Mr Meacher's making an announcement in assembly today!
What?
I think he's gonna announce my three-tier campaign for change -
no-one having to look at food in the canteen
that makes them uncomfortable, the eradication of JK Rowling books
and the creation of a safe space for all to thrive.
EXCITED CHATTER
OK, OK, OK. 'Ey! Settle down.
The last thing we need is everyone spreading false rumours.
Chill.
Lad, the winner gets ten grand,
an A* GCSE of their choice and a free Big Mac.
That's boss, lad.
Could you not have told us after my shit, though?
Yeah, sorry. And it's a 9, not an A*.
I heard it's just an announcement about a new deputy head.
Meachy Day, he's calling it.
Proper dictator shit.
And it's gotta be Mrs Roberts, because she's blackmailing him
about exposing their affair. HE GASPS
Are we gonna be victims of an oppressor?
DISSENTING CHATTER No way!
Or are we gonna stand up and fight back?
Fight back!
So, who's with me? CHEERING
Hey, I heard he's gonna publicly expel you
as he's found out about all the deep fake porn
you've made of Mrs Roberts. LEWIS SCOFFS
Ooh. What are you on about, you?
Burn everything.
LEWIS CLEARS THROAT, LAUGHS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good morning, everyone.
As some of you may already be aware...
I wanted to use this assembly to...
Announce Ye Ma!
...discuss what it means to be part of Allsbrooke High School.
BOOING What was the point in that?
What about me Big Mac? Quiet.
This week marks the hundredth anniversary of our fine institution.
A hundred years of this school... THEY TITTER
...fuelling futures...
building friendships...
moulding minds.
So, in honour of this momentous landmark,
we are going to host a celebration this Friday,
where pupils - past and present -
can speak on how Allsbrooke has and will shape their legacies.
BOOING
Quiet down.
You all right? Yeah, I'm all right.
Are you all right? I'm all right.
Right. So, are you coming this thing on Friday, then?
Why?
Are you giving a TED Talk on how to successfully cheat on your fella?
No, I was thinking more of a TED Talk
on the dangers of online grooming.
Oh, well, you have fun with that, girl,
cos on Friday, I've got a date.
Yeah? Is he picking you up in the van an' all?
THEY MOCK-GIGGLE
♪ Do yourself a favour... ♪
Hello?
♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do... ♪
Hello?
♪ Do yourself a favour... ♪
'Careless Whisper'
♪ I'm never gonna dance again
♪ Guilty feet have got no rhythm
♪ Though it's easy to pretend
♪ I know you're not a fool
♪ I should have known better Than to cheat a friend
♪ And waste the chance That I've been given
♪ So I'm never gonna dance again
♪ The way I danced with
♪ Yoooou... ♪
...are not funny, Reece, and getting me here
under the promise of free dried apricots isn't funny either.
It was one kiss, lad. I didn't mean it.
I'm sorry. Lad, please.
BANGING Oh!
Oh, shit! Watch that bin
LAUGHTER
♪ I know that I'm your homie
♪ I ain't just gonna Let that go. ♪
Are you still up for this date, though?
I don't want you freaking out on me. 'I won't if you won't.
'But let's make it interesting, though.
'How about a bet?' Hm, go on, then.
I reckon you're gonna get about a ten.
She is way out of... ..his league-looks.
You going higher or lower?
'I was thinking more...
'I bet I can pick a better first date spot than you.'
You're on, lad.
'Anyway, I'm used to all of that "She's out of his league" looks.
'My ex was well fitter than you.'
♪ Don't lie, don't lie, don't lie. ♪
All right, Dad? I've got this thing at school, Friday evening.
I'm thinking of speaking at it.
It's about how school will shape my legacy.
I was just wondering if you wanna come down?
If not, no worries. Just... see you soon. Bye.
When was the last time you saw him?
Don't know. It's been a while.
I know you, lad.
I can see you're a mess.
You almost lost your best mate, Connor,
and then just when Chrissy was getting over the death of his ma,
you break his heart again by kissing his bird.
And now your dad brutally bins you off,
having already neglected you for the last...
All right, lad, Jesus Christ!
It's Allah, actually, but don't worry.
Lad, Mo's got a solution.
MO VOCALISES
Lad, what's that?
When you know the future, it's easier to prepare for it.
Come 'ead, pick a number.
This one's for your ma.
Five.
One, two, three, four, five.
Colour? Red.
Ooh...
Lad, your ma's gonna run away
with a waiter from Uzbekistan called Mustafo.
But he does leave you a PS5 with FIFA, though.
It's the blag version, like...
...the runnings and the kickings.
We're gonna figure this all out.
It's what mates do, innit?
Come 'ead.
Here's your menus.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hm, not bad, James. Not bad at all.
What, admitting defeat already? Oh, no.
This place is shite compared to the place that I've picked,
but good effort.
Well, it said online it's one of the best date spots in the city.
And clearly, one of the most expensive, too.
And there I was, thinking you were a regular.
SHE CHUCKLES, RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
He soon will be. Seriously, though, mate,
you know what the best thing is about this place?
Kids eat free.
HE LAUGHS
Yeah, kids eat free!
Why don't I get us a bottle, eh?
You're all right. You really don't have to.
Oi, waiter! Waiter! Waiter!
Er, I-I'm just gonna use the...
Yeah.
So, what's he getting you, then? What?
For going on a date with him?
Oh... No, that's not...
Don't worry, girl, we are all doing it.
Get on this...
He bought me this today from New Look in Bootle Strand.
Oh, g'wed. Mm-hm.
I mean, some girls get flown to Dubai for a Chanel bag,
but it seems like you're living the dream.
'Thanks, everybody, for coming to this,
'the hundredth anniversary of Allsbrooke School.
'Please make your way to the hall. The event will now commence.'
PHONE BUZZES
All right, Dad?
'Sorry I'm only getting back to you now, lad.
'Erm, look, I'm... I'm not gonna make your thing.
'It's not really my scene, all that emotional stuff and that.
'Maybe ask your ma, yeah? But I tell you what,
'you did stir something in me, though, with all that legacy chat.
'I was having a proper good think about my own mark on the world,
'and two words kept coming into my head...
'..top shagger.'
I'm sick of you, Dad!
Ah! What if I'm not doing enough?
Ella, you must keep going.
Without you, my world is full of plastic.
But what if I'm doing the wrong thing?
The only wrong thing is to turn a blind eye
to the suffering in the world.
But what if I don't wanna see
the destruction and misery of the world?
Ella, this is your gift.
You must use it.
Am I a voice to the voiceless?
Yeeeeeees...
a voice to any and all who need you.
Because we are one.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE Deranged, you, girl.
Get out, girl.
Get down, you scruff!
The turtles aren't gonna shag you, mate.
Ooh!
Hey, you keep your hands to yourself.
Hello, Allsbrooke. It's Ye Ma.
We've had our fun this year, haven't we?
But I'm tired of the games,
the secrets, t-the l-i-i-ies.
So, now...
..it's time...
for the final...
..reveal.
GASPING She's there.
Oh, my God.
Take it off. Take it off.
Take it off. Take it off. Take it off.
GASPING, CHATTER
It's Kieron. Lad, it's Kieron.
You little rat, lad. Wet wipe.
Yeah, it was me... Kieron Gibbons.
I am Ye Ma. Why'd you do it, lad?
Cos I'm sick of not being noticed,
of being nothing more than Lewis's right-hand lad.
That's not true, lad. Isn't it?
Mr Seven Wanks A Day taking in all the glory,
while I'm sat here tugging myself raw, doing ten a day,
and no-one gives a shite.
I give a shite, lad.
I see you wanking... Lewis, get down!
...and I see it for what it really is - a cry for help.
I see you wanking, lad.
Listen... I'm not perfect, mate.
Far from it.
Some might even say I'm a bit of a perv.
Yeah. 100%.
But together...
...we can help each other.
Together, we can be better.
HESITANT APPLAUSE
Wow, what a beautiful example of self-improvement,
overcoming toxic masculinity.
Hey! Play the video!
Hey, what's she doing?
What video? The video, the full thing.
Now! Are we gonna see it?
If this is what it takes to get you to believe me, then so be it.
MURMURING
Soon, you'll meet the right girl, and you'll want more, too.
You reckon? Of course you will.
Everyone loves you. I love you.
She's a bad slag, her.
What are you doing? I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
I love Christopher, Reece. He's your mate. I know.
I didn't mean anything by it.
Just go home, Reece.
'How do you "not mean" to kiss someone?'
You've fucked it, lad!
Aimee, I'm so sorry.
Well, it's a bit late for that now, isn't it?
Cos if I need to provide evidence every time something goes wrong,
if you can't trust me, then this isn't gonna work.
Unlucky, fella! Nothing to say, lad, no?
All right...
I admit you did pretty good with this one.
Pretty good?
It's perfect.
♪ You're just a shit Leo DiCaprio!
♪ Shit Leo DiCaaaaprio! ♪
LAUGHTER
Almost perfect. Hey, come here.
I found a list of essential first-date questions.
Whoa, hold on, didn't realise I'd signed up for an interview.
They're essential, James. The internet says so.
Right...
"If you could swap lives with any fictional character for the day,
"who would it be and why?"
Erm, Winnie-the-Pooh.
You know, just chilling, eating honey with the boys.
I'd sack off Eeyore, though, the little muppet.
THEY LAUGH
"What's the funniest memory you've created recently?"
Hm. Can I say, "Anytime I've been with you"?
You can.
Oh, here's a good one.
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
It's a big one, that. Is it?
Yeah, well, where do you see yourself in five years?
Er, in my mansion, swimming in all my e-sports money
and smoking cigars, obviously. Hm.
But, like, seriously, though, like. Do you ever think about that stuff?
Like, the future and all that?
Like, do you want to have kids? Settle down?
Er, calm down, we've only just met. You know what I mean.
Not now, but like...
do you think you will?
Well... probably not in five years, no.
There's so much that I wanna do.
Like, when I'm 21,
I'm gonna wanna see the world...
'State Lines' by Novo Amor
...try different jobs and... go on loads of adventures.
What?
It's just that...
when I'm 21, I...
I'm gonna want my world to get bigger, aren't I?
You'll be 30, and...
...you'll want your world to get smaller.
Just kids, a house, settle down.
We don't know the future. Yeah, I know that. But...
I do know that the longer that we do this,
the more painful it's gonna get.
What happened to not throwing this away cos we're scared?
It's not about being scared.
It's about just being brave enough to see what's coming.
All that stuff you said the other night?
I meant it. Like, I want this to work.
So let's make it work. It does work, but...
it doesn't matter how good things are now,
it's just never gonna be enough to deal with what's coming.
Please, don't do this.
You know, it's almost as if it's just out of our control
cos it's gonna happen, whether we like it or not.
That's why this has to end, James.
I'm sorry.
SHE SNIFFLES
Reece.
Did you put a poster up of Kim Jong Un,
saying he was an exchange student here in 1999?
Sorry. It was Paul Potts, wasn't it?
Pol Pot, Reece.
But I know it was you.
It had Reece Duffy written all over it.
Mind you, most of the pupils in this school
wouldn't have a clue who he was.
You see, I know you, Reece.
I know you because I used to be like you.
Always playing the fool for an easier life,
where nobody expected anything.
The trouble with that is,
you carry on like that out in the big wild world
and people believe that's who you are.
There's no going back.
Is that your speech?
REECE SIGHS
It was. Hm.
If anyone should make a speech, it's you, Reece.
There's no greater example of what this school's all about than you.
You've tried to exclude me six times.
Yeah, I know.
And you're still here.
Because this school believes in bringing out potential,
helping our pupils see the talent they have and not be scared by it.
So you suck up everything this school has to offer...
...and when you're older, you'll be glad you did.
Thank you, sir.
You're welcome.
By the way, you're on your final warning
for what you did on the museum trip.
What did I do?
I know it was you that told those Japanese tourists
that I'm... Morgan Freeman.
Hi. Hi, everyone. Erm...
I'm Mr Dunn, as you all know.
I'm your teacher. THEY MUTTER
Anyway, er, tonight, I am going to read a poem
that I wrote for someone
who has been with me throughout my Allsbrooke journey.
Someone who is very special to me.
It's called The Night She Needed Him Most.
A young boy
A young girl
A cycle of friendship to romance
To friendship once more
To the night she learnt her life Would change forever
The night where she was crippled With fear, panic
Worry for what the future held
But it was on this night That he... disappeared
Consumed with fears of his own
The years passed, and we grew
But whilst her fears Would disappear
His regret... lingered
Time moved forward
But he could only look back
Wishing he could do it All differently
Just wishing he could return
And be there for her On the night she needed him most.
What the hell was that? It didn't even rhyme.
I waited 16 years for that?
CLEARS HER THROAT Fuck off.
Did I miss the TED Talk?
What are you doing here?
Bunch of boring old dickheads giving speeches
about how this school turned them into boring old dickheads?
How could I miss that
THEY CHUCKLE
I ended things with James. What?
Because of me? No, girl, cos of me.
Hey, come on.
At least you managed to escape that van of his.
What the fuck?!
I knew something was going on.
Is this what you've been doing,
going round being a slag with old William Shitespeare?
Nah, fuck this.
Shit! Reece!
Reece!
Reece.
Don't make me run after you, lad.
And how dare you speak to me like that.
Sorry... Is that what you think of me, I'm a big slag?
No. Why?!
Because I'm going out - God forbid -
trying to have my own life, working another job?
What other job?
Mum? I'm a housing officer.
I got the job a couple of months ago.
That's why I've been so busy all the time.
Why didn't you tell me?
Because I was scared I was gonna fuck it up.
I don't want you to think that I'm a failure.
I'd never think that.
I know you'll absolutely smash it.
And even if you didn't, you'll never be a failure.
Not to me.
Look, Mum, I'm sorry for what I said.
It's just my head's been...
What? What's going on, son?
I just feel like everyone's moving on.
You, the lads.
Even my dad doesn't have time for me,
and he's not even been around long.
If everyone's moving on, where does that leave me?
Oh, love.
The day I had you was the best day of my life.
And just because I've gotta try and figure out
who I'm gonna be outside of being your mum,
doesn't mean I'm ever gonna stop being your mum.
I'm always going to be there for you, no matter what.
Do you understand me?
You listen to me, kid. Just because your dad is too thick
to realise what he's missing by not being in your life,
fuck him.
It's me and you, kiddo.
Always has been, always will be. OK?
I know. Yeah?
Mr Dunn, though?
SHE GIGGLES
Who are you, Mum?
APPLAUSE
We've come to the end of what's been quite a... unpredictable evening,
and I'd like to thank you all for coming along and helping... Sir.
Excuse me.
WHISPERING
You sure?
Well, to see us off,
a few final words from Reece Duffy.
Yes, lad!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, erm, we were asked to speak about the school
and how it's shaped our legacy.
But to be honest with youse,
apart from that absolute screamer I scored at lunchtime...
That was legendary, that, you know.
...I don't know what my legacy's gonna be.
So I've made this thing I wanna show youse instead.
I feel like it's more concrete,
more real, more present.
APPLAUSE
Hey, speaking of mings, look who's here.
"There is just no better feeling
"than being stuffed in every hole by three big, piping-hot cocks.
"One cock, injustice,
"two cocks, injustice.
"Three cocks? Justice."
Did you get that?
GASPS
CLAMOURING
MR DUNN SHOUTING
Ssh.
Reece?
Hey, sir! Following young girls into alleyways, are we now, sir?
No! Not getting any at home, are you, sir?
Wife physically repulsed by you, sir?
You prey on teenage girls cos you think you can manipulate us, sir?
Finally given in to your sick urges, have you now, sir?
I've been DBS checked, so... Dirty.
Oi, sir! "A young boy, a young girl."
Wow, sir, you're a nonce, you, you know.
Give me that back!
Delete that. Reece!
CLAMOURING
LAUGHTER
'Pony' by Ginuwine
Now, your journey is about pursuing excellence
in everything that you do,
whether it's in the classroom, sports field,
even in your friendships.
Excellence is not just about being the best.
It's about... SEXUAL MOANING
'Give me that bald head! Oh. Ah, yeah!'
Here we go. Reece Duffy, a wizard on the field.
Oh! The boys have done it again!
Oh!
Someone call the medic. Is he having a seizure?
Smile! Look at this mopper!
How do we feel about that, girls? Shut up, you posh wanker.
SEXUAL MOANING OK, very funny,
but can we all just... 'Give me a pearl necklace.'
Seriously! Mr Meacher is trying to...
GROANING 'Oh, please!'
If you all don't stop, I'm going to...
LAUGHTER 'Mr Meacher!'
Oh, my God, that's Mr Dunn. Is that a tear I see?
Crying, our lass.
Regretting your life choices, are you, sir?
Wasted your life on a career you're not cut out for, sir?
Just fuck off! Phillip!
Come and see me in my office.
THEY LAUGH
MOANING RESUMES
If you don't tell me who it is, I'm gonna come down so hard on...
LAUGHTER
Sir! Look behind you. Over there!
LAUGHTER
'Mr Meacher, let me rub that baldy head.'
Go on, girl, that's why your ma burnt her bra.
Go on! CHEERING
What was that? A Duffy?
Shh. Exactly. Ssh.
What now?
You're shit. You're shit. Shut up, you're shit.
Hang on... What's going on here?
ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS
She's gone.
♪ Aimee, she's gonna be The next Jodie Comer
♪ And Chrissy wants to bone her... ♪
THEY LAUGH
♪ Just walk away
♪ Mo Fassi... ♪ CHEERING
♪ A lad who's always Got your back... ♪
Know dat!
♪ Unless you steal His Asda mini flapjacks
♪ Just walk away, walk away
♪ Connor Bell
♪ His brain cells are sparse
♪ And they're obsessed With my ma's arse
♪ Just walk away, walk away
♪ Allsbrooke icons Is what they'll say
♪ It's what they'll say It's what they'll say
♪ Just walk away, walk away Walk away
♪ If you
♪ Have got a sexual disease
♪ You probably got it From Mia-Louise
♪ Just walk away... ♪ Fair.
♪ Walk away
♪ Chris-sy, the poshest muppet I've ever known
♪ But he's still one of our own
♪ Just walk away, walk away
♪ Allsbrooke icons Is what they'll say
♪ What they'll say Is what they'll say... ♪
One more. One more!
♪ Walk away, walk away, walk away
♪ Allsbrooke icons is What they'll say
♪ What they'll say What they'll say. ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lad, have you got a boner?
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Cos what I do know is that, right now, what we have is special.
It's special because these are the best years of our life.
Everything you feel,
you feel it more deeply than you ever will again,
cos you're feeling it for the first time.
Like...
...the first time you fall in love.
The first time you feel the pain of losing your best friend.
The first time you feel a bond you know you'll have forever.
The first time you feel valued by someone you look up to.
So let's not run away from it.
Let's run towards it, let's appreciate it,
let's embrace it.
Let's make the fucking most of it!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Reece! Reece! Reece! Reece!
'Rebel Rebel' by David Bowie
♪ Rebel rebel You've torn your dress
♪ Rebel rebel, your face is a mess
♪ Rebel rebel, how could they know?
♪ Hot tramp, I love you so!
♪ Don't ya? ♪
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