- All rise. - Hey, y'all, I'm Ms. Pat,
and I know the inside of a courtroom.
Man, that girl is innocent!
You ain't the damn judge.
Get ready to see real cases.
I want you out of my house.
Real drama and real money on the line.
I gave her my kidney.
Give it back.
And I'm bringing my friends to court as my jury.
Lock her ass up!
Y'all may have started this mess,
but you know I'm gonna settle it.
Ms. Pat, Ms. Pat.
- You droppin' teeth. - See, that's my tooth.
- You smokin' dope. - That was my asthma pump.
Y'all must have a good time together.
BOTH: We do.
All rise, because court is back in session.
♪♪♪
She's more dangerous with a gavel
than your ex is with your password.
All rise, for Ms. Pat.
MS. PAT: Y'all can have a seat.
Hey, jury!
CARMEN: What's up, Pat? There's 12 of us today.
- Twelve? - Oh, yeah.
There's two right there, Jasmin and the little one.
Me, Karlous, Safaree, three chickens, a duck,
a rabbit, one chinchilla.
All right, bailiff, you ready to get started?
BAILIFF: Yes, ma'am.
This is the case of Brewer versus Thomas.
ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff Xica Brewer is suing her friend
and former business partner, Taj, for $2,560
after she claims Taj abandoned their new massage parlor
to pursue singing superstardom.
Defendant Taj Thomas says her heart
wasn't in the massage business and a real friend
would support her in her karaoke career.
Y'all swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Before we get started, I just want to tell y'all
this jury ain't here to play fair.
They're here to watch and roll their damn eyes at y'all.
[laughter]
All right, Xica, tell me why we're here.
Well, Your Honor, we're here today because
I am suing my former business partner, slash,
possible best friend still, for $2,560
because she left me high and dry on our massage business.
She was there for maybe three months,
and then out of nowhere it was like,
I decided our new lease.
She's like, "I want to be the karaoke queen."
Ooh, child.
Y'all know my friend don't even sing.
She rap.
And I've just been stuck.
I've been having to pay all the bills
because I'm trying to not lose my business.
I need my money.
MS. PAT: Taj, what's your side of the story?
Well, Your Honor, I told Xica,
I said, look, this business not working out for me.
I was having like, one client a week.
What is that going to do?
I called it quits, I'm like, I can't do this.
And I did give her at least a 30-day notice before I left.
She left me a text message to vote for her
in the contest and said she was out.
I got two questions.
What's a karaoke queen and do you get paid?
XICA: Yes.
Everyone knows me in Atlanta as a karaoke queen.
- I don't know. - [laughter]
She know I'm a karaoke queen.
She know I karaoke all the time.
When I left the business, I joined a karaoke contest,
a national contest where you can win $10,000.
I didn't make it to the top ten,
- but almost to the end. - MS. PAT: Okay.
And unfortunately, I didn't get the $10,000
so I could pay her.
So did you hope somebody would find you
to howl in a movie?
No, actually, I've had people approach me about
doing opening acts for different artists.
Xica, how did you and Taj become friends?
We actually met a few years ago at a trap karaoke,
and we became locked in ever since then.
But I also had my massage business for over ten years,
and she at the time was in massage school.
I said, well, hey, friend,
there's a suite right next door to me.
Why don't I get that suite and I can sublease to you
and we can work together as a team?
How long was this lease, Xica?
It was for three years.
Three years?
I have a lease, with her signature.
If you could read them karaoke screens and rap,
you should have read this lease, friend,
and seen it said three years.
- SAFAREE: Oh. - CARMEN: She just read you.
The rent was only $612?
- I'd have lived there. - [laughter]
- That have been my house. - And that's because I was
grandfathered into that location,
so not only was I trying
to grow our business, but I was helping my friend.
- You got any pictures of it? - I do.
It was a good area for us, Your Honor.
JASMIN: Oh, that's nice.
CARMEN: Okay, they got the little suite set up.
XICA: We had celebrity clients, we had athletes.
We put a lot of money into that building.
We was going to do fitness together, do the massages.
We even offered four-hand massages
with two girls, one body.
- How much does that run? - [laughter]
She walked out on me, so I may be using
my hands and my feet.
- Oh, how much is that? - [laughter]
How long was she there participating
before she got the buzz of being a karaoke queen?
- Three months. - What?
That was like, immediate.
She's rapped her way out of there.
Yeah, pretty much.
Xica, can you break down the $2560
that you're asking me for?
Yes, so it basically breaks down to three months rent.
She did a full payment the first month,
and the second and third month, it was partial payments,
and they were late, so I was also having to pay
the late fees on top of that.
We had internet together, that's 360, and then I got,
you know, fines for cleaning and supplying for $1,000.
- So, Taj, you good at rapping? - I am.
All right, we're going to hear Taj's rap, y'all.
CARMEN: Come on, let's go!
TAJ: DJ, hit it.
[rapping] ♪ Step in the court ♪
♪ You better watch your tone ♪
♪ Ms. Pat's on a bench and she in the zone ♪
♪ Gavel in the hand with a side-eye glance ♪
♪ If you're acting up, you don't stand a chance ♪
♪ Go, gavel, go, gavel, go ♪
ALL: ♪ Go, gavel, go, gavel, go ♪
TAJ: ♪ Court is in session ♪
♪ Fun is on track ♪
♪ All rise for the legendary Ms. Pat ♪
- Yay! - [applause]
SAFAREE: Give it up for Mama.
Mama, mama, mama, mama, mama.
Yes, Taj!
All right, I'm going on over here to my jury.
Come on, help me out.
CARMEN: You can get somebody to come pay for that.
You can get somebody to get a regular massage.
I know you can if you put the effort into it.
[rapping] ♪ She ain't paying you back ♪
♪ I don't think she gonna pay you back ♪
[laughter]
Oh, Lord.
DJ out of the courtroom, [bleep] stupid.
Okay.
I've come to my final decision,
and I'm going to settle this once and for all.
I'm ruling in favor of...
...the plaintiff, Xica.
[applause]
Taj, you're ordered to pay Xica $2,560.
Taj, you bounced out on a lease from your friend
so you can chase your dreams.
This lady rented a whole suite to help you.
You can't do people like that.
And I hope you forgive her for what she did.
Please give each other a hug,
because I don't like to see Black women arguing.
[applause]
Beautiful.
And with that, I just settled it.
Y'all get out of my courtroom.
I really like the way you handled that.
- MS. PAT: Why? - It started off,
it was kind of stiff, but you waS tough on them,
and you smoothed that shit out.
- Kind of like a massage. -[laughter]
Now, that's a happy ending.
How did you even wreck the car?
He couldn't see.
- I promise you, it was not me. - DERAY: What!?
Did y'all get a divorce because he can't drive?
Can you tell me why you don't have
your own phone bill?
Do y'all share the same man?
- BOTH: No. - Damn!
MS. PAT: Now, how y'all doing today?
- Great. - Good.
- Hey, audience. - AUDIENCE: Hey.
Sound like a choir.
Y'all ain't working for Kirk Franklin.
All right, you ready to start bailiff-ing, bailiff?
BAILIFF: Yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am.
This is the case of Simmons versus Simmons.
ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff Aleishia Simmons
is suing her ex-husband
Darnell for $3500, claiming he crashed the
minivan she lent him,
which he then scrapped for parts.
Defendant Darnell Simmons says Aleishia needs a crash
course in fact-checking.
He says the van was just as much his as it was hers.
BAILIFF: Y'all swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?
MS. PAT: All right, Aleishia, can you please tell me
why you're here today?
I'm here suing my ex-husband, Darnell,
for $3500 for a van that I lent it to him
that he wrecked and then he sold it for parts
and then bought him a new car while I ain't had no car.
Okay, Darnell, tell me your side of the story
because you look like you stole this car.
Come on.
First, Ms. Pat, this is stupid.
Yes, I did wreck the van, that's without question.
But I used that van to get our kids
to and from school, for me to go to work.
I don't think she needed it anyway.
How did you even wreck the car?
- He couldn't see. - [laughter]
What happened was,
most of the time I worked is overnight.
You worked overnight?
So I probably just fell asleep behind the wheel.
- I ain't gonna lie to you. - You literally fell asleep?
Yeah.
Did you tell her you crashed the car?
- No, no, no. - That's a slow answer, [bleep].
I don't know if this stuff
downloads to your glasses first.
CARMEN: It appears that you're asleep right now, sir.
All right, let me back you up.
So you loaned him this car because he didn't have a car?
- Right. - Once my car broke down.
So I had another vehicle.
I lent it to him until he got on his feet.
And then during that time, I figured
he would get a car and then I would get my vehicle back.
Did you have insurance?
I did have insurance.
But he didn't tell me he wrecked the car.
You just sold it?
Yeah, because I didn't know if insurance was on it or not.
He wrecked it, sold it, and bought a new car.
The only reason why I knew that he sold the car
is because one day I came over to bring the kids to him
to see him or whatever, and I saw the Jeep.
So I was like, oh, he probably got company, whatever, whatever.
Came outside a new gold chain.
She wanted him back on his feet-- he on his feet.
I mean, yeah.
And the messed up part is when I did get into
a hard time and I lost my other car,
then I ended up with no car.
So now me and the children are bum-fumbling around,
asking people for rides, catching a bus.
Oh, you better ride that Jeep to her right now.
- No, no. - How'd that Jeep ride, though?
It was nice?
- It was. - It was.
CARMEN: You ain't got the Jeep no more?
- ALEISHIA: It was. - DARNELL: It was.
CARMEN: What happened to the Jeep?
- It got into an accident. - [laughter]
NAVV: It's them glasses, bro, you seeing too many cars.
- DARNELL: It wasn't me. - You seeing too many cars.
- I promise you, it was not me. - DERAY: What!?
The car got into an accident by itself?
- NAVV: Self-driving. - No.
Did y'all get a divorce because he can't drive?
No, but nighttime driving is not for him.
I really think you need a go-kart.
[laughter]
Darnell, you wrecked her car and sold it for parts.
Yeah.
How much money did you make off of this car?
I probably got like, $1,000 for it.
And you didn't offer her any of the $1,000
that you got off the parts?
I did what I had to do to keep everything together.
She's not taking the kids to and from school, you know?
I worked overnight, doing those things so that
she can do the work that she was doing.
What do you do for a living, sweetheart?
I went back to school, so I'm in nursing school now.
You're saying you're taking care of the car
- while she can live her dream. - DARNELL: Right.
She's getting the freedom to go to school,
do the things that she has to do,
get herself up, because I made those things happen.
Let me say this, I gotta give my hats off to you,
because a lot of times when you break up with men,
they will not stick around to take care of them kids,
and they damn sure won't be taking them
back and forth to school and doing the right thing.
You just hit it on the head, that's it.
But still, you can't sell nobody else's shit.
[laughter]
I'm going on over here to my jury.
Come on here and help me, Carmen.
Not only were you deceptive by breaking the vehicle
and didn't even tell her, you took it upon yourself
to sell all the parts, make money off of something
that did not belong to you.
Sometimes we can't live in the past.
I know you done did a lot for her, but right now
you gotta think about what she done did for you.
You signed a promissory note.
It doesn't even make any sense.
You owe her for the van, it's simple.
So, I've come to my final decision,
and I'm gonna settle this once and for all.
I'm ruling in favor of...
...the defendant...
- What? - MS. PAT: ...Darnell.
- What? - Darnell...
- I'm just kidding. - [laughter]
CARMEN: I was gonna say nothing.
Darnell like, "Well, I didn't see that coming."
I thought you had lost it for a minute, Pat.
I'm ruling in favor of the plaintiff, Aleishia.
Darnell, you're ordered to pay Aleishia $3500.
You know that wasn't your car to sell.
All you had to do was tell her you wrecked that car
and that no fault insurance would have paid for that car.
You know you was wrong, Darnell.
I just settled it.
Y'all, please, get out the courtroom.
Somebody help Darnell, please.
[laughter]
MS. PAT: Boy, don't nobody play with you
like your exes do, do they?
That's why I just keep out of relationships.
You don't gotta switch nothing, and no one's ever hurt.
One more thing out of you, and I'm gonna lock you up.
[laughter]
All right, so we identical twins, right?
- Fraternal. - Fraternal.
Why didn't you just come out your pocket
and pay the $1500?
It was just out of sight, out of mind.
It ain't no out of sight, out of mind.
She was right there, looking like you.
Every time you looked in the mirror,
you should have been saying, "Bitch, I owe you $1500."
MS. PAT: All right, jury,
if clapbacks was an Olympic sport,
y'all would have a gold medal.
Bailiff, get to bailiff-ing.
This is the case of Bryant versus Bryant.
ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff Shyla Bryant
is suing her twin sister Shyra for $1500.
Shyra went on vacation
without an international phone plan,
racked up the charges, and left Shyla
stuck with the bill.
But defendant Shyra Bryant says they share everything,
including a phone plan.
And since Shyla already paid it, what's the problem?
They might have shared a womb,
but they sure don't share accountability.
BAILIFF: ...the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,
so help you, God?
All right, so we identical twins, right?
- Fraternal. - Fraternal.
- Different. - Different, yeah.
Well, y'all look just alike.
So, Shyla, tell me why you're here today.
I'm suing my twin sister, Shyra, for $1500
because she went out of the country
to the Dominican Republic, living her best life,
taking pictures on the beach,
and when she landed back in the States,
she gifted me with a nice $1500 phone bill
from international roaming charges.
And I didn't even get to go on the vacation.
You better have been calling Jesus.
Shyra, tell me why you're here.
I went out of the country with a few friends
for a few weeks, just to enjoy myself,
and I did not know that I was incurring these charges.
At the same time, I was
planning on moving to Atlanta
and building my fitness career,
so I'm a personal trainer as well.
So I did stick my sister with the bill.
I needed this time to put the money aside for that
instead of a $1500 phone bill that's already paid.
I'm going to knock that little phone bill out.
[laughter]
You wanna be on my family plan?
- I'll add you. - [laughter]
MS. PAT: All right.
Do you have a copy of the phone bill?
I sure do.
Because it sounds like Karlous want to pay this bill.
I can save all of us some time, Ms. Pat.
All right.
$1,540.04. You didn't know to call
your phone company and tell them
you was going out of the country
and got you an international phone plan?
At one point, I did think, you know,
let me make a phone call.
I think I made two attempts, and after that,
I was just like, I'll handle it when I get home.
Shyla, did you ever remind her, "Hey, girl,
"make sure you turn your international stuff off
or call and get a plan"?
I sure did. I have text messages.
I have the receipts, Ms. Pat.
MS. PAT: Let me see your text messages.
"Are you ready for your trip to the DR?
"Don't forget your passport
"and call the phone company
to turn off international roaming."
"Okay, Mama, laugh out loud.
I will call the phone company before I leave."
"Okay, have fun and be safe."
She reminded you.
She did, but at the same time, it was just so much going on.
It's always at the same time for you.
But, you know, my sister does things for me,
and I do things for Shyla.
It sounds like your sister do everything for you,
- and you don't do shit. - [laughter]
Shyra, can you tell me why you don't
have your own phone bill?
I mean, you grown.
- What are you, 20...? - Twenty-nine.
Twenty-nine, and y'all sharing phone bills?
- Yes. - They got the same hairdresser.
- Do y'all share the same man? - BOTH: No.
- Damn! - No.
Why didn't you just come out your pocket
and pay the $1500?
It was just out of sight, out of mind.
It ain't no out of sight, out of mind.
She was right there looking like you every day,
every time you looked in the mirror--
Every time you looked in the mirror,
you should have been saying,
"Bitch, I owe you $1500."
So let me ask you this. It was your phone bill.
Why the hell you didn't call and get the plan on?
You know she irresponsible.
She look like she irresponsible.
That's why you digging at her.
You know what? It's been multiple situations.
Like, if she gets pulled over, I get the ticket.
- Uh-uh. - Oh, she give your name?
It's always my name, because the L comes before the R.
Tia, why you always getting Tamara in trouble?
And you know, it's never intentional, Ms. Pat.
- It's never intentional. - Yes, it is.
You know damn well when they pull y'all up,
you say, "I got a twin."
You be like, ooh, that [bleep] going to jail right now.
[laughter]
This is a situation that always happens.
I even have my mom here to speak on it.
- Your mama here? Where she at? - She's right here.
MS. PAT: Come here, mama, come on, mama!
Oh, that's definitely her mama.
CARMEN: My mama.
MS. PAT: Karlous, now you want the mama.
- [laughter] - I want the mama.
You want the mama? Damn.
CARMEN: She is the mama, and she want the mama.
ANNOUNCER: Shyla Bryant is suing her twin sister,
Shyra Bryant, for $1500
she racked up in international phone charges.
Shyra says it's not a big deal,
and her sister should cover the cost.
Ms. Pat's ready to dial up a verdict
and hang up this case.
So which daughter has been more responsible, mama?
Shyla has been the most responsible.
- MS. PAT: Mm-hmm. - She's a free spirit.
Who's more likely to start an argument?
- Don't look at her, mama... - Shyra.
- ...just look straight ahead. - [laughter]
Who's more likely to pretend
they didn't see a text, mama?
- Shyra. - Shyra.
They attacking you today, baby, you might want to move out.
Even your mama said you're shit.
I had to call her.
MS. PAT: Who's more likely to go out with Safaree, mama?
- Shyla. - [laughter]
MS. PAT: Okay, mama, you can go step down.
I'm going to go to my jury. Carmen, come on.
You need to start being the big sister.
You already know that she's got an issue.
Take that phone from her
and give her ass a walkie-talkie.
I think most of this is all your fault,
because this is your little sister.
You're supposed to look out for her.
You call her little sister? They twins.
All right.
In the case of the double mint twins,
Ooh, lord.
Now I've come to my final decision,
and I'm settling this once and for all.
I'm ruling in the favor of...
...the plaintiff,
Shyla.
Shyra, you're ordered to pay Shyla $1500,
because you could not wait to show your little natural ass
and your six-pack that I'm jealous of,
and you was not worried about your phone bill.
- Shyla, you enabled Shyra. - Yes.
It's time for you to separate yourself from your sister
and get your own plan.
You got to take control of your life,
because it's obvious she don't care.
She just want to be out there in her bikini
and help fat people like me get in shape.
[laughter]
With that, I just settled it.
Get out of my courtroom.
- Thank you, Ms. Pat. - Thank you, baby.
KARLOUS: Now he's going through something.
He's having a heat stroke.
That's what's really happening.
MS. PAT: That might be what it is.
That big-ass chinchilla, and with all that...
- Chinchilla. - It's not a chinchilla,
it's not rabbit, it's fox.
That's just what the dude at the discount mall told you.