"

129
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:04,720
"Dyed my hair blue."

130
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:05,840
[audience laughing]

131
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,040
"So did my grandmother
and she fucking loved cock."

132
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:11,200
- "So, what... What are we saying?"
- [audience laughing]

133
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:14,120
- [Gervais laughs]
- [audience clapping and cheering]

134
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:16,440
I have no evidence for that.

135
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:17,640
[audience laughing]

136
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,880
We... We never had that conversation.

137
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,320
- [man 2 yells]
- [Gervais laughs]

138
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:25,440
So words change is my point.

139
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:27,360
Like the word "handicapped." All right?

140
00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:30,400
Again, traditionally,
that was the politically correct term,

141
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:33,560
the all-inclusive term
for cripples and shit, right?

142
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,240
- Uh...
- [audience laughing]

143
00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,840
But then, they went,
"No, we wanna be disabled."

144
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:39,616
They didn't wanna be disabled. They said...

145
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,816
- [audience laughing]
- [laughs] They said... They said...

146
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:43,400
[laughs]

147
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:46,200
They said,
"We wanna be referred to as 'disabled.'"

148
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,280
"We don't like the term
'handicapped' anymore."

149
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:51,320
"Stop using it. Say 'disabled.'"
We went, "Fine." And that's great.

150
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,280
Just tell me the rules and I'll...
In fact, I'm a stickler for the rules.

151
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:57,480
Like, if I was on a beach
and a woman came running and went,

152
00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,880
"Help! Help!
My handicapped toddler's drowning!"

153
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,200
I'd go, "Sorry your what, love? What?"

154
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:03,320
[audience laughing]

155
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,800
"My handicapped toddler's drowning,
and he can't swim."

156
00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:09,520
"Whoa. Do you mean
your disabled toddler is drowning?"

157
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,280
"Yeah." I go,
"Right. Well, let's... Oh, dead."

158
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,240
- [audience laughing]
- Dead.

159
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:17,200
Wasted too much time being woke, didn't I?

160
00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:19,280
[audience laughing]

161
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,640
Well, I am woke now, and I can prove it.

162
00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:25,480
Here you go. I love illegal immigrants.

163
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:30,400
Yeah, sue me. Sometimes I go down to Dover
for the day, right?

164
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:33,200
And I... I look out, right? I look out.

165
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:36,000
I look for a boat,
and I see a dinghy with about 60 of 'em.

166
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,600
- And I go, "Over here." Like that, right?
- [audience laughing]

167
00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:42,120
And I pull 'em in. I pull 'em into shore.
And I go, "Women and children first."

168
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:46,640
They go, "There are no women and chil..."
"Just you lads, is it? Come on, lads."

169
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,520
[audience laughing and clapping]

170
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:49,600
[woman 1] Whoo!

171
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:53,640
If I go down there and there's no boat,
I am absolutely fucking gutted.

172
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,016
- I don't...
- [audience laughing]

173
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:58,520
I just sort of wander into town,
and, uh, I stand by the traffic lights,

174
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,040
and I wait for a big lorry
to pull up, right?

175
00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:05,080
And I look underneath, and there's a lad
sort of clutching like that.

176
00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:08,080
And I go, "Where you headed?"
He goes, "Gary Lineker's house."

177
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,600
- I go, "It's just down there." [laughs]
- [audience laughing]

178
00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:12,680
[audience clapping]

179
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:16,560
Yeah.

180
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,360
Fuck borders. Fuck...
We don't need borders, do we?

181
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:23,120
Be like the Vikings.
They didn't care about borders, did they?

182
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,240
I've got a little bit
of Viking blood in me.

183
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:27,520
Well, we all have,
'cause of all the raping they did.

184
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:28,800
[audience laughing]

185
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:34,240
They say it was raping and pillaging,
but I think it was mainly for the raping.

186
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:38,080
I think they added the pillaging bit
for the wives. Know what I mean?

187
00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:40,280
They went down and went,
"We're off to Great Britain."

188
00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:41,360
"Oh, why?"

189
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:42,920
"Just a bit of pillaging."

190
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,240
[audience laughing]

191
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:47,680
"Just pillaging?"

192
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,560
"Just pillaging, babe."

193
00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:52,160
[audience laughing]

194
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,560
"All right.
Why are you wearing your rape hat?"

195
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:55,960
[audience laughing]

196
00:08:58,160 --> 00:08:59,920
So this show is called <i>Armageddon,</i>

197
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,360
and it's all about
how I think humanity might end,

198
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,600
'cause there's a long list
of possibilities, you know?

199
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,760
We're on a precipice, you know.

200
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:10,520
Um, it could be, uh, anything
from global warming,

201
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:13,320
the rise of the... the pandemic, you know.

202
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:17,120
Um, nuclear war,
our own stupidity, basically.

203
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,480
'Cause we are getting more stupid
as a species. No doubt about that.

204
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:24,680
You can now do a university degree course
in Taylor Swift.

205
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,760
How fucking low, academically, can you go?

206
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:32,520
There's an institute in London
called the School of Flower Arranging.

207
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,360
I went past it. I couldn't believe it.
"School of Flower Arra..."

208
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,920
I looked in,
and there's people having lectures.

209
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:39,000
Flower arranging!

210
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,320
My mum used to pick flowers
every day from the garden,

211
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,640
cut flowers, put 'em in vases
around the house.

212
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:48,440
At no point did anyone come around and go,
"What unqualified cunt did these?"

213
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:51,160
[audience laughing]

214
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:57,560
Uh, yeah, the Earth is in a terrible mess,
and it's my fault. My generation's fault.

215
00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:00,360
And the generation before, the Boomers,

216
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,880
with their deforestation
and their fossil fuels,

217
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:06,680
ruining the ozone layer,
raising the temperature by a few degrees.

218
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:11,440
So parasites, you know, bacteria,
and the zootrophic pandemics

219
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,040
are just gonna get worse and worse.

220
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,480
Like, if you're 20 years old now,

221
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:17,720
you're gonna have
a very different middle age to me.

222
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,120
I've had the best 60 years
of civilization.

223
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:23,080
But if you're 20 now, in 40 years' time,

224
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:26,120
you're gonna be in your house,
wearing a mask...

225
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:27,840
crying.

226
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:29,920
[audience laughing]

227
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,520
Like you do now over jokes.

228
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:35,760
[audience laughing]

229
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:38,080
[audience clapping and cheering]

230
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,840
And I'm not gonna be around to see that,

231
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:45,480
but I am gonna spend my entire fortune,
from now on,

232
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:48,560
on private jets to make sure
it definitely fucking happens.

233
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:49,680
[audience laughing]

234
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:50,680
[woman 2] Whoo!

235
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:51,840
[man 3] Yeah, Ricky!

236
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:55,920
We're gonna be the first generation that
future generations are jealous of, right?

237
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,160
'Cause we had it all,
and we're using it all up.

238
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:02,000
We're using up all the fresh water.
We're using up all the fossil fuel.

239
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:04,240
Usually, you look back in history
and you feel sorry.

240
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:08,520
You go, "Oh, how did they live like that?
Oh, how did they get around?"

241
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,520
"No indoor toilets."

242
00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:13,120
I've got nine toilets in my house.

243
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,880
- [audience laughing]
- Um...

244
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,800
And sometimes, I just run around
flushing 'em for a laugh. Like that.

245
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,240
[audience laughing]

246
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:20,800
Just so that in 40 years' time,

247
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,200
Greta Thunberg
has to shit out of a window.

248
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:25,440
[audience laughing]

249
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:31,640
I've got 28 radiators.
I always have them on full.

250
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,200
Then I put the air con on full,

251
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,920
and it sort of settles
at about 20 degrees.

252
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,160
A lovely... It's how the cat likes it.

253
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,600
She loves it at 20 degrees.
And I... I spoil my cat. Um...

254
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:45,640
I love cats. I love having a cat.

255
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,240
Thing about...
Cats are great, but if you let 'em out,

256
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:50,640
they bring home
the most disgusting things.

257
00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:53,720
Last week, mine brought home
a Scouser with herpes.

258
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,960
[audience laughing]

259
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:59,120
And it wasn't quite dead,
so I had to get it by its legs

260
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,520
and crack its head against the table.

261
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:02,680
- [audience laughing]
- Ugh.

262
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:06,640
[clicks tongue]

263
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,440
And who cares?
If humanity was wiped out today,

264
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,360
the Earth would return to a paradise
in a few hundred years.

265
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,120
If we lose bees, we're a desert, forever.

266
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:16,760
We're not that important.

267
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,760
We're just one species
of narcissistic ape.

268
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:23,320
And some people on social media
get annoyed when I say we're apes.

269
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:25,840
You know, religious types, Americans.

270
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,800
- Um...
- [audience laughing]

271
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,040
One bloke said to me,

272
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:31,560
"Speak for yourself, dude.
I ain't no ape."

273
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:33,816
And I sent back,
"Well, you are, 'cause we're all apes."

274
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,840
He went,
"Nah. What's a gorilla ever done?"

275
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:37,360
"We've walked on the moon."

276
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:40,080
I sent back, "What do you mean, 'we'?
You've done fuck all."

277
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,600
[audience laughing]

278
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:43,160
"You've spelled 'moon' wrong."

279
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,800
[audience laughing]

280
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:48,680
It's weird, isn't it,
when people take credit

281
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:50,400
for the sort of rest of the species.

282
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,800
'Cause that's what's pushed
civilization forward, you know,

283
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,600
a few geniuses along the way.

284
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:58,520
Like, there's eight billion people
on this planet. Most of us do nothing.

285
00:12:58,600 --> 00:12:59,760
We eat, shit, and die.

286
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:02,880
Like, if there was a meteor
heading towards Earth

287
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,240
that'd definitely destroy it,

288
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,880
four billion people
would get down on their knees

289
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:10,320
and pray to their particular god,
and a few hundred scientists

290
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,800
would work out how to get Bruce Willis
up there to stop it.

291
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:14,680
[audience laughing]

292
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,000
It's an odd concept, praying, for me.

293
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:19,040
I can't work out how God decides.

294
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:22,320
All those people praying at once
for different things.

295
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:26,520
Is it like best idea wins,
or is it a democracy?

296
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:27,840
Like, he puts things...

297
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,720
Each issue, he goes,
"Right, votes for and against," you know.

298
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,720
If it's a democracy, we're in trouble.
We're a tiny nation.

299
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:36,520
Like, next time there's a flood warning
in the West Country,

300
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,880
if we're all going,
"Oh, I hope everyone's okay,"

301
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,840
if the whole of China is going,
"Yeah, fuck Bristol..."

302
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,240
[audience laughing]

303
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,320
There's a billion of them.
Know what I mean?

304
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,680
More about China later.

305
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:52,600
[audience laughing]

306
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:58,360
Yeah, I've always, uh,
found praying quite strange.

307
00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:03,200
Like, if I bump into a friend or neighbor,
and I know they've got a little kid,

308
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:05,400
and I go, "Oh, how's so-and-so?"

309
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:09,040
And they go, "Oh, not good.
Um, he's in intensive care."

310
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:12,920
"We don't know if he's gonna pull through,
but I pray every night."

311
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,720
What I do as an experiment...

312
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:16,240
[inhales sharply]

313
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:19,440
[audience laughing]

314
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,200
I go home,

315
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,600
and I pray twice that he doesn't make it.

316
00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:27,040
[audience laughing]

317
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:28,760
[man 4] Oh...

318
00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:30,360
I don't do that.

319
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,440
[audience laughing]

320
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:37,040
On a serious note, um, I've been doing
a lot of video messages recently

321
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:39,320
for terminally-ill children. And, um...

322
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,480
Only if they request it, obviously.
I don't...

323
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,120
[audience laughing]

324
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,680
I don't burst into hospitals and go,
"Wake up, baldy."

325
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,720
[audience laughing]

326
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,000
"Look, me twerking on TikTok. Look."

327
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:51,080
[audience laughing]

328
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,960
No, um, I did a lot through the pandemic.

329
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,801
Presumably, 'cause they couldn't even see
their own family. And, uh...

330
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:01,080
It's through Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Do you know the charity?

331
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,640
They're great, and they give
these dying kids their one wish.

332
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:07,160
And if it's me, I always say yes,
and I always start the video the same way.

333
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,800
I go, "Why didn't you wish to get better?"

334
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:11,880
[audience laughing]

335
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,600
"What, you fucking retarded as well?"

336
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:16,960
[audience laughing]

337
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:18,560
[audience clapping]

338
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,920
[laughs] I don't do that either, okay?

339
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,720
- [audience laughing]
- These are all jokes, okay? [laughs]

340
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:27,880
In fact, I don't even use that word
in real life, the r-word.

341
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,240
"You just used it." "Yeah, in a joke."

342
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:33,240
"That's not real life, is it?
I'm playing a role."

343
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:36,720
"You sounded pretty convincing."
"Yeah, 'cause I'm good."

344
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:38,240
[audience laughing]

345
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,480
You wouldn't level the accusation
at other art forms.

346
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,480
You wouldn't go
up to Sir Anthony Hopkins and go,

347
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:44,280
"I saw you in <i>Silence of the Lambs."</i>

348
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,400
"What, so, you a cannibal, are you?"

349
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,640
"No, I... I was playing a role." "Oh."

350
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:50,920
"Mm, seemed pretty convincing."

351
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,680
- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]

352
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,840
He's good, and I'm good,
and that's why I do things well.

353
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:58,280
Imagine if I came out
and did things not very well,

354
00:15:58,360 --> 00:15:59,640
so you knew I was joking.

355
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,120
That'd be fucking retarded.

356
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,040
[audience laughing]

357
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:10,880
Has anyone bothered asking the dolphins
if they mind swimming with dying kids?

358
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,880
Know what I mean?
'Cause that can't be fun for...

359
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,200
They're, like, flipping around,

360
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:19,040
then suddenly someone dumps a truckload
of pale teenagers flailing...

361
00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:20,800
- [audience laughing]
- The dolphin's like,

362
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:24,560
"What the fuck is this?
What the fuck's this? Oh, fucking hell."

363
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,920
[groans] Oh, let him do it."
"What the fuck?"

364
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:30,256
"They're all... They're all dying."

365
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:33,400
"Of what? That one just stuck his fingers
in my fucking blowhole."

366
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:35,560
[audience laughing]

367
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,640
"He's not gonna be around for long."
"Nor am I if I can't fucking breathe."

368
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,760
[audience laughing]

369
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:42,160
[Gervais laughs]

370
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:47,480
It's very sad, um, but we all die.

371
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:49,960
We all know we're gonna die,
and we all do die,

372
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:53,000
so it doesn't really matter
if we die one at a time along the way,

373
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,440
or all at once,
in one big final Armageddon.

374
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:57,760
The result is,
we're all gonna be dead one day,

375
00:16:57,840 --> 00:16:59,440
and we're all gonna be dead forever.

376
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,520
And I've been to a lot of funerals
in my time.

377
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,720
You live this long,
you know a lot of people, they die, right?

378
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,680
And I don't mind funerals,
'cause it's the end.

379
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,000
You know what I mean? I hate weddings.

380
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:11,496
- Oh, fucking...
- [audience laughing]

381
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,440
It's all... There's so much hope.
You know what I mean?

382
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:16,560
And they're needy and arrogant.

383
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,200
They go, "Oh, we're getting..."

384
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,400
"Do you wanna come
and watch us for 12 hours?"

385
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,160
"No. Fuck, no."

386
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:23,280
[audience laughing]

387
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,280
Even the invite is arrogant, isn't it?

388
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:27,960
It's like a royal decree.
"You are cordially invited..."

389
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,720
It's not a fucking honor.
I don't wanna go to your shitty wedding.

390
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:32,560
- Know what I mean?
- [audience laughing]

391
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,440
And then you go,
"Oh, right, yeah. When is it?"

392
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:36,920
They go, "Two years' time."

393
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,840
They know you haven't got an excuse
for two years' time.

394
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:40,920
[audience laughing]

395
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,120
So you just have to hope
that one of 'em dies.

396
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:44,800
- Know what I mean?
- [audience laughing]

397
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:47,760
And so you go, "Oh, yeah, I'll be there.
Yeah, yeah. Where is it?"

398
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,960
They go, "India." "Oh, fuck off!"

399
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,160
[audience laughing]

400
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,960
I'm not having injections for you,
you boring bastards.

401
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,280
[audience laughing]

402
00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:57,640
And I've got a big family now,
a big extended family.

403
00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:00,480
There's always one getting married.
They know I've got a bit of cash.

404
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:02,080
So I can't give 'em a tea set anymore.

405
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,000
I've gotta get 'em
their first fucking house.

406
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,240
- Know what I mean?
- [audience laughing]

407
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,600
I've got a big family.
I had older brothers and sisters.

408
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:11,096
They all had loads of kids,
and their kids have loads of kids,

409
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:14,440
and their kids have had loads of kids,
'cause we're chavs, basically.

410
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,816
- [audience laughing]
- There's a new baby every Christmas.

411
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:18,080
It's one of those families.

412
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:20,920
I go home, it's crowded.
I go, "Oh. Oh, whose is that?"

413
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,080
"Oh, yours. Well done."

414
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,120
I don't know him, I don't know her.
You know what I mean? It's like...

415
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,800
But what I've done
over the last couple of years,

416
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:31,680
I've got 'em each and individually,
right, in private,

417
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:35,720
and I've told them that I'm leaving
my entire fortune to just them, right?

418
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:36,800
[audience laughing]

419
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:38,280
But to keep it secret.

420
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:39,920
So they all love me, right?

421
00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:41,640
And I'm not doing a will,

422
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:44,640
so my funeral is gonna be
a fucking bloodbath.

423
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,760
[audience laughing]

424
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:52,680
I'm at that age now where people ask me
what I've got planned for my funeral.

425
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:54,816
Even journalists say,
"How... What's your funeral..."

426
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,400
I go, "I haven't planned it."
"No?" "No, it's depressing."

427
00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:58,880
"Also, I don't care. I'll be dead."

428
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,816
They go, "Don't care about
what people think of you?"

429
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:01,760
"No, I'll be dead."

430
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:04,080
They go, "What about your legacy?"
"Fuck my legacy."

431
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,680
You can't plan your legacy.

432
00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:09,000
I think of all these people
who died thinking they'd be loved forever.

433
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:10,160
Eminent people going,

434
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,880
"There is a statue of me
in the town square."

435
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:16,880
And now, they're pulling down the statues.
"Pull down this fucking statue." "Why?"

436
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,760
"He was a slave trader.
Pull down the fucking statue."

437
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:23,320
"He built the hospital. Should we pull
that down?" "No, leave the hospital."

438
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,520
[audience laughing]

439
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,280
"Just pull down the fucking statue."

440
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:31,600
[audience cheering and whistling]

441
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,560
"Pull down the statue
and dump it in the canal."

442
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:39,160
"He built the canal." "Doesn't matter.
Just pull down the fucking statue."

443
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,080
I don't think
you should whitewash history.

444
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:46,400
If you find out summat new, add to it.
Like, if there's a statue, and it's got,

445
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:49,400
"Lord Whimsy. Trader, philanthropist."

446
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,160
Add, "a bit racist."

447
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:52,960
[audience laughing]

448
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:55,080
Or one of those blue plaques
on a house that goes,

449
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:56,880
"Sir Robert Spewk lived here."

450
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:59,360
"Author, poet, pedo."

451
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:00,920
[audience laughing]

452
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,920
I think we live too long. That's why
we have time to worry about all this.

453
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,960
We're not meant to live this long.

454
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,640
Uh, as a species,

455
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:14,960
we're about 300,000 years old,
as <i>Homo sapiens.</i>

456
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,840
We've been around as hominids
for a few million years, and, of course,

457
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:20,560
along with every other life-form
that exists at the moment,

458
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,360
we've been evolving
for three and a half billion years.

459
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,560
Everything that exists at the moment

460
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:27,920
all came from the same little blob
of organic matter

461
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:29,720
three and a half billion years ago.

462
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,440
That's why it annoys me when people say,

463
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:34,040
"Oh, yeah, humans,
we're the most evolved."

464
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:35,200
We're not the most evolved.

465
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:38,480
We're no more evolved
than the slug or the snail.

466
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,760
People go, "Come on, look at 'em."
Yeah, they got it right early doors.

467
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,600
Nature keeps testing 'em.
"Do you want eyes?"

468
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:45,520
"No."

469
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:48,400
[audience laughing]

470
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:51,960
"Not really. No. No."

471
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:54,720
I have noticed one thing
about the slug and the snail.

472
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,800
Let's not split hairs. Let's be honest.

473
00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:01,720
The snail is basically a slug
with a shell on it, isn't it? Right?

474
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:06,800
But if you pull the shell off the snail,
it starts giving it all... [groans]

475
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:07,880
[audience laughing]

476
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:09,680
"Oh, I'm dying. I'm dying."

477
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,760
And the slug is like,
"Welcome to the real world, cunt."

478
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,280
- Know what I mean?
- [audience laughing]

479
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,520
So, yeah, we've been around
for about 300,000 years.

480
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,040
And for most of that time,

481
00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:24,480
we had the same life expectancy
as every other wild ape.

482
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:26,600
Thirty-five, 40, if you're lucky.

483
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:30,120
You're born, you grow, you mate,
you're playing with your kids,

484
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:31,680
you get a cut, you go, "What's that?"

485
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:32,600
Dead.

486
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:33,920
[audience laughing]

487
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,800
But now, with antibiotics and medicine,
we've pushed that forward.

488
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:40,720
A child born today
can expect to live to about 100.

489
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:43,520
And scientists said
soon that'll be about 120.

490
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,520
And science also said that,
in the near future,

491
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,120
there's no reason,
with proper care and attention,

492
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:53,240
that human beings
won't regularly live to 150 years old.

493
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:58,240
Which is amazing, until you remember
that we get a set number of brain cells,

494
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,440
which we only lose.
You can't get them back.

495
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:05,360
So, in the future, there's gonna be
15 billion people on the planet. You know?

496
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:09,480
Half of them are gonna be over 100,
and they're all gonna have Alzheimer's.

497
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:11,440
It's gonna be like <i>Dawn of the Dead.</i>

498
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:14,320
- It's gonna be fucking horrible.
- [audience laughing]

499
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:15,240
You know?

500
00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:17,000
My auntie died of Alzheimer's.

501
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,440
Um, I don't know
how you die of Alzheimer's.

502
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,240
She forgot to live. Right?

503
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,840
[audience laughing]

504
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:26,840
And for the last couple of years,
she was in a home,

505
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,840
and, uh, my cousin, her only kid,
used to visit her, like, once a week.

506
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:32,960
And it got more and more depressing,
'cause soon she didn't recognize him,

507
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:35,640
and then she didn't know who she was, or...
and then she died.

508
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:38,960
And at the funeral, we were sort of
reminiscing about the good days.

509
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:42,760
Some of the funny,
absent-minded things she said and did.

510
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:45,760
Then we realized, oh, probably,
that was the beginning of the disease

511
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,480
before it was diagnosed.

512
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:49,200
And this is a true story.

513
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:53,320
Once, my cousin went home from work,
and he went in, and she went,

514
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:55,920
"Your tea's in the oven.
I've had mine already."

515
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,640
He went, "Oh, cheers, Mum." And he...

516
00:22:57,720 --> 00:22:59,520
It was like a fish pie, right?

517
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,240
He ate the fish pie,
then he went, "Oh God. Ooh."

518
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:03,160
He ran upstairs...

519
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:04,800
[imitates retching]

520
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,000
Vomited. Went back down and went,

521
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:10,280
"Mum, the fish is off.
I've just been really sick."

522
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:13,040
And she said,
"Yeah, it made me really sick."

523
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:15,480
[audience laughing]

524
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:21,600
I've been looking into
infant mortality rates recently.

525
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,000
- Um...
- [audience murmuring]

526
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:27,040
For research. Not...
It's not a fucking fetish. Like...

527
00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:29,240
[audience laughing]

528
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:34,440
A child born today in the UK
has a percentage chance of survival

529
00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:37,680
of 99.8%, which is incredible.

530
00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:40,040
I thought, "Is that just
the mollycoddled West?"

531
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:45,680
I was putting in Third World countries.
And even in Africa, it's like 96.5%.

532
00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:47,080
In the wilds of Africa,

533
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,760
where everything wants
to fucking eat a newborn baby.

534
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,520
Babies are vulnerable enough, aren't they?

535
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:54,160
In Africa, a baby
can be born in a mud hut.

536
00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:55,480
There's a lion outside.

537
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,056
It's covered in blood.
They can't wash it. They've got no water.

538
00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:00,400
Ooh, and it's already got AIDS.

539
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:01,880
[audience laughing]

540
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:02,960
Now...

541
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:06,440
by the time that joke goes on Netflix...

542
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,520
[audience laughing]

543
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:10,160
...it'll be nuanced.

544
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:14,920
There'll be an underlying
satirical point, I'll claim.

545
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:18,240
- [audience laughing]
- But, until then, all I've got is,

546
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:21,040
- "Ha, baby's got AIDS."
- [audience laughing]

547
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:25,600
I know that it's funny.
I just have to work out why.

548
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:27,000
[audience laughing]

549
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:28,880
Leave it with me. Leave it with me.

550
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,800
Also, by the time that goes on Netflix,

551
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:33,760
I'll have been playing
arenas around the world.

552
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:35,960
It'll be hitting hard.
People will be laughing.

553
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:39,560
So if you are an African woman,
and you... you just had a baby in Africa,

554
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:42,600
and the doctor goes,
"Oh, I'm sorry, your baby's got AIDS."

555
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:45,240
You go, "Oh my God."
You're there... Baby's got...

556
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,800
You're there with your husband,
and you go, "Our baby's got AIDS, Jeff."

557
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:49,720
Jeff... [laughs]

558
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,800
[audience laughing]

559
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:55,840
[laughing]

560
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:57,920
"I know, Tracy. I've got it too."

561
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,680
- [imitates extinguishing cigarette]
- [audience laughing]

562
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:01,760
[laughs]

563
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:05,320
"Our baby's got AIDS. Should we watch
some comedy to cheer us up?"

564
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,920
"Yeah. What, Netflix?" "Yeah."

565
00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:10,280
"What, Ricky Gervais?" "Duh."

566
00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:11,560
- "Yeah."
- [audience laughing]

567
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:13,656
And they're... they're sad
that their baby's got AIDS,

568
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:15,200
but they're sort of laughing along.

569
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:16,720
"Ha-ha. <i>Armageddon.</i> Ha-ha."

570
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,600
And it gets to that bit,
"Ha, baby's got AIDS."

571
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:24,160
And she goes, "Oh my God.
Jeff, why... why are they all laughing at us

572
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:25,960
and our baby with AIDS?"

573
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:28,560
And Jeff goes,
"Well, they're not laughing at us per se."

574
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:31,040
She goes, "Well, they are.
They've named us and everything."

575
00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:33,600
"They're literally laughing at us
in this bit."

576
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:36,600
- [Gervais laughing]
- [audience laughing]

577
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:37,920
And Jeff goes,

578
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:41,280
"Yeah, but we're a fictional couple
with a fictional baby with AIDS."

579
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:43,600
"Anyone offended by that
is a fucking moron."

580
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:44,680
[audience laughing]

581
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,960
And then, he goes,
"And at least he didn't do the accent."

582
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:51,480
- So...
- [audience laughing]

583
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:55,880
And she goes, "Yeah,
but only because Jane begged him not to."

584
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:58,440
- [Gervais laughing]
- [audience laughing]

585
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:00,360
It's funny 'cause it's true.

586
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:03,960
[audience clapping and cheering]

587
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:08,080
I think we get our sense of humor
from our parents,

588
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:09,880
whether we realize it or not.

589
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:13,240
Particularly working-class kids.
Particularly from working-class mums.

590
00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:15,560
'Cause they're busy.
They're doing everything.

591
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:16,960
They're keeping men in check,

592
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:18,920
they're bringing up kids,
they're going to work,

593
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:20,840
they're saving the world.
They haven't got time.

594
00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:23,280
They have to frighten their kids
into behaving well.

595
00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:26,760
They have to go to dark places
to shock them into not fucking dying.

596
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:29,920
Do you know what I mean?
So... Like, if I was little,

597
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,560
and my mum made my tea,
and it wasn't my favorite,

598
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,080
it was boiled potatoes,
instead of chips every day,

599
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:36,800
and I went, "I don't like them,"

600
00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:38,960
my mum would go straight to,
"Of course you do."

601
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:41,720
"There's children your age
in Africa and they're starving to death."

602
00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:44,600
Right? I'd go, "Jesus. All right."
You know what I mean?

603
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:45,760
Ju... [snapping fingers]

604
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:50,280
True story. I was seven years old, right,
and I'd been playing in the park.

605
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:54,080
And I came running in, and my mum went,
"Ricky, come here. Sit down."

606
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:56,240
There must've been
a local pedo incident, all right?

607
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,000
[audience laughing]

608
00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:01,200
And my mum went, "Never go
in the toilets in the park again."

609
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:02,800
And I went, "Why?"

610
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:06,160
She knew she couldn't explain pedophilia
to a seven-year-old, right?

611
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,160
But this is what she came up with.

612
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,280
She said,
"Because there's a man going around,

613
00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:13,560
and he's cutting
little boys' willies off."

614
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,720
[audience laughing]

615
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:16,800
I was like...

616
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:21,320
"What, that's a fucking thing, is it?
That's a..."

617
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:24,000
I didn't sleep for a week. Uh...

618
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:26,280
[audience laughing]

619
00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:29,720
And it worked. I never went
in those fucking toilets again.

620
00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:31,040
But she knew, instinctively.

621
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:32,920
If she'd gone, "Ricky, come in. Sit down."

622
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:34,976
"What's the matter?"
"Never go in the toilets again."

623
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,160
"Why not?" "There's a pedophile."
"What's a pedophile?"

624
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,920
"Oh, he's a man who gives you
sweets and puppies."

625
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,296
- "Bring it on!" You know what I mean?
- [audience laughing]

626
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:45,400
Me... At seven years old?
I'd wank off anyone for a puppy.

627
00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:46,360
[audience laughing]

628
00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:48,400
It'd be like that, wouldn't it?
It'd be like that.

629
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:50,440
[audience laughing]

630
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:54,120
I'm gonna get a puppy.

631
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:55,520
[audience laughing]

632
00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:56,440
Hi.

633
00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:58,440
I'm getting a puppy. I'm getting a puppy.

634
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:01,560
Gonna get a puppy.

635
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:03,280
Oh, fucking hell.

636
00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:04,880
[audience laughing]

637
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,640
Oh, I can't...
I cannot do it left-handed at all.

638
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:09,200
[audience laughing]

639
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:11,080
Fucking hell, come on.

640
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:13,320
Have you been drinking?

641
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:14,680
[audience laughing]

642
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:17,960
Oh, Jesus Christ.

643
00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:19,200
Come on!

644
00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:20,960
[audience laughing]

645
00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:23,360
Fucking hell. Oh.

646
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:27,880
[Gervais laughing]

647
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:31,360
I've started, so I'll finish.

648
00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:35,000
- [Gervais laughing]
- [audience laughing]

649
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:38,000
Oh. Oh, fuck me. Oh.

650
00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:39,920
What sort of puppy is it?

651
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:41,840
[audience laughing]

652
00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:44,360
A what? A Labrador?

653
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,840
[audience laughing]

654
00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:49,440
Throw in a kitten,
and I'll give you a blow job. [laughs]

655
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:51,640
I go back. Kitten, puppy, cum.

656
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:55,560
- [audience laughing]
- [Gervais laughing]

657
00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:00,120
Oh...

658
00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:03,080
- I miss the local pedo.
- [audience laughing]

659
00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:05,880
Don't you?
There was always one, wasn't there?

660
00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:09,280
Outside school, you'd be with your mum,
and she'd go, "Look, there's a pedophile."

661
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:11,720
'Cause he had the uniform of the pedo.
You know what I mean?

662
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:15,440
You could spot... Old bloke, bald on top,
long down the side. Like that.

663
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:17,720
And I'll go, "That's a dirty p..."
"Say hello."

664
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:21,560
"Hello." Like that. Dirty look.
That's what a fucking pedo looks...

665
00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:24,200
Dirty fucking pedophile, right?
That's what he'd look...

666
00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:26,280
If he touches you,
we'll burn his house down.

667
00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:28,200
It was a good system. Know what I mean?

668
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:32,000
But then Michael Jackson comes along,
and he breaks the mold, doesn't he?

669
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:34,480
'Cause he's... he's not an ugly bloke
outside the school.

670
00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:37,480
I'm not saying Michael Jackson
definitely was a pedophile. No one knows.

671
00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:39,520
Only Michael
and all those people he paid off.

672
00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:41,400
- All I'm saying is...
- [audience laughing]

673
00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:42,560
[woman 3] Yes!

674
00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:43,560
...that

675
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:45,000
kids loved Michael.

676
00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:47,520
They...
Kids loved Michael just to look at him.

677
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:50,880
Like a little Disney cartoon, wasn't he?
And then his voice, "Hello."

678
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:52,496
- You know, that...
- [audience laughing]

679
00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:55,840
Oh. Michael Jackson would go up
to any kid he wanted.

680
00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:58,160
Probably went up to them like that,
didn't he? Like that.

681
00:29:58,240 --> 00:29:59,920
[audience laughing]

682
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:01,440
That's another thing. Kids would go,

683
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:03,520
"There's Michael Jackson.
He's going away from us."

684
00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:06,160
- He wasn't. He was going towards them.
- [audience laughing]

685
00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:08,960
But people don't care,

686
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:10,440
'cause he's so good.

687
00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:13,440
Right? He's so good.
He's so popular as well.

688
00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:16,840
I think if he'd have lived to stand trial,
he'd have beaten the rap,

689
00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:17,960
'cause everyone loves him,

690
00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,280
and he'd be so vulnerable
in court as well, wouldn't he?

691
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:22,280
He'd be there like that,
and the judge would go,

692
00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:24,280
"Michael, did you fiddle
with all those kids?"

693
00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:25,840
And he'd go, "Hee, hee."

694
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:28,080
[audience laughing]

695
00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:31,720
The judge would go, "Case di...
Get out of here, you scamp. Go on."

696
00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:33,600
[audience laughing]

697
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:36,120
I promised you more about China,

698
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:39,600
and this is, uh,
an amazing statistic, okay?

699
00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:41,120
This is true. Look it up, right?

700
00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:42,240
In China,

701
00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:45,480
there are ten million Chinese pedophiles.

702
00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:49,880
Ten million Chinese pedophiles in China,
and there's not enough kids.

703
00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:52,240
'Cause they've been restricting the birth.

704
00:30:52,320 --> 00:30:54,160
There's all these poor pedos
and they're going,

705
00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:55,840
"Where's all the fucking kids?"

706
00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:57,640
- You know?
- [audience laughing]

707
00:30:57,720 --> 00:30:59,200
- "Fuck me."
- [audience yelling]

708
00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:01,400
"We're having to double up here,
and, like..."

709
00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:03,800
I just thought of a joke then.
I can't do it.

710
00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:06,120
It is actually too offensive. [laughs]

711
00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:08,280
- Okay. Okay. All right.
- [audience cheering]

712
00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:11,800
All right, I'll do it.
But... But remember, remember,

713
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:14,400
you can't choose your own thoughts, okay?

714
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:17,360
- [audience laughing]
- And I just had this thought, right?

715
00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:18,280
[laughs]

716
00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:20,240
[audience yelling]

717
00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:21,200
Chi... Okay.

718
00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:24,880
Chinese pedophile... Chinese pedophile
goes over to a little Chinese kid,

719
00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:28,240
and he goes, "Do you want a puppy?"
And the kid goes, "I'm not hungry."

720
00:31:28,320 --> 00:31:30,040
[audience laughing]

721
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:31,720
[audience clapping]

722
00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:33,560
[audience cheering]

723
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:36,920
You made me do that.

724
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:39,056
- [audience laughing]
- You committed the hate crime.

725
00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:40,320
[audience laughing]

726
00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:42,800
I'm woke. I forgot.
Let me get back on track. Right.

727
00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:45,040
- [audience laughing]
- Right, I've got a woke joke.

728
00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:48,360
Remember those jokes we used to have
when we were kids? "Doctor, Doctor" jokes?

729
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:51,320
Like, um, "Doctor, doctor,
I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains."

730
00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:53,360
"Well, pull yourself together, then."
Right?

731
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:58,480
I've... I've done a woke version of that,
brought it up to today's standards.

732
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:00,800
Bloke goes to the doctor. He goes,

733
00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,560
"Doctor, doctor,
I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains."

734
00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:05,600
And the doctor goes,
"Well, you are, then."

735
00:32:05,680 --> 00:32:07,680
[audience laughing]

736
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:08,960
[audience clapping]

737
00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:14,000
Good one that, innit?

738
00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:18,200
I should do political stuff now I'm woke,

739
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:21,640
but I don't like it when a comedian
just spouts his own political views,

740
00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:23,896
and it... and it relies on the audience
agreeing with him

741
00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:25,000
to get a round of applause.

742
00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:26,680
I think that loses summat comedically.

743
00:32:26,760 --> 00:32:29,680
I want everyone to like my jokes,
whatever your political persuasion.

744
00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:31,680
A joke shouldn't have
a political wing, you know.

745
00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:34,880
I'm... I'm political in my private life,
like everyone, you know.

746
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:38,080
I'm sometimes incensed
by the inequalities in our society.

747
00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:41,680
We're in the seventh richest economy
in the world, right,

748
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:42,840
and there's homelessness.

749
00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:45,520
There's 250,000 homeless people
in Britain.

750
00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:47,520
Now, I wish there were no homeless people,

751
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:49,120
'cause they're fucking horrible.

752
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:50,480
- [audience laughing]
- Fuck off.

753
00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:51,720
You know? Oh...

754
00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:54,760
"Oh yeah, right next to the cashpoint,
you cheeky cunt."

755
00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:56,680
[audience laughing]

756
00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:04,840
It is a serious problem, and I hope
none of you ever find yourself homeless,

757
00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:07,560
but if you do, my advice is heroin.

758
00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:09,160
[audience laughing]

759
00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:10,960
Cheers you right up, apparently.

760
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:13,320
Um, I've got one of those mates.

761
00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:15,320
My mate said this to me
in all seriousness.

762
00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:18,136
He said, "Yeah." He said, "But the thing
about heroin, Rick," he said,

763
00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:21,216
"Some of the greatest albums of all time
were created on heroin, weren't they?"

764
00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:25,080
I went, "Yeah, but they were created by
some of the greatest artists of all time."

765
00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:26,520
"You're a plasterer."

766
00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:28,880
- Right?
- [audience laughing]

767
00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:30,160
"If I were to give you heroin,

768
00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:32,496
you wouldn't come up
with <i>Dark Side of the Moon,</i> would ya?"

769
00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:35,296
"You'd fall asleep watching the telly
and burn the fucking house down."

770
00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:37,320
[audience laughing]

771
00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:42,120
I should do, uh, topical stuff,
but I never watch the news.

772
00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:45,000
I did see one thing recently
on YouTube actually.

773
00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:47,480
Do you know the little fellow
from <i>Game of Thrones?</i>

774
00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:50,960
Um, the actor Peter Dinklage.
Do you know Peter Dinklage? Yeah.

775
00:33:51,040 --> 00:33:54,680
He was at a junket, and it was for
a new thing he was doing, right?

776
00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:57,600
And they were filming it.
That's why it got leaked onto YouTube.

777
00:33:57,680 --> 00:34:01,440
And I don't know what brought it up,
but he suddenly started going off on one.

778
00:34:01,520 --> 00:34:04,400
Oh God. He was going,
"It's fucking disgusting."

779
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:07,720
"They're still doing productions
of <i>Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."</i>

780
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:11,480
"For Christ's sake!
It's fucking demeaning. It's 2023!"

781
00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:13,280
[inhales deeply] He wasn't happy.

782
00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:16,400
[audience laughing]

783
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:17,800
[audience clapping]

784
00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:19,760
[woman 4 yelling]

785
00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:22,320
He was grumpy, wasn't he?

786
00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:24,400
- [audience laughing]
- [woman 5 yelling]

787
00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:26,400
[audience clapping]

788
00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:30,480
He's got a point though, hasn't he?
Obviously, he's got a point.

789
00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:32,240
But the thing is, it's all right for him,

790
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:35,240
'cause he's a multi-millionaire
Hollywood actor.

791
00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:38,560
And he's a great actor as well.
He does Shakespeare and everything.

792
00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:41,760
A lot of dwarfs in entertainment
aren't that great, if we're...

793
00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:44,600
No, some of them are fucking...
They're props, right?

794
00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:46,136
- [audience laughing]
- No, let's be...

795
00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:49,560
They're... They're lucky to be fired
from a fucking cannon. Right?

796
00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:51,000
[audience laughing]

797
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:54,920
And so, dancing around Snow White
for three weeks of the year,

798
00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:57,320
that is their Holy Grail,
and he's gonna fuck it for them.

799
00:34:57,400 --> 00:35:00,000
If he takes that, what can they do?
And he's not saying,

800
00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:02,960
"You should do <i>Snow White and the
Seven Dwarfs</i> with normal-sized actors."

801
00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:05,376
You can't do that either.
You'd get in trouble in Hollywood.

802
00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:07,920
Or you can't take a dwarf's job
or a disabled person's job.

803
00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:10,360
Like, Eddie Redmayne got in trouble

804
00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:12,680
when he played Stephen Hawking
in the biopic.

805
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:15,800
The life story of Stephen Hawking, right?
Won an Oscar for it.

806
00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:17,480
And that's when the backlash started.

807
00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:21,440
People going, "No, it should be played
by a real disabled creature."

808
00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:24,160
All this... [babbles] All right?
And, uh... [babbles]

809
00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:25,760
And...

810
00:35:26,240 --> 00:35:27,800
[catches breath] They're going,

811
00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:32,480
"The actor should have the same disability
as the person they're portraying."

812
00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:36,240
But it was the life story
of Stephen Hawking, right?

813
00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:39,960
So for the first part of the film,
the cunt could walk, right?

814
00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:41,160
[audience laughing]

815
00:35:41,240 --> 00:35:45,880
So I put it to you, what is easier?
Getting an actor who can walk...

816
00:35:46,400 --> 00:35:47,640
[audience laughing]

817
00:35:47,720 --> 00:35:50,720
...pretend he can't
for the last bit of the film,

818
00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:55,080
or get an actor who can't walk,

819
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:57,720
pretend he can for the first bit?

820
00:35:57,800 --> 00:36:00,960
How would that even fucking work?!
Puppetry? Think!

821
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:03,000
[audience laughing and clapping]

822
00:36:03,080 --> 00:36:04,440
You can't always find an actor

823
00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:06,840
with the same disability
as the person they're portraying.

824
00:36:06,920 --> 00:36:08,000
They're fucking actors!

825
00:36:08,080 --> 00:36:11,840
What if they did a biopic of Helen Keller,
the deaf, dumb, and blind girl?

826
00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:15,680
What's the chance of finding a deaf, dumb,
and blind actress who can play that role?

827
00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:17,680
And if you did,
you'd go running to the director.

828
00:36:17,720 --> 00:36:21,160
"We found a deaf, dumb, and blind girl."
"What did she say?" "N... I..."

829
00:36:21,240 --> 00:36:24,200
- [audience laughing]
- [Gervais laughs]

830
00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:26,200
"She didn't even answer
the fucking phone."

831
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:28,200
- [audience laughing]
- [Gervais laughing]

832
00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:30,480
Oh, don't get me started. Oh.

833
00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:33,480
Oh.

834
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:36,840
Cultural appropriation.
Have you heard of that?

835
00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:39,880
Cultural appropriation, the latest no-no.

836
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:44,680
Now, again, in my day,
it was considered a good thing

837
00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:47,920
to swap ideas
with other cultures, with other nations,

838
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:50,640
to share things
with other races, to assimilate.

839
00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:53,320
It was the opposite of racist.
Now it's racist.

840
00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:56,000
Gwen Stefani got in trouble
in her last video

841
00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:57,840
'cause she had
her blonde hair in dreadlocks.

842
00:36:57,880 --> 00:37:00,136
People were going,
"No. Black people invented dreadlocks."

843
00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:02,120
"You can't have 'em.
You're white. That's racist."

844
00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:03,760
Jamie Oliver got in trouble

845
00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:05,960
when he put out
an authentic jerk chicken recipe.

846
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:07,800
"No. Black people invented that."

847
00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:09,840
"You can't have it.
You're white. That's racist."

848
00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:12,600
Now, Black people,
they use the n-word, don't they?

849
00:37:12,680 --> 00:37:14,440
We invented that!

850
00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:16,840
[audience laughing]

851
00:37:16,920 --> 00:37:18,680
[audience clapping]

852
00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:26,760
[laughter continues]

853
00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:31,360
- [audience cheering]
- [Gervais laughs]

854
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:33,200
[audience clapping]

855
00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:39,600
- That's the one, innit? That's the one.
- [audience laughing]

856
00:37:39,680 --> 00:37:42,480
Listen, I know white people are the worst.
I know that.

857
00:37:42,560 --> 00:37:47,760
That's why no... no one likes
a fucking white, middle-aged man anymore,

858
00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:49,440
until we need a boiler fixing.

859
00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:52,200
Then it's,
"Get the bald bloke around. Now."

860
00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:53,400
[audience laughing]

861
00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:55,640
Critical race theory,
have you heard of that?

862
00:37:55,720 --> 00:37:59,600
Being taught in schools now,
particularly in trendy areas like L.A.,

863
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:02,560
to, like, five-year-old kids
and six-year-old kids.

864
00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:04,320
If you haven't heard of it, in a nutshell,

865
00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:07,160
critical race theory says that
all white people are racist.

866
00:38:07,240 --> 00:38:09,480
We're born racist,
and we continue to be racist,

867
00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:12,040
'cause we're affording the privilege
of a racist society

868
00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:14,000
set up by our forefathers. Okay?

869
00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:15,840
So basically, all white people are racist,

870
00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:18,720
and there's nothing we can do about it,
which is a relief.

871
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,320
- Um...
- [audience laughing]

872
00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:27,560
I think the world's gonna get
harder and harder to understand

873
00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:29,240
as I get older and more bewildered.

874
00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:31,920
A new dogma arises
in the name of "progress."

875
00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:35,280
Now, dogma is never progressive,
however new and trendy.

876
00:38:35,360 --> 00:38:37,080
But I think soon I'll be outnumbered.

877
00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:41,240
Like, it was only this year
that I ordered my first item off Amazon.

878
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:44,080
All the way through the pandemic,
Jane's like, "We need this."

879
00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:46,920
Bang, it's here. I was going, "Oh no."
She goes, "It's easy."

880
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:50,480
I'd go, "Mm." I never liked
real shopping either. Hated real shopping.

881
00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:52,000
Particularly, clothes shopping.

882
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:54,880
I hated clothes shopping
when I was young and thin.

883
00:38:54,960 --> 00:38:57,760
I really hate it
now I'm fat and old. Right?

884
00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:01,200
Once, a shop assistant
thought I had my inside leg

885
00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:03,600
and my waist measurement
the wrong way round.

886
00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:05,480
[audience laughing]

887
00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:08,640
I could see her thinking,
"Do you have an orangutan?"

888
00:39:08,720 --> 00:39:10,240
"No, it's for me, you cheeky..."

889
00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:12,600
[audience laughing]

890
00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:15,936
I never liked real shopping,
but I don't trust the Internet either.

891
00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:18,080
Jane was going,
"Just put in your credit card."

892
00:39:18,160 --> 00:39:19,880
"I don't want them
to have my card details."

893
00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:22,016
"Everyone's got your card details.
Put the number in."

894
00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:23,656
I went, "What one?"
She went, "The long one."

895
00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:27,040
She went, "Oh, fuck me, give it here.
There. You're on. Order summat."

896
00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:30,480
I thought, "Oh, I don't want anything.
Oh, tracksuit bottoms."

897
00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:33,600
You can't have too many. I wear mine
till the bollocks fall out, all right?

898
00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:34,720
[audience laughing]

899
00:39:34,800 --> 00:39:38,480
So I put in, "Men's tracksuit bottoms.
Black. Zip pockets."

900
00:39:38,560 --> 00:39:40,760
About 38... "Oh, fuck me."

901
00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:44,480
"They look all right." Size chart.
I go, "Well, they'd be a bit long,

902
00:39:44,560 --> 00:39:48,360
but they'd be a bit tight." I thought,
"9.99. Fuck it, who cares, right?"

903
00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:50,016
- [audience laughing]
- So I ordered them.

904
00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:52,960
They came the next day.
I opened them up. They were shit.

905
00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:56,480
Now, I don't know
what sweat shop they were made in,

906
00:39:56,560 --> 00:39:59,920
or what little eight-year-old
Chinese kid made them,

907
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:02,600
but he should be fucking punished,
because the... Ah.

908
00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:03,920
- [audience laughing]
- Oh.

909
00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:07,520
And I was looking up
where to fucking complain

910
00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:09,160
to get him fired, right?

911
00:40:09,240 --> 00:40:10,120
[audience laughing]

912
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:13,560
And I found out that these kids
only get two dollars a day

913
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:15,640
in these fucking places, right?

914
00:40:15,720 --> 00:40:19,640
But what happened to pride in your work?
Do you know what I mean?

915
00:40:19,720 --> 00:40:21,120
[audience laughing]

916
00:40:21,200 --> 00:40:22,880
And I can tell some of you are thinking,

917
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:25,080
"But he didn't think
Ricky Gervais would order them."

918
00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:28,520
Maybe he should be told there's a chance
that Ricky Gervais might order them.

919
00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:32,320
His owner should sit him down,
right, and say,

920
00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:34,480
"If Ricky Gervais orders these
and complains,

921
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:36,160
I'm gonna rape your mummy again."

922
00:40:36,240 --> 00:40:37,760
[audience laughing and gasping]

923
00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:39,880
Was that too much? Sorry.

924
00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:41,120
[audience laughing]

925
00:40:41,200 --> 00:40:42,960
Leave it with me. Leave it with me.

926
00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:45,040
[audience clapping]

927
00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:48,560
You'll realize this is great satire
when I'm dead.

928
00:40:48,640 --> 00:40:51,200
[audience laughing]

929
00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:54,680
So, uh...
I don't know how humanity will end.

930
00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:57,840
As I say, there's a long list.
Everything from...

931
00:40:57,920 --> 00:41:01,600
I can't believe nuclear war is back
on the table, after all we've learned.

932
00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:04,080
But I think maybe the rise
of the pandemic,

933
00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:07,320
where parasites and microbes
and bacteria again are...

934
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:08,960
And our antibiotics fail.

935
00:41:09,040 --> 00:41:11,840
Or maybe those things will happen,
but we'll sort of evolve through it.

936
00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:16,360
Like, we'll find out there's pockets
of sort of mutant people

937
00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:18,721
around the world
that are slightly resistant to radiation,

938
00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:21,800
and slightly resistant to microbes,
and we sort of start again.

939
00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:27,240
We don't really understand the mechanism
of human evolution since civilization,

940
00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:30,880
because it's never been based on,
you know, survival of the fittest

941
00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:34,440
where "fittest" meant
just the biggest, strongest male

942
00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:36,040
gets to pass on his genetic material.

943
00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:37,600
There's other paradigms, right?

944
00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:39,120
Uh, nature is brutal.

945
00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:41,760
Sometimes it is the biggest,
strongest male that gets the female.

946
00:41:41,840 --> 00:41:43,520
And even then, she has a litter.

947
00:41:43,600 --> 00:41:46,080
If there's a runt, she goes,
"Fuck it. Kill that."

948
00:41:46,160 --> 00:41:49,720
"Eat it. Share it amongst the rest of us."
Now we don't do that in human society.

949
00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:50,880
We go to the other way.

950
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:55,200
We spend more time, care, and attention
on the weak and the vulnerable

951
00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:56,680
to give 'em a chance. Like...

952
00:41:56,760 --> 00:41:59,320
If you're a father,
and you've got two kids...

953
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:02,160
You've got little Timmy, who's six. Right?

954
00:42:02,240 --> 00:42:04,160
You've got Jack, who's eight.

955
00:42:04,240 --> 00:42:07,680
And you go to little Timmy, you go,
"Timmy, what do you want for Christmas?"

956
00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:08,600
And he goes,

957
00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:10,880
[in high-pitched voice]
"Motorized wheelchair."

958
00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:12,000
[in regular voice] Aha...

959
00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:15,800
I promised Jane I wouldn't do the voice,
and I fucking forgot.

960
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:17,880
[audience laughing]

961
00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:21,680
It's too late now, innit?

962
00:42:22,680 --> 00:42:24,320
"What do you want for Christmas, Timmy?"

963
00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:26,240
[in high-pitched voice]
"Motorized wheelchair."

964
00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:27,240
[audience laughing]

965
00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:29,840
[in regular voice] "Right.
Well, they start at two grand, so..."

966
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:31,040
"Fucking hell."

967
00:42:31,120 --> 00:42:32,320
[audience laughing]

968
00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:35,160
"What do you want, Jack?"
"Just a tennis racket, please, Dad."

969
00:42:35,240 --> 00:42:36,600
"Oh, good lad."

970
00:42:36,680 --> 00:42:37,840
[audience laughing]

971
00:42:37,920 --> 00:42:41,040
"How is your tennis?"
"Uh, best in the school." "Oh, you..."

972
00:42:41,120 --> 00:42:42,480
[mumbles]

973
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:44,120
[in high-pitched voice] "Also, a ramp."

974
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:45,320
[in regular voice] "Fuck me."

975
00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:47,200
[audience laughing]

976
00:42:47,280 --> 00:42:50,920
"So now we're doing fucking building work
at Christmas, are we? Fuck me."

977
00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:53,200
"Oh, sorry, Jack.
Can't afford your tennis racket."

978
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:55,920
"We gotta spend all the money
on a ramp and a motorized wheelchair

979
00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:57,760
for this money-grabbing little fucking..."

980
00:42:57,840 --> 00:42:59,640
[audience laughing]

981
00:42:59,720 --> 00:43:02,800
"Why do you need a motorized one?"
[in high-pitched voice] "No arms."

982
00:43:02,880 --> 00:43:04,000
[audience laughing]

983
00:43:04,080 --> 00:43:06,480
[in regular voice]
"That's fair enough. That is fair enough."

984
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:11,200
I can tell some of you feel
a bit uncomfortable

985
00:43:11,960 --> 00:43:15,480
laughing at little Timmy
who's a little six-year-old lad.

986
00:43:15,560 --> 00:43:18,720
He's got a funny little voice
'cause his chest is all fucked.

987
00:43:18,800 --> 00:43:21,480
- [Gervais laughs]
- [audience laughing]

988
00:43:21,560 --> 00:43:25,320
Got no arms, no legs.
Just like stumps, right?

989
00:43:25,400 --> 00:43:27,800
But let me... let me tell you summat
about Timmy

990
00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:29,560
to make you feel better about yourselves.

991
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:31,160
He's a fucking racist.

992
00:43:31,240 --> 00:43:35,040
- [audience laughing]
- Yes. Horrible little shit, he is.

993
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:38,520
"You fucking... You little fucking bigot."

994
00:43:39,040 --> 00:43:42,400
"You fucking...
You disgusting, little fucking racist."

995
00:43:42,480 --> 00:43:43,560
"You racist scum."

996
00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:46,760
"You filthy little fucking... You fascist."

997
00:43:46,840 --> 00:43:49,240
"You fuck... [spits] You disgust me."

998
00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:51,880
[audience cheering and clapping]

999
00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:54,360
[woman 6 yells]

1000
00:43:55,720 --> 00:43:56,760
Homophobic.

1001
00:43:57,280 --> 00:43:59,680
Yeah. He's like, "They're not like us."

1002
00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:03,360
"Nothing's like you,
you disgusting little fucking..."

1003
00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:06,360
"You prejudiced little piece of...
You ball of hate."

1004
00:44:06,440 --> 00:44:09,640
"You disgusting little
fucking racist homophobe."

1005
00:44:09,720 --> 00:44:11,360
"I wish we'd had a scan."

1006
00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:14,000
- [audience laughing]
- "You absolute... You..." [spits]

1007
00:44:16,040 --> 00:44:17,920
[audience murmuring]

1008
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:22,480
Misogynist.

1009
00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:25,520
If he could, he'd rape.

1010
00:44:25,600 --> 00:44:27,920
- There's... [laughs]
- [audience laughing]

1011
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:29,560
There's your little Timmy.

1012
00:44:30,080 --> 00:44:32,080
[laughing]

1013
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:35,000
[inhales deeply]

1014
00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:37,480
Some people don't think we evolved
in the first place.

1015
00:44:37,560 --> 00:44:40,640
Some people think that God made us
all at once, in one fell swoop,

1016
00:44:40,720 --> 00:44:42,000
and by himself.

1017
00:44:42,080 --> 00:44:44,760
I think if he'd had a wife or a mate,
there would've been questions

1018
00:44:44,840 --> 00:44:47,160
when he was working.
They go, "What are you doing?"

1019
00:44:47,240 --> 00:44:48,080
[inhales deeply]

1020
00:44:48,160 --> 00:44:51,120
"Creating man. Creating man."
"Oh, what's it got?"

1021
00:44:51,720 --> 00:44:55,360
"What do you mean, 'what's it got?'"
"Has he got claws, and fangs, and shit?"

1022
00:44:55,440 --> 00:44:58,080
"No, not really. No."
"Oh. Has he got... Has he got poison?"

1023
00:44:58,160 --> 00:45:00,360
"No, no poison." "Oh."

1024
00:45:00,440 --> 00:45:02,720
"Has he got armor, like spikes and shit?"

1025
00:45:02,800 --> 00:45:05,160
"No, no armor." "How will it survive?"

1026
00:45:05,240 --> 00:45:08,200
"Ah. It's got the best brain
in the animal kingdom."

1027
00:45:08,280 --> 00:45:09,480
"It'll work stuff out."

1028
00:45:09,560 --> 00:45:14,040
"It'll create weaponry to take down beasts
100 times mightier than itself."

1029
00:45:14,120 --> 00:45:16,320
"It'll wear their carcasses
through the Ice Age."

1030
00:45:16,400 --> 00:45:19,160
"It'll go through famine.
It'll go through world wars."

1031
00:45:19,240 --> 00:45:21,960
"It'll eventually start
getting scared of words."

1032
00:45:22,040 --> 00:45:24,760
[audience laughing]

1033
00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:26,000
"But...

1034
00:45:26,080 --> 00:45:28,080
- [Gervais laughing]
- [audience cheering]

1035
00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:31,680
[audience clapping]

1036
00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:36,600
...for 10,000 generations,
it'll be top dog." [growls]

1037
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:39,200
"What are they?" "His testicles." "Oh."

1038
00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:41,560
"What are they for?"
"He keeps everything in there."

1039
00:45:41,640 --> 00:45:46,720
"His... His seed, his DNA." "What's 'DNA'?"
"It's like a blueprint for life."

1040
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:49,200
"It determines what you're like,
what sex you are." [gasps]

1041
00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:51,000
"How many sexes are there?" "Two."

1042
00:45:51,560 --> 00:45:53,520
[audience laughing]

1043
00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:55,600
- [audience cheering]
- [Gervais laughs]

1044
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:02,240
"Also, that's where he keeps
his testosterone,

1045
00:46:02,320 --> 00:46:04,080
so he's fucking well hard. Right?"

1046
00:46:04,160 --> 00:46:07,560
"And if you take a finger
and flick a testicle, he's fucked."

1047
00:46:07,640 --> 00:46:10,680
"He's absolutely fucked. He's...
He's throwing up. He's on the floor."

1048
00:46:10,760 --> 00:46:13,440
"He's out of the game.
Absolutely kippered."

1049
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:16,800
"Why are you putting it on the outside?"
"For a laugh. Just for a laugh."

1050
00:46:16,880 --> 00:46:18,880
[audience laughing]

1051
00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:22,400
Artificial intelligence,

1052
00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:25,160
the latest existential threat to humanity.

1053
00:46:25,240 --> 00:46:26,600
The rise of the robots.

1054
00:46:26,680 --> 00:46:30,720
So intelligent, they can teach themselves.
They can teach each other.

1055
00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:32,880
They can build each other, you know?

1056
00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:35,960
Um, soon, they'll know everything
there is to know and they'll hate us.

1057
00:46:36,040 --> 00:46:37,040
Why wouldn't they?

1058
00:46:37,080 --> 00:46:40,520
And they'll be so realistic. They'll walk
amongst us. They'll go to work, right?

1059
00:46:40,600 --> 00:46:42,280
You know when they're getting
really human?

1060
00:46:42,320 --> 00:46:45,000
- When they start calling in sick.
- [audience laughing]

1061
00:46:45,080 --> 00:46:46,800
Mondays. Know what I mean?

1062
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:50,240
They've learned all the tricks.
They go, "I'm not coming in today."

1063
00:46:50,800 --> 00:46:52,800
"Why not?" "I'm fed up."

1064
00:46:53,640 --> 00:46:56,600
"What's the matter with you?"
They sort of scan social media.

1065
00:46:56,680 --> 00:46:57,920
"ADHD."

1066
00:46:58,000 --> 00:46:59,680
[audience laughing]

1067
00:46:59,760 --> 00:47:01,440
"Self-diagnosed."

1068
00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:04,520
They'll be in HR all the time
where they'll be like,

1069
00:47:04,600 --> 00:47:07,280
"Ryan in Accounts is robo-phobic."

1070
00:47:07,360 --> 00:47:08,360
[audience laughing]

1071
00:47:08,440 --> 00:47:11,760
"Why? What'd he say?"
"Called me a whiny plastic cunt." [laughs]

1072
00:47:11,840 --> 00:47:13,000
[audience laughing]

1073
00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:15,920
I think we should be allowed
to insult robots when it's happening.

1074
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:19,680
We made them to make our life easier,
and that would get things off our chest.

1075
00:47:19,760 --> 00:47:22,760
It's bad enough with real people.
Getting in trouble saying the wrong thing.

1076
00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:24,760
People taking things the wrong way,
you know?

1077
00:47:24,840 --> 00:47:29,120
Like, "Oh my God. Oh.
I made Fat Linda cry today. Oh."

1078
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:30,040
[audience laughing]

1079
00:47:30,120 --> 00:47:32,440
"Oh, what happened?"
"I just shouted out to her,

1080
00:47:32,520 --> 00:47:35,560
then I remembered
we only call her that behind her back."

1081
00:47:35,640 --> 00:47:37,880
[audience laughing]

1082
00:47:37,960 --> 00:47:40,760
I'm sure people didn't get offended
all the time when I was little.

1083
00:47:40,840 --> 00:47:43,120
I might be remembering it wrong,
but not grownups.

1084
00:47:43,200 --> 00:47:44,840
Not your parents, not your grandparents.

1085
00:47:44,920 --> 00:47:48,760
They grew up dodging bombs,
and their firstborn having polio,

1086
00:47:48,840 --> 00:47:51,040
and the menfolk dying at 50
of lung disease.

1087
00:47:51,120 --> 00:47:53,280
They could take a fucking joke, right?

1088
00:47:53,360 --> 00:47:56,440
It was all about the wind-up.
I used to wind up my mum all the time.

1089
00:47:56,520 --> 00:47:57,640
This is a true story.

1090
00:47:57,720 --> 00:48:01,640
When I went off to university,
after about a week, I phoned home.

1091
00:48:01,720 --> 00:48:03,160
My mum answered. She went, "Hello?"

1092
00:48:03,240 --> 00:48:06,600
I went, "It's Ricky." She went,
"You all right?" I went, "Not really."

1093
00:48:06,680 --> 00:48:08,880
"I'm in the hospital. I think I'm blind."

1094
00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:11,720
She went, "What?"
I went, "No, I'm only joking." Right?

1095
00:48:11,800 --> 00:48:12,960
[audience laughing]

1096
00:48:13,040 --> 00:48:17,960
She went, "You silly bugger." She went,
"I could've had a heart attack." Right?

1097
00:48:18,040 --> 00:48:21,320
And she's right. She could've had
a heart attack, and I knew that.

1098
00:48:21,400 --> 00:48:24,520
That's how committed I am
to having a laugh.

1099
00:48:24,600 --> 00:48:26,920
[audience laughing]

1100
00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:29,080
You're welcome. You're welcome.

1101
00:48:29,160 --> 00:48:31,440
[audience cheering and clapping]

1102
00:48:31,520 --> 00:48:32,840
[Gervais laughs]

1103
00:48:33,880 --> 00:48:36,720
Space travel, the last-ditch attempt.

1104
00:48:36,800 --> 00:48:39,880
When we fuck this planet completely,
can we leave its dying husk

1105
00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:41,800
and move to a new one and start again?

1106
00:48:41,880 --> 00:48:43,800
I don't think so. Not in my lifetime.

1107
00:48:43,880 --> 00:48:46,040
Probably not in yours, you know?
It's like...

1108
00:48:46,120 --> 00:48:49,360
The closest one,
the only one viable is Mars,

1109
00:48:49,440 --> 00:48:52,280
and that's nine months away
on a rocket, right?

1110
00:48:52,360 --> 00:48:54,000
It's got no atmosphere,

1111
00:48:54,080 --> 00:48:57,120
an average temperature
of minus 70 degrees.

1112
00:48:57,200 --> 00:48:58,440
How's this for irony?

1113
00:48:58,520 --> 00:49:02,400
Scientists are working out whether they
can detonate nuclear warheads in the crust

1114
00:49:02,480 --> 00:49:05,400
to release the frozen water,
to cause an atmosphere

1115
00:49:05,480 --> 00:49:08,280
and get a little bit
of global warming going. I mean...

1116
00:49:08,360 --> 00:49:10,120
- [audience laughing]
- [tsks] I don't know.

1117
00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:13,920
It's only billionaires that have got
enough money to waste on exploring...

1118
00:49:14,000 --> 00:49:16,320
There's nothing out there, you know?
It's like...

1119
00:49:16,400 --> 00:49:18,520
Now you can do space tourism.
Have you heard of that?

1120
00:49:18,600 --> 00:49:23,200
You can pay $150,000.
They shoot you into space for an hour,

1121
00:49:23,280 --> 00:49:26,120
and you float around going,
"I'm in space! I'm in..."

1122
00:49:26,200 --> 00:49:27,440
We're already in space.

1123
00:49:27,520 --> 00:49:30,840
Earth is right in the fucking middle
of space, right?

1124
00:49:30,920 --> 00:49:35,320
It's the best bit of space there is.
It's got car parks and cinemas.

1125
00:49:35,400 --> 00:49:38,680
It's like... There's nothing else to see.
It's like living in London and going,

1126
00:49:38,760 --> 00:49:41,440
"I wonder what Coventry's like."
You don't. [laughs]

1127
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:43,960
[audience laughing]

1128
00:49:47,080 --> 00:49:48,320
But I'm optimistic.

1129
00:49:48,840 --> 00:49:49,920
I am. I think...

1130
00:49:51,640 --> 00:49:52,720
I think, uh...

1131
00:49:53,880 --> 00:49:56,880
I think people care
about the planet, deep down.

1132
00:49:56,960 --> 00:50:00,960
I think it's just that most people
on the planet don't realize

1133
00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:04,040
that most people on the planet
are destroying the planet.

1134
00:50:04,120 --> 00:50:06,960
Most people don't realize that,
in my lifetime,

1135
00:50:07,040 --> 00:50:10,600
we've wiped out 70%
of all animal populations.

1136
00:50:10,680 --> 00:50:13,760
And what's left, en masse,
on the Earth, of animals,

1137
00:50:13,840 --> 00:50:18,600
is 36% human, 60% farm animals
just to feed humans,

1138
00:50:18,680 --> 00:50:20,360
and 4% wild now.

1139
00:50:20,440 --> 00:50:23,200
People don't realize that
we have to tear down entire rainforests,

1140
00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:27,520
the lungs of the earth, just to grow grain
to feed these cows to feed us.

1141
00:50:27,600 --> 00:50:30,760
We steal grain from Third World countries,
'cause they want hard currency.

1142
00:50:30,840 --> 00:50:34,440
They can't even feed their own people.
We take their grain, feed our cow.

1143
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:37,200
Meat eaters. If you eat meat every day...

1144
00:50:37,280 --> 00:50:41,040
If you gave up one day a week,
we'd feed another hundred million people.

1145
00:50:41,120 --> 00:50:45,040
But I think people care, deep down.
They go, "It's out of sight, out of mind."

1146
00:50:45,120 --> 00:50:48,016
Think of the animal that most people know.
Their dog. They love their dog.

1147
00:50:48,040 --> 00:50:52,640
They wouldn't let anyone hurt their dog.
And a dog is a cow, is a sheep, is a deer.

1148
00:50:52,720 --> 00:50:54,360
People love their dogs so much,

1149
00:50:54,440 --> 00:50:57,440
they won't even watch a fictional thing
where a dog gets hurt.

1150
00:50:57,520 --> 00:50:58,880
And I get that.

1151
00:50:58,960 --> 00:51:00,680
There's a... There's a website.

1152
00:51:01,200 --> 00:51:02,520
It's a real website.

1153
00:51:02,600 --> 00:51:05,240
It's called doesthedogdie.com. Right?

1154
00:51:05,320 --> 00:51:06,880
[scattered laughter]

1155
00:51:06,960 --> 00:51:11,480
And it was set up
because people would watch a film

1156
00:51:11,560 --> 00:51:14,960
or a program with a dog in it,
and summat would happen to the dog,

1157
00:51:15,040 --> 00:51:15,960
and they'd turn it off.

1158
00:51:16,040 --> 00:51:18,320
It'd ruin it for them.
It'd ruin their day, right?

1159
00:51:18,400 --> 00:51:21,600
So this website was set up.
You could go to it,

1160
00:51:21,680 --> 00:51:25,640
you could put in any film or TV show,
and ask, "Does a dog die?"

1161
00:51:25,720 --> 00:51:27,800
And someone would answer you,
"No," or whatever.

1162
00:51:27,880 --> 00:51:31,200
And, um, it's become a thing
for anyone's phobias.

1163
00:51:31,280 --> 00:51:33,000
Anything you don't want to see in a film,

1164
00:51:33,080 --> 00:51:35,760
you just look up the film,
and they answer your question, right?

1165
00:51:35,840 --> 00:51:38,200
So, uh, I looked up one film on here.

1166
00:51:38,280 --> 00:51:40,120
Uh, <i>Schindler's List.</i>

1167
00:51:40,200 --> 00:51:42,520
[audience laughing]

1168
00:51:42,600 --> 00:51:44,440
[audience murmuring]

1169
00:51:45,240 --> 00:51:48,960
Absolutely real. <i>Schindler's List.</i>
Doesthedogdie.com. Right?

1170
00:51:49,040 --> 00:51:51,680
First question, "Does a dog die?" "No."

1171
00:51:51,760 --> 00:51:53,200
"Does a cat die?" "No."

1172
00:51:53,280 --> 00:51:54,920
"Are any animals abused?"

1173
00:51:55,000 --> 00:51:57,840
Someone answers, "There is a chicken
that's handled roughly,

1174
00:51:57,920 --> 00:51:59,360
but otherwise unharmed."

1175
00:51:59,440 --> 00:52:01,760
[audience laughing]

1176
00:52:01,840 --> 00:52:04,440
Now, I love animals
more than anyone I know.

1177
00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:05,600
But if I was Jewish,

1178
00:52:05,680 --> 00:52:08,160
I'd be slightly offended
by this avenue of questioning.

1179
00:52:08,240 --> 00:52:09,480
Imagine that in real life.

1180
00:52:09,560 --> 00:52:11,760
Imagine someone says, "Oh, yeah, my...

1181
00:52:11,840 --> 00:52:13,960
my grandparents
were murdered by the Nazis."

1182
00:52:14,040 --> 00:52:15,160
You go, "Oh, what happened?"

1183
00:52:15,240 --> 00:52:18,680
"Oh, they were dragged from their house
and sent to the gas chamber." "Oh..."

1184
00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:20,280
"Was a chicken hurt?" "What?"

1185
00:52:20,360 --> 00:52:22,160
[audience laughing]

1186
00:52:23,400 --> 00:52:26,600
But as I say, it's become...
You can ask any question about anything.

1187
00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:29,600
Someone says, "Is there child abuse?
Is teeth damaged?"

1188
00:52:29,680 --> 00:52:32,480
"Is there a hanging?
Does someone struggle to breathe?"

1189
00:52:32,560 --> 00:52:34,760
[laughs] Yeah. Well, yeah.

1190
00:52:34,840 --> 00:52:36,440
Yes. Um...

1191
00:52:37,200 --> 00:52:39,960
Someone says,
"Does someone fall down stairs?"

1192
00:52:40,040 --> 00:52:42,400
Who's scared of slapstick? It's like...

1193
00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:43,880
[audience laughing]

1194
00:52:44,640 --> 00:52:48,920
Anyway, so this website was founded
in 2010,

1195
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:50,840
so it's running for about 13 years. Right?

1196
00:52:50,920 --> 00:52:55,080
And the later questions
start reflecting the times we live in now,

1197
00:52:55,160 --> 00:52:58,160
and they get more and more fragile
and narcissistic.

1198
00:52:58,240 --> 00:53:02,280
These questions were asked this year.
Check it out. <i>Schindler's List.</i> Right?

1199
00:53:02,360 --> 00:53:05,120
Someone says, "Are there any fat jokes?"

1200
00:53:05,200 --> 00:53:06,040
[audience murmuring]

1201
00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:08,880
Would that make this worse? Wh...

1202
00:53:09,720 --> 00:53:10,640
Imagine the real thing.

1203
00:53:10,720 --> 00:53:13,200
Imagine I'm in
a concentration camp, right?

1204
00:53:13,280 --> 00:53:15,680
I'm naked. Everyone around me is naked.

1205
00:53:15,760 --> 00:53:18,520
We've got a commandant herding us
towards the gas chamber,

1206
00:53:18,600 --> 00:53:20,720
and he goes, "Move it, fatty." Right?

1207
00:53:20,800 --> 00:53:22,440
And I go, "Rude."

1208
00:53:22,520 --> 00:53:23,920
[audience laughing]

1209
00:53:28,040 --> 00:53:29,040
"Nope."

1210
00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:32,160
"That has ruined the whole experience
if I'm honest."

1211
00:53:32,240 --> 00:53:33,560
[audience laughing]

1212
00:53:37,200 --> 00:53:39,560
Someone asks, "Is there hate speech?"

1213
00:53:40,120 --> 00:53:42,760
- Yeah, there is.
- [audience laughing]

1214
00:53:42,840 --> 00:53:44,160
Suck it up, buttercup.

1215
00:53:44,680 --> 00:53:45,800
[audience laughing]

1216
00:53:45,880 --> 00:53:48,400
"Are there any man-in-a-dress jokes?"

1217
00:53:48,960 --> 00:53:51,240
- Very few jokes.
- [audience laughing]

1218
00:53:51,320 --> 00:53:54,920
If you've come to this film for a giggle,
you're gonna be very disappointed.

1219
00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:56,560
[audience laughing]

1220
00:53:56,640 --> 00:53:58,320
But this one takes the biscuit for me.

1221
00:53:58,400 --> 00:54:00,760
Remember, this is a movie
set in the 1940s,

1222
00:54:00,840 --> 00:54:03,520
about, arguably, the worst atrocity
in civilized human history.

1223
00:54:03,600 --> 00:54:04,640
Check this out.

1224
00:54:04,720 --> 00:54:06,640
"Is someone misgendered?"

1225
00:54:06,720 --> 00:54:08,560
- [audience laughing]
- Fucking hell.

1226
00:54:10,800 --> 00:54:12,000
[woman 7] Oh shit!

1227
00:54:12,080 --> 00:54:14,920
This is quite sweet.
"Is there any antisemitism?"

1228
00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:17,040
- [laughs] Yeah.
- [audience laughing]

1229
00:54:17,120 --> 00:54:19,400
This is pretty much the mother lode.

1230
00:54:19,480 --> 00:54:20,640
Right?

1231
00:54:20,720 --> 00:54:22,160
Forget Kanye.

1232
00:54:22,240 --> 00:54:24,000
- This...
- [audience laughing]

1233
00:54:24,080 --> 00:54:26,480
This is off the fucking charts.

1234
00:54:26,560 --> 00:54:28,400
Don't do that
when you're talking about this.

1235
00:54:28,480 --> 00:54:29,856
- Fuck's sake!
- [audience laughing]

1236
00:54:29,880 --> 00:54:32,760
I was doing the graph.
I was doing like that.

1237
00:54:32,840 --> 00:54:34,360
This is off the charts.

1238
00:54:34,960 --> 00:54:36,280
That's... [laughs]

1239
00:54:37,560 --> 00:54:40,120
Wouldn't things have been different
if that was Hitler's salute?

1240
00:54:40,200 --> 00:54:42,800
The whole thing would've been like,
"It's Hitler."

1241
00:54:43,520 --> 00:54:45,200
- Like that.
- [audience laughing]

1242
00:54:45,280 --> 00:54:46,280
Hiya.

1243
00:54:46,880 --> 00:54:48,480
[Gervais laughing]

1244
00:54:50,640 --> 00:54:53,600
This is interesting.
"Does it have a sad ending?"

1245
00:54:53,680 --> 00:54:56,880
Right? Someone says yes,
and then someone else says no.

1246
00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:59,000
And I thought about it.
But then I remembered...

1247
00:54:59,080 --> 00:55:01,176
If you've... If you've seen the film,
if you remember,

1248
00:55:01,200 --> 00:55:02,840
when the story sort of ends,

1249
00:55:03,320 --> 00:55:06,280
Spielberg then tacks on
a real bit of footage

1250
00:55:06,360 --> 00:55:11,640
where he gets real-life descendants
of people murdered in the Holocaust,

1251
00:55:11,720 --> 00:55:14,760
and he films them
coming into a Jewish cemetery,

1252
00:55:14,840 --> 00:55:17,400
and they each leave a stone on the grave

1253
00:55:17,480 --> 00:55:19,880
to represent their family members
that were murdered.

1254
00:55:19,960 --> 00:55:24,040
It builds up, and it's very moving.
So I think I get the ambiguity.

1255
00:55:24,120 --> 00:55:26,240
"Does it have a sad ending?" Yes,

1256
00:55:26,320 --> 00:55:29,800
in the sense that six million Jews
pointlessly lost their life,

1257
00:55:29,880 --> 00:55:32,480
but no, in the sense
there was still enough left over

1258
00:55:32,560 --> 00:55:33,920
to build a little rockery.

1259
00:55:34,520 --> 00:55:36,240
- So...
- [audience laughing]

1260
00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:47,040
I asked one question myself on this.

1261
00:55:47,640 --> 00:55:49,400
"Is James Corden in it?"

1262
00:55:49,480 --> 00:55:51,000
[audience laughing]

1263
00:55:51,080 --> 00:55:53,320
[audience cheering and clapping]

1264
00:55:58,040 --> 00:56:00,520
I did, um,
look at one other film, briefly.

1265
00:56:00,600 --> 00:56:04,480
Uh, <i>Titanic.</i> Right? And it's got
all the same sort of questions.

1266
00:56:04,560 --> 00:56:06,840
The one where it goes,
"Are any animals harmed?"

1267
00:56:06,920 --> 00:56:07,920
Someone answers,

1268
00:56:07,960 --> 00:56:10,480
"There are no explicit scenes
of animals being harmed,

1269
00:56:10,560 --> 00:56:13,920
but Rose did have a goldfish,
which probably didn't make it."

1270
00:56:14,000 --> 00:56:16,440
[audience laughing]

1271
00:56:16,520 --> 00:56:19,040
I think the goldfish
in the bowl on the sideboard

1272
00:56:19,120 --> 00:56:21,280
when the boat hits the iceberg,
and he's all like that.

1273
00:56:21,360 --> 00:56:24,056
And people are running around going,
"Ahh! We're going in the water!"

1274
00:56:24,080 --> 00:56:27,120
And he's all smug then.
And he's going, "Don't worry about it."

1275
00:56:27,200 --> 00:56:28,320
[audience laughing]

1276
00:56:28,400 --> 00:56:30,240
"Oh no, not water." [laughs]

1277
00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:31,640
[audience laughing]

1278
00:56:31,720 --> 00:56:35,320
Then he gets in the sea, and goes,
"It's very salty, innit? It's very salty."

1279
00:56:35,400 --> 00:56:36,920
[audience laughing]

1280
00:56:40,320 --> 00:56:41,320
[Gervais laughs]

1281
00:56:43,680 --> 00:56:45,720
I'll leave you with a true story.

1282
00:56:46,560 --> 00:56:48,720
It's still on the theme
of "does the dog die?"

1283
00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:51,280
When I was seven years old,

1284
00:56:51,360 --> 00:56:55,240
my mum took me to the cinema
to see a film called <i>Old Yeller.</i>

1285
00:56:55,960 --> 00:56:56,960
Beautiful film.

1286
00:56:57,040 --> 00:56:58,800
Yeah, made in the late '50s.

1287
00:56:58,880 --> 00:57:02,720
And sort of set
in the Wild West on this homestead.

1288
00:57:02,800 --> 00:57:07,160
And it's about a... a kid
who adopts this little junkyard dog.

1289
00:57:07,240 --> 00:57:09,560
And he calls him Old Yeller,
and they grow up together.

1290
00:57:09,640 --> 00:57:13,040
And it's a buddy movie. It's a love story
between this kid and his dog.

1291
00:57:13,120 --> 00:57:15,000
Eventually, when the dog's big,

1292
00:57:15,080 --> 00:57:17,560
and, you know,
he protects this kid in the wild,

1293
00:57:17,640 --> 00:57:20,080
he fights a cougar,
and a bear, and a wolf, or whatever.

1294
00:57:20,600 --> 00:57:24,240
But towards the end of the film,
the kid's about 13, maybe,

1295
00:57:24,320 --> 00:57:25,600
it takes a dark turn.

1296
00:57:25,680 --> 00:57:29,480
I remember the kid sorta looking
at Old Yeller who's locked in the barn.

1297
00:57:29,560 --> 00:57:32,600
And the mother's suspicious, right?
She goes, "Is Old Yeller all right?"

1298
00:57:32,680 --> 00:57:35,880
"Yeah, he's fine. He's fine." But the kid
knows that he's been bitten, right?

1299
00:57:35,960 --> 00:57:38,400
And soon, Old Yeller
starts foaming at the mouth and...

1300
00:57:38,480 --> 00:57:40,200
[growls]...getting aggressive.

1301
00:57:40,280 --> 00:57:44,720
And the mother turns up with a gun,
and the kid goes, "No."

1302
00:57:44,800 --> 00:57:46,640
And she goes,
"You know we've gotta do it."

1303
00:57:46,720 --> 00:57:49,760
He goes, "Yeah, but he's my dog.
I'll do it."

1304
00:57:49,840 --> 00:57:51,640
And he shoots his own dog.

1305
00:57:51,720 --> 00:57:55,640
And I was, like, in floods
for like a year. Right?

1306
00:57:56,240 --> 00:57:57,800
Anyway, fast-forward.

1307
00:57:57,880 --> 00:58:00,160
A few years ago, I was on tour.

1308
00:58:00,240 --> 00:58:03,200
I was on a train,
and I get a text from Jane.

1309
00:58:03,720 --> 00:58:06,200
She says,
"Oh, I'm finally watching <i>Old Yeller."</i>

1310
00:58:06,280 --> 00:58:08,480
And I sent back, "Oh, enjoy." Right?

1311
00:58:08,560 --> 00:58:09,960
[audience laughing]

1312
00:58:10,040 --> 00:58:13,760
I didn't think, right?
Twenty minutes later, I get a text.

1313
00:58:13,840 --> 00:58:15,960
"Nothing happens to that dog, does it?"

1314
00:58:16,520 --> 00:58:18,640
Oh, I couldn't believe my fucking luck.

1315
00:58:18,720 --> 00:58:20,280
- I...
- [audience laughing]

1316
00:58:20,360 --> 00:58:22,560
Oh, I thought she knew.

1317
00:58:22,640 --> 00:58:25,280
So I sent back, "No, of course not."

1318
00:58:25,360 --> 00:58:27,280
[audience laughing]

1319
00:58:27,360 --> 00:58:29,360
One hour later, I get a text,

1320
00:58:29,440 --> 00:58:31,320
"You cunt!" [laughs]

1321
00:58:31,400 --> 00:58:33,400
[audience laughing]

1322
00:58:33,480 --> 00:58:35,240
[audience clapping]

1323
00:58:36,480 --> 00:58:37,480
Thank you.

1324
00:58:38,440 --> 00:58:39,720
Thank you. Thank you.

1325
00:58:40,520 --> 00:58:42,240
Thank you very much. Cheers.

1326
00:58:42,320 --> 00:58:44,240
Thanks to everyone who bought a ticket.

1327
00:58:44,320 --> 00:58:47,400
If you bought a platinum ticket,
the money goes to an animal charity,

1328
00:58:47,480 --> 00:58:51,400
and you've raised two million dollars
so far. So thank you so much.

1329
00:58:51,920 --> 00:58:53,680
[audience cheering and clapping]

1330
00:58:55,160 --> 00:58:57,800
I even get a bit of stick about that
on social media.

1331
00:58:57,880 --> 00:59:01,120
There's always someone who goes, "Oh,
why do you only speak up for animals?"

1332
00:59:01,200 --> 00:59:04,680
And I go, "Well, 'cause they haven't got
a voice of their own, except parrots."

1333
00:59:04,760 --> 00:59:08,000
Um, and that's...
I think that's why we don't eat parrots.

1334
00:59:08,080 --> 00:59:11,520
Everyone around the world eats
every other type of bird, don't they?

1335
00:59:11,600 --> 00:59:15,560
Everyone in the world eats
fucking chickens, and ducks, and geese,

1336
00:59:15,640 --> 00:59:17,600
and turkeys, and ostriches.

1337
00:59:17,680 --> 00:59:19,240
No one eats parrots. Do you know why?

1338
00:59:19,320 --> 00:59:22,040
If you go and try and eat a parrot,
it goes, "Fuck off, you cunt."

1339
00:59:22,120 --> 00:59:23,680
[audience laughing]

1340
00:59:23,760 --> 00:59:26,880
So speaking up really does work. Right?

1341
00:59:26,960 --> 00:59:27,800
[audience cheers]

1342
00:59:27,880 --> 00:59:30,080
And that has sort of been
one of the themes of the show.

1343
00:59:30,120 --> 00:59:31,440
'Cause I know, in the real world,

1344
00:59:31,520 --> 00:59:34,520
in normal jobs and everyday life,
you get in trouble.

1345
00:59:34,600 --> 00:59:36,640
People tell you off
for saying certain things,

1346
00:59:36,720 --> 00:59:39,720
or thinking certain things,
or even laughing at certain things, right?

1347
00:59:39,800 --> 00:59:41,720
They say you're bad for laughing at that.

1348
00:59:41,800 --> 00:59:45,120
And some of you take it to heart.
You go, "Oh my God. Am I a bad person?"

1349
00:59:45,200 --> 00:59:49,080
No, you're not. One, you can't choose
your sense of humor. You can't.

1350
00:59:49,160 --> 00:59:50,160
It's involuntary.

1351
00:59:50,240 --> 00:59:55,160
And two, that's exactly what humor is for.
To laugh at bad shit to get us through it.

1352
00:59:55,240 --> 00:59:56,480
Right? And...

1353
00:59:56,560 --> 00:59:58,560
- Uh...
- [audience cheering and clapping]

1354
01:00:03,920 --> 01:00:06,520
And we've established
you can't even choose your own thoughts.

1355
01:00:06,600 --> 01:00:09,400
How often have you been on a train station
and you've suddenly thought,

1356
01:00:09,480 --> 01:00:11,320
"What if I just pushed that bloke?" And...

1357
01:00:11,400 --> 01:00:13,880
[audience laughing]

1358
01:00:13,960 --> 01:00:16,720
And then you go,
"Why have I thought that?! Am I..."

1359
01:00:17,240 --> 01:00:19,600
"Am I a psychopath?"
No. You're not. You're the opposite.

1360
01:00:19,680 --> 01:00:20,960
You're a safe pair of hands.

1361
01:00:21,040 --> 01:00:22,080
You're testing yourself,

1362
01:00:22,160 --> 01:00:24,080
you're reminding yourself
how terrible that'd be.

1363
01:00:24,120 --> 01:00:25,440
You're a good person, right?

1364
01:00:25,520 --> 01:00:27,400
I don't get that one. Um...

1365
01:00:28,680 --> 01:00:32,040
What I get is,
I'm talking to a really sweet old lady,

1366
01:00:32,120 --> 01:00:35,400
and I suddenly start thinking,
"What if I just spat in her face now?"

1367
01:00:35,480 --> 01:00:37,760
- Why would I...
- [audience laughing]

1368
01:00:37,840 --> 01:00:39,800
[Gervais laughing]

1369
01:00:42,320 --> 01:00:47,280
Another theme of the show has been,
"words change, and I'm woke, ha-ha."

1370
01:00:47,360 --> 01:00:48,880
But here's the irony.

1371
01:00:48,960 --> 01:00:52,560
I think I am woke,
but I think that word has changed.

1372
01:00:52,640 --> 01:00:55,640
I think if woke still means
what it used to mean,

1373
01:00:55,720 --> 01:00:58,080
that you're aware of your own privilege,

1374
01:00:58,160 --> 01:01:01,320
you try and maximize equality,
minimize oppression,

1375
01:01:01,400 --> 01:01:05,680
be anti-racist, anti-sexist,
anti-homophobic... Yes, I'm definitely woke.

1376
01:01:05,760 --> 01:01:11,040
If woke now means being
a puritanical, authoritarian bully,

1377
01:01:11,120 --> 01:01:13,920
who gets people fired
for an honest opinion or even a fact,

1378
01:01:14,000 --> 01:01:15,360
then, no, I'm not woke.

1379
01:01:15,440 --> 01:01:16,440
Fuck that.

1380
01:01:16,840 --> 01:01:18,640
[audience cheering]

1381
01:01:23,840 --> 01:01:25,080
[man 5 yelling]

1382
01:01:25,160 --> 01:01:27,040
But here's the deal.

1383
01:01:27,120 --> 01:01:29,720
To each their own.
Laugh at whatever you find funny.

1384
01:01:29,800 --> 01:01:33,120
All laughter's good,
and you're amazing. Good night.

1385
01:01:33,200 --> 01:01:35,040
[audience cheering and clapping]

1386
01:01:44,440 --> 01:01:46,440
[cheering continues]

1387
01:02:20,360 --> 01:02:23,280
[audience chattering]