- You ain't never met a judge like me.
- Your Honor, Your Honor!
- Shut the hell up
and let me get this thing together!
Hey, y'all. I'm Ms. Pat.
I know the inside of a courtroom.
Went to jail for selling cocaine.
Now here I am 25 years later
sitting on this side of the bench.
- I put my faith in your hands.
- Don't put your faith in my hand.
I ain't God. I don't love you.
I'm using everything I learned on the street...
Don't nobody owe you nothing.
To solve disputes that are tearing
real family and friends apart.
- I ain't care if he find out. What's his is mine.
- We ain't married. - We brothers.
- Hey.
These are real cases with real money on the line.
What did you do with the $5,000?
- I'll let you know.
- Well, I'm here, let me know.
And I'm bringing my own family and friends
to court as my jury.
Their opinions are like diarrhea.
It belongs in the toilet.
- You're out of order.
Matter of fact, this whole damn courtroom is out of order!
- Y'all may have started it, but I'm gonna settle it.
- Let's just wrap this up, 'cause I'm getting
very irritated.
- You keep running your mouth,
you ain't gonna get nothing.
Court is now in session.
Baby, don't do me, do Jesus.
'Cause he got more patience with you, OK?
[upbeat music]
- You are the people. You are the jury.
And I'm the good-looking bailiff.
[laughter]
All rise for the honorable Ms. Pat.
♪ ♪
- I don't know how good-looking he is, but y'all can sit down.
OK, Bailiff, what's the first case?
- This is the case of Jones versus Rowell.
- Plaintiff Dynasty Jones
is suing her baby sister for $2,000
to cover a canceled trip.
She claims her sis bailed on babysitting duties
and made Dynasty miss a sexy vacay
with a dream man who was gonna feed her pasta and lobster.
So shellfish of her.
Defendant Deprintice Rowell says she is always watching
her sister's kids for free,
and this time, she had to handle her own damn business.
Not her kids, not her lobster, not her problem.
- OK, before we get started,
I just want to let you know that this is my jury, OK?
Their opinion is like
a social media influencer with 50 followers.
Nobody gives a [bleep].
[laughter]
OK, Dynasty Jones, tell me why you're here.
- I asked my sister Deprintice to watch my kids
for the weekend while I went to New York,
and she never showed up,
so I'm here to sue her for $2,000.
- Deprintice, did you agree to watch your sister kids?
- No, we talked about it, but I did not agree.
- Have you ever watched her kids before?
- Of course, yeah, they're my babies,
but she got two of 'em. They run rampant.
Nah, they do too much. They be fighting all the time.
It's hard to break up the fights.
Her kids' just too bad. I just can't.
- [laughs] Wow.
- They too bad.
- I can tell from her hair dye those kids are bad.
- Oh.
[laughter]
Do you typically pay your sister to watch your kids?
- No. What I look like?
[audience groans]
- No, that's my sister, I'm not paying her. No.
- Just because she look like her daddy
don't mean she's a daddy. [laughter]
- That's baby daddy number two,
I want all to know.
Mm-mm, you responsible for them kids
just as much as I am.
I ain't trying to hear it. Nope.
They say it take a village. - Let me tell y'all something.
Y'all got to get out of that village crap.
Ain't no villages around here. We buy houses now.
- Yeah, I get it. OK, I'ma back it up.
OK, I had a white boy on my roster,
something like that. - What did we do?
- Uh-huh, he was feeding me pasta and lobster.
- Pasta and lobster? - Pasta and lobster, yes.
- [laughs]
- And he invited me to go to New York for the weekend.
She agreed that she would watch them and never showed up.
- So you mad because you missed the pasta and lobster?
- And my bed friend. What you mean?
- What the hell is a bed friend?
- A bed friend.
- When I ain't got nobody to lay in the bed with me,
I go lay with him, and we do our thing.
You know how that go, Your Honor.
- You suing your sister for $2,000
'cause you didn't get no white penis,
and no lobster, and no macaroni and cheese.
- I needed that white meat that weekend, girl.
- White meat.
[laughter]
- Chris, is this what white men want Black women to do--
eat lobster and macaroni and cheese?
- And then have sex with us? Yes.
[laughter]
- Oh, yeah, Chris.
- So what are you suing her for?
You say she owe you $2,000. - Mm-hmm.
- How does she owe you $2,000?
- I believe getting prepared for a trip
costs more than the actual trip itself.
- Do you have any receipts? - Yes, I do, ma'am.
- I got to see these receipts.
♪ ♪
What is it for?
- For nails, hair, clothes.
I had to get lingerie, all of that.
- You got to do all that before you go eat lobster?
- Girl, yeah. What you mean?
- Deprintice, did you know your sister was a ho?
[laughter]
- I knew.
- Deprintice, where was you?
- I was in the studio trying to get us out the hood.
- So what do you do? - I'm a rapper.
[laughter]
- Let me hear you spit something.
I'ma tell you if you're gonna get out of the hood.
- ♪ Let me spit it ♪
♪ Let me go ahead and hit the beat ♪
♪ She looking at me like DP ♪
♪ You looking like some meat ♪
♪ That I just want to grill and put you on a plate ♪
♪ I want to cut you up and eat you up, OK ♪
♪ I woke up this morning, I ate Frosted Flakes ♪
♪ 'cause I just woke up great ♪
- All that eating. - Yo.
[laughter]
- She done made Ray J hungry.
He gonna have to whip out a snack.
- Yo. [laughter]
- All right. Come on, jury.
- I guess I want to know what did the white boy
on the roster say. Was he mad? Was he upset?
- Oh, baby, he was teed off.
We ain't talked since then. Mm-hmm.
- But if you have to pay for everything,
that's like, a waste of a white boy, ain't it?
- Kind of.
- Some would argue it's always a waste.
[laughs]
- Why the white boy couldn't just come to you
once your baby sitter flaked?
Y'all could have had lobster and pasta at your crib.
She a side chick, I get it. - Ooh! Ooh!
- I just-- - Ooh! Never.
You gonna want to tell somebody about me.
Believe you me, I don't do side.
[laughter]
- OK, this is real easy.
What you have been doing, Dynasty,
is taking advantage of your sister.
- Ooh! - You--ooh, hell.
She didn't have no kids.
You are a very selfish woman.
You need to get a backbone. Tell her no.
So let me settle this once and for all.
[dramatic music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
♪ ♪
Deprintice, you do not owe your sister $2,000.
I don't have no problem with you
being a woman of the night.
[laughter]
You gotta make sure that somebody there
to watch them during the day, and it ain't her.
Get your ass out of here.
- You are dismissed.
- Ray J, what chances do Deprintice
have of getting a Grammy?
- A Grammy's tough.
[laughter]
- You're her sister but you his witness?
- Yes. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- Yes. - Tell me more, girl.
- I blame the mother.
- Well, you don't tell me how to love my child!
- Y'all need counseling.
- Let's keep it simple and cute, jury.
Do your damn job, OK? - Gotcha.
- Yes, ma'am, yes. - Got it.
- Absolutely. - All right.
- OK, Bailif, go and start bailiffing.
Do what you do. - All right.
This is the case of Jones versus Peterson.
You may now enter.
- Plaintiff Harrison Jones is suing
his irresponsible fiancée Nakara for $5,000
for running rings around him, literally.
Nakara lost her first engagement ring
so charged a second one on Harrison's account.
Now Harrison's paying off both.
The defendant Nakara Peterson argues
that, since they are getting married,
what's his is hers,
and he should pay to put another ring on it.
- So, Harrison, tell me why you're here today.
- Well, Your Honor, I'm here to sue my fiancée for $5,000.
About two years ago, I bought her her engagement ring.
She lost it on her birthday. - Aw.
- She then decides, without me knowing,
to go buy another ring,
and she puts it on my account, and that's $5,000.
So now I'm paying for two rings
that I can't barely afford.
- Nakara, do you dispute anything that he's saying?
- Your Honor, I did lose my engagement ring
celebrating my 30th birthday.
I went to go get my nails done.
I went to go get something to eat,
went out for drinks.
Somewhere along the way, it was lost.
I actually took it very hard. I cried.
- Wow.
- So you replaced the second ring
on his credit card.
- Something like that.
I wouldn't say it was fully on his credit,
but yes. - Yes, it is.
- Mm, Harrison, you have the receipts?
Any proof? - Yes, I do.
- Let me have it, Bailiff.
Appreciate you, Bailiff.
- Mm-hmm.
- I see the charge for the ring, OK.
Are you still paying on the two or three rings
that y'all got lost?
- I'm still paying on the rings.
- So if you're still gonna marry her,
why are you here?
- Well, I just feel like she's a little irresponsible.
And I-- - So what do you want me to do?
Spank her?
[laughter]
Who is it you have with you? 'Cause I thought
it was your side chick. - Nah.
I have my sister with me today. - Oh, your sister?
Come on up, sister.
Child, I was like, "This boy done
"brought his sidepiece and his fiancée in here.
We're gonna have to take off these wigs and fight."
[laughter]
State your full name for the court, sweetheart.
- My name is Nicole Ingraham.
- And what is your relationship to these lovely people?
- Well, this is my sister.
- You're her sister, but you're his witness?
- Yes. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- That's drama right there. - Yep.
- So how are you involved in this?
- I've been dealing with her losing stuff
my whole entire life.
Like, she loses stuff way too much,
and she doesn't care, and she didn't cry that night.
I was out with her, and she just kept drinking.
She was like, "It's my 30th, let's go crazy.
I'll get another ring." - Whoa.
- Tell me more, girl.
- She expected him to buy another ring.
And I said, "That's not how you're supposed to do it.
You're supposed to do it with your money."
And she was like, "His money is my money."
You're about to get married.
You have to grow up, contribute to the household.
- I do,
and you can't put everything in money.
As a mother... - See?
- I do a lot that I can't equate to money.
I didn't work 12 hours today. I was with three kids all day.
So I feel like I deserved it.
- Oh, Lord. - No.
- Thank you. You are dismissed.
- Thank you.
- I can tell you one thing.
A $5,000 ring is a lot of money to regular people,
and I don't know if you regular people,
'cause I ain't even gonna judge you
'cause y'all in here with your Christmas outfits on,
gold and green.
[laughter]
- I'll bet. - He's not playing.
- Like a tall Maxwell.
[laughter]
- Why aren't you married yet?
- I'm just afraid that she gonna keep going along
with fumbling the bags.
- Fumbling the bags? What bags you gave her?
- I mean, the money.
I give her a lot of money,
like her titties she got on her.
- Her titties? - Yeah, I paid for that.
- Wait. - Mm-hmm.
- You bought somebody a A cup?
- Yeah.
I took her overseas to get it done.
- I wanted to be natural.
I wanted to look, you know, good, not cartoonish.
- All she needed was a couple drive-throughs
through the Chick-fil-A, and that'll make her
gain some titty.
That's how I got mine.
[laughter]
- I mean, this baby done lost everything.
I can't believe she ain't lost one of the kids.
[laughter]
- Let me ask you something, Harrison.
Is there any final remarks?
- Yes. - Yes?
- I just want you to know I love you with all my heart,
but you got to pay up.
You got to take accountability so I won't feel how I feel,
going forward on our marriage.
- Nakara? - I really love you,
and I don't want you to feel like,
due to my lack of responsibility,
that I care any less. - OK.
I can tell you one thing.
If I lose a $5,000 ring, it's gonna ruin my night.
- It did ruin my night.
- But you kept drinking. - I did.
- I wouldn't have left that restaurant
without my $5,000--
I would have searched everybody coming out of that place.
- After we ate, I did go back.
- And my hand would have been in everybody's drawers
at that restaurant. - Oh, yes.
[laughter]
- So you didn't do enough for a $5,000 ring.
But you all talking about your love,
and I know the snatch must be good,
but damn, I can't even believe
that y'all can finish a sexual activity together.
Y'all so irresponsible.
[laughter]
I mean, she forgets stuff.
She forgets you on top of her and just walk off.
[laughter]
OK, it's time to settle this once and for all.
[tense music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
♪ ♪
Nakara.
She don't owe you $5,000. - OK.
- Come on, now, you about to say I do,
and now you want her to pay.
It don't work like that.
When you get married, you do promise
to share everything, including the truth.
And don't you ever in your life
wear that shirt again.
[laughter]
- What's wrong with my shirt?
- Dude, I thought you was an old-ass couch
walking in here.
[laughter]
I don't know where you bought it from,
but, baby, you should ask her to lose it.
[laughter]
Go on, get out my court.
I've got another case. Go on.
- You remember that time I lost my engagement ring in Indiana?
- She lost her ring at my house,
and she booed the [bleep] hoo.
- I cried for three days.
- I thought she thought I stole her ring.
- No, you didn't.
But y'all want to know what I did?
- I went back home, and I got a ring made
exactly like it, and my husband never knew.
- Her husband never knew. - No, he never knew.
- Did you think he wasn't gonna find out?
- I ain't care if he find out. What's his is mine.
We brothers. That's the point.
- We ain't married, [bleep].
- Ooh.
- Look here, jury, somebody's gonna
come in this courtroom and try to play us today,
but we're gonna handle our business.
- We--listen. - OK, let's do it.
- We got your back.
[upbeat music]
- All right, Bailiff, go on and do your job
so you can feed your kids. - All right.
This is the case of Andrews versus Snowden.
- Plaintiff Curstin Andrews is suing his brother
Tevin for $300,
after Tevin used Curtin's Cash App
to buy him some brand-new Jordans.
But defendant Tevin Snowden swears
little bro Curstin promised the sneakers for his birthday.
He was just speeding up the process.
- You got some little hound dog eyes.
[laughter]
OK. You guys are brothers?
- Yes, ma'am. - Different daddies?
- That's right. - I can tell.
[laughter]
Curstin, why are you here today?
- I'm here to sue my brother for $300,
because he decides to go in my phone
and use my Cash App to buy him a pair of shoes.
But he recently moved in with me
because our mother kicked him out.
- Dang.
- So I was the only backup plan for him.
I really ain't got much to say to him
until I get my money back. - Tevin, why are you here?
- He told me he was gonna buy me the shoes
for my birthday.
That's how it originally started,
but him taking forever, I went and got 'em myself.
- Did you think he wasn't gonna find out?
- I ain't care if he find out. What's his is mine.
We brothers. That's the point.
- We ain't married, [bleep].
- Ooh.
- Wow, language.
- Don't say the MF word. This is church.
[laughter]
- Yeah.
- Curstin, tell me about your relationship.
- Before all this began, we was close.
But ever since he moved in,
my money ended up missing, my car being took,
my clothes being worn, and then my food being ate up.
- Drawers too?
[laughter]
- Nah, nah.
- Let me see these damn shoes.
- Oh, let me show you how I drip my thing.
Let the ball bounce. [imitates shoes squeaking]
Pssh, pssh, pssh, bow.
These are Spike Lee editions.
Yeah, I had to get these.
- And you got on a pallbearer suit.
[laughter]
So you have a witness?
- Yes, ma'am, I do. - OK.
Come on up, ma'am. - Ma Dukes.
- That's our mother.
Don't go and snitch on me.
Always taking his side, anyways.
- State your full name for the court, please.
- Keisha Davis. - Keisha Davis.
Both of these are your sons?
- [sighs] Yes. - Oh.
- His daddy was a pastor. His daddy was a gangster.
I didn't know, OK?
All I could do was pray.
- Ma'am, what do you want for your sons?
- I want them to get theyself together.
Curstin is--is OK.
Tevin, I'm so worried about him.
I'm just hoping that he gets on the right path.
I'm not about to lose my eyelashes.
- Just let it flow. Let it flow.
- I thought she's worrying about losing her child.
She's on the damn eyelashes. - Right.
[laughter]
- Thank you for your testimony, ma'am.
- All right, thank you.
- All I want them to do is, you know what I'm saying,
is show me love.
They treat me like trash, like an outsider.
- Y'all need counseling. - Yes.
- This is deeper.
- It is not brotherly love as Curstin Andrews
is suing his brother Tevin for $300 for a pair of Air Jordans
that Tevin bought on his brother's dime.
- You in here bragging like, "Yeah, I took their money.
What's theirs is mine."
You got a good mama, 'cause I would have
bitch slapped you.
- Ms. Pat is ready to get to the bottom
of this family feud.
- So after all this, you kicked him out.
- Oh, yes, for sure. - So where you live at now?
- I got a little shorty.
A little situation. You know what I'm saying?
I got a little situation.
- So you living with a girl now?
- Yes, ma'am. See my smile?
[clicks tongue] She pay for everything.
All I got to do is lick my lips like that.
- Oh, hell no.
[laughter]
This is the first case ever
where I 100% blame the mother.
- Wow.
- I see the pain in him.
That's the reason why he acting like this.
He helping himself 'cause ain't nobody helping him.
- Hold up. Wait a minute. - Mm-hmm.
- I worked very hard to help my sons.
I can't control where he go or who he hang out with.
All I can do is pray. I got him help.
He didn't want to stay into the program.
I just told him that I love him,
and he pushed me away.
You don't tell me how to love my child!
- Well, why did you push her away?
- Fake love. I don't want that.
- Fake love? - Ain't no fake love!
- I don't want that love. - Come up here, Mama.
Look at your mama. - He don't care.
I can't be chasing him in the street
in the middle of the night, Ms. Pat.
- Well, I apologize.
I didn't know how deep it was.
I didn't know he pushed her away.
- Have a seat, baby. You gonna be OK.
- Mama, come here.
- You'll get my makeup on you. - It's OK.
- I apologize... - OK.
- For being so judgmental.
- You remind me of my damn family.
You OK? - I'm all right.
- Somebody give him a hug. Give her a hug.
That's right. That's right.
[applause]
That's right.
- I love you so much. You gonna be OK.
I'm not gonna give up on you, OK?
Hug your brother. Y'all stop all this madness.
[applause]
- Oh, my God.
[applause]
- This case hit me hard because it's about family.
Tevin, I feel your pain.
I can see the hurt in your eyes that you want to be loved.
You actually got somebody here to love you,
but instead, you hurt them.
And I truly believe this whole case
is deeper than $300 and a pair of shoes
that he decided to buy on his own.
I'm gonna settle this once and for all.
[dramatic music]
Here's my decision.
I'm gonna rule...
[tense music]
In the favor of the family.
I don't care about these shoes. I care more about your family.
We're gonna give you the resources you need.
We're gonna give y'all some research
and $1,000 to go towards counseling as a family.
- Appreciate you. - Thank you, Your Honor.
We appreciate you.
Get your little butt over here.
- And I'll give you the $300 for your brother.
You know what I'm saying? - I appreciate it.
- All right. Go and get out my courtroom.
Wait outside for Ray J.
- You are dismissed. - This was really nice.
- I tell my kids, I'm not your backbone,
but if you truly need me, I'm here for you.
My kid's probably in the back hollering,
"You ain't shit, Mama!"
[laughter]
- I loaned his ass $4,200 for a pageant.
- Uncle Bill? - Aunt Pat?
- [laughs] - Look here, boy.
You better find somebody to play with
that [bleep] glitter-ass jacket at home.
Don't play with me, baby.
Play with your mama cause she the one who pushed you out.
- Ooh. - I'm suing my mother.
She stole my vehicle.
- This car was meant for my granddaughter Maya always.
- Mm. - Ooh.
- Grandmama said it. - Grandma tripping.
- Mama, play "Candy Crush." Don't play me.
- I let my sister stay at my place,
and she threw a massive party.
Ms. Pat, they even drank my 1942.
- Ooh, bitch. - Right?