♪ I got the big beat ♪
My name's Pat Cassidy. I'm a runner.
I used to be normal. Now I own a neon vest.
My toenails are dead, dying or just plain gone.
And sometimes I grease my nipples.
Tomorrow, I'm running my first marathon.
Woo-hoo-hoo!
Nice outfit, jerkoff!
26.2 miles. Ugh, how did I get here?
And can you see my junk in these shorts?
All good questions.
- Oh! - Wake the fuck up.
Good morning.
The farting goat!
It's a farting goat!
Oh, my God.
- Later, Pat. - I love you.
Love you.
- Mwah. - Mwah.
♪ Party people in the place to be ♪
♪ It's about that time ♪
♪ Yeah, uh-huh ♪
♪ Yeah, what you know about... ♪
Whoo.
I covered you at the client dinner last night, Pat.
We signed them.
Oh, right. Thanks. Totally spaced.
No worries. I actually... I was able to reschedule
- my ultrasound, so... - Perfect.
Yeah. Can you send over the deal memo, though, like asap?
- On it. - Thank you.
"Farting... goat...
long version..."
Hey, Pat.
Hi, Olivia.
- How was date night? - Uh, Pat had to work late.
- You Pat or girlfriend Pat? - Girlfriend Pat.
I never refer to myself in the third person or work late.
You should know that about me.
Work-life balance is so important.
What do you want, Olivia?
Okay, so you know how sad it is that some dogs don't have homes?
- You hate animals. - Okay, yeah, but that's why
I'm raising money to get those stinky mongrels off the street
by running a half marathon in gay Paris, baby.
Gimme money, gimme money.
So you want me to pay for your vacation?
Oui, oui. If I raise enough cash the charity will pay for
my hotel, aka Chez Nasty, 'cause you know those fit freaks
are gonna be all hopped up on endorphins and lookin' to bone.
Sure, yeah. I'll help pay for Chez Nasty. Send me the link.
But only because I love that money dance.
♪ Gimme money, mm Gimme money ♪
- That's good. - Hola, amigos!
Hey, Spencer.
- Tight outfit. - Thanks very much.
I mean, it's a little embarrassing because, uh,
well, the rainbow motto was last weekend,
and it's just a barefoot 10K through swampland,
climbing ropes and solving puzzles,
but I'm doing the zero waste thing,
so I haven't washed these puppies. I smell good.
I bet you do.
Yeah, There's definitely a smell. 10K? Damn.
- What is that? Like, 2 miles? - Closer to 6.2 exactly.
But I double back for teammates, so who really knows?
Yeah, no way to keep track of that.
Well, the chalk really brings out the definition
- in your quads, so... - Thank you, Olivia.
I mean, what about you? What do you do, like,
100 burpees before breakfast?
Who's your trainer? Michelangelo?
Don't think you're allowed to say that in an office.
- He can. - Later, Olive Oyl.
Mm-hmm.
All right. Well, this was awesome. Thanks for stopping by.
You gotta recycle your knick-knacks, paddywhack.
We've only got one Mother Earth.
And where I come from, every day is Mother's Day.
We good?
Oh... Yeah.
- We good. - Boom.
Jesus. Dude.
Yo, Dave!
What's up, baby?
Oh, you know, just living my life a quarter mile at a time.
Ha ha, my man! Speaking of, there's a Tokyo Drift matinee
Sunday at the Avalon. You in?
Perfect. Pat's working this weekend.
- I'll grab us seats. - Great.
Get a real job, meter maid!
Why don't you get a real car, Uncle Phil? Huh?
How you fit Carlton, Ashley and Will in this motherfucker?
Who you flexin' at, huh?
Yeah, take your ticket and go on.
Pay more attention to the signs in your community, jackass!
Hey, Pataroni Pizza!
Liz wants to see us in her office.
Great. One sec. Gotta run. Boss wants to chat,
but thanks for grabbing tickets. Set for Sunday, friendo.
Hey, I don't have friends.
- I got family! - I got family!
First off, TGIF.
TGIF! TGIF! Yeah! Yeah, yeah!
- To you as well. - I'm gonna get right to it.
I spoke to corporate today and they are relocating me to NYC
to be the new SVP of national HQ.
- Congratulations! All right! - I'm very happy for you.
Thank you. But now I need to name a replacement
for head of sales.
And I'm stuck between two rock stars and a hard place.
But I thought long and hard about it.
Pat...
Spencer's getting the promotion.
- What? - Oh, Pat!
Don't forget, you two have client drinks tonight.
Big ad buy on the table.
I know I can count on you, Spence.
Uh, I'm sorry. Why am I even here?
Spencer, do you mind giving us a second?
No. Sure thing, Boss.
I'm good. Thanks.
Pat, I understand how this could be difficult
seeing how Spencer used to report to you.
But I want you to know that you are a valuable...
Uh, screw it. Uh, I cannot stand working with you.
- Oh. - Whoo, that felt so good
to get off my chest. Yeah, Pat, I mean, gah,
you are a mediocre employee at best.
You're generally going nowhere.
And your career path is like this.
Do you understand what this is?
Yeah. No, I get it. I think I understand. Thank you.
Yeah. No heart. No commitment. All fuck-up.
Hmm, I feel like you don't need to tell me that.
I wanted to fire you today. I really did.
But then I got promoted.
And now you're Spencer's problem. Ha!
Look, Pat, if you want to keep this job, here's some advice
from a woman who could not care less.
Land this deal tonight. Capiche?
I capiche.
Hmm. Oh, yeah. Get it, yeah. Get it.
Yeah, get it. Hmm. Oh, yeah.
Pat!
Hey, Patio Furniture. I just wanna let you know
that my promotion doesn't change anything.
You're still my brother, bro.
Actually, it directly changes everything between us.
- You're my boss now. - No, we're family.
And every day is Thanksgiving. I love you, Squanto.
I'm not comfortable with that nickname.
Knew it was bad when it left my lips.
Let's just go in there and lock this deal down.
That's my guy. And it won't take long because I just matched with
the girl who wants to meet at midnight.
So don't wanna turn into a pumpkin, Patajowea. Ah, ah.
Thought I stumbled on to one. All right, let's go sling some
- ads like the old days, okay? - Yeah.
Remember, absolutely nothing has changed.
Hi! Spencer Duley, senior manager of sales at Aardvark.
Hey, Rita Green. Green Built Energy.
And this is my second in command. Oh, hey, Pat Cassidy.
There you are, buddy.
Hi... Whoa. We got ourselves a wet noodle here.
No, thank you.
- Sorry, sorry. I'm Pat. - Hi.
- Let's sit! - Yeah, great.
I'm not sorry that I am Pat. I'm just sorry about the handshake.
So that is Aardvark. It is a peer-to-peer money lending app,
but the money in your account earns interest.
And that's a whole lot of cheddar.
Child of the 90s.
I'm just trying. I'm just having fun.
See all this prime ad space? This could all say
Green Built Energy.
So are you ready to unleash your money with Aardvark?
Look, I like it, but I try to focus our advertising on
platforms that I have a personal connection with, you know?
Oh, Hondo P. Yeah, it's all about personal connections.
I mean, just the other day I was with my squad
doing a training run for the Sweet Peach Marathon.
What? I'm running the Sweet Peach.
What? Ah!
- Pat, do you run? - Nah, it's kind of boring.
Yeah. You know, Pat's more of an indoor cat.
He's the perfect sidekick.
The number one number two of all time.
I mean, if I have to do a quick tempo run at lunch...
I get it.
I know that Pat is gonna be holding down his desk
going nowhere.
Pat, you're going nowhere.
- Yeah, I'm running the marathon. - What?
-Well, I thought... Sorry, didn't you just say you don't run?
I did say I don't run previously, but I do run now
because I just signed up for the Sweet Peach Marathon.
Well, that's amazing. Open registration closed months ago.
So you must be running for charity!
- Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I am. - Yeah.
What charity?
- Cancer. - Cancer? Awesome!
Which organization? Susan G. Komen, Mediviver,
- Breastfeet Forward? - Breastfeet Forward.
What? No way! Me too! Look! Look!
- Yeah, that's the one. - Oh, I love breast cancer!
I'm doing the prostate. All good causes!
- Yes! - Yeah!
Hell yeah! Oh!
Pat, you gotta come on our next team run. They are so fun.
- Nah, I'm good. - Oh, you gotta go!
You gotta.
- Yeah. I gotta go. - Sick. Tomorrow morning.
Forsythe Park, 6:00 AM. Gotta beat the heat.
Kill me, kill me, kill me...
- Hey, there he is. - Hey.
Hi.
Wow, nice outfit. Very fluorescent.
Thank you.
You'll get there. Okay, come on.
Let's go meet the rest of the team.
Okay.
Whoa! She really loves running.
Hey, Kiki. This is Pat.
Oh, my gosh. New friend? It's so nice to meet you, Pat.
You're serving me gym class chic right now.
Oh, thanks. I was starting to feel like maybe I dressed wrong.
- Hey! - Whoa. Hey.
Harry Hays, man, good to meet you.
Yeah, you too.
Yeah. Welcome. Whoa.
- What is happening? - So they are a couple.
It's best to just give them a little space.
Anyway, I wanted to ask you, how did you get into this great
- sport of running, huh? - Oh, you know...
Oh! Running is a sport together. Really.
Running is for children and people who can't hold their pee.
You want a real sport?
Try race walking. That's a real sport right there.
Heel, toe. Heel, toe, heel, toe.
Your feet never leave the ground.
That's a real thrill! All right, baby?
Save it, Harry. No one cares about your fake sport.
Why should I learn how to run slow?
I already know how to run slow. I want to learn how to run fast.
Don is gonna be leading a blind runner through the marathon.
The proper nomenclature is differently abled.
Actually, I think blind is okay. Or visually impaired.
How would you know? You sighted son of a bitch.
I think it's just...
Babe, you forget your password again? It's all fives.
No, I know my password. It's just this Breastfeet Forward app
is driving me crazy. My sister's been trying to make a donation
for the last hour. And it keeps crashing on her.
You know what? Maybe it's time to unleash your Aardvark.
What the fuck did you say to me?
- No. Sorry. - You wanna see my dick?
What? No, I don't know. It's Aardvark.
It's the money transfer app I work for. I could set up
an account for our donations, and since it earns interest,
it's just a way to put all our fundraising on autopilot.
And that's a whole lot of... It's more money.
- Dick? - No, it's just more money.
Well, I love using tech to get an edge.
Pat, I proudly appoint you treasurer
of Team Breastfeet Forward. Okay, let's get a move on.
- More responsibility. - See you in a minute.
- Congrats. - Thank you.
Baby, this dude tried to see my aardvark.
Hey, hold up. Hold, hold. Let's move.
- Coming through, meatball. - Oh. Ouch.
Shit.
And away we go.
Where am I?
We're in the hospital. You hit me with your car.
And then you fainted.
Ah.
- Hello, Mr. Cassidy? - Yeah, right here.
I'm Mr. Cassidy.
Uh, you...
He probably has a concussion or he's senile. We'll see.
- Anyway, hi, Pat. - Hi.
- Hey, Rita. - Hi, Julie. Sorry, Dr. Hall.
We missed you on the run this morning.
- Julie's on our team, too. - It's true. I was bummed when
I had to cover this shift,
but now I feel like I didn't miss much.
Glad I could help. Am I dying?
Yes.
Wait. Really?
No, you're fine.
No, you're fine. You're fine.
She got you so good!
Your testosterone is low. Abdominal fat is high.
Why'd they test for that?
But no broken bones or internal bleeding, so you can go.
- Great. - Well, no, I'm sorry.
I got hit by a car. It hurts.
Oh, I bet it hurts. Cars are made of metal.
- Right. - Maybe next time you're running,
try listening to your headphones at a moderate level.
- That's a real rookie move. - Yeah.
Oh, God. So it's my fault? Um, well, okay. I'm sorry.
Could I just... Could I get some drugs maybe?
Oh, I've got just the thing.
We're going to go with one pair of real running shoes.
- That's not what I meant. - Multiple athletic shirts.
That's not pills.
- And modern shorts. - You're confused.
See you two at the next team run.
Okay. I'll just leave with nothing.
Dude, running sucks. I ran one time. It sucked.
Yeah, you're not wrong. At least it's for a good cause.
- What's the cause? - Keeping my job.
I meant what cancer?
Isn't there only one kind of cancer?
And it just shows up in different parts of your body?
That sounds entirely wrong. I'm not a scientist,
but I'm sure the scientists are just sharing notes.
Yeah, like peer reviews and shit, and it's all on one
big health database. I mean, it's gotta be illegal
to not share cancer notes, right?
Mm-hmm. And if they don't share it,
they violating the hippo laws.
Exactly.
So this is all just to impress a client?
Yep. And I gotta practice almost every morning.
- It's nice knowing you. - What are you talking about?
You still down for Tokyo Drift in the morning?
Shit! Stop it. You know I don't even like running, man.
I'm just doing it to win this stupid account,
and get Spencer off my ass. And then we'll be right back
to breakfast burritos and B-movie matinees.
- B movies? - Oh, no, I...
Look, I didn't mean it like that, man.
Patrick, have you been watching Fast and Furious ironically?
No, man. I mean, like, I think they're good, but not like...
good-good.
I don't even know who you are anymore, dawg.
I think you should probably leave.
Dave, come on, man.
I don't have friends.
Right now, I don't either.
- You wanna watch Fast Five? - Yay! And eat pizza bagels?
He said he was fine when I left,
but I've just never seen Dave so upset, you know?
Yeah, I know.
I wish I never joined this stupid running team
- in the first place. - Totally.
Maybe I should just quit the team, quit my job
- and do what I love. - Hmm. I know.
Like, you know, doing bath salts
just to see what all the fuss is about.
Follow your bliss.
- Pat. - Huh?
I'm trying to sort some stuff out here.
And I feel like you're being completely distant.
I mean, come on. I need your help.
What should I do?
Well, I mean, it's not like you have any hobbies
or anything you're really interested in,
so I guess I'm just wondering, like, what would you do?
I have hobbies. I drive.
- That's not a hobby. - What does that even mean?
We're adults. What are your hobbies?
Book club, yoga, trading crypto.
When did you join a book club?
No one reads Infinite Jest for fun, Pat.
Pat, why am I being yelled at?
I'm the one who got hit by a car.
You got hit by a car?
He's expected to recover fully
and should be able to help police with information.
And which healthy habit might be killing you?
Tonight at 11:00.
♪ You worked all day Not a comfortable life ♪
♪ Nine-to-five job with no end in sight ♪
♪ Hit the ground running and don't back down ♪
♪ Make a commitment Turn it around ♪
♪ You're the best ♪
♪ You're the bomb ♪
♪ You're awesome Yeah, yeah ♪
Rita, I gotta say, I think you're going to just love the
Aardvark interface. The ads are finna to pop off.
Thank you, Pat. But, you know, I get pitched all week,
so I kind of use these runs to disconnect.
- But I love the hustle, though. - You got it.
Get your run on. You go, girl.
- How you holdin' up, rook? - I've been better.
My feet are really achy. I'm chafing pretty bad all over.
- And my uh... - Nipples hurt?
Yes. Oh, my God. Yes. Why?
- Oh! - Doing all right, hun?
I'm gonna need to hit the toilet up ahead.
Alas, the park bathroom is closed.
What?
Drifters were cranking it in there.
Okay, I guess it's the woods for me then.
Wipe with a sock, okay? Dry leaves are not your friend.
No, these socks, they're state of the art.
- Good luck. - Oh God...
Hey, you're gettin' it. Yeah, kid. That's it.
Now, you're race walking. Huh? Heel, toe, heel, toe.
Okay. I'm done.
I tell you, this thing gets so deep in the hip,
you want to at least propose to it. You know?
How was the rest of your run, rook? How're feelin'?
Everything hurts.
- Oh! - Oh, my God!
- What? - What? The high beam?
Those are some angry, angry nipples.
Is that normal?
All the blood went to your nipples. It's crazy.
I can't stop looking.
They really hurt. I can't keep my shirt on.
Ah, the wind kind of hurts, too. Ah, yeah. Oh.
Will you look at this Navy SEAL shit right here.
Oh, fuck me.
Rita, Pat in the Hat! What are the chances?
You seal the deal yet, buddy? Just kidding. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
What are you doing here? You animal!
Just training for the marathon the only way we know how...
By doing a triathlon.
Whoa! Is that Nitro Venom?
Didn't some Olympians get banned for that?
Nah. Well, yeah, but, you know,
the FDA says they're gonna approve the new recipe.
Oh, my God! Patmandu, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks, Spencer. Enjoy your run, bike, swim.
Hey, I was just thinking during my 2.4 miles in the water,
we should put a friendly wager on the marathon.
Loser pays $100 to the winner's charity.
No, I'm good. I think I know who'd win that bet.
Oh, come on, Pat. It's all for charity.
Sure. A hundred bucks? Why not?
I'd probably blow that money on student loans anyway.
Terrific. Oh, you were touching that. You know what?
Let's do a verbal handshake.
Those jelly donuts could use some ointment glaze A-S-A-Pat.
- To the bikes! - Later!
Okay, so who was that monster?
That's my boss.
He used the word "ointment" like it's no big deal.
I don't even write the word when it's medically necessary.
I-I hate him.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, and he's ugly, too, right?
He's got the body of, like, a weasel or a mink.
All right, lobster nips, my old track coach
owns a running store. Time to get you some proper gear.
Great. He's gonna help me with these?
Uh, wait, running gear? I've got...
I'm gonna come. I'm coming.
Oh, hey, Google.
Put two-ply running socks on my shopping list.
Fresh rubber? Oh, heaven.
Whoa. It smells like shit in here.
Coach B!
Julie Hall. My goodness.
It's been a lifetime.
Bring it in. Bring it in. Bring it in.
- Ah, ah, there we go! - Watch it, watch it!
- Bring it! - Tying it up!
And he's still got it!
- Are you still running? - I'm still running.
Yeah! I got the Sweet Peach coming up.
How about you? How's the knee?
Oh, I'm chugging along. I got this one replaced in July
like you was after me to do. And then this one in June.
- And both hips as well. - No kidding?
Yeah, running's a hell of a sport.
Jesus Christ.
And who is this blaspheming little hush puppy?
This is my teammate, Pat. And he's in need of, well...
- Everything. - Except metal in my body.
Sorry. No offense. I love your legs.
No offense taken. Come on, Pat. Let's get you on the rack.
Come on.
These feel good? I don't know.
What are they supposed to feel like?
The running part still sucks.
You obviously pronate, buddy. And that is a neutral shoe.
You are begging for shin splints.
Aiden was the finest high school athlete in the lower 48.
The LeBron James of distance running.
Til the damn hip pointer derailed his career,
but he's healed up now. He's gonna reclaim his throne.
Aiden, fetch me the A6 gel kind in a six and a half.
I'm a 10.
Sorry. Lost all my rods and cones running.
You got potential.
Yeah. You gotta stop rear foot running
and waving your arms around like a flipping orangutan.
Listen, land on your midsole
and hinge your body forward
like you're a private dancer.
Like you're a private dancer.
Dancer for money.
♪ Do what I want you to do ♪
It's getting a little intimate.
Try not to hurt yourself out there, El Garooge.
All right. You don't need to be such a dick.
I'm just trying to buy a pair of running shoes from you.
Whoa! $180?
Better to hurt your bankroll than your body.
I once saw a man break both his ankles
'cause he was wearing the wrong trainers. That man was me.
1986, Boston Marathon, mile one.
I still finished.
Oh, I love those shoes. I wish I pronated.
Coach, do you sell pocket saws in case I fall down a crevasse
and have to, you know, like...
Aisle six.
No, still sore.
- Hi, friend! Happy Monday. - Yeah.
- How'd it go this morning? - Oh, good. I've been loving it.
It's been going really good. I love running.
Baloney. I talked to Rita
and she mentioned you weren't on the team run.
What's up with that?
Look, Spencer, I'm sorry, man. It's a lot.
Every morning running, like, I don't know if it's really...
Pat, the Green Built deal is a major deal
and you're an ambassador for Aardvark,
so when you blow off Rita, you blow off the deal.
And then you blow me off by proxy.
And I don't get blown off.
- I do the blowing. - Basement flooded.
And when I blow, things get messy.
Well, this deal's my top priority
and I'll be there bright and early tomorrow.
No, there's a special run this evening.
Another run today? Great. Okay, fine. I'll be there.
All right. That's my guy. Remember, it's all about
personal connections, Pat Thai with chicken.
- Okay. Get in here. - Oh, no!
- Get in here! - Oh, no.
- Excuse me. - Ho!
How was that? Did you love it?
- Tell me everything. - I can't talk about it.
Oh, look who decided to finally dress the part.
Hey, lookin' good, Pat!
Yeah, thanks. I feel like these things
don't really do that much.
- It's a lot of thigh. - Yeah. Thank you.
Look, I'm so sorry about missing practice this morning.
I don't know what happened. I just...
Relax, rook. We just figured you took an off day.
Yeah, it's no biggie. I mean, we're all here
because we wanna be here. And if you want to be here too,
- that's great. - Bueno.
Oh, great. Awesome.
- What's with the beers? - Lane one coming through!
Whoa! Jesus.
It's beer mile, baby.
Whoo!
Uh, okay. What's beer mile?
Oh, it's a team tradition. Not really helpful for training,
and you'll probably throw up, but it's really fun.
Oh, great. Well, that shouldn't be a problem.
My gag reflex was legendary in college.
I was really good at the...
Oh, what's that thing called? You know, you take two hands,
and it's a big tube, and you put it in your mouth
when you're like.
You know, you make that noise just like,.
It's the oh, beer bong.
- Oh. - No, I've never done that.
It looks more like a dick to me.
Um, so anyway, how do you play?
Well, you drink a beer, then you run a lap.
And you do that four times. Beer mile.
But if you puke or if you spill your beer,
- you gotta take a penalty lap. - Mm-hmm. And Rita will puke.
Oh, one hundred percent, but I freakin' love this night!
- Huh? Whoo! - Let's go!
Hey, so word to the wise, just pace yourself.
Look, I may be a novice runner, but I'm a veteran drinker.
Oh, nice, bruh.
Harry, let's do this.
All right, milers. Take your marks.
Get set, and while you beer heathens are running,
I'm gonna have myself a nice smoky glass of white zinfandel
from the Meadowlands of New Jersey.
Start the damn race, Harry!
Go!
Asshole!
Get 'em, baby!
This is the worst thing I've ever done in my life.
Fifty-six seconds! Damn, Donny!
How's it feeling, rook?
Ugh, awful.
I think there's beer in my lungs.
Mm, it'll get worse.
Body Check!
♪ Take on me ♪
♪ Take me on ♪
I love this team!
Jesus, Kiki.
- Running's a contact sport. - No, it's not
Sweet Jesus Donny, you wanna pay somebody for a beer mile?
Oopsie.
Are you okay?
Worry about yourself, noob.
Go, Donny! Go, Donny! 4:24! You set the world record!
Yeah, I did. But keep it off social media.
I wanna be known for my poetry.
♪ Take on me ♪
Penalty lap! Penalty lap! He spilled some beer!
Tell him he has to do a penalty lap, I saw it!
Oh, come on!
Those are the rules.
There was like none left in there.
Catch me if you can, Tom Petty!
Whoo!
Go Kiki, push!
Go Kik... Yeah!!!
Victory!
Really a good race. Pat, way to push through.
Penalty lap, penalty beer.
Go. You got this. Oh.
Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat!
Whoa. Uh-oh.
Keep it down, big boy. Man up, baby.
That's not good. That's not good.
Um, you're good. No penalty lap.
Yeah, you're good.
Man up. Man up.
Okay. Okay.
Pat, Pat, Pat.
Hey, thanks again for the ride.
Well, that's the upside of puking immediately.
I'm sober enough to drive my friends home.
What up?
Yeah, outside of all the vomiting.
I had a lot of fun tonight.
Yeah, runners are masochists. Welcome to the club.
Thanks. Um, see y'all tomorrow?
- Hell, yeah. - Absolutely.
- Awesome. Goodnight. - Goodnight!
- Bye, Pat! - Later!
Drive safe.
Oh!
Oh, Rita!
I'm sorry. It's the stickers. I swear I'm not drunk.
Sorry! I just have to get them home.
Yes!
Hey, babe. What you makin'?
Pat!
Spencer?
You two know each other?
- He's my boss. - He's my best friend.
Shit.
Wait. Were you going down on her from behind?
- Look, I know she's your sister. - Sister?
- She's my girlfriend! - Girlfriend?
But you guys look so much alike.
- What? - And you have the same name.
Why would parents give their kids the same name?
- My sister's name is Spencer. - Wait, your sister's name is...
How long has this been going on?
I don't know. Since I joined book club.
Oh, just like five minutes.
I knew book club was bullshit.
Wait, five minutes in and you're already going down on her butt?
- Well, she ate my butt first. - Oh, my God. Don't tell me that!
You know, I should go.
Yeah. I think that's a good idea.
To the little boys room.
Okay, man.
Yeah, I can't risk getting another UTI.
Right? Once you get one of those
you keep getting them over and over, so uh,
where is it?
Where is it?
- Down the hall to the right. - I see it.
Pat, I was gonna tell you.
I didn't know he was your boss!
No, no, no! It's my leg!
- Oh my God, what is that? - I don't know!
Why are you hitting me?
I don't know! I'm trying to kill it!
It is me!
Pat, don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it!
Don't resort to violence, man!
Get off me. It's my leg.
Muscle spasm. You're dehydrated.
Sister Pat, water!
Not his sister!
Okay. Here we go.
Okay. I'm gonna stretch you out a little bit.
Whoa.
This could hurt a bit.
Why does your dick look like that?
Deep breath in. Ready?
- Are you okay? - I don't wanna talk about it.
All right. Let me just say this one thing.
I-I should have just broken up with you
and not put you through all that.
- I'm so, so sorry, Pat. - Pat.
Pat, let me finish. I think that at some point you just stopped
working at our relationship. And I did, too.
So what, are you, like, in a relationship with Spencer now?
No. No, honestly, I don't wanna date anyone right now.
And I had no idea he was your boss.
I mean, the way you spoke about him, I always pictured him
much less defined, physically.
Please stop. That's fine. That's enough.
Look, you don't have to move out.
Of course not. I mean, you're not even on the lease, so...
- Right? - Right.
But you can take as much time as you need to find a new place.
Thanks.
And that's fine. You can have the...
Bedroom? Yeah, it's my bedroom. So.. But thank you.
- Yeah. So you can have it. - Yeah.
- And I'll take this couch. - Right. Couch.
Thank you.
Thank you?
What are you still doing here?
Ubers are surge pricing right now.
Go!
♪ Go on and take it off Take it off ♪
♪ You gotta shake it off, baby for me ♪
♪ Take it off Take it off ♪
♪ Take it off, baby, for me ♪
Hey! Mornin' Doc.
- Whoa, someone's feeling great. - Actually, I feel terrible.
Walked in on my boss going Cookie Monster
- on my girlfriend's privates. - Jesus, that's vivid.
I know. I was there. It was insane.
And then he teabagged me in my kitchen against my will.
- I don't need any more details. - Sorry. I'm a little loopy.
Couldn't sleep last night, but for some reason felt
compelled to run...
which sounds strange coming out of my mouth,
- but it's been... - Surprisingly cathartic?
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
I just had to get out of that house.
Spencer...
And now he's going to beat me in this race
- I have no business being in. - Is he, though?
Yeah. You've seen him, right? He's like a prototype athlete.
He looks like a fitness model. He does novelty runs with mud
and chalk and glitter bombs. That's not real running.
Have you seen a pro-distance runner?
- I don't think so. - Yeah. They're repulsive.
Like meth addicts in booty shorts.
Okay. Okay. What are you saying then?
I'm saying I've seen guys like Spencer show up thinking they're
the cock of the walk, only to truffle shuffle across the line
six hours later. I'm saying you can beat him.
♪ Whoo! Y'all gonna make me lose my mind ♪
♪ Up in here Up in here ♪
♪ Y'all gonna make me go all out ♪
♪ Up in here Up in here ♪
♪ Y'all gonna make me act a fool ♪
♪ Up in here Up in here ♪
♪ Y'all gonna make me lose my cool ♪
♪ Up in here Up in here ♪
♪ One, two Meet me outside ♪
♪ Get me outside Get me outside ♪
♪ Rough Riders Meet me outside ♪
Oh, hey Pat Burger, I am so sorry.
Yeah, you're sorry about your ugly dick
that's covered in freckles
that I saw in my house.
Pat, are you drunk? You don't smell drunk.
But maybe it's one of those ass vodka tampons. Those are fun.
Pat, maybe we should talk in private?
You know, I had a pretty good run this morning.
So I got to thinkin'.
Why don't we up the stakes of our marathon bet?
If you win, your charity gets the money I raised.
And if I win, my charity gets the money you raised.
It's all going to a good cause, right?
Well, if that good cause is called prostate cancer
because I mean, there's no way you can beat me.
It's not really even a bet. It's just a future fact.
Well, here's another fact. You're not my friend.
You're saved in my phone as "Spencer hyphen work".
Okay. If we're not friends, then we're enemies.
I'll take that bet.
Aardvark the money over to Olivia,
and she'll hold it in escrow
until the winner crosses the finish line.
Fine.
Oh, I don't... I don't really wanna... no.
- Sent. - Holy shit! $100,000!
You raised $100,000?
Yeah. My LinkedIn network runs deep.
So what do you say, my young Patawan?
We can take off some of the heat
if you can't hang in this kitchen.
You can beat him.
There's a butler's pantry. It's just salads, cold soups,
amuse-bouche.
No, I can hang in this kitchen
because I also raised that much money, too.
Besides it's all going to defeat cancer,
so what's the difference?
- Sent. - Got it.
$200,000 in my possession. It just feel right.
May the best runner win.
May the best cancer win.
I think we can both agree that cancer needs to lose here.
You're my cancer now, Pat, and I'm gonna radiate you.
So my advice, beat him in the race, show him who's boss.
And if you lose, it's what? Like a hundred bucks?
Shit. Oh, God.
At first I thought you just came by to pitch me again,
but if you're looking for a running coach,
you came to the right place.
Yeah, 'cause I just love to run.
Yes! So first thing you're gonna need, hyperbaric oxygen chamber.
Nope.
So when do we get to the coaching?
Running is the greatest metaphor for life.
Because you get out of it what you put into it.
Uh-huh.
Oprah...
- Winfrey. - Yeah, no.
Pat?
Well, that's rude.
Marvel at his gait.
Water.
- Okay. Here you go. - No!
Oh!
My hip. Oh, no!
He's not a hand/eye athlete.
You wanna carbo load. That means pizza, pasta, bagels.
You want your gluten as high as possible.
The more gluten, the better.
As far as smoking, in moderation.
I recommend some dip to protect the lungs.
Hang on, Harry. I'm on the phone.
Pat, is everything okay? Did you get hit by another car?
What? No. Everything's fine.
I just wanted to see if you would coach me for the marathon.
Whatever, sure. Next time, text. No one calls. Ever.
Got it. So how's work?
Wow, hemorrhaging. Nurse, get me a clamp.
That leg's gonna go.
Ooh! Not good.
- So let's talk goals. - Yeah.
- Do you have one? - Yes, I think a good goal for me
would be to run a two and a half hour marathon.
Nice. What's your actual goal?
Why not? I mean, that's just under a six-minute pace.
You're nowhere near that.
Well, when we started, I was averaging 10-minute miles,
and after a month, I'm running eight-minute miles.
So, you know, with the marathon two months away,
I figured I'd knock off another two minutes at least.
Okay. By your math, in three months,
you'd be the marathon world record holder.
I do seem to take to it naturally. Yeah, I guess.
See, that's not how this works. The difference between averaging
six minutes and averaging eight minutes is like the difference
between being Gordon Ramsay and being Chef Boyardee.
Between being Gordon Ramsay and being Chef Boyardee.
- I like Chef Boyardee. - Of course you do.
Let's aim for an eight-minute pace.
That's a three-thirty marathon.
If you ran a three-thirty marathon, it'd be the most
impressive thing you've done in your life by a lot, like, ever.
Like, so, so much...
What are you doing?
Uh, whoa. I'm stopping 'cause we ran the first hill.
No, we're not doing hill repeats.
We just started on a hill. You're screwed. Come on.
Why do we start on a hill? Are you insane?
- Hi, y'all. - I think I'm gonna pass out.
- Hey, catch. - Huh?
Vive la France!
Hey, Julie, what are we doing?
We're doing rinse/repeat, baby!
Yeah! And Pat, how much have we raised for breast cancer? Huh?
Let's just say I wouldn't want to be breast cancer right now.
Whoo!
So hit us up on Aardvark and keep those donations coming!
Whoo!
Pat! Pat!
Hey, man. I gotta keep pace, but we'll hang soon, okay?
Hey, Pat, look! I'm ticketing a guy's Charger like Vin Diesel!
Yo, I'm still in the car!
Yo, the car's still double parked! Take your ticket, okay?
He's getting faster.
♪ Put your baby mama at the crib and blow her back out ♪
Friends! Tonight's open bar raised over $800
for breast cancer research!
More money, less cancer. That's my little twist on a celebrating
Christopher Wallace beat poem.
Oh, I'd love to hear it sometime.
- Sorry, we're late. - Oh, no, Kiki. What happened?
Oh, just a stress fracture. The doctor just confirmed it.
Kiki, I'm so sorry.
Oh, you sweet boy. Bless your heart.
You should see if you can defer entry to next year.
Defer? Defer to next year? Say defer again, Curly Sue!
Say it!
♪ Have you seen the vodka man, the vodka man... ♪
Do you wanna go chat about her in the bathroom?
I think so.
Well, it's a damn shame. She was running so well.
Hey, she told me you've been running pretty well yourself.
We'll see. I mean, 26 miles still sounds really daunting.
How about Harry gives you a little tip?
Get you over the top for big race day.
Yeah, okay. What it is?
Remember the first world championship?
Yeah.
I had an affair with an Iranian race walking champion.
She told me to infuse my water with ghost peppers.
Okay.
Which simultaneously cools you off
and jump starts the nervous system.
Oh.
I wouldn't have got there without these little devils.
Oh. Thanks for thinking of me, but no, yeah, I'm good.
But you could be great.
Yeah, don't want that.
- Oh, that's a bad batch. - Don't want that.
Never mind. Hey, wanted to check in with you
and see how the fundraising numbers are going?
Oh, well, interest rates are high, so, yeah,
it's really good.
There's a chance that we could double our money.
- That's insane! - Yeah. Right?
You know what, Pat? I just... I really appreciate how you have
gone all in on running, so I am gonna go all in on you.
Let's go forward with this Aardvark deal, huh?
- Great. That's amazing. Really? - Yeah.
Wow! I can't wait to tell Spencer the news.
Oh, I love it! Hey, you're gonna come to the team dinner
tomorrow night, right?
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Which one is the milk?
Okay, we're at 60 if you wanna head back to the lot.
- I'm gonna add on. - Actually, I'll come with you.
I don't mind being a little late to work
and I think I'm getting a second wind.
This could be your first runner's high.
No, I don't think so. Being high is awesome.
Right now, I just feel not terrible?
Yep. That's a runner's high. Very overrated.
- Great branding, though. - Definitely false advertising.
Yeah.
Oh, you can run, but you can't hide, Pataquiddick.
He doesn't need to hide though, does he?
No, all he has to do is run.
And all you have to do is run faster.
Move, move, move!
Hey, hey. How are you? Yeah, I'm good.
I'm really good.
Hey, Spence.
- Uh, hey, Spence! - Oh, hey, Pol Pat.
I was just lost in the executive email chain.
Yeah, totally. Just wanted to let you know
the Green Built deal is squared away.
Oh, yippee.
There's cookies in the vending machine if you wanna celebrate.
Opened or closed, brother?
Oh, I don't know. Surprise me.
Cool.
"Brother"? Yeah, maybe if I had sucked up
all the nutrients in the womb.
How the hell did you raise $100,000?
Your friends are poor.
You can tell from their dental work.
Oh, oh, oh. You've been a naughty boy, Peter Pat!
Patter Pan, Paptain Pook?
Jesus. What are you doing?
You're losing your goddamn mind.
What the hell?
I'm gonna need to see some ID, sir.
Dave, what are you doing?
I said I need some identification, sir.
Okay.
Do parking enforcement have the authority to ask for that?
Hmm, it's funny. It says "Patrick Cassidy".
I know a Patrick Cassidy.
Or at least I used to.
Did you rehearse this?
Yes.
- Well, you can stop. - You can stop!
Why don't you start, okay?
When's the last time you hit me up?
I'm always the one reaching out to hang, man.
You don't text me. You don't call.
You haven't even sent me a picture
of a weird dump you took.
Look, man. I've just been super busy. I can't do this right now.
I'm late for a team dinner. Besides, ever since I upped
my fiber game, my BMs have been super smooth.
It's not photo worthy.
Enjoy your precious running club.
First, take the club off your car.
Okay? That club protects your precious car,
but who protects me?
What about the club for my heart?
Look, man. We can talk about this later, all right?
Once this marathon's over, I...
Good-bye forever, Patrick Quintin Cassidy!
Keep living your life a quarter mile at a time.
That's how you get out of a ticket.
What?
- Go for Spencer. - What the fuck, Spencer?
Oh, what the fuck me? What the fuck you.
You gambled other people's money, which in the legal world
is known as illegal.
Which means I am firing you right now, Patato Chip.
- Shit. - Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna miss you around the offices,
but I am very much looking forward to race day,
when I exterminate you, my little Duck-billed Patypus.
Okay, well, if I'm fired, then the bet's off.
Tell Olivia to return the money to my account.
Oh, hell, no. No, no, no, no, no.
A bet is a bet. And I told Olivia, my underling,
that if any money is returned before one of us
crosses the finish line,
then her job is in the Porta Patty!
Oh, I improvised that one, shimone! Yeah!
What about the Green Built deal?
Oh, when Rita hears what you did,
oh, that deal is dead in the water, Patiliwood.
Patalie-fuckin'-Wood. I knew... I knew it!
Oh, and on the plus side,
with your team's money, oh, this year, I'm gonna be
the top boner on the prostate donor list. Thank you!
Come on, man. You can't do this.
I can do anything I want. I am all powerful!
The destroyer of worlds! King Kong and Godzilla, me!
There can be only one!
Uh, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat. Pat, um...
Uh, smells. Pat smells.
- You're a real dick, Spencer. - Oh, pleasure working with you.
Don't be afraid to use me as a reference.
Come on, man.
Sorry, Timothy.
Thank you for that moment of silence. Don and Julie,
your mothers and their brave fights against breast cancer
remain inspirational to all of us.
And we race for them.
And we race for survivors like Kiki and myself.
Shout out to our very special guest, my oncologist,
Dr. Parsons. With her help, we will find a cure.
And with the money we've raised, we can reach that goal!
So, Pat, our trusted treasurer, how much have we raised so far?
I gambled all the team's money.
What?
I, uh, I bet it all against my boss that
I'd beat him in the marathon.
Why would you do that? You suck at running.
Wait, so all the money is just gone?
I didn't lose it yet. I mean, there's a chance
I could still get it back, but...
Yeah, it's basically gone.
- You slimy motherfucker! - Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Wow, man. I thought better of you, really.
The Germans have a word for scum like you,
but you're not worthy of hearing it.
So you're clearly kicked off the team, Pat.
And this obviously kills our business deal.
Hey, look, I don't care how you do it, but that money
needs to be back in our account by race day.
Wow, you're a real piece of shit.
Uh, I...
I just can't believe you would do this. Why?
It was Spencer. I mean, he got to me and I snapped.
And I wanted to get him back, so I upped the bet.
I thought I could beat him in the race. And...
But it was that morning that you told me I could beat him
and show him who's boss in the marathon.
I didn't tell you to steal from a goddamn cancer charity, Pat.
Well, I didn't... I didn't steal anything.
- You didn't steal anything? - No, no.
I didn't steal anything. Whether I lost or not,
that money was always going towards defeating cancer.
I mean, isn't there just one type of cancer that shows up in
- different parts of your body? - No!
What? Our teammates in there worked so hard to raise that
money because they had their lives turned upside down
by breast cancer, not prostate cancer.
But I'm sure all the scientists are sharing notes.
- All the scientists? - Like on a medical database?
Pat, there isn't just one big cancer lab!
We're done here.
Stealing from a cancer charity. You bombaclaat motherfucker.
I'm gonna put cancer in your dick, let it go malignant.
Then biopsy it. No anesthetic.
It's nice meeting you!
See how you like that, you punk bitch.
Yeah. Yeah, that's fair...
At the tone, please record your message.
Hey, again, Dave. It's me, again.
It's Pat. Hey. Look, um, I'm sorry I've been acting
like an asshole these past few months.
You know, to paraphrase Ja Rule in Fast I,
"It ain't how you stand by your car,
it's how you race your car."
And, you know, in this metaphor,
you're my car, and I wanna race you around.
So maybe I could pick you up in my actual car and I could
race us around and we could have fun like we always did.
And, I don't know, call me and we could just...
The mailbox is full and cannot accept any messages
at this time. Good-bye.
♪ You gotta try ♪
♪ To live your life ♪
Oh my gosh, a new friend!
I already know how to run slow.
I want to learn how to run fast.
Running's for children
and people who can't hold their pee!
I love this team!
Stealing from a cancer charity.
I'm saying you can beat him.
♪ You're gonna fall with the grace of a cannon ball ♪
♪ You're gonna rise back the tide above it all ♪
♪ You've gotta find, find the spark ♪
♪ That lights up the dark ♪
♪ Sometimes you fail before you begin ♪
♪ Sometimes you lose before you win ♪
Shit.
If it starts to hurt, you need to stop.
Stop? That's a good one, Doc.
Where'd you go to medical school? Chuckles University?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm in race mode, okay?
Got it.
Oh, recommended dose is two, but never mind.
Kiki feel no pain!
Hi, who's ready to race?
We're ready!!!!!
Let's get it! How do you feel?
Got room for one more?
Oh, this bitch.
What kind of response were you expecting to that?
Oh yeah, come on back, Pat. We miss you. No, we hate you.
Race mode!
You're no longer a part of this team, Pat.
What are you doing here?
Let me just say one thing.
I'm not an emotional guy.
I tend to put up a lot of walls to hide how I truly feel.
But being a part of this team
has meant so much to me.
Before I met you guys, I never really had any real
sense of commitment.
Not to my friends, or work, or my girlfriend.
He has a girlfriend?
But with running, if you don't show up and put in the work,
you don't stand a chance.
And I realized just how much I wasn't showing up
for every other part of my life.
- And most especially... - Most especially?
That's terrible grammar.
I've never been part of a community
that looks out for each other like family.
And I never realized how important it was to me
until I lost it all.
I feel like Nemo. I-I lost my family.
Ew, he's a Disney adult.
Being a part of this brotherhood and sisterhood
has changed my life.
And I'm so sorry I gambled the team's money.
And I know now that there's more than one type of cancer.
And the scientists, they're not all sharing notes.
Okay, okay.
Holy shit. This is a pretty healthy donation, Pat.
I sold my Corolla.
It's not like I'm commuting anywhere right now.
No, no. This is actually more than I figured a Corolla
would be worth.
Toyotas have excellent resale value.
Plus, I, uh, liquidated my savings account and my 401K.
It's all the money we raised plus interest.
The money's all back.
Please, take me back.
Wow, that was very generous of you, Pat.
I-I'm sorry. Did I miss something?
That car was a piece of shit. Did you even like that thing?
I always clubbed it.
Baby, it's the thought that counts.
I mean, the money's all back in there.
Thank you for making good on this, Pat.
We'd love for you to run with us.
Bring it in, bring it in, bring it in.
Yay!
Ow, ow, ow.
Break!
Just hold still because I've gotta just...
- Don't! - I'm just kidding.
Look. You're fine. I'm joking.
It's good for you. Look it. There you go.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Saint Patrick
and his band of slippery snakes.
Cool jig, Spencer. You don't look so good.
- You doing okay? - Never been better.
Been consuming nothing but Nitro Venom for the last...
500 hours or so.
Ready to make you my bitch.
Hey, man, that's uncalled for.
Oh, what are you gonna do about it, Diarita?
Cha, cha, cha.
Well, guess what, Spence, I already paid my charity back.
So after I beat you, my charity gets the
hundred grand you raised and the rest goes straight to me.
I don't understand your math, but you beat me?
Oh, how you amuse me, Pat-thetic!
Have a great race.
Good luck out there, man.
Be care... Hey! Don't do that...
That's... Hey, leave that guy alone!
Is that supposed to intimidate us?
I can still see you.
Uh, he looks like the goddamn Crypt Keeper.
His hair was missing, right?
Full chunks were missing.
Yeah, he seemed haunted.
Hey.
Listen, kid, I've raced up and down through the Soviet Bloc.
Had more than my share of genetically engineered
assholes like that.
I know how to beat 'em at their own game.
Ooh, ghost pepper water. All right, take this.
When the moment is right, you drink this shit.
- I don't wanna drink this shit. - No, you drink this shit!
- Okay. Fine, okay. - When the moment is right.
You'll know when it's right. You drink the shit!
Okay, I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it.
Look, I gotta go to the start. Drink that shit.
Okay, fine. Jesus, man.
Oh, white breasted nuthatch, you don't see those everyday.
Oh, oh, oh!
I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.
I can't see!
Oh, oh! Are you with the guide dogs?
Yes, yes! Are you the differently abled person
- I'll be running with today? - Yes.
I have a tether that we can hold on to during the race.
Perfect!
It's time to twalk, baby. All y'all gonna walk.
Have to talk and walk.
Don't mind my smoke coming from my hips.
Let's go!
It's hammer time, baby! It's time to move!
And there go the race walkers in the Sweet Peach Marathon.
I'm Tabitha Fox and joining me today
are Olympian and distance running icon
Jeff Galloway
and legendary running back Reggie Bush.
Great to be here, Tabitha.
Thanks for having me, but I'm a football player.
I've never ran more than a hundred yards at a time.
I think there's been a mistake.
Yeah, well, we need you for the ratings.
Now, Jeff, tell us,
what are these competitors thinking right now?
It's important to pace yourself and not go out too hard.
How can they go out too hard? They're walking.
Well, the prize money for the first-place race walker
is $50,000. No laughing at that.
$50,000?
That's more than you're paying me for this.
I'll be right back.
Reggie, Reggie, Reggie, Reggie, Reggie?
Um, well, there goes Reggie Bush,
but I think Mr. Bush, who was a football player, mind you,
is gonna have a little trouble
catching up to these race walkers.
Wow, looks like somebody's got his Heisman back.
Well, the runners are up in just one hour,
so stick around with us for all your race coverage.
- Hey, Rita. - Yeah.
Are you sure you wanna carry all that for 26 miles?
Oh, absolutely. Going for a PR. Feeling confident.
Okay.
Nite, nite.
Racers, on your mark.
You got this.
Get set.
Go!
And they're off. The Sweet Peach Marathon is officially underway.
- Grab a cup. - I got the belt.
No, save that for when you're in no man's land.
- Here. - Got it.
Hey, hey, relax. We're on pace.
It's not a sprint. It's literally a marathon.
That's why we have the phrase.
Soon, Spencer. Soon.
You're doing amazing, Don. I can hardly keep up.
Swiftly, Kirk. Pothole!
Don, how did you do that? I... Thou art a magnificent creature.
Oh, I blush.
Are you a man or a mouse?
Come on! Man or mouse? Man or mouse? Man or mouse?
Man or mouse? Man or mouse? Man or mouse?
Man or mouse? Man or mouse?
Well, Spencer's lost it. His veins are too veiny.
And you know I'm a vein girl.
Oh, my God, here comes Pat! Go, Pat!
Okay, we did it. Let's go brunch.
Tabitha, this is amazing.
Look how they're trading off the lead.
Uh-huh, yeah, great. We're actually gonna cut away
from the leaders right now and check in with Nancy Ryan,
who's at the back of the pack with a runner
in pretty wacky attire.
- Get a load of this. - Let's see this bullshit.
Jeff, we can still hear you.
Take it away, Nancy.
Thanks, Tabitha. I'm here at mile five with a runner
that's got the crowd going cuckoo.
How are you feeling, Chicken Man?
Like a million clucks, Nance.
Honestly, I'm just happy the fans stuck around
for us slowpokes because I don't run at all.
Wow.
Yeah, I'm just here because I lost my fantasy league.
- What's up, Chicken Man? - Hello. Boom! Chicken Man!
Gotta love the people.
This is eggcellent.
Agreed.
That must've been refreshing.
Are you worried about becoming a fried chicken in that suit?
I mean, we're going so slow that it's...
Shut the fuck up, Chicken Man!
I will pluck every fucking feather from your fucking body!
Why don't we lose this fowl mouth, huh?
That's good. I'm Nancy Ryan. Back to you.
I don't understand. I don't understand.
Ma'am, are you okay?
No.
But I will be.
Asshole!
Well, if I'm an asshole, you're shit.
I pushed you out of me like soft serve ice cream.
Oh, I really hate him.
- How are you feeling? - I'm feeling good.
Okay, look. You can finish this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you leaving me?
Yes, but only because I wanna run much faster than this.
So follow me up to Spencer, run with him, stay relaxed.
And try not to shit yourself when you hit the wall.
How very inspiring, but is hitting the wall
like a runner's high where it's nowhere near as intense
- as is sounds? - No.
Hitting the wall actually feels like hitting a wall.
When it happens, remember there are paramedics nearby
- and you won't die, probably. - Wait, what? Really? Seriously?
And here we are. You got this.
Oh, what is going on with your body?
- Stop it. - Stop what?
- Stop hitting my arm. - It's not illegal.
Where'd he go?
Race official. Race official.
- What are you gonna do? - He's hitting me. Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Well, as the lead runners close in on the finish line,
we're honored to be joined by our first finisher,
your Sweet Peach race walking champion
and new world record holder, Reggie Bush.
- Reggie, how do you feel? - I feel fine.
I was walking. Where's that check?
I want my money.
Well, I agree with that. Tabitha, get him his money.
Hey. This is it.
Oh, this is what people are waiting for.
The main event.
You got this, Aunt Janet!
This is where you meet the wall. 20 miles down,
6.2 long miles to go. How are you holding up?
I'm good.
Ooh, that's not what you're body's saying.
I can see the salt building up on your rims, Patarita.
Jesus.
Mm, I didn't know you were kosher.
Oh, keep that head up, Tupat Shakur.
Look around you, brother!
It hurts like fire!
How you feelin', General Patton?
- I'm fine. - Oh, good.
Then this surge should be no problem, soldier.
Move out, move out! Weapons hot! Here we go! Move out!
Hey, hun, how about a push?
Kiki... What? No.
I'm not helping you with whatever this is.
What? My legs gave out, but my will is strong.
And so are my triceps.
I'm out.
I will finish!
Mark my words! Let's go.
Just quit. Forget about the bet.
You're gonna lose anyway.
That's right, Pat.
Miracles just aren't your skill set.
We both know you're going nowhere.
Don't listen. Keep going.
Oh, yeah, yeah! Oh! Oh, sorry, Pat.
I wanted a real man, not a boy.
- Oh, mm. - Oh!
He's the best lover in the lower 48.
No, it can't be.
Come on, Pat! Live your life a quarter mile at a time!
Dave?
You're almost there! Let's go!
- Dave. - Yeah, buddy!
I'm working security for the race.
Also, I didn't expect to see you this soon, man.
You're crushin' it.
Here. I got you some of this shit.
- Goo! - I guess.
- Thanks, buddy. I miss you. - Aw, don't mention it, man.
You already filled up my voicemail inbox.
It really warmed my heart.
Also, I am dying, okay?
Your boss is right up there. You got this!
Save your breath, okay?
Also, don't litter in front of me, okay? I'm security.
Now, go get that douche!
Go get him!
Uh.
Well, nearing the finish line is former race walking
world champion, Harry Hayes.
The whole world does this crap?
Yes, Reggie. Race walking is a real Olympic sport.
Jeff, they're devaluing your Olympian status.
I know. I-I know.
On your left! Move!
Go around! We have the right of way!
Eat my ass! I'm coming through!
Whoa!
No! Fuck me!
Oh, no! We have a runaway wheelchair athlete
headed downhill at pace.
Oh, shit!
- Get out of the way, Harry! - Kiki!
Run, Harry, run!
I will never run! Never!
For the love of God, just run!
Race walking ancestors, give me strength!
Damn!
It's all yours.
That dude shit himself!
Well, marathons are hard.
Emmy-winning analysis, Tabitha.
Jeff, you come into my house...
Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe.
I didn't run. I didn't run.
I know. I know.
- Hold on, baby. - Hold on, Kiki.
Kiki, stop it. I'm trying to help you.
Here we go.
We know each other.
Oh, oh.
Piece of shit.
Muscle spasm!
Ow, ow, ow! Punch it! Punch it! Ow, ow!
Hey, hey, Steve Pat Fontaine.
Steve Pat Fontaine, hi.
What is it, Spencer?
I just want to congratulate you on a race well run.
I mean, all that money going towards fighting feet cancer.
- Breast cancer. - Breast cancer.
You must feel like King Tit.
I don't know how I'm gonna break the news to the sad, little boys
in the prostate land, but...
Keep your share.
That money should go to fighting prostate cancer.
Oh, thank you, 'cause my family history does not bode well.
And this Nitro Venom is wreaking havoc on my internal organs.
I mean, I look like a nut sack.
I don't why I'm talking like this, Patty-Cakes,
but I've just got one question.
On the finish line, did I poop a little?
No, you're good.
Oh, good 'cause that would be embarrassing.
- Spencer. - Yeah?
I beat you.
Yeah, but Patty Longlegs...
All right, all right...
And that's how I got here... in a pretty normal way.
I just ran almost every day.
Because being in the race
is a hell of a lot better than watching from the sidelines.
♪ Right now, lick it good Suck this uh, ♪
♪ Just like you should My neck, my back ♪
♪ Lick my medal and my cast, uh ♪
I don't get it.
You know, 'cause I had plenty left in the tank,
so...
Well, you know, Olympic race walking is four miles longer
than a marathon.
Oh my God, that's it.
You're gonna be a race walker.
No, ew. God no. No. Ultra marathon.
Of course, I would need all new gear.
Hey Google, take a note,
head lamp, racing snorkle, closed-loop filtration in case
I have to drink my own urine. Blow darts for predators.
Oh, look, they have arugula salad.
- Wait, you're not seeing? - No, I'm not seeing anyone.
I'm not seeing anyone either.
- So what was your final time? - Two fifty-six.
Wait. Two fifty-six? Is that a world record?
- Yeah, yeah. - No, but it's good.
It's good. It's good.
What about you? Think you'll run another one?
Uh, let's see, I'm unemployed now,
so I have plenty of time to train
and I think I love running.
- Hmm. - Yeah.
It's good to know what I want finally and go after it.
On that note, you should get your tab
and we should get out of here.
Oh, uh, wow.
What makes you think I wanna go on a date with you?
Not a date, not a date. Um...
more of a post-marathon thing? I don't know.
Something... Something's different about you.
And, um, my endorphins are raging and...
Oh, uh, I would love to
probably more than anything, but, um,
can I take a rain check?
I, uh, have to go see about a guy.
Cool.
Hey, man, you're three hours late!
I'm sorry! I was having sex with Julie.
I tried to postpone it, but she wasn't having it.
Apparently, it's a post-marathon thing, so I had to do it,
but I wanted to do it. Do you know what I mean?
I was really lucky to be having sex with somebody like her,
so that's where I was.
Awesome!
Yeah, yeah, it was.
Dude, you just ran a marathon and had sex for three hours.
- How are you not asleep? - I don't know.
But I feel great.
Also, who is Julie?
Is she coming? 'Cause I could put some more pizza bagels in.
- Does she have a friend? - No.
- She has family! - She has family!
I hope it's a freaky stepmom!
Those are some of my favorite videos.
♪ You're awesome ♪
♪ What you will achieve ♪
♪ You're awesome ♪
♪ You just gotta believe ♪
♪ You're awesome ♪
♪ Every doubt, every mile ♪
♪ You're awesome ♪
♪ Gotta get what's your goal ♪
♪ You're the best ♪
♪ You're the bomb ♪
♪ You're awesome ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
You're awesome.