1
00:00:06,799 --> 00:00:10,010
♪ <i>I've been having dreams
About falling in love</i> ♪

2
00:00:10,094 --> 00:00:13,931
[audience cheering and whistling]

3
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,683
♪ <i>It feels so real</i> ♪

4
00:00:15,766 --> 00:00:18,894
♪ <i>But nobody is here when I wake up</i> ♪

5
00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:23,190
♪ <i>Do you know my name</i> ♪

6
00:00:30,614 --> 00:00:32,950
♪ <i>The devil's in the detail</i> ♪

7
00:00:34,869 --> 00:00:38,330
♪ <i>I'm a natural born killer</i> ♪

8
00:00:38,414 --> 00:00:41,208
[audience continues cheering]

9
00:00:49,759 --> 00:00:52,428
♪ <i>I'm a natural born</i> ♪

10
00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:57,558
♪ <i>Take this hopeless broken soul</i> ♪

11
00:00:57,641 --> 00:01:01,687
♪ <i>Of this remote control</i> ♪

12
00:01:02,188 --> 00:01:03,606
♪ <i>Plot twist</i> ♪

13
00:01:03,689 --> 00:01:07,443
♪ <i>A whole generation lost
With no promise</i> ♪

14
00:01:07,526 --> 00:01:10,237
♪ <i>Can you feel my love</i> ♪

15
00:01:10,863 --> 00:01:13,407
♪ <i>Do you know my pain</i> ♪

16
00:01:14,658 --> 00:01:17,495
♪ <i>It's in my head every night on replay</i> ♪

17
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,246
♪ <i>A deadly game</i> ♪

18
00:01:19,330 --> 00:01:22,833
♪ <i>For a natural born killer</i> ♪

19
00:01:27,046 --> 00:01:30,257
♪ <i>I'm a natural born killer</i> ♪

20
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:37,223
♪ <i>Natural born killer</i> ♪

21
00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:40,226
♪ <i>Okay, game face</i> ♪

22
00:01:40,893 --> 00:01:43,771
♪ <i>Go time, don't play</i> ♪

23
00:01:48,901 --> 00:01:50,027
That was for you.

24
00:01:51,529 --> 00:01:54,323
That was my gift for you.

25
00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:56,659
Yeah.

26
00:01:58,494 --> 00:02:01,038
Gonna be honest,
gave you a little too much.

27
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,498
[audience laughing]

28
00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:05,042
I never go that long.
That was little longer

29
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,837
than I expected. I got a little excited.

30
00:02:08,379 --> 00:02:10,756
We're gonna bring it down.

31
00:02:12,675 --> 00:02:14,009
'Cause everything hurts.

32
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:15,594
Everything hurts.

33
00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:20,099
Last week I woke up,
I asked my wife, "Hey."

34
00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:22,309
"Did I play rugby yesterday?"

35
00:02:22,393 --> 00:02:23,853
[audience laughing]

36
00:02:24,979 --> 00:02:27,648
She's like, "No,
you shook a can of paint for me."

37
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:29,692
[audience laughing]

38
00:02:31,235 --> 00:02:34,488
She was right.
This is all I did. This was it.

39
00:02:34,572 --> 00:02:37,324
Because it was outside
of my every day body movements,

40
00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:38,450
I don't do this.

41
00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:40,035
I felt it the day after.

42
00:02:40,119 --> 00:02:41,328
I'm gonna feel this tomorrow

43
00:02:41,412 --> 00:02:43,247
'cause I just did this
for you guys right now.

44
00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:46,959
It wasn't even a big can.
I'm talking the little Häagen-Dazs size.

45
00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:48,752
[audience laughing]

46
00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:54,133
Body's falling apart.

47
00:02:54,216 --> 00:02:56,343
Falling apart. It's horrible.

48
00:02:56,427 --> 00:02:59,263
When to the doctor to get checked out.
He said, "Everything's really good.

49
00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:02,182
I do wanna let you know
that you are prediabetic."

50
00:03:03,017 --> 00:03:05,019
I was like, "Hmm, all right?"

51
00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:07,938
[scoffs] Who isn't, right?
I mean, come on.

52
00:03:08,022 --> 00:03:10,316
[audience laughing]

53
00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:15,279
Why would you even tell me that?

54
00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:19,658
Do I have diabetes? He goes, "No."

55
00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:24,079
[audience laughing]

56
00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:28,083
But I could get diabetes?

57
00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:29,543
He goes, "Yes."

58
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:32,087
Okay.

59
00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,301
Do you have diabetes?

60
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:39,053
[audience laughing]

61
00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:40,888
He goes, "No."

62
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:43,557
I go, "But could you get diabetes?"

63
00:03:43,641 --> 00:03:45,309
[audience laughing]

64
00:03:46,268 --> 00:03:47,394
He said, "I guess so."

65
00:03:47,478 --> 00:03:49,813
I go, "Let me tell you something,
you're prediabetic."

66
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,815
[audience laughing and clapping]

67
00:03:56,362 --> 00:03:58,572
No charge. That's on the house.

68
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:01,742
Are you alive? Yeah.

69
00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:03,911
You're also pre-dead. Sorry about that.

70
00:04:05,037 --> 00:04:06,705
We're all gonna die.

71
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,043
Pre... Prediabetes.

72
00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:14,171
If I have diabetes, tell me.
I'll change the way I eat.

73
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,590
What's with the "pre"?
That's how this world operates. "Pre."

74
00:04:16,674 --> 00:04:17,633
Fear.

75
00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:18,592
You might.

76
00:04:18,676 --> 00:04:20,803
Almost, you don't know.
Scan. Check. Pre-scan.

77
00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:22,471
What? Huh? Yeah.

78
00:04:23,347 --> 00:04:24,556
Everything's fear.

79
00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:27,518
Did you hear about Julie?
No, what's the matter with Julie?

80
00:04:28,519 --> 00:04:30,187
She's borderline anemic.

81
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:33,565
[audience laughing]

82
00:04:33,649 --> 00:04:34,650
Julie has anemia?

83
00:04:34,733 --> 00:04:37,111
No. She's borderline. She's close.

84
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:39,071
[audience laughing]

85
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:45,119
So Julie's anemic?
No, she's not anemic at all.

86
00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:48,706
Here's the line if you would have anemia,
you would be on this side of the line.

87
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,124
And if you don't have anemia,

88
00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:51,959
you're on this side with everybody else.

89
00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:54,128
Julie is on this side with everybody else.

90
00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:56,213
She's just slightly ahead of us all,

91
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:59,258
closer to the line
where she would have it if she did.

92
00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:00,968
But she doesn't.

93
00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:01,927
She's closer.

94
00:05:02,011 --> 00:05:05,014
She's like in the whoa,
you better watch out soon area,

95
00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:05,973
like maybe.

96
00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:07,683
[audience laughing]

97
00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:11,562
So, what do you want me to do?

98
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,856
There's nothing you can do.
She doesn't have it.

99
00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:15,983
[audience laughing]

100
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,494
Then why are you telling me?

101
00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:29,413
I just thought you might want
a little more anxiety

102
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:32,499
added onto your plate with everything else
that's going on the world.

103
00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:33,876
[audience laughing]

104
00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:36,378
You know, just think about Julie, right?

105
00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:39,089
Prayers for Julie,
you know what I'm saying?

106
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:44,053
I mean, how does she do it?
How does she wake up every day?

107
00:05:44,553 --> 00:05:47,431
To face another sunrise,
trudging through the day,

108
00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:50,934
knowing that she almost has something
that she doesn't even have.

109
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,145
[audience laughing]

110
00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:55,814
She's so close
to almost having something that,

111
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:59,151
even if she did, it would be that bad.
'Cause...

112
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:03,030
She could clear it up with some red meat
and a little B12.

113
00:06:03,113 --> 00:06:04,406
[audience laughing]

114
00:06:05,074 --> 00:06:08,786
She, she almost has it, man.

115
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,496
[audience clapping]

116
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:12,790
She's there. She's in trenches with this.

117
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,042
She has two kids. What does she tell them?

118
00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:19,880
How do they grow up knowing that
they have a mother that's gonna be fine?

119
00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:22,132
[audience laughing]

120
00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:28,680
Everything is fear.

121
00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:30,891
It's pre-fear.

122
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,726
Fear. You don't know.

123
00:06:33,936 --> 00:06:35,854
Fear. We have nothing to be afraid of.

124
00:06:35,938 --> 00:06:37,731
We have nothing to be afraid of.

125
00:06:37,815 --> 00:06:38,690
We really don't.

126
00:06:38,774 --> 00:06:40,609
- We... Yeah. Yes.
- [audience whoops]

127
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:42,361
Nothing.

128
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:47,491
We live in the safest times
in all of human history.

129
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:50,536
We have nothing to fear.
We are so blessed.

130
00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:54,123
We are... You know
who had something to be afraid of?

131
00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:57,459
Men fighting in the Revolutionary War.
How about them?

132
00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,753
Or the Civil War, right?

133
00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:01,463
That's fear.

134
00:07:01,547 --> 00:07:03,632
Right? Brother against brother.

135
00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:05,217
Across an open field.

136
00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:07,761
Chance of survival is minimal.

137
00:07:08,637 --> 00:07:10,639
And you're the guy carrying the flag.

138
00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:13,684
[audience laughing]

139
00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:19,940
That's fear.

140
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,902
They're handing out muskets...

141
00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:25,445
[audience laughing]

142
00:07:26,488 --> 00:07:28,365
...and you get the flag.

143
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,325
[audience laughing]

144
00:07:31,869 --> 00:07:33,537
Yeah, I'd like a musket, please.

145
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:36,582
Uh, sorry, we're all out.
I can give you the flag.

146
00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:38,167
[audience laughing]

147
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:39,293
What do I do with that?

148
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:42,296
Well, you see those
line of guys over there,

149
00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:43,839
with muskets, across that field?

150
00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:46,717
You stand in front of them.
You get right in front of them.

151
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,094
And you give it a little of this.
You just got...

152
00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:51,847
[audience laughing]

153
00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:54,683
You want me to raise our symbol,

154
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,560
show the enemy exactly where to aim?

155
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,395
That's what they did. They didn't care.

156
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,397
They had courage back then.

157
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,481
Out in front.

158
00:08:01,565 --> 00:08:04,026
Do it. Let's do it. Get it up there. Yes!

159
00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:05,110
Waving that flag.

160
00:08:05,194 --> 00:08:06,320
Be aggressive.

161
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:07,613
B-E aggressive.

162
00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:10,949
B-E-A-G-R-G-I-G-F-E Aggressive!

163
00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:12,367
They didn't care.

164
00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:14,369
[soft popping sounds]

165
00:08:14,453 --> 00:08:16,788
[audience laughing]

166
00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:20,959
[soft popping sounds]

167
00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:23,962
[soft popping sound]

168
00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:26,089
Aggressive.

169
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,382
[soft popping sound]

170
00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:34,014
[soft popping sounds, grunting]

171
00:08:35,641 --> 00:08:37,893
I'd be waving that thing so low profile...

172
00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,394
[audience laughing]

173
00:08:39,478 --> 00:08:42,814
They'd be like, "Get that flag up!
Let them know who we are!"

174
00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:44,441
[audience laughing]

175
00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:50,364
[audience cheering and clapping]

176
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:03,043
I'd be like, "I don't want the flag.
Do you have a bayonet?"

177
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:07,172
"No, I got a snare drum and drum sticks.
You want that?"

178
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:09,800
That's even worse.

179
00:09:10,425 --> 00:09:12,636
[imitates drum roll]

180
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:15,389
Fire that thing up!
Let them know we're coming!

181
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:20,811
- [imitates drum roll]
- [audience laughing]

182
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:26,817
Play that thing!
I'm playing it, I'm playing it.

183
00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:30,279
I'd take out the brushes
if I could, right?

184
00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:33,573
- [imitates brushing a drum]
- [audience laughing]

185
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:39,413
We have nothing to be afraid of.

186
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:43,041
We, we find things to be afraid of. We do.

187
00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:46,211
Food companies know we're afraid.
They know it.

188
00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:48,714
That's why they're trying
to make all their food sound healthy.

189
00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:50,299
They market it that way.

190
00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:52,426
Have a box of Cheerios.

191
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:56,346
My Cheerios says "may lower cholesterol"
on the box.

192
00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,933
Cheerios may lower cholesterol.

193
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,060
You know what I know about Cheerios

194
00:10:02,144 --> 00:10:04,521
when it says "may lower cholesterol"
on the box?

195
00:10:05,022 --> 00:10:07,399
I know that Cheerios
doesn't lower cholesterol.

196
00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:08,900
[audience laughing]

197
00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,612
'Cause if it did, it would say
"Cheerios lowers cholesterol",

198
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:13,739
but it says "may."

199
00:10:14,156 --> 00:10:15,032
It says "may."

200
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,242
So they, either, honestly,
they don't know,

201
00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:21,913
or they had the laziest scientists
in the history of the world

202
00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:23,874
working down at the Cheerio factory.

203
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:27,294
Where they just come in every day,
"Hey, Wendell, how's it going?

204
00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:30,672
Just checking to see where we stand
with the whole cholesterol thing."

205
00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:34,051
Can we put that
Cheerios lowers cholesterol on the box?

206
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:37,095
Yeah, I wouldn't. Yeah.
I would just stick with "may."

207
00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:38,347
[audience laughing]

208
00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:40,057
Just go with "may."
You haven't figured it out?

209
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,809
No, we're trying to. We're plugging away,
but there's a lot of stuff going on.

210
00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:44,144
I got a phone call earlier.

211
00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:45,812
I gotta take my daughter to soccer.

212
00:10:45,896 --> 00:10:47,647
There's things getting involved here,
you know.

213
00:10:47,731 --> 00:10:48,607
Just go with "may."

214
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:49,941
Put "may." "May lower cholesterol."

215
00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:51,193
They're not gonna know. Put "may."

216
00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:52,402
They'll think it lowers.

217
00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:55,238
You don't know. I don't even know.
So how are they gonna know?

218
00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:57,366
You don't know that it couldn't, right?

219
00:10:57,449 --> 00:10:58,325
Put that.

220
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,869
Cheerios, you don't know
that it couldn't lower cholesterol.

221
00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:02,412
[audience laughing]

222
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:10,295
Put "definitely should lower cholesterol,
Cheerios."

223
00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:12,214
[audience laughing]

224
00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:16,468
I don't trust anybody.
I don't trust the food companies.

225
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,178
I don't trust my phone.

226
00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:19,971
I don't trust Siri. Do you trust Siri?

227
00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:23,517
Let me tell you, Siri is listening to you
every second of the day.

228
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,602
[audience laughing]

229
00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:27,771
I can't stand that.

230
00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:29,189
You ever download an app?

231
00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:30,315
And it starts asking you questions,

232
00:11:30,399 --> 00:11:33,276
"Hey, do you mind if I share information
with your other apps?"

233
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:36,154
Yes, I mind. How do you even know him?

234
00:11:36,238 --> 00:11:37,489
What the hell is going on?

235
00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:38,949
[audience laughing]

236
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,493
They're all up to something, those apps.
You know it.

237
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:42,786
That's their goal.

238
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:44,830
They wanna stay on your phone
as long as possible.

239
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:45,831
That's why it's so hard to delete an app.

240
00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:47,040
You ever tried to delete an app?

241
00:11:47,124 --> 00:11:50,001
You gotta do that hard press
on the phone, first of all.

242
00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,753
All the apps start shaking.

243
00:11:51,837 --> 00:11:54,506
[audience laughing and clapping]

244
00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:02,973
Oh, they know somebody's going.
They know this.

245
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,808
[audience laughing]

246
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,271
This is judgement day for one of them.

247
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,399
Looking around,
seeing what each other did.

248
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,109
You know, thinking about who's going.

249
00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:16,236
That's why they make
that little x so small.

250
00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:17,821
It's small in the corner.

251
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:19,781
'Cause you can't get it
with your fat thumb

252
00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:22,451
and you hit anywhere else on the screen
and everything settles.

253
00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,286
And they're like... [exhales]

254
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:28,290
And then you gotta fire it up again
and they're like, "Oh, my gosh.

255
00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:30,292
This guy is relentless."

256
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:32,919
They're thinking about what they did.

257
00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:35,922
Oh, he's definitely getting rid of me.
It's not you, it's me.

258
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,717
I haven't learned Spanish in 30 days.

259
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,427
[audience laughing]

260
00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:41,887
This idiot couldn't learn Spanish

261
00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:44,431
if he was raised in Guatemala
for 30 years.

262
00:12:44,514 --> 00:12:45,932
[audience laughing]

263
00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:49,519
It's why it's so hard dragging an app.

264
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:51,062
You ever tried to drag an app
from another page?

265
00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:52,314
It's like, nope.

266
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:54,733
[audience laughing]

267
00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:55,692
Nope.

268
00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:57,360
I like page five.

269
00:12:57,444 --> 00:13:00,739
[audience laughing]

270
00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:05,619
I don't trust doctors.
Do you trust doctors?

271
00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:07,746
- I don't trust doctors, no.
- [audience] No!

272
00:13:07,829 --> 00:13:10,332
They're killing people
who don't need to die.

273
00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:12,042
I read this one story.

274
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,794
This one woman, she was comatose.
She was in the hospital.

275
00:13:14,878 --> 00:13:17,923
And she came back to life
and started breathing again

276
00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:20,759
moments after her family pulled the plug.

277
00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:24,179
Is that a good story?

278
00:13:24,262 --> 00:13:25,680
[audience laughing]

279
00:13:25,764 --> 00:13:27,265
Yeah, I mean, she's living.

280
00:13:27,349 --> 00:13:29,059
That's good. She's back to life.

281
00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:33,563
That'd make for some
pretty uncomfortable conversation

282
00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:34,856
in that hospital room.

283
00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:36,650
[audience laughing]

284
00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:39,277
Right after, when she came back.
Like, she, whoa!

285
00:13:40,278 --> 00:13:41,821
This is amazing!

286
00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:44,783
I can't believe you all were here
waiting for me.

287
00:13:44,866 --> 00:13:46,826
My family. I love you so much.

288
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,663
What have you guys been up to?

289
00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:54,167
[audience laughing]

290
00:13:54,251 --> 00:13:55,794
Uh, nothing, Mom, nothing.

291
00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:58,213
You weren't, uh, looking so good, Mom.

292
00:13:58,296 --> 00:14:00,715
Frankie, unplug your iPhone,
you're at 85%, unplug it.

293
00:14:00,799 --> 00:14:02,968
[audience laughing]

294
00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:06,304
How're you feeling, Mom? How you feeling?

295
00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:08,932
I feel wonderful.
My side hurts a little bit.

296
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:11,768
Yeah, that's 'cause we've already
donated all your organs.

297
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,228
[audience laughing]

298
00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:15,021
They're coming at three for your eyes.

299
00:14:15,105 --> 00:14:17,148
We should get a family photo
before they pluck the eyes.

300
00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:19,609
Let's get a family photo.
Mom, get in here.

301
00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:22,696
Before we're looking at
two black, empty sockets. Let's go.

302
00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:25,156
[audience laughing]

303
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,617
Only God pulls the plug on me.

304
00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:30,203
I tell my family all the time.
Absolutely, yes.

305
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:31,913
I don't care.

306
00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:32,998
He created me.

307
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,708
He can take me out whenever He wants.

308
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:37,252
Is it a matter of money? So what?
Have a garage sale.

309
00:14:37,335 --> 00:14:38,837
[audience laughing]

310
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:41,047
So the kids don't go to college?
Who cares?

311
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:43,133
Let's be honest,

312
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:44,551
they weren't going anyway.

313
00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:46,469
[audience laughing]

314
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,555
Keep the big man breathing.
Do whatever you gotta do.

315
00:14:48,638 --> 00:14:50,307
I tell them all the time. I don't care.

316
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,935
At some point, there's gonna be that woman
that walks in the room.

317
00:14:54,019 --> 00:14:55,312
There's always... You know what?

318
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,606
Kevin would not want to live this way.

319
00:14:57,689 --> 00:14:59,983
You falcon-punch that witch
right in the throat.

320
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,860
- [audience laughing]
- You just grab her and...

321
00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:03,403
Stomp her, right there.

322
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:05,113
[audience cheering and clapping]

323
00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,281
Double strike her.

324
00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:10,076
How about you don't wanna live.
Who's that lady killing people?

325
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,704
Just walking in,
"He would not wanna go on.

326
00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:14,456
He would not wanna do it.

327
00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:15,915
There's no quality of life."

328
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:17,167
Hi-ya!

329
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:19,753
[audience laughing]

330
00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:27,177
I had a close call too,
about five years ago.

331
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,804
I was, uh, driving home from a show

332
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:33,016
and I hit a deer on the highway.

333
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,017
It was pretty scary.

334
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,311
It was a horrible experience,
wrecked my truck.

335
00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:39,397
I was on the side of the road,
pretty shaken up.

336
00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:40,857
Filling out the police report.

337
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:43,568
She was asking me questions
and the officer was like,

338
00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:46,988
"What happened? The deer just, uh,
jumped out in front of you?"

339
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:48,865
I was like, "What?"

340
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,700
[audience laughing]

341
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,036
She was like, "Did it just
jump out in front of you?"

342
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:57,874
[audience laughing]

343
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,210
I was like, "No, no, it waved me over."

344
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,754
- Um...
- [audience laughing]

345
00:16:02,837 --> 00:16:05,298
I was barreling down the road
about 90 miles and hour

346
00:16:05,382 --> 00:16:07,384
and I was like, is that a deer
calling over with its hoof?

347
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,344
- Sure enough, it was.
- [audience laughing]

348
00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:10,929
I pulled over to the side.

349
00:16:11,012 --> 00:16:12,097
I was like, "What's up?"

350
00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:14,683
He's like, "You're doing like 90."
And I'm like, "Okay, that's my business.

351
00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:15,850
What do you care?"

352
00:16:15,934 --> 00:16:17,519
He's like, "I know you got kids at home."

353
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:20,271
He knew my kids by name,
which freaked me out.

354
00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:21,940
I'm like, I'm not gonna
talk to this guy anymore.

355
00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:22,941
I don't need this.

356
00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:23,942
I'm outta here.

357
00:16:24,025 --> 00:16:26,611
He's like, "Hold up. Hold up. I'm sorry."

358
00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:28,196
He said, "I'm sorry.

359
00:16:28,279 --> 00:16:30,990
Let's started over. We'll hug it out."
And I'm like,

360
00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:33,702
that's pretty cool,
a deer who's about forgiveness.

361
00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:35,286
[audience laughing]

362
00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:37,914
I said okay, and go to hug him
and he goes to hug me,

363
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,874
and he goes, "What's that?"
and he points to my shirt.

364
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,376
I go, "What's what?" I look down,

365
00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:43,044
and he did that move in my face...

366
00:16:43,128 --> 00:16:45,046
[audience laughing]

367
00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:46,423
He goes, "I know where you live."

368
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:48,633
Then he ran into the woods.
I got back in my truck

369
00:16:48,717 --> 00:16:50,260
and I started chasing him.

370
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,137
But I couldn't get through
the thick trees,

371
00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:54,055
so I got out and camped out overnight.

372
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:55,807
- [audience laughing]
- And I waited.

373
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:57,100
The next morning, I saw him.

374
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:58,476
He was talking to a bunch of other deer.

375
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,019
I army crawled over to him.

376
00:17:00,103 --> 00:17:03,398
And I put blueberries on my face
all Rambo style.

377
00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:04,733
He didn't even see me.

378
00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:06,735
I jumped on top of him.
I sank my hooks in.

379
00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:09,779
I slit his throat and he bled out
right there on the spot.

380
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,282
Then I dragged him, like a mile.

381
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,993
[audience laughing]

382
00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:19,414
Mile and a half, back to the highway
and I threw him on the hood of my truck.

383
00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:21,624
[audience laughing]

384
00:17:24,294 --> 00:17:27,130
[audience cheering and clapping]

385
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:35,930
And that's when you showed up.

386
00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:38,975
[audience laughing]

387
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:41,978
So, no, he did not just jump out
in front of me.

388
00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:44,773
This was premeditated deer murder.

389
00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:46,399
[audience laughing]

390
00:17:46,483 --> 00:17:48,276
Can't talk about my kids.

391
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:51,571
I have four kids.

392
00:17:51,654 --> 00:17:53,364
Any parents? Lot of parents out there?

393
00:17:53,448 --> 00:17:54,949
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.

394
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:56,951
Yeah.

395
00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:02,290
Trying to be a good dad, it's, uh,
it's tough, man. It's really hard.

396
00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:05,251
These, these times,
it's difficult, you know.

397
00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:08,713
I'm really having a tough time
trying to motivate my kids.

398
00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:11,800
And, I don't know, like,
I don't know, is it me

399
00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:14,427
or is it, like, all parents? I don't know.

400
00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:17,263
Are your kids lethargic?

401
00:18:17,347 --> 00:18:19,474
[audience laughing]

402
00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:23,561
'Cause I got a slug farm at my house.

403
00:18:23,645 --> 00:18:24,854
- I really...
- [audience laughing]

404
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,565
My kids don't even get dressed anymore.

405
00:18:27,649 --> 00:18:30,068
They just get up from bed
with the blanket.

406
00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:31,820
They have a blanket on them.

407
00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:34,322
They light up their iPad,
it illuminates their face,

408
00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:36,282
and they just shuffle, shuffle.

409
00:18:36,366 --> 00:18:39,869
Like some weird sand creature
in a Star Wars movie.

410
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:44,082
Past each other and past me.
No one talks anymore.

411
00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:47,001
[audience laughing]

412
00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:49,170
My son's the worst,
always on the video games.

413
00:18:49,254 --> 00:18:53,967
I was like, "Hey, we can't do this, man.
Let's get some activity, you know."

414
00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:56,970
I went up to him and said, "Hey. Buddy.

415
00:18:57,053 --> 00:19:00,890
Listen, let's, let's grab a football
and, uh, call all your friends.

416
00:19:00,974 --> 00:19:04,060
We'll get on our bikes
and we'll ride over to the field.

417
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:08,773
Grab some cones, we'll set up outlines
and touchdowns and all the stuff.

418
00:19:08,857 --> 00:19:10,942
We'll, we'll have a great, great game.

419
00:19:11,025 --> 00:19:12,861
Awesome game. Maybe two.

420
00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:15,446
We'll wait there till the lights come on
in the parking lot.

421
00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:18,783
We'll play a night game as well.
We'll just have a blast.

422
00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:22,161
And he just looked over to me
and said, "I'm good."

423
00:19:22,245 --> 00:19:24,581
[audience laughing]

424
00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:28,918
That was it.

425
00:19:29,794 --> 00:19:32,005
My wife goes, "Just take the video games
away from him."

426
00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:33,339
That's a great idea. And I did.

427
00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:35,300
We took our video games away
from all our kids.

428
00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:36,718
All the video games were done.

429
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:38,678
Take them away from your kids. Yes.

430
00:19:38,761 --> 00:19:42,348
- Yeah, we did it.
- [audience cheering and clapping]

431
00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:43,975
You gotta do it. We have to do it.

432
00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:46,936
It helped. It was awesome right away.

433
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:51,107
First of all, the girls, my daughters,
their life got so much better immediately.

434
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:54,527
They were seeing friends and reading.
They didn't even care.

435
00:19:55,278 --> 00:19:57,530
My son had a tough time. He did.

436
00:19:57,614 --> 00:20:00,283
Yeah, he was having...
Especially, couple days in,

437
00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:03,661
he started getting all shifty-eyed
and stuff, looking at me just...

438
00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:06,372
[audience laughing]

439
00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:09,751
Little shaky leg. He was like an addict.
He was really just kinda like...

440
00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:12,086
[audience laughing]

441
00:20:15,006 --> 00:20:17,675
I could tell he was having a tough time.
He was...

442
00:20:17,759 --> 00:20:20,094
[audience laughing]

443
00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:28,811
[clears throat]

444
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:32,857
Yo. Dad, yo, can I talk to you?
Can I talk to your for a second?

445
00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:34,567
- [audience laughing]
- Yo.

446
00:20:34,651 --> 00:20:37,904
C-Come over here, Brody.
Let me talk to you for a second.

447
00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:40,073
Get away from Mom for just a second.

448
00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:42,283
[audience laughing]

449
00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:44,827
You gotta give me something
to take the edge off.

450
00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:46,496
Give me a little something,
a little brain tickler.

451
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:49,290
Give me a little brain tickler.
You got some Mario?

452
00:20:49,374 --> 00:20:52,168
[audience laughing]

453
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,879
I was like, "No. No games, that's it."

454
00:20:54,963 --> 00:20:56,965
Okay, God bless you, sir.
You have a good day.

455
00:20:57,048 --> 00:20:58,633
[audience laughing]

456
00:20:58,716 --> 00:21:01,177
You have a great day.
God bless you, sir. I love you.

457
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:04,472
God bless you. God loves you.
You have a good day.

458
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,767
Next day he came by, same thing.

459
00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:10,853
He's a little manipulative too.
You gotta watch out for him.

460
00:21:10,937 --> 00:21:14,399
I don't know what he was trying to do.
He was like, "Hey, how about this, Dad?"

461
00:21:14,482 --> 00:21:15,358
[clears throat]

462
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:20,029
What if I got, like, a... an Oculus?

463
00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:24,450
I didn't know what an Oculus is.
Do you know? I didn't even know.

464
00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:27,078
I had no idea. It's the virtual reality,
if you don't know.

465
00:21:27,161 --> 00:21:30,164
The goggles.
You put these big goggles on your face.

466
00:21:30,248 --> 00:21:32,125
And you're in virtual reality.

467
00:21:32,208 --> 00:21:33,960
I was like, "Is it games?"
He goes, "Yeah."

468
00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:36,921
I'm like, "No, you can't have it.
That's it, no games."

469
00:21:37,005 --> 00:21:39,841
He goes, "But you don't understand.
These are active games."

470
00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:43,177
I go, "What do you mean?"
He goes, "Oh, it's unbelievable.

471
00:21:43,261 --> 00:21:46,305
They have a boxing game
where you can fight like Rocky

472
00:21:46,389 --> 00:21:49,308
or like, you know,
Apollo Creed or Mohammad Ali.

473
00:21:49,392 --> 00:21:52,228
It's, like, 12 rounds.
And you have, like, hand weights.

474
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:54,814
You're boxing the whole time.
You're sweating like crazy.

475
00:21:54,897 --> 00:21:56,107
It's amazing."

476
00:21:56,190 --> 00:21:59,485
He goes, "There's a dance cardio game
where you're, like, going crazy.

477
00:22:00,778 --> 00:22:02,697
Your heart rate goes through the roof.

478
00:22:02,780 --> 00:22:04,532
They also have a warrior game.

479
00:22:04,615 --> 00:22:06,743
There's a warrior game, Dad,
you wouldn't believe it.

480
00:22:06,826 --> 00:22:09,370
You're going through this village
just wielding a sword.

481
00:22:09,454 --> 00:22:12,623
It's like a crazy shoulder delt workout
the whole time.

482
00:22:12,707 --> 00:22:13,583
Everybody's doing it.

483
00:22:13,666 --> 00:22:15,752
All my friends,
everybody is just working out like crazy.

484
00:22:15,835 --> 00:22:17,086
And here's the best part,

485
00:22:17,170 --> 00:22:20,006
even if it's raining outside or snowing,
doesn't matter.

486
00:22:20,089 --> 00:22:22,300
'Cause you get your workout in.
It's awesome."

487
00:22:23,009 --> 00:22:26,095
[audience softly laughing]

488
00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:28,931
I was like, "I don't know. I don't know."

489
00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:32,477
I started thinking about it.
I'd rather you be outside doing stuff,

490
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,354
but maybe this is a step
in the right direction.

491
00:22:35,438 --> 00:22:37,607
So I said, "All right,
let's get the Oculus."

492
00:22:37,690 --> 00:22:39,734
And I got him the Oculus.

493
00:22:39,817 --> 00:22:41,444
- [audience whooping]
- Yeah.

494
00:22:42,737 --> 00:22:44,781
Wanna tell you how it went down.

495
00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:47,241
[audience laughing]

496
00:22:47,325 --> 00:22:49,077
First day, he gets the Oculus.

497
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,413
I wake up,
I go downstairs into the kitchen.

498
00:22:52,497 --> 00:22:55,374
He's already got it on.
He's just standing there in the kitchen.

499
00:22:55,458 --> 00:22:57,960
Big, fat goggles on his face, just...

500
00:22:58,044 --> 00:23:00,129
[audience laughing]

501
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:05,093
Zero movement.

502
00:23:05,176 --> 00:23:06,803
Zero movement. Just standing there.

503
00:23:07,470 --> 00:23:09,430
I'm watching him.
He doesn't know I'm there.

504
00:23:09,514 --> 00:23:11,724
I walk in. I'm like, "What is this?"

505
00:23:11,808 --> 00:23:14,811
This is the Oculus? This is it?
And he's just there.

506
00:23:16,479 --> 00:23:18,231
I watch and I'm getting a little upset,

507
00:23:18,314 --> 00:23:20,691
but then he starts to move
and I go, "Here we go."

508
00:23:21,651 --> 00:23:23,486
He backs up a little bit.
I'm like, "Whoa."

509
00:23:23,569 --> 00:23:25,530
He doesn't even know I'm there.

510
00:23:25,613 --> 00:23:28,533
He reaches under.
He feels under the kitchen counter.

511
00:23:28,616 --> 00:23:30,243
And he gets a stool.

512
00:23:30,326 --> 00:23:32,286
[audience laughing]

513
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:35,665
And he sits down.

514
00:23:39,335 --> 00:23:41,796
[audience laughing]

515
00:23:43,339 --> 00:23:45,424
Now I'm really getting upset. 'Cause...

516
00:23:46,217 --> 00:23:48,427
he doesn't look
like he's fighting Apollo Creed.

517
00:23:48,511 --> 00:23:49,762
[audience laughing]

518
00:23:49,846 --> 00:23:51,764
I wanna give him the benefit of the doubt.

519
00:23:51,848 --> 00:23:53,182
I don't know this virtual reality.

520
00:23:53,266 --> 00:23:55,143
I don't know how far it goes back.

521
00:23:55,226 --> 00:23:57,937
Maybe his trainer's stuck in traffic
or something.

522
00:23:58,020 --> 00:23:59,605
[audience laughing]

523
00:24:02,024 --> 00:24:03,442
But he's just sitting there now.

524
00:24:03,526 --> 00:24:05,444
Just sitting there,
for another two minutes.

525
00:24:05,528 --> 00:24:06,696
I'm getting upset.

526
00:24:06,779 --> 00:24:08,489
I'm about to take them off
and he steps up.

527
00:24:08,573 --> 00:24:09,699
I go, "Oh, here we go."

528
00:24:09,782 --> 00:24:11,659
He takes one step and levels up.

529
00:24:11,742 --> 00:24:14,871
He's just standing there.
I'm like, "Oh. Here we go."

530
00:24:14,954 --> 00:24:17,206
He goes like this. I'm like, "All right."

531
00:24:17,290 --> 00:24:18,749
Then he goes like this.

532
00:24:19,792 --> 00:24:21,294
Then he goes like this.

533
00:24:22,461 --> 00:24:24,714
I go, "Here we go."
Then he goes like this.

534
00:24:24,797 --> 00:24:25,923
Then he goes like this.

535
00:24:26,007 --> 00:24:28,509
I'm like, "Yes, he's warming up.
Look at this."

536
00:24:29,886 --> 00:24:31,470
Then he goes like this.

537
00:24:31,554 --> 00:24:32,930
Then he goes like this.

538
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,101
Then he goes like this.

539
00:24:37,185 --> 00:24:39,353
[audience laughing]

540
00:24:46,569 --> 00:24:49,113
And then he goes back to his perch.
He just goes back.

541
00:24:49,197 --> 00:24:51,449
[audience laughing]

542
00:24:52,992 --> 00:24:54,869
I'm furious. I'm furious.

543
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:56,913
But then he goes like this.

544
00:24:56,996 --> 00:24:59,749
He leans like this
and then he goes like this.

545
00:25:00,249 --> 00:25:03,085
Then he goes like this.
He starts going like this.

546
00:25:03,169 --> 00:25:05,546
[audience laughing]

547
00:25:07,465 --> 00:25:10,134
I've no idea what... No idea. Just this.

548
00:25:11,719 --> 00:25:12,595
I've had enough.

549
00:25:12,678 --> 00:25:15,556
I rip the goggles off his head.
He's like, "Oh, no!"

550
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:17,141
Which I'm told you're not supposed to do.

551
00:25:17,225 --> 00:25:19,685
It's like waking a sleepwalker,
you're not supposed to do that.

552
00:25:19,769 --> 00:25:21,812
I put them on.
I wanted to see what he was doing.

553
00:25:21,896 --> 00:25:23,606
You know what? He was playing a game.

554
00:25:23,689 --> 00:25:25,066
You know what game it was?

555
00:25:25,149 --> 00:25:26,484
Job Simulator.

556
00:25:26,567 --> 00:25:29,320
[audience laughing]

557
00:25:29,403 --> 00:25:33,074
He was working part time
at a convenience store.

558
00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:35,952
[audience cheering and clapping]

559
00:25:42,792 --> 00:25:45,544
He was waiting for customers
to come in his store.

560
00:25:45,628 --> 00:25:47,171
He was just sitting there.

561
00:25:47,255 --> 00:25:49,048
[audience laughing]

562
00:25:50,883 --> 00:25:52,218
He wasn't active at all.

563
00:25:52,301 --> 00:25:54,637
He wasn't sweeping up
in between customers.

564
00:25:55,429 --> 00:25:57,890
Stacking cases of beer in the back.

565
00:25:57,974 --> 00:25:59,016
He was sitting there.

566
00:25:59,100 --> 00:26:02,144
He was sitting there
and then, finally, a customer came in

567
00:26:02,228 --> 00:26:04,105
and he stepped up, leveled up,

568
00:26:04,188 --> 00:26:06,565
got him a pack of cigarettes or something.

569
00:26:07,316 --> 00:26:10,403
Rang him up,
I saw the cash register was right there.

570
00:26:11,195 --> 00:26:13,656
Gave him the change. Nodded.
He's a polite kid.

571
00:26:13,739 --> 00:26:15,241
At least he's got that going for him.

572
00:26:16,158 --> 00:26:19,453
Then he goes back to his chair.
And I'm like,

573
00:26:19,537 --> 00:26:22,415
"What was this?
What was this and all that?"

574
00:26:22,498 --> 00:26:23,749
You know what it was?

575
00:26:23,833 --> 00:26:26,043
He was scratching off
his own lotto tickets.

576
00:26:26,127 --> 00:26:28,838
[audience laughing]

577
00:26:33,050 --> 00:26:35,720
He's not even a good fake employee.

578
00:26:35,803 --> 00:26:37,763
[audience laughing]

579
00:26:40,558 --> 00:26:43,686
I just said, "You're punished.
That's what it is. That's what's up."

580
00:26:45,396 --> 00:26:47,148
I don't know
how to punish our kids anymore.

581
00:26:47,231 --> 00:26:49,066
I don't even know what we can do,
what we can't do.

582
00:26:49,150 --> 00:26:50,484
I don't even know what...

583
00:26:50,568 --> 00:26:52,862
I know our parents, our dads,
they knew how to punish.

584
00:26:52,945 --> 00:26:54,989
Back in the day, they knew how to punish.

585
00:26:55,072 --> 00:26:55,948
They did.

586
00:26:56,032 --> 00:26:58,242
They had it exactly correct. Every...

587
00:26:58,326 --> 00:27:00,995
The punishment
always fit the crime perfectly.

588
00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:03,289
Because they got the belt, that's why.

589
00:27:03,372 --> 00:27:04,332
- [audience laughing]
- Yes.

590
00:27:04,415 --> 00:27:05,791
You only had to get the belt once.

591
00:27:05,875 --> 00:27:07,126
You got the belt once,

592
00:27:07,209 --> 00:27:09,420
you never did
whatever you were doing ever again.

593
00:27:10,504 --> 00:27:12,006
Then your dad just had to
show you the belt.

594
00:27:12,089 --> 00:27:13,507
And that was enough. You remember that?

595
00:27:13,591 --> 00:27:14,842
Hey, what did you say?

596
00:27:14,925 --> 00:27:16,969
[audience laughing]

597
00:27:17,553 --> 00:27:19,055
Yeah, okay, I'm good.

598
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:22,099
- Yeah.
- [audience clapping]

599
00:27:22,183 --> 00:27:23,059
Yes.

600
00:27:24,435 --> 00:27:25,519
Belt worked.

601
00:27:26,145 --> 00:27:29,440
Remember how out of nowhere
that first time you got the belt was?

602
00:27:29,523 --> 00:27:31,442
You were popping off at your mom,

603
00:27:31,525 --> 00:27:32,651
You go like, "Hey.

604
00:27:32,735 --> 00:27:35,446
Mom, I'm not having your meatloaf tonight.
It's horrible.

605
00:27:35,529 --> 00:27:37,531
I'm not having it. It's very dry.

606
00:27:37,615 --> 00:27:42,161
Who puts peas in meatloaf? I can't do it.
I can't. It's way too dry.

607
00:27:42,244 --> 00:27:44,038
Look up the recipe, Betty Crocker.

608
00:27:44,121 --> 00:27:45,581
Check it out, woman.

609
00:27:45,664 --> 00:27:48,334
Why is Dad getting undressed?
What's going on? What are you doing?

610
00:27:48,417 --> 00:27:49,627
[audience laughing]

611
00:27:49,710 --> 00:27:52,004
"No, add ketchup to it, I don't care.

612
00:27:52,088 --> 00:27:54,673
Some sauce, get it going.
It's just horrible.

613
00:27:54,757 --> 00:27:56,509
It's very dry. What's up, Dad?

614
00:27:56,592 --> 00:27:59,512
Are you a lion tamer? What is this?
What's this snap, snap?

615
00:27:59,595 --> 00:28:02,681
Snap, snap. I don't know...
Oh, my God! Oh, God!"

616
00:28:02,765 --> 00:28:05,351
[audience laughing]

617
00:28:08,729 --> 00:28:10,022
And it worked.

618
00:28:10,106 --> 00:28:13,859
The belt's worked since 25 BC.
It's worked throughout history.

619
00:28:15,194 --> 00:28:18,656
All the way up until, like, 1993

620
00:28:19,615 --> 00:28:23,035
when some frail d-bag
introduced the first time out.

621
00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:26,163
[audience cheering and clapping]

622
00:28:33,629 --> 00:28:36,090
And that's when we lost society,
right there.

623
00:28:37,341 --> 00:28:40,010
When everything burns
and civilization comes to an end,

624
00:28:40,094 --> 00:28:43,764
we can trace it all the way back
to that one guy. That's the guy.

625
00:28:44,265 --> 00:28:45,433
Time out.

626
00:28:45,933 --> 00:28:48,227
It changed the game. Time out?

627
00:28:49,061 --> 00:28:50,146
How can you do that?

628
00:28:50,229 --> 00:28:52,440
Can you imagine
trying to convince your dad

629
00:28:52,523 --> 00:28:54,859
to give you a time out back in the day?

630
00:28:54,942 --> 00:28:56,652
Hey, Dad, listen up.

631
00:28:56,735 --> 00:29:00,573
Very sorry about stealing your car
last night, taking it for a joy ride.

632
00:29:01,157 --> 00:29:04,285
Doing donuts in that parking lot
and wiping out that whole store front,

633
00:29:04,368 --> 00:29:05,619
but how's about this?

634
00:29:05,703 --> 00:29:07,329
[audience laughing]

635
00:29:07,413 --> 00:29:09,915
Instead of you whipping this ass
with that leather strap

636
00:29:09,999 --> 00:29:12,668
and that massive belt buckle
you got in New Orleans...

637
00:29:12,751 --> 00:29:14,753
[audience laughing]

638
00:29:14,837 --> 00:29:18,674
I'm thinking I'm gonna wander off
over into the corner for a little bit.

639
00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:20,718
[audience laughing]

640
00:29:23,387 --> 00:29:27,266
Maybe think about where I went wrong,
maybe not. I don't even know.

641
00:29:27,349 --> 00:29:28,642
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

642
00:29:28,726 --> 00:29:31,937
I might sing a song, I might hum one.
It doesn't matter.

643
00:29:32,021 --> 00:29:35,858
Important thing is, it's my time,
it's my time over in that corner.

644
00:29:35,941 --> 00:29:37,693
And when I feel good enough,

645
00:29:37,776 --> 00:29:41,489
and I feel like I'm ready
to inject myself back into society,

646
00:29:41,572 --> 00:29:43,073
I will come back here

647
00:29:43,157 --> 00:29:45,910
and I will tell you
and we'll see how that goes.

648
00:29:45,993 --> 00:29:48,704
How do you feel about that, cowboy?
How's that?

649
00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:51,624
[audience cheering and clapping]

650
00:29:53,292 --> 00:29:55,711
Why are you getting undressed again?
What's going on?

651
00:29:55,794 --> 00:29:58,255
[audience laughing]

652
00:29:58,339 --> 00:29:59,548
Time out.

653
00:30:00,508 --> 00:30:02,468
They don't even do time outs anymore.

654
00:30:02,551 --> 00:30:04,011
Now time outs are too cruel.

655
00:30:04,094 --> 00:30:05,888
They've become too cruel. Time outs.

656
00:30:05,971 --> 00:30:07,973
Oh, the ch... No, you can't. What?

657
00:30:08,057 --> 00:30:10,434
You can't do a time out.
It's too cruel for the child.

658
00:30:10,518 --> 00:30:11,852
They're alone. They're isolated.

659
00:30:11,936 --> 00:30:15,147
They're in the corner of the room.
By themselves.

660
00:30:15,231 --> 00:30:16,941
There are other people. They're just...

661
00:30:17,024 --> 00:30:21,779
No, they're way... It's in a corner.
They're looking at two walls meeting.

662
00:30:21,862 --> 00:30:25,616
It's, it's too much
for the child to deal with.

663
00:30:25,699 --> 00:30:27,701
You can't isolate them like that.

664
00:30:27,785 --> 00:30:30,496
Any... You can't.
You just can't isolate them.

665
00:30:31,372 --> 00:30:32,706
They don't even do that anymore.

666
00:30:32,790 --> 00:30:34,708
They don't do time outs anymore
'cause it's too much.

667
00:30:34,792 --> 00:30:36,377
They do what's called a time in.

668
00:30:36,460 --> 00:30:37,753
It's called a time in.

669
00:30:38,629 --> 00:30:41,590
I'm serious. What they do is
the dad will take the child,

670
00:30:41,674 --> 00:30:43,842
you sit in the middle of the room,

671
00:30:43,926 --> 00:30:47,137
they put the child next to them,
they stroke their shoulder and...

672
00:30:48,097 --> 00:30:51,392
You both kinda go over what went wrong

673
00:30:51,475 --> 00:30:52,560
and kinda where...

674
00:30:53,978 --> 00:30:56,397
the child went off the tracks. And...

675
00:30:57,565 --> 00:31:01,110
Once you start making them feel good
about being bad...

676
00:31:01,193 --> 00:31:04,446
[audience laughing]

677
00:31:04,530 --> 00:31:07,866
Probably after, like, seven
or eight minutes, you just let them go.

678
00:31:09,159 --> 00:31:12,079
Then you stay there for, like,
an additional four minutes.

679
00:31:12,162 --> 00:31:13,622
[audience laughing]

680
00:31:13,706 --> 00:31:16,667
Just to think about
what a loser of a parent you've become.

681
00:31:16,750 --> 00:31:19,670
[audience cheering and clapping]

682
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:27,303
We're raising baby veal.
That's what we're doing.

683
00:31:27,386 --> 00:31:29,179
We are. We are.

684
00:31:29,263 --> 00:31:30,639
We are.

685
00:31:30,723 --> 00:31:34,184
We're so easy on our kids. And so what?
It doesn't help them.

686
00:31:34,268 --> 00:31:37,771
I love my kids.
We all love our kids. We know that.

687
00:31:37,855 --> 00:31:40,608
But you know what?
They all can't be the best.

688
00:31:41,233 --> 00:31:42,985
They can't. Not right away, anyway.

689
00:31:43,068 --> 00:31:44,820
This is what we tell them, constantly.

690
00:31:44,903 --> 00:31:47,156
You're the best. You are the best.

691
00:31:47,239 --> 00:31:48,574
You are so good.

692
00:31:48,657 --> 00:31:51,452
You are the best.
You're the best. Isn't he the best?

693
00:31:51,535 --> 00:31:53,662
Yeah. He's the best. You're the best.

694
00:31:53,746 --> 00:31:54,997
He's the best.

695
00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:56,832
You're so good. You're the best.

696
00:31:58,667 --> 00:31:59,668
[loud sigh]

697
00:32:00,836 --> 00:32:02,129
No, you suck.

698
00:32:02,212 --> 00:32:04,381
[audience laughing]

699
00:32:04,465 --> 00:32:06,133
You're not... What are you the best at?

700
00:32:06,216 --> 00:32:07,718
We wanna get you to be the best,

701
00:32:07,801 --> 00:32:09,261
but you can't do anything right now.

702
00:32:09,345 --> 00:32:10,346
What can you do?

703
00:32:10,429 --> 00:32:11,764
Can you match your socks?

704
00:32:11,847 --> 00:32:14,475
Can you do a back flip?
Can you black tar a driveway?

705
00:32:14,558 --> 00:32:15,934
Can you roll a cigar?

706
00:32:16,018 --> 00:32:17,394
Can you drive a forklift?

707
00:32:17,478 --> 00:32:21,065
Can you put your toothbrush
back in the cup when you're done using it?

708
00:32:21,148 --> 00:32:23,776
[audience laughing and clapping]

709
00:32:25,569 --> 00:32:26,695
Nothing.

710
00:32:26,779 --> 00:32:29,156
Without me, you can do nothing.

711
00:32:30,282 --> 00:32:33,118
If I dropped you off in the woods
you wouldn't last ten minutes

712
00:32:33,202 --> 00:32:34,953
before you were eaten by coyotes.

713
00:32:35,037 --> 00:32:36,622
[audience laughing]

714
00:32:38,832 --> 00:32:40,000
Kids suck.

715
00:32:40,084 --> 00:32:41,543
- They suck.
- [audience laughing]

716
00:32:41,627 --> 00:32:43,629
They're not good. They're not good.

717
00:32:44,505 --> 00:32:46,799
That should,
that's the definition of a kid.

718
00:32:46,882 --> 00:32:49,134
"You suck."
That's what they should be called.

719
00:32:49,885 --> 00:32:52,805
How many you-sucks do you have?
I've got one and two on the way.

720
00:32:52,888 --> 00:32:55,474
[audience laughing]

721
00:32:55,557 --> 00:32:59,144
Twin you-sucks?
That's amazing. Congratulations.

722
00:32:59,228 --> 00:33:00,145
Thank you.

723
00:33:00,229 --> 00:33:02,773
[audience laughing]

724
00:33:02,856 --> 00:33:05,567
Your kids suck. My kids suck.
I'm sorry to break it to you.

725
00:33:05,651 --> 00:33:07,611
There's one kid I saw on the internet.
One kid.

726
00:33:07,695 --> 00:33:09,530
This four-year-old Korean boy.

727
00:33:09,613 --> 00:33:11,699
He was playing Mozart on an accordion.

728
00:33:11,782 --> 00:33:13,951
He had something special, nobody else.

729
00:33:14,034 --> 00:33:16,245
[audience laughing]

730
00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:19,915
But 100% he got the belt.

731
00:33:19,998 --> 00:33:21,417
Oh, he definitely got the belt.

732
00:33:21,500 --> 00:33:24,211
Oh, he was Mozarting his ass off.
He was like...

733
00:33:24,294 --> 00:33:26,797
[audience laughing]

734
00:33:30,217 --> 00:33:31,468
That's how you get good.

735
00:33:31,552 --> 00:33:33,595
[audience laughing]

736
00:33:33,679 --> 00:33:35,639
My son wanted to play Little League.

737
00:33:36,432 --> 00:33:37,599
So I called the coach.

738
00:33:37,683 --> 00:33:40,936
I said, "Listen, my boy wants to play.
Is it okay if he joins the team?"

739
00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:42,896
He's like, "Yeah,
we didn't even start practicing yet.

740
00:33:42,980 --> 00:33:44,440
We practice Thursday night."

741
00:33:44,523 --> 00:33:48,402
I said, "That's wonderful. It's awesome.
And, uh, I'll bring him down."

742
00:33:48,485 --> 00:33:52,030
He says, "Yeah, I just wanna let you know
that we don't keep score in this league."

743
00:33:52,114 --> 00:33:53,323
[audience laughing softly]

744
00:33:53,407 --> 00:33:54,908
I say, "Why? Why not?"

745
00:33:54,992 --> 00:33:56,744
He's like, "We don't wanna upset...

746
00:33:58,746 --> 00:34:01,999
the parents and disappoint
any of the kids, so we don't keep score."

747
00:34:02,082 --> 00:34:03,625
I was like, "Why even have them bat?"

748
00:34:04,626 --> 00:34:07,087
Why not just have them walk up
to the plate, "Hi, how're you doing?"

749
00:34:07,171 --> 00:34:10,549
[audience laughing]

750
00:34:10,632 --> 00:34:12,885
Could you put me down for a double?

751
00:34:12,968 --> 00:34:15,053
[audience laughing]

752
00:34:15,137 --> 00:34:17,639
Yeah, my mother says
I preregistered for a double.

753
00:34:17,723 --> 00:34:19,349
I got a double. Thank you.

754
00:34:19,433 --> 00:34:20,559
I got a double, Mother!

755
00:34:20,642 --> 00:34:23,604
[audience laughing]

756
00:34:26,857 --> 00:34:29,067
A double. I got a double.

757
00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:34,865
Every kid gets a trophy.

758
00:34:36,283 --> 00:34:37,326
You know how I found out?

759
00:34:37,409 --> 00:34:39,411
There was a $40 charge on my bill.

760
00:34:39,495 --> 00:34:41,121
- I was like...
- [audience laughing]

761
00:34:42,623 --> 00:34:45,083
What's this right here?
He like, "That's for trophies."

762
00:34:45,834 --> 00:34:47,169
We didn't even have a practice yet.

763
00:34:47,252 --> 00:34:49,838
He's like, "Congratulations, you guys won.
You guys are champions."

764
00:34:49,922 --> 00:34:51,757
[audience laughing]

765
00:34:53,342 --> 00:34:54,593
I'm like, "Who?" He's like, "Everyone."

766
00:34:54,676 --> 00:34:55,636
Everyone? Me?

767
00:34:55,719 --> 00:34:57,429
He goes, "Yeah. Did you drive him here?"
I go, "Yes."

768
00:34:57,513 --> 00:34:59,348
He goes, "Congratulations,
you're a winner."

769
00:34:59,431 --> 00:35:02,226
[audience laughing]

770
00:35:02,309 --> 00:35:04,853
I played Little League in the 1970s.

771
00:35:04,937 --> 00:35:06,396
Played for five years.

772
00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:08,232
Got a trophy once. One year.

773
00:35:08,315 --> 00:35:09,650
That's it. One trophy.

774
00:35:09,733 --> 00:35:11,735
You know why? 'Cause we won.

775
00:35:13,487 --> 00:35:14,530
That's it.

776
00:35:14,613 --> 00:35:18,617
[audience cheering and clapping]

777
00:35:22,037 --> 00:35:23,997
You know how I know? 'Cause we kept score.

778
00:35:24,081 --> 00:35:26,083
[audience laughing]

779
00:35:26,166 --> 00:35:28,919
You know why we did that?
'Cause that's how baseball's played.

780
00:35:29,002 --> 00:35:32,673
The team with the larger number,
the more runs, they're the winners.

781
00:35:32,756 --> 00:35:35,133
And the losers are the team
with the less numbers.

782
00:35:35,217 --> 00:35:38,053
They're the losers
and they go home as a team

783
00:35:38,136 --> 00:35:40,264
and they try to come back and do better.

784
00:35:40,347 --> 00:35:43,350
And sometimes
that drive actually helps them.

785
00:35:43,433 --> 00:35:46,770
That's actually the better choice,
to lose and try to come back,

786
00:35:46,854 --> 00:35:48,397
because it's human nature.

787
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:50,941
- Human nature.
- [audience cheering]

788
00:35:51,024 --> 00:35:52,860
It's good for them.

789
00:35:56,864 --> 00:35:58,740
One trophy. That's all I had.

790
00:35:58,824 --> 00:36:01,660
I would go in my room
and see that one trophy.

791
00:36:01,743 --> 00:36:04,872
I'd be like, "Oh, yeah.
That's the year we won."

792
00:36:04,955 --> 00:36:06,874
That's it. The one time.

793
00:36:06,957 --> 00:36:08,834
That was worth it. It was great.

794
00:36:08,917 --> 00:36:13,422
I went to my neighbor's house.
His living room is littered with trophies.

795
00:36:13,505 --> 00:36:16,717
I know his kids.
I'm like, "This is criminal."

796
00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:19,344
[audience laughing]

797
00:36:21,096 --> 00:36:22,931
I'm like, "What's this one for?"

798
00:36:23,015 --> 00:36:26,727
Oh, that's when Warren was gonna try out
for photography club.

799
00:36:26,810 --> 00:36:28,687
[audience laughing]

800
00:36:28,770 --> 00:36:31,440
But he got a cold and missed the season.

801
00:36:33,108 --> 00:36:34,234
It says "MVP."

802
00:36:34,318 --> 00:36:36,028
Yes, we're very proud of him.

803
00:36:36,111 --> 00:36:38,780
[audience laughing softly]

804
00:36:38,864 --> 00:36:41,116
They're so fortunate, kids today.

805
00:36:41,199 --> 00:36:44,578
They have the greatest fields,
I see them, I see them here.

806
00:36:44,661 --> 00:36:48,123
The pristine sod and the outfield walls.

807
00:36:48,206 --> 00:36:52,794
With the sponsors
and the, and the lights for night games.

808
00:36:52,878 --> 00:36:53,754
Kidding me?

809
00:36:54,379 --> 00:36:56,006
I played in the 70s
and they had none of that.

810
00:36:56,089 --> 00:37:00,093
You pull up to, like, a parking lot
with cement and clumps of grass

811
00:37:01,094 --> 00:37:03,972
and broken Schmidt's bottles everywhere.
Just...

812
00:37:05,098 --> 00:37:08,602
Is this field two?
Yeah, this is field two. This is us.

813
00:37:08,685 --> 00:37:12,105
Your coach would pull up in a 1971 Impala,

814
00:37:12,189 --> 00:37:14,399
pop the trunk to hand out uniforms.

815
00:37:14,483 --> 00:37:16,652
[imitates trunk squeaking open]

816
00:37:16,735 --> 00:37:18,320
Had everything in that trunk.

817
00:37:18,403 --> 00:37:21,031
Clearly thrown out of his house
ten minutes ago by his wife.

818
00:37:21,114 --> 00:37:23,241
[audience laughing]

819
00:37:23,867 --> 00:37:26,161
Smoking right in front of us.

820
00:37:26,244 --> 00:37:28,330
[audience laughing]

821
00:37:28,413 --> 00:37:31,792
Gather round, guys, gather round, team.
Get around me. Make a circle.

822
00:37:34,252 --> 00:37:36,713
Listen to me,
if it's a hit to right field...

823
00:37:38,048 --> 00:37:40,467
shortstop got it covered. Second base...

824
00:37:41,176 --> 00:37:43,637
don't overthrow the cutoff man, okay.

825
00:37:43,720 --> 00:37:44,972
You're overthrowing the...

826
00:37:49,977 --> 00:37:52,938
Like a nicotine oscillating fan
right in our faces.

827
00:37:53,021 --> 00:37:55,190
[audience laughing]

828
00:37:56,608 --> 00:37:58,402
No parents running over, "Hey, Phil,

829
00:37:58,485 --> 00:38:00,445
maybe you shouldn't smoke
in front of the kids."

830
00:38:00,529 --> 00:38:02,906
You kidding me?
They're setting up snack tables,

831
00:38:02,990 --> 00:38:05,951
playing dominoes, drinking vodka,
about 30 yards that way.

832
00:38:06,034 --> 00:38:08,745
[audience cheering and clapping]

833
00:38:10,539 --> 00:38:14,376
They're just so happy the weird guy
in the polyester pants and bushy mustache

834
00:38:14,459 --> 00:38:16,294
is looking after them for a while.

835
00:38:19,423 --> 00:38:21,717
Right in my face. Benson and Hedges.

836
00:38:23,593 --> 00:38:26,304
It stung right in the retinas.
Stinging me like crazy.

837
00:38:27,055 --> 00:38:29,433
Smoke billowing down my body.

838
00:38:30,434 --> 00:38:32,853
But you know what? No allergies today.

839
00:38:32,936 --> 00:38:35,647
[audience cheering and clapping]

840
00:38:37,274 --> 00:38:38,150
Nada.

841
00:38:39,568 --> 00:38:40,986
I eat whatever I want.

842
00:38:41,069 --> 00:38:43,488
I can see a raccoon walking around midday.

843
00:38:44,197 --> 00:38:47,159
Just rip it's face off,
clumps of hair missing, doesn't matter.

844
00:38:47,242 --> 00:38:50,287
I can just eat that thing whole
and be fine an hour later.

845
00:38:50,370 --> 00:38:51,246
[audience laughing]

846
00:38:51,329 --> 00:38:53,915
You know why?
'Cause I drank water out of a hose

847
00:38:53,999 --> 00:38:55,959
that was rolled up in my backyard.

848
00:38:56,043 --> 00:38:58,211
[audience cheering and clapping]

849
00:38:58,295 --> 00:39:01,298
That sat outside in the grass

850
00:39:01,381 --> 00:39:04,634
in the hot sun for months at a time,
melting that plastic.

851
00:39:04,718 --> 00:39:07,137
It boiled up so much
it would burn your face.

852
00:39:07,220 --> 00:39:09,097
It wouldn't even come out
in a steady stream.

853
00:39:09,181 --> 00:39:10,223
You'd be p-p-p-p-p...

854
00:39:10,307 --> 00:39:12,976
[audience laughing]

855
00:39:13,060 --> 00:39:15,896
Firing rusty spickets
through that thing

856
00:39:15,979 --> 00:39:19,066
like BBs into the back of your throat
until it wasn't enough

857
00:39:19,149 --> 00:39:20,901
and you just ripped the hose
off the faucet

858
00:39:20,984 --> 00:39:22,778
and wrapped your lips around that.

859
00:39:22,861 --> 00:39:24,154
[audience laughing]

860
00:39:24,237 --> 00:39:27,949
Just suck all the asbestos and lead
right out of the house. Just...

861
00:39:28,033 --> 00:39:29,493
[audience laughing]

862
00:39:29,576 --> 00:39:32,788
Go right to the source and I was fine.
Why was I fine?

863
00:39:32,871 --> 00:39:35,707
'Cause all day long at school
I'm chewing on pencils.

864
00:39:35,791 --> 00:39:38,043
[audience laughing]

865
00:39:38,126 --> 00:39:41,296
I'm sniffing magic markers
like they're going out of style.

866
00:39:41,379 --> 00:39:44,466
Thirty seconds a nostril.
Have some fun. Get used to it.

867
00:39:45,425 --> 00:39:47,928
Eating paste
'cause it looked like mayonnaise.

868
00:39:48,011 --> 00:39:48,887
[audience laughing]

869
00:39:48,970 --> 00:39:50,889
Or Play-Doh.
How good did Play-Doh smell?

870
00:39:50,972 --> 00:39:53,767
Smelled amazing.
You try it, like, whoa, different story.

871
00:39:53,850 --> 00:39:54,976
[audience laughing]

872
00:39:55,060 --> 00:39:57,312
Next day, you try it again.
Different color.

873
00:39:57,395 --> 00:39:59,689
You're like,
"Maybe this is fruit flavored. Try."

874
00:39:59,773 --> 00:40:01,900
[audience laughing softly]

875
00:40:02,609 --> 00:40:05,070
We had allergies and things
back in the day.

876
00:40:05,153 --> 00:40:07,072
We just didn't label everything.

877
00:40:07,155 --> 00:40:09,616
I'm sure I had anxiety. I know I did.

878
00:40:09,699 --> 00:40:12,077
I was a pitcher. I was eight years old.

879
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:14,371
I remember this.
I had a really strong arm.

880
00:40:14,454 --> 00:40:15,622
I was on the mound.

881
00:40:15,705 --> 00:40:18,667
I was firing the ball, aiming it,
and I was missing the plate.

882
00:40:18,750 --> 00:40:21,503
I started walking batters
and it was getting to me.

883
00:40:21,586 --> 00:40:24,089
I loaded up the bases
and I was breathing heavy.

884
00:40:24,172 --> 00:40:27,467
I felt it. I felt this heaviness.
And it was bothering me.

885
00:40:27,551 --> 00:40:31,263
I started trying harder
and I was walking more batters.

886
00:40:31,346 --> 00:40:32,514
I started walking runs in.

887
00:40:32,597 --> 00:40:34,015
I'm looking at my friends in the field

888
00:40:34,099 --> 00:40:36,184
and they were looking at me
and I felt terrible.

889
00:40:36,268 --> 00:40:37,310
I remember this.

890
00:40:37,394 --> 00:40:39,771
'Cause I remember my dad,
who was also a coach,

891
00:40:39,855 --> 00:40:40,856
he walked out to the mound

892
00:40:40,939 --> 00:40:44,067
and he gave me the greatest advice
I've ever received in my entire life.

893
00:40:44,151 --> 00:40:45,777
He literally walked up to the mound,

894
00:40:45,861 --> 00:40:47,362
he put both hands on my shoulder,

895
00:40:47,445 --> 00:40:51,074
looked me dead in the eyes and says, "Hey.
Stop aiming the ball.

896
00:40:51,867 --> 00:40:54,661
You know what to do." He said two words.

897
00:40:54,744 --> 00:40:56,163
"Just throw."

898
00:40:56,830 --> 00:40:59,332
That's all he said. "Just throw."

899
00:40:59,875 --> 00:41:02,544
He turned around
and he walked back to the dugout.

900
00:41:03,670 --> 00:41:08,508
And I remember it's the greatest advice
I've ever received in my entire life.

901
00:41:08,592 --> 00:41:10,135
Think about it.

902
00:41:10,218 --> 00:41:12,179
Anytime life has got you down,

903
00:41:12,262 --> 00:41:14,222
there are obstacles you gotta overcome.

904
00:41:14,306 --> 00:41:15,348
Just throw.

905
00:41:15,432 --> 00:41:18,185
That's all you gotta do. Just throw. Yes.

906
00:41:19,060 --> 00:41:21,396
- Believe in yourself.
- [audience cheering and clapping]

907
00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:22,939
Trust yourself.

908
00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:25,734
And just throw. And that's what I did.

909
00:41:26,359 --> 00:41:29,196
I launched back into my windup
and I just threw.

910
00:41:30,238 --> 00:41:32,616
And I shattered the kid's cheekbone.
I remember...

911
00:41:32,699 --> 00:41:35,619
[audience laughing and clapping]

912
00:41:35,702 --> 00:41:38,079
Ball bounced like 30 yards,
two more runs scored.

913
00:41:38,163 --> 00:41:40,707
So my Dad was wrong there.
You gotta aim the ball.

914
00:41:40,790 --> 00:41:41,833
[audience laughing]

915
00:41:41,917 --> 00:41:44,461
In baseball. That's the...
That's like where...

916
00:41:44,544 --> 00:41:48,381
That's the worst advice ever.
To just, just throw it in baseball.

917
00:41:48,465 --> 00:41:50,759
Then you're just running around,
just throwing at everything.

918
00:41:50,842 --> 00:41:53,136
- You can't. You gotta...
- [audience laughing]

919
00:41:53,220 --> 00:41:54,471
Doesn't work in baseball.

920
00:41:54,554 --> 00:41:57,974
But anywhere else in life,
it's great advice. Great advise.

921
00:41:58,058 --> 00:42:00,227
Just throw. Just do it.

922
00:42:00,936 --> 00:42:03,521
He was smart. My dad was a smart man.

923
00:42:03,605 --> 00:42:05,732
Never went to college. Didn't have to.

924
00:42:05,815 --> 00:42:08,818
Didn't know all subjects,
but he knew subjects in depth.

925
00:42:08,902 --> 00:42:10,487
He had depth to the subject.

926
00:42:10,570 --> 00:42:13,281
That was it. He knew it. He knew it well.

927
00:42:13,365 --> 00:42:14,741
I don't have that.

928
00:42:14,824 --> 00:42:20,205
I don't know, my Dad was handing me
the, uh, knowledge baton.

929
00:42:20,288 --> 00:42:23,917
He was literally like, "Here it is.

930
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:25,710
From generation to generation.

931
00:42:25,794 --> 00:42:29,297
This is all the wisdom and intelligence
of our family.

932
00:42:29,381 --> 00:42:32,217
And I'm giving it to you, my son."

933
00:42:32,801 --> 00:42:34,010
And I was like...

934
00:42:34,761 --> 00:42:35,804
I'm good.

935
00:42:35,887 --> 00:42:38,348
[audience laughing]

936
00:42:41,101 --> 00:42:43,436
I don't feel
like reading that thing right now.

937
00:42:44,020 --> 00:42:44,896
I paid for it.

938
00:42:44,980 --> 00:42:46,815
'Cause he could answer any question
I ever had.

939
00:42:46,898 --> 00:42:48,566
And I know nothing now.

940
00:42:48,650 --> 00:42:49,985
As an adult, I'm faking it.

941
00:42:50,068 --> 00:42:53,863
That's why I hate having conversations.
'Cause I don't know enough.

942
00:42:53,947 --> 00:42:56,992
I know things,
but I don't have any in-depth knowledge.

943
00:42:57,075 --> 00:42:58,326
I can't go deep.

944
00:42:58,410 --> 00:43:00,662
Still water does not go deep.

945
00:43:00,745 --> 00:43:02,580
That's why, anybody talks to me,

946
00:43:02,664 --> 00:43:06,668
it's literally like they say something
and I have zero point of view.

947
00:43:06,751 --> 00:43:08,628
I can't add anything to it.

948
00:43:08,712 --> 00:43:11,673
- I'm just like, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
- [audience laughing]

949
00:43:11,756 --> 00:43:14,759
One subject,
one subject I know a lot about.

950
00:43:14,843 --> 00:43:16,052
Buster Douglas.

951
00:43:16,136 --> 00:43:17,053
Remember him?

952
00:43:17,137 --> 00:43:20,140
Remember the heavy-weight champ
who upset Mike Tyson back in 1990?

953
00:43:20,223 --> 00:43:22,017
At the Tokyo Dome.

954
00:43:22,726 --> 00:43:24,311
Forty-two to one odds.

955
00:43:24,811 --> 00:43:27,522
Mike Tyson was 37-and-0 at the time.

956
00:43:27,605 --> 00:43:30,984
55,000 people there. I know all this.
You know why I know it?

957
00:43:31,067 --> 00:43:33,570
Because ESPN had a 30 for 30 on it

958
00:43:33,653 --> 00:43:36,656
and I recorded it
and watched it, like, 12 times.

959
00:43:36,740 --> 00:43:39,576
So I have all this information
about Buster Douglas.

960
00:43:40,702 --> 00:43:41,786
Here's the thing.

961
00:43:42,787 --> 00:43:44,706
Hardly ever comes up in conversation.

962
00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:47,876
[audience laughing]

963
00:43:47,959 --> 00:43:52,255
That's how dumb I was. I put all my eggs
in the Buster Douglas basket.

964
00:43:52,339 --> 00:43:53,923
[audience laughing]

965
00:43:57,052 --> 00:43:58,428
And my wife, this was the worst.

966
00:43:58,511 --> 00:44:03,016
We got invited to this local
municipal government fundraising dinner.

967
00:44:03,099 --> 00:44:05,560
It was, like, every word I hated in there.

968
00:44:06,436 --> 00:44:08,438
Except dinner. I was fine with that.

969
00:44:08,521 --> 00:44:09,731
[audience laughing]

970
00:44:09,814 --> 00:44:11,941
Hope you said no.
She was like, "I accepted."

971
00:44:12,025 --> 00:44:13,234
Why would you do that?

972
00:44:13,818 --> 00:44:15,987
I don't wanna talk to anybody. I can't.

973
00:44:16,071 --> 00:44:18,656
I don't know anything about government.
They're gonna make me look like an idiot.

974
00:44:18,740 --> 00:44:20,950
I don't wanna do it. She's like, "Relax."

975
00:44:21,034 --> 00:44:23,620
She's good at talking.
She's like, "I'll go with you.

976
00:44:23,703 --> 00:44:24,954
I'll be there the whole time.

977
00:44:25,038 --> 00:44:28,917
I promise you, we'll mingle around,
we'll have some hors d'oeuvres,

978
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:31,378
we'll have a little dinner,
and then we'll leave.

979
00:44:31,461 --> 00:44:33,755
And I'll stay with you the whole time."

980
00:44:33,838 --> 00:44:35,507
You promise? She's like, "Yes."

981
00:44:35,590 --> 00:44:37,967
As soon as we get there she goes,
"I'll be right back.

982
00:44:38,051 --> 00:44:39,594
I have to go the bathroom."

983
00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:42,514
- And she takes off.
- [audience laughing]

984
00:44:43,556 --> 00:44:46,184
Some guy walks over to me. He says, "Hey."

985
00:44:46,267 --> 00:44:48,520
I'm like, "Oh, gosh, here we go. Hey!"

986
00:44:49,062 --> 00:44:52,190
How about this whole Figueroa thing
as councilman?

987
00:44:52,273 --> 00:44:54,651
Tell you one thing,
he ain't gonna last, huh?

988
00:44:55,860 --> 00:44:58,321
[audience laughing]

989
00:45:04,202 --> 00:45:06,121
Let's break it down, shall we?

990
00:45:06,204 --> 00:45:08,039
First, don't know who Figueroa is.

991
00:45:08,957 --> 00:45:10,875
Don't know...
You know what a councilman is?

992
00:45:10,959 --> 00:45:12,293
Do have any idea?

993
00:45:12,377 --> 00:45:14,629
He could've said carrot-maker.
It wouldn't have made a difference.

994
00:45:14,712 --> 00:45:17,465
I've no idea what a councilman is.

995
00:45:17,549 --> 00:45:19,217
[audience laughing]

996
00:45:20,927 --> 00:45:22,011
How do I answer?

997
00:45:22,095 --> 00:45:24,764
I wanna look like I know,
so I go, "Really?"

998
00:45:24,848 --> 00:45:27,225
Like I'm concerned for Figueroa.

999
00:45:27,308 --> 00:45:29,269
He goes, "Yeah, really." I go, "Why?"

1000
00:45:29,352 --> 00:45:31,771
He goes, "I'll give you one reason why.
Treason."

1001
00:45:31,855 --> 00:45:34,816
I was like, "Treason?
You gotta be kidding me."

1002
00:45:35,650 --> 00:45:38,486
In my head, I'm going,
you don't even know what treason means.

1003
00:45:38,570 --> 00:45:39,654
[audience laughing]

1004
00:45:39,737 --> 00:45:42,198
You don't know the definition of treason.

1005
00:45:42,282 --> 00:45:45,493
I don't know... Did you ever break away
from a conversation mentally

1006
00:45:45,577 --> 00:45:48,538
to try to figure out a word
that somebody just launched at you?

1007
00:45:48,621 --> 00:45:52,250
You're in your head, going, break it down.
Treason. What does it mean?

1008
00:45:52,333 --> 00:45:55,795
Treason. Well, tree is in the front,
reason is in the back. Trees...

1009
00:45:55,879 --> 00:45:58,006
are reasonable.
Maybe he's talking about the environment.

1010
00:45:58,089 --> 00:46:00,091
Get in there
and talk about the environment.

1011
00:46:00,175 --> 00:46:03,219
So I go back to talk to him
and he's just staring at me.

1012
00:46:03,303 --> 00:46:06,181
So I don't know
how long I was out for, you know.

1013
00:46:06,681 --> 00:46:09,767
I don't know if he asked me a question
or not. He's just staring at me.

1014
00:46:09,851 --> 00:46:12,353
I'm starting to sweat,
'cause I don't know what to say.

1015
00:46:12,437 --> 00:46:13,480
I'm feeling uncomfortable.

1016
00:46:13,563 --> 00:46:16,816
And he doesn't say...
So I go to my fallback, which is this.

1017
00:46:16,900 --> 00:46:18,234
It's great. I just go,

1018
00:46:18,318 --> 00:46:21,321
"Yeah, it's all crazy anyway.
What are you gonna do, right?

1019
00:46:21,905 --> 00:46:24,782
He's supposed to say, "Yeah, it's nuts.
Anyway, you have a good night."

1020
00:46:24,866 --> 00:46:25,867
You too. But he doesn't.

1021
00:46:25,950 --> 00:46:28,036
He goes, "What's crazy?"
I go, "I don't know.

1022
00:46:28,119 --> 00:46:30,705
No one's ever answered my question
with a question before."

1023
00:46:30,788 --> 00:46:32,999
[audience laughing]

1024
00:46:33,082 --> 00:46:34,876
Just the whole thing.
He's like, "What whole thing?"

1025
00:46:34,959 --> 00:46:36,669
How it all went down.
He's like, "What went down?"

1026
00:46:36,753 --> 00:46:38,213
Motherf... Just leave me alone!

1027
00:46:38,296 --> 00:46:39,756
[audience laughing]

1028
00:46:39,839 --> 00:46:41,674
He was trying to expose my stupidity.

1029
00:46:41,758 --> 00:46:43,801
He wouldn't stop.
He was not letting me go.

1030
00:46:43,885 --> 00:46:46,846
He was chasing me, like I was an opossum
running behind a dumpster

1031
00:46:46,930 --> 00:46:48,640
and he had a flashlight in my face.

1032
00:46:48,723 --> 00:46:50,642
What did you say? No, you're dumb.

1033
00:46:50,725 --> 00:46:51,893
What did you say?

1034
00:46:51,976 --> 00:46:52,894
You're very dumb.

1035
00:46:52,977 --> 00:46:54,687
You don't know who Figueroa is.

1036
00:46:54,771 --> 00:46:55,855
Who is Figueroa?

1037
00:46:55,939 --> 00:46:57,732
No, you don't. Who is Figueroa?

1038
00:46:57,815 --> 00:46:59,150
Who is Figueroa?

1039
00:46:59,234 --> 00:47:00,818
Who is he? You don't...

1040
00:47:00,902 --> 00:47:02,904
Name the three branches of government.

1041
00:47:02,987 --> 00:47:03,988
[audience laughing]

1042
00:47:04,072 --> 00:47:06,157
I'll spot you Legislative.

1043
00:47:06,241 --> 00:47:09,869
[audience cheering and clapping]

1044
00:47:15,333 --> 00:47:17,460
I should just be honest with people.
I should just walk up,

1045
00:47:17,544 --> 00:47:20,296
"Hi, my name's Kevin.
I got about a fourth grade vocabulary."

1046
00:47:20,380 --> 00:47:21,464
[audience laughing]

1047
00:47:21,548 --> 00:47:24,008
I'm gonna get lost
pretty quickly into the conversation,

1048
00:47:24,092 --> 00:47:26,761
but I'll stay here and I'll nod my head

1049
00:47:26,844 --> 00:47:29,472
and I'll smile,
make you feel better about yourself,

1050
00:47:29,556 --> 00:47:32,350
but don't be fooled,
I am dead behind the eyes.

1051
00:47:32,433 --> 00:47:34,269
[audience laughing and clapping]

1052
00:47:38,147 --> 00:47:39,274
I don't do that.

1053
00:47:40,233 --> 00:47:44,654
I try to match. I try to match.
I throw in big words I don't even know.

1054
00:47:44,737 --> 00:47:46,573
What do you think
the problem with society is?

1055
00:47:46,656 --> 00:47:49,409
I go, "I gotta be honest. I harken..."
Har... Harken.

1056
00:47:49,492 --> 00:47:50,368
[audience laughing]

1057
00:47:50,493 --> 00:47:53,830
I've never said "harken" before
in my life. Harken?

1058
00:47:54,539 --> 00:47:56,666
What am I? Winston Churchill? Where...

1059
00:47:57,417 --> 00:47:59,961
It behooves me to think that...

1060
00:48:00,545 --> 00:48:05,008
my monocle and my, mm, pocket watch,
ha-ha, burlap brown pants,

1061
00:48:05,091 --> 00:48:07,218
working on the cobble stone in London,

1062
00:48:07,302 --> 00:48:10,388
fatty, fatty, fatty pants. Fatty pants.

1063
00:48:10,471 --> 00:48:13,891
Walking in London rain. Who am I?

1064
00:48:13,975 --> 00:48:16,269
Mm, pipe. Who am I?

1065
00:48:17,145 --> 00:48:18,146
Harken.

1066
00:48:18,980 --> 00:48:20,231
Or I answer too quickly.

1067
00:48:20,315 --> 00:48:22,108
What do you think
the problem with the culture is?

1068
00:48:22,191 --> 00:48:24,777
I'm like, "I know what it is."
I know what it is?

1069
00:48:24,861 --> 00:48:25,778
[audience laughing]

1070
00:48:25,862 --> 00:48:28,281
I go, "I think it's a lack of conscious."

1071
00:48:28,781 --> 00:48:30,700
Conte-ness. Consci-ness.

1072
00:48:30,783 --> 00:48:31,868
He's like, "What?"

1073
00:48:33,578 --> 00:48:36,581
You ever not even be sure
of the tense of a word?

1074
00:48:37,081 --> 00:48:39,876
C... It's a lack of con... conscience-ness.

1075
00:48:39,959 --> 00:48:41,127
[audience laughing]

1076
00:48:41,210 --> 00:48:42,670
I'm sorry, what did you say?

1077
00:48:42,754 --> 00:48:44,589
C-Con... It's a lack of consciention...

1078
00:48:44,672 --> 00:48:46,257
[audience laughing]

1079
00:48:46,341 --> 00:48:50,053
It's a lack of con... uncon...
I think unconscien... unconscientuously.

1080
00:48:50,803 --> 00:48:53,848
I think uncon... con...

1081
00:48:54,807 --> 00:48:57,018
Conscience... Conchi...

1082
00:48:57,101 --> 00:49:00,772
It's a lack of conch...
Of we're not uncontentience.

1083
00:49:00,855 --> 00:49:01,731
[audience laughing]

1084
00:49:01,814 --> 00:49:05,568
You're gonna have a society...
S-so... So-socotal... Socielitally...

1085
00:49:05,652 --> 00:49:07,570
You're gonna get a tyranny.
A tyr... A tyran...

1086
00:49:07,654 --> 00:49:09,697
An tyrannical-saurus rex
is gonna come back.

1087
00:49:09,781 --> 00:49:10,907
[audience laughing]

1088
00:49:10,990 --> 00:49:13,576
And the dinosaurs are here.
That's what I'm saying.

1089
00:49:14,077 --> 00:49:16,537
I'm sorry, I'm not following you.
I went... [scoffs]

1090
00:49:17,330 --> 00:49:19,457
Irregardless of that, I gotta tell you...

1091
00:49:19,540 --> 00:49:21,834
- I said it.
- [audience laughing and clapping]

1092
00:49:25,088 --> 00:49:27,632
Oh, he stopped me,
"That's not even a word."

1093
00:49:28,132 --> 00:49:29,676
I beg to differ.

1094
00:49:29,759 --> 00:49:32,136
He's like, "I'm sorry,
you're not making any sense."

1095
00:49:32,220 --> 00:49:34,639
[audience laughing softly]

1096
00:49:34,722 --> 00:49:36,766
You know what else didn't make sense?

1097
00:49:38,101 --> 00:49:41,437
When Buster Douglas upset Mike Tyson
back in 1990.

1098
00:49:41,521 --> 00:49:42,730
[audience cheering and clapping]

1099
00:49:42,814 --> 00:49:44,399
At the Tokyo Dome.

1100
00:49:44,482 --> 00:49:48,403
55,000 people. Forty-two to one odds.
You have a good night, sir.

1101
00:49:48,486 --> 00:49:50,655
Have a good night, sir.

1102
00:49:50,738 --> 00:49:53,783
[audience clapping]

1103
00:49:53,866 --> 00:49:55,618
That's when my wife
walked out of the bathroom.

1104
00:49:55,702 --> 00:49:57,578
What did I miss? Anything good?

1105
00:49:57,662 --> 00:50:00,248
Ha-ha. Okay. All right.

1106
00:50:01,791 --> 00:50:03,668
My wife's awesome. I love her so much.

1107
00:50:03,751 --> 00:50:06,921
She... We're an amazing fit
because she loves to talk.

1108
00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:09,465
She's like the balance to me.
She's so good at it.

1109
00:50:09,549 --> 00:50:12,969
She can talk to people.
She knows what questions to ask.

1110
00:50:13,052 --> 00:50:14,303
She just loves it.

1111
00:50:14,387 --> 00:50:18,474
I remember, that night
we got in the car to drive home.

1112
00:50:18,558 --> 00:50:21,018
She just started talking again.
I was like, "Hey.

1113
00:50:21,519 --> 00:50:23,730
You know, we don't need it now. We..."

1114
00:50:23,813 --> 00:50:25,773
[audience laughing]

1115
00:50:28,776 --> 00:50:31,070
We don't need to talk ever again.

1116
00:50:31,154 --> 00:50:32,447
[audience laughing]

1117
00:50:32,530 --> 00:50:35,575
We don't. That's a good thing.
We've been together, like, 20 years.

1118
00:50:35,658 --> 00:50:37,994
I've already said every word
I'm ever gonna say to her

1119
00:50:38,077 --> 00:50:40,163
in every combination. That's it.

1120
00:50:40,246 --> 00:50:41,456
And she said every word to me.

1121
00:50:41,539 --> 00:50:43,624
She knows everything about me.
I know everything about her.

1122
00:50:43,708 --> 00:50:44,876
We don't need to talk anymore.

1123
00:50:44,959 --> 00:50:47,837
We can finish out the rest of our life
with gestures. That's it.

1124
00:50:47,920 --> 00:50:49,255
[audience laughing]

1125
00:50:49,338 --> 00:50:51,424
Not her. She loves to talk. She loves it.

1126
00:50:51,507 --> 00:50:54,260
She's just one of those people.
She just loves it.

1127
00:50:54,343 --> 00:50:57,221
Loves the sound of her internal voice.
She's like, "Uh..."

1128
00:50:57,305 --> 00:51:00,308
Loves the vibration of her lips
on her teeth or something.

1129
00:51:00,391 --> 00:51:01,768
The whole nine yards.

1130
00:51:01,851 --> 00:51:05,146
Whatever's involved with talking,
she... [makes noises]

1131
00:51:05,229 --> 00:51:07,607
Ever hear a baby
whenever they find their voice?

1132
00:51:07,690 --> 00:51:11,986
They're ma-ma-ma-ma. Brr... Brr...

1133
00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:14,947
Brr... La-la. Brr...

1134
00:51:15,031 --> 00:51:16,240
She just goes.

1135
00:51:16,324 --> 00:51:19,202
I don't think she's ever had
an unexpressed thought in her life.

1136
00:51:19,285 --> 00:51:20,578
[audience laughing]

1137
00:51:20,661 --> 00:51:21,537
No.

1138
00:51:21,996 --> 00:51:24,415
Everything she sees, it goes right in,
and she has to say it.

1139
00:51:24,499 --> 00:51:26,793
She just, "Oh, my gosh,
this door's so squeaky.

1140
00:51:26,876 --> 00:51:28,628
That picture's crooked,
I can't believe that.

1141
00:51:28,711 --> 00:51:32,215
We're gonna make eggplant for Thursday.
We'll have some friends over.

1142
00:51:32,298 --> 00:51:34,175
Would that be good?
Look at my reflection in the mirror.

1143
00:51:34,258 --> 00:51:36,594
I see two of me. Do you see two of me?
It's really weird.

1144
00:51:36,677 --> 00:51:39,806
I can't believe the kids are standing
on hardwood floor now, look at that.

1145
00:51:39,889 --> 00:51:42,433
The lights are good.
The holidays are coming. This is fun."

1146
00:51:42,517 --> 00:51:44,685
Hey, sit one out. Sit one out.

1147
00:51:44,769 --> 00:51:46,813
[audience laughing]

1148
00:51:48,356 --> 00:51:50,858
I have thoughts in my head all day long.

1149
00:51:50,942 --> 00:51:52,151
Weird ones.

1150
00:51:52,985 --> 00:51:56,072
How many tater tots can I fit in my mouth
without dropping any?

1151
00:51:56,155 --> 00:51:57,824
[audience laughing]

1152
00:51:57,907 --> 00:52:01,410
It's in there, but I keep it in the barn.
I keep it in there.

1153
00:52:01,953 --> 00:52:03,746
Not my wife.
She doesn't have any barn doors.

1154
00:52:03,830 --> 00:52:06,415
It's just free-range thoughts.
I see it. I say it.

1155
00:52:06,499 --> 00:52:08,084
I see it in the senses and I say it.

1156
00:52:08,167 --> 00:52:10,795
Look at those exit signs. The light.
The floor. Everything is...

1157
00:52:10,878 --> 00:52:13,506
I see it. I say it. I see it. I say it.

1158
00:52:13,589 --> 00:52:15,299
It's like a verbal wood chipper.

1159
00:52:15,383 --> 00:52:17,844
- [imitates chipper whirring]
- [audience laughing]

1160
00:52:23,808 --> 00:52:27,436
I see it. I say it.
I gotta say it when I see it.

1161
00:52:27,520 --> 00:52:29,605
I see it. I say it. I gotta say it.

1162
00:52:29,689 --> 00:52:31,524
[imitates chipper whirring]

1163
00:52:31,607 --> 00:52:33,442
[audience laughing]

1164
00:52:33,526 --> 00:52:35,027
Hey.

1165
00:52:35,111 --> 00:52:37,572
There's an ebb and flow to conversations.

1166
00:52:38,281 --> 00:52:40,366
There is. Fifty percent is listening.

1167
00:52:40,449 --> 00:52:43,202
It's like double Dutch.
You gotta wait for your turn.

1168
00:52:43,286 --> 00:52:44,328
[audience laughing]

1169
00:52:44,412 --> 00:52:47,123
Not her. She's in there
the whole time. Like...

1170
00:52:47,206 --> 00:52:50,501
I got this. This is my talk.
This is my talk. Back it off.

1171
00:52:50,585 --> 00:52:53,629
Can someone else talk?
Get outta here, [unclear], this is me.

1172
00:52:53,713 --> 00:52:56,299
Big Mac, Fillet-o-Fish,
Quarter Pounder, French Fries,

1173
00:52:56,382 --> 00:52:58,718
I see Coke, milkshake,
sundaes, and apple pie.

1174
00:52:58,801 --> 00:53:01,762
[audience cheering and clapping]

1175
00:53:07,602 --> 00:53:08,853
You wanna talk?

1176
00:53:09,645 --> 00:53:10,646
Talk.

1177
00:53:11,606 --> 00:53:15,151
Go in your closet, take your clothes off,
and talk all night long.

1178
00:53:16,110 --> 00:53:18,112
But why do I have to be there?

1179
00:53:18,195 --> 00:53:19,780
[audience laughing]

1180
00:53:19,864 --> 00:53:23,534
It's this emotional backboard.
She doesn't care what I think or say.

1181
00:53:24,744 --> 00:53:26,120
She wants me there.

1182
00:53:27,663 --> 00:53:28,539
Why?

1183
00:53:29,540 --> 00:53:30,958
Talk.

1184
00:53:31,042 --> 00:53:32,043
Go.

1185
00:53:32,710 --> 00:53:34,378
I always gotta be there, though.

1186
00:53:35,838 --> 00:53:37,465
I'm literally brushing my teeth.

1187
00:53:38,215 --> 00:53:39,342
Getting ready for bed.

1188
00:53:40,718 --> 00:53:41,844
And I hear it.

1189
00:53:41,928 --> 00:53:44,889
[audience laughing]

1190
00:53:45,014 --> 00:53:46,432
Telling me things.

1191
00:53:49,685 --> 00:53:52,813
That I experienced with her.
I was with her all day.

1192
00:53:52,897 --> 00:53:54,774
[audience laughing]

1193
00:53:57,652 --> 00:54:00,279
Can't believe Alan stood up
in front of everybody

1194
00:54:00,363 --> 00:54:02,323
revealing facts about his son.

1195
00:54:02,406 --> 00:54:05,201
I didn't like that at all.
I couldn't believe it.

1196
00:54:06,035 --> 00:54:07,370
Could you believe it?

1197
00:54:11,165 --> 00:54:14,085
In my head, I'm going, "Yes, I can.
You know why?

1198
00:54:16,170 --> 00:54:17,463
'Cause I was there."

1199
00:54:17,546 --> 00:54:19,757
[audience laughing]

1200
00:54:19,840 --> 00:54:21,676
This was your point of view.

1201
00:54:23,803 --> 00:54:25,596
[audience laughing]

1202
00:54:25,680 --> 00:54:27,348
This was mine. I was there.

1203
00:54:27,431 --> 00:54:30,017
I experienced everything with you!

1204
00:54:31,227 --> 00:54:33,771
Na-na-na-na-na...

1205
00:54:35,314 --> 00:54:38,609
Talking herself to sleep.
Literally talking herself through sleep.

1206
00:54:39,527 --> 00:54:41,570
You know how much you wanna go to sleep
and you're tired?

1207
00:54:41,654 --> 00:54:43,280
And she's still fighting it.

1208
00:54:43,364 --> 00:54:45,199
[mumbling]

1209
00:54:45,783 --> 00:54:49,704
[exhale, mumbling]

1210
00:54:51,998 --> 00:54:53,541
[mumbling]

1211
00:54:57,169 --> 00:54:58,379
Finally.

1212
00:54:59,380 --> 00:55:01,549
It goes quiet. Sweet quiet.

1213
00:55:03,884 --> 00:55:05,219
You go to bed.

1214
00:55:06,595 --> 00:55:07,972
Next morning I wake up.

1215
00:55:08,055 --> 00:55:09,932
[audience laughing softly]

1216
00:55:12,101 --> 00:55:13,561
I'm brushing my teeth.

1217
00:55:16,272 --> 00:55:18,315
And it starts up again in the other room.

1218
00:55:18,399 --> 00:55:20,151
[audience laughing]

1219
00:55:22,028 --> 00:55:24,989
I'm like, "What new knowledge
did you pick up..."

1220
00:55:25,072 --> 00:55:27,992
[audience laughing]

1221
00:55:28,075 --> 00:55:28,993
"...overnight?"

1222
00:55:29,076 --> 00:55:31,704
What did you get?
What could you have picked up?

1223
00:55:31,787 --> 00:55:33,497
Nothing new happened.

1224
00:55:33,581 --> 00:55:35,708
[audience laughing softly]

1225
00:55:38,377 --> 00:55:39,795
But she wants me there.

1226
00:55:41,005 --> 00:55:42,798
She wants me in that conversation.

1227
00:55:43,466 --> 00:55:45,968
Again, doesn't care
about what I have to say.

1228
00:55:46,052 --> 00:55:48,512
Does... doesn't matter. She wants me there.

1229
00:55:48,596 --> 00:55:51,766
And she tries to get me
snagged into these conversations.

1230
00:55:51,849 --> 00:55:54,185
She'll like lob out half sentences to me.

1231
00:55:54,268 --> 00:55:58,314
That's what she'll do. She'll lob them out
like she fly fishing to try to catch me.

1232
00:55:59,482 --> 00:56:00,649
[loud sigh]

1233
00:56:04,278 --> 00:56:06,822
I sure hope Ellen's gonna be okay.

1234
00:56:06,906 --> 00:56:09,116
[audience laughing]

1235
00:56:20,252 --> 00:56:22,797
I usually let the first one just pass by.

1236
00:56:22,880 --> 00:56:25,132
[audience laughing]

1237
00:56:25,216 --> 00:56:28,052
'Cause if enough time passes,
I can just kinda... [mumbles]

1238
00:56:28,135 --> 00:56:29,929
[audience laughing]

1239
00:56:32,306 --> 00:56:33,808
But there's always a follow-up.

1240
00:56:35,643 --> 00:56:37,603
Sure hope they can work through this.

1241
00:56:38,813 --> 00:56:40,314
Okay, we gotta engage.

1242
00:56:40,397 --> 00:56:42,525
[audience laughing]

1243
00:56:42,608 --> 00:56:44,110
I'm thinking, "What's our plan?"

1244
00:56:44,193 --> 00:56:46,028
Our plan is, we wanna get outta here
as quickly as possible.

1245
00:56:46,112 --> 00:56:47,822
We have so much stuff to do.

1246
00:56:47,905 --> 00:56:49,615
But we can't try
to shorten the conversation.

1247
00:56:49,698 --> 00:56:51,575
We know that, 'cause she'll sense that.
She's good at that.

1248
00:56:51,659 --> 00:56:54,662
And then she'll tack on 45 minutes
just out of spite, so...

1249
00:56:54,745 --> 00:56:56,038
[audience laughing softly]

1250
00:56:56,914 --> 00:56:58,207
What if I steer into it?

1251
00:56:58,290 --> 00:57:00,543
What if I go in the other way?
It's dangerous, but it's...

1252
00:57:00,626 --> 00:57:02,920
Risky move, but it could pay off.

1253
00:57:03,003 --> 00:57:04,964
Let's just go into it and I did it.

1254
00:57:05,047 --> 00:57:06,632
Hey, honey. Yeah.

1255
00:57:07,591 --> 00:57:08,551
Let's do it.

1256
00:57:11,220 --> 00:57:12,263
Let's do what?

1257
00:57:17,101 --> 00:57:19,395
Let's just talk about Helen
all morning long.

1258
00:57:19,478 --> 00:57:20,437
[audience laughing]

1259
00:57:20,521 --> 00:57:24,024
Let's just do it. We'll grab a couple
of beanbag chairs. Put on a pot of coffee.

1260
00:57:24,108 --> 00:57:26,402
We'll sit down.
You tell me everything about Helen

1261
00:57:26,485 --> 00:57:28,237
from conception to this morning.

1262
00:57:28,320 --> 00:57:29,363
[audience laughing]

1263
00:57:29,446 --> 00:57:32,241
Let's do it. Let's just get knee-deep
in Helen. What do you say?

1264
00:57:35,077 --> 00:57:38,497
Okay, first of all, it's Ellen.
It's not Helen. There's no H, okay?

1265
00:57:38,581 --> 00:57:40,708
[audience laughing]

1266
00:57:40,791 --> 00:57:43,043
She's my friend from Pilates
who you don't know.

1267
00:57:43,127 --> 00:57:45,045
She's going through some stuff right now.

1268
00:57:47,840 --> 00:57:50,801
But let's do it.
Let's just do it anyway. I don't care.

1269
00:57:50,885 --> 00:57:52,178
I wanna learn about her.

1270
00:57:52,261 --> 00:57:55,264
And I wanna be here
to learn about her, with you.

1271
00:57:56,891 --> 00:57:57,975
What do you say?

1272
00:57:58,684 --> 00:57:59,560
[loud exhale]

1273
00:58:06,066 --> 00:58:08,485
[audience laughing]

1274
00:58:08,569 --> 00:58:09,737
No.

1275
00:58:09,820 --> 00:58:12,531
I promised her
I wouldn't say anything to anybody.

1276
00:58:12,615 --> 00:58:14,992
[audience laughing]

1277
00:58:17,203 --> 00:58:18,078
Okay.

1278
00:58:18,954 --> 00:58:20,664
I really wanted to be here for you.
I love you.

1279
00:58:20,748 --> 00:58:23,250
I just wanted to let you know that.
I'll see you later, okay.

1280
00:58:23,334 --> 00:58:28,047
[audience cheering and clapping]

1281
00:58:28,130 --> 00:58:30,925
There's always a follow-up.
All right, I'll tell you.

1282
00:58:31,008 --> 00:58:34,470
But you gotta promise me
you're not gonna tell anybody else.

1283
00:58:35,512 --> 00:58:37,973
Promise you? I can't do that.

1284
00:58:38,057 --> 00:58:40,309
What if I'm playing softball
with the guys?

1285
00:58:40,392 --> 00:58:42,937
And we're warming up
and I'm throwing with my buddy

1286
00:58:43,020 --> 00:58:45,898
and he's like, "Hey, anything going on
with your wife's friends at Pilates

1287
00:58:45,981 --> 00:58:47,900
- that I should know about?"
- [audience laughing]

1288
00:58:47,983 --> 00:58:49,860
I can't believe you brought that up.

1289
00:58:49,944 --> 00:58:52,947
Yes. Guys, bring it in.
Everybody, bring it in, both teams.

1290
00:58:53,030 --> 00:58:54,531
Come out of the dugout.

1291
00:58:54,615 --> 00:58:59,745
Everybody, take a knee. I wanna tell you
about my wife's friend Ellen or Helen,

1292
00:58:59,828 --> 00:59:02,873
- who I don't know, from Pilates.
- [audience laughing]

1293
00:59:02,957 --> 00:59:05,376
She's going through some stuff right now.

1294
00:59:05,459 --> 00:59:08,504
No, hands down,
I'll answer questions afterwards.

1295
00:59:08,587 --> 00:59:09,964
[audience laughing]

1296
00:59:10,047 --> 00:59:13,092
You gotta promise me
you're not gonna tell anybody.

1297
00:59:13,175 --> 00:59:16,387
How about I promise you
I'm not listening to a word you're saying

1298
00:59:16,470 --> 00:59:18,013
as you're saying it?

1299
00:59:18,097 --> 00:59:21,433
How about none of your words
are actually reaching my ears?

1300
00:59:21,517 --> 00:59:22,393
Nothing. Nothing.

1301
00:59:22,476 --> 00:59:25,104
They're exploding in the atmosphere
before they reach me

1302
00:59:25,187 --> 00:59:28,065
like a fourth of July party, like...
[soft popping sounds]

1303
00:59:28,148 --> 00:59:30,734
I can't believe... [popping sounds]

1304
00:59:30,818 --> 00:59:32,820
I can't believe she named...
[popping sounds]

1305
00:59:32,903 --> 00:59:35,948
And I told her her coworkers...
[popping sounds]

1306
00:59:36,031 --> 00:59:38,075
I'm getting none of this. [popping sounds]

1307
00:59:38,158 --> 00:59:39,827
I'm getting none of it. [popping sounds]

1308
00:59:39,910 --> 00:59:42,079
I didn't even know
you were taking Pilates.

1309
00:59:42,162 --> 00:59:44,456
- [popping sounds]
- [audience laughing]

1310
00:59:44,540 --> 00:59:47,501
Just gotta beat her at her own game.
That's all you gotta do.

1311
00:59:47,584 --> 00:59:48,961
Fourteen. What?

1312
00:59:49,044 --> 00:59:51,171
Fourteen. What?

1313
00:59:51,255 --> 00:59:55,175
That's how many tater tots I think
I can fit my mouth without dropping any.

1314
00:59:55,259 --> 00:59:57,928
You guys are the greatest!
God bless you all!

1315
00:59:58,429 --> 01:00:00,931
♪ <i>I'm a natural born killer</i> ♪

1316
01:00:01,015 --> 01:00:03,934
[audience cheering and clapping]

1317
01:00:13,277 --> 01:00:15,487
{\an8}♪ <i>I'm a natural born</i> ♪

1318
01:00:16,071 --> 01:00:17,197
{\an8}♪ <i>Take this</i> ♪

1319
01:00:18,115 --> 01:00:19,325
{\an8}♪ <i>Hopeless</i> ♪

1320
01:00:19,908 --> 01:00:22,619
{\an8}♪ <i>Broken soul of this</i> ♪

1321
01:00:23,203 --> 01:00:24,371
{\an8}♪ <i>Remote control</i> ♪

1322
01:00:25,331 --> 01:00:26,457
{\an8}♪ <i>Plot twist</i> ♪

1323
01:00:26,540 --> 01:00:30,336
{\an8}♪ <i>A whole generation lost
With no promise</i> ♪

1324
01:00:30,419 --> 01:00:32,796
{\an8}♪ <i>Can you feel my love</i> ♪

1325
01:00:34,173 --> 01:00:36,342
{\an8}♪ <i>Do you know my pain</i> ♪

1326
01:00:37,634 --> 01:00:40,763
{\an8}♪ <i>It's in my head every night I replay</i> ♪

1327
01:00:40,846 --> 01:00:42,306
{\an8}♪ <i>A deadly game</i> ♪

1328
01:00:42,389 --> 01:00:45,392
{\an8}♪ <i>For a natural born killer</i> ♪

1329
01:00:49,563 --> 01:00:53,525
{\an8}♪ <i>I'm a natural born killer</i> ♪

1330
01:00:57,488 --> 01:01:00,282
{\an8}♪ <i>Natural born killer</i> ♪

1331
01:01:00,366 --> 01:01:01,575
{\an8}♪ <i>Okay</i> ♪

1332
01:01:02,242 --> 01:01:03,619
{\an8}♪ <i>It's game face</i> ♪

1333
01:01:04,203 --> 01:01:05,662
{\an8}♪ <i>Go time</i> ♪

1334
01:01:05,746 --> 01:01:07,164
{\an8}♪ <i>Don't play</i> ♪

1335
01:01:07,956 --> 01:01:09,249
{\an8}♪ <i>Never stand</i> ♪

1336
01:01:09,833 --> 01:01:11,460
{\an8}♪ <i>In place</i> ♪

1337
01:01:11,543 --> 01:01:14,630
{\an8}♪ <i>Just move, so don't wait</i> ♪

1338
01:01:15,130 --> 01:01:16,507
{\an8}♪ <i>'Cause all day</i> ♪

1339
01:01:17,132 --> 01:01:18,384
{\an8}♪ <i>They'll say</i> ♪

1340
01:01:18,967 --> 01:01:20,135
{\an8}♪ <i>Nice work</i> ♪

1341
01:01:20,719 --> 01:01:22,096
{\an8}♪ <i>But no pay</i> ♪

1342
01:01:22,679 --> 01:01:23,889
{\an8}♪ <i>Good game</i> ♪

1343
01:01:24,556 --> 01:01:25,682
{\an8}♪ <i>Pump fame</i> ♪

1344
01:01:26,350 --> 01:01:27,476
{\an8}♪ <i>Reach out</i> ♪

1345
01:01:28,143 --> 01:01:29,478
{\an8}♪ <i>Touch faith</i> ♪

1346
01:01:29,561 --> 01:01:31,855
{\an8}♪ <i>Can you feel my heart</i> ♪

1347
01:01:33,440 --> 01:01:35,442
{\an8}♪ <i>Do you know my name</i> ♪

1348
01:01:36,819 --> 01:01:39,363
{\an8}♪ <i>Can you feel my love</i> ♪

1349
01:01:40,781 --> 01:01:42,991
{\an8}♪ <i>Do you know my pain</i> ♪