Downloaded from YTS.MX
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
please welcome Corey Rodrigues.
[APPLAUSE]
[GRUNTS]
Boston.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
I'm from Boston. Give it up for Boston!
- [ALL CHEER] - [LAUGHS]
Typical reaction. She just gave me the thumb down.
That's what it is all the time.
I used to live in New York for a while,
wear my Patriot shirts, and when I wear stuff like that,
people immediately, "Really? You're going to wear that?
"That's what you're gonna rock?"
"Yeah, that's what I'm gonna wear."
Everyone wants to fight.
Like they care, like they really care.
Like, I'm a sports guy, but I'm not like a, you know,
not like a "fight you over the team" type of dude.
"I'm a Yankees fan." Okay, cool.
- MAN: Whoo! - Yeah. No, I'm not.
I was making fun of people who are.
It's the lady who gave me the thumbs down.
That's what I'm saying.
[GRUMBLING] "Red Sox."
Every always has a story when they come to Boston.
"You guys are crazy." Aren't we?
"I was wearing a Yankees hat and someone hit my son
"in the head with a rock.
"Why would you do that?" I'm like, "It wasn't me!"
I got a little fatter recently. I gained some weight.
And nobody is denying that. Uh...
That's how you know it's a fact. [CHUCKLES]
I'm not fat-fat. I'm just fat for me.
You know what I mean? I know what I look like.
I'm not like, oh, my God. People are like,
"You look great." I'm like, "That's 'cause you're fatter than me."
You have to watch who gives you the compliment.
It's not always a good compliment.
I look good in a shirt. I look like a lot of you.
You look good in a shirt, you know what I mean?
Yeah, I know.
You ever see a guy take his shirt off?
You're like, "What happened?
"How are you fat and skinny at the same time?
"Ew, what is that?
"You got that little E.T. belly. Put your shirt back on.
[GAGS] "It's gross!"
Can't it wait? It's weird. Stop laughing, lady.
I'm moving on.
You know you gained weight when you leave your belt at home
and you're like, "I'll be fine."
'Cause that belt digs into your stomach.
Do you ever take your belt off at the end of the night,
you start scratching where your buckle was like,
"Oh, my God, I think there's poison in my buckle.
"I think I'm allergic to the metal.
"What is that?" [GROANS]
Start scratching that little area on your belly. [CHUCKLES]
Here's what you do when you start getting fat.
The first thing you do is you...
you just stop putting, You know, putting your shirt in.
You just leave your shirt out
like, "I'll never tuck this shirt in again."
And then you get to the bottom button.
You're like, "I don't need this bottom button."
And then you get to two buttons.
You're like, "I don't need these two buttons."
You can't get to three. It looks like you're wearing a cape.
You have to stop.
At some point, you have to give it up.
You're fat. [CHUCKLES]
And don't get all ass tight in here either.
Like, if you're happy and fat, I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking to the dudes that still walk by the mirror
and go... [INHALES] "...two weeks.
"I'll be right back where I need to be."
[CHUCKLES] 'Cause at a certain point, it's over.
It's going to take a lot longer than two weeks
to get rid of that belly.
If you want to make any guy feel vulnerable,
I don't care who he is.
I don't care how confident he is.
Just touch his back fat.
I don't care how cool the guy seems.
Go right here. Go like this. He'll go, "What the fuck?
"Don't touch me right there.
"Don't do that."
[CHUCKLES] It's the same reaction you get from a woman.
You ever touch a woman under that arm?
That little nana arm?
That little... [MIMICS SKIN FLAPPING]
That little fat.
If you squeeze that fat, she'll go, "Don't touch me!"
A guy will do the same thing. [CHUCKLES]
You know why? Because whenever you touch a guy,
he tries to make it hard. It doesn't matter what it is.
It could be your grandfather.
If you touch his shoulder, he'll go... [GRUNTS]
[CHUCKLES] You touch his bicep.
[GRUNTS]
You touch his calf. [GRUNTS]
A lot of you nasty. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, what kind of grandfather you got?
I'm not touching him on his dick.
That's what you wanted me to say.
You know what you can't make hard? Fat.
There's nothing you can do to tighten up fat.
There's one thing you could do, but nobody's gonna really do it.
'Cause I've tried it. You have to lean into it.
Like, if you lean into the fat, it gets real tight right there.
You go like... [GRUNTS] But no one's gonna do that.
They're gonna be like. "Hey, don't touch me right there.
"Watch it."
[CHUCKLES]
I was with my uncle recently,
and sometimes you're with a family member,
and you're like "Oh, you're the one who gave me
"a complex in my brain."
I was with my uncle.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just saw it develop.
I was hanging out with him, and he was like, "Yo, man,"
he said, "when you were four,"
he said, "Corey, when you were four,
"you used to be afraid of the dark,
"so I used to put you in a clothes hamper and sit on it."
He was like, "You were so strong,
"you would fight your way out."
[CHUCKLES]
He said, "I bet you're not afraid
"of the dark anymore, are you?"
And then he just was looking straight ahead,
and I thought he was going to be like, "I'm just playing."
But he didn't say, "I'm just playing."
He just left it, and I was like, "Yo, that's fucked up."
And he was like, "No, for real, are you afraid of the dark?"
And I was like, "No, I'm not afraid of the dark," but I am.
I'm afraid of the dark.
I'm a grown man, and when I take my trash out
at night, I still run back in the house, to this day.
When I take my trash out late, I talk shit the whole time.
[CHUCKLES] Walking by with the barrel like,
"I know you're back there. I hear you behind the tree.
"You better come out now. My dad's standing in the doorway
"with a gun. He's gonna shoot you."
I don't live with my dad. I have my own house.
But It seems like that's supposed
to scare people who want to hurt you.
I can just imagine all my neighbors
watching me on their Ring cameras.
Telling the other neighbors, "Look at him. He's crazy."
You know, in the Ring camera, your eyes are all lit up.
You see me out there like, "I hear you back there.
"I hear the leaves crackling." [CHUCKLES]
Nothing worse than seeing a dude running,
stabbing backwards for no reason.
Taking my trash out with a knife.
That's from watching too much Forensic Files
and all the other stuff.
That's when they get you. They're like,
"As soon as he went outside, we went in the house.
"Started moving around his mugs." [CHUCKLES]
"Who touched my cups?"
Dude's in the closet listening to you fight with your wife.
"I took your cups." [CHUCKLES]
I don't know.
I think you gotta stop messing with kids like that.
Seriously, people fuck with kids.
You lie to kids all the time.
Someone will say to their kids,
"You keep acting up, I'm not gonna take you to Disney."
Bullshit.
You already paid for the tickets.
Y'all are going. That kid could say anything to you.
You're going.
You're going away. You be lying to 'em.
And now it's different. Anybody in the room have kids under ten?
Yeah? Four of you?
Fucking grandparent crowd. What is this?
We'll get to you.
[CHUCKLES]
Nah, under ten, we raise kids differently.
I have a eight and a five-year-old.
Way different. Way different.
We care. I have two sons.
I kiss my sons, and I mean it.
You know what I mean, I kiss him.
I'm like, "I love you."
And I'm not like, "Be a fucking man." I don't hit him
and make him get away from me after.
I hug him and say nice things to him.
It wasn't like that for me growing up.
I grew up with my grandfather.
My grandfather, he's an old southern Black dude.
It wasn't like that. I remember one time I told him I love him.
I said, "I love you." He said, "Thank you."
I said, "No, I said I love you." He said, "That's nice."
That's nice?
I always had my grandmother to soften the blow.
She'd be like, "You know he loves you.
"You got a place to stay.
"You got food to eat." I'm like, "I'm four.
"I thought that just came with it."
[CHUCKLES]
I didn't know that's how it was going down.
It's way different. I explain stuff to my kids.
No one explained stuff to...
If I got yelled at for something that was a mistake,
I just had to eat that.
Nobody came back to me the next day like, "I'm sorry
"for yelling at you. I was upset."
Never. It's just like, take it.
You know we love you 'cause you got food and shelter.
They didn't help you with shit.
Making any extra meals.
I see my friends making their kids extra meals.
Yeah, right.
My grandmother would make liver, cabbage, rice, corn bread,
and I was like, "I don't want any liver."
Well, I was eating a lot of rice,
cabbage, and corn bread.
No one was like, "You want me to get a pizza?
"Do you want some chicken nuggets?
Never.
You had to just fucking take it.
Oh, way different. I apologize to my kids so much now.
I was on the on the phone, talking to, I don't know,
Bank of America maybe or whatever,
I'm trying to get through and I'm so mad
'cause I'm on there and I'm like...
"Operator. Associate." Right.
"Sir, in a few words, please explain..."
"Associate!" "In a few words, could you please explain
"the reason for your call?" "Associate! Associate!
"Associate! Associate! Associate!
"Operator! Help! Person! Help! Help! Help Person!
"Associate! Associate! Emergency! Associate!"
"Sir, in a few words, could you please explain...
"...we can better route your call."
"Associate! Associate! Associate! Associate!"
And my son came in the room and he stepped on my feet.
He acts like he can't see my feet ever.
He's standing all on 'em.
I'm like, "Get out off of me!"
He ran out the room. I felt bad.
I don't think anybody ever felt bad for me.
I fucking felt bad.
He left the room. I went later. I was apologizing to him.
I was like, "Hey, you okay?"
He said, "Why you keep saying associates?"
I was like, "Because I was...
"I was trying to get through on the phone.
"It had nothing to do with you. I love you. I love you a lot."
[CHUCKLES] "You okay? Is everything all right?"
[CHUCKLES]
I feel bad for grandparents, man.
Grandparents are the ones that have to go through it now.
Somebody drops their kids off to you,
they give you all kinds of shit.
"You're gonna take 'em. Don't give 'em any milk.
"Don't give 'em any cheese. Don't give 'em any onions.
"Don't let 'em look in the refrigerator
"with the door open for too long.
"Don't let 'em walk outside with no shoes.
"He has grass sensitivities.
"All kinds of allergies. No nuts, no nothing."
As soon as you leave, the grandparents are like,
"I'm not doing any of that shit."
Grandparent, they be like...
You say something to your grandparent.
You'll be like, "Why did you do that?
"Why did you give him..." You come back,
the kid's leaking from their eyes.
Green shit coming out their nose.
"What did you do that for?"
"Huh? I raised you and your brothers,
"and you're alive."
That's a grandparent's only qualification
for doing a good job.
It's that you're alive.
You're like, "Yeah, I'm alive, but I'm fucked up.
"Diabetes at six. That's not right."
"But you're here to talk about it."
[CHUCKLES]
I don't like that.
One of the... Whoever's parent was watching it, the other,
parent, you know, "Can you go back and talk to your mom
"and tell her to stop giving them cheese?"
"Okay, I'll say something."
So, go back to the mom. She'll be like, "Mom?" "Yeah?"
"Can you stop giving Kingston cheese?"
She'll be like, "Why?"
"'Cause he's leaking green and everything."
She'll be like, "Well, fine. You want to pay for childcare?"
It's all right if he has cheese 'cause...
me and my brothers had cheese and we're alive,
so it's not a big deal.
It's okay if we're leaking green from our eyes and our nose,
it doesn't matter.
Sometimes I don't feel like a real man, right?
I'm a real man. I got real man parts and shit,
but I don't feel like a real man.
I feel like I don't have enough... No, no.
[CHUCKLES] No, you have to say that now.
Don't act like, "Ha-ha," I'm not kidding.
You know what I mean? I got it.
But I feel like I don't have enough tools, ties,
and dress socks to be a real man.
I feel like any real man I know has a lot of tools,
a lot of ties, and a lot of dress socks.
Where do you get all those tools from?
Someone was like, "You get those tools for gifts."
I was like, "Ugh, if anyone ever bought me
"$200 worth of tools, I'd be like,
'Return them and get me four PlayStation games.'"
I don't need tools.
I have three tools. I have a Phillips screwdriver,
I have a flathead screwdriver,
and I use my girlfriend's pliers.
You know how emasculating it is when your lady's like,
"Did you put my pliers back?"
I was like. "I was going to use them again."
She's like, "Just put my stuff back."
I'm saying this one night, I'm in Boston and the weirdest thing
that's ever happened to me after a show happened.
This lady follows me to the car after the show.
She goes, "Excuse me, comedian.
"Excuse me, honey.
"You don't have a hammer? You don't have a hammer, honey?
And I said, "What?"
She said, "On stage, you didn't say you had a hammer.
"You don't have a hammer?"
And I didn't have the heart to tell her I own a home,
I have a hammer, but I just went with it.
I was like, "No, I don't have a hammer."
She goes, "Oh, my God, give me a second.
This lady runs to her car.
She comes back, she goes,
"I always keep two hammers in my car.
"Honey, you gotta have a hammer."
I took the hammers and threw them in my trunk.
And I started laughing 'cause I thought about this lady
going back to her car making a call like...
[MIMICS PHONE RINGING] "Hello? Babe? Yeah.
"I got rid of the hammer.
"Mm-hmm, yeah. I gave it to the Black guy handle-first.
"We're good to go."
Who takes a hammer
from somebody in a parking lot late at night.
You know how stupid you have to be?
Tonight when we're all finished, I got a wicker basket out back.
I'm collecting ice picks, so just drop them in the basket out back.
How stupid can you be?
I'm just not a handy guy. I'm not that dude.
People that always want to fix stuff.
"You should knock that wall down.
You can see from the kitchen right into the living room."
I'm good walking around the wall.
I'm not knocking it.
I'm knocking nothing down. It's not my... [CHUCKLES]
It's a lot of pressure with stuff in the wall.
Listen, you want to feel less manly,
you ever have a guy knock on a wall near you,
he knows where everything is.
He's like, "You hear the difference?
- "The studs are right here." - [THUDDING]
"You hear that?" [CHUCKLES]
If there's a lot of people around, I'm like, "Yeah, I hear it."
But I'm telling you, I never hear it.
It's just It sounds like somebody beating up a wall.
Who taught this man
where the studs were by knocking?
Here's a secret you might not know.
Eighty-five thumbtacks will hold your TV up for five minutes.
It'll fall soon after, but for a little bit,
you'll be like, "Look what I did right here.
"I hid the wires."
Sometimes as a man, you have to admit
if a man is more manly than you.
You ever have a guy stand in front of your car
and make the engine rev from the front.
What? [CHUCKLES]
To you, it's not a big deal.
To me, I'm like, "He's a wizard."
What's he touching? The head gasket?
The catalytic converter? What's he touching?
I don't even know if that's the right stuff.
I just know that's under the hood.
I know it's under there.
You ever see 'em? He's like... [MIMICS ENGINE REVVING]
"Don't touch the gas, boss. I got it."
[MIMICS ENGINE REVVING]
I want to know what's under his fingernails. Ugh.
Looks like he's been digging graves
with his bare hands and cutting portobello mushrooms all night.
What's under your nails?
He's like, "I work hard. That's what's under my nails."
I'm like, "You need to work harder cleaning your fingernails.
"Looks like you got a French manicure
"with black tips.
"Clean it up. That's gross."
My friend Mike is like that. Every time I go to his house,
he's like, "You want something to drink?"
I'm like, "Yeah." He's like, "You want some ice?"
I'm like, "Don't touch my ice."
"Can I have one drink at your house without crude oil in it?
"How come everything I drink over here
"has a rainbow film at the top? What is that?"
He's like, "That'll make you tough."
I'm like, "That'll make you dead! That's oil!
[CHUCKLES]
I don't know what it is. Older dudes, any dude over 55,
they know how to fix everything.
They'll just look at this room and be like, "Oh, yeah, the wiring starts over there."
They all say the same thing. How do you know how to do that?
"Common sense."
We don't have that anymore.
We have the Internet.
Common sense.
My grandfather never once got shocked
whenever he was working. He doesn't even read well.
He doesn't read well. He has a third-grade...
third-grade education he had, and he wasn't a great reader.
You know what I mean? He had three barbershops,
two homes, wasn't a great reader.
And he never... [GROANS]
Never touched anything and electrocuted himself.
I have a college degree.
If I can't use Wi-Fi, I can't fix shit.
Nothing.
If I can't get on YouTube, nothing will ever get done.
You ever watch a YouTube video, you're like,
"Ooh, that's too advanced for me right there."
You ever watch a YouTube video. they're like,
"Listen, before you do any electrical work in your home,
"everybody knows you need to go downstairs
"and turn off the main power source."
"Well, everybody doesn't know that.
"I need to watch another video that leads up to this video.
"I thought I could just use rubber-handled tools
"and get the job done.
"I didn't know I had to turn it off."
I feel judgment right now. I'm not stupid.
I don't need to watch stupid people videos.
I don't need to watch a video where they're like,
"Listen, before you do any electrical work in your home,
"you want to step out of the bucket of water."
I'm just saying, I don't speak fluent contractor.
That's all I'm saying.
[CHUCKLES]
Mental health is a big deal now. Way bigger than it used to be.
Didn't used to be as big of a deal.
It used to be like, everyone was like, "Oh."
I told you, my grandfather, he didn't care.
He would talk about family members.
He would be like, "Your cousin's missing a couple screws."
[CHUCKLES]
Missing some buttons. Screws loose.
His elevator doesn't go to the top floor.
There was all these ways he would describe him.
All I knew was to stay away from that cousin.
I wouldn't be in a room with that one by myself.
Now you get old, now people are sensitive.
Now people are like, "Oh, something might be wrong for real."
Now people care, but they overshare.
Ugh.
I got friends who self-diagnose.
I don't like it. I don't like it.
They just tell you too much. One of my boys was like,
"Yo, I got anxiety bad. I got the worst anxiety.
"Every day I wake up, I'm stressed out."
"I can't pay my bills.
I said, "You don't work!"
You're supposed to feel like that.
If you don't have money and you can't pay bills,
you're supposed to feel stressed.
You're not supposed to be like, whatever... [VOCALIZES]
There's people out here really going through shit.
There are people who are drowning for real,
and you are full of shit.
Another one of my boys, everybody uses OCD.
They abuse it. If they don't have it,
they'll be like, "I got OCD." I was like, "You do?"
I said, "What's wrong?" He said, "When I see shit
"laying on the floor, I gotta pick it up."
I was like, "That's not OCD.
"That's a ice cream sandwich wrapper
"laying on your living room floor.
"You're supposed to pick that up."
Somebody out here really has fucking OCD.
That's disrespectful.
I'm just saying, there really are people drowning out here.
And then there's other people out here
drowning themselves in three feet of water,
and they need to stand the fuck up.
Reach down in the water and pull somebody out
that actually needs help. That's all I'm saying.
People get their mental health advice
from TikTok. "TikTok helped me..." Crazy.
I'm not a old head like,
"TikTok is dumb." I'm not saying that.
I get stuck on TikTok too. I get stuck on all the apps too.
But your mental health advice,
you don't know who that person is.
They're telling you crazy shit.
Taking mental health advice from TikTok
is like getting surgery from Groupon.
It's dumb.
"Half-off heart surgeries next week."
You're so stupid.
I watched this one guy who was like,
"I get messed up in the morning. I get stressed out.
"So, every morning I wake up and I do a hundred affirmations.
"I take a cold shower and I meditate."
I was like, "A hundred affirmations?
"What time is he getting up?"
Of course, he's stressed. A hundred affirmations?
What the fuck is he saying?
He's in the mirror like, "I am good enough.
"I'm gonna have a great day.
"My boss is gonna like me today. I'm gonna get to work on time.
"The air pressure is my tires is gonna be accurate.
"I'm not gonna have to change the TP, am I, again?
"My co-workers are gonna bring in food that smells good.
"I am enough."
Shut the fuck up and go to work.
You'll feel a lot better.
Could you imagine working with this dude?
He's sitting out in the car. Everybody's in the office.
You see him in his mirror like,
"They're gonna love me when I get inside.
"My parents are gonna call me back.
"I'm gonna get along with myself."
Shut the fuck up and get in the job!
I'm not saying affirmations don't work.
But if you don't believe yourself
after ten, try something else.
A hundred is a lot.
That's a lot of thinking. You gotta write that shit down.
You can't just remember that. That's a list.
[SIGHS]
People just share.
I was at a bar a few weeks ago, and this girl was like,
"I'm fucked up." I was like, "I'm fucked up too."
She was like, "No, in the head. I was like, "Oh, shit."
I said, "Who are you here with?" She was like, "By myself.
"And I'm telling you what's going on in my head."
"So, you're getting a drink? 'Cause I don't know.
"You go ahead. You can go to the bar.
She said, "I'm trying to let you know I'm fucked up."
I said, "All right." I said, "I suck toes sometimes."
She was like, "What?" I was like,
"You're telling me what's in your head, I'm telling you what's in mine."
She's like, "That's a weird thing to share."
I said, "You can't say that, you gotta be open.
"How about we have a drink
"before I tell you I'd lick between your toes?
"How about we have a drink first?"
Yeah. It was nothing.
This is what some lady said one night, she goes,
"You suck toes." I was like, "You suck dicks.
"The fuck are you judging me?"
You know what comes out of dicks.
I never once was sucking a girl's big toe and she's like,
"Hold on and let me pee from underneath my toenail."
It's never happened.
There's all adults in here.
A lot of you have licked a butt or had your butt licked.
Don't get weird and act like you haven't.
If you haven't, do it, it feels good.
Someone gets their head in there, they're like... [LICKING]
Get it in your butt. It feels good.
I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to look in your eyes.
No, no, no. That was weird. Yeah, that was weird.
I looked right into his eyes.
He was like, "Yeah, in my butt. Yeah."
I was like, "Ah, looked at the wrong dude, my bad."
I'm supposed to lock with a lady on that one right there.
I'm sorry.
Whatever people aren't into, they act like you like
the grossest version of it.
They act like I'm crawling around the floor tonight like,
"Where's the toes?" [LICKING]
I have feet standards, okay?
If your toes need Tough Actin' Tinactin,
I'm not going to be licking them. Trust me.
You got Lamisil in your Christmas stocking the last couple years,
somebody's trying to tell you something,
Put them nasty-ass feet away. Ugh.
I don't like it. 'Cause when people aren't into it,
they think you're gross, they think I'm just waiting
at the end of the marathon like,
"You done running?" [LICKING, LAUGHING]
"I'm ready to lick your toes!" [LICKING]
My boys be messing with me all the time.
They always be talking shit.
[CHUCKLES] My friends, they're always messing with me.
Once your friends know your kink,
I come, I show up at the cookout,
they'll be like, "Oh, here he comes.
♪ He sucks toes, hey! Corey sucks toes
♪ In different area codes Area, area codes
♪ He likes toes, toes, toes
♪ Toe-oh-oh-oes... ♪
And my fucking boy...
- ♪ Toe-oh-oh-oes... - Shut up, man.
♪ Take off your shoes, shoes And give him your feet, feet
♪ He wants his hands on your toes
♪ And your toes on his nose ♪
I'm like, "Shut up!" [CHUCKLES]
When your people know your kink, you can't say anything.
One of my boys was making burgers one day.
He was on the grill making burgers.
He's sweating in the burgers.
Sweat. I see it going in the burgers.
I'm like, "Yo, you're sweating in the burgers."
He was like, "Yo, you suck toes, dawg!"
I was like, "Yo, that's different.
"I chose that. I didn't choose that head sweat from you."
There's a lot of love in this room.
I can feel it. No, there is.
There's a lot of love. There's not a lot of like though.
Look in your eyes.
You look at the person next to you, and you look at me.
You don't like me, but you love me.
[CHUCKLES] Presumptuous, huh?
Yeah, don't be making them fucking noises at me, buddy.
[CLICKS TEETH]
Give me a little wink and a little teeth click.
When you live with somebody that loves you
and doesn't like you, it's tough, man.
Everything you do bothers them.
When someone loves you and they don't like you,
they think you're always fucking with them.
You ever come home a little bit early
and your significant other goes... [SIGHS DEEPLY]
You go, "What?" She goes, "Nothing.
"I was thinking about something."
"What were you thinking about?" She's like, "You."
[CHUCKLES] "Fucking up my day."
That's what she's thinking about.
She was getting ready to lay down and take a nap.
Knit, whatever she likes to do.
And then you come in, "Here I am,"
and she's like... [GROANS] She has to deal with you.
People don't like that.
A lot of women don't mind humming, but your humming?
[EXHALES] It is very annoying.
She'll see you in the kitchen in there.
[HUMMING]
Making your little snack and your coffee.
She'll see you. No one wants to fight all the time,
so she's not gonna be like... [EXHALES] "Stop."
She'll wait for you to leave the kitchen,
and she'll just start making fun of you.
[HUMMING]
Breathing can fuck you up.
Breathing can break you completely up.
I hear it when it gets quiet in here.
There's a lot of janky breathing in this room right now.
I don't know what's going on in the lungs,
and throats in here, but it's tough.
You're sitting next to a woman. She hears you over there...
[BREATHING LOUDLY]
"Hey!" "What?"
"What's wrong with you?" "Nothing."
"If you're sleeping, go to bed." "I'm not sleeping!"
"So, you're awake?" "Yes, I'm awake."
"Well, who the hell snores when they're awake?"
"I don't know. I guess I do."
"All I hear is you over there..." [SNORES]
"Go to bed if you're tired!" "I'm not tired!"
My grandfather used to say he's resting his eyes.
That's sleep.
[CHUCKLES] People get complexes.
Your family's the only person to give you a complex.
They give you complexes about shit like that,
about your toes and stuff.
Your family, they'll fuck you up.
They'll say things to you that'll make you defensive
for the rest of your life.
They'll look at you like, "You got the fattest goddamn neck."
You're like, "All right, Dad. Damn it."
It's like...
Your aunt will just look at you, "With your bony ass elbows."
You're like, "Damn, my elbows are bony."
[CHUCKLES] "Knock-kneed baby."
You're like, "Goddamn, stop shitting on me."
Anybody you see that looks in that direction,
"I know I got long toes, I know, I know."
"Everyone says it. My brother says I got E.T. toes."
"I know."
Trying to pull them back into your shoes.
You're all defensive. Someone's looking at your ears.
"I know. I got giant ears. I know, I know."
[CHUCKLES]
What's something that someone said to you?
What's one of your complexes they gave you?
One of my complexes?
Yeah. What's one of them that they told you?
Somebody put it in you.
Not like, put it in you. No, no, no. [CHUCKLES]
Let's edit that in right at the right spot, guys.
I have a belly.
You have a belly? [CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLING] We got the same goddamn complex.
Look at the other dudes. [INHALES SHARPLY] "Not me."
How many people are in happy relationships in here?
- Clap. - [AUDIENCE MEMBERS CLAPPING]
[CHUCKLES] How many people are just in a relationship?
- [SPARSE CLAPPING] - [LAUGHS]
I don't know. All I was starting to say was,
when someone loves you and they don't like you,
it fucks up everything. My girl gets mad at me
for walking around the house, you know, just walking.
"Why are you walking so loud?" I'm like, "What do you mean?"
She's like, "Why do you have to stomp and drag your feet?"
I'm like, "I'm not moonwalking. I can't do both."
I gotta walk all the time like a little crab in the house.
Little toe heel, toe heel. Is this quiet enough for you?
She turns the TV up every time I get up.
"Stop walking so loud." You know? Mad if I laugh.
She was in the living room watching something funny,
and I came over and I started laughing.
I was like... [LAUGHS]
She said, "Why do you put your head back when you laugh?"
I was like, "What?" She was like,
"Does it make it funnier when you go..." [LAUGHS]
"Is it funnier?" I was like, "I don't know."
She said, "But why do you put your head back?"
I said, "'Cause that's what humans do.
"When people laugh, their necks get loose.
"That's what happens. No one laughs with a stiff neck.
"No one's like..." [LAUGHS]
That would be a weird look.
If I was around your friends and family
and my neck didn't move.
You stay with somebody long enough,
just some air coming out of your mouth can cause a fight.
I sat down on the couch. We were getting ready to sit down on the couch.
I sat down on the couch. All I was doing. I went...
[SIGHS]
She said, "What's wrong?" I said, "Nothing."
She said, "Why are you sighing like that?"
I said, "I'm not sighing."
She said, "Why'd you go, 'Huh'?" [SIGHS]
I said, "I went..." [EXHALES]
She said, "You went..." [SIGHS]
She said, "What's wrong?" I said, "Nothing's wrong."
She said, "Why you sound like that?" I said, "I'm breathing.
"I was just breathing."
She said, "It sounds like you're mad to me."
I said, "I'm not... I'm not mad."
She said, "Why are you acting like that?"
I said, "I just got mad just now. I got mad just now."
She said, "No, if you weren't mad,
"I couldn't have brought it out of you. You were already mad."
I said, "You set me up.
"I can't... I was happy when I came in here.
She said, "Well, who breathes like that?"
I said, "I don't know." She said, "Why are you breathing with a attitude?"
"What? How?"
[CHUCKLES]
I don't know why I breathe like that.
I don't know. I'm over 35. I make noises when I do shit.
I don't know what age it kicked in.
But when I bend over to tie my shoe...
[EXHALES] ...there's a noise that comes out.
I get in the car. [EXHALING] Noises come out.
I don't mean for them to come out.
I reach into my cabinets.
[EXHALES] Something's coming out.
It doesn't happen like that for little kids.
You never walk by a playground
and hear a bunch of little kids like... [EXHALING]
They're stealthy. [CHUCKLES]
At a certain point, we make noises, get off my back.
Trouble. You get in trouble.
You ever get in trouble? You put your arm on your lady
and she's like, "Ugh, why are you so hot?"
"Why? Because I'm alive. That's why I'm hot."
Do I look like I can control the temperature of my arms,
like I'm in the kitchen, like I'm gonna heat this up in the oven
and show her what a hot arm feels like during the movie.
Come back down, "You like that heat?
"That was on purpose. Just trying to burn your back."
Chewing can break you up. You know this?
Some people have misophonia.
That's different. They can't stand any...
[MUNCHING] As soon as you open your mouth...
[GROANS]
If you bite a apple around the wrong person,
"What the fuck are you..." [GROANS]
"You learn to eat at a barn? Go outside!"
I'm just saying, when people are chewing,
you gotta give 'em a couple chews.
If somebody's eating something hard,
some hard cereal or whatever they're eating,
you gotta give 'em a couple... [MUNCHES]
Give 'em a couple.
Nobody just puts some Cap'n Crunch
in their mouth and they're like [BITES] ..."That's it."
Nobody's a alligator around here.
Let somebody chew for a second.
People are so sensitive about people chewing.
Do you ever suck a potato chip
to keep your relationship together?
Put a chip in and suck the flavor off.
"I can't stand your chewing." "I'm sucking the chips!"
[CHUCKLES]
Fellas, think about this.
You know how you know your lady really loves you?
Because she asks you everywhere you're going...
inside the house.
You ever get up real quick, she goes,
"Where you going?" You go, "To turn off the lights."
"Where you going?" "To the bathroom."
"Where you going?" "To get something to eat."
"Oh, I thought you were leaving."
"Really? You thought I was leaving?
"It's 3:00 in the morning, I got on tighty whities,
"flip flops, and a V-neck T-shirt.
"It's raining outside.
"Did you hear any keys jingling? Did you see me get an umbrella?
"Well, then, shh, I promise I'll be right back to bed."
"Hurry up. I can't sleep unless you're in the room with me.
"Hurry up."
I see some of you are not responding to this right now.
That's because I'm talking about young love.
It's much different.
You get with somebody early on. Oh, it's so different.
"Get over here. Lay with me. Cuddle.
"Stay close. I can't sleep unless I feel your warmth.
"Stay close to me.
"Get over here. You're coming to bed. Get in here.
"Right now."
Stay with somebody for a while, "Get the fuck off of me! Move!
"Move over! You're crushing my arm.
"You know I got an MRI on that arm. It hurts!
"Get off of my shoulder!
"I put a pillow in the middle for a reason.
"You want to put your leg on something,
"put it on that pillow and get it off of me.
"You're crushing me! What's in your legs?
"Why are your legs so heavy?
"You're crushing me. What's in your legs?
"Bones. Bones are in my legs."
Do I look like I can control the weight of my legs?
You get in trouble for breathing at night,
you get woken up for just sleeping.
"Hey! Hey!" "What?"
"Stop blowing your hot breath on me."
"Huh? I was dreaming."
"What are you dreaming about, dragons?
"Turn the other way.
"All I feel is you..." [BREATHES HEAVILY]
"You're blowing your hot air, you're burning a hole
"in the back of my neck, making my hair hot."
"Making your hair hot?"
Why you mad at me for breathing?
[CHUCKLES]
I hear dudes all the time.
I hear a lot of guys that talk shit.
A lot of guys will talk shit,
"We don't hook up like we used to."
Ah, whatever, man.
You know why? Because you have a CPAP machine.
That's why.
No woman is going to give you a blow job when you're...
[WHEEZING]
The air is forcing in
and blowing out your nose and eyes and shit.
[WHEEZING]
She's blowing down there and you're blowing up top.
It doesn't work like that.
She's grossed out.
If you know you're gonna hook up,
take that shit off for the night.
It's worth passing out.
You know what I mean? Stop complaining about it.
Otherwise...
There's somebody's breaking in and she can't even wake you up.
You got the CPAP because of that Velcro.
You're all Velcroed up.
Someone's breaking in and they hear you waking up.
"Wake up, somebody's downstairs."
[BREATHING HEAVILY] "What?"
[MIMICS VELCRO RIPPING OFF]
Guy's downstairs stealing your shit,
"Ah, he's waking up. I hear the Velcro.
"Let's get the fuck out of here."
[CHUCKLES] And I know this is a superpower
that many women have.
A lot of guys don't have this,
this super power that women have.
What they can do is
when they get really hot at night,
for whatever reason, from you blowing your breath
on them, from menopause, from the many things
that make women hot, many of 'em do this thing
where they'll take their leg from the knee down
and they put it outside the covers.
It will cool off their whole body.
And as soon as they regulate their temperature,
they go [MIMICS WHIPPING] and put it back in.
Then they can go to sleep.
This lady was staying with me one night and she goes,
"That's so weird. How do you know that?
"It's a weird thing to notice."
I said, "'Cause I like feet, motherfucker. That's why."
[CHUCKLES]
I see exactly where they are.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, sometimes a woman will be like,
she'll be making fun of you. Well, maybe not you,
but you'll hear her making fun of another guy.
Like, "His balls stink." Did you ever hear this?
See? [CHUCKLES]
You ever hear? She'll be like, "His balls stink."
I'm not saying your balls, so relax.
I'm saying you hear her talking about other guys' balls.
"The balls stink."
And sometimes guys' balls do stink.
You should wash up. Any dude worth anything,
at a certain point in life,
you know you need to wash your fucking balls.
'Cause when you're younger, you're like, "I'm fine."
You just show up from the gym like, "You ready?"
And then you get older and you learn that's nasty.
So, you freshen up. Women freshen up all the time,
but guys don't. And then you get older and you freshen up.
You don't go over gross, right?
'Cause it's nasty. Because a lot of times
early on in life, women will just go through,
and she's with you, and you stink,
and she's down there like... [GAGS]
[GAGS] It's nasty for her. Right?
You're like, "What's wrong? Is it big?"
And she's like... [GAGS]
"It's gross!"
[CHUCKLES]
But then they'll also make fun of us
when we play with their breasts.
You ever hear a woman, she'll make fun of you.
She'll be like, "This guy just attacked my nipple.
"That's why I like women, because guys just..." [LICKING]
"A woman appreciates the whole breast.
"She goes underneath. She loves it.
"Why don't guys do that?"
You know why we don't go under there?
'Cause it stinks under there. That's why.
Yes. Wash your bras.
Yes, they stink. Wash 'em! [CHUCKLES]
Hanging your bra on the back of your bathroom door
is not an air freshener. Wash your bra.
Smells like baby powder and old dish sponges.
It stinks.
And guys just don't have the heart to be like,
"It just kind of stinks down there."
He's so happy to be on a tit.
He's like... [LICKING] "Whatever."
[LICKING] He's going to stay there.
You own 13 bras and you wear two. Wash 'em!
You're never fitting back into those other bras.
You've got a rotating two bras.
Somebody in this room right now is on her 11-day bra right now.
"I didn't sweat yesterday. I put it back on again.
[LAUGHS]
[GAGS] It's nasty.
Somebody might not even believe me right now.
Somebody's like, "That's not true." It's true.
You're gonna go home and you're gonna see that bra
hanging on the back of the bedroom door
or on her bathroom doorknob.
You're just gonna grab that and go... [INHALES]
Ah, Corey was right. This stinks!
A lot of women don't wash their bras all the time
because they fray and bras are expensive.
Right? So they try to wear 'em a bunch of times
'cause once they wash, they start messing up.
So, instead of getting flowers
and chocolates every year, get her some fucking bras.
[CHUCKLES] Women, am I lying? Am I lying?
That they're expensive. Thank you. Thank you.
Lady over here pretending that she always washes her bras.
Look at her. "I've never heard of a...
"Never heard of a stinky bra."
Bullshit.
[CHUCKLES]
Good. That's the thing I wanted to say.
You guys made me do it. You made me do it.
I want to leave things for my kids, man.
I want to leave three things for my kids.
I feel like now, when you have kids,
I feel like dads always had a saying
that they left their kids with.
You know what I mean? Not if your dad's alive or whatever.
I'm just saying, dads say stuff all the time.
I don't have sayings. If I die tonight, I don't...
My kids don't have any sayings from me.
All they have is the shit that I say.
"Give me back my phone." You know what I mean?
"Did you Google it?"
[CHUCKLES] "The math is different now."
I don't have any specific sayings.
My grandfather used to say to me,
"If you go to bed at night with business on your mind,
"you can wake up in the morning and do what you gotta do.
"You don't even need an alarm clock."
But I don't have any good shit like that.
My actual dad is very simple, he says different shit.
Like, "What goes up must come down.
"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood."
That's the shit my dad actually says.
I'm like, "Dad, what does that have to do
"with showing you a college application?"
He's like, "It's a beautiful day today."
I was like, "That doesn't help me fill it out."
What's something your dad used to say?
[MAN SPEAKING]
"You want something to cry, I'll give you something to cry about."
There you go. That is a lot of our dads, I feel like.
No, not any of your dads?
What kind of houses did you fucking grow up in?
What about you?
[MAN SPEAKING]
Oh, shit. I don't know what the fuck he's saying.
What are you saying, "Et tu, Brutes?"
What the fuck?
So, your dad was quoting Julius Caesar?
[CHUCKLING] The fuck?
Of all people to talk to right now.
This motherfucker, "Et tu, Brute?"
Veni, vidi, vici.
Quoting sides of cigarette packs and shit.
Veni, vidi...[LAUGHS]
Anybody else have any fucking Latin
that their dad used to say to 'em?
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, it's not Latin? What is it, Greek?
I don't fucking know.
- No, Julius Caesar. - It is Latin.
He was Latin. All right. If someone goes, "Latin?"
[MIMICKING LAUGHTER] I was like, "Yeah. Latin."
[EXHALES] I thought I was wrong too.
If there was like...
If there was like, "Latin for $500."
I'd be like, "Fuck! I'm not sure. I'm not sure."
[CHUCKLES]
All right, this was a lot of fun.
I'm fucking leaving. Et tu-- Et tu...
is a good way to leave. How do you say...
How do you say, "It's over," in Latin?
- MAN: Finito. - See?
This motherfucker does know.
All right. All right. Say it one more time.
"Fidito."
Are you putting a D in there or just an N?
N.
All right. I'm ending my fucking special like that.
Say it one more time.
Finito.
♪ He's got a turkey neck
♪ And a butterfly car
♪ A fake gold watch
♪ That cost him a dollar With a gold chain
♪ Tangled in his chest hair Standing on the corner
♪ And now the people stare
♪ Because it smells like... ♪