- [insects buzzing] - [birds singing]
- [insects chirping] - [water splashing gently]
[curtains screeching]
[Jan Paweł] A chair.
And something more amazing...
[merry folk music playing]
Another chair!
- [frog croaking] - Not a big deal? [chuckles]
They are identical.
Once upon a time,
every object was made individually, by hand,
which means each one looked unique. Horrible.
Luckily, we now have Western manufacturing
which means we can now have two identical copies.
Or a dozen. [chuckles]
[in a high-pitched voice] Oh my goodness. What is that?
Am I looking in a mirror?
- [chuckles] That's my chair voice. - [Jakub] Father?
May we?
[gasps] Oh. Right, right. The alderman's only son's getting married.
[mellow music playing]
Now, where were we?
I pronounce you man and wife.
I'm the one who pronounces.
- [music stops] - [insects buzzing]
- [clicks tongue] Please do. - [birds singing]
- [Jakub] I now pronounce you... - Married already.
Father, I'm serious. A priest has to do it.
- [mellow music resumes] - [birds calling]
[sighs] I now pronounce you man and wife.
- I said it first. - [guests applaud and cheer]
[kissing]
[sublime classical music playing]
[music stops]
- [festive music playing] - [cheering]
[woman] Congratulations!
[all cheering and whooping]
- [man] Congratulations! - ["Wedding March" playing]
- [man 2] Congratulations! - [man 3] Here's to the newlyweds!
Ah, you'll see, Bogdan. They'll be over the moon
when I present them with this old flail.
I'm sure they will.
I used it on the groom when he was little. It's very sentimental.
[Andrzej] Make way for my wedding gift!
- Oh my goodness. It's so shiny. - [man gasps]
He made a fortune trading with the bourgeoisie.
Your new plow.
[all gasp admiringly]
[Andrzej laughing contentedly]
Is that your gift to the newlyweds? Huh, Jan Paweł?
[music stops]
This? [chuckles awkwardly]
No, of course not.
- Mm. It's my contribution. - Yes. This is Bogdan's.
[Andrzej] A-ha...
- In that case... - It's beautiful.
...what did you give this lovely young couple?
[goats bleating]
Uh... [elongated] Uh... I left it at home. [laughs]
- Because it's too heavy to move. - [all gasp]
[groom] What is it, my lord?
I got you...
[clicks tongue, inhales]
...what you've always dreamed of, Bartosz.
[chickens clucking]
[gasps]
[whimpers]
[cries joyfully]
[wheezing, crying]
I think I'm about to realize that Bartosz is an entitled son of a gun.
[Bartosz sobbing]
- My first house! [sobs] - [all gasp and applaud]
If the city approves the plans.
- Gentlemen! - [dramatic music playing]
Today, I can only promise you hell.
Blood, sweat and tears.
What you see out there today, you will never be able to unsee.
If history should repeat itself,
some of you will not live to see tomorrow's dawn.
Keep in mind one word.
[breathes resolutely]
Victory!
Without it, our people cannot survive.
I thought we were only supposed to wait tables.
Yes.
At a Polish wedding!
[music intensifies, then stops]
Zofia, I believe someone has switched the place cards.
[lively folk music playing]
[Jan Paweł] We seem to be sitting with the backstabbing merchant
and his wife.
Oh, I'd forgotten that we'd met before.
Zofia, you look gorgeous without your bonnet. Jan Paweł.
You have some nerve showing up here, Ciesław.
You cost me a fortune.
- A fortune? - By going into business with my nemesis.
I offered to go into business with you first, Jan Paweł,
but you just don't listen.
Talk all you want, I'm still not going to listen.
And how is your finger, Rozalia? Healing well?
How could it be healing? You butchered it!
Mm.
[grunts and gasps]
[expectorates, coughs]
[man 1] Oh, sweet Jesus.
[groaning]
I'm sorry. You know how it is at weddings.
No worries. It could happen to anyone.
- [ominous tone plays] - Let's go... not this way.
- Yeah. - [ominous music plays]
[man 2 vocalizing]
[man 3] Hey there.
Is this Adamczycha?
[munching] Depends who wants to know. If you're Polish,
yeah.
If you're German,
no way.
Lithuanian...
Okay.
- Hungarian... - I'm Polish. From Sandomierz.
What brings you all the way down to our village?
[mysterious music playing]
REWARD BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
I'm Father Viper. Crown investigator.
I've been assigned to investigate the disappearance
and possible murder of a noble.
The punishment could be death or the rack.
Or, in case it's a priest,
transfer to a godforsaken parish.
[gulps nervously]
- [festive folk music playing] - [indistinct shouting and cheering]
Mother?
Maybe the Ryczynskis have some news about Stanisław.
Did you ask if they've heard anything?
Rozalia?
Could we have a moment in private?
Ah... Yes. Of course, Zofia.
- We only want news about my brother... - This matter calls for discretion.
Jan Paweł! We have a problem.
I don't wanna hear about your problems.
Andrzej, you and I need to talk.
I'm afraid you'll have to wait your turn. I really need to talk to Jan Paweł.
[ominous music playing]
Jakub, come!
You and I need to talk.
- Andrzej! - [tableware clatters]
What I have to say to you can't wait!
[sarcastically] Yeah. Really good talk, everyone.
[Izaak] This is for the nobles' tables. And this is for peasants.
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go!
You with the noble's tables, come back quickly for more!
[indistinct shouting and chattering]
Hey. You wanna swap sections?
Hell yeah, bro.
Calm down.
- If we panic, then we're all screwed. - [Jakub whispers] Father!
[ominous music playing]
We're not safe here.
To the dance floor. Come on!
[festive folk music playing]
[music stops]
- [breathing heavily] - [music resumes]
We knew someone would come looking.
That's why we came up with a contingency plan.
- We picked up the skull fragments. - [all shout] Yah!
- [clap] - Threw them in the slop.
- [all shout] Yah! [clap] - Moved the body.
- [all shout] Yah! [clap] - And paid off witnesses.
[all shout] Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah! [clapping rhythmically]
But we couldn't guess
that they'd send Father Viper from Sandomierz.
[all] Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah! [clapping rhythmically]
- Why'd you have to kill that guy? - You killed him first, you traitor.
- [all] Yah! [clap] - We could kill Viper, Dad.
No. That's enough blood.
Anyway, murdering a priest is a major no-no.
And yet, my God gave us free will.
[dancers shouting melodically]
[Jakub] I'll handle the sinful business, Dad.
[all] Yah! [clap]
[Jakub] You guys just get your stories straight.
I'll have Jakub keep an eye on this guy.
He can even try to throw Father Viper off the scent.
- I don't know if Jakub can handle it. - [Ciesław] Andrzej! We really...
- We really need to talk. - [Andrzej] All right.
- [festive foll music continues] - [indistinct shouting and chattering]
I'll take you to the chapel in a moment. It's beautiful.
We can recite the rosary. Maybe drink some wine.
Thank you, Jakub.
Although I never drink on the job, which, as I said,
is to find out what happened to Henryk Lubopolski.
[clicks tongue] Well, I won't keep you as you'll want to arrive in Stara Wieś
before dawn, so you can question the villagers.
I do confessions there quite often. They're a very sinful bunch.
[Viper] Peasant!
[ominous notes play]
Yes?
Have you seen an elegant, young magnate's son here in recent weeks?
Tall, skinny, idiot with purple curls?
The fancy shoes made him look taller, no?
[ominous notes play]
He did like a good heel.
Nah.
Never saw him.
[indistinct chattering in the background]
[festive folk music playing]
[indistinct shouting and chattering]
[Aniela] Thank you.
[happily] Good evening, my lady.
My name is Maciej, and I will be your server tonight.
Blacksmithing skills and five-star service.
Mm, I do love a Renaissance guy.
Good to know.
Should there be anything else you need, let me know.
I do need something.
- [clattering on table] - A drinking buddy.
[uneasily] Everything's under control.
There's absolutely nothing to be worried about.
[clattering]
I just need to pack
a trunk or two,
in the unlikely event...
[clatters]
...that we do need to worry,
and absolutely nothing
is under control.
- [door slams] - [sensual music plays]
- [Zofia gasping] - [Jan Paweł] Zofia! Start packing!
- [Rozalia moans] - It's not what you think.
Come on, we're in a rush.
You'll just have to nap with your friend later.
- [saber rasps] - The crown investigator's here.
- The Viper? Why is he here? - [Jan Paweł] Why do you think?
Because of the idiot. The one we... [mimics gunfire]
Pow!
You shot Henryk Lubopolski? [gasps]
[fire crackling]
[tense music playing]
How did you know?
Zofia talked me right off the edge.
She reminded me that we can outsmart this Father Viper.
After all, people lie to each other all the time.
I thought he'd see through us right away, that he'd be as hard to fool as I am.
It's pretty hard to pull the wool over my eyes. [laughs]
[Ciesław pants]
Jan Paweł. [panting]
I found out about something.
- I'm not talking to you. - Good call, darling.
[footsteps approaching]
It's about my estate.
Why don't you go chat over a beer?
[Viper] So the kielbasa vanished from the table, you say?
Yes. Last winter. Can you help us solve this mystery, Father?
Show of hands.
Who is standing here before us with their petty problems to solve,
and wants me to solve them?
Hm. How many saw the missing idiot, and know what happened to him?
[goat bleats]
[crunches, chews]
[man] I know.
[dramatic music playing]
[music intensifies, then fades]
I know where you can find the royal idiot.
[mysterious music plays]
Hold on. Would you say it again, so I know I heard right?
- [Ciesław sighs] - [owl hooting]
[Ciesław] King Wiśniowiecki suddenly enacted a law
that resulted in the confiscation
of noblemens' assets invested in bourgeois businesses.
It's mainly to protect class divisions.
And it just so happens
that I invested all my savings in his business,
and now I've lost everything.
I don't understand what's so complicated that I need to explain it three times!
[crackling]
I think he just wanted to hear it one more time.
- I need you to help me out on this one. - [snickering]
[Andrzej] I need you to buy my half of Adamczycha.
[exhales, snickers]
[crackles]
This is, by far, the happiest day of my life!
[alarmingly] Father! Father! Viper found the nobleman's son!
- [ominous music plays] - Say what?
[deliberately] Viper found the nobleman's son!
However, it could all be downhill from here.
[Andrzej] Father Viper!
We can explain the thing about the nobleman's son.
We were out hunting.
There was an accident.
Here.
[Jan Paweł gasps]
Stanisław?
Hi, Daddy.
About that city girl...
[fire crackling]
Didn't work out.
Well, he is still your son, my lord?
Wrong son...
of the wrong nobleman.
Are there any other royal offspring here?
Uh, I'm still here.
The two of you ran all this way to tell me that this idiot is Stanisław?
- Exactly. - [Jan Paweł breathes out]
And I don't see any other magnate's sons.
[string strums]
[clatters]
- [merry folk music plays] - [indistinct chattering]
[clink]
[drunkenly] Oh, another.
[groans drunkenly] Are you kidding?
- What's wrong? You a wuss? [chuckles] - [wine pouring]
[Maciej] Maybe I am. So what?
[laughs] Is my manhood really gonna be measured
by whether I'm... [laughs]
...able to drink you under the table? [laughs]
What? I'm talking dumb.
I don't hold liquor well.
I'm less of an idiot when I drink in moderation.
Because then I... I can drink even more.
Although, I have to admit, I say dumb things even...
[sighs] I don't even know what to make of my life.
- Life is what you make it. - [glasses clink]
[laughs softly]
For some.
The rules aren't the same...
for some of us.
[indistinct shouting and cheering]
I know.
[woman] Come on!
- [music stops] - [howling in the distance]
Do you like board games?
Whenever I'm really bored, I go back to the manor
and sort all of Luther's theses
from the least ridiculous to the most idiotic.
I recall your father mentioning there'd been a hunt.
- [ominous music playing] - Apparently, in this neck of the woods.
Oh. [chuckles]
- [lantern clattering] - [owl hooting]
It's so common to lose jewelry while hunting.
Not so common to have the initials "H. L."
I don't know.
We have lots of those.
Do you now?
First name starting with "H" and last name starting with "L".
Honey Lemon.
[sighs]
- [indistinct laughing and cheering] - [merry folk music playing]
[inhales, puffs]
[blows out]
[inhales, puffs]
- [Arleta] Aniela, we have a problem. - [blows out]
You're killing my buzz, Arleta.
[breathes out] It's your party. You should be out there having fun.
I'd like to, but... I'm in labor.
[breathing rapidly and heavily]
You said it was six months.
Well, six plus three more.
[grunting in pain]
[fire crackling]
I will say this for the last time. Henryk Lubopolski was never in this room.
Lady Zofia, I haven't even started the interrogation.
As I was surveying the area where your husband said
the hunt took place, I found this ring.
And Father Jakub snatched it from my hand, put it in his mouth, and almost choked...
[wheezes, coughs]
...while trying to swallow the damn thing. In the meantime,
you cried out, and I quote...
[paper rustles]
"There was never a ring. There was never a ring."
I'm sure I'm misquoted.
[Viper] As you wish.
Although we all know that buffoon came here,
and I will find out what happened.
And Godspeed to you, Father.
[door creaks, closes]
[Rozalia] Zofia, it's still not too late.
- For what? - [Rozalia] For you to confess.
[breathes out] There's been a murder here.
It's too much to live with.
If you'd met that fool, you would find it easier.
[sniffles]
- [emotional music playing] - But... you're innocent, my darling.
Confess to what really went on here, and the truth will set you free.
You'll be able to be whoever you want to be...
with whomever you want to be.
By doing so, you'll choose goodness and love.
And what's more important than goodness and love?
Whenever goodness and love stand in the way of family,
family crushes them both to dust.
[gasps softly]
This is Poland...
where family trumps everything.
[gasps softly]
[music stops]
[choking]
SALE AND PURCHASE AGREEMENT OF THE BIGGER HALF OF ADAMCZYCHA
ANNEX TO THE SALE AND PURCHASE AGREEMENT
- [Jan Paweł, slowly] Jan Paweł. - [solemn music playing]
And that's all he wrote.
[Ciesław] Andrzej...
I hereby... [blows]
...confirm that Jan Paweł is officially owner of your half...
The bigger half.
[Ciesław]...for the amount equal to the first installment of your debt
to the Commonwealth Crown.
[exhales contentedly]
- [sighs dreamily] - [solemn music intensifies]
Adamczycha is mine.
All halves of it.
[laughs]
Andrzej got mixed up in some funny business,
and now the King confiscated his entire estate.
I've been saying all along that he's an idiot. But now?
[laughs]
Now, I will most certainly become the most famous Jan Paweł
in Polish history.
[Rozalia] No one can please you in bed as I did!
[Zofia] And vice versa! [groans]
[Zofia] My finger will never ever touch your clitoris again!
- [Rozalia scoffs] - [Zofia] I curse it!
[Rozalia] We are done!
[Zofia] Yes, it's over! Forever and ever! Amen!
[both groan in anger and sob]
[poignant music playing]
[door slams]
Right.
I say that proves my theory
that women can't be friends.
[chuckles] No kidding.
Whereas we just start throwing punches, and the situation is resolved,
and we forget all about it. But women? Crazy!
[all laugh]
[mockingly] "The way you rubbed my clitoris hurt my feelings."
"We're not friends anymore." [in normal tone] That's my lady voice.
[all laughing loudly]
Women have way too many feelings.
I always say,
"Bro, do what you want with my clitoris, as long as the wine keeps coming!" Ah!
[all laughing loudly]
[sighing and chuckling]
[Jan Paweł] Mm. [laughs softly]
[all sigh]
What's a clitoris?
I have no idea.
- [doors slam] - Great news!
- You'll never guess what happened. - [woman screaming in pain]
What's going on here?
- You're almost there. Go, Arleta. Push! - [Jan Paweł] Move.
[Jan Paweł] Bare down. Bare down. Breathe. Breathe.
Like you mean it! Come on! Now cut it! Come on, cut it!
- [slicing] - [Arleta gasps]
- Here's my gift to you! A child. - [baby crying]
- Now let's get back to the wedding. - [women gasping excitedly]
- [Arleta] Oh! - His name will be Adam!
In honor of my Adamczycha!
- Bravo! Bravo! - [all applauding and cheering]
[Arleta] I have a daughter!
[laughs joyously] Oh.
- [Jan Paweł] What? - We have a girl.
Damn. It's always something.
Okay, so you'll be Adam!
In honor of my village.
She looks just like you, Bartosz.
- Call me Adam. - [laughs softly]
[woman] It was evident right away.
[all sing in Polish] ♪ May she live For a hundred years ♪
♪ May she live For a very long time ♪
- ♪ May she live... ♪ - [woman, in English] Arleta!
- [in Polish] ♪ May she live healthy... ♪ - [doors creak]
[in English] Jan Paweł!
[in Polish] ♪...in good fortune May she live a long life ♪
- [muffled] ♪ May she live ♪ - [breathing heavily]
[ominous music plays]
[distant howling]
Ever since my arrival, people have treated me like an idiot.
And I don't like it when people think I'm an idiot.
So I'm gonna tell you what I know,
and then I want to hear what you know.
I know that Henryk Lubopolski was in Adamczycha.
Is it me, or our cemeteries are getting colder?
And I know that you know that Henryk Lubopolski was in Adamczycha.
[ominous music continues]
I didn't know that.
You knew that and didn't tell us?
Where is he now Andrzej?
And I know that if you both keep lying through your teeth,
you'll be arrested for obstruction of justice.
So let me ask you one more time.
When was the last time you two saw Henryk?
- [inhales] - [distant howling]
[Andrzej] Uh...
[music stops]
[sighs]
Uh, you know...
I think I'm starting to remember something.
Yeah, but it's still a little bit foggy.
- Uh... - Uh...
[inhales]
[sighs] Wow, it's been a few weeks, so my memory...
My memory needs a little bit of refreshing.
It's coming to me. I remember. There was an accident.
Yes. Uh, the magnate's son had his father's carriage travelling
down the road when an elk suddenly sprang outta nowhere.
[Jan Paweł] Yes. From the... from the bushes on the left.
[Andrzej] Yes. And the said elk really spooked the horse.
- And? - Uh...
Because Henryk was driving
under the influence of snuff, he lost control.
- Yes. That's exactly how it went down. - [Andrzej] Then he crashed into a tree.
[both] And then his head exploded like a melon.
- [Viper] Mm-hmm. [chuckles] - [mischievous music playing]
Uh... The elk came from the left?
You were close enough to see it?
- Andrzej killed him. - Jan Paweł killed him!
You killed him because you saw that Henryk and I had a bond.
You killed him because you knew he was set to marry one of my daughters.
- Your daughters? - [gun fires]
Half an hour.
That's how long you have to remember who killed Henryk Lubopolski.
If you can't make up your minds, I'll assume there are two murderers.
[mischievous music continues]
- [festive folk music playing] - [shouting in unison]
[screaming excitedly, and in commotion]
[woman 1] I got it! No!
- [Ula panting] - [woman 2] I had it!
- I got you the bouquet! [pants] - [Aniela] Keep it, Ula. It's yours.
I only get paid if your mom sees you take it.
[Aniela] What?
[sighs]
Are you kidding?
[Zofia] Aniela,
Adamczycha is ours. All halves of it.
- It's a huge opportunity for our family. - What does a bouquet have to do with it?
We'll be back in the race for a magnate's son,
now that we also own the bigger half.
Mother, listen to me.
I know we're keeping it quiet,
but that idiot doesn't have enough brains in his head to be my husband!
Aniela.
There are other sons of magnates with their melons intact.
You won't let up on this, will you?
- We all have to make sacrifices. - [Aniela] And what are you sacrificing?
Tsk.
[scoffs] Typical.
[people whooping and cheering]
[laughing joyously]
- Jan Paweł... - [sighs deeply]
...there's no way out of this for us. We are complete toast.
- [festive music in the background] - [glass shatters]
[inhales sharply]
You're right.
If history can be trusted,
moments like these make great men find courage in their hearts,
and become legends.
I will sacrifice myself
and let you take all the blame for his death.
What?
- That's the opposite of courage. - Are you kidding?
It takes great courage
to ask another man to do something for you,
knowing that he probably won't accept.
- It's very uncomfortable. - [scoffs] You got one thing right.
I don't accept.
So if not you or me, then who?
[Bogdan] But of course. The white-tailed eagle speaks Polish.
[man] No way. Have you actually heard it with your own ears?
Uh-huh. Who else's?
Some stranger's ears? My ears work perfectly fine.
So I accepted to take the fall for the dead moron.
I admit I wasn't so sure about it at first,
because killing a noble is punishable by death.
Then I remembered the tradition
of allowing the poor suckers who are sentenced to death
to choose one final meal.
And one thing I've always said is this,
"I'll eat a guinea fowl, and then I can die."
I am true to my word.
[mischievous music playing]
[clatters]
[Viper] Time's up.
This version is your final version, correct?
Yes. It was Bogdan.
A ruthless assassin.
[Viper] Mm-hmm. All right. Just a minor formality to wrap things up.
How exactly did you kill Henryk?
[Bogdan] Well, like...
a man...
who believes in God.
- You sho... - [tightly] Do not help him.
[Bogdan] I sho...
[tense music playing]
I might've shoved a dagger through his heart.
- [Viper sighs impatiently] - [Bogdan] From behind.
If you don't want the money, I'll just give it to him. I've had enough.
Money?
Bogdan, report to the crown treasury in Plock tomorrow
to collect your reward of 100,000 gold coins.
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
Henryk Lubopolski was wanted dead or alive for murdering someone in cold blood.
So the guinea fowl's cancelled?
You can get as many guinea fowls as you want.
You're rich now.
[dramatic classical music playing]
[chuckles]
Oh, fucking A!
Brothers! [laughs]
Thank you!
[laughing]
[howling in the distance]
- [splatters] - [traditional Polish folk song playing]
[bucket clatters]
So, what life do you want to make? [breathes heavily]
It's best not to speak it out loud.
[sighs emotionally]
Then don't speak.
[song intensifies]
[kissing]
[Aniela breathes heavily]
[exhales passionately]
[music stops]
- [gentle folk music playing] - [birds singing]
[water splashing gently]
[rooster crowing]
- [bells jingling] - [goat bleating]
[poultry honking]
[peasant 1 yawning]
[peasant 2 snoring]
[peasant 3 snoring]
[peasant 4 snoring]
- [chickens clucking] - [birds trilling]
- [peasant 5 snoring] - [footsteps approaching]
[Jan Paweł] Life is, without a doubt, the most surprising thing in life.
Every little thing we do
brings a load of consequences we cannot foresee.
[bell jingling]
[Jan Paweł] We make assumptions and tell ourselves
all sorts of crazy things.
But it's like talking to a fox, a raven or a peasant.
On the other hand, every omission or missed opportunity
leaves us with a nagging "what if?" in our heads, right behind the eyes.
And it's difficult to escape the thought
that nothing in life is really in our hands,
even though we're the ones who do all the work.
So when we hear that we're destined for valor and greatness,
we have to keep our cool.
Because, who knows?
Only God Almighty.
Or the Brown Hatter.
Or both.
All we can do is believe.
[bell jingling]
[door creaks]
[Jan Paweł] Or not believe.
That's why we need a strong foundation
that we can lean on, so we don't go mad. And that foundation can only be nation,
community,
and family.
Am I right, Zofia?
What?
[fire crackling]
I was asking if I was right.
I wasn't really listening, my lord, but I'm sure you are.
[gentle music continues]
[curtains screeching]
THE END
[women shouting] Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah!
[festive folk music playing]
[dramatic music playing]
[music stops]
[soaring classical music playing]
[music stops]
[suspenseful music playing]
[odd music playing]
[cheerful classical music playing]
[exciting music playing]
[music stops]
[grand music playing]
[music stops]