1
00:00:21,005 --> 00:00:24,000
[action movie theme plays]

2
00:00:26,879 --> 00:00:29,441
<i> ♪ Astro Blaster! ♪</i>

3
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<i> ♪ And the Beavermen, aah ♪</i>

4
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[radio DJ]<i> McCreary</i>
<i> with the song of the summer,</i>

5
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<i> "Astro Blaster</i>
<i> and the Beavermen."</i>

6
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<i> Still playing</i>
<i> at a theater near you.</i>

7
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<i>Not seeing</i> Poltergeist 2,<i> man.</i>

8
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<i> That creepy old preacher guy</i>
<i> looks like my stepmom.</i>

9
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<i> Sunday morning,</i>
<i> Whispering Woody on Z-100.</i>

10
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<i> Here all day.</i>
<i> Can't do Hands Across America,</i>

11
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<i> but that does not mean</i>

12
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<i> that I can't hand you</i>
<i> two tickets</i>

13
00:00:49,704 --> 00:00:51,366
<i> to see Major Murder defend</i>

14
00:00:51,402 --> 00:00:53,635
<i> his intercontinental</i>
<i> championship title.</i>

15
00:00:53,670 --> 00:00:55,400
<i> Worldwide wrestling coming</i>
<i> to the Brendan Byrne Arena</i>

16
00:00:55,436 --> 00:00:56,840
-<i> in New Jersey.</i>
- [bell dings]

17
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<i> The 100th caller wins.</i>

18
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[singers]<i> ♪ Rocking</i>
<i> at the speed of light ♪</i>

19
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<i> ♪ The hot rockin' Z! Z-100! ♪</i>

20
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["I Can't Wait"
by Nu Shooz playing]

21
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[line ringing]

22
00:01:19,897 --> 00:01:21,728
[phone rings]

23
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China Taste.

24
00:01:24,199 --> 00:01:25,762
Yes. Can I get, uh,

25
00:01:25,797 --> 00:01:27,506
some General Tso's chicken,
please?

26
00:01:27,542 --> 00:01:28,731
Sorry, no Tso's.

27
00:01:28,766 --> 00:01:31,506
No Tso's?
Did the chickens escape?

28
00:01:31,541 --> 00:01:34,175
No, we're still doing breakfast
for the next hour.

29
00:01:34,210 --> 00:01:35,776
- Breakfast?
- [chair creaks]

30
00:01:36,412 --> 00:01:38,014
Then can I get
two scrambled eggs?

31
00:01:38,049 --> 00:01:39,714
- Toast or fruit?
-<i> Ew.</i>

32
00:01:39,750 --> 00:01:42,548
Toast. Burn that fruit before
somebody eats it on accident.

33
00:01:42,583 --> 00:01:45,218
Absolutely no fruit.
Anything else?

34
00:01:45,254 --> 00:01:47,256
Can I get an orange juice?

35
00:01:47,291 --> 00:01:49,426
Never fruit,
but somehow OJ's okay.

36
00:01:50,258 --> 00:01:51,962
Uh, and a pork roll,

37
00:01:51,998 --> 00:01:53,461
- egg and cheese.
- [clanks]

38
00:01:53,496 --> 00:01:55,296
Bagel with cream cheese
and any other cheese

39
00:01:55,331 --> 00:01:57,102
- you sees, please.
- [scoffs]

40
00:01:57,137 --> 00:01:59,571
He's a poet
and he didn't even know it.

41
00:01:59,607 --> 00:02:00,636
Anything else?

42
00:02:00,672 --> 00:02:01,939
Yes.

43
00:02:01,974 --> 00:02:03,742
Six and a half almond cookies

44
00:02:03,778 --> 00:02:05,838
and your hand in marriage.

45
00:02:10,485 --> 00:02:12,085
Who is this?

46
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:15,148
Well, it's not Brian David.
That guy's a pud.

47
00:02:15,183 --> 00:02:18,323
He... he sure is.

48
00:02:18,358 --> 00:02:21,425
I haven't heard from you
in a long time, Brian David.

49
00:02:21,460 --> 00:02:23,391
-<i> What are you doing?</i>
- Calling Melody Barnegat

50
00:02:23,426 --> 00:02:25,555
and I'm making
a Morton's jelly donut.

51
00:02:25,591 --> 00:02:27,267
Toaster oven or microwave?

52
00:02:27,302 --> 00:02:30,969
I don't have a toaster oven
or a microwave, Richie Rich.

53
00:02:31,005 --> 00:02:32,663
Jesus. Do you guys have
a robot maid

54
00:02:32,699 --> 00:02:34,240
in your mansion,
Miss Millionaire?

55
00:02:34,275 --> 00:02:37,003
Shut up. Did you really call
to order all this food?

56
00:02:37,038 --> 00:02:38,635
<i> No.</i>

57
00:02:38,670 --> 00:02:40,436
I was calling to talk to you.

58
00:02:40,472 --> 00:02:42,941
Oh, yeah? Why?

59
00:02:44,309 --> 00:02:45,779
Uh...

60
00:02:47,050 --> 00:02:48,617
Was wondering...

61
00:02:49,883 --> 00:02:51,653
Do you wanna go
to the movies with me today?

62
00:02:53,060 --> 00:02:54,988
<i> You can--</i>
<i> You can totally say no.</i>

63
00:02:55,023 --> 00:02:56,053
Okay.

64
00:02:57,830 --> 00:02:59,663
Uh, s-seriously?

65
00:02:59,698 --> 00:03:01,025
Mm-hmm.

66
00:03:01,736 --> 00:03:03,126
Uh, hold on one second.

67
00:03:08,137 --> 00:03:09,638
[breathes deeply]

68
00:03:10,742 --> 00:03:12,110
Cool.

69
00:03:12,145 --> 00:03:14,013
Yeah, anything
but<i> Poltergeist 2.</i>

70
00:03:14,048 --> 00:03:16,074
Uh, because Tobe Hooper
didn't direct?

71
00:03:17,144 --> 00:03:19,786
- Who?
- The guy who directed
<i> The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.</i>

72
00:03:19,821 --> 00:03:22,483
He made the first<i> Poltergeist</i>
even though most people think
it was Spielberg.

73
00:03:22,518 --> 00:03:25,289
You sure know a lot
about movies.

74
00:03:25,324 --> 00:03:26,850
But I can't see
<i> Poltergeist 2</i> with you

75
00:03:26,886 --> 00:03:28,451
because I'm supposed
to go with my mom.

76
00:03:28,487 --> 00:03:29,887
Your mom? Why?

77
00:03:29,922 --> 00:03:33,132
Oh, first one's like
her favorite movie ever.

78
00:03:33,167 --> 00:03:35,196
She says it's because
she likes ghost stories,

79
00:03:35,231 --> 00:03:36,531
but I know she's lying.

80
00:03:36,566 --> 00:03:39,069
Why would your mom lie
about<i> Poltergeist?</i>

81
00:03:39,104 --> 00:03:40,570
<i> My aunt was drunk one night</i>

82
00:03:40,605 --> 00:03:42,240
and she said that when my mom
was in eighth grade,

83
00:03:42,275 --> 00:03:43,636
she went to the school dance
with the guy

84
00:03:43,671 --> 00:03:45,308
who plays the dad
in<i> Poltergeist.</i>

85
00:03:45,344 --> 00:03:46,973
So that's why she likes
the movie so much.

86
00:03:47,008 --> 00:03:50,283
Oh, my gosh. She probably gave
Craig T. Nelson a hand job.

87
00:03:51,184 --> 00:03:53,044
I'd be so mad
you said that right now

88
00:03:53,079 --> 00:03:56,253
if I wasn't so impressed
you remember the guy's name.

89
00:03:56,288 --> 00:03:58,553
You sure know a lot
about movies.

90
00:03:58,588 --> 00:04:00,584
I know there's a movie
you and me gotta go see

91
00:04:00,619 --> 00:04:01,954
that your mom will love.

92
00:04:03,063 --> 00:04:04,658
"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout,
Willis?"

93
00:04:04,693 --> 00:04:06,761
Remember when we were
in the pool last summer?

94
00:04:11,267 --> 00:04:13,364
Do you wanna touch 'em?

95
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,504
Uh, you mean...

96
00:04:15,539 --> 00:04:18,171
[quietly] when I almost
let you get to second?

97
00:04:18,206 --> 00:04:19,873
Well, yeah,

98
00:04:20,772 --> 00:04:22,378
but this was right before that.

99
00:04:22,413 --> 00:04:24,350
- [Melody] Marco.
- [Brian] Polo.

100
00:04:24,385 --> 00:04:26,348
- [Melody laughing] Marco.
- [Brian laughing] Polo.

101
00:04:26,384 --> 00:04:29,012
- [Melody] Marco.
- [both laugh]

102
00:04:29,047 --> 00:04:31,552
Why do you wear
your shirt in the pool?

103
00:04:31,587 --> 00:04:34,021
Because my tits
are bigger than yours?

104
00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:38,196
You should take
your shirt off in the pool,
just one time.

105
00:04:38,232 --> 00:04:40,129
You should take
your shirt off everywhere,

106
00:04:40,165 --> 00:04:41,293
- all the time.
- [scoffs]

107
00:04:41,329 --> 00:04:42,901
You're so funny.

108
00:04:42,937 --> 00:04:44,461
All short people are funny.

109
00:04:44,497 --> 00:04:46,103
[radio playing]

110
00:04:46,138 --> 00:04:47,931
It's too loud.
I'm reading.

111
00:04:47,967 --> 00:04:51,068
Mom, tell Brian David
he's not short.

112
00:04:51,104 --> 00:04:53,407
How about I tell him to get off
my daughter instead?

113
00:04:53,442 --> 00:04:55,746
He's not on me.
I'm on him.

114
00:04:55,781 --> 00:04:58,780
Get off that boy
or the only thing you'll be on
is punishment.

115
00:05:00,913 --> 00:05:02,817
Uh, what are you reading,
Mrs. Barnegat?

116
00:05:03,515 --> 00:05:04,883
<i> Bucklick.</i>

117
00:05:04,919 --> 00:05:07,652
Holy shit! Your mom
just called me a butt-lick!

118
00:05:07,688 --> 00:05:10,562
She said "Bucklick",
with a K.

119
00:05:10,598 --> 00:05:13,092
- [Brian laughs]
- It's-- it's a book series
my mom loves

120
00:05:13,127 --> 00:05:16,934
about a wisecracking detective
whose name is U.B. Bucklick.

121
00:05:16,969 --> 00:05:18,303
You be a butt-lick.

122
00:05:18,339 --> 00:05:20,435
- You be a butt-lick.
- You be a butt-lick.

123
00:05:20,470 --> 00:05:22,441
[laughing]
You be a butt-lick.

124
00:05:25,140 --> 00:05:28,205
♪♪

125
00:05:40,455 --> 00:05:42,219
Do you wanna touch 'em?

126
00:05:45,196 --> 00:05:46,493
[cat yowls irritably]

127
00:05:46,528 --> 00:05:48,262
I totally shoulda touched 'em.

128
00:05:48,298 --> 00:05:50,336
You totally shoulda.

129
00:05:50,371 --> 00:05:53,938
It's, like, the biggest mistake
I ever made. Shh.

130
00:05:53,973 --> 00:05:55,341
So why didn't you?

131
00:05:55,376 --> 00:05:57,637
Well, I wanted you to think
I was a nice guy.

132
00:05:57,673 --> 00:05:59,605
I did think
you were a nice guy

133
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,504
until you stopped calling me.

134
00:06:01,540 --> 00:06:04,810
Well, I'm calling you now
because there's
a<i> Bucklick</i> movie,

135
00:06:04,845 --> 00:06:06,779
and we totally gotta go
see it together.

136
00:06:06,815 --> 00:06:09,315
No way. They made
a<i> Bucklick</i> movie?

137
00:06:09,351 --> 00:06:10,451
<i> Ch'yeah, uh,</i>

138
00:06:10,487 --> 00:06:11,780
they-they showed
a preview for it

139
00:06:11,816 --> 00:06:13,349
when I saw<i> Top Gun.</i>

140
00:06:13,384 --> 00:06:17,391
It looks really funny,
and it's playing in Atlantic.

141
00:06:17,426 --> 00:06:18,523
Wait, then we gotta go.

142
00:06:18,558 --> 00:06:20,932
[speaking Chinese]

143
00:06:20,968 --> 00:06:22,062
[replies in Chinese]

144
00:06:23,432 --> 00:06:26,234
[quietly] Just got yelled at
so I gotta hang up.
What time's<i> Bucklick?</i>

145
00:06:26,270 --> 00:06:27,997
There's a 2:15 show.

146
00:06:28,033 --> 00:06:29,640
I can't do 2:15.
I get off at 2:00

147
00:06:29,675 --> 00:06:31,539
and then I need to go home
and shower before I go out

148
00:06:31,575 --> 00:06:32,971
because I smell like
an egg roll.

149
00:06:33,006 --> 00:06:35,739
Uh, we could go
to the next show at 4:30.

150
00:06:35,774 --> 00:06:37,576
We could, couldn't we?

151
00:06:37,611 --> 00:06:39,809
We should, shouldn't we?

152
00:06:39,844 --> 00:06:41,348
<i> "Could", to "should".</i>

153
00:06:41,384 --> 00:06:43,482
Wow. You move fast.

154
00:06:43,518 --> 00:06:44,982
Except in the pool.

155
00:06:45,017 --> 00:06:46,589
-<i> Yeah, yeah, yeah.</i>
- [chuckles]

156
00:06:46,624 --> 00:06:49,220
- So, you wanna go?
- [oven door clanks]

157
00:06:50,724 --> 00:06:52,855
Yeah. Let's go see<i> Bucklick.</i>

158
00:06:52,890 --> 00:06:54,728
Sweet. Then I'll see you

159
00:06:54,763 --> 00:06:57,098
at the 4:30 movie,
Melody Barnegat.

160
00:06:57,701 --> 00:07:01,441
I'll see you at the 4:30 movie,
Brian David.

161
00:07:03,876 --> 00:07:04,906
B-Bye.

162
00:07:09,818 --> 00:07:12,180
[exhales deeply]

163
00:07:12,216 --> 00:07:13,547
There is a God.

164
00:07:13,582 --> 00:07:15,587
[soft techno music playing]

165
00:07:30,566 --> 00:07:32,472
Off to get the new<i> Starlog.</i>

166
00:07:34,140 --> 00:07:35,805
It's kind of brisk out.

167
00:07:37,605 --> 00:07:39,336
A very unassuming day.

168
00:07:41,082 --> 00:07:42,680
Nothing fantastic happening.

169
00:07:44,785 --> 00:07:46,783
♪♪

170
00:08:27,193 --> 00:08:28,587
[Brian] Morning, Cookie.

171
00:08:28,622 --> 00:08:30,855
[Cookie] Mr. B.D.

172
00:08:30,890 --> 00:08:32,495
Uh, you on the schedule today?

173
00:08:32,530 --> 00:08:33,989
Nope. I'm gonna go
sit on the dock

174
00:08:34,024 --> 00:08:35,365
and read the new<i> Starlog,</i>

175
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,432
then I'm going to the movies.

176
00:08:37,468 --> 00:08:38,901
Man, you and your movies.

177
00:08:40,207 --> 00:08:42,305
Shit's not real, you know.

178
00:08:42,340 --> 00:08:44,207
Like that movie<i> E.T.?</i>

179
00:08:44,242 --> 00:08:46,110
That never happened.

180
00:08:46,145 --> 00:08:47,371
That movie<i> Conan?</i>

181
00:08:48,411 --> 00:08:49,938
Never happened.

182
00:08:49,974 --> 00:08:51,243
That movie<i> Gandhi?</i>

183
00:08:52,217 --> 00:08:53,410
Shit never happened.

184
00:08:55,014 --> 00:08:56,655
I'm pretty sure
<i>Gandhi</i> happened.

185
00:09:00,053 --> 00:09:01,489
Well, that shit happened
for three hours,

186
00:09:01,525 --> 00:09:02,727
so I stopped watching it.

187
00:09:05,256 --> 00:09:07,629
You heard that new
Run-D.M.C. album?

188
00:09:07,664 --> 00:09:09,725
- Fresh.
- Super fresh, right?

189
00:09:09,761 --> 00:09:11,631
Chilly most.

190
00:09:11,667 --> 00:09:13,170
<i>Gandhi</i> definitely happened.

191
00:09:13,205 --> 00:09:14,502
It didn't happen!

192
00:09:14,538 --> 00:09:15,634
No, it definitely happened.

193
00:09:15,669 --> 00:09:16,741
<i> Star Wars</i> did!

194
00:09:29,717 --> 00:09:31,723
[soft music playing]

195
00:09:35,788 --> 00:09:39,163
May 25th, 1986.

196
00:09:39,198 --> 00:09:40,395
[seagull squawks]

197
00:09:40,431 --> 00:09:42,729
Today is a big day.

198
00:09:42,765 --> 00:09:45,701
I finally called
Melody Barnegat

199
00:09:45,736 --> 00:09:48,267
and invited her out
to the movies.

200
00:09:50,210 --> 00:09:53,140
Why, you ask? [sighs]

201
00:09:55,741 --> 00:09:56,781
One word.

202
00:09:58,149 --> 00:09:59,476
Love.

203
00:10:01,552 --> 00:10:03,546
I got a 24-karat case of love.

204
00:10:06,050 --> 00:10:09,057
[pop music playing]

205
00:10:26,513 --> 00:10:29,610
Mrs. B's making bacon
for breakfast!

206
00:10:29,645 --> 00:10:31,077
It's not for breakfast.

207
00:10:31,112 --> 00:10:33,309
It's for you guys
to bring to the movies.

208
00:10:33,344 --> 00:10:35,115
- [pan clinks]
- This is movie bacon?

209
00:10:35,150 --> 00:10:38,118
It's cheaper than
that rip-off candy counter,

210
00:10:38,154 --> 00:10:41,485
and bacon's better for you
than all that popcorn.

211
00:10:42,463 --> 00:10:44,827
- [Brian] Hmm.
- You're growing boys.

212
00:10:44,862 --> 00:10:47,194
You need bacon
to build big, strong hearts.

213
00:10:48,694 --> 00:10:50,770
[sings theme song]<i> ♪ Coo roo</i>
<i> coo coo, coo loo coo coo! ♪</i>

214
00:10:50,805 --> 00:10:53,736
"Oh, g'day. I'm Bob Mackenzie
and this is my brother Doug."

215
00:10:53,771 --> 00:10:56,401
- "How's it going, eh?"
- [hums reply]

216
00:10:56,436 --> 00:10:59,471
- Is that my movie bacon?
- Ah! Don't touch it yet.

217
00:11:00,174 --> 00:11:02,605
I gotta put the mayonnaise
on it first.

218
00:11:04,185 --> 00:11:05,682
Are we really gonna be

219
00:11:05,717 --> 00:11:07,753
sneaking around
the movies all day?

220
00:11:07,788 --> 00:11:10,179
I heard that Danny Banks
got caught doing that last week

221
00:11:10,214 --> 00:11:11,786
and they banned him for life.

222
00:11:11,821 --> 00:11:13,589
Danny Banks
isn't as slick as us.

223
00:11:13,624 --> 00:11:15,651
But<i> Bucklick</i> is rated R.

224
00:11:15,687 --> 00:11:18,689
We do not look old enough
to get into a rated R movie.

225
00:11:18,725 --> 00:11:19,755
We gotta...

226
00:11:20,525 --> 00:11:22,190
because I called
Melody Barnegat this morning

227
00:11:22,226 --> 00:11:23,602
and told her we were going.

228
00:11:23,638 --> 00:11:26,198
You talked to Melody Barnegat
this morning?

229
00:11:26,233 --> 00:11:28,438
Well, was that before
or after the donut?

230
00:11:28,473 --> 00:11:30,509
Before. I asked her out.

231
00:11:30,544 --> 00:11:32,139
She's coming
to the 4:30 movie with us.

232
00:11:32,174 --> 00:11:35,138
You asked Melody Barnegat
out on a movie date?

233
00:11:35,173 --> 00:11:36,848
- Brothers?
- Brothers.

234
00:11:38,011 --> 00:11:40,218
- Do you care?
- I don't care.

235
00:11:40,254 --> 00:11:41,479
But guess who will?

236
00:11:48,723 --> 00:11:50,059
Melody Barnegat?

237
00:11:52,761 --> 00:11:55,167
Merry Melody Barnegat?

238
00:11:55,203 --> 00:11:56,829
Yes, Melody Barnegat.

239
00:11:56,865 --> 00:11:58,863
Dude, she's a Spirit Bunny!

240
00:11:58,899 --> 00:12:00,370
She's a cheerleader.

241
00:12:00,406 --> 00:12:01,839
She's younger than us.

242
00:12:01,875 --> 00:12:03,675
By one grade, and she would've
been in our class,

243
00:12:03,710 --> 00:12:05,544
but she missed the cutoff date
by a month

244
00:12:05,579 --> 00:12:07,040
because her birthday
is in November.

245
00:12:07,075 --> 00:12:08,913
Dude, you know
when her birthday is?

246
00:12:08,949 --> 00:12:12,145
Well, holy shit, Billy Idol.
When is the white wedding?

247
00:12:12,181 --> 00:12:14,153
What do you got against
Melanie Barnegat, okay?

248
00:12:14,188 --> 00:12:15,748
She's super sweet.

249
00:12:15,783 --> 00:12:17,884
She's super short.

250
00:12:17,919 --> 00:12:19,250
She's not much shorter than me.

251
00:12:19,285 --> 00:12:20,757
She's shorter
than the Mets chance

252
00:12:20,793 --> 00:12:22,485
of making it to the playoffs
this year.

253
00:12:22,521 --> 00:12:24,057
- Oh, my God.
- [Belly] I don't know, Burn.

254
00:12:24,092 --> 00:12:26,491
Mets beat the Padres
5-4 last night.

255
00:12:26,526 --> 00:12:29,158
Yeah, and the Padres beat
the Mets 7-4 on Friday.

256
00:12:29,193 --> 00:12:30,502
What's your point, Bell?

257
00:12:30,538 --> 00:12:32,000
Yeah, but the way
they're playing,

258
00:12:32,035 --> 00:12:33,671
they're saying the Mets
could go all the way.

259
00:12:33,706 --> 00:12:35,364
The Mets have
as good of a chance

260
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,104
of making it
to the World Series

261
00:12:37,139 --> 00:12:40,841
as Bri does of making it
with Midgety Barnegat.

262
00:12:40,876 --> 00:12:42,746
Melody Barnegat's not a midget.

263
00:12:42,782 --> 00:12:45,343
She's fresh,
and I'm gonna ask her out.

264
00:12:45,378 --> 00:12:47,509
- You already did.
- To the movies, but,

265
00:12:47,544 --> 00:12:49,387
after we see<i> Bucklick,</i>
I'm gonna...

266
00:12:49,422 --> 00:12:51,214
ask her out,
ask her out.

267
00:12:51,250 --> 00:12:52,550
Like, to go steady.
[sighs]

268
00:12:54,391 --> 00:12:55,589
What?

269
00:12:55,625 --> 00:12:57,589
Wha-- [stammers]

270
00:12:57,625 --> 00:12:58,961
Why?

271
00:12:58,997 --> 00:13:01,291
Why? Because we made out
in her pool last summer.

272
00:13:01,327 --> 00:13:04,527
Yeah, one time!
With your shirt on!

273
00:13:04,563 --> 00:13:07,464
And all you almost got
was a little bit of titty.

274
00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:10,033
And very little, might I add,
because she is...

275
00:13:10,068 --> 00:13:11,366
fairly flat-chested.

276
00:13:11,402 --> 00:13:13,403
Ch'yeah.
She's not flat-chested.

277
00:13:13,439 --> 00:13:15,477
[Burny] Oh, so you're
the expert now?

278
00:13:15,513 --> 00:13:18,114
Look, Bri, baby,

279
00:13:18,149 --> 00:13:20,716
I've gone with way more girls
in the pool than you have,

280
00:13:20,751 --> 00:13:23,355
all right? With my shirt off.

281
00:13:23,957 --> 00:13:26,219
I've been thinking about
asking Melody out all year.

282
00:13:26,254 --> 00:13:28,751
She's really smart.
She thinks I'm funny.

283
00:13:28,786 --> 00:13:32,220
Oh, she can't be too smart
if she thinks you're funny.

284
00:13:32,256 --> 00:13:35,461
Like washing your truck
three times a day
is some sign of intelligence.

285
00:13:35,496 --> 00:13:38,771
Hey, hey, hey! Don't bring
the Truckster into this, okay?

286
00:13:38,806 --> 00:13:41,235
You can actually get inside
of the Truckster,

287
00:13:41,271 --> 00:13:43,837
which is way more
than you'll ever be able to do

288
00:13:43,872 --> 00:13:45,740
with Melody Barnegat.

289
00:13:45,775 --> 00:13:47,903
Bri, she's beneath you.

290
00:13:48,605 --> 00:13:50,113
I'm trying to get her
on top of me.

291
00:13:51,812 --> 00:13:52,844
For what?

292
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,718
For sex, Burny!

293
00:13:54,754 --> 00:13:57,346
But-but you're--
you're the guy, Bri.

294
00:13:57,381 --> 00:14:00,589
You get on top of her, right?

295
00:14:00,624 --> 00:14:03,358
- I gotta teach him everything.
- But I'm always laying down
when I jerk off,

296
00:14:03,394 --> 00:14:05,121
- so I don't think I can bust
a nut any other way.
- Ew!

297
00:14:05,156 --> 00:14:06,757
Hey! Hey! Come on!

298
00:14:06,792 --> 00:14:10,168
You think I wanna hear about
your nasty jerk-off techniques?

299
00:14:10,204 --> 00:14:12,165
No, I don't!

300
00:14:12,201 --> 00:14:14,530
-<i> The match...</i>
- Major Murder promo!

301
00:14:14,565 --> 00:14:16,507
You gotta learn
how to be a man, Bri.

302
00:14:16,543 --> 00:14:18,201
Be a man like Major Murder.

303
00:14:18,237 --> 00:14:19,845
[theme song playing on TV]

304
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:23,377
- Like Major Murder.
- Yeah, like Major Murder.

305
00:14:24,551 --> 00:14:26,149
Major Murder is not a man.

306
00:14:27,015 --> 00:14:28,144
He's a fictional character.

307
00:14:28,179 --> 00:14:29,887
He's got character.

308
00:14:29,922 --> 00:14:31,720
Especially when he's
in the ring kicking ass.

309
00:14:31,755 --> 00:14:34,553
[indistinct TV chatter]

310
00:14:34,588 --> 00:14:37,386
<i> Call the police, because</i>
<i> there's gonna be a murder</i>

311
00:14:37,422 --> 00:14:39,493
<i> in New Jersey, wrestling fans.</i>

312
00:14:39,528 --> 00:14:42,635
<i> Coming to the Brendan Byrne</i>
<i> Arena in East Rutherford,</i>

313
00:14:42,670 --> 00:14:45,294
<i> the Master of Disaster</i>
<i> himself,</i>

314
00:14:45,329 --> 00:14:47,064
<i> the Savage Soldier,</i>

315
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:49,832
<i> it's Major Murder!</i>

316
00:14:51,271 --> 00:14:53,301
<i> - Is this thing on?</i>
<i> - Yes.</i>

317
00:14:53,337 --> 00:14:56,177
<i> 'Cause I got something to say</i>
<i> to all the sissy civilians</i>
<i> out there.</i>

318
00:14:56,212 --> 00:14:58,577
- [Burny grunting]
-<i> Aw, hell, Mad Brad.</i>

319
00:15:00,212 --> 00:15:02,216
<i>You hearing me, Believer?</i>

320
00:15:02,252 --> 00:15:05,249
<i>Major Murder's got his orders</i>
<i>to kick your ass.</i>

321
00:15:05,284 --> 00:15:07,625
<i>So I'm gonna storm</i>
<i>those cheeks</i>

322
00:15:07,660 --> 00:15:10,762
<i>like it's Omaha Beach! Hoorah!</i>

323
00:15:10,798 --> 00:15:12,697
[Brad]<i> Now, Major,</i>
<i> it sounds to me</i>

324
00:15:12,733 --> 00:15:14,760
<i> like you intend</i>
<i> on holding on</i>

325
00:15:14,795 --> 00:15:18,062
<i> to your intercontinental</i>
<i> championship title.</i>
<i> Is that right?</i>

326
00:15:18,097 --> 00:15:19,301
<i>If you gotta ask,</i>

327
00:15:20,202 --> 00:15:22,700
<i>then you ain't up</i>
<i>to the task, soldier!</i>

328
00:15:26,308 --> 00:15:28,875
- [bike revs]
-<i> At ease, ya sleaze.</i>

329
00:15:28,911 --> 00:15:30,514
<i> Major Murder says</i>

330
00:15:30,549 --> 00:15:33,150
<i> dis... missed!</i>

331
00:15:34,554 --> 00:15:35,954
<i> Well, there you have it.</i>

332
00:15:35,990 --> 00:15:38,020
<i> Let's all be thankful</i>
<i> that the Major fights</i>

333
00:15:38,056 --> 00:15:40,184
<i> for the side</i>
<i> of these United States</i>

334
00:15:40,219 --> 00:15:41,924
<i> and not those Soviets.</i>

335
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,456
Major Murder
is bad to the bone!

336
00:15:44,492 --> 00:15:47,464
The guy literally rides
a camouflage motorcycle,

337
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:49,230
for God's sakes.

338
00:15:49,266 --> 00:15:51,427
He would never be dating
little Melody Barnegat.

339
00:15:51,462 --> 00:15:52,928
You can bet your ass on that.

340
00:15:52,963 --> 00:15:56,202
Because she's a teenager
and he's, like, 100 years old.

341
00:15:56,238 --> 00:15:58,306
You would never say that
to his face,

342
00:15:58,341 --> 00:16:00,769
'cause he'd put
the Grip of Death on you. Huh.

343
00:16:00,805 --> 00:16:03,072
[as Mad Brad] Even though
he was 17 years old...

344
00:16:03,107 --> 00:16:06,045
[normal voice]
Burny O'Donnell still believed
wrestling was real!

345
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:08,147
- [all chuckle]
- Yeah.

346
00:16:08,182 --> 00:16:09,654
- Is wrestling not real?
- Hey!

347
00:16:09,689 --> 00:16:10,822
[Burny] Can you rip the grip?

348
00:16:10,857 --> 00:16:12,084
- Say wrestling's real!
- Get off me!

349
00:16:12,119 --> 00:16:13,419
Say wrestling's real!

350
00:16:13,454 --> 00:16:16,286
- [thuds]
- Aw, yeah! Are we wrestlin'?

351
00:16:16,322 --> 00:16:18,096
- [thuds]
- [grunting]

352
00:16:19,757 --> 00:16:24,465
["I Feel For You"
by Chaka Khan playing]

353
00:16:50,321 --> 00:16:51,854
[song continues]

354
00:16:51,889 --> 00:16:53,761
- [Burny] I ain't doin' it.
- [Belly] Why not?

355
00:16:53,796 --> 00:16:55,966
[Burny] 'Cause the idea
of everybody touching
everybody's disgusting.

356
00:16:56,002 --> 00:16:57,426
- [Brian scoffs]
- [mumbles indistinct]

357
00:16:57,462 --> 00:16:58,827
Burny mistakenly believed

358
00:16:58,862 --> 00:17:00,599
"Everybody Touching
Everybody's Disgusting"

359
00:17:00,635 --> 00:17:03,440
was the original name
for Hands Across America.

360
00:17:03,476 --> 00:17:06,307
- [Belly] Brothers?
- [Brian] No, Bells.
I'm just mocking Burny

361
00:17:06,342 --> 00:17:08,110
for being against
Hands Across America.

362
00:17:08,146 --> 00:17:10,071
- Ah, hands across my dick.
- [laughs]

363
00:17:11,141 --> 00:17:13,451
Can't believe they're not
playing<i> Poltergeist 2</i> here.

364
00:17:13,487 --> 00:17:16,045
Well, there's no way
that shit's gonna be as good
as<i> Poltergeist 1.</i>

365
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:19,019
It's not<i> "Poltergeist 1."</i>
It's still just<i> Poltergeist.</i>

366
00:17:19,055 --> 00:17:22,160
When they make a sequel,
they don't suddenly stick
a number on the first flick.

367
00:17:22,195 --> 00:17:25,829
Sometimes I wanna stick
a power cable in your big mouth,

368
00:17:25,865 --> 00:17:27,625
like Brody did Jaws in<i> Jaws 2.</i>

369
00:17:27,661 --> 00:17:30,030
I like how they killed Jaws
better in<i> Jaws 1.</i>

370
00:17:30,065 --> 00:17:32,034
Belly, it's just<i> Jaws.</i>

371
00:17:32,069 --> 00:17:33,633
Unless we're talking
<i> Godfather 2,</i>

372
00:17:33,668 --> 00:17:35,731
<i> Escape From the Planet</i>
<i> of the Apes,</i> or<i> Empire,</i>

373
00:17:35,766 --> 00:17:38,176
no sequel's ever as good
as the original.

374
00:17:38,212 --> 00:17:40,035
All right, well, as long
as that creepy little chick's

375
00:17:40,070 --> 00:17:42,508
coming back
from<i> Poltergeist 1,</i>
I'll be there.

376
00:17:42,544 --> 00:17:45,242
[imitating character]
"Cross over, children!

377
00:17:45,277 --> 00:17:47,713
All are welcome."

378
00:17:48,853 --> 00:17:50,186
Melody Barnegat's mom--

379
00:17:50,222 --> 00:17:52,255
Ooh! I'm so sorry.
Um, Melody Barnegat's mom

380
00:17:52,290 --> 00:17:54,421
went to a dance with the dad
from<i> Poltergeist</i>

381
00:17:54,456 --> 00:17:55,919
- when she was in eighth grade.
- Oh, yeah.

382
00:17:55,954 --> 00:17:58,197
- I bet she jerked him off!
- That's what I said.

383
00:17:58,232 --> 00:18:01,099
Oh, then why did you ask her
to come to the movies today?

384
00:18:01,135 --> 00:18:03,167
Melody's mom's not coming
to the movies with us.

385
00:18:03,202 --> 00:18:05,770
Not her mom. Melody.
Why is she coming with us?

386
00:18:05,805 --> 00:18:07,664
Because I like
Melody Barnegat.

387
00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:09,741
Ah, you don't know shit
about women, Bri.

388
00:18:09,777 --> 00:18:12,339
- Oh, my God.
- I do, right?

389
00:18:12,375 --> 00:18:13,945
And I know she's not
the woman for you

390
00:18:13,980 --> 00:18:16,548
because she's not
a woman at all.

391
00:18:16,584 --> 00:18:17,840
She's a little girl.

392
00:18:17,876 --> 00:18:20,577
Melody Barnegat
is not a little girl, Burny.

393
00:18:20,613 --> 00:18:22,746
- She's like a lady.
- Ah, yeah.

394
00:18:22,781 --> 00:18:24,689
Like the creepy lady
from<i> Poltergeist 1.</i>

395
00:18:24,724 --> 00:18:25,780
It's just<i> Poltergeist!</i>

396
00:18:25,816 --> 00:18:27,190
Who wants some more
of Mom's bacon?

397
00:18:27,225 --> 00:18:29,256
Put that away
till we get inside, bacon bits.

398
00:18:29,291 --> 00:18:30,822
Oh, shit.
Here comes the car.

399
00:18:32,293 --> 00:18:33,927
["I Feel For You" continues]

400
00:18:33,962 --> 00:18:35,134
[car honks]

401
00:18:45,612 --> 00:18:47,472
That car blows.

402
00:18:47,507 --> 00:18:49,575
No way!
It's like a Batmobile.

403
00:18:49,610 --> 00:18:52,045
Who cares?<i> Batman's</i>
a stupid old TV show.

404
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,443
I read in<i> Starlog,</i>
they said they're gonna make
a new Batman movie.

405
00:18:54,478 --> 00:18:56,417
[scoffs] It'll flop.

406
00:18:56,452 --> 00:18:58,982
Nobody's ever gonna pay
to see a Batman movie.

407
00:19:03,026 --> 00:19:05,562
What a disgusting town.

408
00:19:05,597 --> 00:19:06,495
[scoffs]

409
00:19:08,527 --> 00:19:10,532
["I Feel For You" continues]

410
00:19:12,631 --> 00:19:14,162
Get someone out here
and make sure

411
00:19:14,198 --> 00:19:16,773
none of these disgusting poors
touches my Moviemobile.

412
00:19:16,809 --> 00:19:18,238
Aye aye, Cap'n Bligh.

413
00:19:18,273 --> 00:19:21,010
Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas,

414
00:19:21,045 --> 00:19:23,842
where the movies come to play.

415
00:19:26,479 --> 00:19:27,976
When we get inside, remember,

416
00:19:28,011 --> 00:19:29,416
we're getting tickets
for<i> Astro Blaster</i>

417
00:19:29,452 --> 00:19:30,919
because<i> Bucklick</i>
and<i> Dental School</i>

418
00:19:30,954 --> 00:19:32,419
are both rated R.

419
00:19:32,455 --> 00:19:35,754
I can drive a car at 17
and join the army,

420
00:19:35,789 --> 00:19:39,688
but I gotta wait till I'm 18
to see rated R movies.

421
00:19:39,723 --> 00:19:41,527
Might as well live
in Russia.

422
00:19:41,562 --> 00:19:43,494
[as Yakov Smirnoff]
In Soviet Union,

423
00:19:43,530 --> 00:19:46,001
you don't see
R-rated movie.

424
00:19:46,036 --> 00:19:47,705
R-rated movie sees you.

425
00:19:47,741 --> 00:19:49,804
"Ah, what a country!"

426
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,170
[giggles]

427
00:19:51,206 --> 00:19:52,376
I need new friends.

428
00:19:54,547 --> 00:19:55,478
Hi.

429
00:19:58,843 --> 00:20:00,384
<i> Astro Blaster</i>
<i> and the Beavermen?</i>

430
00:20:01,250 --> 00:20:03,585
[dispenser clanks, whirs]

431
00:20:06,860 --> 00:20:08,686
Can I get, uh, one ticket

432
00:20:08,722 --> 00:20:11,794
to<i> Astro Blaster</i>
<i> and the Beavermen?</i>

433
00:20:11,830 --> 00:20:14,296
[coins clink]

434
00:20:14,332 --> 00:20:16,730
- [sighs]
- [dispenser clanks, whirs]

435
00:20:20,071 --> 00:20:21,631
- Hey, girl!
- [coin clinks]

436
00:20:21,667 --> 00:20:24,141
Can I get, uh,
one ticket to, uh,

437
00:20:24,176 --> 00:20:26,377
- "Ass-blaster"?
- [velcro ripping]

438
00:20:26,412 --> 00:20:30,375
'Cause, uh, you know,
that's what the ladies call me.

439
00:20:30,411 --> 00:20:32,075
[seductively] Ass-Blaster.

440
00:20:32,952 --> 00:20:35,683
[dispenser clanks, whirs]

441
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:42,718
[both hiss in pity]

442
00:20:42,754 --> 00:20:44,687
She was playing
hard to get.

443
00:20:44,722 --> 00:20:47,423
Okay. Um,
we'll save seats.

444
00:20:47,459 --> 00:20:48,795
You get in line?

445
00:20:50,194 --> 00:20:51,600
- That look like it hurt.
- She gave me a look.

446
00:20:54,033 --> 00:20:56,132
You can't give them cut-sies
when they get back.

447
00:20:57,077 --> 00:20:59,173
What do you care?
We're behind you.

448
00:20:59,208 --> 00:21:00,904
Well, I'll tell my dad.

449
00:21:00,939 --> 00:21:03,908
[mocking] Oh, you'll tell
your dad. So what?

450
00:21:03,944 --> 00:21:06,208
I don't care what you
tell your dad, little kid.

451
00:21:08,150 --> 00:21:10,448
- Dad.
- Hmm?

452
00:21:10,484 --> 00:21:12,489
He showed me his privates.

453
00:21:13,487 --> 00:21:15,393
- He did what?
- I-I--

454
00:21:17,126 --> 00:21:18,825
Have fun. Don't run.

455
00:21:19,733 --> 00:21:21,263
Have fun. Don't run.

456
00:21:21,299 --> 00:21:22,928
[mocking]
"Have fun, don't run."

457
00:21:26,639 --> 00:21:27,768
Have fun.

458
00:21:29,107 --> 00:21:30,507
[serenely]
And I hope you die.

459
00:21:36,409 --> 00:21:38,413
Have fun. Don't run.

460
00:21:38,448 --> 00:21:40,544
You had to mess
with Manager Mike.

461
00:21:40,580 --> 00:21:42,745
I'm not scared of that spaz.

462
00:21:42,781 --> 00:21:44,279
Now if he sees us in<i> Bucklick,</i>

463
00:21:44,314 --> 00:21:46,620
he'll remember us as the guys
from<i> Astro Blaster</i>

464
00:21:46,655 --> 00:21:48,985
- who made fun of him.
- Oh, the "guys"?

465
00:21:49,021 --> 00:21:52,754
You mean "the guy"?
'Cause you didn't say shit.

466
00:21:52,789 --> 00:21:54,727
I'm trying to be incognito

467
00:21:54,762 --> 00:21:56,761
so we can sneak into
the other movies all day

468
00:21:56,796 --> 00:21:58,435
- after we see this one.
- Oh. Uh-huh,

469
00:21:58,471 --> 00:22:00,596
and how many times
have you seen<i> Astro Blaster?</i>

470
00:22:00,631 --> 00:22:01,832
Fourteen times.

471
00:22:01,868 --> 00:22:04,409
Oh. And you wonder
why you don't get laid.

472
00:22:05,244 --> 00:22:06,938
I don't get laid
'cause I'm Catholic.

473
00:22:06,974 --> 00:22:09,511
I'm Catholic!
That don't stop me
from getting laid.

474
00:22:09,546 --> 00:22:11,912
I even did it in the church
basement one time.

475
00:22:11,948 --> 00:22:15,250
[Brian] Is the church basement
what you call your sphincter?

476
00:22:15,285 --> 00:22:16,817
[Burny] You're a sphincter.

477
00:22:20,893 --> 00:22:22,453
Uh, where is Bells?

478
00:22:22,488 --> 00:22:23,791
[tapping on glass]

479
00:22:28,235 --> 00:22:30,631
- Uh, what the hell?
- I got thrown out.

480
00:22:30,666 --> 00:22:32,965
- For what?
- For being a little sex fiend.

481
00:22:34,699 --> 00:22:36,103
Are you with that pervert?

482
00:22:36,139 --> 00:22:38,938
Uh, I mean...

483
00:22:38,973 --> 00:22:41,012
- We go to the same school.
- You're such a sellout.

484
00:22:41,047 --> 00:22:42,509
That pervert's our boy, Belly.

485
00:22:42,545 --> 00:22:44,675
Well, your boy Belly's
been bounced.

486
00:22:44,711 --> 00:22:46,284
You wanna join him,
be my guest.

487
00:22:46,319 --> 00:22:48,384
But keep the door closed.
Don't let my AC out.

488
00:22:48,420 --> 00:22:51,989
[loudly] You touch my car,
I call the cops!

489
00:22:52,024 --> 00:22:54,187
[louder] You touch my car,

490
00:22:54,223 --> 00:22:55,852
I call the cops!

491
00:22:55,888 --> 00:22:59,291
You can't hear me?
I can't hear you.

492
00:22:59,327 --> 00:23:02,027
I won. [scoffs]

493
00:23:04,235 --> 00:23:05,668
[muffled]
Meet me out back.

494
00:23:07,601 --> 00:23:09,870
[muffled]
Meet me out back.

495
00:23:11,109 --> 00:23:13,038
Jesus. Meet me out back.

496
00:23:17,543 --> 00:23:19,681
[sighs] All right.

497
00:23:19,717 --> 00:23:22,417
Can you get me some Twizzlers?
I'll go get Bells.

498
00:23:22,453 --> 00:23:23,716
Can I eat you
one of your Twizzlers?

499
00:23:23,751 --> 00:23:26,084
[chuckles]
You can eat this Twizzler.

500
00:23:31,227 --> 00:23:33,330
Ah. S'up, Stank?

501
00:23:33,365 --> 00:23:36,061
- Oh, hey. S'up?
How you doing?
- Good.

502
00:23:36,096 --> 00:23:39,394
D-didn't I see you at<i> Rocky IV</i>
couple of months ago?

503
00:23:40,237 --> 00:23:41,899
- Yeah.
- Oh, man.

504
00:23:41,934 --> 00:23:43,505
I can't stop thinking
about that movie.

505
00:23:43,540 --> 00:23:45,099
- It was crazy.
- So good, right?

506
00:23:45,135 --> 00:23:47,540
I couldn't believe
that Rocky lived.

507
00:23:47,576 --> 00:23:49,513
- Yeah.
- E-even so, I was like,

508
00:23:49,549 --> 00:23:53,410
"That movie's... [stammers]
really hard to follow."

509
00:23:53,446 --> 00:23:56,353
You know, 'cause it's like,
it was like you think
he's gonna be dead

510
00:23:56,388 --> 00:23:58,289
'cause he's all, like,
bloody and stuff.

511
00:23:58,324 --> 00:24:00,417
Then he's just like...
[sings fanfare]

512
00:24:00,453 --> 00:24:01,589
Just like...

513
00:24:01,624 --> 00:24:03,724
- [imitates blow landing]
- Whoa!

514
00:24:03,759 --> 00:24:05,597
And then-- But then
the other guy was like...

515
00:24:05,632 --> 00:24:08,296
[imitates blow landing]
And there's blood
and all this spit.

516
00:24:08,331 --> 00:24:10,564
[imitates spit spraying]

517
00:24:10,599 --> 00:24:13,028
- Yeah.
- And it all came out.

518
00:24:13,063 --> 00:24:14,765
- [chuckles]
- It-it was cool.

519
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,700
Remember when the blonde guy...

520
00:24:16,735 --> 00:24:18,241
The Ru-- He's Russian.

521
00:24:18,276 --> 00:24:19,541
I don't know where he's from,

522
00:24:19,576 --> 00:24:21,774
but he-he's just like...
[imitates punch]

523
00:24:21,809 --> 00:24:23,707
I don't think it matters
where he's from.

524
00:24:23,742 --> 00:24:25,779
[chuckles] A-and then--

525
00:24:25,814 --> 00:24:29,387
and-and-and he just, like,
punched him so hard.

526
00:24:29,422 --> 00:24:31,888
- Remember that?
- Yeah. It was the climax.

527
00:24:31,924 --> 00:24:33,258
He climaxed?

528
00:24:33,293 --> 00:24:35,654
No, it was the climax
of the film.

529
00:24:35,690 --> 00:24:38,329
Yeah, it was so cool.
[chuckles]

530
00:24:38,364 --> 00:24:40,697
But I just thought
it was kind of fake.

531
00:24:43,100 --> 00:24:44,727
[chuckles]

532
00:24:44,762 --> 00:24:46,269
What, for free?

533
00:24:46,304 --> 00:24:48,171
You know I don't got
any bread.

534
00:24:48,206 --> 00:24:51,136
Ah, but you got bacon.

535
00:24:58,042 --> 00:24:59,740
Did you see my new
Stryper jacket?

536
00:24:59,776 --> 00:25:00,810
Oh, cool.

537
00:25:00,845 --> 00:25:02,416
- Rock on.
- Yeah.

538
00:25:02,452 --> 00:25:04,948
Well, not--
No, actually.

539
00:25:04,984 --> 00:25:07,622
Rock on without the horns,
'cause...

540
00:25:07,657 --> 00:25:09,891
- [taps thigh]
- Hell is for pussies.

541
00:25:11,231 --> 00:25:13,525
It's for--
Heaven's where it's at.

542
00:25:13,561 --> 00:25:15,530
H-have you been saved?

543
00:25:15,565 --> 00:25:17,497
- What?
- Have you been saved?

544
00:25:17,533 --> 00:25:19,333
- By Jesus?
- [scoffs]

545
00:25:19,368 --> 00:25:21,268
No, by Tony Danza.

546
00:25:21,304 --> 00:25:22,838
Yeah, by Jesus.

547
00:25:22,874 --> 00:25:26,137
Um, I-I guess.
I'm an altar boy
and I go to church.

548
00:25:26,173 --> 00:25:29,038
Good for you. So I guess
we'll be in heaven together,

549
00:25:29,074 --> 00:25:31,544
spitting down
on all those heathens.

550
00:25:31,579 --> 00:25:33,044
- Yeah.
- [both chuckle]

551
00:25:33,079 --> 00:25:35,352
You're not doing
Hands Across America either?

552
00:25:35,387 --> 00:25:37,212
- Nah, not this year.
- Yeah.

553
00:25:37,247 --> 00:25:39,516
I asked a bunch of people,
but, um...

554
00:25:39,552 --> 00:25:40,950
Yeah, I...

555
00:25:40,985 --> 00:25:42,727
No one wanted to do it
with me.

556
00:25:42,763 --> 00:25:46,189
They already had people
that they were doing
hands with, so...

557
00:25:46,224 --> 00:25:48,333
I mean, I understand,
'cause it's kind of like

558
00:25:48,368 --> 00:25:50,696
you have to know somebody
really well

559
00:25:50,731 --> 00:25:53,468
to, like, stand next to somebody

560
00:25:53,504 --> 00:25:55,331
and, like,
give them a hand job.

561
00:25:55,366 --> 00:25:58,640
But you know,
just for bringing
people together,

562
00:25:58,676 --> 00:26:00,711
it's, like, kind of a lot
to ask, I guess.

563
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:07,179
- Here we go.
- Thanks.

564
00:26:12,052 --> 00:26:13,486
How many previews
do you think we get?

565
00:26:13,521 --> 00:26:15,049
It's always three.

566
00:26:15,084 --> 00:26:16,958
I hope we get<i> The Fly.</i>

567
00:26:18,564 --> 00:26:20,291
I hope we get<i> Aliens</i>
and<i> Labyrinth.</i>

568
00:26:24,368 --> 00:26:26,099
[thoughtful music plays]

569
00:26:29,773 --> 00:26:32,709
[narrator]<i> Her name</i>
<i> is Sister Sarah Wallace,</i>

570
00:26:32,744 --> 00:26:35,812
<i> and she is unlike any nun</i>
<i> you've ever met.</i>

571
00:26:37,942 --> 00:26:39,942
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

572
00:26:39,978 --> 00:26:41,048
- Hi!
-<i> She's young.</i>

573
00:26:42,783 --> 00:26:44,249
-<i> She's fun.</i>
- [laughs]

574
00:26:45,488 --> 00:26:47,549
[indistinct chatter]

575
00:26:50,129 --> 00:26:52,224
Yes! Yes! High five!

576
00:26:54,090 --> 00:26:56,294
<i> And she's got a secret.</i>

577
00:26:59,472 --> 00:27:02,931
They stole all the food
for the orphans!

578
00:27:02,967 --> 00:27:04,206
What are we gonna do?

579
00:27:04,242 --> 00:27:07,105
[dramatic music]

580
00:27:07,140 --> 00:27:09,648
<i> To feed the hungry kids</i>
<i> at her orphanage,</i>

581
00:27:10,779 --> 00:27:13,250
<i> this naughty nun will develop</i>

582
00:27:13,285 --> 00:27:15,384
<i> some filthy habits.</i>

583
00:27:15,419 --> 00:27:17,414
[saxophone music plays]

584
00:27:19,819 --> 00:27:22,060
[narrator speaking]

585
00:27:22,095 --> 00:27:25,292
How come the nuns
were never secret hookers
when we were in school?

586
00:27:25,327 --> 00:27:28,825
One time I pulled my pud
to the thought of sex
with Sister Anne.

587
00:27:28,860 --> 00:27:30,566
[breathes deeply]

588
00:27:30,601 --> 00:27:32,632
Was guilty as hell
afterwards.

589
00:27:32,668 --> 00:27:34,330
You're gonna burn, sinner.

590
00:27:34,365 --> 00:27:35,733
Hey, don't tell anybody
I told you that.

591
00:27:35,768 --> 00:27:37,102
Who would I tell?

592
00:27:37,138 --> 00:27:39,333
You're out here swimming
around in a toilet bowl.

593
00:27:39,369 --> 00:27:41,512
But you're a nun.
Not a hooker!

594
00:27:41,547 --> 00:27:44,474
Well, maybe God
wants me to be both!

595
00:27:44,509 --> 00:27:46,415
- [sax music resumes]
- [narrator]<i> A nun by day...</i>

596
00:27:46,450 --> 00:27:48,486
Ready? Yeah! [laughing]

597
00:27:48,522 --> 00:27:50,845
[narrator]
<i> ...and a hooker by night.</i>

598
00:27:50,881 --> 00:27:53,315
Hey, Sister!

599
00:27:53,350 --> 00:27:56,189
I got something
for your poor box!

600
00:27:58,223 --> 00:28:00,864
Let's see
what's under that wig.

601
00:28:03,535 --> 00:28:05,402
- Oh, hell, no!
- [knife clinks]

602
00:28:05,437 --> 00:28:06,802
- [screams]
- [screams]

603
00:28:06,837 --> 00:28:09,338
- [narrator]<i> Say a prayer for...</i>
- [laughing]

604
00:28:09,373 --> 00:28:12,337
[people clamoring]

605
00:28:17,349 --> 00:28:19,379
[narrator speaking]

606
00:28:19,414 --> 00:28:20,510
<i> Rated R.</i>

607
00:28:21,585 --> 00:28:22,949
We're definitely
seeing that.

608
00:28:22,984 --> 00:28:24,684
Imagine if the nuns
were secret hookers

609
00:28:24,719 --> 00:28:25,819
when we were in school.

610
00:28:25,855 --> 00:28:27,185
Number one,
I already said that.

611
00:28:27,220 --> 00:28:29,118
And number two,
one time Burny jerked off

612
00:28:29,153 --> 00:28:30,459
thinking about sister Anne.

613
00:28:30,494 --> 00:28:31,690
- [laughs]
- Dude!

614
00:28:31,725 --> 00:28:34,264
[insects chirring]

615
00:28:34,300 --> 00:28:38,126
[uneasy music plays]

616
00:28:38,161 --> 00:28:41,069
[man breathing gruffly]

617
00:28:47,576 --> 00:28:49,781
[woman panting]

618
00:29:05,565 --> 00:29:07,425
- [blade plunges]
- [man roars]

619
00:29:09,435 --> 00:29:11,567
<i> "The Health Nut"?</i> Huh.

620
00:29:11,602 --> 00:29:13,229
Get outta here with this shit.

621
00:29:13,265 --> 00:29:15,163
Well, they banned it
in Scandinavia.

622
00:29:15,198 --> 00:29:17,533
That slasher isn't fit

623
00:29:17,569 --> 00:29:20,005
to wipe the blood off
the blades of Leatherface,

624
00:29:20,041 --> 00:29:21,736
Michael Myers
or Freddy Krueger.

625
00:29:21,771 --> 00:29:24,339
You haven't even seen
the movie yet, Judge Wapner.

626
00:29:24,374 --> 00:29:26,409
I don't need to see
the movie,

627
00:29:26,445 --> 00:29:28,383
'cause I'm the greatest
horror movie expert

628
00:29:28,419 --> 00:29:29,881
you've ever met.

629
00:29:29,916 --> 00:29:31,251
Stupid piece of shit.

630
00:29:32,490 --> 00:29:35,087
Question for the expert.

631
00:29:35,123 --> 00:29:37,857
Who wins in a fight
between Jason, Freddy,

632
00:29:37,892 --> 00:29:40,430
Leatherface,
and Michael Myers?

633
00:29:40,465 --> 00:29:42,064
My man, Jason Voorhees.

634
00:29:42,099 --> 00:29:44,030
[imitates buzzer]
The correct answer
to the question

635
00:29:44,066 --> 00:29:46,131
"Who wins in a fight
between Jason, Freddy,

636
00:29:46,166 --> 00:29:48,172
Leatherface,
and Michael Myers?" is...

637
00:29:48,207 --> 00:29:49,770
the audience!

638
00:29:49,805 --> 00:29:51,436
- We all win.
- [clicks]

639
00:29:52,936 --> 00:29:53,845
Idiot.

640
00:29:56,075 --> 00:29:59,776
[cheerful '80s music plays]

641
00:29:59,811 --> 00:30:00,819
[thuds]

642
00:30:05,181 --> 00:30:06,480
Morning, gorgeous.

643
00:30:06,516 --> 00:30:09,127
Morning.
What'cha havin'?
The usual?

644
00:30:09,162 --> 00:30:10,551
[loud sigh]

645
00:30:10,587 --> 00:30:13,326
I gotta unload
before I reload.
[chuckles]

646
00:30:15,301 --> 00:30:17,000
[sighs heavily]

647
00:30:24,136 --> 00:30:26,004
[horror movie music plays]

648
00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:27,670
- [zipper unzips]
- [grunts]

649
00:30:29,448 --> 00:30:30,948
- [farts]
- [groans]

650
00:30:32,548 --> 00:30:36,244
[skittering]

651
00:30:36,279 --> 00:30:37,978
[repeated wet punches]

652
00:30:38,014 --> 00:30:39,247
Oh!

653
00:30:39,282 --> 00:30:40,585
[screams] Oh, my God!

654
00:30:40,621 --> 00:30:41,819
Oh!

655
00:30:41,854 --> 00:30:45,527
[screaming]

656
00:30:45,563 --> 00:30:47,692
[urgent music plays]

657
00:30:47,728 --> 00:30:49,164
[thumping]

658
00:31:03,074 --> 00:31:04,676
[alien speech]

659
00:31:04,712 --> 00:31:05,941
[screams]

660
00:31:05,976 --> 00:31:07,314
[roars]

661
00:31:10,248 --> 00:31:12,984
So they crawl up your butt.

662
00:31:13,020 --> 00:31:15,256
Oh, Mr. Wizard over here.

663
00:31:16,257 --> 00:31:18,286
I can't believe
this place is so empty.

664
00:31:18,321 --> 00:31:19,464
When did this come out?

665
00:31:19,499 --> 00:31:21,858
<i>Astro Blaster?</i> Back in March.

666
00:31:21,893 --> 00:31:24,626
Remember,
we snuck into<i> Highlander</i>
after we saw<i> Astro Blaster?</i>

667
00:31:24,661 --> 00:31:26,729
I remember Burny
missing half of<i> Highlander</i>

668
00:31:26,764 --> 00:31:29,199
because he was feeling up
Susie Bukachyk the whole time.

669
00:31:29,234 --> 00:31:31,005
Eh, Bukachyk's so Catholic,

670
00:31:31,041 --> 00:31:32,875
she only let me touch
her left titty.

671
00:31:32,910 --> 00:31:35,079
That's why he calls her
the "Kurgan."

672
00:31:35,115 --> 00:31:36,307
Why?

673
00:31:36,342 --> 00:31:37,744
[dramatic voice]
"There can be only one!"

674
00:31:37,780 --> 00:31:39,175
- [laughs]
- S...

675
00:31:39,210 --> 00:31:40,910
- Sorry.
- It's starting.

676
00:31:40,946 --> 00:31:42,514
[chuckles]

677
00:31:43,721 --> 00:31:45,754
<i> ♪ Astro Blaster ♪</i>

678
00:31:45,789 --> 00:31:47,187
<i> ♪ And the Beavermen ♪</i>

679
00:31:47,223 --> 00:31:50,621
["Astro Blaster
and the Beavermen" playing]

680
00:31:56,096 --> 00:31:58,729
<i> ♪ Astro Blaster ♪</i>

681
00:31:58,764 --> 00:32:01,269
<i> ♪ Friend to the Beavermen</i>
<i> and the Beaverwomen ♪</i>

682
00:32:05,809 --> 00:32:07,511
[whispers]
It's Jessica Court.

683
00:32:07,546 --> 00:32:09,172
[Burny chuckles lightly]

684
00:32:09,207 --> 00:32:10,410
[whispers] Watch this.

685
00:32:11,745 --> 00:32:13,042
[thuds]

686
00:32:13,078 --> 00:32:14,911
You got Burned.

687
00:32:14,946 --> 00:32:16,244
Burny!

688
00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:17,713
Who the hell is this?

689
00:32:17,749 --> 00:32:20,557
Oh, this is Burny.
I graduated with his brother.

690
00:32:20,593 --> 00:32:22,859
Uh, Burny, this is Randi.

691
00:32:22,894 --> 00:32:25,858
- Where are you from, hon?
- "Hon"?

692
00:32:25,894 --> 00:32:27,529
I'm from the Bay Area.

693
00:32:27,564 --> 00:32:29,058
Bay Avenue?

694
00:32:29,094 --> 00:32:30,391
San Francisco.

695
00:32:30,426 --> 00:32:31,630
Oh, we met at school.

696
00:32:31,666 --> 00:32:32,964
Ah.

697
00:32:32,999 --> 00:32:34,605
So, how's college?

698
00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:36,564
Is it all orgies in the dorms?

699
00:32:36,599 --> 00:32:38,409
Dorms?
We don't live in the dorms.

700
00:32:38,445 --> 00:32:39,637
- My God.
- Shh.

701
00:32:42,112 --> 00:32:44,780
I'm Damocles of the Beavermen,
damn it!

702
00:32:44,815 --> 00:32:46,941
And that means one damn thing.

703
00:32:49,455 --> 00:32:50,983
I rule the beaver.

704
00:32:51,018 --> 00:32:52,518
You haven't seen this yet?

705
00:32:53,755 --> 00:32:55,085
No. Did you?

706
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:57,285
Yeah. It's stupid.

707
00:32:57,320 --> 00:32:59,223
Like, stupid fun?

708
00:32:59,258 --> 00:33:01,733
Eh. Mm,
it's not as stupid fun

709
00:33:01,768 --> 00:33:04,669
as you and me
making out to<i> Goonies.</i>

710
00:33:04,704 --> 00:33:07,261
Oh. And it was
in the same theater.

711
00:33:07,297 --> 00:33:08,797
- Yeah.
- Hmm.

712
00:33:08,832 --> 00:33:10,837
Maybe we should take
a little walk down memory lane

713
00:33:10,873 --> 00:33:12,136
in the back row, huh?

714
00:33:12,172 --> 00:33:13,634
- No way.
- [chuckles]

715
00:33:13,670 --> 00:33:15,179
I'm here with Randi
and Barbara.

716
00:33:15,214 --> 00:33:16,573
So?

717
00:33:16,609 --> 00:33:18,874
I'm here with Brian and Bells.
Who gives a shit?

718
00:33:20,149 --> 00:33:22,548
- You know you wanna.
- [taps chair]

719
00:33:28,456 --> 00:33:30,587
- [whispers indistinctly]
- [groans, mutters]

720
00:33:30,622 --> 00:33:33,795
Excuse me. I'm gonna be,
uh, just right back.

721
00:33:33,831 --> 00:33:35,324
You're just flat leaving us?

722
00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:37,167
Is there a Brian David here?

723
00:33:38,533 --> 00:33:41,003
- I'm looking for Brian David.
- [audience shushes]

724
00:33:41,038 --> 00:33:44,200
Holy shit,
I can't hear the movie!

725
00:33:44,235 --> 00:33:46,470
Eat shit, asshole!

726
00:33:46,505 --> 00:33:47,802
- Brian David.
- [audience clamors]

727
00:33:47,837 --> 00:33:50,438
Come see the manager
in the lobby, ASAP.

728
00:33:50,474 --> 00:33:52,944
Brian David. Brian David.

729
00:33:52,979 --> 00:33:53,975
Should I go?

730
00:33:55,750 --> 00:33:56,846
Godspeed.

731
00:33:58,755 --> 00:34:00,452
[chair rattles]

732
00:34:00,487 --> 00:34:03,160
I'm terrified
by what's about to happen.

733
00:34:08,358 --> 00:34:10,660
Uh, I'm Brian David.

734
00:34:10,695 --> 00:34:13,035
So I'm on the phone
with my Paramount rep.

735
00:34:13,070 --> 00:34:14,365
That's Paramount Pictures,
mind you.

736
00:34:14,401 --> 00:34:16,403
<i> Godfather,</i>
<i> Godfather Part II.</i>

737
00:34:16,438 --> 00:34:18,676
And all of a sudden,
the operator interrupts us

738
00:34:18,711 --> 00:34:21,237
with an emergency breakthrough

739
00:34:21,272 --> 00:34:22,443
from your mother.

740
00:34:24,045 --> 00:34:26,646
Mom, uh, w-what's wrong?

741
00:34:26,681 --> 00:34:30,178
You are giving this cat a bath
when you get home tonight.

742
00:34:31,047 --> 00:34:34,384
You made an emergency
breakthrough to tell me that?

743
00:34:34,419 --> 00:34:36,390
That's how filthy this cat is!

744
00:34:36,426 --> 00:34:39,831
Cats are self-cleaning, Ma,
and they hate water.

745
00:34:39,866 --> 00:34:42,365
No, that's only in cartoons,
Brian.

746
00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:46,903
Okay, I'll give the cat a bath
when I get home, um, I promise.

747
00:34:46,939 --> 00:34:48,698
- But I gotta go.
-<i> Oh, okay!</i>

748
00:34:48,734 --> 00:34:51,238
Big important man
doesn't have time to talk

749
00:34:51,273 --> 00:34:53,870
to his mother
who gave birth to him.

750
00:34:53,905 --> 00:34:56,939
You know, I lost one
before you and one after you.

751
00:34:56,975 --> 00:34:59,214
I can't really talk about
my dead ghost siblings, Ma.

752
00:34:59,249 --> 00:35:01,216
The manager is waiting
for his phone back.

753
00:35:01,251 --> 00:35:03,082
Well, I was waiting
for a thank-you note

754
00:35:03,118 --> 00:35:04,680
from your cousin Allison,

755
00:35:04,715 --> 00:35:06,616
which just came
in the mail today.

756
00:35:06,652 --> 00:35:08,925
<i> I sent a wedding present</i>
<i> to that dummy</i>

757
00:35:08,961 --> 00:35:11,221
<i> after she eloped</i>
<i> with some twerp.</i>

758
00:35:11,256 --> 00:35:12,787
Listen to this BS!

759
00:35:12,822 --> 00:35:14,393
Pardon my French,
Blessed Mother.

760
00:35:14,428 --> 00:35:16,625
Listen to this.
"Dear Aunt Grace,

761
00:35:16,660 --> 00:35:18,299
Thank you
for the wedding present.

762
00:35:18,334 --> 00:35:20,804
<i> We love the bed linens</i>
<i> from Bradley's,</i>

763
00:35:20,839 --> 00:35:22,404
<i>but when we opened the package,</i>

764
00:35:22,439 --> 00:35:25,275
<i> there were two fitted sheets</i>
<i> and no top sheet.</i>

765
00:35:25,311 --> 00:35:28,905
It's a little hard to sleep
between two fitted sheets,

766
00:35:28,940 --> 00:35:32,310
so we're gonna bring them back
and get a correct set.

767
00:35:32,345 --> 00:35:34,609
Thank you so much, Allison."

768
00:35:34,645 --> 00:35:36,481
[scoffs]
"It's a little hard

769
00:35:36,516 --> 00:35:38,118
to sleep between
two fitted sheets."

770
00:35:38,153 --> 00:35:39,483
Well, then don't get married!

771
00:35:39,519 --> 00:35:41,222
Ma, the manager's
staring at me

772
00:35:41,258 --> 00:35:42,993
because, uh,
we're tying up the phone.

773
00:35:43,028 --> 00:35:45,058
Well, tell him
to hold his horses.

774
00:35:45,094 --> 00:35:46,490
I'm not telling him that.

775
00:35:46,525 --> 00:35:48,830
You don't have to.
I can hear her.

776
00:35:48,865 --> 00:35:51,167
He can hear you, Ma.

777
00:35:51,202 --> 00:35:53,604
That means both of you
can hear me when I say,

778
00:35:53,639 --> 00:35:55,434
"Get off the phone

779
00:35:55,469 --> 00:35:58,235
or I'm ejecting you
from the theater!"

780
00:35:58,270 --> 00:35:59,435
I gotta go, Ma.

781
00:35:59,470 --> 00:36:01,141
Well, I love you, tiger.

782
00:36:01,176 --> 00:36:02,470
Okay, I'll see you tonight.

783
00:36:02,505 --> 00:36:04,104
Oh, okay, Fonzie.

784
00:36:04,140 --> 00:36:06,408
Too cool to say "I love you"
back to your mother?

785
00:36:06,443 --> 00:36:07,677
I'm in public, Ma.

786
00:36:07,713 --> 00:36:10,612
Oh, I did 18 hours of labor
in public

787
00:36:10,647 --> 00:36:12,185
bringing you into this world.

788
00:36:12,220 --> 00:36:14,791
Tell her you love her, Fonzie.

789
00:36:14,826 --> 00:36:16,722
I love you. Goodbye, Ma.

790
00:36:18,625 --> 00:36:21,793
Sorry, uh, my mom's
mad at my cousin.

791
00:36:21,828 --> 00:36:25,599
I don't care about
your family ties,
Alex P. Keaton.

792
00:36:25,634 --> 00:36:28,366
This isn't the party line
where the action never stops

793
00:36:28,401 --> 00:36:31,136
for 89 cents a minute. This...

794
00:36:31,171 --> 00:36:33,042
is a business phone.

795
00:36:33,078 --> 00:36:36,375
And that business
is show business,

796
00:36:36,410 --> 00:36:39,816
as in lights, camera,
and action.

797
00:36:39,852 --> 00:36:42,015
- [phone rings]
- Oh. See?

798
00:36:42,051 --> 00:36:43,846
People trying to call.

799
00:36:43,882 --> 00:36:46,023
Atlantic Cinemas,
where the movies come to play.

800
00:36:46,059 --> 00:36:48,220
Manager Mike speaking.
How can I help you?

801
00:36:48,255 --> 00:36:49,326
It's your mother again.

802
00:36:50,489 --> 00:36:52,224
- Hello?
- You hung up.

803
00:36:52,259 --> 00:36:53,654
I thought we were done.

804
00:36:53,690 --> 00:36:55,031
Since when don't you wait

805
00:36:55,067 --> 00:36:57,164
to hear me say
"I love you too"?

806
00:36:57,199 --> 00:36:59,059
The manager was staring at me.

807
00:36:59,094 --> 00:37:01,134
You could be riding
your bike home tonight

808
00:37:01,170 --> 00:37:02,965
and get run over by a bus.

809
00:37:03,001 --> 00:37:05,568
And as you die there
in the gutter, you'd realize

810
00:37:05,603 --> 00:37:07,474
that you missed your last chance

811
00:37:07,509 --> 00:37:10,341
to hear your only mother say
"I love you."

812
00:37:10,376 --> 00:37:12,479
Ah-- I don't want that!

813
00:37:12,514 --> 00:37:14,483
You don't want what?
Me to get hit by a bus

814
00:37:14,519 --> 00:37:17,385
or me to have regrets when I die
from getting hit by a bus?

815
00:37:17,420 --> 00:37:19,384
Christopher Columbus!
I don't even wanna think

816
00:37:19,419 --> 00:37:20,817
about you getting hit by a bus!

817
00:37:20,852 --> 00:37:22,760
Well, then why'd you say--
Can I go now?

818
00:37:22,795 --> 00:37:24,357
[sighs]
How's the movie?

819
00:37:25,060 --> 00:37:28,222
I don't know!
Because I've been on the phone
with you the whole time.

820
00:37:28,931 --> 00:37:30,098
Who's that?

821
00:37:30,133 --> 00:37:31,869
- Your son.
- The short one?

822
00:37:31,904 --> 00:37:33,536
- [gasps]
- Oh, my God.

823
00:37:33,571 --> 00:37:36,769
Crumbs! You think he's not
self-conscious enough already?

824
00:37:36,805 --> 00:37:39,042
- I thought he was
at the movies.
- He's there now.

825
00:37:39,078 --> 00:37:41,037
Ask him if the movie
is any good.

826
00:37:41,073 --> 00:37:43,713
Your father wants to know
if your movie's good or not.

827
00:37:43,749 --> 00:37:45,448
I don't know,

828
00:37:45,484 --> 00:37:48,514
because I've been on the phone
with you the whole time.

829
00:37:48,550 --> 00:37:51,349
Listen, I-I love you,
but I gotta go.

830
00:37:51,384 --> 00:37:53,290
I love you too, tiger.

831
00:37:53,325 --> 00:37:56,584
W-w-w-w-whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, what about me?

832
00:37:56,619 --> 00:37:58,293
Yes, I love you too.

833
00:37:58,328 --> 00:38:00,192
Ah, not that.
What does Igor say?

834
00:38:00,228 --> 00:38:02,227
I'm in public, Dad.

835
00:38:02,263 --> 00:38:03,796
What does Igor say?

836
00:38:07,006 --> 00:38:09,903
[as Igor]
Good night, Master.

837
00:38:09,939 --> 00:38:10,971
[chuckles]

838
00:38:11,006 --> 00:38:12,810
[both laugh]

839
00:38:12,845 --> 00:38:14,474
I made him do the Igor.

840
00:38:14,510 --> 00:38:17,146
You're not from around here,
stranger.

841
00:38:17,182 --> 00:38:19,812
Why, you don't even have
buck teeth.

842
00:38:21,653 --> 00:38:23,544
Or a tail.

843
00:38:23,580 --> 00:38:25,283
I'm from Earth.

844
00:38:25,318 --> 00:38:26,714
You're from Earth?

845
00:38:26,749 --> 00:38:28,758
Yes. I'm Astro Blaster.

846
00:38:28,793 --> 00:38:30,217
Astro Blaster?

847
00:38:30,253 --> 00:38:33,389
Yeah. I'm the drummer
in a Van Halen cover band.

848
00:38:33,425 --> 00:38:36,763
[Burny panting]

849
00:38:39,297 --> 00:38:42,963
Man, my mom made
an emergency breakthrough
to talk about the cat.

850
00:38:42,998 --> 00:38:45,002
[scoffs]
Can you believe that shit?

851
00:38:47,245 --> 00:38:48,940
I said,
"can you believe that shit?"

852
00:38:51,140 --> 00:38:52,977
She called to tell me
how she give the cat--

853
00:38:54,546 --> 00:38:55,910
Oh, my God, you guys--

854
00:38:55,945 --> 00:38:57,844
You guys were doing it
right here?

855
00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:00,081
I-in front of Astro Blaster?

856
00:39:00,117 --> 00:39:02,926
- A-and the Beavermen? Oh!
- [chair rattles]

857
00:39:02,961 --> 00:39:05,258
In a Van Halen cover band?

858
00:39:05,293 --> 00:39:07,698
Yes. It's a big deal.

859
00:39:07,734 --> 00:39:09,163
It's a big deal?

860
00:39:09,198 --> 00:39:11,329
Yeah, I just said that.

861
00:39:11,365 --> 00:39:13,000
You just said that.

862
00:39:13,036 --> 00:39:14,963
[chair rattles]

863
00:39:14,998 --> 00:39:17,097
Burny's having sex
during the movie.

864
00:39:17,132 --> 00:39:19,003
The guy's got
no respect for cinema.

865
00:39:21,143 --> 00:39:22,336
Am I right, Bells?

866
00:39:23,674 --> 00:39:26,483
- Bells?
- [snoring]

867
00:39:29,418 --> 00:39:31,820
- [grunting]
- [chair rattling]

868
00:39:31,856 --> 00:39:34,824
[panting]

869
00:39:34,860 --> 00:39:36,757
[gulping] Mmm.

870
00:39:40,260 --> 00:39:43,566
[slurping]

871
00:39:45,365 --> 00:39:46,503
What'd I miss?

872
00:39:48,773 --> 00:39:49,704
Jesus.

873
00:39:52,835 --> 00:39:55,044
Here's the beef, okay?

874
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:59,576
We've nearly depleted our entire
strategic popcorn supply.

875
00:39:59,612 --> 00:40:00,914
Do you know what that means?

876
00:40:00,950 --> 00:40:01,985
No.

877
00:40:02,020 --> 00:40:03,978
That means I have to call

878
00:40:04,013 --> 00:40:06,747
every theater
in a ten-mile radius

879
00:40:06,782 --> 00:40:08,486
offering crazy money

880
00:40:08,522 --> 00:40:10,855
to buy their crappy popcorn,

881
00:40:10,890 --> 00:40:14,364
only to get laughed at
and mocked by managers

882
00:40:14,399 --> 00:40:18,027
telling me I can't hack it
in the movie biz.

883
00:40:18,062 --> 00:40:21,165
But just when scuzzy old
Strathmore Cinema--

884
00:40:21,201 --> 00:40:24,007
the home of the cruddiest
corn in the country--
is saying yes,

885
00:40:24,043 --> 00:40:26,942
and I am swallowing my pride

886
00:40:26,978 --> 00:40:29,011
to close a deal,

887
00:40:29,046 --> 00:40:30,206
all of a sudden...

888
00:40:33,085 --> 00:40:35,145
I get an emergency breakthrough.

889
00:40:35,879 --> 00:40:37,449
I'm really sorry
about my mom.

890
00:40:37,485 --> 00:40:39,287
It's not your mom this time.

891
00:40:39,322 --> 00:40:41,687
Hey, hey.
Have fun. Don't run.

892
00:40:41,722 --> 00:40:44,557
- Hello?
- Hey, Brian, it's Melody.

893
00:40:44,593 --> 00:40:46,253
I'm sorry
to call you like this.

894
00:40:46,288 --> 00:40:48,430
- Is something wrong?
-<i> A little. Um,</i>

895
00:40:48,465 --> 00:40:50,259
I can't go to the 4:30 movie
with you

896
00:40:50,294 --> 00:40:52,269
because my mom says
I gotta stay home for supper.

897
00:40:52,304 --> 00:40:53,966
But she said I can go
after I eat.

898
00:40:54,597 --> 00:40:55,767
Yeah?

899
00:40:55,802 --> 00:40:58,064
Okay, that's--
that's awesome, uh...

900
00:40:58,100 --> 00:40:59,807
<i> Bucklick</i> plays again at 7:15.

901
00:40:59,843 --> 00:41:03,345
I'll be there around 7:00,
as soon as I'm done with dinner.

902
00:41:03,381 --> 00:41:04,942
You want me to bring you
a pork chop?

903
00:41:04,977 --> 00:41:06,974
[lisping]
"Pork chopsh and appleshaush.

904
00:41:07,009 --> 00:41:08,684
Isn't that shwell?" [chuckles]

905
00:41:10,514 --> 00:41:12,485
What?

906
00:41:12,520 --> 00:41:14,316
That's from<i> The Brady Bunch.</i>

907
00:41:14,351 --> 00:41:18,625
Wow. You sure know a lot
about movies and TV shows.

908
00:41:18,661 --> 00:41:21,425
Hey, I'll see you "latey,"
Peter Brady.

909
00:41:21,461 --> 00:41:22,830
Bye. [chuckles]

910
00:41:26,596 --> 00:41:28,736
Sorry.

911
00:41:28,771 --> 00:41:31,003
[imitating Brian]
"Pork chops and applesauce."

912
00:41:31,843 --> 00:41:32,873
God.

913
00:41:36,143 --> 00:41:38,448
Worst moment of your life
was the day your mom found out

914
00:41:38,483 --> 00:41:40,976
she could make
an emergency breakthrough.

915
00:41:41,012 --> 00:41:43,813
That wasn't my mom.
That was Melody.

916
00:41:43,848 --> 00:41:45,983
She called you at the movies?

917
00:41:46,018 --> 00:41:48,282
[As Jessica Walters]
"Oh, play Misty for me."

918
00:41:48,318 --> 00:41:50,587
She did tell me she can't come
to the 4:30 movie.

919
00:41:50,622 --> 00:41:52,196
Oh, yeah? Good.

920
00:41:52,231 --> 00:41:53,793
So she's coming
to the 7:15 show.

921
00:41:53,828 --> 00:41:56,261
What? Now she's coming
to<i> Dental School?</i>

922
00:41:56,296 --> 00:41:58,435
There's gonna be
a ton of titties
in that movie, all right?

923
00:41:58,471 --> 00:42:00,193
I'm not trying to be
looking at naked ladies

924
00:42:00,229 --> 00:42:02,103
while I'm sitting next
to a girl.

925
00:42:02,138 --> 00:42:05,166
Well, I was gonna say
we could go to the 4:30 movie
of<i> Dental School,</i>

926
00:42:05,201 --> 00:42:07,674
and then we all see
<i>Bucklick</i> at 7:15.

927
00:42:07,710 --> 00:42:10,313
Why are we moving
the schedule around

928
00:42:10,348 --> 00:42:12,844
for Melody Barnegat?
Hmm? [scoffs]

929
00:42:12,879 --> 00:42:15,410
We're supposed to be
seeing movies today.

930
00:42:16,380 --> 00:42:18,815
You see a lot of this movie
from behind Jessica Court

931
00:42:18,851 --> 00:42:20,380
- or what?
- Okay. S-s-s-see,

932
00:42:20,416 --> 00:42:23,222
that's different, okay?
That wasn't planned.

933
00:42:23,258 --> 00:42:25,723
That's what you'll say about
the kid she's gonna have
in nine months.

934
00:42:25,759 --> 00:42:28,891
Ch'yeah, right.
I wore a rubber.

935
00:42:28,927 --> 00:42:30,791
Who brings rubbers
to the movies?

936
00:42:30,827 --> 00:42:32,664
- I do.
- Why?

937
00:42:32,700 --> 00:42:34,997
Because what if
the movie sucks?

938
00:42:35,032 --> 00:42:37,734
You walk out.
You don't pull out.

939
00:42:37,769 --> 00:42:39,703
If I'm wearing a rubber,

940
00:42:39,738 --> 00:42:41,612
why would I pull out?

941
00:42:46,113 --> 00:42:49,383
There's a damn force field
around that damn fortress.

942
00:42:49,418 --> 00:42:51,088
We need to bail out now.

943
00:42:51,123 --> 00:42:53,013
I'm not coming, Damocles.

944
00:42:53,048 --> 00:42:54,591
What in the damn hell?

945
00:42:54,626 --> 00:42:56,317
Look, we only got one shot
at this, all right?

946
00:42:56,352 --> 00:42:58,028
So I'm gonna stay here
and steer the ship.

947
00:42:58,063 --> 00:42:59,923
Damn it, man! Why?

948
00:42:59,959 --> 00:43:01,858
Back on Earth,
I'm just a drummer

949
00:43:01,893 --> 00:43:03,898
in a Van Halen cover band, man.

950
00:43:03,933 --> 00:43:08,571
Okay, but here in space,
I can be so much more, Damocles.

951
00:43:08,606 --> 00:43:10,836
I can be the kind of guy
I always wanted to be.

952
00:43:10,872 --> 00:43:13,369
I can be the kind of guy
they call a hero.

953
00:43:13,404 --> 00:43:17,447
Well, since you've made
your damn mind up about it,

954
00:43:17,482 --> 00:43:21,110
then I, Damocles
of the Beavermen,

955
00:43:21,146 --> 00:43:24,552
do hereby swear by
the eternal Morning Wood

956
00:43:24,587 --> 00:43:27,118
that you,
Astro Blaster of Earth,

957
00:43:27,153 --> 00:43:31,552
are the bravest damn hero
in the damn galaxy.

958
00:43:31,587 --> 00:43:34,731
Where I'm from, there's a name
for people like that.

959
00:43:35,762 --> 00:43:37,162
They're called Americans.

960
00:43:38,467 --> 00:43:41,736
Van Halen cover band!

961
00:43:41,772 --> 00:43:44,204
I'm gonna wake up Belly.
The movie's almost over,

962
00:43:44,239 --> 00:43:46,908
so he's gotta go hide
in the bathroom
before the lights come up.

963
00:43:50,775 --> 00:43:52,406
Get off my bacon!

964
00:43:52,442 --> 00:43:54,651
- Nobody's after your bacon.
- [Brian sighs]

965
00:43:54,687 --> 00:43:56,981
Go hide in the bathroom,
meet us in<i> Dental School.</i>

966
00:43:57,016 --> 00:43:58,788
But then I'll miss the end
of the movie.

967
00:43:58,823 --> 00:44:01,386
So? You already slept
through half of it anyways.

968
00:44:01,421 --> 00:44:02,789
Now go.

969
00:44:02,824 --> 00:44:04,585
And don't let
Manager Mike see you.

970
00:44:07,262 --> 00:44:08,325
Stealth.

971
00:44:11,260 --> 00:44:13,668
[chuckles]
I love this part. Look.

972
00:44:13,703 --> 00:44:17,468
A drummer always does it
for the beaver.

973
00:44:17,504 --> 00:44:21,176
[flushing]

974
00:44:21,211 --> 00:44:22,508
[door opens]

975
00:44:22,544 --> 00:44:24,643
[indistinct chatter]

976
00:44:24,678 --> 00:44:26,475
[door creaks, closes]

977
00:44:39,856 --> 00:44:44,064
[chuckling]

978
00:44:52,176 --> 00:44:53,744
"Sex poo."

979
00:45:03,882 --> 00:45:05,288
[belt buckle jingling]

980
00:45:05,323 --> 00:45:07,816
[Belly gasping, panting]

981
00:45:07,852 --> 00:45:09,358
For the beaver!

982
00:45:09,394 --> 00:45:10,960
<i> ♪ Astro Blaster! ♪</i>

983
00:45:10,995 --> 00:45:13,828
- [yells] Van Halen!
-<i> ♪ And the Beavermen, aah ♪</i>

984
00:45:13,863 --> 00:45:17,658
- [music continues]
-<i> Van Halen! Van Halen!</i>

985
00:45:20,037 --> 00:45:22,432
Why do we always have to sit
through these stupid credits?

986
00:45:23,609 --> 00:45:25,633
Remember when we saw
<i>Young Sherlock Holmes?</i>

987
00:45:25,668 --> 00:45:27,872
And at the end of the credits
they had one more scene?

988
00:45:27,908 --> 00:45:29,840
That was one
in a million movies,

989
00:45:29,875 --> 00:45:31,342
and that flick flopped.

990
00:45:31,378 --> 00:45:33,041
So they're never gonna be
doing an after-credits scene

991
00:45:33,076 --> 00:45:34,444
in a movie ever again.

992
00:45:36,321 --> 00:45:38,382
See? Waste of time.

993
00:45:41,293 --> 00:45:42,759
We're going for snacks?

994
00:45:42,794 --> 00:45:44,759
- What if Manager Mike sees us?
- Screw that guy.

995
00:45:44,794 --> 00:45:46,686
He's probably porkin'
the popcorn.

996
00:45:46,722 --> 00:45:49,562
Huh? Bopping your baloney
in a public bathroom?!

997
00:45:49,598 --> 00:45:50,931
Open the door, Tommy.

998
00:45:50,966 --> 00:45:53,898
Mashing your monkey?!
Noodling your nugget?!

999
00:45:53,934 --> 00:45:56,205
You are banned for life,
playboy.

1000
00:45:56,241 --> 00:45:57,808
You disgust me!

1001
00:46:00,269 --> 00:46:02,544
Masturbating in a public area

1002
00:46:02,579 --> 00:46:05,211
is only fun for one person.

1003
00:46:06,142 --> 00:46:07,411
Write that down, Philip.

1004
00:46:13,917 --> 00:46:15,793
[no audio]

1005
00:46:19,057 --> 00:46:20,457
[muffled]
Meet me out back.

1006
00:46:22,499 --> 00:46:24,100
Meet me out back...

1007
00:46:24,135 --> 00:46:25,594
again.

1008
00:46:31,771 --> 00:46:33,239
Enjoy the movie.

1009
00:46:35,575 --> 00:46:36,970
Dick.

1010
00:46:37,006 --> 00:46:38,539
[scoffs] Hi.

1011
00:46:38,574 --> 00:46:40,984
Go away, little girl.
This movie's rated R.

1012
00:46:41,753 --> 00:46:45,381
I know. I just wanted
to ask a question.

1013
00:46:45,416 --> 00:46:47,117
Why are you talking to me?
No one talks to me.

1014
00:46:47,152 --> 00:46:48,524
Yeah, b-but,
I mean, but you--

1015
00:46:48,559 --> 00:46:50,124
Is it awesome to work here?

1016
00:46:50,159 --> 00:46:53,223
Is it awesome to work here?
No, it sucks to work here.

1017
00:46:53,258 --> 00:46:54,728
But you get to see
all the movies.

1018
00:46:54,763 --> 00:46:57,326
Movies suck.
This movie sucks.

1019
00:46:57,361 --> 00:46:59,131
Half the town
and their mother is here.

1020
00:46:59,166 --> 00:47:01,936
Which is fine,
'cause Americans
have no taste.

1021
00:47:01,972 --> 00:47:04,636
You know why?
'Cause Americans
have no future.

1022
00:47:04,671 --> 00:47:06,468
America sucks.

1023
00:47:06,503 --> 00:47:09,607
Now, please, run along.
Change your diaper.

1024
00:47:09,642 --> 00:47:12,015
- We don't have a future?
[stammers]
- What are you doing?

1025
00:47:12,050 --> 00:47:13,974
- Don't-- [stammers]
- What's going on
with your hands?

1026
00:47:14,009 --> 00:47:15,678
- Why do you think
America sucks?
- You're being really jumpy.

1027
00:47:15,714 --> 00:47:17,984
- Since-since when?
- Why are you coming
so close to me?

1028
00:47:18,020 --> 00:47:19,516
Haven't you even seen
<i> The Day After?</i>

1029
00:47:20,550 --> 00:47:22,990
If Russia decides
to nuke us, we're done.

1030
00:47:23,025 --> 00:47:26,422
Kaput. Kentucky
fried chickens. [exhales]

1031
00:47:26,457 --> 00:47:28,823
And I actually welcome it.
I say bring it.

1032
00:47:28,859 --> 00:47:32,502
Take me now, so I never have
to see<i> Dental School</i> ever again.

1033
00:47:32,537 --> 00:47:33,865
You don't like<i> Dental School?</i>

1034
00:47:33,901 --> 00:47:35,605
I've never actually seen it.

1035
00:47:35,641 --> 00:47:37,937
I just hear it
all day and night.

1036
00:47:37,972 --> 00:47:40,371
You're pulling your pud
in public?

1037
00:47:40,407 --> 00:47:43,644
Public masturbation is only
ever fun for one person

1038
00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:45,641
- at a time.
- Shut up!

1039
00:47:48,848 --> 00:47:51,251
[dramatic music]

1040
00:47:53,716 --> 00:47:55,715
I mean, if Gorby gets
a hot trigger finger,

1041
00:47:55,751 --> 00:47:58,525
we are Canadian bacon
over here in America.

1042
00:47:58,561 --> 00:48:00,795
Just crushed.

1043
00:48:00,830 --> 00:48:03,861
Isn't there a shield
or something?

1044
00:48:03,896 --> 00:48:06,230
[scoffs] A shield?

1045
00:48:06,265 --> 00:48:08,132
You know anything
about Star Wars?

1046
00:48:08,168 --> 00:48:09,805
I know everything
about<i> Star Wars.</i>

1047
00:48:09,840 --> 00:48:11,566
You do? So then
you know everything

1048
00:48:11,601 --> 00:48:13,872
about Reagan's Strategic
Defense Initiative,

1049
00:48:13,907 --> 00:48:15,209
the Star Wars program?

1050
00:48:16,572 --> 00:48:19,841
Oh, um, what?
I thought you meant--

1051
00:48:19,876 --> 00:48:22,713
Oh, oh, you thought I meant
that excruciating space opera.

1052
00:48:22,749 --> 00:48:25,748
No, thank you. You know,
I thank our nonexistent God
every day

1053
00:48:25,783 --> 00:48:28,186
that there will never be
another<i> Star Wars</i> movie made.

1054
00:48:28,221 --> 00:48:30,993
We're-- we're at the end
of<i> Star Wars.</i>

1055
00:48:31,029 --> 00:48:33,854
You know what I mean?
W-what would they do next?

1056
00:48:33,889 --> 00:48:36,931
Go back and start telling us
episode one, two, and three?

1057
00:48:36,966 --> 00:48:38,362
Can you imagine
if they were like,

1058
00:48:38,397 --> 00:48:40,161
"Let's break it up
into little TV series"?

1059
00:48:40,196 --> 00:48:41,564
Pfft. Yeah, right!

1060
00:48:41,599 --> 00:48:44,566
I mean, you gotta be
out of your mind. [laughs]

1061
00:48:44,601 --> 00:48:47,103
Like, "We wanna follow
some side stories

1062
00:48:47,138 --> 00:48:48,702
of small characters."

1063
00:48:48,738 --> 00:48:50,911
Like, "Oh, I wonder
what Boba Fett's doing.

1064
00:48:50,947 --> 00:48:52,207
I wanna invest
my time in that."

1065
00:48:52,242 --> 00:48:54,282
Get out of here!
[laughs]

1066
00:48:54,318 --> 00:48:57,682
I don't care about that stuff!
I don't even like<i> Star Wars.</i>

1067
00:48:57,718 --> 00:48:58,989
Gotta go!

1068
00:48:59,919 --> 00:49:01,284
What an asshole.

1069
00:49:01,320 --> 00:49:02,691
I need you to clean
the men's room.

1070
00:49:02,727 --> 00:49:04,456
Somebody took a shit
in a urinal.

1071
00:49:07,125 --> 00:49:09,065
"Somebody" or you, Mike?

1072
00:49:13,131 --> 00:49:14,965
- [panting]
- Hmm...

1073
00:49:15,001 --> 00:49:16,435
[Burny chuckles] Oh.

1074
00:49:18,173 --> 00:49:20,307
Uh, what happened?
I had him distracted.

1075
00:49:20,342 --> 00:49:23,038
The place was packed.
There's only one seat open.

1076
00:49:23,073 --> 00:49:27,047
Because of you and Melody,
now we can't even see
<i> Dental School!</i>

1077
00:49:27,082 --> 00:49:28,782
You don't hear Belly
belly-aching.

1078
00:49:28,818 --> 00:49:29,981
Because Belly's an idiot.

1079
00:49:30,016 --> 00:49:31,544
No more bacon for Burny.

1080
00:49:31,579 --> 00:49:34,291
So? Do you think
I give a shit?

1081
00:49:34,326 --> 00:49:35,784
[girl] Hey!

1082
00:49:35,819 --> 00:49:38,427
You just said "shit"
in front of my little sister.

1083
00:49:38,463 --> 00:49:39,724
She's only six.

1084
00:49:39,759 --> 00:49:41,059
[scoffs]

1085
00:49:41,094 --> 00:49:43,932
Get out of my face,
four eyes.

1086
00:49:43,967 --> 00:49:46,069
Hey! What are you--
Let go of me!

1087
00:49:46,104 --> 00:49:49,465
- [girls screaming]
- Ow! Stop! Get 'em off of me!

1088
00:49:49,501 --> 00:49:52,167
- [girls screeching]
- [Burny yelling]

1089
00:49:52,202 --> 00:49:54,807
Boys, boys, boys.

1090
00:49:54,843 --> 00:49:56,173
[tense music plays]

1091
00:49:56,208 --> 00:49:57,471
In the words of the tagline

1092
00:49:57,506 --> 00:49:59,278
from the<i> Commando</i> poster,

1093
00:49:59,313 --> 00:50:03,748
"Somewhere, somehow,
someone's going to pay".

1094
00:50:03,784 --> 00:50:05,086
[chuckles]

1095
00:50:05,121 --> 00:50:07,786
What's wrong with you?
Get out! Get-- get out!

1096
00:50:07,822 --> 00:50:09,023
[Brian grunts]

1097
00:50:09,059 --> 00:50:11,287
You Three Stooges
are banned for life!

1098
00:50:11,323 --> 00:50:13,593
[screams]
Suck my left nut!

1099
00:50:13,629 --> 00:50:14,889
Not today.

1100
00:50:16,791 --> 00:50:19,135
- [door closes]
- [yells furiously]

1101
00:50:20,969 --> 00:50:22,331
- [growls]
- Burny, wait!

1102
00:50:22,367 --> 00:50:24,298
- [growls]
- [footsteps tap]

1103
00:50:24,334 --> 00:50:26,502
Stop holding hands!

1104
00:50:26,538 --> 00:50:28,369
Where are you going?
We gotta fix this!

1105
00:50:28,404 --> 00:50:29,644
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

1106
00:50:29,680 --> 00:50:30,847
Because of you two,

1107
00:50:30,882 --> 00:50:32,516
I just got the shit
kicked out of me

1108
00:50:32,551 --> 00:50:34,114
by three little girls.

1109
00:50:34,149 --> 00:50:35,981
Who cares?
We just got banned for life!

1110
00:50:36,016 --> 00:50:37,681
Yeah. Like Danny Banks.

1111
00:50:37,716 --> 00:50:40,317
How am I supposed to take
Melody to see<i> Bucklick</i> now?

1112
00:50:40,353 --> 00:50:42,483
Melody?
Melody, Melody, Melody!

1113
00:50:42,518 --> 00:50:44,055
Man, this is all her fault!

1114
00:50:44,090 --> 00:50:46,460
How? She's not even here!

1115
00:50:46,496 --> 00:50:49,394
'Cause ever since you asked her
to come to the movies with us,

1116
00:50:49,430 --> 00:50:51,492
we've been moving
everything around for her,

1117
00:50:51,527 --> 00:50:52,969
and now we're banned for life.

1118
00:50:53,005 --> 00:50:55,332
[scoffs] We're banned
because you picked a fight

1119
00:50:55,368 --> 00:50:56,796
- with a nine-year-old!
- Bullshit!

1120
00:50:56,832 --> 00:50:59,465
We would be
in that theater right now

1121
00:50:59,501 --> 00:51:01,205
watching<i> Bucklick,</i>

1122
00:51:01,240 --> 00:51:04,076
but you had to invite Melody!

1123
00:51:04,111 --> 00:51:05,981
Holy shit, what?
What the hell

1124
00:51:06,016 --> 00:51:08,348
is your obsession
with Melody Barnegat?

1125
00:51:08,383 --> 00:51:11,721
You're the one obsessed
with Melody Barnegat!

1126
00:51:11,756 --> 00:51:13,750
We just gotta deal with it.

1127
00:51:13,786 --> 00:51:16,927
- Deal with what?!
- That she's
a goddamn sophomore!

1128
00:51:16,962 --> 00:51:19,490
Who cares? Big whoop!
We're goddamn juniors!

1129
00:51:19,526 --> 00:51:22,088
But we're gonna be seniors
in September, Bri.

1130
00:51:22,124 --> 00:51:25,029
And then you'll be all like,
"Oh, Melody's a stupid junior.

1131
00:51:25,065 --> 00:51:28,598
- Doodly doodly doo!"
- No, no, no. Don't--
Don't "doodly doo" me, okay?

1132
00:51:28,633 --> 00:51:30,071
You're the one
that's trying to make out

1133
00:51:30,106 --> 00:51:31,768
with this little
Ewok-looking bitch!

1134
00:51:33,942 --> 00:51:35,007
What are you doing?

1135
00:51:35,043 --> 00:51:36,175
What the hell are you doing?

1136
00:51:36,211 --> 00:51:38,873
- We're gonna fight.
- Oh, yeah.

1137
00:51:38,908 --> 00:51:40,544
- We're gonna fight?
- Yeah, we're gonna fight!

1138
00:51:40,579 --> 00:51:43,916
I'm tired of you
making fun of Melody, okay?

1139
00:51:43,952 --> 00:51:45,688
So put up your dukes.

1140
00:51:45,724 --> 00:51:47,914
Put up my dukes. [laughs]

1141
00:51:47,950 --> 00:51:51,092
If I put up one of my dukes,
I will kill you.

1142
00:51:51,127 --> 00:51:53,456
Come on, guys.
Friends don't fight.

1143
00:51:53,492 --> 00:51:56,898
Friends?!
You call this friendship?

1144
00:51:56,933 --> 00:51:59,066
He cares about
his stupid truck

1145
00:51:59,102 --> 00:52:01,094
more than he cares
about my feelings!

1146
00:52:02,300 --> 00:52:04,669
So let's go. Let's go!

1147
00:52:05,908 --> 00:52:07,001
Fight me. I dare you.

1148
00:52:08,977 --> 00:52:11,442
I don't fight midgets.

1149
00:52:11,477 --> 00:52:13,209
- [punch lands]
- [onlookers shout]

1150
00:52:13,245 --> 00:52:15,044
[breathing shakily]

1151
00:52:15,080 --> 00:52:16,610
You do now.

1152
00:52:16,646 --> 00:52:19,382
- You stupid--
- [woman] Hey!

1153
00:52:19,417 --> 00:52:21,482
[Belly] Hey! Guys! Hey, hey!

1154
00:52:21,517 --> 00:52:23,817
Guys, stop it. Stop it!

1155
00:52:23,852 --> 00:52:26,088
- [grunting]
- Stop! Stop, stop it!

1156
00:52:26,123 --> 00:52:27,393
Stop it!

1157
00:52:27,428 --> 00:52:30,292
Burny is not obsessed
with Melody Barnegat.

1158
00:52:30,327 --> 00:52:31,558
Thank you, Bells.

1159
00:52:31,593 --> 00:52:32,765
He's threatened by her.

1160
00:52:32,800 --> 00:52:33,937
W-What?

1161
00:52:33,972 --> 00:52:35,300
Why the hell
would I be threatened

1162
00:52:35,336 --> 00:52:36,930
by that little
carpenter's dream?

1163
00:52:36,965 --> 00:52:38,940
She's as flat as a board
and as easy to nail.

1164
00:52:38,976 --> 00:52:41,736
- No, she's not!
- Knock it off.

1165
00:52:41,771 --> 00:52:43,836
Can't you see
Brian idolizes you?

1166
00:52:43,872 --> 00:52:46,109
Idolize Burn Boy?
Oh, I do not.

1167
00:52:46,145 --> 00:52:47,445
Oh, yes, you do.

1168
00:52:47,481 --> 00:52:49,116
You look up to him
because he's confident,

1169
00:52:49,152 --> 00:52:50,580
which is something
you can never be,

1170
00:52:50,615 --> 00:52:51,785
because you think
you're too short.

1171
00:52:51,821 --> 00:52:53,086
He is too short.

1172
00:52:53,121 --> 00:52:54,417
He should be looking at the sky,

1173
00:52:54,452 --> 00:52:56,788
saying "Da plane! Da plane!"

1174
00:52:57,491 --> 00:52:59,193
- Do something!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

1175
00:52:59,229 --> 00:53:00,687
Burny, you keep
running down his dream

1176
00:53:00,722 --> 00:53:02,194
about dating
Melody Barnegat,

1177
00:53:02,229 --> 00:53:03,362
all threatened by the girl,

1178
00:53:03,397 --> 00:53:04,960
just because Brian
is in love with her.

1179
00:53:04,996 --> 00:53:07,494
Whoa, I never said I was
in love with Melody Barnegat.

1180
00:53:07,529 --> 00:53:09,633
Uh, well, you are.

1181
00:53:09,669 --> 00:53:11,272
You've been talking about her
since last summer

1182
00:53:11,307 --> 00:53:13,142
'cause she makes you
feel good about yourself.

1183
00:53:13,178 --> 00:53:15,043
She makes you forget
that you think you're short.

1184
00:53:15,079 --> 00:53:16,639
He is short.
He's a four-foot freak.

1185
00:53:16,675 --> 00:53:19,313
- Oh, and you're
a control freak.
- Yeah!

1186
00:53:19,348 --> 00:53:21,281
So you're afraid Brian's
gonna start spending

1187
00:53:21,316 --> 00:53:23,548
all his time with Melody
instead of you.

1188
00:53:23,583 --> 00:53:25,317
Yeah, but you can't
admit that to yourself

1189
00:53:25,352 --> 00:53:26,880
because you think
being a man

1190
00:53:26,915 --> 00:53:28,687
means being tough
like Major Murder.

1191
00:53:29,985 --> 00:53:31,618
What's tougher
than fighting your friend

1192
00:53:31,653 --> 00:53:32,889
over the woman you love?

1193
00:53:34,826 --> 00:53:36,831
I know you guys think
I'm dumb or something,

1194
00:53:36,866 --> 00:53:38,730
but I am not dumb.

1195
00:53:38,765 --> 00:53:40,498
Okay, I just don't talk
as much as the two of you

1196
00:53:40,534 --> 00:53:42,195
since you guys
never shut the hell up!

1197
00:53:43,101 --> 00:53:44,304
Ah.

1198
00:53:44,339 --> 00:53:45,801
So that gives me
a lot of time to listen,

1199
00:53:45,837 --> 00:53:48,811
and... in all the years
I've been listening,

1200
00:53:48,847 --> 00:53:50,338
here's what I've learned.

1201
00:53:50,374 --> 00:53:52,007
You know movies.

1202
00:53:53,443 --> 00:53:54,980
You know women.

1203
00:53:55,015 --> 00:53:56,510
Yeah, I do.

1204
00:53:56,546 --> 00:53:58,417
But I know you guys

1205
00:53:58,453 --> 00:54:01,184
better than the two of you
know yourselves.

1206
00:54:01,219 --> 00:54:05,692
So it's time for you to stop
looking for Burny's approval
on everything.

1207
00:54:05,727 --> 00:54:08,391
It's time for you to start
letting Brian be his own man.

1208
00:54:08,426 --> 00:54:11,157
[scoffs] By all means.

1209
00:54:11,193 --> 00:54:13,563
And it's time both of you
assholes apologize to me

1210
00:54:13,599 --> 00:54:15,237
for making fun
of my mom's bacon

1211
00:54:15,273 --> 00:54:17,439
even though you ate
the shit out of it all day!

1212
00:54:19,370 --> 00:54:20,277
You're right.

1213
00:54:34,088 --> 00:54:36,084
Eh... [scoffs]

1214
00:54:42,899 --> 00:54:45,228
Come on. Burny.

1215
00:54:45,264 --> 00:54:46,528
You're adults!

1216
00:54:46,564 --> 00:54:48,162
Stop touching each other!

1217
00:54:50,942 --> 00:54:53,134
[mellow pop music playing]

1218
00:55:20,167 --> 00:55:22,163
[music continues]

1219
00:55:31,047 --> 00:55:32,679
[vehicle approaching]

1220
00:55:39,881 --> 00:55:42,117
[motorcycle engine stops]

1221
00:56:00,045 --> 00:56:02,635
Hey-- hey, excuse me?
Excuse me?

1222
00:56:02,670 --> 00:56:04,143
Oh, excuse me!

1223
00:56:04,179 --> 00:56:06,444
Holy shit, it is you!

1224
00:56:06,479 --> 00:56:08,011
You're-- you're Major Murder.

1225
00:56:08,746 --> 00:56:10,320
[in character]
At ease, ya sleaze.

1226
00:56:10,355 --> 00:56:11,845
I-I-- I'm your biggest fan.
I gotta be honest.

1227
00:56:11,880 --> 00:56:13,112
Um, I know all your fights.

1228
00:56:13,148 --> 00:56:15,720
That's a major thank you
from Major Murder.

1229
00:56:15,756 --> 00:56:18,153
But, uh, I'm here to see
someone really special.

1230
00:56:19,226 --> 00:56:21,321
[bird squawking]

1231
00:56:22,660 --> 00:56:24,663
Ahh. Is that your daughter?

1232
00:56:24,698 --> 00:56:26,965
[drops character]
My daughter? It's my wife.

1233
00:56:27,001 --> 00:56:30,730
[stammers] I'm sorry, she just
looks a lot younger than you...

1234
00:56:30,765 --> 00:56:32,208
That's depressing.

1235
00:56:32,244 --> 00:56:34,003
Do I really look
that much older than her?

1236
00:56:34,038 --> 00:56:36,202
- Uh...
- Just-- Must be
all the steroids,

1237
00:56:36,238 --> 00:56:38,647
'cause Rosie and I
went to high school together.

1238
00:56:38,683 --> 00:56:40,878
We started dating
when I was a junior
and she was a sophomore.

1239
00:56:40,914 --> 00:56:43,552
All my pals used to razz me
about her being younger.

1240
00:56:43,587 --> 00:56:46,990
Ha. I-I'm sure
you Major Murdered
those guys, huh?

1241
00:56:47,025 --> 00:56:48,886
Actually, I just cried a lot.

1242
00:56:48,922 --> 00:56:51,027
I may not look like it now,
but back in high school,

1243
00:56:51,062 --> 00:56:53,228
I was a very sensitive fat kid.

1244
00:56:53,264 --> 00:56:56,196
- Bullshit.
- No, no, real shit.

1245
00:56:56,232 --> 00:56:57,725
You know, my name's Albert,

1246
00:56:57,761 --> 00:56:59,332
so I'd get called Fat Albert

1247
00:56:59,368 --> 00:57:01,331
because of the cartoon?
[laughs]

1248
00:57:01,367 --> 00:57:02,896
Ah, Bill Cosby.

1249
00:57:02,931 --> 00:57:04,367
Now that's an American treasure.

1250
00:57:04,402 --> 00:57:06,075
[chuckles] Ah,

1251
00:57:06,111 --> 00:57:08,704
that man will always
be beloved.

1252
00:57:08,740 --> 00:57:10,104
So you know,
back in high school,

1253
00:57:10,139 --> 00:57:12,044
I was always very sensitive
about my weight.

1254
00:57:12,080 --> 00:57:14,414
But Rosie...

1255
00:57:14,450 --> 00:57:16,582
she always made me forget
I was fat.

1256
00:57:16,617 --> 00:57:18,716
She always made me
feel like I was thin.

1257
00:57:18,751 --> 00:57:20,751
So you made her
Mrs. Major Murder?

1258
00:57:20,786 --> 00:57:23,183
Well, actually,
Mrs. Albert Holstein.

1259
00:57:23,218 --> 00:57:25,690
Major Murder's real name
is Albert Holstein?

1260
00:57:25,726 --> 00:57:28,788
Yeah. Uh, and a Holstein
is a kind of cow?

1261
00:57:28,823 --> 00:57:30,224
So, uh, you know,

1262
00:57:30,259 --> 00:57:32,431
in high school, there was
a lot of, uh, cow names.

1263
00:57:32,466 --> 00:57:34,766
- Cow names?
- Yeah, like,

1264
00:57:34,801 --> 00:57:38,470
the Moo Man, you know,
Mr. Steak, Udder Buddy.

1265
00:57:38,505 --> 00:57:39,905
You know,
I'd get Hugh Heifer.

1266
00:57:41,111 --> 00:57:43,473
I'd get, uh, Pasture Ass.

1267
00:57:43,509 --> 00:57:45,539
I-I'd get Milky Tits.

1268
00:57:45,574 --> 00:57:47,415
Cow Pie.

1269
00:57:47,450 --> 00:57:50,448
Yeah, just a lot
of cow-themed cruelty.

1270
00:57:50,483 --> 00:57:51,917
[Burny smacks lips] Ah.

1271
00:57:57,528 --> 00:57:59,693
- Hey. Thanks for being a fan.
- [shakes hand]

1272
00:57:59,729 --> 00:58:02,191
And, uh, please don't tell
anybody how I really talk.

1273
00:58:03,530 --> 00:58:05,166
Uh, or about the cow names.

1274
00:58:05,201 --> 00:58:08,835
[military music plays]

1275
00:58:11,370 --> 00:58:12,465
Yo, Major.

1276
00:58:14,172 --> 00:58:17,346
You gonna go storm those cheeks
like it's Omaha Beach?

1277
00:58:17,381 --> 00:58:19,239
[in character]
If you have to ask,

1278
00:58:19,274 --> 00:58:22,046
then you ain't up
to the task, soldier!

1279
00:58:24,382 --> 00:58:27,416
♪♪

1280
00:58:27,452 --> 00:58:28,448
[chuckles]

1281
00:58:48,474 --> 00:58:49,711
[sighs deeply]

1282
00:58:54,876 --> 00:58:55,981
[lighter flicks]

1283
00:59:01,321 --> 00:59:02,515
[exhales]

1284
00:59:10,663 --> 00:59:12,397
What are you doing back here?

1285
00:59:12,433 --> 00:59:14,667
Your ass is banned.

1286
00:59:14,702 --> 00:59:16,738
Which means my life
is pretty much over.

1287
00:59:18,875 --> 00:59:21,204
So I'm just thinking about
hurling myself down the stairs.

1288
00:59:22,576 --> 00:59:24,273
Who are you, Father Karras?

1289
00:59:26,877 --> 00:59:28,816
Is that an<i> Exorcist</i> joke?

1290
00:59:28,852 --> 00:59:31,187
Well, it's not an<i> Exorcist II:</i>
<i> The Heretic</i> joke.

1291
00:59:31,222 --> 00:59:32,853
I respect John Boorman too much.

1292
00:59:34,555 --> 00:59:36,054
You know who John Boorman is?

1293
00:59:38,059 --> 00:59:43,061
<i> Anáil nathrach</i>
<i> orth bhais betha,</i>
<i> do cheol déanta.</i>

1294
00:59:44,759 --> 00:59:46,196
Holy shit.

1295
00:59:51,966 --> 00:59:53,203
The Charm of Making.

1296
00:59:54,541 --> 00:59:55,508
You've seen<i> Excalibur?</i>

1297
00:59:55,543 --> 00:59:58,039
You think I make
$3.05 an hour

1298
00:59:58,075 --> 00:59:59,940
because I can't get
a real job?

1299
00:59:59,976 --> 01:00:02,008
Movies are my life, dude.

1300
01:00:02,043 --> 01:00:03,550
That's why you work here.

1301
01:00:03,586 --> 01:00:05,717
No. That's why
I'm leaving here.

1302
01:00:05,752 --> 01:00:07,551
I'm moving to Providence
next week.

1303
01:00:07,587 --> 01:00:08,922
What's in Providence?

1304
01:00:09,792 --> 01:00:12,260
I'm gonna the Rhode Island
School of Design,

1305
01:00:12,295 --> 01:00:13,724
like Martha Coolidge.

1306
01:00:13,759 --> 01:00:16,355
Martha Coolidge, the director?

1307
01:00:16,391 --> 01:00:18,696
Yeah. You know
who Martha Coolidge is?

1308
01:00:18,731 --> 01:00:20,698
Yeah. Movies are my life too.

1309
01:00:20,733 --> 01:00:22,271
<i>Valley Girl</i> is in my top ten.

1310
01:00:22,307 --> 01:00:24,098
That guy, Nic Cage,
is a genius.

1311
01:00:24,134 --> 01:00:25,574
- Yeah.
- Have you seen<i> Birdy?</i>

1312
01:00:25,610 --> 01:00:27,803
Oh, yeah, I've seen
every Alan Parker film.

1313
01:00:27,839 --> 01:00:29,610
You know who Alan Parker is?

1314
01:00:29,646 --> 01:00:33,373
Duh.<i> Fame</i> and<i> The Wall</i>
are so rad.

1315
01:00:33,408 --> 01:00:36,418
But Martha Coolidge, man,
she's my idol.

1316
01:00:36,454 --> 01:00:38,210
I wanna be a director
like her.

1317
01:00:38,245 --> 01:00:39,953
This is--
This is so cool, uh,

1318
01:00:39,989 --> 01:00:42,450
I've never met anyone
who wanted to be
a director before.

1319
01:00:43,424 --> 01:00:44,952
Sure you have.

1320
01:00:44,987 --> 01:00:46,256
Just look in the mirror.

1321
01:00:48,966 --> 01:00:49,864
Me?

1322
01:00:50,629 --> 01:00:52,831
A-a director? Nah.

1323
01:00:52,866 --> 01:00:54,667
I just-- I just love
going to the movies.

1324
01:00:54,703 --> 01:00:56,772
Yeah, man,
that's how it starts.

1325
01:00:58,600 --> 01:01:00,802
Most people come to movies
to escape their lives,

1326
01:01:00,838 --> 01:01:02,942
but people like us,

1327
01:01:02,978 --> 01:01:06,639
we come here because
movies make life make sense.

1328
01:01:07,881 --> 01:01:10,843
Out here, man,
world's full of lies.

1329
01:01:11,713 --> 01:01:15,450
But in there, they tell
the lie that tells the truth.

1330
01:01:15,485 --> 01:01:18,057
And the truth about you and me
is we're filmmakers.

1331
01:01:20,122 --> 01:01:21,920
We just haven't made
our films.

1332
01:01:21,956 --> 01:01:23,426
[exhales]

1333
01:01:23,462 --> 01:01:24,496
Yet.

1334
01:01:24,531 --> 01:01:26,560
[soft music plays]

1335
01:01:33,044 --> 01:01:34,702
[door locks]

1336
01:01:34,737 --> 01:01:35,745
"Yet."

1337
01:01:40,075 --> 01:01:43,082
[bright music playing]

1338
01:01:55,263 --> 01:01:56,397
Whoa.

1339
01:01:56,432 --> 01:02:02,365
[saxophone solo plays]

1340
01:02:03,934 --> 01:02:05,368
That girl's real, right?

1341
01:02:07,506 --> 01:02:08,569
Thanks.

1342
01:02:13,910 --> 01:02:15,975
Hi, Melody Barnegat.

1343
01:02:16,011 --> 01:02:17,886
Hi, Brian David.

1344
01:02:19,013 --> 01:02:20,550
You look...

1345
01:02:20,586 --> 01:02:22,184
resplendent.

1346
01:02:22,219 --> 01:02:25,586
"Resplendent"?
Okay, Doctor Dictionary.

1347
01:02:27,190 --> 01:02:28,897
- Let's go see<i> Bucklick.</i>
- Uh...

1348
01:02:29,862 --> 01:02:32,026
I-I don't think we can get in.

1349
01:02:32,061 --> 01:02:33,297
Because it's rated R?

1350
01:02:34,868 --> 01:02:36,971
Well, more because
I got banned.

1351
01:02:38,102 --> 01:02:40,810
Oh, my God.
Like Danny Banks?

1352
01:02:42,244 --> 01:02:43,370
Kinda.

1353
01:02:43,405 --> 01:02:45,078
So, how are we
gonna see<i> Bucklick?</i>

1354
01:02:50,386 --> 01:02:51,579
I have an idea.

1355
01:02:59,230 --> 01:03:00,291
[door closes]

1356
01:03:02,092 --> 01:03:04,658
Huh. Strathmore Cinema City.

1357
01:03:05,599 --> 01:03:06,968
Give me a second.

1358
01:03:07,797 --> 01:03:08,805
Okay.

1359
01:03:12,838 --> 01:03:15,242
Excuse me, Manager Mike.

1360
01:03:15,277 --> 01:03:17,105
Oh, oh.

1361
01:03:17,140 --> 01:03:19,481
Little kid I just banned. Hi.

1362
01:03:19,516 --> 01:03:21,644
I wanted to ask you about that.

1363
01:03:21,679 --> 01:03:22,982
Mm-hmm?

1364
01:03:23,017 --> 01:03:26,317
I know me and my friends
were obnoxious today.

1365
01:03:27,988 --> 01:03:31,158
But I stand here before you
as a man...

1366
01:03:31,193 --> 01:03:32,758
Wow.

1367
01:03:32,793 --> 01:03:34,088
...to beg you to lift the ban.

1368
01:03:34,123 --> 01:03:35,623
And why would I do that?

1369
01:03:36,630 --> 01:03:38,260
You see that girl?

1370
01:03:38,295 --> 01:03:40,265
- Yeah.
- That's Melody Barnegat.

1371
01:03:42,033 --> 01:03:43,972
The raddest woman I ever met.

1372
01:03:45,469 --> 01:03:48,909
And last summer,
I was too scared to ask her out.

1373
01:03:48,944 --> 01:03:52,275
But this morning,
I invited her to the movies

1374
01:03:52,310 --> 01:03:55,250
at your theater, and...
and she said "yes."

1375
01:03:55,286 --> 01:03:56,347
Congratulations.

1376
01:03:57,854 --> 01:03:59,647
This could be
the greatest night of my life.

1377
01:04:01,383 --> 01:04:03,152
Please lift the ban
this one time

1378
01:04:03,188 --> 01:04:04,817
so we can go to the movies.
I mean,

1379
01:04:04,852 --> 01:04:07,797
it'd mean everything to me,
and-and I'll do anything.

1380
01:04:07,832 --> 01:04:10,163
I'll-I'll even work here
for free or-or something.

1381
01:04:11,565 --> 01:04:14,002
Please, sir.

1382
01:04:15,405 --> 01:04:16,565
What do you say?

1383
01:04:19,641 --> 01:04:21,435
Tsk. What do I say?

1384
01:04:21,470 --> 01:04:24,539
Well, when you put it
like that...

1385
01:04:24,574 --> 01:04:27,307
I say, Munchkins
from the merry old land of Oz

1386
01:04:27,342 --> 01:04:29,143
belong on the movie screen,

1387
01:04:29,178 --> 01:04:31,712
not in my movie theater.

1388
01:04:34,257 --> 01:04:37,592
[laughs]

1389
01:04:37,627 --> 01:04:41,029
Hey. Hey, listen up, loser.

1390
01:04:41,065 --> 01:04:44,161
You know, you got a lot of balls
calling this guy Munchkin

1391
01:04:44,196 --> 01:04:46,061
when you're short
as shit yourself.

1392
01:04:46,096 --> 01:04:48,160
[onlookers gasp, laugh]

1393
01:04:48,196 --> 01:04:50,599
Wow. Tsk. Wow.

1394
01:04:52,169 --> 01:04:54,240
You remind me of my daughter.

1395
01:04:55,611 --> 01:04:58,876
I hate my daughter.

1396
01:04:58,912 --> 01:05:01,574
And you got a lot of nerve

1397
01:05:01,609 --> 01:05:04,182
talking to me like that,
Minnie Mouse.

1398
01:05:04,218 --> 01:05:07,379
I'm in the movie business.
I talk to studios.

1399
01:05:07,415 --> 01:05:10,651
So, you're just a little kid

1400
01:05:10,686 --> 01:05:14,396
who looks like a daughter
that I can't stand.

1401
01:05:14,431 --> 01:05:15,888
So what do you know?

1402
01:05:17,034 --> 01:05:20,861
I know you don't know shit
about the movie business.

1403
01:05:20,896 --> 01:05:23,005
Because if you did,
you wouldn't act
like such a poser

1404
01:05:23,041 --> 01:05:25,634
and drive around
in your stupid-looking
Moviemobile.

1405
01:05:26,270 --> 01:05:29,003
- Okay?
- He's not a Munchkin.

1406
01:05:29,039 --> 01:05:30,906
He's a nice guy.

1407
01:05:30,942 --> 01:05:33,877
Something you don't
understand at all
because you are an asshole.

1408
01:05:33,913 --> 01:05:36,909
[laughter, applause]

1409
01:05:40,749 --> 01:05:42,757
Well, let me tell you
something, little girl.

1410
01:05:42,793 --> 01:05:46,121
Now you're banned,
for life too!

1411
01:05:46,157 --> 01:05:48,789
You and Bilbo Baggins here

1412
01:05:48,824 --> 01:05:51,968
are never getting inside
my movie theater ever again.

1413
01:05:52,003 --> 01:05:55,730
- [patrons jeering]
- Clap to that! Clap to that.

1414
01:05:57,266 --> 01:05:59,668
[outside horn honking]

1415
01:06:01,842 --> 01:06:06,147
[horn honking louder]

1416
01:06:10,353 --> 01:06:11,515
[yells]

1417
01:06:15,360 --> 01:06:16,725
Ahh! Oh, my God!

1418
01:06:16,760 --> 01:06:18,759
- [steam hissing]
- Oh, my...!

1419
01:06:18,794 --> 01:06:22,890
Ahh! [yells] My Moviemobile!

1420
01:06:22,926 --> 01:06:24,264
No!

1421
01:06:25,260 --> 01:06:26,733
[yells louder] No!

1422
01:06:26,768 --> 01:06:27,933
- You okay?
- Yeah.

1423
01:06:27,968 --> 01:06:29,567
- [Mike yelling]
- Get inside.

1424
01:06:29,602 --> 01:06:31,566
But Burny just crashed
his Truckster
into the Moviemobile!

1425
01:06:31,602 --> 01:06:34,409
As a distraction
so you guys can get inside.

1426
01:06:34,445 --> 01:06:36,342
So get inside.

1427
01:06:43,821 --> 01:06:47,221
Oh, this stupid car
hit my truck!

1428
01:06:49,388 --> 01:06:52,820
I only had eight more
payments on it!

1429
01:06:54,629 --> 01:06:55,988
Only eight!

1430
01:06:57,291 --> 01:06:59,332
Oh, my God!

1431
01:07:01,162 --> 01:07:04,599
Hey, Pat Benatar.
This is a rated R movie.
Can't come in here.

1432
01:07:04,634 --> 01:07:06,369
Some guy just crashed
into the Moviemobile.

1433
01:07:06,405 --> 01:07:09,675
No way, really?!
Ha ha! There is a God!

1434
01:07:09,711 --> 01:07:11,174
[both giggling]

1435
01:07:11,209 --> 01:07:14,209
Come here, yeah. [muttering]

1436
01:07:14,244 --> 01:07:17,011
Here! Sorry. Excuse me.

1437
01:07:17,047 --> 01:07:18,054
Excuse me.

1438
01:07:20,654 --> 01:07:22,188
Holy shit.

1439
01:07:22,223 --> 01:07:25,818
That was the most amazing
thing I ever saw.

1440
01:07:25,853 --> 01:07:28,621
You totally tore
that asshole a new asshole.

1441
01:07:28,657 --> 01:07:31,859
He deserves it.
I hate bullies.

1442
01:07:34,167 --> 01:07:36,567
You're amazing.
Melody Barnegat.

1443
01:07:41,775 --> 01:07:42,903
Took all day.

1444
01:07:43,844 --> 01:07:45,037
But here we are.

1445
01:07:49,953 --> 01:07:52,885
We're finally gonna see
our 4:30 movie,

1446
01:07:52,921 --> 01:07:54,653
and nobody's gonna stop us.

1447
01:07:54,689 --> 01:07:55,916
Is that so?

1448
01:07:57,459 --> 01:07:58,828
Mom?

1449
01:07:58,863 --> 01:08:00,261
What the hell
are you doing here?

1450
01:08:01,293 --> 01:08:02,822
We're here to see<i> Astro Blaster.</i>

1451
01:08:02,858 --> 01:08:04,594
You're so full of shit,
your eyes are brown.

1452
01:08:04,629 --> 01:08:07,527
This isn't<i> Astro Blaster.</i>
This is<i> Bucklick,</i>

1453
01:08:07,562 --> 01:08:09,399
and<i> Bucklick</i> is rated R.

1454
01:08:09,435 --> 01:08:12,201
Ooh, what are you
doing here, Melody?

1455
01:08:12,236 --> 01:08:13,436
<i> Bucklick</i> is rated R.

1456
01:08:13,471 --> 01:08:15,034
She said she's gonna
see<i> Astro Blaster,</i>

1457
01:08:15,069 --> 01:08:17,840
but she's sneaking
into R- rated movies
with this guy.

1458
01:08:17,875 --> 01:08:20,911
Oh, so much drama.
We're supposed
to be seeing a comedy.

1459
01:08:20,947 --> 01:08:23,579
- [stammers]
- See, this is why I told you
we should have gone home

1460
01:08:23,614 --> 01:08:25,418
when<i> Poltergeist 2</i>
wasn't playing, but...

1461
01:08:27,491 --> 01:08:28,553
Wait a minute.

1462
01:08:29,588 --> 01:08:32,586
You came to see<i> Poltergeist 2</i>
with Aunt Connie?

1463
01:08:32,621 --> 01:08:34,623
You said you had
to see it with me.

1464
01:08:34,658 --> 01:08:36,393
Okay, don't-don't turn
this around, okay?

1465
01:08:36,429 --> 01:08:37,826
You're the one
in trouble here, missy.

1466
01:08:39,298 --> 01:08:42,296
I will deal you after<i> Bucklick.</i>

1467
01:08:42,331 --> 01:08:44,738
Get the hell out of here
before I call the manager
and have you banned.

1468
01:08:44,773 --> 01:08:47,270
This is so unfair.

1469
01:08:47,305 --> 01:08:49,238
[sighs] Can you believe this?

1470
01:08:49,273 --> 01:08:51,103
I mean, it's kind of cute.

1471
01:08:52,479 --> 01:08:54,710
- Your mom looks pretty pissed.
- She's pissed?

1472
01:08:54,746 --> 01:08:56,582
Well, I'm pissed too.
Who does she think she is,

1473
01:08:56,618 --> 01:08:59,387
yelling at me in front of you
and everybody in the theater?

1474
01:08:59,422 --> 01:09:01,890
She's the one trying to see
<i> Poltergeist 2</i> without me.

1475
01:09:01,926 --> 01:09:03,289
- [inhales]
- What do you wanna do?

1476
01:09:03,325 --> 01:09:06,595
Have sex and get pregnant.
That'll show her.

1477
01:09:06,630 --> 01:09:09,159
- If that's what you need...
- I wouldn't give her
the satisfaction.

1478
01:09:09,194 --> 01:09:10,929
Yeah. Wait, are you sure?

1479
01:09:10,965 --> 01:09:12,933
[exhales] Let's go.

1480
01:09:12,968 --> 01:09:16,132
She treats me like I'm a baby.

1481
01:09:16,167 --> 01:09:17,965
I can't stand it.

1482
01:09:18,001 --> 01:09:20,907
Shouldn't we get you home
so you don't get in trouble?

1483
01:09:20,943 --> 01:09:22,369
No, I'm already in trouble.

1484
01:09:23,306 --> 01:09:26,710
And the minute I get home,
I'm gonna be grounded
for the rest of my life.

1485
01:09:28,111 --> 01:09:29,108
[sighs]

1486
01:09:33,318 --> 01:09:35,147
So I might as well enjoy today.

1487
01:09:37,495 --> 01:09:38,557
Race you!

1488
01:09:39,489 --> 01:09:40,856
- [chuckles]
- What? What?

1489
01:09:47,967 --> 01:09:50,239
[panting]

1490
01:09:51,141 --> 01:09:53,132
[Melody]
Doesn't it feel great to run?

1491
01:09:55,407 --> 01:09:57,870
Says someone
on cross country.

1492
01:09:57,905 --> 01:10:00,675
I think I'm having
a heart attack.

1493
01:10:00,710 --> 01:10:03,219
[laughs] Raise your arms
above your head.

1494
01:10:06,688 --> 01:10:07,685
Yeah.

1495
01:10:13,223 --> 01:10:16,430
You ever think about
what you wanna be
when you grow up, Brian David?

1496
01:10:18,327 --> 01:10:19,367
Sometimes.

1497
01:10:20,694 --> 01:10:22,667
What do you wanna be?

1498
01:10:24,499 --> 01:10:25,934
I wanna be a dean.

1499
01:10:27,504 --> 01:10:29,707
Like a dean at a college?

1500
01:10:31,081 --> 01:10:33,013
You wanna be the guy
that's always giving

1501
01:10:33,048 --> 01:10:35,010
<i> Animal House</i> a hard time?

1502
01:10:35,045 --> 01:10:36,109
No.

1503
01:10:37,384 --> 01:10:39,150
I wanna be the girl
that's always giving

1504
01:10:39,185 --> 01:10:40,718
<i>Animal House</i> a hard time.

1505
01:10:43,556 --> 01:10:46,594
I never knew anybody
who wanted to be a dean.

1506
01:10:46,630 --> 01:10:47,692
That's so...

1507
01:10:49,192 --> 01:10:50,090
weird.

1508
01:10:52,033 --> 01:10:54,068
So what do you wanna do?

1509
01:10:54,103 --> 01:10:55,931
- Well...
- And don't say me.

1510
01:11:01,977 --> 01:11:03,235
I wanna be a writer.

1511
01:11:04,308 --> 01:11:05,405
Well, I think.

1512
01:11:05,441 --> 01:11:07,041
I can see that.

1513
01:11:10,053 --> 01:11:11,677
I love to read
the stuff you wrote

1514
01:11:11,713 --> 01:11:13,215
in my yearbook last summer.

1515
01:11:13,251 --> 01:11:14,518
[Brian chuckles]

1516
01:11:14,553 --> 01:11:16,352
- What?
- You started out making fun

1517
01:11:16,388 --> 01:11:17,887
of what everybody else said.

1518
01:11:18,794 --> 01:11:20,457
You wrote...

1519
01:11:20,493 --> 01:11:22,427
- "Have a great summer."
- [chuckles]

1520
01:11:22,463 --> 01:11:25,961
"See you over the summer.
Summerly yours."

1521
01:11:26,929 --> 01:11:29,705
- And then I signed it "Summer."
- [both laugh]

1522
01:11:29,740 --> 01:11:31,164
I was hysterical.

1523
01:11:34,572 --> 01:11:37,275
But then you filled
a whole page

1524
01:11:37,310 --> 01:11:40,008
telling me how adorable I am.

1525
01:11:42,184 --> 01:11:44,782
And how I'm super nice
and smart.

1526
01:11:48,517 --> 01:11:49,787
My mom read it.

1527
01:11:51,489 --> 01:11:53,087
And she said it was beautiful.

1528
01:11:56,025 --> 01:12:00,127
So, yeah, you're totally
gonna be a writer someday.

1529
01:12:02,297 --> 01:12:03,196
Man.

1530
01:12:05,270 --> 01:12:06,732
I-- How do you--

1531
01:12:06,768 --> 01:12:08,102
You're always so positive.

1532
01:12:09,112 --> 01:12:10,940
Not as much
as I'm not negative.

1533
01:12:12,345 --> 01:12:14,741
Does anything make you sad?

1534
01:12:14,776 --> 01:12:17,111
Like, what about nuclear war?

1535
01:12:18,486 --> 01:12:20,922
If the Russians dropped
the bomb on us today,

1536
01:12:20,957 --> 01:12:22,358
my mom can't ground me.

1537
01:12:24,291 --> 01:12:27,327
See, you do that. You're--

1538
01:12:27,362 --> 01:12:28,826
You're all about
the silver lining.

1539
01:12:30,128 --> 01:12:31,991
Like...

1540
01:12:32,026 --> 01:12:33,864
everything went wrong
for me today.

1541
01:12:34,966 --> 01:12:38,704
But then you came along
and made it all better.

1542
01:12:40,043 --> 01:12:42,309
If everything went right today,

1543
01:12:42,344 --> 01:12:44,336
you and me
would be watching<i> Bucklick.</i>

1544
01:12:46,411 --> 01:12:48,417
But this is way better.

1545
01:12:50,217 --> 01:12:51,849
Or is it almost perfect?

1546
01:12:53,888 --> 01:12:54,819
Yeah?

1547
01:12:56,253 --> 01:12:57,250
Yeah.

1548
01:13:05,163 --> 01:13:06,193
Then...

1549
01:13:09,371 --> 01:13:12,798
Will you go out with me,
Melody Barnegat?

1550
01:13:12,833 --> 01:13:15,334
We are out, Brian David.

1551
01:13:16,277 --> 01:13:17,880
I mean, as boyfriend-girlfriend.

1552
01:13:17,915 --> 01:13:19,712
I know what you meant.

1553
01:13:24,184 --> 01:13:25,454
But I don't know.

1554
01:13:31,456 --> 01:13:32,692
Is it 'cause I'm short?

1555
01:13:33,554 --> 01:13:35,360
Jesus.

1556
01:13:35,395 --> 01:13:37,824
Would you stop with that shit?

1557
01:13:37,859 --> 01:13:40,530
I don't think of you as short.

1558
01:13:40,565 --> 01:13:42,130
Then what do you think of me as?

1559
01:13:44,072 --> 01:13:45,639
I think of you as...

1560
01:13:48,344 --> 01:13:50,776
the most interesting guy
I ever met.

1561
01:13:53,975 --> 01:13:55,814
All this stuff
you talk about.

1562
01:13:57,747 --> 01:13:59,620
The way you see the world.

1563
01:14:00,783 --> 01:14:02,590
What you wrote in my yearbook.

1564
01:14:06,590 --> 01:14:07,925
You always make me think.

1565
01:14:09,898 --> 01:14:11,126
And laugh.

1566
01:14:12,534 --> 01:14:15,231
And you're like
the funniest person I know.

1567
01:14:15,266 --> 01:14:16,263
Yeah?

1568
01:14:20,001 --> 01:14:21,807
The only place
you come up short...

1569
01:14:23,005 --> 01:14:25,338
is in how little you know
about girls.

1570
01:14:26,812 --> 01:14:29,149
Because I was gonna let you
get to second base

1571
01:14:29,184 --> 01:14:30,948
in my pool last summer...

1572
01:14:32,113 --> 01:14:34,149
and then I never heard
from you again.

1573
01:14:35,650 --> 01:14:36,952
Until today.

1574
01:14:36,987 --> 01:14:38,619
Yeah, but I-I've been
thinking about you

1575
01:14:38,654 --> 01:14:39,922
ever since that day.

1576
01:14:39,957 --> 01:14:42,454
You're so full of shit,
your eyes are brown.

1577
01:14:44,297 --> 01:14:48,537
You really expect me to believe
you thought about me
for an entire year?

1578
01:14:49,531 --> 01:14:51,100
Or ever?

1579
01:14:56,039 --> 01:14:58,008
Oh, my God.
Are you, like, pulling it out?

1580
01:15:02,646 --> 01:15:03,981
Is that a tape recorder?

1581
01:15:05,022 --> 01:15:07,116
It's a writing thing.

1582
01:15:08,051 --> 01:15:10,425
I read that real writers
use a tape recorder

1583
01:15:10,460 --> 01:15:12,726
to help them organize
important thoughts.

1584
01:15:14,461 --> 01:15:15,993
Important thoughts like this.

1585
01:15:17,334 --> 01:15:19,258
- [clicks]
-<i> Beatbox Bri, take one!</i>

1586
01:15:19,293 --> 01:15:21,127
- Um... Shit, uh...
- [beatboxing on tape]

1587
01:15:21,162 --> 01:15:23,135
- Hold on, um.
- [tape fast-forwards]

1588
01:15:23,171 --> 01:15:24,199
I meant this.

1589
01:15:26,742 --> 01:15:29,269
[Brian on tape]<i> I finally</i>
<i> called Melody Barnegat</i>

1590
01:15:29,304 --> 01:15:32,042
<i> and invited her out</i>
<i> to the movies. Why...</i>

1591
01:15:33,214 --> 01:15:34,583
<i> you ask?</i> [sighs]

1592
01:15:35,248 --> 01:15:36,310
<i> One word.</i>

1593
01:15:37,678 --> 01:15:38,686
<i> Love.</i>

1594
01:15:40,752 --> 01:15:42,857
<i> I got a 24-karat case of love.</i>

1595
01:15:42,892 --> 01:15:43,823
[clicks]

1596
01:15:50,192 --> 01:15:52,667
You're, like,
the coolest girl I ever met.

1597
01:15:55,704 --> 01:15:59,498
And all I wanna do
is watch movies with you.

1598
01:16:04,007 --> 01:16:06,538
I wanna watch movies
with you too.

1599
01:16:10,745 --> 01:16:13,380
[both laugh]

1600
01:16:19,459 --> 01:16:22,455
[pop music playing]

1601
01:16:36,141 --> 01:16:39,571
So does this... mean
we're boyfriend-girlfriend now?

1602
01:16:42,413 --> 01:16:44,753
I hope so.

1603
01:16:44,788 --> 01:16:47,752
[Brian] Because if I was ever
gonna make a movie about today,

1604
01:16:47,788 --> 01:16:49,625
that's how I'd want
the movie to end.

1605
01:16:50,760 --> 01:16:54,058
[Melody] Yeah? You think today
could ever be a movie?

1606
01:16:55,257 --> 01:16:56,789
[Brian] As long
as there are end credits,

1607
01:16:56,824 --> 01:16:58,398
and a song,

1608
01:16:58,433 --> 01:17:00,064
today could totally be a movie.

1609
01:17:03,234 --> 01:17:06,840
["24 Karat Case of Love"
by Brendan McCreary playing]

1610
01:17:10,305 --> 01:17:12,307
[Brian and Melody
chattering, laughing]

1611
01:17:46,973 --> 01:17:48,277
[song ends]

1612
01:17:49,282 --> 01:17:50,510
Yes or no?

1613
01:17:51,518 --> 01:17:53,654
- I say yes.
- Why?

1614
01:17:53,689 --> 01:17:55,851
Because I can tell
you really wanna do it.

1615
01:17:55,886 --> 01:17:57,258
But what if I'm not good at it?

1616
01:17:57,293 --> 01:17:58,753
Then I can teach you.

1617
01:17:58,788 --> 01:18:00,124
I have experience.

1618
01:18:01,022 --> 01:18:03,432
And I'm like... a virgin.

1619
01:18:03,467 --> 01:18:04,792
- [boys laughing]
- [Burny] Yeah!

1620
01:18:04,827 --> 01:18:06,199
You got that right.

1621
01:18:06,234 --> 01:18:07,598
Are we live?

1622
01:18:07,633 --> 01:18:09,766
[Burny and Belly] Yeah!

1623
01:18:09,801 --> 01:18:11,968
- Miss Melody.
- Sir Burny.

1624
01:18:12,003 --> 01:18:15,135
- So, did he go in yet?
- [Burny] Hmm?

1625
01:18:15,171 --> 01:18:18,103
- He's hesitating.
- [boys sigh]

1626
01:18:18,138 --> 01:18:19,880
You got this. You just--

1627
01:18:19,915 --> 01:18:22,982
- You get in there
and you do it.
- We'll watch.

1628
01:18:23,018 --> 01:18:25,685
Well, I definitely can't do it
with everybody watching me.

1629
01:18:25,720 --> 01:18:28,989
Yes, you can.
You're full of BDE.

1630
01:18:29,024 --> 01:18:29,923
Hmm?

1631
01:18:31,657 --> 01:18:33,291
Brian David Energy.

1632
01:18:33,327 --> 01:18:34,558
[laughter]

1633
01:18:34,594 --> 01:18:36,788
[Burny] That's cute.

1634
01:18:36,823 --> 01:18:39,330
Come on, Bri, bubby.
The sooner you get this
over with,

1635
01:18:39,366 --> 01:18:41,536
the sooner we get
to go to the diner
where I have a pork roll,

1636
01:18:41,572 --> 01:18:43,362
egg and cheese
with my name on it. Mm?

1637
01:18:43,398 --> 01:18:45,568
They can write "asshole"
on a kaiser roll?

1638
01:18:45,604 --> 01:18:47,135
[Burny chuckles]

1639
01:18:47,171 --> 01:18:49,501
See, you're funny,
but you're lucky, right?

1640
01:18:49,537 --> 01:18:51,709
You're lucky that I have
as much respect as I do

1641
01:18:51,744 --> 01:18:53,640
for the lovely Miss Melody here.

1642
01:18:53,675 --> 01:18:56,683
Otherwise, I-I just might have
to put the Grip of Death on you.

1643
01:18:56,718 --> 01:18:58,343
- Oh, yeah! Are we wrestling?
- No!

1644
01:18:58,379 --> 01:18:59,987
- No. No, we're not.
- We're not.

1645
01:19:00,022 --> 01:19:01,389
- No, we're not. We're not.
- Nobody's wrestling, all right?

1646
01:19:01,425 --> 01:19:03,451
Take it to DEFCON 5,<i> WarGames.</i>

1647
01:19:05,361 --> 01:19:06,861
You ready to do this?

1648
01:19:09,132 --> 01:19:10,561
I'm nervous.

1649
01:19:10,597 --> 01:19:11,863
[Burny] Jesus, Bri,

1650
01:19:11,899 --> 01:19:14,393
we're not talking
about circumcision here.

1651
01:19:14,429 --> 01:19:16,936
You're just applying
for a shitty job.

1652
01:19:16,972 --> 01:19:19,099
You go in there, you fill out
the bullshit form,

1653
01:19:19,134 --> 01:19:21,601
you come out, we go eat. Right?

1654
01:19:24,908 --> 01:19:26,713
What do you think, babe?

1655
01:19:26,748 --> 01:19:28,740
Yeah, come on, babe.
What do you think?

1656
01:19:28,775 --> 01:19:31,710
- Yeah. babe.
- Mmm. Yeah, babe.
What's up, babe?

1657
01:19:32,550 --> 01:19:33,822
Uh...

1658
01:19:39,327 --> 01:19:40,518
It can wait.

1659
01:19:40,553 --> 01:19:44,096
["24 Karat Case of Love"
resumes playing]

1660
01:22:43,171 --> 01:22:46,806
[saxophone solo]

1661
01:24:23,844 --> 01:24:30,250
[singer vocalizing]

1662
01:24:33,918 --> 01:24:35,552
[song fades]

1663
01:24:37,891 --> 01:24:40,887
[soft music playing]

1664
01:25:13,959 --> 01:25:15,163
[music fades]

1665
01:25:18,459 --> 01:25:20,933
[military music playing]

1666
01:25:20,968 --> 01:25:23,968
Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas

1667
01:25:24,004 --> 01:25:25,970
where the movies come to--

1668
01:25:26,005 --> 01:25:27,775
[laughing] I'm sorry!

1669
01:25:27,810 --> 01:25:29,476
- Want some?
- I'm okay.

1670
01:25:29,511 --> 01:25:30,468
[laughs]

1671
01:25:30,504 --> 01:25:31,779
[lighter lid closes]

1672
01:25:31,814 --> 01:25:33,280
[crew] Resetting. We're rolling.

1673
01:25:35,484 --> 01:25:38,109
- [grunts]
- [imitating Brian]
"Pork chops and applesauce."

1674
01:25:39,081 --> 01:25:40,078
God.

1675
01:25:41,452 --> 01:25:45,083
- [laughter]
- [crew indistinct]

1676
01:25:46,191 --> 01:25:48,563
- [laughs] Ow.
- Oh, sorry.

1677
01:25:48,598 --> 01:25:49,761
- No!
- Ah!

1678
01:25:49,796 --> 01:25:50,827
[both yell]

1679
01:25:50,862 --> 01:25:52,266
[laughs]

1680
01:25:53,868 --> 01:25:55,126
Please suck it still.

1681
01:25:55,872 --> 01:25:58,830
You're pulling your pud
in public?

1682
01:25:58,866 --> 01:26:01,103
- Can I try that one more time?
- [laughs]

1683
01:26:01,138 --> 01:26:04,075
It's Major Murder!

1684
01:26:04,111 --> 01:26:05,745
- [engine sputters]
- Whoa!

1685
01:26:05,780 --> 01:26:07,811
Is this thing on?!

1686
01:26:07,846 --> 01:26:11,142
'Cause I got something to say
to all the sissy civilians
out there.

1687
01:26:13,188 --> 01:26:15,146
[blows air with a squeak]
Sorry. So sorry.

1688
01:26:15,181 --> 01:26:17,582
- [laughter]
- And-and what would
that be, Major?

1689
01:26:17,617 --> 01:26:18,823
[Major Murder] I forgot!

1690
01:26:18,858 --> 01:26:20,358
Yes, Virginia,

1691
01:26:20,393 --> 01:26:23,191
you'd be better off
believing in Santa Claus

1692
01:26:23,227 --> 01:26:24,522
than that slam tam...

1693
01:26:24,557 --> 01:26:26,162
[speaks gibberish]

1694
01:26:26,198 --> 01:26:30,037
Because Shamwell is a sham!

1695
01:26:30,072 --> 01:26:31,830
- [huffs air]
- [snort of laughter]

1696
01:26:31,866 --> 01:26:33,599
A man of few words
but powerful words.

1697
01:26:33,634 --> 01:26:34,807
[Major Murder] That's enough.

1698
01:26:34,842 --> 01:26:36,904
Have fun. Don't run.

1699
01:26:38,174 --> 01:26:39,379
She's my ex.

1700
01:26:41,147 --> 01:26:43,609
Two hundred "Our Father's"!

1701
01:26:43,644 --> 01:26:46,114
A Morton's jelly donut. [scoffs]

1702
01:26:46,149 --> 01:26:48,219
Jesus Christ!

1703
01:26:48,255 --> 01:26:50,281
You like this?
This is real too.

1704
01:26:50,316 --> 01:26:53,617
I got this from the President
of the United States of--

1705
01:26:53,653 --> 01:26:54,959
Look at these nuts.

1706
01:26:54,994 --> 01:26:56,831
Damn it, man! Why?

1707
01:26:56,866 --> 01:26:58,191
[Astro Blaster] Back on Earth...

1708
01:26:58,227 --> 01:27:00,330
[laughter]

1709
01:27:00,366 --> 01:27:02,795
One more time.
Damn it, man! Why?

1710
01:27:02,830 --> 01:27:05,631
- Did you... get it in yet?
- Hmm?

1711
01:27:05,667 --> 01:27:07,073
[Melody] Mm-mm.
He's hesitating.

1712
01:27:07,108 --> 01:27:08,536
- [groans]
- [man] Wait, what?!

1713
01:27:08,572 --> 01:27:10,407
- [laughter]
- He cut straight to it,

1714
01:27:10,443 --> 01:27:11,444
- didn't he?
- [Brian] Didn't you get--

1715
01:27:13,412 --> 01:27:15,380
You Three Stooges
are banned for life!

1716
01:27:15,415 --> 01:27:18,512
- [Burny] Eat shit!
- [laughing] Not today.

1717
01:27:18,547 --> 01:27:19,919
Who are you, Father Ka-rass?

1718
01:27:19,955 --> 01:27:21,248
Ah! Not Father "Ka-rass."

1719
01:27:21,284 --> 01:27:22,417
Karras. Blah.

1720
01:27:22,452 --> 01:27:24,425
I'm the leader of the beavers.

1721
01:27:24,461 --> 01:27:25,752
Nice.

1722
01:27:25,787 --> 01:27:28,395
- Yes, it is.
- That's actually--

1723
01:27:28,431 --> 01:27:30,923
I kind of consider myself
the same thing, doing what I do.

1724
01:27:30,958 --> 01:27:33,231
- Is that right? Well...
- Yeah. It's pretty--

1725
01:27:33,266 --> 01:27:35,326
You got a lot
of ladies here, huh?

1726
01:27:35,362 --> 01:27:36,463
No.

1727
01:27:37,433 --> 01:27:40,665
[Kevin Smith] Jesus Christ,
fewer things in life
could be more perfect than that.

1728
01:27:40,700 --> 01:27:42,205
Give it up for the boys!

1729
01:27:42,240 --> 01:27:45,973
[cheers and applause]