- Hey, y'all, I'm Ms. Pat.
- All rise.
And I know the inside of a courtroom.
I'm a convicted felon with a GED.
Now I'm sitting on this side of the bench.
Y'all are killin' me. [laughter]
These are real cases
with real money on the line.
And I'm bring my own friends to court as my jury.
- What is this, "Looney Tunes"?
- Y'all may have started this mess,
but I'm gonna settle it.
- I love this courtroom.
- All rise, 'cause court is back in session.
[gavel bangs]
[intriguing music]
- She lays down the law like she lays down her edges--
slick and sassy.
All rise for Ms. Pat.
♪ ♪
- Y'all can have a seat.
Listen, I know I'm a judge and all, but breaking the law
is fun.
Ain't it, jury?
- Objection.
- To what?
- They guilty.
- We ain't even said nothing yet.
- But I'm just saying, I know they guilty.
- Look, you been watching "Law & Order," a marathon.
[laughter]
- Let's get this thing poppin'.
- This is the case of Sherrod versus Isreal.
You may now enter.
- Plaintiff Cortez Sherrod is suing his ex, Charles,
for $1,000 to pay for the food app deliveries he says
Charles ordered on his dime.
Defendant Charles Isreal says here's
the naked truth--
whatever food he orders, Cortez eats, too.
He can't be banking on Charles to drop
dough for every delivery.
- Just want to tell y'all before I get started,
this a jury of my peers, OK?
I may or may not use them, but they're here today because I
claim them on my taxes.
[laughter]
All right.
Cortez, tell me why you're here today.
- Your Honor, I'm here today suing my ex-fiancé
for $1,000.
He basically is supposed to be "a chef."
We were together for six years, and I haven't gotten a meal
from him, cooked for me, ever.
And then on top of that, we broke up,
and he ran up my food delivery account
over $1,000.
And I need my money back.
- OK. - Ooh.
- Charles, what's your side of the story?
- I'm confused because there's a bunch of lies
just being told right now.
I have cooked for him before.
But I am a private chef, and I cook all day long.
So what do I like getting off of work,
coming home, and cooking for you when
I've been cooking all day?
- So all this he's in here crying and complaining about,
when have I ever got a meal from you?
We're still living in the same house.
I'm still ordering food for both of us.
He's-- he's not mentioning that.
- Oh.
So y'all still live in the same house, but you broke up?
- Mm.
- So did you know he was using your food account?
- Originally, you know, we were together.
We shared a food account.
But when we broke up, he was still ordering food.
- You was upstairs while he was downstairs
eating on your account?
- Yeah.
- Was you eating the food that he ordered?
- I mean, sometimes.
[laughter]
- How you gonna sue for some food that you ate some of?
- He tripping.
- My thing is you a chef.
Why you eating out?
- He's also a nude chef.
- What's that?
- Oh, he cook naked.
- He cooked naked.
[laughter]
- Who orders a naked chef?
- I got an app myself.
On a lonely night, won't he do it?
[laughter]
- I wouldn't want anybody making
my eggs with no live meat.
- I do.
- I just wanted to know, are you a top chef?
[laughter]
- Does he have to ask people if they have nut allergies?
[laughter]
- All right.
All right.
How long was y'all engaged?
- Two years.
- Who broke off the engagement?
- Me.
I bought the rings, took the rings back.
I still got the rings.
- And why did you break it off?
Because--
- I caught him cheating.
- Well, how did you find out?
- I put a camera in the house.
- In your house?
- You brought somebody into the home that y'all share?
- I didn't bring nobody to the home.
- Yes, he did.
- He was having FaceTime sex with somebody.
That's bringing somebody in my house.
I seen it. - What is FaceTime sex?
- It was on the camera. - You just get on FaceTime,
Pat, and you get a good angle.
- They know what's-- [laughter]
- What happened to Karlous?
- Talk about something else.
We ain't got nothing else?
[laughter]
- See, I was nice to you.
Karlous were ready to eat your ass back--
- No, the [bleep] y'all wasn't.
[bleep] y'all I wasn't.
[laughter]
You need find a way to say that better.
- It's even funnier, 'cause you're a naked chef.
[laughter]
- Why do y'all still live together?
- That's what I'm here for now.
I want to get my money so I can have a deposit,
so I can move out.
Because we can't do this no more.
- Did you turn your card off, or did
you remove it from his phone?
- I sent text messages to him asking
him to stop using my card, and I got
evidence right here for it.
- All right, let me see.
All you had to do was turn off your food account.
If you left the credit card on there, you wanted to-- man,
I'm not about to read all this shit.
[laughter]
Not out loud, anyway.
I ain't got time for all that.
- No, Ms. Pat, please-- please read the text messages.
Just read page 2. - OK.
Well, go on, Karlous.
Read page 2.
- OK.
It says, "That's crazy.
"U can't spend my money without my permission.
"You're a chef.
Cook something!"
"& you're a bank manager.
Spend something."
[laughter]
"Just cuz I'm a chef don't mean I'm obligated to cook for you!"
"Just because I work at the bank
don't mean I'm made of money!"
- Why do you say it like Samuel Jackson?
- Yeah. [laughter]
- Move my [bleep] card off your [bleep].
- OK.
I'm going over here to my jury. Come on.
- Baby, this right here is a lover's quarrel.
This is not a breakup, OK?
When the last time y'all did it?
- No, Tamar. No.
- I just want to know. - No!
That ain't got nothing to do with this--
- Like, it was last night or whatever we see.
- No.
- Shut up, Karlous.
- No further questions.
[laughter]
- So where do y'all relationships stand now?
- I don't hate this man.
I'm just I feel a little betrayed,
and I feel like I'm due what I'm asking for.
And I'm ready to move out and move on with my life.
- OK.
What do you gotta say to help your case, baby?
- He can go to hell.
I'm not paying him nothing.
[together] Ooh.
- Wow. - Oh.
- OK, disrespectful. - Charles.
- All right, well, I've come to my final decision,
and I'm going to settle this once and for all.
[gavel bangs]
I'm ruling in favor of--
[tense music]
the defendant, Charles.
[upbeat funky music]
You don't owe Cortez anything.
And let me tell you why, Cortez.
You work at the bank.
You could have cut your card off at $50, $100, $200.
You just let it kept going.
You could have got out of this a long time ago if that's
what you wanted to do.
But we all know you did not want to get out of it.
You like that little freaky man right there in that blouse?
[laughter]
And it's OK.
I settled it.
Y'all get out of my courtroom.
- You are dismissed.
Don't stop by the kitchen.
Just go straight.
[laughter]
- What did y'all think about that case?
- He was mad because he broke up with him.
And so he wanted to come in here,
trying to sue him for some food he ate.
That's ridiculous.
- Yes.
- I don't want to hear nothing else about Uber Meats.
[laughter]
- She did not pay me what she owes me.
- How did y'all meet?
- The federal penitentiary.
- Come on, now.
- I want to say something, but I'm scared.
OK, OK.
[laughter]
- How you doing, jury?
Y'all better watch y'all mouth today, baby.
They only got so many bleeps per episode.
- Man, [bleep] it.
[laughter]
- All right, bailiff. Get to bailiffin'.
- This is the case of Coleman versus Davis.
You may now enter.
- Plaintiff Crystal Coleman is suing her friend
and ex-cellmate Sheshe for $4,000,
money she says she's owed for helping out
with transcription services.
Defendant Sheshe Davis says she fixed
Crystal's credit for free.
But if her pal from the pen is going
to play dirty out in the yard, Sheshe is ready for a brawl.
She's countersuing for 5 large.
- Crystal Coleman, why you here today?
- I'm suing my sister friend for $4,000.
I typed up some motions for her, and she did not pay me.
So what I need her to do is motion my money over here.
[laughter]
- Sheshe, let me hear your side of the story.
- Well, I'm here because Crystal thinks that I'm going
to be paying her for 55 hours.
She didn't do 55 hours or no nothing.
If anything, she owe me some money,
and I'm here to countersue her for fixing
her credit for $5,000.
And I'm not motioning nothing over there.
- Ooh.
You did 55 hours worth of work?
- Yes, ma'am.
It was, like, eight or nine motions.
- How many years did that take you?
- It took me four days.
I slept maybe one hour, two hours here and there.
- Bullshit. [laughter]
- I can prove my point.
- Oh, and I will prove mine, sweetheart.
Let's go. - Let me back this up.
- Mm-hmm. - Y'all some firecrackers.
- Yeah, I'm a rocket launcher.
[laughter]
- Damn!
- How did y'all meet?
Please don't tell me at church.
- I met She some years ago in Club Fed.
- The federal penitentiary.
- Come on, now.
- Oh!
Oh-ho-ho.
For what, may I ask?
- Things that I shouldn't have been doing.
- You didn't go to jail for being this fake lawyer thing,
right? - No, not at all.
- Did you start studying after you went in?
- No, I started studying before I went in.
- Oh, you was getting ready?
- Yeah.
[laughter]
- In what, Sheshe?
- Dope.
Rush it right out.
Point-blank, period.
- Wow.
- Rocket launcher.
- Yo.
I have a feeling right or wrong, she ain't paying shit.
- So how much did you charge her per hour?
- Listen, when you have a legal typist to type this up,
they charge you $3 a minute.
- Oh.
- I charged her a $1.50 per minute.
- And you spent 55 hours?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Ha!
- Sheshe, did you know that she was
charging you $1.50 per minute?
- I told her, OK.
When she text me [indistinct], I said, OK.
- OK.
I like that.
- Do you have proof that she agreed to--
- Yes. Yes, ma'am.
I do have proof.
- Mm.
- You wanted it done.
- So, "Do u know anyone that can type up motions asap?"
"Most legal typist would charge $3 per minute
"but I also type motion.
"But I looked at everything you sent,
"and I will only charge you $1.50
a minute to do it for you."
- I want to say something, but I'm scared.
[laughter]
OK, OK.
[laughter]
- Did you pay her anything?
- I think she did $1,000 of work.
I gave her $1,000, and that's all she getting.
- So she's suing you for $4,000, OK?
- And I'm suing her for $5,000, so she owe me a rat for fixing
her credit from 577 to 805.
- May I say something?
- No, because she talking to me.
Her grandson went to a prom in a Lamborghini
on one of the credit cards that she got from my help.
- I'm about to start kicking it with y'all.
- I'm telling you!
- Y'all the most successful ex-convicts I've ever met.
- That's a lie. I am.
- I'm so sorry.
- That's right, Ms. Pat.
[laughter]
- She gave me the program.
- You didn't know what she was doing,
and I told you what to do.
So I did do the work.
- Did you ever expect money from her before she
asked you for this money?
- No, because I thought we were better than that.
But now I see we ain't, so now I want my shit, too.
- Y'all, this is me in 40 years.
[laughter]
OK, Karlous, help me out.
- I agree with Sheshe.
- Me, too.
- You can have all the friends in the world,
but it's a very rare occasion when you meet
somebody that can fix credit.
That's somebody you need--
that's real.
If Sheshe needs some papers typed,
she get her papers typed.
- Crystal, is there anything you want to say
that can help your case?
- Your Honor, I love my friend.
I've always loved her.
I respect her.
And whether she accept me or not,
that's going to be my dawg.
- And what do you have to say?
- She needs the money, and I'm not giving it to her.
[laughter]
- OK. OK. All right.
- Sheshe!
- With that said, I've come to my final decision,
and I'm going to settle this once and for all.
[gavel bangs]
I'm ruling in favor of--
[tense music]
the defendant, Sheshe Davis.
Crystal, you are ordered to pay Sheshe $1,000.
She gave you 1,000, but she fixed your credit.
So give it back, and y'all even.
- I like that.
- Me too. - I like that.
- But before you go, y'all old hos
out the federal penitentiary.
[laughter] Come on.
Give them a hug.
That's friendship.
That's it. - Aww.
[applause]
- You are dismissed.
- It reminds me when I was in prison and I met this lady.
Her name was Brenda.
I'll never forget her.
She was so educated, but I could tell
she had never been to jail.
And so I immediately hooked up with her.
I learned a lot from that.
And I think about her all the time
because I know I saved her.
And in some ways, she saved me.
- Wow.
- All right, bailiff, next case.
- That case was a hot mess.
It was leaning.
All I want is my money back.
- She's the baby girl of the family, and she is rotten.
- I beg your pardon?
- Yeah, y'all rotten.
- That's not true. That is a myth.
- How you doing, jury? - Hey.
- Hi, boo.
- I hope you're not feeling hung today.
- I'd be hung every day.
- Get it started.
I am so tired of Karlous hitting on me.
[laughter]
- All right, bailiff. Get to bailiffin'.
- This is the case of Montgomery versus Fletcher.
You may now enter.
- Plaintiff Carol Montgomery is suing her sister April
for $475 after she claims the wedding
cake April made for her big day was a giant flop.
Defendant April Fletcher says her sister's
complaints are half-baked.
The cake was a hit, and this bridezilla needs to chill out.
- OK, Carol, tell me why we're here today.
- Well, Your Honor, I'm here to sue my sister.
I paid my sister $475 for my wedding cake,
and the cake was a hot mess.
It was leaning.
And all I want is my money back,
or either she can make my cake. It's up to her.
- Mm.
- All right, let me hear your side of the story, April.
- I don't even know why I'm here.
Because I told her I didn't want to do
the cake in the first place.
I just wanted to stand there beside my sister
and be happy for her.
I was happy.
But she basically told me I was going to make her wedding cake.
I gave my sister what she wanted, and that's that.
Here we are.
- How much did you charge her for the cake?
- She quoted her own price, because my cakes
start off at $800 and up.
So she quoted her own price-- - Oh, my god.
- --paid me what she wanted to pay me.
- Oh, my god.
I paid $475 for my wedding cake.
- She is spoiled.
She's the baby girl of the family, and she is rotten.
- I beg your pardon?
- Yeah, y'all rotten.
Y'all rotten.
- That' not true.
That is a myth. - Thank you.
Your Honor, it's the principle. - OK.
Did you have an inspiration that you can give--
- Yes, ma'am, I sure do.
- And do you have--
- This is what I sent her.
- This is what you asked for? - Yes, ma'am.
Three-tier cake. Yes, I did.
- OK, let me see what you got. - What you get?
- Oh.
- Well, first of all, Your Honor, the cake seemed--
it was still, like, lukewarm.
So therefore, the thing was gangsta-leaning.
So when she brought it and set it on the table,
I scooted my husband back, and I look.
I'm leaning with the cake.
And it was missing some icing, too, on top of that.
- Oh, I do see that Leaning Tower of Pisa.
- That's because I did the video like this.
I'm not even trying to hear all that.
- Did you know it wasn't like some of your best work?
Just asking.
- I know what I'm doing.
I even have a replica of the cake.
- You got a what?
We have that here?
- She's got one.
She's coming in with it now.
- Don't look shit mine.
[laughter]
- Did it taste good?
- I ain't going to lie.
It was delicious.
- Everybody else in the reception
said that the cake was beautiful and it tasted good.
She literally only had two slices of the bottom tier left
and the top tier.
That was all that was left.
- No, ma'am.
The top layer was stolen. - Stolen?
- Yes, ma'am. - Wait a minute!
Wait a minute! - Who stole the cake?
- Plaintiff Carol Montgomery is suing her sister April
for $475, the price she paid her to bake what ended up
being a busted wedding cake.
But April says her cake was flawless,
and Carol needs to take her frosty attitude
somewhere else.
Ms. Pat's about to settle it.
- Did it taste good?
- Everybody else in the reception
said that the cake was beautiful and it tasted good.
She literally only had two slices of the bottom tier
left and the top tier.
That was all that was left. - No, ma'am.
The top layer was stolen.
- Stolen?
Who stole the cake?
- Her ex-boyfriend. - Wait a minute!
Wait a minute! - That's what I was on there.
- Stop the press.
- I was really hurt overall.
That's why we kind of, like, been
bumping heads for the past 2 and 1/2 years about my cake.
- How in the hell did your ex-boyfriend
steal the top of the cake?
- This joker took my whole top layer when I clearly told him,
don't touch the top layer.
- It's a mistrial.
- Sit down, Karlous.
- Oh.
- He apologized, and he paid.
You accepted the money and the apology.
- Because she told me that's what I had to do, Your Honor.
She said, well, you gonna take the-- the $75.
- You are a grown woman.
- I said, no.
The whole principle was the top layer is for the bride
and the groom, Your Honor.
- Did you ever ask your sister for a refund?
- I did. She told me to kiss her ass.
- Oh, wow.
- If y'all would've known the hell
that I have been through with this
little girl about this cake.
- That is lies.
- OK, jury, what y'all think about this?
- Now, did I hear that your ex gave her $75 for the top
of the cake that he ate?
- Yeah, he paid for the top tier that he ate.
- He sent that, but I asked for the cake.
- I think as sisters, sometimes we take the fact that we're
sisters for granted, but this is when sisters are supposed
to show up for each other.
- Carol, any final words before I go make my decision?
- If there was another customer, they would have got--
either they half-refund or their cake remade.
- All right, any final words before I go make my decision?
- Well, I do feel that I was taking advantage of.
And it hurts my feelings for her to be like, oh,
this cake was gangsta-leaning. I was leaning with it.
No, that's not how that cake was.
- OK. All right.
Well, I know how important a wedding is.
I've been married for over 30-some years.
But we didn't get a cake.
We went to the courthouse and went to Burger King.
[laughter]
With that said, I've come to my final decision,
and I'm ready to settle it.
[gavel bangs]
I'm ruling in favor of--
[tense music]
the plaintiff, Carol.
April, you're ordered to pay Carol $475.
Because I want you to put this behind
y'all and heal whatever that is that is keeping y'all apart.
Because that's your sister.
My sister have been on crack since my childhood.
Every time I go down Moreland, there's my sister
selling [bleep].
- That's your sister?
[laughter]
What? It is a small world.
[laughter]
- Shut up, Karlous!
[laughter]
You're making me hot.
Would you please shut the [bleep] up?
- Wow.
- I want y'all to start to heal this relationship,
because you family.
- Got you.
- With that, I just settled it.
Now get out of my court. - Thank you, Your Honor.
- Thank you. - You are dismissed.
- All right. Come on, bailiff.
Let's get to bailiffin'.
- Next time on "Ms. Pat Settles It"--
- We got her Toyota Camry fixed,
but she agreed to pay us back.
- You rode to court with your mama to sue your mama?
[laughter]
- My friend here, she kicked me out in seven days.
- What did she do?
- Big Mama had slid her hand at the small of my back.
- That's your spot.
- But she don't need to be there.
[laughter]
- My cousin used up all the hot water,
and the water heater broke.
He was going to get Crackhead Joe to fix it.
- My sister smoke crack.
She can't put in no hot water heater.
- You sold crack. You know they can't.
- You don't know shit about me.
[laughter]