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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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♪ I've been having dreams
About falling in love ♪
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[audience cheering and whistling]
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♪ It feels so real ♪
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♪ But nobody is here when I wake up ♪
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♪ Do you know my name ♪
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♪ The devil's in the detail ♪
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♪ I'm a natural born killer ♪
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[audience continues cheering]
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♪ I'm a natural born ♪
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♪ Take this hopeless broken soul ♪
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♪ Of this remote control ♪
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♪ Plot twist ♪
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♪ A whole generation lost
With no promise ♪
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♪ Can you feel my love ♪
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♪ Do you know my pain ♪
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♪ It's in my head every night on replay ♪
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♪ A deadly game ♪
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♪ For a natural born killer ♪
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♪ I'm a natural born killer ♪
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♪ Natural born killer ♪
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♪ Okay, game face ♪
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♪ Go time, don't play ♪
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That was for you.
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That was my gift for you.
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Yeah.
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Gonna be honest,
gave you a little too much.
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[audience laughing]
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I never go that long.
That was little longer
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than I expected. I got a little excited.
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We're gonna bring it down.
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'Cause everything hurts.
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Everything hurts.
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Last week I woke up,
I asked my wife, "Hey."
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"Did I play rugby yesterday?"
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[audience laughing]
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She's like, "No,
you shook a can of paint for me."
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[audience laughing]
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She was right.
This is all I did. This was it.
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Because it was outside
of my every day body movements,
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I don't do this.
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I felt it the day after.
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I'm gonna feel this tomorrow
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'cause I just did this
for you guys right now.
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It wasn't even a big can.
I'm talking the little Häagen-Dazs size.
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[audience laughing]
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Body's falling apart.
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Falling apart. It's horrible.
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When to the doctor to get checked out.
He said, "Everything's really good.
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I do wanna let you know
that you are prediabetic."
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I was like, "Hmm, all right?"
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[scoffs] Who isn't, right?
I mean, come on.
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[audience laughing]
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Why would you even tell me that?
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Do I have diabetes? He goes, "No."
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[audience laughing]
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But I could get diabetes?
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He goes, "Yes."
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Okay.
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Do you have diabetes?
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[audience laughing]
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He goes, "No."
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I go, "But could you get diabetes?"
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[audience laughing]
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He said, "I guess so."
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I go, "Let me tell you something,
you're prediabetic."
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[audience laughing and clapping]
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No charge. That's on the house.
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Are you alive? Yeah.
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You're also pre-dead. Sorry about that.
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We're all gonna die.
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Pre... Prediabetes.
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If I have diabetes, tell me.
I'll change the way I eat.
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What's with the "pre"?
That's how this world operates. "Pre."
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Fear.
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You might.
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Almost, you don't know.
Scan. Check. Pre-scan.
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What? Huh? Yeah.
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Everything's fear.
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Did you hear about Julie?
No, what's the matter with Julie?
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She's borderline anemic.
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[audience laughing]
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Julie has anemia?
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No. She's borderline. She's close.
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[audience laughing]
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So Julie's anemic?
No, she's not anemic at all.
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Here's the line if you would have anemia,
you would be on this side of the line.
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And if you don't have anemia,
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you're on this side with everybody else.
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Julie is on this side with everybody else.
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She's just slightly ahead of us all,
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closer to the line
where she would have it if she did.
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But she doesn't.
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She's closer.
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She's like in the whoa,
you better watch out soon area,
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like maybe.
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[audience laughing]
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So, what do you want me to do?
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There's nothing you can do.
She doesn't have it.
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[audience laughing]
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Then why are you telling me?
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I just thought you might want
a little more anxiety
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added onto your plate with everything else
that's going on the world.
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[audience laughing]
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You know, just think about Julie, right?
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Prayers for Julie,
you know what I'm saying?
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I mean, how does she do it?
How does she wake up every day?
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To face another sunrise,
trudging through the day,
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knowing that she almost has something
that she doesn't even have.
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[audience laughing]
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She's so close
to almost having something that,
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even if she did, it would be that bad.
'Cause--
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She could clear it up with some red meat
and a little B12.
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[audience laughing]
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She, she almost has it, man.
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[audience clapping]
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She's there. She's in trenches with this.
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She has two kids. What does she tell them?
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How do they grow up knowing that
they have a mother that's gonna be fine?
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[audience laughing]
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Everything is fear.
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It's pre-fear.
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Fear. You don't know.
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Fear. We have nothing to be afraid of.
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We have nothing to be afraid of.
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We really don't.
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- We-- Yeah. Yes.
- [audience whoops]
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Nothing.
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We live in the safest times
in all of human history.
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We have nothing to fear.
We are so blessed.
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We are-- You know
who had something to be afraid of?
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Men fighting in the Revolutionary War.
How about them?
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Or the Civil War, right?
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That's fear.
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Right? Brother against brother.
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Across an open field.
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Chance of survival is minimal.
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And you're the guy carrying the flag.
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[audience laughing]
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That's fear.
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They're handing out muskets...
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[audience laughing]
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...and you get the flag.
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[audience laughing]
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Yeah, I'd like a musket, please.
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Uh, sorry, we're all out.
I can give you the flag.
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[audience laughing]
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What do I do with that?
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Well, you see those
line of guys over there,
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with muskets, across that field?
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You stand in front of them.
You get right in front of them.
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And you give it a little of this.
You just got...
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[audience laughing]
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You want me to raise our symbol,
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show the enemy exactly where to aim?
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That's what they did. They didn't care.
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They had courage back then.
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Out in front.
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Do it. Let's do it. Get it up there. Yes!
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Waving that flag.
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Be aggressive.
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B-E aggressive.
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B-E-A-G-R-G-I-G-F-E Aggressive!
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They didn't care.
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[soft popping sounds]
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[audience laughing]
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[soft popping sounds]
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[soft popping sound]
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Aggressive.
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[soft popping sound]
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[soft popping sounds, grunting]
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I'd be waving that thing so low profile...
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[audience laughing]
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They'd be like, "Get that flag up!
Let them know who we are!"
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[audience laughing]
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[audience cheering and clapping]
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I'd be like, "I don't want the flag.
Do you have a bayonet?"
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"No, I got a snare drum and drum sticks.
You want that?"
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That's even worse.
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[imitates drum roll]
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Fire that thing up!
Let them know we're coming!
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- [imitates drum roll]
- [audience laughing]
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Play that thing!
I'm playing it, I'm playing it.
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I'd take out the brushes
if I could, right?
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- [imitates brushing a drum]
- [audience laughing]
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We have nothing to be afraid of.
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We, we find things to be afraid of. We do.
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Food companies know we're afraid.
They know it.
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That's why they're trying
to make all their food sound healthy.
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They market it that way.
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Have a box of Cheerios.
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My Cheerios says "may lower cholesterol"
on the box.
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Cheerios may lower cholesterol.
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You know what I know about Cheerios
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when it says "may lower cholesterol"
on the box?
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I know that Cheerios
doesn't lower cholesterol.
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[audience laughing]
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'Cause if it did, it would say
"Cheerios lowers cholesterol",
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but it says "may."
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It says "may."
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So they, either, honestly,
they don't know,
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or they had the laziest scientists
in the history of the world
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working down at the Cheerio factory.
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Where they just come in every day,
"Hey, Wendell, how's it going?
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Just checking to see where we stand
with the whole cholesterol thing."
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Can we put that
Cheerios lowers cholesterol on the box?
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Yeah, I wouldn't. Yeah.
I would just stick with "may."
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[audience laughing]
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Just go with "may."
You haven't figured it out?
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No, we're trying to. We're plugging away,
but there's a lot of stuff going on.
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I got a phone call earlier.
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I gotta take my daughter to soccer.
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There's things getting involved here,
you know.
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Just go with "may."
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Put "may." "May lower cholesterol."
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They're not gonna know. Put "may."
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They'll think it lowers.
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You don't know. I don't even know.
So how are they gonna know?
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You don't know that it couldn't, right?
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Put that.
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Cheerios, you don't know
that it couldn't lower cholesterol.
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[audience laughing]
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Put "definitely should lower cholesterol,
Cheerios."
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[audience laughing]
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I don't trust anybody.
I don't trust the food companies.
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I don't trust my phone.
228
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I don't trust Siri. Do you trust Siri?
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Let me tell you, Siri is listening to you
every second of the day.
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[audience laughing]
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I can't stand that.
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You ever download an app?
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And it starts asking you questions,
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"Hey, do you mind if I share information
with your other apps?"
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Yes, I mind. How do you even know him?
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What the hell is going on?
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[audience laughing]
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They're all up to something, those apps.
You know it.
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That's their goal.
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They wanna stay on your phone
as long as possible.
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That's why it's so hard to delete an app.
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You ever tried to delete an app?
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You gotta do that hard press
on the phone, first of all.
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All the apps start shaking.
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[audience laughing and clapping]
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Oh, they know somebody's going.
They know this.
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[audience laughing]
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This is judgement day for one of them.
249
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Looking around,
seeing what each other did.
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You know, thinking about who's going.
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That's why they make
that little x so small.
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It's small in the corner.
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'Cause you can't get it
with your fat thumb
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and you hit anywhere else on the screen
and everything settles.
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And they're like... [exhales]
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And then you gotta fire it up again
and they're like, "Oh, my gosh.
257
00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:30,292
This guy is relentless."
258
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:32,919
They're thinking about what they did.
259
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:35,922
Oh, he's definitely getting rid of me.
It's not you, it's me.
260
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,717
I haven't learned Spanish in 30 days.
261
00:12:38,717 --> 00:12:40,427
[audience laughing]
262
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:41,887
This idiot couldn't learn Spanish
263
00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:44,431
if he was raised in Guatemala
for 30 years.
264
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,932
[audience laughing]
265
00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:49,519
It's why it's so hard dragging an app.
266
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:51,062
You ever tried to drag an app
from another page?
267
00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:52,314
It's like, nope.
268
00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:54,733
[audience laughing]
269
00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:55,692
Nope.
270
00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:57,360
I like page five.
271
00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:00,739
[audience laughing]
272
00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:05,619
I don't trust doctors.
Do you trust doctors?
273
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:07,746
- I don't trust doctors, no.
- [audience] No!
274
00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:10,332
They're killing people
who don't need to die.
275
00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:12,042
I read this one story.
276
00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:14,794
This one woman, she was comatose.
She was in the hospital.
277
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:17,923
And she came back to life
and started breathing again
278
00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:20,759
moments after her family pulled the plug.
279
00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:24,179
Is that a good story?
280
00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:25,680
[audience laughing]
281
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,265
Yeah, I mean, she's living.
282
00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:29,059
That's good. She's back to life.
283
00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:33,563
That'd make for some
pretty uncomfortable conversation
284
00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:34,856
in that hospital room.
285
00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:36,650
[audience laughing]
286
00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:39,277
Right after, when she came back.
Like, she, whoa!
287
00:13:40,278 --> 00:13:41,821
This is amazing!
288
00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:44,783
I can't believe you all were here
waiting for me.
289
00:13:44,783 --> 00:13:46,826
My family. I love you so much.
290
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,663
What have you guys been up to?
291
00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:54,167
[audience laughing]
292
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,794
Uh, nothing, Mom, nothing.
293
00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:58,213
You weren't, uh, looking so good, Mom.
294
00:13:58,213 --> 00:14:00,715
Frankie, unplug your iPhone,
you're at 85%, unplug it.
295
00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:02,968
[audience laughing]
296
00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:06,304
How're you feeling, Mom? How you feeling?
297
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:08,932
I feel wonderful.
My side hurts a little bit.
298
00:14:08,932 --> 00:14:11,768
Yeah, that's 'cause we've already
donated all your organs.
299
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:13,228
[audience laughing]
300
00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:15,021
They're coming at three for your eyes.
301
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:17,148
We should get a family photo
before they pluck the eyes.
302
00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:19,609
Let's get a family photo.
Mom, get in here.
303
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:22,696
Before we're looking at
two black, empty sockets. Let's go.
304
00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:25,156
[audience laughing]
305
00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:27,617
Only God pulls the plug on me.
306
00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:30,203
I tell my family all the time.
Absolutely, yes.
307
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:31,913
I don't care.
308
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:32,998
He created me.
309
00:14:32,998 --> 00:14:34,708
He can take me out whenever He wants.
310
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:37,252
Is it a matter of money? So what?
Have a garage sale.
311
00:14:37,252 --> 00:14:38,837
[audience laughing]
312
00:14:38,837 --> 00:14:41,047
So the kids don't go to college?
Who cares?
313
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:43,133
Let's be honest,
314
00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:44,551
they weren't going anyway.
315
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:46,469
[audience laughing]
316
00:14:46,469 --> 00:14:48,555
Keep the big man breathing.
Do whatever you gotta do.
317
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:50,307
I tell them all the time. I don't care.
318
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,935
At some point, there's gonna be that woman
that walks in the room.
319
00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:55,312
There's always... You know what?
320
00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:57,606
Kevin would not want to live this way.
321
00:14:57,606 --> 00:14:59,983
You falcon-punch that witch
right in the throat.
322
00:14:59,983 --> 00:15:01,860
- [audience laughing]
- You just grab her and...
323
00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:03,403
Stomp her, right there.
324
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,113
[audience cheering and clapping]
325
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:06,281
Double strike her.
326
00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:10,076
How about you don't wanna live.
Who's that lady killing people?
327
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:12,704
Just walking in,
"He would not wanna go on.
328
00:15:12,704 --> 00:15:14,456
He would not wanna do it.
329
00:15:14,456 --> 00:15:15,915
There's no quality of life."
330
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,167
Hi-ya!
331
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,753
[audience laughing]
332
00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:27,177
I had a close call too,
about five years ago.
333
00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:29,804
I was, uh, driving home from a show
334
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:33,016
and I hit a deer on the highway.
335
00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,017
It was pretty scary.
336
00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:36,311
It was a horrible experience,
wrecked my truck.
337
00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:39,397
I was on the side of the road,
pretty shaken up.
338
00:15:39,397 --> 00:15:40,857
Filling out the police report.
339
00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:43,568
She was asking me questions
and the officer was like,
340
00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:46,988
"What happened? The deer just, uh,
jumped out in front of you?"
341
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:48,865
I was like, "What?"
342
00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,700
[audience laughing]
343
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:53,036
She was like, "Did it just
jump out in front of you?"
344
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:57,874
[audience laughing]
345
00:15:57,874 --> 00:16:00,210
I was like, "No, no, it waved me over."
346
00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:02,754
- Um...
- [audience laughing]
347
00:16:02,754 --> 00:16:05,298
I was barreling down the road
about 90 miles and hour
348
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,384
and I was like, is that a deer
calling over with its hoof?
349
00:16:07,384 --> 00:16:09,344
- Sure enough, it was.
- [audience laughing]
350
00:16:09,344 --> 00:16:10,929
I pulled over to the side.
351
00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:12,097
I was like, "What's up?"
352
00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:14,683
He's like, "You're doing like 90."
And I'm like, "Okay, that's my business.
353
00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:15,850
What do you care?"
354
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:17,519
He's like, "I know you got kids at home."
355
00:16:17,519 --> 00:16:20,271
He knew my kids by name,
which freaked me out.
356
00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:21,940
I'm like, I'm not gonna
talk to this guy anymore.
357
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:22,941
I don't need this.
358
00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:23,942
I'm outta here.
359
00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:26,611
He's like, "Hold up. Hold up. I'm sorry."
360
00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:28,196
He said, "I'm sorry.
361
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:30,990
Let's started over. We'll hug it out."
And I'm like,
362
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,702
that's pretty cool,
a deer who's about forgiveness.
363
00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:35,286
[audience laughing]
364
00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:37,914
I said okay, and go to hug him
and he goes to hug me,
365
00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:39,874
and he goes, "What's that?"
and he points to my shirt.
366
00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:41,376
I go, "What's what?" I look down,
367
00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:43,044
and he did that move in my face...
368
00:16:43,044 --> 00:16:45,046
[audience laughing]
369
00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:46,423
He goes, "I know where you live."
370
00:16:46,423 --> 00:16:48,633
Then he ran into the woods.
I got back in my truck
371
00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:50,260
and I started chasing him.
372
00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:52,137
But I couldn't get through
the thick trees,
373
00:16:52,137 --> 00:16:54,055
so I got out and camped out overnight.
374
00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:55,807
- [audience laughing]
- And I waited.
375
00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:57,100
The next morning, I saw him.
376
00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:58,476
He was talking to a bunch of other deer.
377
00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:00,019
I army crawled over to him.
378
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:03,398
And I put blueberries on my face
all Rambo style.
379
00:17:03,398 --> 00:17:04,733
He didn't even see me.
380
00:17:04,733 --> 00:17:06,735
I jumped on top of him.
I sank my hooks in.
381
00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:09,779
I slit his throat and he bled out
right there on the spot.
382
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,282
Then I dragged him, like a mile.
383
00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:14,993
[audience laughing]
384
00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:19,414
Mile and a half, back to the highway
and I threw him on the hood of my truck.
385
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:21,624
[audience laughing]
386
00:17:24,294 --> 00:17:27,130
[audience cheering and clapping]
387
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:35,930
And that's when you showed up.
388
00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:38,975
[audience laughing]
389
00:17:38,975 --> 00:17:41,978
So, no, he did not just jump out
in front of me.
390
00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:44,773
This was premeditated deer murder.
391
00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:46,399
[audience laughing]
392
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,276
Can't talk about my kids.
393
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:51,571
I have four kids.
394
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,364
Any parents? Lot of parents out there?
395
00:17:53,364 --> 00:17:54,949
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
396
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:56,951
Yeah.
397
00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:02,290
Trying to be a good dad, it's, uh,
it's tough, man. It's really hard.
398
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:05,251
These, these times,
it's difficult, you know.
399
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:08,713
I'm really having a tough time
trying to motivate my kids.
400
00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:11,800
And, I don't know, like,
I don't know, is it me
401
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,427
or is it, like, all parents? I don't know.
402
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:17,263
Are your kids lethargic?
403
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:19,474
[audience laughing]
404
00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:23,561
'Cause I got a slug farm at my house.
405
00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:24,854
- I really--
- [audience laughing]
406
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,565
My kids don't even get dressed anymore.
407
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:30,068
They just get up from bed
with the blanket.
408
00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:31,820
They have a blanket on them.
409
00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:34,322
They light up their iPad,
it illuminates their face,
410
00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:36,282
and they just shuffle, shuffle.
411
00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:39,869
Like some weird sand creature
in a Star Wars movie.
412
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:44,082
Past each other and past me.
No one talks anymore.
413
00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:47,001
[audience laughing]
414
00:18:47,001 --> 00:18:49,170
My son's the worst,
always on the video games.
415
00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:53,967
I was like, "Hey, we can't do this, man.
Let's get some activity, you know."
416
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:56,970
I went up to him and said, "Hey. Buddy.
417
00:18:56,970 --> 00:19:00,890
Listen, let's, let's grab a football
and, uh, call all your friends.
418
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:04,060
We'll get on our bikes
and we'll ride over to the field.
419
00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:08,773
Grab some cones, we'll set up outlines
and touchdowns and all the stuff.
420
00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:10,942
We'll, we'll have a great, great game.
421
00:19:10,942 --> 00:19:12,861
Awesome game. Maybe two.
422
00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:15,446
We'll wait there till the lights come on
in the parking lot.
423
00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:18,783
We'll play a night game as well.
We'll just have a blast.
424
00:19:18,783 --> 00:19:22,161
And he just looked over to me
and said, "I'm good."
425
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,581
[audience laughing]
426
00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:28,918
That was it.
427
00:19:29,794 --> 00:19:32,005
My wife goes, "Just take the video games
away from him."
428
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:33,339
That's a great idea. And I did.
429
00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:35,300
We took our video games away
from all our kids.
430
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:36,718
All the video games were done.
431
00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:38,678
Take them away from your kids. Yes.
432
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:42,348
- Yeah, we did it.
- [audience cheering and clapping]
433
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:43,975
You gotta do it. We have to do it.
434
00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:46,936
It helped. It was awesome right away.
435
00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:51,107
First of all, the girls, my daughters,
their life got so much better immediately.
436
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:54,527
They were seeing friends and reading.
They didn't even care.
437
00:19:55,278 --> 00:19:57,530
My son had a tough time. He did.
438
00:19:57,530 --> 00:20:00,283
Yeah, he was having--
Especially, couple days in,
439
00:20:00,283 --> 00:20:03,661
he started getting all shifty-eyed
and stuff, looking at me just...
440
00:20:03,661 --> 00:20:06,372
[audience laughing]
441
00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:09,751
Little shaky leg. He was like an addict.
He was really just kinda like...
442
00:20:09,751 --> 00:20:12,086
[audience laughing]
443
00:20:15,006 --> 00:20:17,675
I could tell he was having a tough time.
He was...
444
00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:20,094
[audience laughing]
445
00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:28,811
[clears throat]
446
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:32,857
Yo. Dad, yo, can I talk to you?
Can I talk to your for a second?
447
00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:34,567
- [audience laughing]
- Yo.
448
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:37,904
C-Come over here, Brody.
Let me talk to you for a second.
449
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:40,073
Get away from Mom for just a second.
450
00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,283
[audience laughing]
451
00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:44,827
You gotta give me something
to take the edge off.
452
00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:46,496
Give me a little something,
a little brain tickler.
453
00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:49,290
Give me a little brain tickler.
You got some Mario?
454
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:52,168
[audience laughing]
455
00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:54,879
I was like, "No. No games, that's it."
456
00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:56,965
Okay, God bless you, sir.
You have a good day.
457
00:20:56,965 --> 00:20:58,633
[audience laughing]
458
00:20:58,633 --> 00:21:01,177
You have a great day.
God bless you, sir. I love you.
459
00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:04,472
God bless you. God loves you.
You have a good day.
460
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,767
Next day he came by, same thing.
461
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:10,853
He's a little manipulative too.
You gotta watch out for him.
462
00:21:10,853 --> 00:21:14,399
I don't know what he was trying to do.
He was like, "Hey, how about this, Dad?"
463
00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:15,358
[clears throat]
464
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:20,029
What if I got, like, a-- an Oculus?
465
00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:24,450
I didn't know what an Oculus is.
Do you know? I didn't even know.
466
00:21:24,450 --> 00:21:27,078
I had no idea. It's the virtual reality,
if you don't know.
467
00:21:27,078 --> 00:21:30,164
The goggles.
You put these big goggles on your face.
468
00:21:30,164 --> 00:21:32,125
And you're in virtual reality.
469
00:21:32,125 --> 00:21:33,960
I was like, "Is it games?"
He goes, "Yeah."
470
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,921
I'm like, "No, you can't have it.
That's it, no games."
471
00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:39,841
He goes, "But you don't understand.
These are active games."
472
00:21:39,841 --> 00:21:43,177
I go, "What do you mean?"
He goes, "Oh, it's unbelievable.
473
00:21:43,177 --> 00:21:46,305
They have a boxing game
where you can fight like Rocky
474
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:49,308
or like, you know,
Apollo Creed or Mohammad Ali.
475
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:52,228
It's, like, 12 rounds.
And you have, like, hand weights.
476
00:21:52,228 --> 00:21:54,814
You're boxing the whole time.
You're sweating like crazy.
477
00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:56,107
It's amazing."
478
00:21:56,107 --> 00:21:59,485
He goes, "There's a dance cardio game
where you're, like, going crazy.
479
00:22:00,778 --> 00:22:02,697
Your heart rate goes through the roof.
480
00:22:02,697 --> 00:22:04,532
They also have a warrior game.
481
00:22:04,532 --> 00:22:06,743
There's a warrior game, Dad,
you wouldn't believe it.
482
00:22:06,743 --> 00:22:09,370
You're going through this village
just wielding a sword.
483
00:22:09,370 --> 00:22:12,623
It's like a crazy shoulder delt workout
the whole time.
484
00:22:12,623 --> 00:22:13,583
Everybody's doing it.
485
00:22:13,583 --> 00:22:15,752
All my friends,
everybody is just working out like crazy.
486
00:22:15,752 --> 00:22:17,086
And here's the best part,
487
00:22:17,086 --> 00:22:20,006
even if it's raining outside or snowing,
doesn't matter.
488
00:22:20,006 --> 00:22:22,300
'Cause you get your workout in.
It's awesome."
489
00:22:23,009 --> 00:22:26,095
[audience softly laughing]
490
00:22:26,095 --> 00:22:28,931
I was like, "I don't know. I don't know."
491
00:22:28,931 --> 00:22:32,477
I started thinking about it.
I'd rather you be outside doing stuff,
492
00:22:32,477 --> 00:22:35,354
but maybe this is a step
in the right direction.
493
00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:37,607
So I said, "All right,
let's get the Oculus."
494
00:22:37,607 --> 00:22:39,734
And I got him the Oculus.
495
00:22:39,734 --> 00:22:41,444
- [audience whooping]
- Yeah.
496
00:22:42,737 --> 00:22:44,781
Wanna tell you how it went down.
497
00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:47,241
[audience laughing]
498
00:22:47,241 --> 00:22:49,077
First day, he gets the Oculus.
499
00:22:49,077 --> 00:22:52,413
I wake up,
I go downstairs into the kitchen.
500
00:22:52,413 --> 00:22:55,374
He's already got it on.
He's just standing there in the kitchen.
501
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,960
Big, fat goggles on his face, just...
502
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:00,129
[audience laughing]
503
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,803
Zero movement. Just standing there.
504
00:23:07,470 --> 00:23:09,430
I'm watching him.
He doesn't know I'm there.
505
00:23:09,430 --> 00:23:11,724
I walk in. I'm like, "What is this?"
506
00:23:11,724 --> 00:23:14,811
This is the Oculus? This is it?
And he's just there.
507
00:23:16,479 --> 00:23:18,231
I watch and I'm getting a little upset,
508
00:23:18,231 --> 00:23:20,691
but then he starts to move
and I go, "Here we go."
509
00:23:21,651 --> 00:23:23,486
He backs up a little bit.
I'm like, "Whoa."
510
00:23:23,486 --> 00:23:25,530
He doesn't even know I'm there.
511
00:23:25,530 --> 00:23:28,533
He reaches under.
He feels under the kitchen counter.
512
00:23:28,533 --> 00:23:30,243
And he gets a stool.
513
00:23:30,243 --> 00:23:32,286
[audience laughing]
514
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:35,665
And he sits down.
515
00:23:39,335 --> 00:23:41,796
[audience laughing]
516
00:23:43,339 --> 00:23:45,424
Now I'm really getting upset. 'Cause...
517
00:23:46,217 --> 00:23:48,427
he doesn't look
like he's fighting Apollo Creed.
518
00:23:48,427 --> 00:23:49,762
[audience laughing]
519
00:23:49,762 --> 00:23:51,764
I wanna give him the benefit of the doubt.
520
00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:53,182
I don't know this virtual reality.
521
00:23:53,182 --> 00:23:55,143
I don't know how far it goes back.
522
00:23:55,143 --> 00:23:57,937
Maybe his trainer's stuck in traffic
or something.
523
00:23:57,937 --> 00:23:59,605
[audience laughing]
524
00:24:02,024 --> 00:24:03,442
But he's just sitting there now.
525
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:05,444
Just sitting there,
for another two minutes.
526
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:06,696
I'm getting upset.
527
00:24:06,696 --> 00:24:08,489
I'm about to take them off
and he steps up.
528
00:24:08,489 --> 00:24:09,699
I go, "Oh, here we go."
529
00:24:09,699 --> 00:24:11,659
He takes one step and levels up.
530
00:24:11,659 --> 00:24:14,871
He's just standing there.
I'm like, "Oh. Here we go."
531
00:24:14,871 --> 00:24:17,206
He goes like this. I'm like, "All right."
532
00:24:17,206 --> 00:24:18,749
Then he goes like this.
533
00:24:19,792 --> 00:24:21,294
Then he goes like this.
534
00:24:22,461 --> 00:24:24,714
I go, "Here we go."
Then he goes like this.
535
00:24:24,714 --> 00:24:25,923
Then he goes like this.
536
00:24:25,923 --> 00:24:28,509
I'm like, "Yes, he's warming up.
Look at this."
537
00:24:29,886 --> 00:24:32,930
Then he goes like this.
538
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,101
Then he goes like this.
539
00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:39,353
[audience laughing]
540
00:24:46,569 --> 00:24:49,113
And then he goes back to his perch.
He just goes back.
541
00:24:49,113 --> 00:24:51,449
[audience laughing]
542
00:24:52,992 --> 00:24:54,869
I'm furious. I'm furious.
543
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:56,913
But then he goes like this.
544
00:24:56,913 --> 00:24:59,749
He leans like this
and then he goes like this.
545
00:25:00,249 --> 00:25:03,085
Then he goes like this.
He starts going like this.
546
00:25:03,085 --> 00:25:05,546
[audience laughing]
547
00:25:07,465 --> 00:25:10,134
I've no idea what-- No idea. Just this.
548
00:25:11,719 --> 00:25:12,595
I've had enough.
549
00:25:12,595 --> 00:25:15,556
I rip the goggles off his head.
He's like, "Oh, no!"
550
00:25:15,556 --> 00:25:17,141
Which I'm told you're not supposed to do.
551
00:25:17,141 --> 00:25:19,685
It's like waking a sleepwalker,
you're not supposed to do that.
552
00:25:19,685 --> 00:25:21,812
I put them on.
I wanted to see what he was doing.
553
00:25:21,812 --> 00:25:23,606
You know what? He was playing a game.
554
00:25:23,606 --> 00:25:25,066
You know what game it was?
555
00:25:25,066 --> 00:25:26,484
Job Simulator.
556
00:25:26,484 --> 00:25:29,320
[audience laughing]
557
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:33,074
He was working part time
at a convenience store.
558
00:25:33,074 --> 00:25:35,952
[audience cheering and clapping]
559
00:25:42,792 --> 00:25:45,544
He was waiting for customers
to come in his store.
560
00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:47,171
He was just sitting there.
561
00:25:47,171 --> 00:25:49,048
[audience laughing]
562
00:25:50,883 --> 00:25:52,218
He wasn't active at all.
563
00:25:52,218 --> 00:25:54,637
He wasn't sweeping up
in between customers.
564
00:25:55,429 --> 00:25:57,890
Stacking cases of beer in the back.
565
00:25:57,890 --> 00:25:59,016
He was sitting there.
566
00:25:59,016 --> 00:26:02,144
He was sitting there
and then, finally, a customer came in
567
00:26:02,144 --> 00:26:04,105
and he stepped up, leveled up,
568
00:26:04,105 --> 00:26:06,565
got him a pack of cigarettes or something.
569
00:26:07,316 --> 00:26:10,403
Rang him up,
I saw the cash register was right there.
570
00:26:11,195 --> 00:26:13,656
Gave him the change. Nodded.
He's a polite kid.
571
00:26:13,656 --> 00:26:15,241
At least he's got that going for him.
572
00:26:16,158 --> 00:26:19,453
Then he goes back to his chair.
And I'm like,
573
00:26:19,453 --> 00:26:22,415
"What was this?
What was this and all that?"
574
00:26:22,415 --> 00:26:23,749
You know what it was?
575
00:26:23,749 --> 00:26:26,043
He was scratching off
his own lotto tickets.
576
00:26:26,043 --> 00:26:28,838
[audience laughing]
577
00:26:33,050 --> 00:26:35,720
He's not even a good fake employee.
578
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,763
[audience laughing]
579
00:26:40,558 --> 00:26:43,686
I just said, "You're punished.
That's what it is. That's what's up."
580
00:26:45,396 --> 00:26:47,148
I don't know
how to punish our kids anymore.
581
00:26:47,148 --> 00:26:49,066
I don't even know what we can do,
what we can't do.
582
00:26:49,066 --> 00:26:50,484
I don't even know what--
583
00:26:50,484 --> 00:26:52,862
I know our parents, our dads,
they knew how to punish.
584
00:26:52,862 --> 00:26:54,989
Back in the day, they knew how to punish.
585
00:26:54,989 --> 00:26:55,948
They did.
586
00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:58,242
They had it exactly correct. Every--
587
00:26:58,242 --> 00:27:00,995
The punishment
always fit the crime perfectly.
588
00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:03,289
Because they got the belt, that's why.
589
00:27:03,289 --> 00:27:04,332
- [audience laughing]
- Yes.
590
00:27:04,332 --> 00:27:05,791
You only had to get the belt once.
591
00:27:05,791 --> 00:27:07,126
You got the belt once,
592
00:27:07,126 --> 00:27:09,420
you never did
whatever you were doing ever again.
593
00:27:10,504 --> 00:27:12,006
Then your dad just had to
show you the belt.
594
00:27:12,006 --> 00:27:13,507
And that was enough. You remember that?
595
00:27:13,507 --> 00:27:14,842
Hey, what did you say?
596
00:27:14,842 --> 00:27:16,969
[audience laughing]
597
00:27:17,553 --> 00:27:19,055
Yeah, okay, I'm good.
598
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:22,099
- Yeah.
- [audience clapping]
599
00:27:22,099 --> 00:27:23,059
Yes.
600
00:27:24,435 --> 00:27:25,519
Belt worked.
601
00:27:26,145 --> 00:27:29,440
Remember how out of nowhere
that first time you got the belt was?
602
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:31,442
You were popping off at your mom,
603
00:27:31,442 --> 00:27:32,651
You go like, "Hey.
604
00:27:32,651 --> 00:27:35,446
Mom, I'm not having your meatloaf tonight.
It's horrible.
605
00:27:35,446 --> 00:27:37,531
I'm not having it. It's very dry.
606
00:27:37,531 --> 00:27:42,161
Who puts peas in meatloaf? I can't do it.
I can't. It's way too dry.
607
00:27:42,161 --> 00:27:44,038
Look up the recipe, Betty Crocker.
608
00:27:44,038 --> 00:27:45,581
Check it out, woman.
609
00:27:45,581 --> 00:27:48,334
Why is Dad getting undressed?
What's going on? What are you doing?
610
00:27:48,334 --> 00:27:49,627
[audience laughing]
611
00:27:49,627 --> 00:27:52,004
"No, add ketchup to it, I don't care.
612
00:27:52,004 --> 00:27:54,673
Some sauce, get it going.
It's just horrible.
613
00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:56,509
It's very dry. What's up, Dad?
614
00:27:56,509 --> 00:27:59,512
Are you a lion tamer? What is this?
What's this snap, snap?
615
00:27:59,512 --> 00:28:02,681
Snap, snap. I don't know--
Oh, my God! Oh, God!"
616
00:28:02,681 --> 00:28:05,351
[audience laughing]
617
00:28:08,729 --> 00:28:10,022
And it worked.
618
00:28:10,022 --> 00:28:13,859
The belt's worked since 25 BC.
It's worked throughout history.
619
00:28:15,194 --> 00:28:18,656
All the way up until, like, 1993
620
00:28:19,615 --> 00:28:23,035
when some frail d-bag
introduced the first time out.
621
00:28:23,035 --> 00:28:26,163
[audience cheering and clapping]
622
00:28:33,629 --> 00:28:36,090
And that's when we lost society,
right there.
623
00:28:37,341 --> 00:28:40,010
When everything burns
and civilization comes to an end,
624
00:28:40,010 --> 00:28:43,764
we can trace it all the way back
to that one guy. That's the guy.
625
00:28:44,265 --> 00:28:45,433
Time out.
626
00:28:45,933 --> 00:28:48,227
It changed the game. Time out?
627
00:28:49,061 --> 00:28:50,146
How can you do that?
628
00:28:50,146 --> 00:28:52,440
Can you imagine
trying to convince your dad
629
00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:54,859
to give you a time out back in the day?
630
00:28:54,859 --> 00:28:56,652
Hey, Dad, listen up.
631
00:28:56,652 --> 00:29:00,573
Very sorry about stealing your car
last night, taking it for a joy ride.
632
00:29:01,157 --> 00:29:04,285
Doing donuts in that parking lot
and wiping out that whole store front,
633
00:29:04,285 --> 00:29:05,619
but how's about this?
634
00:29:05,619 --> 00:29:07,329
[audience laughing]
635
00:29:07,329 --> 00:29:09,915
Instead of you whipping this ass
with that leather strap
636
00:29:09,915 --> 00:29:12,668
and that massive belt buckle
you got in New Orleans...
637
00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:14,753
[audience laughing]
638
00:29:14,753 --> 00:29:18,674
I'm thinking I'm gonna wander off
over into the corner for a little bit.
639
00:29:18,674 --> 00:29:20,718
[audience laughing]
640
00:29:23,387 --> 00:29:27,266
Maybe think about where I went wrong,
maybe not. I don't even know.
641
00:29:27,266 --> 00:29:28,642
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
642
00:29:28,642 --> 00:29:31,937
I might sing a song, I might hum one.
It doesn't matter.
643
00:29:31,937 --> 00:29:35,858
Important thing is, it's my time,
it's my time over in that corner.
644
00:29:35,858 --> 00:29:37,693
And when I feel good enough,
645
00:29:37,693 --> 00:29:41,489
and I feel like I'm ready
to inject myself back into society,
646
00:29:41,489 --> 00:29:43,073
I will come back here
647
00:29:43,073 --> 00:29:45,910
and I will tell you
and we'll see how that goes.
648
00:29:45,910 --> 00:29:48,704
How do you feel about that, cowboy?
How's that?
649
00:29:48,704 --> 00:29:51,624
[audience cheering and clapping]
650
00:29:53,292 --> 00:29:55,711
Why are you getting undressed again?
What's going on?
651
00:29:55,711 --> 00:29:58,255
[audience laughing]
652
00:29:58,255 --> 00:29:59,548
Time out.
653
00:30:00,508 --> 00:30:02,468
They don't even do time outs anymore.
654
00:30:02,468 --> 00:30:04,011
Now time outs are too cruel.
655
00:30:04,011 --> 00:30:05,888
They've become too cruel. Time outs.
656
00:30:05,888 --> 00:30:07,973
Oh, the ch-- No, you can't. What?
657
00:30:07,973 --> 00:30:10,434
You can't do a time out.
It's too cruel for the child.
658
00:30:10,434 --> 00:30:11,852
They're alone. They're isolated.
659
00:30:11,852 --> 00:30:15,147
They're in the corner of the room.
By themselves.
660
00:30:15,147 --> 00:30:16,941
There are other people. They're just--
661
00:30:16,941 --> 00:30:21,779
No, they're way-- It's in a corner.
They're looking at two walls meeting.
662
00:30:21,779 --> 00:30:25,616
It's, it's too much
for the child to deal with.
663
00:30:25,616 --> 00:30:27,701
You can't isolate them like that.
664
00:30:27,701 --> 00:30:30,496
Any-- You can't.
You just can't isolate them.
665
00:30:31,372 --> 00:30:32,706
They don't even do that anymore.
666
00:30:32,706 --> 00:30:34,708
They don't do time outs anymore
'cause it's too much.
667
00:30:34,708 --> 00:30:36,377
They do what's called a time in.
668
00:30:36,377 --> 00:30:37,753
It's called a time in.
669
00:30:38,629 --> 00:30:41,590
I'm serious. What they do is
the dad will take the child,
670
00:30:41,590 --> 00:30:43,842
you sit in the middle of the room,
671
00:30:43,842 --> 00:30:47,137
they put the child next to them,
they stroke their shoulder and...
672
00:30:48,097 --> 00:30:51,392
You both kinda go over what went wrong
673
00:30:51,392 --> 00:30:52,560
and kinda where...
674
00:30:53,978 --> 00:30:56,397
the child went off the tracks. And...
675
00:30:57,565 --> 00:31:01,110
Once you start making them feel good
about being bad...
676
00:31:01,110 --> 00:31:04,446
[audience laughing]
677
00:31:04,446 --> 00:31:07,866
Probably after, like, seven
or eight minutes, you just let them go.
678
00:31:09,159 --> 00:31:12,079
Then you stay there for, like,
an additional four minutes.
679
00:31:12,079 --> 00:31:13,622
[audience laughing]
680
00:31:13,622 --> 00:31:16,667
Just to think about
what a loser of a parent you've become.
681
00:31:16,667 --> 00:31:19,670
[audience cheering and clapping]
682
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:27,303
We're raising baby veal.
That's what we're doing.
683
00:31:27,303 --> 00:31:29,179
We are. We are.
684
00:31:29,179 --> 00:31:30,639
We are.
685
00:31:30,639 --> 00:31:34,184
We're so easy on our kids. And so what?
It doesn't help them.
686
00:31:34,184 --> 00:31:37,771
I love my kids.
We all love our kids. We know that.
687
00:31:37,771 --> 00:31:40,608
But you know what?
They all can't be the best.
688
00:31:41,233 --> 00:31:42,985
They can't. Not right away, anyway.
689
00:31:42,985 --> 00:31:44,820
This is what we tell them, constantly.
690
00:31:44,820 --> 00:31:47,156
You're the best. You are the best.
691
00:31:47,156 --> 00:31:48,574
You are so good.
692
00:31:48,574 --> 00:31:51,452
You are the best.
You're the best. Isn't he the best?
693
00:31:51,452 --> 00:31:53,662
Yeah. He's the best. You're the best.
694
00:31:53,662 --> 00:31:54,997
He's the best.
695
00:31:54,997 --> 00:31:56,832
You're so good. You're the best.
696
00:31:58,667 --> 00:31:59,668
[loud sigh]
697
00:32:00,836 --> 00:32:02,129
No, you suck.
698
00:32:02,129 --> 00:32:04,381
[audience laughing]
699
00:32:04,381 --> 00:32:06,133
You're not-- What are you the best at?
700
00:32:06,133 --> 00:32:07,718
We wanna get you to be the best,
701
00:32:07,718 --> 00:32:09,261
but you can't do anything right now.
702
00:32:09,261 --> 00:32:10,346
What can you do?
703
00:32:10,346 --> 00:32:11,764
Can you match your socks?
704
00:32:11,764 --> 00:32:14,475
Can you do a back flip?
Can you black tar a driveway?
705
00:32:14,475 --> 00:32:15,934
Can you roll a cigar?
706
00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:17,394
Can you drive a forklift?
707
00:32:17,394 --> 00:32:21,065
Can you put your toothbrush
back in the cup when you're done using it?
708
00:32:21,065 --> 00:32:23,776
[audience laughing and clapping]
709
00:32:25,569 --> 00:32:26,695
Nothing.
710
00:32:26,695 --> 00:32:29,156
Without me, you can do nothing.
711
00:32:30,282 --> 00:32:33,118
If I dropped you off in the woods
you wouldn't last ten minutes
712
00:32:33,118 --> 00:32:34,953
before you were eaten by coyotes.
713
00:32:34,953 --> 00:32:36,622
[audience laughing]
714
00:32:38,832 --> 00:32:40,000
Kids suck.
715
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:41,543
- They suck.
- [audience laughing]
716
00:32:41,543 --> 00:32:43,629
They're not good. They're not good.
717
00:32:44,505 --> 00:32:46,799
That should,
that's the definition of a kid.
718
00:32:46,799 --> 00:32:49,134
"You suck."
That's what they should be called.
719
00:32:49,885 --> 00:32:52,805
How many you-sucks do you have?
I've got one and two on the way.
720
00:32:52,805 --> 00:32:55,474
[audience laughing]
721
00:32:55,474 --> 00:32:59,144
Twin you-sucks?
That's amazing. Congratulations.
722
00:32:59,144 --> 00:33:00,145
Thank you.
723
00:33:00,145 --> 00:33:02,773
[audience laughing]
724
00:33:02,773 --> 00:33:05,567
Your kids suck. My kids suck.
I'm sorry to break it to you.
725
00:33:05,567 --> 00:33:07,611
There's one kid I saw on the internet.
One kid.
726
00:33:07,611 --> 00:33:09,530
This four-year-old Korean boy.
727
00:33:09,530 --> 00:33:11,699
He was playing Mozart on an accordion.
728
00:33:11,699 --> 00:33:13,951
He had something special, nobody else.
729
00:33:13,951 --> 00:33:16,245
[audience laughing]
730
00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:19,915
But 100% he got the belt.
731
00:33:19,915 --> 00:33:21,417
Oh, he definitely got the belt.
732
00:33:21,417 --> 00:33:24,211
Oh, he was Mozarting his ass off.
He was like...
733
00:33:24,211 --> 00:33:26,797
[audience laughing]
734
00:33:30,217 --> 00:33:31,468
That's how you get good.
735
00:33:31,468 --> 00:33:33,595
[audience laughing]
736
00:33:33,595 --> 00:33:35,639
My son wanted to play Little League.
737
00:33:36,432 --> 00:33:37,599
So I called the coach.
738
00:33:37,599 --> 00:33:40,936
I said, "Listen, my boy wants to play.
Is it okay if he joins the team?"
739
00:33:40,936 --> 00:33:42,896
He's like, "Yeah,
we didn't even start practicing yet.
740
00:33:42,896 --> 00:33:44,440
We practice Thursday night."
741
00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:48,402
I said, "That's wonderful. It's awesome.
And, uh, I'll bring him down."
742
00:33:48,402 --> 00:33:52,030
He says, "Yeah, I just wanna let you know
that we don't keep score in this league."
743
00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:53,323
[audience laughing softly]
744
00:33:53,323 --> 00:33:54,908
I say, "Why? Why not?"
745
00:33:54,908 --> 00:33:56,744
He's like, "We don't wanna upset...
746
00:33:58,746 --> 00:34:01,999
the parents and disappoint
any of the kids, so we don't keep score."
747
00:34:01,999 --> 00:34:03,625
I was like, "Why even have them bat?"
748
00:34:04,626 --> 00:34:07,087
Why not just have them walk up
to the plate, "Hi, how're you doing?"
749
00:34:07,087 --> 00:34:10,549
[audience laughing]
750
00:34:10,549 --> 00:34:12,885
Could you put me down for a double?
751
00:34:12,885 --> 00:34:15,053
[audience laughing]
752
00:34:15,053 --> 00:34:17,639
Yeah, my mother says
I preregistered for a double.
753
00:34:17,639 --> 00:34:19,349
I got a double. Thank you.
754
00:34:19,349 --> 00:34:20,559
I got a double, Mother!
755
00:34:20,559 --> 00:34:23,604
[audience laughing]
756
00:34:26,857 --> 00:34:29,067
A double. I got a double.
757
00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:34,865
Every kid gets a trophy.
758
00:34:36,283 --> 00:34:37,326
You know how I found out?
759
00:34:37,326 --> 00:34:39,411
There was a $40 charge on my bill.
760
00:34:39,411 --> 00:34:41,121
- I was like...
- [audience laughing]
761
00:34:42,623 --> 00:34:45,083
What's this right here?
He like, "That's for trophies."
762
00:34:45,834 --> 00:34:47,169
We didn't even have a practice yet.
763
00:34:47,169 --> 00:34:49,838
He's like, "Congratulations, you guys won.
You guys are champions."
764
00:34:49,838 --> 00:34:51,757
[audience laughing]
765
00:34:53,342 --> 00:34:54,593
I'm like, "Who?" He's like, "Everyone."
766
00:34:54,593 --> 00:34:55,636
Everyone? Me?
767
00:34:55,636 --> 00:34:57,429
He goes, "Yeah. Did you drive him here?"
I go, "Yes."
768
00:34:57,429 --> 00:34:59,348
He goes, "Congratulations,
you're a winner."
769
00:34:59,348 --> 00:35:02,226
[audience laughing]
770
00:35:02,226 --> 00:35:04,853
I played Little League in the 1970s.
771
00:35:04,853 --> 00:35:06,396
Played for five years.
772
00:35:06,396 --> 00:35:08,232
Got a trophy once. One year.
773
00:35:08,232 --> 00:35:09,650
That's it. One trophy.
774
00:35:09,650 --> 00:35:11,735
You know why? 'Cause we won.
775
00:35:13,487 --> 00:35:14,530
That's it.
776
00:35:14,530 --> 00:35:18,617
[audience cheering and clapping]
777
00:35:22,037 --> 00:35:23,997
You know how I know? 'Cause we kept score.
778
00:35:23,997 --> 00:35:26,083
[audience laughing]
779
00:35:26,083 --> 00:35:28,919
You know why we did that?
'Cause that's how baseball's played.
780
00:35:28,919 --> 00:35:32,673
The team with the larger number,
the more runs, they're the winners.
781
00:35:32,673 --> 00:35:35,133
And the losers are the team
with the less numbers.
782
00:35:35,133 --> 00:35:38,053
They're the losers
and they go home as a team
783
00:35:38,053 --> 00:35:40,264
and they try to come back and do better.
784
00:35:40,264 --> 00:35:43,350
And sometimes
that drive actually helps them.
785
00:35:43,350 --> 00:35:46,770
That's actually the better choice,
to lose and try to come back,
786
00:35:46,770 --> 00:35:48,397
because it's human nature.
787
00:35:48,397 --> 00:35:50,941
- Human nature.
- [audience cheering]
788
00:35:50,941 --> 00:35:52,860
It's good for them.
789
00:35:56,864 --> 00:35:58,740
One trophy. That's all I had.
790
00:35:58,740 --> 00:36:01,660
I would go in my room
and see that one trophy.
791
00:36:01,660 --> 00:36:04,872
I'd be like, "Oh, yeah.
That's the year we won."
792
00:36:04,872 --> 00:36:06,874
That's it. The one time.
793
00:36:06,874 --> 00:36:08,834
That was worth it. It was great.
794
00:36:08,834 --> 00:36:13,422
I went to my neighbor's house.
His living room is littered with trophies.
795
00:36:13,422 --> 00:36:16,717
I know his kids.
I'm like, "This is criminal."
796
00:36:16,717 --> 00:36:19,344
[audience laughing]
797
00:36:21,096 --> 00:36:22,931
I'm like, "What's this one for?"
798
00:36:22,931 --> 00:36:26,727
Oh, that's when Warren was gonna try out
for photography club.
799
00:36:26,727 --> 00:36:28,687
[audience laughing]
800
00:36:28,687 --> 00:36:31,440
But he got a cold and missed the season.
801
00:36:33,108 --> 00:36:34,234
It says "MVP."
802
00:36:34,234 --> 00:36:36,028
Yes, we're very proud of him.
803
00:36:36,028 --> 00:36:38,780
[audience laughing softly]
804
00:36:38,780 --> 00:36:41,116
They're so fortunate, kids today.
805
00:36:41,116 --> 00:36:44,578
They have the greatest fields,
I see them, I see them here.
806
00:36:44,578 --> 00:36:48,123
The pristine sod and the outfield walls.
807
00:36:48,123 --> 00:36:52,794
With the sponsors
and the, and the lights for night games.
808
00:36:52,794 --> 00:36:53,754
Kidding me?
809
00:36:54,379 --> 00:36:56,006
I played in the 70s
and they had none of that.
810
00:36:56,006 --> 00:37:00,093
You pull up to, like, a parking lot
with cement and clumps of grass
811
00:37:01,094 --> 00:37:03,972
and broken Schmidt's bottles everywhere.
Just...
812
00:37:05,098 --> 00:37:08,602
Is this field two?
Yeah, this is field two. This is us.
813
00:37:08,602 --> 00:37:12,105
Your coach would pull up in a 1971 Impala,
814
00:37:12,105 --> 00:37:14,399
pop the trunk to hand out uniforms.
815
00:37:14,399 --> 00:37:16,652
[imitates trunk squeaking open]
816
00:37:16,652 --> 00:37:18,320
Had everything in that trunk.
817
00:37:18,320 --> 00:37:21,031
Clearly thrown out of his house
ten minutes ago by his wife.
818
00:37:21,031 --> 00:37:23,241
[audience laughing]
819
00:37:23,867 --> 00:37:26,161
Smoking right in front of us.
820
00:37:26,161 --> 00:37:28,330
[audience laughing]
821
00:37:28,330 --> 00:37:31,792
Gather round, guys, gather round, team.
Get around me. Make a circle.
822
00:37:34,252 --> 00:37:36,713
Listen to me,
if it's a hit to right field...
823
00:37:38,048 --> 00:37:40,467
shortstop got it covered. Second base...
824
00:37:41,176 --> 00:37:43,637
don't overthrow the cutoff man, okay.
825
00:37:43,637 --> 00:37:44,972
You're overthrowing the...
826
00:37:49,977 --> 00:37:52,938
Like a nicotine oscillating fan
right in our faces.
827
00:37:52,938 --> 00:37:55,190
[audience laughing]
828
00:37:56,608 --> 00:37:58,402
No parents running over, "Hey, Phil,
829
00:37:58,402 --> 00:38:00,445
maybe you shouldn't smoke
in front of the kids."
830
00:38:00,445 --> 00:38:02,906
You kidding me?
They're setting up snack tables,
831
00:38:02,906 --> 00:38:05,951
playing dominoes, drinking vodka,
about 30 yards that way.
832
00:38:05,951 --> 00:38:08,745
[audience cheering and clapping]
833
00:38:10,539 --> 00:38:14,376
They're just so happy the weird guy
in the polyester pants and bushy mustache
834
00:38:14,376 --> 00:38:16,294
is looking after them for a while.
835
00:38:19,423 --> 00:38:21,717
Right in my face. Benson and Hedges.
836
00:38:23,593 --> 00:38:26,304
It stung right in the retinas.
Stinging me like crazy.
837
00:38:27,055 --> 00:38:29,433
Smoke billowing down my body.
838
00:38:30,434 --> 00:38:32,853
But you know what? No allergies today.
839
00:38:32,853 --> 00:38:35,647
[audience cheering and clapping]
840
00:38:37,274 --> 00:38:38,150
Nada.
841
00:38:39,568 --> 00:38:40,986
I eat whatever I want.
842
00:38:40,986 --> 00:38:43,488
I can see a raccoon walking around midday.
843
00:38:44,197 --> 00:38:47,159
Just rip it's face off,
clumps of hair missing, doesn't matter.
844
00:38:47,159 --> 00:38:50,287
I can just eat that thing whole
and be fine an hour later.
845
00:38:50,287 --> 00:38:51,246
[audience laughing]
846
00:38:51,246 --> 00:38:53,915
You know why?
'Cause I drank water out of a hose
847
00:38:53,915 --> 00:38:55,959
that was rolled up in my backyard.
848
00:38:55,959 --> 00:38:58,211
[audience cheering and clapping]
849
00:38:58,211 --> 00:39:01,298
That sat outside in the grass
850
00:39:01,298 --> 00:39:04,634
in the hot sun for months at a time,
melting that plastic.
851
00:39:04,634 --> 00:39:07,137
It boiled up so much
it would burn your face.
852
00:39:07,137 --> 00:39:09,097
It wouldn't even come out
in a steady stream.
853
00:39:09,097 --> 00:39:10,223
You'd be p-p-p-p-p...
854
00:39:10,223 --> 00:39:12,976
[audience laughing]
855
00:39:12,976 --> 00:39:15,896
Firing rusty spickets
through that thing
856
00:39:15,896 --> 00:39:19,066
like BBs into the back of your throat
until it wasn't enough
857
00:39:19,066 --> 00:39:20,901
and you just ripped the hose
off the faucet
858
00:39:20,901 --> 00:39:22,778
and wrapped your lips around that.
859
00:39:22,778 --> 00:39:24,154
[audience laughing]
860
00:39:24,154 --> 00:39:27,949
Just suck all the asbestos and lead
right out of the house. Just...
861
00:39:27,949 --> 00:39:29,493
[audience laughing]
862
00:39:29,493 --> 00:39:32,788
Go right to the source and I was fine.
Why was I fine?
863
00:39:32,788 --> 00:39:35,707
'Cause all day long at school
I'm chewing on pencils.
864
00:39:35,707 --> 00:39:38,043
[audience laughing]
865
00:39:38,043 --> 00:39:41,296
I'm sniffing magic markers
like they're going out of style.
866
00:39:41,296 --> 00:39:44,466
Thirty seconds a nostril.
Have some fun. Get used to it.
867
00:39:45,425 --> 00:39:47,928
Eating paste
'cause it looked like mayonnaise.
868
00:39:47,928 --> 00:39:48,887
[audience laughing]
869
00:39:48,887 --> 00:39:50,889
Or Play-Doh.
How good did Play-Doh smell?
870
00:39:50,889 --> 00:39:53,767
Smelled amazing.
You try it, like, whoa, different story.
871
00:39:53,767 --> 00:39:54,976
[audience laughing]
872
00:39:54,976 --> 00:39:57,312
Next day, you try it again.
Different color.
873
00:39:57,312 --> 00:39:59,689
You're like,
"Maybe this is fruit flavored. Try."
874
00:39:59,689 --> 00:40:01,900
[audience laughing softly]
875
00:40:02,609 --> 00:40:05,070
We had allergies and things
back in the day.
876
00:40:05,070 --> 00:40:07,072
We just didn't label everything.
877
00:40:07,072 --> 00:40:09,616
I'm sure I had anxiety. I know I did.
878
00:40:09,616 --> 00:40:12,077
I was a pitcher. I was eight years old.
879
00:40:12,077 --> 00:40:14,371
I remember this.
I had a really strong arm.
880
00:40:14,371 --> 00:40:15,622
I was on the mound.
881
00:40:15,622 --> 00:40:18,667
I was firing the ball, aiming it,
and I was missing the plate.
882
00:40:18,667 --> 00:40:21,503
I started walking batters
and it was getting to me.
883
00:40:21,503 --> 00:40:24,089
I loaded up the bases
and I was breathing heavy.
884
00:40:24,089 --> 00:40:27,467
I felt it. I felt this heaviness.
And it was bothering me.
885
00:40:27,467 --> 00:40:31,263
I started trying harder
and I was walking more batters.
886
00:40:31,263 --> 00:40:32,514
I started walking runs in.
887
00:40:32,514 --> 00:40:34,015
I'm looking at my friends in the field
888
00:40:34,015 --> 00:40:36,184
and they were looking at me
and I felt terrible.
889
00:40:36,184 --> 00:40:37,310
I remember this.
890
00:40:37,310 --> 00:40:39,771
'Cause I remember my dad,
who was also a coach,
891
00:40:39,771 --> 00:40:40,856
he walked out to the mound
892
00:40:40,856 --> 00:40:44,067
and he gave me the greatest advice
I've ever received in my entire life.
893
00:40:44,067 --> 00:40:45,777
He literally walked up to the mound,
894
00:40:45,777 --> 00:40:47,362
he put both hands on my shoulder,
895
00:40:47,362 --> 00:40:51,074
looked me dead in the eyes and says, "Hey.
Stop aiming the ball.
896
00:40:51,867 --> 00:40:54,661
You know what to do." He said two words.
897
00:40:54,661 --> 00:40:56,163
"Just throw."
898
00:40:56,830 --> 00:40:59,332
That's all he said. "Just throw."
899
00:40:59,875 --> 00:41:02,544
He turned around
and he walked back to the dugout.
900
00:41:03,670 --> 00:41:08,508
And I remember it's the greatest advice
I've ever received in my entire life.
901
00:41:08,508 --> 00:41:10,135
Think about it.
902
00:41:10,135 --> 00:41:12,179
Anytime life has got you down,
903
00:41:12,179 --> 00:41:14,222
there are obstacles you gotta overcome.
904
00:41:14,222 --> 00:41:15,348
Just throw.
905
00:41:15,348 --> 00:41:18,185
That's all you gotta do. Just throw. Yes.
906
00:41:19,060 --> 00:41:21,396
- Believe in yourself.
- [audience cheering and clapping]
907
00:41:21,396 --> 00:41:22,939
Trust yourself.
908
00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:25,734
And just throw. And that's what I did.
909
00:41:26,359 --> 00:41:29,196
I launched back into my windup
and I just threw.
910
00:41:30,238 --> 00:41:32,616
And I shattered the kid's cheekbone.
I remember--
911
00:41:32,616 --> 00:41:35,619
[audience laughing and clapping]
912
00:41:35,619 --> 00:41:38,079
Ball bounced like 30 yards,
two more runs scored.
913
00:41:38,079 --> 00:41:40,707
So my Dad was wrong there.
You gotta aim the ball.
914
00:41:40,707 --> 00:41:41,833
[audience laughing]
915
00:41:41,833 --> 00:41:44,461
In baseball. That's the--
That's like where--
916
00:41:44,461 --> 00:41:48,381
That's the worst advice ever.
To just, just throw it in baseball.
917
00:41:48,381 --> 00:41:50,759
Then you're just running around,
just throwing at everything.
918
00:41:50,759 --> 00:41:53,136
- You can't. You gotta...
- [audience laughing]
919
00:41:53,136 --> 00:41:54,471
Doesn't work in baseball.
920
00:41:54,471 --> 00:41:57,974
But anywhere else in life,
it's great advice. Great advise.
921
00:41:57,974 --> 00:42:00,227
Just throw. Just do it.
922
00:42:00,936 --> 00:42:03,521
He was smart. My dad was a smart man.
923
00:42:03,521 --> 00:42:05,732
Never went to college. Didn't have to.
924
00:42:05,732 --> 00:42:08,818
Didn't know all subjects,
but he knew subjects in depth.
925
00:42:08,818 --> 00:42:10,487
He had depth to the subject.
926
00:42:10,487 --> 00:42:13,281
That was it. He knew it. He knew it well.
927
00:42:13,281 --> 00:42:14,741
I don't have that.
928
00:42:14,741 --> 00:42:20,205
I don't know, my Dad was handing me
the, uh, knowledge baton.
929
00:42:20,205 --> 00:42:23,917
He was literally like, "Here it is.
930
00:42:23,917 --> 00:42:25,710
From generation to generation.
931
00:42:25,710 --> 00:42:29,297
This is all the wisdom and intelligence
of our family.
932
00:42:29,297 --> 00:42:32,217
And I'm giving it to you, my son."
933
00:42:32,801 --> 00:42:34,010
And I was like...
934
00:42:34,761 --> 00:42:35,804
I'm good.
935
00:42:35,804 --> 00:42:38,348
[audience laughing]
936
00:42:41,101 --> 00:42:43,436
I don't feel
like reading that thing right now.
937
00:42:44,020 --> 00:42:44,896
I paid for it.
938
00:42:44,896 --> 00:42:46,815
'Cause he could answer any question
I ever had.
939
00:42:46,815 --> 00:42:48,566
And I know nothing now.
940
00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:49,985
As an adult, I'm faking it.
941
00:42:49,985 --> 00:42:53,863
That's why I hate having conversations.
'Cause I don't know enough.
942
00:42:53,863 --> 00:42:56,992
I know things,
but I don't have any in-depth knowledge.
943
00:42:56,992 --> 00:42:58,326
I can't go deep.
944
00:42:58,326 --> 00:43:00,662
Still water does not go deep.
945
00:43:00,662 --> 00:43:02,580
That's why, anybody talks to me,
946
00:43:02,580 --> 00:43:06,668
it's literally like they say something
and I have zero point of view.
947
00:43:06,668 --> 00:43:08,628
I can't add anything to it.
948
00:43:08,628 --> 00:43:11,673
- I'm just like, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
- [audience laughing]
949
00:43:11,673 --> 00:43:14,759
One subject,
one subject I know a lot about.
950
00:43:14,759 --> 00:43:16,052
Buster Douglas.
951
00:43:16,052 --> 00:43:17,053
Remember him?
952
00:43:17,053 --> 00:43:20,140
Remember the heavy-weight champ
who upset Mike Tyson back in 1990?
953
00:43:20,140 --> 00:43:22,017
At the Tokyo Dome.
954
00:43:22,726 --> 00:43:24,311
Forty-two to one odds.
955
00:43:24,811 --> 00:43:27,522
Mike Tyson was 37-and-0 at the time.
956
00:43:27,522 --> 00:43:30,984
55,000 people there. I know all this.
You know why I know it?
957
00:43:30,984 --> 00:43:33,570
Because ESPN had a 30 for 30 on it
958
00:43:33,570 --> 00:43:36,656
and I recorded it
and watched it, like, 12 times.
959
00:43:36,656 --> 00:43:39,576
So I have all this information
about Buster Douglas.
960
00:43:40,702 --> 00:43:41,786
Here's the thing.
961
00:43:42,787 --> 00:43:44,706
Hardly ever comes up in conversation.
962
00:43:44,706 --> 00:43:47,876
[audience laughing]
963
00:43:47,876 --> 00:43:52,255
That's how dumb I was. I put all my eggs
in the Buster Douglas basket.
964
00:43:52,255 --> 00:43:53,923
[audience laughing]
965
00:43:57,052 --> 00:43:58,428
And my wife, this was the worst.
966
00:43:58,428 --> 00:44:03,016
We got invited to this local
municipal government fundraising dinner.
967
00:44:03,016 --> 00:44:05,560
It was, like, every word I hated in there.
968
00:44:06,436 --> 00:44:08,438
Except dinner. I was fine with that.
969
00:44:08,438 --> 00:44:09,731
[audience laughing]
970
00:44:09,731 --> 00:44:11,941
Hope you said no.
She was like, "I accepted."
971
00:44:11,941 --> 00:44:13,234
Why would you do that?
972
00:44:13,818 --> 00:44:15,987
I don't wanna talk to anybody. I can't.
973
00:44:15,987 --> 00:44:18,656
I don't know anything about government.
They're gonna make me look like an idiot.
974
00:44:18,656 --> 00:44:20,950
I don't wanna do it. She's like, "Relax."
975
00:44:20,950 --> 00:44:23,620
She's good at talking.
She's like, "I'll go with you.
976
00:44:23,620 --> 00:44:24,954
I'll be there the whole time.
977
00:44:24,954 --> 00:44:28,917
I promise you, we'll mingle around,
we'll have some hors d'oeuvres,
978
00:44:28,917 --> 00:44:31,378
we'll have a little dinner,
and then we'll leave.
979
00:44:31,378 --> 00:44:33,755
And I'll stay with you the whole time."
980
00:44:33,755 --> 00:44:35,507
You promise? She's like, "Yes."
981
00:44:35,507 --> 00:44:37,967
As soon as we get there she goes,
"I'll be right back.
982
00:44:37,967 --> 00:44:39,594
I have to go the bathroom."
983
00:44:39,594 --> 00:44:42,514
- And she takes off.
- [audience laughing]
984
00:44:43,556 --> 00:44:46,184
Some guy walks over to me. He says, "Hey."
985
00:44:46,184 --> 00:44:48,520
I'm like, "Oh, gosh, here we go. Hey!"
986
00:44:49,062 --> 00:44:52,190
How about this whole Figueroa thing
as councilman?
987
00:44:52,190 --> 00:44:54,651
Tell you one thing,
he ain't gonna last, huh?
988
00:44:55,860 --> 00:44:58,321
[audience laughing]
989
00:45:04,202 --> 00:45:06,121
Let's break it down, shall we?
990
00:45:06,121 --> 00:45:08,039
First, don't know who Figueroa is.
991
00:45:08,957 --> 00:45:10,875
Don't know--
You know what a councilman is?
992
00:45:10,875 --> 00:45:12,293
Do have any idea?
993
00:45:12,293 --> 00:45:14,629
He could've said carrot-maker.
It wouldn't have made a difference.
994
00:45:14,629 --> 00:45:17,465
I've no idea what a councilman is.
995
00:45:17,465 --> 00:45:19,217
[audience laughing]
996
00:45:20,927 --> 00:45:22,011
How do I answer?
997
00:45:22,011 --> 00:45:24,764
I wanna look like I know,
so I go, "Really?"
998
00:45:24,764 --> 00:45:27,225
Like I'm concerned for Figueroa.
999
00:45:27,225 --> 00:45:29,269
He goes, "Yeah, really." I go, "Why?"
1000
00:45:29,269 --> 00:45:31,771
He goes, "I'll give you one reason why.
Treason."
1001
00:45:31,771 --> 00:45:34,816
I was like, "Treason?
You gotta be kidding me."
1002
00:45:35,650 --> 00:45:38,486
In my head, I'm going,
you don't even know what treason means.
1003
00:45:38,486 --> 00:45:39,654
[audience laughing]
1004
00:45:39,654 --> 00:45:42,198
You don't know the definition of treason.
1005
00:45:42,198 --> 00:45:45,493
I don't know-- Did you ever break away
from a conversation mentally
1006
00:45:45,493 --> 00:45:48,538
to try to figure out a word
that somebody just launched at you?
1007
00:45:48,538 --> 00:45:52,250
You're in your head, going, break it down.
Treason. What does it mean?
1008
00:45:52,250 --> 00:45:55,795
Treason. Well, tree is in the front,
reason is in the back. Trees...
1009
00:45:55,795 --> 00:45:58,006
are reasonable.
Maybe he's talking about the environment.
1010
00:45:58,006 --> 00:46:00,091
Get in there
and talk about the environment.
1011
00:46:00,091 --> 00:46:03,219
So I go back to talk to him
and he's just staring at me.
1012
00:46:03,219 --> 00:46:06,181
So I don't know
how long I was out for, you know.
1013
00:46:06,681 --> 00:46:09,767
I don't know if he asked me a question
or not. He's just staring at me.
1014
00:46:09,767 --> 00:46:12,353
I'm starting to sweat,
'cause I don't know what to say.
1015
00:46:12,353 --> 00:46:13,480
I'm feeling uncomfortable.
1016
00:46:13,480 --> 00:46:16,816
And he doesn't say--
So I go to my fallback, which is this.
1017
00:46:16,816 --> 00:46:18,234
It's great. I just go,
1018
00:46:18,234 --> 00:46:21,321
"Yeah, it's all crazy anyway.
What are you gonna do, right?
1019
00:46:21,905 --> 00:46:24,782
He's supposed to say, "Yeah, it's nuts.
Anyway, you have a good night."
1020
00:46:24,782 --> 00:46:25,867
You too. But he doesn't.
1021
00:46:25,867 --> 00:46:28,036
He goes, "What's crazy?"
I go, "I don't know.
1022
00:46:28,036 --> 00:46:30,705
No one's ever answered my question
with a question before."
1023
00:46:30,705 --> 00:46:32,999
[audience laughing]
1024
00:46:32,999 --> 00:46:34,876
Just the whole thing.
He's like, "What whole thing?"
1025
00:46:34,876 --> 00:46:36,669
How it all went down.
He's like, "What went down?"
1026
00:46:36,669 --> 00:46:38,213
Motherf-- Just leave me alone!
1027
00:46:38,213 --> 00:46:39,756
[audience laughing]
1028
00:46:39,756 --> 00:46:41,674
He was trying to expose my stupidity.
1029
00:46:41,674 --> 00:46:43,801
He wouldn't stop.
He was not letting me go.
1030
00:46:43,801 --> 00:46:46,846
He was chasing me, like I was an opossum
running behind a dumpster
1031
00:46:46,846 --> 00:46:48,640
and he had a flashlight in my face.
1032
00:46:48,640 --> 00:46:50,642
What did you say? No, you're dumb.
1033
00:46:50,642 --> 00:46:51,893
What did you say?
1034
00:46:51,893 --> 00:46:52,894
You're very dumb.
1035
00:46:52,894 --> 00:46:54,687
You don't know who Figueroa is.
1036
00:46:54,687 --> 00:46:55,855
Who is Figueroa?
1037
00:46:55,855 --> 00:46:57,732
No, you don't. Who is Figueroa?
1038
00:46:57,732 --> 00:46:59,150
Who is Figueroa?
1039
00:46:59,150 --> 00:47:00,818
Who is he? You don't--
1040
00:47:00,818 --> 00:47:02,904
Name the three branches of government.
1041
00:47:02,904 --> 00:47:03,988
[audience laughing]
1042
00:47:03,988 --> 00:47:06,157
I'll spot you Legislative.
1043
00:47:06,157 --> 00:47:09,869
[audience cheering and clapping]
1044
00:47:15,333 --> 00:47:17,460
I should just be honest with people.
I should just walk up,
1045
00:47:17,460 --> 00:47:20,296
"Hi, my name's Kevin.
I got about a fourth grade vocabulary."
1046
00:47:20,296 --> 00:47:21,464
[audience laughing]
1047
00:47:21,464 --> 00:47:24,008
I'm gonna get lost
pretty quickly into the conversation,
1048
00:47:24,008 --> 00:47:26,761
but I'll stay here and I'll nod my head
1049
00:47:26,761 --> 00:47:29,472
and I'll smile,
make you feel better about yourself,
1050
00:47:29,472 --> 00:47:32,350
but don't be fooled,
I am dead behind the eyes.
1051
00:47:32,350 --> 00:47:34,269
[audience laughing and clapping]
1052
00:47:38,147 --> 00:47:39,274
I don't do that.
1053
00:47:40,233 --> 00:47:44,654
I try to match. I try to match.
I throw in big words I don't even know.
1054
00:47:44,654 --> 00:47:46,573
What do you think
the problem with society is?
1055
00:47:46,573 --> 00:47:49,409
I go, "I gotta be honest. I harken..."
Har-- Harken.
1056
00:47:49,409 --> 00:47:50,368
[audience laughing]
1057
00:47:50,493 --> 00:47:53,830
I've never said "harken" before
in my life. Harken?
1058
00:47:54,539 --> 00:47:56,666
What am I? Winston Churchill? Where--
1059
00:47:57,417 --> 00:47:59,961
It behooves me to think that...
1060
00:48:00,545 --> 00:48:05,008
my monocle and my, mm, pocket watch,
ha-ha, burlap brown pants,
1061
00:48:05,008 --> 00:48:07,218
working on the cobble stone in London,
1062
00:48:07,218 --> 00:48:10,388
fatty, fatty, fatty pants. Fatty pants.
1063
00:48:10,388 --> 00:48:13,891
Walking in London rain. Who am I?
1064
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:16,269
Mm, pipe. Who am I?
1065
00:48:17,145 --> 00:48:18,146
Harken.
1066
00:48:18,980 --> 00:48:20,231
Or I answer too quickly.
1067
00:48:20,231 --> 00:48:22,108
What do you think
the problem with the culture is?
1068
00:48:22,108 --> 00:48:24,777
I'm like, "I know what it is."
I know what it is?
1069
00:48:24,777 --> 00:48:25,778
[audience laughing]
1070
00:48:25,778 --> 00:48:28,281
I go, "I think it's a lack of conscious."
1071
00:48:28,781 --> 00:48:30,700
Conte-ness. Consci-ness.
1072
00:48:30,700 --> 00:48:31,868
He's like, "What?"
1073
00:48:33,578 --> 00:48:36,581
You ever not even be sure
of the tense of a word?
1074
00:48:37,081 --> 00:48:39,876
C-- It's a lack of con-- conscience-ness.
1075
00:48:39,876 --> 00:48:41,127
[audience laughing]
1076
00:48:41,127 --> 00:48:42,670
I'm sorry, what did you say?
1077
00:48:42,670 --> 00:48:44,589
C-Con-- It's a lack of consciention--
1078
00:48:44,589 --> 00:48:46,257
[audience laughing]
1079
00:48:46,257 --> 00:48:50,053
It's a lack of con-- uncon--
I think unconscien-- unconscientuously.
1080
00:48:50,803 --> 00:48:53,848
I think uncon-- con--
1081
00:48:54,807 --> 00:48:57,018
Conscience-- Conchi--
1082
00:48:57,018 --> 00:49:00,772
It's a lack of conch--
Of we're not uncontentience.
1083
00:49:00,772 --> 00:49:01,731
[audience laughing]
1084
00:49:01,731 --> 00:49:05,568
You're gonna have a society--
S-so-- So-socotal-- Socielitally--
1085
00:49:05,568 --> 00:49:07,570
You're gonna get a tyranny.
A tyr-- A tyran--
1086
00:49:07,570 --> 00:49:09,697
An tyrannical-saurus rex
is gonna come back.
1087
00:49:09,697 --> 00:49:10,907
[audience laughing]
1088
00:49:10,907 --> 00:49:13,576
And the dinosaurs are here.
That's what I'm saying.
1089
00:49:14,077 --> 00:49:16,537
I'm sorry, I'm not following you.
I went... [scoffs]
1090
00:49:17,330 --> 00:49:19,457
Irregardless of that, I gotta tell you...
1091
00:49:19,457 --> 00:49:21,834
- I said it.
- [audience laughing and clapping]
1092
00:49:25,088 --> 00:49:27,632
Oh, he stopped me,
"That's not even a word."
1093
00:49:28,132 --> 00:49:29,676
I beg to differ.
1094
00:49:29,676 --> 00:49:32,136
He's like, "I'm sorry,
you're not making any sense."
1095
00:49:32,136 --> 00:49:34,639
[audience laughing softly]
1096
00:49:34,639 --> 00:49:36,766
You know what else didn't make sense?
1097
00:49:38,101 --> 00:49:41,437
When Buster Douglas upset Mike Tyson
back in 1990.
1098
00:49:41,437 --> 00:49:42,730
[audience cheering and clapping]
1099
00:49:42,730 --> 00:49:44,399
At the Tokyo Dome.
1100
00:49:44,399 --> 00:49:48,403
55,000 people. Forty-two to one odds.
You have a good night, sir.
1101
00:49:48,403 --> 00:49:50,655
Have a good night, sir.
1102
00:49:50,655 --> 00:49:53,783
[audience clapping]
1103
00:49:53,783 --> 00:49:55,618
That's when my wife
walked out of the bathroom.
1104
00:49:55,618 --> 00:49:57,578
What did I miss? Anything good?
1105
00:49:57,578 --> 00:50:00,248
Ha-ha. Okay. All right.
1106
00:50:01,791 --> 00:50:03,668
My wife's awesome. I love her so much.
1107
00:50:03,668 --> 00:50:06,921
She-- We're an amazing fit
because she loves to talk.
1108
00:50:06,921 --> 00:50:09,465
She's like the balance to me.
She's so good at it.
1109
00:50:09,465 --> 00:50:12,969
She can talk to people.
She knows what questions to ask.
1110
00:50:12,969 --> 00:50:14,303
She just loves it.
1111
00:50:14,303 --> 00:50:18,474
I remember, that night
we got in the car to drive home.
1112
00:50:18,474 --> 00:50:21,018
She just started talking again.
I was like, "Hey.
1113
00:50:21,519 --> 00:50:23,730
You know, we don't need it now. We--"
1114
00:50:23,730 --> 00:50:25,773
[audience laughing]
1115
00:50:28,776 --> 00:50:31,070
We don't need to talk ever again.
1116
00:50:31,070 --> 00:50:32,447
[audience laughing]
1117
00:50:32,447 --> 00:50:35,575
We don't. That's a good thing.
We've been together, like, 20 years.
1118
00:50:35,575 --> 00:50:37,994
I've already said every word
I'm ever gonna say to her
1119
00:50:37,994 --> 00:50:40,163
in every combination. That's it.
1120
00:50:40,163 --> 00:50:41,456
And she said every word to me.
1121
00:50:41,456 --> 00:50:43,624
She knows everything about me.
I know everything about her.
1122
00:50:43,624 --> 00:50:44,876
We don't need to talk anymore.
1123
00:50:44,876 --> 00:50:47,837
We can finish out the rest of our life
with gestures. That's it.
1124
00:50:47,837 --> 00:50:49,255
[audience laughing]
1125
00:50:49,255 --> 00:50:51,424
Not her. She loves to talk. She loves it.
1126
00:50:51,424 --> 00:50:54,260
She's just one of those people.
She just loves it.
1127
00:50:54,260 --> 00:50:57,221
Loves the sound of her internal voice.
She's like, "Uh..."
1128
00:50:57,221 --> 00:51:00,308
Loves the vibration of her lips
on her teeth or something.
1129
00:51:00,308 --> 00:51:01,768
The whole nine yards.
1130
00:51:01,768 --> 00:51:05,146
Whatever's involved with talking,
she... [makes noises]
1131
00:51:05,146 --> 00:51:07,607
Ever hear a baby
whenever they find their voice?
1132
00:51:07,607 --> 00:51:11,986
They're ma-ma-ma-ma. Brr... Brr...
1133
00:51:11,986 --> 00:51:14,947
Brr... La-la. Brr...
1134
00:51:14,947 --> 00:51:16,240
She just goes.
1135
00:51:16,240 --> 00:51:19,202
I don't think she's ever had
an unexpressed thought in her life.
1136
00:51:19,202 --> 00:51:20,578
[audience laughing]
1137
00:51:20,578 --> 00:51:21,537
No.
1138
00:51:21,996 --> 00:51:24,415
Everything she sees, it goes right in,
and she has to say it.
1139
00:51:24,415 --> 00:51:26,793
She just, "Oh, my gosh,
this door's so squeaky.
1140
00:51:26,793 --> 00:51:28,628
That picture's crooked,
I can't believe that.
1141
00:51:28,628 --> 00:51:32,215
We're gonna make eggplant for Thursday.
We'll have some friends over.
1142
00:51:32,215 --> 00:51:34,175
Would that be good?
Look at my reflection in the mirror.
1143
00:51:34,175 --> 00:51:36,594
I see two of me. Do you see two of me?
It's really weird.
1144
00:51:36,594 --> 00:51:39,806
I can't believe the kids are standing
on hardwood floor now, look at that.
1145
00:51:39,806 --> 00:51:42,433
The lights are good.
The holidays are coming. This is fun."
1146
00:51:42,433 --> 00:51:44,685
Hey, sit one out. Sit one out.
1147
00:51:44,685 --> 00:51:46,813
[audience laughing]
1148
00:51:48,356 --> 00:51:50,858
I have thoughts in my head all day long.
1149
00:51:50,858 --> 00:51:52,151
Weird ones.
1150
00:51:52,985 --> 00:51:56,072
How many tater tots can I fit in my mouth
without dropping any?
1151
00:51:56,072 --> 00:51:57,824
[audience laughing]
1152
00:51:57,824 --> 00:52:01,410
It's in there, but I keep it in the barn.
I keep it in there.
1153
00:52:01,953 --> 00:52:03,746
Not my wife.
She doesn't have any barn doors.
1154
00:52:03,746 --> 00:52:06,415
It's just free-range thoughts.
I see it. I say it.
1155
00:52:06,415 --> 00:52:08,084
I see it in the senses and I say it.
1156
00:52:08,084 --> 00:52:10,795
Look at those exit signs. The light.
The floor. Everything is...
1157
00:52:10,795 --> 00:52:13,506
I see it. I say it. I see it. I say it.
1158
00:52:13,506 --> 00:52:15,299
It's like a verbal wood chipper.
1159
00:52:15,299 --> 00:52:17,844
- [imitates chipper whirring]
- [audience laughing]
1160
00:52:23,808 --> 00:52:27,436
I see it. I say it.
I gotta say it when I see it.
1161
00:52:27,436 --> 00:52:29,605
I see it. I say it. I gotta say it.
1162
00:52:29,605 --> 00:52:31,524
[imitates chipper whirring]
1163
00:52:31,524 --> 00:52:33,442
[audience laughing]
1164
00:52:33,442 --> 00:52:35,027
Hey.
1165
00:52:35,027 --> 00:52:37,572
There's an ebb and flow to conversations.
1166
00:52:38,281 --> 00:52:40,366
There is. Fifty percent is listening.
1167
00:52:40,366 --> 00:52:43,202
It's like double Dutch.
You gotta wait for your turn.
1168
00:52:43,202 --> 00:52:44,328
[audience laughing]
1169
00:52:44,328 --> 00:52:47,123
Not her. She's in there
the whole time. Like...
1170
00:52:47,123 --> 00:52:50,501
I got this. This is my talk.
This is my talk. Back it off.
1171
00:52:50,501 --> 00:52:53,629
Can someone else talk?
Get outta here, [unclear], this is me.
1172
00:52:53,629 --> 00:52:56,299
Big Mac, Fillet-o-Fish,
Quarter Pounder, French Fries,
1173
00:52:56,299 --> 00:52:58,718
I see Coke, milkshake,
sundaes, and apple pie.
1174
00:52:58,718 --> 00:53:01,762
[audience cheering and clapping]
1175
00:53:07,602 --> 00:53:08,853
You wanna talk?
1176
00:53:09,645 --> 00:53:10,646
Talk.
1177
00:53:11,606 --> 00:53:15,151
Go in your closet, take your clothes off,
and talk all night long.
1178
00:53:16,110 --> 00:53:18,112
But why do I have to be there?
1179
00:53:18,112 --> 00:53:19,780
[audience laughing]
1180
00:53:19,780 --> 00:53:23,534
It's this emotional backboard.
She doesn't care what I think or say.
1181
00:53:24,744 --> 00:53:26,120
She wants me there.
1182
00:53:27,663 --> 00:53:28,539
Why?
1183
00:53:29,540 --> 00:53:30,958
Talk.
1184
00:53:30,958 --> 00:53:32,043
Go.
1185
00:53:32,710 --> 00:53:34,378
I always gotta be there, though.
1186
00:53:35,838 --> 00:53:37,465
I'm literally brushing my teeth.
1187
00:53:38,215 --> 00:53:39,342
Getting ready for bed.
1188
00:53:40,718 --> 00:53:41,844
And I hear it.
1189
00:53:41,844 --> 00:53:44,889
[audience laughing]
1190
00:53:45,014 --> 00:53:46,432
Telling me things.
1191
00:53:49,685 --> 00:53:52,813
That I experienced with her.
I was with her all day.
1192
00:53:52,813 --> 00:53:54,774
[audience laughing]
1193
00:53:57,652 --> 00:54:00,279
Can't believe Alan stood up
in front of everybody
1194
00:54:00,279 --> 00:54:02,323
revealing facts about his son.
1195
00:54:02,323 --> 00:54:05,201
I didn't like that at all.
I couldn't believe it.
1196
00:54:06,035 --> 00:54:07,370
Could you believe it?
1197
00:54:11,165 --> 00:54:14,085
In my head, I'm going, "Yes, I can.
You know why?
1198
00:54:16,170 --> 00:54:17,463
'Cause I was there."
1199
00:54:17,463 --> 00:54:19,757
[audience laughing]
1200
00:54:19,757 --> 00:54:21,676
This was your point of view.
1201
00:54:23,803 --> 00:54:25,596
[audience laughing]
1202
00:54:25,596 --> 00:54:27,348
This was mine. I was there.
1203
00:54:27,348 --> 00:54:30,017
I experienced everything with you!
1204
00:54:31,227 --> 00:54:33,771
Na-na-na-na-na...
1205
00:54:35,314 --> 00:54:38,609
Talking herself to sleep.
Literally talking herself through sleep.
1206
00:54:39,527 --> 00:54:41,570
You know how much you wanna go to sleep
and you're tired?
1207
00:54:41,570 --> 00:54:43,280
And she's still fighting it.
1208
00:54:43,280 --> 00:54:45,199
[mumbling]
1209
00:54:45,783 --> 00:54:49,704
[exhale, mumbling]
1210
00:54:51,998 --> 00:54:53,541
[mumbling]
1211
00:54:57,169 --> 00:54:58,379
Finally.
1212
00:54:59,380 --> 00:55:01,549
It goes quiet. Sweet quiet.
1213
00:55:03,884 --> 00:55:05,219
You go to bed.
1214
00:55:06,595 --> 00:55:07,972
Next morning I wake up.
1215
00:55:07,972 --> 00:55:09,932
[audience laughing softly]
1216
00:55:12,101 --> 00:55:13,561
I'm brushing my teeth.
1217
00:55:16,272 --> 00:55:18,315
And it starts up again in the other room.
1218
00:55:18,315 --> 00:55:20,151
[audience laughing]
1219
00:55:22,028 --> 00:55:24,989
I'm like, "What new knowledge
did you pick up..."
1220
00:55:24,989 --> 00:55:27,992
[audience laughing]
1221
00:55:27,992 --> 00:55:28,993
"...overnight?"
1222
00:55:28,993 --> 00:55:31,704
What did you get?
What could you have picked up?
1223
00:55:31,704 --> 00:55:33,497
Nothing new happened.
1224
00:55:33,497 --> 00:55:35,708
[audience laughing softly]
1225
00:55:38,377 --> 00:55:39,795
But she wants me there.
1226
00:55:41,005 --> 00:55:42,798
She wants me in that conversation.
1227
00:55:43,466 --> 00:55:45,968
Again, doesn't care
about what I have to say.
1228
00:55:45,968 --> 00:55:48,512
Does-- doesn't matter. She wants me there.
1229
00:55:48,512 --> 00:55:51,766
And she tries to get me
snagged into these conversations.
1230
00:55:51,766 --> 00:55:54,185
She'll like lob out half sentences to me.
1231
00:55:54,185 --> 00:55:58,314
That's what she'll do. She'll lob them out
like she fly fishing to try to catch me.
1232
00:55:59,482 --> 00:56:00,649
[loud sigh]
1233
00:56:04,278 --> 00:56:06,822
I sure hope Ellen's gonna be okay.
1234
00:56:06,822 --> 00:56:09,116
[audience laughing]
1235
00:56:20,252 --> 00:56:22,797
I usually let the first one just pass by.
1236
00:56:22,797 --> 00:56:25,132
[audience laughing]
1237
00:56:25,132 --> 00:56:28,052
'Cause if enough time passes,
I can just kinda... [mumbles]
1238
00:56:28,052 --> 00:56:29,929
[audience laughing]
1239
00:56:32,306 --> 00:56:33,808
But there's always a follow-up.
1240
00:56:35,643 --> 00:56:37,603
Sure hope they can work through this.
1241
00:56:38,813 --> 00:56:40,314
Okay, we gotta engage.
1242
00:56:40,314 --> 00:56:42,525
[audience laughing]
1243
00:56:42,525 --> 00:56:44,110
I'm thinking, "What's our plan?"
1244
00:56:44,110 --> 00:56:46,028
Our plan is, we wanna get outta here
as quickly as possible.
1245
00:56:46,028 --> 00:56:47,822
We have so much stuff to do.
1246
00:56:47,822 --> 00:56:49,615
But we can't try
to shorten the conversation.
1247
00:56:49,615 --> 00:56:51,575
We know that, 'cause she'll sense that.
She's good at that.
1248
00:56:51,575 --> 00:56:54,662
And then she'll tack on 45 minutes
just out of spite, so...
1249
00:56:54,662 --> 00:56:56,038
[audience laughing softly]
1250
00:56:56,914 --> 00:56:58,207
What if I steer into it?
1251
00:56:58,207 --> 00:57:00,543
What if I go in the other way?
It's dangerous, but it's--
1252
00:57:00,543 --> 00:57:02,920
Risky move, but it could pay off.
1253
00:57:02,920 --> 00:57:04,964
Let's just go into it and I did it.
1254
00:57:04,964 --> 00:57:06,632
Hey, honey. Yeah.
1255
00:57:07,591 --> 00:57:08,551
Let's do it.
1256
00:57:11,220 --> 00:57:12,263
Let's do what?
1257
00:57:17,101 --> 00:57:19,395
Let's just talk about Helen
all morning long.
1258
00:57:19,395 --> 00:57:20,437
[audience laughing]
1259
00:57:20,437 --> 00:57:24,024
Let's just do it. We'll grab a couple
of beanbag chairs. Put on a pot of coffee.
1260
00:57:24,024 --> 00:57:26,402
We'll sit down.
You tell me everything about Helen
1261
00:57:26,402 --> 00:57:28,237
from conception to this morning.
1262
00:57:28,237 --> 00:57:29,363
[audience laughing]
1263
00:57:29,363 --> 00:57:32,241
Let's do it. Let's just get knee-deep
in Helen. What do you say?
1264
00:57:35,077 --> 00:57:38,497
Okay, first of all, it's Ellen.
It's not Helen. There's no H, okay?
1265
00:57:38,497 --> 00:57:40,708
[audience laughing]
1266
00:57:40,708 --> 00:57:43,043
She's my friend from Pilates
who you don't know.
1267
00:57:43,043 --> 00:57:45,045
She's going through some stuff right now.
1268
00:57:47,840 --> 00:57:50,801
But let's do it.
Let's just do it anyway. I don't care.
1269
00:57:50,801 --> 00:57:52,178
I wanna learn about her.
1270
00:57:52,178 --> 00:57:55,264
And I wanna be here
to learn about her, with you.
1271
00:57:56,891 --> 00:57:57,975
What do you say?
1272
00:57:58,684 --> 00:57:59,560
[loud exhale]
1273
00:58:06,066 --> 00:58:08,485
[audience laughing]
1274
00:58:08,485 --> 00:58:09,737
No.
1275
00:58:09,737 --> 00:58:12,531
I promised her
I wouldn't say anything to anybody.
1276
00:58:12,531 --> 00:58:14,992
[audience laughing]
1277
00:58:17,203 --> 00:58:18,078
Okay.
1278
00:58:18,954 --> 00:58:20,664
I really wanted to be here for you.
I love you.
1279
00:58:20,664 --> 00:58:23,250
I just wanted to let you know that.
I'll see you later, okay.
1280
00:58:23,250 --> 00:58:28,047
[audience cheering and clapping]
1281
00:58:28,047 --> 00:58:30,925
There's always a follow-up.
All right, I'll tell you.
1282
00:58:30,925 --> 00:58:34,470
But you gotta promise me
you're not gonna tell anybody else.
1283
00:58:35,512 --> 00:58:37,973
Promise you? I can't do that.
1284
00:58:37,973 --> 00:58:40,309
What if I'm playing softball
with the guys?
1285
00:58:40,309 --> 00:58:42,937
And we're warming up
and I'm throwing with my buddy
1286
00:58:42,937 --> 00:58:45,898
and he's like, "Hey, anything going on
with your wife's friends at Pilates
1287
00:58:45,898 --> 00:58:47,900
- that I should know about?"
- [audience laughing]
1288
00:58:47,900 --> 00:58:49,860
I can't believe you brought that up.
1289
00:58:49,860 --> 00:58:52,947
Yes. Guys, bring it in.
Everybody, bring it in, both teams.
1290
00:58:52,947 --> 00:58:54,531
Come out of the dugout.
1291
00:58:54,531 --> 00:58:59,745
Everybody, take a knee. I wanna tell you
about my wife's friend Ellen or Helen,
1292
00:58:59,745 --> 00:59:02,873
- who I don't know, from Pilates.
- [audience laughing]
1293
00:59:02,873 --> 00:59:05,376
She's going through some stuff right now.
1294
00:59:05,376 --> 00:59:08,504
No, hands down,
I'll answer questions afterwards.
1295
00:59:08,504 --> 00:59:09,964
[audience laughing]
1296
00:59:09,964 --> 00:59:13,092
You gotta promise me
you're not gonna tell anybody.
1297
00:59:13,092 --> 00:59:16,387
How about I promise you
I'm not listening to a word you're saying
1298
00:59:16,387 --> 00:59:18,013
as you're saying it?
1299
00:59:18,013 --> 00:59:21,433
How about none of your words
are actually reaching my ears?
1300
00:59:21,433 --> 00:59:22,393
Nothing. Nothing.
1301
00:59:22,393 --> 00:59:25,104
They're exploding in the atmosphere
before they reach me
1302
00:59:25,104 --> 00:59:28,065
like a fourth of July party, like...
[soft popping sounds]
1303
00:59:28,065 --> 00:59:30,734
I can't believe... [popping sounds]
1304
00:59:30,734 --> 00:59:32,820
I can't believe she named...
[popping sounds]
1305
00:59:32,820 --> 00:59:35,948
And I told her her coworkers...
[popping sounds]
1306
00:59:35,948 --> 00:59:38,075
I'm getting none of this. [popping sounds]
1307
00:59:38,075 --> 00:59:39,827
I'm getting none of it. [popping sounds]
1308
00:59:39,827 --> 00:59:42,079
I didn't even know
you were taking Pilates.
1309
00:59:42,079 --> 00:59:44,456
- [popping sounds]
- [audience laughing]
1310
00:59:44,456 --> 00:59:47,501
Just gotta beat her at her own game.
That's all you gotta do.
1311
00:59:47,501 --> 00:59:51,171
Fourteen. What?
1312
00:59:51,171 --> 00:59:55,175
That's how many tater tots I think
I can fit my mouth without dropping any.
1313
00:59:55,175 --> 00:59:57,928
You guys are the greatest!
God bless you all!
1314
00:59:58,429 --> 01:00:00,931
♪ I'm a natural born killer ♪
1315
01:00:00,931 --> 01:00:03,934
[audience cheering and clapping]
1316
01:00:13,277 --> 01:00:15,487
{\an8}♪ I'm a natural born ♪
1317
01:00:16,071 --> 01:00:17,197
{\an8}♪ Take this ♪
1318
01:00:18,115 --> 01:00:19,325
{\an8}♪ Hopeless ♪
1319
01:00:19,908 --> 01:00:22,619
{\an8}♪ Broken soul of this ♪
1320
01:00:23,203 --> 01:00:24,371
{\an8}♪ Remote control ♪
1321
01:00:25,331 --> 01:00:26,457
{\an8}♪ Plot twist ♪
1322
01:00:26,457 --> 01:00:30,336
{\an8}♪ A whole generation lost
With no promise ♪
1323
01:00:30,336 --> 01:00:32,796
{\an8}♪ Can you feel my love ♪
1324
01:00:34,173 --> 01:00:36,342
{\an8}♪ Do you know my pain ♪
1325
01:00:37,634 --> 01:00:40,763
{\an8}♪ It's in my head every night I replay ♪
1326
01:00:40,763 --> 01:00:42,306
{\an8}♪ A deadly game ♪
1327
01:00:42,306 --> 01:00:45,392
{\an8}♪ For a natural born killer ♪
1328
01:00:49,563 --> 01:00:53,525
{\an8}♪ I'm a natural born killer ♪
1329
01:00:57,488 --> 01:01:00,282
{\an8}♪ Natural born killer ♪
1330
01:01:00,282 --> 01:01:01,575
{\an8}♪ Okay ♪
1331
01:01:02,242 --> 01:01:03,619
{\an8}♪ It's game face ♪
1332
01:01:04,203 --> 01:01:05,662
{\an8}♪ Go time ♪
1333
01:01:05,662 --> 01:01:07,164
{\an8}♪ Don't play ♪
1334
01:01:07,956 --> 01:01:09,249
{\an8}♪ Never stand ♪
1335
01:01:09,833 --> 01:01:11,460
{\an8}♪ In place ♪
1336
01:01:11,460 --> 01:01:14,630
{\an8}♪ Just move, so don't wait ♪
1337
01:01:15,130 --> 01:01:16,507
{\an8}♪ 'Cause all day ♪
1338
01:01:17,132 --> 01:01:18,384
{\an8}♪ They'll say ♪
1339
01:01:18,967 --> 01:01:20,135
{\an8}♪ Nice work ♪
1340
01:01:20,719 --> 01:01:22,096
{\an8}♪ But no pay ♪
1341
01:01:22,679 --> 01:01:23,889
{\an8}♪ Good game ♪
1342
01:01:24,556 --> 01:01:25,682
{\an8}♪ Pump fame ♪
1343
01:01:26,350 --> 01:01:27,476
{\an8}♪ Reach out ♪
1344
01:01:28,143 --> 01:01:29,478
{\an8}♪ Touch faith ♪
1345
01:01:29,478 --> 01:01:31,855
{\an8}♪ Can you feel my heart ♪
1346
01:01:33,440 --> 01:01:35,442
{\an8}♪ Do you know my name ♪
1347
01:01:36,819 --> 01:01:39,363
{\an8}♪ Can you feel my love ♪
1348
01:01:40,781 --> 01:01:42,991
{\an8}♪ Do you know my pain ♪