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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[announcer on TV]
Trevor Wallace! Clap your hands!

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[applause on TV]

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Yo! Are you having one of those, like,
deep-in-thought moments

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before your little comedy special?

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Oh! No! No, I was just--

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Apparently, my old art teacher
started an OnlyFans.

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-Miss Stone?
-Miss Stone.

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00:00:22,314 --> 00:00:23,941
-Yo.
-Trevor! You're on in five.

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Five minutes, guys.
You're gonna crush it.

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-Five minutes!
-Wish I had five minutes with her.

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Does she still have that [gurgling
sound] and that [gurgling sound]?

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Yeah, Dude.
Call me, Mr. Stone

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'cause I'm bricked up
down there.

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00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:36,662
T, two minutes.
Two minutes, okay?

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Two! Two, two, two!
Two minutes!

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That was quick.

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-Maybe three minutes is quick.
-My ex was right.

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T.-Wall, you got an hour.

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Hey, everybody,
just chill the fuck out, man.

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-Do you, Trev.
-He's drunk.

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Scratch out, motherfucker!
You're on now!

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-Now?
-On, now. Yeah! Sit down!

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-Go, go!
-Now? Right before. Geez! What?

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For real!
This happening. now!

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-I need my notebook.
-What the movie?

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Has anybody seen my notes?

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You freaking chill out.

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I'm not smoking on your notes.

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I'm toking on your jokes.

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Ha! You're having a special?
Just like your outfit.

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A special from what?

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Nordstrom rack.

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You should take that
Nordstrom back.

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Did somebody say "rack"?

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-Boobs?
-Tits?

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Those are "woogahs"!

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-You guys done yet?
-Can we find some bitches in here?

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-Respectfully.
-Find God.

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Dude, chill out and hit my vape.

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[Trevor[
I'm coming!

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[whooshing, crashing]

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[static]

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[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,

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go absolutely
insane for...

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Trevor Wallace!

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[loud cheering]

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Let's go, dude.
Why do your hands feel like lotion, dawg?

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What in the fucking top gun is going on,
dude?

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Austin, Texas.
How we feeling tonight, huh?

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[cheering]

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Yes, sir.

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Yes. Dude, it's good to be here, man.

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I knew I wanted to pick this place.

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Texas is a special place, man.

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[whoops, cheers]

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That's enough.
I think it is, uh--

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I love this place.

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So many characters out there.

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I saw this dude.
He had a mask and a mullet.

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And I was like, I feel you gotta
pick a lane, you know, that's a--

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that's a one or the other
scenario right there.

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You can't be like, "I'm scared of Covid--

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But I'm not scared to raw dog
my wife

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in the back of a Ford F-350,
I'll tell you what.

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But it's always good to see my dad.

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So...

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[laughter]

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I knew I wanted
to pick Austin for a special.

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It's a fun city.
It's got a mix of everything, man.

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A lot of characters out here.

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A lot of characters, right?

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Checking in at the hotel, right?

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As we're checking in, this dude
sees me right and his eyes light up.

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And he goes, "Oh, shit.
Trevor Wallace,

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I didn't know
you lived here."

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I don't think dude
knows how hotels work, you know?

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Just no fucking idea, dude.

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And he worked there. What an idiot.

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Dude, what the hell?

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I do think it's beautiful,
but nobody warns you when you,

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you know, come here for the weekend
not to stay at Sixth Street.

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Nobody tells you that.

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Sixth Street is just
a live Grand Theft Auto map.

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It is insane.

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Just scooters and shooters.

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That's all it is.

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[applause]

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You guys clap for that?

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[applause]

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Hell, yeah.
Hit that fun.

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You're all doing drive-bys on the birds,
dude.

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Fuckin' limes and Lugar's, dawg,
out here.

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Birds and Beretta's hugs.

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It's insane. The behavior, dude.

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Today I saw a guy honk at an ambulance.

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I didn't even know
you could do that, dude.

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Where are you at in life

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where you're like, "No,
you shut the fuck up, okay?

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No. All right, enough
with the wee-wee-woos.

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All right?

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We all have our own internal wee-woos.
Go to therapy.

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Figure it out."

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But that's Texas, baby.
You know?

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You guys got guns
and gas stations, brother.

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[cheering]

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You should be proud of it.

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Dude, I went to my first
Buc-ee's the other day.

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[cheering]

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Electric dude.

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You say the word Buc-ee's
three times fast in a mirror,

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you just turn into his stepdad.

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It is electric.

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The whole place just smells
like Mountain Dew and neglect.

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I love that place.

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Everybody watching at home.

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You've never been to Buc-ee's.
You've never been to Texas.

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You've got to go to.
It's so unique, right?

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You can get anything there, dude.
It's one of the only places in the world

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where you can get Copenhagen
and home decor, you know,

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What I love about the home decor
is it's almost wholesome, right?

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Like it's almost sincere, right?

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You start reading it with good intentions,
you know?

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It's like, "Yeah, I love my wife...

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when she shuts the fuck up."

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Some of you guys are like, "Yeah,
I have. that one. It's fire."

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You said you worked there.
Where's that Buc-ee boy at?

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You?
Are you the beaver?

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I don't know.
He got a lot of scrub, dawg.

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You been getting
that beaver working there?

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What's up? All right, all right.

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Why are the bathrooms so clean?

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What the fuck is going on in there?

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The janitor's just coked up.
"Missed a spot. Missed a spot."

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Answer me!

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Why are they so clean?

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-Somebody works it 24/7.
-[Trevor] Huh?

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Somebody works it 24/7.

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Somebody works it 24/7.

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Yeah, that's methamphetamine, dawg.

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Twenty-four hours a day.

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[making machine noises]

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The second you shit,
he pops out of the toilet.

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"I got you. I got you. I got you."

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"I got you. I got you."
You don't need a bidet.

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That's just Enrique.

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I love doing shows in Texas.

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I've been touring a bunch
to get ready for this special.

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I've been all over, man,
and I just got back from the Midwest

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and I feel like we don't
really need that place anymore.

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I don't know about-- Hear me out.

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I was born in Illinois.
Let me talk to my shit.

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But, dude, I was out there, dawg,
and I just saw a flock of Amish.

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Bro. I spent the rest
of my life in California.

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You can't just throw an Amish at me,
not expect me to lose my shit, dude,

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It's like seeing a damn Pokemon out there,
you know?

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Gotta catch them all.

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Do not catch the Amish.

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Highly illegal.

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But you could just get a Duracell
and you'll win, you know?

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I've never seen an Amish live before.

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Dude, it's like seeing your teachers
outside of school.

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You're like one of us shouldn't be here.

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I don't know.

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I didn't know what to do. Right.

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So I did what any stupid
influencer would do.

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I pulled out my phone,
started taking photos of the Amish.

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Right? I start posting these photos
on my Instagram story,

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not thinking anything of it.

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I started getting
all these messages, right.

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Not one, not two, but multiple messages
being like, "Dude, you can't

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take photos of the Amish.

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It's illegal to take photos of the Amish.

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You're not allowed
to take photos of the Amish."

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And I'm looking at these messages

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and I'm like, "Yeah, but how the fuck
would they know? How the fuck?"

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The people with no phones.

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How the fuck would they know, huh?

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What are the pigeons snitching on me?
"Check your Instagram."

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How the fuck would they know?

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They don't have phones. They have polio.

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How the hell would they?

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I don't know.
I didn't do much research on them.

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But, again, they're not gonna see
this special anyways.

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I thought like-- Shit,
but, man, I'm jealous of the Amish.

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They got to figure it out.
No electronics. That's gotta be nice.

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You know, no phone.

189
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Ever try to do a day
without your phone on some wholesome shit?

190
00:08:07,279 --> 00:08:09,573
It gets dark quick, you know?

191
00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,743
Because that's what it is.
When your phone is dead,

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that's the real you right there.

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When your phone is dead, you have to spell
the word "pterodactyl" without using Siri.

194
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That's the real you right there.

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00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:24,463
You ever seen the word
"pterodactyl" typed out?

196
00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:27,174
Dude, that shit looks like
a strong-ass password.

197
00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:28,175
It is insane.

198
00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:32,596
Even Google is like, "You got to wake
up Jeeve's old ass for that shit."

199
00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:37,267
The word "pterodactyl" looks like
Floyd Mayweather trying to spell "potato."

200
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It's a strong--

201
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,652
And he can beat my ass.

202
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:49,029
But I can spell "February."

203
00:08:49,112 --> 00:08:50,530
I can. I can.

204
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,076
I don't like how much I'm on my phone.

205
00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:56,245
Yeah, sure, it's part of my job,
but like I don't like how much.

206
00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:58,038
It's all muscle memory.
That's what it is, right?

207
00:08:58,580 --> 00:08:59,456
It's all muscle memory.

208
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,874
Why we check it.
We don't even tend to check it.

209
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,377
We just check it. We always check
whenever we stop doing anything, right?

210
00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:05,837
Walking, talking, driving.

211
00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:09,508
That's why I hate when you stop
next to a cop at a red light.

212
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,928
Because you've got to act like you
weren't about to go on your phone.

213
00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:13,929
You know?

214
00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:16,807
Because you're just sitting
there like a fucking Sims character.

215
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:17,808
You know?

216
00:09:18,684 --> 00:09:21,228
[laughter, applause]

217
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:25,691
Don't mind me, Officer.

218
00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:27,192
Just ten-and-two, you know?

219
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:35,617
The cops just looking at you like, "This
dude for sure has a gun on him."

220
00:09:37,995 --> 00:09:39,371
Y'all got the right to carry out here.

221
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:40,664
I be forgetting about that shit.

222
00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:44,334
Yeah. Y'all be caring for no reason, dude.

223
00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:47,254
Just 2:00 p.m. at a Whataburger,
just Glocked-up, dude,

224
00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:50,173
"I didn't want pickles!"

225
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:54,469
And the chef's like "You gonna eat
these pickles, brother."

226
00:09:57,139 --> 00:09:58,473
Again. Dude, I'm from California.

227
00:09:58,557 --> 00:09:59,891
I'm not used to this right-to-carry shit.

228
00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:02,352
The only thing that we carry is opinions.

229
00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:03,562
Okay?

230
00:10:09,568 --> 00:10:12,362
I miss playing The Sims growing up.
The Sims talks you a lot about your life.

231
00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:13,280
[women hooting]

232
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:14,239
Right.

233
00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,616
It taught you shit that
nobody else could, right?

234
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:19,244
Like the Sims taught me
how perverted I was for sure.

235
00:10:20,454 --> 00:10:22,914
You knew how horny we were growing up
based on how quick you used

236
00:10:22,998 --> 00:10:24,833
to make your Sims characters fuck,
you know?

237
00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:28,128
They had no furniture,
no roof, no windows.

238
00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,005
They're banging
in a damn trap house.

239
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,508
You were like,
"Now, fuck in the corner!"

240
00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,636
The Sims landlord is still there.

241
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,890
He's like, "Bah bah bah bah bah bah
bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah."

242
00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:40,891
Ha!

243
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,227
"Bah bah bah!"

244
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,273
Fuck-boy Sims.
Dude, they said it couldn't be done.

245
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:51,568
Dude. My landlord's a fuck-boy.

246
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,236
I hate him. I hate my landlord.

247
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,364
I despise him
if he's watching this right now.

248
00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:56,365
Fuck you, dude,

249
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,119
I don't like my landlord.
He's too young, dude,

250
00:11:01,203 --> 00:11:04,414
He's three years older than me.
My landlord is three years older than me.

251
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:05,874
This idiot is 19.

252
00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:08,293
I swear to God, I will beat--

253
00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:11,671
You don't really see
a lot of young landlords out there.

254
00:11:11,755 --> 00:11:13,799
You see them on like Pornhub.

255
00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:17,302
You don't really see a lot of young--
Yeah, dude.

256
00:11:17,386 --> 00:11:18,845
A lot of young landlords on The Hub.

257
00:11:18,929 --> 00:11:19,846
Are you kidding me?

258
00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:22,015
"Stepbro's in Escrow."

259
00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:23,225
Yeah. Okay.

260
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:25,769
Let's see how he gets out of this lease.

261
00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,437
I'll tell ya-- [muffled sound]
it's a quick--

262
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:33,777
I wish my landlord was on Pornhub.

263
00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:36,446
Wouldn't it be the best-case scenario?

264
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:39,574
He's, like, "Trevor, your rent's late."
I'm like, "Is it?"

265
00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:44,788
One, two-- Real quick.

266
00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:48,458
My rent just goes up after that,
you know?

267
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:51,044
Here's the problem,
these young landlords--

268
00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,421
And if you have one,
you can agree to this.

269
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:53,713
These young landlords, they don't care.

270
00:11:53,797 --> 00:11:54,631
They're doing other shit.

271
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,133
They're on their entrepreneur--
Entrepreneur.

272
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,175
They're on their other shit.

273
00:11:57,843 --> 00:11:59,344
They do all these other jobs, right?

274
00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:01,179
Crypto, NFTs, HPVs.

275
00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:02,389
They're doing other shit.

276
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:07,519
Dude, he doesn't care about my problems,
and that's the biggest problem.

277
00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:08,895
I texted him two Mondays ago.

278
00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:11,940
I was like, "Hey, man,
the dishwasher stopped washing."

279
00:12:12,858 --> 00:12:15,569
That's all I said.
I said, "The dishwasher stopped washing."

280
00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:18,780
And he just texted me back
and said, "They do be doing that."

281
00:12:18,864 --> 00:12:20,365
and that was the whole--

282
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:26,413
The whole exchange I shared
with this man-- "They do be doing that."

283
00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:30,625
Yeah, And you do be fixing it.
Carter. Put the fucking vape down

284
00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:35,297
and fix my dishwasher, you idiot!
Okay?

285
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:37,424
Why do I have to pay
my rent on Cash App?

286
00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:39,176
Are you in prison? What is happening?

287
00:12:41,303 --> 00:12:42,512
Why are your texts green?

288
00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:43,555
You have an iPhone.

289
00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:44,556
Where are you?

290
00:12:48,226 --> 00:12:51,188
I should have known a bad lease
when I signed my lease on Snapchat.

291
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,189
That's on me.

292
00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:53,940
That's on me.

293
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:56,234
I didn't put my signature, but like four
of these emojis, like,

294
00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:58,445
"Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah.
Fuck, yeah. Fuck yeah."

295
00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:02,908
[high-pitched squeal]

296
00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:04,534
[laughter]

297
00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:05,452
[woman]
Sorry.

298
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:07,662
You-You-- No, don't
say sorry for laughing.

299
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:10,749
You got that Minnie Mouse--
[high-pitched] Tee-hee! Tee-hee!

300
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:14,294
No, don't. I don't want
to laugh-shame.

301
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,713
[woman] No, it's not laughing,
it's ticks.

302
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:19,132
Oh, you have ticks? I'm so sorry.
I'm not trying to be an asshole.

303
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:23,303
Get her out.
Kidding, kidding, kidding!

304
00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:24,763
I'm kidding.

305
00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:26,973
[laughter]

306
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:30,727
You bring the ticks. I got the tock.
All right, girl!

307
00:13:33,772 --> 00:13:35,941
[cheering]

308
00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:38,568
It's on! Wow!

309
00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,906
The area I live in,
if you're familiar with Los Angeles,

310
00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:44,074
Venice Beach is not great.

311
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,952
This is a perfect scenario
of the neighborhood I live in.

312
00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:50,080
One day my neighbor called me and he goes,
"Hey, don't want to startle you."

313
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,790
A great way to startle me.

314
00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:55,043
Probably the best way to start me, right?
He goes, "Don't want to startle you,

315
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,294
but quick question,

316
00:13:56,378 --> 00:14:00,423
'Do you know the man
out front with the spear?'

317
00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:05,887
I said, "Brian, it is seven
in the morning.

318
00:14:05,971 --> 00:14:07,222
I took melatonin last night.

319
00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:09,182
I don't know what the fuck I am yet."

320
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,309
Dude,
I've been taking melatonin lately.

321
00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:14,521
Everybody tells you how good of a like
the dreams you're going to have, right?

322
00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,690
No. These dreams are terrible.

323
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:18,358
They think you're going to have
the best sleep of your life.

324
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:19,526
No, these dreams are insane.

325
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:21,528
Dude, you're having a dream you're
having your ass eaten by a gargoyle.

326
00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:22,779
Nobody tells you about these dreams.

327
00:14:24,239 --> 00:14:25,782
When you wake up,
"I kind of liked it."

328
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:26,741
All right, cut that part out.

329
00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:29,077
All right... leave it in.

330
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:33,415
All right. So, my neighbor
calls me and he goes,

331
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,208
"Do you know this man
out front with this spear?"

332
00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:38,628
I go. "No, I don't know this
Doodlebop creature, okay?"

333
00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:41,172
And then I sat
and I was thinking about it.

334
00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:42,966
I was like I didn't know
whether to be more shocked,

335
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:45,093
that there was a man
out front with a spear

336
00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:49,889
or the fact that my neighbor
just saw a man with a spear

337
00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:52,726
and was like "Yeah, that looks like
one of Trevor's boys right there.

338
00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:57,480
Let me just get him
on the phone real quick.

339
00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:59,024
See if he knows him."

340
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:01,610
And I do know him.
He's my cocaine guy.

341
00:15:01,693 --> 00:15:07,115
No, I-- Actually don't do cocaine,
which is pretty disrespectful

342
00:15:07,198 --> 00:15:09,075
with a nose this big, you know?

343
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:12,078
You know, what's messed up?
The sides laugh more at that.

344
00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:13,622
Fuck you guys, dude.

345
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:15,707
The front's like,
"What are you talking about?

346
00:15:15,790 --> 00:15:16,875
It's not that bad, is it?"

347
00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:18,376
Da-donk! "Look at that thing!"

348
00:15:19,002 --> 00:15:22,839
"Look at that thing, dude."
I look like the Seahawks logo.

349
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:23,840
I know what it is.

350
00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:28,553
Sometimes I walk outside
and wait for the sun to hit.

351
00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:31,014
I can just see the shadow.
I can just tell the time, dawg.

352
00:15:32,682 --> 00:15:33,808
Time for a nose job.

353
00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:38,521
I talk a lot of shit about my nose
because everything else is perfect.

354
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:41,733
But ever since I've been doing
that nose joke,

355
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,443
I've been starting
to get the same article

356
00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:44,694
in my DMs after shows, right?

357
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:46,905
It's the same-ish headline,
and it's always like,

358
00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:49,491
"Women are more turned on
by men with bigger noses.

359
00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:51,826
now, more than ever before."

360
00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:54,329
And I'm reading this headline

361
00:15:54,704 --> 00:16:00,251
and I'm like, "What big-nose dude
wrote this shit?"

362
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,213
Just pecking away this keyboard.

363
00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:10,261
Ladies, You don't want
Nigel Thornberry in this--

364
00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:13,223
Smashing.

365
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:16,434
You don't want Thornberry.

366
00:16:17,769 --> 00:16:19,646
I don't know where these articles
are coming from,

367
00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:20,814
but that's not what women want.

368
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:28,238
I've never been with a chick and I sneeze
and she's like, "Oh, fuck, do it again.

369
00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:30,949
He used the whole napkin."

370
00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:36,454
A lot of graffiti in this town.

371
00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:39,165
I saw this on the way here.

372
00:16:39,249 --> 00:16:40,165
I can't stop thinking about it.

373
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,460
Somebody in giant red letters
on a brick wall.

374
00:16:42,794 --> 00:16:44,504
Two words they wrote, "Fuck. Love."

375
00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:46,965
Fuck. Love.

376
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:48,007
I was staring at that.

377
00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:53,346
I was like, damn, You know
how bad You got a break...

378
00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:55,765
a gangster's heart...

379
00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:01,146
to make them go
to Michaels arts and crafts.

380
00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:04,691
That's insane, dude.

381
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:09,904
I just imagine him walking in there
like [sobbing]

382
00:17:09,988 --> 00:17:14,075
"They better not be playing any
John Mayer, I swear to God!"

383
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:17,287
He walks in.
The lady is like, "Excuse me, sir.

384
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:18,413
What are you working on today?"

385
00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:20,165
He's like, "What am I working on?"

386
00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:21,082
[sniffles]

387
00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:24,042
My fucking cell, dude.
Fuck love. All right?

388
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:26,212
And fuck that ambulance.
Okay?

389
00:17:27,505 --> 00:17:29,924
Sounds cliche,
but love is tough, right?

390
00:17:30,008 --> 00:17:31,342
You know, I went through a breakup.

391
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:33,052
I talked to my ex
for the first time in ten months.

392
00:17:33,428 --> 00:17:34,429
She called me out of the blue.

393
00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,222
Right. Apparently.
True story.

394
00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:39,225
Apparently,
her apartment complex caught on fire.

395
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:43,605
So...
Look at God.

396
00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:44,606
You know what I'm saying?

397
00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:46,900
Look at God, huh?

398
00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:48,276
[cheering]

399
00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:50,612
Won't he do it.

400
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:52,447
No, I did it.

401
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,115
But the point I'm tryin'--

402
00:17:56,618 --> 00:17:58,787
Yeah, me and the spear man.
Hyah!

403
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:03,166
That's Jeffrey. Had him the whole time.
Dude, he's Amish. I kidnapped him. Okay?

404
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:05,710
How is he going to tell?

405
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:09,881
Shockingly, I am a good times with my ex,
which I'm proud of, right?

406
00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:13,092
I always thought it was awkward
when somebody is bashing their ex to you.

407
00:18:13,176 --> 00:18:14,969
Like you've been on a date
and they're just shit-talking their ex.

408
00:18:15,053 --> 00:18:16,679
You're like,
"Girl, I ain't a fucking therapist.

409
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:17,722
All right?

410
00:18:17,806 --> 00:18:19,682
I'm built like one,
but I'm not a therapist."

411
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,060
This happened me recently.
I was on a date, and this girl

412
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:23,561
couldn't stop bashing this guy.

413
00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:25,688
She was like,
"He was such a piece of shit.

414
00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:27,357
We lived together for four years.

415
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:31,820
All he'd do was wake up at 2:00 p.m.,
smoke weed and play Call of Duty."

416
00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:34,781
Yeah. What a loser.

417
00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:35,782
I don't--

418
00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:40,078
But it on the inside, you're like,
this guy is a fucking legend.

419
00:18:40,161 --> 00:18:44,415
What? What is his gamer tag?

420
00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,583
Jesus Christ.

421
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:49,170
This guy's gonna be
a great stepdad one day.

422
00:18:51,214 --> 00:18:54,634
You know what that joke reminds me of
is the one thing I do miss about Trump.

423
00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:59,639
Relax. The one thing--
The one thing I miss about Trump

424
00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:02,684
is, probably, his shit-talking skills,
right?

425
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:06,312
I miss his shit-talk, Dude,
Trump's shit talking was electric.

426
00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:08,398
Dude, Trump talks shit
like he spent every morning

427
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:11,526
hanging out with thirteen-year-olds
on Xbox Live, you know?

428
00:19:13,403 --> 00:19:14,571
I think he just
had a headset on mute.

429
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:17,156
Just pen and paper.
Just writing shit down.

430
00:19:18,199 --> 00:19:20,034
I didn't even know that was a word.

431
00:19:21,411 --> 00:19:23,663
How do you spell "Ba-dussy"?
How do you?

432
00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:27,792
[imitating Trump]
What a "ba-dussy"!

433
00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:32,088
All right. Moving on
I got nothing bad to say about Joe.

434
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,173
But you just know--

435
00:19:34,257 --> 00:19:38,678
You just know... everything in his pantry
has expired for sure.

436
00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:43,850
You got cream of wheat
from '88 in that bitch.

437
00:19:45,310 --> 00:19:48,521
He probably has the original
Four Lokos in there, you know?

438
00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,694
He's saving a few for Hunter,
you know?

439
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:58,364
"You've been pretty calm this week.
I'll change that. Hyah!"

440
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,286
First of all, if you don't know
what a Four Loko is,

441
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:05,663
congratulations on having
a clean criminal record.

442
00:20:05,747 --> 00:20:06,664
I'll say that.

443
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,669
Dude, I've never felt older in my life
than trying to explain

444
00:20:11,753 --> 00:20:14,005
to a 20-year-old what a Four Loko was.

445
00:20:15,173 --> 00:20:16,591
Because we never had to explain.

446
00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:19,052
It was just an experience
you couldn't even explain, right?

447
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:22,889
He was like, "What was it?"
I was like, "It was alcohol and caffeine."

448
00:20:24,432 --> 00:20:27,685
And then he was like, "Then what?"
I was like, "Nobody knows."

449
00:20:32,482 --> 00:20:35,026
You just wake up the next morning
with a text from your friend,

450
00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:37,278
like, "Dude, you fought a
Walmart greeter."

451
00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:43,159
Again?

452
00:20:44,494 --> 00:20:46,120
Dude, I was playing
Xbox Live during the pandemic.

453
00:20:46,204 --> 00:20:47,622
I hadn't played in, like,
15 years.

454
00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:51,167
I was excited to play Xbox Live,
you know, talk some shit to some kids.

455
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:54,087
You know what I'm saying? Therapy
is getting expensive, right?

456
00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:57,924
So, Texas, what therapy is...

457
00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:06,224
I was excited to talk some shit to these
kids, but I forgot who these kids were.

458
00:21:06,307 --> 00:21:07,850
You know, the first game I hopped on,

459
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:11,062
I'm ready to talk my shit,
waiting for somebody to act up.

460
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:15,108
And all of a sudden this kid sneezes into
his headset. I'm, like, target acquired.

461
00:21:17,068 --> 00:21:19,153
I hit him with the classic,
something I really knew, right?

462
00:21:19,237 --> 00:21:20,071
I hit him with the classic.

463
00:21:20,154 --> 00:21:22,490
I was like, "Shut the hell up
or I'm gonna fuck your mom."

464
00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:25,868
And then it got quiet.

465
00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:30,415
Any then he went, "Oh, yeah?
Then what?"

466
00:21:37,088 --> 00:21:38,464
I don't know. Have her home by eight.

467
00:21:38,548 --> 00:21:39,632
Dude, I don't know.

468
00:21:40,258 --> 00:21:41,634
That's your mom, dude.

469
00:21:42,093 --> 00:21:43,678
She's gonna tuck you in tonight.

470
00:21:44,262 --> 00:21:45,430
I'm trying to spread them legs.

471
00:21:45,513 --> 00:21:46,889
Not that family, okay?

472
00:21:48,891 --> 00:21:51,436
I did live with my ex during the pandemic,
and I think if you live with any

473
00:21:51,519 --> 00:21:54,731
significant other during the pandemic,
you know, you'd argue over anything.

474
00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:55,898
Times were tense.

475
00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:56,983
Argue over anything, right?

476
00:21:57,233 --> 00:21:58,735
Somebody sneeze too loud
and you're like,

477
00:21:58,818 --> 00:22:00,111
"I'll leave this family right now."

478
00:22:01,571 --> 00:22:03,031
She's like, "Trevor.
We don't have a family.

479
00:22:03,114 --> 00:22:05,366
Maybe you fucking stop sneezing.
We would, okay?"

480
00:22:07,744 --> 00:22:09,912
I remember, one time,
the funniest argument we got in,

481
00:22:09,996 --> 00:22:10,913
which now we can laugh about,

482
00:22:10,997 --> 00:22:13,666
the funniest argument we got in
is one time I went up to her and was like,

483
00:22:13,750 --> 00:22:18,129
"Hey, I want to try this position...
sexually,"

484
00:22:18,212 --> 00:22:21,007
and she looked at me
dead in the eyes,

485
00:22:21,090 --> 00:22:23,217
and she goes,
"You've been watching too much porn.

486
00:22:25,094 --> 00:22:27,805
I was like,
"Okay, hot take, all right."

487
00:22:29,390 --> 00:22:32,894
I don't know if you know this, but porn is
the number one streamed form of media,,,

488
00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:35,521
on my phone,

489
00:22:35,605 --> 00:22:38,649
so don't-- don't come at me.

490
00:22:38,733 --> 00:22:41,360
Dude, this is pandemic time.
Everybody's porn intake was up, right?

491
00:22:41,736 --> 00:22:43,321
Remember that month when porn up
just dropped a month

492
00:22:43,404 --> 00:22:44,989
of free premium porn on all of us?

493
00:22:45,573 --> 00:22:46,407
[man]
Whoo!

494
00:22:46,491 --> 00:22:47,533
Oh, 20% of the room?

495
00:22:47,617 --> 00:22:48,576
Yeah, okay.

496
00:22:49,535 --> 00:22:50,870
Every dude is next to their girlfriend,

497
00:22:50,953 --> 00:22:52,288
like, "I do not remember that month.

498
00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:53,289
I do not remember.

499
00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:55,833
I don't remember the last time I smiled."

500
00:22:58,086 --> 00:23:00,755
Dude, that was the Lord's stimulus check
right there, dude.

501
00:23:02,632 --> 00:23:05,134
That was the Big Dog upstairs
being like, "$1200?

502
00:23:05,218 --> 00:23:08,429
That's cute. Here's Lisa Ann
in 8K. Figure it out."

503
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:11,974
She's stuck in a dishwasher.

504
00:23:12,058 --> 00:23:13,309
Here comes the landlord.

505
00:23:16,521 --> 00:23:17,522
Pandemic times, right?

506
00:23:17,605 --> 00:23:18,815
You know, you're watching too much porn

507
00:23:19,023 --> 00:23:21,776
when every letter
on your keyboard was dangerous.

508
00:23:21,859 --> 00:23:22,777
You know?

509
00:23:27,198 --> 00:23:31,202
Right? Like, every dude's biggest fear
is that his girlfriend's phone dies

510
00:23:31,494 --> 00:23:32,870
and she's like, "Babe,
can I borrow your phone?

511
00:23:32,954 --> 00:23:34,330
I just want to Google
the nearest Panera Bread."

512
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:36,624
You're like, "Anywhere but Panera,
please. I don't.

513
00:23:38,167 --> 00:23:40,253
Just hit the space mark
before you do anything.

514
00:23:41,003 --> 00:23:42,547
Fuck. I'll cook. I'll cook. I'll cook."

515
00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:45,258
I was down bad
during the pandemic.

516
00:23:45,341 --> 00:23:47,844
I was responding to
like instagram bots and shit.

517
00:23:50,263 --> 00:23:52,932
Because every time I post a video,
they're the first to comment, right?

518
00:23:53,015 --> 00:23:54,392
Desperate. They're the first to comment.

519
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,020
And they'd be, like, "Lol.
So hot, So sexy, so funny."

520
00:24:00,314 --> 00:24:02,150
I'll just be, like, "You mean it?

521
00:24:04,402 --> 00:24:08,281
Be for real girl. Or Russian hacker.
Whoever you are.

522
00:24:09,699 --> 00:24:11,617
I'll tell you what,
man, I do think I was watching

523
00:24:11,701 --> 00:24:14,036
a lot of porn during that time,
and I knew I was because

524
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:15,496
it was the same time that I was moving.

525
00:24:15,621 --> 00:24:18,541
So, I was on so much Pornhub
and so much Zillow.

526
00:24:20,209 --> 00:24:22,753
that the two websites
just started to blend.

527
00:24:23,671 --> 00:24:28,843
And I don't know what was what.
I was on Zillow bricked-up, dawg.

528
00:24:30,344 --> 00:24:32,138
I'm reading these headlines like crazy.

529
00:24:32,221 --> 00:24:37,643
My shirt's coming off, dude. it's like,
"This two-bedroom beauty won't last."

530
00:24:38,978 --> 00:24:43,399
I don't think I will either, dude.
It's got a two-car garage.

531
00:24:43,482 --> 00:24:44,901
I can park my nose in it.

532
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:52,867
So, I'm banned from Zillow.

533
00:24:57,997 --> 00:24:59,081
But that started an argument.

534
00:24:59,165 --> 00:25:00,875
The fact that I said I wanted
to try this position, right?

535
00:25:00,958 --> 00:25:03,085
But, then, the next day,
the sweetheart of a lady, she is.

536
00:25:03,211 --> 00:25:05,379
She came up to me.
She goes, "Hey, sorry, about yesterday,

537
00:25:05,713 --> 00:25:07,131
but guess who's been watching porn?"

538
00:25:08,132 --> 00:25:11,260
I was like, "Hopefully, you or else this
is a weird story, you know?"

539
00:25:12,053 --> 00:25:15,097
And she goes, "Yeah, I have. Now,
I want to try something with you."

540
00:25:15,181 --> 00:25:18,684
And I'm like, [speaks foreign language]
Lean in, girl, what do we doing?

541
00:25:19,644 --> 00:25:21,854
What are we doing?
Let's ball this blast!

542
00:25:21,938 --> 00:25:22,855
What are we doing?

543
00:25:24,398 --> 00:25:25,983
I'll shut down Zillow right now.

544
00:25:26,067 --> 00:25:29,487
Okay, I got a 2:30 showing.
Don't mess with me.

545
00:25:29,570 --> 00:25:30,488
I will go.

546
00:25:31,614 --> 00:25:33,783
And she goes, "I saw something really hot,
and I want to try it with you."

547
00:25:33,866 --> 00:25:34,825
I go, "Okay. What is it?"

548
00:25:34,909 --> 00:25:36,160
She goes, "First things first.

549
00:25:36,244 --> 00:25:37,286
I'm gonna get out of the vibrator."

550
00:25:37,370 --> 00:25:39,830
I go, "Well, I'm not looking good
for your boy, okay?

551
00:25:39,914 --> 00:25:41,040
I don't--

552
00:25:41,457 --> 00:25:44,085
Not really trying to be backup QB
tonight, you know?

553
00:25:44,794 --> 00:25:47,171
Hut! Hut! Psych!
I'm out of here, dude.

554
00:25:47,838 --> 00:25:49,507
She goes, "No, it's a whole thing.
It's a whole thing

555
00:25:49,590 --> 00:25:50,424
that I want to
be involved with you."

556
00:25:50,508 --> 00:25:51,342
And I go, "Okay, what is it?"

557
00:25:51,425 --> 00:25:53,469
She goes, "I'm gonna use
a vibrator on myself. Right?

558
00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:55,680
Then I want you, Trevor,
go right next to the vibrator--

559
00:25:55,930 --> 00:25:58,266
Go right next to the vibrator,
do a little lickety-lickety."

560
00:25:58,349 --> 00:26:00,518
And I was like, "All right,
Yeah, that checks out."

561
00:26:01,310 --> 00:26:02,979
And, now, all 1200
of you are looking at me.

562
00:26:03,062 --> 00:26:05,439
"I don't think that does.
I don't think that does."

563
00:26:05,523 --> 00:26:06,691
What the hell do I know?

564
00:26:06,774 --> 00:26:07,942
I get hard to housing websites.

565
00:26:08,025 --> 00:26:09,151
I don't know these things.

566
00:26:10,361 --> 00:26:13,572
Dude, I went right next to the vibrator,
and after being next to this thing--

567
00:26:13,656 --> 00:26:18,452
[making vibrating sounds]

568
00:26:18,536 --> 00:26:20,705
After being next to this thing
about five seconds,

569
00:26:20,788 --> 00:26:24,125
and just slowly giving
myself second-hand CTE--

570
00:26:24,208 --> 00:26:27,086
[making vibrating sound]

571
00:26:27,169 --> 00:26:30,715
Dude, I realize I'm not doing shit
next to this thing, okay?

572
00:26:31,507 --> 00:26:35,052
I mean, this vibrator was going so fast,
you could froth a Frappuccino down there.

573
00:26:39,056 --> 00:26:41,142
Meanwhile, I was next to it,
giving it my all,

574
00:26:41,225 --> 00:26:43,060
just looking like
the damn Tootsie Pop Owl.

575
00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:48,482
[imitating Tootsie Pop Owl]
A one! A two!

576
00:26:48,566 --> 00:26:52,445
A three! Four!

577
00:26:52,528 --> 00:26:55,072
[applause]

578
00:26:59,076 --> 00:27:00,786
Dude, I left the room at one point.

579
00:27:00,870 --> 00:27:02,246
She had no idea I was gone.

580
00:27:09,045 --> 00:27:10,087
I walked back in the room.

581
00:27:10,171 --> 00:27:13,090
I was like, "Fuck, dude,
robots are taking our jobs."

582
00:27:15,217 --> 00:27:17,053
My ex had a little bit of a stutter.

583
00:27:18,471 --> 00:27:20,348
She still does, but I--

584
00:27:21,349 --> 00:27:22,975
I don't know, dude.
I like dating a girl with a stutter.

585
00:27:23,059 --> 00:27:24,477
I thought it was cute.
I thought it was wholesome.

586
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:26,479
It was fun. You know, also,
like dating a girl with stutter

587
00:27:26,562 --> 00:27:28,189
'cause I would, like,
never lose an argument.

588
00:27:28,272 --> 00:27:29,398
Hear me out. That's insane.

589
00:27:29,482 --> 00:27:31,567
Okay, that's fucked up, all right.

590
00:27:32,276 --> 00:27:34,236
You've got to understand. It's not
like I was looking for the stutter.

591
00:27:34,570 --> 00:27:36,280
Okay, It's not like I'd run in the room
and kick her shins,

592
00:27:36,364 --> 00:27:38,157
"Pronounce Saturday!"
And then just run out.

593
00:27:39,950 --> 00:27:42,453
"Now, 'pterodactyl! Hyah!

594
00:27:42,578 --> 00:27:44,830
The reality of the stutter
is it wasn't every word.

595
00:27:44,914 --> 00:27:46,290
Sit down. The reality of the stutter.

596
00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:49,043
It wasn't every word.
It was only when she was, like,

597
00:27:49,126 --> 00:27:51,545
really mad or upset with me,
which was daily.

598
00:27:51,629 --> 00:27:52,880
And I just think that I--

599
00:27:52,963 --> 00:27:55,174
I'm too immature to hear
and not say anything, all right?

600
00:27:55,257 --> 00:27:57,510
So, she'd be yelling at me. She's like,
"All you care about is yourself.

601
00:27:57,635 --> 00:27:58,677
You're so conceited.

602
00:27:58,803 --> 00:28:00,679
You're honestly just being such a
[stuttering] da-da-da da-da"--

603
00:28:00,763 --> 00:28:04,558
And, then, I would just be, like,
"Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do!"

604
00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:10,314
[stuttering continues]

605
00:28:10,398 --> 00:28:13,192
Drop the bass.
[imitates synth bass]

606
00:28:13,275 --> 00:28:16,404
Dude, bottle-service girls
started coming out and shit.

607
00:28:17,113 --> 00:28:20,449
Steve Aoki kicked in the door,
caked in the face.

608
00:28:20,950 --> 00:28:23,744
The Kia Soul hamsters pulled up.
Whoa!

609
00:28:24,537 --> 00:28:27,039
"We're on so much Molly
right now!"

610
00:28:27,540 --> 00:28:29,500
Why are we giving hamsters Molly?

611
00:28:30,459 --> 00:28:32,837
Answer me!
No. Why don't we--

612
00:28:33,504 --> 00:28:36,507
And I know that sounds like a messed-up
joke, partially. because it is.

613
00:28:36,590 --> 00:28:37,967
But she didn't care.

614
00:28:38,050 --> 00:28:40,136
She heard that joke a bunch
because for her, It was funnier

615
00:28:40,219 --> 00:28:42,012
to watch media with her stutter
than for her to have it.

616
00:28:42,096 --> 00:28:45,391
She was used to it. It would throw me
off at random time, so I'd forget it.

617
00:28:45,474 --> 00:28:48,185
Like every time we ever did the sex...
which was a lot.

618
00:28:48,269 --> 00:28:50,396
It was an average amount.
But...

619
00:28:51,147 --> 00:28:52,481
I would just forget, right?

620
00:28:52,565 --> 00:28:55,109
So, every time we're making
that sweet love...

621
00:28:55,985 --> 00:28:58,529
I just never knew
if she was having an orgasm.

622
00:29:00,239 --> 00:29:01,365
[woman squeals]

623
00:29:01,907 --> 00:29:05,286
Or just trying to say the word O'Reilly's.

624
00:29:09,331 --> 00:29:12,209
So I'd just be putting
in that work, you know?

625
00:29:12,293 --> 00:29:18,549
And she'd be, like, [moaning]
Oh-Oh-Oh O'Reilly's

626
00:29:18,632 --> 00:29:19,800
auto parts!

627
00:29:19,884 --> 00:29:21,719
Ow!

628
00:29:21,802 --> 00:29:25,097
[cheering]

629
00:29:30,436 --> 00:29:31,687
Yeah.

630
00:29:31,770 --> 00:29:35,858
Thank you. That's a joke for anybody
who doesn't have Spotify Premium. So...

631
00:29:41,113 --> 00:29:41,989
So now I'm dating.

632
00:29:42,072 --> 00:29:43,407
I'll be honest.
I'll be very vulnerable to you guys.

633
00:29:43,491 --> 00:29:45,659
I feel like I've been bombing
a lot of dates lately, right?

634
00:29:45,743 --> 00:29:47,161
Because it's a first date, right?

635
00:29:47,244 --> 00:29:48,787
You know, it's I think
what it is on the first date

636
00:29:48,871 --> 00:29:51,123
is you can feel that moment
where somebody loses interest, right?

637
00:29:51,415 --> 00:29:53,584
It's a big shift in energy
when somebody loses interest, right?

638
00:29:53,667 --> 00:29:59,131
"I have a husband." Whatever it is.
Right? But you don't have a daddy.

639
00:29:59,215 --> 00:30:00,216
You can feel--

640
00:30:03,177 --> 00:30:04,595
that first date energy, right?

641
00:30:04,678 --> 00:30:06,972
It's really hit or miss, dude, you know?

642
00:30:07,556 --> 00:30:09,683
And I feel like, whatever,
when things aren't going well,

643
00:30:09,767 --> 00:30:11,268
like things are going south.
I tend to panic

644
00:30:11,352 --> 00:30:12,853
and I only know
how to, like, cope with comedy,

645
00:30:12,937 --> 00:30:15,648
which is never the answer,
but it's more fun, you know?

646
00:30:16,106 --> 00:30:18,234
This girl recently,
she was telling me about her family,

647
00:30:18,317 --> 00:30:22,196
and she's, like,
"Yeah, my dad sells blinds."

648
00:30:22,780 --> 00:30:24,990
And I was, like, "The people?"
And you would have thought--

649
00:30:26,992 --> 00:30:29,537
On stage, not a bad joke.
Let's be honest.

650
00:30:30,496 --> 00:30:33,290
At the Olive Garden,
not so much, dude,

651
00:30:33,374 --> 00:30:36,252
I was no longer family
after that shit,

652
00:30:36,335 --> 00:30:39,255
and everybody's family
at the Olive Garden.

653
00:30:40,297 --> 00:30:42,383
I think what it is,
it's that first date in energy.

654
00:30:42,466 --> 00:30:43,759
You're going to say something stupid.

655
00:30:43,842 --> 00:30:44,802
It's inevitable, right?

656
00:30:45,052 --> 00:30:47,555
One time, on the date this girl told me,
she goes, "I love to read.

657
00:30:47,638 --> 00:30:50,057
I can read really fast
and I can read really good."

658
00:30:51,475 --> 00:30:54,728
I was like, Is this a quote from Ricky
Bobby? What are you saying to me?

659
00:30:55,771 --> 00:30:58,857
What in the shake and bake is going on?

660
00:30:58,941 --> 00:31:01,527
The full quote, she said,
she goes, "I love to read.

661
00:31:01,610 --> 00:31:03,904
I can read really fast
and I can read really good.

662
00:31:03,988 --> 00:31:08,409
The only problem is, every time I read,
I can never remember what I just read."

663
00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:12,204
I was like, "Well, that's not reading."

664
00:31:12,288 --> 00:31:16,709
Okay, you're lookin' at books,
but you're not reading anything.

665
00:31:17,334 --> 00:31:19,044
I picture her just like
running through a library.

666
00:31:19,128 --> 00:31:20,879
Like, "I'm learning so much right now!"

667
00:31:22,631 --> 00:31:24,425
Just slams the dictionary on her forehead.

668
00:31:24,508 --> 00:31:26,093
"Pterodactyl!" Keeps running.

669
00:31:28,262 --> 00:31:30,180
This might be a hot take,
but I think it's harder to date

670
00:31:30,264 --> 00:31:32,057
in 2023 as a man
than it is a woman.

671
00:31:32,141 --> 00:31:33,642
-Whoa!
-[man screams]

672
00:31:33,726 --> 00:31:34,810
That guy's never had sex.

673
00:31:34,893 --> 00:31:37,354
That was crazy.

674
00:31:37,438 --> 00:31:39,064
[applause]

675
00:31:42,484 --> 00:31:45,863
Either that or that dude
has been ghosted religiously, dawg.

676
00:31:45,946 --> 00:31:47,239
He had the Holy Spirit in there.

677
00:31:47,323 --> 00:31:48,824
Whoo!

678
00:31:51,493 --> 00:31:52,411
Damn, bro.

679
00:31:53,746 --> 00:31:56,665
Betterhelp.com.
promo code: sauce.

680
00:32:02,463 --> 00:32:03,922
I only think it's harder
to date now as a man

681
00:32:04,006 --> 00:32:05,841
because there's more turnoffs
in men than there ever has.

682
00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:07,676
With all these red flags
and these ick-lists

683
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:09,345
and all these weird things
get turned off by.

684
00:32:09,428 --> 00:32:11,013
They don't even make sense anymore, right?

685
00:32:11,138 --> 00:32:13,182
I think a turnoff now
is different than a turnoff,

686
00:32:13,265 --> 00:32:14,850
like, five years ago, right?

687
00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:16,560
Like five years ago,
a turnoff in a man

688
00:32:16,644 --> 00:32:20,022
would be like he has two ankle
monitors and maybe another family.

689
00:32:21,482 --> 00:32:24,526
But even there's some girls in this crowd
that are, like, "I do love a family man."

690
00:32:26,487 --> 00:32:28,989
And he's on house arrest,
so he can't leave and cheat, you know?

691
00:32:29,948 --> 00:32:32,660
But like now, a turnoff is so
specific, they don't even make sense.

692
00:32:32,743 --> 00:32:36,288
They're random. It's, like, one time I saw
him drink a water bottle with two hands.

693
00:32:36,372 --> 00:32:38,082
What type of pussy shit?

694
00:32:39,792 --> 00:32:43,128
You can't hold a Dasani, Derek,
you can't hold me, all right?

695
00:32:43,212 --> 00:32:44,713
It don't make sense.

696
00:32:44,797 --> 00:32:48,008
It's like one time she sees you
use a blinker to turn into your driveway

697
00:32:48,092 --> 00:32:52,054
and she's like, "Aw, get me out
of this car! You live in a cul-de-sac!"

698
00:32:52,137 --> 00:32:53,263
Kevin, what is happening?

699
00:32:54,390 --> 00:32:56,975
Who are you blinking to? Other women
you want to have sex with?

700
00:32:59,436 --> 00:33:01,897
And, then, you're just--
you're disgusted by us.

701
00:33:01,980 --> 00:33:03,941
You ghost us.
We have no idea what happens.

702
00:33:04,024 --> 00:33:05,275
And we just get "got."

703
00:33:05,943 --> 00:33:09,947
I recently got "got."
I was on a date,

704
00:33:10,030 --> 00:33:13,492
and I was just, like,
"Yeah, I just love carrot cake."

705
00:33:13,575 --> 00:33:16,704
And she was like,
"What did you just say to me?"

706
00:33:20,874 --> 00:33:25,963
The whole restaurant turned. Even
the blind dude is like, "You fucked up."

707
00:33:27,798 --> 00:33:29,341
And, then, I looked at the blind dude,
and I'm like,

708
00:33:29,425 --> 00:33:33,095
"I'm over here, you know?"
Still blind.

709
00:33:33,178 --> 00:33:35,764
You know?
Dude, that's a true story.

710
00:33:35,848 --> 00:33:36,807
I ordered carrot cake.

711
00:33:36,890 --> 00:33:38,183
Let's be honest,
there couldn't be a more

712
00:33:38,267 --> 00:33:40,018
carrot-cake-looking
son-of-a-bitch than your boy.

713
00:33:40,102 --> 00:33:44,606
All right? Look like my safety word is
"cream cheese." Okay?

714
00:33:46,567 --> 00:33:49,570
I ordered carrot cake,
and she goes, "Oh, I thought

715
00:33:49,653 --> 00:33:51,655
you would have just ordered
something manlier."

716
00:33:53,699 --> 00:33:55,868
Yeah, my date was Joe Rogan.
Should have said that.

717
00:33:55,951 --> 00:33:56,952
But--

718
00:33:59,872 --> 00:34:01,331
I was so confused by that comment.

719
00:34:01,415 --> 00:34:04,293
Like, how do you make
dessert manly? What?

720
00:34:04,376 --> 00:34:07,755
Yeah. Just put some Nutella on
your knuckles and crack me in the face.

721
00:34:08,589 --> 00:34:11,132
Low-calorie, high-impact,
you know?

722
00:34:11,842 --> 00:34:13,677
Also, she saw me
walk into the restaurant.

723
00:34:13,761 --> 00:34:15,012
There's no way she looked at me
and thought

724
00:34:15,094 --> 00:34:16,638
that I would do
something like manly, right?

725
00:34:16,722 --> 00:34:18,098
Like, I'm built like
a Go-Gert.

726
00:34:18,181 --> 00:34:19,475
I don't know what to tell you.

727
00:34:21,226 --> 00:34:23,312
Too much laughter.
Fuck you all, dude.

728
00:34:23,395 --> 00:34:25,481
[laughter]

729
00:34:27,190 --> 00:34:29,650
I was so thrown off by the comment,
"I thought you'd order something manly,"

730
00:34:29,735 --> 00:34:32,112
because, like, it's dessert, right?

731
00:34:32,196 --> 00:34:34,406
It's dessert. I thought that was
the one part of the meal

732
00:34:34,489 --> 00:34:36,867
you could be a little, you know.
I thought that was--

733
00:34:38,284 --> 00:34:39,203
It's dessert.

734
00:34:39,286 --> 00:34:40,496
Put a cake pop in my ass.

735
00:34:40,579 --> 00:34:41,663
Who gives a shit?

736
00:34:44,333 --> 00:34:48,670
I do think it's partially my fault
that she said that because when the waiter

737
00:34:48,754 --> 00:34:51,924
put the dessert menu down,
I went, "Ooh, carrot cake!" And you can't.

738
00:34:55,092 --> 00:34:57,304
You've got to leave the spirit fingers
back home, fellas.

739
00:34:58,096 --> 00:34:59,348
You gotta holster those bad boys.

740
00:34:59,431 --> 00:35:02,434
You wait till you get back
to your Miata for, "Carrot cake!"

741
00:35:03,143 --> 00:35:06,522
The guy next to you in the Silverado
is like, "Red Velvet!"

742
00:35:06,980 --> 00:35:09,191
Start making out.

743
00:35:13,695 --> 00:35:15,906
To be very honest
because I had some red flags at her,

744
00:35:15,989 --> 00:35:17,157
but I didn't even think
about it, all right?

745
00:35:17,241 --> 00:35:19,910
Like I should have known
that we weren't going to be compatible

746
00:35:19,993 --> 00:35:25,123
the second I heard her
pronounce the "L" in "salmon."

747
00:35:25,207 --> 00:35:28,293
"Sal-mon"?
No, I went to third grade, okay.

748
00:35:28,961 --> 00:35:30,712
I may have went twice,
but I still went.

749
00:35:30,796 --> 00:35:31,713
All right?

750
00:35:32,089 --> 00:35:35,509
You want me to date "Sal-mon Sara"?
No, we're not doing this, okay?

751
00:35:35,592 --> 00:35:36,927
It's "salmon," right?

752
00:35:37,970 --> 00:35:40,222
The waiter was walking by
and she lunges out.

753
00:35:40,305 --> 00:35:41,431
She's like, "Excuse me, sir.

754
00:35:41,515 --> 00:35:43,684
How's your guy's sal-mon?"

755
00:35:44,601 --> 00:35:49,064
Never seen a waiter burn-out before,
right? But this dude comes to a halt.

756
00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:51,316
He looks up from his notepad
and he looks at her,

757
00:35:51,650 --> 00:35:55,654
takes a second and then looks to me
and then looks right back at her

758
00:35:56,488 --> 00:35:59,908
and I'm, like, "Hell, yeah, dude,
The waiter is on my team."

759
00:35:59,992 --> 00:36:00,909
Okay?

760
00:36:01,577 --> 00:36:03,871
He has dealt with a speech
impediment before, right?

761
00:36:04,496 --> 00:36:05,789
And he had, he clearly had.

762
00:36:05,914 --> 00:36:06,874
He's a legend, right?

763
00:36:07,666 --> 00:36:11,920
He goes, "Miss, uh, ha,
our salmon, [clears throat]

764
00:36:16,884 --> 00:36:18,093
our salmon--

765
00:36:18,719 --> 00:36:22,097
Sorry, there's something in my
[clears throat] salmon in my throat.

766
00:36:22,180 --> 00:36:24,224
Our salmon is fantastic.

767
00:36:24,433 --> 00:36:28,186
People love our salmon on yelp."
And then he took two steps,

768
00:36:28,270 --> 00:36:29,730
looked at me and said,
"Watch this," and said, "Salmon."

769
00:36:29,813 --> 00:36:31,273
Threw it at her one more time, right?

770
00:36:32,524 --> 00:36:34,192
And I swear to you,
the girl I'm with goes,

771
00:36:34,276 --> 00:36:36,361
"Perfect. Sal-mon it is."

772
00:36:37,821 --> 00:36:39,990
And she looks at me
and she goes, "What do you think?"

773
00:36:40,073 --> 00:36:42,200
And at this point,
the restaurant's in a damn uproar.

774
00:36:42,284 --> 00:36:45,454
Okay? People are flipping tables,
dude.

775
00:36:45,829 --> 00:36:48,206
The fish are stabbing themselves.

776
00:36:49,666 --> 00:36:51,793
The blind dude just got up and walked out.

777
00:36:51,877 --> 00:36:52,794
No cane.

778
00:36:54,838 --> 00:36:57,799
I had to repeat the question to myself
to make sure I wasn't losing my mind.

779
00:36:57,883 --> 00:37:00,636
I was like, "'What do I think?'
To be very honest with you right now,

780
00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:03,263
you're a very nice lady,
but this is where we draw the line.

781
00:37:04,139 --> 00:37:08,727
I think that I... would love a shot
at possibly getting laid tonight.

782
00:37:08,810 --> 00:37:11,188
So, I too will have the Salman.
Yeah!"

783
00:37:12,606 --> 00:37:15,776
You guys got any Mer-lot back there,
by chance?

784
00:37:17,194 --> 00:37:20,197
No Mer-lot? Cham-pag-ne it is, baby!

785
00:37:21,490 --> 00:37:27,079
I'm feeling bou-gie tonight, you know?
Bring out the fil-et mig-nons!

786
00:37:28,789 --> 00:37:33,043
Oh, put the credit card down, honey.
This is on Papa's recei-p-t tonight!

787
00:37:34,836 --> 00:37:37,381
Eating like a damn
"p-terodactyl."

788
00:37:41,134 --> 00:37:42,844
Yeah, I mean, I love
a good like dinner date,

789
00:37:42,928 --> 00:37:43,971
but like, honestly,
there's nothing better

790
00:37:44,054 --> 00:37:46,264
than just, like, Taco Bell
alone in your car.

791
00:37:46,348 --> 00:37:48,141
[hooting]

792
00:37:48,225 --> 00:37:49,351
It's the best.

793
00:37:49,434 --> 00:37:50,268
You know what I love is--

794
00:37:50,352 --> 00:37:51,645
[man]
Whoo!

795
00:37:52,771 --> 00:37:56,274
Still hasn't had sex,
but... fucked chalupa.

796
00:37:56,358 --> 00:37:57,734
All right. What I love--

797
00:37:59,486 --> 00:38:00,487
Talk about alone, man.

798
00:38:00,570 --> 00:38:01,488
Just, you know what I love about
Taco--

799
00:38:01,571 --> 00:38:02,864
They don't ask any questions.

800
00:38:02,948 --> 00:38:05,325
No, dude, In-n-Out
been asking questions lately.

801
00:38:05,742 --> 00:38:06,576
Is this for the car?

802
00:38:06,660 --> 00:38:08,161
Is this to go? Is this for home?

803
00:38:08,245 --> 00:38:11,039
Shut the hell up.
You have a canoe on your head, okay?

804
00:38:11,665 --> 00:38:13,458
I'll be asking the questions today.

805
00:38:15,669 --> 00:38:16,628
I was having Taco Bell
the other night,

806
00:38:16,712 --> 00:38:18,088
and I was looking
at the hot sauce packets.

807
00:38:18,171 --> 00:38:20,048
I don't know about you guys,
but don't you feel like the writing

808
00:38:20,132 --> 00:38:23,427
on the on the hot sauce packets
isn't as like edgy as it used to be?

809
00:38:23,802 --> 00:38:24,761
It used to be so cool.

810
00:38:24,845 --> 00:38:27,639
It used to be wild. It used to be
one word away from a Kanye tweet.

811
00:38:27,723 --> 00:38:28,640
It was insane.

812
00:38:30,142 --> 00:38:33,770
But I just miss when you just grab
a random packet and you read it

813
00:38:33,895 --> 00:38:36,773
and be like, "The only thing hotter
than this sauce is your chlamydia."

814
00:38:36,857 --> 00:38:37,983
Oh, sh--

815
00:38:41,611 --> 00:38:44,072
And that was just on the mild packet,
you know?

816
00:38:46,116 --> 00:38:49,828
The Diablo Sauce was
just a QR code to "Two Girls, One Cup."

817
00:38:58,420 --> 00:39:00,213
You guys thought you forgot
about that video, didn't you?

818
00:39:02,716 --> 00:39:04,134
A question for the ladies.

819
00:39:04,217 --> 00:39:07,095
[women scream]

820
00:39:07,471 --> 00:39:09,389
Ladies. How do you feel
about the "Three Date Rule"?

821
00:39:09,473 --> 00:39:11,558
You gotta go on three dates with man
before you sleep with him.

822
00:39:11,641 --> 00:39:13,977
-[woman] No!
-DM me. All right. I don't--

823
00:39:15,020 --> 00:39:17,105
[applause, laughter]

824
00:39:17,189 --> 00:39:19,232
I just put the mic down and leave.

825
00:39:21,485 --> 00:39:22,694
No, but it's very common.

826
00:39:22,778 --> 00:39:24,362
You've all heard of that.
You go on three days with a man

827
00:39:24,446 --> 00:39:27,032
to make sure they're not like
a serial killer or, like, drive a Subaru.

828
00:39:27,115 --> 00:39:28,909
Like all the qualifiers.

829
00:39:29,659 --> 00:39:32,162
I'll get to y'all later,
"Suby-gang."

830
00:39:32,621 --> 00:39:34,998
You go on three dates, right, before.
You kind of feel them out.

831
00:39:35,082 --> 00:39:36,458
That's a good amount of time, right?

832
00:39:36,792 --> 00:39:39,503
But the funny part is, guys,
we're so confident.

833
00:39:39,586 --> 00:39:41,588
We think it will happen on any date.

834
00:39:41,671 --> 00:39:44,382
You know, like it doesn't
matter where we take you.

835
00:39:44,466 --> 00:39:46,176
We could take you to a Topgolf
and be like,

836
00:39:46,259 --> 00:39:49,012
"Wait till she sees this seven iron,
you know?"

837
00:39:51,098 --> 00:39:53,725
"195. Not even my own club.
Yeah, okay."

838
00:39:55,018 --> 00:39:56,895
But in reality,
it's not our say, right?

839
00:39:56,978 --> 00:39:59,689
What every date is, essentially,
what every night is,

840
00:39:59,773 --> 00:40:02,067
is just like a woman
holding a tennis ball, right?

841
00:40:02,150 --> 00:40:04,361
just like a woman holding a tennis ball.

842
00:40:04,444 --> 00:40:06,071
And we're just a dog that's just like--

843
00:40:11,743 --> 00:40:13,411
Are you gonna fucking
throw that thing, lady?

844
00:40:14,371 --> 00:40:17,165
And, ladies, you're like
"Ha! Is this what you wanted?

845
00:40:17,249 --> 00:40:18,750
Is this what you wanted tonight?

846
00:40:18,834 --> 00:40:21,711
We're like, "Fucking yeah! Throw
the goddamn ball! Jesus Christ!"

847
00:40:21,795 --> 00:40:23,130
It's like,
"Okay, I'm gonna throw it tonight.

848
00:40:23,213 --> 00:40:25,966
Ready? Three, two, one."
[grunts]

849
00:40:26,383 --> 00:40:28,260
"Fucking psych!
It's right here!

850
00:40:28,343 --> 00:40:30,929
It's right here, you idiot!"

851
00:40:33,181 --> 00:40:35,392
But we already went taking off, right?

852
00:40:35,475 --> 00:40:38,395
We're like, "Whoa!"
[voice trailing off]

853
00:40:39,688 --> 00:40:41,106
"You didn't throw it?

854
00:40:42,983 --> 00:40:44,234
That's crazy.

855
00:40:44,317 --> 00:40:46,945
That's crazy
you didn't throw the ball.

856
00:40:47,028 --> 00:40:47,863
Split the check.

857
00:40:47,946 --> 00:40:48,864
That's crazy.

858
00:40:51,116 --> 00:40:52,409
Nothing that's ever happened.

859
00:40:54,661 --> 00:40:55,662
I am doing all right.

860
00:40:55,745 --> 00:40:58,081
You know, it took a little bit
to get back after the relationship.

861
00:40:58,165 --> 00:41:01,209
I'm doing all right. You know, I recently
hooked up with a girl with scoliosis.

862
00:41:01,293 --> 00:41:03,086
Turn up. I--

863
00:41:04,004 --> 00:41:07,507
First date, she was like, "Scoliosis."
I was, like, "Word I'm a Capricorn."

864
00:41:10,010 --> 00:41:10,927
Compatible.

865
00:41:15,140 --> 00:41:16,892
She told me on the first date
she had scoliosis,

866
00:41:16,975 --> 00:41:18,685
but we didn't hook up
until the fifth date.

867
00:41:18,768 --> 00:41:20,645
Tennis ball was full, you know.

868
00:41:22,063 --> 00:41:24,191
But that next morning
when we did hook up. She stayed over.

869
00:41:24,274 --> 00:41:28,028
The next morning, she rolls over to me
and she's rubbing her lower back.

870
00:41:28,862 --> 00:41:30,822
And she's, like, "Oh my, God, Trevor.

871
00:41:31,781 --> 00:41:34,284
My lower back is killing me."

872
00:41:35,285 --> 00:41:38,830
And I'm so dumb. I'm like,
"Fuck yeah, it is."

873
00:41:38,914 --> 00:41:41,124
[laughter]

874
00:41:45,337 --> 00:41:48,340
"How long has that shit been hurtin'?
Since, like, midnight, girl?"

875
00:41:49,007 --> 00:41:50,675
And she was like "Eight years."

876
00:41:50,759 --> 00:41:54,846
I was like, "Shit. What was his name?"
Jesus Christ.

877
00:42:01,061 --> 00:42:02,812
It is very funny
how insecure guys are

878
00:42:02,896 --> 00:42:04,648
that we, like,
look for a compliment

879
00:42:04,731 --> 00:42:05,815
even if you don't give us one.

880
00:42:05,899 --> 00:42:07,859
Like, ladies, you do anything different
after a hookup,

881
00:42:07,943 --> 00:42:10,403
we'll find a way to
revert it back to us.

882
00:42:10,487 --> 00:42:11,404
Like after a hookup,

883
00:42:11,488 --> 00:42:13,240
you could just be sitting
on the bed and you sneeze.

884
00:42:13,323 --> 00:42:18,870
We'll be like, "Just say it.

885
00:42:20,622 --> 00:42:22,374
Just say it.
You allergic to that dope dick, girl?

886
00:42:22,457 --> 00:42:23,375
Just say it!"

887
00:42:25,377 --> 00:42:26,920
And she's like, "No, pollen."

888
00:42:27,003 --> 00:42:28,672
"Who the hell is 'Colin'?
Who the hell?

889
00:42:29,547 --> 00:42:31,716
Is that the guy that hurt your back,
dude?"

890
00:42:33,593 --> 00:42:35,595
I don't know.
We're all dumb. All guys are dumb.

891
00:42:35,679 --> 00:42:37,973
You know, I used to think an IUD
was an insurance company.

892
00:42:38,056 --> 00:42:39,224
I don't know these things.

893
00:42:40,183 --> 00:42:41,601
She's like,
"You don't need a condom. IUD."

894
00:42:41,685 --> 00:42:43,228
I was like, "Kaiser Permanente."

895
00:42:43,353 --> 00:42:45,730
You know? Are they hiring?

896
00:42:48,483 --> 00:42:51,403
I did see on Snapchat News--
So, you know, it's real--

897
00:42:51,486 --> 00:42:55,573
I did see on Snapchat news that they are
coming out with male birth control.

898
00:42:55,657 --> 00:42:56,908
Dude, freaking turn up.

899
00:42:56,992 --> 00:42:59,786
[hooting]

900
00:43:00,870 --> 00:43:02,080
I'm excited for male birth control.

901
00:43:02,163 --> 00:43:03,290
Notice how he didn't
"whoo" on that.

902
00:43:03,373 --> 00:43:05,166
Hasn't had sex. All right?

903
00:43:05,250 --> 00:43:06,793
Kidding. Kidding.

904
00:43:09,170 --> 00:43:10,422
I'm excited for male birth control.

905
00:43:10,505 --> 00:43:11,673
One for the science, definitely.

906
00:43:11,798 --> 00:43:13,341
I'm also excited for male birth control

907
00:43:13,425 --> 00:43:16,469
so I can, finally, for once,
be the bad bitch at the restaurant

908
00:43:16,553 --> 00:43:18,763
whose birth control alarm
is always going off.

909
00:43:20,390 --> 00:43:21,975
Yeah. Every girl in here
has a girl in that group.

910
00:43:22,058 --> 00:43:23,852
There's always 8:00 p.m. going off.

911
00:43:23,935 --> 00:43:25,770
Awesome, Kim Possible shit, okay?

912
00:43:26,938 --> 00:43:28,690
She knows
when to take her birth control.

913
00:43:28,773 --> 00:43:32,193
All she wants to do is just flex
on a room of idiots that she be fucking.

914
00:43:32,277 --> 00:43:33,194
That's all it is.

915
00:43:34,070 --> 00:43:35,947
Everybody in a thirty-yard radius
hears it,

916
00:43:36,031 --> 00:43:38,116
and they get let in on
that you do the sax.

917
00:43:39,451 --> 00:43:43,997
And you don't think dudes aren't going
to take advantage of that shit?

918
00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:47,208
Bro, Buffalo Wild Wings
at 9:00 p.m.

919
00:43:48,043 --> 00:43:51,046
is gonna be going off, dude.

920
00:43:51,129 --> 00:43:52,881
And I'm not using
no basic Apple alarm, dude,

921
00:43:52,964 --> 00:43:55,759
I'm gonna have a custom one
going off every four minutes, dude.

922
00:43:55,842 --> 00:43:58,178
it's gonna be, like,
Ooh! [screams] you know?

923
00:44:01,681 --> 00:44:06,561
I'm down with the sickness, dude,
Every guy was like, "Was that me or you?

924
00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:08,938
Was that me or you?
Was that me or you?"

925
00:44:09,022 --> 00:44:10,523
Naw, mine's bodies hit the floor.

926
00:44:10,607 --> 00:44:12,108
Nice, dude, nice.

927
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:17,989
Nice. Can I borrow a two-dollar bill?
I need to go snort my BC, dawg.

928
00:44:18,615 --> 00:44:19,741
It kicks in faster.

929
00:44:23,870 --> 00:44:25,830
I don't know a lot of stuff
about medical stuff.

930
00:44:25,914 --> 00:44:27,749
I hate the doctor.
I have a beef with my doctor.

931
00:44:27,832 --> 00:44:30,001
Fuck my doctor
if you're watching this too.

932
00:44:30,085 --> 00:44:31,252
That's for you, dawg.

933
00:44:33,380 --> 00:44:36,508
Here's why I got to beef with my doctor
is one time my doctor told me, he goes.

934
00:44:36,591 --> 00:44:39,969
"I don't know how to tell you this, Trev,
but you have a smaller pee hole

935
00:44:42,138 --> 00:44:43,306
than the average man.

936
00:44:45,642 --> 00:44:47,644
I said, "Run that back,
Goldstein. Run that back.

937
00:44:49,062 --> 00:44:50,313
What did you just say to me?"

938
00:44:50,939 --> 00:44:51,815
He goes, "Nothing to be alarmed about.

939
00:44:51,898 --> 00:44:54,109
You just have a slightly smaller pee hole
than the average man."

940
00:44:54,192 --> 00:44:55,110
I was like, "Cool.

941
00:44:55,777 --> 00:44:56,820
But what the fuck...

942
00:44:57,821 --> 00:44:59,906
does this have to do with me
getting reading glasses?

943
00:44:59,989 --> 00:45:01,032
What is this?

944
00:45:02,867 --> 00:45:04,202
Also, we're at Costco.

945
00:45:04,285 --> 00:45:05,578
Can I pull my pants up now?

946
00:45:10,750 --> 00:45:12,502
It's not a sample. Get out of there."

947
00:45:13,962 --> 00:45:15,880
I don't know what it is,
but when you get out of a relationship,

948
00:45:15,964 --> 00:45:18,425
the one person that comes
to your forefront with dating advice

949
00:45:18,508 --> 00:45:21,136
is your one friend who's been single
for like fourteen years.

950
00:45:22,595 --> 00:45:23,638
I don't know why that is, right?

951
00:45:23,721 --> 00:45:25,849
That guy in my life
is one of my best friends, Jaxon.

952
00:45:25,932 --> 00:45:29,644
Right, Jaxon, But he spells it
with an "X." "Jaxon." Yep.

953
00:45:30,061 --> 00:45:32,772
Whatever you're picturing
right now, that's him.

954
00:45:32,856 --> 00:45:37,068
Add a puka shell necklace,
you got him, dude.

955
00:45:37,986 --> 00:45:41,239
Looks like he was voted most likely
to vape at a funeral type of vibe.

956
00:45:42,991 --> 00:45:45,743
And he did.
At my grandpa's, dude. It was sick, dawg.

957
00:45:45,827 --> 00:45:49,205
We released the dove,
he released an "O." It was epic.

958
00:45:50,081 --> 00:45:52,250
It just smelled like Cinnabon
the whole funeral.

959
00:45:53,251 --> 00:45:56,463
Even my grandpa was like,
"Hold up! Let me hit that shit."

960
00:45:56,546 --> 00:45:58,673
But he was trying to give me
all this dating advice.

961
00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:00,884
He's like, "Dude, you're gonna be
in your head on these dates

962
00:46:00,967 --> 00:46:03,344
because you're gonna be comparing who
you're going to date with your ex, right?

963
00:46:03,428 --> 00:46:04,554
So, I got a life hack for you.

964
00:46:04,637 --> 00:46:05,680
Don't drink beforehand.

965
00:46:05,763 --> 00:46:06,764
Don't smoke beforehand."

966
00:46:06,931 --> 00:46:09,642
Drinking before a date I get
but smoking before a date.

967
00:46:09,726 --> 00:46:11,227
That's insane.

968
00:46:11,728 --> 00:46:13,021
Just sitting there high as hell.

969
00:46:13,104 --> 00:46:14,522
Haven't said a word in eight minutes.

970
00:46:18,776 --> 00:46:21,196
Just airdropping
my thoughts to a breadstick.

971
00:46:25,074 --> 00:46:27,911
Passed her a note that says,
"Am I blinking too loud?"

972
00:46:31,873 --> 00:46:33,041
Dude, I've never been good with weed.

973
00:46:33,124 --> 00:46:34,334
The first time I ever bought weed,

974
00:46:34,417 --> 00:46:37,045
I was in eighth grade on 4/20.
Legend. Thank you.

975
00:46:37,128 --> 00:46:40,673
I was in eighth grade
on 4/20 I bought a gram.

976
00:46:40,757 --> 00:46:44,010
And it just turned out to be a gram...
of oregano.

977
00:46:44,886 --> 00:46:45,970
But, dude, I ain't no bitch.

978
00:46:46,054 --> 00:46:48,389
I smoke that shit dry, dude.

979
00:46:48,473 --> 00:46:50,016
I smoked a gram of oregano, right?

980
00:46:50,099 --> 00:46:52,602
And all my friends were looking at me
like, "Dude, how do you feel?"

981
00:46:53,436 --> 00:46:56,356
I was like "Italian," you know?
I was fucking--

982
00:46:58,316 --> 00:47:01,528
I was off the gabagool,
you know what I'm saying?

983
00:47:01,736 --> 00:47:03,696
So I go,
"What? Just show up to the date.

984
00:47:03,780 --> 00:47:04,906
Don't drink. Don't smoke. Easy."

985
00:47:04,989 --> 00:47:05,990
And he goes, "Nah, life hack."

986
00:47:06,074 --> 00:47:09,410
First of all, anytime a dude
wearing double puka shell necklaces

987
00:47:10,078 --> 00:47:11,329
says he has a life hack,

988
00:47:11,412 --> 00:47:12,956
he doesn't, okay?

989
00:47:13,456 --> 00:47:16,125
This idiot tried to Snapple it
at best, right?

990
00:47:16,209 --> 00:47:17,961
He goes right before the date,
to get out of your head,

991
00:47:18,044 --> 00:47:20,338
the best advice for you,
right before the date--

992
00:47:20,421 --> 00:47:22,674
Right before-- His words, not mine--

993
00:47:22,799 --> 00:47:24,300
He goes, "You gotta rub one out."

994
00:47:25,343 --> 00:47:29,472
You gotta rub one out.
And that is the worst advice

995
00:47:30,765 --> 00:47:33,226
you could give anybody, not just dudes.

996
00:47:33,560 --> 00:47:39,482
Rubbing one out before a first date
is like winning the lottery on the way...

997
00:47:39,607 --> 00:47:41,276
to a job interview.

998
00:47:51,244 --> 00:47:54,539
[cheering]

999
00:47:55,957 --> 00:47:57,792
'Cause, I mean,
you're just sitting there like...

1000
00:47:57,875 --> 00:47:59,919
[groans] Ah-ha.

1001
00:48:02,589 --> 00:48:05,383
I don't really need this shit anymore.

1002
00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:09,554
I'm-a work from home tonight.
So...

1003
00:48:11,472 --> 00:48:14,100
Dude, that's real shit.
I smoked oregano. I had no idea.

1004
00:48:14,475 --> 00:48:15,643
I don't know what it was
about my hometown,

1005
00:48:15,727 --> 00:48:17,395
but we were always trying
to get high on anything

1006
00:48:17,478 --> 00:48:19,439
but actual drugs that check out.

1007
00:48:20,732 --> 00:48:21,608
Was that just a California thing?

1008
00:48:21,691 --> 00:48:23,109
Were you guys doing out here? Right?

1009
00:48:23,192 --> 00:48:24,152
[man]
Whoo!

1010
00:48:24,235 --> 00:48:25,737
All right. There we go.

1011
00:48:25,945 --> 00:48:27,697
What were you smoking on?
Fleshlights?

1012
00:48:30,908 --> 00:48:31,951
Dude, funny enough, right?

1013
00:48:32,035 --> 00:48:33,786
The first time I ever tried
to get real messed up on something

1014
00:48:33,870 --> 00:48:35,455
I was in seventh grade

1015
00:48:35,538 --> 00:48:38,833
and I tried to get high
by taking nine Advil.

1016
00:48:38,916 --> 00:48:41,753
Seventh grade. Nine Advil.
Dude, nothing even happened.

1017
00:48:41,836 --> 00:48:44,505
I just didn't have a headache
for, like, four years.

1018
00:48:46,215 --> 00:48:47,216
My friends were like,
"How do you feel?"

1019
00:48:47,300 --> 00:48:49,385
I was, like,
"Relieved, I guess. I don't--"

1020
00:48:50,219 --> 00:48:52,764
Dude, my cousin tried to pitch me
on whippets, right?

1021
00:48:52,847 --> 00:48:53,848
But the way he told me
about it was, like,

1022
00:48:53,931 --> 00:48:56,809
very like sales pitchy, right,
which I thought was interesting.

1023
00:48:56,893 --> 00:48:59,062
He's like, "Dude,
do you ever want to get real messed up?

1024
00:48:59,145 --> 00:49:00,897
You ever want to get real messed up?

1025
00:49:00,980 --> 00:49:04,108
All you need is a can of whipped cream.

1026
00:49:04,192 --> 00:49:05,860
All you need is a can of whipped cream.

1027
00:49:05,943 --> 00:49:08,363
It's the quickest, fastest high.

1028
00:49:08,446 --> 00:49:11,491
Plus, it doesn't show up on drug tests."

1029
00:49:13,242 --> 00:49:16,037
I was like, "Cool, I'm eleven,
so, I don't I don't know...

1030
00:49:17,330 --> 00:49:20,333
what drug tests are running
at the hopscotch courts,,,

1031
00:49:21,292 --> 00:49:22,669
but I think I'll be all right.

1032
00:49:23,878 --> 00:49:25,213
And then I remember that, right?

1033
00:49:25,296 --> 00:49:27,090
All you need is a can
of whipped cream, right?

1034
00:49:27,173 --> 00:49:28,883
And I remember one night
I got really pissed off at my dad

1035
00:49:28,966 --> 00:49:30,426
because me and my dad
beefed a lot growing up

1036
00:49:30,510 --> 00:49:32,011
because he had dumb-ass
punishments for me.

1037
00:49:32,095 --> 00:49:33,554
Right? He had weird punishments.

1038
00:49:33,638 --> 00:49:34,722
Maybe guys had this shit out here.

1039
00:49:34,806 --> 00:49:36,391
But to punish me
instead of like hitting me

1040
00:49:36,474 --> 00:49:38,017
or charging money
or put soap in my mouth,

1041
00:49:38,101 --> 00:49:39,268
my dad used to do petty shit.

1042
00:49:39,352 --> 00:49:41,396
When my dad used to get mad at me
for a punishment,

1043
00:49:41,479 --> 00:49:43,773
he would take my bedroom door off.

1044
00:49:45,650 --> 00:49:47,610
Yeah. He would turn my room
into a Jeep.

1045
00:49:47,694 --> 00:49:48,820
This son-of-a-bitch.

1046
00:49:52,115 --> 00:49:54,075
Then he would walk away with the door

1047
00:49:54,158 --> 00:49:58,204
and just throw up the Jeep.
"Wrangle this, pussy! Ha-ha!"

1048
00:50:01,249 --> 00:50:02,917
You guys know Jeep owners
have a wave, right?

1049
00:50:03,876 --> 00:50:06,921
I think every car should have a wave
that would make these streets

1050
00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:09,924
so much more fun, you know,
to give every car a wave.

1051
00:50:10,007 --> 00:50:11,134
You could look for it.
It'd be so much fun.

1052
00:50:11,217 --> 00:50:12,343
Be a great game, right?

1053
00:50:12,427 --> 00:50:14,887
Like two Chevy Camaros
fly past each other.

1054
00:50:14,971 --> 00:50:18,641
They both just hold up divorce papers.
That'd be sick!

1055
00:50:20,309 --> 00:50:22,395
Dude, two Subarus pass each other,

1056
00:50:22,478 --> 00:50:23,896
they hit him with the handshake.
They fuckin'-- [groans]

1057
00:50:23,980 --> 00:50:25,648
Just a quick one. Hey!

1058
00:50:26,357 --> 00:50:27,817
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

1059
00:50:28,609 --> 00:50:30,528
Don't get your Patagonia's in a bunch.

1060
00:50:33,740 --> 00:50:35,908
So, my dad took my door off,
so, to retaliate.

1061
00:50:36,117 --> 00:50:37,744
I went downstairs
and I was like, "You know what?

1062
00:50:37,827 --> 00:50:40,455
Whippet Wednesday. Let's go!"

1063
00:50:40,538 --> 00:50:42,832
It was Saturday,
but let me have this, right?

1064
00:50:44,417 --> 00:50:45,960
I'm holding this can
of whipped cream, right?

1065
00:50:46,043 --> 00:50:47,462
About to do my first whippet.
I said that out loud,

1066
00:50:47,545 --> 00:50:49,881
"I'm about to do a whippet."
Said it to my cat and, um--

1067
00:50:51,215 --> 00:50:53,760
My cat's like, "Meow, I don't know
what the fuck's going on, dude.

1068
00:50:53,843 --> 00:50:55,845
I got nine lives. You don't.
Fuck around to find out."

1069
00:50:57,054 --> 00:50:58,306
And I did. I did find out.

1070
00:50:58,389 --> 00:51:01,809
I'm sitting there, fired up,
ready to do my first whippet.

1071
00:51:02,018 --> 00:51:03,519
And I was holding this can
of whipped cream,

1072
00:51:04,312 --> 00:51:09,400
I realize he never told me how to do 'em.

1073
00:51:11,652 --> 00:51:14,489
So, I just sat there and ate...

1074
00:51:17,909 --> 00:51:19,744
an entire can of whipped cream.

1075
00:51:20,745 --> 00:51:21,579
But, dude, I was eleven.

1076
00:51:21,662 --> 00:51:23,623
I had no idea. I was sitting there
with all these high hopes.

1077
00:51:23,706 --> 00:51:25,792
Like any minute now, dude!

1078
00:51:29,003 --> 00:51:32,715
And, then, four hours later,
I was just shitting my brains out.

1079
00:51:33,925 --> 00:51:35,384
Finally worked.

1080
00:51:36,511 --> 00:51:39,138
You ever do so many whippets,
you find out you're lactose intolerant.

1081
00:51:39,222 --> 00:51:40,139
You ever do that?

1082
00:51:42,391 --> 00:51:43,518
I didn't know that
wasn't how you weren't

1083
00:51:43,601 --> 00:51:44,769
supposed to do whippets
for, like, five years.

1084
00:51:44,852 --> 00:51:46,562
So, that's just what I thought
It was, right?

1085
00:51:47,146 --> 00:51:50,358
It's like every Thanksgiving I walk
downstairs and I just hear my mom makin',

1086
00:51:50,441 --> 00:51:52,276
you know, some pumpkin pie,
and I would hear that Reddi-wip.

1087
00:51:52,360 --> 00:51:53,486
[makes rattling sound]

1088
00:51:53,569 --> 00:51:54,946
I come scurrying downstairs.

1089
00:51:55,029 --> 00:51:56,072
Oh, shit, girl.

1090
00:51:57,114 --> 00:51:58,199
Turn up, Cheryl!

1091
00:51:58,282 --> 00:52:01,702
Jesus Christ, I didn't know.
We were getting after it. BRB.

1092
00:52:01,786 --> 00:52:04,789
I'll grab the oregano, girl.
Let's go, shorty.

1093
00:52:05,581 --> 00:52:06,999
Let's go, dude.

1094
00:52:09,168 --> 00:52:11,921
I don't do this story much,

1095
00:52:12,004 --> 00:52:14,131
but my dad is here tonight.

1096
00:52:14,215 --> 00:52:15,258
Dad, Where you at?

1097
00:52:15,341 --> 00:52:16,968
-[applause]
-Yes, sir.

1098
00:52:18,469 --> 00:52:21,681
Damn! They got you
in the G.A. fucking poor, dude.

1099
00:52:25,518 --> 00:52:28,646
There he is.
All right.

1100
00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:30,648
Now dim the lights.
I'm gonna tell the most embarrassing story

1101
00:52:30,731 --> 00:52:31,983
this man has ever told me in his life.

1102
00:52:35,194 --> 00:52:39,615
I think I'm pretty fortunate that I've got
a birds-and-the-bees talk growing up.

1103
00:52:39,699 --> 00:52:41,701
I don't think a lot of people
are getting that anymore, right?

1104
00:52:41,784 --> 00:52:43,411
Clap if you got a birds-and-bees talk.

1105
00:52:43,494 --> 00:52:44,871
[scattering applause]

1106
00:52:44,954 --> 00:52:46,414
Yeah, that's like twelve percent.

1107
00:52:46,914 --> 00:52:49,584
The rest of parents are like, "Go behind
the Buc-ee's and open your eyes.

1108
00:52:49,667 --> 00:52:50,751
You'll see.

1109
00:52:51,294 --> 00:52:54,839
Yep, those bathrooms
ain't so clean anymore, okay?"

1110
00:52:58,217 --> 00:53:00,678
I think the birds-and-the-bees talk
is kind of done, you know,

1111
00:53:00,761 --> 00:53:02,805
because I think teenagers
know more about sex

1112
00:53:02,889 --> 00:53:04,932
because of the Internet
than adults do, like legit--

1113
00:53:05,016 --> 00:53:08,185
Imagine trying to sit your son down
right now and you're like,

1114
00:53:08,269 --> 00:53:10,021
"So, when a man loves a woman"--

1115
00:53:10,104 --> 00:53:11,731
And he's like,
"What's all this love bullshit?

1116
00:53:11,814 --> 00:53:13,065
What are you talking about?

1117
00:53:13,941 --> 00:53:15,234
Don't you mean when the pizza boy

1118
00:53:15,318 --> 00:53:17,486
finds out she doesn't have
enough money for the pizza?

1119
00:53:17,570 --> 00:53:19,196
Don't you mean--

1120
00:53:20,364 --> 00:53:21,949
And she wants extra ranch.

1121
00:53:23,701 --> 00:53:25,745
It's not a DiGiorno, it's a porno.

1122
00:53:27,038 --> 00:53:28,998
Write that down.
Uh...

1123
00:53:29,332 --> 00:53:30,541
There's nobody back there.

1124
00:53:31,626 --> 00:53:32,710
But, dude, this is a true story.

1125
00:53:32,793 --> 00:53:35,963
You can ask him after the fucking show
how much of a psychopath he is, dude.

1126
00:53:37,006 --> 00:53:39,634
My dad proposed to my mom
with a foil wedding ring after six months,

1127
00:53:39,717 --> 00:53:41,886
and if that doesn't let you know
what part of Ohio he's from,

1128
00:53:41,969 --> 00:53:42,887
I don't know what does.

1129
00:53:43,721 --> 00:53:45,973
But I love the fuck out of him, right?
I love him. And I love my mom.

1130
00:53:46,057 --> 00:53:47,350
They're both here tonight, right?

1131
00:53:47,433 --> 00:53:48,768
[cheering]

1132
00:53:48,893 --> 00:53:49,810
Yes.

1133
00:53:53,773 --> 00:53:55,691
I think they did
a phenomenal job raising me,

1134
00:53:55,775 --> 00:53:58,152
but I would say 99.999.

1135
00:53:58,235 --> 00:54:00,696
This birds-and-the bees shit
is fucked up, okay?

1136
00:54:00,780 --> 00:54:02,239
How my dad told me
about the birds and the bees.

1137
00:54:02,323 --> 00:54:04,158
True story. He goes.
"Okay, Trevor"--

1138
00:54:04,241 --> 00:54:05,576
First of all,
he told me two weeks ago.

1139
00:54:05,660 --> 00:54:06,911
He goes, "First of all,

1140
00:54:06,994 --> 00:54:08,120
[laughter]

1141
00:54:08,204 --> 00:54:09,246
"Okay, Trevor.

1142
00:54:09,330 --> 00:54:12,124
So, your mother has a garage"--

1143
00:54:14,585 --> 00:54:16,796
The second said, I was like,
"I don't think dudes ever had sex before."

1144
00:54:16,879 --> 00:54:17,713
You know?

1145
00:54:19,840 --> 00:54:22,510
"Your mother has a garage"--
And then he doubles down

1146
00:54:22,593 --> 00:54:26,222
and he goes, "I, your father,
have a limousine."

1147
00:54:30,226 --> 00:54:31,352
A limousine.

1148
00:54:31,769 --> 00:54:32,979
[applause]

1149
00:54:33,062 --> 00:54:33,938
No, don't clap for that.

1150
00:54:34,021 --> 00:54:35,731
He'll whip it out, dude.
He'll fucking--

1151
00:54:35,815 --> 00:54:38,150
[screaming, cheering]

1152
00:54:38,234 --> 00:54:39,986
No! No!

1153
00:54:41,946 --> 00:54:44,198
Dude, that is insane, right?

1154
00:54:44,281 --> 00:54:46,409
A limousine. Dude, the fact
we didn't immediately call

1155
00:54:46,492 --> 00:54:48,703
Child Protective Services is wild to me.

1156
00:54:49,870 --> 00:54:52,748
Also, like, why did he feel the need
to flex on me for that right?

1157
00:54:53,749 --> 00:54:56,043
Like I'm not half him. Like,
I can't just look down my waistband

1158
00:54:56,127 --> 00:54:57,378
and be like, "I don't know
about that, Chief.

1159
00:54:57,461 --> 00:54:58,379
I don't know."

1160
00:54:58,921 --> 00:55:00,673
That ain't no limousine.
That's a Toyota Sienna.

1161
00:55:00,756 --> 00:55:03,217
My guy, that is a Toyota.

1162
00:55:04,468 --> 00:55:06,470
Third row folded down.

1163
00:55:07,722 --> 00:55:08,889
But do you know how weird

1164
00:55:08,973 --> 00:55:11,809
that made it for me growing up,
that that was in my brain.

1165
00:55:12,351 --> 00:55:13,644
It ruined my life, right?

1166
00:55:13,853 --> 00:55:15,146
Prom came around, right?

1167
00:55:15,229 --> 00:55:17,982
All my friends were like,
"Yo, Trev, Prom's coming up.

1168
00:55:18,065 --> 00:55:19,817
Trying to pitch in on a limousine.
You want in on this?"

1169
00:55:19,900 --> 00:55:23,362
I'm like, "Yo, you leave my dad
out of the shit, dude.

1170
00:55:23,446 --> 00:55:25,406
I will walk, okay?"

1171
00:55:27,575 --> 00:55:28,701
[woman]
Love you, Trevor!

1172
00:55:28,784 --> 00:55:29,702
I love you, too.

1173
00:55:31,078 --> 00:55:32,163
You, too, DM me.

1174
00:55:32,246 --> 00:55:33,164
I think--

1175
00:55:34,790 --> 00:55:36,167
[woman, indistinct]

1176
00:55:39,086 --> 00:55:39,920
Dad, show her the limo.

1177
00:55:40,004 --> 00:55:42,298
No, don't do that! Don't do that!
Don't do that!

1178
00:55:44,675 --> 00:55:46,510
I've had a lot of fun tonight,
but I want to get serious.

1179
00:55:46,594 --> 00:55:48,554
This last portion
get serious with you guys.

1180
00:55:48,637 --> 00:55:49,638
I want to get serious.

1181
00:55:50,097 --> 00:55:52,808
We've talked about a lot of silly stuff,
and now it's time to talk about

1182
00:55:52,892 --> 00:55:55,394
that real stuff, you know, real stuff.

1183
00:55:55,478 --> 00:55:56,437
You know?

1184
00:55:57,646 --> 00:56:00,858
I wish a dudes
could get dick implants.

1185
00:56:01,567 --> 00:56:02,860
[man]
Whoo! Whoo!

1186
00:56:02,943 --> 00:56:04,403
[woman]
Whoo!

1187
00:56:04,737 --> 00:56:06,739
Yeah, Not that I need it, but--

1188
00:56:08,657 --> 00:56:11,744
Nah, I mean it. Hear me out.
I just-- No, I think I'm fine.

1189
00:56:11,827 --> 00:56:13,996
My penis is like the cord
on an iPhone charger, right?

1190
00:56:14,080 --> 00:56:15,372
It like works,
but, like, every night,

1191
00:56:15,456 --> 00:56:17,291
you wish you had, like,
three extra inches to give.

1192
00:56:17,374 --> 00:56:20,753
You know, like that's--
It almost reaches the bed.

1193
00:56:22,463 --> 00:56:23,839
I don't even want dick implants sexually.

1194
00:56:23,923 --> 00:56:25,091
Get your mind out of the gutter.

1195
00:56:25,174 --> 00:56:27,343
Okay? I'm fine with the Sienna down there.

1196
00:56:27,426 --> 00:56:28,344
All right?

1197
00:56:29,178 --> 00:56:31,138
I don't even want dick implants,
actually, I just want it

1198
00:56:31,347 --> 00:56:34,308
because I'm jealous of the moment
that women get to share

1199
00:56:34,391 --> 00:56:36,477
when one girl gets breast implants.

1200
00:56:37,103 --> 00:56:38,979
I don't know if you've ever been at,
like, a brunch

1201
00:56:39,063 --> 00:56:41,107
and a girl shows up with a new rack.

1202
00:56:42,316 --> 00:56:44,360
Dude, it is electric,
okay?

1203
00:56:45,486 --> 00:56:47,196
it'll shut down a damn IHOP.

1204
00:56:47,279 --> 00:56:48,489
It's insane, right?

1205
00:56:48,823 --> 00:56:49,907
It's a whole event, right?

1206
00:56:49,990 --> 00:56:51,367
She walks in. It's a big scene.

1207
00:56:51,450 --> 00:56:55,371
She's like, "Oh, hey, girls. I don't know
if you've seen these girls."

1208
00:56:56,455 --> 00:56:58,958
Everybody's losing their minds,
you know, everyone's like,

1209
00:56:59,041 --> 00:57:01,335
"Whoa! is that what you spent
your stimulus checks on?

1210
00:57:01,418 --> 00:57:02,753
Jesus Christ!

1211
00:57:03,420 --> 00:57:05,422
But what it is,
is it's this oddly beautiful,

1212
00:57:05,506 --> 00:57:07,675
wholesome moment out of nowhere,
because what happens?

1213
00:57:07,758 --> 00:57:09,635
She invites all of her
female friends, right?

1214
00:57:09,844 --> 00:57:12,471
One by one, single file lines
shortest to tallest,

1215
00:57:14,181 --> 00:57:17,977
just to come caress
the bosom, right?

1216
00:57:18,060 --> 00:57:19,562
Every dude is looking for a wig.

1217
00:57:19,645 --> 00:57:20,563
"I, too, am female.

1218
00:57:20,646 --> 00:57:22,106
Yes. Hi. Hi."

1219
00:57:22,857 --> 00:57:24,483
The blind guy's back.
"Where's my keys at?

1220
00:57:24,567 --> 00:57:26,944
Where's my keys at? Oh, shit.

1221
00:57:27,027 --> 00:57:28,154
Am I rock climbing, girl?"

1222
00:57:33,659 --> 00:57:34,910
It's this wholesome moment, right?

1223
00:57:34,994 --> 00:57:36,370
She lets her friends feel it.

1224
00:57:36,453 --> 00:57:37,538
She's like, "Emily. Your turn."

1225
00:57:37,621 --> 00:57:39,123
She's going,
"God, they feel so good."

1226
00:57:40,207 --> 00:57:42,751
We all know they feel like
a Nerf football, you know?

1227
00:57:43,711 --> 00:57:46,005
Do these whistle too?
[makes whistling sound]

1228
00:57:48,257 --> 00:57:49,967
Who took a bite out of that one?

1229
00:57:53,012 --> 00:57:55,472
The blind guy's like,
"That would be me. That would be me."

1230
00:57:57,057 --> 00:57:58,225
Foam.

1231
00:57:58,309 --> 00:58:00,519
But, ladies, you have to agree.

1232
00:58:00,936 --> 00:58:03,522
It's an oddly wholesome moment
that women get to share

1233
00:58:03,606 --> 00:58:05,441
when they get to all
caress each other's bosom.

1234
00:58:05,524 --> 00:58:07,484
And every guy's just staring in awe.

1235
00:58:07,568 --> 00:58:08,485
Like what?

1236
00:58:10,571 --> 00:58:12,198
And just, like, you know,
fellas, I was thinking about.

1237
00:58:12,281 --> 00:58:13,324
It's like, you know, we just don't--

1238
00:58:14,408 --> 00:58:16,410
[laughter]

1239
00:58:19,622 --> 00:58:25,294
We don't have anything like that, dude.
But could you imagine if we did, dawg?

1240
00:58:25,377 --> 00:58:27,713
just a couple of dudes out in Applebee's
walking in, like,

1241
00:58:27,796 --> 00:58:31,759
"Yo, Jaxon, feel me up."
He's like, "You fucking got it, dude!

1242
00:58:31,842 --> 00:58:32,760
Whoa!"

1243
00:58:35,137 --> 00:58:36,263
"Dude! Stop! Stop, stop!

1244
00:58:36,347 --> 00:58:38,599
I mean, keep going.
But stop, stop, stop!"

1245
00:58:38,724 --> 00:58:40,684
Whoo-hoo!

1246
00:58:41,560 --> 00:58:43,145
"I don't know we were at Yard House.

1247
00:58:43,229 --> 00:58:44,355
Jesus Christ!"

1248
00:58:45,981 --> 00:58:49,944
"Yo, Brock, touch his cock!"
"Already did. I got carpal tunnel, dude!"

1249
00:58:51,528 --> 00:58:53,447
It's a wholesome moment,
you know?

1250
00:58:55,157 --> 00:58:56,408
Just a thought, but--

1251
00:58:58,410 --> 00:59:00,371
I think the opposite of surgery
would be much funnier, right?

1252
00:59:00,454 --> 00:59:01,830
Because what goes up must come down.

1253
00:59:02,539 --> 00:59:04,833
If you can add, you can subtract

1254
00:59:06,418 --> 00:59:09,296
I'm just saying shit
because I can, you know?

1255
00:59:10,130 --> 00:59:11,924
The opposite surgery
is so much funnier, right?

1256
00:59:12,007 --> 00:59:13,008
"Did you hear about Jaxon?"

1257
00:59:13,092 --> 00:59:16,595
"No. What's up?" "Like he's going to the
doctor and he's getting a dick reduction."

1258
00:59:19,181 --> 00:59:23,185
"What? Come again."

1259
00:59:24,979 --> 00:59:26,313
"He never will."

1260
00:59:26,397 --> 00:59:28,065
Stupid. Stupid.

1261
00:59:30,901 --> 00:59:32,403
"Why is he getting a dick reduction?"

1262
00:59:32,486 --> 00:59:35,030
"I don't know, man. He just said
it was hurting his lower calves.

1263
00:59:35,114 --> 00:59:36,031
It was just hurting."

1264
00:59:38,200 --> 00:59:40,786
He had to bust out
the Life Alert and everything, dude.

1265
00:59:42,246 --> 00:59:46,917
I will say this, man, a friend of mine
recently did get a breast reduction. Um...

1266
00:59:47,001 --> 00:59:51,797
It was a female and, ladies, If any of you
have ever gotten a breast reduction

1267
00:59:51,880 --> 00:59:53,090
or you're going to get a breast reduction,

1268
00:59:53,173 --> 00:59:57,052
tell every man you know
and just watch his head explode.

1269
00:59:58,262 --> 01:00:00,347
I don't know what it is, but, dudes,
no guy will ever be able

1270
01:00:00,431 --> 01:00:02,683
to comprehend the thought
of less breasts, okay?

1271
01:00:03,350 --> 01:00:04,852
Our brains, like, can't process.

1272
01:00:04,935 --> 01:00:06,895
And we'll never be in favor for it too,
you know?

1273
01:00:06,979 --> 01:00:09,356
Like no guy will ever be like,
"Oh, yeah. Congratulations."

1274
01:00:09,440 --> 01:00:12,735
Every guy is like,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

1275
01:00:13,444 --> 01:00:17,364
I don't think that's what the Lord
would have wanted, okay?

1276
01:00:17,448 --> 01:00:20,534
God gave you Triple-Fs
for a reason, Miranda."

1277
01:00:22,119 --> 01:00:23,454
[woman]
They grow back.

1278
01:00:23,787 --> 01:00:24,788
They grow back?

1279
01:00:25,539 --> 01:00:27,750
What are they canine teeth?
What the fuck?

1280
01:00:29,793 --> 01:00:30,919
Do they actually?

1281
01:00:31,045 --> 01:00:32,129
What are you watering them with?

1282
01:00:32,212 --> 01:00:33,922
Creatine? What the fuck?

1283
01:00:35,549 --> 01:00:36,383
[man]
Whoo!

1284
01:00:36,467 --> 01:00:37,676
They grow back.

1285
01:00:39,011 --> 01:00:40,888
We need dick reduction now, dude.

1286
01:00:42,389 --> 01:00:43,640
Do they really grow back?

1287
01:00:43,724 --> 01:00:44,892
[woman]
No.

1288
01:00:45,100 --> 01:00:46,143
Let me see you. Respectfully.

1289
01:00:46,226 --> 01:00:48,604
No, I can't. That's illegal.

1290
01:00:50,147 --> 01:00:51,065
They actually do?

1291
01:00:51,148 --> 01:00:54,109
[woman] Yeah. I got it nine years ago.
They're back up two cup sizes.

1292
01:00:54,193 --> 01:00:56,278
They're back up two cup sizes.

1293
01:00:57,071 --> 01:00:59,865
There is A-cups in here
like, "You fucking bitch!

1294
01:00:59,948 --> 01:01:02,576
I would kill for a B."

1295
01:01:04,411 --> 01:01:06,372
I would kill for a bump.

1296
01:01:09,583 --> 01:01:11,418
My nipples look like a baby bottle pop.

1297
01:01:11,502 --> 01:01:12,419
I would kill.

1298
01:01:15,923 --> 01:01:18,342
They grow back? God damn.

1299
01:01:19,760 --> 01:01:22,304
Yeah. I mean same, same, same.

1300
01:01:25,307 --> 01:01:27,059
But did you tell guys afterwards?

1301
01:01:27,226 --> 01:01:28,727
No guy was probably, like, understanding.

1302
01:01:28,811 --> 01:01:29,686
Were you dating somebody at the time?

1303
01:01:29,770 --> 01:01:31,563
[woman]
Yeah. He left me.

1304
01:01:31,688 --> 01:01:32,606
He left you?

1305
01:01:32,689 --> 01:01:34,983
[laughter]

1306
01:01:35,067 --> 01:01:36,985
Unlike the tits,
it didn't come back.

1307
01:01:37,069 --> 01:01:38,487
All right!

1308
01:01:46,286 --> 01:01:48,288
So, you're single.
But what I'm trying to say--

1309
01:01:49,790 --> 01:01:51,041
But, like, guys can't process--

1310
01:01:51,125 --> 01:01:53,669
"She's got less tits.
I got to get out of here." Right?

1311
01:01:53,752 --> 01:01:56,213
We can't process the thought
of like less breasts, right?

1312
01:01:56,296 --> 01:01:58,382
It's like to our brain,
it's like the same thing our brain does.

1313
01:01:58,465 --> 01:02:00,717
when we see somebody
like walking on the highway.

1314
01:02:00,801 --> 01:02:04,346
Like we will never be able to comprehend
what the hell is going on

1315
01:02:04,430 --> 01:02:06,390
when you see somebody
on the highway, right?

1316
01:02:06,473 --> 01:02:08,475
That'll never make sense
to anybody, right?

1317
01:02:08,559 --> 01:02:09,893
No phone, no gas can.

1318
01:02:09,977 --> 01:02:11,895
Just ambition, dude.
Just trucking.

1319
01:02:13,397 --> 01:02:16,817
It's just a broken dream
and an Adderall going to war, dude,

1320
01:02:17,609 --> 01:02:19,570
Every time I see somebody
walking on the highway,

1321
01:02:19,653 --> 01:02:22,948
I'm like,
"Can I walk on the highway, dude?"

1322
01:02:23,282 --> 01:02:25,075
This man knows too much.

1323
01:02:26,785 --> 01:02:28,871
Does he know how to fix a dishwasher?

1324
01:02:31,415 --> 01:02:33,125
But I'll say this
and I'm sure you can agree to this.

1325
01:02:33,208 --> 01:02:35,544
It's very simple why a woman
would ever get a breast reduction.

1326
01:02:35,627 --> 01:02:37,171
It couldn't be simpler. It's two words.

1327
01:02:37,254 --> 01:02:40,382
It's two words. I'll never change.
"My back." That's it.

1328
01:02:40,466 --> 01:02:42,384
"My back."
But we're so dumb.

1329
01:02:42,468 --> 01:02:44,303
We're like, "Yeah, you're pussy
and you're crack."

1330
01:02:44,386 --> 01:02:45,596
Okay, like--

1331
01:02:47,389 --> 01:02:49,308
"I've heard the song,
Miranda.

1332
01:02:49,391 --> 01:02:52,227
All right?
Now is not the time for karaoke."

1333
01:02:52,311 --> 01:02:56,607
Okay? Put a rack on your back.
Dude, level out. All right.

1334
01:02:56,690 --> 01:02:58,400
Life's about balance, dude.

1335
01:02:59,026 --> 01:03:00,027
My neck! My back.

1336
01:03:00,110 --> 01:03:01,278
Your titty's under attack.

1337
01:03:01,361 --> 01:03:03,197
Fix it, dude. Fix it.

1338
01:03:05,741 --> 01:03:09,828
I say all this to say my friend who got
the breast reduction that she posted

1339
01:03:09,912 --> 01:03:15,250
about the surgery on her Instagram
and I have her notifications on. Um...

1340
01:03:16,251 --> 01:03:17,169
for science.

1341
01:03:17,252 --> 01:03:19,588
And she posted.

1342
01:03:19,671 --> 01:03:21,298
I don't know this
until reading the caption,

1343
01:03:21,381 --> 01:03:23,634
but she started the surgery
with triple-Ds.

1344
01:03:23,717 --> 01:03:24,760
Triple-Ds, dude.

1345
01:03:24,843 --> 01:03:28,055
Cup size had a damn stutter.
D-D-Damn, dude, these things--

1346
01:03:30,182 --> 01:03:32,851
Even my ex was like,
Now, that's a stutter, okay?

1347
01:03:33,810 --> 01:03:35,270
They were so big.
She showed me one day.

1348
01:03:35,354 --> 01:03:36,271
I think she thinks I'm gay.

1349
01:03:36,355 --> 01:03:40,692
I'll take it. She showed me one day, and
my brain just made like cartoon noises.

1350
01:03:40,776 --> 01:03:43,946
You know, she went like this,
and I was like, "Wacka-wacka!

1351
01:03:45,989 --> 01:03:48,534
What cup size is "Bazinga,"
dude.

1352
01:03:50,994 --> 01:03:53,830
But, dude, I was looking through
the comments on the post.

1353
01:03:53,914 --> 01:03:56,667
I was looking at the comments on the
breast reduction post because I was bored.

1354
01:03:58,585 --> 01:03:59,419
"Horny." Same word.

1355
01:03:59,503 --> 01:04:00,671
I was looking at the comments

1356
01:04:02,256 --> 01:04:03,340
and I noticed a pattern, right?

1357
01:04:03,423 --> 01:04:05,133
I noticed a pattern.
All the comments from women

1358
01:04:05,217 --> 01:04:07,302
were very fun-loving and supportive.

1359
01:04:07,386 --> 01:04:10,055
Right? My favorite comment
this girl left was, "Yes, Queen."

1360
01:04:11,265 --> 01:04:12,808
"Itty Bitty Titty Committee! Whoo!"

1361
01:04:13,976 --> 01:04:15,852
A couple melon emojis.
It was beautiful.

1362
01:04:16,645 --> 01:04:19,231
I was like, put that shit
on Taco Bell packet, you know?

1363
01:04:20,274 --> 01:04:23,777
I had faith in humanity,
and then I saw one comment...

1364
01:04:24,444 --> 01:04:27,906
from one dude,
one piece of shit,

1365
01:04:28,991 --> 01:04:31,285
who just commented in all capital letters

1366
01:04:31,368 --> 01:04:34,371
and just wrote
"UN-FUCKING-FOLLOWED."

1367
01:04:34,454 --> 01:04:35,706
And that was it.

1368
01:04:35,789 --> 01:04:37,624
[laughter]

1369
01:04:39,126 --> 01:04:40,627
Yeah. And then she blocked me.

1370
01:04:40,711 --> 01:04:41,920
So pretty pissed.

1371
01:04:44,172 --> 01:04:46,341
Austin, Texas. Thank you so much
for letting me come here.

1372
01:04:46,425 --> 01:04:47,759
[cheering]

1373
01:04:47,884 --> 01:04:49,011
Thank you so much.

1374
01:04:50,220 --> 01:04:51,138
Thank you.

1375
01:04:53,473 --> 01:04:55,058
DM me. Thank you.

1376
01:04:55,142 --> 01:04:57,853
[cheering]

1377
01:05:09,364 --> 01:05:10,324
Whoa.

1378
01:05:10,407 --> 01:05:11,658
[coughs]

1379
01:05:12,492 --> 01:05:14,578
That Trevor Noah guy was funny.

1380
01:05:14,661 --> 01:05:16,663
Bro, that wasn't Trevor Noah.

1381
01:05:17,456 --> 01:05:18,290
Oh.

1382
01:05:18,373 --> 01:05:20,459
That was Trevor Lawrence.

1383
01:05:20,542 --> 01:05:21,418
Oh.

1384
01:05:21,501 --> 01:05:23,795
Yo, he was the special one.

1385
01:05:24,713 --> 01:05:26,381
That's what my
teacher used to call me too.

1386
01:05:26,965 --> 01:05:28,050
Miss Stone?

1387
01:05:28,133 --> 01:05:29,676
[both]
Miss Stone.

1388
01:05:30,302 --> 01:05:32,763
[laughing]

1389
01:05:44,608 --> 01:05:46,443
♪ Oh, yeah ♪

1390
01:05:51,198 --> 01:05:53,116
♪ Oh, yeah ♪