[action movie theme plays]
♪ Astro Blaster! ♪
♪ And the Beavermen, aah ♪
[radio DJ] McCreary with the song of the summer,
"Astro Blaster and the Beavermen."
Still playing at a theater near you.
Not seeing Poltergeist 2, man.
That creepy old preacher guy looks like my stepmom.
Sunday morning, Whispering Woody on Z-100.
Here all day. Can't do Hands Across America,
but that does not mean
that I can't hand you two tickets
to see Major Murder defend
his intercontinental championship title.
Worldwide wrestling coming to the Brendan Byrne Arena
- in New Jersey. - [bell dings]
The 100th caller wins.
[singers] ♪ Rocking at the speed of light ♪
♪ The hot rockin' Z! Z-100! ♪
["I Can't Wait" by Nu Shooz playing]
[line ringing]
[phone rings]
China Taste.
Yes. Can I get, uh,
some General Tso's chicken, please?
Sorry, no Tso's.
No Tso's? Did the chickens escape?
No, we're still doing breakfast for the next hour.
- Breakfast? - [chair creaks]
Then can I get two scrambled eggs?
- Toast or fruit? - Ew.
Toast. Burn that fruit before somebody eats it on accident.
Absolutely no fruit. Anything else?
Can I get an orange juice?
Never fruit, but somehow OJ's okay.
Uh, and a pork roll,
- egg and cheese. - [clanks]
Bagel with cream cheese and any other cheese
- you sees, please. - [scoffs]
He's a poet and he didn't even know it.
Anything else?
Yes.
Six and a half almond cookies
and your hand in marriage.
Who is this?
Well, it's not Brian David. That guy's a pud.
He... he sure is.
I haven't heard from you in a long time, Brian David.
- What are you doing? - Calling Melody Barnegat
and I'm making a Morton's jelly donut.
Toaster oven or microwave?
I don't have a toaster oven or a microwave, Richie Rich.
Jesus. Do you guys have a robot maid
in your mansion, Miss Millionaire?
Shut up. Did you really call to order all this food?
No.
I was calling to talk to you.
Oh, yeah? Why?
Uh...
Was wondering...
Do you wanna go to the movies with me today?
You can-- You can totally say no.
Okay.
Uh, s-seriously?
Mm-hmm.
Uh, hold on one second.
[breathes deeply]
Cool.
Yeah, anything but Poltergeist 2.
Uh, because Tobe Hooper didn't direct?
- Who? - The guy who directed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
He made the first Poltergeist even though most people think it was Spielberg.
You sure know a lot about movies.
But I can't see Poltergeist 2 with you
because I'm supposed to go with my mom.
Your mom? Why?
Oh, first one's like her favorite movie ever.
She says it's because she likes ghost stories,
but I know she's lying.
Why would your mom lie about Poltergeist?
My aunt was drunk one night
and she said that when my mom was in eighth grade,
she went to the school dance with the guy
who plays the dad in Poltergeist.
So that's why she likes the movie so much.
Oh, my gosh. She probably gave Craig T. Nelson a hand job.
I'd be so mad you said that right now
if I wasn't so impressed you remember the guy's name.
You sure know a lot about movies.
I know there's a movie you and me gotta go see
that your mom will love.
"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
Remember when we were in the pool last summer?
Do you wanna touch 'em?
Uh, you mean...
[quietly] when I almost let you get to second?
Well, yeah,
but this was right before that.
- [Melody] Marco. - [Brian] Polo.
- [Melody laughing] Marco. - [Brian laughing] Polo.
- [Melody] Marco. - [both laugh]
Why do you wear your shirt in the pool?
Because my tits are bigger than yours?
You should take your shirt off in the pool, just one time.
You should take your shirt off everywhere,
- all the time. - [scoffs]
You're so funny.
All short people are funny.
[radio playing]
It's too loud. I'm reading.
Mom, tell Brian David he's not short.
How about I tell him to get off my daughter instead?
He's not on me. I'm on him.
Get off that boy or the only thing you'll be on is punishment.
Uh, what are you reading, Mrs. Barnegat?
Bucklick.
Holy shit! Your mom just called me a butt-lick!
She said "Bucklick", with a K.
- [Brian laughs] - It's-- it's a book series my mom loves
about a wisecracking detective whose name is U.B. Bucklick.
You be a butt-lick.
- You be a butt-lick. - You be a butt-lick.
[laughing] You be a butt-lick.
♪♪
Do you wanna touch 'em?
[cat yowls irritably]
I totally shoulda touched 'em.
You totally shoulda.
It's, like, the biggest mistake I ever made. Shh.
So why didn't you?
Well, I wanted you to think I was a nice guy.
I did think you were a nice guy
until you stopped calling me.
Well, I'm calling you now because there's a Bucklick movie,
and we totally gotta go see it together.
No way. They made a Bucklick movie?
Ch'yeah, uh,
they-they showed a preview for it
when I saw Top Gun.
It looks really funny, and it's playing in Atlantic.
Wait, then we gotta go.
[speaking Chinese]
[replies in Chinese]
[quietly] Just got yelled at so I gotta hang up. What time's Bucklick?
There's a 2:15 show.
I can't do 2:15. I get off at 2:00
and then I need to go home and shower before I go out
because I smell like an egg roll.
Uh, we could go to the next show at 4:30.
We could, couldn't we?
We should, shouldn't we?
"Could", to "should".
Wow. You move fast.
Except in the pool.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - [chuckles]
- So, you wanna go? - [oven door clanks]
Yeah. Let's go see Bucklick.
Sweet. Then I'll see you
at the 4:30 movie, Melody Barnegat.
I'll see you at the 4:30 movie, Brian David.
B-Bye.
[exhales deeply]
There is a God.
[soft techno music playing]
Off to get the new Starlog.
It's kind of brisk out.
A very unassuming day.
Nothing fantastic happening.
♪♪
[Brian] Morning, Cookie.
[Cookie] Mr. B.D.
Uh, you on the schedule today?
Nope. I'm gonna go sit on the dock
and read the new Starlog,
then I'm going to the movies.
Man, you and your movies.
Shit's not real, you know.
Like that movie E.T.?
That never happened.
That movie Conan?
Never happened.
That movie Gandhi?
Shit never happened.
I'm pretty sure Gandhi happened.
Well, that shit happened for three hours,
so I stopped watching it.
You heard that new Run-D.M.C. album?
- Fresh. - Super fresh, right?
Chilly most.
Gandhi definitely happened.
It didn't happen!
No, it definitely happened.
Star Wars did!
[soft music playing]
May 25th, 1986.
[seagull squawks]
Today is a big day.
I finally called Melody Barnegat
and invited her out to the movies.
Why, you ask? [sighs]
One word.
Love.
I got a 24-karat case of love.
[pop music playing]
Mrs. B's making bacon for breakfast!
It's not for breakfast.
It's for you guys to bring to the movies.
- [pan clinks] - This is movie bacon?
It's cheaper than that rip-off candy counter,
and bacon's better for you than all that popcorn.
- [Brian] Hmm. - You're growing boys.
You need bacon to build big, strong hearts.
[sings theme song] ♪ Coo roo coo coo, coo loo coo coo! ♪
"Oh, g'day. I'm Bob Mackenzie and this is my brother Doug."
- "How's it going, eh?" - [hums reply]
- Is that my movie bacon? - Ah! Don't touch it yet.
I gotta put the mayonnaise on it first.
Are we really gonna be
sneaking around the movies all day?
I heard that Danny Banks got caught doing that last week
and they banned him for life.
Danny Banks isn't as slick as us.
But Bucklick is rated R.
We do not look old enough to get into a rated R movie.
We gotta...
because I called Melody Barnegat this morning
and told her we were going.
You talked to Melody Barnegat this morning?
Well, was that before or after the donut?
Before. I asked her out.
She's coming to the 4:30 movie with us.
You asked Melody Barnegat out on a movie date?
- Brothers? - Brothers.
- Do you care? - I don't care.
But guess who will?
Melody Barnegat?
Merry Melody Barnegat?
Yes, Melody Barnegat.
Dude, she's a Spirit Bunny!
She's a cheerleader.
She's younger than us.
By one grade, and she would've been in our class,
but she missed the cutoff date by a month
because her birthday is in November.
Dude, you know when her birthday is?
Well, holy shit, Billy Idol. When is the white wedding?
What do you got against Melanie Barnegat, okay?
She's super sweet.
She's super short.
She's not much shorter than me.
She's shorter than the Mets chance
of making it to the playoffs this year.
- Oh, my God. - [Belly] I don't know, Burn.
Mets beat the Padres 5-4 last night.
Yeah, and the Padres beat the Mets 7-4 on Friday.
What's your point, Bell?
Yeah, but the way they're playing,
they're saying the Mets could go all the way.
The Mets have as good of a chance
of making it to the World Series
as Bri does of making it with Midgety Barnegat.
Melody Barnegat's not a midget.
She's fresh, and I'm gonna ask her out.
- You already did. - To the movies, but,
after we see Bucklick, I'm gonna...
ask her out, ask her out.
Like, to go steady. [sighs]
What?
Wha-- [stammers]
Why?
Why? Because we made out in her pool last summer.
Yeah, one time! With your shirt on!
And all you almost got was a little bit of titty.
And very little, might I add, because she is...
fairly flat-chested.
Ch'yeah. She's not flat-chested.
[Burny] Oh, so you're the expert now?
Look, Bri, baby,
I've gone with way more girls in the pool than you have,
all right? With my shirt off.
I've been thinking about asking Melody out all year.
She's really smart. She thinks I'm funny.
Oh, she can't be too smart if she thinks you're funny.
Like washing your truck three times a day is some sign of intelligence.
Hey, hey, hey! Don't bring the Truckster into this, okay?
You can actually get inside of the Truckster,
which is way more than you'll ever be able to do
with Melody Barnegat.
Bri, she's beneath you.
I'm trying to get her on top of me.
For what?
For sex, Burny!
But-but you're-- you're the guy, Bri.
You get on top of her, right?
- I gotta teach him everything. - But I'm always laying down when I jerk off,
- so I don't think I can bust a nut any other way. - Ew!
Hey! Hey! Come on!
You think I wanna hear about your nasty jerk-off techniques?
No, I don't!
- The match... - Major Murder promo!
You gotta learn how to be a man, Bri.
Be a man like Major Murder.
[theme song playing on TV]
- Like Major Murder. - Yeah, like Major Murder.
Major Murder is not a man.
He's a fictional character.
He's got character.
Especially when he's in the ring kicking ass.
[indistinct TV chatter]
Call the police, because there's gonna be a murder
in New Jersey, wrestling fans.
Coming to the Brendan Byrne Arena in East Rutherford,
the Master of Disaster himself,
the Savage Soldier,
it's Major Murder!
- Is this thing on? - Yes.
'Cause I got something to say to all the sissy civilians out there.
- [Burny grunting] - Aw, hell, Mad Brad.
You hearing me, Believer?
Major Murder's got his orders to kick your ass.
So I'm gonna storm those cheeks
like it's Omaha Beach! Hoorah!
[Brad] Now, Major, it sounds to me
like you intend on holding on
to your intercontinental championship title. Is that right?
If you gotta ask,
then you ain't up to the task, soldier!
- [bike revs] - At ease, ya sleaze.
Major Murder says
dis... missed!
Well, there you have it.
Let's all be thankful that the Major fights
for the side of these United States
and not those Soviets.
Major Murder is bad to the bone!
The guy literally rides a camouflage motorcycle,
for God's sakes.
He would never be dating little Melody Barnegat.
You can bet your ass on that.
Because she's a teenager and he's, like, 100 years old.
You would never say that to his face,
'cause he'd put the Grip of Death on you. Huh.
[as Mad Brad] Even though he was 17 years old...
[normal voice] Burny O'Donnell still believed wrestling was real!
- [all chuckle] - Yeah.
- Is wrestling not real? - Hey!
[Burny] Can you rip the grip?
- Say wrestling's real! - Get off me!
Say wrestling's real!
- [thuds] - Aw, yeah! Are we wrestlin'?
- [thuds] - [grunting]
["I Feel For You" by Chaka Khan playing]
[song continues]
- [Burny] I ain't doin' it. - [Belly] Why not?
[Burny] 'Cause the idea of everybody touching everybody's disgusting.
- [Brian scoffs] - [mumbles indistinct]
Burny mistakenly believed
"Everybody Touching Everybody's Disgusting"
was the original name for Hands Across America.
- [Belly] Brothers? - [Brian] No, Bells. I'm just mocking Burny
for being against Hands Across America.
- Ah, hands across my dick. - [laughs]
Can't believe they're not playing Poltergeist 2 here.
Well, there's no way that shit's gonna be as good as Poltergeist 1.
It's not "Poltergeist 1." It's still just Poltergeist.
When they make a sequel, they don't suddenly stick a number on the first flick.
Sometimes I wanna stick a power cable in your big mouth,
like Brody did Jaws in Jaws 2.
I like how they killed Jaws better in Jaws 1.
Belly, it's just Jaws.
Unless we're talking Godfather 2,
Escape From the Planet of the Apes, or Empire,
no sequel's ever as good as the original.
All right, well, as long as that creepy little chick's
coming back from Poltergeist 1, I'll be there.
[imitating character] "Cross over, children!
All are welcome."
Melody Barnegat's mom--
Ooh! I'm so sorry. Um, Melody Barnegat's mom
went to a dance with the dad from Poltergeist
- when she was in eighth grade. - Oh, yeah.
- I bet she jerked him off! - That's what I said.
Oh, then why did you ask her to come to the movies today?
Melody's mom's not coming to the movies with us.
Not her mom. Melody. Why is she coming with us?
Because I like Melody Barnegat.
Ah, you don't know shit about women, Bri.
- Oh, my God. - I do, right?
And I know she's not the woman for you
because she's not a woman at all.
She's a little girl.
Melody Barnegat is not a little girl, Burny.
- She's like a lady. - Ah, yeah.
Like the creepy lady from Poltergeist 1.
It's just Poltergeist!
Who wants some more of Mom's bacon?
Put that away till we get inside, bacon bits.
Oh, shit. Here comes the car.
["I Feel For You" continues]
[car honks]
That car blows.
No way! It's like a Batmobile.
Who cares? Batman's a stupid old TV show.
I read in Starlog, they said they're gonna make a new Batman movie.
[scoffs] It'll flop.
Nobody's ever gonna pay to see a Batman movie.
What a disgusting town.
[scoffs]
["I Feel For You" continues]
Get someone out here and make sure
none of these disgusting poors touches my Moviemobile.
Aye aye, Cap'n Bligh.
Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas,
where the movies come to play.
When we get inside, remember,
we're getting tickets for Astro Blaster
because Bucklick and Dental School
are both rated R.
I can drive a car at 17 and join the army,
but I gotta wait till I'm 18 to see rated R movies.
Might as well live in Russia.
[as Yakov Smirnoff] In Soviet Union,
you don't see R-rated movie.
R-rated movie sees you.
"Ah, what a country!"
[giggles]
I need new friends.
Hi.
Astro Blaster and the Beavermen?
[dispenser clanks, whirs]
Can I get, uh, one ticket
to Astro Blaster and the Beavermen?
[coins clink]
- [sighs] - [dispenser clanks, whirs]
- Hey, girl! - [coin clinks]
Can I get, uh, one ticket to, uh,
- "Ass-blaster"? - [velcro ripping]
'Cause, uh, you know, that's what the ladies call me.
[seductively] Ass-Blaster.
[dispenser clanks, whirs]
[both hiss in pity]
She was playing hard to get.
Okay. Um, we'll save seats.
You get in line?
- That look like it hurt. - She gave me a look.
You can't give them cut-sies when they get back.
What do you care? We're behind you.
Well, I'll tell my dad.
[mocking] Oh, you'll tell your dad. So what?
I don't care what you tell your dad, little kid.
- Dad. - Hmm?
He showed me his privates.
- He did what? - I-I--
Have fun. Don't run.
[mocking] "Have fun, don't run."
Have fun.
[serenely] And I hope you die.
Have fun. Don't run.
You had to mess with Manager Mike.
I'm not scared of that spaz.
Now if he sees us in Bucklick,
he'll remember us as the guys from Astro Blaster
- who made fun of him. - Oh, the "guys"?
You mean "the guy"? 'Cause you didn't say shit.
I'm trying to be incognito
so we can sneak into the other movies all day
- after we see this one. - Oh. Uh-huh,
and how many times have you seen Astro Blaster?
Fourteen times.
Oh. And you wonder why you don't get laid.
I don't get laid 'cause I'm Catholic.
I'm Catholic! That don't stop me from getting laid.
I even did it in the church basement one time.
[Brian] Is the church basement what you call your sphincter?
[Burny] You're a sphincter.
Uh, where is Bells?
[tapping on glass]
- Uh, what the hell? - I got thrown out.
- For what? - For being a little sex fiend.
Are you with that pervert?
Uh, I mean...
- We go to the same school. - You're such a sellout.
That pervert's our boy, Belly.
Well, your boy Belly's been bounced.
You wanna join him, be my guest.
But keep the door closed. Don't let my AC out.
[loudly] You touch my car, I call the cops!
[louder] You touch my car,
I call the cops!
You can't hear me? I can't hear you.
I won. [scoffs]
[muffled] Meet me out back.
Jesus. Meet me out back.
[sighs] All right.
Can you get me some Twizzlers? I'll go get Bells.
Can I eat you one of your Twizzlers?
[chuckles] You can eat this Twizzler.
Ah. S'up, Stank?
- Oh, hey. S'up? How you doing? - Good.
D-didn't I see you at Rocky IV couple of months ago?
- Yeah. - Oh, man.
I can't stop thinking about that movie.
- It was crazy. - So good, right?
I couldn't believe that Rocky lived.
- Yeah. - E-even so, I was like,
"That movie's... [stammers] really hard to follow."
You know, 'cause it's like, it was like you think he's gonna be dead
'cause he's all, like, bloody and stuff.
Then he's just like... [sings fanfare]
Just like...
- [imitates blow landing] - Whoa!
And then-- But then the other guy was like...
[imitates blow landing] And there's blood and all this spit.
[imitates spit spraying]
- Yeah. - And it all came out.
- [chuckles] - It-it was cool.
Remember when the blonde guy...
The Ru-- He's Russian.
I don't know where he's from,
but he-he's just like... [imitates punch]
I don't think it matters where he's from.
[chuckles] A-and then--
and-and-and he just, like, punched him so hard.
- Remember that? - Yeah. It was the climax.
He climaxed?
No, it was the climax of the film.
Yeah, it was so cool. [chuckles]
But I just thought it was kind of fake.
[chuckles]
What, for free?
You know I don't got any bread.
Ah, but you got bacon.
Did you see my new Stryper jacket?
Oh, cool.
- Rock on. - Yeah.
Well, not-- No, actually.
Rock on without the horns, 'cause...
- [taps thigh] - Hell is for pussies.
It's for-- Heaven's where it's at.
H-have you been saved?
- What? - Have you been saved?
- By Jesus? - [scoffs]
No, by Tony Danza.
Yeah, by Jesus.
Um, I-I guess. I'm an altar boy and I go to church.
Good for you. So I guess we'll be in heaven together,
spitting down on all those heathens.
- Yeah. - [both chuckle]
You're not doing Hands Across America either?
- Nah, not this year. - Yeah.
I asked a bunch of people, but, um...
Yeah, I...
No one wanted to do it with me.
They already had people that they were doing hands with, so...
I mean, I understand, 'cause it's kind of like
you have to know somebody really well
to, like, stand next to somebody
and, like, give them a hand job.
But you know, just for bringing people together,
it's, like, kind of a lot to ask, I guess.
- Here we go. - Thanks.
How many previews do you think we get?
It's always three.
I hope we get The Fly.
I hope we get Aliens and Labyrinth.
[thoughtful music plays]
[narrator] Her name is Sister Sarah Wallace,
and she is unlike any nun you've ever met.
- Hey, guys. - Hi.
- Hi! - She's young.
- She's fun. - [laughs]
[indistinct chatter]
Yes! Yes! High five!
And she's got a secret.
They stole all the food for the orphans!
What are we gonna do?
[dramatic music]
To feed the hungry kids at her orphanage,
this naughty nun will develop
some filthy habits.
[saxophone music plays]
[narrator speaking]
How come the nuns were never secret hookers when we were in school?
One time I pulled my pud to the thought of sex with Sister Anne.
[breathes deeply]
Was guilty as hell afterwards.
You're gonna burn, sinner.
Hey, don't tell anybody I told you that.
Who would I tell?
You're out here swimming around in a toilet bowl.
But you're a nun. Not a hooker!
Well, maybe God wants me to be both!
- [sax music resumes] - [narrator] A nun by day...
Ready? Yeah! [laughing]
[narrator] ...and a hooker by night.
Hey, Sister!
I got something for your poor box!
Let's see what's under that wig.
- Oh, hell, no! - [knife clinks]
- [screams] - [screams]
- [narrator] Say a prayer for... - [laughing]
[people clamoring]
[narrator speaking]
Rated R.
We're definitely seeing that.
Imagine if the nuns were secret hookers
when we were in school.
Number one, I already said that.
And number two, one time Burny jerked off
thinking about sister Anne.
- [laughs] - Dude!
[insects chirring]
[uneasy music plays]
[man breathing gruffly]
[woman panting]
- [blade plunges] - [man roars]
"The Health Nut"? Huh.
Get outta here with this shit.
Well, they banned it in Scandinavia.
That slasher isn't fit
to wipe the blood off the blades of Leatherface,
Michael Myers or Freddy Krueger.
You haven't even seen the movie yet, Judge Wapner.
I don't need to see the movie,
'cause I'm the greatest horror movie expert
you've ever met.
Stupid piece of shit.
Question for the expert.
Who wins in a fight between Jason, Freddy,
Leatherface, and Michael Myers?
My man, Jason Voorhees.
[imitates buzzer] The correct answer to the question
"Who wins in a fight between Jason, Freddy,
Leatherface, and Michael Myers?" is...
the audience!
- We all win. - [clicks]
Idiot.
[cheerful '80s music plays]
[thuds]
Morning, gorgeous.
Morning. What'cha havin'? The usual?
[loud sigh]
I gotta unload before I reload. [chuckles]
[sighs heavily]
[horror movie music plays]
- [zipper unzips] - [grunts]
- [farts] - [groans]
[skittering]
[repeated wet punches]
Oh!
[screams] Oh, my God!
Oh!
[screaming]
[urgent music plays]
[thumping]
[alien speech]
[screams]
[roars]
So they crawl up your butt.
Oh, Mr. Wizard over here.
I can't believe this place is so empty.
When did this come out?
Astro Blaster? Back in March.
Remember, we snuck into Highlander after we saw Astro Blaster?
I remember Burny missing half of Highlander
because he was feeling up Susie Bukachyk the whole time.
Eh, Bukachyk's so Catholic,
she only let me touch her left titty.
That's why he calls her the "Kurgan."
Why?
[dramatic voice] "There can be only one!"
- [laughs] - S...
- Sorry. - It's starting.
[chuckles]
♪ Astro Blaster ♪
♪ And the Beavermen ♪
["Astro Blaster and the Beavermen" playing]
♪ Astro Blaster ♪
♪ Friend to the Beavermen and the Beaverwomen ♪
[whispers] It's Jessica Court.
[Burny chuckles lightly]
[whispers] Watch this.
[thuds]
You got Burned.
Burny!
Who the hell is this?
Oh, this is Burny. I graduated with his brother.
Uh, Burny, this is Randi.
- Where are you from, hon? - "Hon"?
I'm from the Bay Area.
Bay Avenue?
San Francisco.
Oh, we met at school.
Ah.
So, how's college?
Is it all orgies in the dorms?
Dorms? We don't live in the dorms.
- My God. - Shh.
I'm Damocles of the Beavermen, damn it!
And that means one damn thing.
I rule the beaver.
You haven't seen this yet?
No. Did you?
Yeah. It's stupid.
Like, stupid fun?
Eh. Mm, it's not as stupid fun
as you and me making out to Goonies.
Oh. And it was in the same theater.
- Yeah. - Hmm.
Maybe we should take a little walk down memory lane
in the back row, huh?
- No way. - [chuckles]
I'm here with Randi and Barbara.
So?
I'm here with Brian and Bells. Who gives a shit?
- You know you wanna. - [taps chair]
- [whispers indistinctly] - [groans, mutters]
Excuse me. I'm gonna be, uh, just right back.
You're just flat leaving us?
Is there a Brian David here?
- I'm looking for Brian David. - [audience shushes]
Holy shit, I can't hear the movie!
Eat shit, asshole!
- Brian David. - [audience clamors]
Come see the manager in the lobby, ASAP.
Brian David. Brian David.
Should I go?
Godspeed.
[chair rattles]
I'm terrified by what's about to happen.
Uh, I'm Brian David.
So I'm on the phone with my Paramount rep.
That's Paramount Pictures, mind you.
Godfather, Godfather Part II.
And all of a sudden, the operator interrupts us
with an emergency breakthrough
from your mother.
Mom, uh, w-what's wrong?
You are giving this cat a bath when you get home tonight.
You made an emergency breakthrough to tell me that?
That's how filthy this cat is!
Cats are self-cleaning, Ma, and they hate water.
No, that's only in cartoons, Brian.
Okay, I'll give the cat a bath when I get home, um, I promise.
- But I gotta go. - Oh, okay!
Big important man doesn't have time to talk
to his mother who gave birth to him.
You know, I lost one before you and one after you.
I can't really talk about my dead ghost siblings, Ma.
The manager is waiting for his phone back.
Well, I was waiting for a thank-you note
from your cousin Allison,
which just came in the mail today.
I sent a wedding present to that dummy
after she eloped with some twerp.
Listen to this BS!
Pardon my French, Blessed Mother.
Listen to this. "Dear Aunt Grace,
Thank you for the wedding present.
We love the bed linens from Bradley's,
but when we opened the package,
there were two fitted sheets and no top sheet.
It's a little hard to sleep between two fitted sheets,
so we're gonna bring them back and get a correct set.
Thank you so much, Allison."
[scoffs] "It's a little hard
to sleep between two fitted sheets."
Well, then don't get married!
Ma, the manager's staring at me
because, uh, we're tying up the phone.
Well, tell him to hold his horses.
I'm not telling him that.
You don't have to. I can hear her.
He can hear you, Ma.
That means both of you can hear me when I say,
"Get off the phone
or I'm ejecting you from the theater!"
I gotta go, Ma.
Well, I love you, tiger.
Okay, I'll see you tonight.
Oh, okay, Fonzie.
Too cool to say "I love you" back to your mother?
I'm in public, Ma.
Oh, I did 18 hours of labor in public
bringing you into this world.
Tell her you love her, Fonzie.
I love you. Goodbye, Ma.
Sorry, uh, my mom's mad at my cousin.
I don't care about your family ties, Alex P. Keaton.
This isn't the party line where the action never stops
for 89 cents a minute. This...
is a business phone.
And that business is show business,
as in lights, camera, and action.
- [phone rings] - Oh. See?
People trying to call.
Atlantic Cinemas, where the movies come to play.
Manager Mike speaking. How can I help you?
It's your mother again.
- Hello? - You hung up.
I thought we were done.
Since when don't you wait
to hear me say "I love you too"?
The manager was staring at me.
You could be riding your bike home tonight
and get run over by a bus.
And as you die there in the gutter, you'd realize
that you missed your last chance
to hear your only mother say "I love you."
Ah-- I don't want that!
You don't want what? Me to get hit by a bus
or me to have regrets when I die from getting hit by a bus?
Christopher Columbus! I don't even wanna think
about you getting hit by a bus!
Well, then why'd you say-- Can I go now?
[sighs] How's the movie?
I don't know! Because I've been on the phone with you the whole time.
Who's that?
- Your son. - The short one?
- [gasps] - Oh, my God.
Crumbs! You think he's not self-conscious enough already?
- I thought he was at the movies. - He's there now.
Ask him if the movie is any good.
Your father wants to know if your movie's good or not.
I don't know,
because I've been on the phone with you the whole time.
Listen, I-I love you, but I gotta go.
I love you too, tiger.
W-w-w-w-whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, what about me?
Yes, I love you too.
Ah, not that. What does Igor say?
I'm in public, Dad.
What does Igor say?
[as Igor] Good night, Master.
[chuckles]
[both laugh]
I made him do the Igor.
You're not from around here, stranger.
Why, you don't even have buck teeth.
Or a tail.
I'm from Earth.
You're from Earth?
Yes. I'm Astro Blaster.
Astro Blaster?
Yeah. I'm the drummer in a Van Halen cover band.
[Burny panting]
Man, my mom made an emergency breakthrough to talk about the cat.
[scoffs] Can you believe that shit?
I said, "can you believe that shit?"
She called to tell me how she give the cat--
Oh, my God, you guys--
You guys were doing it right here?
I-in front of Astro Blaster?
- A-and the Beavermen? Oh! - [chair rattles]
In a Van Halen cover band?
Yes. It's a big deal.
It's a big deal?
Yeah, I just said that.
You just said that.
[chair rattles]
Burny's having sex during the movie.
The guy's got no respect for cinema.
Am I right, Bells?
- Bells? - [snoring]
- [grunting] - [chair rattling]
[panting]
[gulping] Mmm.
[slurping]
What'd I miss?
Jesus.
Here's the beef, okay?
We've nearly depleted our entire strategic popcorn supply.
Do you know what that means?
No.
That means I have to call
every theater in a ten-mile radius
offering crazy money
to buy their crappy popcorn,
only to get laughed at and mocked by managers
telling me I can't hack it in the movie biz.
But just when scuzzy old Strathmore Cinema--
the home of the cruddiest corn in the country-- is saying yes,
and I am swallowing my pride
to close a deal,
all of a sudden...
I get an emergency breakthrough.
I'm really sorry about my mom.
It's not your mom this time.
Hey, hey. Have fun. Don't run.
- Hello? - Hey, Brian, it's Melody.
I'm sorry to call you like this.
- Is something wrong? - A little. Um,
I can't go to the 4:30 movie with you
because my mom says I gotta stay home for supper.
But she said I can go after I eat.
Yeah?
Okay, that's-- that's awesome, uh...
Bucklick plays again at 7:15.
I'll be there around 7:00, as soon as I'm done with dinner.
You want me to bring you a pork chop?
[lisping] "Pork chopsh and appleshaush.
Isn't that shwell?" [chuckles]
What?
That's from The Brady Bunch.
Wow. You sure know a lot about movies and TV shows.
Hey, I'll see you "latey," Peter Brady.
Bye. [chuckles]
Sorry.
[imitating Brian] "Pork chops and applesauce."
God.
Worst moment of your life was the day your mom found out
she could make an emergency breakthrough.
That wasn't my mom. That was Melody.
She called you at the movies?
[As Jessica Walters] "Oh, play Misty for me."
She did tell me she can't come to the 4:30 movie.
Oh, yeah? Good.
So she's coming to the 7:15 show.
What? Now she's coming to Dental School?
There's gonna be a ton of titties in that movie, all right?
I'm not trying to be looking at naked ladies
while I'm sitting next to a girl.
Well, I was gonna say we could go to the 4:30 movie of Dental School,
and then we all see Bucklick at 7:15.
Why are we moving the schedule around
for Melody Barnegat? Hmm? [scoffs]
We're supposed to be seeing movies today.
You see a lot of this movie from behind Jessica Court
- or what? - Okay. S-s-s-see,
that's different, okay? That wasn't planned.
That's what you'll say about the kid she's gonna have in nine months.
Ch'yeah, right. I wore a rubber.
Who brings rubbers to the movies?
- I do. - Why?
Because what if the movie sucks?
You walk out. You don't pull out.
If I'm wearing a rubber,
why would I pull out?
There's a damn force field around that damn fortress.
We need to bail out now.
I'm not coming, Damocles.
What in the damn hell?
Look, we only got one shot at this, all right?
So I'm gonna stay here and steer the ship.
Damn it, man! Why?
Back on Earth, I'm just a drummer
in a Van Halen cover band, man.
Okay, but here in space, I can be so much more, Damocles.
I can be the kind of guy I always wanted to be.
I can be the kind of guy they call a hero.
Well, since you've made your damn mind up about it,
then I, Damocles of the Beavermen,
do hereby swear by the eternal Morning Wood
that you, Astro Blaster of Earth,
are the bravest damn hero in the damn galaxy.
Where I'm from, there's a name for people like that.
They're called Americans.
Van Halen cover band!
I'm gonna wake up Belly. The movie's almost over,
so he's gotta go hide in the bathroom before the lights come up.
Get off my bacon!
- Nobody's after your bacon. - [Brian sighs]
Go hide in the bathroom, meet us in Dental School.
But then I'll miss the end of the movie.
So? You already slept through half of it anyways.
Now go.
And don't let Manager Mike see you.
Stealth.
[chuckles] I love this part. Look.
A drummer always does it for the beaver.
[flushing]
[door opens]
[indistinct chatter]
[door creaks, closes]
[chuckling]
"Sex poo."
[belt buckle jingling]
[Belly gasping, panting]
For the beaver!
♪ Astro Blaster! ♪
- [yells] Van Halen! - ♪ And the Beavermen, aah ♪
- [music continues] - Van Halen! Van Halen!
Why do we always have to sit through these stupid credits?
Remember when we saw Young Sherlock Holmes?
And at the end of the credits they had one more scene?
That was one in a million movies,
and that flick flopped.
So they're never gonna be doing an after-credits scene
in a movie ever again.
See? Waste of time.
We're going for snacks?
- What if Manager Mike sees us? - Screw that guy.
He's probably porkin' the popcorn.
Huh? Bopping your baloney in a public bathroom?!
Open the door, Tommy.
Mashing your monkey?! Noodling your nugget?!
You are banned for life, playboy.
You disgust me!
Masturbating in a public area
is only fun for one person.
Write that down, Philip.
[no audio]
[muffled] Meet me out back.
Meet me out back...
again.
Enjoy the movie.
Dick.
[scoffs] Hi.
Go away, little girl. This movie's rated R.
I know. I just wanted to ask a question.
Why are you talking to me? No one talks to me.
Yeah, b-but, I mean, but you--
Is it awesome to work here?
No, it sucks to work here.
But you get to see all the movies.
Movies suck. This movie sucks.
Half the town and their mother is here.
Which is fine, 'cause Americans have no taste.
You know why? 'Cause Americans have no future.
America sucks.
Now, please, run along. Change your diaper.
- We don't have a future? [stammers] - What are you doing?
- Don't-- [stammers] - What's going on with your hands?
- Why do you think America sucks? - You're being really jumpy.
- Since-since when? - Why are you coming so close to me?
Haven't you even seen The Day After?
If Russia decides to nuke us, we're done.
Kaput. Kentucky fried chickens. [exhales]
And I actually welcome it. I say bring it.
Take me now, so I never have to see Dental School ever again.
You don't like Dental School?
I've never actually seen it.
I just hear it all day and night.
You're pulling your pud in public?
Public masturbation is only ever fun for one person
- at a time. - Shut up!
[dramatic music]
I mean, if Gorby gets a hot trigger finger,
we are Canadian bacon over here in America.
Just crushed.
Isn't there a shield or something?
[scoffs] A shield?
You know anything about Star Wars?
I know everything about Star Wars.
You do? So then you know everything
about Reagan's Strategic Defense Initiative,
the Star Wars program?
Oh, um, what? I thought you meant--
Oh, oh, you thought I meant that excruciating space opera.
No, thank you. You know, I thank our nonexistent God every day
that there will never be another Star Wars movie made.
We're-- we're at the end of Star Wars.
You know what I mean? W-what would they do next?
Go back and start telling us episode one, two, and three?
Can you imagine if they were like,
"Let's break it up into little TV series"?
Pfft. Yeah, right!
I mean, you gotta be out of your mind. [laughs]
Like, "We wanna follow some side stories
of small characters."
Like, "Oh, I wonder what Boba Fett's doing.
I wanna invest my time in that."
Get out of here! [laughs]
I don't care about that stuff! I don't even like Star Wars.
Gotta go!
What an asshole.
I need you to clean the men's room.
Somebody took a shit in a urinal.
"Somebody" or you, Mike?
- [panting] - Hmm...
[Burny chuckles] Oh.
Uh, what happened? I had him distracted.
The place was packed. There's only one seat open.
Because of you and Melody, now we can't even see Dental School!
You don't hear Belly belly-aching.
Because Belly's an idiot.
No more bacon for Burny.
So? Do you think I give a shit?
[girl] Hey!
You just said "shit" in front of my little sister.
She's only six.
[scoffs]
Get out of my face, four eyes.
Hey! What are you-- Let go of me!
- [girls screaming] - Ow! Stop! Get 'em off of me!
- [girls screeching] - [Burny yelling]
Boys, boys, boys.
[tense music plays]
In the words of the tagline
from the Commando poster,
"Somewhere, somehow, someone's going to pay".
[chuckles]
What's wrong with you? Get out! Get-- get out!
[Brian grunts]
You Three Stooges are banned for life!
[screams] Suck my left nut!
Not today.
- [door closes] - [yells furiously]
- [growls] - Burny, wait!
- [growls] - [footsteps tap]
Stop holding hands!
Where are you going? We gotta fix this!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Because of you two,
I just got the shit kicked out of me
by three little girls.
Who cares? We just got banned for life!
Yeah. Like Danny Banks.
How am I supposed to take Melody to see Bucklick now?
Melody? Melody, Melody, Melody!
Man, this is all her fault!
How? She's not even here!
'Cause ever since you asked her to come to the movies with us,
we've been moving everything around for her,
and now we're banned for life.
[scoffs] We're banned because you picked a fight
- with a nine-year-old! - Bullshit!
We would be in that theater right now
watching Bucklick,
but you had to invite Melody!
Holy shit, what? What the hell
is your obsession with Melody Barnegat?
You're the one obsessed with Melody Barnegat!
We just gotta deal with it.
- Deal with what?! - That she's a goddamn sophomore!
Who cares? Big whoop! We're goddamn juniors!
But we're gonna be seniors in September, Bri.
And then you'll be all like, "Oh, Melody's a stupid junior.
- Doodly doodly doo!" - No, no, no. Don't-- Don't "doodly doo" me, okay?
You're the one that's trying to make out
with this little Ewok-looking bitch!
What are you doing?
What the hell are you doing?
- We're gonna fight. - Oh, yeah.
- We're gonna fight? - Yeah, we're gonna fight!
I'm tired of you making fun of Melody, okay?
So put up your dukes.
Put up my dukes. [laughs]
If I put up one of my dukes, I will kill you.
Come on, guys. Friends don't fight.
Friends?! You call this friendship?
He cares about his stupid truck
more than he cares about my feelings!
So let's go. Let's go!
Fight me. I dare you.
I don't fight midgets.
- [punch lands] - [onlookers shout]
[breathing shakily]
You do now.
- You stupid-- - [woman] Hey!
[Belly] Hey! Guys! Hey, hey!
Guys, stop it. Stop it!
- [grunting] - Stop! Stop, stop it!
Stop it!
Burny is not obsessed with Melody Barnegat.
Thank you, Bells.
He's threatened by her.
W-What?
Why the hell would I be threatened
by that little carpenter's dream?
She's as flat as a board and as easy to nail.
- No, she's not! - Knock it off.
Can't you see Brian idolizes you?
Idolize Burn Boy? Oh, I do not.
Oh, yes, you do.
You look up to him because he's confident,
which is something you can never be,
because you think you're too short.
He is too short.
He should be looking at the sky,
saying "Da plane! Da plane!"
- Do something! - Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Burny, you keep running down his dream
about dating Melody Barnegat,
all threatened by the girl,
just because Brian is in love with her.
Whoa, I never said I was in love with Melody Barnegat.
Uh, well, you are.
You've been talking about her since last summer
'cause she makes you feel good about yourself.
She makes you forget that you think you're short.
He is short. He's a four-foot freak.
- Oh, and you're a control freak. - Yeah!
So you're afraid Brian's gonna start spending
all his time with Melody instead of you.
Yeah, but you can't admit that to yourself
because you think being a man
means being tough like Major Murder.
What's tougher than fighting your friend
over the woman you love?
I know you guys think I'm dumb or something,
but I am not dumb.
Okay, I just don't talk as much as the two of you
since you guys never shut the hell up!
Ah.
So that gives me a lot of time to listen,
and... in all the years I've been listening,
here's what I've learned.
You know movies.
You know women.
Yeah, I do.
But I know you guys
better than the two of you know yourselves.
So it's time for you to stop looking for Burny's approval on everything.
It's time for you to start letting Brian be his own man.
[scoffs] By all means.
And it's time both of you assholes apologize to me
for making fun of my mom's bacon
even though you ate the shit out of it all day!
You're right.
Eh... [scoffs]
Come on. Burny.
You're adults!
Stop touching each other!
[mellow pop music playing]
[music continues]
[vehicle approaching]
[motorcycle engine stops]
Hey-- hey, excuse me? Excuse me?
Oh, excuse me!
Holy shit, it is you!
You're-- you're Major Murder.
[in character] At ease, ya sleaze.
I-I-- I'm your biggest fan. I gotta be honest.
Um, I know all your fights.
That's a major thank you from Major Murder.
But, uh, I'm here to see someone really special.
[bird squawking]
Ahh. Is that your daughter?
[drops character] My daughter? It's my wife.
[stammers] I'm sorry, she just looks a lot younger than you...
That's depressing.
Do I really look that much older than her?
- Uh... - Just-- Must be all the steroids,
'cause Rosie and I went to high school together.
We started dating when I was a junior and she was a sophomore.
All my pals used to razz me about her being younger.
Ha. I-I'm sure you Major Murdered those guys, huh?
Actually, I just cried a lot.
I may not look like it now, but back in high school,
I was a very sensitive fat kid.
- Bullshit. - No, no, real shit.
You know, my name's Albert,
so I'd get called Fat Albert
because of the cartoon? [laughs]
Ah, Bill Cosby.
Now that's an American treasure.
[chuckles] Ah,
that man will always be beloved.
So you know, back in high school,
I was always very sensitive about my weight.
But Rosie...
she always made me forget I was fat.
She always made me feel like I was thin.
So you made her Mrs. Major Murder?
Well, actually, Mrs. Albert Holstein.
Major Murder's real name is Albert Holstein?
Yeah. Uh, and a Holstein is a kind of cow?
So, uh, you know,
in high school, there was a lot of, uh, cow names.
- Cow names? - Yeah, like,
the Moo Man, you know, Mr. Steak, Udder Buddy.
You know, I'd get Hugh Heifer.
I'd get, uh, Pasture Ass.
I-I'd get Milky Tits.
Cow Pie.
Yeah, just a lot of cow-themed cruelty.
[Burny smacks lips] Ah.
- Hey. Thanks for being a fan. - [shakes hand]
And, uh, please don't tell anybody how I really talk.
Uh, or about the cow names.
[military music plays]
Yo, Major.
You gonna go storm those cheeks like it's Omaha Beach?
[in character] If you have to ask,
then you ain't up to the task, soldier!
♪♪
[chuckles]
[sighs deeply]
[lighter flicks]
[exhales]
What are you doing back here?
Your ass is banned.
Which means my life is pretty much over.
So I'm just thinking about hurling myself down the stairs.
Who are you, Father Karras?
Is that an Exorcist joke?
Well, it's not an Exorcist II: The Heretic joke.
I respect John Boorman too much.
You know who John Boorman is?
Anáil nathrach orth bhais betha, do cheol déanta.
Holy shit.
The Charm of Making.
You've seen Excalibur?
You think I make $3.05 an hour
because I can't get a real job?
Movies are my life, dude.
That's why you work here.
No. That's why I'm leaving here.
I'm moving to Providence next week.
What's in Providence?
I'm gonna the Rhode Island School of Design,
like Martha Coolidge.
Martha Coolidge, the director?
Yeah. You know who Martha Coolidge is?
Yeah. Movies are my life too.
Valley Girl is in my top ten.
That guy, Nic Cage, is a genius.
- Yeah. - Have you seen Birdy?
Oh, yeah, I've seen every Alan Parker film.
You know who Alan Parker is?
Duh. Fame and The Wall are so rad.
But Martha Coolidge, man, she's my idol.
I wanna be a director like her.
This is-- This is so cool, uh,
I've never met anyone who wanted to be a director before.
Sure you have.
Just look in the mirror.
Me?
A-a director? Nah.
I just-- I just love going to the movies.
Yeah, man, that's how it starts.
Most people come to movies to escape their lives,
but people like us,
we come here because movies make life make sense.
Out here, man, world's full of lies.
But in there, they tell the lie that tells the truth.
And the truth about you and me is we're filmmakers.
We just haven't made our films.
[exhales]
Yet.
[soft music plays]
[door locks]
"Yet."
[bright music playing]
Whoa.
[saxophone solo plays]
That girl's real, right?
Thanks.
Hi, Melody Barnegat.
Hi, Brian David.
You look...
resplendent.
"Resplendent"? Okay, Doctor Dictionary.
- Let's go see Bucklick. - Uh...
I-I don't think we can get in.
Because it's rated R?
Well, more because I got banned.
Oh, my God. Like Danny Banks?
Kinda.
So, how are we gonna see Bucklick?
I have an idea.
[door closes]
Huh. Strathmore Cinema City.
Give me a second.
Okay.
Excuse me, Manager Mike.
Oh, oh.
Little kid I just banned. Hi.
I wanted to ask you about that.
Mm-hmm?
I know me and my friends were obnoxious today.
But I stand here before you as a man...
Wow.
...to beg you to lift the ban.
And why would I do that?
You see that girl?
- Yeah. - That's Melody Barnegat.
The raddest woman I ever met.
And last summer, I was too scared to ask her out.
But this morning, I invited her to the movies
at your theater, and... and she said "yes."
Congratulations.
This could be the greatest night of my life.
Please lift the ban this one time
so we can go to the movies. I mean,
it'd mean everything to me, and-and I'll do anything.
I'll-I'll even work here for free or-or something.
Please, sir.
What do you say?
Tsk. What do I say?
Well, when you put it like that...
I say, Munchkins from the merry old land of Oz
belong on the movie screen,
not in my movie theater.
[laughs]
Hey. Hey, listen up, loser.
You know, you got a lot of balls calling this guy Munchkin
when you're short as shit yourself.
[onlookers gasp, laugh]
Wow. Tsk. Wow.
You remind me of my daughter.
I hate my daughter.
And you got a lot of nerve
talking to me like that, Minnie Mouse.
I'm in the movie business. I talk to studios.
So, you're just a little kid
who looks like a daughter that I can't stand.
So what do you know?
I know you don't know shit about the movie business.
Because if you did, you wouldn't act like such a poser
and drive around in your stupid-looking Moviemobile.
- Okay? - He's not a Munchkin.
He's a nice guy.
Something you don't understand at all because you are an asshole.
[laughter, applause]
Well, let me tell you something, little girl.
Now you're banned, for life too!
You and Bilbo Baggins here
are never getting inside my movie theater ever again.
- [patrons jeering] - Clap to that! Clap to that.
[outside horn honking]
[horn honking louder]
[yells]
Ahh! Oh, my God!
- [steam hissing] - Oh, my...!
Ahh! [yells] My Moviemobile!
No!
[yells louder] No!
- You okay? - Yeah.
- [Mike yelling] - Get inside.
But Burny just crashed his Truckster into the Moviemobile!
As a distraction so you guys can get inside.
So get inside.
Oh, this stupid car hit my truck!
I only had eight more payments on it!
Only eight!
Oh, my God!
Hey, Pat Benatar. This is a rated R movie. Can't come in here.
Some guy just crashed into the Moviemobile.
No way, really?! Ha ha! There is a God!
[both giggling]
Come here, yeah. [muttering]
Here! Sorry. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Holy shit.
That was the most amazing thing I ever saw.
You totally tore that asshole a new asshole.
He deserves it. I hate bullies.
You're amazing. Melody Barnegat.
Took all day.
But here we are.
We're finally gonna see our 4:30 movie,
and nobody's gonna stop us.
Is that so?
Mom?
What the hell are you doing here?
We're here to see Astro Blaster.
You're so full of shit, your eyes are brown.
This isn't Astro Blaster. This is Bucklick,
and Bucklick is rated R.
Ooh, what are you doing here, Melody?
Bucklick is rated R.
She said she's gonna see Astro Blaster,
but she's sneaking into R- rated movies with this guy.
Oh, so much drama. We're supposed to be seeing a comedy.
- [stammers] - See, this is why I told you we should have gone home
when Poltergeist 2 wasn't playing, but...
Wait a minute.
You came to see Poltergeist 2 with Aunt Connie?
You said you had to see it with me.
Okay, don't-don't turn this around, okay?
You're the one in trouble here, missy.
I will deal you after Bucklick.
Get the hell out of here before I call the manager and have you banned.
This is so unfair.
[sighs] Can you believe this?
I mean, it's kind of cute.
- Your mom looks pretty pissed. - She's pissed?
Well, I'm pissed too. Who does she think she is,
yelling at me in front of you and everybody in the theater?
She's the one trying to see Poltergeist 2 without me.
- [inhales] - What do you wanna do?
Have sex and get pregnant. That'll show her.
- If that's what you need... - I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
Yeah. Wait, are you sure?
[exhales] Let's go.
She treats me like I'm a baby.
I can't stand it.
Shouldn't we get you home so you don't get in trouble?
No, I'm already in trouble.
And the minute I get home, I'm gonna be grounded for the rest of my life.
[sighs]
So I might as well enjoy today.
Race you!
- [chuckles] - What? What?
[panting]
[Melody] Doesn't it feel great to run?
Says someone on cross country.
I think I'm having a heart attack.
[laughs] Raise your arms above your head.
Yeah.
You ever think about what you wanna be when you grow up, Brian David?
Sometimes.
What do you wanna be?
I wanna be a dean.
Like a dean at a college?
You wanna be the guy that's always giving
Animal House a hard time?
No.
I wanna be the girl that's always giving
Animal House a hard time.
I never knew anybody who wanted to be a dean.
That's so...
weird.
So what do you wanna do?
- Well... - And don't say me.
I wanna be a writer.
Well, I think.
I can see that.
I love to read the stuff you wrote
in my yearbook last summer.
[Brian chuckles]
- What? - You started out making fun
of what everybody else said.
You wrote...
- "Have a great summer." - [chuckles]
"See you over the summer. Summerly yours."
- And then I signed it "Summer." - [both laugh]
I was hysterical.
But then you filled a whole page
telling me how adorable I am.
And how I'm super nice and smart.
My mom read it.
And she said it was beautiful.
So, yeah, you're totally gonna be a writer someday.
Man.
I-- How do you--
You're always so positive.
Not as much as I'm not negative.
Does anything make you sad?
Like, what about nuclear war?
If the Russians dropped the bomb on us today,
my mom can't ground me.
See, you do that. You're--
You're all about the silver lining.
Like...
everything went wrong for me today.
But then you came along and made it all better.
If everything went right today,
you and me would be watching Bucklick.
But this is way better.
Or is it almost perfect?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Then...
Will you go out with me, Melody Barnegat?
We are out, Brian David.
I mean, as boyfriend-girlfriend.
I know what you meant.
But I don't know.
Is it 'cause I'm short?
Jesus.
Would you stop with that shit?
I don't think of you as short.
Then what do you think of me as?
I think of you as...
the most interesting guy I ever met.
All this stuff you talk about.
The way you see the world.
What you wrote in my yearbook.
You always make me think.
And laugh.
And you're like the funniest person I know.
Yeah?
The only place you come up short...
is in how little you know about girls.
Because I was gonna let you get to second base
in my pool last summer...
and then I never heard from you again.
Until today.
Yeah, but I-I've been thinking about you
ever since that day.
You're so full of shit, your eyes are brown.
You really expect me to believe you thought about me for an entire year?
Or ever?
Oh, my God. Are you, like, pulling it out?
Is that a tape recorder?
It's a writing thing.
I read that real writers use a tape recorder
to help them organize important thoughts.
Important thoughts like this.
- [clicks] - Beatbox Bri, take one!
- Um... Shit, uh... - [beatboxing on tape]
- Hold on, um. - [tape fast-forwards]
I meant this.
[Brian on tape] I finally called Melody Barnegat
and invited her out to the movies. Why...
you ask? [sighs]
One word.
Love.
I got a 24-karat case of love.
[clicks]
You're, like, the coolest girl I ever met.
And all I wanna do is watch movies with you.
I wanna watch movies with you too.
[both laugh]
[pop music playing]
So does this... mean we're boyfriend-girlfriend now?
I hope so.
[Brian] Because if I was ever gonna make a movie about today,
that's how I'd want the movie to end.
[Melody] Yeah? You think today could ever be a movie?
[Brian] As long as there are end credits,
and a song,
today could totally be a movie.
["24 Karat Case of Love" by Brendan McCreary playing]
[Brian and Melody chattering, laughing]
[song ends]
Yes or no?
- I say yes. - Why?
Because I can tell you really wanna do it.
But what if I'm not good at it?
Then I can teach you.
I have experience.
And I'm like... a virgin.
- [boys laughing] - [Burny] Yeah!
You got that right.
Are we live?
[Burny and Belly] Yeah!
- Miss Melody. - Sir Burny.
- So, did he go in yet? - [Burny] Hmm?
- He's hesitating. - [boys sigh]
You got this. You just--
- You get in there and you do it. - We'll watch.
Well, I definitely can't do it with everybody watching me.
Yes, you can. You're full of BDE.
Hmm?
Brian David Energy.
[laughter]
[Burny] That's cute.
Come on, Bri, bubby. The sooner you get this over with,
the sooner we get to go to the diner where I have a pork roll,
egg and cheese with my name on it. Mm?
They can write "asshole" on a kaiser roll?
[Burny chuckles]
See, you're funny, but you're lucky, right?
You're lucky that I have as much respect as I do
for the lovely Miss Melody here.
Otherwise, I-I just might have to put the Grip of Death on you.
- Oh, yeah! Are we wrestling? - No!
- No. No, we're not. - We're not.
- No, we're not. We're not. - Nobody's wrestling, all right?
Take it to DEFCON 5, WarGames.
You ready to do this?
I'm nervous.
[Burny] Jesus, Bri,
we're not talking about circumcision here.
You're just applying for a shitty job.
You go in there, you fill out the bullshit form,
you come out, we go eat. Right?
What do you think, babe?
Yeah, come on, babe. What do you think?
- Yeah. babe. - Mmm. Yeah, babe. What's up, babe?
Uh...
It can wait.
["24 Karat Case of Love" resumes playing]
[saxophone solo]
[singer vocalizing]
[song fades]
[soft music playing]
[music fades]
[military music playing]
Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas
where the movies come to--
[laughing] I'm sorry!
- Want some? - I'm okay.
[laughs]
[lighter lid closes]
[crew] Resetting. We're rolling.
- [grunts] - [imitating Brian] "Pork chops and applesauce."
God.
- [laughter] - [crew indistinct]
- [laughs] Ow. - Oh, sorry.
- No! - Ah!
[both yell]
[laughs]
Please suck it still.
You're pulling your pud in public?
- Can I try that one more time? - [laughs]
It's Major Murder!
- [engine sputters] - Whoa!
Is this thing on?!
'Cause I got something to say to all the sissy civilians out there.
[blows air with a squeak] Sorry. So sorry.
- [laughter] - And-and what would that be, Major?
[Major Murder] I forgot!
Yes, Virginia,
you'd be better off believing in Santa Claus
than that slam tam...
[speaks gibberish]
Because Shamwell is a sham!
- [huffs air] - [snort of laughter]
A man of few words but powerful words.
[Major Murder] That's enough.
Have fun. Don't run.
She's my ex.
Two hundred "Our Father's"!
A Morton's jelly donut. [scoffs]
Jesus Christ!
You like this? This is real too.
I got this from the President of the United States of--
Look at these nuts.
Damn it, man! Why?
[Astro Blaster] Back on Earth...
[laughter]
One more time. Damn it, man! Why?
- Did you... get it in yet? - Hmm?
[Melody] Mm-mm. He's hesitating.
- [groans] - [man] Wait, what?!
- [laughter] - He cut straight to it,
- didn't he? - [Brian] Didn't you get--
You Three Stooges are banned for life!
- [Burny] Eat shit! - [laughing] Not today.
Who are you, Father Ka-rass?
Ah! Not Father "Ka-rass."
Karras. Blah.
I'm the leader of the beavers.
Nice.
- Yes, it is. - That's actually--
I kind of consider myself the same thing, doing what I do.
- Is that right? Well... - Yeah. It's pretty--
You got a lot of ladies here, huh?
No.
[Kevin Smith] Jesus Christ, fewer things in life could be more perfect than that.
Give it up for the boys!
[cheers and applause]