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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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-[piano practicing tune]
-[indistinct conversations]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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This is a special, special place.

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[chill music playing]

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This stage is the launchpad of a career.

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This is where I always come
to work on material before I tour,

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before I go anywhere.

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That was the stage
that meant everything to me.

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That was like the altar of comedy for me.

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[chill music continues]

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I did one joke on that stage,
and it blew up my career.

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I was terrified of this place.

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Every single time I would get on stage,
I would die a thousand deaths.

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I was super nervous.
I was shaking in my boots.

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But the good news is
I didn't even get to go up.

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I got bumped!

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[chill music continues]

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I still don't have a poster on the wall.
Can you guys talk to somebody about that?

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The first time I ever met
someone I knew wanted to murder me,

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I was onstage at The Improv.

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You can describe every standup experience
that you've ever had,

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but we-- we all go back to saying,
"Our first time on The Improv stage…"

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There's no feeling like it.

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Bert Kreischer!

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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[chill music continues]

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[audience cheering wildly]

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Thank you.

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[chill music fades out]

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Thank you.

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[laughing]

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Yep, I know. I'm jacked.

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[audience laughing]

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Uh…

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I'm gonna do something special tonight.

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I am going to perform the set
that got me past here 22 years ago.

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[audience cheering]

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Well-- [laughs]

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You're clapping before
you know what I'm about to say.

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As you may guess,
some of these jokes have not aged well.

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-[Bert laughing hysterically]
-[audience laughing]

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I sat right there. I stood right there.

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I was wearing flip-flops.
I'm from Florida, that explains a lot.

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[audience laughing]

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And Budd Friedman came up to me,

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and he said,
"Mr. Kreischer, I hope you understand

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that we have
a close-toed policy at this club."

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"I expect you're running home
to go change shoes."

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I was fucking freaking out.

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So I raced home,
I changed shoes, and I was shaking.

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And he stood right there
as I performed this set.

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Here we go.

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[audience clapping and cheering]

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[Bert chuckling]

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My name's Bert.

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[audience laughing]

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I know you're thinking,
"Hot, sexy name. Do you do porn?"

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I don't.

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Bert's the last name
you wanna hear during sex.

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Some chick on top of you
in the dark, just… [moaning]

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[in silly voice] "Bert."
[continues moaning, starts laughing]

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I like to fuck around.

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I was in the grocery store
with my wife the other day, and…

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[laughing]
…we were in the produce section,

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and I just yelled out real loud,
I go, "Honey!"

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"This time, get a thin cucumber!"

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[audience tittering]

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This woman walks up, freaking out.
She's like, "Sir, excuse me."

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"That was inappropriate."

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I was like,
"Get your mind out of the gutter, honey."

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"I'm putting it in her ass. Not in mine."

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[audience laughing]

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"We're Christians." Here's the advice…

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[audience laughing]

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…I'll give you if you're thinking about
putting a vegetable in your wife's ass.

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Sir, don't use a cucumber. Use a carrot.

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A cucumber

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is too aggressive.

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The shape of it.

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You ever had a cucumber in your ass?

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[audience laughing]

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It's round and bold.
It's like a home invasion, just…

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[mimics crash] "Everybody down!"

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But a carrot is more like…

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"Hello?"

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"Is anybody home?"

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"I brought muffins."

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All right. Now this is the joke
that is more who I am today, okay?

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Here we go. [chuckles]

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Those two are just, I needed jokes
and I didn't know how to write them,

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but this one… [clicks tongue]

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I grew up in Florida. We used to take acid
and go to Disney World. Uh…

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-[audience cheering]
-Yeah, this is like… this is better. Yeah.

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Uh, me, my buddy Hutch,
and my buddy Harper.

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Now, these guys were fucking idiots, okay?

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So me, Hutch, and Harper
go to our drug dealer named Cheetah.

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Real name, by the way.

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Sidebar to this story, my wife and I
ran into him at an airport one time

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in-- as adults!

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She goes, "You're Cheetah?
You used to sell him drugs!"

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I'm like, "Shut the fuck up."

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And he says, "I got great acid for you.
It's called Purple Jesus."

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And we're like…
And it's a picture of Jesus

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just in purple, on the cross, like…

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So we go to Peter Pan's ride
to Never Neverland.

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Three grown men
in a line for a child's ride.

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The lady sees us
and goes, "Sorry, gentlemen."

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"We don't do threesies
on Peter Pan's ride, just twosies."

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I'm like, "Honey, we're on Purple Jesus."

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She's like, "Sorry, just twosies."

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Hutch leans in and goes,
"How about I eat your face?"

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She's like,
"All right, gentlemen, enjoy the ride."

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Three grown men
on a child's ride meant for children.

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Built for children in the '60s!

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We look like a fat foot in a slipper.

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I'm in the middle.
We go into the darkness, it's pitch black,

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and I hear Hutch go, "Okay, real funny."

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[audience laughing]

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"Real funny. Now give 'em back."

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I go, "What are you talking about?"

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He goes,
"You know what I'm talking about."

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"You took 'em. Now give 'em back."

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I'm like, "I have no fucking idea
what you're talking about."

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He goes, "My feet.
You took 'em, now give 'em back."

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I'm like, "I don't have your feet, buddy."
He's like, "You don't? Fuck!"

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Breaks the child's restraint,
disappears into the fucking ride.

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I look at Harper,
I'm like, "Yo, we just lost Hutch."

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He's like, "They took my shadow too!"

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We go through the ride once, I hop off,

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Harper stays on, goes back into the ride,
and that's when the Disney cops showed up.

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-Now…
-[audience laughing]

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…if you've never been arrested
by the Disney cops,

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it's three dudes in khaki shorts

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who cuff me fairly aggressively,

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put me on the back of their golf cart,

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and then patiently wait.

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Harper comes up.

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They grab him,
cuff him, put him next to me.

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He's elated.
He's like, "I found my shadow!"

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[audience laughing]

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Fifteen minutes later,
Hutch comes running out,

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shirt around his neck like a cape,
both shoes in his hands.

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"I got my feet back!"

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This is the worst part,

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is they parade us through Disneyland

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on the back of a golf cart, handcuffed,
like we're the ride of "Youth Gone Wrong."

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[audience laughing]

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Hutch is yelling out
of the top of his lungs,

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"Fuck Mary Lou Retton!"

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"Fuck Mary Lou Retton!"
I go, "Why are you saying that?"

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He goes,
"Don't know. When I say it, they look."

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Harper's crying. I go,
"What the fuck are you crying about?"

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He's like,
"They're gonna rape me in Disney jail!"

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I was like, "Harper, it's Disney jail.
I think you're fine."

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They raped him.

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[audience laughing]

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We did too. It's prison, you know?

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That's the…
You can't make… Those jokes are…

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It was funny in 19…

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[audience laughing]

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[Bert laughing hysterically]

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Thank God I didn't do my Black joke.
All right, let's do it.

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[audience laughing]

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So, this is… remember, remember,
1999 was a different time! Okay.

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This is a true story.

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[laughing hysterically] So one time,
me and a-- a comedian got on a train

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in Manhattan.

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This is a true story!
I'm sweating right now.

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[audience laughing]

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And we get on…

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The comedian's white.
His name's Dmitri Martin.

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This is a true story!

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He's white. He's very white.
He's Greek. He's like the original white.

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And so…

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we get on a train.
And as we step on a train going Uptown,

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we realize
we are the only white guys on the train.

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There are 70 Black dudes
all on this train.

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And I freeze. I'm like, "Whoa."

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Dmitri's like, "What are you doing?"

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I go,
"We're not going where they're going."

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He goes, "What are you talking about?"

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I go, "They're going somewhere
we're not supposed to be going."

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And he looks at me.
He goes, "You sound racist."

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I go, "Maybe, but I wanna be alive,
so I'm gonna step off."

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And he goes,
"Hey, stop being such a fucking dickhead."

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So we sit down.

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The second we sit down,

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seventy Black dudes
are just silent, staring at us.

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I can feel it.
So I go, "Fuck it. I'm getting off."

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He goes, "Do not get off."

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I go, "Get off with me."
He goes, "No. I'm not a racist."

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"I'm staying on the train."

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I go, "Okay, good luck."

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Train doors open, I get off the train,

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and before it takes off,
I stick my head back in the subway and go,

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"Dmitri! I'll see you at the rally
on Thursday! White power, brother!"

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[audience laughing]

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His eyes lit up, doors closed,
and I hear a Black guy go,

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"Run, Forrest!"

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[audience laughing]

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That was the set.

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-[audience cheering and applauding]
-That was the set.

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I got passed,
and then I got to open for Drew Carey

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every Wednesday night.

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I got done, I walked over there,
and Budd Friedman…

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if you never got to meet him,
he's a very fascinating dude…

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with a glass of champagne and his monocle,
he goes, "Very funny. Very funny."

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And he said, "Wednesday nights,
you'll open for Drew Carey's, uh,

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Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

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And I went, "For real?"

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He goes, "You gotta keep it clean."
I was like,

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"Did you not see what I just did?"

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[audience laughing]

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And he goes, "Can you not work clean?"
And I go, "No, I can work clean."

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And my opening joke for Drew Carey was…

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[laughing silently]

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"I went to a party the other day…"

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Wait, how did it…

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Uh, "And this girl…"

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Oh, I said to the girl. It was--
I won't tell you who it really was.

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I'll tell you after. I can't say it.
I might get in trouble.

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I went to a really high-end
Hollywood party. I'd gone that weekend.

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And I said to the girl,
"Where's your bathroom at?"

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And she goes, "'At'?"

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I said, "Yeah, where's your bathroom at?"

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And she goes, "'At? Where's it at?'"

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And she looked at somebody,
and she goes, "Stay in school, kids."

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And I was like, "Oh."

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And so I went into her bathroom,
and I put her toothbrush on my balls.

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[audience laughing]

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I said, "This is some advice."

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"Ladies, if you ever throw a party,
be nice to everyone that shows up."

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"'Cause all your shit is there,
and I brought my balls." [laughing]

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[audience laughing]

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And Drew Carey loved it,
and Budd loved it.

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This place has been like a home to me.

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Happy birthday, Improv!

240
00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:34,443
Sixty fucking years. Thank you so much.

241
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,570
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-God bless!

242
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:38,656
[chill music playing]

243
00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:49,125
Thank you!

244
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,210
Thanks, man.

245
00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:53,170
I just came here from New York,

246
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:57,216
and, uh, my last, uh, my last day
in New York was kinda weird.

247
00:11:57,299 --> 00:11:59,468
I had a cab driver acting peculiar.

248
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:01,178
We were driving along,
me and a cab driver,

249
00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:02,763
and he killed a dog on the way.

250
00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:05,391
He didn't hit the dog with the car.
He got out and stabbed the dog.

251
00:12:05,474 --> 00:12:07,309
-He…
-[audience laughing]

252
00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:10,146
He, uh, he hacked it apart, and, uh…

253
00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:14,692
The first thing I thought was, "No tip."
Ya know? I'm not gonna tip this guy.

254
00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:16,068
Ya know?

255
00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:18,612
Not 'cause he killed a dog,
'cause 30 cents clicked on the meter

256
00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:20,239
while he was doing it, ya know?

257
00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:21,907
I don't got that kind of bread right now.

258
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:24,118
Don't have that kind of money.
You know, not yet.

259
00:12:24,618 --> 00:12:27,705
Girls, I don't like…
Good-looking girls kind of intimidate me.

260
00:12:27,788 --> 00:12:28,873
Get nervous talking to them.

261
00:12:28,956 --> 00:12:31,417
I saw this cute girl on the street today
with my friend. I said,

262
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,586
"Wish I could ask her out,
but don't know what to say."

263
00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:36,005
My friend said, "Ask her out.
The worst she could say is no."

264
00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:39,008
So I asked her out, and she said,
"Get away from me, you loser."

265
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:41,260
[audience laughing]

266
00:12:41,343 --> 00:12:44,054
I was like, "I think you
broke the rules there, hon."

267
00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:46,348
-[audience laughing]
-Yeah. "Loser."

268
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:47,933
[chill music playing]

269
00:12:52,229 --> 00:12:55,483
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Deon Cole!

270
00:12:55,566 --> 00:12:59,153
[audience cheering and applauding]

271
00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:10,206
Thank you.

272
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:16,253
Uh, the only issue is
I only wrote Black material.

273
00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:18,339
[audience laughing]

274
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:22,593
Didn't… Didn't know
all you guys were coming out tonight.

275
00:13:22,676 --> 00:13:24,345
[audience laughing]

276
00:13:29,266 --> 00:13:32,144
They said this was
Chocolate Improv Night tonight.

277
00:13:34,438 --> 00:13:38,025
It's all I got, so, uh,
yeah, just sit there and take that shit.

278
00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:40,110
[audience laughing]

279
00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:43,906
So I was eating dinner
with these white devils last week…

280
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:45,991
[audience laughing]

281
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:50,454
Whatever happened to the albinos?

282
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:53,415
[audience laughing]

283
00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:58,170
-I don't see them no more.
-[audience laughing]

284
00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:00,214
I used to see one like every six months,

285
00:14:00,297 --> 00:14:01,715
but I don't see them no more.

286
00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:07,054
Man, I used to look forward
to seeing them.

287
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:10,432
Every time I saw one, I'd make a wish.

288
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,059
[audience laughing]

289
00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:15,813
This white guy told me
I need to start eating free-range chicken.

290
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:16,939
I was like, "What's that?"

291
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:19,400
He was all, "Oh, it's these
comfortable, care-free chickens,

292
00:14:19,483 --> 00:14:22,903
and they roam around freely,
and they die in a humane way."

293
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:24,446
"You're gonna love them."

294
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:27,992
I went and priced them motherfuckers.
Them bitches expensive as shit.

295
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:32,079
I was like, "Nah, I'm gonna keep eating
these overwhelmed chickens."

296
00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:33,956
[audience laughing]

297
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,876
These stressed-out, anxiety chickens.

298
00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:41,297
Y'all be out in public
with your wife, husband,

299
00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:42,756
boyfriend, girlfriend,

300
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,134
you see somebody
sexier than a motherfucker.

301
00:14:45,217 --> 00:14:48,596
You ever think to yourself,
"I should've been patient"?

302
00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:50,180
[audience laughing]

303
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:53,559
See a lot of y'all
can't laugh at that right now.

304
00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:55,644
[audience laughing]

305
00:14:57,396 --> 00:15:00,566
If you're a tough guy, don't ask
to take a picture with me after the show.

306
00:15:00,649 --> 00:15:03,235
Tough guys never smile in a photo.

307
00:15:04,361 --> 00:15:07,448
I was doing this show one night,
and these guys came up there,

308
00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:09,825
"Hey, motherfucker,
get over here and take a picture."

309
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,536
I'm like, "Calm down.
You're being so aggressive and shit."

310
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:15,331
I get in the picture.
Everybody in the picture like this.

311
00:15:16,790 --> 00:15:18,292
[audience laughing]

312
00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:20,544
I'm the only motherfucker
in the photo like…

313
00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:21,795
[audience laughing]

314
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:27,092
They let me see the picture.
I was like, "Fuck."

315
00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:30,012
"Could've told me
y'all wasn't gonna smile in this shit.'

316
00:15:30,512 --> 00:15:33,766
Now it look like
I wanted a picture with y'all.

317
00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:35,851
[audience laughing]

318
00:15:42,149 --> 00:15:44,818
I don't even
know you niggas like that, dude.

319
00:15:45,819 --> 00:15:48,405
You know what
the next best feeling is, next to sex?

320
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:50,324
Cleaning your ears with a Q-tip.

321
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:52,910
[audience laughing and applauding]

322
00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:55,204
That's my shit.

323
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:59,333
You get deep in there,
like… [moaning in pleasure]

324
00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:04,004
Are you supposed to say grace
over leftovers?

325
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,173
[audience laughing]

326
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:11,220
'Cause I prayed over it
when I first cooked it, and…

327
00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:15,057
I'm not petty like that,
to keep bothering Jesus for no reason.

328
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:16,517
[audience laughing]

329
00:16:17,434 --> 00:16:19,979
Excuse me, Lord.
It's me with this fish again. Uh…

330
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:21,063
[audience laughing]

331
00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:26,235
Thank you for that laugh, ma'am.
I appreciate it.

332
00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:28,112
[audience laughing]

333
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:30,531
I'm glad you're all
laughing at these jokes too,

334
00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:33,075
'cause comedians be hurt
when people don't laugh at their jokes.

335
00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:34,076
It make us sad.

336
00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:36,537
And you can tell
when our jokes don't work too.

337
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:38,247
It really hurt us and stuff.

338
00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:40,958
And after the show,
if you see two comedians together

339
00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:42,459
and one did good, and one didn't,

340
00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:45,212
speak to both of them,
or don't say shit at all.

341
00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:47,297
[audience laughing]

342
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:57,891
'Cause that comedian that didn't do good,
he's on a fucking whirlwind of just…

343
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,352
hatin' and hatin' himself.

344
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,272
Riding home, all the way home, no radio.

345
00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:05,357
-Just…
-[audience laughing]

346
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,402
Windshield wipers, no rain. Just…

347
00:17:08,485 --> 00:17:10,320
[audience laughing]

348
00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:12,156
"Where did I go wrong?"

349
00:17:14,616 --> 00:17:16,785
But y'all do that after every show.

350
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:17,953
Like, look, here--

351
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,247
Here's the comedian that did good.

352
00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:22,332
Here's the comedian that didn't do good.

353
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:24,126
This is what you all do after every show.

354
00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:25,294
"Excuse me."

355
00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:28,297
"Boy, you was funnier
than a motherfucker tonight."

356
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:32,468
"Without you,
that whole show sucked dick."

357
00:17:32,551 --> 00:17:36,013
"You should've headlined that shit.
Ah, you was funnier than a motherfucker!"

358
00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:37,848
"Can I get a picture? My man."

359
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,684
"Can you take this picture of us?"

360
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:42,770
[audience laughing]

361
00:17:47,524 --> 00:17:49,735
You can tell
when a comic joke ain't working.

362
00:17:49,818 --> 00:17:53,197
He'll be like,
"Yeah, shit is crazy out here."

363
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:54,907
"It's wild and shit, you know."

364
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:57,701
When you hear that,
that mean a comedian joke don't work.

365
00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:59,620
Black or white, you know?

366
00:17:59,703 --> 00:18:00,621
You hear that.

367
00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:04,583
Or they say, "Give it up for the ladies.
They look so beautiful."

368
00:18:04,666 --> 00:18:06,376
All this bullshit. They just…

369
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,089
They'll say that shit
'cause their jokes ain't workin'.

370
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:13,759
Make you give it up
for all kind of obvious shit.

371
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:18,764
"Who woke up this morning?"
Bitch, we all woke up this morning.

372
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,934
Make me waste my claps, motherfucker.

373
00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:23,185
[audience laughing]

374
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:28,690
You ever see a comedian get to
his punchline, the punchline don't work?

375
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:31,318
Like, "Told her to knock on the door.
She gonna ring the doorbell."

376
00:18:31,401 --> 00:18:33,278
"I'm like,
'What she ring the doorbell for?'"

377
00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:35,989
[forced laughter]

378
00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:37,241
[chuckles uncomfortably]

379
00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:40,577
"Uh, shit is crazy out here,
that's what…" [voice fades into mumbling]

380
00:18:42,621 --> 00:18:45,666
"Give it up for the ladies."

381
00:18:45,749 --> 00:18:49,044
Happy anniversary, Improv! We love you!

382
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:51,213
-Yeah!
-[audience cheering and applauding]

383
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:53,298
[chill music playing]

384
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,384
[announcer]
Let's hear it for Sarah Silverman.

385
00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:56,301
Sarah!

386
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:58,178
[audience cheering and applauding]

387
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:05,060
Hey! How ya doin'? Thank you.

388
00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:07,229
Stop.

389
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:10,649
Thank you very much.
It's really nice to be here.

390
00:19:10,732 --> 00:19:13,569
You know, I was just back East
'cause my sister got married,

391
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:17,030
and it was really neat. You know,
they took each other's last names.

392
00:19:17,114 --> 00:19:18,615
They hyphenated it, you know?

393
00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:22,286
So now my sister's name
is Susan Silverman-Abramowitz.

394
00:19:22,369 --> 00:19:23,370
[audience chuckling]

395
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:26,915
Yeah, but they're thinking
of shortening it to just "Jews."

396
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,042
[audience laughing]

397
00:19:29,126 --> 00:19:32,212
Oh, good, the Jews.
They're good people. I like them.

398
00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:33,922
So I was home, and I saw my dad.

399
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,466
I feel really bad, you know,
'cause when I was 14,

400
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:39,261
I went out with my father's best friend.

401
00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:42,139
And, uh, yeah,
that's embarrassing, you know?

402
00:19:42,222 --> 00:19:45,309
My father having
a 14-year-old best friend.

403
00:19:45,392 --> 00:19:47,394
[audience laughing]

404
00:19:48,228 --> 00:19:49,229
What a loser.

405
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:51,607
[chill music playing]

406
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:58,155
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Fortune Feimster!

407
00:19:58,238 --> 00:20:02,159
[audience cheering and applauding]

408
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:05,996
Yeah.

409
00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:12,252
What's up, you guys?

410
00:20:13,128 --> 00:20:14,338
Yeah, this is fun.

411
00:20:14,421 --> 00:20:17,341
Listen, I know.
I'm way better-looking in person.

412
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:18,425
Ahh!

413
00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:20,052
Welcome!

414
00:20:20,135 --> 00:20:23,472
Sixty years of the legendary Improv.

415
00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:25,390
How cool is that, right?

416
00:20:25,474 --> 00:20:26,808
[audience cheering]

417
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:27,726
Yes!

418
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:33,398
Best chicken tenders in the biz.

419
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,193
You guys ever had 'em? They're good.

420
00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:37,194
Yeah, you had 'em?

421
00:20:37,277 --> 00:20:40,113
Are you a barbecue or ranch kinda gal?

422
00:20:40,989 --> 00:20:42,658
Anybody can answer.

423
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:44,576
[audience laughing]

424
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:45,494
[woman] Ranch!

425
00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:47,204
"Ranch!" [chuckles]

426
00:20:47,287 --> 00:20:49,289
Nobody can just say…
[in dignified accent] "Ranch."

427
00:20:49,373 --> 00:20:50,874
[in hillbilly accent] "Ranch!"

428
00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:53,418
I'm a dressing-on-the-side kinda gal.

429
00:20:53,502 --> 00:20:55,087
No, um… [laughing]

430
00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:58,465
Listen, my accent gets a lot thicker
when I go home.

431
00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:01,301
I, uh, I recently went home
to visit my parents

432
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,845
in my hometown of North Carolina,

433
00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:07,516
and-- Yeah! Shoutout, North Carolina.

434
00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:11,353
Now I don't know about you guys,
but when you go home to your hometown

435
00:21:11,436 --> 00:21:13,355
to hang out with your parents, um,

436
00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:16,566
I know for myself,
I immediately revert into a 15-year-old.

437
00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:17,484
Right away.

438
00:21:18,777 --> 00:21:20,821
I consider myself independent, you know.

439
00:21:20,904 --> 00:21:23,991
I run a business,
I'm married, I travel the world…

440
00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:28,161
But 30 minutes at home,
I cannot function as an adult.

441
00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:30,080
Cannot do this.

442
00:21:30,163 --> 00:21:30,998
For instance,

443
00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:34,876
I could rent a car when I go home, right?

444
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,420
I have a credit card.

445
00:21:37,254 --> 00:21:38,797
I just turned 25.

446
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,841
-No.
-[audience laughing]

447
00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:42,801
You laughed way too hard at that.

448
00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:46,054
But my mom insists
on driving me everywhere,

449
00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:47,973
and, uh, I'm like, "Fine, whatever."

450
00:21:48,056 --> 00:21:49,558
I sit in the back to mess with her.

451
00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:51,601
[audience laughing]

452
00:21:51,685 --> 00:21:56,857
I also have my taste buds
revert back to when I was a teenager.

453
00:21:57,399 --> 00:22:01,445
Um, I immediately just want biscuits.

454
00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:05,157
Those just fried gluten balls, baby.

455
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,408
Give 'em to me.

456
00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:09,578
And my body just instinctively knows,

457
00:22:09,661 --> 00:22:13,248
uh, that breakfast at Hardee's
ends at 10:30.

458
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:14,750
Like, I just know this.

459
00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:16,126
[audience laughing]

460
00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:19,338
Do you guys know what Hardee's is?
Have you heard of Hardee's?

461
00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:20,380
[audience cheering]

462
00:22:21,131 --> 00:22:23,008
For those of you
who don't know what Hardee's is,

463
00:22:23,091 --> 00:22:25,719
it's a fast-food chain,
it's owned by Carl's Jr.,

464
00:22:25,802 --> 00:22:27,262
uh, very similar vibes,

465
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:30,932
except Hardee's is known
for their breakfast biscuits.

466
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:32,142
Very tasty stuff.

467
00:22:32,225 --> 00:22:34,311
Now, I would have to fact-check this…

468
00:22:34,394 --> 00:22:37,022
I think that Hardee's, uh, is called that

469
00:22:37,105 --> 00:22:40,067
because it can clog your heart
and your arteries.

470
00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:42,152
[audience laughing]

471
00:22:43,278 --> 00:22:44,446
Don't quote me.

472
00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:48,909
But I was home, uh, recently,

473
00:22:48,992 --> 00:22:52,412
and I overslept,
uh, 'cause my mom didn't wake me up.

474
00:22:52,496 --> 00:22:54,289
[audience laughing]

475
00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:57,167
And I woke up,
and I went, "I need some biscuits!"

476
00:22:57,751 --> 00:22:59,669
And I looked at my clock,
and it was 10:15.

477
00:22:59,753 --> 00:23:02,798
I was like, "Oh my God.
Oh my God. Breakfast ends at 10:30."

478
00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:05,717
So I go, "Mom, Mom, Mom! Mom, Mom!"

479
00:23:05,801 --> 00:23:08,720
"Mom, I gotta borrow your car!
Mom, I gotta go get some biscuits!"

480
00:23:08,804 --> 00:23:11,181
And she goes,
"Well, my car's in the driveway,

481
00:23:11,264 --> 00:23:13,433
and it's already running." And I said,

482
00:23:13,517 --> 00:23:16,103
"Why is your car in the driveway
and it's already running?"

483
00:23:16,186 --> 00:23:18,355
She goes,
"It's been running for the last hour."

484
00:23:18,438 --> 00:23:20,232
"Uh, I drove it this morning,

485
00:23:20,315 --> 00:23:24,319
and I realized that if I turned
the car off, it might not turn back on."

486
00:23:25,529 --> 00:23:30,409
"So I just left it running in the driveway
for an hour just in case we needed it."

487
00:23:30,992 --> 00:23:33,954
I said, "I don't have time
to get into the nuts and bolts of this."

488
00:23:34,037 --> 00:23:35,705
[audience laughing]

489
00:23:35,789 --> 00:23:37,999
"You could've taken it
to a service station."

490
00:23:38,625 --> 00:23:40,752
"But I gotta go get some biscuits."

491
00:23:41,336 --> 00:23:45,590
So I threw on my flannel,
and I got in my car,

492
00:23:45,674 --> 00:23:47,467
uh, my mom's car,

493
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,886
and I drove across town to the Hardee's.

494
00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:52,222
Now, by the time I get there, it's 10:22,

495
00:23:52,305 --> 00:23:54,599
and there is a line in the drive-through
to the street.

496
00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:56,601
I'm like,
"Oh my God! Everybody wants biscuits!"

497
00:23:57,352 --> 00:23:59,396
[exhales in distress]
So I'm panicked, and I--

498
00:23:59,479 --> 00:24:02,315
Normally, I would just
pull into a parking space

499
00:24:02,399 --> 00:24:03,900
and run in and get those biscuits,

500
00:24:03,984 --> 00:24:06,361
but I'll remind you
that if I turn this car off…

501
00:24:06,445 --> 00:24:08,029
[audience laughing]

502
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:10,282
…it might not turn back on.

503
00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:13,994
And there ain't no Ubers
in this tiny-ass town.

504
00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:17,706
So I'm waiting in line, I'm like,
"Come on, come on, come on."

505
00:24:17,789 --> 00:24:22,544
Finally, 10:28, I get up to the speaker,
and I just yell, "Biscuits!"

506
00:24:22,627 --> 00:24:23,795
[audience laughing]

507
00:24:23,879 --> 00:24:27,132
You don't have to specify when
you're from a small town in the South.

508
00:24:27,215 --> 00:24:28,467
They just know what that means.

509
00:24:29,926 --> 00:24:32,596
So she accepted my order. I'm like, "Yes!"

510
00:24:32,679 --> 00:24:35,140
And then that car died.

511
00:24:35,223 --> 00:24:36,725
Dead as a door nail

512
00:24:36,808 --> 00:24:38,852
right there
in the middle of that drive-through line.

513
00:24:38,935 --> 00:24:41,062
I was like, "No, no, no, no, no."

514
00:24:41,146 --> 00:24:42,898
The woman said,
"No, you don't want biscuits?"

515
00:24:42,981 --> 00:24:45,984
I said, "No, no!
I want biscuits. I do want biscuits."

516
00:24:46,067 --> 00:24:49,821
"I'm in my mom's car,
and my mom's car just died,

517
00:24:49,905 --> 00:24:51,490
and I don't know what to do."

518
00:24:51,573 --> 00:24:53,492
And she goes,
"Okay, I'll cancel your order."

519
00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:56,036
I'm like, "No, no! Please!
Please don't cancel my order."

520
00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:59,456
"Just… can you keep them biscuits,
and can you put them up front?"

521
00:24:59,539 --> 00:25:02,334
"I'm gonna get rid of this car,
I'm gonna come in there,

522
00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:04,628
and I'm gonna get them biscuits."

523
00:25:04,711 --> 00:25:07,672
And she said, "You have two minutes."
I said, "Bitch!"

524
00:25:07,756 --> 00:25:09,758
[audience laughing]

525
00:25:10,967 --> 00:25:13,512
You don't got any leeway? Jesus.

526
00:25:15,013 --> 00:25:16,223
So I'm freaking out,

527
00:25:16,306 --> 00:25:18,517
I've got two minutes
to figure this all out.

528
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,435
And you can't walk
through a drive-through line.

529
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:23,396
-I've tried twice at midnight.
-[audience laughing]

530
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,565
After a couple of piña coladas,

531
00:25:25,649 --> 00:25:28,401
they do not want you
walking through that drive-through line.

532
00:25:29,027 --> 00:25:31,071
So I'm like,
"How am I gonna get rid of this car

533
00:25:31,154 --> 00:25:32,948
out of this drive-through line
in two minutes?"

534
00:25:33,031 --> 00:25:36,826
But you know how
a mom gets that mom strength

535
00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:39,329
when her baby's in trouble?

536
00:25:39,412 --> 00:25:42,832
And she's gotta, like,
lift up a bus to save her baby?

537
00:25:43,333 --> 00:25:45,460
Well, I got that mom strength.

538
00:25:46,086 --> 00:25:49,005
But for me, my baby was biscuits.

539
00:25:49,673 --> 00:25:51,758
So I put the car in neutral, I got out,

540
00:25:51,841 --> 00:25:53,760
I got in between the car and the door,

541
00:25:53,843 --> 00:25:56,012
and I just start pushing this car, going…

542
00:25:56,096 --> 00:25:57,681
[loud effort grunt]

543
00:25:57,764 --> 00:25:59,391
Making that noise too.

544
00:25:59,474 --> 00:26:01,768
[loud effort grunt]

545
00:26:01,851 --> 00:26:04,396
Now, these two dudes behind me in a truck,

546
00:26:04,479 --> 00:26:07,023
they get out of their truck
to come help me.

547
00:26:07,107 --> 00:26:09,818
All they see is me from behind
and my broad shoulders,

548
00:26:09,901 --> 00:26:11,820
and they go, "Oh, he's got it."

549
00:26:11,903 --> 00:26:14,072
[audience laughing]

550
00:26:14,155 --> 00:26:16,366
And then they get back in their truck.

551
00:26:16,449 --> 00:26:18,910
So I'm T. rexing this car.

552
00:26:18,994 --> 00:26:20,996
-[audience laughing]
-[effort grunts]

553
00:26:22,205 --> 00:26:23,582
I'm sweating my tits off,

554
00:26:23,665 --> 00:26:27,043
which is probably why
it was very confusing for those guys.

555
00:26:27,836 --> 00:26:29,045
[effort grunt]

556
00:26:29,129 --> 00:26:33,133
Now, there's a row of parking spaces
right across the way,

557
00:26:33,216 --> 00:26:35,635
so I just give the car one last… [grunts]

558
00:26:35,719 --> 00:26:38,847
Car starts rolling
towards these parking spots.

559
00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:41,182
I'm pivoting into a sprint,

560
00:26:41,266 --> 00:26:42,976
or at least I think I'm sprinting.

561
00:26:43,059 --> 00:26:44,477
[audience laughing]

562
00:26:44,561 --> 00:26:46,938
Thirty seconds left,
I can taste these biscuits.

563
00:26:47,022 --> 00:26:50,191
It's like the Southern Olympics
happening right now.

564
00:26:50,275 --> 00:26:52,110
And then all of a sudden,
I hear this boom.

565
00:26:52,861 --> 00:26:54,112
I look up,

566
00:26:54,195 --> 00:26:58,033
and everyone at the Hardee's
has dropped their French toast sticks,

567
00:26:58,116 --> 00:26:59,909
and they're staring at me,

568
00:26:59,993 --> 00:27:01,411
and whatever's behind me…

569
00:27:02,412 --> 00:27:03,830
So I turn around and look.

570
00:27:03,913 --> 00:27:07,167
I had pushed this car so hard,

571
00:27:07,250 --> 00:27:09,461
that it rolled through the parking space,

572
00:27:09,544 --> 00:27:12,464
over an embankment, into a ravine.

573
00:27:12,547 --> 00:27:13,882
[audience laughing]

574
00:27:13,965 --> 00:27:16,551
The hood of the car crashed into a ravine,

575
00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:19,554
the smoke's billowing out
of the freakin' engine,

576
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:21,681
the alarm's going off,
the trunk popped open.

577
00:27:21,765 --> 00:27:24,768
I'm like, "Oh my God!"

578
00:27:26,227 --> 00:27:28,229
"Biscuits!"

579
00:27:28,897 --> 00:27:31,483
I ran in there, got those biscuits.

580
00:27:31,566 --> 00:27:35,445
'Cause if I'm gonna wait for a tow truck,
I'm gonna at least be full.

581
00:27:35,528 --> 00:27:37,155
[audience laughing]

582
00:27:37,238 --> 00:27:38,531
And I called my mom,

583
00:27:39,157 --> 00:27:40,617
I told her what happened,

584
00:27:40,700 --> 00:27:43,161
and she told me I was grounded.

585
00:27:43,244 --> 00:27:45,038
-Uh…
-[audience laughing]

586
00:27:45,121 --> 00:27:46,831
But I got them biscuits, baby.

587
00:27:46,915 --> 00:27:49,876
All right. Thank you, guys,
so much, for having me.

588
00:27:49,959 --> 00:27:53,046
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-Congratulations to The Improv.

589
00:27:53,129 --> 00:27:55,924
Sixty amazing years.

590
00:27:56,007 --> 00:27:59,052
[announcer] Let's have a nice hand
for Ray Romano.

591
00:27:59,135 --> 00:28:01,054
[audience cheering and applauding]

592
00:28:05,433 --> 00:28:06,559
Thank you.

593
00:28:06,643 --> 00:28:07,519
Thanks.

594
00:28:08,978 --> 00:28:11,439
My wife wants me to buy her a gift now.

595
00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:14,734
She's, uh… it's her birthday.
She's afraid she's getting old.

596
00:28:14,818 --> 00:28:16,653
I try to tell her it's all relative.

597
00:28:17,195 --> 00:28:19,531
The mayflower lives for how long?
Anybody know?

598
00:28:19,614 --> 00:28:22,283
The mayflower lives for a day.
24 hours. Imagine that.

599
00:28:22,367 --> 00:28:23,576
Imagine living one day.

600
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:27,747
Imagine that at lunchtime,
you're having a midlife crisis already.

601
00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:30,500
Yeah. Aw, and if you died before noon,
it's a tragedy.

602
00:28:30,583 --> 00:28:33,044
"Oh, he has his whole day ahead of him."

603
00:28:33,128 --> 00:28:34,003
"Oh…"

604
00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:35,338
[audience laughing]

605
00:28:36,715 --> 00:28:39,968
You know what they do for one day?
You know what the mayflower's purpose is?

606
00:28:40,051 --> 00:28:41,428
It's to reproduce. Imagine that.

607
00:28:41,511 --> 00:28:44,139
I mean, if you have to live for one day,
that's the day, right there.

608
00:28:44,931 --> 00:28:46,808
Hell, I wouldn't--
Even if I was a mayflower,

609
00:28:46,891 --> 00:28:49,060
I wouldn't be able to have sex. I know it.

610
00:28:49,144 --> 00:28:53,148
It'd be the--
They'd find some turn-downs for me.

611
00:28:53,231 --> 00:28:55,567
"Oh, tomorrow. Tomorrow…"
[voice fades out]

612
00:28:55,650 --> 00:28:57,360
[audience laughing]

613
00:28:57,444 --> 00:28:59,863
[audience cheering]

614
00:29:02,115 --> 00:29:05,243
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Mark Normand!

615
00:29:05,326 --> 00:29:08,496
[audience cheering and applauding]

616
00:29:12,625 --> 00:29:13,460
Hey.

617
00:29:14,669 --> 00:29:16,880
All right. Comedy, huh?

618
00:29:17,756 --> 00:29:19,466
Yeah. We're really doin' it.

619
00:29:20,049 --> 00:29:22,260
Sorry, I'm a little hungover.
Not gonna lie to you guys.

620
00:29:22,343 --> 00:29:23,178
I gotta cut back.

621
00:29:23,261 --> 00:29:25,138
Went out with a friend last night,
a beer expert.

622
00:29:25,221 --> 00:29:27,557
You know these guys, like,
"We gotta go to a brewery."

623
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:29,100
I'm like, "Why can't we go to a bar?"

624
00:29:29,184 --> 00:29:31,102
He's like,
"It's fun. You can see how it's made."

625
00:29:31,186 --> 00:29:32,604
I don't care how it's made.

626
00:29:32,687 --> 00:29:34,105
[audience laughing]

627
00:29:34,189 --> 00:29:37,066
Look, I like porn.
I don't need to go to a broken home.

628
00:29:37,776 --> 00:29:39,778
-Ha.
-[audience laughing]

629
00:29:42,614 --> 00:29:45,116
No. Not saying all porns
aren't broken homes,

630
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,202
just the ones I like. All right.

631
00:29:47,285 --> 00:29:48,787
-[audience laughing]
-Um…

632
00:29:49,537 --> 00:29:51,998
Yeah. I gotta cut back
on the booze, you know?

633
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:55,335
I actually got let go from a job once
for being "drunk at work."

634
00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:59,380
Yeah. My boss is like, "Get in here.
You're a high-functioning alcoholic."

635
00:29:59,464 --> 00:30:02,342
I was like, "Jeez.
How'd he know I was also high?" Ha ha.

636
00:30:02,425 --> 00:30:04,219
[audience laughing]

637
00:30:04,302 --> 00:30:07,263
But I was out with my friend.
He's a-- He's a gay fella.

638
00:30:07,347 --> 00:30:09,641
Yep. We got any gay guys here?

639
00:30:09,724 --> 00:30:11,351
-[man whoops]
-Hey, all right!

640
00:30:11,434 --> 00:30:13,019
Thanks for "comin' out."

641
00:30:13,102 --> 00:30:14,687
-Um, okay.
-[audience laughing]

642
00:30:15,605 --> 00:30:17,440
Um, good to have you there.

643
00:30:18,107 --> 00:30:19,025
Um…

644
00:30:20,151 --> 00:30:20,985
Yeah.

645
00:30:21,694 --> 00:30:23,780
My buddy, he's wild, you know? He's fun.

646
00:30:23,863 --> 00:30:27,408
He loves straight dudes. That's his thing.
He's like, "I love flipping a hetero."

647
00:30:27,492 --> 00:30:29,786
He's like, "You know hard it is
to go out every night,

648
00:30:29,869 --> 00:30:32,497
see people you wanna have sex with
who don't wanna have sex with you?

649
00:30:33,122 --> 00:30:35,625
I was like, "That's exactly what it's like
being a straight guy."

650
00:30:35,708 --> 00:30:37,252
-Ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

651
00:30:37,335 --> 00:30:38,878
"What the hell are you talking about?"

652
00:30:39,879 --> 00:30:41,923
"I'd argue it's as hard for me
to sleep with a woman

653
00:30:42,006 --> 00:30:44,801
as it is for you to flip a hetero."
He was like, "No, you have no idea."

654
00:30:44,884 --> 00:30:46,678
"Gotta taken 'em out for hours,
convince them."

655
00:30:47,387 --> 00:30:49,514
"Yeah, yeah. Same here." Ha.

656
00:30:49,597 --> 00:30:53,184
He's like, "No, even if you do
pull it off, which is like a miracle,

657
00:30:53,268 --> 00:30:54,602
they feel horrible after."

658
00:30:54,686 --> 00:30:56,688
"Yeah, yeah. Same shit." Ha.

659
00:30:56,771 --> 00:30:58,022
[audience laughing]

660
00:30:58,106 --> 00:31:00,066
We went back and forth for hours.
Back and forth.

661
00:31:00,149 --> 00:31:02,110
Eventually, I woke up at his place.

662
00:31:02,193 --> 00:31:04,612
-Ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

663
00:31:05,780 --> 00:31:06,781
I know.

664
00:31:07,824 --> 00:31:09,033
Still sore.

665
00:31:09,117 --> 00:31:11,119
Um, yeah.

666
00:31:12,745 --> 00:31:14,747
But, you know, big fan of the gays.

667
00:31:14,831 --> 00:31:16,833
You guys are the best. Uh…

668
00:31:16,916 --> 00:31:19,335
Great people. Positive, non-violent.

669
00:31:19,419 --> 00:31:21,254
You never meet any violent gay guys.

670
00:31:21,337 --> 00:31:23,590
There's no gay gangs.
That would just be a musical.

671
00:31:23,673 --> 00:31:24,841
Right? Yeah.

672
00:31:25,425 --> 00:31:26,467
Uh-huh.

673
00:31:27,510 --> 00:31:29,345
I'm not gay. Do like the ladies.

674
00:31:29,429 --> 00:31:31,639
Big fan of the old…
[clicks tongue] …labia.

675
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:32,557
Yeah.

676
00:31:33,433 --> 00:31:35,685
Majora and "minora" for the Jews.

677
00:31:35,768 --> 00:31:36,853
Yeah, yeah.

678
00:31:36,936 --> 00:31:37,770
All right.

679
00:31:38,646 --> 00:31:39,689
Okay.

680
00:31:39,772 --> 00:31:40,940
We got any Jews here?

681
00:31:41,024 --> 00:31:44,193
-[scattered cheers]
-Hey, all right. Too many.

682
00:31:44,277 --> 00:31:45,695
But, uh-- No, I'm kidding.

683
00:31:45,778 --> 00:31:46,863
[audience laughing]

684
00:31:46,946 --> 00:31:50,575
Just joking. My wife's Jewish.
Met her on that Jewish app, uh, PayPal.

685
00:31:50,658 --> 00:31:52,869
-But, you know… Okay.
-[audience laughing]

686
00:31:52,952 --> 00:31:54,454
All right. We're having fun.

687
00:31:55,371 --> 00:31:57,457
But, yeah, so many beautiful women in LA.
It's crazy.

688
00:31:57,540 --> 00:31:59,876
Ladies, you know how to look good.
You know all these tricks.

689
00:31:59,959 --> 00:32:02,712
That's how women figured out
to take the selfie up here.

690
00:32:02,795 --> 00:32:05,798
That was all you, ladies.
You know where your good sight lines are.

691
00:32:05,882 --> 00:32:07,467
I think that's why women like tall guys.

692
00:32:07,550 --> 00:32:10,678
Some guy looking at you
from your best angle 100% of the time,

693
00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:11,930
all day long.

694
00:32:12,597 --> 00:32:14,223
That's why you don't mess with short guys.

695
00:32:14,307 --> 00:32:16,643
Some guy like, "Jeez,
look at the triple chin on this broad."

696
00:32:16,726 --> 00:32:17,894
"Holy hell."

697
00:32:17,977 --> 00:32:19,020
[audience laughing]

698
00:32:19,103 --> 00:32:23,024
I'm glad I'm not single.
It's hard to talk to ladies. That's scary.

699
00:32:23,107 --> 00:32:24,734
Ladies, hit on men more. Hit on us.

700
00:32:24,817 --> 00:32:26,486
You can say whatever you want to a guy.

701
00:32:26,569 --> 00:32:29,614
I had an older lady approach me once.
She goes, "Ooh, I'm gonna kidnap you."

702
00:32:29,697 --> 00:32:30,657
I was like…

703
00:32:30,740 --> 00:32:32,825
[audience laughing]

704
00:32:32,909 --> 00:32:35,370
I was like,
"Wow, I could never say that to a woman."

705
00:32:35,453 --> 00:32:37,246
-Ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

706
00:32:37,330 --> 00:32:40,959
I say that to a lady,
she calls the police, you know? Yeah.

707
00:32:42,043 --> 00:32:44,671
I'd be curious to know what
a woman could say that'd offend me.

708
00:32:44,754 --> 00:32:48,132
Like, "I'm gonna take you home,
I'm gonna drug you…

709
00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:50,885
take advantage of you, and film it."

710
00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:53,680
I'd be like,
"At least let me pay for the Uber." Ha ha.

711
00:32:53,763 --> 00:32:55,765
[audience laughing]

712
00:32:56,307 --> 00:32:57,392
Yeah.

713
00:32:57,475 --> 00:32:59,727
I'm just jealous of you gals.
You got options.

714
00:32:59,811 --> 00:33:01,187
You got the freedom to say no.

715
00:33:01,270 --> 00:33:02,939
Like, if a girl goes on a date with a guy,

716
00:33:03,022 --> 00:33:04,983
and this guy
takes out his Nazi memorabilia,

717
00:33:05,066 --> 00:33:07,443
she's like, "I gotta get
the hell out of here." Right?

718
00:33:07,527 --> 00:33:10,113
But if I go out with a girl
and she takes out her Nazi memorabilia,

719
00:33:10,196 --> 00:33:13,408
I'm like, "I gotta bang her
and get the hell out of here." Ha ha.

720
00:33:13,491 --> 00:33:15,159
-[audience laughing]
-Mmm.

721
00:33:17,286 --> 00:33:18,121
But, you know…

722
00:33:18,204 --> 00:33:19,706
Mentioned the height thing.

723
00:33:19,789 --> 00:33:23,126
I was never good on the apps
'cause women would ask how tall I was.

724
00:33:23,209 --> 00:33:26,671
You ladies are all
a bunch of height supremacists. You know?

725
00:33:26,754 --> 00:33:28,089
-[audience laughing]
-Yeah.

726
00:33:28,172 --> 00:33:30,216
"You over six feet? You over six feet?"

727
00:33:30,299 --> 00:33:33,219
I never knew what to say.
I was like, "Well, no, but, uh,

728
00:33:33,302 --> 00:33:34,971
I'm still growing as a person."

729
00:33:35,054 --> 00:33:36,639
-Ha ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

730
00:33:36,723 --> 00:33:37,557
You know?

731
00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:40,268
Yeah, that was a tough one.
Didn't know we get to ask physical stuff.

732
00:33:40,351 --> 00:33:44,022
I was like, "So, how much do you weigh?"
She was like, "Whoa, that's body-shaming."

733
00:33:44,105 --> 00:33:45,523
"It's hard for me to lose weight."

734
00:33:45,606 --> 00:33:47,650
It's like,
"Even harder for me to gain height."

735
00:33:47,734 --> 00:33:49,861
-You know.
-[audience laughing]

736
00:33:50,778 --> 00:33:52,864
Okay. Workin' on it.

737
00:33:52,947 --> 00:33:54,741
Oh, hey, all right. Yeah.

738
00:33:54,824 --> 00:33:57,410
Look at that. Little short guy love.

739
00:33:57,493 --> 00:33:58,953
There ya go, buddy.

740
00:33:59,454 --> 00:34:01,748
-What are you, 5'10"?
-[man in audience] Yeah.

741
00:34:01,831 --> 00:34:04,167
-Yeah, me too. All right.
-[audience laughing]

742
00:34:04,834 --> 00:34:06,044
I know my own.

743
00:34:06,127 --> 00:34:07,795
All right, yes.

744
00:34:07,879 --> 00:34:10,965
Cool. Hey, you guys are nice.
Lot of crowds very sensitive now.

745
00:34:11,049 --> 00:34:13,926
I had a guy yell at me once. He goes,
"Hey, buddy, that's a trigger word."

746
00:34:14,010 --> 00:34:16,345
I was like,
"Whoa. I think it's pronounced 'trigga.'"

747
00:34:16,429 --> 00:34:18,431
-But, you know.
-[audience laughing]

748
00:34:19,807 --> 00:34:20,641
Yeah.

749
00:34:21,142 --> 00:34:22,143
Oh yeah.

750
00:34:24,103 --> 00:34:24,937
Yep.

751
00:34:27,565 --> 00:34:30,234
You know, these are weird times.
People are tense.

752
00:34:30,318 --> 00:34:33,946
A lot of anger, a lot of hate groups.
White supremacists, all this stuff.

753
00:34:34,030 --> 00:34:36,532
It's weird you're allowed
to be hateful in America,

754
00:34:37,033 --> 00:34:38,326
as long as you're not specific.

755
00:34:38,409 --> 00:34:40,411
You know, if you're like,
"I hate Jewish people,"

756
00:34:40,495 --> 00:34:41,829
everybody's like, "What a bigot."

757
00:34:41,913 --> 00:34:44,999
But if you're like, "I hate people,"
everybody's like, "Tell me about it."

758
00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:47,168
-Ha ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

759
00:34:47,251 --> 00:34:48,086
Yeah.

760
00:34:49,128 --> 00:34:50,254
Yeah, times are tense.

761
00:34:50,338 --> 00:34:53,132
Saw one of those White Lives Matter
rallies go by my house the other day.

762
00:34:53,216 --> 00:34:56,219
I was like, "Oh jeez," then I realized,
"It's just a half-marathon."

763
00:34:56,302 --> 00:34:57,845
-Ha ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

764
00:34:59,388 --> 00:35:00,640
Whoo!

765
00:35:00,723 --> 00:35:02,892
[raucous laughter]

766
00:35:02,975 --> 00:35:03,976
Oh yeah.

767
00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:06,479
Tense times, you know.

768
00:35:06,562 --> 00:35:08,606
Everybody's very nervous
about racial stuff.

769
00:35:08,689 --> 00:35:10,483
I was talking to one guy
at my last day job,

770
00:35:10,566 --> 00:35:12,735
like, "What's the name
of that new guy on the 5th floor?"

771
00:35:12,819 --> 00:35:15,321
"The really tall Black guy?"
This guy goes, "Whoa."

772
00:35:15,404 --> 00:35:18,282
"I don't see color."
Like, "Really? You really just say that?"

773
00:35:19,367 --> 00:35:23,246
So I looked this guy right in the eye,
and I was like, "Hey, man, it's cool."

774
00:35:23,830 --> 00:35:25,123
"I'm Black."

775
00:35:25,206 --> 00:35:26,624
[audience laughing]

776
00:35:26,707 --> 00:35:29,794
And he was like, "No, you're not."
And I'm like, "Aha."

777
00:35:29,877 --> 00:35:31,629
-Ha ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

778
00:35:31,712 --> 00:35:32,547
Yes.

779
00:35:35,466 --> 00:35:37,593
You may not be racist, but you are a liar.

780
00:35:37,677 --> 00:35:39,679
-All right.
-[audience laughing]

781
00:35:40,179 --> 00:35:41,848
Everybody's touchy, you know.

782
00:35:42,515 --> 00:35:46,811
I was on the subway in New York recently,
watching an interracial couple make out.

783
00:35:46,894 --> 00:35:49,147
I was just staring at 'em, you know?

784
00:35:49,230 --> 00:35:50,606
[audience laughing]

785
00:35:50,690 --> 00:35:52,984
And this guy next to me was like,
"Hey, man, what the hell?"

786
00:35:53,067 --> 00:35:55,069
"What are you, staring at them?
Are you racist?"

787
00:35:55,153 --> 00:35:57,363
I was like, "What? I'm not racist."

788
00:35:57,446 --> 00:35:58,656
"I'm a creep."

789
00:35:58,739 --> 00:36:00,408
-Ha ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

790
00:36:00,491 --> 00:36:02,493
"What are you talking about?
I'm hard." You know?

791
00:36:02,577 --> 00:36:03,578
[audience laughing]

792
00:36:03,661 --> 00:36:06,330
Yeah. I'm not a racist,
I'm aroused. Ha ha.

793
00:36:06,414 --> 00:36:07,373
[audience laughing]

794
00:36:07,456 --> 00:36:09,667
I'm Kevin Hart. You guys are great.
Have a good night.

795
00:36:09,750 --> 00:36:11,043
Comedy, thank you!

796
00:36:11,711 --> 00:36:13,713
[chill music playing]

797
00:36:16,465 --> 00:36:18,926
[announcer] Welcome, David Spade!

798
00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:21,262
[audience cheering and applauding]

799
00:36:22,805 --> 00:36:25,474
So, I am from Arizona, and, uh…

800
00:36:25,558 --> 00:36:27,518
Thank you all.
I'll kick my own ass a little later.

801
00:36:27,602 --> 00:36:29,604
-[audience laughing]
-[Spade] Yikes.

802
00:36:30,104 --> 00:36:32,523
I moved out here last summer
to see my mom. She lives out here.

803
00:36:32,607 --> 00:36:35,902
I needed her to cut my steak up
in little tiny pieces so I could eat it.

804
00:36:35,985 --> 00:36:37,403
[audience laughing]

805
00:36:37,486 --> 00:36:39,697
I flew out here.
I tell ya, flying's kind of a drag.

806
00:36:39,780 --> 00:36:40,781
When you get on any plane,

807
00:36:40,865 --> 00:36:43,159
the stewardess will always tell you
the name of the pilot.

808
00:36:43,242 --> 00:36:45,453
You know,
like anyone goes, "Oh, he's good."

809
00:36:45,536 --> 00:36:47,205
[audience laughing]

810
00:36:47,288 --> 00:36:48,706
"I like his work."

811
00:36:49,874 --> 00:36:51,417
"He usually does the Midwest."

812
00:36:52,919 --> 00:36:54,879
So we land at LAX.
I've never been here before.

813
00:36:54,962 --> 00:36:57,465
Every terminal is taken
so we can't even park the plane.

814
00:36:57,548 --> 00:36:59,634
We're, like, taxiing around
for 20 minutes.

815
00:36:59,717 --> 00:37:01,802
Finally, we see this pilot,
and he's carrying his keys.

816
00:37:01,886 --> 00:37:03,888
We start following him around for a bit.

817
00:37:03,971 --> 00:37:05,223
[audience laughing]

818
00:37:05,306 --> 00:37:07,183
But he's just getting
something out of his plane,

819
00:37:07,266 --> 00:37:09,310
so we can't park there, you know.

820
00:37:09,393 --> 00:37:12,104
[chill music playing]

821
00:37:14,899 --> 00:37:18,527
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Anjelah Johnson-Reyes!

822
00:37:18,611 --> 00:37:21,530
[audience cheering and applauding]

823
00:37:28,496 --> 00:37:30,206
Hello.

824
00:37:31,123 --> 00:37:33,292
Oh, what a special night.

825
00:37:33,376 --> 00:37:36,170
It's so good to be here
at the Hollywood Improv,

826
00:37:36,254 --> 00:37:38,714
especially since
my husband and I just moved

827
00:37:38,798 --> 00:37:41,217
to Nashville, Tennessee.

828
00:37:42,385 --> 00:37:44,345
♪ It's different there ♪

829
00:37:44,428 --> 00:37:45,930
[audience laughing]

830
00:37:46,514 --> 00:37:49,392
Yeah. Being a California girl
living in the South,

831
00:37:49,475 --> 00:37:51,310
I've had a lot to learn.

832
00:37:51,394 --> 00:37:54,814
I learned when I go to a restaurant
and I order an iced tea,

833
00:37:54,897 --> 00:37:57,650
it automatically comes
with three pounds of sugar in it.

834
00:37:59,026 --> 00:38:00,861
They call it "sweet tea."

835
00:38:01,529 --> 00:38:03,698
We call it "diabe-tea."

836
00:38:03,781 --> 00:38:05,783
[audience laughing]

837
00:38:05,866 --> 00:38:07,410
It's delicious.

838
00:38:08,703 --> 00:38:10,663
Little things are different.

839
00:38:10,746 --> 00:38:12,623
Like when I'm in LA, if I go to a store

840
00:38:12,707 --> 00:38:14,583
and they're like,
"Can I help you find anything?"

841
00:38:14,667 --> 00:38:15,793
I'm like, "I'm okay."

842
00:38:15,876 --> 00:38:19,463
And if I'm feeling really friendly
that day, I'm like, "I'm okay, thanks."

843
00:38:19,547 --> 00:38:20,881
[audience laughing]

844
00:38:20,965 --> 00:38:22,383
That's it. That's where it ends.

845
00:38:22,466 --> 00:38:23,676
Then I get to Nashville,

846
00:38:23,759 --> 00:38:25,636
I'm at TJ Maxx one day.

847
00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:27,972
I can hear the ladies
in the row next to me.

848
00:38:28,055 --> 00:38:30,391
[in Southern accent]
"Can I help you find anything?"

849
00:38:30,474 --> 00:38:35,730
"I'm all right,
but thank you so much for askin'."

850
00:38:35,813 --> 00:38:39,400
"It's my pleasure.
It's a beautiful day outside."

851
00:38:39,483 --> 00:38:42,653
"Yes, it is. But they say
it's gonna rain by three o'clock."

852
00:38:42,737 --> 00:38:45,281
"Make sure you get home
before the traffic. It's gonna be a mess."

853
00:38:45,364 --> 00:38:48,492
"Bless your heart!"

854
00:38:48,576 --> 00:38:49,952
[audience laughing]

855
00:38:50,036 --> 00:38:51,412
[in normal voice] I was like, "Ooh.

856
00:38:51,495 --> 00:38:53,497
"I don't know if I have
energy for the South."

857
00:38:53,581 --> 00:38:55,041
[audience laughing]

858
00:38:55,750 --> 00:38:57,460
I don't know how to do it.

859
00:38:57,543 --> 00:39:00,171
Like, who stops talking first? Me or you?

860
00:39:00,963 --> 00:39:04,383
And then I look in the row next to me.
Neither one of 'em even work there.

861
00:39:04,467 --> 00:39:07,511
[audience laughing]

862
00:39:08,721 --> 00:39:12,266
Another thing I've noticed living
in the South is the bugs are bigger.

863
00:39:13,642 --> 00:39:14,477
Yeah.

864
00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:17,438
Like, in California,
we have bugs, but our bugs are cute.

865
00:39:17,521 --> 00:39:19,774
[audience laughing]

866
00:39:19,857 --> 00:39:21,525
Then I get to Nashville.

867
00:39:21,609 --> 00:39:23,569
I went to get in my shower one morning,

868
00:39:23,652 --> 00:39:25,780
there was a spider in my shower.

869
00:39:25,863 --> 00:39:28,949
Now, this spider was so big,

870
00:39:29,033 --> 00:39:30,743
I thought I was interrupting him.

871
00:39:30,826 --> 00:39:31,786
[audience laughing]

872
00:39:32,411 --> 00:39:36,374
I did. I went to open my shower curtain,
I was like, "Ooh my God, I'm so sorry!"

873
00:39:36,457 --> 00:39:37,333
[audience laughing]

874
00:39:37,416 --> 00:39:39,585
"I didn't know
anybody was in here. My bad."

875
00:39:42,505 --> 00:39:43,881
I'm learning a lot about the South.

876
00:39:43,964 --> 00:39:47,259
I don't know if you guys knew this,
but it's very haunted in the South.

877
00:39:47,343 --> 00:39:48,886
Lot of haunted places there.

878
00:39:48,969 --> 00:39:51,597
I'm very into the haunted, ghosty stuff,

879
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:54,308
so when I first got to Nashville,
I started Googling.

880
00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:57,520
I was like,
"Where in Nashville is it haunted?"

881
00:39:57,603 --> 00:40:00,439
And then Google was like, "Go outside."

882
00:40:00,523 --> 00:40:01,899
[audience laughing]

883
00:40:03,692 --> 00:40:07,029
But doing my research,
I've come to the realization

884
00:40:07,113 --> 00:40:10,866
that most ghosts are from the 1800s.

885
00:40:10,950 --> 00:40:14,328
Any time you ever hear
about a ghost story, it's usually like,

886
00:40:14,412 --> 00:40:17,748
"Oh yeah, that's, uh, Mabel."

887
00:40:18,374 --> 00:40:19,375
[audience tittering]

888
00:40:19,458 --> 00:40:22,795
"She died in 1806

889
00:40:22,878 --> 00:40:24,880
of seasonal allergies."

890
00:40:24,964 --> 00:40:26,590
[audience laughing]

891
00:40:27,591 --> 00:40:30,428
You don't ever hear about a 1997 ghost.

892
00:40:30,511 --> 00:40:31,720
[audience laughing]

893
00:40:33,931 --> 00:40:35,850
You've never heard the story,

894
00:40:35,933 --> 00:40:39,395
"Oh yeah, that's, uh, Stacy."

895
00:40:39,478 --> 00:40:41,439
[audience laughing]

896
00:40:42,690 --> 00:40:45,067
"She died in '97."

897
00:40:46,068 --> 00:40:49,155
"She was crossing the street
while checking her pager."

898
00:40:49,238 --> 00:40:50,364
[audience laughing]

899
00:40:54,326 --> 00:40:56,704
I like scary movies.
You guys like scary movies?

900
00:40:56,787 --> 00:40:58,164
-[audience cheering]
-Yeah.

901
00:40:58,247 --> 00:41:01,333
I'm into it. I mean,
sometimes they're a little predictable.

902
00:41:01,417 --> 00:41:02,293
You know?

903
00:41:02,376 --> 00:41:05,588
Like, you always know when the ghost
is gonna come on the screen

904
00:41:05,671 --> 00:41:08,466
because the music changes, right?

905
00:41:08,549 --> 00:41:11,802
It turns into, like,
creepy classical music.

906
00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:13,679
Or Johnny Cash.

907
00:41:13,762 --> 00:41:14,805
[audience laughing]

908
00:41:15,764 --> 00:41:17,766
But not if your ghost was Stacy.

909
00:41:17,850 --> 00:41:19,727
[audience laughing]

910
00:41:19,810 --> 00:41:21,729
No. If Stacy was your ghost,

911
00:41:21,812 --> 00:41:24,815
she'd wake you up
in the middle of the night with,

912
00:41:24,899 --> 00:41:31,780
[singing TLC's "No Scrubs" melancholily]
♪ No scrubs ♪

913
00:41:33,157 --> 00:41:40,039
♪ No scrubs ♪

914
00:41:40,122 --> 00:41:44,335
[singing En Vogue's "My Love"]
♪ Never gonna get it, never gonna get it ♪

915
00:41:44,877 --> 00:41:47,004
[audience laughing]

916
00:41:47,087 --> 00:41:50,674
[audience cheering and applauding]

917
00:41:53,093 --> 00:41:54,970
Stacy's creepy.

918
00:41:55,054 --> 00:41:56,305
[audience laughing]

919
00:41:57,348 --> 00:42:02,019
They say dogs are really sensitive
to paranormal stuff.

920
00:42:02,102 --> 00:42:04,480
And that's true.
My dog is super sensitive.

921
00:42:04,563 --> 00:42:07,024
And he's also super cute.

922
00:42:07,942 --> 00:42:12,363
We adopted him at the shelter,
and we wanted to know what breed he was,

923
00:42:12,446 --> 00:42:14,573
so we did a little DNA test on him.

924
00:42:14,657 --> 00:42:20,162
Come to find out, he is Yorkie,
Maltese, shih tzu, cocker spaniel,

925
00:42:20,246 --> 00:42:22,706
miniature schnauzer,
Mexican, and Puerto Rican.

926
00:42:22,790 --> 00:42:23,791
[audience laughing]

927
00:42:24,375 --> 00:42:26,669
[in sing-song voice] Hello, scholarship!

928
00:42:27,336 --> 00:42:29,922
I'm Anjelah Johnson-Reyes.
Thank you guys so much.

929
00:42:30,005 --> 00:42:33,467
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-Happy anniversary, Improv!

930
00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:36,303
[announcer]
Please welcome Dave Attell. Dave Attell.

931
00:42:36,387 --> 00:42:38,931
[audience cheering and applauding]

932
00:42:45,229 --> 00:42:47,022
Ohh.

933
00:42:47,106 --> 00:42:49,275
I went to one of these sex stores.
You know the kind.

934
00:42:49,358 --> 00:42:51,443
You and your friends go in
and laugh at all the stuff,

935
00:42:51,527 --> 00:42:54,280
and then you go home, and then
you race back alone and buy it all?

936
00:42:54,363 --> 00:42:56,657
[audience laughing]

937
00:42:56,740 --> 00:42:59,368
I bought my girlfriend a vibrator.
She dumped me.

938
00:42:59,451 --> 00:43:01,912
[audience laughing]

939
00:43:01,996 --> 00:43:03,956
No, she called me up the next day,
like, "Dave?"

940
00:43:04,039 --> 00:43:06,292
[voice vibrating]
"I don't know how to tell you this, but…

941
00:43:06,375 --> 00:43:08,377
listen, I wanna be alone."

942
00:43:09,003 --> 00:43:13,340
"For a long time."

943
00:43:13,424 --> 00:43:15,050
[audience laughing]

944
00:43:15,134 --> 00:43:18,304
[chill music playing]

945
00:43:18,387 --> 00:43:22,349
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Jeff Dunham!

946
00:43:22,433 --> 00:43:26,353
[audience cheering and applauding]

947
00:43:29,523 --> 00:43:30,649
Thank you.

948
00:43:32,318 --> 00:43:35,571
Thank you very much. Before I get
started here, I just wanna say

949
00:43:35,654 --> 00:43:38,115
The Improv, for me, started in 1988,

950
00:43:38,198 --> 00:43:41,452
and I had just driven out here
from Texas, where I grew up,

951
00:43:41,535 --> 00:43:44,246
with a truck full of dummies and dreams.

952
00:43:44,330 --> 00:43:45,289
[audience laughing]

953
00:43:45,372 --> 00:43:47,333
But, uh, so 20 years doing The Improv,

954
00:43:47,416 --> 00:43:49,835
it was just great,
and I moved onto other things after that,

955
00:43:49,918 --> 00:43:51,629
but it's great to be back here

956
00:43:51,712 --> 00:43:53,756
and to have some fun
here tonight with you guys.

957
00:43:53,839 --> 00:43:57,676
-Sound good? Yes? Maybe? Yeah! Good.
-[audience cheering]

958
00:43:59,553 --> 00:44:02,973
And there's been some little guys in boxes
that have helped me along the way.

959
00:44:03,057 --> 00:44:05,100
One of them is here this evening.
I hope you enjoy it.

960
00:44:05,184 --> 00:44:07,686
Please help me welcome
my old friend Walter.

961
00:44:07,770 --> 00:44:09,271
[audience cheering]

962
00:44:17,112 --> 00:44:18,906
Ah, shut the hell up.

963
00:44:19,698 --> 00:44:21,784
[groans mockingly]

964
00:44:22,951 --> 00:44:25,621
-Walter, you know where we are?
-Yeah. What a dump.

965
00:44:25,704 --> 00:44:26,872
[audience laughing]

966
00:44:26,955 --> 00:44:29,333
Come on.
It's the world-famous Melrose Improv.

967
00:44:29,416 --> 00:44:31,835
Well, la-di-freakin'-da.

968
00:44:32,544 --> 00:44:35,798
-A lot of history here.
-Translated, "old as crap."

969
00:44:36,840 --> 00:44:37,800
Have you looked around?

970
00:44:37,883 --> 00:44:40,761
Since we've been here, they've done
a lot of refurbishing, made it nice.

971
00:44:40,844 --> 00:44:43,055
Well, polish a turd, it's still a turd.

972
00:44:43,138 --> 00:44:45,391
[audience laughing]

973
00:44:45,474 --> 00:44:47,476
[Walter laughing mockingly]

974
00:44:48,268 --> 00:44:50,479
And, I know--
Can we get this out of the way?

975
00:44:50,562 --> 00:44:54,066
-Go ahead.
-Yes, I know I look like Joe Biden.

976
00:44:54,149 --> 00:44:56,026
[audience laughing]

977
00:44:56,110 --> 00:44:57,986
It's not funny.
People say it all the time.

978
00:44:58,070 --> 00:44:59,863
"Are you Joe Biden?"

979
00:45:00,572 --> 00:45:02,783
I don't want to disappoint them,
so I go, "I don't know,"

980
00:45:02,866 --> 00:45:04,159
and they believe me.

981
00:45:04,243 --> 00:45:06,412
[audience laughing]

982
00:45:06,495 --> 00:45:09,415
And somebody else
is always telling me what to say.

983
00:45:09,498 --> 00:45:10,332
[Jeff inhales]

984
00:45:10,416 --> 00:45:12,292
[audience laughing]

985
00:45:13,502 --> 00:45:15,796
Screw you. That's a good joke.

986
00:45:15,879 --> 00:45:17,214
[audience laughing]

987
00:45:17,297 --> 00:45:19,091
-Anything else going on?
-I don't know.

988
00:45:19,174 --> 00:45:21,885
-I'm tired of my other job.
-You do have another job.

989
00:45:21,969 --> 00:45:23,262
-Yeah.
-Tell them what it is.

990
00:45:23,345 --> 00:45:26,014
I am a greeter at Walmart.

991
00:45:26,098 --> 00:45:27,266
[audience laughing]

992
00:45:28,600 --> 00:45:30,769
-What do you say to everybody?
-Welcome to Walmart.

993
00:45:30,853 --> 00:45:32,479
Get your shit and get out.

994
00:45:32,563 --> 00:45:34,231
[audience laughing]

995
00:45:35,023 --> 00:45:35,858
Thank you.

996
00:45:36,442 --> 00:45:39,027
-Anything else wrong?
-I think I had too much bran.

997
00:45:39,111 --> 00:45:40,779
Too much bran? Should make you regular.

998
00:45:40,863 --> 00:45:43,157
Regular?
Hell, I'm three years ahead of schedule.

999
00:45:43,240 --> 00:45:44,742
[audience laughing]

1000
00:45:44,825 --> 00:45:47,202
-Shut up.
-[Jeff snickers]

1001
00:45:47,286 --> 00:45:48,537
But it's good to be back in LA.

1002
00:45:48,620 --> 00:45:50,789
Yeah, great to be back
in LA and Hollywood.

1003
00:45:50,873 --> 00:45:53,459
So fantastic here.
The city's done so much for itself.

1004
00:45:53,542 --> 00:45:54,543
Holy crap.

1005
00:45:54,626 --> 00:45:55,919
[audience laughing]

1006
00:45:56,712 --> 00:45:58,922
-This summer's been hot as hell.
-It was.

1007
00:45:59,006 --> 00:46:01,967
Oh my God, we had a freakin' hurricane.

1008
00:46:02,050 --> 00:46:04,303
-What the hell? How did that happen?
-I don't know.

1009
00:46:04,386 --> 00:46:06,889
To make matters worse,
middle of the hurricane, what do we have?

1010
00:46:06,972 --> 00:46:08,515
Freakin' earthquake!

1011
00:46:08,599 --> 00:46:10,517
In the middle of a damn hurricane!

1012
00:46:10,601 --> 00:46:12,561
God hates this city!

1013
00:46:12,644 --> 00:46:14,521
[audience laughing]

1014
00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:16,857
-Yeah.
-Anything else wrong?

1015
00:46:16,940 --> 00:46:19,109
-I don't know. I'm just pissed.
-Why?

1016
00:46:19,193 --> 00:46:20,944
-I don't wanna go home.
-Why not?

1017
00:46:21,028 --> 00:46:22,321
I think my house is haunted.

1018
00:46:22,988 --> 00:46:24,907
-Why's that?
-My wife is there.

1019
00:46:24,990 --> 00:46:26,992
[audience laughing]

1020
00:46:27,075 --> 00:46:30,370
Every time I walk in the door,
all I hear is, "Get out."

1021
00:46:30,454 --> 00:46:31,663
[audience laughing]

1022
00:46:32,247 --> 00:46:34,583
-You guys get in another argument?
-Oh yeah.

1023
00:46:34,666 --> 00:46:36,627
-On the phone, I hung up on her.
-That wasn't good.

1024
00:46:36,710 --> 00:46:39,880
I know. She called right back
and she goes, "Did you hang up on me?"

1025
00:46:39,963 --> 00:46:43,050
I said, "I don't know. Does it sound
something like this? 'Click.'"

1026
00:46:43,133 --> 00:46:45,511
[audience laughing]

1027
00:46:45,594 --> 00:46:49,389
-Bet that made her mad.
-Oh, I felt a disturbance in the Force.

1028
00:46:49,473 --> 00:46:52,434
-Your wife's a lovely woman.
-She's gettin' old.

1029
00:46:53,185 --> 00:46:55,354
Come on. Women age like… like fine wine.

1030
00:46:55,437 --> 00:46:56,855
She's aging like milk.

1031
00:46:56,939 --> 00:46:59,650
[audience laughing]

1032
00:46:59,733 --> 00:47:01,819
-How long you been married?
-Eleven years.

1033
00:47:01,902 --> 00:47:03,111
-You'll see.
-What?

1034
00:47:03,195 --> 00:47:05,572
Remember when you said,
"Till death do us part"?

1035
00:47:05,656 --> 00:47:06,657
Yeah.

1036
00:47:06,740 --> 00:47:09,201
Later, you realize
you're actually setting a goal.

1037
00:47:09,284 --> 00:47:10,577
[audience laughing]

1038
00:47:14,331 --> 00:47:16,667
-How long you been married?
-Forty-six years.

1039
00:47:16,750 --> 00:47:18,710
What was the happiest moment of your life?

1040
00:47:18,794 --> 00:47:20,546
Forty-seven years ago.

1041
00:47:20,629 --> 00:47:22,589
[audience laughing]

1042
00:47:23,423 --> 00:47:26,134
-So what's the secret to a happy marriage?
-Tupperware.

1043
00:47:26,218 --> 00:47:28,011
-Tupperware? Why's that?
-Yeah.

1044
00:47:28,095 --> 00:47:30,264
Lightweight, and it hurts less
when she hits you with it.

1045
00:47:30,347 --> 00:47:31,473
[audience laughing]

1046
00:47:32,057 --> 00:47:33,725
Your wife's supposed to be your soulmate.

1047
00:47:33,809 --> 00:47:35,394
More like my cellmate.

1048
00:47:35,477 --> 00:47:37,187
[audience laughing]

1049
00:47:37,271 --> 00:47:39,857
-How is the love life?
-At my age? Good God.

1050
00:47:40,482 --> 00:47:43,151
Come on. I had grandparents
who, well into their 80s,

1051
00:47:43,235 --> 00:47:44,236
were still having fun.

1052
00:47:44,319 --> 00:47:46,738
Their 80s? Good God.
What kind of sex is that?

1053
00:47:47,906 --> 00:47:50,742
"Was it good for you?" "I don't remember."

1054
00:47:50,826 --> 00:47:52,870
[audience laughing]

1055
00:47:52,953 --> 00:47:54,329
"Who are you?"

1056
00:47:55,414 --> 00:47:57,749
-No blue pill for you?
-Oh, are you kidding me?

1057
00:47:57,833 --> 00:47:59,585
That stuff's the work of the devil.

1058
00:47:59,668 --> 00:48:02,170
-It's supposed to help.
-It does. Not really, though.

1059
00:48:02,254 --> 00:48:05,591
Impotence is God's way
of helping a man like me

1060
00:48:05,674 --> 00:48:06,758
to just say no.

1061
00:48:08,468 --> 00:48:09,845
I will say, though,

1062
00:48:09,928 --> 00:48:12,764
Viagra does keep me
from rolling out of bed.

1063
00:48:14,349 --> 00:48:16,351
[audience laughing]

1064
00:48:18,729 --> 00:48:20,272
It's a kickstand joke!

1065
00:48:22,774 --> 00:48:25,527
So at your age, how do you
keep things fresh in the bedroom?

1066
00:48:25,611 --> 00:48:26,737
Febreze.

1067
00:48:26,820 --> 00:48:28,697
[audience laughing]

1068
00:48:29,698 --> 00:48:31,575
I thought making love got better with age.

1069
00:48:31,658 --> 00:48:33,619
Yeah, hang onto that dream, pal.

1070
00:48:34,703 --> 00:48:37,289
You know, I bet when you were younger,
you were quite a ladies' man.

1071
00:48:37,372 --> 00:48:39,917
Oh, I used to chase skirts
all over the world.

1072
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:41,460
-Really?
-Till I got to Scotland.

1073
00:48:41,543 --> 00:48:43,295
And, boy, was I surprised.

1074
00:48:43,378 --> 00:48:44,796
[audience laughing]

1075
00:48:47,174 --> 00:48:49,843
-You got that new watch, didn't you?
-It's a Swatch.

1076
00:48:49,927 --> 00:48:51,595
What the hell's a Swatch?

1077
00:48:51,678 --> 00:48:54,431
I don't know.
A company in Switzerland invented watches,

1078
00:48:54,514 --> 00:48:55,724
so they called it the Swatch.

1079
00:48:55,807 --> 00:48:58,352
Oh. Good thing they weren't in Croatia.

1080
00:48:59,311 --> 00:49:01,063
[audience laughing]

1081
00:49:02,689 --> 00:49:05,442
"What time is it?" "I don't know.
Let me look at my 'cratch.'"

1082
00:49:06,610 --> 00:49:09,571
"Sorry I'm late.
My 'cratch' is a little slow."

1083
00:49:10,155 --> 00:49:12,407
"Yeah, it's like a Timex. It takes a--"

1084
00:49:12,491 --> 00:49:14,493
All right. Say good night, Walter.

1085
00:49:14,576 --> 00:49:16,703
You guys have been awesome.
Thanks for having us.

1086
00:49:16,787 --> 00:49:20,248
-That's Walter. There we go.
-[audience cheering and applauding]

1087
00:49:20,332 --> 00:49:23,669
[announcer] Let's have a big welcome
for Wanda Sykes.

1088
00:49:23,752 --> 00:49:25,754
[audience cheering and applauding]

1089
00:49:29,466 --> 00:49:31,093
Hello!

1090
00:49:35,263 --> 00:49:37,975
I see dates out.
I love when I see people out on dates.

1091
00:49:38,058 --> 00:49:40,310
You see a lot of women
hanging out together, men hanging--

1092
00:49:40,394 --> 00:49:41,645
You see that, don't you?

1093
00:49:41,728 --> 00:49:43,230
And you know why you see that?

1094
00:49:43,313 --> 00:49:46,233
'Cause men are getting cheap.
That's what's going on. Right, ladies?

1095
00:49:46,316 --> 00:49:48,902
-[women cheering]
-Guys are getting cheap.

1096
00:49:48,986 --> 00:49:52,489
Look, guys, I know the recession
is going on, but y'all are getting cheap.

1097
00:49:52,572 --> 00:49:53,865
They take you to the movies,

1098
00:49:53,949 --> 00:49:56,451
they don't buy you the popcorn
and the sodas anymore, do they?

1099
00:49:56,535 --> 00:49:59,287
Nooo, uh-uh. If the movie starts at 7:30,

1100
00:49:59,371 --> 00:50:02,666
they get you there by 7:29,
rush you past that concession stand.

1101
00:50:02,749 --> 00:50:05,335
[audience laughing]

1102
00:50:06,211 --> 00:50:07,671
Go to the movies!

1103
00:50:08,213 --> 00:50:12,134
Go to the movies, you can see women
losing shoe heels at the concession stand.

1104
00:50:12,217 --> 00:50:13,385
[audience laughing]

1105
00:50:13,468 --> 00:50:15,220
And once you get in the movie theater,

1106
00:50:15,303 --> 00:50:17,723
you gotta give him little hints
to let him know you're thirsty.

1107
00:50:17,806 --> 00:50:19,766
You're sitting in the movie theater
like this…

1108
00:50:21,059 --> 00:50:22,394
[makes choking sound]

1109
00:50:22,477 --> 00:50:24,146
[audience laughing]

1110
00:50:24,229 --> 00:50:25,313
[makes choking sound]

1111
00:50:25,397 --> 00:50:27,482
[audience laughing]

1112
00:50:28,358 --> 00:50:29,735
[in raspy voice] "Excuse me."

1113
00:50:29,818 --> 00:50:31,361
[audience laughing]

1114
00:50:31,445 --> 00:50:33,155
"Do you think
I can get something to drink?"

1115
00:50:33,238 --> 00:50:35,449
-[audience laughing]
-"I'm a little thirsty."

1116
00:50:35,949 --> 00:50:39,953
[in normal voice] He's like, "Oh yeah.
Hey, man. You finished with that drink?"

1117
00:50:40,037 --> 00:50:41,788
[audience laughing]

1118
00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:42,873
"She's thirsty."

1119
00:50:42,956 --> 00:50:45,167
[chill music playing]

1120
00:50:45,250 --> 00:50:48,837
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Kevin Nealon!

1121
00:50:48,920 --> 00:50:52,424
[audience cheering and applauding]

1122
00:50:58,346 --> 00:51:00,182
I know, I know.

1123
00:51:00,265 --> 00:51:02,225
I know. Believe me, I know.

1124
00:51:02,309 --> 00:51:04,311
Thank you, thank you.

1125
00:51:04,978 --> 00:51:06,688
Well, thank you very much.

1126
00:51:07,314 --> 00:51:08,899
I have a lot of history with this club.

1127
00:51:08,982 --> 00:51:12,819
This is the first club I ever went to.
This was, like, back in the 1900s.

1128
00:51:12,903 --> 00:51:14,237
[audience laughing]

1129
00:51:14,321 --> 00:51:15,947
I'm serious, I'm serious.

1130
00:51:16,031 --> 00:51:18,366
And, I tell you, this was…

1131
00:51:18,450 --> 00:51:21,036
this was the first stage
I've ever been on,

1132
00:51:21,119 --> 00:51:22,746
and I remember my first heckler.

1133
00:51:22,829 --> 00:51:24,831
Oh, you gotta hear this. You got a minute?

1134
00:51:24,915 --> 00:51:26,249
-[audience laughing]
-Okay.

1135
00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:28,835
So, um, it was like a delayed heckle.

1136
00:51:29,669 --> 00:51:32,130
I left the club, I got home,

1137
00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:35,383
in my jacket,
somebody had stuffed an envelope,

1138
00:51:35,467 --> 00:51:37,636
and it said, "You suck."

1139
00:51:37,719 --> 00:51:40,222
"I'm gonna put a bullet
in your big, fat McHead."

1140
00:51:40,305 --> 00:51:41,556
[audience tittering]

1141
00:51:41,640 --> 00:51:45,519
I'm not kidding around. I swear to God.
I was terrified. I was like, you know…

1142
00:51:45,602 --> 00:51:48,063
And for the next week,
I was so paranoid, I'm asking everybody,

1143
00:51:48,146 --> 00:51:51,108
"You think I have a fat head?
You think it's fat?"

1144
00:51:51,191 --> 00:51:52,567
"I hope it's not fat."

1145
00:51:54,528 --> 00:51:57,489
But I even remember when the first time…
[in high voice] I remember when…

1146
00:51:58,406 --> 00:52:01,409
[in normal voice] How come your voice
goes up when you reminisce? People go…

1147
00:52:01,493 --> 00:52:04,538
[high-pitched] "Remember when I met you?"
[in normal voice] For some reason.

1148
00:52:05,038 --> 00:52:06,790
No matter how tough the guy is.

1149
00:52:06,873 --> 00:52:09,876
"Hey, Mack, thinkin' about the time we
worked at the steel mill in Pittsburgh."

1150
00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:13,171
[high-pitched] "Remember when we
beat the hell out of that trucker?"

1151
00:52:13,672 --> 00:52:16,258
[in normal voice] Even if they're speaking
a different language, you can tell.

1152
00:52:16,341 --> 00:52:18,760
[speaking gibberish]

1153
00:52:18,844 --> 00:52:20,846
[gibberish becomes high-pitched]

1154
00:52:22,806 --> 00:52:26,852
I like to remember… I have so many
moments in my life that stand out.

1155
00:52:26,935 --> 00:52:30,313
Like the first time I went skiing.
I didn't know anything about it.

1156
00:52:30,397 --> 00:52:32,607
I didn't know
they labeled the trails for difficulty.

1157
00:52:32,691 --> 00:52:35,068
You know what I mean?
Like the black diamonds for the steep,

1158
00:52:35,152 --> 00:52:38,280
the blues for the intermediate,
the greens for the easy.

1159
00:52:38,363 --> 00:52:41,074
I'm in the middle of Colorado,
and I pull into this convenience store.

1160
00:52:41,158 --> 00:52:42,868
I don't know where to ski.
So many mountains.

1161
00:52:42,951 --> 00:52:45,829
I said to the guy, "What's the best
mountain to go skiing on?"

1162
00:52:45,912 --> 00:52:49,040
He looks at me right in the eyes, goes,
"You know what? I like Copper Mountain."

1163
00:52:49,124 --> 00:52:51,585
"A lot of people don't like to ski there.
Afraid of the blacks."

1164
00:52:51,668 --> 00:52:53,170
I thought, "Oh, this guy's a racist."

1165
00:52:53,253 --> 00:52:54,212
[audience laughing]

1166
00:53:00,844 --> 00:53:02,053
And, uh…

1167
00:53:02,637 --> 00:53:05,807
But he said, "I don't mind the blacks.
I have a lot of fun with them."

1168
00:53:05,891 --> 00:53:08,518
"But they're all over the mountain.
They're everywhere, man."

1169
00:53:08,602 --> 00:53:10,729
"You can't get away from 'em. Seriously."

1170
00:53:11,354 --> 00:53:15,108
"And, uh, some of them,
not very well-groomed, by the way."

1171
00:53:15,192 --> 00:53:16,526
[audience laughing]

1172
00:53:16,610 --> 00:53:19,112
He said, "Yeah, my sister went down
on a black a couple years ago,

1173
00:53:19,196 --> 00:53:21,281
and she's never been the same."

1174
00:53:21,364 --> 00:53:24,075
[audience laughing]

1175
00:53:25,660 --> 00:53:28,830
"But," he said, "if you want the good
white powder, that's where you gotta go."

1176
00:53:28,914 --> 00:53:30,165
"That's where you gotta go."

1177
00:53:30,248 --> 00:53:33,001
Okay, well I'm not going
to Copper Mountain, that's for sure.

1178
00:53:33,084 --> 00:53:35,086
[audience laughing]

1179
00:53:37,172 --> 00:53:41,259
Probably my proudest memory
is when I had my son.

1180
00:53:41,343 --> 00:53:43,261
Um, I never thought that would happen,

1181
00:53:43,345 --> 00:53:47,098
but, you know,
my wife went and got pregnant, and uh…

1182
00:53:47,182 --> 00:53:49,559
-[audience laughing]
-No, seriously, she did.

1183
00:53:49,643 --> 00:53:51,937
Didn't care whether it was a boy
or a girl, as long as it had a penis.

1184
00:53:52,020 --> 00:53:54,731
That's all I cared about.
No, seriously, that's all I cared about.

1185
00:53:55,607 --> 00:53:57,234
And we get to the hospital,

1186
00:53:57,317 --> 00:53:59,152
and then the doctor comes in,

1187
00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:01,821
and she says,
"Hold up her left leg like this,"

1188
00:54:01,905 --> 00:54:04,324
which is how I'd gotten
into this position in the first place.

1189
00:54:04,407 --> 00:54:06,493
[audience laughing]

1190
00:54:06,576 --> 00:54:08,870
And, uh, she said, "Oh, look, look,

1191
00:54:08,954 --> 00:54:11,665
you can see the baby's head
coming out a little bit."

1192
00:54:11,748 --> 00:54:14,709
"Looks purplish, uh, green,
a little bit like that."

1193
00:54:14,793 --> 00:54:18,964
"Kinda like a big, fat McHead."
I said, "How do you know about that?"

1194
00:54:20,257 --> 00:54:22,259
And she said,
"Look, the whole head is out now."

1195
00:54:22,342 --> 00:54:23,843
"Wanna pull the rest of the baby out?"

1196
00:54:23,927 --> 00:54:25,887
No! I don't wanna pull
the rest of the baby out!

1197
00:54:25,971 --> 00:54:29,224
But I said, "Yeah, okay, okay."
'Cause I hate confrontation.

1198
00:54:29,307 --> 00:54:31,893
So I'm pulling on it. It's not coming out.

1199
00:54:32,519 --> 00:54:34,437
The neck is just elongating.

1200
00:54:34,521 --> 00:54:37,399
I told her, I said, "I'm afraid
I'm gonna rip the baby's head off."

1201
00:54:37,899 --> 00:54:39,901
She said, "You're not gonna
rip the baby's head off."

1202
00:54:39,985 --> 00:54:41,903
I said, "If I do,
I'm gonna be angry at you."

1203
00:54:42,779 --> 00:54:45,490
So I got it in a headlock,
and I finally pulled it out.

1204
00:54:45,573 --> 00:54:46,950
It popped right out of there.

1205
00:54:47,033 --> 00:54:47,993
[audience laughing]

1206
00:54:48,076 --> 00:54:50,662
And the first thing I saw
was it had a penis,

1207
00:54:50,745 --> 00:54:54,624
and it's the only time I've ever
been excited to see a penis in my life.

1208
00:54:54,708 --> 00:54:56,960
-[audience laughing]
-It really is.

1209
00:54:57,711 --> 00:55:00,213
And then the doctor goes,
"You wanna cut the umbilical cord?"

1210
00:55:00,297 --> 00:55:03,341
And I'm thinking, "Jesus!
Doesn't anybody wanna work around here?"

1211
00:55:04,092 --> 00:55:05,927
"Why do I have to do everything?"

1212
00:55:07,304 --> 00:55:09,472
"Why don't you come to our house?
You can cut our grass."

1213
00:55:10,181 --> 00:55:13,018
So I didn't care.
I took the scissors and snip, snip,

1214
00:55:13,101 --> 00:55:16,896
and, you know, in hindsight,
it was really a great experience.

1215
00:55:16,980 --> 00:55:18,982
In fact, two hours later,
I went across the hall,

1216
00:55:19,065 --> 00:55:20,483
I delivered two more babies.

1217
00:55:20,567 --> 00:55:22,569
[audience laughing]

1218
00:55:22,652 --> 00:55:23,987
And a C-section…

1219
00:55:24,070 --> 00:55:25,655
[audience laughing]

1220
00:55:25,739 --> 00:55:28,241
…which I kinda botched,
but it was a good experience.

1221
00:55:28,325 --> 00:55:29,576
Good experience.

1222
00:55:30,493 --> 00:55:32,162
Well, I gotta tell you, man, uh,

1223
00:55:32,245 --> 00:55:34,497
I really enjoyed being here tonight,
pain in the ass,

1224
00:55:34,581 --> 00:55:36,374
because you, as an audience,

1225
00:55:36,458 --> 00:55:39,044
uh, I mean,
you are so energetic, coked up,

1226
00:55:39,127 --> 00:55:41,504
and I like that about you guys. I do.

1227
00:55:41,588 --> 00:55:43,506
I wish I could hang out
for the rest of the show,

1228
00:55:43,590 --> 00:55:45,592
but gotta visit
a friend in the hospital, strip club,

1229
00:55:45,675 --> 00:55:48,720
and, you know,
because… that's what I do, you know?

1230
00:55:48,803 --> 00:55:51,973
Titty bar? That's what I like to do.
I like being around that stuff.

1231
00:55:52,849 --> 00:55:57,395
But anyway, um, you're gonna enjoy
the rest of the night tonight, not really,

1232
00:55:57,479 --> 00:55:58,355
and, um…

1233
00:55:58,438 --> 00:55:59,397
[audience laughing]

1234
00:55:59,481 --> 00:56:01,483
And I think you're gonna
have a fun time. Fat chance.

1235
00:56:01,566 --> 00:56:04,235
So thanks for coming tonight.
Enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you.

1236
00:56:04,861 --> 00:56:07,572
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it. Thank you.

1237
00:56:08,198 --> 00:56:11,034
[announcer] Let's have a big hand
right now for Margaret Cho.

1238
00:56:11,117 --> 00:56:14,704
[audience cheering and applauding]

1239
00:56:25,131 --> 00:56:29,135
I was recently featured on this show
that had international comedians,

1240
00:56:29,219 --> 00:56:31,805
and they chose me
'cause I'm so very international.

1241
00:56:31,888 --> 00:56:33,640
And they had a real problem with me

1242
00:56:33,723 --> 00:56:35,934
because I look this way,
but I talk this way.

1243
00:56:36,017 --> 00:56:38,019
[audience laughing]

1244
00:56:40,188 --> 00:56:42,440
There's a problem.
They're trying to be sensitive about it.

1245
00:56:42,524 --> 00:56:45,568
They're like, "Margaret, we don't want you
to take this the wrong way,

1246
00:56:45,652 --> 00:56:48,780
but could you be a little bit more,
oh, I don't know, Chinese?"

1247
00:56:48,863 --> 00:56:50,407
[audience laughing]

1248
00:56:50,490 --> 00:56:53,243
[scattered applause]

1249
00:56:53,326 --> 00:56:55,120
"Um, actually, I'm Korean."

1250
00:56:55,203 --> 00:56:56,579
"Well, whatever."

1251
00:56:56,663 --> 00:56:58,665
[audience laughing]

1252
00:56:58,748 --> 00:57:00,792
And I was supposed to go on this show
and tell jokes.

1253
00:57:00,875 --> 00:57:02,335
What was I supposed to do?

1254
00:57:02,419 --> 00:57:04,629
[in Korean accent]
Oh, my husband is so fat…

1255
00:57:04,712 --> 00:57:07,090
[raucous laughter]

1256
00:57:07,173 --> 00:57:09,175
[audience cheering and applauding]

1257
00:57:12,053 --> 00:57:14,222
…that when he sit around the [indistinct]…

1258
00:57:14,305 --> 00:57:15,849
[raucous laughter]

1259
00:57:15,932 --> 00:57:17,934
…he really sit around the [indistinct]."

1260
00:57:18,017 --> 00:57:20,437
[raucous laughter]

1261
00:57:20,520 --> 00:57:21,855
[chill music playing]

1262
00:57:23,857 --> 00:57:27,318
[announcer] Please welcome Craig Robinson!

1263
00:57:27,402 --> 00:57:29,279
[audience cheering and applauding]

1264
00:57:39,664 --> 00:57:40,582
[piano note plays]

1265
00:57:41,374 --> 00:57:42,459
[Craig clears throat]

1266
00:57:44,210 --> 00:57:48,673
Um, I'm drinking… water this evening,
as you can see.

1267
00:57:48,756 --> 00:57:51,342
My girlfriend and I are in a challenge

1268
00:57:51,426 --> 00:57:55,138
where, if I drink alcohol again,
she's gonna leave the relationship.

1269
00:57:55,221 --> 00:57:56,473
[audience laughing]

1270
00:58:04,397 --> 00:58:05,315
[piano note plays]

1271
00:58:07,275 --> 00:58:09,360
[gentle melody playing]

1272
00:58:10,069 --> 00:58:15,408
[loud, off-key warbling]

1273
00:58:19,412 --> 00:58:21,414
I was watching my favorite movie,

1274
00:58:22,665 --> 00:58:25,043
which is… Inception.

1275
00:58:26,669 --> 00:58:28,421
It's amazing. It's just…

1276
00:58:28,505 --> 00:58:30,507
Every time they went to sleep,
I went to sleep.

1277
00:58:32,550 --> 00:58:35,929
I said, "Ooh, another nap?
Ooh, yes!" [moans happily]

1278
00:58:36,012 --> 00:58:37,347
"Fuck yeah!"

1279
00:58:37,430 --> 00:58:39,432
[audience laughing]

1280
00:58:39,933 --> 00:58:41,184
[glissando playing]

1281
00:58:42,393 --> 00:58:44,729
[playing Bon Jovi's "Livin' On a Prayer"]

1282
00:58:50,276 --> 00:58:52,570
Somethin' real dramatic.

1283
00:58:52,654 --> 00:58:54,656
[audience chuckling]

1284
00:58:57,534 --> 00:58:59,827
[gruffly]
♪ Tommy used to work on the docks ♪

1285
00:59:00,370 --> 00:59:02,580
[audience laughing]

1286
00:59:07,835 --> 00:59:09,295
♪ Oh Lord ♪

1287
00:59:12,090 --> 00:59:14,092
[singing lyrics indistinctly]

1288
00:59:16,177 --> 00:59:19,180
[audience singing lyrics indistinctly]

1289
00:59:25,853 --> 00:59:26,688
♪ She gotta ♪

1290
00:59:26,771 --> 00:59:29,399
[audience] ♪ Hold on to what… ♪

1291
00:59:29,482 --> 00:59:32,193
-[Craig yelling gruffly]
-[pounding on piano]

1292
00:59:33,570 --> 00:59:34,487
That's how I come.

1293
00:59:34,571 --> 00:59:37,073
-[yelling gruffly] Fuck!
-[pounding on piano]

1294
00:59:37,156 --> 00:59:38,575
Fuck you! Fuck you!

1295
00:59:38,658 --> 00:59:41,536
[audience laughing and cheering]

1296
00:59:50,628 --> 00:59:54,465
[playing "Clair de Lune" gently]

1297
01:00:05,685 --> 01:00:07,687
If you're here with your lady right now…

1298
01:00:07,770 --> 01:00:10,523
[continues playing "Claire de Lune"]

1299
01:00:11,566 --> 01:00:13,860
…reach over and tickle her pussy
a little bit right now.

1300
01:00:13,943 --> 01:00:15,945
[audience laughing]

1301
01:00:18,197 --> 01:00:19,532
Whisper in her ear.

1302
01:00:21,409 --> 01:00:22,785
"That's from Craig."

1303
01:00:23,286 --> 01:00:24,829
[audience laughing]

1304
01:00:27,540 --> 01:00:29,083
♪ Let me tickle that pussy ♪

1305
01:00:32,420 --> 01:00:33,296
Oh man.

1306
01:00:34,589 --> 01:00:36,591
Oh! This-- this AI.

1307
01:00:37,467 --> 01:00:38,843
It's out of control.

1308
01:00:38,926 --> 01:00:41,179
-[audience laughing]
-Where's your phone, sir?

1309
01:00:41,929 --> 01:00:43,556
You got your phone?
Anybody got your phone?

1310
01:00:44,307 --> 01:00:47,060
You couldn't use your phone?
You got anything? It doesn't matter.

1311
01:00:47,143 --> 01:00:49,228
Here, hand it up. Watch this, watch this.

1312
01:00:51,856 --> 01:00:53,650
Look at that. Didn't touch it.

1313
01:00:53,733 --> 01:00:56,944
I want you to check this out.
Three, two, one.

1314
01:01:00,281 --> 01:01:01,908
Just AirDropped you a dick pick.

1315
01:01:01,991 --> 01:01:04,035
[audience laughing]

1316
01:01:09,207 --> 01:01:12,293
Oh, wait.
It says "file too large." [muttering]

1317
01:01:12,377 --> 01:01:15,129
[chuckles] Have a good night, everybody.
Thank you so much.

1318
01:01:15,213 --> 01:01:16,547
I love you, Improv.

1319
01:01:16,631 --> 01:01:19,717
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[chill music playing]

1320
01:01:19,801 --> 01:01:21,969
[announcer] Here's Norm Macdonald.

1321
01:01:22,053 --> 01:01:24,764
[audience cheering and applauding]

1322
01:01:27,100 --> 01:01:29,352
Ahh. All right, thanks.

1323
01:01:29,435 --> 01:01:31,688
I bit my tongue today. You ever do that?

1324
01:01:31,771 --> 01:01:33,231
[audience laughing]

1325
01:01:33,314 --> 01:01:35,316
Man, that hurts, huh? Holy cow.

1326
01:01:35,400 --> 01:01:38,903
Now I got a big purply-pink thing
on the side of my tongue in there,

1327
01:01:38,986 --> 01:01:42,532
and, uh, very embarrassing
biting your tongue, you know?

1328
01:01:42,615 --> 01:01:45,159
You'll just be walking down
the street minding your own business.

1329
01:01:45,243 --> 01:01:47,453
♪ Doodly doo, doodly doo ♪

1330
01:01:47,537 --> 01:01:48,705
♪ Doodly doo-- ♪ Ow!

1331
01:01:48,788 --> 01:01:50,790
[audience laughing]

1332
01:01:53,501 --> 01:01:55,294
You have everybody looking at you there,

1333
01:01:55,378 --> 01:02:00,341
and… you feel ashamed, you know?
You're ashamed that you bit your tongue.

1334
01:02:00,425 --> 01:02:02,218
People go,
"Hey, what's the matter over there?"

1335
01:02:02,301 --> 01:02:04,137
You go, "Oh…" [laughs awkwardly]

1336
01:02:04,220 --> 01:02:05,596
[audience laughing]

1337
01:02:06,389 --> 01:02:07,682
"My uncle's sick."

1338
01:02:07,765 --> 01:02:09,559
[audience laughing]

1339
01:02:09,642 --> 01:02:11,644
"I didn't bite my tongue,
if that's what you think."

1340
01:02:11,728 --> 01:02:13,062
[audience laughing]

1341
01:02:13,146 --> 01:02:14,313
"It's my uncle."

1342
01:02:15,773 --> 01:02:18,401
So, I'm surprised I don't bite my tongue
all the time, actually,

1343
01:02:18,484 --> 01:02:19,861
'cause I got so many teeth.

1344
01:02:19,944 --> 01:02:22,155
I got 50, 100 teeth. Something like that.

1345
01:02:22,238 --> 01:02:25,575
And they're all right around
my tongue there, you know?

1346
01:02:25,658 --> 01:02:27,577
[audience laughing]

1347
01:02:27,660 --> 01:02:28,953
They don't get out much.

1348
01:02:29,036 --> 01:02:29,954
And, uh…

1349
01:02:31,289 --> 01:02:33,458
and they'll bite anything.
They don't care.

1350
01:02:34,167 --> 01:02:36,169
Could be pork, could be my tongue.

1351
01:02:38,629 --> 01:02:41,174
Got too many teeth, that's the problem.
How many teeth do you need?

1352
01:02:41,257 --> 01:02:42,341
Five, six?

1353
01:02:42,425 --> 01:02:43,509
[audience laughing]

1354
01:02:43,593 --> 01:02:46,095
You can get along with that.
You can eat a sandwich with that.

1355
01:02:46,637 --> 01:02:48,765
But a lot of them,
you don't even know what they're for.

1356
01:02:48,848 --> 01:02:51,559
I got two big fangs
sprouting out of my gums over here.

1357
01:02:51,642 --> 01:02:52,935
[audience laughing]

1358
01:02:53,019 --> 01:02:55,813
The hell use are they? You don't
need fangs. You're a civilized person.

1359
01:02:55,897 --> 01:03:00,276
You don't need to… rip the throat
out of a gazelle to get a meal anymore.

1360
01:03:00,359 --> 01:03:01,486
[audience laughing]

1361
01:03:01,569 --> 01:03:03,446
[chill music playing]

1362
01:03:08,576 --> 01:03:11,829
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Whitney Cummings!

1363
01:03:11,913 --> 01:03:14,081
[audience cheering and applauding]

1364
01:03:17,794 --> 01:03:18,711
Hi!

1365
01:03:19,295 --> 01:03:20,338
Wow!

1366
01:03:21,172 --> 01:03:22,215
Thank you!

1367
01:03:22,840 --> 01:03:25,301
Come on. You guys are awesome.

1368
01:03:26,469 --> 01:03:28,763
So, uh, I am pregnant.

1369
01:03:28,846 --> 01:03:30,515
I am six months pregnant.

1370
01:03:30,598 --> 01:03:33,059
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you.

1371
01:03:33,601 --> 01:03:36,270
I just found out I'm having a boy baby.

1372
01:03:36,354 --> 01:03:39,190
Um… Oh, you believe in gender.

1373
01:03:39,273 --> 01:03:41,234
-[gasps] Toxic!
-[audience laughing]

1374
01:03:42,109 --> 01:03:44,403
I feel like I cannot ask
women in Los Angeles

1375
01:03:44,487 --> 01:03:46,989
the gender of their baby.
I'm worried I'll get in trouble.

1376
01:03:47,073 --> 01:03:49,033
I'll see a pregnant woman,
I'm like, "Boy or girl?"

1377
01:03:49,116 --> 01:03:51,494
They're like, "Uh, Whitney."
[exaggerated scoff]

1378
01:03:51,577 --> 01:03:53,246
[audience laughing]

1379
01:03:53,329 --> 01:03:56,207
"The baby will tell us its gender

1380
01:03:56,791 --> 01:03:59,168
when it's three days old."

1381
01:04:00,127 --> 01:04:02,547
I'm like, "Damn, okay."
That's over my head.

1382
01:04:02,630 --> 01:04:04,257
The kids and gender thing,

1383
01:04:04,340 --> 01:04:06,509
that seems like
some rich-person shit to me.

1384
01:04:06,592 --> 01:04:08,803
I… I grew up poor.

1385
01:04:08,886 --> 01:04:10,429
Um, when you grow up poor,

1386
01:04:10,513 --> 01:04:13,558
you're whatever gender
your older sibling was.

1387
01:04:13,641 --> 01:04:15,184
[audience laughing]

1388
01:04:15,268 --> 01:04:19,313
I wore a hockey jersey to school
till I was, like, 12, okay?

1389
01:04:19,397 --> 01:04:22,108
I identified as a goalie.

1390
01:04:22,191 --> 01:04:23,317
Um…

1391
01:04:23,401 --> 01:04:25,403
[audience laughing]

1392
01:04:25,945 --> 01:04:29,907
Nobody told me that when you get pregnant,
you can't get Botox, which is upsetting.

1393
01:04:29,991 --> 01:04:32,869
I'm not trying to look
like a young pregnant lady or anything,

1394
01:04:32,952 --> 01:04:34,328
I just date men in LA,

1395
01:04:34,412 --> 01:04:37,748
so I have to get Botox so I look
interested in what they're saying.

1396
01:04:37,832 --> 01:04:40,084
[audience laughing]

1397
01:04:40,167 --> 01:04:41,919
I have to be like, "Cool!"

1398
01:04:42,962 --> 01:04:47,008
"Yeah, please tell me more
about how, on your ayahuasca journey,

1399
01:04:47,091 --> 01:04:49,719
you had an epiphany
that you're polyamorous."

1400
01:04:49,802 --> 01:04:51,137
"Cool."

1401
01:04:51,220 --> 01:04:52,680
[audience laughing]

1402
01:04:52,763 --> 01:04:56,350
"Oh yeah, please elaborate on how
you go to Burning Man a week early,

1403
01:04:56,434 --> 01:04:57,643
but don't vote."

1404
01:04:57,727 --> 01:04:58,936
"Awesome!"

1405
01:04:59,020 --> 01:05:00,271
[audience laughing]

1406
01:05:00,354 --> 01:05:03,482
"Yeah, I'd love to see your tattoo
that says 'Breathe.'"

1407
01:05:03,566 --> 01:05:06,611
[audience laughing]

1408
01:05:07,737 --> 01:05:11,407
"Mmm! Please, continue that lecture
about how you won't eat pussy

1409
01:05:11,490 --> 01:05:13,618
'cause it's not a 'complete protein.'"

1410
01:05:13,701 --> 01:05:15,494
[audience laughing]

1411
01:05:18,497 --> 01:05:21,417
When did men
start saying "complete protein"?

1412
01:05:21,500 --> 01:05:24,503
What is this-- Guys, now,
you guys work out all the time,

1413
01:05:24,587 --> 01:05:26,547
you all look like Popeye for no reason?

1414
01:05:27,298 --> 01:05:30,343
You're all doing-- What is happening?
Why do your shoulders look like that?

1415
01:05:30,426 --> 01:05:33,554
I don't understand.
Why are you guys working out so much?

1416
01:05:33,638 --> 01:05:36,474
Is it so in case you run into Joe Rogan,
in your mind, he's gonna be like,

1417
01:05:36,557 --> 01:05:38,434
"Hey, man. Cool body."

1418
01:05:38,517 --> 01:05:40,853
[audience laughing]

1419
01:05:40,937 --> 01:05:44,190
Like, it's just-- All men now.
I don't know. What are you training for?

1420
01:05:44,273 --> 01:05:46,067
I don't know how to break it
to my guy friends.

1421
01:05:46,150 --> 01:05:48,694
No one's drafting you.
Like, that's-- They don't…

1422
01:05:49,362 --> 01:05:53,366
They don't need you on the team.
Like, what are you guys up to?

1423
01:05:53,449 --> 01:05:57,119
You're like, "We gotta get in shape
to go to war in the YouTube comments."

1424
01:05:57,203 --> 01:05:59,205
Like, where are-- What's it all for?

1425
01:05:59,288 --> 01:06:00,289
[audience laughing]

1426
01:06:00,373 --> 01:06:02,833
It's not even athletes. It's just all men.

1427
01:06:02,917 --> 01:06:06,337
I don't need my Enterprise Rent-A-Car guy
to be in ketosis.

1428
01:06:06,420 --> 01:06:09,090
Like, why are you-- You stink.

1429
01:06:09,173 --> 01:06:12,009
Why does my TSA guy have cauliflower ear?

1430
01:06:12,093 --> 01:06:13,928
Like, dude, you're bleeding.

1431
01:06:14,011 --> 01:06:16,222
[audience laughing]

1432
01:06:17,556 --> 01:06:19,433
The guy I'm dating, he does CrossFit.

1433
01:06:19,517 --> 01:06:21,852
He wakes up at 6:00 a.m.
to practice a bunch of skills

1434
01:06:21,936 --> 01:06:24,063
no one's needed for 2,000 years.

1435
01:06:24,146 --> 01:06:26,816
[audience laughing]

1436
01:06:26,899 --> 01:06:30,403
He comes in, he's like,
"Hey, I just pushed a tire up a sand dune…

1437
01:06:31,070 --> 01:06:32,154
forty-two times."

1438
01:06:32,238 --> 01:06:33,781
I'm like, "Cool."

1439
01:06:33,864 --> 01:06:37,243
"Can you just get this printer
to print at any point?"

1440
01:06:37,326 --> 01:06:39,203
[audience laughing]

1441
01:06:39,954 --> 01:06:42,206
He'll be on his phone in bed
for, like, hours.

1442
01:06:42,289 --> 01:06:44,208
Just on his phone,
and I'll start to get jealous.

1443
01:06:44,291 --> 01:06:47,253
I'm like, "Maybe he's looking
at a fitness model lady,

1444
01:06:47,336 --> 01:06:50,172
or porn with women with abs or something,"

1445
01:06:50,256 --> 01:06:52,508
and, uh… and I'll get jealous,
and I'll snap.

1446
01:06:52,591 --> 01:06:54,218
I'll be like,
"Hey, what are you watching?"

1447
01:06:54,301 --> 01:06:57,346
He'll be like…
"David Goggins' morning routine."

1448
01:06:57,847 --> 01:06:59,849
[audience laughing]

1449
01:06:59,932 --> 01:07:02,893
I'm like, "So you're watching
another man exercise?"

1450
01:07:02,977 --> 01:07:04,478
"I don't know what to do with that."

1451
01:07:04,562 --> 01:07:08,733
"Why can't you just cheat on me
like a normal fucking guy?"

1452
01:07:09,400 --> 01:07:11,986
Don't know what to do with the fact
that you're emotionally invested

1453
01:07:12,069 --> 01:07:14,071
in another man's legs.

1454
01:07:14,155 --> 01:07:15,740
[audience laughing]

1455
01:07:15,823 --> 01:07:18,868
But he's obsessed with David Goggins,
and I wanna be supportive of it,

1456
01:07:18,951 --> 01:07:21,787
so every now and then during sex,
I'll yell, "Stay hard!"

1457
01:07:21,871 --> 01:07:23,080
[audience laughing]

1458
01:07:23,164 --> 01:07:24,582
He loves it.

1459
01:07:28,961 --> 01:07:31,547
I feel I used to understand men.
I used to understand you guys.

1460
01:07:31,630 --> 01:07:33,674
There used to be
two kinds of guys, remember?

1461
01:07:33,758 --> 01:07:34,759
There were two categories.

1462
01:07:34,842 --> 01:07:36,927
There were jocks, and there were nerds.

1463
01:07:37,011 --> 01:07:39,013
And recently, you guys merged…

1464
01:07:39,096 --> 01:07:40,890
[audience laughing]

1465
01:07:40,973 --> 01:07:42,183
…into the same guy.

1466
01:07:42,266 --> 01:07:44,351
You're now just one giant super dork.

1467
01:07:45,061 --> 01:07:46,437
[audience laughing]

1468
01:07:47,354 --> 01:07:49,398
And all you eat is steamed chicken,

1469
01:07:50,566 --> 01:07:52,943
and you wanna talk about,
like, bro science?

1470
01:07:53,027 --> 01:07:56,530
All of a sudden, you wanna talk about,
like, the biological basis

1471
01:07:56,614 --> 01:07:58,574
for what happened in tribal times.

1472
01:07:58,657 --> 01:08:00,826
[audience laughing]

1473
01:08:00,910 --> 01:08:04,622
And every lecture always leads
to why you should be able to cheat on us.

1474
01:08:04,705 --> 01:08:07,917
Like, always… It's always like, you know…

1475
01:08:08,000 --> 01:08:10,169
[audience laughing]

1476
01:08:10,252 --> 01:08:13,005
"Technically,
monogamy's not natural, you know."

1477
01:08:13,089 --> 01:08:15,591
[audience laughing]

1478
01:08:15,674 --> 01:08:18,094
"Because, you know, in tribal times,

1479
01:08:18,177 --> 01:08:21,305
we evolved to have penises
that are curved…"

1480
01:08:21,388 --> 01:08:22,765
[audience laughing]

1481
01:08:22,848 --> 01:08:26,644
"…to scoop out the semen
of the competitor, so…"

1482
01:08:26,727 --> 01:08:29,021
[audience laughing]

1483
01:08:31,774 --> 01:08:34,985
"Technically, I am supposed
to be out there fuckin' and scoopin'

1484
01:08:35,069 --> 01:08:37,780
and fuckin' and scoopin'
and fuckin' and scoopin'."

1485
01:08:39,115 --> 01:08:40,241
"But, uh…

1486
01:08:41,325 --> 01:08:42,868
guess I'm just here with you."

1487
01:08:42,952 --> 01:08:44,495
[audience laughing]

1488
01:08:44,578 --> 01:08:46,330
You're like,
"Okay, let me get this straight."

1489
01:08:46,413 --> 01:08:51,085
"So, you don't believe in monogamy,
but you do believe in invisible money?"

1490
01:08:51,919 --> 01:08:54,255
[audience laughing]

1491
01:08:54,338 --> 01:08:57,800
I know. This is always very upsetting
to the men in shorts. Um…

1492
01:08:57,883 --> 01:08:59,677
[audience laughing]

1493
01:09:00,719 --> 01:09:03,264
But here's the thing.
I don't think we're doing crypto.

1494
01:09:03,347 --> 01:09:06,016
I don't think
the crypto thing is happening.

1495
01:09:06,100 --> 01:09:08,894
No one thought
the timing of crypto was a little shady?

1496
01:09:08,978 --> 01:09:13,023
As soon as women started making money,
guys were like, "Ah, money's over."

1497
01:09:13,107 --> 01:09:14,400
[audience laughing]

1498
01:09:15,151 --> 01:09:16,694
[groans sympathetically]

1499
01:09:18,070 --> 01:09:21,365
I'm like, "No, I just started
making money. I made this money."

1500
01:09:21,448 --> 01:09:23,409
"Yeah, sorry, sweetheart."

1501
01:09:23,492 --> 01:09:25,995
"That's gonna be toilet paper
in a couple years."

1502
01:09:26,078 --> 01:09:29,707
"Money is now an invisible code
in the sky. Good luck finding it, bitch."

1503
01:09:29,790 --> 01:09:31,000
Like, what?

1504
01:09:31,584 --> 01:09:34,128
I still cannot get a guy
to explain crypto to me.

1505
01:09:34,211 --> 01:09:37,089
As far as I understand,
it's just astrology for men.

1506
01:09:37,173 --> 01:09:38,132
I don't…

1507
01:09:38,215 --> 01:09:41,260
[audience laughing and cheering]

1508
01:09:41,343 --> 01:09:44,471
You guys'll be like,
"Yeah, my Ethereum coin is in retrograde."

1509
01:09:44,555 --> 01:09:47,641
I'm like, "Am I paying for dinner or not?"

1510
01:09:47,725 --> 01:09:49,518
"Like, I can't understand…"

1511
01:09:50,644 --> 01:09:53,230
I'm very serious
about being up-to-date on the news,

1512
01:09:53,314 --> 01:09:54,523
as long as it's free.

1513
01:09:55,649 --> 01:09:58,569
Anyone else hit one paywall,
and you're just fucking out?

1514
01:09:58,652 --> 01:09:59,904
[audience laughing]

1515
01:09:59,987 --> 01:10:03,073
The headline will be like,
"Are We Going to Nuclear War with China?"

1516
01:10:03,157 --> 01:10:05,075
I'm like, "Holy shit! Are we?"

1517
01:10:05,659 --> 01:10:06,827
"Two dollars…"

1518
01:10:06,911 --> 01:10:08,537
[audience laughing]

1519
01:10:08,621 --> 01:10:11,749
"…for 18 years
of The Wall Street Journal?"

1520
01:10:11,832 --> 01:10:14,668
"Get the fuck out of here with that shit."

1521
01:10:14,752 --> 01:10:15,753
[scattered applause]

1522
01:10:15,836 --> 01:10:19,798
I'll wait till Alex Jones tweets it
for free, like a real journalist.

1523
01:10:19,882 --> 01:10:20,966
[audience laughing]

1524
01:10:21,050 --> 01:10:24,887
[Whitney chuckles] You guys are awesome.
Thanks for coming out to the show.

1525
01:10:24,970 --> 01:10:28,432
-What an honor. Thank you.
-[audience cheering and applauding]

1526
01:10:28,515 --> 01:10:30,643
[chill music playing]

1527
01:10:30,726 --> 01:10:32,853
-How are you?
-[indistinct responses]

1528
01:10:32,937 --> 01:10:36,649
This is, like, a… very well-groomed crowd.

1529
01:10:36,732 --> 01:10:40,152
You know? Really, look at all
the brush marks in everybody's hair.

1530
01:10:40,236 --> 01:10:41,779
[audience laughing]

1531
01:10:41,862 --> 01:10:44,114
Ever have a friend
staying over at your house, and…

1532
01:10:44,615 --> 01:10:46,867
they go in the shower,
then you go in a couple hours later,

1533
01:10:46,951 --> 01:10:49,453
and one of their little hairs
is stuck on the wall of the shower?

1534
01:10:49,536 --> 01:10:50,496
[audience laughing]

1535
01:10:50,579 --> 01:10:52,957
And you wanna get rid of it,
but you don't wanna touch it.

1536
01:10:53,040 --> 01:10:54,708
[audience laughing]

1537
01:10:54,792 --> 01:10:56,669
You try and ignore it.
You're taking your shower,

1538
01:10:56,752 --> 01:10:59,255
you're looking at the hair,
it's looking at you. Can't ignore it.

1539
01:10:59,338 --> 01:11:01,882
You know it's there, it knows
you're there. Have to do something.

1540
01:11:01,966 --> 01:11:04,510
And we all respond
in the same way, probably.

1541
01:11:04,593 --> 01:11:06,971
First, take the shower head,
aim it at the hair.

1542
01:11:07,054 --> 01:11:09,056
[audience laughing]

1543
01:11:13,185 --> 01:11:14,144
Never works.

1544
01:11:14,228 --> 01:11:17,564
You always have to get a pool of water
from under the shower, walk to the hair…

1545
01:11:17,648 --> 01:11:19,400
[audience laughing]

1546
01:11:19,483 --> 01:11:21,694
…and get it down
a foot at a time, like this.

1547
01:11:21,777 --> 01:11:22,945
[audience laughing]

1548
01:11:23,028 --> 01:11:25,489
"It's moving down.
I'll be all right in a second."

1549
01:11:26,573 --> 01:11:28,158
But you don't have to touch it.

1550
01:11:28,242 --> 01:11:31,745
[audience applauding]

1551
01:11:32,955 --> 01:11:35,833
[chill music playing]

1552
01:11:38,377 --> 01:11:41,463
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Jo Koy!

1553
01:11:41,547 --> 01:11:44,008
[audience cheering and applauding]

1554
01:11:50,472 --> 01:11:51,515
Yes.

1555
01:11:52,349 --> 01:11:53,350
Thank you.

1556
01:11:55,436 --> 01:11:57,563
-[scattered cheering]
-I love it.

1557
01:11:59,356 --> 01:12:00,733
So…

1558
01:12:01,734 --> 01:12:07,239
So, uh… this is-- this is the dream gig
for every comic, right? So…

1559
01:12:07,323 --> 01:12:10,367
I… I wanted to play The Improv…

1560
01:12:10,451 --> 01:12:12,619
This is how old I am.
I'm gonna say my age, and it sucks.

1561
01:12:12,703 --> 01:12:15,414
I'm gonna make a reference. No one's
gonna know what I'm talking about.

1562
01:12:15,497 --> 01:12:19,084
It was on A&E's Evening at The Improv,
which was basically…

1563
01:12:19,168 --> 01:12:21,128
[scattered cheering and applause]

1564
01:12:21,211 --> 01:12:24,298
Which was basically
the internet for people my age.

1565
01:12:24,381 --> 01:12:25,966
[audience laughing]

1566
01:12:26,050 --> 01:12:28,302
You know what I mean?
Nothing works, 'cause my son's 20,

1567
01:12:28,385 --> 01:12:31,513
so every time I make
a reference to my age, he's like, "What?"

1568
01:12:31,597 --> 01:12:33,807
It sucks, 'cause I'm at that age now.

1569
01:12:33,891 --> 01:12:35,642
I just had a bunion removed, and…

1570
01:12:35,726 --> 01:12:37,519
[audience laughing]

1571
01:12:37,603 --> 01:12:40,731
Like, a bunion! Like, I don't know
if you saw when I walked up,

1572
01:12:40,814 --> 01:12:42,775
like, I wasn't trying to be cool.

1573
01:12:42,858 --> 01:12:46,945
-It was… my fucking left foot, done.
-[audience laughing]

1574
01:12:47,529 --> 01:12:48,614
Shot.

1575
01:12:48,697 --> 01:12:51,325
Fucking toe is chilling on the other toes…

1576
01:12:51,408 --> 01:12:52,451
[audience laughing]

1577
01:12:52,534 --> 01:12:53,994
It'll be like, my fucking--

1578
01:12:54,078 --> 01:12:57,164
My left big toe
is laying on the other toes, like…

1579
01:12:57,748 --> 01:12:59,625
Like, "You guys walk. We're good."

1580
01:12:59,708 --> 01:13:01,835
-And it was chillin'.
-[audience laughing]

1581
01:13:01,919 --> 01:13:05,339
And then it grew…
it grew a fucking… another bone.

1582
01:13:06,131 --> 01:13:07,049
Another bone.

1583
01:13:07,132 --> 01:13:10,469
So I had to cut that bone, shave it down,

1584
01:13:10,552 --> 01:13:14,098
and then they cut it in half
and put it together, and screw it.

1585
01:13:14,181 --> 01:13:16,809
That was two months ago, okay?

1586
01:13:17,768 --> 01:13:18,852
Fucking hurts.

1587
01:13:18,936 --> 01:13:21,105
[sympathetic laughter]

1588
01:13:22,356 --> 01:13:23,774
That's old-people shit.

1589
01:13:24,733 --> 01:13:28,362
My son doesn't get it, and I--
The thing about being a dad,

1590
01:13:28,445 --> 01:13:31,615
um, when your son
doesn't get old-people stuff,

1591
01:13:31,698 --> 01:13:34,952
I don't wanna sit there and like,
"You know, son," and explain it.

1592
01:13:35,035 --> 01:13:40,249
I just look at him and go, "I can't wait…
I can't wait for you to go through this."

1593
01:13:40,874 --> 01:13:42,793
[audience laughing]

1594
01:13:42,876 --> 01:13:46,046
"I can't wait for you to…" [laughs]

1595
01:13:46,630 --> 01:13:49,341
Let me-- okay,
let me-- okay, let me-- let me-- okay.

1596
01:13:49,967 --> 01:13:52,094
[Jo and audience laughing]

1597
01:13:54,388 --> 01:13:58,058
It was so funny, uh,
the beautiful people of The Improv

1598
01:13:58,142 --> 01:14:00,853
asked me to do this,
and they go, "What is your set list?"

1599
01:14:00,936 --> 01:14:04,314
And I go,
"Man, isn't the place called 'Improv'?"

1600
01:14:04,398 --> 01:14:07,067
[audience laughing]

1601
01:14:07,609 --> 01:14:09,611
That's… that's a fucking cheat.

1602
01:14:10,612 --> 01:14:13,532
You know what I mean?
You might as well call it "Set List."

1603
01:14:13,615 --> 01:14:15,242
[audience laughing]

1604
01:14:15,325 --> 01:14:18,495
So, if you guys are wondering
why I'm all over the place,

1605
01:14:18,579 --> 01:14:21,123
it's 'cause I'm doing
exactly what I'm supposed to do.

1606
01:14:21,206 --> 01:14:23,750
[audience cheering and applauding]

1607
01:14:28,505 --> 01:14:29,715
It's a skill.

1608
01:14:30,340 --> 01:14:31,842
I'm fucking blessed.

1609
01:14:31,925 --> 01:14:33,385
I have a talent.

1610
01:14:33,969 --> 01:14:34,970
God gave it to me.

1611
01:14:35,804 --> 01:14:36,763
[exclaims joyfully]

1612
01:14:37,723 --> 01:14:38,807
Fuck!

1613
01:14:38,891 --> 01:14:41,059
[audience laughing]

1614
01:14:41,143 --> 01:14:43,687
Recognize your talent right away
and encourage it, right?

1615
01:14:43,770 --> 01:14:46,148
If you have kids,
"What is it that you have?"

1616
01:14:46,231 --> 01:14:48,233
"What's your skill set?"
"I'm passionate about this."

1617
01:14:48,317 --> 01:14:49,401
Then fucking encourage them.

1618
01:14:49,485 --> 01:14:53,113
I grew up during a time where
that was not the right choice, right?

1619
01:14:53,197 --> 01:14:55,407
My mom, an immigrant from another country,

1620
01:14:55,491 --> 01:14:59,828
the minute I said I wanted to be a comic,
"What? Are you fucking kidding me?"

1621
01:14:59,912 --> 01:15:01,788
[audience laughing]

1622
01:15:01,872 --> 01:15:03,248
"A clown?"

1623
01:15:03,332 --> 01:15:04,708
[audience laughing]

1624
01:15:04,791 --> 01:15:06,793
"I gave birth to a clown?"

1625
01:15:06,877 --> 01:15:08,879
[audience laughing]

1626
01:15:14,009 --> 01:15:17,095
"You're Filipino, Joseph.
Everyone in the family is nurses."

1627
01:15:18,347 --> 01:15:19,973
"Be a nurse!"

1628
01:15:20,057 --> 01:15:23,644
"But, Mom… I'm failing high school."

1629
01:15:23,727 --> 01:15:25,979
[audience laughing]

1630
01:15:26,063 --> 01:15:28,482
"And you want me to save lives?"

1631
01:15:28,565 --> 01:15:30,317
[audience laughing]

1632
01:15:36,240 --> 01:15:38,992
So… I don't know.

1633
01:15:39,076 --> 01:15:40,118
[audience chuckling]

1634
01:15:40,202 --> 01:15:42,329
What I'm saying is, my son is 20.

1635
01:15:42,412 --> 01:15:44,456
[audience laughing]

1636
01:15:44,540 --> 01:15:46,041
[Jo laughs]

1637
01:15:46,124 --> 01:15:47,960
And, uh… and, you know,

1638
01:15:48,043 --> 01:15:51,296
at the beginning of this journey of mine,
working at The Improvs,

1639
01:15:51,380 --> 01:15:56,426
it was, you know, a lot of my mom saying,
"Joseph, you have a son now."

1640
01:15:57,553 --> 01:15:58,387
[clicks tongue]

1641
01:15:58,470 --> 01:16:02,724
"How would he feel
knowing that his dad is a clown?"

1642
01:16:02,808 --> 01:16:04,601
[audience laughing]

1643
01:16:04,685 --> 01:16:07,104
Like, really fucked-up and demeaning!

1644
01:16:07,187 --> 01:16:08,689
-See, the…
-[audience laughing]

1645
01:16:08,772 --> 01:16:11,191
Because where she's from, that's how you--

1646
01:16:11,775 --> 01:16:16,238
And I know now, like, the internet
has bonded us and has unified us,

1647
01:16:16,321 --> 01:16:18,907
and we've picked up
different cultures through the internet,

1648
01:16:18,991 --> 01:16:23,120
so everyone's kind of this melting pot
of… of something.

1649
01:16:23,203 --> 01:16:26,164
Whereas when I was a kid, my mom
knew nothing but where she was raised,

1650
01:16:26,248 --> 01:16:27,833
and how she was raised.

1651
01:16:27,916 --> 01:16:31,044
So if you're gonna be a clown, fuck that!

1652
01:16:31,670 --> 01:16:34,506
"I would've told your dad to pull out…"

1653
01:16:34,590 --> 01:16:36,842
[audience laughing]

1654
01:16:36,925 --> 01:16:39,011
"…if this batch was gonna be a clown."

1655
01:16:39,094 --> 01:16:41,013
[audience laughing]

1656
01:16:44,099 --> 01:16:45,767
And it kept going.

1657
01:16:47,019 --> 01:16:49,021
I worked every fucking job here, man.

1658
01:16:49,104 --> 01:16:51,189
Every fucking job, dude.

1659
01:16:51,273 --> 01:16:53,108
Marina del Rey,
there was a bunch of yachts,

1660
01:16:53,191 --> 01:16:55,110
and on the weekends,
I used to clean that shit,

1661
01:16:55,193 --> 01:16:59,489
just so I could come here
and do 10 minutes, or five minutes,

1662
01:16:59,573 --> 01:17:01,700
or whatever time it is that they gave me.

1663
01:17:01,783 --> 01:17:03,910
I didn't give a fuck. It was my dream.

1664
01:17:03,994 --> 01:17:06,538
I'm not gonna let my mom
tell me not to live my dream.

1665
01:17:06,622 --> 01:17:08,248
Dude, I know I'm supposed to do this shit.

1666
01:17:08,332 --> 01:17:10,500
"I'm a comic, Mom. I'm so fucking funny."

1667
01:17:10,584 --> 01:17:12,461
"I don't even know
what I was gonna say tonight,

1668
01:17:12,544 --> 01:17:15,339
and I fucking made you laugh
'cause I'm so good."

1669
01:17:15,422 --> 01:17:16,423
[audience laughing]

1670
01:17:16,506 --> 01:17:19,593
[audience cheering and applauding]

1671
01:17:24,181 --> 01:17:25,182
[Jo chuckles]

1672
01:17:25,682 --> 01:17:28,185
So all I'm saying is,
if you're gonna take that next step

1673
01:17:28,268 --> 01:17:33,065
and… and create… [chuckles] …not pull out…

1674
01:17:33,148 --> 01:17:34,775
[audience laughing]

1675
01:17:34,858 --> 01:17:37,402
…listen to them. Whatever it is
that they want, encourage them.

1676
01:17:37,486 --> 01:17:39,488
Let them have their own failures.

1677
01:17:39,571 --> 01:17:42,491
Let them fail, 'cause when you fail,
that's what makes you fucking good.

1678
01:17:42,574 --> 01:17:46,370
I didn't-- I wasn't…
I wasn't this good right away.

1679
01:17:46,453 --> 01:17:48,205
[all laughing]

1680
01:17:50,999 --> 01:17:52,584
I was fucking awful.

1681
01:17:53,752 --> 01:17:55,587
But now I'm so goddamn good.

1682
01:17:55,671 --> 01:17:56,630
[audience laughing]

1683
01:17:56,713 --> 01:17:58,632
I'm so goddamn good!

1684
01:17:58,715 --> 01:18:01,468
I'm so good
that even the jokes that I'm improvising,

1685
01:18:01,551 --> 01:18:05,555
at the end of it, I'm not going,
"Man, it's crazy out there."

1686
01:18:05,639 --> 01:18:06,723
[raucous laughter]

1687
01:18:08,934 --> 01:18:12,562
-[audience cheering]
-Mm-mm. I'm not.

1688
01:18:12,646 --> 01:18:15,524
I'm not. I don't look at anything.

1689
01:18:15,607 --> 01:18:17,734
I read the room, and I feel it.

1690
01:18:17,818 --> 01:18:20,570
You know what I mean?
I'm just fucking good.

1691
01:18:20,654 --> 01:18:21,863
And I gotta be on my A game

1692
01:18:21,947 --> 01:18:25,492
'cause my son is right there
in the back of the room.

1693
01:18:25,575 --> 01:18:29,788
I have videos of me touring
every fucking Improv in this country

1694
01:18:29,871 --> 01:18:31,665
with my son on my shoulder.

1695
01:18:31,748 --> 01:18:36,878
So, now I'm getting emotional,
but goddammit, this is amazing!

1696
01:18:36,962 --> 01:18:39,548
-[laughs emotionally]
-[audience cheering]

1697
01:18:44,219 --> 01:18:48,181
So when you hear your kids,
whatever it is that they want to be,

1698
01:18:48,265 --> 01:18:49,266
encourage them!

1699
01:18:49,349 --> 01:18:52,769
Even if you know in the back of your head
that they're gonna fuck up,

1700
01:18:52,853 --> 01:18:53,895
let 'em fuck up!

1701
01:18:53,979 --> 01:18:56,732
'Cause that's what you did.
That's why you have a child.

1702
01:18:56,815 --> 01:18:58,191
You fucked up!

1703
01:18:58,275 --> 01:19:00,277
[audience laughing]

1704
01:19:02,362 --> 01:19:03,280
So let 'em.

1705
01:19:03,363 --> 01:19:05,115
Let 'em make mistakes.

1706
01:19:05,198 --> 01:19:07,325
Let 'em do
whatever it is they're gonna do.

1707
01:19:07,409 --> 01:19:10,620
If they're gonna go, and not be a nurse,
and work four jobs

1708
01:19:10,704 --> 01:19:13,123
just to get
seven minutes' worth of stage time,

1709
01:19:13,206 --> 01:19:15,000
don't tell 'em that's a bad choice,

1710
01:19:15,083 --> 01:19:18,295
or compare 'em to somebody else
that's successful in the family.

1711
01:19:18,378 --> 01:19:20,213
"You know, your cousin's a doctor."

1712
01:19:20,297 --> 01:19:23,091
"You know, your other cousin's a nurse."

1713
01:19:23,592 --> 01:19:26,970
"All right, great."
I didn't let that change my mind.

1714
01:19:27,637 --> 01:19:28,930
I fucking did it.

1715
01:19:29,681 --> 01:19:32,267
And now look
who's buying the family houses.

1716
01:19:32,350 --> 01:19:33,977
[audience laughing and cheering]

1717
01:19:34,728 --> 01:19:35,771
The clown.

1718
01:19:36,855 --> 01:19:40,984
I love you guys. Happy birthday, Improv!
Sixty years, sixty more.

1719
01:19:41,067 --> 01:19:42,486
I love you guys, thank you.

1720
01:19:42,569 --> 01:19:44,571
[audience cheering and applauding]

1721
01:19:50,702 --> 01:19:54,706
[chill music playing]

1722
01:19:55,207 --> 01:19:58,877
[announcer] One more time
for Jo Koy, everybody!

1723
01:19:58,960 --> 01:20:00,545
[audience cheering]

1724
01:20:00,629 --> 01:20:01,713
[Jo] Oh.

1725
01:20:01,797 --> 01:20:02,798
[chill music stops]

1726
01:20:03,924 --> 01:20:06,510
-[man] Oh, okay.
-No, no, no, keep it rolling.

1727
01:20:06,593 --> 01:20:08,136
Where's my son? I gotta bring him up,

1728
01:20:08,220 --> 01:20:10,222
'cause this is a moment
I need to bring him up.

1729
01:20:10,305 --> 01:20:11,348
[audience cheering]

1730
01:20:11,431 --> 01:20:13,225
No, I want him on stage.

1731
01:20:13,975 --> 01:20:15,560
-There we go.
-[audience cheering]

1732
01:20:15,644 --> 01:20:20,398
This guy I took to every Improv with me,
and now look at him.

1733
01:20:20,482 --> 01:20:23,735
[audience cheering and applauding]

1734
01:20:24,945 --> 01:20:26,655
I love you guys. Thank you, again.

1735
01:20:30,992 --> 01:20:33,370
-[chill music continues]
-[applause continues]

1736
01:20:36,498 --> 01:20:38,250
[applause fades out]

1737
01:20:47,801 --> 01:20:49,010
[chill music fades out]