1
00:00:06,011 --> 00:00:07,887
[lively music playing]

2
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[announcer] <i>Detroit, give it up...</i>

3
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<i>for Trevor Noah!</i>

4
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{\an8}[audience cheering]

5
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What's going on, Detroit?

6
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Oh! How you doing tonight, everybody?
How you doing?

7
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Welcome to the show.

8
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Thank you so much for coming out.

9
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Look at this.
What a night. What a feeling.

10
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Here we are. Detroit, Michigan.

11
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We made it.

12
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[audience cheering and applauding]

13
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I've really been enjoying it.
I'm enjoying everywhere, honestly.

14
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I'm having more fun in my life now
than I think I've ever had.

15
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I'm enjoying America more now
than I've ever, ever enjoyed it.

16
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Every day.

17
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I don't even know what it is.

18
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I think it's...

19
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You enjoy a place differently
when it might be ending, you know?

20
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It just has a...

21
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It has a different feeling to it, like...

22
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"Mmm, what is that taste?"

23
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"The final season? Mmm-mmm-mmm"

24
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'Cause you never know with America.
You really never know.

25
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Every day is the best day,
and possibly the last day.

26
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I'm having an amazing time, I truly am.

27
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This year was such a blessing, because...

28
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I got to travel around the world,

29
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doing shows in places
I had never performed before.

30
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Places I've always wanted to do comedy,
I've always wanted to try it out.

31
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I did shows in Berlin, Germany,
for the first time ever.

32
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That was really amazing.

33
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I won't lie, people freaked me out
before I went there.

34
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Similar to Detroit, where people are like,
"Oh, watch out, Detroit."

35
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People were like that
with Germany as well.

36
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Like, when I was going to Berlin,
people were like, "Dude, Germany?"

37
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"Do they even laugh?"

38
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I'm like, "What do you mean?
They're human beings."

39
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"I don't know, man. Do they laugh?"

40
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People got to me.

41
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At a point
when I was heading to Germany,

42
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I was like, maybe Germans just sit
in the audience, like,

43
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[in German accent]
"Uh-huh. <i>Ja, ja,</i> uh-huh."

44
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"That was a comedy show."

45
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[normally] But they don't. They laugh.

46
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They're actually great audiences.

47
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I had an amazing time in Berlin.

48
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It's a city that sneaks up on you,
because it's...

49
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It's so culturally diverse. You know?

50
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It has a burgeoning art scene.

51
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Fantastic music.

52
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The history...

53
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The history in Berlin
is truly deep and rich.

54
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I love traveling and seeing places
whenever I'm in certain cities

55
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and in Berlin,
I went out with a tour group

56
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and I had a great time.

57
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But I wish someone had warned me
how painful a lot of Berlin's history is.

58
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'Cause that was basically
the headquarters of the Nazi Party.

59
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So everything ties back to Hitler.
I didn't know this.

60
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I thought we're going
on a cute little tour.

61
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I ask a lot of questions.
I'm curious.

62
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This brought the mood down.

63
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We're out and about.

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The tour guide was doing his schtick.

65
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He was happy as well.

66
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[in German accent]
"Here, behind me, you can see,

67
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this is one of the largest airports
that was ever built in the world."

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<i>"Ja,</i> it is a world famous airport
here in Berlin,

69
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and it is so large
that we were able..."

70
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"They filmed the Hollywood movie
<i>The Hunger Games</i> inside this airport."

71
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<i>"Ja,</i> any questions?"

72
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[normally] I said,
"Yeah. Wow. How old is this thing?"

73
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[in German accent]
"This is almost 100 years old."

74
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[normally] And I'm like,

75
00:04:15,009 --> 00:04:16,094
"Damn! Who built it?"

76
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[in German accent] "Yeah. That is
the unfortunate part of the...

77
00:04:26,104 --> 00:04:27,605
of the story here."

78
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"This airport was built by, uh, Hitler."

79
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[in normal voice]
I could see I'd messed things up.

80
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I tried to bring the mood up.

81
00:04:36,864 --> 00:04:38,366
I was like, "Which Hitler?"

82
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He says,
[in German accent] "Which Hitler?"

83
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"Which other Hitler is there?"

84
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I was like, "Could be Henry Hitler."
"Henry Hitler?"

85
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"Who the hell is Henry Hitler?"

86
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I was like, "You don't know Henry Hitler?"

87
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It didn't work.

88
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Like, "Yo, man."

89
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It was tense, but it was good.

90
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And what I mean by good...

91
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It was nice to be in a place

92
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where people don't bury their history.

93
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What I mean by that...

94
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[audience applauding]

95
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What I mean by that is that
when you travel through Germany,

96
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even if you don't go to museums,
you cannot escape the past

97
00:05:23,911 --> 00:05:26,831
of both Berlin and what Germany did.

98
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There are monuments
scattered throughout the city.

99
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Prominent monuments.

100
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They are memorializing what Germany did
to millions of Jewish people

101
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and other people around the world.

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You see it, you understand it,
they talk about it.

103
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They teach their kids about it.
They teach children in school.

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They're like,
"Hey, this is what Germany did."

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They make sure they know.

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But they don't make them
feel guilty about it.

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Which is an amazing balance
for them to strike.

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They'll say to the kids, they're like,
"Hey, kids. I hope you understand."

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"Germany did this."

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"You're not responsible
because you weren't there."

111
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"However, because you're
the future of Germany,

112
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it's your responsibility
to make sure this doesn't happen again."

113
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[audience cheering and applauding]

114
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You know, what I loved
about being in Germany

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when they were talking about their history
is how forthright they are about it.

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They know it's painful.

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They know that it's a terrible blight

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on who they are,
but they don't hide from it.

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When I saw them doing this, I went,

120
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"Man, I wish
America did this with history." You know?

121
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'Cause you...

122
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You ever see how awkward it is,

123
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speaking about history in America?

124
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It gets tense.

125
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Doesn't matter what history it is.
It gets tense.

126
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Columbus Day is one of those days.

127
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Every year in New York, there's a fight.
Here in Detroit, there was a fight.

128
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There was a bust of Christopher Columbus,
was around for 110 years.

129
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At a point, half of Detroit was like,
"We need to get rid of it."

130
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The other half said, "Don't get rid
of it." It was a huge fight.

131
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New York, same thing, every year.
Columbus Day, Indigenous Peoples' Day.

132
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Columbus Day, Indigenous Peoples' Day.

133
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There was an interview
on the news I saw once. [chuckles]

134
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It wasn't supposed to be funny,
but I found it funny.

135
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The reporter went to a guy and asked,

136
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"What will you be doing
for Indigenous Peoples' Day?"

137
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He was like, [Italian-American accent]
"It's Columbus Day,

138
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I'm sick and tired of people coming in
and changing the name."

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"We're proud of that day."

140
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"It's Christopher Columbus.
Columbus Day. It's not gonna change."

141
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"In fact, how would you feel
if somebody came along,

142
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took something
that's been around for a long time,

143
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and just decided to switch it
and call it something else?"

144
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"Huh? How would you feel?"

145
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[in normal voice] I was like, "But, sir,

146
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isn't that the spirit of Columbus Day?"

147
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I'll be honest. I'm not a big fan
of Indigenous Peoples' Day.

148
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The title, I don't like...
I think it's a cop-out.

149
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I don't think it's specific enough.
It's lazy.

150
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"Indigenous Peoples' Day."
Which Indigenous people? Where? How?

151
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Give me something.

152
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You know what I liked about Columbus Day?

153
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It's that it was specific.

154
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Yeah. It was a specific, inspiring story

155
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of a man by the name Christopher Columbus

156
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who believed, against all odds,

157
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that he could sail
the wrong way around the world

158
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and get to India from the other side.

159
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Nobody believed in him.

160
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Yeah.

161
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He said, "I'm gonna do this."
They said, "You can't do it, Chris."

162
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He was like, "I will."
They're like, "You can't do it!"

163
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He said, "I will!" They said, "You can't!"

164
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And he raised money, he fought for years,
he finally got the ships.

165
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And he sailed the wrong way
around the world and he didn't do it.

166
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Not only did he not land
on the other side of India,

167
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he found himself in a place
called the Caribbean.

168
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And he was like, "This is India."

169
00:09:13,015 --> 00:09:15,518
And the people went,
[in Caribbean accent] "I don't know

170
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if you've been eating
some of the herb we've been leaving about,

171
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but this is totally not India."

172
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He was like, "This is India
and you guys are Indians."

173
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They're like,
"Brother, we are not Indians."

174
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He's like, "I know Indians
when I don't see them."

175
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"You're Indians, just on the far side."

176
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"So you're West Indians."

177
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And he stuck with it.

178
00:09:36,998 --> 00:09:40,459
Christopher Columbus
stuck with it his entire life.

179
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Other explorers would come to him
like, "Yo, Chris."

180
00:09:43,212 --> 00:09:46,215
"I don't think you made it to India."

181
00:09:46,299 --> 00:09:47,883
He's like, "It's India."

182
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They're like, "I don't think it's India."
He's like, "It's India."

183
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He died refusing
to acknowledge the possibility

184
00:09:54,056 --> 00:09:56,559
that he never made it to India.

185
00:09:56,642 --> 00:10:01,314
Not only that, my friends,
he never set foot in America,

186
00:10:02,023 --> 00:10:03,024
ever.

187
00:10:03,816 --> 00:10:04,817
Ever.

188
00:10:04,900 --> 00:10:08,613
And yet, he had a public holiday

189
00:10:09,947 --> 00:10:11,782
named after him

190
00:10:13,034 --> 00:10:14,035
in America.

191
00:10:15,870 --> 00:10:18,831
That, my friends, is the inspiring story

192
00:10:21,042 --> 00:10:23,127
of how white men can fail up.

193
00:10:34,096 --> 00:10:37,350
Do you know how much confidence
you have to have to pull that off?

194
00:10:37,892 --> 00:10:40,019
Nobody else. That is white man confidence.

195
00:10:40,102 --> 00:10:42,438
Nobody else possesses
that level of confidence.

196
00:10:43,147 --> 00:10:45,316
Go the wrong way.
End up in the wrong place.

197
00:10:45,399 --> 00:10:48,069
Call the wrong people the wrong name
and be like, "I'm right."

198
00:10:48,152 --> 00:10:49,528
"Give me a holiday."

199
00:10:51,447 --> 00:10:52,698
No one else can do that.

200
00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:56,160
That is the level of confidence
we should all aspire to,

201
00:10:56,243 --> 00:10:59,413
is white man levels of confidence.
Women couldn't pull that off.

202
00:10:59,497 --> 00:11:02,208
If a woman said, "I'll sail
the wrong way around the Earth."

203
00:11:02,291 --> 00:11:04,669
They'll be like,
"Burn her. She's a witch!"

204
00:11:07,713 --> 00:11:10,049
You think people of color could
pull that off?

205
00:11:10,132 --> 00:11:12,259
You think Black people could?
Wow, really?

206
00:11:12,343 --> 00:11:15,346
Like he was gonna sail around the world
the wrong way around.

207
00:11:15,429 --> 00:11:17,598
Get to the place
they're not supposed to be.

208
00:11:17,682 --> 00:11:19,642
Probably get arrested for trespassing.

209
00:11:20,893 --> 00:11:22,770
Like, "What are you doing here?"

210
00:11:22,853 --> 00:11:26,899
[in African-American accent] "My bad,
I thought I was getting to India."

211
00:11:26,982 --> 00:11:29,110
"Man, I don't know what I was thinking."

212
00:11:29,193 --> 00:11:32,363
"We should've never messed with ships.
It never turns out good."

213
00:11:32,446 --> 00:11:35,366
"I apologize. I apologize, man."

214
00:11:35,449 --> 00:11:36,826
"This won't happen again."

215
00:11:42,998 --> 00:11:44,959
Why would you wanna bury your history?

216
00:11:46,001 --> 00:11:48,462
There's so much joy and so much to learn.

217
00:11:49,046 --> 00:11:49,964
You know?

218
00:11:50,047 --> 00:11:52,800
It feels like America
is moving in that direction.

219
00:11:52,883 --> 00:11:55,886
It wants less and less of its history,
less and less context.

220
00:11:55,970 --> 00:11:58,264
You look what's happening
with textbooks.

221
00:11:58,347 --> 00:12:01,308
Places like Florida,
they wanna ban textbooks

222
00:12:01,392 --> 00:12:05,271
or cut out the parts of the textbooks
that have slavery in the books.

223
00:12:05,354 --> 00:12:07,773
And now parents are fighting.
They're like,

224
00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:11,986
"No, no, take the slavery out.
It's making the kids feel bad."

225
00:12:12,069 --> 00:12:14,113
Other parents are like,
"Keep the slavery in."

226
00:12:14,196 --> 00:12:15,406
"It teaches children."

227
00:12:15,489 --> 00:12:18,659
And they're fighting
back and forth. I'm like, "Why?"

228
00:12:18,743 --> 00:12:20,745
You don't need to be fighting about...

229
00:12:20,828 --> 00:12:22,705
No one should be fighting about this.

230
00:12:23,664 --> 00:12:25,291
Kids don't read textbooks.

231
00:12:33,090 --> 00:12:34,467
They watch TikTok.

232
00:12:35,426 --> 00:12:37,803
If you wanna get to the kids,
that's where you gotta be.

233
00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:39,180
<i>♪ There was slavery ♪</i>

234
00:12:39,263 --> 00:12:40,347
<i>♪ Ships came ♪</i>

235
00:12:40,431 --> 00:12:41,390
<i>♪ Yeah... ♪</i>

236
00:12:50,357 --> 00:12:54,361
I'll be honest. I don't think
that textbook thing is like a real issue.

237
00:12:54,445 --> 00:12:57,031
I feel like it's one of those
manufactured issues

238
00:12:57,114 --> 00:13:00,284
that often happens in America
that gets people riled up

239
00:13:00,868 --> 00:13:02,995
and gets them fired up,

240
00:13:03,078 --> 00:13:06,207
fighting about something
that was never an issue to begin with.

241
00:13:06,791 --> 00:13:09,251
I say this
because that's honestly what I believe.

242
00:13:09,335 --> 00:13:12,755
I feel like in America,
politicians have done a really good job

243
00:13:12,838 --> 00:13:16,300
of tricking Americans
into fighting about issues

244
00:13:16,383 --> 00:13:18,594
that were never an issue to begin with,

245
00:13:18,677 --> 00:13:21,889
so that you don't pay attention
to the issues that actually are.

246
00:13:23,390 --> 00:13:24,391
You know?

247
00:13:28,270 --> 00:13:30,648
If you're fighting
about what's in a textbook,

248
00:13:30,731 --> 00:13:34,151
you don't pay attention to the fact
that inflation is out of control.

249
00:13:34,235 --> 00:13:37,238
You don't pay attention
that rents are out of control.

250
00:13:37,321 --> 00:13:38,948
People cannot afford to live anywhere.

251
00:13:39,031 --> 00:13:41,158
Salaries have never
kept up with inflation.

252
00:13:41,242 --> 00:13:43,786
Corporations steal billions
and billions of dollars

253
00:13:43,869 --> 00:13:46,121
from their employees
with no ramifications.

254
00:13:46,205 --> 00:13:48,165
You don't pay attention to any of that.

255
00:13:48,707 --> 00:13:51,919
You pay attention to what's catchy,
what's easy to keep up with.

256
00:13:52,002 --> 00:13:53,796
It keeps you going, you know?

257
00:13:53,879 --> 00:13:57,049
"Ooh,
can trans people use public bathrooms?"

258
00:13:57,132 --> 00:13:58,384
"Ooh!"

259
00:13:59,927 --> 00:14:01,428
It's manufactured.

260
00:14:01,512 --> 00:14:04,056
Who was dealing with this issue? Honestly.

261
00:14:04,139 --> 00:14:06,350
Who was actually dealing with this issue?

262
00:14:06,433 --> 00:14:09,228
You know what they did?
Some politician figured out, they go,

263
00:14:09,311 --> 00:14:12,189
"Here's a small story affecting
a few people in a random place."

264
00:14:12,273 --> 00:14:14,650
"I'll make it seem
like a nationwide issue,

265
00:14:14,733 --> 00:14:17,403
then everyone starts fighting."
But who was dealing with it?

266
00:14:17,486 --> 00:14:20,948
Who has ever been in a situation
where you were in a bathroom,

267
00:14:21,031 --> 00:14:23,826
and all of a sudden a skirmish broke out
and people go,

268
00:14:23,909 --> 00:14:26,662
"Excuse me, is this the gender
that you were born with?"

269
00:14:26,745 --> 00:14:29,415
"Does it coincide
with the sign on the door?"

270
00:14:29,498 --> 00:14:31,750
"Is your genitalia matching this?"

271
00:14:31,834 --> 00:14:32,960
"Can I see it?"

272
00:14:33,043 --> 00:14:34,461
Who's ever seen that?

273
00:14:35,170 --> 00:14:36,088
Nobody.

274
00:14:37,590 --> 00:14:38,966
Nobody.

275
00:14:41,427 --> 00:14:44,221
But they make us fight about it
because it's catchy.

276
00:14:44,805 --> 00:14:46,891
"Who can use which bathroom."
Who cares?

277
00:14:47,558 --> 00:14:49,810
Who cares? I mean it, who cares?

278
00:14:49,894 --> 00:14:51,770
I know some would be like,
"Trans people care."

279
00:14:51,854 --> 00:14:53,981
They wanna know
if they can use a public bathroom.

280
00:14:54,064 --> 00:14:57,109
Yeah, use whichever bathroom you want.
Who's gonna stop you?

281
00:14:58,027 --> 00:15:01,113
No, seriously, it's a public toilet.

282
00:15:01,196 --> 00:15:02,948
Who is going to stop you?

283
00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:05,784
You tell me
who's gonna enforce that law?

284
00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:08,203
We can't even enforce the idea

285
00:15:08,287 --> 00:15:10,331
that people should shit into the toilet.

286
00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:17,755
But you think magically they're gonna
figure out if you were born this way.

287
00:15:19,173 --> 00:15:22,718
Use whichever one you want.
Why are we wasting our time?

288
00:15:23,969 --> 00:15:25,095
Other people are like,

289
00:15:25,179 --> 00:15:27,514
"We'll fight
because you gotta know who's..."

290
00:15:27,598 --> 00:15:30,517
Let me tell you something.
If you are spending enough time

291
00:15:30,601 --> 00:15:33,729
to know the genitalia of the other people
in a public bathroom,

292
00:15:33,812 --> 00:15:35,022
you're the creep.

293
00:15:37,733 --> 00:15:38,901
I'm worried about you.

294
00:15:42,446 --> 00:15:45,574
There is a simple rule
to every public toilet around the world.

295
00:15:45,658 --> 00:15:48,786
And that rule is, you get in,
pay no attention to anyone else,

296
00:15:48,869 --> 00:15:50,537
hold your breath and you get out.

297
00:15:52,289 --> 00:15:54,625
Quit standing around
staring at other people.

298
00:15:54,708 --> 00:15:56,919
Every man in this room knows
when we use the toilet,

299
00:15:57,002 --> 00:16:00,130
we get in, public toilet,
you stare dead ahead, you pee,

300
00:16:00,214 --> 00:16:02,341
do your thing.
Do not look to either side.

301
00:16:02,424 --> 00:16:04,343
If you're fidgety, look up, look down.

302
00:16:04,426 --> 00:16:06,011
You do not look at anyone else.

303
00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:08,889
The guy next to you can start choking.
You don't turn your head.

304
00:16:08,973 --> 00:16:11,100
You don't shake, you don't move.

305
00:16:11,183 --> 00:16:12,393
You hear him, like...

306
00:16:12,476 --> 00:16:14,186
[mimics choking]

307
00:16:14,269 --> 00:16:16,522
You be like, "Hey, man, hey. Hey."

308
00:16:16,605 --> 00:16:18,983
"Hey, you all right? Yo, yo."

309
00:16:19,066 --> 00:16:20,484
"Hey, man, you okay?"

310
00:16:20,567 --> 00:16:23,153
"Yo, yo. You want me to call...
Hey, man, are you okay?"

311
00:16:23,237 --> 00:16:26,073
[mimics choking]
"You wanna call..." "Don't look at me!"

312
00:16:30,577 --> 00:16:31,537
What are we doing?

313
00:16:32,997 --> 00:16:34,373
What are we fighting about?

314
00:16:35,499 --> 00:16:36,917
Public bathrooms.

315
00:16:37,001 --> 00:16:40,963
If you know your history, you know
this happens all the time in America.

316
00:16:41,046 --> 00:16:44,258
It happens over and over and over again.

317
00:16:44,341 --> 00:16:48,220
There was a time when women had to fight
to use public bathrooms in America.

318
00:16:48,303 --> 00:16:49,304
Imagine that.

319
00:16:49,388 --> 00:16:52,599
There was literally a time when women
weren't allowed to use public bathrooms

320
00:16:52,683 --> 00:16:54,768
all across America and they had to fight.

321
00:16:54,852 --> 00:16:57,688
And there were men who were angry.
They were like, "This is crazy."

322
00:16:57,771 --> 00:17:02,109
"You're gonna have women
in public bathrooms? That's insane!"

323
00:17:02,192 --> 00:17:04,653
"How does it work, huh?"

324
00:17:04,737 --> 00:17:08,073
"What, they're gonna come in there
while we're peeing?"

325
00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:10,659
"And then what?
They're gonna look at our wieners?"

326
00:17:11,243 --> 00:17:13,162
"And they're gonna laugh, huh?"

327
00:17:16,498 --> 00:17:17,875
Think about this, ladies.

328
00:17:17,958 --> 00:17:23,797
There was a time when women were first
allowed to step into the workplace,

329
00:17:23,881 --> 00:17:26,508
where there were no public bathrooms
they could use.

330
00:17:26,592 --> 00:17:29,928
So, ladies, if you were out and about
back then, you needed to pee,

331
00:17:30,012 --> 00:17:31,597
you needed to poo,
you had to go home.

332
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,515
Yeah. And I say poo theoretically,

333
00:17:33,599 --> 00:17:35,392
I don't know if you actually do.

334
00:17:36,143 --> 00:17:39,396
No, I don't think any guy does.
Let's be honest. We don't.

335
00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:44,193
We assume this on a biological level,
but I don't know for certain

336
00:17:44,276 --> 00:17:46,153
that any woman actually...

337
00:17:46,236 --> 00:17:49,114
In fact, any man in here,
think of any woman in your life.

338
00:17:49,198 --> 00:17:52,159
Do you know the last time she pooed?
I don't think you know.

339
00:17:52,242 --> 00:17:53,702
I don't think you know.

340
00:17:53,786 --> 00:17:56,497
There is no forensic evidence
to back up that claim.

341
00:17:57,039 --> 00:17:58,165
There is no smell.

342
00:17:58,999 --> 00:18:01,043
There is no stain.
There is no nothing.

343
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,296
Ladies, I don't know
who does your bathroom PR,

344
00:18:04,379 --> 00:18:06,048
but they are doing a stellar job.

345
00:18:06,131 --> 00:18:07,800
Stellar job.

346
00:18:08,425 --> 00:18:11,637
Women go to the bathroom,
smells better when they come out of it.

347
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:12,638
How?

348
00:18:13,180 --> 00:18:16,600
You never know
when a lady is pooing. Never.

349
00:18:17,142 --> 00:18:19,603
Because also,
women keep the same amount of time.

350
00:18:19,686 --> 00:18:22,231
That's the most impressive thing.
You give nothing away.

351
00:18:22,314 --> 00:18:24,900
Yeah, a woman's gonna go pee,
it takes ten minutes.

352
00:18:24,983 --> 00:18:26,819
She goes to the bathroom. All right.

353
00:18:26,902 --> 00:18:30,489
Gets there, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle,
comes out, washes her hand,

354
00:18:30,572 --> 00:18:33,450
powders her face, texts on the phone,
comes back to the table.

355
00:18:33,534 --> 00:18:34,952
You have no clue. Yeah.

356
00:18:35,035 --> 00:18:37,246
She's gonna go poo,
same thing, ten minutes.

357
00:18:37,329 --> 00:18:38,455
Goes to the bathroom,

358
00:18:38,539 --> 00:18:40,874
pellets, pellets, pellets,
comes back out.

359
00:18:40,958 --> 00:18:44,628
Wash her hands, powder the nose,
text her friends. Get back out there.

360
00:18:45,587 --> 00:18:46,588
You have no clue.

361
00:18:47,506 --> 00:18:49,758
With men,
you know exactly what we're doing.

362
00:18:51,718 --> 00:18:53,303
Discretion is not our forte.

363
00:18:54,972 --> 00:18:57,558
You know when every single man
is gonna go pee. Why?

364
00:18:57,641 --> 00:18:58,934
Two minutes.

365
00:18:59,518 --> 00:19:02,396
Off to the bathroom, we're in there.
Quickest thing ever.

366
00:19:02,479 --> 00:19:03,897
It's like a NASCAR pit stop.

367
00:19:04,731 --> 00:19:07,067
Yeah, we get in, we pee, we come back out,

368
00:19:07,151 --> 00:19:09,653
act like we're washing our hands
and we're back.

369
00:19:13,574 --> 00:19:15,617
How do you know
when we take a dump?

370
00:19:15,701 --> 00:19:18,620
'Cause it's obvious.
We go to the bathroom, never come back.

371
00:19:20,038 --> 00:19:22,457
That's the last time you'll ever see us.

372
00:19:22,541 --> 00:19:25,419
Your family's putting up
wanted posters in the restaurant.

373
00:19:25,502 --> 00:19:27,296
"Have you seen this man?"

374
00:19:30,924 --> 00:19:34,344
Imagine, people were fighting
about bathrooms every time in America.

375
00:19:34,428 --> 00:19:37,598
Every time. There was a time
when Black people had to fight

376
00:19:37,681 --> 00:19:39,641
to use public bathrooms. Huh.

377
00:19:39,725 --> 00:19:43,896
Same thing. Black people were like,
"Why can we not use public bathrooms?"

378
00:19:44,438 --> 00:19:45,898
And again, people were angry.

379
00:19:45,981 --> 00:19:47,316
"This is crazy."

380
00:19:47,399 --> 00:19:51,153
"You're gonna have Black people in this
in a public bathroom?"

381
00:19:51,236 --> 00:19:53,197
"How does that even work, huh?"

382
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:57,075
"So what? They're gonna be
standing there while I pee, huh?"

383
00:19:57,159 --> 00:19:59,369
"They're gonna be
looking at my wiener? Huh?"

384
00:19:59,453 --> 00:20:01,663
"And they're gonna laugh? Huh?"

385
00:20:08,212 --> 00:20:09,838
I'm old enough to remember

386
00:20:10,631 --> 00:20:12,549
when there was a discussion in America

387
00:20:12,633 --> 00:20:15,219
about whether gay people
could use public bathrooms.

388
00:20:15,802 --> 00:20:17,804
This was an actual topic of discussion.

389
00:20:18,722 --> 00:20:21,099
I remember people on the news
being interviewed.

390
00:20:21,183 --> 00:20:24,311
"Do you think gay men should
be allowed into the same bathrooms

391
00:20:24,394 --> 00:20:27,481
as straight men?" They'll be like,
"I don't mind what they do,

392
00:20:27,564 --> 00:20:29,650
if they keep it to themselves,
that's fine."

393
00:20:29,733 --> 00:20:33,820
"But just answer me this.
Answer me this. How is it gonna work?"

394
00:20:34,446 --> 00:20:37,407
"So what? You're in the bathroom
with them and then what?"

395
00:20:37,491 --> 00:20:39,618
"He's gay and I'm just standing there

396
00:20:39,701 --> 00:20:41,078
and I'm peeing, huh?"

397
00:20:41,161 --> 00:20:44,081
"And he's looking at my wiener? Huh?"

398
00:20:44,164 --> 00:20:46,333
"And then he grabs it, huh?"

399
00:20:47,209 --> 00:20:49,378
"And he starts yanking on it, huh?"

400
00:20:49,461 --> 00:20:50,921
"He just starts tugging away

401
00:20:51,004 --> 00:20:53,799
and I get hard and I'm enjoying it, huh?"

402
00:20:53,882 --> 00:20:57,678
"And then this is one of the best
experiences I've ever had, huh?"

403
00:20:58,262 --> 00:21:00,097
"And then I start coming back weekly

404
00:21:00,180 --> 00:21:02,808
hoping I'll bump into him and I do, huh?"

405
00:21:02,891 --> 00:21:05,185
"And then at some point
we agree to meet outside,

406
00:21:05,269 --> 00:21:08,605
a nice little restaurant that's cozy
and get to know each other, huh?"

407
00:21:08,689 --> 00:21:10,941
"And then a few years later,
we get married

408
00:21:11,024 --> 00:21:13,485
and our families are joined
and we live happily ever after?"

409
00:21:13,568 --> 00:21:14,987
"Is that what you want?"

410
00:21:19,950 --> 00:21:20,951
Wow.

411
00:21:24,329 --> 00:21:25,455
Public bathrooms.

412
00:21:28,875 --> 00:21:30,669
It's why you shouldn't bury your history.

413
00:21:33,255 --> 00:21:36,174
If you know what's happened,
you know what to predict.

414
00:21:36,258 --> 00:21:38,969
You understand why it happened
in the first place.

415
00:21:39,052 --> 00:21:41,513
Germany does that
in a truly astounding way.

416
00:21:41,596 --> 00:21:43,265
It will never be perfect.

417
00:21:43,348 --> 00:21:46,018
But Germany is one of the only countries
in the world

418
00:21:46,101 --> 00:21:48,895
that has actively
paid reparations for what they did.

419
00:21:50,022 --> 00:21:54,109
One of the only countries in the world
that has actively apologized

420
00:21:55,444 --> 00:21:59,031
and one of the only countries in the world
that's set about changing

421
00:21:59,114 --> 00:22:02,242
how they see themselves
and how the world sees them.

422
00:22:03,035 --> 00:22:06,330
After World War II,
Germany changed a bunch of laws.

423
00:22:06,413 --> 00:22:08,832
They changed the iconography
of the country.

424
00:22:08,915 --> 00:22:10,792
What you could hang,
where you could hang it.

425
00:22:10,876 --> 00:22:12,961
They changed their national anthem.

426
00:22:13,045 --> 00:22:15,797
Yeah, imagine that,
they changed the national anthem.

427
00:22:16,631 --> 00:22:19,676
They felt that the national anthem
was a nationalist song

428
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,512
that the Nazis used to inspire people
to think the wrong things.

429
00:22:22,596 --> 00:22:24,848
They changed it.
The original song was called

430
00:22:24,931 --> 00:22:26,975
<i>"Deutschland, Deutschland über alles."</i>

431
00:22:27,059 --> 00:22:29,603
You've probably heard it
in old movies or whatever.

432
00:22:29,686 --> 00:22:30,562
The song went like...

433
00:22:30,645 --> 00:22:32,105
[singing in German]

434
00:22:38,403 --> 00:22:40,739
And translated into English, it means...

435
00:22:40,822 --> 00:22:44,618
<i>♪ Germany, Germany over everything ♪</i>

436
00:22:44,701 --> 00:22:47,954
<i>♪ Over everything in the world ♪</i>

437
00:22:49,456 --> 00:22:50,791
And clearly they meant it.

438
00:22:52,501 --> 00:22:56,838
Yeah, where most anthems are theoretical,
the Germans are precise.

439
00:22:59,883 --> 00:23:03,762
But after World War II, they were like,
"We can't have that same attitude."

440
00:23:04,304 --> 00:23:05,889
And so they changed the anthem.

441
00:23:06,515 --> 00:23:07,557
And new lyrics.

442
00:23:07,641 --> 00:23:08,975
The new lyrics are...

443
00:23:09,059 --> 00:23:10,268
[singing in German]

444
00:23:17,234 --> 00:23:19,236
Which translated into English is...

445
00:23:19,778 --> 00:23:23,949
<i>♪ Unity and rights and freedom ♪</i>

446
00:23:24,032 --> 00:23:27,452
<i>♪ For all the people who live in Germany ♪</i>

447
00:23:30,372 --> 00:23:33,250
Which... Which is adorable.

448
00:23:35,043 --> 00:23:37,295
It's adorable.
They may as well have made the song...

449
00:23:37,379 --> 00:23:40,424
<i>♪ Sorry, sorry
We're so, so sorry ♪</i>

450
00:23:40,507 --> 00:23:43,468
<i>♪ Sorry, sorry, sorry for what we did ♪</i>

451
00:23:46,721 --> 00:23:49,933
I appreciate that they did it,
but I wouldn't have gone that far.

452
00:23:50,016 --> 00:23:52,144
I won't lie.
I wouldn't have gone that far.

453
00:23:52,227 --> 00:23:55,355
I think <i>über alles</i> is terrible.
That's not a good way to think.

454
00:23:55,439 --> 00:23:57,816
But you still gotta have
a bit of kick in your anthem.

455
00:23:57,899 --> 00:24:00,610
You still gotta have a...
I would've found a middle ground.

456
00:24:00,694 --> 00:24:01,778
Mine would have been...

457
00:24:01,862 --> 00:24:04,406
[in German] <i>♪ Germany
Germany, somewhere... ♪</i>

458
00:24:04,489 --> 00:24:05,991
[in English] ...in the top five.

459
00:24:06,992 --> 00:24:09,870
[in German]
<i>♪ Not over everything in the world ♪</i>

460
00:24:10,996 --> 00:24:13,915
[in English] <i>♪ Because we are definitely
In the top five ♪</i>

461
00:24:13,999 --> 00:24:15,709
<i>♪ When you think about it ♪</i>

462
00:24:15,792 --> 00:24:17,294
<i>♪ America's number one ♪</i>

463
00:24:17,377 --> 00:24:21,882
<i>♪ And then you have Great Britain
And then you have France and Spain ♪</i>

464
00:24:21,965 --> 00:24:23,633
<i>♪ And then we are at number five... ♪</i>

465
00:24:23,717 --> 00:24:25,635
Actually, Spain is not better than us.

466
00:24:25,719 --> 00:24:27,179
<i>♪ So we are number four ♪</i>

467
00:24:27,262 --> 00:24:28,763
<i>♪ Number four in the... ♪</i>

468
00:24:28,847 --> 00:24:32,225
Yeah, but France,
their economy is not that strong.

469
00:24:32,309 --> 00:24:34,561
<i>♪ So, maybe we are number three
In the world ♪</i>

470
00:24:34,644 --> 00:24:36,229
<i>♪ Then you have England above... ♪</i>

471
00:24:36,313 --> 00:24:39,065
Oh, wait, oh, Brexit was not a smart idea.

472
00:24:39,149 --> 00:24:42,319
<i>♪ So maybe if we are number two
And America is number... ♪</i>

473
00:24:42,402 --> 00:24:44,821
Oh, the elections are not that stable. So...

474
00:24:44,905 --> 00:24:47,532
Then maybe we are <i>über alles</i> of the world!

475
00:24:51,286 --> 00:24:52,120
[chuckles]

476
00:24:55,248 --> 00:24:57,751
[in normal accent] It's one
of the biggest things they did,

477
00:24:57,834 --> 00:24:59,669
and nobody knows that they did it.

478
00:25:00,837 --> 00:25:03,089
I was chatting to a German guy.

479
00:25:03,757 --> 00:25:06,426
And he was perplexed by this.
Absolutely perplexed.

480
00:25:06,510 --> 00:25:09,804
He said... [in German accent] "In Germany
we've done so many things."

481
00:25:09,888 --> 00:25:12,265
"The national anthem
was a big change for us."

482
00:25:12,349 --> 00:25:14,518
"I'm sure
the whole world talks about this."

483
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:18,647
[in normal accent] I said, "Nope." [sighs]

484
00:25:19,231 --> 00:25:20,857
He was like, "What do you mean?"

485
00:25:20,941 --> 00:25:23,276
"What do you mean?
Who doesn't talk about it?"

486
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:25,529
I was like, "Nobody.
Nobody talks about it."

487
00:25:25,612 --> 00:25:28,448
"Who's nobody?"
I was like, "Nobody. No one."

488
00:25:28,532 --> 00:25:30,700
"No one outside of Germany
even knows this."

489
00:25:30,784 --> 00:25:33,745
"How can they not know?"
I was like, "What do you mean?"

490
00:25:33,828 --> 00:25:36,414
"It's German. No one speaks German
outside Germany."

491
00:25:36,498 --> 00:25:37,707
"How would anyone know?"

492
00:25:37,791 --> 00:25:39,709
"Also, you guys did something weird."

493
00:25:39,793 --> 00:25:43,547
"You changed the lyrics,
but you kept the beat."

494
00:25:46,925 --> 00:25:48,093
It's a strange move.

495
00:25:48,635 --> 00:25:52,639
[in German accent] You're like, "This song
is terrible, and we're changing it."

496
00:25:52,722 --> 00:25:54,057
<i>"Ja.</i> What about the beat?"

497
00:25:54,140 --> 00:25:57,310
"No, we are keeping that 'cause
I've learned all the moves. <i>Ja."</i>

498
00:26:01,231 --> 00:26:04,484
[normally] That's probably why most people
don't know it changed.

499
00:26:04,568 --> 00:26:08,321
You've kept the beat.
Most people don't know the lyrics.

500
00:26:08,405 --> 00:26:09,823
We just know the beat.

501
00:26:09,906 --> 00:26:12,534
No one knew Michael Jackson
was saying, "You're a vegetable."

502
00:26:12,617 --> 00:26:13,910
None of us knew that.

503
00:26:13,994 --> 00:26:16,580
Some of you are like,
"When did he say 'vegetable'?"

504
00:26:16,663 --> 00:26:18,331
Been singing it your whole life...

505
00:26:18,415 --> 00:26:19,624
<i>♪ You're a vegetable ♪</i>

506
00:26:21,751 --> 00:26:24,004
No one knows lyrics.
We just know the beat.

507
00:26:25,964 --> 00:26:27,966
That's what Germany did. It's weird.

508
00:26:28,717 --> 00:26:33,305
It's weird to not change the music.
'Cause the music comes with emotion.

509
00:26:34,222 --> 00:26:36,975
I was trying to explain this to him.
He didn't get it.

510
00:26:37,934 --> 00:26:40,020
And I realized,
you know what it's like.

511
00:26:40,103 --> 00:26:41,104
What Germany did,

512
00:26:41,730 --> 00:26:44,274
it would be like if in <i>Star Wars,</i> right?

513
00:26:44,357 --> 00:26:48,153
You know <i>Star Wars.</i>
All right, let's say, Darth Vader.

514
00:26:48,236 --> 00:26:50,238
Whenever Darth Vader came into a scene,

515
00:26:50,322 --> 00:26:52,574
whenever he landed
on one of those planets,

516
00:26:52,657 --> 00:26:55,118
you always knew something
was about to go down,

517
00:26:55,201 --> 00:26:56,453
something bad,

518
00:26:56,536 --> 00:26:57,954
because he had his music.

519
00:26:58,622 --> 00:27:01,207
All right?
The music told you what was gonna happen.

520
00:27:01,291 --> 00:27:02,417
The ship would land...

521
00:27:02,500 --> 00:27:03,752
[imitates whooshing]

522
00:27:04,586 --> 00:27:05,587
Door would open...

523
00:27:05,670 --> 00:27:07,130
[imitates electric hum]

524
00:27:07,213 --> 00:27:08,590
And he'd be standing there.

525
00:27:08,673 --> 00:27:10,467
[imitates strained breathing]

526
00:27:13,386 --> 00:27:14,471
But he would never...

527
00:27:14,554 --> 00:27:17,849
He would never come into the game
without his song playing.

528
00:27:17,932 --> 00:27:20,852
Never. He'll be there,
DJ on the side, like,

529
00:27:20,935 --> 00:27:22,896
[mimics Darth Vader] "DJ, play my jam."

530
00:27:24,064 --> 00:27:25,815
[imitates record scratching]

531
00:27:27,567 --> 00:27:29,444
[mimics "The Imperial March"]

532
00:27:31,488 --> 00:27:32,489
"That's right."

533
00:27:36,660 --> 00:27:37,494
"Uh-huh."

534
00:27:41,623 --> 00:27:43,750
And then you knew it was about to go down.

535
00:27:44,626 --> 00:27:45,502
Get down there...

536
00:27:45,585 --> 00:27:47,671
[mimics Darth Vader]
"Kneel before me, Jedi."

537
00:27:47,754 --> 00:27:50,006
[in high-pitched voice] "We'll never kneel
before you."

538
00:27:50,090 --> 00:27:52,133
[mimics lightsabers whooshing]

539
00:27:54,636 --> 00:27:56,888
"You cannot defeat me."

540
00:27:56,971 --> 00:27:59,766
"He's so strong.
I don't know if we're gonna win."

541
00:27:59,849 --> 00:28:01,351
[mimics Yoda] "Defeat him, we shall."

542
00:28:01,434 --> 00:28:03,353
[continues mimicking lightsabers]

543
00:28:04,229 --> 00:28:05,480
"Use the Force, we will."

544
00:28:08,149 --> 00:28:12,153
[mimicking Darth Vader]
"Ahh, you have defeated me!"

545
00:28:12,237 --> 00:28:14,489
"We did it, Master Yoda! We did it!

546
00:28:14,572 --> 00:28:15,949
"We defeated Darth Vader!"

547
00:28:16,032 --> 00:28:17,575
[mimics Yoda] "Indeed, we have."

548
00:28:17,659 --> 00:28:18,827
"What do we do now?"

549
00:28:18,910 --> 00:28:20,870
"Free the Empire, we shall."

550
00:28:20,954 --> 00:28:23,289
"Travel around,
the good news we shall spread."

551
00:28:23,373 --> 00:28:24,249
"Let's do it."

552
00:28:24,332 --> 00:28:26,626
"Yes, a new song we shall play."

553
00:28:26,710 --> 00:28:29,462
[mimics "The Imperial March"]

554
00:28:31,005 --> 00:28:32,006
"You're free."

555
00:28:32,090 --> 00:28:34,259
[mimics "The Imperial March"]

556
00:28:35,677 --> 00:28:37,387
[in normal voice] It's weird.

557
00:28:48,231 --> 00:28:50,608
It's still impressive, though.
Still impressive.

558
00:28:50,692 --> 00:28:54,821
Changing your national anthem
is no small thing.

559
00:28:54,904 --> 00:28:55,905
It truly isn't.

560
00:28:56,698 --> 00:28:57,991
Changing anything.

561
00:28:58,074 --> 00:28:59,826
We were having this conversation.

562
00:29:00,410 --> 00:29:03,079
And afterwards, he said
something interesting, he's like,

563
00:29:03,163 --> 00:29:06,458
[in German accent] "Because we saw
how Germany had to change

564
00:29:06,541 --> 00:29:09,711
how it saw itself
in order to change what it did,

565
00:29:09,794 --> 00:29:11,588
it's why we changed the anthem."

566
00:29:11,671 --> 00:29:13,256
I was like, "That's powerful."

567
00:29:13,339 --> 00:29:15,633
He's like, "Do you think
America would ever change..."

568
00:29:15,717 --> 00:29:18,219
I was like,
"Don't even finish that sentence."

569
00:29:18,303 --> 00:29:22,015
"You don't even finish that sentence."

570
00:29:23,433 --> 00:29:27,771
If there's one thing I've learned,
America hates change.

571
00:29:28,438 --> 00:29:32,984
Whoo! America does not like change.

572
00:29:34,277 --> 00:29:36,154
You wanna change
the things Germany changed?

573
00:29:36,237 --> 00:29:38,740
The money, the flags, the anthem.
Are you kidding me?

574
00:29:38,823 --> 00:29:41,242
Remember when they tried
to change the $20 bill?

575
00:29:41,826 --> 00:29:43,077
Remember that?

576
00:29:43,161 --> 00:29:45,497
They said they'd put
Harriet Tubman on the bill.

577
00:29:45,580 --> 00:29:48,750
People got so angry,
they postponed it indefinitely.

578
00:29:49,834 --> 00:29:52,295
People were furious. "What are you doing?"

579
00:29:52,378 --> 00:29:54,506
"We're putting Harriet..."
"How dare you?"

580
00:29:54,589 --> 00:29:58,343
"How dare you take
an American president off the $20?"

581
00:29:58,426 --> 00:29:59,761
"How dare you take..."

582
00:29:59,844 --> 00:30:01,346
"Who's on the $20?"

583
00:30:02,013 --> 00:30:06,935
"How dare you take Andrew Jackson
off the $20 bill?"

584
00:30:07,018 --> 00:30:09,854
"They're just putting
Harriet Tubman on the front,

585
00:30:09,938 --> 00:30:11,648
and Andrew Jackson will be on the back."

586
00:30:11,731 --> 00:30:15,360
"You're putting an American president
on the back? On the back?"

587
00:30:15,443 --> 00:30:17,028
"That's disrespectful!"

588
00:30:17,111 --> 00:30:18,363
It's not, really.

589
00:30:18,446 --> 00:30:20,448
If you know your history,
you would know,

590
00:30:20,532 --> 00:30:23,326
Andrew Jackson would love to be
on the back side of a Black woman,

591
00:30:23,409 --> 00:30:25,411
so I don't know why you're so stressed.

592
00:30:27,247 --> 00:30:28,748
I feel like everybody wins.

593
00:30:35,088 --> 00:30:36,923
People were furious, though.

594
00:30:37,632 --> 00:30:40,468
And now you're gonna suggest
changing the flag?

595
00:30:40,552 --> 00:30:42,929
Suggest changing the anthem? Whoo!

596
00:30:43,555 --> 00:30:46,099
There's two things I've learned,
living in America.

597
00:30:46,182 --> 00:30:50,061
It's you respect the flag
and you respect the anthem.

598
00:30:50,645 --> 00:30:52,272
I don't know what it means.

599
00:30:53,690 --> 00:30:54,983
But I follow the rules.

600
00:30:56,901 --> 00:30:59,404
I say I don't know
what it means is because it's confusing.

601
00:30:59,487 --> 00:31:02,824
You'll meet people like,
"You respect the flag!" and I get it.

602
00:31:02,907 --> 00:31:05,285
But then I'll see those same people
on July 4th,

603
00:31:05,368 --> 00:31:07,579
and they'll be wearing the flag
as underwear.

604
00:31:11,916 --> 00:31:12,917
Does that count?

605
00:31:14,252 --> 00:31:16,045
And you looked up
and you were like,

606
00:31:16,129 --> 00:31:17,714
"That flag, these balls."

607
00:31:25,638 --> 00:31:27,765
I would never suggest changing any of it.

608
00:31:27,849 --> 00:31:29,767
The anthem? Oh, no, never the anthem.

609
00:31:30,310 --> 00:31:32,937
Even though it could.
Maybe it could do with a little change.

610
00:31:33,021 --> 00:31:35,315
It is a very violent anthem.

611
00:31:35,940 --> 00:31:38,276
And America struggles with violence,

612
00:31:38,359 --> 00:31:39,694
Maybe like a softer...

613
00:31:39,777 --> 00:31:41,195
It's a violent anthem.

614
00:31:41,279 --> 00:31:45,366
It's the only anthem I've ever heard
that has bombs blowing up in it.

615
00:31:45,992 --> 00:31:50,079
Yeah. There are bombs and rockets
in your national anthem.

616
00:31:50,705 --> 00:31:52,749
It's like a Michael Bay movie in a song.

617
00:31:53,666 --> 00:31:55,668
Everything blowing up in slow motion.

618
00:31:55,752 --> 00:31:57,754
[imitates explosions]

619
00:31:57,837 --> 00:32:00,798
It's almost like you're threatening
other countries as well.

620
00:32:00,882 --> 00:32:04,135
It's like, "Yeah, bombs bursting
and rockets were flaring."

621
00:32:04,218 --> 00:32:05,136
"Try us."

622
00:32:07,388 --> 00:32:09,349
It's like a gangster rap, to be honest.

623
00:32:10,516 --> 00:32:11,351
It really is.

624
00:32:11,434 --> 00:32:13,728
The American anthem
is like a gangster rap.

625
00:32:13,811 --> 00:32:15,605
It has all the same elements.

626
00:32:15,688 --> 00:32:17,732
It has the violence, it has the threats.

627
00:32:17,815 --> 00:32:19,859
You know how it's similar
to a gangster rap?

628
00:32:19,943 --> 00:32:23,821
The American anthem is the only anthem
where you can put the word "bitch"

629
00:32:23,905 --> 00:32:25,782
at the end of any line

630
00:32:27,951 --> 00:32:29,953
and the song still makes sense.

631
00:32:32,830 --> 00:32:36,626
<i>♪ Gave proof through the night ♪</i>

632
00:32:36,709 --> 00:32:39,921
<i>♪ That our flag was still there ♪</i>

633
00:32:40,004 --> 00:32:41,089
<i>♪ Bitch ♪</i>

634
00:32:53,935 --> 00:32:56,437
I love the American national anthem,
I won't lie.

635
00:32:57,146 --> 00:33:00,817
It's exciting, and I know all the words.
I didn't try, but I know them.

636
00:33:00,900 --> 00:33:03,611
It's one of those songs
that you hear so much that you know it.

637
00:33:03,695 --> 00:33:04,529
Sort of like

638
00:33:04,612 --> 00:33:06,364
<i>♪ Nationwide is on your side ♪</i>

639
00:33:06,447 --> 00:33:07,407
Same...

640
00:33:07,490 --> 00:33:10,618
Same thing. Don't wanna know that.
Don't need to know that.

641
00:33:10,702 --> 00:33:13,621
Wish I could reclaim the space
in my brain, but it's there.

642
00:33:15,039 --> 00:33:19,335
America's national anthem is like that,
'cause you hear it so much in America.

643
00:33:20,211 --> 00:33:23,089
Now, this is the only country
I've ever ever lived in

644
00:33:23,172 --> 00:33:24,966
where you play the national anthem

645
00:33:25,466 --> 00:33:27,677
when there is no other country
in attendance.

646
00:33:31,055 --> 00:33:32,807
It would be like basketball games,

647
00:33:32,890 --> 00:33:33,933
football games,

648
00:33:34,017 --> 00:33:35,184
beer pong games,

649
00:33:35,268 --> 00:33:36,436
national anthem.

650
00:33:38,062 --> 00:33:41,524
Which I know is normal
if you've lived in America all your life.

651
00:33:41,607 --> 00:33:44,402
"What other way is there, Trevor?"
I'll tell you...

652
00:33:44,485 --> 00:33:47,989
I'll tell you as somebody
who comes from the rest of the world,

653
00:33:49,824 --> 00:33:51,284
that's not a thing.

654
00:33:52,702 --> 00:33:54,454
It's not. Most places in the world,

655
00:33:54,537 --> 00:33:56,873
you play the national anthem
maybe once a year,

656
00:33:56,956 --> 00:33:59,042
on a national event,
or when you're competing

657
00:33:59,125 --> 00:34:01,210
against another country.
Then you play it.

658
00:34:01,294 --> 00:34:05,590
'Cause the other country is there
and you have to prove to your country

659
00:34:06,215 --> 00:34:08,634
that you're loyal.
That's why you sing the song.

660
00:34:09,427 --> 00:34:11,387
'Cause countries are very insecure.

661
00:34:13,181 --> 00:34:14,515
You have to reassure them.

662
00:34:15,224 --> 00:34:16,350
Constantly reassuring.

663
00:34:16,434 --> 00:34:18,061
They should go to therapy,

664
00:34:18,144 --> 00:34:20,605
deal with their attachment issues,
but they don't.

665
00:34:21,272 --> 00:34:24,025
You only realize
how insecure countries are

666
00:34:24,108 --> 00:34:25,943
when you leave your country.

667
00:34:26,027 --> 00:34:27,403
Have you ever left and come back?

668
00:34:27,487 --> 00:34:29,280
Have you seen the questions
your country asks you?

669
00:34:29,363 --> 00:34:31,574
So insecure, so jealous.

670
00:34:31,657 --> 00:34:34,535
Just like, "Where have you been, huh?"

671
00:34:35,203 --> 00:34:37,330
"Where have you been? Which countries?"

672
00:34:37,413 --> 00:34:39,540
"So what? You have another country now?"

673
00:34:39,624 --> 00:34:41,918
"Is that what you're doing, huh? Huh?"

674
00:34:42,001 --> 00:34:45,630
"Which stamps are these? Let's see
who's been stamping your passport."

675
00:34:45,713 --> 00:34:48,716
You're like, "Damn, country.
Let me get my privacy."

676
00:34:52,428 --> 00:34:56,641
That's why you only sing the anthem
when there's another country attending.

677
00:34:56,724 --> 00:34:58,351
The only time you do it.

678
00:34:58,434 --> 00:35:01,062
That's what it's for,
to make your country feel good.

679
00:35:01,813 --> 00:35:02,730
All right?

680
00:35:02,814 --> 00:35:04,565
You know what national anthems are?

681
00:35:04,649 --> 00:35:10,696
National anthems are the geopolitical
equivalent of that thing women do

682
00:35:11,322 --> 00:35:12,365
to us men.

683
00:35:13,407 --> 00:35:17,203
Like, ladies, you know that trick
you have for that man in your life?

684
00:35:17,286 --> 00:35:20,123
Like, whenever his ego is bruised,

685
00:35:20,665 --> 00:35:23,543
and you have to you try and heal it.

686
00:35:24,585 --> 00:35:27,296
Every woman in this room has a trick

687
00:35:27,380 --> 00:35:29,090
that works on every man.

688
00:35:29,173 --> 00:35:33,010
And right now, I know a lot of the women
are like, "Shut up, Trevor!"

689
00:35:33,094 --> 00:35:35,763
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

690
00:35:36,764 --> 00:35:38,891
It's a beautiful, subtle technique.

691
00:35:38,975 --> 00:35:41,811
Yeah, you'll be out
having lunch or something,

692
00:35:41,894 --> 00:35:44,188
and some guy will come up to the table.

693
00:35:44,272 --> 00:35:46,899
He's buff, works out,
you know, looks really good.

694
00:35:46,983 --> 00:35:49,694
He's like,
"Oh, my God, Michelle? Michelle?"

695
00:35:49,777 --> 00:35:52,864
Like, "Oh, Justin? Oh, my God."

696
00:35:52,947 --> 00:35:54,365
"Wow. How are you?"

697
00:35:54,448 --> 00:35:57,368
And you're like,
"Who the hell is Justin? What's going on?"

698
00:35:57,451 --> 00:36:00,454
He's like, "This is crazy.
Twice in two weeks?"

699
00:36:01,497 --> 00:36:05,001
And you go like, "Twice?
When was once? Who is this?"

700
00:36:05,084 --> 00:36:07,420
"I know. Oh, my God. How are you?"

701
00:36:07,503 --> 00:36:10,840
"I'm doing good. We gotta catch up.
We gotta talk about college."

702
00:36:10,923 --> 00:36:13,718
"I was thinking about it.
We were so crazy in college."

703
00:36:13,801 --> 00:36:15,636
"You remember that night?"

704
00:36:15,720 --> 00:36:18,097
"You went to college? What's going on?"

705
00:36:19,307 --> 00:36:23,603
She can feel your ego
slowly withering like a raisin in the sun.

706
00:36:25,521 --> 00:36:27,190
And she won't look at you.

707
00:36:27,273 --> 00:36:28,858
She won't make it a big thing.

708
00:36:28,941 --> 00:36:30,610
She'll continue the conversation.

709
00:36:30,693 --> 00:36:33,321
But they'll gently just
put their hand on your thigh.

710
00:36:34,572 --> 00:36:36,532
And then just start rubbing it.

711
00:36:37,617 --> 00:36:39,702
She'll carry on like nothing's happening.

712
00:36:39,785 --> 00:36:43,456
"I know, those were crazy. I was
a cheerleader. What are you gonna do?"

713
00:36:43,539 --> 00:36:45,917
"It's just one of those."
And the hand is going,

714
00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:48,211
"Shh. Shh, shh, shh."

715
00:36:49,253 --> 00:36:51,589
"Shh. It's okay. It's okay."

716
00:36:52,215 --> 00:36:55,051
"It's okay, you're a big man. Big man."

717
00:36:56,052 --> 00:36:58,471
"Strong man. That's right."

718
00:36:58,554 --> 00:37:02,808
"There's no other man in the world.
Just you. Look at you. Wow."

719
00:37:02,892 --> 00:37:04,602
"What a big man. Yeah."

720
00:37:04,685 --> 00:37:07,021
"Who, this guy?
I don't even know who he is."

721
00:37:07,772 --> 00:37:09,398
"Yeah, no, with his muscles."

722
00:37:09,482 --> 00:37:11,108
"Oh, I don't like muscles, no."

723
00:37:11,776 --> 00:37:13,653
"I hate muscles. They're disgusting."

724
00:37:13,736 --> 00:37:17,990
"Look at him, all working out
and everything's in shape and bulging."

725
00:37:18,074 --> 00:37:19,200
"No, it's disgusting."

726
00:37:19,283 --> 00:37:22,036
"What, six-packs?
No, I don't want a six-pack."

727
00:37:22,119 --> 00:37:24,830
"I don't like six-packs.
That's why I like you." Boop!

728
00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:32,588
That's what a national anthem is.

729
00:37:40,388 --> 00:37:42,306
You reassuring your country.

730
00:37:45,351 --> 00:37:48,229
The American anthem
is such an interesting one. You know?

731
00:37:48,312 --> 00:37:51,107
Everything that represents America
is the anthem.

732
00:37:51,190 --> 00:37:54,235
America has the most fun
anthem rules in the world.

733
00:37:54,318 --> 00:37:58,155
Only country in the world
where you're allowed to sing the anthem

734
00:37:58,239 --> 00:37:59,657
however you want.

735
00:38:00,783 --> 00:38:03,286
However you want.

736
00:38:03,369 --> 00:38:05,079
You can't do that anywhere else.

737
00:38:05,162 --> 00:38:07,832
Everywhere else,
the anthem is the way it is written.

738
00:38:07,915 --> 00:38:09,458
It's boring, and that's the point.

739
00:38:09,542 --> 00:38:10,793
You can't just change it.

740
00:38:10,876 --> 00:38:12,837
In America,
you can do whatever you please.

741
00:38:13,879 --> 00:38:15,339
I noticed it the first time.

742
00:38:15,423 --> 00:38:18,092
The first time I noticed it
was at a basketball game.

743
00:38:18,175 --> 00:38:22,305
It was the New York Knicks
against the Toronto Raptors, right?

744
00:38:22,388 --> 00:38:24,974
And because the Raptors are from Canada,

745
00:38:25,725 --> 00:38:30,688
they had to play two national anthems
before the game, which is rare.

746
00:38:31,689 --> 00:38:35,192
And so we're in the arena
and then the voice comes on.

747
00:38:35,276 --> 00:38:36,902
"Ladies and gentlemen,

748
00:38:36,986 --> 00:38:39,822
please stand
for the Canadian national anthem."

749
00:38:39,905 --> 00:38:41,324
And everybody stood,

750
00:38:42,241 --> 00:38:44,368
and then they just played,
like, a tape somewhere.

751
00:38:46,370 --> 00:38:47,288
[chuckles]

752
00:38:47,371 --> 00:38:49,040
You could tell they didn't care.

753
00:38:50,333 --> 00:38:53,169
And it was the song,
the Canadian song. It's always the same.

754
00:38:53,252 --> 00:38:55,838
<i>♪ O Canada... ♪</i>

755
00:38:55,921 --> 00:38:56,964
[humming gibberish]

756
00:39:01,260 --> 00:39:03,888
<i>♪ And something, something
Brings us back to... ♪</i>

757
00:39:03,971 --> 00:39:05,765
[singing "Do-Re-Mi"] <i>♪ Do-do-do-do... ♪</i>

758
00:39:05,848 --> 00:39:06,932
[chuckles]

759
00:39:07,725 --> 00:39:11,604
You know the song, man.
I don't have time for that. Whatever.

760
00:39:12,146 --> 00:39:13,814
They sang the Canadian anthem.

761
00:39:14,398 --> 00:39:15,316
They were done.

762
00:39:16,442 --> 00:39:17,651
The announcer came back,

763
00:39:17,735 --> 00:39:19,362
"And now, ladies and gentlemen,

764
00:39:19,445 --> 00:39:22,239
please stay standing
for the American national anthem."

765
00:39:23,032 --> 00:39:24,450
And that's my favorite part.

766
00:39:25,701 --> 00:39:27,370
Yeah, the lights will go dark.

767
00:39:29,163 --> 00:39:31,374
Someone walks to the middle of the arena.

768
00:39:32,083 --> 00:39:34,585
It's always so intense, complete silence.

769
00:39:47,598 --> 00:39:52,520
[slowly] <i>♪ O say ♪</i>

770
00:39:54,647 --> 00:40:01,612
<i>♪ Can you ♪</i>

771
00:40:11,330 --> 00:40:14,458
<i>♪ See ♪</i>

772
00:40:20,005 --> 00:40:25,803
<i>♪ By the dawn's early light ♪</i>

773
00:40:25,886 --> 00:40:28,055
[vocalizing off-tune]

774
00:40:30,558 --> 00:40:32,017
[vocalizing droning]

775
00:40:48,826 --> 00:40:55,708
<i>♪ What so proudly we hail'd... ♪</i>

776
00:40:55,791 --> 00:40:58,919
Why are you trying to make
the anthem sexy? What are you doing?

777
00:40:59,587 --> 00:41:00,838
I never understand that.

778
00:41:00,921 --> 00:41:03,841
Why are you trying to make it a sexy song?

779
00:41:08,471 --> 00:41:12,224
You'll never be in England
and see someone like, "Remix!"

780
00:41:12,308 --> 00:41:13,601
<i>♪ God save
God save the Queen ♪</i>

781
00:41:13,684 --> 00:41:16,228
<i>♪ God save the Queen
I save the Queen with sexy sex ♪</i>

782
00:41:16,312 --> 00:41:17,980
<i>♪ Save the Queen
Let's save the Queen ♪</i>

783
00:41:18,063 --> 00:41:20,024
<i>♪ With sexy sex
Come on, save that Queen ♪</i>

784
00:41:27,156 --> 00:41:28,115
Oh, man.

785
00:41:37,458 --> 00:41:38,459
So, Germany was fun.

786
00:41:42,046 --> 00:41:47,051
And then we headed
to Paris, France, to do shows

787
00:41:47,676 --> 00:41:49,220
for the first time in my life,

788
00:41:49,303 --> 00:41:50,429
I was very excited.

789
00:41:50,513 --> 00:41:52,348
I always wanted to perform in Paris.

790
00:41:52,431 --> 00:41:54,850
Didn't know what it would be.
But can I tell you?

791
00:41:54,934 --> 00:41:57,853
Paris is everything they tell you it is.

792
00:41:57,937 --> 00:42:04,193
It is easily one of the most romantic
cities I have ever been to in my life.

793
00:42:04,276 --> 00:42:07,530
I fell in love 1,000 times.

794
00:42:08,280 --> 00:42:10,115
I was by myself. It didn't matter.

795
00:42:10,991 --> 00:42:11,909
Yeah.

796
00:42:11,992 --> 00:42:14,578
Every night, it was just me
and those bedbugs, baby.

797
00:42:21,085 --> 00:42:26,674
I really enjoyed Paris
because I got to meet Parisians.

798
00:42:27,383 --> 00:42:28,384
In person.

799
00:42:28,467 --> 00:42:30,844
Not stereotypes,
not things you're told about.

800
00:42:30,928 --> 00:42:34,890
No, actually meet French people,
learn about them from them.

801
00:42:34,974 --> 00:42:37,393
And I learned some truly amazing things.

802
00:42:37,476 --> 00:42:42,481
For instance, the French have
a very different relationship with work

803
00:42:43,190 --> 00:42:45,317
than the rest of us, all right?

804
00:42:45,401 --> 00:42:47,611
In that they don't give a shit about it.

805
00:42:52,157 --> 00:42:54,451
Which, honestly, I found inspiring.

806
00:42:54,535 --> 00:42:55,995
Yeah. I feel like a lot of us

807
00:42:56,078 --> 00:42:58,872
have become a little
too attached to our work, you know?

808
00:42:58,956 --> 00:43:00,416
We identify with our work.

809
00:43:00,499 --> 00:43:03,168
Ever asked somebody like,
"Tell me about yourself"?

810
00:43:03,252 --> 00:43:04,795
"I'm an architect..."

811
00:43:04,878 --> 00:43:07,423
"Tell me about yourself."
"I own a hair salon and..."

812
00:43:07,506 --> 00:43:09,633
"Tell me about yourself."
"I'm a teacher..."

813
00:43:09,717 --> 00:43:11,010
"Tell me about yourself,"

814
00:43:11,093 --> 00:43:13,304
and people will tell you
about what they do.

815
00:43:13,387 --> 00:43:17,057
You know, it's become the thing
that people focus on.

816
00:43:17,141 --> 00:43:19,310
The French don't do that. No.

817
00:43:19,393 --> 00:43:21,854
You'll never meet
a French person who does that.

818
00:43:21,937 --> 00:43:25,065
You go up to a French person and be like,
"Excuse me. What do you do?"

819
00:43:25,149 --> 00:43:29,236
Be like, [in French accent] "Oh, me?
I go for walks with my friends and, uh...

820
00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:32,489
I like to eat good food and..."

821
00:43:32,573 --> 00:43:35,409
[in normal voice] You're like, "No,
what do you do for a living?"

822
00:43:35,492 --> 00:43:37,202
"For a living? <i>Pardon."</i>

823
00:43:37,286 --> 00:43:38,412
"Okay, for a living."

824
00:43:38,495 --> 00:43:41,165
"Okay, no, I, uh, breathe and, uh..."

825
00:43:42,082 --> 00:43:44,418
"You know, I drink water
and, uh, you know..."

826
00:43:44,501 --> 00:43:47,046
"Of course,
I have to make love, you know."

827
00:43:50,883 --> 00:43:53,594
[in normal voice]
It's just a different way to be, man.

828
00:43:53,677 --> 00:43:56,680
You know, not being
so attached to your work. It was lovely.

829
00:43:56,764 --> 00:44:01,977
I learned this because
when I flew to Paris, my luggage was lost.

830
00:44:02,686 --> 00:44:03,979
All right? Yeah.

831
00:44:04,063 --> 00:44:08,484
Landed in the airport,
and bags were gone, didn't arrive.

832
00:44:08,567 --> 00:44:10,778
I discovered this at the carousel,

833
00:44:10,861 --> 00:44:13,405
which is a shitty thing
that airlines do to you.

834
00:44:14,323 --> 00:44:16,075
They know your bags are not coming.

835
00:44:18,327 --> 00:44:20,996
Yeah, they know where your bag is
every single moment.

836
00:44:21,789 --> 00:44:22,998
But they don't tell you.

837
00:44:23,082 --> 00:44:25,167
They'll let you stand there like an idiot

838
00:44:25,876 --> 00:44:27,086
with hope in your heart.

839
00:44:29,004 --> 00:44:32,132
They could come to your seat
before take-off and be like,

840
00:44:32,216 --> 00:44:33,300
"It's not coming."

841
00:44:35,552 --> 00:44:37,096
"Spoiler alert."

842
00:44:38,639 --> 00:44:40,307
But they don't. [chuckles]

843
00:44:40,391 --> 00:44:43,477
They let you take off
with all that joy like an idiot.

844
00:44:43,560 --> 00:44:44,520
Whee!

845
00:44:45,562 --> 00:44:46,980
I landed in Paris.

846
00:44:47,064 --> 00:44:49,274
Thought it was
the beginning of a great trip.

847
00:44:49,358 --> 00:44:52,069
I was skipping around.
I had my full-luggage swag,

848
00:44:52,152 --> 00:44:53,779
"I'm going get my bags,

849
00:44:53,862 --> 00:44:55,698
go into Paris, start exploring."

850
00:44:55,781 --> 00:44:57,241
Got to the carousel. I was like,

851
00:44:57,324 --> 00:44:59,201
"Mmm-mmm, full luggage swag."

852
00:44:59,284 --> 00:45:01,787
"That's right.
Let me get my luggage, everybody."

853
00:45:01,870 --> 00:45:03,622
I was like, "Excuse me."

854
00:45:03,747 --> 00:45:04,832
"Make space, please."

855
00:45:04,915 --> 00:45:06,917
"I would like to lean over the carousel."

856
00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:08,377
"Makes the bags come quicker."

857
00:45:08,460 --> 00:45:10,003
"Come on, lucky bag."

858
00:45:14,800 --> 00:45:16,844
I had full luggage swag.

859
00:45:16,927 --> 00:45:20,013
Bags started coming out
and I was standing there, judging them.

860
00:45:20,097 --> 00:45:22,224
"Ha-ha! Who still uses Samsonite?"

861
00:45:22,307 --> 00:45:23,600
[laughs]

862
00:45:24,184 --> 00:45:25,811
"Ah! Where's my bag?"

863
00:45:25,894 --> 00:45:27,980
Bags going around, going around,

864
00:45:28,063 --> 00:45:30,065
and then new bags stopped coming out.

865
00:45:30,149 --> 00:45:31,400
I started worrying.

866
00:45:32,526 --> 00:45:34,611
Then there were fewer and fewer bags.

867
00:45:35,154 --> 00:45:36,405
And I was like, "Oh, my bag..."

868
00:45:37,364 --> 00:45:38,490
"My bag's not coming."

869
00:45:39,867 --> 00:45:43,162
And I realized my bag hadn't arrived.

870
00:45:44,621 --> 00:45:46,999
It was terrible. I had the same feeling,

871
00:45:47,082 --> 00:45:48,834
the same feeling I had as a child

872
00:45:49,501 --> 00:45:51,503
when my mom would forget me at school.

873
00:45:52,880 --> 00:45:53,922
Exactly the same.

874
00:45:54,006 --> 00:45:57,384
Standing at the carousel, felt like
I was ten years old again, like...

875
00:45:57,468 --> 00:45:59,636
[exaggeratedly imitates a child crying]

876
00:46:01,972 --> 00:46:05,726
[sobbing] "No, Mr. Wilkinson,
it's fine, you can go."

877
00:46:05,809 --> 00:46:08,520
"My mom's going to come.
Don't worry, you can go home."

878
00:46:08,604 --> 00:46:11,523
"She's coming. She wouldn't forget me."

879
00:46:11,607 --> 00:46:13,150
"No... She's..."

880
00:46:13,233 --> 00:46:15,778
"She's probably dead somewhere right now."

881
00:46:15,861 --> 00:46:19,156
"She's probably in a ditch lying dead."

882
00:46:22,242 --> 00:46:24,036
[in normal voice] She forgot me.

883
00:46:25,037 --> 00:46:26,830
She'd forget me occasionally.

884
00:46:26,914 --> 00:46:28,624
And then I'd have to walk home.

885
00:46:28,707 --> 00:46:30,000
It was like an hour walk.

886
00:46:30,584 --> 00:46:32,461
[laughs] And I'd get home,

887
00:46:32,544 --> 00:46:34,963
and she'd always have
the same reaction when I walked in,

888
00:46:35,047 --> 00:46:36,465
'cause she worked from home.

889
00:46:36,548 --> 00:46:39,176
She'd have a little computer
where she'd be typing away,

890
00:46:39,259 --> 00:46:41,845
and I'd walk into the house
and I'll close the door like...

891
00:46:41,929 --> 00:46:44,348
Always the same reaction, she'll be like...
[gasps]

892
00:46:45,516 --> 00:46:48,977
"No, no, no, no, no, baby, no!
No, no, no, no! Oh!"

893
00:46:49,061 --> 00:46:50,103
"What time is it?"

894
00:46:50,187 --> 00:46:52,815
And I'll be like, "It's too late."

895
00:46:58,278 --> 00:47:01,532
I'm not going to lie.
I hated being forgotten at school,

896
00:47:01,615 --> 00:47:03,325
but I savored those moments.

897
00:47:04,076 --> 00:47:07,871
'Cause it wasn't any sweat,
to be honest. I liked walking.

898
00:47:07,955 --> 00:47:10,374
It's not like I was stressed on the walk.

899
00:47:11,041 --> 00:47:13,418
I'd be kicking stones,
singing on the way back.

900
00:47:13,502 --> 00:47:16,755
I'd get to the house
and be like, "No, wait a minute. Hmm."

901
00:47:18,549 --> 00:47:20,259
I loved it 'cause that was the one moment

902
00:47:20,342 --> 00:47:23,762
when I was allowed to give my mom
unlimited attitude with no repercussions.

903
00:47:23,846 --> 00:47:24,972
None.

904
00:47:25,055 --> 00:47:26,306
'Cause when I was a kid,

905
00:47:26,390 --> 00:47:28,684
you couldn't give attitude
to your parents.

906
00:47:28,767 --> 00:47:31,812
I wasn't a white child.
You know what I mean? You couldn't...

907
00:47:31,895 --> 00:47:33,105
I had to watch myself.

908
00:47:34,356 --> 00:47:36,358
But when she messed up, ooh, I loved it.

909
00:47:36,441 --> 00:47:38,151
She'd be like, "Can you forgive me, baby?"

910
00:47:38,235 --> 00:47:40,070
I'll be like, "I'll think about it."

911
00:47:44,783 --> 00:47:47,160
Now I had to find somebody to help me.

912
00:47:47,744 --> 00:47:48,954
I look around,

913
00:47:49,037 --> 00:47:51,832
there's an older
French gentleman standing on the side,

914
00:47:51,915 --> 00:47:53,750
gray hair, rosy cheeks,

915
00:47:53,834 --> 00:47:55,460
short little guy with glasses.

916
00:47:55,544 --> 00:47:57,045
So I walked over to him.

917
00:47:57,129 --> 00:47:58,672
And he was wearing a red vest.

918
00:47:59,214 --> 00:48:01,842
And in French, it read <i>"Information,"</i>

919
00:48:02,509 --> 00:48:04,052
and then underneath in English

920
00:48:04,136 --> 00:48:05,345
said, "Information."

921
00:48:06,763 --> 00:48:08,056
I was like, "Phew!"

922
00:48:10,726 --> 00:48:13,145
"Ah. <i>Bonjour.</i> Hello. Hi."

923
00:48:13,228 --> 00:48:15,439
He's like, "Hello. <i>Bonjour."</i>

924
00:48:15,522 --> 00:48:17,482
I said, "English, French?"

925
00:48:17,566 --> 00:48:19,067
Said, "English, yeah, <i>oui."</i>

926
00:48:19,151 --> 00:48:21,236
I said, "Could you help me, please?"

927
00:48:21,320 --> 00:48:23,947
"Um... My, um...
My luggage didn't arrive."

928
00:48:24,031 --> 00:48:26,783
"Um, I would like to know,
what do I need to do?"

929
00:48:26,867 --> 00:48:29,703
He's like, "There's your luggage...
It didn't come..."

930
00:48:29,786 --> 00:48:32,164
[incoherent English in French accent]

931
00:48:53,685 --> 00:48:56,146
[in normal voice] I was like, "Okay." Um...

932
00:48:56,229 --> 00:48:57,147
"All right."

933
00:48:58,106 --> 00:48:59,358
"Let's try French."

934
00:49:01,693 --> 00:49:03,987
"Let's, uh, see what happens."

935
00:49:06,156 --> 00:49:08,116
Finally, we figured it out.

936
00:49:08,909 --> 00:49:12,496
He sent me off to a special area
where you go and make a report.

937
00:49:13,080 --> 00:49:16,375
There's another French guy
behind the counter, much younger.

938
00:49:16,458 --> 00:49:18,877
He was maybe Algerian
or Moroccan of descent.

939
00:49:18,961 --> 00:49:20,796
Very French, very French. Cool guy.

940
00:49:20,879 --> 00:49:22,005
He's helping somebody.

941
00:49:22,089 --> 00:49:24,049
"Okay, thank you very much. Next, please."

942
00:49:24,132 --> 00:49:25,258
I walk up, "Hey, man."

943
00:49:25,342 --> 00:49:27,344
He's like,
"What's going on, my brother?"

944
00:49:27,427 --> 00:49:29,262
"How are you? What's up with you?"

945
00:49:29,346 --> 00:49:31,306
I was like, "I need your help, please."

946
00:49:31,390 --> 00:49:35,268
"My luggage, um, it didn't come.
It's, uh, lost."

947
00:49:35,352 --> 00:49:38,355
He's like, "Oh, no, dude,
your luggage didn't come."

948
00:49:38,438 --> 00:49:39,773
"Oh, man."

949
00:49:39,856 --> 00:49:40,983
"Did you look for it?"

950
00:49:44,528 --> 00:49:47,072
I said, "What?
Yeah, that's the first thing I did."

951
00:49:47,155 --> 00:49:48,865
"You think I'm here for company?"

952
00:49:48,949 --> 00:49:50,117
"Of course, that's..."

953
00:49:50,200 --> 00:49:51,785
He's like, "No. Just checking."

954
00:49:51,868 --> 00:49:53,829
"So, the bag is gone? It's totally..."

955
00:49:53,912 --> 00:49:54,788
I'm like, "Yeah."

956
00:49:54,871 --> 00:49:58,333
He's like, "Oh, man, that sucks, man,
I'm so sorry for you, man."

957
00:49:58,417 --> 00:49:59,543
"That's terrible."

958
00:50:00,127 --> 00:50:02,087
"Yeah. So, what do you want to do now?"

959
00:50:04,756 --> 00:50:06,008
"What do I want to do?"

960
00:50:06,633 --> 00:50:10,804
I said, "I would like
you to do something."

961
00:50:10,887 --> 00:50:12,973
"Can we make a report or something?"

962
00:50:13,056 --> 00:50:15,642
"You want to make
some paperwork or something?"

963
00:50:15,726 --> 00:50:18,937
"It's for your for your insurance
so they can pay you for it?"

964
00:50:19,021 --> 00:50:22,315
I said, "No, it's so that
you can find it and bring it to me."

965
00:50:22,399 --> 00:50:24,443
He's like, "Oh, don't worry, man."

966
00:50:24,526 --> 00:50:26,028
"We are not going to find it."

967
00:50:26,111 --> 00:50:26,987
"No, man."

968
00:50:27,738 --> 00:50:29,072
"Don't worry about that."

969
00:50:29,156 --> 00:50:30,866
"No. You know, it's Paris, man."

970
00:50:30,949 --> 00:50:33,535
"When the bags are gone,
they're probably gone."

971
00:50:33,618 --> 00:50:36,371
"They don't ever pop up.
Sometimes, if you're lucky."

972
00:50:36,455 --> 00:50:38,957
"But if it is not here by now,
it's probably gone."

973
00:50:39,041 --> 00:50:41,293
"It's Friday.
There are some strikes. Just..."

974
00:50:41,376 --> 00:50:44,296
"You can leave. Don't stress yourself.
You can go."

975
00:50:45,255 --> 00:50:46,882
It's like, "Don't even stress..."

976
00:50:46,965 --> 00:50:48,258
"Yo, It's my luggage."

977
00:50:48,884 --> 00:50:50,135
"That's all my clothes."

978
00:50:50,218 --> 00:50:52,095
He's like, "But you are in Paris."

979
00:50:52,179 --> 00:50:54,473
"You need clothes? This is Paris, man."

980
00:50:54,556 --> 00:50:56,683
"Come on, Paris, go and buy some clothes."

981
00:50:56,767 --> 00:50:58,769
"What's wrong with you, man? Chill."

982
00:50:59,352 --> 00:51:00,687
He was so confident,

983
00:51:01,563 --> 00:51:03,482
he made me feel like I was wrong.

984
00:51:04,816 --> 00:51:05,984
Like, I doubted myself.

985
00:51:06,068 --> 00:51:08,737
I walked away and I was like,
"Am I wrong?"

986
00:51:09,654 --> 00:51:11,448
"Am I too attached to my luggage?"

987
00:51:14,993 --> 00:51:17,829
He wasn't lying.
Paris has a great selection of clothing.

988
00:51:17,913 --> 00:51:19,456
I had to go and buy clothes

989
00:51:19,539 --> 00:51:21,708
because I had nothing
for my shows, for anything.

990
00:51:21,792 --> 00:51:24,628
And if you ever do go to Paris,
take some extra money

991
00:51:24,711 --> 00:51:26,922
for the clothes shopping. It's amazing.

992
00:51:27,005 --> 00:51:29,049
And try and also pack

993
00:51:29,132 --> 00:51:30,926
an extra pair of self-esteem.

994
00:51:32,719 --> 00:51:35,263
Yeah, you'll need it
when you shop with the French.

995
00:51:35,972 --> 00:51:38,100
'Cause they're not your friends.

996
00:51:38,183 --> 00:51:39,726
Yeah. I've never been to a country

997
00:51:39,810 --> 00:51:42,437
where you are truly on your own
when you're shopping.

998
00:51:42,521 --> 00:51:45,732
You walk into a store,
nobody helps you. Nothing.

999
00:51:45,816 --> 00:51:48,443
You don't know who works there,
who's doing anything.

1000
00:51:48,527 --> 00:51:50,695
Literally, it's like <i>Undercover Employee.</i>

1001
00:51:51,488 --> 00:51:53,365
Just walking around. [chuckles]

1002
00:51:53,448 --> 00:51:55,325
It was 20 minutes, nobody helped me.

1003
00:51:55,408 --> 00:51:57,202
Finally I started picking my own clothes,

1004
00:51:57,285 --> 00:52:00,455
and I heard an annoyed voice behind me.
"Can I help you?"

1005
00:52:01,039 --> 00:52:03,750
I was like, "Hi. Yes.
I need to get clothes, please."

1006
00:52:03,834 --> 00:52:05,168
"My luggage was lost."

1007
00:52:05,252 --> 00:52:07,129
And then, Detroit, I got roasted

1008
00:52:08,547 --> 00:52:11,424
more than I've ever
been roasted in my life. Ever.

1009
00:52:12,008 --> 00:52:14,761
Ever. Everything I chose

1010
00:52:15,470 --> 00:52:16,930
came with a scathing review.

1011
00:52:18,598 --> 00:52:21,726
I was like, "Yeah,
could I please, um, get this in a medium?"

1012
00:52:21,810 --> 00:52:25,105
He was like, "Medium?
No, you mean large or extra-large, no?"

1013
00:52:26,690 --> 00:52:28,942
"Yeah, no,
this one is medium for your body?"

1014
00:52:29,025 --> 00:52:30,318
"I don't think so, no?"

1015
00:52:31,278 --> 00:52:32,779
I was like, "I'm sorry, what?"

1016
00:52:32,863 --> 00:52:35,991
He's like, "I think you're a large.
I can bring that one for you."

1017
00:52:36,074 --> 00:52:38,201
"Medium is too much for the shirt, okay?"

1018
00:52:39,452 --> 00:52:41,037
[chuckling] I'm like, "What?"

1019
00:52:41,121 --> 00:52:42,664
Yo, everything, everything.

1020
00:52:43,248 --> 00:52:45,041
There was a jacket I wanted to buy.

1021
00:52:45,125 --> 00:52:46,251
"Could I get this?"

1022
00:52:46,334 --> 00:52:49,212
He's like, "No, this one
for your skin tone is not great."

1023
00:52:49,296 --> 00:52:52,883
"No, You have to think about
what is complementary for the colors

1024
00:52:52,966 --> 00:52:54,176
inside the fabric

1025
00:52:54,259 --> 00:52:56,094
and also inside your face, okay?"

1026
00:52:56,678 --> 00:52:58,555
"This one is not the best."

1027
00:52:58,638 --> 00:53:01,641
I was like, "Yo,
I already own something like this."

1028
00:53:01,725 --> 00:53:03,727
He's like, "Ah, and you're wearing it?"

1029
00:53:06,771 --> 00:53:07,856
"Well, not anymore."

1030
00:53:09,316 --> 00:53:11,109
"No, you can wear it if you want."

1031
00:53:11,193 --> 00:53:12,694
<i>"C'est tranquille.</i> Go ahead."

1032
00:53:12,777 --> 00:53:14,571
"No, you threatened me now."

1033
00:53:17,616 --> 00:53:20,035
You know what? It's just different.

1034
00:53:20,744 --> 00:53:23,997
A friend said to me,
"Dude, the French are assholes, right?"

1035
00:53:24,080 --> 00:53:26,249
I was like,
"I don't think that they're assholes."

1036
00:53:26,333 --> 00:53:28,460
"I think they're just very honest."

1037
00:53:29,002 --> 00:53:29,836
All right?

1038
00:53:29,920 --> 00:53:32,339
It's hard to tell
the difference between the two.

1039
00:53:34,007 --> 00:53:38,637
'Cause one day
I was speaking to a French woman

1040
00:53:38,720 --> 00:53:41,723
and I worked up the courage to ask her,

1041
00:53:42,515 --> 00:53:43,725
I said, "Hey, um..."

1042
00:53:45,060 --> 00:53:47,020
"Why are the French...

1043
00:53:47,979 --> 00:53:49,105
like this?"

1044
00:53:51,483 --> 00:53:53,151
And she said, "What do you mean?"

1045
00:53:53,235 --> 00:53:54,569
I said, "When you're in a store,

1046
00:53:54,653 --> 00:53:55,779
they seem very mean."

1047
00:53:55,862 --> 00:53:59,282
"No, they're not being mean.
They're just being themselves, no?"

1048
00:53:59,366 --> 00:54:03,245
"Maybe because you are used to
coming in a country where people,

1049
00:54:03,328 --> 00:54:05,997
they are so afraid
that you're not going to tip them,

1050
00:54:06,081 --> 00:54:07,832
that they are all on top of you."

1051
00:54:07,916 --> 00:54:09,417
"'Can I help you? Can I help you?'"

1052
00:54:09,501 --> 00:54:12,754
"But in France, we make sure
that everybody is getting a good salary."

1053
00:54:12,837 --> 00:54:13,713
"A good wage."

1054
00:54:13,797 --> 00:54:16,299
"So we are not,
you know, so stressed about that."

1055
00:54:16,383 --> 00:54:18,802
"In America, it's like,
'The customer is king.'"

1056
00:54:18,885 --> 00:54:21,137
"But in France,
you know what we do to kings."

1057
00:54:21,221 --> 00:54:22,055
"So, you know..."

1058
00:54:23,306 --> 00:54:24,557
"It's not the same here."

1059
00:54:30,897 --> 00:54:32,565
The French don't play that game.

1060
00:54:34,234 --> 00:54:36,278
You've been
so much fun tonight, Detroit.

1061
00:54:36,361 --> 00:54:37,487
Thank you.

1062
00:54:37,570 --> 00:54:39,030
[audience cheering]

1063
00:54:41,449 --> 00:54:42,492
Thank you so much.

1064
00:54:44,160 --> 00:54:45,495
Proved me right.

1065
00:54:45,578 --> 00:54:47,789
This is why you go to Detroit.

1066
00:54:47,872 --> 00:54:49,916
For real. It's an amazing audience.

1067
00:54:52,085 --> 00:54:53,670
Beautiful, diverse.

1068
00:54:56,589 --> 00:54:58,091
And the city's been cool, too.

1069
00:54:58,174 --> 00:55:00,427
We've been seeing
a few things here and there.

1070
00:55:00,510 --> 00:55:02,804
I had a fight with my friend Dave.

1071
00:55:02,887 --> 00:55:04,889
He directs these specials

1072
00:55:05,557 --> 00:55:07,350
and he said to me one day,

1073
00:55:07,434 --> 00:55:09,602
"Yo, what are you doing during the day?"

1074
00:55:09,686 --> 00:55:11,730
And I was, "Might go eat, do something."

1075
00:55:11,813 --> 00:55:15,233
He's like, "Dude, why don't we go
check out all the museums in Detroit?"

1076
00:55:15,317 --> 00:55:16,985
I was like, "Maybe like one."

1077
00:55:18,570 --> 00:55:19,946
He said, "What do you mean, one?"

1078
00:55:20,030 --> 00:55:22,198
I was like, "Yeah, not all.
What do you mean, all?"

1079
00:55:22,282 --> 00:55:24,743
He's like, "Dude,
have you been here before?"

1080
00:55:24,826 --> 00:55:26,995
"You know how many
amazing museums they got?"

1081
00:55:27,078 --> 00:55:29,122
"Yes, but it's still a museum."

1082
00:55:29,205 --> 00:55:30,999
"I'll do like one, and that's it."

1083
00:55:32,709 --> 00:55:35,754
"I don't have that much stamina.
I can't do as many as you."

1084
00:55:35,837 --> 00:55:38,673
"What do you mean
you can't do as many as me?"

1085
00:55:38,757 --> 00:55:41,634
"Dude, because you're white,
like, you enjoy doing that."

1086
00:55:43,011 --> 00:55:45,263
And I was just joking.
I was just teasing him.

1087
00:55:45,347 --> 00:55:46,348
Just teasing him.

1088
00:55:46,431 --> 00:55:48,892
He got so offended so quickly, right?
[laughs]

1089
00:55:49,434 --> 00:55:51,311
He's like, "What did you say?"

1090
00:55:52,896 --> 00:55:53,897
"Because you're..."

1091
00:55:53,980 --> 00:55:56,566
He's like, "Dude,
white people don't love museums."

1092
00:55:56,649 --> 00:55:58,735
"What are you even talking about?"

1093
00:55:58,818 --> 00:56:03,615
"Like, museums aren't even in the top
five things white people love, okay?"

1094
00:56:04,949 --> 00:56:07,494
He said it with such confidence.

1095
00:56:08,411 --> 00:56:10,288
and with such conviction,

1096
00:56:10,372 --> 00:56:12,207
I was like, "What is the top five?"

1097
00:56:13,375 --> 00:56:16,211
'Cause what a strange...
"That's not even in the top five."

1098
00:56:16,294 --> 00:56:19,130
Like, in his bedroom,
he has a list on the wall

1099
00:56:19,214 --> 00:56:20,715
of the top ten things.

1100
00:56:20,799 --> 00:56:22,133
[laughing] It was amazing.

1101
00:56:23,426 --> 00:56:25,595
I thought about it.
I was like, "No, it is."

1102
00:56:25,678 --> 00:56:27,097
"I stick with my decision."

1103
00:56:27,180 --> 00:56:28,056
Museums would be.

1104
00:56:28,139 --> 00:56:29,808
'Cause, no, it's not even a bad thing.

1105
00:56:29,891 --> 00:56:31,226
White people love museums.

1106
00:56:32,018 --> 00:56:33,686
A lot of people enjoy museums,

1107
00:56:33,770 --> 00:56:37,565
but white people love museums.

1108
00:56:37,649 --> 00:56:38,858
Love museums.

1109
00:56:38,942 --> 00:56:40,693
There's not a single place on Earth

1110
00:56:40,777 --> 00:56:43,113
where white people have settled
and not built a museum.

1111
00:56:43,196 --> 00:56:45,740
It doesn't matter.
White people love museums.

1112
00:56:45,824 --> 00:56:47,742
You ever seen
white people in a museum?

1113
00:56:47,826 --> 00:56:50,703
Walking around smiling
with their hands behind their back?

1114
00:56:57,377 --> 00:56:58,920
"Yep, that was us."

1115
00:57:00,380 --> 00:57:01,714
"That was us, too."

1116
00:57:02,966 --> 00:57:04,467
"It's been a good run."

1117
00:57:06,052 --> 00:57:08,096
White people love museums.

1118
00:57:08,596 --> 00:57:11,599
I wouldn't put it at number one,
but it'd be in the top five.

1119
00:57:12,142 --> 00:57:13,101
I thought about it.

1120
00:57:13,184 --> 00:57:15,270
If there were
top five things white people love,

1121
00:57:15,353 --> 00:57:17,188
I'd put museums at number five.

1122
00:57:17,272 --> 00:57:20,358
At number four,
I'd put swimming. All right?

1123
00:57:20,442 --> 00:57:22,152
'Cause white people love swimming.

1124
00:57:22,235 --> 00:57:24,696
Nothing wrong with that.
Have you seen white people swim?

1125
00:57:24,779 --> 00:57:26,197
You look stunning.

1126
00:57:26,281 --> 00:57:27,574
Stunning.

1127
00:57:27,657 --> 00:57:30,076
When white people swim,
you do that thing with your hair.

1128
00:57:30,160 --> 00:57:31,494
You come out of the water, like...

1129
00:57:31,578 --> 00:57:33,329
[imitates whooshing]

1130
00:57:33,413 --> 00:57:35,331
Just go perfectly back like a duck.

1131
00:57:37,876 --> 00:57:39,252
I would love swimming, too.

1132
00:57:39,961 --> 00:57:41,546
White people love swimming.

1133
00:57:41,629 --> 00:57:44,007
White people love swimming so much,

1134
00:57:44,090 --> 00:57:46,342
that they made it
that you can win more medals

1135
00:57:46,426 --> 00:57:48,303
at the Olympics, swimming,

1136
00:57:48,386 --> 00:57:49,721
than any other discipline.

1137
00:57:51,222 --> 00:57:53,766
Yeah, that's how much
white people love swimming.

1138
00:57:54,267 --> 00:57:55,477
I realized this one day.

1139
00:57:55,560 --> 00:57:59,189
There was an argument going on about
who the greatest Olympian of all time is.

1140
00:57:59,272 --> 00:58:02,108
And the final two was Michael Phelps

1141
00:58:02,775 --> 00:58:03,943
and Usain Bolt.

1142
00:58:04,527 --> 00:58:06,154
And then one of the arguments was,

1143
00:58:06,237 --> 00:58:09,199
"Well, Michael Phelps is better
because he has more medals."

1144
00:58:09,282 --> 00:58:11,493
And I was like,
"Yeah, because he cheated."

1145
00:58:12,160 --> 00:58:13,828
"He won them swimming."

1146
00:58:14,913 --> 00:58:16,706
I'm not saying
Michael Phelps is not great.

1147
00:58:16,789 --> 00:58:19,209
I'm saying you can't count
the medals in the argument.

1148
00:58:19,292 --> 00:58:21,503
Because in swimming
it's the only discipline

1149
00:58:21,586 --> 00:58:23,713
where you win more medals
for doing the same thing

1150
00:58:23,796 --> 00:58:26,132
in a slightly less efficient manner.

1151
00:58:27,383 --> 00:58:28,468
It makes no sense.

1152
00:58:29,802 --> 00:58:32,722
Think about it. It's like,
"100-meter freestyle."

1153
00:58:32,805 --> 00:58:33,640
[imitates beep]

1154
00:58:33,723 --> 00:58:34,891
[panting]

1155
00:58:37,352 --> 00:58:38,394
Done. Gold medal.

1156
00:58:38,478 --> 00:58:39,979
Yeah. And now this.

1157
00:58:46,069 --> 00:58:47,195
Another medal. Yeah.

1158
00:58:47,278 --> 00:58:48,196
And this one?

1159
00:58:54,327 --> 00:58:56,496
Another medal. But what about this one?

1160
00:59:01,417 --> 00:59:02,252
Another medal.

1161
00:59:02,335 --> 00:59:04,921
That's some bullshit.
I don't care what anyone says.

1162
00:59:05,880 --> 00:59:07,924
You can't win more medals.

1163
00:59:10,843 --> 00:59:13,012
Usain Bolt doesn't have that luxury.

1164
00:59:13,846 --> 00:59:16,683
When Usain Bolt runs,
it's the 100-meter and it's done.

1165
00:59:16,766 --> 00:59:18,268
"On your marks, set..."

1166
00:59:18,351 --> 00:59:19,811
Run, run, run, run.

1167
00:59:19,894 --> 00:59:22,021
Get to the end, win, gold medal.

1168
00:59:22,105 --> 00:59:23,064
That's it.

1169
00:59:23,147 --> 00:59:24,482
He can't turn around like,

1170
00:59:24,566 --> 00:59:27,777
"Amazing race. And now
I'm going to do it butterfly style."

1171
00:59:35,451 --> 00:59:36,578
It's not a thing.

1172
00:59:38,413 --> 00:59:40,623
I mean, it should be, but it's not.

1173
00:59:44,919 --> 00:59:48,047
White people love swimming,
so they made up the rule. I get it.

1174
00:59:49,173 --> 00:59:51,009
It would have to be, yeah.

1175
00:59:51,092 --> 00:59:54,012
Of my top five things,
I'd go museums at number five,

1176
00:59:54,095 --> 00:59:55,805
swimming at number four.

1177
00:59:55,888 --> 00:59:57,098
Number three,

1178
00:59:57,181 --> 00:59:58,391
being flabbergasted.

1179
01:00:00,393 --> 01:00:03,021
White people love
being flabbergasted. Come on.

1180
01:00:03,104 --> 01:00:05,189
You know exactly what I'm talking about.

1181
01:00:05,773 --> 01:00:08,651
Have you ever seen
when a white person's having a bad day,

1182
01:00:08,735 --> 01:00:09,944
something's gone wrong,

1183
01:00:10,028 --> 01:00:12,989
they do that thing with their face,
get flabbergasted like...

1184
01:00:23,583 --> 01:00:25,501
White people love being flabbergasted.

1185
01:00:26,419 --> 01:00:28,546
You'll see it
in supermarkets all the time.

1186
01:00:28,630 --> 01:00:30,757
There's like a long line. All right?

1187
01:00:31,299 --> 01:00:33,426
But only one cashier is open.
[chuckles]

1188
01:00:34,302 --> 01:00:35,511
Everyone's standing patiently.

1189
01:00:35,595 --> 01:00:38,348
There's always
one white person who pops out like...

1190
01:00:42,769 --> 01:00:45,104
"Why don't they open the other..."

1191
01:00:45,188 --> 01:00:46,439
"Are you serious?"

1192
01:00:46,522 --> 01:00:48,608
"What are they... Are you..."

1193
01:00:49,901 --> 01:00:51,778
The only thing white people love more

1194
01:00:51,861 --> 01:00:54,155
is finding another
white person to flabbergast with.

1195
01:00:54,238 --> 01:00:55,156
Have you seen that?

1196
01:00:57,283 --> 01:00:59,410
Yo, whenever that happens, magic.

1197
01:00:59,494 --> 01:01:01,162
It is absolute magic.

1198
01:01:01,245 --> 01:01:03,539
A white person will be flabbergasting.

1199
01:01:03,623 --> 01:01:05,708
They'll make eye contact
with another white person,

1200
01:01:05,792 --> 01:01:07,710
and then they'll flabbergast together.

1201
01:01:07,794 --> 01:01:11,214
It's like they Voltron their
flabbergasting into a super flabbergast.

1202
01:01:11,297 --> 01:01:13,758
You see them look over. "You see this?"

1203
01:01:13,841 --> 01:01:14,676
"I know."

1204
01:01:18,554 --> 01:01:22,558
[sighing]

1205
01:01:22,642 --> 01:01:24,727
That's one of the keys to flabbergasting.

1206
01:01:24,811 --> 01:01:26,688
You have to exhale. Let it all out.

1207
01:01:26,771 --> 01:01:29,065
Life is so hard
that the air has to leave your body.

1208
01:01:29,148 --> 01:01:30,733
You can no longer even breathe.

1209
01:01:30,817 --> 01:01:33,111
[sighing heavily]

1210
01:01:33,861 --> 01:01:36,447
That's why there's
so many tornadoes in the Midwest.

1211
01:01:36,531 --> 01:01:38,449
It's just white people flabbergasting...

1212
01:01:38,533 --> 01:01:40,952
[sighing vigorously]

1213
01:01:47,166 --> 01:01:49,544
White people love being flabbergasted.

1214
01:01:50,670 --> 01:01:52,672
Has to be. Has to be top five.

1215
01:01:52,755 --> 01:01:55,216
That would be my list.
Top five things white people love.

1216
01:01:55,299 --> 01:01:56,801
I've got museums at number five.

1217
01:01:56,884 --> 01:01:59,178
All right, swimming at number four.

1218
01:01:59,262 --> 01:02:01,347
Being flabbergasted, number three.

1219
01:02:01,431 --> 01:02:02,974
Number two, being white.

1220
01:02:04,559 --> 01:02:06,519
It's a sweet gig. I don't blame you.

1221
01:02:07,770 --> 01:02:09,272
And then there's number one.

1222
01:02:09,355 --> 01:02:12,817
And look, this is my personal list.
I'm not dictating anything.

1223
01:02:12,900 --> 01:02:15,278
If you don't agree, make your own, right?

1224
01:02:15,361 --> 01:02:17,071
It's a personal preference.

1225
01:02:17,155 --> 01:02:18,614
But there is one thing,

1226
01:02:19,282 --> 01:02:20,450
and one thing alone,

1227
01:02:21,325 --> 01:02:25,955
that white people love
more than anything on this planet.

1228
01:02:28,166 --> 01:02:29,584
"Sweet Caroline."

1229
01:02:37,675 --> 01:02:39,427
Let me tell you something, Detroit.

1230
01:02:39,510 --> 01:02:42,972
There is nothing that brings more joy

1231
01:02:44,140 --> 01:02:45,850
to the soul of a white person

1232
01:02:46,851 --> 01:02:48,978
than the sounds of that Neil Diamond song.

1233
01:02:51,689 --> 01:02:53,524
I don't care where it is.

1234
01:02:53,608 --> 01:02:55,777
I've been on every continent,

1235
01:02:55,860 --> 01:02:57,028
in many countries.

1236
01:02:57,111 --> 01:02:59,155
When that song plays,

1237
01:02:59,238 --> 01:03:02,200
you see white people's eyes light up...

1238
01:03:04,952 --> 01:03:07,455
like sleeper agents
who've just been activated.

1239
01:03:11,334 --> 01:03:13,211
It happens every time, without fail.

1240
01:03:13,294 --> 01:03:15,338
Every single time.

1241
01:03:16,214 --> 01:03:18,883
It's not about music,
other songs will be playing.

1242
01:03:18,966 --> 01:03:21,761
They'll be at a cookout
or a baseball game,

1243
01:03:21,844 --> 01:03:23,471
a company event.

1244
01:03:23,554 --> 01:03:26,557
All the other songs are in the background.
They pay them no heed.

1245
01:03:26,641 --> 01:03:28,893
But when that song kicks in,

1246
01:03:28,976 --> 01:03:31,437
it taps into the very DNA of whiteness.

1247
01:03:31,521 --> 01:03:32,980
I don't know what it is.

1248
01:03:34,023 --> 01:03:35,942
But it interrupts everything else.

1249
01:03:36,025 --> 01:03:38,069
You'll see white people hanging out.

1250
01:03:38,152 --> 01:03:39,403
They'll be like, "Yeah,

1251
01:03:39,487 --> 01:03:41,322
business, mergers and acquisitions."

1252
01:03:41,405 --> 01:03:42,740
"It's one of those things."

1253
01:03:42,824 --> 01:03:44,450
"I know, we should circle back."

1254
01:03:44,534 --> 01:03:46,994
"Let's put a pin in it." [blabbering]

1255
01:03:48,830 --> 01:03:50,665
And that song comes in,

1256
01:03:50,748 --> 01:03:52,291
and every single time...

1257
01:03:52,375 --> 01:03:54,877
You think it won't happen.
It always creeps in.

1258
01:03:54,961 --> 01:03:57,380
It always seems like it won't happen.

1259
01:03:57,463 --> 01:03:59,340
But it's always the same, just like...

1260
01:03:59,423 --> 01:04:04,846
<i>♪ Hands, touchin' hands ♪</i>

1261
01:04:05,596 --> 01:04:10,142
<i>♪ Reachin' out, touchin' me ♪</i>

1262
01:04:10,226 --> 01:04:13,896
<i>♪ Touchin' you
Pum, pum, pum ♪</i>

1263
01:04:13,980 --> 01:04:16,607
<i>♪ Sweet Caroline ♪</i>

1264
01:04:16,691 --> 01:04:18,484
[audience humming the tune]

1265
01:04:18,568 --> 01:04:20,444
See, I didn't tell you to join in.

1266
01:04:25,741 --> 01:04:27,618
I didn't say, "All together now."

1267
01:04:28,494 --> 01:04:29,996
Or, "On the count of three."

1268
01:04:30,079 --> 01:04:32,081
That was just your whiteness coming out.

1269
01:04:32,164 --> 01:04:33,249
Did you feel that?

1270
01:04:34,208 --> 01:04:35,042
Huh?

1271
01:04:35,126 --> 01:04:37,712
That was just you.
You were like, "This is it!"

1272
01:04:37,795 --> 01:04:39,630
"This is our moment!"

1273
01:04:39,714 --> 01:04:40,965
<i>♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪</i>

1274
01:04:41,048 --> 01:04:44,051
<i>♪ I'm white, white, white, white ♪</i>

1275
01:04:44,135 --> 01:04:45,469
<i>♪ White, white ♪</i>

1276
01:04:48,514 --> 01:04:51,642
Look at you right now.
You're beaming! Look at your face.

1277
01:04:51,726 --> 01:04:53,603
Look at you. Look at that joy.

1278
01:04:53,686 --> 01:04:56,022
Ten minutes ago,
"I don't know about this guy."

1279
01:04:56,105 --> 01:04:58,274
Now you're like, "Best comedian ever!"

1280
01:05:00,443 --> 01:05:01,944
Don't ever lose that joy.

1281
01:05:02,695 --> 01:05:03,988
None of you white people.

1282
01:05:04,071 --> 01:05:06,324
You hold on to it. It is a treasure.

1283
01:05:06,407 --> 01:05:08,826
It is the most
adorable thing in the world.

1284
01:05:09,869 --> 01:05:12,872
Nothing makes white people
happier than that song. Nothing.

1285
01:05:12,955 --> 01:05:15,708
That song is pure, uncut Caucasian joy.

1286
01:05:15,791 --> 01:05:17,418
That's what that song is.

1287
01:05:19,170 --> 01:05:20,880
White people cannot resist it.

1288
01:05:21,964 --> 01:05:23,716
Yeah, forget 23andMe.

1289
01:05:23,799 --> 01:05:26,385
If you want to know
how much white you have in you,

1290
01:05:26,469 --> 01:05:27,637
play that song.

1291
01:05:27,720 --> 01:05:29,889
The louder you respond,
the whiter you are.

1292
01:05:30,431 --> 01:05:31,849
I just saved you some money.

1293
01:05:33,351 --> 01:05:35,478
There's no white person I've seen...

1294
01:05:35,561 --> 01:05:38,272
It is the Marco to your Polo.
That's what that song is.

1295
01:05:39,148 --> 01:05:40,066
I'll tell you,

1296
01:05:40,149 --> 01:05:43,152
if there was ever, like,
a giant earthquake, God forbid,

1297
01:05:43,235 --> 01:05:45,404
and people were
trapped beneath the rubble,

1298
01:05:47,156 --> 01:05:49,325
I'd volunteer to find
all the white people.

1299
01:05:50,534 --> 01:05:52,745
I'll be like,
"You guys find everybody else."

1300
01:05:52,828 --> 01:05:54,288
"I got this. I got this!"

1301
01:05:56,123 --> 01:05:59,001
<i>♪ "Sweet Caroline" ♪</i>

1302
01:05:59,085 --> 01:06:00,503
"I found another one!"

1303
01:06:02,338 --> 01:06:03,297
"You okay, man?"

1304
01:06:03,381 --> 01:06:05,383
[coughs to the beat of "Sweet Caroline"]

1305
01:06:08,052 --> 01:06:09,804
Right now some of you are like,

1306
01:06:09,887 --> 01:06:13,224
"Trevor, we like that song,
but it's not the most important to us."

1307
01:06:13,307 --> 01:06:16,018
Yeah? Then how come
you didn't help me sing the anthem?

1308
01:06:17,853 --> 01:06:19,438
Detroit, you have been amazing.

1309
01:06:19,522 --> 01:06:20,690
Thank you so much.

1310
01:06:23,609 --> 01:06:25,861
I had such a great time with all of you.

1311
01:06:26,445 --> 01:06:27,738
I appreciate you.

1312
01:06:28,572 --> 01:06:29,865
Good night.

1313
01:06:33,160 --> 01:06:35,579
["Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond playing]

1314
01:06:47,508 --> 01:06:50,219
<i>♪ Where it began ♪</i>

1315
01:06:51,220 --> 01:06:53,973
<i>♪ I can't begin to know when ♪</i>

1316
01:06:54,974 --> 01:06:58,978
<i>♪ But then I know it's growing strong ♪</i>

1317
01:07:02,732 --> 01:07:04,442
<i>♪ Was in the spring... ♪</i>

1318
01:07:05,651 --> 01:07:06,652
[music stops]

1319
01:07:07,737 --> 01:07:10,906
- [sighs in relief]
- [man] How'd we do?

1320
01:07:10,990 --> 01:07:12,450
It works every time, Neil Diamond.

1321
01:07:12,533 --> 01:07:13,826
[chuckling] All right.

1322
01:07:13,909 --> 01:07:15,036
It works every time.

1323
01:07:15,119 --> 01:07:16,412
[chuckles]

1324
01:07:17,621 --> 01:07:22,209
<i>♪ Sweet Caroline
Pum, pum, pum ♪</i>

1325
01:07:22,293 --> 01:07:26,005
<i>♪ Good times never seemed so good ♪</i>

1326
01:07:28,591 --> 01:07:31,969
<i>♪ I've been inclined ♪</i>

1327
01:07:33,679 --> 01:07:37,183
<i>♪ To believe they never would ♪</i>

1328
01:07:37,266 --> 01:07:42,688
<i>♪ But now I look at the night ♪</i>

1329
01:07:45,066 --> 01:07:47,735
<i>♪ And it don't seem so lonely ♪</i>

1330
01:07:48,778 --> 01:07:52,782
<i>♪ We fill it up with only two ♪</i>

1331
01:07:56,327 --> 01:07:58,204
<i>♪ And when I hurt ♪</i>

1332
01:08:00,081 --> 01:08:03,250
<i>♪ Hurtin' runs off my shoulders... ♪</i>

1333
01:08:04,043 --> 01:08:05,252
Thank you so much.

1334
01:08:05,336 --> 01:08:07,296
That was fantastic. Thank you so much.

1335
01:08:10,466 --> 01:08:13,302
<i>♪ Sweet Caroline... ♪</i>