- You ain't never met a judge like me.
- Your Honor, Your Honor!
- Shut the hell up, and let me get this thing together.
Hey, y'all. I'm Ms. Pat.
I know the inside of a courtroom.
I went to jail for selling cocaine.
Now here I am, sitting on this side of the bench.
- Put my faith in your hands.
- I ain't God. I don't love you.
These are real cases
with real money on the line.
What you do with the $5,000?
- I-I'll let you know.
- Well, I'm here. Let me know.
- Let's just wrap this up
'cause I'm getting very irritated.
- You keep running your mouth,
you ain't gonna get nothing.
Court is now in session.
Baby, don't do me, do Jesus,
'cause he got more patience with you, okay?
[gavel bangs]
- In this courtroom, we keep it real--
real people, real cases,
and a fake judge. [laughter]
Two out of three ain't bad.
All rise for Ms. Pat.
[intriguing music]
- Y'all can have a seat.
Hey, how y'all doing today?
How you doing today, Mona? You up?
- I'm up. I'm here. - Hold your head up.
You always act like your head heavy, Mona.
- It is, baby.
It look heavy 'cause it is. [laughter]
It is for real.
- All right, Bailiff, get to bailiff-ing.
- This is the case of Jacobs versus Smith.
- Plaintiff Delita Jacobs is suing her best friend, Eve,
for $4,500 for not paying her back
for their Jamaican vacation Eve ruined
by getting in a car accident Delita had to pay for.
Defendant Eve Smith says that she doesn't know why Delita
is making a big deal out of nothing
when she pays for things for Delita all the time.
- This DeRay case right here. - [laughs]
♪ ♪
- Thank you.
- OK, ladies, before we get started,
I just want to let y'all know, this is a jury
of my peers, OK?
Don't pay them any attention.
Stop smiling at the light-skinned one
'cause he'll get you.
[laughter]
All right, Delita, tell us why we're here today.
- I'm suing my best friend of 20 years for $4,500.
It was my birthday.
I wanted to do something fun.
I had a girls' trip to Jamaica to a reggae fest.
We had agreed that I was gonna finance everything.
I got credit. I'll foot the bill.
When we get back, make the payments,
and she didn't pay me back.
I want my money.
I want my $4,500.
- Eve, why you didn't pay the girl?
- I don't feel like I have to pay her back anything.
- Oh! - Damn.
- Well, all right. - This is Black court.
[laughter] - Yeah.
- Black mama, that's it.
- So is this how you treat your homey,
your best friend, your childhood friend?
- What I'm saying is that there are plenty
of times that I paid and I didn't
stress her for the money back.
I didn't even ask her for it.
I didn't even be like, yo, you gonna pay me back?
I didn't do that.
- You ever took her on vacation?
[laughter]
All right, where did things start
to go wrong on this girl trip?
- Immediately.
Eve didn't even make the first part of the trip on time.
And then to top it all off, she gets in an accident
which I had to pay for.
- What happened with the car accident?
- So we were driving on Sunday.
Eve was like, let me drive. OK, cool.
So we're in traffic, and then she's,
like, dipping and dodging.
You ain't getting in front of me.
Like, I'll do this.
Next thing you hear, oh, yeah, that's my song,
da-da-da-da-da.
Boom.
She rear-end somebody in traffic.
How you rear-end people in traffic?
- Well, like this. - In traffic.
- You said she went like this, - Bumper-to-bumper traffic.
- I don't know who drives and does the dip, but--
- That's exactly right. She was bogling too hard.
- No, she talks a lot, OK?
While I was driving, she distracted me.
And the car in front of me did an abrupt stop,
and then I hit it.
That's it.
- I had a whole video.
- It's a video?
- There she go.
- Y'all supposed to be listening to reggae.
- That's the problem.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh!
[laughter]
- What's that? - That's the bumper.
- Oh, Lord, you couldn't talk your way out of this accident.
Did you get out? Did they see the body?
- Well, he was with his girlfriend, so--
- So they do all type of things nowadays.
- I can't believe them Jamaicans
didn't come after y'all ass. - Right?
As soon as we get out the car, mind you,
the girl was like, my neck and my back, all that.
Now we get in the party, she partying,
smoking hookah with them, everything.
We run into some people-- - Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You partied with these people you hit?
- Eve started partying with them.
- I mean, what do you have to say about this?
You wrecked the car that your friend put her credit card on.
You don't pay for your vacation.
Then when you get in a wreck, you damn go and party
with the people who you hit.
[laughter]
Oh, you just gonna smile?
Did they have insurance?
- Nobody in Jamaica want to use insurance.
- Mm-mm. - They don't play that.
They're like, fix my car.
Give me money right now. Like they don't play.
- Yeah. - That's true.
- And you can't leave Jamaica with a debt.
- So why didn't you just make her pay before she got
back on the plane with you?
- How is she gonna pay?
- Eve, do you work? - I'm retired.
- From what, stripping? - Military.
Army. - Oh, the army.
- Oh, OK, well, no wonder-- - Thank you for your service.
- You're welcome.
- Shut your ass up.
Why are you taking a broke-ass friend on vacation?
- Well, the problem is, a broke friend be fun as hell.
They ain't got nothing to lose. They're like, let's do it.
- No, you know what, Ms. Pat?
Like, bottom line, Eve's been my girl 20 years.
- I don't care if she been your girl since the first Eve
when the real Eve made us have our cycle.
She got no damn money.
[laughter]
- Oh, my God. - Come on, jury.
- People only do to you what you allow them to do.
Like, so if you being used, at some point,
you have to stand up for yourself
and stop being-- you know, using them.
And, Eve, do better, Eve.
- I have a heart.
- Yeah, in your [bleep].
[laughter]
I've heard everything I needed to hear.
You knew your friend didn't have no money
before you paid for this trip.
And you, Eve, what you did was not right.
You could have made monthly payment and pay her back.
Even if you didn't have it all, you could have gave her $50
a month if you really cared.
- She don't have it.
She don't have it.
- And DC gonna pay.
- For sure.
[laughter]
- Ms. Pat, he still got a checkbook.
That's how he's paying the bills.
He got-- - Ah, that wasn't no checkbook.
- Slapping cash.
Cash you slap down.
- I need you to smile a bit harder, Eve.
Somebody got your back, girl.
- I see him.
- We got to help these soldiers.
- I'm gonna settle this right now.
[tense music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
♪ ♪
The plaintiff, Delita... - Yes.
- In the amount of $4,500.
- Yes.
- It's not her responsibility to take you on vacation.
[gavel bangs] - I object. Can I object?
[laughter]
- Let me have that money, DC. [laughter]
- You are dismissed.
All right, young ladies.
- Come on, Bailiff, the next case before I
have to go to Jamaica.
Let me see the hair.
- She said it was trash,
and that's why it's in a trash bag.
- Yeah, and that's how he gave it to me too.
- Oh, shit. - Ooh.
- Oh. - [laughs]
- All right, jury, we're not here to party.
We're here to judge these fools, OK?
So let's get the party started.
Come on, bailiff, let's do the dang thing.
- This is the case of Thomas versus Thomas.
- Plaintiff Kelvin Thomas is suing his ex-wife,
Wysika, for $1,200.
He claims he provided her a business opportunity
to sell hair on his behalf at her salon
and she failed to sell them.
Defendant Wysika Thomas claims that the hair
is "unbe-weave-ably" bad and unsellable.
She wants Ms. Pat to dismiss the case.
- So, Kelvin, why are you here?
- I'm suing my ex-wife for $1,200.
I brought a product, which is hair, for her to sell,
and she never paid me back.
- Wysika? - Yes, ma'am.
- I can't believe I got that right on the first try.
- Oh, you did. [laughter]
- Tell me why he brought you here today.
- My ex-husband told me that he had
some hair for me to sell.
I didn't look at the hair.
He just told me that he had a business opportunity for me.
He gave me, like, three bags of hair.
The hair was bad quality, and it was just trash.
And I was trying to sell it, you know,
but only thing I could do is sell, like, $200 worth of it.
- Why did you say the product was trash?
- Because most of it is synthetic hair.
- Nobody buys synthetic no more
but old women who go to church.
[laughter]
Did you ever call Mr. Thomas and tell him,
this hair is trash?
My [bleep] hair is straighter than this stuff.
- Wow.
- My [bleep] hair?
- I told him, but he just a pimp.
He just-- - He's a pimp?
- To me, I just feel like he's pimping me.
- Ain't no way in hell he no pimp with them braids
sitting on his neck like that.
- I can see his thoughts and dreams through the braids.
- So he's trying to make you turn hair tricks?
- Yes.
- And how long was y'all marriage?
- About 13 or 14 years.
- So why did you guys decide
to get into the hair business together?
- Because I'm a hairstylist,
and he just thought that I can be a good hustle
to get off the hair.
- So you're a hairstylist, and he want to be hustling?
[laughter]
- No, but I'm an entrepreneur for real, though.
- Boy, I love when people throw around
that word "entrepreneur."
Ooh, I remember the first time I learned how to spell
that word "entrepreneur."
I was selling crack that day.
[laughter]
OK, Mr. Entrepreneur, what do you entreprenue?
- I have a production company.
I do videography. I sell hair.
- What kind of videos?
- Music videos. - No porn?
- Commercials. I do that too.
- Porn? OK. I could tell.
I think I saw him in one.
[laughter]
- You watch that much porn?
- I mean, you know, way.
[laughter]
- Oh, my goodness.
- I'm grown. - It's OK.
I mean, do what you gotta do.
- There's nothing like being a master--
what is that little saying they say?
- A masturbator?
[laughter]
Was that what you was about to--
- Is that what you were-- - I know.
- I thought the same. - What is it?
A master of none?
- Oh, a jack-of-all-trades...
- A jack-of-all-trades and a master of none.
- And a master of none.
[laughter]
- So did you ever give him the hair back?
- No, I brought it with me here.
- Let me see the hair.
- She said it was trash,
and that's why it's in a trash bag.
- Presentation is off.
- Yeah, and that's how he gave it to me too.
He gave it to me--
- Oh, shit. - Ooh.
- Oh. - [laughs]
- This some crunchy shit right here.
This look like ramen noodles.
[laughter]
- That's a synthetic lace wig. Synthetic.
- The smell on this thing.
- It's just so bad.
- Let me see the blonde one, Kourtlyn.
- Why do they smell so bad?
- Came from her house, not my house.
- What do you think? - That's synthetic hair.
[laughter]
See, you see, I just couldn't sell the hair.
- Just smell it.
- Ooh. [laughter]
- You can catch contact off that.
- Mr. Thomas, this your product?
- Yes.
- Where did you get this hair from?
Did it fall off the back of a train?
- Wholesale.
- From where?
- Some ho who was selling it.
[laughter]
So, jury, help me out here. Help me out here.
- How much were you selling per bundle?
- $20 to $30 a pack.
Well, it came out to about $2,500.
- The real hustler is whoever sold you the hair.
[laughter]
- Well, Pat, I tried on the hair,
and my head is still itching, so...
[laughter] I don't--
- Yeah, she was just hitting her head.
- Yeah, it was still itching, and I just really--
I just want to ask the wife, when you was married to him,
was his braids like this, or--
[laughter] - What are you saying, Carmen?
He came here looking like a Black Stewie from "Family Guy"?
[laughter]
- That's exactly what I'm saying.
That's exactly what I'm saying. - That was a good one.
- OK, before I go and make my decision,
any final words from you, Kelvin?
- You say it's church old lady hair.
Why didn't she just go to an old church and sell the hair?
- Oh, come on.
- Maybe the funeral home might buy it, but--
[laughter]
- Kelvin, you should be ashamed of yourself.
You got your ex-wife out here selling
these endangered species.
[laughter]
Wysika? - Yes, ma'am.
- I don't know how you can agree to go
in business with your ex.
It's your ex.
You got into a bad marriage, and then you went
into bad business with him.
- Yeah.
- After considering the facts of this case,
I'm going to settle this right here and right now.
[tense music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
Wysika. You don't owe him shit.
- Thank you.
- You ain't gotta pay that man nothing
for that bootyhole hair. [laughter]
- Bootyhole hair. - Y'all get out.
Get out of my courtroom.
- Thank you.
[applause]
- Kelvin. Kelvin.
Take your shit with you.
[laughter]
- OK, just leave it here.
I'll figure out something to do with it.
[laughter]
- What was in that bag was a murder case.
That hair was so rough, it couldn't even be cremated.
[laughter]
- She's bringing me to court about hands being burnt.
- She heard it. She heard it. He heard it. We heard it.
[laughter] OK? She did that.
[laughter]
- All right, jury, we're here to jury today.
- Let's do it.
[upbeat music]
You do look good.
- I know. I saw myself in the mirror.
- Good.
- Garrianna, you don't think I look good today?
- What'd you say?
We got cases to handle, Patricia.
Let's get going.
That's crazy.
- One more "Patricia," and I'm gonna beat your [bleep].
Let's get this case started before I be in jail.
- This is the case of Bass versus Flagler.
- Tiffany Bass is suing her friend Damienne for $600
for busting some pants and damaging other clothes
from her boutique.
But defendant Damienne Flagler says
although she may have heard a pop,
she didn't see any damage.
And there is no way Tiffany can prove
she caused the busted bottoms.
- Thank you.
- All right, Tiffany,
tell me, why you here today?
- I came here today to sue my friend for $600
for damaging my clothes.
Damienne came into my boutique, tried on about three items.
She left without purchasing anything,
so I didn't think anything of it.
So about 10 minutes later, another customer came in,
took some clothes into the back,
and she was about to try them on.
But before she tried them on, she noticed a stain,
so she brought them back up to me
and said she didn't want to try anything on.
So after she left, I logged on to social media.
She left a bad review, saying that nobody
should come to my boutique.
I went back and checked all the items that Damienne tried on.
One of them, she had busted the pants.
And then on a dress, she had makeup on the sleeve.
And then she had the stain.
- What kind of stain?
- [sighs] A bloodstain.
- Her period? - Yes.
- OK.
- So then I called Damienne, and I was like,
Damienne, you damaged some of my clothes.
And she was like, well, I could have busted one of them.
I did hear something pop,
but I don't know anything about the stains.
- What do you have to say to that, Damienne?
- I am telling you today, that is not who I am.
For one, that is trifling.
Now, honestly, I did hear--
I might have loosened the seam a little bit.
But when I checked the pants,
there were no holes or anything like that
in the seams of the pants.
- You don't remember busting the pants?
- No. No, no--
- Was your monthly on that day?
- Your Honor-- - I know that's personal,
but I gotta find out where the blood came from.
- It's personal, but as a friend,
she should know I've been on birth control for five years.
I don't even bleed. - Oh, Lord.
I don't know.
My inside's frozen, so--
[laughter]
- I have not bled in five years,
so that's why I'm trying to tell her,
there is no way it could be me.
- OK. - I don't even have periods.
- OK, don't have period, period.
- Period.
- So, Tiffany, how do you know this was blood?
I mean, you could do red lipstick.
- I got evidence. - Huh?
- I got evidence. - She got evidence.
- Ooh. - Let me see the pictures.
- Look, I love a little evidence.
- I know it was the blood.
[laughter]
- Oh, wow, you definitely busted the pants.
- That's makeup.
- This in between the legs? - Yes.
- Somebody have on no drawers. - Exactly.
[laughter]
- And how do you come to the $600?
- I totaled up all the items.
- The items that was damaged?
- Yes, yes.
I really want more for pain and suffering.
[laughter]
- Do you have a receipt for the price for each item?
- No, I don't have a receipt.
- So how are we gonna break this down?
- Right.
- With the items that I just--
- You want me to do the math?
I got a GED.
[laughter]
Don't be coming in here working me.
You didn't bring no receipts.
- Hello.
- It was a two-piece, a dress, and some pants.
- OK, so we looking at $200 an outfit?
- Yes. - At a boutique?
- I mean, well, didn't you just hear my story?
[laughter]
- Yeah, we heard.
- OK, see, here's my problem.
You said you heard a rip,
but you didn't say anything to her.
- Oh, I told her.
I told her I heard a rip, but there was no rip there.
- Mm-mm, she told me once I called her
that she heard a rip.
- Yes, you did say that.
- But what I'm saying is, when we examined the pants,
if I would have seen loose threads...
- But you-- - I would have said something.
- You heard them pants say, girl, stop.
- And that's why I stopped.
And that's why I stopped.
- I know that's why you stopped,
'cause them pants were screaming.
[laughter]
- Tiffany Bass is suing her friend Damienne Flagler
for $600 for ruining clothes at her boutique
and causing her to get a negative review online.
Now their relationship is busting at the seams,
and Ms. Pat is looking to get to the bottom
of this fashion faux pas.
- Can I see the review?
- It's in the folder I gave you.
- OK.
"I noticed a stain in the pants.
"It was definitely blood.
"I decided not to try on any items.
This was my first and last time going to this boutique."
- Mm. - Damn.
Yeah, that'll kill your business.
That type of review will kill your business for sure.
- Is that your only bad review?
You perfect?
- No, I'm not perfect, but that's the only bad--
- Everybody leave there, they're satisfied?
- Mainly, yeah.
- So, jury, come on. Help me out here.
Garrianna, what do you think?
- We know about the rip heard round the world.
She heard it. She heard it. He heard it. We heard it.
[laughter]
OK, she did that.
- All right, Jordan, what you think?
- I think if your big ass heard the rip,
your big ass must pay the tip.
[laughter]
- But where the clothes at now?
Did you wipe the makeup off?
You gonna give her the clothes that you
want her to pay $600 for? - I can.
- Does she get to keep them? - I can.
- You sold them clothes. Them clothes is long gone.
[laughter]
- All right, I'm gonna settle this right now.
[tense music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
♪ ♪
The plaintiff, Tiffany.
- Exactly.
- You asked for $600, but I'm gonna split
my judgment the same way she split that seam.
[laughter]
I'm giving you $300.
$200 for the dress she split
and $100 for dry cleaning 'cause I truly believe
you could have dry-cleaned that stuff and nobody
would have never known.
They do it all the time, and they put it back on the shelf.
- Yes, ma'am.
- This is me settling it. [gavel bangs]
- You are dismissed.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- Period. - Period.
[laughter]
- Girl, you is showing it all today.
Jesus Christ. [laughter]
Sir right here in the front row,
you, sir, you got an eyeful the whole time.
[laughter]
That's what you call having Black ass in your face.
[laughter]
What other court show have an ass like that?
- I'm suing because she don't clean up after herself.
I went to go get a razor and realized
that she already used my razor and left the hair on there.
- Ms. Pat, don't touch that.
Oh, yeah, that's booty hair.
- My fiancée slashed my tires out,
and she wrote "bitch" all over it.
- And I'd do it again.
- Now, don't get me wrong, you look like you cheat to me.
- Yeah. - Yes, definitely.
- I had to replace the balcony door.
We had to replace our rug.
Everywhere is wet. - I didn't do that.
- Step number one to recovery, don't be lying to your sister.
And if you do lie, learn how to lie.
[laughter]