1
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:16,208
[sniffling]

2
00:00:16,291 --> 00:00:18,291
[woman sobbing softly]

3
00:00:19,291 --> 00:00:22,333
[woman sobbing]

4
00:00:27,250 --> 00:00:30,708
[woman continues sobbing]

5
00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:36,083
[multiple coworkers sobbing]

6
00:00:36,166 --> 00:00:38,166
[sobbing]

7
00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:44,083
[all sobbing]

8
00:00:47,750 --> 00:00:51,791
[somber music playing]

9
00:00:51,875 --> 00:00:53,125
[sobbing continues]

10
00:00:53,208 --> 00:00:54,291
[Donna] Oh.

11
00:00:54,375 --> 00:00:56,041
What the hell?

12
00:00:56,125 --> 00:00:58,541
[sobbing continues]

13
00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:17,416
Somebody's getting fired over this shit.

14
00:01:17,500 --> 00:01:18,833
[music and sobbing fade]

15
00:01:21,458 --> 00:01:24,291
[tense piano music playing]

16
00:01:34,750 --> 00:01:36,958
HR case number 7-dash-3.

17
00:01:37,583 --> 00:01:39,625
Or maybe it's 4. [sharp inhale]

18
00:01:39,708 --> 00:01:42,583
In the interest of providing
my summary of today's event

19
00:01:42,666 --> 00:01:45,208
as swiftly and as detailed as possible,

20
00:01:45,291 --> 00:01:49,458
I have not, as of yet, double-checked
with my previous case file numbers.

21
00:01:51,041 --> 00:01:54,500
At approximately 1100 hours today,

22
00:01:54,583 --> 00:01:57,458
an incident occurred
that can only be described

23
00:01:57,541 --> 00:02:00,500
as a spontaneous fit of hysteria.

24
00:02:00,583 --> 00:02:02,625
This convulsive wave of emotions

25
00:02:02,708 --> 00:02:05,833
seized the office for exactly
three and a half minutes

26
00:02:05,916 --> 00:02:07,416
before finally subsiding.

27
00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:10,166
[all sobbing softly]

28
00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:13,083
[wailing]

29
00:02:14,916 --> 00:02:17,458
I'm sorry, guys. I'm done.

30
00:02:21,083 --> 00:02:23,875
It's hard to pinpoint
what spurred today's events.

31
00:02:23,958 --> 00:02:28,208
Suffice it to say it is
but one of many erratic behaviors

32
00:02:28,291 --> 00:02:32,083
that have arisen here in the office
over the past few months.

33
00:02:32,166 --> 00:02:36,666
These include, but are not limited to,
chatter around the water cooler,

34
00:02:36,750 --> 00:02:39,000
spells of boisterous laughter,

35
00:02:39,083 --> 00:02:41,333
high-fives, low-fives,

36
00:02:41,416 --> 00:02:43,791
and, in one instance, a shoulder pat.

37
00:02:43,875 --> 00:02:48,375
Three weeks ago,
I was witness to a non-platonic hug.

38
00:02:48,458 --> 00:02:51,125
Dear listener, I believe these events

39
00:02:51,208 --> 00:02:55,833
are all somehow related to the emotional
display that occurred here today.

40
00:02:55,916 --> 00:03:00,750
Not only that, but their timeline
seems inextricably linked

41
00:03:00,833 --> 00:03:03,541
to the hiring of one employee.

42
00:03:06,458 --> 00:03:09,208
A Carol Daphne Kohl.

43
00:03:09,291 --> 00:03:11,500
Single. Childless.

44
00:03:11,583 --> 00:03:14,958
Emergency contact,
Bernard and Pauline Kohl.

45
00:03:15,458 --> 00:03:17,583
I believe lurking behind Carol…

46
00:03:20,458 --> 00:03:21,458
[recorder clicks]

47
00:03:30,708 --> 00:03:32,208
Hi, I'm Carol.

48
00:03:33,583 --> 00:03:35,583
Spiffy tie you got there, Bill.

49
00:03:37,166 --> 00:03:38,833
Oh, no! Shit. Shit. Shoot.

50
00:03:53,666 --> 00:03:54,625
[spits]

51
00:03:58,500 --> 00:04:01,875
[ticking]

52
00:04:01,958 --> 00:04:04,458
[ticking continues]

53
00:04:07,625 --> 00:04:09,416
She could destroy us.

54
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,000
-[recorder clicks]
-[ticking continues]

55
00:04:13,500 --> 00:04:14,958
[ticking fades]

56
00:04:15,041 --> 00:04:18,000
[faint birdsong]

57
00:04:21,666 --> 00:04:24,166
[gentle piano music playing]

58
00:04:25,708 --> 00:04:28,583
On the surface, Ms. Kohl
seems to be the perfect employee.

59
00:04:28,666 --> 00:04:33,250
Her docile demeanor emanates a certain
je ne sais quoi of dependability,

60
00:04:33,333 --> 00:04:37,333
and one would think her shyness
would keep her in line with the others.

61
00:04:37,416 --> 00:04:42,333
But beneath her benign presentation
lies a dangerous rebellious streak,

62
00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:46,375
one I fear has already begun
to infect the office.

63
00:04:48,083 --> 00:04:52,083
I first noticed Miss Kohl's behavior
on the Tuesday of April 7th.

64
00:04:52,166 --> 00:04:53,791
-[toilet flushes]
-[Carol] Sarah.

65
00:04:54,416 --> 00:04:56,375
-[toilet flushes]
-[Carol] Vanessa.

66
00:04:56,458 --> 00:04:58,416
-[toilet flushes]
-[Carol] Francine.

67
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,833
Names are designations of who we are.

68
00:05:01,916 --> 00:05:06,125
When recalled,
they create a measure of familiarity.

69
00:05:06,208 --> 00:05:09,541
When your name is spoken,
a type of intimacy is created.

70
00:05:09,625 --> 00:05:12,625
You are no longer
just a stranger or coworker,

71
00:05:12,708 --> 00:05:18,208
you are now an acquaintance
with the possibility of more.

72
00:05:18,291 --> 00:05:19,500
-Tim.
-[coughing]

73
00:05:19,583 --> 00:05:20,666
Joe.

74
00:05:20,750 --> 00:05:23,750
Alyssa. James. Cathy.

75
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,291
This was ultimately followed
by an incident

76
00:05:35,375 --> 00:05:39,041
where Miss Kohl led eight other members
of the office onto the roof

77
00:05:39,125 --> 00:05:44,500
for an unsolicited wake
for a one David Douglas Seaver.

78
00:05:44,583 --> 00:05:47,791
The incident resulted in the time theft of

79
00:05:48,708 --> 00:05:50,750
eight minutes and 43 seconds.

80
00:05:50,833 --> 00:05:51,958
[recorder clicks]

81
00:05:54,666 --> 00:05:58,541
[HR woman] Since then, the antics
of Miss Kohl have only become more brazen.

82
00:06:02,583 --> 00:06:06,791
On April 15th, Miss Kohl set about
decorating her workspace,

83
00:06:06,875 --> 00:06:11,000
using treasured possessions
to inject personality

84
00:06:11,083 --> 00:06:13,041
in and around her desk.

85
00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:17,208
Personally, I do not believe
the office is an appropriate place

86
00:06:17,291 --> 00:06:19,791
to display your financial dependents,

87
00:06:19,875 --> 00:06:22,375
but I understand the general sentiment.

88
00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:27,375
I, on the other hand,
have no tolerance for such kitsch,

89
00:06:27,458 --> 00:06:30,458
particularly Miss Kohl's collection
of ceramic mice.

90
00:06:31,541 --> 00:06:37,125
Slowly but surely, the contagion
spread among the rank and file.

91
00:06:37,208 --> 00:06:40,791
A rash of tchotchkes, photographs,

92
00:06:40,875 --> 00:06:45,291
constellations of personal artifacts
all on display.

93
00:06:45,375 --> 00:06:48,458
The faint flickering of private lives

94
00:06:48,541 --> 00:06:52,708
here… in our office.

95
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:57,166
Just like that,

96
00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:01,583
the professionalism this office
had come to so embody was gone.

97
00:07:02,916 --> 00:07:06,500
Miss Kohl had altered it,
perhaps irrevocably.

98
00:07:07,250 --> 00:07:11,000
Brief aside, Miss Kohl requisitioned
a tier-one company vehicle

99
00:07:11,083 --> 00:07:14,375
in the commission of a work-related matter
several weeks ago.

100
00:07:14,458 --> 00:07:19,541
Since then, she has used said vehicle
almost daily for personal matters.

101
00:07:19,625 --> 00:07:20,708
Unacceptable.

102
00:07:21,791 --> 00:07:26,458
Fortunately for the office, I managed
to get the drop on her next move.

103
00:07:26,541 --> 00:07:28,666
[melancholy orchestral music playing]

104
00:07:28,750 --> 00:07:31,416
[HR woman] An unauthorized lunch swap.

105
00:07:34,625 --> 00:07:36,375
Social lunches,

106
00:07:36,458 --> 00:07:40,250
particularly those involving swapping,
trading, or pot-lucking

107
00:07:40,333 --> 00:07:42,541
are a gateway to camaraderie.

108
00:07:43,166 --> 00:07:47,666
When one finds out another also
likes tomatoes in their pesto pasta,

109
00:07:47,750 --> 00:07:49,791
it forges an understanding,

110
00:07:49,875 --> 00:07:52,791
an understanding that forms a bridge

111
00:07:52,875 --> 00:07:55,666
that invariably leads to friendship.

112
00:07:58,166 --> 00:07:59,708
Now, because of tomatoes,

113
00:07:59,791 --> 00:08:02,166
you have someone
to spend coffee breaks with

114
00:08:02,250 --> 00:08:04,000
and tell your secrets to.

115
00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:13,375
Even a simple potato frittata

116
00:08:13,458 --> 00:08:16,500
could make someone feel more loyal
to their new coworker

117
00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:18,375
than to their duties.

118
00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:23,916
But, gentle listener,
this is only the beginning.

119
00:08:25,250 --> 00:08:28,250
Miss Kohl's friendship offensive
found its first victims

120
00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:31,625
in two previously-reliable employees,

121
00:08:31,708 --> 00:08:34,041
beginning with one Donna Shaw.

122
00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:39,458
African-American, divorced, five children,

123
00:08:39,541 --> 00:08:41,500
astigmatism in both eyes,

124
00:08:41,583 --> 00:08:46,416
Miss Shaw is what we call
in Human Resources "an ideal employee."

125
00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:48,625
Dependable, task-oriented,

126
00:08:48,708 --> 00:08:51,625
thrives on the sense of purpose
work provides,

127
00:08:51,708 --> 00:08:53,916
or at least she did.

128
00:08:55,375 --> 00:08:57,958
Precisely what led
this paragon of diligence

129
00:08:58,041 --> 00:09:00,791
-to ally with Miss Kohl cannot be known.
-[sniffing]

130
00:09:00,875 --> 00:09:03,666
But it is a great loss to our cause.

131
00:09:04,416 --> 00:09:05,416
C'est la vie.

132
00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:11,291
The third member of this insurrectionary
triumvirate is something of an enigma.

133
00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:18,041
On the surface, Luis Felipe Jacinto
seemed like any adequate employee.

134
00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:19,000
[shutter clicks]

135
00:09:19,083 --> 00:09:24,083
Habitually on-time, hard-working,
by all accounts entirely unremarkable.

136
00:09:24,166 --> 00:09:26,000
But as I looked closer,

137
00:09:26,083 --> 00:09:33,083
I began to observe in him an inexplicable
and frankly unsettling joie de vivre,

138
00:09:33,166 --> 00:09:37,375
an effervescent lust for life
that the routine and rigor of the office

139
00:09:37,458 --> 00:09:39,083
had perhaps suppressed,

140
00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:42,583
only for Miss Kohl to draw it out.

141
00:09:46,166 --> 00:09:51,541
I can't really sing along, so sometimes
I just accompany her with my recorder.

142
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:54,916
You can play Whitney Houston
on a recorder? [laughs]

143
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,958
I brought it to a concert once
but was too afraid to play it.

144
00:09:59,041 --> 00:10:00,416
[HR woman] Over time,

145
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:04,625
these three have managed to foment
a sense of unity among the workforce

146
00:10:04,708 --> 00:10:08,000
through a variety
of disruptive activities.

147
00:10:08,083 --> 00:10:10,583
The creation of a lunchtime Spanish club.

148
00:10:10,666 --> 00:10:13,541
Buenos días. Me llamo Donna.

149
00:10:13,625 --> 00:10:15,458
[Luis speaking Spanish]

150
00:10:15,541 --> 00:10:16,833
[all] Hola, Donna.

151
00:10:17,833 --> 00:10:19,708
[HR woman] Weekly tanning sessions.

152
00:10:20,958 --> 00:10:24,458
Multiple instances
in which Miss Kohl played matchmaker,

153
00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:28,958
resulting in several couplings
and at least one polyamorous quad.

154
00:10:29,708 --> 00:10:31,583
-The arrival of a stray dog.
-[dog yipping]

155
00:10:31,666 --> 00:10:34,083
Check it out!
This little guy followed us in!

156
00:10:34,166 --> 00:10:35,791
Anybody want to name him?

157
00:10:35,875 --> 00:10:36,916
Amaya?

158
00:10:37,708 --> 00:10:39,583
Leonard? Suzanne?

159
00:10:39,666 --> 00:10:44,375
And the gradual individualization
of the Terrys.

160
00:10:44,458 --> 00:10:46,000
-Terry B.
-Thank you, Carol.

161
00:10:46,083 --> 00:10:47,583
-Terry L.
-I appreciate it, Carol.

162
00:10:47,666 --> 00:10:48,833
-Terry P.
-Thanks, Carol.

163
00:10:48,916 --> 00:10:50,416
-Terry F.
-Danke schoen, Carol.

164
00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:52,916
-Terry C.
-Much obliged, Carol.

165
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:58,250
All of which leads me to Miss Kohl's
latest and most consequential disruption,

166
00:10:58,333 --> 00:11:02,250
which I believe accounts for
the other day's upsetting disturbance.

167
00:11:02,333 --> 00:11:04,208
I am of course speaking of--

168
00:11:04,291 --> 00:11:06,291
[knocking on door]

169
00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:08,125
-Sorry to bother.
-What's going on?

170
00:11:08,208 --> 00:11:11,083
-We were wondering about your report.
-Why isn't it ready?

171
00:11:11,166 --> 00:11:12,958
It should be done. You've had two days.

172
00:11:13,041 --> 00:11:14,458
These investigations take time.

173
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:16,875
-I'm going as fast as I can.
-[both] Very well.

174
00:11:16,958 --> 00:11:18,666
Don't forget to keep us in the loop, okay?

175
00:11:18,750 --> 00:11:21,083
I want an email summarizing everything.

176
00:11:21,166 --> 00:11:22,583
This is really a shame.

177
00:11:22,666 --> 00:11:24,041
Rather disappointing.

178
00:11:26,166 --> 00:11:30,250
-[vacuum cleaner whirring]
-[somber string music playing]

179
00:11:42,375 --> 00:11:45,750
I'm thinking about
finally getting some new insoles.

180
00:11:46,791 --> 00:11:48,541
Something with arch support.

181
00:11:49,833 --> 00:11:53,875
Probably with some heel protection
for walking on concrete.

182
00:11:53,958 --> 00:11:57,250
Something in the gel family,
but not too soft.

183
00:11:57,333 --> 00:11:59,458
-Something on the firmer--
-Bernard.

184
00:11:59,541 --> 00:12:00,708
Oh.

185
00:12:00,791 --> 00:12:02,416
-[Michael] Pauline.
-Okay.

186
00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:05,166
You've both been
by my side over the years and--

187
00:12:05,250 --> 00:12:09,291
[gasps] Oh my God! How wonderful!

188
00:12:09,375 --> 00:12:12,791
Of course, Michael! Of course!

189
00:12:14,916 --> 00:12:17,041
[woman on radio]
And with Keppler's gravitational pull

190
00:12:17,125 --> 00:12:18,958
slowing Earth's rotation,

191
00:12:19,041 --> 00:12:23,208
get ready for 19-hour days
and 19-hour nights.

192
00:12:23,833 --> 00:12:25,458
I'm gonna eat you up!

193
00:12:25,541 --> 00:12:28,666
Yes, I am. Eat you right up. Ay!

194
00:12:28,750 --> 00:12:30,375
No scratchies, Pablo.

195
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:32,541
No scratchies.

196
00:12:42,625 --> 00:12:44,625
[ticking]

197
00:12:48,083 --> 00:12:49,416
As I was saying,

198
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:51,125
the previously-outlined events

199
00:12:51,208 --> 00:12:55,833
have led me to Miss Kohl's
latest and most volatile disruption,

200
00:12:55,916 --> 00:13:00,041
which I believe accounts
for this week's upsetting disturbance…

201
00:13:00,125 --> 00:13:01,791
Applebee's.

202
00:13:02,541 --> 00:13:05,625
I am of course referring to Applebee's.

203
00:13:05,708 --> 00:13:06,666
[ticking fades]

204
00:13:07,708 --> 00:13:11,208
[ominous music swells]

205
00:13:13,791 --> 00:13:16,791
Come on, Luis. It's time to go.

206
00:13:16,875 --> 00:13:19,333
Wait, just one more number.

207
00:13:20,041 --> 00:13:22,416
Seven. Nine.

208
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:23,666
That's two numbers.

209
00:13:23,750 --> 00:13:25,250
It's a big number, Donna.

210
00:13:26,375 --> 00:13:29,000
-Four. Eight.
-[keyboard clacking]

211
00:13:29,083 --> 00:13:31,916
-Heading home?
-[Donna] Trying to. Luis is stalling.

212
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,083
Yeah. I hate leaving too.

213
00:13:34,166 --> 00:13:36,333
[Luis] Shh.
You're making me lose my place.

214
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:39,958
Four and zero.

215
00:13:40,041 --> 00:13:44,375
$794,840.

216
00:13:45,166 --> 00:13:46,333
[Luis sighs]

217
00:13:46,416 --> 00:13:48,333
Why is this part always so hard?

218
00:13:48,416 --> 00:13:51,833
It's just how it is.
Your work will be here tomorrow.

219
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:57,166
You know, we don't have to.

220
00:13:57,250 --> 00:14:00,833
-What?
-I mean, we can, like, hang out.

221
00:14:00,916 --> 00:14:02,666
Remember that night with David?

222
00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:05,166
Oh, that was so much fun.

223
00:14:05,250 --> 00:14:08,583
We were dragging around a dead body
and you had a nervous breakdown.

224
00:14:08,666 --> 00:14:12,166
And not to mention,
my trunk is still fucked.

225
00:14:12,250 --> 00:14:14,416
But, like, without all that.

226
00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:15,833
No dead body?

227
00:14:15,916 --> 00:14:17,708
No dead body.

228
00:14:17,791 --> 00:14:18,750
Hmm.

229
00:14:18,833 --> 00:14:19,708
Drinks?

230
00:14:19,791 --> 00:14:21,916
At a bar? Lord, no.

231
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,166
I'd rather be in bed.

232
00:14:23,250 --> 00:14:27,041
Huh. Too many crazies
letting it all hang every which way.

233
00:14:27,125 --> 00:14:30,041
-Makes it impossible to do anything.
-Yeah.

234
00:14:32,291 --> 00:14:34,875
If only there was a place
that was like the office.

235
00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:37,541
Quiet, free of all that stuff out there.

236
00:14:38,541 --> 00:14:41,041
Guys, guys, I know a place.

237
00:14:41,125 --> 00:14:43,500
-[upbeat electronic music playing]
-A home away from home.

238
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:47,708
A casual spot,
decorated with unique flair,

239
00:14:47,791 --> 00:14:51,333
filled with comfortable seats
and bottomless drinks.

240
00:14:51,416 --> 00:14:52,500
And best of all--

241
00:14:52,583 --> 00:14:55,708
Is it close? I'm only going if it's close.

242
00:14:55,791 --> 00:14:57,833
Oh, it's in the neighborhood.

243
00:14:57,916 --> 00:14:59,416
Well, then, lead the way.

244
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:00,666
How fun!

245
00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:02,750
Hey! Can I come too?

246
00:15:02,833 --> 00:15:04,250
That kind of sounds like fun.

247
00:15:04,333 --> 00:15:06,291
Um… Sure.

248
00:15:06,375 --> 00:15:07,208
Yeah.

249
00:15:07,291 --> 00:15:09,375
Great. I'll pack my stuff.

250
00:15:09,458 --> 00:15:12,750
I swear to God,
he better not end up in my trunk.

251
00:15:13,458 --> 00:15:15,250
[slurping loudly]

252
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,333
Damn, Carol.

253
00:15:18,416 --> 00:15:21,166
If I knew you
could make an Appletini like this,

254
00:15:21,250 --> 00:15:23,791
we would have been
doing this from the start.

255
00:15:23,875 --> 00:15:25,750
[laughs]

256
00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:27,375
What can I say?

257
00:15:27,458 --> 00:15:28,583
I don't know.

258
00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:30,208
Girl's got a gift.

259
00:15:30,291 --> 00:15:32,083
[snickers] Carol's blasted.

260
00:15:32,166 --> 00:15:33,666
[both laughing]

261
00:15:33,750 --> 00:15:35,500
We should do this more often.

262
00:15:35,583 --> 00:15:38,166
Yeah! Like, every week.

263
00:15:38,250 --> 00:15:39,208
I'm down.

264
00:15:39,791 --> 00:15:41,375
I love you guys.

265
00:15:41,458 --> 00:15:42,666
Yup.

266
00:15:42,750 --> 00:15:45,291
Sounds like a plan.

267
00:15:45,375 --> 00:15:48,166
[upbeat music continues]

268
00:16:00,791 --> 00:16:03,541
[whispers] It's called "Applebee's."

269
00:16:03,625 --> 00:16:06,166
Applebee's? Wait, but aren't they…?

270
00:16:07,750 --> 00:16:09,625
[Carol, Donna, and Luis] Terrys!

271
00:16:09,708 --> 00:16:11,250
[slurping loudly]

272
00:16:18,083 --> 00:16:19,958
Have I met them?

273
00:16:29,541 --> 00:16:31,541
[all] Chloe!

274
00:16:31,625 --> 00:16:33,375
Carol!

275
00:16:33,458 --> 00:16:36,250
[Carol] Oh, sorry. I was already here.
I just stepped out to--

276
00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:37,875
[all] Patrick!

277
00:16:50,041 --> 00:16:52,041
[indistinct chatter]

278
00:16:52,541 --> 00:16:53,875
[all] Andrew!

279
00:16:56,416 --> 00:16:58,416
[ice rattling]

280
00:17:01,333 --> 00:17:03,208
Heather! Take over.

281
00:17:03,291 --> 00:17:05,416
My arms are getting tired.

282
00:17:06,166 --> 00:17:08,250
Next question.

283
00:17:08,333 --> 00:17:11,125
"What is a group of turkeys called?"

284
00:17:11,208 --> 00:17:12,583
[coworkers murmuring]

285
00:17:12,666 --> 00:17:15,666
Ah, Nine-to-fivers.
I see you trying to cheat.

286
00:17:15,750 --> 00:17:17,541
Sit your ass back down.

287
00:17:20,166 --> 00:17:21,458
Who likes tacos?

288
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:24,083
[cheering]

289
00:17:28,333 --> 00:17:30,041
["Love is a Battlefield" playing]

290
00:17:30,125 --> 00:17:34,458
♪ Searching our hearts for so long ♪

291
00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:38,250
♪ Both of us knowing… ♪

292
00:17:38,333 --> 00:17:40,458
[coworkers chattering]

293
00:17:40,541 --> 00:17:41,666
Cheers.

294
00:17:41,750 --> 00:17:43,875
To happy hour.

295
00:17:43,958 --> 00:17:45,416
To happy hour.

296
00:17:46,416 --> 00:17:47,875
-[music fades]
-[crickets chirping]

297
00:17:47,958 --> 00:17:49,958
[somber piano music playing]

298
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:07,208
[HR woman] Dear listener, I must apologize
for what you are about to hear.

299
00:18:07,291 --> 00:18:10,541
You must believe me when I say
I entered into this investigation

300
00:18:10,625 --> 00:18:12,541
with the purest of intentions,

301
00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:17,416
to identify an existential threat
to our office and root it out.

302
00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:22,250
In this, I have failed.

303
00:18:23,541 --> 00:18:28,166
When I first learned
of the quote-unquote "happy hour,"

304
00:18:28,958 --> 00:18:30,791
I could scarcely believe it.

305
00:18:32,250 --> 00:18:35,125
-[woman 1] What time are you going?
-[woman 2] Right after work.

306
00:18:35,208 --> 00:18:36,208
I can't wait.

307
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,416
[HR woman] So I was determined
to see it with my own eyes.

308
00:18:42,750 --> 00:18:46,625
Dear listener, it's difficult
to describe what I found there.

309
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:48,791
On the surface,

310
00:18:48,875 --> 00:18:53,500
just a group of coworkers enjoying
themselves at a casual bar and grill,

311
00:18:53,583 --> 00:18:55,125
but it was more than that.

312
00:18:55,916 --> 00:18:57,875
That place had a feeling.

313
00:18:58,791 --> 00:19:00,291
A strength.

314
00:19:03,375 --> 00:19:06,208
If the office was to be saved,
it had to be stopped.

315
00:19:06,291 --> 00:19:08,125
[all] HR!

316
00:19:08,208 --> 00:19:10,083
['80s pop guitar riff plays]

317
00:19:10,166 --> 00:19:13,125
But that's not what happened.

318
00:19:14,083 --> 00:19:16,541
[HR woman]
My initial plan was to blend in.

319
00:19:16,625 --> 00:19:19,041
I quickly found that to be impossible.

320
00:19:19,791 --> 00:19:22,750
In the office, I found it easy
to remain anonymous,

321
00:19:22,833 --> 00:19:25,708
another cog
in the machine of The Distraction.

322
00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:32,083
But here in this strange Elysium
of Miss Kohl's creation,

323
00:19:32,166 --> 00:19:34,083
everyone had a name.

324
00:19:34,166 --> 00:19:35,875
Everyone was known.

325
00:19:35,958 --> 00:19:37,541
Everyone was family.

326
00:19:39,125 --> 00:19:43,166
In time,
despite all my grand designs of sabotage,

327
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:44,958
I was too.

328
00:19:45,041 --> 00:19:48,791
I told myself I was getting to know
these people for the investigation.

329
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,500
Playing bingo for the investigation.

330
00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:56,416
Bingo! Hot damn! I got bingo!

331
00:19:57,708 --> 00:20:00,291
[HR woman]
Singing karaoke for the investigation.

332
00:20:01,083 --> 00:20:03,458
-♪ Don't you ♪
-[coworkers cheering]

333
00:20:03,541 --> 00:20:05,416
♪ Forget about me ♪

334
00:20:06,291 --> 00:20:09,458
♪ Oh, don't, don't, don't, don't ♪

335
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,333
♪ Don't you ♪

336
00:20:12,125 --> 00:20:13,958
♪ Forget about me ♪

337
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:19,166
♪ As you walk on by ♪

338
00:20:20,458 --> 00:20:22,916
♪ Will you call my name? ♪

339
00:20:25,583 --> 00:20:27,000
[pop music fades]

340
00:20:27,083 --> 00:20:29,416
[somber piano music playing]

341
00:20:47,500 --> 00:20:52,833
[HR woman] In truth, I'd succumbed
to the very virus I'd set out to destroy,

342
00:20:52,916 --> 00:20:57,208
the virus that now threatens
to destroy our precious Distraction…

343
00:21:06,250 --> 00:21:08,166
Attachment.

344
00:21:09,958 --> 00:21:11,375
[knocking on door]

345
00:21:11,458 --> 00:21:14,375
-I think we have a problem here.
-Where is that goddamn report?

346
00:21:14,458 --> 00:21:16,833
-We really need that report.
-I'm almost done.

347
00:21:16,916 --> 00:21:19,041
[manager 1] Do you even understand
what's at stake here?

348
00:21:19,125 --> 00:21:21,083
-[manager 2] I want it on my desk now!
-Of course.

349
00:21:21,166 --> 00:21:22,875
This reflects poorly on everyone.

350
00:21:22,958 --> 00:21:25,250
You are fucking up big-time.

351
00:21:26,208 --> 00:21:27,500
Fuckin' up.

352
00:21:31,166 --> 00:21:33,291
[somber ambient music playing]

353
00:21:33,375 --> 00:21:37,916
It had been two weeks since the last
happy hour when the disturbance occurred.

354
00:21:41,958 --> 00:21:44,125
[HR woman] Following my investigation,

355
00:21:44,208 --> 00:21:47,875
I have determined
that the spontaneous fit of hysteria

356
00:21:47,958 --> 00:21:49,791
that gripped our office several days ago

357
00:21:49,875 --> 00:21:53,458
was in fact not spontaneous but triggered.

358
00:21:54,166 --> 00:21:58,708
Triggered by emotional attachments
formed among the people of this office.

359
00:21:59,750 --> 00:22:03,583
What began with Miss Kohl learning
the names of her coworkers

360
00:22:03,666 --> 00:22:06,833
has since evolved
into a kind of community.

361
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,750
A community of people
who care for each other,

362
00:22:14,250 --> 00:22:16,958
who have chosen to care for each other,

363
00:22:17,041 --> 00:22:23,208
in spite of the pain that might entail,
given the current circumstances.

364
00:22:25,208 --> 00:22:28,708
Now, in the middle of the day,
when an employee looks at her coworker,

365
00:22:28,791 --> 00:22:31,541
she doesn't see
an Accounts Receivable clerk.

366
00:22:32,666 --> 00:22:34,125
She sees Bruce.

367
00:22:36,333 --> 00:22:37,250
Or Casey.

368
00:22:39,291 --> 00:22:40,500
Or Amanda.

369
00:22:45,208 --> 00:22:47,416
Not just coworkers, but friends.

370
00:22:48,541 --> 00:22:54,458
Friends she knows she will
one day very soon lose forever.

371
00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:56,541
[whooshing]

372
00:22:58,291 --> 00:23:00,291
[HR woman] These fits of emotion
will only get worse

373
00:23:00,375 --> 00:23:02,166
as the months and weeks count down,

374
00:23:02,791 --> 00:23:06,416
setting the stage for the complete
implosion of The Distraction.

375
00:23:07,333 --> 00:23:11,916
Our seal against the sentimental chaos
of the outside world has shattered,

376
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,791
our vital routine arrested.

377
00:23:14,625 --> 00:23:17,458
Keppler's song has breached
these precious walls,

378
00:23:17,541 --> 00:23:21,833
and now not even
the wail of the copier can drown it out.

379
00:23:21,916 --> 00:23:25,583
What follows is grief and madness,

380
00:23:26,750 --> 00:23:29,666
and it is without question
that the blame for this

381
00:23:29,750 --> 00:23:32,250
lies at the very feet of one--

382
00:23:32,333 --> 00:23:33,333
[knocking]

383
00:23:34,250 --> 00:23:36,625
-Hi.
-Hi.

384
00:23:36,708 --> 00:23:37,875
Sorry.

385
00:23:37,958 --> 00:23:41,458
I was just wondering
if you're coming to happy hour tonight.

386
00:23:41,958 --> 00:23:43,208
Um…

387
00:23:43,291 --> 00:23:44,625
No. Not tonight.

388
00:23:44,708 --> 00:23:49,291
Oh, okay. Well, we missed you
the last couple weeks.

389
00:23:51,041 --> 00:23:53,500
Okay. Good night, Kathleen.

390
00:23:54,666 --> 00:23:56,166
What did you call me?

391
00:23:56,250 --> 00:23:57,458
Kathleen.

392
00:23:57,541 --> 00:23:58,875
That's your name, right?

393
00:23:59,625 --> 00:24:02,208
Oh, no! Did I get it wrong?

394
00:24:03,375 --> 00:24:04,833
No, you didn't.

395
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,458
Oh, okay.

396
00:24:09,125 --> 00:24:11,458
Well, see you tomorrow.

397
00:24:11,541 --> 00:24:14,375
[dramatic orchestral music playing]

398
00:24:17,041 --> 00:24:19,041
[crying silently]

399
00:24:30,708 --> 00:24:34,458
This concludes HR case number 7-dash…

400
00:24:35,458 --> 00:24:37,416
This concludes the investigation.

401
00:24:38,250 --> 00:24:39,458
Note to listener,

402
00:24:39,541 --> 00:24:44,166
my determination
regarding employee Carol Daphne Kohl

403
00:24:44,250 --> 00:24:46,958
is supplemented here in a written report.

404
00:24:47,750 --> 00:24:51,000
[orchestral music intensifies]

405
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:56,000
[inaudible]

406
00:25:08,500 --> 00:25:11,041
So, what do you say, Carol?

407
00:25:12,250 --> 00:25:14,083
[Donna and Luis imitate Carol]
This is nice.

408
00:25:14,166 --> 00:25:15,416
[Luis chuckles]

409
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:17,041
But it is.

410
00:25:19,125 --> 00:25:20,125
Really.

411
00:25:34,791 --> 00:25:37,250
[orchestral music continues]

412
00:25:41,166 --> 00:25:43,875
Is anyone missing keys for a Honda?

413
00:25:44,666 --> 00:25:45,958
Thank you.

414
00:25:46,041 --> 00:25:50,083
I feel like most people
don't even notice I'm wearing earrings.

415
00:25:52,500 --> 00:25:54,291
Good night, Kathleen.

416
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:58,500
[orchestral music becomes dissonant]

417
00:25:58,583 --> 00:26:00,958
[low rumbling]

418
00:26:01,041 --> 00:26:04,666
-[wistful pop music playing]
-♪ Beyond the break ♪

419
00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:08,916
♪ You'll find another name ♪

420
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:13,083
♪ A deeper guy ♪