- You ain't never met a judge like me.
- Your Honor, Your Honor!
- Shut the hell up, and let me get this thing together.
Hey, y'all. I'm Ms. Pat.
I know the inside of a courtroom.
I went to jail for selling cocaine.
Now here I am, 25 years later,
sitting on this side of the bench.
- Put my faith in your hands.
- Don't put your faith in my hand.
I ain't God. I don't love you.
I'm using everything I learned on the streets...
Don't nobody owe you nothing.
To solve disputes
that are tearing real family and friends apart.
- I ain't care if he find out. What's his is mine.
- We ain't married. - And we brothers.
- Hey.
These are real cases
with real money on the line.
What you do with the $5,000?
- I-I'll let you know.
- Well, I'm here. Let me know.
And I'm bringing my own family and friends
to court as my jury.
Their opinions are like diarrhea.
It belongs in the toilet.
- You're out of order. Matter of fact,
this whole damn courtroom is out of order!
- Y'all may have started it, but I'm gonna settle it.
- Let's just wrap this up
'cause I'm getting very irritated.
- You keep running your mouth,
you ain't gonna get nothing.
Court is now in session.
Baby, don't do me, do Jesus,
'cause he got more patience with you, okay?
[upbeat music]
- All rise.
You knew this day would come.
She's the finest-looking crack dealer
that ever banged a gavel,
the honorable Ms. Pat.
- Thank you, thank you. Just sit on down.
You didn't have to tell everybody my damn business.
[laughter]
- Shit, that-- that's on Wikipedia.
It's already out there.
- All right, bailiff,
do the bailiff-ing thing that you do.
- This is the case of Braden versus Ford.
- Plaintiff Zaquanna Braden is suing her ex for $2,500
because she claims he took off
with her transmission in the dead of night.
Defendant Gregory Ford claims that it was his transmission
and that after their situation-ship broke off,
it was his to take back.
It's your classic love story: guy meets girl,
and guy and girl fight over a transmission.
- All right. Gregory and Zaquanna--
is that how to pronounce it? - Yes, ma'am.
- Okay, before we get started, I just want to let y'all know
this is a jury of my peers.
They low-down and dirty,
and they may take something from you.
Only listen to me.
My opinion is the only one that matters, okay?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Can you tell me why we're here today?
- I am here to sue Gregory for $2,500.
Him and his uncle decided that they were gonna come
to my place of residence in the middle of the night
and take my transmission out of my car that I paid for.
Not only that, I later found that his uncle
had my transmission for resale at his shop.
- Mm.
- A thief in the night.
- Gregory, is this true?
Are you a nighttime transmission stealer?
[laughter]
- You can't steal nothing that she didn't own.
It was my transmission.
I just loaned her the transmission.
After the dating was done, I repo-ed my transmission.
- Oh.
- That wasn't the terms, though,
where you put a transmission in my car
and you take it when we get done dating--
- Ah, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Gregory, you was in a relationship with Zaquanna--
- I wasn't in no relationship per se--
temporary-ship.
- What?
- So y'all was banging.
Y'all was going together. - You right.
She had a car sitting in her yard.
And she sold me a good sob story,
and she hit me with that guap-guap 3,000...
[indistinct speech]
[laughter]
I need that transmission, boy.
- Okay, all right. [laughter]
- And ASAP.
So I loaned her the transmission
for as long as we was messing around.
- And so-- - But I paid for it, though.
- Never paid for it. - I gave his uncle
the money for it, though. - He--
- Oh. - Shut your little ass up.
[laughter]
How long was you in this relationship, Zaquanna?
- It was a little under a year.
- And how did you meet Gregory?
- So I met Gregory one night when I was out having drinks
with my friend at a local club that he works at,
karaoke night.
- When the relationship ended--
- That's when he thought he could
come and take it out at night.
- Your Honor, have you ever not paid a bill?
- Hell, yeah. I'm Black.
- Your lights went out, didn't they?
- No, I turned them back on.
- She ain't had no capability
to turn the transmission back on.
- I paid for it, though. - Uh--
- The uncle, he about to stroke out back there.
- Baby, R about to have a heart attack.
- 'Cause I ain't a liar.
- Come on up, Reuben, and tell me your part of the story.
- Yes, ma'am, I sure will.
- Reuben Grecian? - That's it.
Reuben Romance Grecian. - Romance?
- Yes, ma'am, AKA Lizard Tongue.
[laughter] - What?
- So, Zaquanna, you said you paid Reuben.
- Yes, ma'am, I did.
- If she paid me, I'll sit here and tell you.
She lying.
She ain't paid not a damn coin.
She said she was gonna give me $400.
I ain't saw $400 since 1963.
- What?
- And you gonna believe him? Okay.
- You can't even spell the truth.
- I'm looking at the lie right there.
all: Ooh.
- That's why I took my transmission.
Talking about you paid me.
- That's all I need to know.
- It's mine.
[gavel bangs] - Shut your nappy neck-ass up.
[laughter]
Why did you take her transmission?
- 'Cause she ain't give me my money.
- Let me ask you this, Gregory.
Did you tell your uncle?
- I told him about the situation,
and he decided on his own to go take the transmission.
- Ohh.
- Ain't no way in the hell
this little bitty-ass man took a transmission
out a car by himself.
He don't got that kind of strength.
I'm looking at him. His shoes too heavy.
Take them jailhouse plates back over there by your nephew.
[laughter]
So why did you take the transmission back, Gregory?
- She tells me she going to Miami
to go get her body done.
- Body done? Y'all gonna stay y'all ass
out of Miami, getting them bodies done.
- I was sliding through the neighborhood.
I see the car at Wendy's.
I'm like, she in Miami.
Who the hell driving the car?
It's her baby daddy in the line ordering a four for $4.
- That ain't got nothing to do with me.
- Be quiet.
Don't talk again until I speak to you.
- Okay. - Gregory, I kind of see
why you left her.
Let me ask you a question. - Ma'am?
- Do y'all still have feelings for each other?
- I ain't got no feeling.
- You ain't-- excuse me, Gregory?
- I ain't got no feelings.
- Far as feeling like being together,
nothing like that, no, but, far as, like--
I ain't got no bad blood against nobody.
For what? Hold onto grudges for what?
- You do got some bad blood. You suing me for $2,500.
- Because I'm suing you for what I deserve,
what's mine.
- Excuse me, Judge.
One minute--
- I'ma need you to be quiet
till you get your next Social Security check.
[laughter]
Gregory, I'm just gonna keep it real with you.
You can't be in a relationship and give a woman something
and when things don't go your way,
you decide to take them back.
That's not how you treat a woman, Gregory.
When you leave a relationship,
whatever you put in it, let it be.
I mean, think about this.
What if she would've took her guap-guap back?
Because she could never take back
what she had already given you.
It don't work like that. I wish we could.
Zaquanna. - Yes, ma'am.
- You say he stole your transmission.
You didn't bring any proof
that you ever paid for the transmission.
You can't just walk in here
and expect to win a case with no receipts.
I think it's stupid he took his transmission back,
but it was his transmission.
Next time a man give you something,
and you break up with him,
you hide the [...] he gave you.
- I didn't break up with him. [laughter]
- That's good advice. - That is good advice.
- Okay, let me settle this for once and for all.
[dramatic music]
So I've reached my decision, and I'm ruling in favor of...
♪ ♪
None of y'all.
The only thing you gonna get is out of here.
- Can I say one thing?
- Get your ugly ass out of here.
[laughter]
- Bye.
- I know he took that transmission.
- Gregory took that out.
They had to move his stomach out the way
with a kickstand, and then he got in there,
and he got that transmission out.
- Well, we learned today, there's a fine line
between love and larceny.
Come on, y'all, get this next case.
I got shit to do.
- Who don't even like the dog.
I'm entitled to just keep him.
He just too worried about paying that [bleep] bill
that he can't-- - Ooh!
- Girl, you is lying. - You should've told the truth.
- You a liar. - Hey, hey!
Baby Jesus. What is going on
with you two people?
- Tell her the truth. - What's the truth?
- The truth is, she don't care about me.
- All right, jury, let's get this thing started.
Ain't no hot flashes hit me yet.
But soon as one hit me, I'ma take off this wig,
and it's over. - Oh, no.
You do not want them to see that man up there.
[laughter]
- Come on, bailiff. - Let's do it.
This is the case of Who versus Hayes.
You may now enter.
- Plaintiff Eric Who is suing
his ex-bestie Kijane Hayes for $1,000
for stealing his pup and turning it against him.
He says she should pay
if she's going to keep the little doggy.
But defendant Kijane Hayes says that since she's the one
who's been raising him while Eric is out in the streets,
she doesn't owe him anything.
- All right, so, Eric, tell me why we're here today.
- I am suing my ex-friend for stealing my dog.
And I'm suing for $1,000.
I got the dog a few months ago from a flea market.
- You paid $1,000 for a dog at a flea market?
- At the flea market, next to the tomatoes.
Yes. - Where are you from?
- I'm from Orangeburg, South Carolina.
- Yeah, you sound like it too.
- Uh-oh.
- Kijane, tell me your side of the story.
- I feel as though Lou-Lou belongs with me.
- Her name is Lou-Lou? - Angelou,
named after the late great Maya Angelou.
And ever since that first weekend where he bought him
at the flea market, he's been in my care.
I refuse to give him back to a deadbeat dog dad.
- Uh-oh?
- What did you name the dog, Eric?
- The dog's name is Louie.
Ain't no last name. Ain't no middle name.
Ain't no Lou-Lou. Ain't no Maya Angelou,
bless her heart.
But the dog's name is Louie.
- Okay. - "Lou-ie."
[laughter]
- Yeah, Louie, simple. - Got it.
- If I say, "Louie, come here, boy,"
Louie looking at me like, who the [bleep] is you?
- 'Cause he knows his real name.
- Uh-oh? She can just interrupt me
like that whenever she feel like it?
- I got her. You just keep
telling me about Louie.
- If I call my dog, it's like I ain't talking.
I'm talking to the wind. I'm talking to the air.
- How many times did Ms. Hayes watch the dog?
- It's been, like, 75% of the time.
- Why was she keeping him 75% of the time?
- On the weekends, Judge, I go to see my man,
just to make sure we all right.
So on the weekends when I go get me together,
I let her watch Louie.
- So why don't you take Louie with you
to go get yourself together?
- I just don't want the dog there
when I'm trying to do my thing with my things.
- "Don't want the dog there."
- You heard it. [laughter]
- How much are you paying her to watch your dog?
- Oh, nothing.
She never brought up money,
so I had a free sitter.
all: Ooh.
- Kijane, can you describe your relationship before the dog?
- I would say our relationship was pretty solid.
And that's why he entrusted me to care for his dog
'cause he knew I was well and capable.
- Do you love the dog?
- I love the dog with all my heart.
- So let me see a picture of this dog.
- You're gonna be blown away by this cuteness.
Look at the baby.
- Aw.
- Aww.
- I would've stole her too.
So cute.
Don't you have somebody else
to be watching this dog instead of her?
- My loving mother watches the dog.
- Who don't even like the dog.
- Wow.
- Now, Kijane, did you go to the flea market
and buy this dog next to the tomatoes?
- I was there with him.
- Was it your money?
- It wasn't my money, but still.
It's my love that I gave to the dog.
- So why don't you just pay him $1,000 for the dog?
If you don't-- - I don't think I should have
to pay because he hasn't paid me a dime
to watch him all this time.
I feel like I'm entitled to just keep him.
He just too worried about paying that [bleep] bill
that he can't even-- - Ooh!
- What's a [bleep] bill?
- Your Honor, my mom is in the court,
and I don't know if I want to explain a [bleep].
- Oh, you're under oath, baby.
What's a [bleep] bill?
- When I go see my man, he--
- Oop. - Oh, my God!
- Your mother is right here.
Jesus.
- Your Honor, my--uh-oh.
- Let's stop talking about the mama.
Come on up here, Mama.
Let's talk to the mama.
Mama, please state your full name for the court.
- My name is Audrey Riley Williams.
- Is it true that you have watched this dog?
- I have. Louie is like my grandchild.
But she's so possessive.
She stormed into my home,
she scooped the dog up, and she left with him.
- She dog-napped him? - I have proof.
I have proof of it. - Let's see this proof.
You said you got proof? - I have proof.
- Is Louie here? - Yes.
- I was just coming to pick him up.
- Well, I got him.
What are you doing?
- I'll take care of him.
- What? - I'll take him.
Don't worry. - Hold up.
Come back here with that dog.
- My God.
That's a thief.
- Almost knocked me down.
- I know. She's bigger than you.
[laughter]
Thank you for your testimony.
You can have a seat. - Thank you.
- All right, jury, what do y'all think?
- This is just a classic Russell Wilson situation.
He is Future.
And now he wants this kid to love him.
This kid don't know him.
Okay?
- So, Eric, talk to me.
- Since I paid for Louie,
I'm entitled to at least the $1,000.
She can have Louie,
'cause Louie does view her as the master.
- All right, Kijane, let me hear you.
- Like he said, Louie does belong with me
'cause he loves me more, and I shouldn't have to pay a dime.
- So after considering all the facts of this case,
Kijane, I know you took care of the dog 75% of the time.
And I know you felt like the dog belongs to you.
But he never gave you the dog.
And, Eric, you're leaving your animal in the hands
of somebody that fell in love with it more than you did.
Dogs need attention just like kids.
I mean, if you did this to a child, you would be a ho.
- Ooh.
[laughter]
- I'ma settle this once and for all.
[dramatic music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
♪ ♪
Eric Who.
- Who? - [cackles]
- Whooty-Who!
- I'm not giving you your money,
but you can get your dog back.
- Ah, hell, I want--oh.
No--yay.
[laughter] Yay.
Louie!
Louie. - He ain't even want that dog.
- And if you decide that you don't want it,
let Mama continue to take you to church,
'cause with you being the daddy,
it's gonna need a blessing.
- Ohh.
- You are dismissed.
- Wasn't that crazy?
- I felt like you should've let her keep the dog.
- No, he paid for the dog.
You might not like it, but I settled it.
Bailiff, next case.
- You got my couch. - I told you to wait.
- You sitting on it. You sitting on it.
You farting on it. You sitting on it.
Tell the [bleep]damn truth, Jeanine.
- This is crazy.
- All right, jury, I'm feeling extra judgmental today,
so watch yourself.
Bailiff, go ahead and start bailiff-ing.
Do what you do. - This is the case
of Hornes versus Wiggins.
- Plaintiff Charleetra Hornes is suing her friend Jeanine
for $2,000 after she gave her a couch in exchange
for a dental credit card Jeanine canceled
before Charleetra could get her grill fixed.
Defendant Jeanine Wiggins says that Charleetra needs
to have several seats on that uncomfortable couch
and leave her alone.
Charleetra talked trash about her in church,
and God don't like ugly.
So she shouldn't have to pay her anything.
- You walked in this bitch looking
like a piece of strawberry--
that old shit your grandma get choke on,
watching the soap o-- [coughs]
[laughter]
Okay, Charleetra, what are you suing your friend for?
- I sold Jeanine Wiggins a couch for $2,000.
She didn't have the money, and so we agreed
that I would have $2,000 worth of her dental credit.
- What is dental credit? - It's like where you can
use a credit card to go to the dentist.
- For your teeth? - Yes.
Being that I needed dental work,
I said, oh, okay, this would be an ideal situation.
- So what type of teeth were you trying to get fixed?
- I was getting it right here.
all: Ooh.
- As you can see, it's still not there.
I gave her the couch, and I don't have
my teeth fixed. - [scoffs]
- Jeanine, what's your side of the story?
- I applied for the credit so she could use it.
I told her to wait
'cause I was trying to get me a Mercedes-Benz,
and I didn't want my interest rates to go up.
- She reneged.
- I told you to wait. - You--no.
Not wait--you got my couch.
- I told you to wait. - You sitting on it.
You sitting on it, you farting on it, you sitting on it.
- I told you to wait. - You got my couch, though.
- That shit is uncomfortable anyway.
- You a [bleep] liar. I mean--
ooh, shit, hold on. - Order, order, order,
order, order, order. - Hold on, I'm sorry.
You see this is still vacant, bitch.
This is vacant.
- Why you gotta give her a care credit?
- Tell her. - I didn't have the money.
That's number one. - Tell her the truth.
- What's the truth? - The truth is,
she gotta have all the fancy, all the--
everything fabulous is Jeanine.
She don't care about me.
all: Ooh.
- Okay. All right.
So, ma'am, did you apply for the $2,000 credit?
- I did. - Did you give it to her?
- Yeah, she used it.
- She's lying, Your Honor.
She did not give me the money.
When you're getting implants, you have to go
for a couple of visits, right? - Yes, I know.
- So my first visit was fine.
When I went back, they said, oh, ma'am,
you're not an authorized user on this card.
I called her immediately, over and over again,
200, 300 times, no answer.
- 200 or 300 times?
- That's how many. I kept calling.
- I'd have blocked you, too.
- She should've told the truth. - She's a whole liar.
You a--girl, you is lying. - You should've told the truth.
- You a liar. - Hey, hey!
- The couch-- I am telling the truth.
- Wait a minute. - And when she called me
back again, she left on my last voicemail--
- Hey! Baby Jesus.
- I'm sorry. - If y'all don't stop this--
- Okay. Sorry about that, Judge.
- What is going on with you two people?
- I just want her to hold on for a second.
She got mad. And next thing I know,
she was tarnishing my reputation.
- That's what she really mad about.
- Spreading rumors.
I get word from the church house
that she running her mouth about me.
- Church house? - Yeah.
- No, I gave my testimony...
- She started talking-- - Because she was lying.
- Nah, she started talking about me.
- Hold on. - I gave my own testimony.
- So you went to church and stood up in front of God...
- No, no, no, no, no. - And talked about a couch?
- I didn't st--no, no. [laughter]
A little chatter amongst the people at the church.
- What did she say that hurt you--
- Then she started hanging with my enemies.
- She said something about my kids
or my man I was dealing with at the time,
and all kind of shit she was saying.
- I only know what you told me.
[bleep] damn it, tell the [bleep]damn truth, Jeanine.
- You don't tell-- - You ain't gonna lie on me
in front of them people. - You don't tell--
- You ain't finna lie on me in front of these people.
- Hey. Hey. - Ms. Hornes, Ms. Hornes.
- This is crazy.
- Toothless Charleetra Hornes is suing
her church friend Jeanine Wiggins for $2,000
for stealing her cloud couch
and failing to get her grill fixed in return
as Ms. Pat is ready to hear more arguments.
- Do you have a picture of the cloud couch?
- Yes, I do. - Thank you, baby.
- You a liar. Something wrong with your--
something wrong with your skin or your bones.
- Oh. - There it is.
- Jeanine, you sitting on her couch while she's waiting.
And she's still missing a tooth on the side.
I need y'all to help me settle this.
- Okay. - Okay, you got the card
and the couch.
- You winning. both: And the Rolls.
- Yeah. - Everybody want to eat
on both sides of their mouth.
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's crazy.
- Charleetra, do you have
any final words you would like to say?
- I feel that I'm owed the $2,000 for my couch.
But most importantly, I miss my friend.
We had so much fun.
We laugh, we shop, we go to concerts.
We shouldn't have to do this because of money, seriously.
- You need to pray.
- Jeanine, you got any final words?
- It's a wrap for me.
- Why are you mad?
- I don't know about the friendship.
I don't know about the friendship right now.
- All right. I heard enough.
Y'all are a little too old for this shit.
And you in the church too, so I don't know
why y'all would be doing this as Christians.
If God can forgive, then why can't you forgive?
- Amen. - Preach, preacher.
- The Bible said, thou shalt not steal no couch.
- I gotta check that scripture.
- [laughs]
- Why are you crying?
- Because I love her.
all: Aww.
- Now, when the last time you heard somebody love you?
Look at your friend. She's crying.
- She always crying.
- I just met her, so she's not always crying to me.
- Okay. - Listen to me.
Stop being an asshole. Do you know how hard it is
to come by a good friend?
- Wow. - Let me tell you something.
I don't think the relationship is equal.
I think you care more about her than she do you.
- Always have.
- There's a lot of other people
that needs a good friend like you.
- And a good couch.
- Amen. [laughter]
- Now, let me settle this once and for all.
[dramatic music]
I'm ruling in favor of...
♪ ♪
Charleetra Hornes
in the amount of $2,000.
- Thank you.
- Y'all can leave now.
- They was both nice-looking ladies.
- I like the outfit. Did you like the outfit?
- Nah, she look like she had on a Popeye's uniform.
I don't know. [laughter]
- And this season, court is now in session.
Half of the shit you done said today is a bold-faced lie.
Your mama stole your car? - Yes, Your Honor.
- I don't know how it got broken.
- Your wrist choked it out.
- This not like no $20 right here.
This is $509.84.
- I'm countersuing her
because she begged me not to press charges.
- Tell me about buying your side piece a car
with your main piece money?
- That is the wig.
- Ah, hell no. - [shrieking laughter]
- I ain't gonna say you did it,
but we know you did.
[laughter]