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[AIRPLANE TAKING OFF]
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[LUENELL] On Christmas Sunday,
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I went to the airport
to fly to Vegas to perform.
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I got there. Flight was delayed an hour.
Then the flight was delayed three hours.
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Then the flight was delayed five hours.
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{\an8}Then the flight was canceled,
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{\an8}which canceled my show in Vegas,
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where people had bought tickets to see me
as Christmas presents, right?
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So, because of that shit right there...
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[CABIN TONE CHIMES]
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...I have decided to dedicate
the next 20 minutes of my performance
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to the motherfucking airline,
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air travel,
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people's behavior
on the motherfucking airline,
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and all that shit.
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[IMITATES AIR HORN BLASTS]
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Town Biz, that's what's up.
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND CLAPPING]
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[LUENELL] Okay.
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First... I wanna start from the inside out.
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Let's talk about
these goddamn seat belts, shall we?
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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And I just want to say,
first of all, American and Delta,
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God bless you.
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You don't know what them
four extra inches mean to a bitch like me.
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But I don't know what man
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designed these fucking seat belts
in the first place.
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Why come... What kind of map...
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Why... Why this strap this long?
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This strap ain't but
two goddamn inches long?
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You got to be a contortionist
to get this motherfucker...
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I almost fuckin' threw my back out,
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trying to fasten
my motherfucking seat belt.
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And if you ask for an extension,
the bitch act like it's a dope deal.
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"Here, take it, take it, take it."
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The fuck?
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Why don't the motherfucker
fasten in the middle?
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Don't that make more goddamn sense?
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[AUDIENCE] Yes!
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Because people are getting fatter
in the United States of America,
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and they need to
govern themselves accordingly.
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Amen.
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The tray-to-titty ratio.
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No. That's not working for me neither.
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Big titties are back,
and they're here to stay.
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[APPLAUSE]
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I... I just think that the airline
need to make some adjustments.
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Put some cutouts
in the fucking tray or something.
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No, that's discrimination. Fuck that.
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The announcement that
they make when some...
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some emergency occurs on the plane,
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they say, "In the case of emergency,
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a mask is gonna come down."
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"Place the mask over your mouth first
before you attempt to help anybody else."
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You know what? Hey, check this.
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Some shit don't need to be said.
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Of course I'm gonna put it
over my motherfucking mouth first!
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The fuck you think this is?
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I'm fighting for my motherfucking life
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up in these
motherfucking clouds, goddamn it!
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"I'mma help you out.
Let me get situated first."
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Mm-hmm.
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Then they say,
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"Place the mask over your mouth
and breathe normally."
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We are plunging
to the motherfucking ground, bitch!
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780 miles an hour!
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"Breathe more normally?"
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I'm... I'm sparked!
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I'm about to start stabbing
every motherfucker in this bitch.
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"Breathe normally"? The fuck?
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Then they say,
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"Oxygen is flowing through the mask,
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even though the bag may not inflate."
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[CHUCKLING] Now, this bitch
just think we stupid,
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like... she'll tell us
any motherfucking thing.
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We about to die.
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There is nothing you can blow on or in,
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not a balloon, not a bag,
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not a dick, not nothing
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that's not going to, uh, swell and...
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[LAUGHTER, CLAPPING]
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That bitch just want us
to put the mask over our mouth
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to muffle the screams as we're going down.
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She don't wanna hear that shit.
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"Oh, we're gonna die! Oh fuck!"
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She don't wanna hear it.
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Ladies and gentlemen...
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I want you to know that your air travel
is safer than it's ever been before.
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"Why, Luenell"?
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I'll tell you.
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Because I, Luenell,
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am up in the motherfucking sky regulating
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just like I do on the goddamn ground.
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- [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
- That's right.
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I am a self-appointed,
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unofficial air marshal.
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I've been on orange alert since 9/12.
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Orange alert.
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I see every motherfucking thing
moving on the goddamn plane.
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First thing I do when I step on the bitch,
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I stick my head
in that motherfucking cockpit.
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Yeah, I wanna see who driving this buggy.
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[WOMAN] That's right, girl.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"How y'all doing? Y'all get enough sleep?"
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[CHUCKLES]
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"Ain't nobody fighting with the old lady
or no shit like that, are you?"
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"Okay."
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I, uh...
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I sit on the aisle.
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In case some shit pop off.
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I'm not gonna be hemmed up over there
by that goddamn window.
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Hey, Black people, y'all remember
when we used to say "hemmed up"?
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"That motherfucker had me hemmed up
down to the liquor store."
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"I was almost late for work
fucking with him."
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[LAUGHING]
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You know what?
I think that I'm gonna bring back
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some of that old slang.
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No... But, no, because, you know,
the young boys I fuck with, they...
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they say my mouth is reckless, and...
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they say that I have
a harsh delivery, and...
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they say that I say
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"fuck" too much.
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And I be trying to tell
these little motherfuckers, "Listen."
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"Babe, I... I love you. I do."
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"And I would love to make love with you."
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"I would love for you to make love to me."
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"But in full transparency,
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uh, I'm really just trying to get fucked
real quick before I get on this plane."
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"Because in the words
of the great prophet Tupac Shakur,
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'I only got one night in town, baby doll.
Are you down?'"
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"'I get around.'"
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[LOUD CHEERING]
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And there is a plethora
of little motherfuckers out there
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because, guess what?
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♪ I got hoes ♪
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- ♪ I got hoes ♪
- [AUDIENCE SINGING ALONG]
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♪ In different area, area codes ♪
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♪ I got hoes ♪
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Hey!
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♪ Hoes ♪
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[LAUGHING, APPLAUSE]
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White people, if you don't know that song,
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that's an old Negro spiritual.
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Written and performed
by the great gospel singer Nate Dogg.
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Motherfucker, you can't know
every goddamn thing.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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[WOMAN] Nate, we love you.
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So,
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being on the plane,
there are certain behaviors
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that I would like to address.
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First of all...
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Uh... Oh, wait a minute. Sorry.
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You know, these edibles,
let me tell you something...
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[LAUGHING]
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No, don't eat... don't eat the little bear.
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That little bitch,
the little bear, the gummy bear,
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stay away from her. She's the devil.
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[LAUGHING]
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But wait a minute.
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So, uh, back to the...
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Okay, so my mouth.
My mouth, my mouth, my mouth, my mouth.
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So I say "fuck" too much,
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so I tried to appease
the little young motherfucker, right,
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and I said,
"Okay, so I won't say 'fuck' so much."
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So I wanna bring back...
an old phrase that we used to say.
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I wanna bring back "do it."
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Ooh, that used to be all it took.
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[ALL] Do it!
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Remember, brothers,
they'd be like, "Ay. Ay."
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"Ay."
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"Ay."
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"Ay. Ay."
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"You wanna do it?"
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Bitches be like, "Oh yeah."
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We'd be on the phone with...
We'd be on the phone with our girlfriends,
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and we'd be like,
"Girl, I think I'mma let him do it to me."
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And I know, I know there's some
of y'all in here gonna be lucky enough
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to go home with some other people in here,
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and you might go to sleep.
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But in the wee hours of the morning,
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my little deep voice
gonna come up in your head,
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and you might wake your partner up
and look at him and say, "Hey, babe, babe,
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let's do it!"
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- Whoo!
- [CHEERING]
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And you bitches better do it, too,
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because that's what the men be
talking about if y'all don't wanna do it.
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You should do it when they want to do it.
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[CHUCKLES]
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Okay.
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So, as an unofficial air marshal...
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I do take my job very seriously,
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and there are certain behaviors
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that need to be addressed,
I feel, on the plane.
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First of all, I'mma just put it out there.
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I don't like you corporate fucks.
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You get on the motherfucking plane
with your anal ass,
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and you go sit maybe next to me
by the window,
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and you put your seat belt on, maybe,
and then you put your tray down.
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You put your laptop down.
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Motherfucking five-hour flight
from Oakland to goddamn New York City,
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the whole time, this motherfucker...
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[IMITATING KEYBOARD POUNDING]
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00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,752
The whole motherfucking time!
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00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:54,881
I sat next to one of these
psycho motherfuckers about a week ago,
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00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:58,718
and I straight up asked him.
I said, "Excuse me, are you on meth?"
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00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:04,349
No, because this motherfucker
didn't look out the window.
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He didn't drink no water.
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00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:08,645
He didn't go to the bathroom.
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00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,480
He didn't look at me.
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00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:11,898
He didn't eat shit.
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00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,691
He didn't put his seat back.
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00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:15,944
He didn't listen to no music.
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00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:18,112
I be looking over
at that motherfucking laptop,
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00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:20,114
it be a bunch of bullshit too!
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00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:22,992
"What the fuck
is all that shit any-goddamn-way?"
219
00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,870
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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[CHEERING]
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00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:34,003
Also,
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I feel
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if you enter into a closed space,
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like maybe an airline row
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00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:55,942
or a church pew or a movie theater seat,
226
00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:58,403
but mostly
I'm talking about airline seats.
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If you are the interloper,
and if you coming in,
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sitting where there was other people
who had to allow you in,
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00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:10,915
I think it is your job
as a fucking human being
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to at least acknowledge the presence
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of the motherfucker
that you sitting next to.
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Don't act like you not sitting next to
a whole-ass human being.
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00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:24,721
It don't take nothing to say,
"Hi, how are you today?"
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Now, that don't mean I wanna talk
to your bitch-ass all the way to Boston.
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I don't wanna see a picture
of your dog or no shit like that.
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I'm just saying
you should motherfucking speak.
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Because let some shit go down,
now you up around my neck.
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"Help me! Save me!"
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00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:43,614
"No, bitch, you should've spoke."
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"You don't remember me, right?
I'm not here, right?"
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00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,410
"I don't exist, right?"
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00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,788
"Fuck you, bitch.
You on your own. Good luck, bitch."
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00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:52,373
"You're on your own."
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00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:59,797
And, yes, white people,
I'm talking to you.
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00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:06,137
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:09,182
[LUENELL CHUCKLING]
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00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,399
I got a thing. I got a thing, okay?
248
00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:21,611
I got a thing. I like to fly
249
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:25,406
with the window shade up.
250
00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:28,785
Not just over here.
251
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:43,966
Over here too.
252
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:47,053
"I'm a motherfucking air marshal,
and all this shit is me."
253
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,055
"This row, this is all me."
254
00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:53,935
You know, I like to see the takeoff
255
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:56,270
and the landing.
256
00:14:57,188 --> 00:15:00,817
I don't know, I feel like I got
something to do with this shit, you know?
257
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,110
And turbulence too.
258
00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:03,403
Turbulence come,
259
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:05,696
I'm looking out that motherfucking window.
260
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:08,074
People be like,
"Luenell, you can't see turbulence."
261
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,742
How you know if you don't look?
262
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,120
I might be the bitch to see it,
263
00:15:12,203 --> 00:15:14,705
and I'd be like,
"See? Turbulence. Told you."
264
00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:18,167
[LAUGHING, APPLAUSE]
265
00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:23,589
Now, every now and then,
I might say "sidebar."
266
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,508
If I say "sidebar,"
267
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:29,178
that mean these edibles got me
thinking about three different thoughts
268
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,848
at the same motherfucking time,
and I gotta take...
269
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,851
But I'll be back, you know, talking about
what I'm talking about. Okay.
270
00:15:35,518 --> 00:15:37,979
So, about a month ago,
271
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:39,564
I'm riding first class.
272
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:41,607
By the way, it took a long time
273
00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:44,318
for this East, West,
and North Oakland bitch
274
00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:49,615
to be able to command first-class tickets
every-motherfucking-where I go.
275
00:15:49,699 --> 00:15:52,452
But, believe you me, if you see me,
276
00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:54,871
that's how the fuck I got here.
277
00:15:56,789 --> 00:16:00,168
Plus, I knew some shit had to change.
278
00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:02,753
'Cause I got tired
of getting on the goddamn plane,
279
00:16:02,837 --> 00:16:04,755
walking past my motherfucking friends.
280
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:07,216
"What's up, Ced? How you doing, D.L.?"
281
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,385
"Yeah, I'm back here in 36C."
282
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:11,179
"The fuck?"
283
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:15,766
"We're on the same show.
Gonna talk to my people."
284
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:22,356
So, a couple of months ago...
285
00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:24,859
Let me set this shit up.
286
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:28,696
Let me set this shit up... real quick.
287
00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:29,989
A couple of months ago,
288
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,576
see, you be in first class,
you got your little cocktail.
289
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:38,706
I'm sitting on the aisle, you know,
doing my motherfucking air marshal shit.
290
00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:42,585
And being in everybody's business
because, check this out,
291
00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:47,632
I do... While everybody's fucking around
and plugging into the Internet,
292
00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,217
I take a mental Rolodex
293
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:52,512
of every motherfucker
stepping on this bitch.
294
00:16:54,889 --> 00:16:58,309
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING]
295
00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,747
Lady with two kids.
296
00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:21,749
Oh, sidebar.
297
00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:23,668
[CHUCKLING]
298
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,379
Okay. Um...
299
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:32,718
This portion of the show is called
"What Black Women Be Thinking."
300
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:37,223
Now, I don't wanna
make this a racial thing.
301
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:42,019
I'm just saying that, okay,
you know, white ladies and other,
302
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,606
if you come into a place well-clothed,
303
00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:49,068
if you in the frozen food section
of a grocery store,
304
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:51,862
or you in an airport
and you getting on a plane,
305
00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:55,866
and if you're fully clothed,
and your baby ain't got no socks on,
306
00:17:57,243 --> 00:18:00,454
Black women, we get in a corner,
and we talk shit about you.
307
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:06,711
We be like, we be like,
308
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:10,047
"Look at that raggedy-ass bitch
ain't got no socks on the baby."
309
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:13,342
"Fucking bitch.
Look at the little bald head."
310
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,344
"It's cold in here. He need a hat on."
311
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,723
We be judgy as a motherfucker.
312
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:22,476
And I... Okay. But I'm...
313
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,562
But to your credit,
314
00:18:25,354 --> 00:18:27,356
dig this, I grew up
315
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,192
always seeing
316
00:18:30,985 --> 00:18:32,820
one shoe in the street.
317
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:35,573
And I wondered,
318
00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:39,619
"Where's the other fucking shoe?"
319
00:18:40,578 --> 00:18:43,998
"Why did both shoes not fall out?
I don't understand."
320
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:47,418
And then I had a baby.
321
00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:53,174
And you guys just got
this motherfucking child-lock shit down
322
00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:55,635
a few years ago.
323
00:18:55,718 --> 00:18:57,094
But before then,
324
00:18:57,178 --> 00:19:01,140
the minute these little bastards
could reach out the fucking car seat,
325
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:04,143
they pushed that goddamn window down
326
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:07,480
and take they shoe
and throw it out the goddamn window!
327
00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:11,317
And their fucking socks too.
328
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,069
And you don't even know shit
329
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:16,530
till you get to to the motherfucking
church to take Easter pictures,
330
00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:19,575
this little motherfucker
in the back seat barefooted!
331
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:21,869
"Where's your fucking shoe?!"
332
00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:29,502
[CHUCKLES]
333
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,420
So I get it now.
334
00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:37,718
But luckily, this woman's children
were dressed to my satisfaction.
335
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:41,347
[CHUCKLING] And they was cute too.
336
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:46,185
I was like, "Aw, coochie-coochie,
cute little... So cute. Mmm."
337
00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:49,855
The next person
that got on the plane is a cowboy.
338
00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:51,649
[EXHALES]
339
00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:55,111
[WHINNIES]
340
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,697
[FLAPS LIPS]
341
00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:00,116
[LAUGH]
342
00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:01,617
"Howdy."
343
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:07,289
♪ You don't have to be lonely ♪
344
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:10,501
♪ At FarmersOnly.com ♪
345
00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:16,424
Next we have a military man.
346
00:20:17,508 --> 00:20:19,009
"Okay, retired."
347
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:20,761
"Navy man."
348
00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:23,973
"Thank you for your service."
349
00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:30,730
"Okay... uh! Look at these feet." [SNORTS]
350
00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,523
"Clearly transsexual."
351
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:39,447
"Hey, girl." [LAUGHS]
352
00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:46,912
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
353
00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:04,388
So this white woman gets on the plane.
354
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:06,640
And she sits...
355
00:21:07,808 --> 00:21:09,477
she sits next to me.
356
00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:12,855
And the first thing she do,
slaps the shade down.
357
00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:14,648
- [WOMAN 1] Uh-oh.
- [WOMAN 2] Uh-uh!
358
00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:24,283
You know, in my mind, I'm like, "Ah.
Damn, now I got to deal with this bitch."
359
00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:28,412
'Cause the shade's going up.
360
00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:33,542
Hm.
361
00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:37,463
So I'm like...
362
00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:57,316
[KNOCKING]
363
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:01,195
"Excuse me."
364
00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:05,950
"Would you, um, would you mind
raising the shade back up, please?"
365
00:22:07,117 --> 00:22:09,620
And she looked at me, and she said, "Why?"
366
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:11,705
- [AUDIENCE] Ooh.
- [WOMAN] Uh-uh.
367
00:22:11,789 --> 00:22:12,957
[LUENELL SCOFFS]
368
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:14,416
And I said,
369
00:22:16,085 --> 00:22:18,629
"Well, call it anxiety
or whatever you want,
370
00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:22,049
but I like to see
the takeoff and the landing."
371
00:22:22,132 --> 00:22:24,385
"I mean, what if
something's coming at us?"
372
00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:30,349
And she said,
373
00:22:30,432 --> 00:22:32,184
"What are you gonna do if it is?"
374
00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:43,362
And I said, "Well, I'm gonna know
when to start screaming."
375
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:45,197
"Now open the damn window."
376
00:22:45,281 --> 00:22:50,536
And I reached...- I reached over her,
and I opened that shade for her.
377
00:22:50,619 --> 00:22:55,332
And she said, "Oh my God!
You're totally in my personal space!"
378
00:22:55,416 --> 00:22:56,750
And I said, "Bitch..."
379
00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:58,627
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
380
00:22:58,711 --> 00:23:01,255
"...if you wanted
motherfucking personal space,
381
00:23:01,338 --> 00:23:03,173
you should've chartered a plane, ho,
382
00:23:03,257 --> 00:23:05,426
because everybody on this motherfucker
383
00:23:05,509 --> 00:23:07,970
is in everybody else's
goddamn personal space."
384
00:23:08,053 --> 00:23:09,805
"If you don't motherfucking like it..."
385
00:23:09,889 --> 00:23:11,265
"What? Oh."
386
00:23:11,348 --> 00:23:14,184
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CLAPPING]
387
00:23:28,574 --> 00:23:29,575
"She..."
388
00:23:34,121 --> 00:23:34,955
"I..."
389
00:23:50,554 --> 00:23:53,182
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
390
00:24:08,030 --> 00:24:13,035
Apparently, it's a felony
to go ham on a bitch on a plane,
391
00:24:13,118 --> 00:24:16,455
even if the plane
even took the fuck off yet or nothing.
392
00:24:19,583 --> 00:24:22,044
So, because I take my job
393
00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:25,631
as self-appointed,
unofficial air marshal very seriously,
394
00:24:25,714 --> 00:24:27,716
I promised not to...
395
00:24:30,511 --> 00:24:33,305
say nothing else to the bitch
on the one-hour flight
396
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,183
from Oakland to Las Vegas.
397
00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:37,643
But what I did do...
398
00:24:39,228 --> 00:24:41,897
Remember I said I was gonna
bring back some of that old slang?
399
00:24:41,981 --> 00:24:43,065
[AUDIENCE] Yeah!
400
00:24:43,148 --> 00:24:46,193
What I did do,
some of y'all might recognize this one,
401
00:24:46,276 --> 00:24:48,153
what I did do was I...
402
00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:50,406
I turned and I... I...
403
00:24:50,489 --> 00:24:53,325
I stared a mudhole
in the side of that bitch face
404
00:24:53,409 --> 00:24:55,661
all the motherfucking way to Las Vegas.
405
00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:57,121
"Yeah, turn your head, bitch."
406
00:24:57,204 --> 00:25:00,958
"I'm right here looking at
your motherfucking eardrum, bitch."
407
00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:02,668
"Turn your motherfucking head."
408
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:06,296
Don't you hate that shit,
like somebody cut you the fuck off,
409
00:25:06,380 --> 00:25:09,717
and you actually catch up
with that punk motherfucker at the light,
410
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:13,220
and you wanna flip 'em off so bad,
but they won't look at you?
411
00:25:13,303 --> 00:25:16,140
"Look at me,
you raggedy motherfucker! Fuck you!"
412
00:25:16,223 --> 00:25:19,351
- [INAUDIBLE]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING]
413
00:25:19,435 --> 00:25:20,853
Okay, wait. Uh-huh.
414
00:25:20,936 --> 00:25:22,229
Woosah.
415
00:25:30,612 --> 00:25:32,364
Ladies and gentlemen,
416
00:25:33,907 --> 00:25:36,910
I stand before you tonight as a testimony.
417
00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:40,205
There's a phrase that say,
418
00:25:40,914 --> 00:25:43,584
"Thank God I don't look like
what I been through."
419
00:25:44,126 --> 00:25:46,462
[APPLAUDING]
420
00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:55,345
Ladies and gentlemen,
you may not know this to look at me,
421
00:25:56,346 --> 00:25:58,057
but I belong to the streets.
422
00:25:58,140 --> 00:26:00,476
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
423
00:26:07,900 --> 00:26:08,817
[CHUCKLES]
424
00:26:09,318 --> 00:26:10,152
Yep.
425
00:26:10,944 --> 00:26:12,029
Body count...
426
00:26:12,112 --> 00:26:17,117
♪ High, high, high, high, high! ♪
427
00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:24,208
I been out here throwing
this old pussy around since about...
428
00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:27,211
since the mid-'70s.
429
00:26:28,045 --> 00:26:30,089
BA, BC.
430
00:26:30,172 --> 00:26:32,883
Before AIDS. Before Crack.
431
00:26:32,966 --> 00:26:35,928
Oh, what a time, what a time.
432
00:26:39,515 --> 00:26:42,309
But I'm tired now, goddamn it, shit...
433
00:26:44,728 --> 00:26:45,938
I got about...
434
00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:47,189
I done the math.
435
00:26:48,524 --> 00:26:53,445
I got about 17, 18 good fucks left in me.
436
00:26:54,238 --> 00:26:57,116
I'm shut... I'm shutting
this whole operation down.
437
00:26:59,076 --> 00:27:03,956
You know, you get older,
you got to start thinking about shit.
438
00:27:05,207 --> 00:27:07,000
Like, I been... You know, I'm...
439
00:27:07,084 --> 00:27:10,879
I'm just saying, at what age
do you think we can start to slow down
440
00:27:10,963 --> 00:27:13,924
with all this old pesky
dick-sucking and shit?
441
00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:17,803
Mm. Get somebody else to do it.
442
00:27:22,558 --> 00:27:23,725
No, I'm just...
443
00:27:23,809 --> 00:27:25,853
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
444
00:27:25,936 --> 00:27:28,105
It's enough already.
445
00:27:29,356 --> 00:27:31,608
I mean, you don't think, at 75 years old,
446
00:27:31,692 --> 00:27:34,736
I'mma still be out here
sucking fucking dicks, do you?
447
00:27:35,237 --> 00:27:37,781
"Baby, Auntie don't do that
no more, honey."
448
00:27:38,824 --> 00:27:42,161
"No, I know. You should have
caught me when I was in them streets."
449
00:27:42,244 --> 00:27:43,829
"I used to be a beast!"
450
00:27:44,663 --> 00:27:46,915
"They used to call me Pelican, honey."
451
00:27:46,999 --> 00:27:49,668
[LAUGHING, CHEERING]
452
00:27:50,836 --> 00:27:52,921
"No, Auntie don't do that no more."
453
00:28:03,182 --> 00:28:06,894
I... It's hard out here in these streets.
454
00:28:06,977 --> 00:28:08,228
I admit it.
455
00:28:08,896 --> 00:28:11,231
You don't know which way to turn.
456
00:28:12,024 --> 00:28:14,902
The young guys, your foreplay is trash,
457
00:28:14,985 --> 00:28:16,987
but that dick is so good.
458
00:28:18,155 --> 00:28:21,074
And then you older guys,
your foreplay is amazing,
459
00:28:21,158 --> 00:28:22,367
but that... the dick
460
00:28:24,286 --> 00:28:25,913
is trash.
461
00:28:26,496 --> 00:28:28,540
And it's not your fault!
462
00:28:29,416 --> 00:28:32,753
You know, when you start taking
that blood pressure medicine,
463
00:28:33,462 --> 00:28:35,881
you gotta make a decision.
464
00:28:35,964 --> 00:28:39,176
Do you wanna fuck, or do you wanna live?
But you ain't gonna...
465
00:28:39,259 --> 00:28:41,261
[LAUGHING]
466
00:28:42,304 --> 00:28:45,599
But I'm tired out and done everything
467
00:28:47,184 --> 00:28:49,311
that a bitch in the streets can do.
468
00:28:50,312 --> 00:28:54,650
The weather's changing.
I done fucked in the cold before, though.
469
00:28:54,733 --> 00:28:56,443
I fucked in the cold.
470
00:28:56,526 --> 00:28:58,320
I done fucked in the snow.
471
00:28:58,403 --> 00:29:00,697
I fucked in a hailstorm one time.
472
00:29:00,781 --> 00:29:01,698
That was annoying.
473
00:29:01,782 --> 00:29:03,992
That shit kept hitting me
in the fucking face.
474
00:29:04,076 --> 00:29:05,661
I couldn't fucking concentrate.
475
00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:07,913
Shit almost knocked my tooth out too.
476
00:29:09,790 --> 00:29:12,209
I done fucked in the desert, in the heat.
477
00:29:13,669 --> 00:29:16,338
In the daytime, in the nighttime.
478
00:29:16,421 --> 00:29:18,924
In the front yard, in the backyard.
479
00:29:19,007 --> 00:29:20,509
In the garage.
480
00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:22,970
In the back seat.
481
00:29:23,053 --> 00:29:25,305
On the workbench. In the tool shed.
482
00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:27,140
In a swimming pool.
483
00:29:27,224 --> 00:29:28,934
In a Jacuzzi.
484
00:29:29,017 --> 00:29:30,519
By the putting green.
485
00:29:31,228 --> 00:29:32,604
By the barbecue pit.
486
00:29:32,688 --> 00:29:34,106
In the garden.
487
00:29:34,189 --> 00:29:35,440
On the deck.
488
00:29:35,524 --> 00:29:36,858
On the lawn furniture.
489
00:29:36,942 --> 00:29:38,026
In the kitchen.
490
00:29:38,694 --> 00:29:41,029
On the kitchen... table.
491
00:29:41,113 --> 00:29:42,614
On the kitchen counter.
492
00:29:42,698 --> 00:29:44,116
On the kitchen floor.
493
00:29:44,199 --> 00:29:45,617
In the living room.
494
00:29:45,701 --> 00:29:47,160
On the couch.
495
00:29:47,244 --> 00:29:48,745
On the sofa.
496
00:29:48,829 --> 00:29:50,038
On the carpet.
497
00:29:50,122 --> 00:29:52,499
Shag and regular.
498
00:29:53,417 --> 00:29:56,670
Oh yes, some of y'all remember
that old shag carpet?
499
00:29:57,170 --> 00:30:00,090
Back when them knees was good, bitch.
500
00:30:00,173 --> 00:30:02,926
You could get
about a half-inch of that shag carpet
501
00:30:03,010 --> 00:30:06,179
and just buck back on it.
Just buck, buck back.
502
00:30:06,263 --> 00:30:07,431
Just buck...
503
00:30:07,514 --> 00:30:09,516
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
504
00:30:10,892 --> 00:30:12,769
Oh, just me? Okay.
505
00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:17,024
And I done fucked on the steps.
506
00:30:17,107 --> 00:30:19,443
I fucked in the attic. In the basement.
507
00:30:19,526 --> 00:30:21,069
In the parents' room.
508
00:30:21,153 --> 00:30:22,821
In Grandma and them room.
509
00:30:22,904 --> 00:30:24,281
In the kids' room.
510
00:30:24,364 --> 00:30:27,451
In the Cinderella bed with the canopy.
511
00:30:27,534 --> 00:30:29,745
In the race car bed.
512
00:30:29,828 --> 00:30:33,081
I know, I feel sorry...
I... I felt bad about that one.
513
00:30:33,165 --> 00:30:34,833
I told that boy, "Leave me alone."
514
00:30:34,916 --> 00:30:39,171
And then I done fucked in the rec room.
515
00:30:39,254 --> 00:30:41,256
On the pool table.
516
00:30:41,340 --> 00:30:43,675
Under the ping-pong table.
517
00:30:44,176 --> 00:30:45,510
Curtains open.
518
00:30:45,594 --> 00:30:47,012
Curtains closed.
519
00:30:47,095 --> 00:30:48,221
Lights on.
520
00:30:48,305 --> 00:30:49,806
- Lights off.
- [AUDIENCE] Lights off!
521
00:30:49,890 --> 00:30:51,016
Clothes on.
522
00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:52,559
- Clothes off.
- [AUDIENCE] Clothes off.
523
00:30:52,642 --> 00:30:53,602
Sheets on.
524
00:30:53,685 --> 00:30:55,062
- Sheets off.
- [AUDIENCE] Sheets off.
525
00:30:55,145 --> 00:30:56,188
Twosome.
526
00:30:56,271 --> 00:30:57,356
Threesome.
527
00:30:57,439 --> 00:30:58,440
Foursome.
528
00:30:58,523 --> 00:30:59,441
Orgies.
529
00:30:59,524 --> 00:31:02,235
Weed. Liquor. Cocaine.
530
00:31:02,319 --> 00:31:03,195
Pill.
531
00:31:03,278 --> 00:31:04,196
Mushroom.
532
00:31:04,279 --> 00:31:05,781
Honey. Butter.
533
00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:06,823
Baby oil.
534
00:31:06,907 --> 00:31:07,783
Syrup.
535
00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:09,493
Jelly. Agave.
536
00:31:09,576 --> 00:31:11,286
- Nutella. Whipped cream.
- [CHEERING]
537
00:31:11,370 --> 00:31:12,454
Peanut butter.
538
00:31:12,537 --> 00:31:14,039
Strawberries. Bananas.
539
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:16,333
Green beans, potatoes, tomatoes...
540
00:31:16,416 --> 00:31:17,459
You name it!
541
00:31:17,542 --> 00:31:20,420
Thank you, Oakland. Thank you, Oakland!
542
00:31:20,504 --> 00:31:23,215
[LOUD CHEERING]
543
00:31:40,315 --> 00:31:41,733
[CHEERING FADES]
544
00:31:41,817 --> 00:31:43,985
["CLOSER" BY GOAPELE PLAYING]
545
00:31:44,069 --> 00:31:46,405
♪ Closer to my dreams... ♪
546
00:31:47,989 --> 00:31:50,283
[LUENELL] Everything I am,
547
00:31:51,243 --> 00:31:53,829
everything I represent,
548
00:31:54,454 --> 00:31:56,790
and everything I ride for,
549
00:31:56,873 --> 00:32:00,585
I learned in the streets
of Oakland, California.
550
00:32:00,669 --> 00:32:02,671
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
551
00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:04,756
♪ Closer to my dreams... ♪
552
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:09,219
[LUENELL] I used to catch
the AC Transit bus right out here.
553
00:32:09,302 --> 00:32:12,389
I've been incarcerated right over here.
554
00:32:12,472 --> 00:32:14,057
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
555
00:32:14,683 --> 00:32:19,062
[LUENELL] Everybody in this room
is part of my story.
556
00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:23,150
You know, you guys
have been riding with me
557
00:32:23,233 --> 00:32:25,902
since the Soul Beat Television Network.
558
00:32:25,986 --> 00:32:27,946
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
559
00:32:28,029 --> 00:32:31,741
[LUENELL] And let's not
leave out Dorsey's Locker.
560
00:32:31,825 --> 00:32:34,202
[CHEERING]
561
00:32:34,953 --> 00:32:39,416
[LUENELL] A lot of y'all in here,
I've slept on your floors,
562
00:32:39,499 --> 00:32:41,460
in your garages,
563
00:32:41,543 --> 00:32:43,712
on your couches.
564
00:32:43,795 --> 00:32:46,089
You've picked up my baby,
565
00:32:46,173 --> 00:32:49,301
you've given me rides,
you've helped me out.
566
00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:54,264
I'm riding for Oakland
till the motherfucking wheels fall off.
567
00:32:54,347 --> 00:32:56,808
- Thank you for not giving up on me.
- [ALL CHEERING]
568
00:32:56,892 --> 00:32:58,268
I love all y'all.
569
00:32:58,351 --> 00:33:01,146
Thank you so much.
Thank you, guys. Good night.
570
00:33:01,229 --> 00:33:03,607
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
571
00:33:07,694 --> 00:33:13,533
[MAN] This is protected
by the red, the black, and the green,
572
00:33:13,617 --> 00:33:16,536
at the crossroad, with a key.