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Let's get one thing straight right from the start.
This is not your typical love story.
It's more of a...
Well, how should I put it?
An intimate mystery?
You see, I've lost something,
something precious,
something that used to come, well, like clockwork.
Life was picture perfect,
a thriving career as an interior designer with an amazing boss,
the kind of friends you would take a bullet for...
...and a newly rented dream apartment in the heart of San Francisco.
But there was one thing missing.
One little
well, not so little thing.
My O.
My orgasm.
It's gone AWOL, vanished, disappeared.
One night it was there, and the next, poof, gone.
Yeah. You heard it right.
An ill-timed one night stand with pizza parlor Cory Weinstein
had robbed me of my orgasm.
We own a chain of pizza parlors up and down the West Coast.
Now, up until this point, I had shared that old theory that sex was like pizza.
Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good.
I now hated pizza for several reasons.
This was the worst kind of sex.
This was machine gun style,
fast, fast, fast, 30 seconds on the tits,
60 seconds on something that was an inch above where he should have been,
and then in and out, and in and out, and in and out.
By the time it was over and he yelled...
I had mentally rearranged all my spices
and was starting on the cleaning supplies under the sink.
Yes.
Listen, I'm not averse to the one-night stand.
I've made the walk of shame many a morning.
But this guy, I should have known better.
No matter how much self-love I treated myself to after that,
O had left the building.
She's been on vacation for six months now.
Six long months.
I had all but given up hope.
Oh, God.
Yes, baby, right there. Yeah, just like that.
Oh, God...
Go faster.
Yes. Oh.
Oh, shit!
What the...
Yes! Yes!
- Spanking? - Yes!
- Whoo. - You're the best.
- Oh, my... - Yes.
Oh, God. Yes!
Welcome to the neighborhood.
What do you think, Clive?
Should we start in here or the living room?
Living room it is.
Simon, last night was fantastic.
I thought this morning was fantastic, too.
- I'll call you when I'm back in town. - Okay.
Bye-bye, Spanks.
- Don't drop it, Mimi. - Shut up, Sophia.
Hey. No fighting, you two.
Happy housewarming.
Quit moving so much. We're tired of buying you stuff.
I cannot believe you guys carried that all the way up the stairs.
Oh, believe me.
We waited in the cab for someone to walk by, but no luck.
- So we schlepped it up ourselves. - Okay.
Hey, guys, careful.
Jillian would kill me if I banged a hole in the wall.
Well, at least one hole will get banged around here.
Charming, so...
I wish my boss would give me
an awesome rent controlled apartment in the city.
You don't have a boss.
I organize people's homes. I have a lot of bosses.
Right.
We knew how much you miss your old one.
It is beautiful.
Oh, do you two wanna be left alone?
No. No, I want you to be here to witness this love.
Thank you.
- What? - Can I start on your drawers?
I'm dying to start placing everything.
Have at it.
Merry Christmas, freak show.
Oh, God.
Meow. Oh.
Meow. Oh, God.
Meow.
Meow. Meow.
Oh, God.
Hey, mister, it's cool. We just have a noisy neighbor, that's all.
Simon. Meow.
Meow. Meow.
- What? - Meow!
Oh, now you want some love from me, huh?
After abandoning me for Purina?
Yeah. Yeah. I know you love me.
Call me when you're back in town?
Ask me about the Sausalito house.
How's the Sausalito house?
Done!
Housewarming next weekend, you and your squad are invited.
Sounds great. Can we bring anything?
Can we stare at Benjamin?
No. And I would expect nothing less.
- How's the apartment? - Fantastic.
Thank you so much for subletting it to me, Jillian.
- You are the best. - It's nothing.
You know, for the rent, it would break my heart to let it go.
When's the last time you slept there?
Not since I've been with Benjamin, so
like a year ago.
Did you hear any late night noises?
No. The last neighbor I remember was in his 80s.
And the only noise I ever heard was reruns of Gunsmoke.
Well, straight up sex is coming through those walls now.
And not sweet, boring sex either.
We're talking...
...interesting.
They were banging the wall so hard, a picture fell on my head.
Do you know the neighbor's name?
Simon.
God, stupid wallbanger.
Simon Wallbanger.
I love it.
Okay. Back to work.
The Nicholsons are coming at 1:00
and landing this job will be huge for the firm.
You ready?
To the Nicholsons!
- Sophia, you're sweet. - Okay.
You're not gonna find your lost O with me.
Oh, here, let me...
Okay.
Get in.
Kittens, lay back.
You're about to get wall-banged.
Oh, right there.
Yes. Yes. Yee-haw, cowboy, yes.
What the hell is this?
This is the sexual torture
I have been listening to the last two nights.
Laughy-pants has been getting done like this for the last two nights?
No. The first night was Spanks.
She was a naughty, naughty girl.
And last night, Clive met the love of his life
when Purina made her debut.
Purina?
She meows when he makes her cum.
Have you seen this guy yet?
Nope.
But my peephole is getting a workout.
Wow. Three girls in three nights.
That's some kind of stamina.
It's some kind of disgusting.
I am not getting any sleep.
My poor wall.
- What does your wall have to do? - Wait. And hold for it.
Yes! Yes, cowboy, yee-haw!
Oh, my God.
Oh...
- My... - [both] ...God.
Giggler, I think I hate you most of all.
Bye, Simon.
Italian tile is definitely the way to go, Mrs. Nicholson.
Your bathroom will look stunning.
Don't judge.
That's it! Right there, Simon!
God, yes, right there!
Yes, meow!
Meow.
Hey, you.
- Cory. - Yeah.
- How are you? - Yeah, I can't complain,
just touring restaurants for the old man.
How are you?
How's your decorating business?
- Design business. - Oh.
Good. I was just on my way to working.
Oh, no rush, pretty thing.
Have you had lunch?
I can get you discounts on pizza.
How does 5% off sound to you?
- Wow! 5%. - Yeah.
As much as that sweetens the pot, I'm gonna have to pass.
So when can I see you again?
I mean, that night, damn.
It was pretty great, huh?
Cory, you should know I'm about to vomit on your shoes.
- So I would back up if I were you. - Just text me.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And the contractor who was high
chipped an entire pallet of tiles,
and Clive kept stealing all the shrimp from my pad Thai.
Oh, honey, you need to do something to release that stress.
I gotta go.
When's the last time anybody made you scream?
You have no idea.
Make me scream, blonde Colton Donovan.
Oh, God. Simon.
Simon.
No, no.
No. Don't leave me. No.
No.
Open this door, you man-whore!
Oh, God.
You're gonna wanna hold on tight for this.
Simon!
Open this door, you man-whore!
Now, look here.
Do you have any idea how loud you are?
If I have to hear one more night,
one more minute of you and your harem banging on the wall,
I'm gonna go insane.
Settle down. It cannot be that bad.
I can hear every spank,
every meow, every giggle,
and I have had it! This shit ends now!
Hey, I'm sorry if I disturbed you,
but you cannot come over here and dictate what I can and can't do.
You don't see me banging on your door.
No. You're just banging on my bedroom wall.
Well, how come you can hear me and I can't hear you?
Oh, wait.
Is it because there's no one banging on your walls?
You, you.
Shit, I have a problem.
Have you seen him since?
No. It's been relatively quiet actually.
Either he listened to me or his dick finally broke off
and he sought medical attention.
He's cute, isn't he?
Dammit. Yes.
He's such an asshole.
- Oh, wait. - Stop.
You don't wanna meet Prince Charming with flat hair, do you?
Girl, I'm not flat anywhere.
Plus, if these girls are on display,
Prince Charming won't even know I have hair.
Oh, my God.
- Okay. - Don't forget to try the shrimp.
Give me one sec, please.
- Girls, you made it. - Hey.
- Stunning. - Oh, thank you.
- Gorgeous. - It's perfect.
I told you. I gotta mingle, you ladies. Enjoy.
Oh, thank you.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Oh, Sophia,
I see a cowboy for you right over there.
Oh, no, no. Wait.
He's taken by another cowboy.
Okay, moving on.
- Mimi, I spotted your boy for tonight. - Where?
Black sweater, khaki pants.
Oh, look at how tall he is.
Just my type.
Who is that yummy that he's talking to?
It's like they both walked out of a Sophia and Mimi dream man catalog.
- What's up? - Hey, how are you?
- Benjamin. - Benjamin.
- Okay. - Okay.
There's my three favorite ladies.
Fashionably late as always.
- Hi, Benjamin. - Hi, Benjamin.
Allow me, guys. This is Caroline.
- She works with Jillian. - Hi.
Mimi and Sophia, what, your BFFs?
Wow. BFFs.
Look who's teaching you the lingo, daddy-O.
I'm Neil. And this tool here is Ryan.
Wow. I will remember that the next time you forget your email password.
- You have very soft hands. - I'm a concert cellist.
Hey, Parker...
...bring your pretty boy ass over here and meet our new friends.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Wallbanger?
Pink Nightie Girl.
Wait, this is Pink Nightie Girl?
Pink Nightie Girl.
I didn't realize you knew Simon.
I wouldn't say I know him, but I am familiar with his work.
- You're not gonna believe this... - Mimi.
Simon is Simon from next door.
Simon Wallbanger.
No way.
Asshole.
- Benjamin. - Cockblocker.
This hottie here is the Pink Nightie Girl.
Okay. Okay. You know what? That's it.
You, a word, please.
Slow down, will ya?
You've got some nerve. Pink Nightie Girl?
I could ask the same, Wallbanger?
Just because I refuse to spend another night listening
to you and your harem
does not make me a cockblocker.
Well, your door banging blocked my cock.
So it does in fact make you a cockblocker.
Cockblocker.
I am not going to spend every night listening to you
trying to slam your girl's head through my wall
with the force of your dick!
You're really fixated on this, aren't you?
You wish you were on the other side of that wall, Nightie Girl?
Why are you such a man-whoring asshole?
And why are you such a cock blocking priss?
Okay. This never happened. Got it?
Whatever you say.
And cool it with the pink nightie stuff.
Until I get to see your other nighties, that's what I'm calling you.
Staring daggers at each other.
Oh, my gosh.
You should have heard Caroline tell us about when she banged on his door.
- He was still hard. - He was still hard.
Wow. I mean, what a thing to wake up to.
Hard times.
So I was thinking, since we're neighbors and all...
That I'd wanna join you some night?
I have no interest in becoming one of your girls.
I was gonna say since we're neighbors, maybe we could call a truce.
Oh.
- Or maybe not. - Wait.
Truce.
But there has to be some ground rules.
You can have your fun, hang from the ceiling fans. I don't care.
Just late at night, can you keep it to a dull roar,
please?
I really need to get some sleep.
Yes, I can see how that might be a problem.
But also, you don't know anything about me
or my harem, as you call it.
So, no more nasty judgements, agreed?
Agreed.
By the way, I appreciated the quiet this week.
Did something happen?
Happen? What do you mean?
Well, I thought maybe you got injured in the line of duty.
A sex-capade injury.
Unbelievable.
That's all you think I am, isn't it?
A dick? Yes, in fact.
- Now, look... - Nice to see you two
kissed and made up.
Can it, anchorman.
Anchorman?
Wait, you're the local sports guy from KCYD, right?
Yeah. You watch a lot of sports?
Mainly football. I'm a Niners fan.
Me, too.
- You okay? - Yeah.
- I got you. - Thank you.
Caroline, we're gonna take off.
Neil told us about this great little bar.
Do you two wanna come or...
- No. - Great.
Old Wallbanger here will make sure you get home okay?
Yeah.
Sure.
Truce?
Truce.
So, what did you think of our friends tonight?
I couldn't believe they left us.
I know, but my girls know what they want.
I couldn't have painted two better men for them.
Yeah, same for the guys.
Your friends are exactly what they look for,
like down to a tee.
I'm sure I'll hear all about it.
I'll give you the scoop tomorrow.
I mean, if you want.
I want.
So, how do you know Benjamin and Jillian?
I work with Jillian.
I'm an interior designer.
Hold up. You're... you're that Caroline?
That Caroline?
It's just Jillian has mentioned you before.
We'll leave it at that.
Hell no, we're not leaving it at that.
What did she say?
You're really rough, you know that?
What did she say about me?
Jillian adores you.
She adores me.
She might have mentioned a few times that I should meet you.
Who knew?
The nice designer Jillian wanted to set me up with
was Pink Nightie Girl.
Had I known, I might have taken her up on it.
Well, Pink Nightie Girl would've said no,
you know, thin walls and all.
Speaking of thin walls...
...sweet dreams.
Wait, sweet dreams?
Sorry.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
So, how was your ride home?
Okay.
Thank you.
It was interesting.
Interesting good?
You know the rules, you dish, I dish.
Did you know Neil was All-American in football?
And he always wanted to be a sports broadcaster.
Did you know Ryan sold a computer program when he was 23?
Put all his money in the bank, quit his job,
and spent two years teaching English to kids in Thailand.
Did you know that Simon doesn't consider his lady friends a harem
and that Jillian actually, at one point,
told him about me as a potential girl he should be dating?
Did you know Neil loves to windsurf?
And he has tickets to the symphony benefit next week.
- We should double. - Sounds fun.
I was thinking of asking Ryan,
who, by the way, runs a charity...
...that puts computers and educational materials into inner city schools
all over California.
- It's called... - No Children Left Offline?
- Mm-hmm. - I love that charity.
I give to them every year.
- And Ryan runs it? - Mm-hmm.
So, any kisses at the door?
Yes. I mean, Neil kissed me.
I bet he's a good kisser.
He's got great hands.
Did you notice his hands? It's like damn fine hands.
What? What?
I noticed his hands. They're huge.
How could you not?
And you?
Was the computer genius charitable with his good night kiss?
Yes, he was.
Gave me a great good night kiss.
How about you, any kisses from Wallbanger?
Morning.
Did you see the Nicholsons have added a home theater?
- Mm-hmm. - I knew they'd come around.
Mimi is coming over for dinner tonight.
We're finalizing the plans for the new closet she's been designing.
And did I tell you I got the glass company in Murano
to give me a deal on the pieces I ordered for the bathroom chandelier?
Did you have dental work done?
No. I am waiting for you to talk to me about your neighbor, Mr. Parker,
or should I say Simon Wallbanger?
Where to start?
First of all, how the hell could you not know
that he was the one thumping away every night...
When I see him is always with Benjamin,
and we usually go out for drinks or we have him over at our place.
Regardless, it is the beginnings of a great story, don't you think?
Simon said that you had mentioned me to him before.
You are so busted.
Now, wait, wait, wait.
I never would have suggested you
if I would have known that he had so many girlfriends.
Benjamin must have known.
How does he know Benjamin?
Simon grew up in Philadelphia and Benjamin watched out for him.
You know, he's kind of like a big brother,
favorite uncle, the surrogate father, that kind of thing.
And Benjamin was very close with his dad.
Was very close to Simon's dad?
Simon's parents were killed in a car accident
when he was a senior in high school.
After the funeral,
Benjamin stayed in Philadelphia for a while.
That's when he and Simon began to talk
about Simon going to university in the Bay Area.
I think he saw it as a chance to get away from everything and he took it.
And now, he is a talented photographer.
He flies all over the world for some of the biggest publications, so...
Seriously, Caroline, he's a sweet guy.
I think you two could be great friends.
Carpet in the closet?
Yes. It'll feel so good under cold toes in the morning.
Okay. For that, you're gonna have to give me back those two-feet
you wanted from the bathroom for the rotating shoe rack that I vetoed.
I can live with that.
Okay.
That'll be the takeout guy. You wanna get the door?
- I'll get the tip. - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Oh, hey, there, Simon.
No!
Caroline, what the hell? Your cat...
Get away.
Hey, there, Clive.
Just...
Who's your new friend?
Who's my good boy?
- Come with me. - Clive, come here.
Shoot.
Clive, you know better than to run away from Mommy.
What the hell? Are you trying to kill me, cockblocker?
Don't you call her that, you Wallbanger.
Look at my skirt.
Did somebody order pad Thai?
Thank you.
Did that really just happen?
I'm afraid it did.
Please tell Purina, I am so, so sorry.
What did you just call her?
Purina.
Why?
Seriously?
God, because she meows.
Of course you would've heard that.
Purina.
I think Clive's in love.
Well, I'll make sure to convey his sentiments to Nadia.
You better keep it down tonight, or I'm gonna send Clive back over.
Jesus, no.
Well, then turn on some music or he'll be climbing the walls again.
Okay. Music I can do.
Any requests?
Anything but big band.
You don't like big band?
I love it.
Where are you headed off to?
Oh, clearly somewhere fancy.
You never gave me the scoop on what's going on with our friends.
Did you know that our friends have been going out on double dates all week?
Well, that's good, right?
Yes. That is good.
I'm going out with them next week.
You should... you should come along.
I'd love to, but I'm heading to Ireland tomorrow.
- For a shoot? - A shoot?
Are you checking up on me?
Jillian mentioned what you do for a living.
Also, I noticed the pictures in your apartment
when my pussy was chasing your Russian.
So, Ireland?
Yes.
Shooting a bunch of coastal spots
and then I'm going into some of the smaller towns.
Nice. Bring me back a sweater.
Anything else?
Pot of gold, a shamrock.
Great. I won't have to leave the airport gift shop.
And then when you come home, I'll do a little Irish dance for you.
Nightie Girl.
Did you just offer to dance for me?
Simon, Simon, Simon, we've been over this.
I have no desire to join the harem.
And what makes you think I'd ask you to?
What makes you think you wouldn't?
Simon, is that you?
A harem-ette.
I'll watch my walls tonight.
Stop it. We're going to the movies. That's it.
- Katie. - Hey.
This is my neighbor Caroline.
Caroline, Katie.
Hi, Katie. Nice to meet you.
Really nice to meet you. Are you the one with the cat?
Guilty.
Although, Clive would argue he's an actual person.
Okay. Well, I'm off.
Simon, you have a safe trip.
Nice to meet you, Katie.
You too. Night, Caroline.
Pink Nightie Girl's pretty.
Shut it.
Tequila, Blanco, on the rocks.
How's Neil tonight?
Neil? Good, I guess.
Ryan looks great, doesn't he?
Thanks.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Cheers.
How did you get my number?
I can't reveal my sources.
So, did you have a good time tonight?
In fact I did.
On my way home now.
How's the Emerald Isle? Lonely yet?
It's beautiful actually...
...just having breakfast.
And I'm never lonely.
I believe that.
Did you buy my sweater?
Working on it,
want to get just the right one.
Yes, please give me a good one.
Not going to respond to that one.
How's that pussy of yours?
Really not gonna respond to that one.
I know what you mean. It's hard not to touch that one.
Okay, officially ending this round.
The innuendos are too thick to see straight.
Oh, I don't know, it's better when it's thick.
Wow. I'm enjoying this truce more than I expected.
I have to admit, it's good for me too.
Are you home yet?
Yep.
I'll wait 'til you're inside.
Okay, inside.
Just kicked your door, by the way.
Thanks.
Just being a good neighbor.
Good night, Caroline.
Good morning, Simon.
Did you really kick my door?
Go eat your breakfast.
Sophia's grandparents' house is available next weekend.
We're going to Tahoe, baby!
Sweet. I've been dying to get away with my girls.
We were thinking of inviting the boys.
- Is that cool? - Oh, that... that's fine.
The four of you will have a great time.
Idiot. Obviously, you're invited.
Thanks. A romantic weekend with two couples, fantastic.
Don't be an asshole. It'll be so fun.
Did you know Ryan plays guitar?
He's gonna bring it and we can sing along.
What is this, camp? No thanks.
Quit fucking asking me about Lucky Charms.
Hey, that little man cracked me up.
When are you home? We're heading to Tahoe next weekend.
Who's going?
Sophia, Mimi, me and Ryan, maybe Caroline.
You going to Tahoe?
How the hell did you hear about that already?
Word gets around. Neil is pretty excited.
Oh, I'm sure he is.
Sophia in a hot tub isn't too hard to figure out.
Wait, I thought he was dating Mimi.
Oh, he is. But he's definitely thinking about Sophia in a hot tub,
trust me.
What's this I hear about you not coming to Tahoe?
Going you with you guys here is one thing, but tagging along to Tahoe...
I do not need to hear Ryan drilling you in the next room
or Mimi getting manhandled.
Do you think he's manhandling her?
Are you actually asking if our dear friend, Mimi,
is having sex with her new boy toy?
Yes, I'm asking.
As it happens, no.
Wait, why are you asking?
You've slept with Ryan, right?
Well, gotta go.
Are you sick of green yet?
I'm ready to come home, yes.
Well, Sophia asked me to officially ask you
if you wanna come along to Tahoe.
You in?
So, I got invited to the Tahoe thing.
Are you going?
Are you?
I asked you first.
Child.
Yes, I suppose I will end up going.
Great! I love it up there.
Home tomorrow, yes?
Yep, late flight in and then sleeping for at least a day.
I'm baking zucchini bread.
I'll save some for you.
You make zucchini bread?
Yep.
Sigh...
Don't be jealous.
Motherfucking cocksucker... Shit, damn!
What's with all the screaming?
Where the hell is the shutoff valve in these apartments? Bathroom too.
Do you have a wrench?!
Yes!
Can you get it?!
Sure!
Why are you yelling?!
I don't know!
Here!
Hurray!
Watch it there.
I'm gonna get changed.
Try to stay out of trouble.
Is that...
Your zucchini bread.
So, how was Ireland?
Good times?
I always have a good time when I'm traveling.
I would love to travel like that,
living out of a suitcase, seeing the world.
Every time I visit a new beach, I bring back a little sand
as a reminder of where I was.
It takes me back instantly.
Vietnam?
Yeah. I was there a few years ago.
Mountain villages, gorgeous beaches, and the food, oh, my God.
I know this guy who makes the best noodles
right on a houseboat in the middle of H? Long Bay.
That sounds wonderful.
I hate Vietnamese food.
Do you travel much?
I try to take myself somewhere every year.
Most people don't like to travel alone.
They think they'll get lonely.
Do you ever get lonely?
I'm never lonely.
- Do you? - When I'm traveling?
Nah. I'm great company.
I'd agree with that.
Wow. Are we becoming friends?
Friends?
Yes. I think we are.
From cockblocker to friend.
Just give me a heads up
before Spanks comes over, okay, friend?
Spanks?
Katie.
Well, as it so happens, Miss Katie
is no longer a part of what you so kindly refer to as my harem.
What happened? Did you paddle her too hard?
She met someone.
So, we ended our physical relationship...
...but she's still a good friend.
I like Spanks...
I mean, Katie.
So, was she the first in the harem?
Enough with the harem business.
You make it sound so sordid.
Yes, Katie and I met in college.
We tried dating for real. It didn't work out.
She's great.
Are you sure you want to hear all of this?
I'm all ears.
I've been waiting to peel this onion
since you first knocked that picture off my wall
and clocked me in my head.
I knocked a picture off your wall?
Hey, focus up.
Give me the skinny on your ladies in waiting.
- Okay. - And spare no details.
Well, Katie and I ran into each other after college.
And we met for coffee, which turned into lunch,
which turned into drinks,
which turned into, well, bed.
She's great. How do I describe her?
She's soft.
- Soft? - Yeah.
She's all rounded edges and warm and sweet.
She's the best.
And Purina?
Nadia. Her name is Nadia.
I have a cat that says otherwise.
Nadia and I met in Prague.
She's studying for her master's in international relations.
She speaks five languages.
Did you know that?
How would I know that?
Exactly.
It's easy to make snap judgments about someone when you don't know 'em, huh?
Touché.
Lizzie and I met piss drunk in a pub in London.
She walked right up to me. She grabbed me by the collar,
just kissed me stupid, dragged me home.
That girl knows exactly what she wants.
How do they not get jealous?
Don't they want more?
No.
No. Everyone's getting exactly what they want...
...and I adore each of them.
So, you've never been in love?
I didn't say that. I...
It's just that when my life became what it is today,
most of the women don't wanna put up with a boyfriend
who's across the globe more often than home.
The girls are happy. I'm happy.
Why would I rock the boat?
The right woman for you
wouldn't want you to change anything about your life.
She wouldn't rock the boat.
She would jump right in,
sail it with you.
You're quite the romantic, aren't you?
I'm a practical romantic.
I can see the appeal in having a guy who travels a lot
because frankly, I really like my space.
I also take up the entire bed,
so it's difficult for me to sleep with anyone.
So, what about you?
Are you dating anyone?
No.
And I'm okay with that.
Is it so hard to believe that a hot, sexy woman with a great career
doesn't need a man to be happy?
Well, first of all,
good on you calling yourself hot and sexy because it's true.
And second, I'm not talking about getting married.
I'm talking about dating.
Have you ever been in love?
Yes.
James and I were together in college when I was a senior
and he was finishing up law school.
He wanted a pretty little lawyer wife
who picked up his shirts from the dry cleaners.
I really should've caught on when he referred to my career plans
as a little decorating business.
That must be the maintenance guy.
Thanks for the pipe rescue.
Hey, my pleasure.
Thanks for the bread.
You know, if another loaf happens to find its way over here...
I'll see what I can do.
Hey, where's my sweater?
You know how expensive those things are?
I want my sweater.
Well, I may have picked you up a little thanks-for-kicking-my-door present.
Friends, huh?
Yeah, it looks that way.
Caroline, you feel so good.
Simon!
There is no more zucchini bread.
I was coming over to see if you wanted to hang out.
Got an urge to watch a spooky movie.
I wish I could, but I have plans.
Tomorrow night?
Well, I'm picking the movie and I'm making dinner.
It's the least I can do for my little cockblocker.
Please stop calling me that.
Otherwise, I won't bring dessert.
Dessert?
I picked up some apples.
I've been craving pie all week.
How does that sound?
You show up with a homemade apple pie, I may not let you leave.
That would be terrible.
- Hi, James. - Hi.
Simon, this is James.
James, Simon.
Nice to meet you, James.
James, right?
I'm Simon. Simon Parker.
That's correct. James. James Brown.
I will talk to you later.
How are you at peeling apples?
Looks like the end of Scarface in here.
Get in there and grab an apple.
Now, when you said grab an apple...
...what exactly were you referring to?
You know, I won't think twice about whacking you over the head with this
if you continue this borderline sexual harassment.
What are you gonna do with that?
Oh, with this?
I'm just gonna roll this crust out.
See...
...like this.
Apples...
...apples, you're gonna peel me some apples.
Let me just get you that peeler.
Peeling apples, just peeling apples,
didn't feel your boobs.
No, no, not me.
Did you just sniff me?
I might've.
So, how do I rate?
Good.
Very good actually.
Downy?
Bounce.
I lost my Downy ball.
Explain yourself, please.
I needed something to clean my hands with.
Get over there handsy and behave.
Open up.
Good for you.
Good for me.
Sweet, sweet, Caroline.
Hey, Mimi.
What are you up to tonight?
I'm having dinner with Simon.
Should I put this in the oven?
Not yet. I still have to brush it with a little cream.
What are you brushing with cream?
Reynolds, are you baking pies with your neighbor?
Are you naked?
Hanging up now.
Don't burn your pie.
This feels damp.
It's more than damp. It's wet.
Simon, I am so sorry.
He did, didn't he?
He's got this thing about marking his territory.
I am so, so sorry.
It's okay, Caroline. I've had worse things happen to me.
- It's all good. - I am so sorry.
If you say sorry one more time,
I'm gonna go find something of yours and pee on it.
I swear.
You're gonna have to scooch over there, sister.
So, what are we watching?
The Exorcist.
Are you freaking kidding me?
Don't be a wuss. You're watching it.
Okay. I'm not a wuss, but there is stupid and not stupid,
and stupid is watching The Exorcist with the lights off.
Okay. Well, I'll make you a deal.
- Lights off, but... - How
if you get too scared, lights go back on.
Deal?
Fine.
I hate you for making me watch this.
Do you want me to stop it?
I... I don't want you to have nightmares.
Just no banging on the walls for a few nights.
Have you heard any banging lately?
No.
Why is that?
You want some blanket?
No. No. I can take it like a man.
You stay under there though.
Guess which finger this is?
Movie.
Are you okay?
Get your ass over here, you motherfucking scary movie pusher!
I brought pie.
And this.
So I gotta ask.
James Brown?
I'm impressed you held it in as long as you did.
Seriously, who is this guy?
A new client and old boyfriend.
Wait, the lawyer?
How's that gonna work?
We'll see.
I don't like him.
You don't even know him.
I just don't.
You're just a stinky boy.
I don't stink.
I'm coming into the nook.
Well, hello, there.
Friends can nook, can't they?
Sure.
But are we friends who can?
I can handle it.
You?
I can handle it.
Just nook me, Simon.
I love this afghan.
It was my mom's.
Caroline.
Clive.
Stop it, you asshole.
Oh, Wallbanger.
You sure can fill a bed.
If we're gonna do this again,
we're gonna have to lay out some ground rules...
...and roses.
Obviously.
When are you headed up to Tahoe?
I'm gonna rent a car and drive up Friday afternoon.
Don't rent a car.
I'll swing by and pick you up after my shoot.
Let's make coffee.
Hey.
- Hi, Caroline. - Hey.
Hey.
- Get in here. - Okay.
- Stop. - The water's fine.
Is this a wallbanger?
You're as good as I knew you'd be.
I wish I could retire here.
To things staring you in the face.
So, what are we doing this weekend?
We were thinking about going on a hike tomorrow.
- Who's in? - The last time I hiked,
I took quite a spill and sprained my wrist.
I can't risk it during the season.
How about you, Tiny?
Mimi doesn't hike.
Yeah, what about you? You gonna take a pass?
Hell, no. I'm hiking.
Hey, Ryan, did you know that Mimi here
gives to your charity every year?
- You do? - Yep.
I've seen what access to computers can do for kids
who wouldn't otherwise have the opportunity.
Hey, Neil, how many seats did you get for the symphony this year?
You bought tickets?
Season tickets.
I actually find the symphony quite elegant and beautiful.
I literally could not feel more cozy right now
if I were actually inside a marshmallow.
Where are we all sleeping?
How many rooms are we talking?
Four.
So... take your pick.
Well, don't let Caroline and me stand in the way of the lovebirds.
We'll take the rooms that are left over.
Right, Caroline?
It sounds perfect to me.
Look at that, sharing a bedroom wall once again.
Night, Simon.
It's beautiful.
It is beautiful.
Very beautiful.
Hi.
Hey, Parker.
Neil's done.
I think I'm dying.
Could you get my inhaler?
All right.
I thought you were an athlete.
I think it's the altitude.
Come on, big guy.
I'll try.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
That paella was amazing.
You're a great chef, Caroline.
Okay, Caroline. Truth or dare?
Truth.
What's the one place you've been dying to go to but haven't been?
Spain.
Spain?
Aren't you going to Spain next month?
Yeah.
Caroline, you can just go with him.
Ryan, you're next.
Okay. First of all, I can't just go with Simon to Spain.
And second of all, it's my turn.
Actually, you could just go with Simon to Spain.
No, can't,
because you're working, and I don't think I can take all that time off.
I heard Jillian telling you to take your vacation before the holidays.
Well, be that as it may, I can't afford it.
- Now, who should I pick? - It wouldn't be that expensive.
I'm renting a house,
so airfare and spending money are all you'd have to cover.
It sounds like a pretty good deal.
Mimi...
...truth or dare?
- Dare. - I dare you to kiss Neil.
I don't do public displays.
Oh, come on.
What's the big deal?
Come here, Tiny.
No, no, no, no!
That's not what was supposed to happen.
- You were not supposed to let her... - Okay.
...kiss him, and you were supposed to get mad at her.
Why would I be mad at Mimi for kissing her boyfriend?
Mimi, are you even remotely interested in Neil?
Neil is exactly what I've always wanted in a man.
Okay. Blah, blah, blah.
Have you guys had sex yet?
Anybody with eyes can see
the way that you and Ryan feel about each other.
Okay. I think you've made your point.
Neil. Neil, look at Sophia.
Can you not see that she is totally into you?
God.
Are Simon and I the only ones that can see clearly around here?
Dude.
Dude?
Dude.
Sophia, truth or dare?
It's happening. It's happening.
Dare.
I dare you to kiss me.
Wanna go up to my room?
Sure.
- Come on. - Yeah.
Let's...
I guess we'll call it a night.
Well, that was a fine bit of matchmaking.
Although, your bull in a china shop delivery left a lot to be desired.
Yeah, I usually leave a lot to be desired.
You leave everything to be desired.
You know, I never really got that phrase.
Does that mean I am desirable or...
You know exactly what it means.
Why did you kiss me that night, at the party?
Because I had to.
Are you sure about this?
Let's bang some walls.
Come into my Tahoe, Simon.
What?
Come into your what?
What's wrong?
You're amazing, Caroline. But I... I can't.
You... you can't?
Oh.
Wow. Okay.
Well, don't I feel like an idiot?
- No, no, Caroline. I... - No.
- I can't. - No, no, no, it's cool.
It's cool. I get it.
You can't.
Wow.
What a crazy night.
Yeah?
Caroline!
Oh, Ryan!
Hi, James.
- Yeah. - Want some pancakes?
- You sleep well? - I slept great.
How much syrup?
You're all the syrup I need.
Is there any more creamer for the coffee?
Oh, I have your creamer right here, honey bunch.
Thank you.
Caroline!
Hey!
Oh, yeah?
- That's good. - Yeah, it is.
So, I was thinking...
- Yeah. - ...I would...
- You got them? - I got it.
Okay.
Thank you.
Good to go.
Hey, Caroline, can we talk, please?
So last night. Came really close to making a very big mistake.
Obviously, I'm attracted to you.
You're amazing.
But you were drunk, I was drunk.
And as great as it would have been...
...it would've changed things...
...and I just can't.
It's cool.
I know you have your arrangement...
...and I can't.
Are we still friends?
Of course.
What else would we be?
Oh, I have something for you.
It's perfect.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
And now, it's weird and we haven't spoken all week.
And tonight, I'm going out with James,
which I clearly agreed to because of what happened with Simon. But...
...maybe that's the best thing to do because Simon doesn't want me.
As long as I've known Simon, I have never heard of him inviting someone on a shoot.
He invited you to Spain.
Well, who knows if I'm even invited anymore.
You're still friends, right?
Why don't you just ask him?
Nadia? Hey.
Yeah, I'd love to.
Should we go to the place with the patio?
See you there.
Hey, Caroline. I was just...
I was just...
Where are you crazy kids off to tonight?
Lovely little Vietnamese restaurant for dinner.
Have a good night.
Now...
Wine?
I am so glad.
I needed that decorator.
Okay, no. Just get up.
Get up.
Are you serious?
Okay. Just... Just go!
Okay? Go!
What are you doing here?
I heard you and James, I wanted to make sure you were okay.
Oh, you're not here to "rescue" me, are you?
Because I don't need a man to rescue me.
What the hell is it with men?
I've got one who wants me back
and then one who doesn't want anything to do with me.
I've got one who wants to be my boyfriend,
but can't even remember that I'm an interior designer.
A designer, not a fucking decorator.
And you know what? You shouldn't force someone to eat Vietnamese food
if they don't like Vietnamese food. Should you?
I shouldn't have to eat that, should I, Simon?
No. No. I don't think you should, Caroline.
No. No. Of course, I shouldn't.
So, I got fried rice.
I got fried rice, Simon.
I am never eating Vietnamese food ever again.
Not for James, not for you, not for anyone.
And for your information,
I did not need a rescue tonight.
Okay? I took care of it myself.
He's gone.
He isn't a bad guy. He just...
...he just isn't the right guy for me.
Hello? Crying girl down here.
Why didn't you play music this week?
I missed it.
I missed you.
How's Nadia?
I heard you on the phone earlier.
It sounded like you were making plans.
She and I met for drinks to say goodbye.
She's going back to Moscow.
Wow.
Only the Giggler left.
Lizzie and I are just gonna be friends from now on.
What used to work for me, just...
...doesn't work anymore.
I see you are not at all broken up by this.
You want the truth?
I could go for some truth.
I'm glad that you broke things off with Lizzie.
You are, are you?
Yes.
Why did you?
Okay. Truth...
I broke it off with Lizzie because...
I didn't wanna be with her anymore...
...with any other women.
The truth is...
I can't stop thinking about you.
I've been thinking about you since the night you banged on my door.
Truth...
I want you in Spain.
Come to Spain with me.
Wow.
Oh, my.
Wow.
No pressure.
So, where are you sleeping?
I don't wanna screw this up.
I like that we're taking things slow.
That you're wooing me.
- Wooing? - Yeah.
You wooed me all the way to Spain.
Major woo points.
You give good woo.
I give good woo?
Shut up.
Gracias.
This was such a great date.
It couldn't have been more perfect.
Was this a date?
Relax. I know what you mean.
It's just funny to call this a date, no?
You know, this might even be our first date, if we wanted to get technical.
What would happen next?
I would suppose
there would be another date.
Maybe another one after that.
And bases, right?
I mean I'd be expected to round some bases, right?
Oh.
Yeah. Like copping a feel over the shirt,
- under the shirt, those kind of bases? - Yes.
And as a gentleman who apparently gives good woo...
...what am I allowed?
I think you could plan on a little under-the-shirt action,
if you were so inclined.
To under-the-shirt action.
Something smells good in here.
Take this off.
Caroline.
I ate your paella once...
...in Tahoe...
...and then I acted like an ass.
You did.
Jesus, that night, I...
...don't know why I stopped us.
I think I just knew that...
Knew that?
I knew that with you,
it would be an all-or-nothing kinda thing.
All?
I need all of you, Caroline.
I'm glad we waited.
Me, too.
But I can't wait any longer.
Thank God.
There's my Pink Nightie Girl.
So there are some things I need you to understand.
One, you're amazing.
Two, you're amazingly sexy.
And three, as sexy as this pink nightie is...
...the only thing I wanna see the rest of the night...
...is my sweet Caroline.
Simon.
Please. I need you inside of me.
Hi.
Caroline, look at me, please.
Sweet Caroline.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Got a little lonely.
Big bed, no Caroline. Where'd you go?
I just needed to get moving.
Come shower with me.
I can't. The car's coming for me at 10:00.
Okay.
Are you glad you came?
Yeah. Yeah.
This... this trip was amazing.
What time does your flight get in tomorrow?
Really late.
Should I call you?
Yes. Call me whatever time you get in, okay?
Stupid Cory.
Pizza...
I'm sorry.
Hi there, Clive.
Hi, my baby.
How you doing?
Come here.
Coming.
Simon.
Caroline.
Are you gonna tell me why you faked it?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Are you delirious from the time change?
Come on.
If we're gonna do this, we need to be able to talk to each other.
What was that gonna be?
Brioche.
I bet it would've been good.
Well, it's a lot of work.
It's almost too much.
We could try it again.
I'd be glad to help.
Do you have any idea how long that might take?
How complicated that is?
Good things come to those who wait.
You have no idea.
I want this so badly, probably even more than you.
They make croutons out of it, right?
- Wait, what? - The bread.
You got to tell me what's going on.
How did you know?
Because all of a sudden...
...you weren't my Caroline.
I faked it because...
I haven't had an orgasm
in 1,000 years.
Come again?
I'm going across the hall to kick your door now.
An orgasm.
Okay?
Climax, the Big O, the happy ending.
No orgasms for this Nightie Girl.
You know, Cory Weinstein can give me a 5% discount
whenever I want, but in return, he took my O.
So, you can go back to your harem
and I will be entering the convent soon.
Get your dramatic ass over here.
You are so great.
And you're so good in bed and everywhere else.
And God, you came home and I killed my brioche
and I... and I think I love you.
I'm a bit jet-lagged.
So a quick recap if I could.
One... you seem to have lost your orgasm, yes?
And two...
...brioche is really hard to make, yes?
And three...
...you think you love me?
Yes.
You think or you know?
I know.
You have no idea, do you?
No idea about what?
How thoroughly you own me, Nightie Girl.
I know I love you
enough to want you to have your happy ending.
An O has been lost, and I am a sucker for a challenge.
It's not gonna be easy.
She's pretty lost.
I'm done with easy.
Who tied this knot, Popeye?
Screw the apron.
I fucking love you, Simon.
I love you too, Nightie Girl.
You gonna bang my walls, Simon?
You have no idea.
Hi.
Come on.
Oh, yes, please.
- I tell you. - Cheers.
Cheers.
- Oh. - I want some more.
- Yeah. - Oh, my God.
- Sauce? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah, smells okay.
What was that for?
It worked out well.
Subletting your apartment to me was the best decision you ever made.
I don't know.
Jillian giving me your number so I could text you from Ireland,
that might be the best decision she's ever made.
Oh, well, I don't know,
because pretending that I didn't know
your mysterious neighbor
was a damn good decision too.
You've never even been to my place.
But I have.
Who knew that amidst the pulsating chaos of San Francisco nights,
I would find my rhythm again?
Yes, my story began with a missing O and a very noisy neighbor.
But like all great tales,
it wasn't really about the beginning or the mystery.
No one else gets this nook.
This nook is spoken for.
It wasn't about reclaiming what was lost,
but about understanding its true value.
And it's not just about pleasure, but the connection,
understanding, and love that comes with it.