- You ain't never met a judge like me.
- Your Honor. Your Honor.
- Shut the hell up,
and let me get this thing together.
Hey, y'all. I'm Ms. Pat.
I know the inside of a courtroom.
Went to jail for selling cocaine.
Now here I am, 25 years later,
sitting on this side of the bench.
- Put my faith in your hands.
- Don't put your faith in my hand.
I ain't God. I don't love you.
I'm using everything I learned on the street.
Don't nobody owe you nothing.
To solve disputes that are tearing
real family and friends apart.
- I ain't care to find out. What's his is mine.
- We ain't married. - We brothers.
- Hey.
These are real cases with real money on the line.
What you do with the $5,000?
- I'll let you know.
- Well, I'm here. Let me know.
And I'm bringing my own family and friends
to court as my jury.
Their opinions are like diarrhea--
it belongs in the toilet.
- You out of order.
Matter of fact, this whole damn courtroom is out of order!
- Y'all may have started it, but I'm gonna settle it.
- Let's just wrap this up,
'cause I'm getting very irritated.
- You keep running your mouth,
you ain't gonna get nothing.
Court is now in session.
Baby, don't do me.
Do Jesus, 'cause he got more patience with you.
Okay?
[hip-hop music]
- All rise for the Honorable Ms. Pat.
[tense music]
She's not a real judge, but she will sentence you
to life for being a fool.
- Y'all can have a seat.
I try really hard to find a good jury.
But it's just y'all.
[laughter]
Bailiff, start them up.
- All right.
This is the case of Calderone v. Lopez.
- Plaintiff Karen Calderone is suing
her friend, Sam, for $1,000.
She gave Sam a key to her apartment
while she was busy out of town.
So Sam brought a man over and got busy on her couch.
Karen wants $1,000 for a new couch,
and to change the damn locks.
Defendant Sam Lopez says Karen needs to relax,
and is just salty because her love life is spicier.
- This is a jury of my peers.
They're like my back teeth.
I may or may not use them.
[laughter]
With that said, can you please tell me
why you're here, Karen?
- Yes. I'm here suing my best friend
because I gave her a key to look over my house,
when I go on vacation.
And she thought it was a really good idea to come
and sleep with her man at my house.
So I'm suing her for $1,000 to replace the couch,
and also to replace the locks.
- Tell me your part, Samantha.
- I went over there with my boy toy one night,
after a fun time.
- What was the key was supposed to be used for?
- She said emergencies.
- So she gave you the emergency key,
and you used it for emergency D?
[laughter]
- Pretty much.
- I'm a single mom.
And my kids are always home, obviously.
And she was away on vacation.
I just thought it was the perfect opportunity
just to get my freak on. I mean--
- How many kids you got?
- Five kids.
- You trying to get six, seven, and eight?
- This has been, like, the second or third time
that I'm on vacation, and when I come back,
shit's [bleep] everywhere.
So I put a camera in.
And sure enough, she was doing what she was doing.
- No, she wasn't rocking on your couch.
- She did. It's actually a sectional.
And the whole other side of the--
- Wait. a sex-- - A sectional.
- No, a sectional. [laughter]
And the one side of the sectional
was completely on the other side.
- So she has sex on the sectional.
Okay. - Yeah, exactly.
- Please, tell me she didn't leave no stains.
- She did.
- So she claims.
- That's why deep cleaning it is not gonna cut it.
I'm gonna need a whole nother couch.
- Is there any way for us to see the video?
[laughter]
- 'Cause he knows all about video.
[laughter]
Just had to throw that one in there.
- You set yourself up for that one.
- That was low. - I'm sorry.
- But seriously, I want to see the evidence.
Do you have any evidence of her bringing somebody?
- I do. - Is it a video?
- Yes, it's a video. - Oh, it's a video.
- Of what?
- Let me put my glasses on for this one.
- Oh, God.
- That's that good Ring camera. - [laughs]
- Oh, girl you gotta angle it right too.
- Oh, she had him by the hand.
- Yes, she did.
- Look at him rubbing her butt.
- He grabbing her booty and everything.
- Oh.
[all whooping]
- Keep playing. Keep playing.
[laughter]
- Girl, you a freak!
- Ain't waste no time.
- You didn't even get a glass of water.
- I mean, she gave her a key and told her she could come,
so she came.
- She did what she did.
- How would you feel if she did this at your house?
- Why can't she just be happy for me?
- Because he's not good for you.
- Just be happy for her?
- She deserves a rich man, who's gonna take
care of her and take care--
- We all deserve a rich man. Ain't--
- Exactly.
Ray J, my friend.
- I got a tattoo.
- How about just somebody like Chris and be happy?
- You're not getting a Bentley.
Settle for a nice Honda.
[laughter]
- Jury, what do you guys think?
- I don't know.
I just feel like you a hater, man.
Let her get her freak on.
Ain't nothing wrong with it.
I mean, if I had to pay for every couch I got [bleep] on,
I'd be broke.
- Right.
- Can we see the stain?
- That's important. - Yeah.
- We haven't seen the actual size of the stain.
- I don't care nothing about no stain.
- We gotta see the stain. - The stain--
- Ray J, Ray J, Ray J. You are out of order.
- No, you out of order.
As a matter of fact, this whole damn courtroom
is out of order!
- You better sit your ass down.
- I'm sorry, Judge.
- Samantha, I'm not for you walking in somebody's house
and get turned upside down.
But I can understand when you're
in that heat of the moment, and, you know,
your drawers get to popping like Pop Rocks...
[laughter]
sometimes you just can't control
what things comes off at.
But you can't be tuning your rocket socket up
on somebody else's couch.
- That's right.
- I mean, think about this.
Has she not had camera, she could have came home,
put on BET+,
watching "The Ms. Pat Show," put a pillow up on her head,
and caught that whole situation in her face.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is a prime reason why all grandparents
had plastic on the couch.
[laughter]
I'm gonna settle this once and for all.
[suspenseful music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
the plaintiff, Karen,
in the amount of $1,000 for your couch.
- Thank you. - You know what?
I'm gonna throw in a black light
to make sure you can-- - Thank you.
- Find DNA in your house.
[laughter and applause]
My decision is final.
Now get your hot vagina out of here.
[laughter]
[applause]
Come on, Ray J, where's the freakiest place
you ever did it?
- In the casket at the mortuary.
- In the casket?
- Were you at somebody's funeral?
- After hours.
- Did we know that dead person? - No, no.
Nobody was dead.
It was--we was alive.
- Oh.
[laughter]
You know where our minds went.
- Came out of the bathroom. I went outside.
My car wasn't in the parking lot.
- You got catfished and carjacked,
all in the same day.
- He's a real piece of work, Your Honor.
- Are y'all in a relationship?
Have you ever had sex with that?
I mean, him.
- Would never, ever on the devil's bed.
- For real?
- Can we please get this party started, bailiff?
[percussive music]
♪ ♪
- This is the case of Mongery v. Fisher.
- Plaintiff, Nigel Mongery is suing
his best friend, Keenan, for five grand,
the amount he loaned him for a new car.
Defendant, Keenan Fisher took that car
to Jersey to meet a girl.
She stole his heart, then she stole his ride.
Keenan knows he's in the friendship doghouse,
but thought the cash was a gift.
- All right. Well, let's get the party started.
Nigel, tell me why we're here today.
- Well, I'm here suing my former friend,
Keenan, for $5,000.
I loaned Keenan $5,000 to buy a car
because he was starting a job.
And for some odd reason, he took a 15-hour trip
from Alabama to New Jersey to meet a girl he met online.
Long story short, she turned out to be a scammer.
Steals the car, and the police couldn't find it.
When he finally got back, he overslept for his job,
and lost the job before he even started it.
- Damn, man.
- Well, Keenan, tell me your half of the story.
- Did Nigel gift me $5,000? Yes.
Was it for a car? Yes.
Was that car stolen in New Jersey
by a girl I met online?
Yes.
[laughter]
- You see, he's a real piece of work, Your Honor.
- So you got the $5,000.
And what happened when you get the $5,000?
- I got the car the next day.
- Okay.
- And the day after that,
I made plans to go to New Jersey.
And I met the girl.
We hung out for a little bit.
And we decided to go get something to eat.
I went inside, had to use the bathroom.
She said she left her vape in the car.
So I gave her the keys to go get it out.
And I came out of the bathroom, went outside,
my car wasn't in the parking lot.
[laughter]
- You got catfished and carjacked,
all in the same day.
- Wasn't catfish. She was real. - No she wasn't.
That's why she ran away from you so fast.
And how did you get out of New Jersey?
Don't tell me Nigel bought you a plane ticket or bus ticket.
- He did.
[audience groans]
- Damn.
- Nigel, is you in love with him?
- No. No, Your Honor.
We talk every day because we play video games
all the time together.
- How old are you, 30 something?
- I'm 25.
- He's 20-- - 25?
Slam in again, baby.
Slam in again.
- What was this job?
- He was a Christmas light stringer, actually.
- What's a Christmas light stringer?
They put the star on the tree?
- Well, they put the lights on the houses
for people who don't want to do it themselves.
[laughter]
So he was like the little dude that climbs the ladder
and puts up the Christmas lights.
- When they wanted the elf and the lights--
- Yeah, they call him.
Yeah.
- So what do you do in this spring, in the fall?
- My friend's dad has a bouncy house business.
[laughter]
- So you loaned $5,000 to a bounce house manager
and a light stringer? - Yes, ma'am.
- Do that sound like that's a wise investment to you?
He only can make payments seasonally.
- Right.
- Do you have the police report?
- I do. It's right here.
- Let me have it, bailiff.
- Do you remember what you bought?
- I do. Yeah. - What was it?
- It was a black Chevy Cobalt.
- Victim claims that while he was on a date with a girl,
she drove off with his car.
- So that was--
that day was the last time I ever saw her.
- Sir, do you not know how to pick up hookers?
You don't give them your keys.
- I also did lose my job before I started it.
But I've got a good reason for that.
- At least he honest.
- So I went to sleep that afternoon.
And while I was sleeping,
I dreamt that I was at work.
- You overslept for your nighttime job
because it was during the day and you thought it was night?
- I thought I was already there.
- Was your shirt that tight in your dream?
[laughter]
- So let me get one thing straight.
You clocked in to your new job in your sleep?
- Yes.
- And this your friend?
[laughter]
Did you get fired in real life and in your dream?
- Not in the dream, but in real life, yes.
- If you was woke, you couldn't have got there anyway,
because you ain't had no car.
- Keenan, when he gave you that money,
he said it was a gift?
- I was under the assumption that it was a gift.
- Nigel, what did you think it was?
- We had a whole conversation, Your Honor.
- You got a text message or anything?
- Well, we sat down and talked about it verbally.
- Were you dreaming during the conversation?
- No, Your Honor.
- I don't know what you was thinking.
Do he look like he will pay back $5,000?
No.
I can't believe you was that irresponsible.
Look at him.
[hip-hop music]
[laughter]
Can't keep a steady job.
Can't buy his own car.
Don't know how to buy sex.
♪ ♪
You done robbed him.
Took all his money, he can't get no haircut.
[laughter]
Grow up, dude.
You're a nice looking man.
Go to church and tell a lie.
You'll find a wife.
I'm gonna settle this right now.
[suspenseful music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
the plaintiff, Nigel,
in the amount of $2,500 for using half of your brain.
- Well, thank you, Your Honor.
- You know damn well you shouldn't
have gave him that money.
And stay your ass off the dating app.
You don't know how to not get got.
- Just look at her, Your Honor.
I don't like no skinny woman.
- Boy, there's nothing like having a friend
that's in love with you, but he can't tell you.
- He's a great person.
But I stand on principle.
Did I give you counterfeit money?
No, I gave you real, saved money.
And I want it really back.
- Mm.
- Okay, jury, remember, I run this club.
So I need you to pay attention and speak up when I ask you to.
- Yes.
- Bailiff, start bailiffing.
Give me another case.
- This case is Nolan v. James.
- Plaintiff Rachel Nolan is suing
her best friend, Bryan, for $5,000.
She says she gave up her money for a dream body,
and instead loaned it to Bryan to help him
work with community kids.
But now, it's time to recoup the cash
and get herself snatched.
Defendant Bryan James says the money was
an investment in a good cause.
And if Rachel wants a new booty,
she should just take her ass to the gym.
- Miss Nolan, can you please tell me
what brought you here today?
- Today, I'm here suing my best friend, Bryan,
in the amount of $5,000.
The money was supposed to be used
for a mentorship program that he runs.
But the summertime came, and those numbers were
as low as my credit score.
[laughter]
- Okay, Bryan, what do you have to say about this?
- Ms. Pat, Your Honor, I had planned on paying her back.
But after the summer program didn't do well, I'm like,
damn, I got to find another solution to do it with.
- So let me ask you something, Bryan.
What was you gonna do with these kids at this youth camp?
- I was really teaching kids how to work
with their hands and have a good work ethic.
- Like what?
- Building things like pallet walls, pallet bars.
- Was you preparing them for prison?
[laughter]
- Was the camp ever a success?
- Yes, ma'am. The spring, I had 30 kids.
- How many was there for the summer program?
- Eight. - Eight?
- It was eight kids. Yes, ma'am.
- What was you charging these kids?
- $50 a kid.
- $50 a kid times 30 people
ain't going to get you her money back.
What is--Ray J.
- 50 times 30 is--
- 15-- - 1,500.
- Yeah. 1,500.
- So you gonna make $1,500 back.
You still was short. - Yes.
Yes, ma'am, I was.
- How do you support yourself?
- Well, basically, I got a home repair business.
- A home prayer business?
- Repair.
- Oh, repair. - Repair.
Yes, ma'am. - You talk like me.
[laughter]
- I thought he said he had a home prayer business
going around praying at people house,
taking their money. - Did they miss it?
- That's called a pastor, sir.
- [laughs]
- Have you ever loaned him money before?
- I've never loaned my mama no money.
- Mm. So you really must believe in his vision.
- I do.
Like, he's been active in the community
with the kids for years.
That's why I loaned him that money.
- And what was the term of this loan?
- So I gave him a year to pay it back.
- Do you have a receipt?
- I have a promissory note that I wrote and he signed.
- Let me see it, girl.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Damn.
The amount of $5,000 will be expected to be
paid back by May of 2023.
Was you planning on paying her back?
- Yes, ma'am.
I was planning on paying her back.
But she wanted to go do a mommy makeover.
- That's why she wanted her money back.
- Yeah. I don't like no skinny woman.
She's my--just look at her, Your Honor.
- Wait a minute. What--let's stop.
Are y'all in a relationship or are y'all best friends?
- We're best friends.
- Have you ever had sex with that?
I mean, him. [laughter]
- Would never, ever on the devil's bed.
- For real?
- Ooh! - [laughs]
- Rachel invested $5,000 in her friend's youth camp,
but when the kids were a no-show,
the loan repayment was a no-go.
Ms. Pat is about to tell it like it is.
- Are y'all in a relationship, or y'all best friends?
- We're best friends.
- So why are you so concerned about what her body look like?
- Because, Your Honor-- - You never had sex with her.
You're not in a relationship with her.
- I had other solutions for her.
- Your Honor.
Let me tell you what this man thought was
going to be my money replacement.
- Mm.
- So this man tried to bring me
a rusty, crusty exercise machine.
Do you--would you like to see the pictures?
- Yes, let me see the pictures.
- Baby.
- Oh, man, for real?
- I was gonna get gangrene
if I jumped on that damn machine.
I'm not taking that.
- Oh, he was trying to kill you, girl.
- What is that?
- I don't think she could have paddled that thing.
- Did I give you a rusty machine?
Did I give you counterfeit money?
No, I gave you real, saved money.
And I want it really back.
- All right.
Nolan, please, tell me your last words
before I give you my decision.
- I do want the court to know, like, he's a great person.
I'm not here to take anything from him except for the loan.
I didn't want this to ruin our friendship.
But I stand on principle.
And I need all my coins back.
- And you, Mr. Bryan James, what do you have to say?
- The machine wasn't that bad, okay?
- Oh, come on.
- It wasn't that bad.
I just had to throw it in there on top.
- I've heard enough.
Rachel, you can't give people your money.
I understand that you did it because it
is hard to find Black men that invest in the Black community.
This man tried to start a camp to instill work habits
in these Black kids.
And I'm proud of you for doing that.
- Thank you. - I truly believe that
every child deserves to start off on a solid foundation.
You didn't waste your money.
His idea just didn't work the [bleep] out.
[laughter]
Why are you crying?
- Because like you said, like, this man,
he goes so hard for kids.
- I know.
- And it's just touching to me because
I was raised by my daddy.
Like, I don't know how it feels to be raised by a mom.
That's why, like, mostly all my friends are men.
But I don't want the friendship to overshadow.
I need my money back. [laughter]
- Okay. It's time to settle this once and for all.
[suspenseful music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
Rachel.
I am gonna award you your $5,000.
But I'm also gonna make a donation for $2,500
to your account, Bryan.
- Thank you, Your Honor.
Thank you, Your Honor.
[applause]
Thank you.
- Bryan, I got one thing to say, before you go.
I'm gonna need a damn receipt for my donation
'cause I need it for tax deduction.
[laughter]
Now get out of here, and stay friends forever.
- Thank you.
[applause]
- Boy, there's nothing like having a friend
that's in love with you, but he can't tell you.
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
- I've been that man myself. - Mm.
I know you been that man, Chris.
Ain't nobody wanted you. - That's nice.
Nice.
- When I got the dress back, it was altered.
I can't even fit one titty in the dress.
- Why would you start rubbing on yourself.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Jesus Christ.
- She used my information to pay for the rental property.
- With twins, there's a good twin and an evil twin.
Who's the evil one? - Hello.
- Are you high? - [laughs]
- She forged my signature, cashed the check.
- You were supposed to remodel your house.
Instead, you went out and remodel your body?
- I have not even seen her.
- You haven't seen this? - Damn.