[AIRPLANE TAKING OFF]
[LUENELL] On Christmas Sunday,
I went to the airport to fly to Vegas to perform.
I got there. Flight was delayed an hour. Then the flight was delayed three hours.
Then the flight was delayed five hours.
Then the flight was canceled,
which canceled my show in Vegas,
where people had bought tickets to see me as Christmas presents, right?
So, because of that shit right there...
[CABIN TONE CHIMES]
...I have decided to dedicate the next 20 minutes of my performance
to the motherfucking airline,
air travel,
people's behavior on the motherfucking airline,
and all that shit.
[IMITATES AIR HORN BLASTS]
Town Biz, that's what's up.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND CLAPPING]
[LUENELL] Okay.
First... I wanna start from the inside out.
Let's talk about these goddamn seat belts, shall we?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I just want to say, first of all, American and Delta,
God bless you.
You don't know what them four extra inches mean to a bitch like me.
But I don't know what man
designed these fucking seat belts in the first place.
Why come... What kind of map...
Why... Why this strap this long?
This strap ain't but two goddamn inches long?
You got to be a contortionist to get this motherfucker...
I almost fuckin' threw my back out,
trying to fasten my motherfucking seat belt.
And if you ask for an extension, the bitch act like it's a dope deal.
"Here, take it, take it, take it."
The fuck?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Why don't the motherfucker fasten in the middle?
Don't that make more goddamn sense?
[AUDIENCE] Yes!
Because people are getting fatter in the United States of America,
and they need to govern themselves accordingly.
Amen.
The tray-to-titty ratio.
No. That's not working for me neither.
Big titties are back, and they're here to stay.
[APPLAUSE]
I... I just think that the airline need to make some adjustments.
Put some cutouts in the fucking tray or something.
No, that's discrimination. Fuck that.
The announcement that they make when some...
some emergency occurs on the plane,
they say, "In the case of emergency,
a mask is gonna come down."
"Place the mask over your mouth first before you attempt to help anybody else."
You know what? Hey, check this.
Some shit don't need to be said.
Of course I'm gonna put it over my motherfucking mouth first!
The fuck you think this is?
I'm fighting for my motherfucking life
up in these motherfucking clouds, goddamn it!
"I'mma help you out. Let me get situated first."
Mm-hmm.
Then they say,
"Place the mask over your mouth and breathe normally."
We are plunging to the motherfucking ground, bitch!
780 miles an hour!
"Breathe more normally?"
I'm... I'm sparked!
I'm about to start stabbing every motherfucker in this bitch.
"Breathe normally"? The fuck?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Then they say,
"Oxygen is flowing through the mask,
even though the bag may not inflate."
[CHUCKLING] Now, this bitch just think we stupid,
like... she'll tell us any motherfucking thing.
We about to die.
There is nothing you can blow on or in,
not a balloon, not a bag,
not a dick, not nothing
that's not going to, uh, swell and...
[LAUGHTER, CLAPPING]
That bitch just want us to put the mask over our mouth
to muffle the screams as we're going down.
She don't wanna hear that shit.
"Oh, we're gonna die! Oh fuck!"
She don't wanna hear it.
Ladies and gentlemen...
I want you to know that your air travel is safer than it's ever been before.
"Why, Luenell"?
I'll tell you.
Because I, Luenell,
am up in the motherfucking sky regulating
just like I do on the goddamn ground.
- [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] - That's right.
I am a self-appointed,
unofficial air marshal.
I've been on orange alert since 9/12.
Orange alert.
I see every motherfucking thing moving on the goddamn plane.
First thing I do when I step on the bitch,
I stick my head in that motherfucking cockpit.
Yeah, I wanna see who driving this buggy.
[WOMAN] That's right, girl.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"How y'all doing? Y'all get enough sleep?"
[CHUCKLES]
"Ain't nobody fighting with the old lady or no shit like that, are you?"
"Okay."
I, uh...
I sit on the aisle.
In case some shit pop off.
I'm not gonna be hemmed up over there by that goddamn window.
Hey, Black people, y'all remember when we used to say "hemmed up"?
"That motherfucker had me hemmed up down to the liquor store."
"I was almost late for work fucking with him."
[LAUGHING]
You know what? I think that I'm gonna bring back
some of that old slang.
No... But, no, because, you know, the young boys I fuck with, they...
they say my mouth is reckless, and...
they say that I have a harsh delivery, and...
they say that I say
"fuck" too much.
And I be trying to tell these little motherfuckers, "Listen."
"Babe, I... I love you. I do."
"And I would love to make love with you."
"I would love for you to make love to me."
"But in full transparency,
uh, I'm really just trying to get fucked real quick before I get on this plane."
"Because in the words of the great prophet Tupac Shakur,
'I only got one night in town, baby doll. Are you down?'"
"'I get around.'"
[LOUD CHEERING]
And there is a plethora of little motherfuckers out there
because, guess what?
♪ I got hoes ♪
- ♪ I got hoes ♪ - [AUDIENCE SINGING ALONG]
♪ In different area, area codes ♪
♪ I got hoes ♪
Hey!
♪ Hoes ♪
[LAUGHING, APPLAUSE]
White people, if you don't know that song,
that's an old Negro spiritual.
Written and performed by the great gospel singer Nate Dogg.
Motherfucker, you can't know every goddamn thing.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[WOMAN] Nate, we love you.
So,
being on the plane, there are certain behaviors
that I would like to address.
First of all...
Uh... Oh, wait a minute. Sorry.
You know, these edibles, let me tell you something...
[LAUGHING]
No, don't eat... don't eat the little bear.
That little bitch, the little bear, the gummy bear,
stay away from her. She's the devil.
[LAUGHING]
But wait a minute.
So, uh, back to the...
Okay, so my mouth. My mouth, my mouth, my mouth, my mouth.
So I say "fuck" too much,
so I tried to appease the little young motherfucker, right,
and I said, "Okay, so I won't say 'fuck' so much."
So I wanna bring back... an old phrase that we used to say.
I wanna bring back "do it."
Ooh, that used to be all it took.
[ALL] Do it!
Remember, brothers, they'd be like, "Ay. Ay."
"Ay."
"Ay. Ay."
"You wanna do it?"
Bitches be like, "Oh yeah."
We'd be on the phone with... We'd be on the phone with our girlfriends,
and we'd be like, "Girl, I think I'mma let him do it to me."
And I know, I know there's some of y'all in here gonna be lucky enough
to go home with some other people in here,
and you might go to sleep.
But in the wee hours of the morning,
my little deep voice gonna come up in your head,
and you might wake your partner up and look at him and say, "Hey, babe, babe,
let's do it!"
- Whoo! - [CHEERING]
And you bitches better do it, too,
because that's what the men be talking about if y'all don't wanna do it.
You should do it when they want to do it.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay.
So, as an unofficial air marshal...
I do take my job very seriously,
and there are certain behaviors
that need to be addressed, I feel, on the plane.
First of all, I'mma just put it out there.
I don't like you corporate fucks.
You get on the motherfucking plane with your anal ass,
and you go sit maybe next to me by the window,
and you put your seat belt on, maybe, and then you put your tray down.
You put your laptop down.
Motherfucking five-hour flight from Oakland to goddamn New York City,
the whole time, this motherfucker...
[IMITATING KEYBOARD POUNDING]
The whole motherfucking time!
I sat next to one of these psycho motherfuckers about a week ago,
and I straight up asked him. I said, "Excuse me, are you on meth?"
No, because this motherfucker didn't look out the window.
He didn't drink no water.
He didn't go to the bathroom.
He didn't look at me.
He didn't eat shit.
He didn't put his seat back.
He didn't listen to no music.
I be looking over at that motherfucking laptop,
it be a bunch of bullshit too!
"What the fuck is all that shit any-goddamn-way?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[CHEERING]
Also,
I feel
if you enter into a closed space,
like maybe an airline row
or a church pew or a movie theater seat,
but mostly I'm talking about airline seats.
If you are the interloper, and if you coming in,
sitting where there was other people who had to allow you in,
I think it is your job as a fucking human being
to at least acknowledge the presence
of the motherfucker that you sitting next to.
Don't act like you not sitting next to a whole-ass human being.
It don't take nothing to say, "Hi, how are you today?"
Now, that don't mean I wanna talk to your bitch-ass all the way to Boston.
I don't wanna see a picture of your dog or no shit like that.
I'm just saying you should motherfucking speak.
Because let some shit go down, now you up around my neck.
"Help me! Save me!"
"No, bitch, you should've spoke."
"You don't remember me, right? I'm not here, right?"
"I don't exist, right?"
"Fuck you, bitch. You on your own. Good luck, bitch."
"You're on your own."
And, yes, white people, I'm talking to you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[LUENELL CHUCKLING]
I got a thing. I got a thing, okay?
I got a thing. I like to fly
with the window shade up.
Not just over here.
Over here too.
"I'm a motherfucking air marshal, and all this shit is me."
"This row, this is all me."
You know, I like to see the takeoff
and the landing.
I don't know, I feel like I got something to do with this shit, you know?
And turbulence too.
Turbulence come,
I'm looking out that motherfucking window.
People be like, "Luenell, you can't see turbulence."
How you know if you don't look?
I might be the bitch to see it,
and I'd be like, "See? Turbulence. Told you."
[LAUGHING, APPLAUSE]
Now, every now and then, I might say "sidebar."
If I say "sidebar,"
that mean these edibles got me thinking about three different thoughts
at the same motherfucking time, and I gotta take...
But I'll be back, you know, talking about what I'm talking about. Okay.
So, about a month ago,
I'm riding first class.
By the way, it took a long time
for this East, West, and North Oakland bitch
to be able to command first-class tickets every-motherfucking-where I go.
But, believe you me, if you see me,
that's how the fuck I got here.
Plus, I knew some shit had to change.
'Cause I got tired of getting on the goddamn plane,
walking past my motherfucking friends.
"What's up, Ced? How you doing, D.L.?"
"Yeah, I'm back here in 36C."
"The fuck?"
"We're on the same show. Gonna talk to my people."
So, a couple of months ago...
Let me set this shit up.
Let me set this shit up... real quick.
A couple of months ago,
see, you be in first class, you got your little cocktail.
I'm sitting on the aisle, you know, doing my motherfucking air marshal shit.
And being in everybody's business because, check this out,
I do... While everybody's fucking around and plugging into the Internet,
I take a mental Rolodex
of every motherfucker stepping on this bitch.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING]
Lady with two kids.
Oh, sidebar.
[CHUCKLING]
Okay. Um...
This portion of the show is called "What Black Women Be Thinking."
Now, I don't wanna make this a racial thing.
I'm just saying that, okay, you know, white ladies and other,
if you come into a place well-clothed,
if you in the frozen food section of a grocery store,
or you in an airport and you getting on a plane,
and if you're fully clothed, and your baby ain't got no socks on,
Black women, we get in a corner, and we talk shit about you.
We be like, we be like,
"Look at that raggedy-ass bitch ain't got no socks on the baby."
"Fucking bitch. Look at the little bald head."
"It's cold in here. He need a hat on."
We be judgy as a motherfucker.
And I... Okay. But I'm...
But to your credit,
dig this, I grew up
always seeing
one shoe in the street.
And I wondered,
"Where's the other fucking shoe?"
"Why did both shoes not fall out? I don't understand."
And then I had a baby.
And you guys just got this motherfucking child-lock shit down
a few years ago.
But before then,
the minute these little bastards could reach out the fucking car seat,
they pushed that goddamn window down
and take they shoe and throw it out the goddamn window!
And their fucking socks too.
And you don't even know shit
till you get to to the motherfucking church to take Easter pictures,
this little motherfucker in the back seat barefooted!
"Where's your fucking shoe?!"
[CHUCKLES]
So I get it now.
But luckily, this woman's children were dressed to my satisfaction.
[CHUCKLING] And they was cute too.
I was like, "Aw, coochie-coochie, cute little... So cute. Mmm."
The next person that got on the plane is a cowboy.
[EXHALES]
[WHINNIES]
[FLAPS LIPS]
[LAUGH]
"Howdy."
♪ You don't have to be lonely ♪
♪ At FarmersOnly.com ♪
Next we have a military man.
"Okay, retired."
"Navy man."
"Thank you for your service."
"Okay... uh! Look at these feet." [SNORTS]
"Clearly transsexual."
"Hey, girl." [LAUGHS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So this white woman gets on the plane.
And she sits...
she sits next to me.
And the first thing she do, slaps the shade down.
- [WOMAN 1] Uh-oh. - [WOMAN 2] Uh-uh!
You know, in my mind, I'm like, "Ah. Damn, now I got to deal with this bitch."
'Cause the shade's going up.
Hm.
So I'm like...
[KNOCKING]
"Excuse me."
"Would you, um, would you mind raising the shade back up, please?"
And she looked at me, and she said, "Why?"
- [AUDIENCE] Ooh. - [WOMAN] Uh-uh.
[LUENELL SCOFFS]
And I said,
"Well, call it anxiety or whatever you want,
but I like to see the takeoff and the landing."
"I mean, what if something's coming at us?"
And she said,
"What are you gonna do if it is?"
And I said, "Well, I'm gonna know when to start screaming."
"Now open the damn window."
And I reached...- I reached over her, and I opened that shade for her.
And she said, "Oh my God! You're totally in my personal space!"
And I said, "Bitch..."
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
"...if you wanted motherfucking personal space,
you should've chartered a plane, ho,
because everybody on this motherfucker
is in everybody else's goddamn personal space."
"If you don't motherfucking like it..."
"What? Oh."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CLAPPING]
"She..."
"I..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Apparently, it's a felony to go ham on a bitch on a plane,
even if the plane even took the fuck off yet or nothing.
So, because I take my job
as self-appointed, unofficial air marshal very seriously,
I promised not to...
say nothing else to the bitch on the one-hour flight
from Oakland to Las Vegas.
But what I did do...
Remember I said I was gonna bring back some of that old slang?
[AUDIENCE] Yeah!
What I did do, some of y'all might recognize this one,
what I did do was I...
I turned and I... I...
I stared a mudhole in the side of that bitch face
all the motherfucking way to Las Vegas.
"Yeah, turn your head, bitch."
"I'm right here looking at your motherfucking eardrum, bitch."
"Turn your motherfucking head."
Don't you hate that shit, like somebody cut you the fuck off,
and you actually catch up with that punk motherfucker at the light,
and you wanna flip 'em off so bad, but they won't look at you?
"Look at me, you raggedy motherfucker! Fuck you!"
- [INAUDIBLE] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING]
Okay, wait. Uh-huh.
Woosah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I stand before you tonight as a testimony.
There's a phrase that say,
"Thank God I don't look like what I been through."
[APPLAUDING]
Ladies and gentlemen, you may not know this to look at me,
but I belong to the streets.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLES]
Yep.
Body count...
♪ High, high, high, high, high! ♪
I been out here throwing this old pussy around since about...
since the mid-'70s.
BA, BC.
Before AIDS. Before Crack.
Oh, what a time, what a time.
But I'm tired now, goddamn it, shit...
I got about...
I done the math.
I got about 17, 18 good fucks left in me.
I'm shut... I'm shutting this whole operation down.
You know, you get older, you got to start thinking about shit.
Like, I been... You know, I'm...
I'm just saying, at what age do you think we can start to slow down
with all this old pesky dick-sucking and shit?
Mm. Get somebody else to do it.
No, I'm just...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's enough already.
I mean, you don't think, at 75 years old,
I'mma still be out here sucking fucking dicks, do you?
"Baby, Auntie don't do that no more, honey."
"No, I know. You should have caught me when I was in them streets."
"I used to be a beast!"
"They used to call me Pelican, honey."
[LAUGHING, CHEERING]
"No, Auntie don't do that no more."
I... It's hard out here in these streets.
I admit it.
You don't know which way to turn.
The young guys, your foreplay is trash,
but that dick is so good.
And then you older guys, your foreplay is amazing,
but that... the dick
is trash.
And it's not your fault!
You know, when you start taking that blood pressure medicine,
you gotta make a decision.
Do you wanna fuck, or do you wanna live? But you ain't gonna...
[LAUGHING]
But I'm tired out and done everything
that a bitch in the streets can do.
The weather's changing. I done fucked in the cold before, though.
I fucked in the cold.
I done fucked in the snow.
I fucked in a hailstorm one time.
That was annoying.
That shit kept hitting me in the fucking face.
I couldn't fucking concentrate.
Shit almost knocked my tooth out too.
I done fucked in the desert, in the heat.
In the daytime, in the nighttime.
In the front yard, in the backyard.
In the garage.
In the back seat.
On the workbench. In the tool shed.
In a swimming pool.
In a Jacuzzi.
By the putting green.
By the barbecue pit.
In the garden.
On the deck.
On the lawn furniture.
In the kitchen.
On the kitchen... table.
On the kitchen counter.
On the kitchen floor.
In the living room.
On the couch.
On the sofa.
On the carpet.
Shag and regular.
Oh yes, some of y'all remember that old shag carpet?
Back when them knees was good, bitch.
You could get about a half-inch of that shag carpet
and just buck back on it. Just buck, buck back.
Just buck...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Oh, just me? Okay.
And I done fucked on the steps.
I fucked in the attic. In the basement.
In the parents' room.
In Grandma and them room.
In the kids' room.
In the Cinderella bed with the canopy.
In the race car bed.
I know, I feel sorry... I... I felt bad about that one.
I told that boy, "Leave me alone."
And then I done fucked in the rec room.
On the pool table.
Under the ping-pong table.
Curtains open.
Curtains closed.
Lights on.
- Lights off. - [AUDIENCE] Lights off!
Clothes on.
- Clothes off. - [AUDIENCE] Clothes off.
Sheets on.
- Sheets off. - [AUDIENCE] Sheets off.
Twosome.
Threesome.
Foursome.
Orgies.
Weed. Liquor. Cocaine.
Pill.
Mushroom.
Honey. Butter.
Baby oil.
Syrup.
Jelly. Agave.
- Nutella. Whipped cream. - [CHEERING]
Peanut butter.
Strawberries. Bananas.
Green beans, potatoes, tomatoes...
You name it!
Thank you, Oakland. Thank you, Oakland!
[LOUD CHEERING]
[CHEERING FADES]
["CLOSER" BY GOAPELE PLAYING]
♪ Closer to my dreams... ♪
[LUENELL] Everything I am,
everything I represent,
and everything I ride for,
I learned in the streets of Oakland, California.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
♪ Closer to my dreams... ♪
[LUENELL] I used to catch the AC Transit bus right out here.
I've been incarcerated right over here.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[LUENELL] Everybody in this room is part of my story.
You know, you guys have been riding with me
since the Soul Beat Television Network.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[LUENELL] And let's not leave out Dorsey's Locker.
[CHEERING]
[LUENELL] A lot of y'all in here, I've slept on your floors,
in your garages,
on your couches.
You've picked up my baby,
you've given me rides, you've helped me out.
I'm riding for Oakland till the motherfucking wheels fall off.
- Thank you for not giving up on me. - [ALL CHEERING]
I love all y'all.
Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Good night.
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
[MAN] This is protected by the red, the black, and the green,
at the crossroad, with a key.