- You ain't never met a judge like me.
- Your Honor, Your Honor!
- Shut the hell up and let me get this thing together!
Hey, y'all. I'm Ms. Pat.
I know the inside of a courtroom.
Went to jail for selling cocaine.
Now here I am 25 years later,
sitting on this side of the bench.
- I put my faith in your hands.
- Don't put your faith in my hand.
I ain't God. I don't love you.
I'm using everything I learned on the street...
Don't nobody owe you nothing.
To solve dispute
that are tearing real family and friends apart.
- I ain't care they find out. What's his is mine.
- We ain't married.
- And we brothers. - Hey.
These are real cases with real money on the line.
What did you do with the $5,000?
- I-I'll let you know.
- Well, I'm here. Let me know.
And I'm bringing my own family and friends
to court as my jury.
Their opinions are like diarrhea.
It belongs in the toilet.
- You out of order!
Matter of fact, this whole damn courtroom is out of order!
- Y'all may have started it, but I'm going to settle it.
- Let's just wrap this up
because I'm getting very irritated.
- You keep running your mouth, you ain't going to get nothing.
Court is now in session.
Baby, don't do me, do Jesus,
'cause He got more patience with you, OK?
[dramatic hip-hop music]
- All rise for the only TV judge
who has a rap sheet of her own, the honorable Ms. Pat.
♪ ♪
- Please be seated.
Hi, jury. Y'all ready to do something today?
- Let's go. - Nope.
- We ready to do it. We ready to do it all.
Talk to me now. [laughter]
- Let's roll, baby. Let's roll.
- This is the case of Presley versus Taylor.
- Plaintiff Shantaya Presley loaned her ex-best friend,
Uncle Bill, $4,200 to compete in a beauty pageant.
When Bill didn't win,
she claims he refused to pay her back.
But defendant "Uncle Bill" Taylor claims
Shantaya harassed him at his work,
causing him to lose his job as a hotel manager.
He feels like they're more than square.
[dramatic music]
- Now, before we get started, I just want to let y'all know
this is a jury of my peers.
They're like menopause. They going to come and go.
My opinion's the only one that matters, OK?
All right, so we have Shantaya? - Shantaya.
- So Shantaya? - Yes, ma'am.
- OK. Uncle Bill?
- Bill Taylor.
- Look here. Y'all ain't come here to change your damn names.
Uncle Bill?
[laughter] - Aunt Pat?
- [laughing] Oh. - Look here, boy.
You better find somebody to play
with that [bleep] glitter-ass jacket on.
- [laughing] - Don't play with me, baby.
Play with your mama, 'cause she the one who pushed you out.
- Ooh. - All right.
Let's get it started.
- I'm here because I loaned his ass $4,200 for a pageant.
And-- - A what?
- A pageant.
- What the [bleep] is a pageant?
- Pageant. - A pageant.
- So who was in the pageant? - He was in the pageant.
The pageant was in Mississippi. He lost.
And he don't feel like he owe me my money.
- You loan him $4,200? - I did.
- To be in a pageant?
Because you believe that he could win the pageant?
- I knew he could.
- Was he going to pay you back if he won?
- He was going to pay me back.
- And you was going to be bragging that you help him won?
- I was like, "That's my uncle."
That's Miss Bill. He won the pageant.
That's what I was going to say.
- So you got mad at your uncle because he went to Mississippi
and lost to some country bumpkins?
- He did.
- I got first runner-up, so it wasn't a loss.
- He wasn't that. He wasn't that boy.
He wasn't the better contestant.
- It ain't nothing like a pretty girl
who talk [bleep] country as hell.
- I'm from Mobile, Alabama, though.
- I can tell, bitch. - OK!
[laughter] - I can tell.
- I'm just saying. - OK, OK. I'm done with you.
Let me hear bright jacket.
Uncle Bill, tell me what's going on.
- All right.
Now, Shantaya, she did loan me some money.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I did say, yeah, I'll give your money back.
But she got me fired from my job,
so I don't feel like I owe her anything.
I feel like we even.
- Where did you work at? - I manage a hotel.
- How did she get you fired from your job?
- She was calling up there. She was like, where's that B?
That's what she was calling--saying--calling my--
- She call you a bitch? - In my job, yeah.
- What I don't understand, Shantaya,
if you want money from somebody,
why would you get them fired?
Then they can't give you nothing.
- Allegedly. [laughter]
When he lost and he thought he wasn't going to pay me,
they made me feel a little way.
Then he stopped answering the phone.
So if you don't answer your phone,
I'm going to call your job.
And if you don't answer, I'm going to talk to your GM,
and we going to talk every day. [all exclaiming]
That man ran with me for many years.
He know.
When it come down to my money, hun, ain't nobody exceptional.
[laughter] - Girl.
- When they see me, they be like, oh, that's Ms. Tay.
She going to get her some money.
- Can we get a interpreter in here?
I don't know what the hell she has said the whole time.
[laughter and applause] Jesus!
- I sponsored your Denny's that Friday morning
when you got up for registration.
Let's get that understood. - You said what?
- I sponsored his Denny's, the grits, waffles,
the hash rounds. - Hash rounds?
[laughter] - Hash rounds.
- She sponsored the dentist? [Ms. Pat laughs]
I'm so confused. I'm lost. - Excuse me.
Are you trying to say Denny's the restaurant or his dentist?
- She's trying to say Denny's - Denny's!
- Huh? - Denny's.
- I've never met nobody who talk worse than I do.
- Uh-huh.
And I'm quite sure you graduated high school.
- Oh, I graduated college with honors.
- We can't tell bitch,
'cause my GED made me sound better than you.
- Where you graduated? - OK.
- I'm a real--listen. - Oh!
[gavel bangs] - Get over here.
You better get him. - No, I'm going to get you.
Because I will take off this wig
and I will become Uncle Bill if you don't shut the hell up.
- Period. [laughter and oohs]
- Period. If you keep running your mouth,
you ain't going to get nothing.
I'm going to mess around and get Uncle Bill your money
so he can buy another [bleep]-up jacket.
- Oh! [laughter]
Now, you can stand there like you cute all you want to,
but I'm cute too.
Because it's a bitch on the inside of me
look just like you.
- That part. [laughter]
That part. [applause]
- Now, Uncle Bill.
How much was the pageant, Uncle Bill?
- The pricing varies. She gave me $4,200.
That was for various things.
She could have paid for a hotel.
She could have paid for a suit.
She could have paid for me to get there, gas.
- So did you take her $4,200 that she gave you
towards the pageant to buy these things
so you can be in the pageant?
- Yes, period.
- Can y'all bring in the evidence
of his clothes, please?
Let me look at these clothes.
It looked like you robbed Willy Wonka.
[laughter] - Oh, [bleep], baby.
That's the devil in the red jacket.
[laughter] - OK.
So Bill, how long after the pageant
did she start harassing you?
- Oh, the next day.
- What did she say, Uncle Bill?
- Bitch, how you go down there and lose a pageant
in Jackson, Mississippi? [laughter]
- Let's just wrap this up,
'cause I'm getting very irritated.
- You don't run nothing in here, baby.
- I do, and when I find out where you work again,
you going to get put out again. - Oh!
- Shantaya, you got the worst attitude in the world
for to be in this courtroom trying to win some money.
- I'm a very heavy girl.
- What do you mean, heavy?
- She got money.
- He didn't know I had one bust down.
- So you up here flexing because you got a Rolex?
- That ain't all I got. - Let me tell you something.
You ain't got to brag about what you are.
All you got to do is carry yourself
like a beautiful Black woman that you are.
And it's gone--everything is going to fall off of you.
We all feel it. - That's how you feel?
- That's what I know.
What are you talking about you a heavy girl?
I'm fat, but I'm loved.
- Yes.
- You're beautiful,
and don't nobody want to be around your ass.
So calm that [bleep] attitude down.
Say Amen, Ray J.
- Amen!
[laughter]
- Before I go out here and make this decision,
either one of you have anything to say?
- Fact of the matter is we signed a contract.
- Now that I think about it, all the stuff that she did,
I feel like she owe me $4,200.
- OK. All right. I heard enough.
I'm going to settle this right here, right now.
[dramatic music]
And I'm ruling in favor of...
Uncle Bill.
- Period.
- You're not going to pay her nothing.
If you wanted your money back,
you should have took him to court
before you harassed the hell out of him.
To me, you guys are even.
[gavel bangs] Y'all get out of my courtroom.
[applause]
- Ah!
- You-- I don't like you. You can go.
- You are dismissed.
- I never heard of the word heavy like that.
We just left Mobile.
They was heavy,
but that was from the chicken fingers at the club.
[laughter]
Your mama stole your car?
- Yes, Your Honor. - Ooh.
- You may be grown,
but you ain't going to be grown-er than me.
- Damn! [laughter]
- Jury, you are blessed that I even think
you worthy of being on this jury.
Don't let the power get to you. [laughter]
Bailiff, get to bailin' before you be locking me up.
- This is the case of Funderburk versus Funderburk.
- Plaintiff Maya Funderburk is accusing her mom
of grand theft auto and suing her for $3,300,
the price of a set of rims she purchased
for a 2013 Jeep Compass.
Defendant Tamica Funderburk claims she's not a thief
when the car is legally in her name.
So she's countersuing her daughter for $425
to repair the car's cracked windshield
when she reclaimed her time and her car.
- Maya, come on. Tell me why you're here today.
- I'm suing my mother for $3,330.
She stole my vehicle with my rims on there
that I had just purchased.
- Your mama stole your car? - Yes, Your Honor.
- Keep going. I want to hear more of this.
[laughter] - Who's name that car in?
- Mama, you going to be quiet. - Oh.
- It was a gift from my grandmother.
When I got the vehicle, I was a minor,
so the title went in her name.
And she just been procrastinating
to put the title in my name after I turn 18.
- Mm.
- We got into an argument because she was moving slow.
So she took the car.
- Well, hell, Mama. What you got to say about all this?
- Oh, yeah. She was mouthy. all: Ooh.
- She was mouthy? - She was mouthy.
- OK.
- And you can't be mouthy in my house where I pay my bills at.
- OK. - You may be grown,
but you ain't going to be grown-er than me.
- I know that's right. You hear that, Garrianna?
- I'm not listening.
[laughter]
- Yeah. Is she for real?
Keep going, Mama.
- It's consequences in my house.
If you want to be rude and disrespectful and talk back,
OK, that's cool.
That mouth, I don't-- I don't do mouth.
- Come on, Mama. You do mouth. [laughter]
Come on, Mama. We all do a little mouth.
What type of car is this y'all fighting over?
- It's a Jeep Compass.
- And the rims were $3,000? - Yes, ma'am.
- What year is the car?
- The whole car or just the rim?
- 2013. Just the rims. - Wait a minute.
You put $3,000 for rims on a 2013?
Girl, the insurance company
ain't even going to cover the car.
They going to cover the rims. [laughter]
Do you have any proof Grand Mama
intended to give you this car? - Yes, ma'am.
I brought a video. - OK, give me the video then.
What a video grandma at?
- Hi. My name is Sheila.
I am the grandmother of Maya Funderburk.
I gave Maya a Jeep Compass for graduation.
This car was meant for my granddaughter Maya always.
[all exclaiming] - Ooh!
- Grandmother said it.
[applause] - Yes, y'all know what it is.
- Grandma tripping. [laughter]
- I seen your mama. She look like she cut people.
[laughter] - Yeah, she don't play.
- Your Honor--
- What did you say to your Black mama...
- [laughing]
- To make her take the whole car back?
- She was sitting on the couch, and I said,
"Mama, are you going to go anywhere?
If not, then I'm just about to go."
She didn't like that.
I guess my tone was too aggressive.
[laughter] - Tone matters.
- Yeah, tone matters. Mama, how did she say it?
- Oh, she was like, it ain't my fault
that your car been down for three months.
That's my car. - [laughing]
Wait. - Ooh.
- Did you forget who your mama was?
- Ooh. - Oh, no.
- Obviously, she did.
- You lucky she ain't repossess your life
when she repossess the car.
[laughter] - What is your question?
- What's your sign? - Aries.
- [screams] - Oh, it all makes sense.
[laughter] It all makes sense now.
- I am a Aries. - All right.
[laughter]
- So are you countersuing her? - For $425.
Because when I took the car back,
there's a big-ass crack in the windshield.
- Do you have proof that the windshield is fixed?
all: Ooh. - Well, damn.
Is the windshield fixed? - It is.
- Where your receipt? - I got it.
[dramatic music] - Ooh, bailiff.
Get it, baby.
♪ ♪
- It's a quote. - So--oh, excuse me.
This ain't no receipt. This say a quote.
You went in and asked. [all exclaiming]
- She want money for looking at the crack.
[laughter]
- Mama, play "Candy Crush." Don't play me.
[laughter]
So Maya, you had an argument with your mama.
What does she do with the car? - She slept in the car.
- Sure did.
- Because she said that I wasn't taking the car anywhere.
- Sure did. Got my little cover, judge.
- [laughing] - Got in the driver's seat.
Oh, you won't sneak off in the middle of the night
while I'm sleep.
- I've done that. If you ain't got nowhere
to hide your car from the repo man, you sleep in that bitch.
I did that so many times when I miss so many car notes.
[laughter] [Ms. Pat chuckles]
By the time he hook it up, you take off.
[laughter] - I would try that.
That's smart, Pat. Thank you.
- I've heard everything I needed to hear with this.
Let me just say, a mom is hard to come by.
You can't be talking back to your mama
no matter what age you are.
Tamica, you got to stop treating her like she a kid.
You did the ultimate ghetto [bleep].
You might as well use a Social Security number.
[laughter]
So now I'm going to settle it.
[dramatic music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
the plaintiff, Maya Funderburk,
for $3,330.
[cheers and applause]
Sometimes, as parents,
we think we can push them around because we have them.
But this is a grown-ass woman. You didn't buy that car.
You knew one day you were going to give that car back
because she turned 18.
That settles it. - Thank you, Your Honor.
Thank you, thank you. - You are dismissed.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you!
- She tried to get me this. - She tried it, she tried it.
- See, if that were Carmen, she would have took the word
quote off the top of that bitch and said it was a bill.
- OK, 'cause I know how forge some [bleep]!
[laughter]
- OK, look. Do you feel like you the underdog sister?
- She always had a one up on me.
- I could relate to her. - Why?
'Cause Brandy had a bigger career?
all: Ooh! [laughter]
- OK, jury, I'm in a great mood, so that means
I'm going to let you say all the mean things, OK?
[laughter]
- All right. Let's see how long this lasts.
- Let's get judging. Bailiff.
- This is the case of Suggs versus Suggs.
- Plaintiff Kendra Suggs is suing her older sister
for $2,300, the amount to cover damage
she says was done to her home when her sister, Kayla,
had a rager at her place while she was out of town.
Defendant Kayla Suggs says she just had a little gathering,
and her little sister needs to loosen up.
She didn't break anything personally
and is not responsible for paying for anything.
- Well, tell me why you here, Kendra.
- I let my sister stay at my place while I was gone,
and she irresponsibly decided to throw a massive party.
They destroyed my stuff. They stole some things.
I'm just here to get my money.
- OK, Kayla. What you got to say?
- As someone who is an introvert like Kendra,
she might see a get-together as like a big crazy party.
But to an extrovert like me,
we just had some people come over and have a fun time.
- So you had a house party in an apartment?
- I wouldn't say it was a party.
It was a get-together.
- How many people was that this party total?
- I can't give you a total number because I can't--
- Round it up to the nearest hundred.
- I'll say, like, about 30.
- Oh.
- How many bedrooms is this apartment?
- Two. 1,200 square feet.
- You got 30 people in a 1,200-square-feet apartment?
- Ah--
- So Kendra, when you came home,
what did your apartment look like?
- I had stains on my carpet in multiple areas.
My brand-new couch that I got had stains all over it.
- Holy cow.
- Ms. Pat, they even drank my 1942.
- Ooh, bitch. - Right? Right?
- Oh, no. Not the 1942.
- So I was appalled. - What's the $2,300 for?
- So-- - I know your 1942 is 200.
- Right. Replacing the blinds, replacing the key fob,
cleaning the couch, and then replenishing our food
that they ate and, like, the rest of the bottles and stuff.
- Do you have proof of these damages?
- I have a couple pictures I brought.
- Y'all don't drink this girl 1942.
[laughter]
- Is that a blood stain? - That's not blood.
That's not blood. [laughter]
- This carpet looked like it was brand-new too.
- When I moved in, they did put in a new carpet.
[audience murmuring] - I can tell.
And she got all this red, white, blue, green.
- I see the plastic red cup.
- Baby, any time them red Solo cups show up, it's a party.
- Yes. [laughter]
- They don't show up for get-together.
It's a party.
You ought to be damn ashamed of yourself,
throwing a party at the Little Mermaid house.
[laughter]
- I'm not going to say it didn't have a little mess-up.
But to bring your sister, your blood to court
over $2,300 and she knows I don't have that?
- Don't use blood in here. You act up, you get sued.
Whether you a sister, brother, aunt, cousin,
I don't give a damn if you my child.
[laughter] You got my money, you get sued.
- That's what's up. - I will sue my mama.
[laughter] - OK.
- Plaintiff Kendra Suggs is suing her older sister, Kayla,
for throwing a huge party in her little apartment,
causing $2,300 in furniture damages
and drinking her bottles of 1942.
Ms. Pat is trying to settle it.
- Kendra, how is your relationship now?
- We did have a large blowout at my mom's place.
And we didn't talk for a extended amount of time.
So that's why I'm here today. - Jurors, help me out here.
- The facts are all here, Judge Pat.
You've got 30 people, 1,200 square feet, 1942 liquor gone.
It sound like an orgy. [laughter]
- Kendra, do you have any last words that you'd like to say
before I make my decision?
- I do.
She's done little things before,
but this was the pin in the haystack, you know?
- No. - No.
- What is the-- what's the phrase?
- Icing on top. - The needle in the--
- This is the icing on-- the cherry, the icing.
- The needle in the haystack.
- The straw that broke the camel's back.
- It's OK. You live in the ocean.
I don't expect you to speak the language
that we speak on land.
Kendra, she's trying to get your attention.
Somewhere, somehow, your sister felt like she'd been ignored.
Because it looked like the focus has been on you.
And she's trying to get just a little bit of that spotlight.
Kayla, do you feel like you the underdog sister?
- I do. I'm the shorter one.
She was a cheerleader in high school.
I was one of the emo kids.
And she always had a one up on me.
And I just feel like now that she has her own apartment,
her relationship is going well, that she wants to be able
to just take some stuff out on me some more.
It really, really hurts.
- But Kayla, you're not a kid. You a beautiful girl.
You don't need 40 people in a two-bedroom house
to get the attention that you need.
- I can relate to her. - Why?
Because Brandy had a bigger career?
[laughter] How can you relate to this?
- I mean-- [laughs]
You just-- [laughter]
- I'm going to settle this right now.
[dramatic music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
Kendra for the full amount of $2,300.
You did mess up her carpet.
If you don't want to be the underdog,
stop doing underdog [bleep].
It's going to be OK.
I want you to give each other a hug.
- I'm sorry. - Aw.
- OK. [applause]
- Y'all get out of my courtroom.
- You are dismissed. [applause]
- Could you really relate to that, Ray J?
- Yes. I need a minute.
- Sit your ass down. [laughter]
- [indistinct] claims you've been pimping
him and his brother.
- Well, I gave Justin life. [laughter]
- She getting child support from her child.
[laughter] - That's right!
- I'm here because I'm suing my best friend, Joshua.
I let him move in. I got him a job.
I got him a cell phone.
- Brandon, I think she got your rent money on her hand.
- Oh, absolutely, Your Honor. Absolutely.
- I'm here to sue my cousin
because she owes me for bottle service.
- She drunk the bottles because you ordered a bottle.
- Yeah. She had a lot of it. I can tell.
- Um-mm. She's not. Um-mm.