- Hey, y'all. I'm Ms. Pat.
- All rise.
- And I know the inside of a courtroom.
I'm a convicted felon with a GED.
Now I'm sitting on this side of the bench.
Y'all are killing me!
These are real cases with real money on the line.
And I'm bringing my old friends to court as my jury.
- What is this, Looney Tunes?
- Y'all may have started this mess,
but I'm gonna settle it.
- I love this courtroom!
- All rise, 'cause court is back in session.
[dramatic music]
- She used to be a law breaker, now she's a lawmaker.
All rise for the Honorable Ms. Pat.
♪ ♪
- Y'all can have a seat.
Jury, I just need you to be here and don't interrupt me.
- I would like to forward the motion.
- Don't you get your Black ass
up out of that chair again, Karlous.
- He's in contempt.
- And you gonna be in contempt
if you don't shut your ass up.
Bailiff, give the basics.
- This is the case of Leonard versus Martin.
- Plaintiffs Taneisha and Aleisha Leonard
are suing their mom for $2,500
after they fixed her broken down Camry.
But after the car was fixed, their mom junked it
and bought another whip.
Defendant Angela Martin says they're to blame
for damaging both cars,
and she's counter-suing for $3,500.
- You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
- Yes. - I do.
- So before we get started, I just want
to let you know this is a jury of my peers.
I can or cannot use them, but they're here because
traffic school was closed today.
[laughter]
OK. Taneisha?
- Yes. - And this is Aleisha?
- Yes, ma'am.
- So, Taneisha, tell me why we're here today.
- I'm suing my mom for $2,500 for paying for her car repairs.
We got her Toyota Camry fixed and she agreed to pay us back.
- That's a lie. - And hasn't done so.
- What type of work was done to this car for $2,500?
- OK, we got her Cadillac converter fixed.
The car was not moving at all.
- Only black people call it a Cadillac converter.
- On a Toyota!
OK, Angela. - Yes.
- Tell me your side of the story.
- Yeah, sure, Your Honor.
They came, "Mom, we'll help you get your car fixed."
I was like, OK.
Like, they were living with me at the time.
So I looked at it as my girls helping me out,
not that I had to pay them back.
So them asking me for money back, what?
I thought it was them being nice
because I let them drive it around.
- So Taneisha and Aleisha, did y'all have a contract
or anything to say that she will pay you the $2,500 back?
- We have a promissory note that states
she would pay us our money.
- OK, bailiff, give me the promissory note.
- Your honor, this has to be fraud.
- Is this written on toilet paper?
- That's definitely on the paper towel.
- "I will pay back my daughters 4 fixing my car."
- The number 4, too. - $2,500.
- What?
- Mama, after these girls got their $2,500
together and fixed your Toyota Camry,
how did it run after that?
- Your Honor, it was not running properly.
So bad that to the fact, I junked the car.
I got $450 for junking the car.
So I got a new Mercedes from my tenderoni and I went to work,
let them use the car.
Within eight hours, they had wrecked it twice.
- What?
- I didn't have it to get fixed.
And they never offered a penny.
So I'm counter-suing for $3,500.
- Wow.
- What's a tenderoni?
- That mean he younger than her.
- How old is he? - He's 38.
- How old are you?
- I'm 52.
- Sound about right to me, Mama.
Sound about right to me. - [yowls]
- You better get your groove back.
- The only reason tenderoni paid for the car
'cause he ruined it.
- On the Camry or the Mercedes?
- On the Camry. Busted it. Boom.
Scratched out all the seats.
- Oh, she got that thing on. OK, Mama.
She got that thing on it!
- Did y'all's mama cheat on y'all's stepbrother?
- I think so.
[laughter] - Stepbrother.
- No, actually, tenderoni cheated
and I broke up with him is the real reason
that he broke the windshield.
- So, Mama, tell me about the wreck.
- I was nice enough to let them use the new Mercedes
while I was at work.
And they called me and told me they hit a pothole
and my airbags came out.
What kind of pothole make your airbags come out?
- The ones in Atlanta.
- Ones in Atlanta.
- On Martin Luther King, to be exact.
- Thank you. - Not only that, Your Honor,
not even three hours later,
they called me back and said they hit somebody.
- Who was driving? - Taneisha.
- Both times? - Both times.
- So y'all had two accidents in one day?
- What the hell was you doing?
- Driving fast.
- We did not see the car... - It was raining.
- Up front get hit.
- Uh-uh. Uh-uh! Hey!
Stop telling her what to say, Whoopi Goldberg.
- Don't go to hell for her.
- Do you have pictures of your mama's car tore up?
- Oh, yes, I have pictures. Your Honor.
- OK, let me see the pictures.
Mama, while you're pulling out those pictures,
what year is this Mercedes Benz?
- It's a 2006.
- See, hey, that was an impact all around.
'Cause this is on the back seat.
This the back seat.
Y'all was showing your ass out there in your mama's car.
For the airbags in the back seat to deploy.
Somebody lying, Ms. Pat. - Yeah.
- And a Cadillac converter replacement ain't no $2,500.
Toyota Cadillac converter, you get that done $700.
- Who drove here today?
- We drove with my mama.
- You rode with your-- - What kind of car you got?
- Hold up. Hold up.
You rode to court with your mama to sue your mama?
- Ain't that something?
[laughter]
- Black people bold as hell.
- Ain't they?
- Well, I've heard enough.
Y'all gave y'all mama $2,500 for repairs
for her Toyota Camry.
Well, she got it fixed.
She signed a promissory note saying
that she will pay it back,
but I don't think she remembered it.
Angela said she let y'all drive her Mercedes-Benz
that her tenderoni bought,
and y'all had two wrecks in one day.
And she said she don't owe y'all anything.
I've come to my final decision
and I'm gonna settle this once and for all.
I'm ruling in favor of...
the defendant, Angela Martin.
- Thank you, Your Honor. Thank you.
- What the hell?
- Taneisha and Aleisha, you are ordered
to pay your mother $1,000.
Because you're suing for $2,500
and you wrecked her car for $3,500.
So the $1,000 is the difference.
Now just sell it.
Get your ass out my courtroom.
- You are dismissed.
- Thank you, Your Honor. - Thank you, Your Honor.
- Don't take them home, either.
Y'all got to catch an Uber.
- I mean, when you're 52, you want somebody closer to 52.
- No, the-- no, you don't!
- I don't like older women.
They don't let you cuss in the house.
You ain't doing all that goddamn cussing in my house.
I don't want to hear all that goddamn cussing.
- My friend here, she kicked me out in seven days.
- What did she do?
- Big Mama had slid her hand at the small of my back.
- That's your spot.
- But she don't need to be there.
- How y'all doing, jury?
- I'm just so nervous.
- Why are you so nervous?
- I missed my monthly.
- Girl, you might be pregnant.
- No, I'm talking about my phone bill.
[laughter]
- Bailiff, you ready to bailiff?
- This is the case of Wilhite versus Henry.
- Plaintiff Jahna Wilhite is suing her friend Kaylo
for $1,125, - Oh, OK.
- The amount of rent she paid to live
at Kaylo's for a month, but was kicked
to the curb after just a week.
Defendant Kaylo Henry says Jahna
was a hot mess from day one.
And after the cops had to cool her down,
Kaylo's keeping the whole month's rent as damages.
- So help you God? - I do.
- So help me God.
- Jahna, tell me why you're here today.
- So my name is Jahna Wilhite, but you could call me Big Mama.
- Oh! - OK, Big Mama!
- OK.
- I'm suing my friend here, Kaylo, for $1,125.
Now, I paid $1,500 to stay a 30-day stay,
but she kicked me out in seven days.
OK?
Yeah, all because of a neighbor complaint.
I would call her Karen, but she was my color.
- They got black Karens.
- I'm looking for the rest of my money
'cause I paid for 30 days.
- But you wasn't doing right.
- OK, let me hear what you got to say, Ms. Kaylo.
- I let Jahna in my home out of the kindness
of my heart, Your Honor.
This is my friend that needed a place to stay.
And she was to come into my home and act as an adult
and abide by all HOA rules and regulations.
But she had the police called to my house.
And I live in an HOA community.
We don't do that kind of stuff.
- Why did she kick you out, Jahna?
- To my understanding, she kicked me out
because of the neighbor came and complained
that I was making loud noise.
Neighbor ended up calling the police.
Police ended up coming in.
Kaylo come back in the situation,
now she feels like I've been--
- Disrespectful. - Disrespecting her.
- And the community.
- I ain't going that far.
- What time of night was this?
- This was nighttime.
Probably, like, 10:00, 11:00.
- I'm from the suburbs,
so I would have called the police, too.
- We know. - Yeah.
- Why did you move in with her in the first place?
- I got kicked out of my sister's house,
my mama's house, my girlfriend,
my other girlfriend.
I got kicked out of a few places,
I ain't gonna lie to you, but--
[laughter]
- She a serial kick-outer.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know that, Ms. Pat.
If I would have known that, I wouldn't have
let her into my home.
As you could tell, she part of the LGBTQ and they communitah.
- What?
- OK? - Wait.
What? - A communitah.
- Yeah, the communitah.
She part of the communitah.
- Is she for real?
- So then I was doing a good deed,
but the camel that broke the straw back
was when we was in the kitchen cooking, right?
And Big Mama had slid her hand at the small of my back.
- That's your spot!
- But she don't need to be there.
- What was she trying to do?
Get you to run your fingers through her fade?
- Her flat top, Your Honor.
- Got that eighth grade prom haircut.
- Ooh!
- Was you trying to eat your friend?
[laughter]
- I'm in the business of encouraging women.
- I never went that way.
But if I did, baby, that little slippery suit
could slide right up in me, baby.
She look like Kid and Play.
- What was the lease agreement?
- She was to pay me $1,500.
It was gonna include a little food
that I had in the house or whatever the case.
- She ain't never cooked.
- But nonetheless, what was there, she was welcome to.
- Except you. - Except me!
In bold letters.
I'm going to let my jury help me out.
Carmen, give me your opinion, - OK.
I'm sorry.
I'm just looking for my stud.
- So, Kaylo, I want to know.
You had no attraction to Jahna?
- Not at all.
- None.
- But it seemed like that you seduced
the communitah a little bit to get your bills paid.
- No. No, communitah seduced me
because I had a place to stay.
Communitah didn't.
- All right, I'm ready to settle it.
Jahna, you paid a full month's rent with your friend,
but instead you put your hand in the small of her back
and she wasn't ready for that blonde top-off you got.
Kaylo, you took her in after everybody put her out.
She made your HOA want to charge you extra.
It's time to settle this once and for all.
[dramatic music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
the plaintiff, Jahna.
- Mm.
- Kaylo, you're going to have to pay her $1,125
because she did pay for a month's rent.
All you had to do was overlook that nonsense
she was doing for 30 days.
I hope this friendship can get back on track.
And stop trying to take her to the other side.
[laughter]
Now give your friend a hug.
- At the top of her back, not the small!
- Don't you touch the small of her back.
Get your ass out my courtroom.
- Thank you.
- She walked in and like, shifted the whole--
everybody gasped. - Yeah.
- She know she look good.
She ain't no different than Ray J.
Only difference is,
don't have the money and the hit songs.
- But she got the outfit.
- I only got a couple hits, though.
- Sir, I have never seen nobody bring evidence
against their self to court.
So why are you here if you're telling on yourself?
- I'm not a full piece of shit. Like--
- What's the percentage?
- It's like 30%.
- All right.
How y'all doing?
- Looking good today, Judge.
- I was gonna tell you the same thing.
- You are looking real good today.
- You look like a 75-inch TV fell off the back of a truck.
Do your damn thing and start bailiffing.
- This is the case of Ford versus Roland.
- Plaintiff Alicia Ford is--
- Where the hell are you going?
You ain't never been to court before?
- No.
- Damn, this [bleep] went to go sit in the audience.
- Plaintiff Alicia Ford is suing her cousin, Jeremy,
for $1,428 to replace the water heater
she says he busted
after taking long-ass hot showers all day.
Defendant Jeremy Roland says the water heater was old
and about to die anyway, and the amount.
Alicia wants for a new one is making his blood boil.
- This is going to be interesting.
- You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
- I do. - I do.
- Alicia, can you tell me why we're here today?
- I'm here today to sue my cousin Jeremy
for a water heater, $1,428.
- OK, so what happened to the water heater?
- He broke it taking hour, hour and a half showers,
three to four times a day.
- Three to four times a day? - Yes.
- You sure you ain't in there doing something else?
- I take two-hour showers.
- For what? - Well, because first off,
the room got to be a steam room first.
Because you want to get everything--
- Ray J, nobody want to hear that rich shit.
He can't even line up his beard.
You think he got a steam shower?
OK, so Jeremy, tell me about this water heater
that you drained dry.
- Her water heater was already raggedy...
- What do you mean by raggedy? - To begin with.
- That house was built in 1980-something.
It had never been replaced before.
It had nothing to do with me. - You know that's a lie.
- When was it, then?
- When was the last time your hot water--
- When was it, then?
- I would say, like, 2000.
It ain't been that long.
- I mean, but the hot water heater is 24 years old.
Y'all live together?
- We did.
'Cause he didn't have nowhere to stay.
You know, it was, like, in between places.
I'm like, OK, it's a win-win situation.
He come help me--
- Why did you need help?
- I'm a full-time caregiver to my mom.
- OK well, that is a win-win situation.
So tell me, did he admit that he broke the hot water heater?
- He did.
- Did you offer to fix the water heater?
- Yes, ma'am. - OK.
- Honestly, 'cause I mean,
I'm not a full piece of shit.
Like, I owe her.
- What's the percentage?
- It's, like, 30%.
OK?
- All right. - But she couldn't wait.
She could not boil water one more day.
- Ms. Pat, I took hoe baths for two weeks, bruh.
And he talking about, I could have waited another day.
Like, if you ain't never had to do that,
boil the water on the stove and then carry it down the hall.
And you got to put the cold water in there to equal it out.
- I had to do that.
If you wait too long, by the time
you get in the tub, all the water cold.
- All the water cold.
- Do you have any proof that he said
he was going to pay for it.
- He does.
- So, Jeremy, you text, "So I was thinking
"I would pay for the water heater
since I'm working again."
"Paying for the water heater is the least I can do.
Love you cuz." - Least.
- Sir, I have never seen nobody bring evidence
against their self to court.
[laughter]
- Plaintiff Alicia Ford is suing cousin Jeremy for $1,428
for a busted water heater.
But Jeremy says that
she should have waited a day for him to fix it,
so he's not shelling out a drop.
Ms. Pat is about to flush this out.
- So, Jeremy, you text, "So I was thinking
"I would pay for the water heater
since I'm working again."
Sir, I have never seen nobody bring evidence
against their self to court.
So why are you here if you telling on yourself?
- Because I'm not paying $1,400
when it could have been done cheaper.
I told her my dude could do it for, like, $50.
You know what I mean? - If that.
- He actually claimed he was gonna get Crackhead Joe
or somebody to fix it.
- Crackhead Joe?
- Joe?
- How do you expect this lady to let you
put hot water heater in her house by a Crackhead Joe?
My sister smoked crack.
She can't put in no hot water heater.
- You sold crack. You know they can.
- You don't know shit about me.
- Period.
- So did he get him to fix it?
- No.
- Alicia, you should not have gave him the keys.
- Uh-uh!
Y'all ain't gonna act like I don't do nothing.
No, I cook for her every day.
I will help her mom. I do do stuff.
- Where you work at? - I do ride share,
which is why I can stay and help her.
- He ain't even got a car!
So how you gonna go to work with no car?
- I do have a car.
- His car is broke down.
- Right now.
- Let me ask you this.
Did he help more when he had a car?
- He did.
He actually grocery shopped every day.
He picked my son up, take him to track practice, basketball,
football, stuff like that.
- Wow.
- OK, come on, Chris.
Tell me what you're thinking.
- He agreed to pay for it.
You got to pay for it.
It's in the text messages.
- The water heater was 24 years old.
It was already gonna break.
Fix that shit.
All y'all need to fix it together.
- All right.
So with that said, I've come to my final decision.
And I'm gonna settle this once and for all.
[dramatic music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
the plaintiff
for the full amount of $1,428.
[applause]
Jeremy, since you helped so much when you had a car,
I'm going to give you $1,000
to help you get your car fixed.
- Thank you, Ms. Pat.
- I'm happy for him.
- That's why she's Judge Ms. Pat.
That's why.
- Thank you, Ms. Pat.
- Why are you so emotional?
How hard has it been for you?
- I think I'm more emotional because you helped him.
'Cause he do try.
And he's in school and I love Jeremy to death.
I do. That's my cousin.
- And Jeremy, I can tell, you really wanted to help.
- And still do.
I'll tell you, I love my aunt.
I'm sorry. (VOICE BREAKING) I love my aunt so much.
I do. I love my aunt to death.
I love her to death. - I can tell.
And sometimes you got to rub your pennies together
and make it in this time.
And I hope me helping you with the car
bring y'all back together as a family and work things out.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Can I see y'all hug? - We will.
- I do love you.
[applause]
- Now get your ass out of here.
I just settled it.
- Thank you, Ms. Pat. I love y'all.
- Ray J, you behave. - Thank you.
- Maddy, love you.
- Love you too, baby.
- Life is too short to be fighting
over a hot water heater.
One day you're going to die,
and everything that you thought was of value,
somebody is gonna throw it out the door.
Why can't we just come together and love each other?
- That's deep.
- You know, I already told my kids,
I'm gonna put on my headstone, "Get the [bleep]
away from my grave. I'm sleeping."
Come up here with that Earthly shit.
I'm resting.
- Next time on "Ms. Pat Settles It."
- I was reviewing the burger, just tasting it.
Next thing you know-- - Oh!
- You make burgers so good it knock big bitches out?
- I wanted her to show up looking like Kelly Rowland.
- What Kelly Rowland did you show up looking like?
- Aw, hell no! You look like a--
- Stop!
- I'm here, Your Honor, suing for my iPhone 14
that she's broken.
- And how many phones she done broke?
- This this third one. - What?
- Oh, three phones? Come on, now, Sideshow Bob.
You can't be doing-- [laughter]