- You ain't never met a judge like me.
- Your Honor, Your Honor.
- Shut the hell up, and let me get this thing together.
Hey, y'all, I'm Ms. Pat.
I know the inside of a courtroom.
Went to jail for selling cocaine.
Now here I am 25 years later,
sitting on this side of the bench.
- Put my faith in your hands.
- Don't put your faith in my hand.
I ain't God. I don't love you.
I'm using everything I learned on the streets...
Don't nobody owe you nothing.
...to solve disputes that are tearing
real family and friends apart.
- I ain't care that he find out.
What's his is mine. - We ain't married.
- We brothers. - Hey.
These are real cases with real money on the line.
What did you do with the $5,000?
- I'll--I'll let you know.
- Well, I'm here. Let me know.
And I'm bringing my own family and friends
to court as my jurors.
Their opinions are like diarrhea.
It belongs in the toilet.
- You're out of order.
Matter of fact, this whole damn courtroom is out of order!
- Y'all may have started it, but I'm gonna settle it.
- Let's just wrap this up, because I'm
getting very irritated.
- You keep running your mouth,
you ain't going to get nothing.
Court is now in session.
Baby, don't do me.
Do Jesus,
'cause he got more patience with you, okay?
♪ ♪
- All rise.
God may rest on the seventh day.
This judge believes in justice all week long.
The Honorable Ms. Pat.
- Y'all can sit down.
♪ ♪
Jury, raise your right hand.
Do you swear to make me not look like a fool?
- Wait.
You're confusing me.
[laughter]
- Do you swear to not make me look like a fool?
- I can't. - I--
[laughter]
- Bailiff, start bailiffing.
- This is the case of Spaulding vs. Pleasants.
- Plaintiff Tommy Spaulding is suing
his ex-best friend Elwood for 3,500 bucks.
He claims Elwood was pet sitting
two exotic animals he planned to give his girlfriend
on Valentine's Day.
But he was wilding out and lost the critters.
Defendant Elwood Pleasants claims
it's a jungle out there,
and the animals were actually stolen
by a con man on the corner.
He says Tommy is barking up the wrong tree,
and he doesn't owe the plaintiff anything.
- Okay.
Now, these are a jury of my peers.
I may or may not listen to them.
Their opinions are like Jehovah Witness knocks.
I may or may not answer.
[laughter]
Okay, Tommy-- that's you, right?
- Yes, ma'am. I'm Tommy Spaulding.
- Okay, all right. I just asked your name.
- Okay. - Calm down.
- Okay. - You're Elwood, right?
- Yes.
- I don't think anybody else can be Elwood but you.
All right, Tommy, tell me why you're here.
- Today, I'm here suing my ex-best friend over there,
looking like ET going to church.
- Wow. - You're going to say
your friend look like ET when your hair
ain't been twisted in at least nine years?
- You the judge, so I can't get on you with all that.
- Okay, why are you here?
Why are you here?
- I had bought exotic pets.
It was a gift for Valentine's Day for my girlfriend.
And I let him hold the pets.
And when I come back, he don't know where they at.
And because she ain't get them, she broke up with me.
And I'm out the money, out a girl, and a friend.
- It was more than one pet?
- It was a pit bull, and it was a finger monkey.
- A what?
- It's called a finger monkey. - A finger monkey?
- Yeah, yeah, they're real big in Florida.
- You had your finger up his ass?
[laughter] - No, no, no, no.
They wrap around your finger.
I have a picture so you can see.
Because I know it's kind of hard.
[hip-hop music]
- What the [bleep]?
- Aw, what was his name?
- His name was Bubble Junior.
- He looked like a Bubbles.
- And the pit bull was named Wishbone.
- I know a dog is a man's best friend.
But I have no idea what a finger monkey is to you.
That sound like a sex toy.
What did Elwood say when you got home?
- He was like, "Well, uh, I let some man hold the animals.
"I turned around, and he vanished.
And I never seen him again."
And so I'm just here today to get my money back.
- Okay, Elwood, what's going on here?
- Your Honor, I knew him for about 15 years.
So he asked me pet sit them for a little bit while he go out.
All right, cool pet.
I'm walking the dog and the monkey.
I get some people coming around me checking out the animal.
This guy came up, asked to hold it.
- He wanted to hold, what, the finger monkey?
- Hold the finger monkey, yes, so I let him hold it.
And I go to turn my head for a moment, and he ghosts.
- What?
- Crackhead ran off with the monkey?
[laughter]
So you let-- - He dipped.
- A crackhead steal a monkey and a pit bull from you?
- Look, I don't know.
I just know they're hard to catch.
I don't know.
- You should never let a stranger touch your monkey.
[laughter]
Do you ever think that Elroy did a switch on you
and probably sold the damn monkey and the pit bull?
- You know, Your Honor, we've been friends for so, so long.
I would never have thought that.
But maybe you're right. Maybe he got me.
- Mm-hmm.
- Did you have all of that bling
before or after the finger monkey was stolen?
- Ooh! - You know what?
He got a good point, 'cause he never did.
- I mean, I got it from a friend.
- Yeah, the crackhead?
[laughter]
- I ain't never heard of a crackhead that runs fast.
- You ain't never been to the hood.
- Crackhead--byoom!
- Yeah, but, no.
- I sold a lot of crack.
Crackheads are fast.
- We got to talk.
- No, we don't have to talk.
I'm on the other side of the law.
[laughter]
Okay, Tommy, before I make my decision--
- Okay. - What do you have to say?
- I have to say that if that was me,
I would have just paid him his money
and kept our friendship good.
He should have had integrity.
But if he not have integrity, then we out here
to see if you gonna do the right thing.
So I'll put my faith in your hands.
- Wow.
- Don't put your faith in my hand.
I ain't God. I don't love you.
[laughter]
- That's all good.
- All right, let me settle this once and for all.
Tommy, I believe you stole the monkey.
And he lost the monkey.
You know, you probably got that monkey on a hookup.
But you want to come in here
and get full price from somebody who can't even
hardly keep his eyes open.
You're so sleepy that Frosty chain
is about to break your neck.
And you over there blinging for nothing.
You shouldn't bring that kind of attention to yourself.
Wake up.
Now, let me settle this once and for all.
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
I'm ruling in favor of...
the plaintiff.
- Yes. - Yes.
- Elwood's gonna give you half, which is $1,750.
It's only because he admitted he lost the monkey and the dog.
But I only believe half of your shit.
Case closed.
And please get your hair done with that money.
- You got it. You got it.
I will.
- You are dismissed.
- Forever.
[laughter]
I think there's something creepy
about all of these Black men wanting finger monkeys.
- My finger is happy with the monkey it's already got.
[laughter]
- And you sitting here saying you don't feel
like you should pay her back, because she had a good time.
You didn't go.
All your baby had was the shits.
- Is that the same Ms. Parker from "Friday"?
- She bad like her.
- Hey, Ms. Parker.
- [in high voice] Ms. Parker. Ms. Parker.
I had to do it.
I had to, Judge. - [laughs]
- All right, jury, pay attention,
so we can show these TV court folks what we made of, okay?
- Okay.
[hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
- Absolutely. - Y'all ready?
- Super professional. - Amen.
- All right, bailiff, give me another case.
- This is the case of Evans v. Hardy.
- Plaintiff Allison Evans is suing her cousin
for 3,500 bucks for bailing on her birthday cruise
at the last minute after she prepaid for both of them.
Defendant Sha'Ree Hardy says her daughter got sick
the day of the trip,
and she couldn't go on a hot-girl cruise
with her boatload of baby problems.
♪ ♪
- Okay, Allison, why are you here today?
- I am suing my cousin for $3,500.
We were going on a seven-day cruise to Jamaica.
She flaked on me, but we both agreed to the trip.
And she agreed to the total,
but I still haven't got my money back.
- So, Allison, you fronted the money for the trip, right?
- Yes, I did.
She was supposed to pay me back before we went on the trip,
so that way I could have my extra spending money.
- Sha'Ree, is this true, what she's saying about you?
- Yes, it's true.
I did agree with going on the trip.
Yes, I did.
But unfortunately, I had to cancel
because my daughter was sick.
And I didn't have no one to watch her at the time.
I love her to death, but I don't feel like, you know,
I owe her the $3,500.
- How long have you guys known each other?
- We're cousins.
- First, second, or third?
- First.
- Third, you can marry each other.
[laughter]
So tell me what happened on the day you got
ready to leave for the trip.
- I'm up. I'm excited.
I'm dancing all around.
I'm calling Sha'Ree-- no answer.
finally went ahead and went to the airport.
I'm about to get on the plane. I get a text message.
"Hey, cuz, I won't be able to make it.
"Maya is sick.
I'll talk to you later."
What?
- We had a communication problem.
- Yeah, you didn't call.
- Yeah, I called. - Communication problem.
- You didn't answer, and I text you back.
That's how you got the text.
- So she got sick one hour before the flight left.
This is when you found out.
- No, she got sick the night before.
- The night before? - Yes, ma'am.
And I said if she's not feeling better by the time we get up,
then I'm not going to have--
I'm going to have to decline this trip.
And I hate to do this.
- Who you say that to? The wall? Your mind? Jesus?
- No.
- The devil? - No, ma'am.
- Do you got any receipts?
- I do have some evidence.
- Let me see the receipts.
Mm. That's a lot of money--
$3,500 for a trip
that somebody didn't show up to.
- So was it 3,500 for two people,
or was it 7,000 for two people?
- 7,000. - It was 7,000.
- So 7,000 for two people.
Ooh, so you came up off seven stacks.
- And what cruise line did y'all go on for $3,500?
'Cause my friend be taking them $89 cruise.
She don't always make it back on the boat.
- I'm going to say she probably fell off.
- With this being such an expensive trip,
did you get any insurance?
- That's what I was saying.
- I didn't do the trip insurance,
only because I've never been on a cruise.
I really didn't have too much knowledge
about it or whatever.
I should have researched it a little bit better.
- Sha'Ree. - Yes, ma'am.
- You was going to go on this trip.
So if you were going to pay before you got on the ship,
where's the money?
- She was pissed, like, as if I wasn't go--
like I was lying about my child.
- You didn't even have the decency
to call her that night when you found out
that your daughter was sick.
She had at least 24 hours to find somebody
to take your place or try to work something out
with the cruise line if you could really
prove that the baby was sick.
- Your Honor, I love my cousin to pieces,
and I understand her.
But it's the way she was coming--
- Wait a minute. Hold on. - I know she was livid.
- But I was like, well, let me just let her calm down.
- How long have you left her calming down?
'Cause you ain't paid this lady.
- About six to eight months.
- Well, damn. [audience exclaims]
- Oh.
[tense music] - Chile.
- Why do you think you shouldn't pay her back?
- Because I didn't get to enjoy myself.
And I know she had a great time.
- Hold up.
And you sitting here saying you don't feel
like you should pay her back because she had a good time.
You didn't go.
All your baby had was the shits.
You could have left that baby at home.
[laughter]
So what is the logistic of you paying her back?
Or why haven't you paid her back?
- I'm working on it. I'm telling you.
I'm working on it.
- You better drive Uber.
I feel like she was ever going to go,
'cause she didn't have no intentions
on giving her her money.
I want to see the receipts from the baby being sick.
- I ain't got no receipts for all of that.
But I did have great intentions of going with my cousin.
- All right. I've heard enough.
I'm going to make a decision.
Sha'Ree. - Yes, ma'am.
- You didn't care.
You cared about yourself, and she wasted $3,500.
You were selfish.
And you ruined a relationship, and you hurt your cousin.
Look at her. Look at you.
- I understand. - Look at your cousin.
- And I don't like to see her like that.
Like I said, we was thick as thieves.
Like that-- - Well, then tell her that.
Don't tell me, 'cause I don't love you.
Tell her that.
- Well, I didn't mean to hurt you.
And I really feel messed up.
And I do feel remorse for what I did.
And at the end of the day, I should have just paid you.
- Why are you so emotional?
- I mean, I love my cousin.
You know, it was just the fact that I trusted her.
And she did me like that.
- I've had family members who hurt me like that too.
That's why I never loan money.
Now, let me settle this once and for all.
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
I'm gonna rule in favor of...
Allison.
And a judgment of $3,500.
- Thank you.
- You're a grown-ass woman.
You know you know better.
- Okay, ladies, you can just go ahead
and cruise on out of here.
♪ ♪
- You know, I would have left my child.
I would get him some Benadryl and been on that plane.
[laughter]
- I got into a whole car accident,
got to the hospital, and found out that
I did not have health insurance.
- Sydnei got a new job, and she had the opportunity
to get her own benefits.
So for her to say that I owe her,
because she didn't have health insurance,
no, no, no, doll.
- You do the motto that I live by.
[bleep] them kids.
[laughter]
- All right, put your fan up.
Energy, energy, energy. Come on.
Come on, jury.
- Okay. - We all the way live and lit.
♪ ♪
- Yeah, I know you is.
- We're happy to be here. - Let's go.
Bailiff, start bailiffing.
- All right, this is the case of Parker v. Parker.
- Plaintiff Sharnissa Parker is an old-school principal
who's given her daughter an F
over an unpaid phone bill that cost her $476.
Defendant Sydnei Parker claims her mom is
no class act herself, after she left her uninsured
and she had to pay medical bills out of pocket.
Sydnei thinks the principal is the one
who deserves detention, not her.
- Let's get started.
Bailiff, start bailiffing.
[laughter]
Oh, I got it. It's my turn.
- Who name up there?
You need to settle this shit, not me.
[laughter]
- All right, Sharnissa, can you please
tell me why you're here today?
- Your Honor, I'm here today to sue my daughter,
Sydnei Parker, for $476 for an outstanding cell phone bill.
We had an agreement that I would cover
her health insurance, and she would
cover the cell phone bill.
I had to pay that bill some of those months.
So I'm here today to sue Sydnei for $476.
- Do you have the bill here?
- Yes, Your Honor, I sure do.
- Bailiff, can you give me that bill, please?
I don't mind taking bills when they ain't mine.
Mm.
So, Sydnei, why are you here?
- I'm here because I shouldn't have
to pay her anything considering,
as she said, we had an arrangement.
She reneged and did not finish her part
of the bargain, which was to keep me
on her health insurance.
I got into a whole car accident,
got to the hospital, and found out
that I did not have health insurance.
- You paid the bill. - I paid $1,600.
- Do you have proof of the bill that you paid?
- I do have proof of that.
- Let me see the proof of the bill that you paid.
Thank you, Bailiff.
- That's just the hospital bill.
That's not chiropractor appointments,
x-ray appointments. That's what--
- You paid this bill in full?
- Out of pocket, yes, ma'am.
- So, Sharnissa, let me ask you this.
Why has it come to this-- you suing your own baby?
- It's the principle of it.
She's definitely not a baby.
She's definitely a big girl, who's out in the world
as a professional.
Sydnei got a new job, and she had the opportunity
to get her own benefits.
I got a new job and could get different benefits.
When I saw the price premium on carrying an adult child
with you and by yourself, I said, you know
what, this is a prime time.
You got a new job.
Sign up for your benefits.
You're going to be 26.
I can't carry you anymore.
I informed Sydnei her benefits with me
would be over September 1.
So it was after that date.
So for her to say that I owe her
because she didn't have health insurance--
no, no, no, doll.
- Your mama don't play.
What was you--ma'am, you was in the military?
- No, ma'am, I'm an educator.
I used to be a principal.
I still am a principal.
So this is all about standing on principle.
I teach lessons daily.
- You do the motto that I live by.
[bleep] them kids.
[laughter]
- I called her in May, so Mother's Day.
Because I'm not bitter. - You're not petty.
- I called to wish her a happy Mother's Day.
And that's when she told me that she was suing me.
- Happy Mother's Day.
[laughter]
- Plaintiff Sharnissa Parker is suing her daughter, Sydnei,
for a $476 unpaid phone bill.
But Sydnei claims she didn't pay the bill because her mom
dropped her from her health insurance
when Sydnei got a new job.
Ms. Pat is about to settle it.
- Sydnei, what is your version of this story?
- So first of all, the new job that she's referring to
did not start until October 1st.
I got into my car accident, I think, September 16th.
So I couldn't even get new health insurance
until October 1st, which she knew.
I found out when I got-- literally--
got into the accident, called my dad, called her,
said, hey, I just got into a car accident.
The ambulance is here.
They said, don't get in the ambulance.
'Cause, you know, the bill kind of high.
And then I said, do I have health insurance?
She said no. I get there.
I hand them the card.
They said, this is not valid.
What do you mean? It's not valid.
I had to get an x-ray on my hip.
- Why wouldn't you pay the $1,600 hospital bill?
- Yeah, I didn't know nothing about it.
This was new when she told me about this.
- She paid-- she paid the $1,600.
- I don't know. She didn't mention it to me.
- So you never called your mother
and say, hey, since my insurance didn't go through,
you need to pay this $1,600 bill?
- No, I was just going to take the L
and charge it to the game.
- So if she was going to take the L
and charge it to the game, why didn't you take the L
and charge it to the game? - I was.
That's why she didn't find out until May.
But it took me two months.
And I was like, no, I can't let this one ride.
- That don't make sense.
- It's working on my soul.
- After y'all had this whole blowout thing,
how long has it been since y'all spoken?
- I cut her off in February.
I called her in May, so Mother's Day,
because I'm not bitter. - You're not petty.
- I called her to wish her a happy Mother's Day.
And that's when she told me that she was suing me.
- Happy Mother's Day.
[laughter]
- I got a quick question before I close this out.
What was it like, Sydnei, growing up with your mom?
- She's an educator.
You see the energy here.
That's her 24/7.
- Is that the same Ms. Parker from "Friday"?
- She bad, like--
"Hey, Ms. Parker."
That's my mama.
- Sharnissa, why are you so hard on your daughter?
- She's my oldest.
I love her to death.
She reminds me of me. - Now she crying.
- She's the second coming of me.
She's my-- the best version of me.
I gave her everything she needed, so she could just
grow up and be this wonderful adult.
She's everything a mom could have asked for.
I love her to death.
- So if she's such a good daughter,
why are you in here suing her?
- I'm standing on principle now.
I'm still Sharnissa at the end of the day.
- Boy, them tears went back real quick
when I talk about--
[laughter]
- You got to quit, baby.
- Baby, I cry, but I need that money.
- Damn right.
- I understand the whole mom and daughter relationship.
Because I got girls, and they get on my damn nerve, okay?
You can never, ever get along with them fully.
I don't know what it's about in our stomach,
where our uterus and womb connect.
And we go to hate each other.
So I'm going to rule.
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
And neither one of y'all get nothing,
'cause I think you should go out
and have a spa day together.
Let your hair down, relax,
and realize how much you love each other.
And guess what?
The spa day is on me.
- Aw. - Thank you, Ms. Pat.
- [in high voice] Ms. Parker. Ms. Parker.
[laughter]
- Well, y'all welcome to leave now
before Ray J gets y'all pregnant.
- I had to do it.
I had to, Judge.
- Y'all are dismissed.
- Ray J, get your nasty-ass feet off of my bench.
- You know what?
I don't even know how it got there.
[laughter]
- You got catfished and carjacked
all in the same day.
- It wasn't a catfish.
She was real. - No, she wasn't.
That's why she ran away from you.
[laughter]
Have you ever had sex with that--
I mean, him? - I would never ever.
I would never ever on the devil's bed.
- For real?
- Please tell me she didn't leave no stain.
- She did, so I put a camera in.
And sure enough--
- Ooh!
♪ ♪