1
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<i>♪ Wake up in the midnight ♪</i>

2
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<i>♪ Heavy heart, hit another red light ♪</i>

3
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<i>♪ The last flowers, the first sight ♪</i>

4
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<i>♪ The first time I saw you
Gave me half life ♪</i>

5
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<i>♪ You the only one I really want now ♪</i>

6
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<i>♪ You the only one to make me slow down ♪</i>

7
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<i>♪ You the only one to make me slow down ♪</i>

8
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<i>♪ I'll be better... ♪</i>

9
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Hey!

10
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[crowd cheering]

11
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How are ya?

12
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Look at us. We're all here!

13
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We're all here. This is so exciting.

14
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Oh my gosh.

15
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What better place to be
than the Vivian Beaumont Theater

16
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at Lincoln Center, which is one
of the Lincoln centers at Lincoln Center.

17
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And... congratulations
on finding the correct one.

18
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[crowd chuckles]

19
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I'm thrilled you're here.

20
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I'm... My last show
was called "The New One,"

21
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and it was down about 15 blocks that way.

22
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You saw it.

23
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You saw it.

24
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[crowd cheers]

25
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And this one is called "The Old Man

26
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and The Pool."

27
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[crowd chuckles]

28
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So in 2017, I went for my annual checkup,

29
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which I always dread 'cause I have
a lot of pre-existing conditions,

30
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which I call "conditions"
because everything is existing.

31
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Uh, if it does, then everything is pre,

32
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unless it happened
on the way to the appointment.

33
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- [crowd laughs]
- So when I get that checklist,

34
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I just circle the whole thing,
and then I cross out pregnant.

35
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- [crowd laughs]
- But...

36
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I turned 44 this year.

37
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I've found as I've gotten older,
the items in my doctor's office

38
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that I thought were decorative...

39
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[crowd laughs]

40
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...are quite functional.

41
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So, I'll give you an example.

42
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My physician, this guy Dr. Walsh,
asked me to blow into a tube.

43
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It's a pulmonary test,
and there's a ball in the tube,

44
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and it simulates blowing out a candle,

45
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which is why I call it
the Birthday Cake Test.

46
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It sorta tells you
how many birthday cakes you have left.

47
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- And...
- [crowd laughs]

48
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More or less, you know.
And so I did it. I went... [blows]

49
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...and he's looking at the screen
and goes, "Go ahead and do it."

50
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- [crowd laughs]
- And...

51
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Right, I've done it.

52
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And so I... I had to tell him.

53
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I was like, "I did it,"
and then he goes, "Do it again."

54
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And so I gave it some more.
I went... [blows]

55
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Dr. Walsh taps the screen
like it's a broken '80s television,

56
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and then he does sort of like an act out.

57
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He goes, "Maybe go more like this."

58
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And I thought,
"I don't know a lot about breathing,

59
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but I'm pretty sure
it's not in the shoulders."

60
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- And...
- [crowd laughs]

61
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...and then he pulls up a chair and goes,
"I don't know what to tell you, Mike."

62
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"If I was just going by
that machine right there,

63
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I would say you're having a heart attack...

64
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[crowd laughs]

65
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...right now."

66
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When he said that, I got so worried

67
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'cause I thought, "If I thought
I were having a heart attack,

68
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I would either go to the emergency room,
or I would call him."

69
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[crowd laughs]

70
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So I said,

71
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"Am I having a heart attack?"

72
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He said, "I don't think so."

73
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And I said,
"I need a more concrete answer than that."

74
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[crowd chuckles]

75
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And then he said,
"I'm gonna send you across town

76
00:03:25,747 --> 00:03:27,999
to see a cardiologist
for a second opinion."

77
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I get worried
when I hear the phrase "second opinion."

78
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I was under the impression
the first analysis was fact-based.

79
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[crowd laughs]

80
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I didn't know
we were just taking swings in the dark.

81
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If I knew it were opinion time,

82
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I'd point out
that I don't enjoy sitting on paper.

83
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- Um...
- [crowd laughs]

84
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...that always makes me feel like a chicken.

85
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And I feel like you could digitize
some of the forms in the waiting room.

86
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I feel like I filled
a few of those out before.

87
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[crowd laughs]

88
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Those are opinions.

89
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So I get on the crosstown bus,

90
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which was
sort of a slow ambulance with stops.

91
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[crowd laughs]

92
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That's another opinion.

93
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And then I... I meet my new cardiologist.

94
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And guess what she asked me to do?
Does anyone wanna guess?

95
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- [crowd] To blow.
- [Mike] Blow into the tube.

96
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And I go,
"I took that one. I got heart attack."

97
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- And...
- [crowd laughs]

98
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She said, "Oh wow. That's a low score."

99
00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:23,179
[crowd laughs]

100
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She said, "Do you have a history
of heart disease in your family?"

101
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I go, "Well, my dad had
a heart attack when he was 56,

102
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and actually, his dad
had a heart attack when he was 56."

103
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So I've always thought
I should set aside that whole year...

104
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[crowd laughs]

105
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...get an Airbnb by the hospital
and keep a flexible schedule.

106
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I think that might be a big year for me.

107
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- And...
- [crowd laughs]

108
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...she said,
"Well, based on your family history,

109
00:04:47,161 --> 00:04:50,081
I would recommend
you do cardio five days a week."

110
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And I said, "I don't think
anybody does cardio five days a week."

111
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[crowd laughs]

112
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She said, "A lot of people
do cardio five days a week."

113
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I said, "I don't even think

114
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,508
professional athletes do cardio
five days a week.

115
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She said, "Professional athletes
definitely do cardio five days a week."

116
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We talked about this for about 45 minutes.

117
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[crowd laughs]

118
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We agree to disagree at this point.

119
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I'm sweaty and out of breath.

120
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A little hungry.
I'm always a little hungry. And, um...

121
00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:18,901
[crowd laughs]

122
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:22,405
...she said, uh,
"Didn't you play sports growing up?"

123
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I go, "Yeah, I played soccer,
but I could blend in in practice."

124
00:05:26,909 --> 00:05:28,828
You know what I mean? People'd be like,

125
00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:31,122
"There's Mike!"
Like, "No, Mike is in the woods."

126
00:05:31,205 --> 00:05:33,624
- You know what I mean? And then...
- [crowd laughs]

127
00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:36,210
...and then, in ninth grade,
I joined the wrestling team,

128
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which was a huge mistake,
my teammates explained to me.

129
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Because you cannot blend in
in wrestling practice.

130
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:49,098
You have to actually wrestle
or, in my case, be wrestled upon

131
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by these young muscly gentlemen

132
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whose crotches would inevitably
be pressed up against my face

133
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as though they were doing a victory dance,

134
00:05:58,941 --> 00:06:02,570
all the while
I'm wearing a women's bathing suit

135
00:06:02,653 --> 00:06:05,281
that they call a singlet.

136
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:08,034
- But I was building character.
- [crowd laughs]

137
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And that character
was a lifeguard from the 1920s.

138
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[crowd laughs]

139
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:19,212
I hated wrestling practice
more than anything in my life

140
00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:21,214
'cause we had to do so many push-ups,

141
00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:24,342
and at a very early age, I lost the will...

142
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[crowd laughs]

143
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...to push up.

144
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:31,307
You know, like,
I... I get in that first position,

145
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,893
and I think,
"This is nice. You know, this is..."

146
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,896
"This is a good new lying position."

147
00:06:36,979 --> 00:06:39,524
Then I sort of lean into my hand
a little bit.

148
00:06:39,607 --> 00:06:41,526
I think, "These hands are so soft."

149
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:45,655
- These hands are nature's pillows. Really.
- [crowd laughs]

150
00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:48,741
So we would do push-ups,
and then we would wrestle each other.

151
00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:51,035
I was in the 152-pound weight class.

152
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:55,706
Based on ability, they paired me up
with our team's 102-pound wrestler.

153
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:56,958
[crowd laughs]

154
00:06:57,041 --> 00:07:01,003
I don't know if you've seen
a lot of 102-pound people. Uh...

155
00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:04,924
- These are smaller folks. Um...
- [crowd laughs]

156
00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:09,387
It's a little bit
like wrestling your own baby. And...

157
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:10,513
[crowd laughs]

158
00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:15,059
...this magical baby
would pin me multiple times per practice.

159
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It was like watching a paperweight
be pinned by paper. And...

160
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[crowd laughs]

161
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,571
So I was terrible. I mean, I was so bad.

162
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:28,823
I wasn't good enough
to compete or anything.

163
00:07:28,906 --> 00:07:31,534
But I did travel with the team,
and I'd wear the same outfit.

164
00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:33,995
And if there was time permitting
after the matches,

165
00:07:34,078 --> 00:07:37,123
they would send us B-teamers
out to wrestle their B-teamers.

166
00:07:37,206 --> 00:07:40,543
When they did this,
I developed the secret strategy

167
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:43,129
to be pinned as quickly as possible,

168
00:07:43,212 --> 00:07:46,716
so this portion of my life would be over.

169
00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:49,719
And that strategy ran into a snag

170
00:07:49,802 --> 00:07:54,307
when I encountered an opponent
who had the same strategy, so...

171
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[crowd laughs]

172
00:07:58,019 --> 00:08:01,230
So we're out there for a while, and...

173
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,565
[crowd laughs]

174
00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:06,569
...we're flashing each other signals,
like, "You can pin me."

175
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:10,239
You know what I mean? Just like,
"Here's my knee. Here's my head."

176
00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:12,200
"I can't even do push-ups."

177
00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:13,659
"These hands are nature's pillows."

178
00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:14,619
"Oh, I know."

179
00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:16,746
[crowd laughs]

180
00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:19,582
So, it was like a stalemate.

181
00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:22,835
But there are three starting positions
in high school wrestling

182
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:24,086
that move it along.

183
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:27,715
There's the, like, "I hump you."
And then there's the "you hump me."

184
00:08:27,798 --> 00:08:30,009
- [crowd laughing]
- And then there's the "who humps who."

185
00:08:30,092 --> 00:08:33,429
And that's sort of
the neutral Greco-Roman.

186
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:36,724
'Cause I believe it was the Greeks
who posed the question,

187
00:08:36,807 --> 00:08:38,726
- "Who humps who?"
- [crowd laughs]

188
00:08:38,809 --> 00:08:42,188
And the Romans who answered, "Everybody."

189
00:08:42,271 --> 00:08:45,191
- And...
- [crowd laughs]

190
00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:48,945
- I'm not a historian, but...
- [crowd laughs]

191
00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:52,281
...I get into the "I hump you"
with this opposing B-teamer,

192
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,659
and the ref blows the whistle,

193
00:08:54,742 --> 00:08:57,745
and somehow, and I can't
even describe it to this very day,

194
00:08:57,828 --> 00:09:00,498
I'm pinning him, and I can't believe it.

195
00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:02,458
He also can't believe it.

196
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:05,753
And my teammates were stunned.
They cleared the bench.

197
00:09:05,836 --> 00:09:08,548
They go, "Mike! Squeeze!"

198
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,716
Which in wrestling means "squeeze."

199
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:13,261
And so I squeeze.

200
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:15,763
All of a sudden,
there's blood all over the mat.

201
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,515
- [man] No!
- No, I know.

202
00:09:17,598 --> 00:09:18,933
[laughs]

203
00:09:19,016 --> 00:09:21,227
How do you think I felt? I was like,

204
00:09:21,310 --> 00:09:23,521
"I killed this guy."
You know what I mean? Like,

205
00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:26,566
"I'm gonna be on the run from the law
for the rest of my life."

206
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,318
Birbiglia, the Wrestling Bandit.

207
00:09:30,152 --> 00:09:31,737
One pin, one kill.

208
00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:33,406
[crowd laughs]

209
00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:37,285
Couldn't do a push-up.
Murdered a young boy with his bare hands.

210
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:38,578
[crowd laughs]

211
00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:40,371
He called them "nature's pillows."

212
00:09:40,454 --> 00:09:42,331
[crowd laughs]

213
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:46,210
I realize it's my own blood
streaming out of my nose onto the mat.

214
00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:48,629
Based on no physical injury whatsoever.

215
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:52,675
Just from the sheer nervousness
of possibly winning anything at all.

216
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:55,094
My... my body is like, "What do we do?"

217
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,763
"Let's just bleed.
We'll figure it out tomorrow."

218
00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:01,392
The ref blows the whistle.
He goes, "Blood on the mat."

219
00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:03,436
- Which was obvious.
- [crowd laughs]

220
00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:06,188
This little blood boy runs out with a rag.

221
00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:08,941
[chuckling] Wipes it down. Jogs off.

222
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:13,904
My teammates plug my nose.
They go, "Mike, you get back out there."

223
00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:16,449
"You do what you just did."

224
00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:20,703
- These fools thought that I knew...
- [crowd laughs]

225
00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:22,038
...what I had just done.

226
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:23,122
And I jogged out.

227
00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:25,541
And I get in the "I hump you."

228
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:29,086
And the ref blows the whistle,
and I'm immediately pinned.

229
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:30,171
[crowd laughs]

230
00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:32,632
That was the closest I would come
to winning a wrestling match

231
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:33,841
for the rest of my life.

232
00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:36,802
- That's how I ended up here.
- [crowd laughs]

233
00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:39,889
The Vivian Beaumont Theater.
That's how we all ended up here.

234
00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:41,515
- [crowd cheering]
- In a sense.

235
00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:47,730
So, I explained all of this
to my cardiologist.

236
00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:50,983
[crowd laughs]

237
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:52,568
The bullet points. The big stuff.

238
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:56,697
I said, "I don't think it's realistic
that I could do cardio five days a week."

239
00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:00,701
She said, "What about swimming?
Do you like swimming?"

240
00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:05,748
[crowd chuckles]

241
00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:07,416
When I was five years old...

242
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,834
[crowd laughs]

243
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:12,129
...my mom took me to the YMCA pool
in Worcester, Massachusetts,

244
00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,757
and I hated everything about it.
It was wet.

245
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,050
[crowd laughs]

246
00:11:16,133 --> 00:11:18,469
Sweaty. It smelled like...
You know when you're a kid,

247
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:20,888
and your friend let you smell
under their cast?

248
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:23,599
[crowd laughs]

249
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:26,352
Right. It's like if that smell

250
00:11:27,853 --> 00:11:30,022
became a building. You know what I mean?

251
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:33,859
And then someone just sprayed it down
with over-chlorinated water.

252
00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:37,238
I don't think they were using
the right amount of chlorine in that pool.

253
00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:39,490
I'm not sure they had the directions.

254
00:11:39,573 --> 00:11:42,660
I think some
overzealous administrator was like,

255
00:11:42,743 --> 00:11:45,913
"One part water, two parts chlorine."

256
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,457
They were like, "Janice, no!"

257
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,668
She's like, "I'm just doing my job."

258
00:11:50,751 --> 00:11:52,753
[crowd laughs]

259
00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:58,509
I don't know what kind of heinous crime
they're covering up with that pool,

260
00:11:58,592 --> 00:12:01,470
but I think something might've gone down.

261
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,931
Like, there was a mob hit
in the middle of the night.

262
00:12:04,014 --> 00:12:06,517
A bunch of goons.
They're like, "Do we dig a ditch,

263
00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:10,479
or do we bring the body
down to the YMCA pool?"

264
00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:15,443
"I got a family membership.
We'll use a guest pass for the corpse."

265
00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:19,363
"We drop it in the pool.
It disintegrates within six hours."

266
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:22,908
It's a lot of chlorine,
is what I'm getting at. It's...

267
00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:24,994
[crowd laughs]

268
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,205
...it's so much chlorine.

269
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:31,876
Because it's so much urine.
I mean, that's...

270
00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:33,252
[crowd laughs]

271
00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:37,047
I know, I hate to be
the bearer of bad news, but, uh,

272
00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:41,177
I looked it up, and it's not great
out there on the internet. I mean, I...

273
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:42,344
[crowd laughs]

274
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:44,346
Well, I read about this scientific study

275
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:48,350
where these folks analyzed
a 200,000-gallon public pool,

276
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:52,021
and they concluded
that it contained 20 gallons of...

277
00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:53,981
- [woman] Oh.
- Yeah, I know. I...

278
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,567
I thought this is something
you should know.

279
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,110
[crowd laughs]

280
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:02,782
Twenty gallons of pure urine, uh,
which is too much, I think. I mean...

281
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:05,367
- [crowd laughs]
- Right? I mean, percent...

282
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:06,619
[laughs]

283
00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:10,122
...percentage-wise, it's not that much,
but if you picture it,

284
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:13,125
that's a full tank of gas!

285
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:16,712
I mean, that's a...
that's a Ford F-150 full of urine,

286
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:20,090
and that'll...
that'll get you to Pittsburgh and...

287
00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:22,176
[crowd laughs]

288
00:13:24,261 --> 00:13:28,891
I feel like the good Christians who run
the Young Men's Christian Association

289
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:33,229
are aware, uh,
that there is a urine problem,

290
00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:35,689
which is why there are signs everywhere

291
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:39,318
at the Y begging you not to urinate...

292
00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:41,654
[crowd laughs]

293
00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:43,614
...in the pool. Just "Please."

294
00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:45,449
[crowd laughs]

295
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:47,243
"Please don't pee in the pool."

296
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,871
Which might as well just say,
"What better place to pee?"

297
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:52,957
[crowd laughs]

298
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:56,460
"The pool." [chuckles]

299
00:13:56,544 --> 00:14:00,130
I'm sort of obsessed with the signs
at the Y 'cause I feel like they tell you

300
00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:02,299
the stories of what has occurred at the Y,
you know.

301
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:04,718
There's that one that says,
"Slippery when wet,"

302
00:14:04,802 --> 00:14:07,763
and you know some kid
went down pretty hard on them tiles.

303
00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:10,808
A frazzled lifeguard grabbed a Sharpie

304
00:14:10,891 --> 00:14:14,061
and wrote, "Slippery... when..."

305
00:14:14,728 --> 00:14:17,189
You don't see "when" on a lot of signage.

306
00:14:18,065 --> 00:14:20,067
[crowd laughs]

307
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:25,614
It's not often a subordinate clause
is utilized in a form that values brevity.

308
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:27,950
[crowd laughs]

309
00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:29,368
"Slippery when wet."

310
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,579
It could just say "Slippery."

311
00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:33,622
[crowd laughs]

312
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:40,254
It's wet the majority
of the time. I mean...

313
00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:42,339
[crowd laughs]

314
00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:50,055
There was this sign growing up that said,
"Please shower before entering the pool."

315
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:53,350
And I feel like that was written
for one guy. You know what I mean? Like...

316
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:57,021
I think the first draft
of that one said, "Greg..."

317
00:14:57,104 --> 00:14:59,106
[crowd laughs]

318
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:02,151
[laughs] But...

319
00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:06,113
[inhales] But I feel like the sign
that was most flagrantly disobeyed

320
00:15:06,196 --> 00:15:08,198
in my childhood at the Y

321
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:10,451
was in the locker room, and it said,

322
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:12,953
"Please remain
properly covered at all times."

323
00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,580
And I... I never witnessed that.

324
00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:17,124
I mean, I remember when I was five,
my mom brought me

325
00:15:17,207 --> 00:15:20,628
into the women's locker room,
and I'd never seen a vagina before.

326
00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:23,172
And then I saw 100 vaginas.

327
00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:27,259
And then when I was six,
she sent me into the men's locker room.

328
00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:29,303
I think the only thing more shocking...

329
00:15:29,386 --> 00:15:30,679
[crowd laughs]

330
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,557
...than 100 vaginas is 100 penises...

331
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:35,392
[crowd laughs]

332
00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:37,436
...at eye level, and...

333
00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:39,271
[crowd laughs]

334
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:40,856
...and they were grown-up penises.

335
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:43,025
It's a surprisingly crucial detail

336
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:46,445
'cause I just had the six-year-old penis,

337
00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:49,949
and I'm looking at the grown-up penises,
and I'm thinking, "Oh no."

338
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:51,784
[crowd laughs]

339
00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:53,577
"This is gonna be a long life."

340
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:57,289
And then I'm looking side-to-side
for child penises...

341
00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:59,500
Please don't quote this out of context.

342
00:15:59,583 --> 00:16:02,461
I feel like... we could end a career

343
00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:05,255
with a few sloppy keystrokes, but...

344
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:07,341
[crowd laughs]

345
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,470
I remember that locker room so well

346
00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:15,432
'cause when I was about seven years old,
there was this old man

347
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:18,769
who would come in,
probably the oldest man I'd ever seen.

348
00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:21,730
He's like 120, 130 years old.

349
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,148
[crowd laughs]

350
00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:26,902
And he would sit on the bench
in the locker room

351
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:28,696
completely naked.

352
00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:31,573
I mean, he wasn't properly covered.

353
00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:32,741
[crowd laughs]

354
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:36,203
It's possible
he'd been peeing in the pool all day.

355
00:16:36,286 --> 00:16:38,664
[crowd laughs]

356
00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:42,584
And this ancient man would
sort of massage his testicles

357
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:43,836
with baby powder.

358
00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:45,879
Stay with me. I wanna be clear...

359
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:48,007
[laughs]

360
00:16:53,887 --> 00:16:56,306
...I wanna be clear
I'm not being intentionally gratuitous.

361
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:59,601
I'm trying to convey
an accurate memory from my childhood

362
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:02,104
I feel might be humorous

363
00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:04,815
if it were part of your memory also.

364
00:17:04,898 --> 00:17:06,400
[crowd laughs]

365
00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,652
The key thing about this old man

366
00:17:09,611 --> 00:17:11,739
was that he was really taking his time.

367
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:12,781
[crowd laughs]

368
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:15,242
Like a rosin bag on a pitcher's mound.

369
00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:17,077
Just so much patience.

370
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,163
[crowd laughs]

371
00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:22,124
So much powder.

372
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:26,420
So I don't know
if it was the blinding combination

373
00:17:26,503 --> 00:17:30,758
of chlorine and urine
or the jungle of eye-level genitalia

374
00:17:30,841 --> 00:17:33,719
or the 175-year-old man

375
00:17:33,802 --> 00:17:37,931
desperately trying to ease the friction
between his scrotum and his inner thigh.

376
00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:41,226
But I remember thinking,
"I will never return...

377
00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:44,688
to the YMCA pool."

378
00:17:44,772 --> 00:17:46,565
[crowd laughs]

379
00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:49,193
So, I explain this to my cardiologist.

380
00:17:49,276 --> 00:17:51,945
[crowd laughs]

381
00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:53,781
At this point, it was nightfall.

382
00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:57,242
We were roasting marshmallows
over a burning file cabinet.

383
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:00,621
I said, "I don't wanna go
into all the details,

384
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:03,248
but I actually do not enjoy swimming."

385
00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:08,212
[crowd laughs]

386
00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:12,007
She said, "I think you might
wanna reconsider that." You know.

387
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,384
"You know,
It's a great sport for people your age."

388
00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:16,095
"Good for increasing lung capacity."

389
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:19,014
I go, "Yeah, I just don't think
it's something I'm gonna do."

390
00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:22,643
She goes,
"Do you happen to live near a YMCA pool?"

391
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:23,936
[crowd chuckles]

392
00:18:24,019 --> 00:18:26,647
I said, "I do. I live a few blocks
from the Brooklyn YMCA,

393
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:28,857
but I just
can't picture myself going there."

394
00:18:29,441 --> 00:18:31,110
She said,
"I think it might be for the best

395
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:33,278
if you went to the YMCA pool."

396
00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:37,116
I said, "I think I'm not gonna do
what's for the best."

397
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:39,409
[crowd laughs, stops]

398
00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,662
That night I'm heading home
on the subway to Brooklyn,

399
00:18:41,745 --> 00:18:44,289
and I'm experiencing
this shortness of breath

400
00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:46,125
that I sometimes have from anxiety.

401
00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:49,169
I've had this since I was a kid.
It's this feeling where sometimes

402
00:18:49,253 --> 00:18:50,295
when I... [inhales]

403
00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:53,382
...get anxious
I feel like I can't catch my breath. And...

404
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,970
and it's just so bad,
I feel like I might pass out.

405
00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:02,599
I had this when I was really little.
I remember being in the passenger seat

406
00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:06,061
of my dad's car when I was a kid,
and I'm experiencing shortness of breath,

407
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,939
and he looks over and goes,
"Why are you breathing like that?"

408
00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:09,982
[laughs]

409
00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:11,900
Which is always helpful I find

410
00:19:12,651 --> 00:19:14,903
when you're experiencing
a physical difficulty

411
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,197
for someone to scold you
until it goes away.

412
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:18,782
- I am...
- [crowd laughs]

413
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:21,535
...I'm sure that won't
manifest itself later in life.

414
00:19:21,618 --> 00:19:23,370
[crowd laughs]

415
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:26,790
But I'm experiencing it
on the subway home from my doctor,

416
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:29,209
thinking about my dad and my grandfather.

417
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:33,714
My grandfather actually worked in
the subway tunnels in New York, you know.

418
00:19:33,797 --> 00:19:35,424
He was an electrician.

419
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:39,428
And in the '30s, they would
blow up dynamite in these tunnels,

420
00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:41,305
and they'd send the electricians in.

421
00:19:41,388 --> 00:19:44,558
They'd be the first ones in
to light up these dark, dark tunnels.

422
00:19:44,641 --> 00:19:46,977
It's a very dangerous job.
And then after that,

423
00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:49,104
he worked at a bodega in Bushwick.

424
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,314
And supposedly one day,

425
00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:53,817
one of his regular customers
came in and said, "How's it going, Joe?"

426
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,737
He just keeled over the counter and died.

427
00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:00,157
Which is sad.

428
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:04,703
But it's also a pretty funny response
if you think about it.

429
00:20:04,786 --> 00:20:06,788
[crowd laughs]

430
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:12,878
In some ways, he was
the original comedian of the family.

431
00:20:16,131 --> 00:20:18,842
That's an extraordinary
level of commitment.

432
00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:20,969
[crowd laughs]

433
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,975
But I think about him a lot, you know,
because I... I never met him.

434
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:29,478
I live here in New York,
and I never met my grandfather.

435
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:30,812
I always wish I had.

436
00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:33,482
And then, when I was 19 years old,

437
00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:36,401
I was in my college dorm,
and I get a call from my mom.

438
00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:39,863
And she said, "Dad collapsed
on the living room floor."

439
00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:41,865
And... and she called 911.

440
00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:44,576
They rushed him
to Mass General Hospital and...

441
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,664
I... I get off the phone,
and I tell my roommate, Danny.

442
00:20:48,747 --> 00:20:51,041
You know how sometimes you think
you're okay until you relay

443
00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:54,294
the same piece of information
you've been told to somebody else?

444
00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:58,465
And then, in the middle of the sentence,
my voice just collapses into tears.

445
00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:02,970
And I borrow a friend's car,
and I drive 400 miles straight to Boston.

446
00:21:03,053 --> 00:21:05,764
I see my dad in this hospital bed.
They'd saved his life.

447
00:21:05,847 --> 00:21:07,432
They did an emergency angioplasty.

448
00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:10,477
They put a metal stent
into one of his coronary arteries.

449
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:14,398
But he's all beat up. I mean,
they attached machines and wires.

450
00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:18,151
I feel we don't choose
what we remember from our own lives,

451
00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:20,279
but there are two things I remember
from that day.

452
00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:23,532
The first is that it was the first time
I saw my dad as a person.

453
00:21:24,741 --> 00:21:26,827
And the second is
that when I left visiting hours,

454
00:21:26,910 --> 00:21:28,745
I didn't say I love you to my dad.

455
00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:31,957
[sighs]

456
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,083
I wanted to.

457
00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:36,420
We're not an "I love you" family.

458
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,423
Um, we say...

459
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:42,175
"Take care."

460
00:21:42,259 --> 00:21:43,677
[crowd laughs]

461
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:47,347
It's okay for you to laugh at that
'cause it's not the same.

462
00:21:47,431 --> 00:21:49,474
- Uh...
- [crowd laughs]

463
00:21:49,558 --> 00:21:53,228
...at all.
It's actually not even that similar.

464
00:21:53,312 --> 00:21:55,981
Uh, it's an unusual substitution

465
00:21:56,064 --> 00:21:58,692
'cause, first of all,
it doesn't have the word love in it.

466
00:21:58,775 --> 00:22:01,111
[crowd laughs]

467
00:22:01,194 --> 00:22:05,198
[laughing] Second of all,
it's sort of a passive-aggressive command.

468
00:22:05,282 --> 00:22:08,952
Like, "I'm gonna need you
to do something for me. Take care."

469
00:22:09,036 --> 00:22:10,495
You know what I mean? And...

470
00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:12,664
[laughs]

471
00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:15,542
I've tried to reverse this
in subtle ways over the years.

472
00:22:15,625 --> 00:22:18,545
Like, one year, for Mother's Day,
I called my mom. I go, "Mom,

473
00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:21,673
I really appreciate you."

474
00:22:21,757 --> 00:22:23,759
And it was silent on the other end
for a few moments.

475
00:22:23,842 --> 00:22:25,594
And then she said, "Bye now."

476
00:22:25,677 --> 00:22:29,556
[crowd laughs, stops]

477
00:22:29,639 --> 00:22:32,517
So I get off at my subway stop in Brooklyn
and I walk to my apartment

478
00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:34,770
where I live with my wife, Jenny,
and our daughter, Oona,

479
00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:36,480
who was three years old at the time,

480
00:22:36,563 --> 00:22:39,483
which is an amazing age,
but if you have a child that young,

481
00:22:39,566 --> 00:22:41,818
you know that your apartment
becomes what would happen

482
00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:43,904
if you had a rave at a bakery.

483
00:22:43,987 --> 00:22:46,823
You know, it's just sparkles

484
00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:49,534
and glow sticks and bubble makers.

485
00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:52,829
And everyone's like,
"Do you have water?" And...

486
00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:54,998
[crowd laughs]

487
00:22:55,082 --> 00:22:57,334
...all kinds of arts and crafts.

488
00:22:57,417 --> 00:23:01,254
We paint all over the walls
'cause it's a rental.

489
00:23:02,589 --> 00:23:05,092
There's, like, dinosaurs and people.

490
00:23:05,175 --> 00:23:08,595
It's like a creationism museum. And...

491
00:23:08,678 --> 00:23:10,389
[crowd laughs]

492
00:23:10,472 --> 00:23:13,183
...that day, Jenny and Oona
were making these beaded bracelets,

493
00:23:13,266 --> 00:23:16,770
and Oona made me this one.
She goes, "Dad, it says 'Silly.'"

494
00:23:17,771 --> 00:23:21,858
"It's to remind you to be silly."
And I was like, "Thank God."

495
00:23:21,942 --> 00:23:23,485
[crowd laughs]

496
00:23:23,568 --> 00:23:25,570
I think we all
do need a reminder sometimes.

497
00:23:25,654 --> 00:23:30,075
And Jenny pulls me aside.
She goes, "Mo." She calls me Mo.

498
00:23:30,158 --> 00:23:32,202
I call her Clo. There's no real story.

499
00:23:32,285 --> 00:23:33,245
[crowd chuckles]

500
00:23:33,328 --> 00:23:35,997
She goes,
"Mo, how did it go at the doctor?"

501
00:23:36,081 --> 00:23:39,209
And I go, "Well, the pulmonary test
said I was having a heart attack,

502
00:23:39,292 --> 00:23:43,672
and then, uh, the doctor said
he didn't think I was. So..."

503
00:23:44,339 --> 00:23:46,341
[crowd laughs]

504
00:23:49,136 --> 00:23:51,346
"Okay?" I... I don't really know.

505
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:54,516
And she's worried, and then
because she's worried, I'm worried.

506
00:23:54,599 --> 00:23:56,393
We're like an anxious improv group.

507
00:23:56,476 --> 00:23:59,438
Like... I initiate with a worry.

508
00:23:59,521 --> 00:24:02,399
She "Yes, and..." s the worry
with some misgivings.

509
00:24:02,482 --> 00:24:04,943
I close out the scene with some neuroses,

510
00:24:05,026 --> 00:24:08,363
and then sometimes we have sex,
and that's so fun.

511
00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:09,656
But...

512
00:24:09,739 --> 00:24:11,616
[crowd laughs]

513
00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:15,120
...but that night, I was reading Oona
a book about penguins.

514
00:24:15,203 --> 00:24:18,457
And when I'm with Oona,
it really melts away my anxiety

515
00:24:18,540 --> 00:24:21,001
'cause she's silly, you know,
like the bracelet she gave me.

516
00:24:21,084 --> 00:24:24,588
And she goes,
"Dad, you have yellow teeth."

517
00:24:24,671 --> 00:24:28,258
And I go, "Yeah.
I try not to think about it too much."

518
00:24:28,341 --> 00:24:29,259
And...

519
00:24:29,342 --> 00:24:31,761
[crowd laughs]

520
00:24:31,845 --> 00:24:34,055
...she picks up her cat puppet, Meow-Meow,

521
00:24:34,139 --> 00:24:37,809
And Meow-Meow goes,
"Those are the yellowest teeth

522
00:24:38,393 --> 00:24:40,061
I've ever seen."

523
00:24:40,145 --> 00:24:42,731
[crowd laughs]

524
00:24:42,814 --> 00:24:46,109
Now I'm trying not to laugh
'cause I love that Oona is funny,

525
00:24:46,193 --> 00:24:48,695
but I don't want her to be
an insult comic.

526
00:24:48,778 --> 00:24:50,238
[crowd laughs]

527
00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:53,074
And a ventriloquist, so...

528
00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:55,076
[crowd laughs]

529
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,330
...so then I'm trying
to outsilly Oona, you know.

530
00:24:58,830 --> 00:25:00,165
I make up a penguin joke.

531
00:25:00,248 --> 00:25:03,293
I go, "What does the penguin
say to her parents when she's hungry?"

532
00:25:03,376 --> 00:25:07,047
And she says, "What?"
And I say, "Waddle we have for dinner?"

533
00:25:07,130 --> 00:25:09,674
And... Don't feel like
you have to laugh at that.

534
00:25:09,758 --> 00:25:11,343
It's not for you.

535
00:25:11,426 --> 00:25:15,639
I write some jokes for you.
I write some for my daughter.

536
00:25:15,722 --> 00:25:17,682
What you need to know for the story

537
00:25:18,183 --> 00:25:20,393
is that it killed. You know, like...

538
00:25:20,977 --> 00:25:21,811
Oona is like,

539
00:25:21,895 --> 00:25:26,733
[in Boston accent]
"Ah, waddle we have for dinner!"

540
00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:29,361
Because kids love puns,

541
00:25:29,444 --> 00:25:33,240
and all toddlers sort of have
a Boston accent.

542
00:25:33,323 --> 00:25:35,325
You know, they're... they're like,

543
00:25:35,408 --> 00:25:36,451
[in Boston accent] "I'm tired."

544
00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:37,369
And...

545
00:25:38,286 --> 00:25:41,414
And Boston toddlers,
they're like, "I'm wicked tired."

546
00:25:41,498 --> 00:25:43,500
[crowd laughs]

547
00:25:46,378 --> 00:25:48,630
So... so we're reading the penguin book,

548
00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:52,467
and I say, "Mom's gonna come in
and brush your hair in a minute."

549
00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:55,512
And she said, "She's not your mom."

550
00:25:56,054 --> 00:25:57,973
"She's my mom."

551
00:25:58,515 --> 00:26:01,434
I said, "That's what my therapist
keeps telling me." And...

552
00:26:01,518 --> 00:26:02,602
[crowd laughs]

553
00:26:02,686 --> 00:26:05,230
You like that joke.
She didn't like that one.

554
00:26:05,313 --> 00:26:07,732
So everybody gets their own jokes.

555
00:26:07,816 --> 00:26:09,150
That's fun, you know, and...

556
00:26:11,152 --> 00:26:12,737
I think there's some truths to that joke.

557
00:26:12,821 --> 00:26:14,739
Some people say
we project onto our partner

558
00:26:14,823 --> 00:26:17,284
the quality in our parent
who is hardest on us.

559
00:26:17,367 --> 00:26:18,785
I don't think it's entirely true.

560
00:26:18,868 --> 00:26:21,913
I think the reason I married my dad
is he loves me. And...

561
00:26:21,997 --> 00:26:23,123
[crowd laughs]

562
00:26:23,206 --> 00:26:26,543
...sometimes I wonder why
'cause I am a bad boy.

563
00:26:26,626 --> 00:26:28,628
[crowd laughs]

564
00:26:31,923 --> 00:26:36,052
So we're reading the penguin book,
and Jenny comes in to brush Oona's hair.

565
00:26:36,136 --> 00:26:38,722
And she... she goes, "Do you smell that?"

566
00:26:38,805 --> 00:26:41,057
And I said, "Which thing?"

567
00:26:41,141 --> 00:26:42,642
[crowd laughs]

568
00:26:42,726 --> 00:26:44,894
And Jenny says, "Mildew." And I say,

569
00:26:44,978 --> 00:26:48,523
"I can't really smell mildew
'cause I grew up in Massachusetts,

570
00:26:48,607 --> 00:26:51,818
which is a state that's made of mildew."

571
00:26:51,901 --> 00:26:56,948
[crowd laughs, stops]

572
00:26:57,032 --> 00:27:00,619
But she's worried about it. She goes,
"I don't think Oona can sleep in her bed

573
00:27:00,702 --> 00:27:02,662
until we get
the mildew situation resolved."

574
00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:05,999
I go, "Okay. Until we get it resolved,
I'll sleep in Oona's bed,

575
00:27:06,082 --> 00:27:07,334
and she can sleep in our bed."

576
00:27:07,417 --> 00:27:09,085
And to make me feel better about this,

577
00:27:09,169 --> 00:27:12,005
Jenny and Oona
started calling me "Mildew Man."

578
00:27:12,088 --> 00:27:14,090
[crowd laughs]

579
00:27:15,050 --> 00:27:16,134
So that night,

580
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:21,765
Mildew Man is lying in his daughter's
mildew-scented bed alone,

581
00:27:21,848 --> 00:27:23,892
and I'm... writing in my journal.

582
00:27:23,975 --> 00:27:27,020
I like to write in my journal
every few nights 'cause I find

583
00:27:27,103 --> 00:27:29,022
if you write down
what you're saddest about

584
00:27:29,105 --> 00:27:32,192
or angriest about, you can start
to see your own life as a story.

585
00:27:32,275 --> 00:27:35,654
And when you see your own life as a story,
sometimes you can zoom out

586
00:27:36,821 --> 00:27:39,741
and encourage the main character
to make better decisions.

587
00:27:39,824 --> 00:27:41,409
[crowd chuckles]

588
00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:42,786
That night I wrote in my journal,

589
00:27:42,869 --> 00:27:45,288
"My dad had a heart attack
when he was 56."

590
00:27:45,372 --> 00:27:49,292
"His dad had a heart attack
when he was 56, and today I realized,

591
00:27:51,336 --> 00:27:52,837
when I turn 56,

592
00:27:53,713 --> 00:27:55,215
Oona will be 19."

593
00:28:02,222 --> 00:28:03,765
The next morning, I wake up,

594
00:28:04,516 --> 00:28:07,227
and I walk to the Brooklyn YMCA.

595
00:28:07,310 --> 00:28:08,728
[crowd laughs]

596
00:28:08,812 --> 00:28:10,814
I didn't need directions. [sniffs]

597
00:28:10,897 --> 00:28:14,067
[crowd laughs]

598
00:28:14,150 --> 00:28:18,822
I followed the chlorine smell,
and I walked up to the swim desk,

599
00:28:18,905 --> 00:28:21,616
and I asked to speak
with the director of aquatics.

600
00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:25,495
And... they introduced me
to a woman named Vanessa,

601
00:28:25,578 --> 00:28:29,624
and I said, "Vanessa, I'd love
to take a swim lesson if possible."

602
00:28:29,708 --> 00:28:33,002
She said, "I'd have to come down
to the pool and evaluate your level."

603
00:28:33,086 --> 00:28:34,587
And I said, "No need."

604
00:28:34,671 --> 00:28:37,549
"You can write down zero or -20."

605
00:28:38,049 --> 00:28:40,677
"Drowning. Dead. Whatever the lowest is."

606
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:41,970
[crowd laughs]

607
00:28:42,053 --> 00:28:44,848
She said,
"I would have to see it for myself."

608
00:28:45,932 --> 00:28:47,892
I said, "Is it a fetish kind of thing?"

609
00:28:47,976 --> 00:28:51,813
"'Cause I could do
a sort of dry act out here at the desk."

610
00:28:51,896 --> 00:28:54,441
[crowd laughs]

611
00:28:54,524 --> 00:28:57,402
I walk into the locker room.
I put on my swim trunks.

612
00:28:57,485 --> 00:29:00,196
I've never worn a Speedo.
I wear sort of a speedless.

613
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:05,160
It's bunchy and always damp,
even fresh out of the dryer.

614
00:29:05,243 --> 00:29:08,913
And I wear my speedless down to the pool.

615
00:29:08,997 --> 00:29:11,875
The first thing Vanessa says to me is,
"Where's your swim cap?"

616
00:29:11,958 --> 00:29:13,501
And I go, "I don't have a swim cap."

617
00:29:13,585 --> 00:29:14,961
She goes, "It's mandatory

618
00:29:15,462 --> 00:29:17,172
unless you're <i>completely</i> bald."

619
00:29:17,255 --> 00:29:20,467
And I said, "I don't like
how you leaned on the word 'completely.'"

620
00:29:20,550 --> 00:29:22,594
- Uh...
- [crowd laughs]

621
00:29:22,677 --> 00:29:24,053
Not even remotely bald.

622
00:29:24,137 --> 00:29:27,682
I have four distinct tufts of hair
that form a Voltron of hair

623
00:29:27,766 --> 00:29:29,809
that lies artfully atop my head.

624
00:29:29,893 --> 00:29:31,019
[crowd laughs]

625
00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:33,855
This has been my hair
since I was about 15.

626
00:29:33,938 --> 00:29:34,939
When I was in high school,

627
00:29:35,023 --> 00:29:37,358
my hair was like,
"It's stressful around here."

628
00:29:38,151 --> 00:29:40,195
We're gonna lay off some strands.

629
00:29:40,278 --> 00:29:43,239
[crowd laughs, stops]

630
00:29:45,033 --> 00:29:47,619
Vanessa says,
"You can borrow my extra swim cap."

631
00:29:47,702 --> 00:29:49,871
And then she pulls
this little tiny swim cap

632
00:29:49,954 --> 00:29:51,956
out of her bag, and she hands it to me.

633
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:55,460
It is significantly smaller
than my head. Uh...

634
00:29:56,044 --> 00:29:58,213
I have a deceptively large head.

635
00:29:58,296 --> 00:29:59,214
When I was a kid,

636
00:29:59,297 --> 00:30:02,300
the bullies nicknamed me
"Mike Bigheadlia."

637
00:30:02,383 --> 00:30:04,427
[crowd laughs]

638
00:30:07,764 --> 00:30:10,725
So I squeeze this tiny swim cap

639
00:30:10,809 --> 00:30:15,104
onto a portion of my bigheadlia

640
00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:17,565
and Vanessa points to the pool.

641
00:30:17,649 --> 00:30:21,444
She says, "Hop in the instructional lane
and show me your stuff."

642
00:30:22,362 --> 00:30:23,655
[hesitates]

643
00:30:23,738 --> 00:30:25,323
[crowd laughs]

644
00:30:25,406 --> 00:30:28,368
I've established at this point
I do not have stuff.

645
00:30:28,451 --> 00:30:30,286
I mean, I don't have a repertoire,

646
00:30:30,370 --> 00:30:35,124
but I get in, and I just give it
all I have, you know, I'm...

647
00:30:35,208 --> 00:30:37,210
[crowd laughs]

648
00:30:39,587 --> 00:30:43,842
...I'm pretty sure I may have been swimming
towards the bottom,

649
00:30:43,925 --> 00:30:49,055
and... I look like what would happen
if you dropped a blender in a pool.

650
00:30:49,138 --> 00:30:51,724
You know, where I'm blending the water

651
00:30:52,433 --> 00:30:55,019
into a chlorine smoothie and...

652
00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:56,646
[crowd laughs]

653
00:30:56,729 --> 00:31:00,692
...the instructional lane
is also the walkers' lane.

654
00:31:00,775 --> 00:31:02,318
So, as I'm blending,

655
00:31:02,819 --> 00:31:06,531
these elderly aggressive walkers
are blowing past me.

656
00:31:06,614 --> 00:31:09,868
I think one of them
tried to dunk my head a little bit.

657
00:31:09,951 --> 00:31:11,703
And... and it's packed.

658
00:31:11,786 --> 00:31:16,249
Only in New York City
is there traffic in the pool. [grunts]

659
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:18,960
I said, "Vanessa!"

660
00:31:19,627 --> 00:31:21,671
"Is it always this crowded?"

661
00:31:21,754 --> 00:31:25,341
She says, "No. It's springtime.
Everyone's getting ready for the summer."

662
00:31:25,425 --> 00:31:29,262
I go, "Oh, they wanna a body like this."

663
00:31:30,054 --> 00:31:31,389
Which was a joke.

664
00:31:32,307 --> 00:31:34,559
It wasn't a stage-worthy joke.

665
00:31:34,642 --> 00:31:36,269
It's nothing I would bring to ya

666
00:31:36,352 --> 00:31:39,272
at a big show here
at the Vivian Beaumont Theater.

667
00:31:39,355 --> 00:31:40,857
[crowd laughs]

668
00:31:40,940 --> 00:31:44,235
It was sort of a conversational piece
of witty repartee,

669
00:31:45,528 --> 00:31:48,656
designed, uh, to create a personal bond

670
00:31:48,740 --> 00:31:51,326
between me and my new swim instructor.

671
00:31:51,409 --> 00:31:53,077
But she did not hear it.

672
00:31:53,661 --> 00:31:55,830
Uh, she said, "What?" I said, "Nothing."

673
00:31:55,914 --> 00:31:56,915
[crowd laughs]

674
00:31:56,998 --> 00:32:00,418
She said, "Mike, I can't hear you.
You have to shout."

675
00:32:02,253 --> 00:32:04,422
[crowd laughs]

676
00:32:06,716 --> 00:32:09,802
- [screaming] I said, "Vanessa!"
- [crowd laughing]

677
00:32:15,475 --> 00:32:17,060
[screaming] "They want a body...

678
00:32:18,436 --> 00:32:19,854
like this."

679
00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:21,773
[crowd laughs]

680
00:32:21,856 --> 00:32:24,567
A joke without proper context

681
00:32:24,651 --> 00:32:28,488
or softness of cadence or comedic delivery

682
00:32:29,489 --> 00:32:32,283
is often a statement of pure insanity

683
00:32:32,367 --> 00:32:37,789
because all 200 members
of the pool community

684
00:32:37,872 --> 00:32:41,376
simultaneously swiveled their heads to see

685
00:32:42,585 --> 00:32:43,586
the body...

686
00:32:43,670 --> 00:32:45,588
[crowd laughs]

687
00:32:45,672 --> 00:32:49,092
...attached to this
flamboyantly confident voice, and...

688
00:32:52,053 --> 00:32:55,640
I don't have a swimmer's body.
I have almost a drowner's body

689
00:32:55,723 --> 00:32:58,226
where it looks like
I'm drowning at all times,

690
00:32:58,309 --> 00:33:00,019
even when I'm not near water.

691
00:33:00,103 --> 00:33:03,856
Even shirtless and dry,
people are like, "Are you okay?"

692
00:33:03,940 --> 00:33:07,860
You know,
it's sort of a river corpse body and so...

693
00:33:08,611 --> 00:33:11,739
so, I'm blending...
I'm blending water for 90 seconds

694
00:33:11,823 --> 00:33:14,409
until I'm convinced
I'm on the verge of my own death,

695
00:33:14,492 --> 00:33:15,535
and then I stand up.

696
00:33:15,618 --> 00:33:17,120
It's about four feet of water.

697
00:33:17,203 --> 00:33:19,580
And... I get out of the pool.

698
00:33:19,664 --> 00:33:25,086
I dry myself off with 15 or 20
of those dishrag-size YMCA towels.

699
00:33:25,169 --> 00:33:28,381
I put one under each foot
'cause Vanessa explains

700
00:33:28,464 --> 00:33:30,675
there can be fungus in the puddles.

701
00:33:30,758 --> 00:33:34,429
And I think, "This place is a death trap.
I gotta get the hell out of here."

702
00:33:34,512 --> 00:33:37,765
I'm trying to get some cardio in now,
mainlining spores.

703
00:33:37,849 --> 00:33:40,059
And then I walk over to the swim desk.

704
00:33:40,143 --> 00:33:42,854
I go, "Vanessa,
now that you've evaluated my level,

705
00:33:42,937 --> 00:33:45,898
is it possible we could book
a swim lesson?"

706
00:33:45,982 --> 00:33:49,193
She says, "I just don't think
I have time for that in my schedule."

707
00:33:49,277 --> 00:33:51,654
[crowd laughs, applauds]

708
00:33:53,656 --> 00:33:57,452
Which means
I had auditioned for swim lessons,

709
00:33:58,453 --> 00:34:00,580
and I didn't get the part.

710
00:34:00,663 --> 00:34:02,665
[crowd laughs]

711
00:34:06,544 --> 00:34:07,670
[gulps]

712
00:34:07,754 --> 00:34:10,173
Vanessa feels bad for me.
She goes, "Look, Mike."

713
00:34:10,757 --> 00:34:13,593
"If you come in maybe Wednesdays at 8 a.m.

714
00:34:13,676 --> 00:34:15,928
I could probably
squeeze you in for 20 minutes."

715
00:34:16,429 --> 00:34:20,600
"But if you wanna take this seriously,
I would recommend you swim on your own,

716
00:34:20,683 --> 00:34:21,768
five days a week."

717
00:34:21,851 --> 00:34:24,479
And I said, "I don't think
anybody swims five days a week."

718
00:34:24,562 --> 00:34:25,438
[crowd laughs]

719
00:34:25,521 --> 00:34:27,857
She said, "A lot of people
swim five days a week."

720
00:34:27,940 --> 00:34:30,735
I said, "I don't even think Michael Phelps
swims five days a week."

721
00:34:30,818 --> 00:34:33,571
She said, "Michael Phelps
definitely swims five days a week."

722
00:34:34,072 --> 00:34:36,449
We talk about this for about 45 minutes.

723
00:34:36,532 --> 00:34:37,492
[crowd laughs]

724
00:34:37,575 --> 00:34:39,202
We agree to disagree.

725
00:34:39,285 --> 00:34:40,953
[crowd laughs]

726
00:34:41,537 --> 00:34:43,539
I started swimming one day a week.

727
00:34:43,623 --> 00:34:47,126
Uh, I got into it, you know.
I got my own swim cap.

728
00:34:47,210 --> 00:34:51,923
I got my goggles with a lifetime guarantee
to never fit your face once ever.

729
00:34:52,715 --> 00:34:56,385
I got flip-flops for the fungus puddles
and a lock for my locker.

730
00:34:56,469 --> 00:35:00,556
And a bag with a pocket for
wet bathing suits and fresh produce and...

731
00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:01,933
[crowd laughs]

732
00:35:02,016 --> 00:35:03,684
Every Wednesday at 8 a.m. I'd swim.

733
00:35:03,768 --> 00:35:05,853
Then I'd go
to this juice place on the corner,

734
00:35:05,937 --> 00:35:08,314
and I'd get a big juice,
the size of a horse bucket.

735
00:35:08,397 --> 00:35:09,857
And I started to think,

736
00:35:09,941 --> 00:35:12,985
"This is who I am now. I swim. I juice."

737
00:35:13,569 --> 00:35:16,948
"I'm of the juice generation.
I'm juicy. I should get those pants...

738
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:19,033
[crowd laughs]

739
00:35:21,369 --> 00:35:24,372
...that say 'Juicy' on the ass."
That's sort of who I am now.

740
00:35:24,455 --> 00:35:26,999
I think people
are starting to get it, and, um...

741
00:35:27,083 --> 00:35:29,210
[crowd laughs]

742
00:35:29,293 --> 00:35:33,589
My favorite part about swimming is
no matter how bad you are at swimming,

743
00:35:34,340 --> 00:35:35,800
when you're underwater

744
00:35:36,968 --> 00:35:39,387
and you kick off the wall...

745
00:35:40,972 --> 00:35:43,057
for those first few moments,

746
00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:46,435
you feel like an underwater explorer.

747
00:35:47,562 --> 00:35:50,106
Or someone who knows how to swim.

748
00:35:50,189 --> 00:35:51,232
[crowd laughs]

749
00:35:51,315 --> 00:35:53,693
Then your body sort of floats to the top

750
00:35:53,776 --> 00:35:56,529
'cause the human body
has neutral buoyancy.

751
00:35:57,738 --> 00:36:01,909
I love how in the pool, there's no phones,
there's no emails, there's no calendars.

752
00:36:02,785 --> 00:36:04,579
In some ways, there's no time.

753
00:36:05,746 --> 00:36:08,583
I love how, sometimes in life,
everything feels so heavy.

754
00:36:09,333 --> 00:36:11,502
But when you're in the water,
it's so light.

755
00:36:13,754 --> 00:36:15,673
Sometimes everything in your life
is so loud,

756
00:36:15,756 --> 00:36:17,884
but when you're underwater, it's so quiet.

757
00:36:19,051 --> 00:36:21,179
Sometimes you can even hear
yourself think.

758
00:36:22,638 --> 00:36:25,474
I remember one day,
I thought, "I'm just so lucky

759
00:36:26,726 --> 00:36:27,852
to be alive."

760
00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:32,523
So, for six months, I swim one day a week.

761
00:36:32,607 --> 00:36:36,110
And then one day,
there's a torrential downpour in Brooklyn.

762
00:36:36,694 --> 00:36:39,322
It was so bad
it was raining in our kitchen.

763
00:36:39,405 --> 00:36:43,993
I don't know if you've been in a kitchen,
but the weather is generally mild.

764
00:36:44,076 --> 00:36:46,621
- It almost...
- [crowd laughs]

765
00:36:46,704 --> 00:36:49,457
...it almost never rains in kitchens,
and so...

766
00:36:49,540 --> 00:36:50,541
[gulps]

767
00:36:50,625 --> 00:36:54,462
...we were alarmed, and we called a friend
who works in construction.

768
00:36:54,545 --> 00:36:56,839
We said, "Is it dangerous for us
to live in this building?"

769
00:36:56,923 --> 00:36:59,842
It's, like, a 100-year-old
apartment building in Brooklyn.

770
00:36:59,926 --> 00:37:01,677
She walks up
onto the roof of the building.

771
00:37:01,761 --> 00:37:05,264
She goes, "There's holes in the roof
and holes on the side of the building."

772
00:37:05,348 --> 00:37:10,019
And she walks into Oona's bedroom.
She goes, "I think that might be mold."

773
00:37:10,811 --> 00:37:13,231
We got it tested,
and it turned out it was black mold,

774
00:37:13,314 --> 00:37:14,607
which is the dangerous kind.

775
00:37:14,690 --> 00:37:17,902
It's tied to asthma
and all kinds of problems. And they said,

776
00:37:17,985 --> 00:37:21,572
"We'd recommend you move out immediately
until this is resolved."

777
00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:26,035
So we move into an Airbnb,
which, by the way, no breakfast...

778
00:37:26,118 --> 00:37:27,954
[crowd laughs]

779
00:37:28,037 --> 00:37:29,872
...which is one of the letters.

780
00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:31,958
[crowd laughing]

781
00:37:34,961 --> 00:37:36,754
[crowd applauds]

782
00:37:38,923 --> 00:37:42,009
This is a wildly misleading acronym.

783
00:37:42,093 --> 00:37:44,387
It's like if you showed up
to an AA meeting,

784
00:37:44,470 --> 00:37:47,223
and they're like,
"We're live-streaming." And you're like...

785
00:37:47,306 --> 00:37:49,308
[crowd laughs]

786
00:37:50,851 --> 00:37:54,730
"I had heard
it was sort of a private thing."

787
00:37:54,814 --> 00:37:58,526
And they're like, "Pop open a wine cooler.
We're gonna dish some goss."

788
00:37:58,609 --> 00:38:00,611
[crowd laughs]

789
00:38:04,365 --> 00:38:08,119
I... I had found this Airbnb.
I have a kind of an obsessive personality.

790
00:38:08,202 --> 00:38:12,081
If you don't know someone who's obsessive,
you need to know it's a very sexy quality.

791
00:38:12,164 --> 00:38:16,877
Like, your husband will disappear down
an Airbnb rabbit hole for seven hours,

792
00:38:16,961 --> 00:38:19,463
and when he comes up for air,
he'll eat a whole box of Triscuits.

793
00:38:19,547 --> 00:38:21,632
And you'll think, "I wanna bang this guy."

794
00:38:21,716 --> 00:38:25,636
You know, that's...
so that is what obsessive means. And...

795
00:38:27,096 --> 00:38:29,849
But this place I found
was no good, you know.

796
00:38:29,932 --> 00:38:32,143
Like, it didn't look like the photos.

797
00:38:32,226 --> 00:38:34,562
It's almost like they use
one of those lenses

798
00:38:34,645 --> 00:38:38,149
where they photograph
a different apartment, and...

799
00:38:38,232 --> 00:38:40,568
[crowd laughs]

800
00:38:40,651 --> 00:38:42,111
...and there was no thermostat.

801
00:38:42,194 --> 00:38:44,363
There was heat,
but there was no way to indicate

802
00:38:44,447 --> 00:38:47,158
how much heat
you think might be a good idea

803
00:38:47,658 --> 00:38:49,327
if you wanted to stay alive.

804
00:38:49,410 --> 00:38:53,581
And so, it's three in the morning,
and it's 90 degrees.

805
00:38:53,664 --> 00:38:55,666
No, I know. 90 degrees.

806
00:38:55,750 --> 00:38:58,586
And so, Jenny, Oona, and I
are all wide awake.

807
00:38:58,669 --> 00:39:00,880
And I'm desperate.
I'm just wandering in the building,

808
00:39:00,963 --> 00:39:03,090
trying to find a way
to change the temperature.

809
00:39:03,174 --> 00:39:07,261
Around 4 a.m. I find a communal thermostat
in the back of the lobby,

810
00:39:07,345 --> 00:39:11,098
but it is padlocked behind plexiglass.

811
00:39:11,182 --> 00:39:13,517
And I've never done
anything like this in my life.

812
00:39:13,601 --> 00:39:16,103
I Hulk-smash the plexiglass.

813
00:39:16,187 --> 00:39:18,606
- [laughs]
- [crowd laughs]

814
00:39:18,689 --> 00:39:21,692
And then I change the thermostat to zero,

815
00:39:21,776 --> 00:39:26,072
and... I save my family's lives.

816
00:39:26,155 --> 00:39:30,576
But... the point of the story
is actually that the next morning,

817
00:39:30,659 --> 00:39:34,580
I overslept, and I didn't make it
to my swim lesson for the first time.

818
00:39:34,663 --> 00:39:37,583
And then the next week
I didn't go to my swim lesson again

819
00:39:37,666 --> 00:39:41,212
'cause it was so fun
not going the first time.

820
00:39:41,295 --> 00:39:42,797
[crowd laughs]

821
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:44,382
And then I stopped swimming.

822
00:39:45,925 --> 00:39:48,928
And I think about this a lot,
like, in a general sense, like,

823
00:39:49,011 --> 00:39:52,890
"Why do we stop doing the thing
that we know we should be doing?"

824
00:39:54,225 --> 00:39:58,604
For me, I prioritize the thing
that'll keep me alive in the short-term

825
00:39:58,687 --> 00:40:01,357
over the thing
that'll keep me alive in the long-term.

826
00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:05,861
'Cause if I'm not alive in the short-term,
I won't be alive in the long-term.

827
00:40:05,945 --> 00:40:07,655
[crowd laughs]

828
00:40:07,738 --> 00:40:08,739
So I stop swimming.

829
00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:12,118
But I still had the appetite
of someone who swims.

830
00:40:12,201 --> 00:40:13,911
[crowd laughs]

831
00:40:13,994 --> 00:40:17,665
Which is to say I was eating quite a bit.
And I was, uh, juicing.

832
00:40:18,541 --> 00:40:19,542
- And...
- [crowd chuckles]

833
00:40:20,835 --> 00:40:22,461
...and I went for my annual checkup,

834
00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:24,672
and Dr. Walsh asked me
to step on the scale,

835
00:40:24,755 --> 00:40:27,883
which, for whatever reason,
is still the old-fashioned abacus thing.

836
00:40:27,967 --> 00:40:31,011
Like, you're not 1,000 pounds.
You're not zero pounds.

837
00:40:31,095 --> 00:40:31,929
[crowd laughing]

838
00:40:32,012 --> 00:40:35,516
You're not 970 pounds.
You're not 21 pounds.

839
00:40:35,599 --> 00:40:39,895
You're not 662 pounds.
You're not 58 pounds.

840
00:40:39,979 --> 00:40:44,942
You're not 411 pounds.
You're not 117 pounds.

841
00:40:45,025 --> 00:40:46,861
I'm like, "What time is it?"

842
00:40:46,944 --> 00:40:47,945
[crowd laughs]

843
00:40:48,028 --> 00:40:50,865
He's like, "It's not two o'clock.
It's not six o'clock."

844
00:40:50,948 --> 00:40:54,034
"It's not 2:15. It's not 4:45."

845
00:40:54,118 --> 00:40:56,162
[crowd laughing]

846
00:41:00,082 --> 00:41:02,793
Dr. Walsh was deeply concerned
about my weight.

847
00:41:02,877 --> 00:41:05,796
Uh, he said, "You've gained
a lot of weight in the last year."

848
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:08,632
I said, "That's surprising
'cause I have been swimming...

849
00:41:08,716 --> 00:41:10,259
[crowd laughs]

850
00:41:10,342 --> 00:41:11,969
...as well as juicing."

851
00:41:12,052 --> 00:41:14,430
And... he took my blood,

852
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:18,476
and then I took his 'cause it was
a sort of a sleepover theme. And...

853
00:41:18,559 --> 00:41:20,352
[crowd laughs]

854
00:41:20,436 --> 00:41:24,398
...he calls me about a week later.
I was in a hotel room in Columbus, Ohio.

855
00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:27,902
He said, "I got your blood results back,
and your bad cholesterol is bad."

856
00:41:27,985 --> 00:41:31,322
And I go, "That lines up." And he said,
"Your good cholesterol is bad."

857
00:41:31,405 --> 00:41:34,283
- I said, "Nobody's perfect." And...
- [crowd laughs]

858
00:41:34,366 --> 00:41:36,577
...he said, "You have type 2 diabetes."

859
00:41:41,540 --> 00:41:44,877
When he said this, I had that shortness
of breath I was telling you about earlier,

860
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:48,005
but there are few times in my life
where I've experienced it to an extreme.

861
00:41:48,672 --> 00:41:51,675
When I was 20, I was driving home
from college for Christmas break,

862
00:41:51,759 --> 00:41:54,845
and I pulled over at a rest stop to pee,
and there was blood in my pee.

863
00:41:54,929 --> 00:41:56,430
I had never seen blood look like this.

864
00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:59,975
The moment it would hit the water,
it would explode like fireworks.

865
00:42:00,059 --> 00:42:04,396
And I was so worried I sped home,
and I woke up my parents.

866
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:06,607
And my dad is a doctor. My mom is a nurse,

867
00:42:06,690 --> 00:42:09,235
so they know bloody fireworks
are not a good sign.

868
00:42:09,318 --> 00:42:13,239
My dad takes me first thing in the morning
to see a urologist friend of his.

869
00:42:13,322 --> 00:42:15,407
And the urologist asked me
to take my pants down,

870
00:42:15,491 --> 00:42:16,909
and he's looking around.

871
00:42:16,992 --> 00:42:21,038
I start to chime in with my own theories
'cause I find doctors enjoy that

872
00:42:21,121 --> 00:42:26,168
when you view the medical visit
as sort of a collab.

873
00:42:26,252 --> 00:42:28,254
[crowd laughs]

874
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:34,093
I said to my urologist,
and I can never unsay this.

875
00:42:34,176 --> 00:42:36,887
I said, "Is it possible that the blood

876
00:42:36,971 --> 00:42:40,516
is from me masturbating too often?"

877
00:42:40,599 --> 00:42:43,143
- [crowd laughs]
- So that's something I said.

878
00:42:43,227 --> 00:42:44,812
[crowd laughs]

879
00:42:46,021 --> 00:42:46,897
Out loud.

880
00:42:46,981 --> 00:42:48,857
[crowd laughs]

881
00:42:48,941 --> 00:42:51,193
[screaming] To my Dad's friend!

882
00:42:51,277 --> 00:42:53,279
[crowd laughs]

883
00:42:55,197 --> 00:42:56,031
So...

884
00:42:57,449 --> 00:42:59,034
[chuckles]

885
00:42:59,118 --> 00:43:01,036
...so based on his reaction,

886
00:43:01,620 --> 00:43:05,958
I would venture to guess
that if a urology drinking game exists,

887
00:43:07,334 --> 00:43:10,629
that might be <i>The Phrase That Pays</i> because

888
00:43:11,380 --> 00:43:15,217
he was entirely unfazed by this question.
He goes, "No, that's not it."

889
00:43:15,301 --> 00:43:18,721
And then he pounded a tumbler of whiskey

890
00:43:18,804 --> 00:43:21,015
from behind his desk, and...

891
00:43:21,098 --> 00:43:22,641
[crowd laughs]

892
00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:24,685
...and he said,
"But I'm worried about the blood."

893
00:43:24,768 --> 00:43:27,271
He goes, "I'll have you come into
the hospital tomorrow morning

894
00:43:27,354 --> 00:43:31,066
and give you anesthesia for a cystoscopy."
I didn't know what this meant.

895
00:43:31,150 --> 00:43:33,902
It's when they take a camera,
and they stick it through your penis

896
00:43:33,986 --> 00:43:35,195
to look into your bladder.

897
00:43:35,279 --> 00:43:37,698
You're probably thinking,
"Mike, a camera can't fit...

898
00:43:37,781 --> 00:43:39,783
[crowd laughs]

899
00:43:39,867 --> 00:43:42,411
[laughing]

900
00:43:42,494 --> 00:43:45,664
...through a penis."
Good news and bad news on that front.

901
00:43:45,748 --> 00:43:46,832
- Um...
- [crowd laughs]

902
00:43:49,293 --> 00:43:52,630
The good news is it can.
The bad news is the same.

903
00:43:52,713 --> 00:43:57,051
[crowd laughs]

904
00:43:58,260 --> 00:44:01,013
So the next morning I wake up at 5:30 a.m.

905
00:44:01,096 --> 00:44:03,766
My mom drives me
into the hospital, and I'm...

906
00:44:04,433 --> 00:44:05,601
I'm shivering, you know.

907
00:44:05,684 --> 00:44:08,771
I'm in the cloth smock
on the surgical gurney.

908
00:44:08,854 --> 00:44:11,440
And the nurse puts the IV in,
and I fall asleep.

909
00:44:11,523 --> 00:44:15,527
I have to say. Even shivering
and on drugs at the hospital,

910
00:44:15,611 --> 00:44:18,030
I still always enjoy a nice nap.

911
00:44:18,113 --> 00:44:20,115
[crowd laughs]

912
00:44:23,243 --> 00:44:24,536
So, while I'm under,

913
00:44:25,412 --> 00:44:28,666
the urologist
finds something with the scope

914
00:44:29,500 --> 00:44:32,961
and decides he'll keep me under longer
so they can take it out.

915
00:44:33,629 --> 00:44:36,131
So as I'm coming to,
the urologist explains

916
00:44:36,215 --> 00:44:39,927
that they found something in my bladder,
and it could be cancer. They don't know.

917
00:44:40,427 --> 00:44:43,597
And they're gonna do a biopsy on it,
and they should know in a few days.

918
00:44:44,098 --> 00:44:47,309
So, from December 22nd, 1999,

919
00:44:47,393 --> 00:44:51,063
until December 27th, 1999,
I just thought the worst.

920
00:44:51,146 --> 00:44:53,399
I just thought, "I'm gonna die." [inhales]

921
00:44:54,817 --> 00:44:57,861
And I... I went into my bedroom
at my parents' house,

922
00:44:57,945 --> 00:45:00,781
and... and I had the shortness of breath,

923
00:45:00,864 --> 00:45:04,743
but... in a way that I've never experienced.

924
00:45:04,827 --> 00:45:07,705
Like... like I didn't even talk to anybody.

925
00:45:07,788 --> 00:45:10,499
Like, I didn't talk to my parents.
I didn't call my friends.

926
00:45:10,582 --> 00:45:14,420
I'm someone who talks quite a bit.
I mean, I gathered you here.

927
00:45:14,503 --> 00:45:16,505
[crowd laughs]

928
00:45:16,588 --> 00:45:20,426
[laughing]

929
00:45:21,635 --> 00:45:23,721
But when I thought I was gonna die...

930
00:45:24,555 --> 00:45:26,515
[hesitates] ...it just silenced me.

931
00:45:30,102 --> 00:45:33,188
The biopsy came back a few days later,
and it turns out it was cancer.

932
00:45:33,272 --> 00:45:36,859
It was a malignant tumor in my bladder,
but I actually was very lucky

933
00:45:36,942 --> 00:45:39,570
'cause they caught it early enough,
so they decided they wouldn't do

934
00:45:39,653 --> 00:45:42,448
chemo or radiation
because maybe it was an anomaly.

935
00:45:42,531 --> 00:45:46,660
And maybe it was 'cause I go
for a regular cystoscopy to this day,

936
00:45:46,744 --> 00:45:47,870
and it hasn't come back.

937
00:45:47,953 --> 00:45:50,581
But when Dr. Walsh
tells me I have diabetes,

938
00:45:50,664 --> 00:45:52,374
it flashes me back to this moment.

939
00:45:52,458 --> 00:45:54,626
Not because
cancer and diabetes are the same,

940
00:45:54,710 --> 00:45:58,172
but they're both comorbidities,
and the thing about comorbidities,

941
00:45:58,255 --> 00:45:59,798
sometimes they team up

942
00:46:00,716 --> 00:46:02,134
to form a single... [chuckles]

943
00:46:03,469 --> 00:46:04,762
...morbidity, you know.

944
00:46:04,845 --> 00:46:07,431
It's, "Cancer to diabetes!"

945
00:46:07,514 --> 00:46:09,767
"Diabetes to heart disease. Score!"

946
00:46:09,850 --> 00:46:12,019
- And they all high-five.
- [crowd applauds]

947
00:46:12,102 --> 00:46:13,687
And then I'm dead.

948
00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:18,484
And... when Dr. Walsh
tells me I have diabetes,

949
00:46:18,567 --> 00:46:23,697
I'm actually walking from my hotel room
to the front desk of the hotel

950
00:46:23,781 --> 00:46:27,242
to pick up a pizza
I had ordered for delivery.

951
00:46:27,326 --> 00:46:30,412
And... I'm not proud of that.

952
00:46:30,496 --> 00:46:33,332
I mean, I have bad habits.

953
00:46:33,415 --> 00:46:36,710
Like, for starters, this is my job.

954
00:46:36,794 --> 00:46:40,088
I mean, I do this
usually in cities where I don't live.

955
00:46:40,172 --> 00:46:44,551
I get up here.
I work up an appetite walking over here.

956
00:46:45,469 --> 00:46:47,805
Sometimes I go over here.

957
00:46:47,888 --> 00:46:50,390
I slide down that thing.

958
00:46:50,474 --> 00:46:51,308
[crowd laughs]

959
00:46:51,391 --> 00:46:53,352
I pretend to wrestle.

960
00:46:53,435 --> 00:46:55,771
[crowd laughs, stops]

961
00:46:55,854 --> 00:46:58,524
Typically I get back to my hotel
around eleven o'clock at night

962
00:46:58,607 --> 00:47:00,234
and the thing about healthy food

963
00:47:01,068 --> 00:47:02,528
is it goes to bed early.

964
00:47:02,611 --> 00:47:04,613
[crowd laughs]

965
00:47:07,908 --> 00:47:10,118
Healthy food's like,
"I'm heading in for the night."

966
00:47:10,202 --> 00:47:13,038
"I got a big morning providing nutrients."

967
00:47:13,747 --> 00:47:16,083
Unhealthy food is like, "I'm gonna hang."

968
00:47:16,166 --> 00:47:20,420
"I saw a microwave on the corner.
I'm gonna pop in and see what happens."

969
00:47:20,504 --> 00:47:23,090
[crowd laughs]

970
00:47:23,173 --> 00:47:28,345
And pizza stays up all night.
Pizza loves to party, and I love pizza.

971
00:47:28,428 --> 00:47:32,766
Like, my problem with pizza
is when I see a pizza,

972
00:47:33,392 --> 00:47:36,520
I can only view it as a single serving.

973
00:47:36,603 --> 00:47:40,440
And more often than not,
it was designed for a group,

974
00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:43,485
and I'm physically drawn to it.
It's almost sexual.

975
00:47:43,569 --> 00:47:45,904
Like, I wouldn't have sex with a pizza,

976
00:47:45,988 --> 00:47:49,992
but if I ate a pizza alone,
I wouldn't mention it to my wife.

977
00:47:50,075 --> 00:47:51,910
Does that make sense? Like, I...

978
00:47:51,994 --> 00:47:53,620
[crowd laughs]

979
00:47:53,704 --> 00:47:58,834
...I love pizza so much
I get excited when I see the word "plaza."

980
00:47:58,917 --> 00:48:02,588
[crowd laughs, applauds]

981
00:48:04,715 --> 00:48:07,217
'Cause the word "pizza" itself
is pretty exciting.

982
00:48:07,301 --> 00:48:09,094
It has pizza slices in it.

983
00:48:10,137 --> 00:48:12,347
Each of the Zs is two slices.

984
00:48:12,431 --> 00:48:16,310
The A is a slice.
It's five slices in one word.

985
00:48:16,852 --> 00:48:20,480
Which is a rarely used
literary device that I invented...

986
00:48:22,482 --> 00:48:24,943
called "onomatopizza." Now...

987
00:48:25,027 --> 00:48:28,739
[crowd laughs, applauds]

988
00:48:28,822 --> 00:48:31,158
Dr. Walsh made
a series of recommendations.

989
00:48:31,241 --> 00:48:34,077
He goes, "I'd like to put you
on a statin for your cholesterol

990
00:48:34,161 --> 00:48:36,163
and a diabetes medication."

991
00:48:36,246 --> 00:48:38,749
I said, "I'd prefer to deal
with this without medication

992
00:48:38,832 --> 00:48:40,834
'cause I'm a doctor also, and..."

993
00:48:40,918 --> 00:48:42,377
[crowd laughs]

994
00:48:42,461 --> 00:48:46,089
I said, "I prefer to just
sort of try to lose weight on my own

995
00:48:46,173 --> 00:48:47,966
and see if I can reverse the diabetes."

996
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:50,594
And he said, "I'm just not optimistic."

997
00:48:50,677 --> 00:48:51,678
[crowd laughs]

998
00:48:51,762 --> 00:48:55,849
He said, "It'd have to be so drastic.
You'd have to cut sugar, fries."

999
00:48:55,933 --> 00:49:00,896
Then I started thinking about sugar fries,
which apparently aren't technically food.

1000
00:49:00,979 --> 00:49:03,231
Then I started thinking,
maybe they could be a food.

1001
00:49:03,315 --> 00:49:05,359
It's a beautiful combination
of ingredients.

1002
00:49:05,442 --> 00:49:06,693
There's an obvious theme song.

1003
00:49:06,777 --> 00:49:09,863
<i>♪ Sugar fries, sugar fries
Sug-sugar fries, sugar fries in my eyes ♪</i>

1004
00:49:10,405 --> 00:49:12,699
Dr. Walsh says, "Are you listening to me?"

1005
00:49:12,783 --> 00:49:16,036
And I said,
"Obviously I'm listening to you,

1006
00:49:16,119 --> 00:49:19,915
but I'm also listening to the song
I just wrote in my head."

1007
00:49:21,041 --> 00:49:22,167
"About vegetables."

1008
00:49:22,250 --> 00:49:26,213
I thought it was too early
to spring the sugar fries concept on him.

1009
00:49:26,296 --> 00:49:30,634
[crowd laughs, stops]

1010
00:49:31,718 --> 00:49:33,220
The next morning I fly home.

1011
00:49:33,303 --> 00:49:35,889
And Jenny and I take Oona
to her first swim lesson,

1012
00:49:35,973 --> 00:49:37,474
and after the lesson,

1013
00:49:37,557 --> 00:49:40,143
they let the grown-ups
come in the shallow end with the kids,

1014
00:49:40,227 --> 00:49:44,982
and Oona goes,
"Dad, let's talk underwater."

1015
00:49:45,857 --> 00:49:47,442
I go, "Okay."

1016
00:49:48,068 --> 00:49:52,614
Then we go underwater,
and all I hear is "Blah blah blah."

1017
00:49:53,156 --> 00:49:55,617
She says, "What did I say?"

1018
00:49:55,701 --> 00:49:58,078
I go, "I don't know."

1019
00:49:58,161 --> 00:50:01,623
- She says, "I love you, Dad."
- [crowd reacts]

1020
00:50:01,707 --> 00:50:03,875
I said, "I love you too, Oona."

1021
00:50:06,670 --> 00:50:08,046
That night we're lying in bed.

1022
00:50:08,130 --> 00:50:10,424
We're reading a book
about the days of the week and...

1023
00:50:11,216 --> 00:50:14,094
sometimes when Oona doesn't know a word,
she'll just say another word.

1024
00:50:14,177 --> 00:50:17,806
And she said, "The days... of us."

1025
00:50:20,726 --> 00:50:22,227
And I thought, "That's better."

1026
00:50:24,980 --> 00:50:26,732
After she falls asleep, I...

1027
00:50:26,815 --> 00:50:28,400
[inhales, exhales]

1028
00:50:28,483 --> 00:50:32,446
...I started to have my shortness of breath,
thinking about the diabetes diagnosis.

1029
00:50:32,529 --> 00:50:35,323
And I... I take out my journal,
and I opened it up.

1030
00:50:35,407 --> 00:50:37,367
And I pick up a pen, and I write,

1031
00:50:38,243 --> 00:50:40,037
"I think I may die soon."

1032
00:50:47,044 --> 00:50:48,962
And the next morning,
I get a call from my mom

1033
00:50:49,046 --> 00:50:51,631
that my dad
had another heart attack, and he's okay.

1034
00:50:51,715 --> 00:50:53,508
Apparently he's getting the hang of it.

1035
00:50:53,592 --> 00:50:55,594
[crowd laughs]

1036
00:50:57,262 --> 00:50:59,973
He was working at the hospital,
and he felt it coming on,

1037
00:51:00,057 --> 00:51:03,351
and he walked into the emergency room,
and he was like, "Hey."

1038
00:51:03,977 --> 00:51:06,563
Uh, like... I mean,
I don't know exactly what he said,

1039
00:51:06,646 --> 00:51:10,358
but it's like a fireman
walking into the station, "I'm on fire."

1040
00:51:11,151 --> 00:51:13,487
"We all know what to do." And...

1041
00:51:13,570 --> 00:51:14,905
[crowd laughs]

1042
00:51:16,031 --> 00:51:17,574
So I said, "Mom, should I come home?"

1043
00:51:17,657 --> 00:51:19,284
And she goes, "No, he's doing okay,

1044
00:51:19,367 --> 00:51:21,578
and you're coming home
next week for Christmas."

1045
00:51:21,661 --> 00:51:25,457
So, about a week later, I'm driving
Jenny and Oona home for Christmas,

1046
00:51:25,540 --> 00:51:28,668
which is always sort of involved,
the family events,

1047
00:51:28,752 --> 00:51:30,962
'cause Jenny's an introvert,
and I'm an extrovert.

1048
00:51:31,046 --> 00:51:33,965
An extrovert is someone who gets energy
from being around other people,

1049
00:51:34,049 --> 00:51:36,051
and an introvert doesn't like you.

1050
00:51:36,676 --> 00:51:37,511
Or...

1051
00:51:37,594 --> 00:51:39,221
[crowd laughs]

1052
00:51:39,304 --> 00:51:41,223
...she might like you,
but she's gonna need me

1053
00:51:41,306 --> 00:51:43,892
to explain why we're leaving. And...

1054
00:51:45,352 --> 00:51:47,813
it was Christmas,
and Jenny's Jewish, so I have to explain.

1055
00:51:47,896 --> 00:51:50,398
Like, there's this guy, and...

1056
00:51:50,482 --> 00:51:51,441
[crowd laughs]

1057
00:51:51,525 --> 00:51:54,152
...he was born in a barn.
That usually flies under the radar.

1058
00:51:54,236 --> 00:51:56,905
This one went wide.
Kings showed up, wise men.

1059
00:51:57,405 --> 00:52:00,325
Uh, although they were Jewish.
Could have been the Weismanns, you know.

1060
00:52:00,408 --> 00:52:04,371
So, there's kings,
the Weissmans, everyone is there.

1061
00:52:04,454 --> 00:52:09,209
They are kvetching, and kvelling, and...
I don't know why. It's not God. And...

1062
00:52:09,292 --> 00:52:11,920
[crowd laughs]

1063
00:52:12,003 --> 00:52:16,007
...and I'm certainly no sort of authority
in any of this.

1064
00:52:16,091 --> 00:52:19,177
Although I've got more interested
in Jesus as I've gotten older,

1065
00:52:19,261 --> 00:52:21,888
which is why
I brought you here this evening. Uh...

1066
00:52:21,972 --> 00:52:24,391
[crowd laughs]

1067
00:52:24,474 --> 00:52:27,853
There's a pamphlet
under your seat. No, it's a...

1068
00:52:27,936 --> 00:52:29,187
[laughs, applauds]

1069
00:52:32,774 --> 00:52:36,278
No, the truth is that my family doesn't
even do a very religious Christmas.

1070
00:52:36,361 --> 00:52:40,031
I would say, if anything,
the theme is just, like, Chicken Parmesan.

1071
00:52:40,115 --> 00:52:43,034
Like, we eat so much of it.

1072
00:52:43,118 --> 00:52:44,661
[crowd laughs]

1073
00:52:44,744 --> 00:52:47,747
And that year,
it was a charged subject, you know.

1074
00:52:48,373 --> 00:52:52,335
My dad just had a heart attack,
and the menu was the same, you know.

1075
00:52:52,419 --> 00:52:54,921
Chicken Parmesan
and ziti and garlic bread,

1076
00:52:55,005 --> 00:52:58,675
which are all basically
the same food in different shapes. And...

1077
00:53:00,969 --> 00:53:02,512
my father says, "Michael."

1078
00:53:03,471 --> 00:53:05,640
"Please pass the Chicken Parmesan."

1079
00:53:05,724 --> 00:53:08,435
And, of course,
my dad just had a heart attack,

1080
00:53:08,518 --> 00:53:12,063
but he'd also already had
a serving of Chicken Parmesan.

1081
00:53:12,898 --> 00:53:15,358
And so I'm holding it,
but I'm not passing it

1082
00:53:15,442 --> 00:53:18,528
'cause it almost feels
like I'm holding, like, a bowl of guns.

1083
00:53:18,612 --> 00:53:20,572
[crowd laughs]

1084
00:53:27,162 --> 00:53:30,165
And the tension is rising,
and finally I say, "Vince."

1085
00:53:30,248 --> 00:53:32,459
We call my dad Vince. I go, "Vince,

1086
00:53:33,376 --> 00:53:35,629
that's enough Chicken Parmesan."

1087
00:53:36,546 --> 00:53:39,633
Which I'm pretty sure
is a deleted scene from <i>The Godfather.</i>

1088
00:53:39,716 --> 00:53:40,592
And...

1089
00:53:40,675 --> 00:53:42,594
[crowd laughs]

1090
00:53:42,677 --> 00:53:44,262
...Vince had... [chuckles]

1091
00:53:44,346 --> 00:53:46,264
...Vince had the perfect response.

1092
00:53:46,348 --> 00:53:47,474
He said, "Michael."

1093
00:53:48,141 --> 00:53:51,019
"I wanna talk to you
about your type 2 diabetes."

1094
00:53:51,102 --> 00:53:53,647
And I go, "No, I'm working on it."

1095
00:53:53,730 --> 00:53:55,899
"I'm trying to change
my diet like you are."

1096
00:53:55,982 --> 00:54:00,695
And then my brother Joe goes,
"You know, Mike, you should write a will."

1097
00:54:01,404 --> 00:54:04,074
And I thought, "How did we get here?"

1098
00:54:04,157 --> 00:54:07,535
I mean, you have to be
really close to someone

1099
00:54:07,619 --> 00:54:11,456
when you tell them you have a disease
for their response to be,

1100
00:54:11,539 --> 00:54:13,833
"I'd love to have some of your stuff."

1101
00:54:13,917 --> 00:54:15,919
[crowd laughs]

1102
00:54:16,002 --> 00:54:18,004
[chuckles]

1103
00:54:18,964 --> 00:54:21,299
So that night
we're saying goodbye to my folks,

1104
00:54:21,383 --> 00:54:22,592
and I have a fear

1105
00:54:23,677 --> 00:54:28,014
when I'm saying goodbye to my dad
that it could be goodbye, you know.

1106
00:54:28,098 --> 00:54:29,557
I said, "Mom, Dad."

1107
00:54:32,227 --> 00:54:33,144
"Take care."

1108
00:54:33,228 --> 00:54:37,315
[crowd laughs, stops]

1109
00:54:37,399 --> 00:54:38,316
[sighs]

1110
00:54:40,026 --> 00:54:43,863
I don't know why it's so hard for me
to say I love you to my parents,

1111
00:54:43,947 --> 00:54:45,407
but... it is.

1112
00:54:45,490 --> 00:54:48,285
And sometimes I feel
like we get so close to it.

1113
00:54:48,368 --> 00:54:51,997
Like, few years ago, I called my mom
after a friend of ours died.

1114
00:54:52,080 --> 00:54:54,416
I go, "Mom,
I'm so sorry about John Harding."

1115
00:54:54,499 --> 00:54:56,751
And she said,
"We were lucky because last week

1116
00:54:57,502 --> 00:54:59,963
he knew it'd be the last time
we'd speak on the phone,

1117
00:55:00,046 --> 00:55:02,173
so we were able to tell him we loved him."

1118
00:55:03,258 --> 00:55:05,260
[crowd laughs]

1119
00:55:06,469 --> 00:55:09,180
I... I thought maybe I've cracked the code.

1120
00:55:09,264 --> 00:55:13,893
Maybe all you need
is the approximate date of your own death.

1121
00:55:13,977 --> 00:55:17,564
You... you just need a literal deadline.

1122
00:55:18,231 --> 00:55:23,320
So... I'm thinking about all this
as I'm driving home late that night.

1123
00:55:23,403 --> 00:55:25,030
Oona is asleep in the back.

1124
00:55:25,530 --> 00:55:28,450
And I say to my wife, I say, "Clo,

1125
00:55:29,951 --> 00:55:32,203
should we write a will?"

1126
00:55:32,287 --> 00:55:35,165
And she doesn't respond.
Jenny and I don't have this in common.

1127
00:55:35,248 --> 00:55:36,958
When people ask me questions,

1128
00:55:37,042 --> 00:55:41,004
I feel a social responsibility to reply,

1129
00:55:41,087 --> 00:55:42,464
and she doesn't have that.

1130
00:55:42,547 --> 00:55:46,926
I mean, she ghosted me in person. And so...

1131
00:55:47,010 --> 00:55:49,012
[crowd laughs]

1132
00:55:52,057 --> 00:55:54,267
...so I just took matters into my own hands.

1133
00:55:54,351 --> 00:55:57,937
I called a lawyer who writes wills.
We'll just call him Will.

1134
00:55:58,021 --> 00:56:01,691
And Jenny and I are sitting with Will
at our kitchen table,

1135
00:56:01,775 --> 00:56:03,443
and it gets very serious right away.

1136
00:56:03,526 --> 00:56:06,738
He says, "What happens
if Mike gets hit by a bus?"

1137
00:56:07,697 --> 00:56:10,533
I said, "I don't know.
I guess Jen gets the money?"

1138
00:56:10,617 --> 00:56:14,537
He said, "What happens
if you and Jen get hit by the same bus?"

1139
00:56:14,621 --> 00:56:15,705
[crowd laughs]

1140
00:56:17,415 --> 00:56:19,918
I said,
"Our daughter Oona gets the money?"

1141
00:56:20,001 --> 00:56:22,087
He said, "Who's in charge of Oona?"

1142
00:56:23,963 --> 00:56:25,590
I said, "The bus driver?"

1143
00:56:25,673 --> 00:56:27,675
[crowd laughs]

1144
00:56:32,097 --> 00:56:34,682
And then it was silent
for about 40 minutes.

1145
00:56:34,766 --> 00:56:36,976
[crowd laughs]

1146
00:56:37,060 --> 00:56:40,980
And of course you <i>can</i> get hit by the bus.
I mean, this isn't an outrageous scenario.

1147
00:56:41,064 --> 00:56:44,317
A few years ago I'm in the back
of an Uber here in New York City.

1148
00:56:44,401 --> 00:56:47,278
And the driver makes a left-hand turn
onto the Manhattan Bridge

1149
00:56:47,362 --> 00:56:48,655
and hits a pedestrian.

1150
00:56:48,738 --> 00:56:49,572
[crowd reacts]

1151
00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:52,492
I know. She was okay,
but she went down hard,

1152
00:56:53,034 --> 00:56:54,619
and then she popped up.

1153
00:56:55,453 --> 00:56:57,247
And said, "I'm good!"

1154
00:56:57,330 --> 00:57:00,083
You know, 'cause New Yorkers are resilient

1155
00:57:00,166 --> 00:57:03,420
and often drunk but...

1156
00:57:03,503 --> 00:57:05,004
[crowd laughs]

1157
00:57:05,088 --> 00:57:09,175
...but it was shocking. I mean,
the first thing I thought was "One star."

1158
00:57:09,259 --> 00:57:12,095
- You know what I mean, like, I...
- [laughs]

1159
00:57:12,178 --> 00:57:14,639
There's an infinite number of ways
any of us could die.

1160
00:57:14,722 --> 00:57:17,684
I read about a woman
who died from a coconut...

1161
00:57:19,102 --> 00:57:20,687
[clicks tongue]

1162
00:57:20,770 --> 00:57:23,398
...falling on her head,
which is the ultimate example

1163
00:57:23,481 --> 00:57:26,609
of "She did not see that coming." And...

1164
00:57:26,693 --> 00:57:29,487
[crowd laughs]

1165
00:57:29,571 --> 00:57:31,281
...and my question is, with due all respect,

1166
00:57:31,364 --> 00:57:33,575
if you know someone
who was killed by a coconut,

1167
00:57:34,117 --> 00:57:35,952
should we eat the coconut?
You know what I mean?

1168
00:57:36,035 --> 00:57:37,787
'Cause, well, it's ripe.

1169
00:57:39,080 --> 00:57:42,083
I read about a guy who died... [laughs]

1170
00:57:42,750 --> 00:57:45,503
...during a cockroach-eating competition.

1171
00:57:45,587 --> 00:57:47,672
No, I know.
Which part of Florida was is it in?

1172
00:57:47,755 --> 00:57:52,218
It was Deerfield Beach.
It doesn't matter. The point is...

1173
00:57:52,302 --> 00:57:54,304
[crowd laughs]

1174
00:57:57,098 --> 00:57:59,142
...we're sitting with Will
at our kitchen table,

1175
00:57:59,225 --> 00:58:01,478
and we're filling out
the "death" questionnaire.

1176
00:58:01,561 --> 00:58:04,522
And the first few were easy.
It's like, name. "All right."

1177
00:58:05,106 --> 00:58:07,233
Email. "Come on!"

1178
00:58:07,817 --> 00:58:11,529
Day you were married.
"We gotta look that up." You know, and...

1179
00:58:12,363 --> 00:58:13,948
[laughs]

1180
00:58:14,032 --> 00:58:15,116
...Will says,

1181
00:58:15,783 --> 00:58:16,951
"I'm gonna go,

1182
00:58:17,785 --> 00:58:20,872
but I'll leave the death questionnaire
here on the kitchen table,

1183
00:58:20,955 --> 00:58:23,625
and if you fill it out in a few days
and get it back to me,

1184
00:58:23,708 --> 00:58:25,126
we'll just be done with this."

1185
00:58:25,877 --> 00:58:28,880
So, the death questionnaire
sits on our kitchen table for a week

1186
00:58:28,963 --> 00:58:30,423
and then a month.

1187
00:58:31,549 --> 00:58:32,926
And then three years.

1188
00:58:33,009 --> 00:58:35,428
[crowd laughs]

1189
00:58:35,512 --> 00:58:39,098
That's how much Jenny and I
don't wanna discuss that.

1190
00:58:40,141 --> 00:58:43,770
But we have to. I mean,
at that point, Oona was six years old.

1191
00:58:43,853 --> 00:58:46,356
When I was six, my grandparents died.

1192
00:58:46,439 --> 00:58:49,108
The Challenger exploded.
I mean, that happened...

1193
00:58:49,192 --> 00:58:52,028
I grew up in the '80s.
That was live on television at school.

1194
00:58:52,111 --> 00:58:54,405
The teacher strolled the TVs
in the class and said,

1195
00:58:54,489 --> 00:58:57,825
"Today, seven brave astronauts
are going to space."

1196
00:58:57,909 --> 00:58:59,035
Actually,

1197
00:58:59,744 --> 00:59:01,955
we're gonna watch
<i>The Sound of Music,</i> you know.

1198
00:59:02,038 --> 00:59:03,998
And we were six. We're like...

1199
00:59:04,082 --> 00:59:05,833
[screaming]

1200
00:59:06,417 --> 00:59:08,294
..."Where did they go?"

1201
00:59:08,378 --> 00:59:10,380
[crowd laughs]

1202
00:59:12,632 --> 00:59:15,009
I went to a Catholic school,
and so the teacher said,

1203
00:59:15,093 --> 00:59:18,221
"They're in a better place."
And I was like, "Better than space?"

1204
00:59:18,304 --> 00:59:21,140
- "I don't know."
- [crowd laughs]

1205
00:59:23,851 --> 00:59:27,814
When I was a kid, when someone died,
that's what the grown-up said.

1206
00:59:27,897 --> 00:59:29,232
"They're in a better place."

1207
00:59:29,315 --> 00:59:32,360
And I always took solace in that
until I started to feel like the people

1208
00:59:32,443 --> 00:59:36,823
who were telling me that were not
as confident as I had originally thought.

1209
00:59:39,993 --> 00:59:43,621
So when I'm 21,
one of our best friends dies.

1210
00:59:43,705 --> 00:59:48,042
Mr. Naples. He was like a second father.
He was at every Christmas Parmesan.

1211
00:59:48,126 --> 00:59:50,670
- [crowd laughs]
- He was... [laughs]

1212
00:59:51,588 --> 00:59:54,841
When my parents went away
on vacation once a year,

1213
00:59:54,924 --> 00:59:57,802
Joe and I would stay
with Mr. Naples, and I loved it.

1214
00:59:57,885 --> 01:00:01,889
It was my favorite week of the year
'cause he was so fun and he's funny.

1215
01:00:01,973 --> 01:00:04,100
And he was the first person who,
in my life,

1216
01:00:04,183 --> 01:00:07,562
who would let me in on grown-up jokes,
and he was sort of, like, rich.

1217
01:00:07,645 --> 01:00:10,982
You'd ring his doorbell,
and it wouldn't be, "Bing bong." It'd be...

1218
01:00:11,065 --> 01:00:14,861
- [mimicking loud doorbell]
- [crowd laughing]

1219
01:00:18,323 --> 01:00:21,242
We were like, "This dude is rich."

1220
01:00:21,326 --> 01:00:23,953
"That is how you spend money right there."

1221
01:00:24,495 --> 01:00:27,415
You get yourself a good doorbell game.

1222
01:00:27,498 --> 01:00:29,500
[crowd laughs]

1223
01:00:36,424 --> 01:00:39,677
When Mr. Naples is 58, he dies suddenly.

1224
01:00:39,761 --> 01:00:42,347
It was devastating, you know.

1225
01:00:42,430 --> 01:00:45,975
I remember being at the church,
looking at his body, and it's embalmed.

1226
01:00:46,726 --> 01:00:49,729
And I don't think I'd seen
a body embalmed up close.

1227
01:00:51,064 --> 01:00:53,316
I'm thinking, "Is this the best plan?"

1228
01:00:54,150 --> 01:00:55,818
Just one last facial.

1229
01:00:55,902 --> 01:00:57,654
[crowd laughs]

1230
01:00:57,737 --> 01:01:00,031
Like, can we talk about
the embalming thing?

1231
01:01:00,114 --> 01:01:02,700
Like, the person doesn't look good, right?

1232
01:01:02,784 --> 01:01:05,244
They look puffy and...

1233
01:01:05,787 --> 01:01:09,374
If we're gonna manipulate the body,
why not taxidermy? Like,

1234
01:01:10,249 --> 01:01:13,670
"So sad about Mr. Naples.
But he's catching that football!"

1235
01:01:13,753 --> 01:01:16,839
You know what I mean?
Something with a little energy.

1236
01:01:16,923 --> 01:01:18,800
Give him a win on the way out.

1237
01:01:18,883 --> 01:01:20,510
[crowd laughs]

1238
01:01:20,593 --> 01:01:22,929
[laughing]

1239
01:01:28,810 --> 01:01:31,187
So after the funeral,
we went to a friend's house,

1240
01:01:31,270 --> 01:01:32,730
and everybody started drinking.

1241
01:01:32,814 --> 01:01:36,067
I remember it so well
'cause my parents don't really drink.

1242
01:01:36,693 --> 01:01:39,654
But two hours later,
my parents just keep drinking.

1243
01:01:40,571 --> 01:01:43,449
An hour after that, my parents are drunk.

1244
01:01:43,533 --> 01:01:45,159
I mean, I've never seen them like this.

1245
01:01:45,243 --> 01:01:47,954
They're spitting when they talk.
They're slurring their words.

1246
01:01:48,454 --> 01:01:51,874
It was the first time it hit me.
I don't know if anyone can handle death.

1247
01:01:56,045 --> 01:01:58,297
So Jenny and I
never finished writing our will,

1248
01:01:58,381 --> 01:02:02,719
but I did start to see a nutritionist,
which is not the same thing.

1249
01:02:03,344 --> 01:02:06,347
[chuckles] Uh,
but I think it's a positive step.

1250
01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:09,434
If you haven't seen a nutritionist,
you're not missing too much.

1251
01:02:09,517 --> 01:02:13,062
They know the same stuff as us. It's...

1252
01:02:13,146 --> 01:02:15,148
[crowd laughs]

1253
01:02:17,233 --> 01:02:19,402
Imagine your most annoying friend,

1254
01:02:19,485 --> 01:02:22,238
and then imagine they start charging you.

1255
01:02:22,321 --> 01:02:24,323
[crowd laughs]

1256
01:02:25,533 --> 01:02:27,910
She's like,
"You know what's healthy? Vegetables."

1257
01:02:27,994 --> 01:02:29,829
I'm like, "I had heard that

1258
01:02:31,289 --> 01:02:34,375
from everyone.
Have you been talking to everyone?"

1259
01:02:34,459 --> 01:02:36,461
[crowd laughs]

1260
01:02:42,800 --> 01:02:45,261
But she was very encouraging.
Her name is Christina.

1261
01:02:45,344 --> 01:02:47,096
And she got very granular right away.

1262
01:02:47,180 --> 01:02:49,140
She goes, "How soft are your stools?"

1263
01:02:49,223 --> 01:02:53,186
And I said,
"I don't have a point of comparison." Uh...

1264
01:02:53,269 --> 01:02:55,772
"Softer than a dog, harder than a pigeon?"

1265
01:02:55,855 --> 01:02:59,233
"I mean, what... what's the metric
you're looking for here?"

1266
01:02:59,317 --> 01:03:03,237
"I didn't know we were supposed
to keep track. Did I miss a meeting?"

1267
01:03:04,030 --> 01:03:06,240
I'm worried about the person
who has a really good answer,

1268
01:03:06,324 --> 01:03:08,868
like, "Delicate." You're like, "Uh."

1269
01:03:08,951 --> 01:03:10,953
[crowd laughs]

1270
01:03:13,080 --> 01:03:15,166
She said, "Do you have any
pre-existing conditions?"

1271
01:03:15,249 --> 01:03:18,002
I said, "I had bladder cancer.
I have type 2 diabetes."

1272
01:03:18,085 --> 01:03:20,004
"I eat sugar fries."

1273
01:03:20,087 --> 01:03:23,299
[crowd laughs, stops]

1274
01:03:23,382 --> 01:03:26,093
She said, "How is your sleep?"
And I said, "Well..."

1275
01:03:26,177 --> 01:03:29,347
And that's a whole thing. Like...

1276
01:03:29,430 --> 01:03:32,266
If you're laughing,
you know the larger answer to that one.

1277
01:03:32,350 --> 01:03:35,102
I've talked about that
in some of the other shows.

1278
01:03:35,186 --> 01:03:37,980
And if you're not laughing,
the short version is

1279
01:03:38,064 --> 01:03:40,858
that I have
a very serious sleepwalking disorder.

1280
01:03:40,942 --> 01:03:43,611
It got so bad when I was 25 years old,

1281
01:03:43,694 --> 01:03:48,866
I jumped through
a second-story window of a La Quinta Inn

1282
01:03:48,950 --> 01:03:50,284
in Walla Walla, Washington.

1283
01:03:50,368 --> 01:03:54,121
When I say through,
I mean through the glass.

1284
01:03:54,205 --> 01:03:56,082
I mean, I ended up in the emergency room.

1285
01:03:56,165 --> 01:03:58,209
They took glass out of my legs.

1286
01:03:58,292 --> 01:04:01,879
I was diagnosed with a rare thing
called REM sleep behavior disorder.

1287
01:04:01,963 --> 01:04:04,340
So when I go to bed at night,
I take medication,

1288
01:04:04,423 --> 01:04:08,177
and I sleep in a sleeping bag
up to my neck.

1289
01:04:08,261 --> 01:04:13,641
And I wear mittens,
so I can't open the sleeping bag.

1290
01:04:13,724 --> 01:04:15,351
[crowd laughs]

1291
01:04:15,434 --> 01:04:18,729
The long version is...

1292
01:04:18,813 --> 01:04:21,190
[crowd laughs]

1293
01:04:21,274 --> 01:04:22,567
Fine. I don't know.

1294
01:04:22,650 --> 01:04:26,279
Like, I got a bad case
of the "jumping out the windows," but...

1295
01:04:26,362 --> 01:04:28,865
- [crowd laughs]
- [laughs]

1296
01:04:30,867 --> 01:04:32,994
Christina asked
a really thought-provoking question.

1297
01:04:33,077 --> 01:04:35,162
She goes,
"When do you get your best night's sleep?"

1298
01:04:35,246 --> 01:04:39,876
And I said, "When I read
'cause when I read, my brain is like,

1299
01:04:39,959 --> 01:04:42,003
'I'm out.'" You know what I mean? Like,

1300
01:04:42,670 --> 01:04:45,464
I was under the impression
there was a film adaptation.

1301
01:04:45,548 --> 01:04:48,467
I had no idea what I was getting into.

1302
01:04:50,386 --> 01:04:52,847
But it got me in the habit
of reading every night,

1303
01:04:52,930 --> 01:04:57,643
but what happened was, I'd read a book,
and then I would... fall asleep,

1304
01:04:57,727 --> 01:04:59,562
and my lamp would still be on.

1305
01:04:59,645 --> 01:05:03,357
And so I got an app on my phone,
and it is called WeMo.

1306
01:05:03,441 --> 01:05:06,903
It's like a simple thing
where you set a timer for 15 or 20 minutes

1307
01:05:06,986 --> 01:05:09,989
to shut off your lamp
or whatever is plugged into the wall.

1308
01:05:10,072 --> 01:05:12,241
So, I set my WeMo,
and I get in my sleeping bag.

1309
01:05:12,325 --> 01:05:15,411
I take my medication,
and I'm engrossed in the book.

1310
01:05:15,494 --> 01:05:16,704
Inevitably, I fall asleep.

1311
01:05:16,787 --> 01:05:19,457
While I was asleep,
the lamp would go... [clicks tongue]

1312
01:05:20,166 --> 01:05:23,544
One night... I didn't fall asleep.

1313
01:05:24,879 --> 01:05:26,422
So I set my WeMo.

1314
01:05:26,923 --> 01:05:29,675
I get in my sleeping bag.
I take my medication.

1315
01:05:30,760 --> 01:05:33,804
And I'm engrossed
in the characters and the story,

1316
01:05:33,888 --> 01:05:37,016
and as the plot is reaching its climax...

1317
01:05:37,975 --> 01:05:38,893
[clicks tongue]

1318
01:05:43,189 --> 01:05:46,859
In some ways, it was the closest
I've come to experiencing my own death.

1319
01:05:46,943 --> 01:05:48,069
[crowd laughs]

1320
01:05:48,152 --> 01:05:50,821
I was thinking that WeMo
could actually market themselves

1321
01:05:50,905 --> 01:05:53,950
as a sort of like a death simulator.

1322
01:05:54,033 --> 01:05:56,077
[crowd laughs]

1323
01:05:56,160 --> 01:05:57,745
They could call it WeDie.

1324
01:05:57,828 --> 01:05:59,747
[crowd laughs]

1325
01:05:59,830 --> 01:06:00,998
Or WeNoMo.

1326
01:06:01,582 --> 01:06:04,001
So, now... [laughs]

1327
01:06:04,085 --> 01:06:06,087
[crowd laughs]

1328
01:06:08,839 --> 01:06:12,760
...so, now I'm going to a nutritionist.
I'm doing WeNoMo.

1329
01:06:13,886 --> 01:06:17,723
I'm monitoring my stools. [gulps]

1330
01:06:17,807 --> 01:06:21,560
I started to think about this quote
that has stuck with me for a long time.

1331
01:06:21,644 --> 01:06:24,188
About 20 years ago,
the great musician Warren Zevon

1332
01:06:24,271 --> 01:06:27,483
was dying of terminal lung cancer,
and he knew it.

1333
01:06:27,566 --> 01:06:28,818
It was a very sad story,

1334
01:06:28,901 --> 01:06:31,112
and I was watching him be interviewed
by David Letterman.

1335
01:06:31,195 --> 01:06:32,154
Letterman said to him,

1336
01:06:32,238 --> 01:06:35,408
"You know, experiencing this
the way that you are,

1337
01:06:35,491 --> 01:06:37,451
what can you teach us
about life and death?"

1338
01:06:37,535 --> 01:06:39,078
And Warren Zevon said,

1339
01:06:40,287 --> 01:06:41,706
"Enjoy every sandwich."

1340
01:06:48,087 --> 01:06:50,381
I think for the year that I started
to see a nutritionist,

1341
01:06:50,464 --> 01:06:53,634
I started to enjoy every sandwich.
Like, when I would eat, I would just eat.

1342
01:06:55,219 --> 01:06:57,680
I'd still eat pizza,
but I wouldn't have the whole pie.

1343
01:06:57,763 --> 01:07:01,100
I'd have one slice or two slices.
And in some ways, I enjoyed it more.

1344
01:07:01,183 --> 01:07:04,103
This idea that I could sip
the nectar of the gods

1345
01:07:04,186 --> 01:07:05,855
but not drink the whole jug.

1346
01:07:05,938 --> 01:07:07,273
[crowd laughs]

1347
01:07:07,356 --> 01:07:10,109
And after about a year of this,
I went for my annual checkup,

1348
01:07:10,192 --> 01:07:12,403
and Dr. Walsh took my blood.

1349
01:07:12,486 --> 01:07:16,282
And I came back a few days later,
and he said, "You know, Mike,

1350
01:07:16,907 --> 01:07:21,203
I'm surprised to report you actually
have reversed your type 2 diabetes."

1351
01:07:22,455 --> 01:07:24,749
"But I want you to blow into this tube."

1352
01:07:24,832 --> 01:07:27,293
And... [laughs]

1353
01:07:27,376 --> 01:07:29,211
...and so I did it. I went... [blows]

1354
01:07:29,295 --> 01:07:32,339
...and he goes, "Do it again."
I went... [blows]

1355
01:07:32,923 --> 01:07:36,385
He said, "I wanna show you something."
He brings me over his computer screen.

1356
01:07:36,469 --> 01:07:38,804
He said, "When people your age

1357
01:07:39,388 --> 01:07:42,391
have healthy breathing
and they blow into that tube,

1358
01:07:43,225 --> 01:07:46,479
the line goes a little bit like this."

1359
01:07:49,190 --> 01:07:52,526
"And when people your age
have obstructed breathing pathways,

1360
01:07:52,610 --> 01:07:56,113
it looks a little bit more like this."

1361
01:08:00,493 --> 01:08:01,911
"And when you do it...

1362
01:08:01,994 --> 01:08:04,580
[crowd laughs]

1363
01:08:04,663 --> 01:08:06,415
...it looks like this."

1364
01:08:08,250 --> 01:08:12,254
[crowd laughs]

1365
01:08:18,594 --> 01:08:20,846
And he said,
"I don't know what to tell you."

1366
01:08:22,723 --> 01:08:25,267
"'Cause in the short-term,
there's not much we can do."

1367
01:08:25,351 --> 01:08:27,645
"We've already sent you
to see a cardiologist,

1368
01:08:27,728 --> 01:08:31,107
but in the long-term, with your history
of bladder cancer and diabetes...

1369
01:08:33,359 --> 01:08:35,653
it's just not ideal."

1370
01:08:35,736 --> 01:08:37,738
[crowd laughs]

1371
01:08:39,031 --> 01:08:40,324
[sighs]

1372
01:08:41,367 --> 01:08:43,911
I'd never heard my doctor sound so worried

1373
01:08:44,578 --> 01:08:47,373
but have no plan.

1374
01:08:49,083 --> 01:08:52,294
And that night, I'm lying in bed with Oona
after she's fallen asleep,

1375
01:08:52,378 --> 01:08:54,672
and I'm experiencing
the shortness of breath.

1376
01:08:54,755 --> 01:08:58,050
Except this time, I'm thinking about
how I'll be thinking about my breath

1377
01:08:58,134 --> 01:08:59,135
for the rest of my life.

1378
01:08:59,218 --> 01:09:01,053
The same way since I was 20,

1379
01:09:01,137 --> 01:09:04,765
I've been thinking about the color
of the water in the toilet when I pee.

1380
01:09:04,849 --> 01:09:07,434
The same way since I was 25,
before I fall asleep,

1381
01:09:07,518 --> 01:09:11,188
I have a sinking fear
that I might hurt myself in my sleep.

1382
01:09:13,691 --> 01:09:16,026
I take out my journal, and I open it up.

1383
01:09:17,027 --> 01:09:18,237
I pick up my pen.

1384
01:09:22,241 --> 01:09:23,909
I... I can't write anything.

1385
01:09:29,165 --> 01:09:31,083
And the next morning, I wake up,

1386
01:09:31,876 --> 01:09:35,546
and I walk to the Brooklyn YMCA,
and I start swimming five days a week.

1387
01:09:35,629 --> 01:09:38,549
And you're probably thinking,
"Nobody swims five days a week."

1388
01:09:38,632 --> 01:09:41,010
I'm telling you, I swim five days a week.

1389
01:09:41,093 --> 01:09:44,221
You're thinking, "Michael Phelps
doesn't swim five days a week."

1390
01:09:44,305 --> 01:09:46,182
I'm telling you, Michael Phelps and I...

1391
01:09:46,265 --> 01:09:48,434
[crowd laughs]

1392
01:09:48,517 --> 01:09:51,770
...separately and at the same level,
swim five days a week.

1393
01:09:53,480 --> 01:09:55,774
I picked up this book, uh, on breathing.

1394
01:09:55,858 --> 01:09:58,360
It's called <i>Breath.</i>
Sort of a simple start.

1395
01:09:58,444 --> 01:10:01,780
And, uh... I started practicing
holding my breath

1396
01:10:01,864 --> 01:10:03,741
for increasingly long increments of time,

1397
01:10:03,824 --> 01:10:07,077
which is practiced by yoga instructors
and middle-school bullies.

1398
01:10:07,161 --> 01:10:10,122
And... I got better and better at it.

1399
01:10:10,206 --> 01:10:12,499
Sometimes I would practice
underwater at the Y.

1400
01:10:12,583 --> 01:10:18,130
And one day, I'm swimming underwater,
two-thirds the length of a lane,

1401
01:10:18,214 --> 01:10:21,550
and as I surface,
I see a sign that I'd never noticed,

1402
01:10:21,634 --> 01:10:24,929
and the sign says, "No breath-holding."

1403
01:10:26,347 --> 01:10:30,017
- [laughs]
- [crowd laughs]

1404
01:10:30,100 --> 01:10:32,645
I thought, "That's so odd."
I go, "Vanessa."

1405
01:10:33,479 --> 01:10:37,274
"What does that mean? No breath-holding."

1406
01:10:37,900 --> 01:10:41,111
She said, "Oh, there were
these two guys last summer

1407
01:10:42,029 --> 01:10:45,366
taking turns holding their breath
like as a competition,

1408
01:10:45,866 --> 01:10:47,618
and then one of them died."

1409
01:10:47,701 --> 01:10:49,703
[crowd laughs]

1410
01:10:54,166 --> 01:10:55,918
I just want to stop you right there.

1411
01:10:56,001 --> 01:10:57,336
- [laughs]
- Uh...

1412
01:10:57,419 --> 01:11:00,214
You know, we're laughing
about a lot of things this evening,

1413
01:11:00,297 --> 01:11:02,091
but right now,
I think the appropriate thing

1414
01:11:02,174 --> 01:11:06,595
would be a moment of silence
for this man who died holding his breath.

1415
01:11:07,721 --> 01:11:10,641
Okay, we're just gonna stop
the show for a second. Um...

1416
01:11:10,724 --> 01:11:12,726
[crowd laughs]

1417
01:11:17,564 --> 01:11:19,566
[man 1 laughing loudly]

1418
01:11:24,488 --> 01:11:26,240
I don't wanna single anybody out,

1419
01:11:26,323 --> 01:11:30,619
but, uh, could we bring
the house lights up for a second, please?

1420
01:11:31,745 --> 01:11:33,038
Sir... uh, sir.

1421
01:11:33,122 --> 01:11:34,498
[crowd laughing]

1422
01:11:36,625 --> 01:11:37,501
Sir.

1423
01:11:42,256 --> 01:11:44,967
Sir, we're doing something
over here right now.

1424
01:11:45,801 --> 01:11:48,178
We're having a moment of silence for a man

1425
01:11:48,262 --> 01:11:51,432
who died holding his breath
in the YMCA pool.

1426
01:11:52,349 --> 01:11:55,019
And you're doing something
entirely different.

1427
01:11:56,895 --> 01:11:59,064
So, if you could just be more respectful

1428
01:12:00,441 --> 01:12:02,735
of this man who died...

1429
01:12:04,611 --> 01:12:07,573
- holding his breath.
- [man 2 laughs loudly]

1430
01:12:07,656 --> 01:12:09,158
Okay, you're not helping.

1431
01:12:09,241 --> 01:12:11,243
[crowd laughs]

1432
01:12:14,246 --> 01:12:15,080
So...

1433
01:12:15,164 --> 01:12:17,166
[laughing]

1434
01:12:23,130 --> 01:12:25,132
[woman laughing loudly]

1435
01:12:27,217 --> 01:12:29,011
You know who's not laughing right now?

1436
01:12:29,094 --> 01:12:31,347
[laughing]

1437
01:12:32,556 --> 01:12:35,225
Do you know who's not laughing right now?

1438
01:12:36,977 --> 01:12:41,648
This man who died
holding his breath in the YMCA pool.

1439
01:12:45,736 --> 01:12:48,030
Let's just do a hard reset. Um...

1440
01:12:49,114 --> 01:12:51,367
'Cause I think this is
a well-intended group of people.

1441
01:12:51,450 --> 01:12:53,660
And I think if we just

1442
01:12:53,744 --> 01:12:56,413
get together as a group and focus,
I think we can do this.

1443
01:12:56,497 --> 01:12:58,749
Let's just take a deep breath.
[inhales deeply]

1444
01:12:58,832 --> 01:13:01,585
Not too long.
If there's one thing we've learned...

1445
01:13:01,668 --> 01:13:02,544
[crowd laughs]

1446
01:13:02,628 --> 01:13:04,922
...from this man who died,
it is to be judicious

1447
01:13:05,005 --> 01:13:07,216
with the length of one's breath

1448
01:13:07,841 --> 01:13:09,843
when holding one's breath.

1449
01:13:13,305 --> 01:13:16,350
Uh, if you could just repeat after me.

1450
01:13:16,433 --> 01:13:18,727
We're gonna have a moment of silence.

1451
01:13:18,811 --> 01:13:21,313
- [crowd repeats]
- Thank you.

1452
01:13:21,397 --> 01:13:23,190
For this man who died.

1453
01:13:23,273 --> 01:13:25,359
[crowd] For this man who died.

1454
01:13:25,442 --> 01:13:26,735
Holding his breath.

1455
01:13:26,819 --> 01:13:28,320
[crowd] Holding his breath.

1456
01:13:29,488 --> 01:13:31,073
In the YMCA pool.

1457
01:13:31,156 --> 01:13:33,242
[crowd] In the YMCA pool.

1458
01:13:35,369 --> 01:13:38,288
[laughing]

1459
01:13:42,126 --> 01:13:43,627
Once we have achieved.

1460
01:13:44,253 --> 01:13:46,088
[crowd] Once we have achieved.

1461
01:13:46,922 --> 01:13:48,465
This moment of silence.

1462
01:13:48,549 --> 01:13:50,259
[crowd] This moment of silence.

1463
01:13:50,968 --> 01:13:52,511
We will be rewarded.

1464
01:13:52,594 --> 01:13:54,471
[crowd] We will be rewarded.

1465
01:13:54,555 --> 01:13:57,057
With one humorous detail about his death.

1466
01:13:57,141 --> 01:13:58,058
[crowd laughs]

1467
01:14:07,568 --> 01:14:09,194
[crowd stops]

1468
01:14:11,989 --> 01:14:15,784
After he died,
his body disintegrated within six hours.

1469
01:14:16,577 --> 01:14:18,579
The point is... [laughs]

1470
01:14:18,662 --> 01:14:23,250
...the point is
after I surfaced from the YMCA pool,

1471
01:14:23,333 --> 01:14:25,836
and I see the no-breath-holding sign,

1472
01:14:26,545 --> 01:14:30,632
I dry myself off. I pull off my swim cap.

1473
01:14:30,716 --> 01:14:33,969
I walk into the locker room.

1474
01:14:34,052 --> 01:14:36,680
I pull down my swim trunks.

1475
01:14:37,973 --> 01:14:41,643
- [crowd laughs, applauds]
- [laughing]

1476
01:14:43,270 --> 01:14:44,938
[laughing] And I sit on the bench,

1477
01:14:46,398 --> 01:14:49,735
and I'm reminded
of the old man when I was a kid.

1478
01:14:50,736 --> 01:14:52,362
And for the first time in my life,

1479
01:14:52,446 --> 01:14:55,908
I thought,
"Maybe he knew something I didn't know."

1480
01:14:55,991 --> 01:14:57,034
[crowd laughs]

1481
01:14:57,117 --> 01:14:59,203
He was the oldest man I'd ever seen.

1482
01:15:00,329 --> 01:15:03,415
He'd lived a long life.
He'd taken care of his body.

1483
01:15:04,082 --> 01:15:05,167
He swam.

1484
01:15:05,876 --> 01:15:07,419
He had sensitive skin.

1485
01:15:07,503 --> 01:15:09,379
[crowd laughs]

1486
01:15:09,463 --> 01:15:13,050
Here I was, this seven-year-old kid
laughing at this old man,

1487
01:15:13,133 --> 01:15:15,511
but maybe the roadmap to my own maturity

1488
01:15:15,594 --> 01:15:18,430
was in the veins of this man's testicles.

1489
01:15:18,514 --> 01:15:20,516
[crowd laughs]

1490
01:15:24,937 --> 01:15:26,522
[crowd stops]

1491
01:15:26,605 --> 01:15:30,859
The old man is dead,
and we're all the old man.

1492
01:15:30,943 --> 01:15:32,319
We will be if we're lucky.

1493
01:15:32,402 --> 01:15:34,613
Any of us could be the man
who died holding his breath

1494
01:15:34,696 --> 01:15:35,697
in the YMCA pool,

1495
01:15:35,781 --> 01:15:38,575
or the woman who died
from a coconut falling on her head.

1496
01:15:38,659 --> 01:15:40,953
Any of us could be diagnosed
with terminal cancer.

1497
01:15:41,036 --> 01:15:43,121
All we're promised is
this moment right now,

1498
01:15:43,205 --> 01:15:45,332
together at the Vivian Beaumont Theater.

1499
01:15:45,415 --> 01:15:48,460
These are the days of us.
And what I wanna tell my pare...

1500
01:15:48,544 --> 01:15:49,419
[loud bang]

1501
01:15:49,503 --> 01:15:51,213
[crowd laughs, applauds]

1502
01:15:51,296 --> 01:15:53,298
["Red Hearse" by Red Hearse playing]

1503
01:15:54,883 --> 01:15:57,302
<i>♪ I'll be better than I was before ♪</i>

1504
01:15:57,386 --> 01:15:59,721
<i>♪ A natural, about to burst out the door ♪</i>

1505
01:15:59,805 --> 01:16:02,849
<i>♪ I never let you go
This all of our needs before ♪</i>

1506
01:16:02,933 --> 01:16:05,394
<i>♪ It's getting deeper
We're caught up in the undertone ♪</i>

1507
01:16:05,477 --> 01:16:06,562
<i>♪ So come on ♪</i>

1508
01:16:06,645 --> 01:16:09,273
<i>♪ And if you can't hold me ♪</i>

1509
01:16:09,356 --> 01:16:10,732
<i>♪ I'll dive in it... ♪</i>

1510
01:16:10,816 --> 01:16:12,234
[mouthing] Thank you.

1511
01:16:12,317 --> 01:16:14,611
<i>♪ Like I'm riding in a red hearse ♪</i>

1512
01:16:14,695 --> 01:16:16,989
<i>♪ I'll dive in it, head-first ♪</i>

1513
01:16:17,072 --> 01:16:19,658
<i>♪ Like I'm riding in a red hearse ♪</i>

1514
01:16:19,741 --> 01:16:21,868
<i>♪ I'll dive in it, head-first ♪</i>

1515
01:16:21,952 --> 01:16:24,413
<i>♪ Like I'm riding in a red hearse ♪</i>

1516
01:16:24,496 --> 01:16:26,915
<i>♪ I'll dive in it, head-first ♪</i>

1517
01:16:26,999 --> 01:16:29,459
<i>♪ Like I'm riding in a red hearse ♪</i>

1518
01:16:30,877 --> 01:16:33,005
<i>♪ Wake up in the midnight ♪</i>

1519
01:16:33,088 --> 01:16:35,007
<i>♪ Heavy heart, hit another red light ♪</i>

1520
01:16:35,090 --> 01:16:37,843
<i>♪ The last flowers, at the first sight ♪</i>

1521
01:16:37,926 --> 01:16:40,095
<i>♪ The first time I saw you
Gave me half life ♪</i>

1522
01:16:40,178 --> 01:16:42,598
<i>♪ You the only one I really want now ♪</i>

1523
01:16:42,681 --> 01:16:44,975
<i>♪ You the only one to make me slow down ♪</i>

1524
01:16:45,058 --> 01:16:47,269
<i>♪ You the only one to make me slow down ♪</i>

1525
01:16:48,061 --> 01:16:50,689
<i>♪ I'll be better than I was before ♪</i>

1526
01:16:50,772 --> 01:16:52,983
<i>♪ A natural, about to burst out the door ♪</i>

1527
01:16:53,066 --> 01:16:56,028
<i>♪ I never let you go
This all of our needs before ♪</i>

1528
01:16:56,111 --> 01:16:58,488
<i>♪ It's getting deeper
We're caught up in the undertone ♪</i>

1529
01:16:58,572 --> 01:16:59,656
<i>♪ So come on ♪</i>

1530
01:16:59,740 --> 01:17:02,326
<i>♪ And if you can't hold me ♪</i>

1531
01:17:02,409 --> 01:17:04,411
<i>♪ I'll dive in it ♪</i>

1532
01:17:04,494 --> 01:17:05,454
<i>♪ Head-first ♪</i>

1533
01:17:05,537 --> 01:17:07,956
<i>♪ Like I'm riding in a red hearse ♪</i>

1534
01:17:08,040 --> 01:17:10,375
<i>♪ I'll dive in it, head-first ♪</i>

1535
01:17:10,459 --> 01:17:12,586
<i>♪ Like I'm riding in a red hearse ♪</i>

1536
01:17:12,669 --> 01:17:15,130
<i>♪ I'll dive in it, head-first ♪</i>

1537
01:17:15,213 --> 01:17:17,674
<i>♪ Like I'm riding in a red hearse ♪</i>

1538
01:17:17,758 --> 01:17:20,344
<i>♪ I'll dive in it, head-first ♪</i>

1539
01:17:20,427 --> 01:17:23,221
<i>♪ Like I'm riding in a red hearse ♪</i>

1540
01:17:23,305 --> 01:17:25,140
<i>♪ I'll dive in it, head-first ♪</i>

1541
01:17:25,223 --> 01:17:27,309
<i>♪ Like I'm riding in a red hearse ♪</i>

1542
01:17:27,392 --> 01:17:29,978
<i>♪ I'll dive in it, head-first ♪</i>

1543
01:17:30,062 --> 01:17:31,980
<i>♪ Like I'm riding in a red hearse ♪</i>

1544
01:17:32,064 --> 01:17:34,858
<i>♪ I'll dive in it, head-first ♪</i>

1545
01:17:34,941 --> 01:17:37,110
<i>♪ Like I'm riding in a red hearse ♪</i>

1546
01:17:37,194 --> 01:17:39,655
<i>♪ I'll dive in it, head-first ♪</i>

1547
01:17:39,738 --> 01:17:40,906
<i>♪ Like I'm riding in... ♪</i>