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[announcer] Put your hands together
for Robby Hoffman!
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[audience cheering]
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-How's it going, faggots?
-[audience cheering faintly]
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-I said, how's it going, faggots?
-[audience cheering]
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No, that wasn't nice. I'm so sorry.
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I meant to say good evening
or something like this.
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You know what I mean?
I come off hard a bit, you know,
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and it's not nice.
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I've been called a lot of stuff recently,
and I think it's important to own it.
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Keep perspective, right?
Like, I'm called a dyke-kike.
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-It's kind of a cute haiku.
-[audience laughing]
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I think that's sweet.
I think it's kind of nice.
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But words can hurt people, you know.
And it's important to keep perspective.
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People call you shit, whatever. Who cares?
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Right? It could always be worse.
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Right? That's the Jewish way.
It could always be worse.
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All right? As long as I'm not in an oven,
I'm fine.
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-Do you see what I'm saying?
-[audience laughing]
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Surprise, surprise,
my parents are homophobic. [laughs]
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I'm just always trying
to bring back "surprise, surprise."
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You guys could use it in a sentence.
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My mother is homophobic
'cause I'm gay. So checks out.
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You know, she's not, like,
homophobic for no reason.
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This shit happened to her.
She's got a right.
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Easy for you not to be homophobic.
This happen to your kid? No. Shut up.
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Fuck.
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And in general, your parents
are homophobic because you're gay,
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and they made you,
which means one of them is fucking gay.
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[audience laughing]
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I didn't come out of nowhere.
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So they got to be looking at each other
like the Spider-Man meme.
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-Which one of you turned the bitch gay?
-[audience laughing]
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-My father, for sure.
-[all laugh]
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The dude wears cowboy boots.
There's no rodeo in New York City.
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-Jig is up.
-[audience laughing]
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You know...
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Now when I get asked to do a show,
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the first thing I get asked is,
what's my pronouns?
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Right? What's my pronouns?
People are mad when I give them "she/her."
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People are like, "That's a they/them
if I ever fucking saw it."
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[audience laughing]
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"What the fuck
are we doing all this shit for?"
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And I would have used they/them.
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They/them would have been
a viable option for a person like me.
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But you took it and you made it annoying.
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[audience cheering]
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I don't want to be part
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of the world's most annoying
fucking community that ever was.
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I'm already Jewish.
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-How much more...
-[audience laughing]
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...could a person take?
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I don't like to step on any toes,
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so I leave the they/them
for the queer girls here with boyfriends.
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I don't wanna get in anyone's way.
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Chappelle, is that uplifting?
I know, stand-up...
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You know, I'm a firm believer that
stand-up should keep it light.
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Chappelle, we can all agree,
is transphobic.
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He will not use your preferred pronouns.
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He's on the record.
He will not use your preferred pronouns.
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Yeah. He's 70.
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[audience laughing]
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Do you want to live in a world
where 70-year-olds
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know what the fuck is going on
with pronouns?
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That breaks the world for me.
Can't we enjoy old people anymore?
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Is there nothing fun left?
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That was the whole point of the old.
They don't know things.
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Out of the goodness of your heart,
you go and see them once a year,
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you pour a tall glass of red,
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you sit back
and you enjoy the bigoted old.
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Have we nothing fun left anymore?
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But no. Now we got rich teenagers
tweeting from their rooms.
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"My grandparents won't use
my preferred pronouns."
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"They don't care about non-binary people."
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Bitch, they don't care about Black people.
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[audience laughing]
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Wake up.
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Do we have any regular people here?
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-Any...
-[audience member cheers]
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Regular people love to have a dream.
You ever notice this?
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Regular people love to have a dream
on the side they never do nothing with.
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It's like my sister. She's like, "When I
start decorating other people's homes..."
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Huh?
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Your house is a dump.
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Everything's from Ashley Furniture.
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What, you think they're throwing you
on HGTV tomorrow? Grow up.
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In fact, if you're a 30-year-old
here tonight with a dream, drop it.
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[audience laughing]
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You're an embarrassment to yourself
and everyone around you.
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I can't tell you how many times I have
grown men tell me after shows
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they want to try stand-up comedy.
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-Call the police.
-[audience laughing]
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Do we have any non-Jewish people here?
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-Any non-Jews? Any gentiles?
-[audience cheers faintly]
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Do not "woo" for gentiles,
you fucking Nazis.
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New York City, my God.
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No, non-Jews...
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Non-ethnic people in general
have a very strange way of communicating.
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Huh? They say things like,
"Not to make it all about me..."
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'Cause I might be telling a story,
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and then suddenly
you'll have a story similar,
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and you're animated and you're excited
and you share your own story.
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-But then suddenly, you have a shame.
-[audience laughing]
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And you feel bad, and you go, "Sorry.
I didn't mean to make it all about me."
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Huh?
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I'm about me, you're about you.
That's how this goes.
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I don't know fuck about you.
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-Do not talk about me.
-[audience laughing]
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I don't even know how we got here,
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where we let the most boring talkers
on the planet
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make the rules for talking. Right?
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Like this concept of interrupting.
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I never heard it growing up,
never knew the word.
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But some bitch last week was like,
"You interrupted me." I was like, "Huh?"
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Yeah, I had some shit to say.
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[audience laughing and cheering]
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-Whoever has the best shit to say wins.
-[audience laughing]
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You got nothing, Carly. Wrap it up.
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Fuck.
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Do we have any normal...
Any heterosexual people here?
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[audience cheers faintly]
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Sorry.
Normal people using the word partner.
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-What are you, gay?
-[audience laughing]
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Are you gay? You like it in the tuchus?
What's going on?
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-[audience laughing]
-Huh?
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My friend Priti broke up...
Said, "My partner and I split."
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I said, "What are you, gay?"
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She said, "No, it's still Michael."
I said, "I thought you were gay."
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Now, Priti and Michael,
they've been together five years.
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She was distraught about this.
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So I tried to switch gears, console her.
Then I realized, well, he wasn't rich.
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So, really, what was she missing?
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What? Men, it's easier for you
to make money. At least have money.
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-Uncomfortable, aren't we, sir?
-[audience laughing]
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What? Men, you invented the system
that benefits you. Now work it!
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It's like I tell my little sister.
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"Your money is yours
and his is both of yours."
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-That's what equality means.
-[audience member] Whoo!
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-Pussy's not cheap.
-[woman] Yes. Whoo!
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Pussy is not free.
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Pussy is a high-end luxury product.
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[audience cheering]
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Expect to pay a premium.
You want free, get dick.
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[audience laughing]
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Dick is free.
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Dick is so free, I could go out there
right now, get two dicks if I wanted.
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[audience laughing]
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Pussies are Chanel. Save up.
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As soon as I found out I was gay,
I'm like, "I got to get cash."
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"How am I gonna work these numbers out?"
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I'll leave on something more personal.
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You guys have taken it
real well for me tonight. Thank you.
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Such a good girl, this audience.
Thank you.
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Okay, I'll just say it.
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I finally started using
the men's bathroom.
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-There, I said it.
-[audience cheering]
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Thank you. But maybe not
for the reason that you think.
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Uh, it's to avoid all the fucking kids...
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[audience laughing]
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...they got in the women's bathroom.
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I got to be taking a piss with some mother
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teaching her six-year-old boy
how to shit for the first time?
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He's grunting in the stall next to me.
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His little feet
dangling off the fucking toilet.
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That's been the whole bathroom debate
in this country.
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Let's get these goddamn kids
their own damn bathroom.
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[audience cheering]
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With a little door that makes it fun for
them to go into, and lock it and burn it.
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I am Robby Hoffman.
Follow me on everything.
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Thank you, New York City.
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[audience cheering]
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[announcer]
Welcome to the stage Nimesh Patel!
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[audience cheering]
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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I have to begin by apologizing
to someone in the room.
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I was using the civilian bathrooms
and I was waiting in line,
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and one of you came up and asked,
"Hey, are you waiting?"
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I said, "No. I like to watch,"
and I'm sorry.
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00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:32,733
[audience laughing]
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That's not who I am.
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It's just instinct.
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That's my favorite part
of the trans debate, by the way.
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You got to keep all the trans people
out of all the bathrooms.
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You can keep all the trans people
out of all the bathrooms you want,
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-I'm still gonna be there.
-[audience laughing]
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Lurking, just...
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00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,465
"Show me that pink dick, boy."
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[audience laughing]
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We having fun?
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00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:05,349
I have to get off social media.
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00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:07,726
Hi. Good to see you.
Thank you for being here.
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00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:09,937
I don't know who that is,
but she's Indian,
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-so I assume she's here for me.
-[audience cheering]
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00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:22,491
As I was saying, social media,
I got to get off. I'm addicted.
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00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,243
It's like cigarettes in the '50s.
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Everyone's doing it,
so no one realizes it's killing us.
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Ten years from now,
there'll be commercials, like,
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00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:32,251
"I used to Instagram three times a day."
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00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:34,086
[audience laughing]
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If you don't understand that joke,
it's 'cause you're in your twenties.
200
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:42,845
In the early '90s,
there was an anti-smoking campaign.
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00:12:42,928 --> 00:12:44,472
To get people to stop smoking,
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they put a lady with a hole in her throat
on national television
203
00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:52,021
to traumatize an entire generation...
into not smoking.
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It worked, 'cause I vape now.
That shit was brilliant, man.
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00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:57,776
-Such a smart plan. I'm so happy.
-[audience laughing]
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00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:01,322
The following seven minutes or so
207
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:04,783
is a set of jokes
that Netflix rejected five years ago.
208
00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:09,288
-[audience laughs and cheers]
-I'm happy to be here.
209
00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:14,210
This joke not included.
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Now that we have an Indian guy
running for president,
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I have to talk about
this Indian guy running for president.
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00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:22,510
You guys know Vivek Herba-swami?
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-[man] Fuck him.
-Fuck him, indeed.
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00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:29,433
He's a herb.
If you don't know what a herb is,
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00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:32,311
it's what we called people in the '90s
when they were being herbs.
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It's a very nebulous term.
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I only have ten minutes.
I can't explain it all.
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-[audience laughing]
-He's running on campaign truths.
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00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:44,240
His number one campaign truth?
God is real.
220
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Word, Vivek?
Then why did he make you 5'7"?
221
00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:50,079
[audience laughing]
222
00:13:51,705 --> 00:13:55,125
That's shorter than Roosevelt
was in a wheelchair. Do you understand?
223
00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:58,379
-[audience laughing]
-He did look tall at the debates,
224
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'cause I think he was standing
on the back of a homeless guy.
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00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:04,718
I hate everything he stands for.
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00:14:04,802 --> 00:14:08,138
I hate him truly and deeply,
but I want him to win.
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00:14:09,848 --> 00:14:12,851
-Because I want to be on SNL.
-[audience laughing]
228
00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:13,811
I just think...
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00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:15,354
[audience cheering]
230
00:14:17,147 --> 00:14:20,109
I've been working
on my Vivek smile. Ready?
231
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:25,281
It's pretty good, Lauren. Give me a call.
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00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:26,949
[audience laughing]
233
00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:31,537
I posted that joke on the Internet
two days ago, and people got into my DMs.
234
00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:36,333
"I bet you won't make fun of Biden.
I bet you won't make fun of Joe Biden."
235
00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:38,752
You're right.
I won't make fun of Joe Biden.
236
00:14:38,836 --> 00:14:42,381
Making fun of Biden is like making fun
of someone in the hospice. Understand?
237
00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:44,300
[audience laughing]
238
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:45,509
Let the man die.
239
00:14:46,468 --> 00:14:50,055
Let the man die. Let Kamala Harris'
dreams come true, okay?
240
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:54,476
How much time do you think Kamala Harris
spends staring at her phone every day?
241
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:55,853
[audience laughing]
242
00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:57,938
Just waiting for the call, like...
243
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,652
She's Black and Indian.
Who does she pray to?
244
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:06,864
Come on, Krishna, Jesus.
Just one more bike ride.
245
00:15:06,947 --> 00:15:08,949
Just one more bike ride.
246
00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:13,329
One of the greatest days of my life
was when Donald Trump returned to Twitter.
247
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:18,959
It was. Every day I wake up and remind
Donald Trump that his BMI is not normal.
248
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:23,672
"Hey, Donnie.
What'd you have for breakfast? Lizzo?"
249
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:26,675
-Just goofy, mean shit.
-[audience laughing]
250
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:31,931
It's fun. When you talk shit to Donnie,
his followers will talk shit back to you.
251
00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:34,141
They're not exactly
professional comedians,
252
00:15:34,224 --> 00:15:36,060
whereas I've got nothing
better to do all day
253
00:15:36,143 --> 00:15:38,812
than ruin some white lady
from Kansas's day, you know?
254
00:15:40,397 --> 00:15:42,191
I said some shit
to Donnie the other morning,
255
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:45,235
and some lady read my profile,
says Nimesh Patel.
256
00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:47,237
And she said, "Go back to Iraq."
257
00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:49,573
[audience laughing]
258
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:52,451
Which, in, like, 2002
would have been a decent insult.
259
00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:56,622
Like, a year after 9/11,
we allowed white people your ignorance,
260
00:15:56,705 --> 00:15:58,749
but it's 2023.
261
00:15:58,832 --> 00:16:01,168
You could really research
and hone your racism.
262
00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:04,129
If she was like,
"Go back to Edison, New Jersey,"
263
00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:06,048
like, this bitch is on to something.
264
00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:09,426
-[audience cheering]
-Good for you. You deserve that one.
265
00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:11,595
You put your work in.
266
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,473
But then I read her profile.
267
00:16:14,556 --> 00:16:17,476
It's a white lady
with a picture of her two-year-old son.
268
00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:20,646
It says "conservative Christian mom."
269
00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:23,941
-That's too much information.
-[audience laughing]
270
00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:26,193
So how do I destroy this white lady's day...
271
00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:30,823
in 140 characters,
and combine all the shit?
272
00:16:30,906 --> 00:16:34,952
I wrote back, "I'm gonna pray to Allah..."
273
00:16:35,035 --> 00:16:36,787
[audience laughing]
274
00:16:38,038 --> 00:16:40,749
-"...that your son is gay."
-[audience laughing]
275
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,504
Don't do that.
276
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:51,135
You give an Indian man a word problem,
he's gonna solve it.
277
00:16:51,218 --> 00:16:53,971
[audience laughing]
278
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:59,560
And I put that on the Internet,
and a lot of white people got upset.
279
00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:04,106
"Just another brown man,
hates white people."
280
00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:05,691
Don't tell my white wife...
281
00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:10,529
that I hate whiteys.
It's gonna be a real awkward Thanksgiving.
282
00:17:11,321 --> 00:17:15,200
I tell Indian people, I got a white wife.
They're like, "You fucking sellout."
283
00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:18,328
What did I sell? She's cost me money.
284
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:20,414
[audience laughing]
285
00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:24,126
But I get it. I understand.
You know, I understand Indian people.
286
00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:27,212
You want Indian people to date other
Indian... I get that shit. It's fine.
287
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:28,756
When I started comedy,
288
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:32,134
Indian women weren't exactly
fucking with aspirational dudes.
289
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:36,013
There was no Indian woman
hanging outside of a comedy club,
290
00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:39,016
like, "He's gonna be somebody
in 12 to 15 years."
291
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:42,102
I remember I went on an Indian date,
292
00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:44,480
and I was sitting across the table
from this Indian woman.
293
00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:47,858
I was like, "I'm trying to do comedy.
It's fun but it doesn't pay anything."
294
00:17:47,941 --> 00:17:50,486
She was like,
"Yeah, I'm trying to be a surgeon."
295
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:55,657
I was like, "This ain't gonna work,
but thank you for dinner, Priya."
296
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,534
[audience laughing]
297
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,247
A bunch of Priyas in the room.
298
00:18:02,998 --> 00:18:06,293
You're not a Priya, are you?
Your sister's a Priya.
299
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:07,961
[audience laughing]
300
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,172
Is she dating a doctor?
301
00:18:10,714 --> 00:18:13,926
-[woman] She's married to a doctor.
-She's married to a doctor.
302
00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:15,803
[audience laughing]
303
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:20,766
What kind of Indian are you?
304
00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:23,310
-[woman] I'm a Patel.
-You're a Patel. Welcome.
305
00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:26,855
Let me reframe. Let me reframe!
Let me reframe.
306
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:28,482
I'm a liquor-store Indian.
307
00:18:28,565 --> 00:18:30,734
-[woman] I'm a motel Indian.
-You're a motel Indian.
308
00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:32,361
Okay, excellent. Excellent.
309
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:36,990
See, in America, we have a hierarchy
of Indian people, okay?
310
00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:40,911
There's, like, CEO/hotel Indians,
motel Indians,
311
00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:45,124
then there's doctor Indians,
science Indians, engineer Indians,
312
00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:48,127
and all the way at the bottom,
liquor-store Indians.
313
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:53,132
But when all these people want to drown
their sorrows, who do they come to see?
314
00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:55,843
-Johnnie Walker Patel. That's right.
-[audience laughing]
315
00:18:58,178 --> 00:19:00,806
That's how I grew up.
It was a wild way to grow up.
316
00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:02,891
My dad's store
was in a terrible neighborhood.
317
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,102
It was in Irvington, New Jersey.
318
00:19:05,185 --> 00:19:06,979
-[man] Yeah!
-Yeah.
319
00:19:08,438 --> 00:19:11,733
-That's a gang cry.
-[audience laughing]
320
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,235
Back me up on this.
321
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:18,198
One side of Irvington, Blood gang.
Other side of Irvington, Crip gang.
322
00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:21,660
Only thing they had in common,
they'd both try to rob my father.
323
00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:23,787
[audience laughing]
324
00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:26,498
My dad could only wear purple.
You know what I mean?
325
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,837
It was a fun way to grow up.
It wasn't all bad, you know,
326
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,422
'cause my parents had no idea
327
00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:37,009
it was not okay to send me to school
with liquor store merchandise.
328
00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:41,305
I go to school wearing,
like, Marlboro Red T-shirts.
329
00:19:41,388 --> 00:19:44,141
-[audience laughing]
-I had a Heineken lunchbox.
330
00:19:44,808 --> 00:19:49,313
When I turned 12, I got a Corona bicycle.
I don't know why Corona made a bike.
331
00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:51,607
I guess if you lost your license
using their product,
332
00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:53,275
you still need to get to work.
333
00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:55,235
[chuckling] Just ride on in.
334
00:19:56,612 --> 00:20:00,115
But I think that's why I've had
so much perspective in life,
335
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:03,869
if I look back at what that actually
gave me, my liquor-store upbringing.
336
00:20:03,952 --> 00:20:05,579
'Cause my dad's been shot at.
337
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,415
That's why words and jokes
don't really bother me.
338
00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:09,666
My dad's been shot at.
339
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:12,920
You insult me with racism,
not gonna hurt my feelings at all.
340
00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:15,422
I had a formative experience
when I was 19 years old.
341
00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:16,590
I was out at a party.
342
00:20:16,673 --> 00:20:18,675
Some guy yells out, "Go eat some curry."
343
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:20,636
I was like, "Why wouldn't I do that?"
344
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:24,097
[audience laughing and cheering]
345
00:20:25,515 --> 00:20:28,060
You really hurt my feelings there, Steve.
346
00:20:28,852 --> 00:20:32,522
Why don't you go get addicted to heroin?
How's that working out for your community?
347
00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:36,109
I think I have to go.
348
00:20:37,778 --> 00:20:40,113
I'll tell you two things real quick,
you know.
349
00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:42,991
I was just in D.C. Anyone from D.C.?
350
00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:44,451
[audience members cheering]
351
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:47,871
One of my favorite places
to do comedy is Washington, D.C.
352
00:20:47,955 --> 00:20:52,751
'Cause everyone knows everything in D.C.
It's a very informed place.
353
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:55,921
If ignorance is bliss,
D.C. is the saddest place in the world.
354
00:20:57,339 --> 00:21:00,717
Last time I went to D.C.,
I went alone and I felt lonely.
355
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:04,304
So I put on a suit
and went to the bar at the Ritz-Carlton
356
00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:06,640
to see if I could get a hooker
to hit on me.
357
00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:09,476
And it didn't work,
but I got pretty drunk.
358
00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:13,605
And as I was sitting there,
I felt someone blow in my ear.
359
00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:16,275
And I turned, and it was an old white man...
360
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,778
who looked like
he was holding in a pretty dark secret.
361
00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:24,533
He whispered... He said, "Hey, boy,
room 418 for a good time."
362
00:21:25,867 --> 00:21:29,204
-So I weighed my options.
-[audience laughing]
363
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,665
And then I went upstairs
and I fucked that dude.
364
00:21:32,499 --> 00:21:34,543
Only so many chances you get
to fuck Mike Pence.
365
00:21:34,626 --> 00:21:37,212
You gotta fuck Mike Pence
when you meet Mike Pence.
366
00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:39,715
-[audience cheering]
-I fucked Mike Pence.
367
00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:42,551
Tell everyone you know
Nimesh Patel fucked Mike Pence.
368
00:21:43,218 --> 00:21:44,303
I'm not a homosexual,
369
00:21:44,386 --> 00:21:47,264
but I gave Mike Pence
a stiff five-and-half that evening.
370
00:21:48,056 --> 00:21:49,433
He's a former governor of Indiana,
371
00:21:49,516 --> 00:21:52,728
which is why I found it very odd that
he has a back tattoo that says "Idaho."
372
00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:55,439
-It's very strange.
-[audience laughing]
373
00:21:57,524 --> 00:22:00,152
I'm gonna keep telling that joke
until the day I die.
374
00:22:00,819 --> 00:22:05,240
Or until Mike Pence is like, "I did not
have sexual relations with Nimesh Patel."
375
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:09,369
-[audience cheering]
-But it's true. I fucked Mike Pence.
376
00:22:10,078 --> 00:22:11,830
I told that joke in D.C.
377
00:22:11,913 --> 00:22:16,001
There's an old Indian man in the corner
and he yelled out, "That's not right."
378
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:19,421
I said, "What? That I fucked Mike Pence?"
379
00:22:19,504 --> 00:22:22,174
He said, "No.
You can't get hookers at the Ritz."
380
00:22:22,257 --> 00:22:23,508
[audience laughing]
381
00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:28,764
Those are my people.
382
00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:33,477
You know, I've been asked quite frequently
about comedy these days,
383
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:37,022
the state of comedy,
'cause of artificial intelligence.
384
00:22:37,105 --> 00:22:39,357
How is artificial intelligence
gonna change comedy?
385
00:22:39,441 --> 00:22:42,527
People seem concerned artificial
intelligence's gonna take our jobs.
386
00:22:42,611 --> 00:22:44,654
One of these sticking points
with these studios.
387
00:22:44,738 --> 00:22:48,575
They want to use artificial intelligence
to take writers' jobs.
388
00:22:48,658 --> 00:22:51,328
Truth of matter is,
artificial intelligence can write jokes.
389
00:22:51,411 --> 00:22:55,248
It can write very shitty jokes.
It can also write very shitty TV shows.
390
00:22:55,332 --> 00:22:57,334
Comedy's gonna become very personal,
391
00:22:57,417 --> 00:23:01,505
because ChatGPT could never write a joke
about something like being molested.
392
00:23:01,588 --> 00:23:02,422
You know?
393
00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:05,050
That requires a human touch.
394
00:23:05,133 --> 00:23:08,678
And that is why you need us.
395
00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:09,805
[audience laughing]
396
00:23:09,888 --> 00:23:13,642
Okay? I'm Nimesh.
Have a good night. Thank you. Bye.
397
00:23:13,767 --> 00:23:15,977
[audience cheering]
398
00:23:20,398 --> 00:23:22,818
[announcer]
Keep it going for Leslie Liao!
399
00:23:24,194 --> 00:23:26,279
{\an8}[audience cheering]
400
00:23:31,618 --> 00:23:35,205
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
401
00:23:35,288 --> 00:23:36,456
I like it.
402
00:23:36,540 --> 00:23:39,960
Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't stop. Sorry.
403
00:23:40,043 --> 00:23:42,921
Sorry. You like what you see?
Sorry. I don't know how to...
404
00:23:43,004 --> 00:23:46,133
I always accidentally flirt.
I feel it's 'cause of my voice.
405
00:23:46,216 --> 00:23:49,177
My voice is like, "What's up?
You like that? You like this?"
406
00:23:49,261 --> 00:23:51,763
Sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry.
407
00:23:52,472 --> 00:23:53,598
I do like my voice.
408
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:55,934
I know it's on the deeper side,
but I love it.
409
00:23:56,017 --> 00:23:59,855
I think it's sexy, okay? I like it.
Thank you, honey. Thank you, honey.
410
00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:03,692
I just don't like when men
try to compliment my voice.
411
00:24:03,775 --> 00:24:06,653
'Cause you guys mean well.
You mean to compliment a woman,
412
00:24:06,736 --> 00:24:09,906
but it always comes out
a little bit wrong, you know?
413
00:24:10,407 --> 00:24:14,369
Like, one guy heard me talking,
and he goes, "Ooh, your voice."
414
00:24:14,452 --> 00:24:17,664
"You sound like a sorcerer."
415
00:24:17,789 --> 00:24:19,416
[audience laughing]
416
00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:23,253
I don't know what that means,
but I knew I was mad.
417
00:24:23,336 --> 00:24:26,798
I knew I was upset, okay?
I had to look it up.
418
00:24:28,008 --> 00:24:30,260
A sorcerer is the male version.
419
00:24:30,969 --> 00:24:33,597
Okay? A female is a sorceress.
420
00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:39,477
So have you ever been
mis-gendered as a wizard? Because I have.
421
00:24:41,605 --> 00:24:43,273
It doesn't feel magical.
422
00:24:43,899 --> 00:24:46,776
It's hurtful, okay?
423
00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:49,613
But I am a woman. I love being a woman.
424
00:24:49,696 --> 00:24:51,698
It's just a lot of work, you know?
425
00:24:51,781 --> 00:24:54,492
Like, I have to wear makeup
to look like a woman.
426
00:24:57,078 --> 00:25:01,333
I'm an Asian female, okay?
My facial features are gender neutral.
427
00:25:01,416 --> 00:25:03,251
-[audience laughing]
-Okay?
428
00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:06,546
White people, you don't get it.
White people are different.
429
00:25:06,630 --> 00:25:08,632
You're like, "I have my mom's eyes."
430
00:25:08,715 --> 00:25:12,302
I'm like, "Oh, yeah?
I have my dad's entire face."
431
00:25:12,385 --> 00:25:14,429
[audience laughing]
432
00:25:18,558 --> 00:25:20,393
None of you know him but you see it.
433
00:25:20,477 --> 00:25:23,772
Right? You see... Okay?
434
00:25:23,855 --> 00:25:26,608
One time I was at the airport,
I had no makeup on.
435
00:25:26,691 --> 00:25:29,569
My hair was tied up in a bun.
Someone called me sir.
436
00:25:30,403 --> 00:25:33,907
I am not making this up.
This is a real problem for Asian women.
437
00:25:34,532 --> 00:25:37,619
-You know the plot of Mulan.
-[audience laughing]
438
00:25:37,702 --> 00:25:39,746
Right? Remember?
439
00:25:40,622 --> 00:25:42,749
The young, beautiful Disney princess?
440
00:25:42,832 --> 00:25:45,669
All she does is go like this,
441
00:25:45,752 --> 00:25:48,171
and the plot changes instantly.
442
00:25:48,922 --> 00:25:51,174
Everyone's like,
"Hello, sir. Excuse me, sir."
443
00:25:51,258 --> 00:25:52,342
"The war's this way."
444
00:25:52,425 --> 00:25:54,970
♪ Let's get down to business ♪
445
00:25:56,638 --> 00:26:00,600
-[audience cheering]
-Like... No. No.
446
00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:03,228
I can't put my hair up without hearing
447
00:26:03,311 --> 00:26:04,604
♪ Be a man ♪
448
00:26:04,688 --> 00:26:05,563
Like, what the...
449
00:26:09,067 --> 00:26:11,361
I wear fake eyelashes. Do you understand?
450
00:26:11,444 --> 00:26:16,700
I wear... I glue on hair
where there should already be hair, okay?
451
00:26:16,783 --> 00:26:18,827
Guys, I know you'd be late to stuff too
452
00:26:18,910 --> 00:26:21,037
if you had to glue
your balls on every day.
453
00:26:21,621 --> 00:26:25,083
Just... [blows] Stressed out,
through traffic, like... [blows]
454
00:26:25,959 --> 00:26:28,295
[audience laughing]
455
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:34,426
But I'm a tired, sleepy woman. I'm tired.
456
00:26:34,509 --> 00:26:37,512
I am single,
and I think I want to get married.
457
00:26:37,595 --> 00:26:39,723
I think it's 'cause my parents
are still together,
458
00:26:39,806 --> 00:26:42,183
and your parents
are your first example of love.
459
00:26:42,267 --> 00:26:46,771
I was raised by strong immigrant parents.
They don't mess around.
460
00:26:46,855 --> 00:26:49,482
Divorce is not an option
for my immigrant parents.
461
00:26:49,566 --> 00:26:52,319
They came here
on the buddy system, for real.
462
00:26:52,402 --> 00:26:55,989
"You can't leave me. I don't know anyone.
You literally can't leave me."
463
00:26:56,072 --> 00:26:57,824
[audience laughing]
464
00:26:59,034 --> 00:27:02,078
I love them, though.
They're still together. They're married.
465
00:27:02,162 --> 00:27:05,582
-They've been married for 50 years.
-[audience cheering]
466
00:27:05,665 --> 00:27:08,710
No, it's not romantic.
It's too long. It's too long.
467
00:27:08,793 --> 00:27:10,879
Five-zero, 50 years.
468
00:27:10,962 --> 00:27:13,798
It's concerning at this point.
It's too long.
469
00:27:14,507 --> 00:27:16,384
And I'm fascinated by their marriage.
470
00:27:16,468 --> 00:27:19,804
So I asked my mom,
"How did you make this last with Dad?"
471
00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:22,140
And she said, "You know, sweetie,
472
00:27:22,223 --> 00:27:25,518
it actually gets easier
after so much time,
473
00:27:26,019 --> 00:27:30,398
because you kind of
start to lose all feeling."
474
00:27:30,482 --> 00:27:33,151
[audience laughing]
475
00:27:33,234 --> 00:27:37,364
My mother said, "No, don't worry.
It's okay. I don't feel anything."
476
00:27:38,865 --> 00:27:41,743
I know it sounds weird,
but I want what my parents have.
477
00:27:41,826 --> 00:27:43,703
I do. Okay?
478
00:27:43,787 --> 00:27:47,248
So I'm still looking for that
special someone to grow numb with.
479
00:27:47,999 --> 00:27:51,086
If you're out there, papi,
I'm looking for you, okay?
480
00:27:53,004 --> 00:27:57,342
My father is a tired man.
He's losing it. Fifty years.
481
00:27:57,425 --> 00:28:00,261
I asked him the same thing.
He said he has a trick.
482
00:28:00,345 --> 00:28:02,972
He said, when my mom walks by,
483
00:28:03,681 --> 00:28:06,309
he pretends to be asleep.
484
00:28:06,393 --> 00:28:08,853
[audience laughing]
485
00:28:09,813 --> 00:28:12,857
Just for a moment of peace,
just for a moment of silence.
486
00:28:12,941 --> 00:28:16,528
I'm like, "Dad, that's what animals do
in self-defense. They play dead."
487
00:28:17,153 --> 00:28:21,449
"That's what you do when Mom wants to talk
to you? You fall down to the floor?"
488
00:28:21,533 --> 00:28:25,745
I don't get it. Married people, I know
you guys have good advice. I've heard it.
489
00:28:25,829 --> 00:28:28,790
Like, date night once a week,
or don't go to bed angry.
490
00:28:29,290 --> 00:28:32,252
But my dad is like,
"Close your eyes and hold your breath."
491
00:28:33,211 --> 00:28:37,757
"Shut up. Get down. Don't move.
She'll hear you. Shut up." It's messed up.
492
00:28:38,925 --> 00:28:41,886
But I wanna meet someone. I do.
493
00:28:41,970 --> 00:28:44,389
I don't want to go on dates anymore.
494
00:28:44,472 --> 00:28:46,725
I can't do a date. No more first dates.
495
00:28:46,808 --> 00:28:49,394
I can't do it. I'm in my thirties.
I've done it.
496
00:28:49,477 --> 00:28:52,397
Like, a first date,
it's not productive, you know.
497
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:53,857
Some guy meets me at a bar,
498
00:28:53,940 --> 00:28:56,901
and he tells me stuff about himself
I don't care about.
499
00:28:57,777 --> 00:29:00,029
-Like his name.
-[audience laughing]
500
00:29:00,113 --> 00:29:02,157
I don't care. I don't care.
501
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:05,201
I'm 36 years old. I have a bedtime.
502
00:29:05,869 --> 00:29:08,163
And decisions to make.
I don't have all night.
503
00:29:08,246 --> 00:29:11,040
You need to give me information
that matters to me.
504
00:29:11,124 --> 00:29:13,626
All I need to see is your penis
and your paycheck.
505
00:29:14,627 --> 00:29:16,129
That's it. That's it.
506
00:29:16,212 --> 00:29:19,090
-One minute date, guys. One minute.
-[audience cheering]
507
00:29:19,174 --> 00:29:22,135
Show them to me before dinner.
We'll call it a night, okay?
508
00:29:22,218 --> 00:29:25,930
And show them to me together.
Like, so I can...
509
00:29:27,432 --> 00:29:30,727
So I can look and then weigh my options
and think about it,
510
00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:33,271
think about the pros and cons of each,
you know?
511
00:29:33,354 --> 00:29:35,857
And I want to see everything.
I want to see it all.
512
00:29:35,940 --> 00:29:40,028
I want to see the before and the after,
the flaccid to the erect,
513
00:29:40,528 --> 00:29:42,197
the gross versus net pay.
514
00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:44,657
-I want to see...
-[audience laughing]
515
00:29:44,741 --> 00:29:47,327
...everything you're bringing home to me.
516
00:29:54,125 --> 00:29:57,462
-Are there single, straight women here?
-[women cheering]
517
00:29:57,545 --> 00:29:59,255
Are we doing okay? Are we...
518
00:29:59,881 --> 00:30:03,551
I was like, "No, I hate it. I hate it."
519
00:30:03,635 --> 00:30:05,512
It's hard, right? It's scary.
520
00:30:05,595 --> 00:30:10,391
Honestly, like, I'm constantly scared
being a single, straight woman,
521
00:30:10,475 --> 00:30:12,644
'cause every time I meet a new man,
522
00:30:13,311 --> 00:30:16,523
I don't know whether I should
trust you or fear you.
523
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:19,442
You guys are like plants in the wild.
524
00:30:20,819 --> 00:30:23,822
Some of you are good for me,
but some of you could kill me.
525
00:30:25,156 --> 00:30:27,826
-And you all look the same.
-[audience laughing]
526
00:30:27,909 --> 00:30:30,036
I can't tell the good ones
from the bad ones.
527
00:30:30,119 --> 00:30:32,038
They all look the same. I can't.
528
00:30:32,121 --> 00:30:34,958
And I can't just google it.
I can't just look it up.
529
00:30:35,041 --> 00:30:38,002
Are all Joshuas toxic
or can I put this one in my mouth?
530
00:30:38,086 --> 00:30:39,629
[audience laughing]
531
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:44,843
Like, "Siri, are Trevors
safe to swallow? Siri..."
532
00:30:48,179 --> 00:30:51,474
It's just hard. I have been
dating around, but I feel stuck.
533
00:30:51,558 --> 00:30:54,686
I always attract the same type of guy.
534
00:30:54,769 --> 00:30:57,355
It's always the same genre of dude.
535
00:30:57,438 --> 00:30:59,691
Always the emotionally unavailable
cool guy.
536
00:30:59,774 --> 00:31:01,901
I gotta escape this algorithm.
537
00:31:01,985 --> 00:31:04,404
I can't get out of it.
You know how the algorithm works?
538
00:31:04,487 --> 00:31:07,782
These websites, they track what you like
and feed you more of the same.
539
00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:09,868
You know when you open up your Netflix,
540
00:31:09,951 --> 00:31:13,246
and you see the suggested shows
and you're, like, embarrassed?
541
00:31:13,329 --> 00:31:17,709
You're like, "Who is this for?
This is not for me. There's no way."
542
00:31:17,792 --> 00:31:18,960
You're in denial.
543
00:31:19,043 --> 00:31:22,755
You act like your own poor choices
had nothing to do with your algorithm.
544
00:31:22,839 --> 00:31:25,425
It's your fault, you know.
545
00:31:25,508 --> 00:31:28,595
You're like, "Where's The Crown?
Why can't I find The Crown?"
546
00:31:28,678 --> 00:31:29,596
"I don't see..."
547
00:31:29,679 --> 00:31:32,473
It's like, "You know why?
You binge-watched Tiger King."
548
00:31:32,557 --> 00:31:36,811
"That's why you can't..."
The Crown's not coming for you, sweetie.
549
00:31:37,395 --> 00:31:39,981
It's not who you are, okay? I'm sorry.
550
00:31:41,190 --> 00:31:42,442
But I...
551
00:31:42,525 --> 00:31:45,153
-Are there single, straight men here?
-[audience members cheer]
552
00:31:45,236 --> 00:31:46,946
-Yeah.
-Yeah. The confidence.
553
00:31:47,030 --> 00:31:49,824
"Yeah! Yeah, here I am."
554
00:31:50,283 --> 00:31:54,162
Yeah, penis and paycheck. Let's go.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
555
00:31:54,245 --> 00:31:59,334
Was that abuse? Sorry.
Cut that out. Cut that out. Look, I...
556
00:32:00,460 --> 00:32:03,087
I admire single, straight men.
Consider me an ally.
557
00:32:03,171 --> 00:32:07,008
I admire you guys. I support you.
I've always been there for you.
558
00:32:07,091 --> 00:32:11,220
I respect you guys because you guys are
always expected to make the first move.
559
00:32:11,304 --> 00:32:14,641
And that takes confidence.
I could never bring myself to do that.
560
00:32:15,516 --> 00:32:17,435
And you guys DM a lot.
561
00:32:18,978 --> 00:32:21,064
But I know you don't get replies.
562
00:32:21,940 --> 00:32:25,735
So where does this confidence come from?
I want to know. Teach me.
563
00:32:25,818 --> 00:32:27,278
I don't get it. I don't understand.
564
00:32:27,362 --> 00:32:31,574
I've asked my guy friends that are single.
I always hear the same thing, every time.
565
00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:35,286
It's always the, like...
"You gotta shoot your shot."
566
00:32:35,370 --> 00:32:37,413
[audience laughing]
567
00:32:39,832 --> 00:32:41,960
You got a shoot or shoot, shooters.
568
00:32:42,043 --> 00:32:43,711
I don't get it. I don't get why you guys
569
00:32:43,795 --> 00:32:48,299
have this Wayne Gretzky philosophy
about your little DMs. I don't get it.
570
00:32:48,383 --> 00:32:51,135
You guys live and die
by the quote... The, like...
571
00:32:51,761 --> 00:32:55,598
"You miss 100% of the shots
you don't take." I'm like, "Yeah."
572
00:32:55,682 --> 00:32:59,686
No, that's true, but some of you
miss 100% of the shots you do take.
573
00:33:00,228 --> 00:33:02,563
-So just play to win, fellas.
-[audience laughing]
574
00:33:05,024 --> 00:33:08,611
I don't know why I'm single. I'm so chill.
I don't get it. I don't know.
575
00:33:09,195 --> 00:33:12,198
Okay, I have to go to sleep.
I have to go to bed.
576
00:33:12,281 --> 00:33:14,951
But I'll be fine.
577
00:33:15,493 --> 00:33:18,079
Right? I'll be fine.
That's my affirmation.
578
00:33:18,162 --> 00:33:20,581
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you. Thank you.
579
00:33:21,249 --> 00:33:23,793
I'll meet someone.
I'll figure it out. I just...
580
00:33:23,876 --> 00:33:28,297
At this age, all my friends are married,
so they worry about me.
581
00:33:28,381 --> 00:33:29,757
They check in on me a lot.
582
00:33:29,841 --> 00:33:34,137
They're like, "Leslie, aren't you scared
that you might die alone?"
583
00:33:35,805 --> 00:33:38,433
I'm like, "Dude, I'm an Asian female."
584
00:33:39,350 --> 00:33:40,977
"I don't think we even die."
585
00:33:41,060 --> 00:33:44,439
-[audience laughing and cheering]
-Okay? I don't know.
586
00:33:45,273 --> 00:33:48,234
Look how happy we are.
I don't know what happens to us.
587
00:33:48,317 --> 00:33:51,279
I think we just shrink
and float away, okay?
588
00:33:51,362 --> 00:33:55,074
And I'm excited, okay?
All right, I'm done, and I'm Chinese.
589
00:33:55,158 --> 00:33:57,201
Thank you so much. I have to go home.
590
00:33:57,285 --> 00:33:59,120
[audience cheering]
591
00:34:01,289 --> 00:34:04,459
[announcer] Give it up
for Vanessa Gonzalez!
592
00:34:05,668 --> 00:34:08,755
[audience cheering]
593
00:34:14,302 --> 00:34:18,264
What up, y'all? Where are my ladies at?
594
00:34:18,347 --> 00:34:21,893
-[women cheering]
-Yes. Okay.
595
00:34:21,976 --> 00:34:26,272
I want to start off
by saying that I am pro woman, okay?
596
00:34:26,355 --> 00:34:29,233
-[man] Okay.
-I'm here for all women.
597
00:34:29,317 --> 00:34:31,319
I'm here for trans women.
598
00:34:31,402 --> 00:34:34,989
I'm here for my LGBTQIAs.
599
00:34:35,573 --> 00:34:37,700
Yes, I'm here for everybody.
600
00:34:38,201 --> 00:34:41,537
I do have a hard time with moms, though.
601
00:34:42,538 --> 00:34:45,416
Sorry. Are there any moms here?
602
00:34:46,084 --> 00:34:48,336
Okay, settle down, ma'am.
603
00:34:49,587 --> 00:34:53,841
You get a whole day in May.
Well, half a day.
604
00:34:54,634 --> 00:34:57,011
A brunch, if we're being honest.
605
00:34:57,095 --> 00:34:59,639
But I don't even get a brunch, though.
606
00:35:00,223 --> 00:35:04,852
I've never had a baby.
I know I look like I've had a baby...
607
00:35:05,603 --> 00:35:08,856
because none of my jeans
have buttons or zippers.
608
00:35:09,649 --> 00:35:12,401
Don't look, sir. My eyes are up here.
609
00:35:14,779 --> 00:35:19,492
Yeah, I've never been pregnant
because being pregnant sounds terrifying.
610
00:35:19,575 --> 00:35:22,078
-[woman] Whoo!
-Yeah. Okay. We have some survivors.
611
00:35:22,161 --> 00:35:23,538
Okay? Yeah.
612
00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:28,668
Yeah, it sounds so scary.
And I'm gonna be real with y'all.
613
00:35:28,751 --> 00:35:33,131
I don't really know what happens
when you're pregnant.
614
00:35:33,798 --> 00:35:36,592
-I'm from Texas.
-[audience laughing]
615
00:35:36,676 --> 00:35:39,428
Yeah. Where they teach us
616
00:35:39,512 --> 00:35:43,808
that babies and guns come
from a meat smoker in heaven. Yeah.
617
00:35:44,559 --> 00:35:49,397
I don't have any sisters.
My mom and aunts are fucking liars.
618
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:52,400
-[audience laughing]
-So I can't trust them.
619
00:35:52,984 --> 00:35:54,861
They're always like, "Do it."
620
00:35:55,862 --> 00:35:57,989
"It's nothing."
621
00:35:58,573 --> 00:36:01,242
"We did it. Look at us."
622
00:36:01,325 --> 00:36:05,163
And I'm like, "Y'all are the most
traumatized bitches I know."
623
00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:07,498
"Why would I do that?"
624
00:36:08,749 --> 00:36:11,377
And I know what you're thinking.
"Just google it."
625
00:36:11,460 --> 00:36:13,379
No, I'm not gonna google
626
00:36:13,462 --> 00:36:16,424
"What happens to your body
when you're pregnant?"
627
00:36:16,507 --> 00:36:19,969
-That's gonna fuck up my ads.
-[audience laughing]
628
00:36:20,052 --> 00:36:24,348
I don't need that.
I have a good algorithm going right now.
629
00:36:25,266 --> 00:36:28,644
Yeah. But one of my friends,
one of my best friends,
630
00:36:28,728 --> 00:36:31,063
she's eight months pregnant right now.
631
00:36:31,147 --> 00:36:35,484
She's huge.
I've never seen her this big in my life.
632
00:36:35,568 --> 00:36:37,820
So I called her up
to get the inside scoop,
633
00:36:37,904 --> 00:36:39,989
and I was like, "Okay, bitch."
634
00:36:40,489 --> 00:36:45,369
"What kind of fucked-up shit
is your body doing? Tell me everything."
635
00:36:45,453 --> 00:36:50,041
And she was like,
"Uh, you know, my back kinda hurts."
636
00:36:50,124 --> 00:36:52,585
And I was like,
"Bitch, my back kinda hurts."
637
00:36:52,668 --> 00:36:56,214
Like, get to the good stuff.
638
00:36:57,381 --> 00:37:02,553
And she goes,
"Okay. Let me go to the other room."
639
00:37:03,512 --> 00:37:05,806
And I was like, "Oh, shit."
640
00:37:06,933 --> 00:37:09,352
And I hear her go to the other room.
641
00:37:09,435 --> 00:37:12,813
Close the door, lock, like, ten locks.
642
00:37:13,898 --> 00:37:16,567
She's like, "Are you still there?"
643
00:37:18,110 --> 00:37:21,781
"Okay. It's super fucked up."
644
00:37:22,949 --> 00:37:24,075
"It's so fucked up,
645
00:37:24,158 --> 00:37:28,496
things are happening to me
that have never happened to me before."
646
00:37:28,579 --> 00:37:34,502
"And the worst part is
I can't see my vagina anymore."
647
00:37:35,962 --> 00:37:37,421
And I was like...
648
00:37:38,756 --> 00:37:41,300
[audience laughing]
649
00:37:47,431 --> 00:37:49,350
"Oh, no."
650
00:37:51,102 --> 00:37:54,355
"I cannot fathom
what you are going through."
651
00:37:56,065 --> 00:37:57,566
"It's fucked up."
652
00:37:58,651 --> 00:38:02,780
Y'all, I've never seen my vagina
from my own POV.
653
00:38:03,906 --> 00:38:06,617
I didn't think we were
supposed to be able to.
654
00:38:07,368 --> 00:38:10,538
I honestly thought
that's how you got pink eye.
655
00:38:12,498 --> 00:38:14,208
I hung up on her ass.
656
00:38:15,209 --> 00:38:17,920
I'm like, "Maybe there's some things
I shouldn't know."
657
00:38:19,505 --> 00:38:21,590
Yeah. I love not having kids.
658
00:38:21,674 --> 00:38:23,175
-I'm enjoying it.
-[man] Whoo!
659
00:38:23,259 --> 00:38:25,261
-Yeah. Thank you.
-[man] Yeah.
660
00:38:26,095 --> 00:38:29,098
I live in Austin with my boyfriend.
661
00:38:29,181 --> 00:38:32,601
-I have a boyfriend. Sorry, sir.
-[audience laughing]
662
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:36,939
He was like,
"I like no buttons and zippers."
663
00:38:37,023 --> 00:38:39,066
You're nasty, sir.
664
00:38:39,942 --> 00:38:41,777
You're nasty.
665
00:38:43,696 --> 00:38:46,615
No, I'm very independent, though.
666
00:38:46,699 --> 00:38:48,993
I went on an excursion just the other day.
667
00:38:49,076 --> 00:38:50,244
And by excursion,
668
00:38:50,328 --> 00:38:54,123
I mean I walked four blocks
to the gas station to buy pads.
669
00:38:55,166 --> 00:38:57,543
It was hot. It was hot.
670
00:38:58,502 --> 00:39:01,922
And while I was walking,
I passed this empty parking lot.
671
00:39:02,006 --> 00:39:03,674
In the middle of the parking lot,
672
00:39:03,758 --> 00:39:06,969
there was this big, black bus
parked in the middle of it.
673
00:39:07,053 --> 00:39:10,431
And on the side of the bus,
in big, red, bloody letters,
674
00:39:10,514 --> 00:39:13,976
it just said "ghost bus."
675
00:39:15,019 --> 00:39:19,315
And there was a guy
standing outside of it, counting money,
676
00:39:19,398 --> 00:39:23,277
and he sees me,
and from across the parking lot he yells,
677
00:39:23,819 --> 00:39:27,490
"Hey, you want to get on the ghost bus?"
678
00:39:27,573 --> 00:39:28,949
[audience laughing]
679
00:39:29,784 --> 00:39:33,954
And I was like, "What is that?"
680
00:39:36,457 --> 00:39:41,087
"It's America's
first mobile haunted house."
681
00:39:46,467 --> 00:39:49,220
-"Why?"
-[audience laughing]
682
00:39:50,888 --> 00:39:53,015
"Let me tell you how it works."
683
00:39:53,724 --> 00:39:57,770
"You pay me money,
you get on the bus, you sit down,
684
00:39:57,853 --> 00:40:00,648
and then scary people come up to you."
685
00:40:07,405 --> 00:40:10,866
-"That's the regular bus."
-[audience laughing]
686
00:40:12,118 --> 00:40:13,786
"That's a scam."
687
00:40:14,662 --> 00:40:17,039
"What are you talking about, sir?"
688
00:40:18,124 --> 00:40:20,209
"That's how I'm getting home."
689
00:40:21,752 --> 00:40:23,379
I thought about it. I was like,
690
00:40:23,462 --> 00:40:27,049
"Damn. That's how bad
the housing market is right now."
691
00:40:27,133 --> 00:40:32,888
That the ghosts got to Airbnb
their houses, haunt this damn bus.
692
00:40:33,722 --> 00:40:36,434
It was sad. It was sad.
693
00:40:36,517 --> 00:40:39,854
I love spooky shit, though.
I love spooky shit.
694
00:40:39,937 --> 00:40:43,274
I love Halloween. Love Halloween.
695
00:40:43,357 --> 00:40:47,111
My main goal this year
is to have a good Halloween.
696
00:40:47,194 --> 00:40:49,572
Yes, I have to. I have to,
697
00:40:49,655 --> 00:40:52,783
'cause last year
my Halloween fucking sucked.
698
00:40:52,867 --> 00:40:57,079
I thought it was gonna be good.
I was invited to a costume party.
699
00:40:57,163 --> 00:41:00,875
I was like, "Hell, yeah."
I got a badass costume.
700
00:41:00,958 --> 00:41:05,171
I went as Angela Lansbury
in Murder, She Wrote.
701
00:41:06,005 --> 00:41:09,258
Okay? Yeah.
If y'all don't know who I'm talking about,
702
00:41:09,341 --> 00:41:13,971
she was a white lady
that wrote about murders. Okay?
703
00:41:14,054 --> 00:41:15,973
She solved murders every week
704
00:41:16,056 --> 00:41:17,892
-like it was nothing.
-[man] Whoo!
705
00:41:17,975 --> 00:41:20,144
Yeah, most of the time,
I think it was her.
706
00:41:21,770 --> 00:41:24,690
I think they should have called it
Murder, She Did.
707
00:41:25,941 --> 00:41:29,069
Yeah. If you still don't know
who I'm talking about,
708
00:41:29,153 --> 00:41:31,739
she was Mrs. Potts
in Beauty and the Beast.
709
00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:34,825
-[audience cheering]
-Yes, the original, the original.
710
00:41:34,909 --> 00:41:36,785
Not that Hermione bullshit.
711
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:40,664
If you still don't know
who I'm talking about,
712
00:41:40,748 --> 00:41:45,419
she had short, curly hair,
wore a white blazer, and a pencil skirt.
713
00:41:45,503 --> 00:41:47,922
So that's what I wore to the party.
714
00:41:48,005 --> 00:41:50,090
And when I got to the party,
715
00:41:50,174 --> 00:41:55,054
everyone thought I was the lady
that killed Tejano superstar Selena.
716
00:41:55,137 --> 00:41:57,765
[audience laughing]
717
00:42:03,479 --> 00:42:07,233
And I was like, um,
"I'm Murder, She Wrote."
718
00:42:08,150 --> 00:42:11,362
And they were like, "Yolanda's here."
719
00:42:11,445 --> 00:42:15,115
-[audience laughing]
-"Fucking Yolanda, dude."
720
00:42:16,158 --> 00:42:17,993
I was like, "I'm not Yolanda."
721
00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:20,788
I even had a manila folder
722
00:42:20,871 --> 00:42:24,708
with a bunch of papers
of the murders that I wrote.
723
00:42:26,085 --> 00:42:28,796
And they're like,
"She's got the fan letters."
724
00:42:28,879 --> 00:42:30,339
[audience laughing]
725
00:42:30,923 --> 00:42:32,299
I'm not...
726
00:42:33,884 --> 00:42:35,010
No.
727
00:42:35,553 --> 00:42:40,349
One guy was like, "I'm glad you're here.
There's, like, five Selenas in there."
728
00:42:42,601 --> 00:42:44,311
"Get to work."
729
00:42:45,688 --> 00:42:50,484
I was like, "I'm not Yolanda."
Hashtag-not-Yolanda.
730
00:42:52,486 --> 00:42:57,491
I would never be Yolanda.
I pray to Selena every day.
731
00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:01,954
They were being racist to me, I think.
732
00:43:02,663 --> 00:43:04,540
It was all Mexicans at the party,
733
00:43:04,623 --> 00:43:08,669
but the community
turned against me that night.
734
00:43:09,295 --> 00:43:12,006
Thank you all so much.
I'm Vanessa Gonzalez.
735
00:43:12,089 --> 00:43:14,216
[audience cheering]
736
00:43:20,222 --> 00:43:23,684
[announcer] Put your hands together
for Isiah Kelly!
737
00:43:23,767 --> 00:43:26,729
[audience cheering]
738
00:43:28,105 --> 00:43:30,774
What up, y'all? How y'all doing?
739
00:43:30,858 --> 00:43:32,610
-Doing good?
-[audience cheering]
740
00:43:32,693 --> 00:43:35,154
Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.
741
00:43:35,237 --> 00:43:38,240
I'm happy to be here, man.
I need this money, all right?
742
00:43:38,324 --> 00:43:40,784
-[audience laughing]
-I'm tired of being broke.
743
00:43:40,868 --> 00:43:44,204
Ever be so broke, you got to check
your bank account before you order food?
744
00:43:44,288 --> 00:43:46,624
You be at a place
you should be able to afford. You grown.
745
00:43:46,707 --> 00:43:49,209
But it ain't your week.
That was me and McDonald's.
746
00:43:49,293 --> 00:43:51,670
I went up to the line.
The lady was like, "Can I help you?"
747
00:43:51,754 --> 00:43:55,049
-I'm like, "Yeah, let me get, um..."
-[audience laughing]
748
00:43:56,133 --> 00:43:58,886
"Shit. Did y'all change the menu
in this motherfucker?"
749
00:44:00,763 --> 00:44:05,309
[laughs] I had to get a side-hustle, man.
I started doing Uber Eats.
750
00:44:05,392 --> 00:44:08,187
That shit did not last.
They fired me in three days.
751
00:44:08,854 --> 00:44:11,440
-I'm eating everybody's shit.
-[audience laughing]
752
00:44:11,523 --> 00:44:13,609
Something about somebody else's
McDonald's fries.
753
00:44:13,692 --> 00:44:16,362
Them shits just tastes better
when they're not yours.
754
00:44:16,445 --> 00:44:18,614
And I'm in the bottom of the bag.
755
00:44:18,697 --> 00:44:21,033
That's where the good salty fries
is at, right?
756
00:44:21,116 --> 00:44:23,452
Uber Eats gonna send me an email
talking about,
757
00:44:23,535 --> 00:44:27,998
"Mr. Kelly, this is your second warning
eating somebody's food."
758
00:44:28,082 --> 00:44:29,541
[audience laughing]
759
00:44:29,625 --> 00:44:33,045
"One more strike, we're gonna have to
terminate your contract with Uber Eats."
760
00:44:33,128 --> 00:44:34,713
Fuck it. Let me get this money.
761
00:44:34,838 --> 00:44:37,883
But let me tell y'all
how good God is, right?
762
00:44:37,966 --> 00:44:41,595
And if you don't believe in God,
listen to my testimony.
763
00:44:41,679 --> 00:44:44,682
Tonight I was doing Uber Eats.
I got two strikes.
764
00:44:44,765 --> 00:44:46,684
I got somebody's food in my car.
765
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:49,144
-I'm about to eat that shit.
-[audience laughing]
766
00:44:49,228 --> 00:44:51,647
But I said I'mma man up
'cause I need this money.
767
00:44:51,730 --> 00:44:55,275
-Look how good God is.
-[man] Whoo!
768
00:44:55,359 --> 00:44:56,902
As I'm taking this person their food...
769
00:44:56,985 --> 00:45:00,489
God knew I didn't eat today yet,
so look at the blessing...
770
00:45:00,572 --> 00:45:03,075
-[audience laughing]
-...he gave to me.
771
00:45:03,158 --> 00:45:06,537
I'm taking this person their food
and some idiot cut in front of me.
772
00:45:06,620 --> 00:45:07,788
When he cut in front of me,
773
00:45:07,871 --> 00:45:11,625
I hit my brakes so hard,
the food fell on the seat.
774
00:45:12,876 --> 00:45:15,504
And you can't deliver damaged food.
775
00:45:16,422 --> 00:45:19,633
-I said, "Look at God."
-[audience laughing]
776
00:45:19,716 --> 00:45:22,511
I was fucking them fries up.
"Thank you, Jesus."
777
00:45:26,014 --> 00:45:28,350
-Yeah.
-[audience cheering]
778
00:45:30,394 --> 00:45:31,770
I'm trying to get in shape.
779
00:45:31,854 --> 00:45:34,815
I knew I was out of shape by certain
weed names that caught my attention.
780
00:45:34,898 --> 00:45:37,776
I'm from the Bronx.
In my hood, I'm walking up the street.
781
00:45:37,860 --> 00:45:40,320
I'll be ignoring these dudes.
One dude got me one day.
782
00:45:40,404 --> 00:45:42,906
I'm walking up the block, like,
"My man, I got that weed."
783
00:45:42,990 --> 00:45:45,284
I'm like, "Nah, son. I'm good.
I don't smoke."
784
00:45:45,367 --> 00:45:48,537
The next block, "Y'all got that
giraffe pussy. I got that sour."
785
00:45:48,620 --> 00:45:50,873
I'm like, "Nah, bro. I'm good.
I don't smoke."
786
00:45:50,956 --> 00:45:53,834
The next block,
he caught my attention. He was like, "Yo."
787
00:45:54,460 --> 00:45:57,713
-"I got them Girl Scout cookies."
-[audience laughing]
788
00:45:58,589 --> 00:46:01,258
I said, "You got the Samoas in the bag?"
789
00:46:02,384 --> 00:46:05,179
-"You got the Do-si-dos in this bitch?"
-[audience laughing]
790
00:46:06,805 --> 00:46:07,973
I want to get in shape.
791
00:46:08,056 --> 00:46:11,643
There's a double standard
between bigger people and smaller people.
792
00:46:11,727 --> 00:46:14,146
A bigger person and a smaller person
could do the same shit.
793
00:46:14,229 --> 00:46:16,690
Who everybody gonna judge?
The big motherfucker.
794
00:46:16,773 --> 00:46:18,609
That's fucked up. How much you weigh, bro?
795
00:46:18,692 --> 00:46:21,028
-[man] One-forty.
-One-forty.
796
00:46:22,946 --> 00:46:25,365
[audience laughing]
797
00:46:27,784 --> 00:46:30,954
Nigga, I was in the third grade
the last time I was 140.
798
00:46:31,038 --> 00:46:32,706
[audience laughing]
799
00:46:34,374 --> 00:46:37,961
You got it good, bro. Enjoy that shit.
You in the ones.
800
00:46:40,005 --> 00:46:44,593
I see you. You can fit H&M.
Your little fucking H&M outfit. Fuck you!
801
00:46:45,969 --> 00:46:47,888
I can't fit H&M.
That shit don't work for me.
802
00:46:47,971 --> 00:46:50,599
H&M on me is more like H and mmm!
803
00:46:51,975 --> 00:46:53,644
Mmm!
804
00:46:54,603 --> 00:46:56,230
At 140, you can do what you want to do.
805
00:46:56,313 --> 00:46:58,649
Double standard.
You go to Popeyes tonight.
806
00:46:58,732 --> 00:47:01,360
Walk in Popeyes, get you a suitcase...
807
00:47:02,903 --> 00:47:04,530
filled with chicken.
808
00:47:04,947 --> 00:47:08,408
You 140.
Ain't nobody gonna say shit to you.
809
00:47:08,492 --> 00:47:11,495
I come out that same Popeyes
eating some lettuce, people looking at me.
810
00:47:11,578 --> 00:47:15,749
"Look at the fat nigga with the lettuce.
Look at big boy trying to get healthy."
811
00:47:15,832 --> 00:47:19,378
"Look, look, look.
New year, new you, huh?"
812
00:47:20,754 --> 00:47:22,923
You can't do good shit
around Black people.
813
00:47:23,006 --> 00:47:25,551
We make fun of you
for doing the right shit, right?
814
00:47:25,634 --> 00:47:27,636
You get in the car, put your seatbelt on.
815
00:47:27,719 --> 00:47:30,055
"Look at this motherfucker
trying to be safe."
816
00:47:30,138 --> 00:47:31,056
[audience laughing]
817
00:47:31,890 --> 00:47:34,309
"He think he's better
than everybody in the car."
818
00:47:37,729 --> 00:47:39,314
That's some bullshit, man.
819
00:47:41,316 --> 00:47:42,985
I found out gay dudes like me.
820
00:47:43,068 --> 00:47:44,236
[man] Whoo!
821
00:47:45,529 --> 00:47:48,073
I'm their type.
They like the beard, I guess.
822
00:47:48,156 --> 00:47:49,908
Some of these gay dudes be aggressive.
823
00:47:49,992 --> 00:47:52,411
I was in the mall shopping,
this gay dude's in the mall.
824
00:47:52,494 --> 00:47:53,912
Motherfucker's like 6'8".
825
00:47:54,705 --> 00:47:55,831
Big, gay motherfucker.
826
00:47:55,914 --> 00:47:59,543
He's in the World Record book.
He's the biggest gay dude out right now.
827
00:48:00,294 --> 00:48:05,507
And he's following me around the mall.
Every store I went into, he went into.
828
00:48:05,591 --> 00:48:07,134
And I got nervous. I was like,
829
00:48:07,217 --> 00:48:10,137
"Yo. I might really have
to give this nigga my number."
830
00:48:10,220 --> 00:48:13,307
[audience laughing]
831
00:48:14,725 --> 00:48:17,519
But I ain't no... I stood up.
And he got an attitude.
832
00:48:17,603 --> 00:48:19,938
He was trying to holler at me.
I was ignoring him.
833
00:48:20,022 --> 00:48:21,982
He gonna yell at me? "Hey, yo, my man."
834
00:48:22,065 --> 00:48:23,609
[audience laughing]
835
00:48:23,692 --> 00:48:25,777
"You don't see me trying to talk to you?"
836
00:48:25,861 --> 00:48:29,281
"I mean, that's disrespectful.
You know where the fuck you at?"
837
00:48:29,364 --> 00:48:32,701
I'm from the hood. I said,
"Yo, bro, who the fuck you talking to?"
838
00:48:32,784 --> 00:48:33,785
"You talking to me?"
839
00:48:33,869 --> 00:48:36,288
He was gangster.
He was like, "Yeah, you with the fat ass."
840
00:48:36,371 --> 00:48:37,789
I was like, "Hold on."
841
00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:42,002
"Let me call my Uber and get out of here."
842
00:48:43,253 --> 00:48:47,132
I couldn't really be mad at him, though,
'cause I got my mother's ass, so...
843
00:48:47,799 --> 00:48:51,136
He wasn't lying, but still,
he didn't have to tell me that shit.
844
00:48:51,219 --> 00:48:54,264
Any fellas got their mother's ass?
Clap it off if you got your mother's ass.
845
00:48:54,348 --> 00:48:56,975
[men cheering]
846
00:48:57,100 --> 00:48:58,435
[laughs]
847
00:48:58,518 --> 00:49:01,772
Just the three of us. We're the only
thick motherfuckers in here?
848
00:49:02,230 --> 00:49:06,109
The other dudes don't want to clap.
"I ain't got no ass. I'm a grown-ass man."
849
00:49:07,903 --> 00:49:10,697
We've got to step our game up.
The ladies is talking about us.
850
00:49:10,781 --> 00:49:13,408
The ladies are saying we can't get it up.
851
00:49:14,326 --> 00:49:16,995
-Well, not we. Y'all. They say...
-[audience laughing]
852
00:49:17,829 --> 00:49:23,085
Fellas, clap it up if you got to take that
Viagra and Cialis to get your dick up.
853
00:49:23,168 --> 00:49:24,920
Clap it up, fellas.
854
00:49:25,003 --> 00:49:27,047
[audience laughing]
855
00:49:28,548 --> 00:49:31,218
-There's one dude...
-[audience laughing]
856
00:49:31,301 --> 00:49:34,388
My dad is here. Dad, clap.
You take that Viagra.
857
00:49:36,431 --> 00:49:39,685
Fellas, clap it up if you was
ever about to have sex with a lady
858
00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:42,145
and your dick just couldn't get up.
You had a bad night.
859
00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:44,398
Clap it up if that ever happened to you.
860
00:49:44,481 --> 00:49:46,024
[audience clapping faintly]
861
00:49:46,108 --> 00:49:49,695
Appreciate that. The rest of you dudes
are lying like a motherfucker.
862
00:49:50,362 --> 00:49:53,073
Ask the ladies. Ladies keep it real.
They don't give a fuck.
863
00:49:53,156 --> 00:49:54,116
Ladies, clap it up
864
00:49:54,199 --> 00:49:57,452
if you were about to have sex with a dude
and he couldn't get it up. Clap it up.
865
00:49:57,536 --> 00:50:00,038
[women cheering]
866
00:50:02,124 --> 00:50:04,960
And if you sitting next to him,
blink, blink.
867
00:50:05,043 --> 00:50:07,087
[audience laughing]
868
00:50:08,922 --> 00:50:10,841
That motherfucking dick be like, "No."
869
00:50:14,678 --> 00:50:15,721
"No."
870
00:50:17,472 --> 00:50:19,641
I'm 31. Dick get hard quick.
871
00:50:20,726 --> 00:50:23,937
-How old are you, bro? How old are you?
-[man] Twenty-nine.
872
00:50:24,020 --> 00:50:26,189
Twenty-nine. So you already know.
873
00:50:26,857 --> 00:50:29,276
Dick don't waste no time.
I went to the doctor.
874
00:50:29,359 --> 00:50:33,280
I thought something was wrong with me.
My dick was getting hard for anything.
875
00:50:33,363 --> 00:50:34,698
And I went to the doctor,
876
00:50:34,781 --> 00:50:38,618
and I was like, "Yo, Doc,
something might be wrong with me."
877
00:50:39,327 --> 00:50:40,787
"I might have a problem."
878
00:50:40,871 --> 00:50:44,666
And he was like,
"No, enjoy that now while you can."
879
00:50:46,126 --> 00:50:48,879
"There's gonna come a time
where it don't work like that."
880
00:50:48,962 --> 00:50:51,256
And I was like,
"No, something wrong with me."
881
00:50:51,339 --> 00:50:53,633
"Little shit getting me hard."
He was like, "What?"
882
00:50:53,717 --> 00:50:55,969
I was like, I was on the phone
with this chick one night.
883
00:50:56,052 --> 00:50:58,930
She was like, "You could come over here.
I made you some wings."
884
00:50:59,014 --> 00:51:02,476
-I was like, "You made wings tonight?"
-[audience laughing]
885
00:51:08,940 --> 00:51:12,861
She was like, "I got cable and Wi-Fi."
"You got cable and Wi-Fi?"
886
00:51:12,944 --> 00:51:15,614
[audience laughing]
887
00:51:15,697 --> 00:51:17,324
"Can I bring my PlayStation?"
888
00:51:20,619 --> 00:51:24,122
And, ladies, get you a man
that got some money and stay with him.
889
00:51:24,206 --> 00:51:25,916
No matter what he do.
890
00:51:26,416 --> 00:51:30,045
If a man got some money, ladies,
and he cheat on you, work it out,
891
00:51:31,087 --> 00:51:33,590
because you don't want to leave a man
that got some money
892
00:51:33,673 --> 00:51:36,218
and find you a broke dude
that's gonna treat you right.
893
00:51:36,301 --> 00:51:38,303
-You don't want that.
-[audience laughing]
894
00:51:38,386 --> 00:51:41,056
You're not gonna get both.
That's not how God made us.
895
00:51:42,557 --> 00:51:44,518
All the fellas that cheat, clap it up.
896
00:51:44,976 --> 00:51:46,478
[audience cheering faintly]
897
00:51:48,563 --> 00:51:50,315
That's why y'all in the back,
motherfuckers.
898
00:51:50,398 --> 00:51:51,942
[audience laughing]
899
00:51:54,528 --> 00:51:57,614
Relationships is tough, man. It is, man.
900
00:51:57,697 --> 00:51:59,157
And me being from the hood,
901
00:51:59,241 --> 00:52:02,702
I don't like when people
come from the hood,
902
00:52:02,786 --> 00:52:06,122
and they get a little money,
and they forget where they came from.
903
00:52:06,206 --> 00:52:08,291
I don't like that.
Never forget where you came from.
904
00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:12,087
That's my aunt.
She finally got her lawsuit money, so...
905
00:52:12,170 --> 00:52:14,005
[audience laughing]
906
00:52:14,089 --> 00:52:16,675
So she thinks she's better
than everybody now.
907
00:52:17,133 --> 00:52:19,135
She got mad rules in the house.
Too many rules.
908
00:52:19,219 --> 00:52:21,054
We get over there to her new house,
909
00:52:21,137 --> 00:52:24,850
she's like, "Yeah, y'all got
to take them shoes off on my carpet."
910
00:52:24,933 --> 00:52:27,310
I was like, "You know what?
I understand that."
911
00:52:27,394 --> 00:52:29,187
Then we get to the carpet.
912
00:52:29,271 --> 00:52:31,773
She's like, "Y'all got
to take them socks off too."
913
00:52:31,857 --> 00:52:36,319
Right. And I was like, "Bitch,
I'm going home. My feet fucked up."
914
00:52:36,403 --> 00:52:40,574
"Ain't nobody about to see my toes today."
I wear socks in the pool.
915
00:52:40,657 --> 00:52:42,409
[audience laughing]
916
00:52:44,202 --> 00:52:47,789
I found out I had fucked-up feet
in a weird way.
917
00:52:47,873 --> 00:52:49,666
This is how I found out
I had fucked-up feet.
918
00:52:49,749 --> 00:52:53,003
-I sent this chick a dick pic, right?
-[audience laughing]
919
00:52:55,213 --> 00:53:00,677
Hear me out. This was, like, 2007/2008.
920
00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:04,222
This is when the dick pic era
first hit the streets.
921
00:53:05,223 --> 00:53:09,060
And, fellas, times has changed.
Don't just send no lady no dick pic.
922
00:53:09,144 --> 00:53:11,855
You know, let her ask for it.
Don't just send no dick.
923
00:53:11,938 --> 00:53:14,524
It's gonna be in a group chat.
You know what I mean?
924
00:53:14,608 --> 00:53:15,942
[audience laughing]
925
00:53:17,027 --> 00:53:19,905
And I sent this chick a dick...
And she asked for it.
926
00:53:19,988 --> 00:53:24,242
She said, "Yo, before we do anything,
show me what you're working with."
927
00:53:24,326 --> 00:53:27,120
-And I was like, "Bet."
-[audience laughing]
928
00:53:27,203 --> 00:53:29,497
I went to the bathroom, put my foot...
929
00:53:29,581 --> 00:53:31,666
[audience laughing]
930
00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:35,045
...on the tub.
931
00:53:35,587 --> 00:53:39,174
I got the good angle.
I mean, that bitch like bam, bam, bam.
932
00:53:39,257 --> 00:53:40,550
I took, like, 100 pictures.
933
00:53:40,634 --> 00:53:44,179
I'm looking at every picture,
like, "Yeah, my shit looks strong."
934
00:53:44,262 --> 00:53:47,933
"I'm gonna send the one with the veins.
She probably gonna like that one."
935
00:53:48,016 --> 00:53:50,060
And I sent it with confidence.
936
00:53:50,143 --> 00:53:52,312
Five minutes later,
she gonna text me back.
937
00:53:52,395 --> 00:53:54,814
-"Are those your feet?"
-[audience laughing]
938
00:53:54,898 --> 00:53:58,360
-[man] Damn.
-I'm looking at the picture like, "Fuck!"
939
00:53:59,694 --> 00:54:03,156
-"God damn it. I forgot my socks."
-[audience laughing]
940
00:54:04,199 --> 00:54:05,909
I text her back, "Nah."
941
00:54:05,992 --> 00:54:07,661
[audience laughing]
942
00:54:12,123 --> 00:54:14,084
"No, those ain't my feet."
943
00:54:15,251 --> 00:54:18,088
She's like, "If that ain't your feet,
whose dick is that?
944
00:54:18,713 --> 00:54:21,841
I said, "Nah, that's my dick,
but I don't know whose feet that is."
945
00:54:21,925 --> 00:54:25,095
That's my time. My name's Isiah Kelly.
Y'all been a great crowd.
946
00:54:25,178 --> 00:54:27,097
[audience cheering]