- You ain't never met a judge like me.
- Your Honor! Your Honor!
- Shut the hell up and let me get this thing together.
Hey, y'all. I'm Ms. Pat.
I know the inside of a courtroom.
Went to jail for selling cocaine.
Now here I am 25 years later
sitting on this side of the bench.
- Put my faith in your hands.
- Don't put your faith in my hand.
I ain't God. I don't love you.
I'm using everything I learned on the streets--
Don't nobody owe you nothing.
--to solve these feuds that are tearing
real family and friends apart.
- I ain't care what he find out.
What's his is mine. - We ain't married.
- We brothers. - Hey!
These are real cases with real money on the line.
What would you do with the $5,000?
- I-- I'll let you know.
- Well, I'm here.
Let me know.
And I'm bringing my own family and friends
to court as my jury.
Their opinions are like diarrhea--
it belongs in the toilet.
- You're out of order.
Matter of fact, this whole damn courtroom is out of order!
- Y'all may have started it, but I'm going to sell it.
- Let's just wrap this up, because I'm
getting very irritated.
- You keep running your mouth,
you ain't going to get nothing.
Court is now in session.
Baby, don't do me, do Jesus, because he got
more patience with you, OK?
[dramatic music]
- Please rise for the judge who is always right,
even when she's wrong,
the Honorable Ms. Pat.
- Thank you. Thank you. Just sit on down.
All right, jury, let's have some fun.
Y'all ready?
- Tell the truth and shame the devil.
- Come on, bailiff.
Do the damn thing.
- This is the case of Majett versus Garci.
You may now enter.
- Plaintiff Leon Majett owns a limo service
and is suing his friend Garcetta for $450
claiming she stiffed him on a bill for a night on the town.
- I like the outfit.
- He got the outfit from Lane Bryant.
[laughter]
- But defendant Garcietta Garci says
Leon rolled up in a filthy vehicle,
and she's not about riding dirty.
[dramatic music]
- OK, before we get started, I just
want to let you know that this is a jury of my peers, OK?
They're going to say some things
that you might not like, like your haircut
was overdue last week.
[laughter]
But don't pay them no attention, OK?
Only I count.
- OK.
- All right.
Mr. Leon, can you tell us why we're here today?
- I am here today to sue my friend for $450.
She had rented out my car service,
and I also sell soul food tamales.
She ordered some tamales.
- You put collard greens in tamales?
- And smoked turkey. You know, she's my friend.
I gave her a good deal.
And once I started talking about the payment,
that's when it kind of went sideways, so...
- Garci?
- It was a bachelorette party, so I hired a car service
so we could, you know, get faded and have a good night
and nobody had to drive home.
He was late.
He showed up with the car dirty.
The tamales made us sick.
I haven't had tamales since.
- Did it seem like they had a good time?
- I got videos showing they had a good time.
- Let me see this video.
- Oh, yeah. - Hey.
- Hey. Hey. - Turned up.
- We all took tamales.
You know what it feels like, girl.
- Ooh, she took a big bite.
- Thumbs up. - That tamale's up.
- Thumbs up. - Hm.
- Hm.
How was the tamales?
- Thumbs down.
- Not the way y'all was sucking them up.
- You didn't see me sucking none of them.
- I couldn't tell who you was in that video.
I could see the back teeth, so that mean it was good.
- Yeah, big mouth in the toilet.
- Tell me, why was the vehicle dirty?
- He was late.
I hired him for 7:00.
He got there well after that--
9:00-ish, after 9:00.
- Do you have any proof he was late?
- I have a whole text message-- thank you for asking--
- All right, bailiff, let me see this text message.
- --that he sent me.
- Do you remember sending this, Leon?
- Yes, ma'am.
- He was supposed to be there at 7:00.
- Hold on, Leon. - Go ahead.
Go ahead, talk to me now. [indistinct chatter]
- I'm gonna talk to you.
- He dropping off tamales on the way while we waiting.
And look at what time it was though.
- 8:26.
- He's supposed to be there at 7:00.
- She said, "Be here by 9:00, because don't
no clubs start at 7:00."
- Oh, that's true.
That's true.
- At 7:00 he was supposed to get there.
We were going to just tour through the city
while we were eating the tamales, while we
were popping champagne.
When I saw the champagne that he brought,
which was cheap and we did not drink that, I--
- What did he buy, girl? - It was some--
- Boone's Farm?
- Pretty much.
- I see you got a witness here, ma'am.
Can you come on up, please?
Are you the bride that was celebrating on this night?
- I'm the wife now.
- Let's talk about that night.
How did it go down?
- Once we got done eating, it was-- it
was kind of getting awkward.
Like, kind of put off with the music that was being played.
Again, I was kind of--
- Y'all didn't like the music either?
- No.
Turns out that it's his music he was playing.
- Yeah!
Yeah!
- He's a bootleg Drake.
So he was singing and rapping.
- Let me hear something.
- I'm like a big guy. - Go ahead.
- Do the song, man.
- I do a song about going into restaurants,
and they always put me in booths, you know?
And I tell them, I don't do no booth.
So I do a callback.
I say, I don't do no booth.
You say--
[together] I don't do no booth.
- And I say, put me at a table, lady.
[together] Put me at a table, lady.
- Because that booth be hurting my navel, baby.
[laughter] - Hey.
Hey. Hey.
- That did not belong-- - That sounds like a hit!
- --that night. - But they were jamming.
They were jamming.
They was like, "I don't do no booth."
- Oh. - Hey.
[together] I don't do no booth. - Not that night.
- I said... [together] I don't do no booth.
- Hey! [together] I don't do no booth.
- I said...
[together] Put me at a table, lady.
Put me at a table.
Because that booth be hurting my navel, baby.
- Huh. - Hey.
[applause]
- I don't do no booth.
- Yes!
So overall, how would you rate the night?
Come on, be honest. This is a Black-owned business.
- I will be honest.
Nine.
- She mad she brought her.
- I don't know what he was telling you, lady.
- Your witness just said the service was a nine.
- I would understand that, being that she was
surprised by the whole thing.
She didn't know what time things were supposed to start.
She didn't know how much I was paying.
She didn't see a dirty car.
I was providing that nine for her.
I expect Black excellence, and he did not provide that.
That's all I'm saying. - All right, witness.
Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- When you're dealing with people that you know,
they expect way more than what they pay for.
So therefore, you need a contract.
OK?
If that was a regular person, you could have
charged their credit card.
But she didn't even pay you.
Then she ate your tamales, claimed she got sick,
dirty up your car, and still complain.
But you also can't be putting on your music,
because everybody don't want to hear about your navel.
Miss Garci, he bought you mints,
he bought you cheap wine.
He'd been at the store all day
in his backyard making y'all tamales.
He did everything that he thought he should do.
And see, God don't like ugly.
Because them tamales was so good that that lady
couldn't lie back there.
You talkin' 'bout a seven.
She said, "Girl, you lying.
That service was a nine."
So I'ma settle this right now.
[dramatic music]
I'm ruling in favor of--
♪ ♪
--the plaintiff, Leon, for $450.
Let's go, Leon.
- Pay that man.
[laughter]
- All you had to do was pay the man.
Now that settles it. [gavel bangs]
- Amen.
- Hey, on your way out, let me hear that song again.
- All right.
I don't do no booth.
- Hey. [together] I don't do no booth.
- Put me at a table, lady.
[together] Put me at a table, lady.
- Because that booth be hurting my navel, baby.
[together] Because that booth be hurting my navel, baby.
- Get your ass on outta here.
[applause]
- Go ahead, Leon.
- How many of y'all think Leon was hitting it?
- Look it at that's; it's crazy, ain't it?
- [laughs]
- She get-- she getting all the tamales.
- He's bringing the feel good.
[laughter]
- Oh!
- No men were allowed in any of our rooms.
- They don't be opposed, Your Honor, when they be watching.
[together] Ohh.
- This took a turn.
- Tell me how this is worth $2,500.
When they made this watch 100 years ago, it was a nickel.
[laughter]
- Y'all get this next case.
I got [bleep] to do.
All right, jury, please contribute
something good today.
Because if you don't, I'ma gonna have to lock
you up in my fake jail.
- Better than the real jail I've been going to.
[laughter]
- This is the case of Garrett versus Roberts.
You may now enter.
- Plaintiff Stephanie Garrett is suing
her friend Shawndra for $250.
Because she claims Shawndra kicked her out of her hotel
room when she met a man at a club
during their recent girls' trip
to the Dominican Republic.
Defendant Shawndra Roberts claims she didn't kick anyone
out of the room and that Stephanie left on her own,
so she doesn't owe her anything.
- So let's get started.
Miss Garrett, why are you here?
- I'm here today to sue my friend Shawndra
for $250 for breaking our contract
on a girls' trip to DR.
One of the rules in that contract was that no men were
allowed in any of our rooms.
She broke that rule.
- Oh. - Oh.
- That, in turn, caused me to have to sleep somewhere else.
So I'm suing her for the $250, which is
one night's stay in that room.
- Shawndra, how you respond to what
your friend is saying here?
- I agree with the contract.
However, she violated it, too.
She put all our business in the street.
I don't feel like I owe her nothing.
- Any vacation you got to sign an NDA to go on sound
like a good vacation to me.
- It definitely is. - It sure is.
[laughter]
- All right.
Stephanie, how long have y'all known each other?
- We've been friends for five years.
- Has she ever act a fool before?
- Always.
- I'm off the chain, y'all.
[laughter]
- So what happened on the other trip that made you
want to come up with this NDA?
- Some people went back and kind of
told their spouses what happened on our previous trip.
So we were like, oh, we can't have this.
- No, give me an example, girlfriend.
Don't stop now.
- OK.
- I want to hear her dirt.
- It's a lot.
- But they don't be opposed, Your Honor,
when they be watching. - [gasps]
- Oh!
- I've never watched you. - Oh.
- This took a turn.
[laughter]
- All right.
Stephanie, you got some evidence of this contract?
- Yes, ma'am, I do have.
- According to this contract, it sound like NDA stands
for "No [bleep] Allowed."
I got to get me one of these.
[laughter]
- It's called marriage.
- Wow.
- What's the other terms in this contract, Stephanie?
Punta Cana Girls' Trip.
- Yeah, no complaining.
No guys are allowed in the room.
You can only call your spouse, your husband or your children
once a day.
- On the contract in number three,
it says "be a team player."
- Thank you.
- OK, so you got to the DR-- - Uh-huh.
- --and you met somebody?
- Mm-hmm.
- So you both had left the room because he's fine as hell.
Hey!
[laughter]
- Well, Your Honor, it wasn't quite like that.
He wanted to make sure all the ladies got back to the hotel.
And I was like, "You coming inside?"
- Ain't nothing like that tropical thing.
[laughter]
- Stephanie, what did you do and say?
- I said, "Girl, like, where I'm supposed to go?"
"I don't care where you go.
You better figure it out, because he's staying."
- So where did you go?
- One of the other individuals that were on the trip
as well, I went to her room.
- How long was you there?
- Till 2:00 the next day.
- Ooh, he must have had three blue pills that night.
[laughter]
- I don't think he had a blue pill.
I think he had that gas station [bleep].
[laughter]
Shawndra, you brought your evidence to court with you.
- Yeah, we want to hear the witness.
[applauding] - Yeah.
- Get up here.
Please state your full name for the courts.
- My name is John Hays.
- Tell me what happened that night from your perspective,
where you would come in and just take over somebody's room
and lay medicated pipe.
[laughter]
- I ain't put out.
I took her back to the room.
It just so happened they were together.
To cut the story, I wanted her.
- Oh. - Oh!
- Ooh.
[laughter]
- She looked at me like I was crazy.
- That could have been getting the [bleep] that night.
[laughter]
- Maybe that's why she mad about it.
- Yeah.
[laughter]
- Go sit down.
All right, jury, come on. Help me out here.
What do y'all think?
Ray J?
- It's real simple.
Take one for the team.
[laughter]
[applause]
- Shawndra, you got any final words?
- You need to loosen up, have a good time, let your hair down.
And I don't feel like I need to be sued, because I
didn't tell her to leave.
She left voluntarily.
- So was you still going to get it on if she stayed?
- Yeah!
- Ooh.
- Who want to watch this old-ass pole?
[laughter]
Even the audience got their hands up.
Y'all going to hell.
Stephanie, what do "be a team player" mean?
- It means look out for your girl, that's what we thinking.
- See, that's why you got to start hanging out with people
that look different from you.
You don't go and hang out with nobody
with no little bit of weight.
You hang out with fat bitches so you
can be the nicest looking one.
[laughter]
You can't be bringing the competition
to the beach with you, and get mad when jungle [bleep]
chose her over you.
And, Shawndra, if you wanted it that bad,
you could have did it in the elevator.
You could have did it in your car.
You could have did it in the hood.
You could have did it anywhere.
Sir, it's nasty.
And you was being cheap.
But whatever you given her, she's smiling, and she's happy.
[laughter]
But what y'all gave her, she's very upset.
I'm going to settle this once and for all.
[dramatic music]
I'm ruling in favor of--
♪ ♪
--the plaintiff, Stephanie, for $250.
- Thank you.
- For your freaky-ass friend.
- Thank you.
- Don't be mad about paying $250, because y'all did
kick her out of her room.
- You are dismissed.
♪ ♪
- So one time I was sharing this room with a comedian.
I was just started to go on the road,
so I didn't know anything about sleeping for gigs and stuff.
- Yeah.
- So I look up, and she got this [bleep] white
man who owned the club, and he was like,
"Do you want to join in?"
I'm like, "In what?"
[laughter]
I didn't have nowhere to go.
Because at the time, I'm a broke-ass comedian.
I turned my back and put that pillow on my head,
act like I ain't hear nothing.
[laughter]
Baby, I mind my business.
- You're a team player.
- You're the team player.
- How did the watch break?
Because it looked like it was under stress.
- I don't know how it got broken.
- Your wrist choked it out.
- Jury, my life experiences make me
qualified to judge any damn thing that walks
and move on this Earth.
- You did get shot in the head.
- So let's get to judging.
And bailiff, get to bailiffing.
- [laughs] This is the case of Anderson versus Williams.
- Plaintiff Nia Anderson thinks that time's up
for her friend Jasmine to fork over
the $2,500 for an heirloom watch
that she busted after Jasmine did the decent thing
and let her wear it to an event.
But defendant Jasmine Williams claims that the watch was
already rusty and crusty and bad,
and only a fool would pay 2 rack
to replace a watch that was never
worth that to begin with.
- So, Ms. Anderson, tell me why you're here.
- I'm suing Jasmine Williams for $2,500
for a valuable watch.
I gave it to Jasmine for her to borrow for an event.
She returned it broken, unable to be fixed.
- Jasmine, why are you here?
- So it was for an award ceremony at my job.
When we realized that it was broken,
I offered to get it repaired.
The person that I took it to said
it was going to be like $150.
And she said, "No."
And I'm like, "So you want me to replace the whole watch?"
And she was like, "Yeah."
- Can you just describe the watch to me?
- A family heirloom given to me by my great-grandmother.
My grandmother was born in 1930.
- That's not long ago.
- It's almost 100 years, judge.
- 100 years, exactly.
Thank you.
- I know somebody 100.
- My auntie was 104.
- And I got a cousin, 99.
- I had a fever of 105.
[laughter]
Did you bring your watch here?
Can I see it?
- It's right here in my hand shattered and unrepairable.
- How did the watch break, because it looked
like it was under stress.
- I don't know how it got broken.
- I do know how it got broken.
Your wrist choked it out.
[laughter]
- Can I ask you a question, ma'am?
Tell me how this is worth $2,500?
This is gold, green, black, and silver.
This thing is four different nationalities.
[laughter]
- It still holds a value--
- I know it holds a value to you.
- --to me of $2,500. - What I'm asking--
Can you please calm down and listen to me?
- Yes, ma'am.
- All I'm asking you, when they made this watch 100 years ago,
it was a nickel.
[laughter]
You got an appraisal?
- Yes, ma'am, I did.
- OK, Nia.
How much you paid an appraiser to write this up for you?
- Like $225?
- For $200, I'll write anything on a piece of paper.
- I'm going to pass the watch around.
Be careful, because this is an antique.
[tense music]
- [bleep]. - Oh, Ray J!
- Nia is suing her friend Jasmine for $2,500
to replace the heirloom watch that Jasmine
borrowed and broke.
But Jasmine claims she offered to have it fixed,
but Nia refused.
Ms. Pat is about to settle it.
- I'm going to pass the watch around.
Be careful, because this is an antique.
[watch rattles]
- Oh, Ray J!
[laughter]
- Wow.
- I'm just playing, Your Honor.
- Go to hell.
[laughter]
Jury, can you help me real quick?
- You have the pieces.
Why ruin the friendship with her
by suing her for money when you can't really replace this?
- She really is not taking responsibility
for how much it means to me.
- So you want to financially punish
her for not being nice enough?
- I'm not financially punishing her.
- You are.
If you valued it so much, why would
you suggest that I wear it?
- Because I value you, and I wanted
to see you at your best. - Well--
- So excuse me.
- Did you ever try and get the watch fixed
instead of just suing her?
- Of course.
However, the suggestions that they had
would take away from the integrity
of the watch in the vintage state that it was already in.
- OK, before I make my decision, Nia, is there
anything you want to say? - Yes.
- Make it short.
Everything been long to you.
- I believe that Jasmine should replace
my grandmother's watch.
I feel like $2,500 is--
- Is long.
You're going long.
[laughter]
OK, Jasmine, what do you have to say?
- I'm sorry that our friendship has come to this.
But she knows she's exaggerating so much about it
being such a family heirloom.
And if she doesn't want to repair it,
how am I to help her?
- All right, I've heard enough.
I just want to say, if this was a family heirloom
like you said it was-- - Uh-huh.
- You shouldn't have never loaned it out
if it meant that much to you.
I see the tears.
I see the hurt.
But you are your grandmother's most valuable
heirloom, not a watch.
And I got to say to you, Jasmine, stop borrowing
people's old jewelry.
[laughter]
Come on now, sister.
We're the same size.
You know we can't be putting on no 100-year-old watch
and not busting that [bleep] wide open.
[laughter]
OK, now I've got to settle this once and for all.
[dramatic music]
I'm ruling in favor of--
♪ ♪
--Nia-- - Ooh!
- --the plaintiff. - Ooh!
- Oh, thank you!
- You're gonna get $150 to fix your watch.
- [bleep] damn it.
Serious?
- If it means that much to you, get it fixed.
Keep this watch a part of your family.
That's all you need.
[gavel bangs]
- You are dismissed.
- Don't lend out [bleep] you can't get back.
Keep your grandmama's [bleep] in the house
where she kept it at.
I ain't got no heirlooms.
- You got Fruit of the Loom?
- Yes.
- Well, don't lend those out either.
[laughter]
- You let a crackhead steal a monkey?
- He dipped.
- I sold a lot of crack.
Crackheads are fast.
We were going on a seven-day cruise to Jamaica.
She flaked on me.
- All your baby had was the [bleep].
You could have left that baby at home.
- I got into a whole car accident, got to the hospital,
and found out that I did not have health insurance.
- I love her to death.
She remind me of me.
- Why are you in here suing her?
- I'm standing on principle now.
- Them tears went back real quick.
- Real quick.
They gone.