- You ain't never met a judge like me.
- Your Honor! Your Honor!
- Shut the hell up, and let me get this thing together.
Hey, y'all. I'm Ms. Pat.
I know the inside of a courtroom.
Went to jail for selling cocaine.
Now here I am, sitting on this side of the bench.
- Put my faith in your hands. - I ain't God.
I don't love you.
These are real cases with real money on the line.
What'd you do with the $5,000?
- I'll let you know.
- Well, I'm here. Let me know.
- Let's just wrap this up,
'cause I'm getting very irritated.
- You keep running your mouth,
you ain't going to get nothing.
Court is now in session.
Baby, don't do me, do Jesus because he got
more patience with you, OK?
[gavel bangs]
- Stand up for the judge who has
no problem telling you to sit your ass down,
the Honorable Ms. Pat.
- Hey, everybody.
Thank you.
Please, have a seat.
All right, jury, y'all ready to get it on?
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's get it on.
- Let's get to the truth in here.
- All right, bailiff.
- This is the case of Boyd versus Wagstaff.
You may now enter.
- Plaintiff Jasmin Boyd is suing her best friend, Raven,
for $350 in hair and makeup services,
claiming that Raven's glow-up went down without a payment.
- Hello.
- Hello, Your Honor.
- Defendant Raven says she doesn't owe Jasmin jack
and is countersuing for $1,000
because Jasmin's ex wrecked Raven's car.
And that's a motor makeover she's got to clean up.
- OK, before we get started, I just
want to let you know that this is a jury of my peers, OK?
Don't let them get your wig in a knot.
[laughter]
- Ain't going to happen.
- They're going to say stuff that doesn't matter.
Stay focused on me.
OK, Jasmin, please tell me why we're here today.
- I am here suing my lifelong friend, who happens
to be my BFF, Raven, for $350.
I did her birthday slay, hair and makeup,
and she refused to pay me.
And I do not work for free.
- OK.
Raven, tell me your side of the story.
- Girl, you know, you is a Carlee Russell ass lie.
[chuckles] But I'm going to just tell you, Judge,
I was over her house.
She would do my hair and makeup,
and she does do a phenomenal job.
Just so happened, I don't know what was discussed
between her and her boyfriend.
But he came in, and he said, Raven,
can I use your car to go to the store?
I said, absolutely not.
And so, finally, I stepped outside
to get some air because, of course, she has no AC.
- I really need you to take a breath.
I don't want to give you CPR.
- [laughs]
- And so as I stepped outside to get some air,
I'm looking around--
where the hell is my car at?
I come back in.
Jasmin, I know you didn't let Silk a.k.a.
"Slick" take my car.
- His name is Silk.
- But he real slick.
- Oh, OK, he's slick. OK.
- Yeah.
So she calls him, calls, him calls him.
He's not answering.
Finally, when he calls her back,
he tells her he was in a wreck on Northside Drive.
Only thing I know on Northside Drive
is Dreams, the strip club.
- Girl.
- And he didn't have my permission.
So at this time, I'm countersuing her for $1,000
because I want my deductible that I had to pay back
for my car because she begged me
not to press charges on my stolen vehicle.
And look at what position I'm in now.
- Silk. - Damn.
- Jasmin, you left that little detail out of your testimony.
- OK.
- Your Honor, just because that was my boyfriend
does not mean I'm liable for him taking her car.
- So she had a key to your car? - No.
- No, she doesn't have a key to my car.
- I have a key ring.
When you walk in, you know... - You hang up.
- You hang up the key ring.
- So he stole-- he pretty much--
- I don't know.
I wasn't privy to the conversation.
- He absolutely did.
- Yes, I sent Silk to the store for me.
- Look at me. - Silk...
- Stop.
- Rides his bike.
- Well, he rides a bike?
- Yes, because he does not have a license.
And he's not driving my vehicle,
so Silk rides his bike.
- He doesn't ride his bike.
He rides her son's Huffy.
- It don't matter who the owner is--
- OK, well, it's not his.
He has no ownership. [gavel bangs]
- Looky here.
[laughter]
- Her son's Huffy.
- You let your man ride your son bike?
- First of all, I don't think that who bike--
Silk's ride isn't the issue because he's
not here about the bike.
- OK, you got a grown-ass man who ride a bike.
- No, hold on. Hold on.
- And he's not a cyclist.
- We're not going to say I sleep with Silk.
Silk is the kid's big brother, the babysitter, Your Honor.
We going to just call it for what it is.
- So let me ask you-- [gavel bangs]
Let me ask you this. - Which one is it?
- Let me ask you this, Jasmin.
- Yes, Your Honor. - Look at her.
- I'm looking.
- Do she look like she would loan her keys
to a man that paddles?
[laughter]
- Yes.
- Jasmin, you can't [bleep] the [bleep].
- OK.
- You allow this man to come in your house, where you do
your business, and take from your customers,
and go and wreck their car.
And you're going to tell me that you
actually believe that she gave this bum her car?
[laughter]
- I got pictures, Your Honor.
- OK, please, let me see these pictures.
- You know I brings the receipts.
- I have receipts myself.
- OK, well, whatever.
- What kind of car was this?
- That was a Rogue 2013.
- Look like he drove it into the strip club.
- So let me ask my jury, OK?
Jurors, please, help me out here.
- Silk is wrecking the bike.
He wrecking the car.
He wrecking the friendship.
- And he wrecking Jasmin's life...
- OK. - Ooh...
- In that order. - [bleep].
- Before I make my decision, do either one of you ladies
have a last remark?
- At this point, I just wished all of this would be over with,
and I could go back to living my best life
without being involved in her and her scandals,
and her bum-ass men.
- She'll be back.
They all come back.
- Ooh.
- I am not responsible for what he did,
regardless he live with me or not.
I did work.
And I like to be paid for my work
because I do not work for free.
- I've heard everything I needed to hear.
[gavel bangs]
[suspenseful music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
♪ ♪
The plaintiff, Jasmin, for $350
because you did the makeup, and the hair, and the wig.
I'm also ruling in favor of Raven
for her countersuit for $1,000.
Jasmin, that means you're on the hook for $650, sister.
I think you're really delusional
about your boyfriend.
From one Black woman to another one,
you really damaged a good friendship.
First of all, let me say this to you.
She supports your business.
She come over, and she say she's
sat in your hot-ass house, and let
you do her hair and makeup.
That's the first thing.
And that wasn't the first time she there.
She came here.
She gave you your props.
She said you does a wonderful job.
So that means you're not at a salon.
She comes to your house whenever she get ready to get
her wig and makeup done.
- No, that's not true, Your Honor.
We're not going to paint that narrative.
- I'm just trying to tell you,
you're messing up a friendship
over your boyfriend or friend, whatever
he is, babysitter on a bike.
[laughter]
You sitting here with attitude.
You ain't my friend.
I don't care because had Silk wrecked my bike, baby,
your wig would have came off.
You would have thought I was DC Curry.
[laughter]
Now that settles it.
[gavel bangs]
- Thank you, Judge.
I really appreciate it.
You guys, too.
Thank you.
- That's it.
- I met some mean women today.
- Well, she had a right to be mean.
Her man's riding a bike.
[laughter]
- Silk out here acting polyester.
[laughter]
- You should say, I fell and hit my head.
That is more believable.
- [scoffs] Come on, man.
Can y'all be serious?
- Please, tell us to be serious in Ms. Pat courtroom.
[laughter]
- Now, we going to have some fun.
- What a day.
- We are.
- Bailiff, you ready? - Let's go.
Let's do this.
- Well, let's go on and do this home run.
- All right.
This is the case of Ramsey versus Larocque.
- Plaintiff Ron Ramsey
is suing his cousin Javon for $1,000.
Ron says when he went to his cousin's house
to help him install an above ground pool,
he's the one who took a spill.
The injury caused him to miss work
and his bank account to be dry.
- That's how you get on the flight early on Southwest.
[laughter]
- Defendant Javon Larocque says his cousin
is a scam artist with a history of slip and falls.
And he refuses to be his latest victim.
- Ms. Pat, you're even prettier in person.
My God, I must say. - Hey, man.
Hey, brother.
- Hey, don't play about Ms. Pat.
- No, I wasn't even--
- Don't talk to my jury.
- Oh, they started with me. They started with me.
- Hey.
- We just being observant, bro.
[laughter]
- All right, Ron, tell us why we're here.
- I'm suing my cousin, Javon Larocque, for $1,000
to replace the days I missed at work.
- OK. - I went over his house.
He wanted me to help him put up a pool,
so I told him, put the dogs up.
He let the dogs out.
[laughter]
- Who? Who? Who?
[laughter]
- Finish.
- I went to pick up one of the panels for the pool.
I turn around. I see one of the dogs.
I'm like, oh, oh, oh, and I'm able to catch myself.
But I didn't see the other one, and like, oh, oh, oh.
And I just--I fell.
And he started laughing like he is now.
- Lies, all lies.
- He said he was going to pay for it.
That's why I'm here. - OK.
Javon.
- Ms. Pat, he's lying-- - Why?
- Just flat out.
He's been a liar.
Those crutches are probably lies.
Like, he didn't do nothing, OK?
So I go to my shed to go get some tools out.
I come out.
He's rolling over on the ground, oh, my leg.
Help me.
Oh, help, help, help.
I had to actually help him get up.
- That's a lie, Your Honor. He ain't touch me or nothing--
- I did. I did help you get up.
- You laughed is what you did.
- Wow.
- He said your dogs came out.
- Man, my dogs are always out.
Those--they sweet little dogs.
You can't--they really, really sweet.
- You got any evidence?
- I do have some evidence.
- Bailiff, help me out.
So you scared of a small dog?
- He got an English bulldog.
You know what those things can do?
- They're small.
- But they take down bears and stuff like that.
- These are the dogs. - Yeah.
all: Aw. [laughter]
- Baby.
[overlapping speech]
- Don't even look like they run around at all.
They just lay and look good.
- Right. They just lay around.
- OK, let's be realistic.
He's there to help you out.
- Trying to help me.
- He put your pool together.
He get hurt...
- Yep.
- On your property because your little
dog ran up and scared him.
If somebody else would have came
on your property, that wasn't your relative,
you would have had to pay.
- But see, hold-- this is not the first time
he had an injury on his ankle.
It's been like that for years. - Yeah.
I did get injured, and I knew he was going to bring that up.
That's no secret.
- So do he--let me ask you something, Javon.
Do he have a pattern of exaggerating his injuries?
- All the time.
All the time. - Prove it. Prove it.
- Javon, you have a witness here?
- I do. I have one. - Come on up.
- Cuba Gooding Jr., he brought Morris Chestnut with him.
[laughter]
- Sir, please state your name for the court.
- My name is Tyson.
- You got a last name? - OK, Marlow.
- Tyson Marlow?
- Yes, ma'am.
- OK, tell me how you know Frick and Frack.
- Ron and I have been friends for, oh, 30 years.
- OK.
- This fella here, he like to lie.
- Do he?
- Oh, he rather tell a lie on credit
than the truth for cash.
[laughter]
- Why you say that?
- We had a minor fender bender.
I looked over, and I said, did we just get hit?
By the time I looked back over there,
he was on the ground with a neck brace on.
He wanted me to be involved in the story, and I refused.
You a lying sack of dog poop.
[laughter]
- Go back to your seat. Thank you, sir.
- You're welcome.
- That didn't prove anything.
- So who finished helping you put your pool up?
- My son. - How old is your son?
- Four.
[laughter]
- Jesus, Ron put him to work. - See?
That's what I'm saying.
And my son didn't even slip.
- I don't want to hear nothing about what kind of dad
I am ever again.
- My God, they about to call Family Services on your ass.
[laughter]
- All right, let's go to the jury.
Come on, help me out.
- Ron, the crutches are too short.
You should say, I fell and hit my head.
That is more believable.
- [scoffs] Come on, man.
Can y'all be serious for a minute?
I mean--
[laughter]
- Please, tell us to be serious in Ms. Pat courtroom.
[gavel bangs]
- Order in the court.
Can you tell me why do you need the $1,000?
- Because I'm still missing work.
I was in physical therapy.
It was going fine.
And then when this happened, it almost
had to start over again.
- The real question-- before you went over there,
how close you come to healing?
- I'd say about 80%.
- What? - Really?
- Yeah.
- All right. Javon.
- Yes.
- You knew your cousin already had weak ankles,
plus you said yourself that you think
he be faking all the time.
You shouldn't have never invited him over.
And Ron, as for you, you shady as hell.
Maybe you're accident prone.
I don't know.
I just know you got these crutches,
and you need to pull them up about two more notches
to fit you.
[laughter]
Here's how I'm going to settle it.
[gavel bangs]
[suspenseful music]
I'm going to rule in the favor...
♪ ♪
Of the plaintiff, Ron,
in the amount of $200.
You said yourself he was 80% together.
20% of $1,000 is $200.
That settles it.
[gavel bangs] - Thank you.
- You are dismissed.
- And you better not trip on your way out
because we ain't got no more money around here.
[laughter]
- Ain't nothing wrong with that boy ankle, Ms. Pat.
- I kind of believe something is wrong with him.
- It's something wrong with him,
but it ain't nothing wrong with his ankle.
[laughter]
- We went to Miami.
She promised to pay me back.
- What was the purpose of the trip?
- To have a baby together. - [laughs]
- Wait, hold--hold--hold--hold--
wait a minute. [laughter]
- Hey, jury.
How y'all doing?
- We're good. - Lit.
- Go on, call in the next set of fools.
- Let's go.
This is the case of Lee versus Lamont.
- Plaintiff Tyrice Lee is suing his best friend, Ashley,
for half the cost of a lavish Miami vacation,
after they agreed to have a friendship baby.
But defendant Ashley Lamont argues that Tyrice told her
he got her expenses on the trip.
And even though she backed out of the baby making pact,
she shouldn't owe him anything.
- Damn, she walked in tougher than you.
[laughter]
[gavel bangs]
- Be on my side, y'all.
- Mm-hmm.
- They sure can see you with that yellow on.
That thing got you in a chokehold.
- He look like Frozone.
- Hey, that's exactly what I thought.
She ate that.
[laughter]
- Who's that?
- All right.
Why are you here today, Tyrice?
- I'm here today to sue my best friend--
well, former best friend--
Ashley, for a trip we went to Miami last year,
for about $2,702.98.
And that's the half that she agreed to pay me with.
I paid for her flight, hotel, drinks, excursions, jet skis.
- Oh, [bleep].
- And then she said she was going to pay me back
because her check hadn't come.
And she kind of remind me of tomorrow that never come.
- That's philosophical.
- When it came time for her to pay you,
you stopped hearing from her?
- Stopped hearing from her.
- Tell me your side of the story, Ashley.
- Tyrice told me he had me.
He told me to just come down there.
So I got my ticket down there.
When we came back, he just started asking, like,
so you got my money?
And I'm like, what you mean, the money?
You told me you had me on this trip?
- So was y'all ever in a relationship?
- No, a friendship. - Friendship.
- But I love her. - Yeah.
- Like, spend the night.
We'll sleep in my bed, and don't nothing go down.
- What was the purpose of the trip?
- To have a baby together.
- Yeah, yeah. - [laughs]
- Wait, hold--hold--hold--hold--
wait a minute.
- So y'all are intimate?
- No, we ain't intimate.
We both broke wrist gang.
You know what I'm saying?
So you know what I'm saying?
- So you gay?
- No, I'm fluid.
I don't like to be put in no box.
If I meet you and I like you, male, female, trans,
it don't matter to me. - OK.
- If we got the right kind of energy, it can go down.
- You what we call in the straight community greedy.
- Ooh. - Oh.
- Yeah, I eat it all up, baby.
- OK, you fluid, and you a lesbian.
- Yes.
- And so you was going to let him
get you pregnant so y'all can have a friendship baby.
- Yeah, old-time, good old sex.
- So Ashley, do you want to carry his baby?
- Yes, I do.
- So y'all trying? - Yeah.
- We ain't trying because she ain't--
I ain't talked to her since Miami last year.
- Wait a minute, she ran out with your money
and the vagina?
- Mm, mm, mm.
- Yep. [gavel bangs]
- Tyrice wants half the cost of his vacay
he shared with his friend Ashley.
But Ashley thought agreeing to have his baby
should be more than enough payment.
Ms. Pat is about to settle it.
- Did you guys discuss how you was splitting costs
before you went on this trip?
- I got all the evidence right here, Your Honor.
- All right, well let me see the evidence.
- Oh, yeah.
- She said she paid for her flight--no.
She paid for her hotel--
no.
She paid for her food and drinks--no.
She paid for her excursions--no.
- Look like you had a pretty good trip, $5,405.98.
Good God almighty.
[laughter]
Ashley, did you have any idea how much
money you was blowing through?
- Oh, no.
I was just enjoying the ride because I ain't
never did nothing like this.
I ain't never been, you know, winding down like this.
- The thing is, Your Honor,
when we first went on the trip, she started off
with, like, chicken and broccoli.
Then she started upping the ante and went to steaks,
then lobsters, clams, I mean, all kind--oysters.
- He started hooking me up to stuff like that.
You were showing me something new.
[laughter]
- You want her to have a whole baby.
You don't want to buy no shrimp?
- Every time? - Yes.
- Every time?
I don't mind shrimp,
but lobsters, every time?
- Maybe she pescatarian.
[laughter]
- She ain't pescatarian because she
was trying to get some meat.
[laughter]
Why didn't you pay him back?
- Because I'm telling you, we was going
to do the baby thing when we--
- Oh, she wanted to pay with the puss.
- All right, jury, help me settle this.
OK?
- I believe that he's still owed his money because
even she said she owe him money.
But do she owe him a baby?
Mm-mm.
- I mean, she dress like Beanie Sigel,
but if that's what you want, you go get it.
- You my girl.
You got the free trip.
She didn't give up no punani.
I'm with you. You winning. You winning. You winning.
- Tyrice, give me your final thoughts, baby.
- Your Honor, I just want my money back that Ashley
promised to pay me. - OK.
- We had a great time.
Those cover all expenses, flight,
hotel, drinks, fun, and more.
- All right, what's your final words, baby?
- I'm sorry, and I do miss our friendship.
Well, that's a big number.
That's a big ticket, and you know I ain't got it like that.
- I really wish you would have just told me,
hey, I'm struggling.
I'm broke.
I'm struggling and broken.
Right now, I can't pay you.
- I really was, but I really was embarrassed.
- OK.
- Sometimes when we don't have money,
we get a little bit embarrassed.
You ever been broke and embarrassed?
- No, sir.
I used to steal.
[laughter]
After hearing everything you both had to say,
it's time for me to settle it.
[gavel bangs]
[suspenseful music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
♪ ♪
The plaintiff, Tyrice,
in the amount of $2,702.98.
She took the trip.
Then she realized she couldn't pay for the trip,
so she ran off with the snatch.
A piece of advice, don't get pregnant
until you have paid this bill.
[gavel bangs]
That settles it.
- You are dismissed.
- Next time you can cut the top off your turtleneck.
[laughter]
- Give her a hug.
Aw. [applause]
- There y'all go.
Yeah.
[laughter]
- What did you do with the money, Jackie?
- I wanted to start my own business doing pottery.
- Don't look at it like that.
- This is a piece of bread.
- When I was showing her, she was like,
what the [bleep] is this?
She a dream killer.
- You said right here, if you see a roach,
there will be no rent.
- We got a written contract.
- I got a GED. I can read, sir.
- And that's great. I'm glad you can.
- Whoa.
- I let Crystal borrow
a very expensive piece of jewelry,
and she lost it.
- I cannot start because, girl--
- Y'all some crying-ass bitches.
- I'm sorry. [laughter]