[announcer] Put your hands together for Robby Hoffman!
[audience cheering]
-How's it going, faggots? -[audience cheering faintly]
-I said, how's it going, faggots? -[audience cheering]
No, that wasn't nice. I'm so sorry.
I meant to say good evening or something like this.
You know what I mean? I come off hard a bit, you know,
and it's not nice.
I've been called a lot of stuff recently, and I think it's important to own it.
Keep perspective, right? Like, I'm called a dyke-kike.
-It's kind of a cute haiku. -[audience laughing]
I think that's sweet. I think it's kind of nice.
But words can hurt people, you know. And it's important to keep perspective.
People call you shit, whatever. Who cares?
Right? It could always be worse.
Right? That's the Jewish way. It could always be worse.
All right? As long as I'm not in an oven, I'm fine.
-Do you see what I'm saying? -[audience laughing]
Surprise, surprise, my parents are homophobic. [laughs]
I'm just always trying to bring back "surprise, surprise."
You guys could use it in a sentence.
My mother is homophobic 'cause I'm gay. So checks out.
You know, she's not, like, homophobic for no reason.
This shit happened to her. She's got a right.
Easy for you not to be homophobic. This happen to your kid? No. Shut up.
Fuck.
And in general, your parents are homophobic because you're gay,
and they made you, which means one of them is fucking gay.
[audience laughing]
I didn't come out of nowhere.
So they got to be looking at each other like the Spider-Man meme.
-Which one of you turned the bitch gay? -[audience laughing]
-My father, for sure. -[all laugh]
The dude wears cowboy boots. There's no rodeo in New York City.
-Jig is up. -[audience laughing]
You know...
Now when I get asked to do a show,
the first thing I get asked is, what's my pronouns?
Right? What's my pronouns? People are mad when I give them "she/her."
People are like, "That's a they/them if I ever fucking saw it."
[audience laughing]
"What the fuck are we doing all this shit for?"
And I would have used they/them.
They/them would have been a viable option for a person like me.
But you took it and you made it annoying.
[audience cheering]
I don't want to be part
of the world's most annoying fucking community that ever was.
I'm already Jewish.
-How much more... -[audience laughing]
...could a person take?
I don't like to step on any toes,
so I leave the they/them for the queer girls here with boyfriends.
I don't wanna get in anyone's way.
Chappelle, is that uplifting? I know, stand-up...
You know, I'm a firm believer that stand-up should keep it light.
Chappelle, we can all agree, is transphobic.
He will not use your preferred pronouns.
He's on the record. He will not use your preferred pronouns.
Yeah. He's 70.
[audience laughing]
Do you want to live in a world where 70-year-olds
know what the fuck is going on with pronouns?
That breaks the world for me. Can't we enjoy old people anymore?
Is there nothing fun left?
That was the whole point of the old. They don't know things.
Out of the goodness of your heart, you go and see them once a year,
you pour a tall glass of red,
you sit back and you enjoy the bigoted old.
Have we nothing fun left anymore?
But no. Now we got rich teenagers tweeting from their rooms.
"My grandparents won't use my preferred pronouns."
"They don't care about non-binary people."
Bitch, they don't care about Black people.
[audience laughing]
Wake up.
Do we have any regular people here?
-Any... -[audience member cheers]
Regular people love to have a dream. You ever notice this?
Regular people love to have a dream on the side they never do nothing with.
It's like my sister. She's like, "When I start decorating other people's homes..."
Huh?
Your house is a dump.
Everything's from Ashley Furniture.
What, you think they're throwing you on HGTV tomorrow? Grow up.
In fact, if you're a 30-year-old here tonight with a dream, drop it.
[audience laughing]
You're an embarrassment to yourself and everyone around you.
I can't tell you how many times I have grown men tell me after shows
they want to try stand-up comedy.
-Call the police. -[audience laughing]
Do we have any non-Jewish people here?
-Any non-Jews? Any gentiles? -[audience cheers faintly]
Do not "woo" for gentiles, you fucking Nazis.
New York City, my God.
No, non-Jews...
Non-ethnic people in general have a very strange way of communicating.
Huh? They say things like, "Not to make it all about me..."
'Cause I might be telling a story,
and then suddenly you'll have a story similar,
and you're animated and you're excited and you share your own story.
-But then suddenly, you have a shame. -[audience laughing]
And you feel bad, and you go, "Sorry. I didn't mean to make it all about me."
Huh?
I'm about me, you're about you. That's how this goes.
I don't know fuck about you.
-Do not talk about me. -[audience laughing]
I don't even know how we got here,
where we let the most boring talkers on the planet
make the rules for talking. Right?
Like this concept of interrupting.
I never heard it growing up, never knew the word.
But some bitch last week was like, "You interrupted me." I was like, "Huh?"
Yeah, I had some shit to say.
[audience laughing and cheering]
-Whoever has the best shit to say wins. -[audience laughing]
You got nothing, Carly. Wrap it up.
Fuck.
Do we have any normal... Any heterosexual people here?
[audience cheers faintly]
Sorry. Normal people using the word partner.
-What are you, gay? -[audience laughing]
Are you gay? You like it in the tuchus? What's going on?
-[audience laughing] -Huh?
My friend Priti broke up... Said, "My partner and I split."
I said, "What are you, gay?"
She said, "No, it's still Michael." I said, "I thought you were gay."
Now, Priti and Michael, they've been together five years.
She was distraught about this.
So I tried to switch gears, console her. Then I realized, well, he wasn't rich.
So, really, what was she missing?
What? Men, it's easier for you to make money. At least have money.
-Uncomfortable, aren't we, sir? -[audience laughing]
What? Men, you invented the system that benefits you. Now work it!
It's like I tell my little sister.
"Your money is yours and his is both of yours."
-That's what equality means. -[audience member] Whoo!
-Pussy's not cheap. -[woman] Yes. Whoo!
Pussy is not free.
Pussy is a high-end luxury product.
[audience cheering]
Expect to pay a premium. You want free, get dick.
[audience laughing]
Dick is free.
Dick is so free, I could go out there right now, get two dicks if I wanted.
[audience laughing]
Pussies are Chanel. Save up.
As soon as I found out I was gay, I'm like, "I got to get cash."
"How am I gonna work these numbers out?"
I'll leave on something more personal.
You guys have taken it real well for me tonight. Thank you.
Such a good girl, this audience. Thank you.
Okay, I'll just say it.
I finally started using the men's bathroom.
-There, I said it. -[audience cheering]
Thank you. But maybe not for the reason that you think.
Uh, it's to avoid all the fucking kids...
[audience laughing]
...they got in the women's bathroom.
I got to be taking a piss with some mother
teaching her six-year-old boy how to shit for the first time?
He's grunting in the stall next to me.
His little feet dangling off the fucking toilet.
That's been the whole bathroom debate in this country.
Let's get these goddamn kids their own damn bathroom.
[audience cheering]
With a little door that makes it fun for them to go into, and lock it and burn it.
I am Robby Hoffman. Follow me on everything.
Thank you, New York City.
[audience cheering]
[announcer] Welcome to the stage Nimesh Patel!
[audience cheering]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I have to begin by apologizing to someone in the room.
I was using the civilian bathrooms and I was waiting in line,
and one of you came up and asked, "Hey, are you waiting?"
I said, "No. I like to watch," and I'm sorry.
[audience laughing]
That's not who I am.
It's just instinct.
That's my favorite part of the trans debate, by the way.
You got to keep all the trans people out of all the bathrooms.
You can keep all the trans people out of all the bathrooms you want,
-I'm still gonna be there. -[audience laughing]
Lurking, just...
"Show me that pink dick, boy."
[audience laughing]
We having fun?
I have to get off social media.
Hi. Good to see you. Thank you for being here.
I don't know who that is, but she's Indian,
-so I assume she's here for me. -[audience cheering]
As I was saying, social media, I got to get off. I'm addicted.
It's like cigarettes in the '50s.
Everyone's doing it, so no one realizes it's killing us.
Ten years from now, there'll be commercials, like,
"I used to Instagram three times a day."
[audience laughing]
If you don't understand that joke, it's 'cause you're in your twenties.
In the early '90s, there was an anti-smoking campaign.
To get people to stop smoking,
they put a lady with a hole in her throat on national television
to traumatize an entire generation... into not smoking.
It worked, 'cause I vape now. That shit was brilliant, man.
-Such a smart plan. I'm so happy. -[audience laughing]
The following seven minutes or so
is a set of jokes that Netflix rejected five years ago.
-[audience laughs and cheers] -I'm happy to be here.
This joke not included.
Now that we have an Indian guy running for president,
I have to talk about this Indian guy running for president.
You guys know Vivek Herba-swami?
-[man] Fuck him. -Fuck him, indeed.
He's a herb. If you don't know what a herb is,
it's what we called people in the '90s when they were being herbs.
It's a very nebulous term.
I only have ten minutes. I can't explain it all.
-[audience laughing] -He's running on campaign truths.
His number one campaign truth? God is real.
Word, Vivek? Then why did he make you 5'7"?
[audience laughing]
That's shorter than Roosevelt was in a wheelchair. Do you understand?
-[audience laughing] -He did look tall at the debates,
'cause I think he was standing on the back of a homeless guy.
I hate everything he stands for.
I hate him truly and deeply, but I want him to win.
-Because I want to be on SNL. -[audience laughing]
I just think...
[audience cheering]
I've been working on my Vivek smile. Ready?
It's pretty good, Lauren. Give me a call.
[audience laughing]
I posted that joke on the Internet two days ago, and people got into my DMs.
"I bet you won't make fun of Biden. I bet you won't make fun of Joe Biden."
You're right. I won't make fun of Joe Biden.
Making fun of Biden is like making fun of someone in the hospice. Understand?
[audience laughing]
Let the man die.
Let the man die. Let Kamala Harris' dreams come true, okay?
How much time do you think Kamala Harris spends staring at her phone every day?
[audience laughing]
Just waiting for the call, like...
She's Black and Indian. Who does she pray to?
Come on, Krishna, Jesus. Just one more bike ride.
One of the greatest days of my life was when Donald Trump returned to Twitter.
It was. Every day I wake up and remind Donald Trump that his BMI is not normal.
"Hey, Donnie. What'd you have for breakfast? Lizzo?"
-Just goofy, mean shit. -[audience laughing]
It's fun. When you talk shit to Donnie, his followers will talk shit back to you.
They're not exactly professional comedians,
whereas I've got nothing better to do all day
than ruin some white lady from Kansas's day, you know?
I said some shit to Donnie the other morning,
and some lady read my profile, says Nimesh Patel.
And she said, "Go back to Iraq."
[audience laughing]
Which, in, like, 2002 would have been a decent insult.
Like, a year after 9/11, we allowed white people your ignorance,
but it's 2023.
You could really research and hone your racism.
If she was like, "Go back to Edison, New Jersey,"
like, this bitch is on to something.
-[audience cheering] -Good for you. You deserve that one.
You put your work in.
But then I read her profile.
It's a white lady with a picture of her two-year-old son.
It says "conservative Christian mom."
-That's too much information. -[audience laughing]
So how do I destroy this white lady's day...
in 140 characters, and combine all the shit?
I wrote back, "I'm gonna pray to Allah..."
[audience laughing]
-"...that your son is gay." -[audience laughing]
Don't do that.
You give an Indian man a word problem, he's gonna solve it.
[audience laughing]
And I put that on the Internet, and a lot of white people got upset.
"Just another brown man, hates white people."
Don't tell my white wife...
that I hate whiteys. It's gonna be a real awkward Thanksgiving.
I tell Indian people, I got a white wife. They're like, "You fucking sellout."
What did I sell? She's cost me money.
[audience laughing]
But I get it. I understand. You know, I understand Indian people.
You want Indian people to date other Indian... I get that shit. It's fine.
When I started comedy,
Indian women weren't exactly fucking with aspirational dudes.
There was no Indian woman hanging outside of a comedy club,
like, "He's gonna be somebody in 12 to 15 years."
I remember I went on an Indian date,
and I was sitting across the table from this Indian woman.
I was like, "I'm trying to do comedy. It's fun but it doesn't pay anything."
She was like, "Yeah, I'm trying to be a surgeon."
I was like, "This ain't gonna work, but thank you for dinner, Priya."
[audience laughing]
A bunch of Priyas in the room.
You're not a Priya, are you? Your sister's a Priya.
[audience laughing]
Is she dating a doctor?
-[woman] She's married to a doctor. -She's married to a doctor.
[audience laughing]
What kind of Indian are you?
-[woman] I'm a Patel. -You're a Patel. Welcome.
Let me reframe. Let me reframe! Let me reframe.
I'm a liquor-store Indian.
-[woman] I'm a motel Indian. -You're a motel Indian.
Okay, excellent. Excellent.
See, in America, we have a hierarchy of Indian people, okay?
There's, like, CEO/hotel Indians, motel Indians,
then there's doctor Indians, science Indians, engineer Indians,
and all the way at the bottom, liquor-store Indians.
But when all these people want to drown their sorrows, who do they come to see?
-Johnnie Walker Patel. That's right. -[audience laughing]
That's how I grew up. It was a wild way to grow up.
My dad's store was in a terrible neighborhood.
It was in Irvington, New Jersey.
-[man] Yeah! -Yeah.
-That's a gang cry. -[audience laughing]
Back me up on this.
One side of Irvington, Blood gang. Other side of Irvington, Crip gang.
Only thing they had in common, they'd both try to rob my father.
[audience laughing]
My dad could only wear purple. You know what I mean?
It was a fun way to grow up. It wasn't all bad, you know,
'cause my parents had no idea
it was not okay to send me to school with liquor store merchandise.
I go to school wearing, like, Marlboro Red T-shirts.
-[audience laughing] -I had a Heineken lunchbox.
When I turned 12, I got a Corona bicycle. I don't know why Corona made a bike.
I guess if you lost your license using their product,
you still need to get to work.
[chuckling] Just ride on in.
But I think that's why I've had so much perspective in life,
if I look back at what that actually gave me, my liquor-store upbringing.
'Cause my dad's been shot at.
That's why words and jokes don't really bother me.
My dad's been shot at.
You insult me with racism, not gonna hurt my feelings at all.
I had a formative experience when I was 19 years old.
I was out at a party.
Some guy yells out, "Go eat some curry."
I was like, "Why wouldn't I do that?"
[audience laughing and cheering]
You really hurt my feelings there, Steve.
Why don't you go get addicted to heroin? How's that working out for your community?
I think I have to go.
I'll tell you two things real quick, you know.
I was just in D.C. Anyone from D.C.?
[audience members cheering]
One of my favorite places to do comedy is Washington, D.C.
'Cause everyone knows everything in D.C. It's a very informed place.
If ignorance is bliss, D.C. is the saddest place in the world.
Last time I went to D.C., I went alone and I felt lonely.
So I put on a suit and went to the bar at the Ritz-Carlton
to see if I could get a hooker to hit on me.
And it didn't work, but I got pretty drunk.
And as I was sitting there, I felt someone blow in my ear.
And I turned, and it was an old white man...
who looked like he was holding in a pretty dark secret.
He whispered... He said, "Hey, boy, room 418 for a good time."
-So I weighed my options. -[audience laughing]
And then I went upstairs and I fucked that dude.
Only so many chances you get to fuck Mike Pence.
You gotta fuck Mike Pence when you meet Mike Pence.
-[audience cheering] -I fucked Mike Pence.
Tell everyone you know Nimesh Patel fucked Mike Pence.
I'm not a homosexual,
but I gave Mike Pence a stiff five-and-half that evening.
He's a former governor of Indiana,
which is why I found it very odd that he has a back tattoo that says "Idaho."
-It's very strange. -[audience laughing]
I'm gonna keep telling that joke until the day I die.
Or until Mike Pence is like, "I did not have sexual relations with Nimesh Patel."
-[audience cheering] -But it's true. I fucked Mike Pence.
I told that joke in D.C.
There's an old Indian man in the corner and he yelled out, "That's not right."
I said, "What? That I fucked Mike Pence?"
He said, "No. You can't get hookers at the Ritz."
[audience laughing]
Those are my people.
You know, I've been asked quite frequently about comedy these days,
the state of comedy, 'cause of artificial intelligence.
How is artificial intelligence gonna change comedy?
People seem concerned artificial intelligence's gonna take our jobs.
One of these sticking points with these studios.
They want to use artificial intelligence to take writers' jobs.
Truth of matter is, artificial intelligence can write jokes.
It can write very shitty jokes. It can also write very shitty TV shows.
Comedy's gonna become very personal,
because ChatGPT could never write a joke about something like being molested.
You know?
That requires a human touch.
And that is why you need us.
[audience laughing]
Okay? I'm Nimesh. Have a good night. Thank you. Bye.
[audience cheering]
[announcer] Keep it going for Leslie Liao!
[audience cheering]
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
I like it.
Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't stop. Sorry.
Sorry. You like what you see? Sorry. I don't know how to...
I always accidentally flirt. I feel it's 'cause of my voice.
My voice is like, "What's up? You like that? You like this?"
Sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry.
I do like my voice.
I know it's on the deeper side, but I love it.
I think it's sexy, okay? I like it. Thank you, honey. Thank you, honey.
I just don't like when men try to compliment my voice.
'Cause you guys mean well. You mean to compliment a woman,
but it always comes out a little bit wrong, you know?
Like, one guy heard me talking, and he goes, "Ooh, your voice."
"You sound like a sorcerer."
[audience laughing]
I don't know what that means, but I knew I was mad.
I knew I was upset, okay? I had to look it up.
A sorcerer is the male version.
Okay? A female is a sorceress.
So have you ever been mis-gendered as a wizard? Because I have.
It doesn't feel magical.
It's hurtful, okay?
But I am a woman. I love being a woman.
It's just a lot of work, you know?
Like, I have to wear makeup to look like a woman.
I'm an Asian female, okay? My facial features are gender neutral.
-[audience laughing] -Okay?
White people, you don't get it. White people are different.
You're like, "I have my mom's eyes."
I'm like, "Oh, yeah? I have my dad's entire face."
[audience laughing]
None of you know him but you see it.
Right? You see... Okay?
One time I was at the airport, I had no makeup on.
My hair was tied up in a bun. Someone called me sir.
I am not making this up. This is a real problem for Asian women.
-You know the plot of Mulan. -[audience laughing]
Right? Remember?
The young, beautiful Disney princess?
All she does is go like this,
and the plot changes instantly.
Everyone's like, "Hello, sir. Excuse me, sir."
"The war's this way."
♪ Let's get down to business ♪
-[audience cheering] -Like... No. No.
I can't put my hair up without hearing
♪ Be a man ♪
Like, what the...
I wear fake eyelashes. Do you understand?
I wear... I glue on hair where there should already be hair, okay?
Guys, I know you'd be late to stuff too
if you had to glue your balls on every day.
Just... [blows] Stressed out, through traffic, like... [blows]
[audience laughing]
But I'm a tired, sleepy woman. I'm tired.
I am single, and I think I want to get married.
I think it's 'cause my parents are still together,
and your parents are your first example of love.
I was raised by strong immigrant parents. They don't mess around.
Divorce is not an option for my immigrant parents.
They came here on the buddy system, for real.
"You can't leave me. I don't know anyone. You literally can't leave me."
[audience laughing]
I love them, though. They're still together. They're married.
-They've been married for 50 years. -[audience cheering]
No, it's not romantic. It's too long. It's too long.
Five-zero, 50 years.
It's concerning at this point. It's too long.
And I'm fascinated by their marriage.
So I asked my mom, "How did you make this last with Dad?"
And she said, "You know, sweetie,
it actually gets easier after so much time,
because you kind of start to lose all feeling."
[audience laughing]
My mother said, "No, don't worry. It's okay. I don't feel anything."
I know it sounds weird, but I want what my parents have.
I do. Okay?
So I'm still looking for that special someone to grow numb with.
If you're out there, papi, I'm looking for you, okay?
My father is a tired man. He's losing it. Fifty years.
I asked him the same thing. He said he has a trick.
He said, when my mom walks by,
he pretends to be asleep.
[audience laughing]
Just for a moment of peace, just for a moment of silence.
I'm like, "Dad, that's what animals do in self-defense. They play dead."
"That's what you do when Mom wants to talk to you? You fall down to the floor?"
I don't get it. Married people, I know you guys have good advice. I've heard it.
Like, date night once a week, or don't go to bed angry.
But my dad is like, "Close your eyes and hold your breath."
"Shut up. Get down. Don't move. She'll hear you. Shut up." It's messed up.
But I wanna meet someone. I do.
I don't want to go on dates anymore.
I can't do a date. No more first dates.
I can't do it. I'm in my thirties. I've done it.
Like, a first date, it's not productive, you know.
Some guy meets me at a bar,
and he tells me stuff about himself I don't care about.
-Like his name. -[audience laughing]
I don't care. I don't care.
I'm 36 years old. I have a bedtime.
And decisions to make. I don't have all night.
You need to give me information that matters to me.
All I need to see is your penis and your paycheck.
That's it. That's it.
-One minute date, guys. One minute. -[audience cheering]
Show them to me before dinner. We'll call it a night, okay?
And show them to me together. Like, so I can...
So I can look and then weigh my options and think about it,
think about the pros and cons of each, you know?
And I want to see everything. I want to see it all.
I want to see the before and the after, the flaccid to the erect,
the gross versus net pay.
-I want to see... -[audience laughing]
...everything you're bringing home to me.
-Are there single, straight women here? -[women cheering]
Are we doing okay? Are we...
I was like, "No, I hate it. I hate it."
It's hard, right? It's scary.
Honestly, like, I'm constantly scared being a single, straight woman,
'cause every time I meet a new man,
I don't know whether I should trust you or fear you.
You guys are like plants in the wild.
Some of you are good for me, but some of you could kill me.
-And you all look the same. -[audience laughing]
I can't tell the good ones from the bad ones.
They all look the same. I can't.
And I can't just google it. I can't just look it up.
Are all Joshuas toxic or can I put this one in my mouth?
[audience laughing]
Like, "Siri, are Trevors safe to swallow? Siri..."
It's just hard. I have been dating around, but I feel stuck.
I always attract the same type of guy.
It's always the same genre of dude.
Always the emotionally unavailable cool guy.
I gotta escape this algorithm.
I can't get out of it. You know how the algorithm works?
These websites, they track what you like and feed you more of the same.
You know when you open up your Netflix,
and you see the suggested shows and you're, like, embarrassed?
You're like, "Who is this for? This is not for me. There's no way."
You're in denial.
You act like your own poor choices had nothing to do with your algorithm.
It's your fault, you know.
You're like, "Where's The Crown? Why can't I find The Crown?"
"I don't see..."
It's like, "You know why? You binge-watched Tiger King."
"That's why you can't..." The Crown's not coming for you, sweetie.
It's not who you are, okay? I'm sorry.
But I...
-Are there single, straight men here? -[audience members cheer]
-Yeah. -Yeah. The confidence.
"Yeah! Yeah, here I am."
Yeah, penis and paycheck. Let's go. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Was that abuse? Sorry. Cut that out. Cut that out. Look, I...
I admire single, straight men. Consider me an ally.
I admire you guys. I support you. I've always been there for you.
I respect you guys because you guys are always expected to make the first move.
And that takes confidence. I could never bring myself to do that.
And you guys DM a lot.
But I know you don't get replies.
So where does this confidence come from? I want to know. Teach me.
I don't get it. I don't understand.
I've asked my guy friends that are single. I always hear the same thing, every time.
It's always the, like... "You gotta shoot your shot."
[audience laughing]
You got a shoot or shoot, shooters.
I don't get it. I don't get why you guys
have this Wayne Gretzky philosophy about your little DMs. I don't get it.
You guys live and die by the quote... The, like...
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." I'm like, "Yeah."
No, that's true, but some of you miss 100% of the shots you do take.
-So just play to win, fellas. -[audience laughing]
I don't know why I'm single. I'm so chill. I don't get it. I don't know.
Okay, I have to go to sleep. I have to go to bed.
But I'll be fine.
Right? I'll be fine. That's my affirmation.
-[audience cheering] -Thank you. Thank you.
I'll meet someone. I'll figure it out. I just...
At this age, all my friends are married, so they worry about me.
They check in on me a lot.
They're like, "Leslie, aren't you scared that you might die alone?"
I'm like, "Dude, I'm an Asian female."
"I don't think we even die."
-[audience laughing and cheering] -Okay? I don't know.
Look how happy we are. I don't know what happens to us.
I think we just shrink and float away, okay?
And I'm excited, okay? All right, I'm done, and I'm Chinese.
Thank you so much. I have to go home.
[audience cheering]
[announcer] Give it up for Vanessa Gonzalez!
[audience cheering]
What up, y'all? Where are my ladies at?
-[women cheering] -Yes. Okay.
I want to start off by saying that I am pro woman, okay?
-[man] Okay. -I'm here for all women.
I'm here for trans women.
I'm here for my LGBTQIAs.
Yes, I'm here for everybody.
I do have a hard time with moms, though.
Sorry. Are there any moms here?
Okay, settle down, ma'am.
You get a whole day in May. Well, half a day.
A brunch, if we're being honest.
But I don't even get a brunch, though.
I've never had a baby. I know I look like I've had a baby...
because none of my jeans have buttons or zippers.
Don't look, sir. My eyes are up here.
Yeah, I've never been pregnant because being pregnant sounds terrifying.
-[woman] Whoo! -Yeah. Okay. We have some survivors.
Okay? Yeah.
Yeah, it sounds so scary. And I'm gonna be real with y'all.
I don't really know what happens when you're pregnant.
-I'm from Texas. -[audience laughing]
Yeah. Where they teach us
that babies and guns come from a meat smoker in heaven. Yeah.
I don't have any sisters. My mom and aunts are fucking liars.
-[audience laughing] -So I can't trust them.
They're always like, "Do it."
"It's nothing."
"We did it. Look at us."
And I'm like, "Y'all are the most traumatized bitches I know."
"Why would I do that?"
And I know what you're thinking. "Just google it."
No, I'm not gonna google
"What happens to your body when you're pregnant?"
-That's gonna fuck up my ads. -[audience laughing]
I don't need that. I have a good algorithm going right now.
Yeah. But one of my friends, one of my best friends,
she's eight months pregnant right now.
She's huge. I've never seen her this big in my life.
So I called her up to get the inside scoop,
and I was like, "Okay, bitch."
"What kind of fucked-up shit is your body doing? Tell me everything."
And she was like, "Uh, you know, my back kinda hurts."
And I was like, "Bitch, my back kinda hurts."
Like, get to the good stuff.
And she goes, "Okay. Let me go to the other room."
And I was like, "Oh, shit."
And I hear her go to the other room.
Close the door, lock, like, ten locks.
She's like, "Are you still there?"
"Okay. It's super fucked up."
"It's so fucked up,
things are happening to me that have never happened to me before."
"And the worst part is I can't see my vagina anymore."
And I was like...
[audience laughing]
"Oh, no."
"I cannot fathom what you are going through."
"It's fucked up."
Y'all, I've never seen my vagina from my own POV.
I didn't think we were supposed to be able to.
I honestly thought that's how you got pink eye.
I hung up on her ass.
I'm like, "Maybe there's some things I shouldn't know."
Yeah. I love not having kids.
-I'm enjoying it. -[man] Whoo!
-Yeah. Thank you. -[man] Yeah.
I live in Austin with my boyfriend.
-I have a boyfriend. Sorry, sir. -[audience laughing]
He was like, "I like no buttons and zippers."
You're nasty, sir.
You're nasty.
No, I'm very independent, though.
I went on an excursion just the other day.
And by excursion,
I mean I walked four blocks to the gas station to buy pads.
It was hot. It was hot.
And while I was walking, I passed this empty parking lot.
In the middle of the parking lot,
there was this big, black bus parked in the middle of it.
And on the side of the bus, in big, red, bloody letters,
it just said "ghost bus."
And there was a guy standing outside of it, counting money,
and he sees me, and from across the parking lot he yells,
"Hey, you want to get on the ghost bus?"
[audience laughing]
And I was like, "What is that?"
"It's America's first mobile haunted house."
-"Why?" -[audience laughing]
"Let me tell you how it works."
"You pay me money, you get on the bus, you sit down,
and then scary people come up to you."
-"That's the regular bus." -[audience laughing]
"That's a scam."
"What are you talking about, sir?"
"That's how I'm getting home."
I thought about it. I was like,
"Damn. That's how bad the housing market is right now."
That the ghosts got to Airbnb their houses, haunt this damn bus.
It was sad. It was sad.
I love spooky shit, though. I love spooky shit.
I love Halloween. Love Halloween.
My main goal this year is to have a good Halloween.
Yes, I have to. I have to,
'cause last year my Halloween fucking sucked.
I thought it was gonna be good. I was invited to a costume party.
I was like, "Hell, yeah." I got a badass costume.
I went as Angela Lansbury in Murder, She Wrote.
Okay? Yeah. If y'all don't know who I'm talking about,
she was a white lady that wrote about murders. Okay?
She solved murders every week
-like it was nothing. -[man] Whoo!
Yeah, most of the time, I think it was her.
I think they should have called it Murder, She Did.
Yeah. If you still don't know who I'm talking about,
she was Mrs. Potts in Beauty and the Beast.
-[audience cheering] -Yes, the original, the original.
Not that Hermione bullshit.
If you still don't know who I'm talking about,
she had short, curly hair, wore a white blazer, and a pencil skirt.
So that's what I wore to the party.
And when I got to the party,
everyone thought I was the lady that killed Tejano superstar Selena.
[audience laughing]
And I was like, um, "I'm Murder, She Wrote."
And they were like, "Yolanda's here."
-[audience laughing] -"Fucking Yolanda, dude."
I was like, "I'm not Yolanda."
I even had a manila folder
with a bunch of papers of the murders that I wrote.
And they're like, "She's got the fan letters."
[audience laughing]
I'm not...
No.
One guy was like, "I'm glad you're here. There's, like, five Selenas in there."
"Get to work."
I was like, "I'm not Yolanda." Hashtag-not-Yolanda.
I would never be Yolanda. I pray to Selena every day.
They were being racist to me, I think.
It was all Mexicans at the party,
but the community turned against me that night.
Thank you all so much. I'm Vanessa Gonzalez.
[audience cheering]
[announcer] Put your hands together for Isiah Kelly!
[audience cheering]
What up, y'all? How y'all doing?
-Doing good? -[audience cheering]
Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.
I'm happy to be here, man. I need this money, all right?
-[audience laughing] -I'm tired of being broke.
Ever be so broke, you got to check your bank account before you order food?
You be at a place you should be able to afford. You grown.
But it ain't your week. That was me and McDonald's.
I went up to the line. The lady was like, "Can I help you?"
-I'm like, "Yeah, let me get, um..." -[audience laughing]
"Shit. Did y'all change the menu in this motherfucker?"
[laughs] I had to get a side-hustle, man. I started doing Uber Eats.
That shit did not last. They fired me in three days.
-I'm eating everybody's shit. -[audience laughing]
Something about somebody else's McDonald's fries.
Them shits just tastes better when they're not yours.
And I'm in the bottom of the bag.
That's where the good salty fries is at, right?
Uber Eats gonna send me an email talking about,
"Mr. Kelly, this is your second warning eating somebody's food."
[audience laughing]
"One more strike, we're gonna have to terminate your contract with Uber Eats."
Fuck it. Let me get this money.
But let me tell y'all how good God is, right?
And if you don't believe in God, listen to my testimony.
Tonight I was doing Uber Eats. I got two strikes.
I got somebody's food in my car.
-I'm about to eat that shit. -[audience laughing]
But I said I'mma man up 'cause I need this money.
-Look how good God is. -[man] Whoo!
As I'm taking this person their food...
God knew I didn't eat today yet, so look at the blessing...
-[audience laughing] -...he gave to me.
I'm taking this person their food and some idiot cut in front of me.
When he cut in front of me,
I hit my brakes so hard, the food fell on the seat.
And you can't deliver damaged food.
-I said, "Look at God." -[audience laughing]
I was fucking them fries up. "Thank you, Jesus."
-Yeah. -[audience cheering]
I'm trying to get in shape.
I knew I was out of shape by certain weed names that caught my attention.
I'm from the Bronx. In my hood, I'm walking up the street.
I'll be ignoring these dudes. One dude got me one day.
I'm walking up the block, like, "My man, I got that weed."
I'm like, "Nah, son. I'm good. I don't smoke."
The next block, "Y'all got that giraffe pussy. I got that sour."
I'm like, "Nah, bro. I'm good. I don't smoke."
The next block, he caught my attention. He was like, "Yo."
-"I got them Girl Scout cookies." -[audience laughing]
I said, "You got the Samoas in the bag?"
-"You got the Do-si-dos in this bitch?" -[audience laughing]
I want to get in shape.
There's a double standard between bigger people and smaller people.
A bigger person and a smaller person could do the same shit.
Who everybody gonna judge? The big motherfucker.
That's fucked up. How much you weigh, bro?
-[man] One-forty. -One-forty.
[audience laughing]
Nigga, I was in the third grade the last time I was 140.
[audience laughing]
You got it good, bro. Enjoy that shit. You in the ones.
I see you. You can fit H&M. Your little fucking H&M outfit. Fuck you!
I can't fit H&M. That shit don't work for me.
H&M on me is more like H and mmm!
Mmm!
At 140, you can do what you want to do.
Double standard. You go to Popeyes tonight.
Walk in Popeyes, get you a suitcase...
filled with chicken.
You 140. Ain't nobody gonna say shit to you.
I come out that same Popeyes eating some lettuce, people looking at me.
"Look at the fat nigga with the lettuce. Look at big boy trying to get healthy."
"Look, look, look. New year, new you, huh?"
You can't do good shit around Black people.
We make fun of you for doing the right shit, right?
You get in the car, put your seatbelt on.
"Look at this motherfucker trying to be safe."
[audience laughing]
"He think he's better than everybody in the car."
That's some bullshit, man.
I found out gay dudes like me.
[man] Whoo!
I'm their type. They like the beard, I guess.
Some of these gay dudes be aggressive.
I was in the mall shopping, this gay dude's in the mall.
Motherfucker's like 6'8".
Big, gay motherfucker.
He's in the World Record book. He's the biggest gay dude out right now.
And he's following me around the mall. Every store I went into, he went into.
And I got nervous. I was like,
"Yo. I might really have to give this nigga my number."
[audience laughing]
But I ain't no... I stood up. And he got an attitude.
He was trying to holler at me. I was ignoring him.
He gonna yell at me? "Hey, yo, my man."
[audience laughing]
"You don't see me trying to talk to you?"
"I mean, that's disrespectful. You know where the fuck you at?"
I'm from the hood. I said, "Yo, bro, who the fuck you talking to?"
"You talking to me?"
He was gangster. He was like, "Yeah, you with the fat ass."
I was like, "Hold on."
"Let me call my Uber and get out of here."
I couldn't really be mad at him, though, 'cause I got my mother's ass, so...
He wasn't lying, but still, he didn't have to tell me that shit.
Any fellas got their mother's ass? Clap it off if you got your mother's ass.
[men cheering]
[laughs]
Just the three of us. We're the only thick motherfuckers in here?
The other dudes don't want to clap. "I ain't got no ass. I'm a grown-ass man."
We've got to step our game up. The ladies is talking about us.
The ladies are saying we can't get it up.
-Well, not we. Y'all. They say... -[audience laughing]
Fellas, clap it up if you got to take that Viagra and Cialis to get your dick up.
Clap it up, fellas.
[audience laughing]
-There's one dude... -[audience laughing]
My dad is here. Dad, clap. You take that Viagra.
Fellas, clap it up if you was ever about to have sex with a lady
and your dick just couldn't get up. You had a bad night.
Clap it up if that ever happened to you.
[audience clapping faintly]
Appreciate that. The rest of you dudes are lying like a motherfucker.
Ask the ladies. Ladies keep it real. They don't give a fuck.
Ladies, clap it up
if you were about to have sex with a dude and he couldn't get it up. Clap it up.
[women cheering]
And if you sitting next to him, blink, blink.
[audience laughing]
That motherfucking dick be like, "No."
"No."
I'm 31. Dick get hard quick.
-How old are you, bro? How old are you? -[man] Twenty-nine.
Twenty-nine. So you already know.
Dick don't waste no time. I went to the doctor.
I thought something was wrong with me. My dick was getting hard for anything.
And I went to the doctor,
and I was like, "Yo, Doc, something might be wrong with me."
"I might have a problem."
And he was like, "No, enjoy that now while you can."
"There's gonna come a time where it don't work like that."
And I was like, "No, something wrong with me."
"Little shit getting me hard." He was like, "What?"
I was like, I was on the phone with this chick one night.
She was like, "You could come over here. I made you some wings."
-I was like, "You made wings tonight?" -[audience laughing]
She was like, "I got cable and Wi-Fi." "You got cable and Wi-Fi?"
[audience laughing]
"Can I bring my PlayStation?"
And, ladies, get you a man that got some money and stay with him.
No matter what he do.
If a man got some money, ladies, and he cheat on you, work it out,
because you don't want to leave a man that got some money
and find you a broke dude that's gonna treat you right.
-You don't want that. -[audience laughing]
You're not gonna get both. That's not how God made us.
All the fellas that cheat, clap it up.
[audience cheering faintly]
That's why y'all in the back, motherfuckers.
[audience laughing]
Relationships is tough, man. It is, man.
And me being from the hood,
I don't like when people come from the hood,
and they get a little money, and they forget where they came from.
I don't like that. Never forget where you came from.
That's my aunt. She finally got her lawsuit money, so...
[audience laughing]
So she thinks she's better than everybody now.
She got mad rules in the house. Too many rules.
We get over there to her new house,
she's like, "Yeah, y'all got to take them shoes off on my carpet."
I was like, "You know what? I understand that."
Then we get to the carpet.
She's like, "Y'all got to take them socks off too."
Right. And I was like, "Bitch, I'm going home. My feet fucked up."
"Ain't nobody about to see my toes today." I wear socks in the pool.
[audience laughing]
I found out I had fucked-up feet in a weird way.
This is how I found out I had fucked-up feet.
-I sent this chick a dick pic, right? -[audience laughing]
Hear me out. This was, like, 2007/2008.
This is when the dick pic era first hit the streets.
And, fellas, times has changed. Don't just send no lady no dick pic.
You know, let her ask for it. Don't just send no dick.
It's gonna be in a group chat. You know what I mean?
[audience laughing]
And I sent this chick a dick... And she asked for it.
She said, "Yo, before we do anything, show me what you're working with."
-And I was like, "Bet." -[audience laughing]
I went to the bathroom, put my foot...
[audience laughing]
...on the tub.
I got the good angle. I mean, that bitch like bam, bam, bam.
I took, like, 100 pictures.
I'm looking at every picture, like, "Yeah, my shit looks strong."
"I'm gonna send the one with the veins. She probably gonna like that one."
And I sent it with confidence.
Five minutes later, she gonna text me back.
-"Are those your feet?" -[audience laughing]
-[man] Damn. -I'm looking at the picture like, "Fuck!"
-"God damn it. I forgot my socks." -[audience laughing]
I text her back, "Nah."
[audience laughing]
"No, those ain't my feet."
She's like, "If that ain't your feet, whose dick is that?
I said, "Nah, that's my dick, but I don't know whose feet that is."
That's my time. My name's Isiah Kelly. Y'all been a great crowd.
[audience cheering]