1 00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:04,640 The following programme contains strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:13,320 (MUFFLED SINGING) (TENSE MUSIC) 3 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,960 (SINGING) 4 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:25,079 Right, come on. 5 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:27,120 You are officially legless. 6 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:29,959 Watch your head. ♪ Tree in the hole 7 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,519 ♪ And the hole in the bog 8 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:35,959 ♪ And the bog down to the valley-o ♪ 9 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:37,919 (CAR HORN HONKS) Ah, no! 10 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:40,280 (LAUGHS) One more, one more - on the way. - No. 11 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:45,560 (BIRD CHIRPS) 12 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:49,879 ♪ And the branch on the tree 13 00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:51,039 ♪ Tree in the hole 14 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:52,999 ♪ And the ball in the dog 15 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,559 ♪ And we jog down to the valley-o ♪ 16 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:59,400 MAN (ON RADIO): ...it's two minutes to midnight... 17 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:06,000 (TENSE MUSIC) (DRONING) 18 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,120 (RADIO CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND) 19 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:11,920 (OMINOUS MUSIC) 20 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,280 (DRONING) 21 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:33,319 (TYRES SCREECH) 22 00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:35,720 (CRASH/CAR HORN SOUNDING) 23 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:48,960 (THEME MUSIC) 24 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:04,000 ♪ It all happened by accident 25 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:10,280 ♪ Bodies without names, intersecting planes 26 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:16,440 ♪ Of their stranger vector veins 27 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:22,919 ♪ Europe is incontinent 28 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:25,000 ♪ But Phillip's still alive ♪ 29 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:50,679 I will use this stick 30 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,679 and others like it 31 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,279 to defend my crops, 32 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:56,679 but first we must whittle. 33 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,519 Oh, God.(JUNIOR JOSH CHUCKLES) This is not good. 34 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,359 'Whittle away, my villagers!' 35 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:02,720 Whittling? (CHUCKLES) 36 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:07,239 Whittle away for the whinter is whet and whindy. 37 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,559 Is this- Is the final cut? 38 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:11,200 'Whittle away.' 39 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,359 Halt! Who goes there? 40 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,800 I am Celt! 41 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:23,039 Is this the guy whose wife is in prison for stabbing someone? 42 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:24,639 She sporked a banker. 43 00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:26,999 Had she just watched this show? 44 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:30,199 (LAUGHING) I think the music works. 45 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:32,599 Thank you, Josh. Shame about the rest of it. 46 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,159 Shut up, Josh. (CONFERENCE PHONE RINGING) 47 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,760 Chet might like it. (You're gonna get fired.) 48 00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:41,399 Lame of Thrones. 49 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,479 (EVERYONE LAUGHS) 50 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:46,559 Good one, sir. This show is a mess. 51 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,439 - It's a mess. - OK. 52 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:51,079 So we'll make a few tweaks in subsequent seasons. 53 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:54,079 - Seasons? - You wanna make people watch more of this shit? 54 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,199 At one point I booed. 55 00:03:56,200 --> 00:04:00,319 Yeah. You made me boo our own show, Wendy. 56 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:04,439 I did this with zero help, Brad undermined me throughout... 57 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,759 What? ...Linda just went AWOL, 58 00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:09,399 and Josh is... 59 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,039 practically blind. 60 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:14,119 Woah, that's crossing a line, now. What? 61 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,199 Josh is blind. 62 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,079 Don't be ridiculous, he's not blind. 63 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:19,679 Err, yes, sir, I am blind. (SCOFFS) 64 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:21,239 When did you get blind? 65 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,919 I have been blind since birth. 66 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:26,719 - That's right. - The glasses are usually the giveaway. 67 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:29,919 You're a blind television executive? 68 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:33,999 Our most talented division heads got promoted after the merger, sir. 69 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,639 And your division was..? 70 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:38,199 Podcasts. 71 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,359 You're doing a great job. 72 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:45,279 So, I Am Celt will have its world premiere in Ireland next week. 73 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:47,279 I cannot wait. Wendy, 74 00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:50,319 you go and introduce this show in your homeland, 75 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:51,599 handle the press, 76 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:53,919 we'll decide what to do with you when you return. 77 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:57,160 Can anyone else hear a sitar? 78 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:01,639 I gotta go, it's too damn hot 79 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:04,199 in this office. 80 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,799 Pack your bags, Wendy. 81 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,599 (UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC) 82 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:10,960 ♪ DEAN MARTIN & HELEN O'CONNELL: How D'Ya Like Your Eggs In The Morning 83 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:16,879 ♪ How do you like your eggs in the morning? 84 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:20,039 ♪ I like mine with a kiss 85 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:21,679 ♪ Boiled or fried? 86 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:27,039 ♪ I'm satisfied as long as I get my kiss... 87 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:28,399 Thank you, ladies. 88 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,640 (KNOCKING) 89 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:32,559 Seamie? 90 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,519 Seamie, are you awake there? Aye. 91 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:37,759 I have something for you. 92 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:41,439 Don't drop eggs on me again, Barry. No, it came for you this morning. 93 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:42,880 Oh. 94 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:45,360 (SIGHS) 95 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:53,199 Is it about your doctor's licence? No, no, that's all sorted. 96 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:56,079 I go back to work today for better or worse. 97 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:57,920 Well, I'll get these eggs on, so. 98 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,240 Barry? 99 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,359 It seems I'm a single man again. 100 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:09,680 Look at us, the bachelor boys. 101 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,360 (UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC) 102 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:14,919 (SIGHS) 103 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:18,520 (INDISTINCT CHATTER ON THE RADIO) For the new stout taps. 104 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:29,440 (DOOR CLOSES) 105 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:36,960 Holy shit cakes. 106 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:47,640 (LAUGHS) 107 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:51,960 Jesus, that's hot tea. 108 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:58,199 He's back, like a migraine. 109 00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,599 You signed it then? 110 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:00,719 Aye. 111 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,799 I'm late for school, Seamie, and you could've texted that. 112 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,919 My suspension's been lifted so I'm back to work. 113 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:10,279 Well, Sonny'll be thrilled, not too sure about the patients 114 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:14,039 though, they all loved that Locum, Dr Perky-tits. 115 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,839 Well, I'm pleased to be back myself. Aye, 116 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:18,679 well you look like shit. 117 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,999 Does it not agree with you, sleeping in a dead woman's bed? 118 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,519 She's not still in it with me, Catherine. 119 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:26,919 Well, between the tales of alien abduction 120 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:29,679 and the offer to share a deathbed up at the sheep farm 121 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:33,679 I'd say you're pretty much the pussy magnet around town. 122 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:37,079 I don't think I've ever heard you say pussy before 123 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,879 and if I'm honest it seems a bit weird. 124 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,479 So now my pussy is weird? 125 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,079 I'm not saying your pussy is- 126 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:45,600 Stop saying pussy! 127 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:48,839 Please! 128 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:51,679 Either of you saying pussy is weird! 129 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,119 Joanne, 130 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:56,039 thought you were inside. Nope, I'm right here, 131 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,879 haven't missed a word right up until mum's weird pussy! 132 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,960 Yeah, I do not have a weird pussy! Of course you don't! 133 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,640 You have... 134 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,559 ...just a typical pussy. 135 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:16,120 Fuck my life! 136 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:23,159 Hey, I'll catch you later, Jo-Jo, 137 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,640 I'm back at the surgery now so. OK. 138 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,240 What's keeping you? 139 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,479 A typical pussy? 140 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,959 (I meant to say tropical.) 141 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,200 (SIGHS) 142 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,120 Get in the car, Matt. 143 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:55,999 ♪ The old hometown looks the same 144 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,800 ♪ As I step down from the train... 145 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:03,559 This is my first premiere. (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) 146 00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:05,679 Cool. 147 00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:08,479 I'm going to introduce the first episode, 148 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:11,600 bow my head and go and drink myself into oblivion. 149 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:17,160 Gotcha. 150 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,600 Is the show not everything you'd hoped for? 151 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:29,079 The caterers wanna take their name off the credits. 152 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:31,120 The caterers. 153 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:35,119 (SIGHS) 154 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:36,880 Could I pivot into real estate? 155 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,759 Yeah, the Locum asked me to put that up. 156 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:56,999 (SIGHS) 157 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,999 She was a hard lady to say no to. 158 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,079 Ah, we'll leave it up, 159 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:04,239 at least it covers that weird stain that looks a bit like Bono. 160 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,999 (LAUGHS) Yeah, that was my thinking too. 161 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:10,159 Hey, it's good to be back, son. 162 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,039 The Proctor doctors together again. 163 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:14,639 Yeah, that's not what we are. 164 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:16,439 (SIGHS) Look, 165 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:20,159 I know life has been unusual lately 166 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,199 but the whole thing, it's really given me a lot of time to think. 167 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:27,400 Which thing, the abduction, the suspension or the separation? 168 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:33,959 I wanna take you under my wing, like my own Dad did with me. 169 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:36,359 I- I can't just play doctor, Dad. 170 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:39,999 Of course you can! Most things these days are sepsis. 171 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,879 Look, there's no way around it, finish your studies 172 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,479 and we'll be flying, eh? 173 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,719 Doctor and son, Proctor and Proctor- 174 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:49,479 I'm not going back to medical school. 175 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:50,639 Of course you are, 176 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:53,599 people drop out of college and re-enrol all the time. 177 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:56,519 I didn't drop out, OK? 178 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:59,439 They kicked me out 179 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:02,479 for cheating on a paper. 180 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:07,160 I thought ChatGPT stood for General Practitioner Tips. 181 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:11,799 Did you really think that? No, Dad. 182 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:12,960 (SIGHS) 183 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,759 I couldn't keep up. 184 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,880 You got caught cheating? 185 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,479 At least I took after one of you. 186 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,199 (SIGHS) 187 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,120 (PHONE RINGS) 188 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,120 Ah, son. 189 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:47,559 The town is buzzing. 190 00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:50,559 The committee's acting like we're hosting the feckin' Olympics. 191 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:53,159 (URGENT MUTTERING) 192 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:54,319 How've you been? 193 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:57,120 Yeah, grand. It's been quiet enough without you. 194 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,639 How's your Dad? 195 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,479 Up and down. 196 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,879 It's my Mam's 10-year anniversary soon 197 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:06,519 and I think he's feeling it. 198 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:09,559 Shelly, promise me something just in case I don't come back. 199 00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:13,039 And why wouldn't you come back? Don't rely on people. 200 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,439 No, not even my people? 201 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:16,880 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 202 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:19,640 Yeah, there it is. (GASPS) 203 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,439 Rely on yourself 204 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:26,799 and even then keep your expectations low. 205 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,440 (CHUCKLES) 206 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,799 Wendy? I have Shirley from Showbiz Weekly here. 207 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:33,879 Oh, God. 208 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:35,519 Miss Patterson? 209 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:36,560 That's me! 210 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,879 Oh, super cute. 211 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:41,640 (You're gonna need supplies.) 212 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:47,479 In the pantheon of the Tudors, Vikings, Game of Thrones, 213 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:51,200 another epic show shot in Ireland, where does I Am Celt sit? 214 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,679 It has really good music. 215 00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:57,239 OK. 216 00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:00,079 And should audiences expect another Irish entrant 217 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,919 into the golden age of television? 218 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:04,800 The Bronze Age maybe. 219 00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:09,879 I wonder if we should take advantage of the local colour 220 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:12,479 we have with us here. That is a wonderful idea. 221 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,080 I am going to grab some fresh air. 222 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,639 Have you found that I Am Celt coming to film in your village 223 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:25,280 has led to an easing of the Catholic-Protestant divide? 224 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,719 I was brought up Catholic 225 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:37,200 but I seen my Mammy use the holy water to boil an egg once. 226 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:44,959 I'm a Protestant but sure I've half forgotten what I'm protesting about. 227 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:46,679 Now, um... 228 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:51,479 that Science-tology, that seems very interesting to me. 229 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,479 That is super fun, actually. 230 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:55,560 (TIN WHISTLE PLAYING) 231 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,199 Dad! 232 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,120 What the fuck are you at? 233 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,840 Dad, what were you doing on the roof? 234 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:18,519 I was waiting 235 00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:20,599 for them. 236 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,719 Were you... 237 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:24,359 (SCOFFS) 238 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,480 I can't believe I'm actually gonna say this. 239 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,400 Dad, were you abducted by aliens? 240 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:38,519 Jesus fuck, you were and all. 241 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:41,079 Well, then, why didn't you say - anything? - Who'd believe me? 242 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:42,160 I would. 243 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,920 I'm your daughter. 244 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,399 When were you... 245 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,239 ...taken? 246 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:58,040 It was a few months after your mother passed. 247 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,800 I just haven't been the same since. 248 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,159 I thought you were just grieving. 249 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:08,079 Grieving? 250 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,079 What, for 10 years? Aye. 251 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:11,160 About your mother? 252 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:17,919 Well, go on, then, what was it like up there? 253 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,319 Oh come on, tell me, Da. 254 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:25,920 It was absolutely glorious, yeah. 255 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:33,480 It's hard being back here after. 256 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:39,959 So all this time you've been up in your room 257 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:43,240 trying to figure out how to go back with your alien friends? 258 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:46,839 What about me? 259 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:50,079 You can come too if you like. 260 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,200 Who'd stock the soda tonic fridge? 261 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,320 You're an incredible girl, Shelly. 262 00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,520 I probably haven't told you that enough. 263 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,240 This'll be the first time. 264 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,519 I got your text. What's the emergency? 265 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,959 I've just been missing a little something. 266 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,239 I'm always losing stuff, did you find it? 267 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,559 Look, I'm horny... 268 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:38,439 (DOOR CLOSES) ...you stupid, sexy man. 269 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:41,279 Oh come on, Matt, we haven't done it in here in ages. 270 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:42,519 For good reason. 271 00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:45,799 We don't need to be having stressful sexy time anymore. 272 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,639 - Stressful? - Sneaking around, terrified we'll get caught. 273 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,239 Yeah, but isn't that part of the fun? 274 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,439 What's more fun is making slow, 275 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:57,519 sweet love in an actual bed 276 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:01,120 with your very untypical pussy. 277 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,320 (UPBEAT MUSIC) 278 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,920 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 279 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:26,119 (UNDER HER BREATH) Why are you dressed in character? 280 00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,439 (UNDER HIS BREATH) I thought that's what you did. 281 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,759 (UNDER HER BREATH) You're so funny. 282 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:31,800 Oh! 283 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,320 (PHOTOGRAPHERS SHOUTING) 284 00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:46,800 I was just wondering if you've had any feedback about my hair. 285 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,559 Your hair? Well, Brigid's hair. 286 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,959 Oh. 287 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,800 Yeah, they like it on your head. 288 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:05,159 I've asked around and it feels like you're the lady in the know, 289 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:08,040 does production have an official oil supplier? 290 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:11,959 No, not an official one. Yeah. 291 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,719 Any word on a second series, boss? 292 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,879 Not yet, but we're gonna learn a lot more after the audience sees it. 293 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,759 Yeah. They're nearly ready to go, Wendy. 294 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:21,239 Why won't they let us go? 295 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:25,200 You still good to introduce? Yeah, just give me a second. 296 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:31,240 I can't breathe. 297 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,400 I take it the bingo's been cancelled? 298 00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:42,760 I hope you're not planning showbiz premieres here every week now. 299 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:45,879 I absolutely am not. 300 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:49,160 WOMAN: Five minutes till showtime, ladies and gentlemen! 301 00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:52,440 I heard you're getting a divorce. (SIGHS) 302 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:55,640 I'm sorry about that. 303 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,680 Don't be. 304 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:01,999 And thank you, 305 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:05,879 it's not your fault anyway, you know, I blame the aliens. 306 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:07,600 (SCOFFS) I do that all the time. 307 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,680 Relationships are tricky. 308 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:17,639 It's hard to trust someone else when you don't trust yourself. 309 00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:19,359 Aye. 310 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:20,520 (THUNDER RUMBLING) 311 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,040 Seamie, tell him what happened. 312 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:30,159 (SIGHS) My visiting daughter seems to think 313 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:32,639 you were both abducted by aliens! 314 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:35,120 Now what do you think of that, young Proctor? 315 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:40,760 I don't know what she's talking about. 316 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,999 I think I've tried to build a whole life around 317 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:52,199 trying to be a better man than I was that night. 318 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,080 It's getting late, I'd better be off. 319 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:59,479 It's a pretty low bar. (LAUGHS) 320 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:02,280 See you around, Wendy. Happy New Year! 321 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,999 You never got married yourself, no? 322 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,920 I guess I never found - the right dress. - Aye. 323 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,319 Staying around for long? 324 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,359 No. 325 00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:24,559 No? 326 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:25,879 Well, 327 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,999 you might be back next year. 328 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,919 Isn't that what happens with the TV? 329 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:36,719 Yeah, sometimes, but with this show I would be very surprised. 330 00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:40,639 More surprised than seeing an alpaca on a spaceship? 331 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,119 What did you say, Pubba? 332 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:43,719 I've been tracking them. 333 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,800 (GRUNTS) 334 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,919 They like it here. 335 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,199 Is that Betty Battles' purse? 336 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,039 Oh, it's nothing dodgy, trust me, no. 337 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:57,319 I nicked it out of her coffin, you see. 338 00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,079 Sounds a bit dodgy. 339 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,759 If you come back to my place 340 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,919 I will show you something pretty cool. 341 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:08,239 That definitely sounds dodgy. 342 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,200 They're feckin' back, lads. 343 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,959 We're ready for you, Wendy. 344 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,520 Lights are down, audience are half cut. 345 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:33,159 Err, I'm putting you in charge. 346 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:37,199 Wait, you really believe in me that much? 347 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:38,480 Sure! 348 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:40,799 (DEEP BREATH) 349 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:42,799 I won't let you down. 350 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,160 Sounds good, I'll be at the pub. 351 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:47,640 Come, come. 352 00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:52,040 (CROWD MURMURING) 353 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,079 How's everything at home? 354 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:03,599 Great, sister and baby - are doing well. - Oh. 355 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:08,319 Wife gets out of prison next week, so that's... 356 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:09,480 exciting. 357 00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:12,480 (Very.) 358 00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:18,360 So when you see her in person you can tell her I'm pregnant. 359 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:22,119 I'm only joking! (SIGHS) 360 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:23,759 You big dumb lug. 361 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,160 (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) 362 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,280 (MURMURING DIES DOWN) 363 00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:32,480 (TAPS MIC) (BLOWS) 364 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:36,159 Err... (FEEDBACK FROM THE MIC) 365 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:37,239 Hello. 366 00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:38,280 ALL: Hello. 367 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:42,839 When we looked for a place to make this show... 368 00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:44,079 (FEEDBACK FROM THE MIC) 369 00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:47,239 ...we knew we needed somewhere really special, 370 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:52,279 somewhere with character, heart, 371 00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:54,119 parking... (AUDIENCE LAUGH) 372 00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:57,479 ...broadband, not too many electricity poles. 373 00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:00,679 (AUDIENCE LAUGH) That was a big one. 374 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,239 MAN: Boring! 375 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,479 Point being, 376 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,719 we found all that and more in Drumban. 377 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,720 (AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE) 378 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:14,799 We may have made the show 379 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:18,159 but you... you made it special. 380 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:19,719 (AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE) 381 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,919 It might be called I Am Celt 382 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:26,960 but truly we all am C- (MURMURS FROM THE AUDIENCE) 383 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:30,519 We... 384 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:34,399 We Am All Celt! 385 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,799 No. We... 386 00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:38,799 Is All Celt. 387 00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:41,639 It's starting, it's starting. 388 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,119 Alright, err, enjoy the show! 389 00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:46,120 (AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE) 390 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,200 Please... (INDISTINCT CHATTER ON RADIO) 391 00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:01,880 Yeah, it's not dodgy at all. Oh, thank you. 392 00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:07,240 This is what I've been working on. 393 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:13,519 What's with all the marks? Dead birds, 394 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,120 electrical interference, sightings. 395 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:19,399 Where were you taken? 396 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:22,199 In the woods, around here. 397 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:23,680 What were you doing there? 398 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:26,480 (FIREWORKS EXPLODE) 399 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:29,880 Teenage stuff. Yeah. 400 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,440 Any details could be important. 401 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,079 Well, um... 402 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,279 I was approaching second base. 403 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:42,959 Attempting. 404 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,359 Not approaching. OK. 405 00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:45,759 But I think that's moot, 406 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:49,119 unless we think they're some sort of space perverts or something. 407 00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:50,480 I don't know what they are. 408 00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:53,880 Wait a minute. 409 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:58,959 Do you see what's in the middle of all this? 410 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:00,640 Can I have a pen? 411 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:03,240 There. 412 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:17,760 There, my home. 413 00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:22,719 They're circling my home. 414 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:24,399 Why would they do that? 415 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,319 Something tells me they're coming back 416 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:29,760 and that something is glowing like a bastard. 417 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:32,920 I have to warn my wife. 418 00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:36,159 Ex-wife. 419 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,159 Right, that's right. 420 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:39,200 (DOOR CLOSES) 421 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,720 Oh, I'll grab my tin whistle. 422 00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:50,200 (THUNDER RUMBLES) (GEESE QUACK) 423 00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:59,600 The skies are mocking me. 424 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:02,399 It's cloudy. 425 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:03,600 (AUDIENCE LAUGH) 426 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:09,999 Even the clouds mock An Dagda. 427 00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:11,520 (AUDIENCE LAUGH) 428 00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:15,239 (CHUCKLES) 429 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,119 Mock me not! 430 00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:18,599 Fluff beasts! 431 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:20,080 (AUDIENCE LAUGH) 432 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:27,239 At least they're not booing. 433 00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:30,519 I Am... 434 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:35,319 Celt! (THUNDER RUMBLES) 435 00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:38,040 (AUDIENCE LAUGH) 436 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,199 Psst! 437 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:42,999 Is it supposed to be funny? 438 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:45,799 I- I think it's genre fluid. 439 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:47,239 Where's Miss Patterson? 440 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:49,799 She may have mentioned needing a drink. 441 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:51,759 Are you OK? Yeah, yeah, cool, cool, 442 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:53,799 I think I've overdone it on the protein shakes. 443 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:56,120 Right, OK. (AUDIENCE CONTINUE LAUGHING) 444 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,759 (CLEARS THROAT) Shelly? 445 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:15,719 I was hoping to talk to you about something cool. 446 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:18,479 Urgh, tell me you've fixed the soda tonic fridge in the shed. 447 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:20,799 Oh, I've got something a bit better than tonic water 448 00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:23,919 and it's been bottled up a lot longer. 449 00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:26,399 Lilt? Who drinks Lilt? 450 00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:30,519 No, I mean feelings is the thing I have. 451 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:31,959 What are you talking about? 452 00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:35,439 Look, I know this is coming out of nowhere, Shell, 453 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:39,679 but you're the real reason that I haven't left Drumban, 454 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:43,119 because I have... 455 00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:46,120 feelings for you. 456 00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:49,040 Well, yeah. 457 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:53,119 You knew? 458 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:55,359 How could I not know? (SIGHS) 459 00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:58,159 Jesus, Sonny, you're not exactly subtle. 460 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:00,879 Once you wrote, "Love me" in your leftover chips. 461 00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:04,039 (LAUGHS) What? Did I? 462 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:05,080 Did that work? 463 00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:10,839 Has anyone seen Miss Patterson? I need to ask her about the show. 464 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,959 She left with my Dad 465 00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:15,559 and her Dad. She left with our Dads. 466 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:17,719 Hey, why didn't you tell me my Dad left? 467 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:20,879 Because I was building up to telling you that I loved you. 468 00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:22,679 Well, that could've fuckin' waited. 469 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:25,639 Any idea where they went? And also, what crisps do you have? 470 00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:28,519 They're going to my house. Do you have crisps there? 471 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:31,759 Look, Sonny, the way I see it you've two options, 472 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:33,959 either you move on and find someone your own age 473 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:36,439 who's actually interested or you hang around, 474 00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:38,719 wait until I give in and we eventually get married 475 00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:40,679 because we've no other options. 476 00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:43,479 So- So you're saying to just... 477 00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:47,319 wait for a decade or so? 478 00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:49,279 Sure. 479 00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:52,359 Cos I can totally do that, sure, 480 00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:54,639 hanging around is basically my thing. 481 00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:57,519 Look, you're in charge of the pub, right? 482 00:28:57,520 --> 00:28:59,879 (DOOR OPENS) Well, now that's commitment. 483 00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:01,360 Any peanuts or..? 484 00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:04,480 No? Ah, fuck it. 485 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:07,320 I'll wait! 486 00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:10,400 (DOOR CLOSES) 487 00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:14,800 How does a bar work then? 488 00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:27,999 Here, Catherine! You have to get inside. 489 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:30,999 (SCOFFS) What's this? The three feckin' amigos' reunion? 490 00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:35,479 Seriously, it's not safe out here. Don't you fuckin' dare push me. 491 00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,919 Mrs Proctor, I have been studying these beings 492 00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:42,639 for a long time, and they are coming back. 493 00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:44,239 (CROWS CAW) 494 00:29:44,240 --> 00:29:47,279 I see you've recruited the local ghost to your psychic circle. 495 00:29:47,280 --> 00:29:49,439 Jesus, Seamie, not more of this alien crap. 496 00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:52,120 I am begging you, please come inside. 497 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:54,280 What's she doing here? 498 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:57,400 They took me too, Catherine. 499 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:00,200 And me. 500 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:03,919 The night that you had your accident. 501 00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:06,119 The aliens, is it? (LAUGHS) 502 00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:07,560 (CROWS CONTINUE CAWING) 503 00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:13,359 Ah! 504 00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:15,719 They're back? Fuck, they're here. 505 00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:17,919 What the hell is that? 506 00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:20,799 About fucking time. 507 00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:22,760 What? You weren't taking the piss? 508 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:27,239 (PLAYS THE TIN WHISTLE) 509 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:29,279 - Oh! - Fuck! Jesus Christ! 510 00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:31,159 Oh my God! 511 00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:33,999 My legs! Let her go, you bastards! 512 00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,199 (GASPS) 513 00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:36,399 Seamie? 514 00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:38,959 Pubba, put your fuckin' whistle away! 515 00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:40,919 Oh, Seamie! Let her go! 516 00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:42,639 Mother of Zeus. 517 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,759 (WHIMPERING) 518 00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:47,400 I Am Celt! 519 00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:51,959 (GRUNTS) Who the fuck are you? 520 00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:53,479 (SCREAMING) 521 00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:55,639 Not her! Me! 522 00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:58,639 God fucking save us. 523 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:00,759 (CREATURE SHRIEKING) 524 00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:03,079 (GRUNTS) Argh! 525 00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:06,879 She doesn't wanna go! Do me! 526 00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:08,679 Da! 527 00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:09,839 Take me! 528 00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:12,439 What are you at? 529 00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:14,119 Take me! 530 00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:15,559 (GASPS) 531 00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:17,440 Ah come on, fuck! 532 00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:21,079 Wait! 533 00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:22,120 It's OK. 534 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:25,400 Let's get inside, come on. 535 00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:29,399 Have you got a key? 536 00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:31,079 Come back! Come on, Dad. 537 00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:34,400 (NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE) (CHITTERING) 538 00:31:36,040 --> 00:31:39,359 That was a spaceship. Jesus Christ! 539 00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:42,519 Are you OK? - It was a fucking spaceship. - My legs. 540 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:46,759 I held back a fuckin' spaceship. I'm going back out. 541 00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:50,479 Woah, no, you are staying on planet Earth, whether you like it or not. 542 00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:53,679 So this is real? This is a thing? 543 00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:56,000 Yeah, this is a whole ordeal. 544 00:31:58,040 --> 00:32:00,480 And they were here the night of the accident. 545 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:03,480 That's why I crashed the car. 546 00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:06,879 Why didn't you tell her that?! 547 00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:09,719 Because then I'd have to tell her everything. 548 00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:13,559 So you'd rather me hate you than risk telling me the truth? 549 00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:16,319 You hated me? (MOBILE NOTIFICATION DING) 550 00:32:16,320 --> 00:32:20,880 "Going great here, lots and lots of laughs." 551 00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:24,039 What? 552 00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:27,040 I feel bad now for all the shitty things I did.(SIGHS) 553 00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:32,120 Consider yourself forgiven. 554 00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:37,959 I gave Matt a hand job in your waiting room once. 555 00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:39,199 When he had a verruca. 556 00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:41,719 Well, I mean, I tried to but he couldn't get hard. 557 00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:44,679 Why are you telling me this? I dunno, it feels good to confess. 558 00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:46,120 Not to fuckin' me! 559 00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:50,079 (CREATURE CHITTERING) 560 00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:52,999 Why do they keep coming here? What do they want? 561 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:56,799 I don't know, but maybe it's to do with the magnet mine 562 00:32:56,800 --> 00:32:59,759 or the alabaster hills, they're like a... 563 00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:02,159 a big fuckin' arrow 564 00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:05,840 saying, "Land here, we were chosen." 565 00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:10,079 Well, whoopdy-fuckin'-doo. 566 00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:11,440 (SCREECHING OUTSIDE) 567 00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:14,280 What the fuck? 568 00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:17,480 (SCREECHING CONTINUES) 569 00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:20,760 What the fuck is that? 570 00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:22,880 An alien? 571 00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:27,639 Is it just me, or does that alien look exactly like... 572 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:28,919 An Dobhar Chu. 573 00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:30,959 (CHITTERING) 574 00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:32,640 (AUDIENCE AWW) 575 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:38,360 Avenge my flock, An Dagda! 576 00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:41,199 I Am Celt! 577 00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:44,039 (WAILS) 578 00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:45,639 (SCREAMS) 579 00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:47,719 That wasn't in the script. 580 00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:48,839 Improv. 581 00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:49,879 Ha! 582 00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:51,320 (DOBHAR CHU CHITTERS) 583 00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:55,079 Jesus. I'm not crazy, right? 584 00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:58,039 (CHITTERING CONTINUES) It is the spit of an Dobhar Chu. 585 00:33:58,040 --> 00:34:01,439 What the fuck do aliens have to do with Celts? 586 00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:02,999 Oh, Jesus. 587 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,680 (What the hell are you doing?) (Dad.) 588 00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:09,879 Ah, it's OK. 589 00:34:09,880 --> 00:34:11,759 Come on, come on. 590 00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:13,640 No, oh, oh... 591 00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:16,560 Greetings. 592 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:21,960 I am Pubba McGoldrick, of the Earth. 593 00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:24,519 (CHITTERS) 594 00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:26,119 We come in peace. 595 00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:28,679 Get out of here, you mongrel. 596 00:34:28,680 --> 00:34:29,720 Oh! 597 00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:33,240 Oh, shit. (SCREAMS) 598 00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:36,960 Fuckin' space blood. 599 00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:41,439 What did you do? 600 00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:45,359 I think it was playing fetch. 601 00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:48,639 Is it dead? Well, he's not very well. 602 00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:50,880 (TROMBONE NOISES) You're welcome. 603 00:34:53,520 --> 00:34:55,840 (AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE) 604 00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:01,719 Mad mucker number two! That's me! There I am. 605 00:35:01,720 --> 00:35:04,399 Did you see my boggy back field? 606 00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:05,999 Beautiful, wasn't it? 607 00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:08,639 I was hoping the petrol station might get featured 608 00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:11,479 but sure I suppose there's timeline issues. 609 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:13,399 What's the verdict, folks? 610 00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:14,919 You like it? We loved it. 611 00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:16,439 Bona fide triumph. 612 00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:18,199 Comedy gold. 613 00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:20,720 Oh, I think it's dying. Should we... 614 00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:25,279 try and save it? 615 00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:27,039 You're the doctor, do something. 616 00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:30,399 Hey, hey, if someone wants to give the thing mouth-to-mouth 617 00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:31,439 I won't stop them. 618 00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:34,119 I'm not giving it mouth-to-mouth, look at its bollocks there. 619 00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:36,519 (THE ANIMAL SQUEAKS) It's not even a human. 620 00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:38,559 Yeah, but all the same, 621 00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:40,999 I wouldn't be giving mouth-to-mouth to a male dog even. 622 00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:43,719 Oh, but I'd catch you giving mouth-to-mouth to a female dog? 623 00:35:43,720 --> 00:35:45,839 Yeah, I did, and it worked, 624 00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:47,959 and I'd do it again, gladly. 625 00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:50,679 (MOBILE RINGING) Oh crap, I- I have to take this. 626 00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:53,040 Yeah, work away, all quiet in here. 627 00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:56,519 Chet, hi! 'Busy?' 628 00:35:56,520 --> 00:35:59,959 No! No... Of course. Are you fuckin' kidding? 629 00:35:59,960 --> 00:36:01,079 Go. 630 00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:02,360 Jesus. 631 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:06,600 Urgh. 632 00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:13,520 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 633 00:36:14,720 --> 00:36:17,439 Urgh. Oh, Christ, I'm gonna puke. 634 00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:19,399 You're not helping, Shelly. 635 00:36:19,400 --> 00:36:23,839 We were trying to walk that line, "mystorical... dramady." 636 00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:25,439 (AN DOBHAR CHU FARTS) 637 00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:26,800 (RETCHES) 638 00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:29,479 Must've been on your end. 639 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:31,240 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 640 00:36:32,920 --> 00:36:35,479 Can I get a Long Island Iced Tea? 641 00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:38,039 Sure thing, let me just get the kettle on. 642 00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:42,159 Excuse me? Hello? Romance, bloodshed, pratfalls, 643 00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:43,959 what's not to love? 644 00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:45,599 It's a hell of a combo alright. 645 00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:49,960 Next season I can get you proper blood though, as much as you like. 646 00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:53,319 Wow, that's generous. 647 00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:56,280 Well, it won't be free. But you won't find it cheaper. 648 00:36:57,480 --> 00:37:00,559 I liked the bit where the Dagda was making eyes at his Mammy. 649 00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:04,799 Aye, that didn't make sense, why was he getting off with his own mother? 650 00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:07,159 He's the God of agriculture, Keith, 651 00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:08,719 as any farmer will tell ya, 652 00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:12,120 it can be a very lonely life, so it can. 653 00:37:22,840 --> 00:37:25,360 (SNORTING SOUNDS) Sorry. 654 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:28,559 Sorry. 655 00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:30,640 Need a little pick-me-up? 656 00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:37,079 OK. 657 00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:38,919 It won't kill you, like. 658 00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:40,120 (SIGHS) 659 00:37:41,240 --> 00:37:43,719 Ah, look, by the power vested in me, 660 00:37:43,720 --> 00:37:46,160 I now pronounce this fuckin' thing dead. 661 00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,199 (SIGHS) My God, has anyone got a mint? 662 00:37:50,200 --> 00:37:53,279 I'm sorry, I'm literally chewing on my last one. 663 00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:55,119 So what are we gonna do with this thing? 664 00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:57,639 This is first contact, 665 00:37:57,640 --> 00:38:01,279 the most momentous event in history, 666 00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:04,239 we need to tell the world. Woah, woah, woah. 667 00:38:04,240 --> 00:38:07,239 We're not calling anyone until we've discussed our options. 668 00:38:07,240 --> 00:38:08,999 Who made you boss? 669 00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:10,679 (COUGHS) She's my boss. 670 00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:13,279 I think Pubba's right, I think we should have a vote. 671 00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:14,319 Thank you. 672 00:38:14,320 --> 00:38:18,999 Can I abstain? Out of respect for this weird, innocent dog thing. 673 00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:21,639 I vote we throw the fucker in the lake. 674 00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:24,199 If we tell anyone, 675 00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:28,359 the government's gonna put a big fence around this whole town 676 00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:30,479 and do weird, secret tests on us 677 00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:34,960 while soldiers with guns and gas masks keep us from going anywhere. 678 00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:38,520 Trust me, I live in America. 679 00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:41,319 (She does.) 680 00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:45,279 Plus, if we want any hope 681 00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:48,079 of a second season of I Am Celt, 682 00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:50,399 it is probably in all of our interests 683 00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:52,719 to stop Drumban from turning into Area 51. 684 00:38:52,720 --> 00:38:55,359 - Can I un-abstain? - ALL: No. Can we vote on that? 685 00:38:55,360 --> 00:38:57,119 No. Fuck. 686 00:38:57,120 --> 00:39:02,240 All those in favour of showing this thing to the world, hands up. 687 00:39:07,360 --> 00:39:10,480 All those in favour of dumping this creature in the lake. 688 00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:20,080 (SIGHS) 689 00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:24,560 I mean, you can feckin' do it. 690 00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:42,559 You know, 691 00:39:42,560 --> 00:39:45,119 I went to Old Grange looking for ya. 692 00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:46,679 The last time I was here? 693 00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:48,999 Aye. Why? 694 00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:51,599 I dunno. 695 00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:56,720 I suppose it crossed my mind that we might make each other happy. 696 00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:01,400 (LAUGHS) 697 00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:06,560 Thanks. 698 00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:14,519 Oh, well, this is a good a place as any. 699 00:40:14,520 --> 00:40:15,560 Yeah. 700 00:40:17,720 --> 00:40:19,799 What are they gabbing about? 701 00:40:19,800 --> 00:40:21,920 The show getting renewed, probably. 702 00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:27,359 Come on, baby, 703 00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:28,479 glow for me. 704 00:40:28,480 --> 00:40:29,840 Are you ready? 705 00:40:33,720 --> 00:40:35,599 On three, 706 00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:37,879 one, 707 00:40:37,880 --> 00:40:39,439 two, 708 00:40:39,440 --> 00:40:40,800 three. (GRUNTS) 709 00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:44,760 (PANTING) 710 00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:00,720 (SCREAMS) Oh shit. 711 00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:05,479 Seamus? You gobshite. 712 00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:07,040 (LAUGHING) 713 00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:14,559 Just- Just sit down, shut the fuck up. 714 00:41:14,560 --> 00:41:16,720 (LAUGHS) Fine. 715 00:41:23,560 --> 00:41:25,440 (MATT AND KEITH SHOUTING) 716 00:41:28,040 --> 00:41:32,519 I'll lob you in two and be back home to ride me Ma before tea. 717 00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:35,640 What would you say that is? 718 00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:38,840 That's no bird. 719 00:41:51,920 --> 00:41:54,080 Plot feckin' twist. 720 00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:05,600 (APPLAUSE) 721 00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:28,720 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 722 00:42:30,360 --> 00:42:33,919 Oh hey, Pubba. Good man. 723 00:42:33,920 --> 00:42:35,879 Right, let the inaugural meeting 724 00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:39,079 of the committee to bring aliens to Drumban 725 00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:40,240 commence. 726 00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:50,720 (LOW DRONING) 727 00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:23,839 (CHITTER) 728 00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:25,879 ♪ I'm alive! 729 00:43:25,880 --> 00:43:28,519 ♪ And I see things mighty clear today 730 00:43:28,520 --> 00:43:30,880 ♪ I'm alive! 731 00:43:33,520 --> 00:43:35,120 ♪ I'm alive! 732 00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:38,439 ♪ And I'm breathin' clean fresh air today, 733 00:43:38,440 --> 00:43:40,279 ♪ I'm alive! 734 00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:41,360 ♪ Yes I... 735 00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:44,920 ♪ And I'm real! 736 00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:48,319 ♪ I can taste and touch and see and feel 737 00:43:48,320 --> 00:43:50,040 ♪ I'm alive 738 00:43:53,480 --> 00:43:55,639 ♪ I'm alive! 739 00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:58,479 ♪ And I'm doin' my thing and singin' my song, 740 00:43:58,480 --> 00:43:59,519 ♪ I'm alive! 741 00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:04,199 ♪ Oh yeah, hey! ♪ 742 00:44:04,200 --> 00:44:05,599 (SONG FADES) 743 00:44:05,600 --> 00:44:09,000 Subtitles by Sky Access Services www.skyaccessibility.sky