[music playing]
[christmas music]
EMILY (VOICEOVER): If you're not familiar with Evergreen Lane,
it is the most magical Christmas street in the whole world
with the most intense HOA rules imaginable.
My parents can take a lot of credit for that.
And somehow, the entire neighborhood is
on board for their craziness.
But they always had the best intentions.
I learned the hard way last Christmas.
And you know what?
I wouldn't trade that experience for the world.
I had such a wonderful time in this odd little lane
that I decided to make it my home again.
And I'm even dating the boy next door.
My quirky neighbors are now my family.
Hey.
EMILY (VOICEOVER): And this year, I am all in.
Actually, we're all in it together.
That looks so good. Thank you.
EMILY (VOICEOVER): Because if there's one thing I've learned,
the point of Christmas is to bring as much joy
to as many people as possible.
Go.
Hey, Dad.
Is that a camera?
No.
It's a theodolite.
It's for geological surveying.
EMILY: Oh.
You planning something big with your decorations this year?
Mind blowing.
Oh.
Attention all units.
This is Agent Sugarplum reporting an on time arrival
of the necessary nutcracker.
Over.
Just one sec.
You know the rules.
Come on.
36 inches from shoe to chapeau.
Seriously?
It's the same exact nutcracker as last year.
I'm just double checking.
What, making sure he didn't magically shrink
inside of his storage bin?
I'm making sure no one accuses me of giving my girlfriend
special treatment.
Oh.
Look at that.
You're in the clear.
Oh, so no citation.
Sadly, no.
I will settle for a kiss, however.
Do you think that I only kiss you to get out of citations?
Why do you think I keep writing them?
You know, I was thinking that if down the road,
we ended up on a more permanent basis--
Hmm.
I'm listening.
--then in that scenario, hypothetically, we'd only
have to decorate one house.
You mean we only get to decorate one house.
[cheery music]
Ned, you have to move that.
Men at work.
Enough with the PDA, you two.
You're making me sick.
Oh, come on.
You're way worse with Allan.
It's true.
Three more long and lonely weeks until he gets back.
But it's an El Nino year, so I'm not holding my breath.
Actually, it's a La Nina year, La Nina from the Spanish
for little girl.
It's the colder counterpart to the oceanic and
atmospheric phenomenon, which is known
as the Southern Oscillation.
Thank you, Ned.
If I had a meteorology merit badge,
I'd pin it on your parka.
You see what I'm dealing with? - Well, it's getting intense.
[opening credits]
(SINGING) Haul out the holly.
Put up the tree before my spirit falls again.
Fill up the stocking.
I may be rushing things, but deck the halls
again now for we need a little Christmas
right this very minute, candles in the window,
carols at the spinet.
Guess we need a little Christmas right this very minute.
It hasn't snowed a single flurry.
But Santa dear, we're in a hurry.
So climb down the chimney.
Put up the brightest string of lights I've ever seen.
Slice up the fruitcake.
It's time we hung some tinsel on that evergreen bough.
OK, everyone, get together.
Say evergreen on three.
1, 2, 3, evergreen.
Group hug.
EMILY (VOICEOVER): As you can see,
we're all very close, almost too close.
OK, that's good. Yeah.
EMILY (VOICEOVER): So when a house
goes up for sale on Evergreen Lane,
it causes quite the commotion.
I can't believe the Chapmans are gone.
Oh, I'm going to miss Nancy's snickerdoodles.
I blame myself.
She probably got tired of me absolutely
destroying her in the cookie contest
year after year after year.
I'm pretty sure her law firm transferred her to Seattle.
OK.
Tell yourself whatever you need to feel better, sweetie.
The real question is, are they up to the task
that awaits them, or are we going to have to go
medieval on their merriment?
Now, come clean, Farnsworth.
What are we dealing with here?
Ned, I am in the dark on this one.
The realtor filed the HOA paperwork.
How mysterious.
I wonder who it could be.
MARY LOUISE: Wait a minute.
I think I know how we can get to the bottom of this.
OK.
AI ASSISTANT: What would you like to know?
Who's moving into the house next door?
AI ASSISTANT: The House Next Door
is a 2002 thriller directed by Joey Travolta.
Sorry, Mary Louise.
I don't think the technology is quite there yet.
Well, they knew when Sizzler was open.
Listen, I'm sure whoever moves in, they're
going to be wonderful.
Yeah.
Oh, I just hope it's not the couple we saw the other day.
Why? They seem so nice.
They seem nice, but I suspected
insufficient holiday spirit.
Oh, how so?
They were wearing beanies with no pompoms.
- Exactly. - Wait.
Seriously?
What does that have to do with anything?
Ned, you want to take this one?
Pompoms are jocular, like a corncob pipe,
like a Christmas pendant, like cookies for breakfast.
They convey a sense of playfulness,
ergo, holiday spirit.
If you choose to wear a winter hat
and also choose not to wear a pompom,
it is a dead giveaway you're a Grinch in hiding.
Glad I'm not a Grinch.
Don't get cocky, kid.
You still got a long way ahead of you.
Where's your pompom?
[yelps ]
PAMELA: Well done, Emily.
The student becomes the teacher.
Thank you.
[cheery music]
Some holiday treats for the HOA meeting.
Aww. That was so sweet of you.
Thanks for doing that.
You're welcome.
I'm also hoping to buy a little forgiveness.
- For what? - I can't make it.
Again? Why?
I have a meeting with the Millers about the remodel.
Do you think you can cover for me?
Of course, I can. But--
Any questions anybody has, they can call, text, email.
I will take care of it.
I think you forgot singing telegram.
Absolutely, unless it's Pamela.
What's wrong?
OK, I'm going to say it.
I don't feel like you're prioritizing Christmas.
Emily Melrose, the woman I had to citate last year to come
to my white elephant party? - I know.
But now I am all in.
And I just want to know that we're all in together.
Oh, I am all in.
Believe me.
I just have this one last thing to do.
Trust me. - All right.
OK. All right.
Oh.
Going to need this.
All right.
A lot of nuts.
[pensive music]
JARED: I have so much to do.
I just haven't been this nervous since HOA election night.
It's probably best if you keep that between us.
The stakes are so high.
I just don't want logistics to mess it up.
This is supposed to be the most exhilarating
moment of your life, Jared.
You sound like you're planning a block party.
Please.
I've planned many a block parties in my day, Jess.
But I've never had a coordinate a horse and buggy, a string
quartet, a glassblower, an ornamental locksmith,
and an Austrian composer to write original Christmas
music so that--
Maybe we should think about simplifying the plan.
I may be a simple man, but I do not make simple plans.
It's just the holidays are stressful as it is.
You're adding a million things to your to-do list.
But I'm sure that Emily would be ecstatic if you
just got down on one knee.
Ooh.
Knee pads.
Thanks for the reminder.
Hi.
JARED: Oh.
Thanks, Joe.
Wow.
Jared, that is beautiful.
You think so?
Definitely a fit for the future queen of Evergreen Lane.
Well, I could cry just thinking about it.
So you think she'll like it?
She's been describing her ideal wedding ring
since seventh grade Home-Ec.
Trust me, this passes the test.
How many points are in these donuts?
[anticipatory music]
All right.
Should we get started?
WOMAN: Yes.
Where's the Christmas "cruel-ler"?
You all know I have lifetime dibs on the Christmas cruller.
Well, maybe there wasn't one.
Jared always gets at least one Christmas cruller for me.
It's pronounced "cruh-ler," OK?
And Jared isn't here, so please, Ned, just let it go.
Pamela's right. Jared couldn't be here.
But he said if any of you have questions, please
feel free to reach out to him.
Oh, reach out?
Touch someone?
Oh, what a world we live in.
Dear Jared.
OK, this is not pastry-gate, Ned.
We've got important business to do here.
I'm sorry, you guys.
Jared's notes are a mess.
I really can't make heads or tails of what needs to be done.
It's going to be fine.
I think Jared has everything under control.
Well, just the tree lighting is in two days.
And I don't know which volunteers
are supposed to be doing what.
I'm available tomorrow morning.
Thank you, Bob.
That means around 11:40 AM for him, FYI.
Got it.
Technically, that's still morning.
I should have gone through this more carefully
with Jared beforehand.
OK, then what are we doing here?
Certainly not enjoying a Christmas cruller.
I will give you 1,000 crullers if you
stop saying it like that.
That is the exact pronunciation
from North Hamburg.
Hold on, everybody.
Delores from the notary office is snapping me.
Hold on.
You snap?
Yeah, my grandson taught me.
Oh, this will be fun.
Oh.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, wow.
Spit it out, woman.
Oh, my golly.
My Jiminy Crickets.
Oh, I can't believe it.
What is it?
The people moving into the house are the Jolly Johnsons.
[cheering]
Can you believe it?
Don't you toy with me about my JJs.
Who are the JJs?
I'm not kidding.
They're moving in next Wednesday morning.
That's less than 39 hours from now.
Oh, can you believe it?
We're famous.
We're not famous.
They're famous.
You guys, who are the Jolly Johnsons?
ALL: What?
Wow.
I thought we were friends.
Jolly Johnsons are the reigning
champions of Ho Ho House.
Ho Ho House?
OK, stop it. Please.
You're just embarrassing yourself.
You know what?
I have a picture.
OK.
Yeah.
Here they are.
Oh.
How'd you pull those up so fast?
I might have recently printed them
out to put on my vision board.
Is there a problem?
Only if you don't share them with me.
The resolution is spectacular.
So they're reality show celebrities?
I don't think the word celebrity
really does them justice.
More like nobility.
Royalty.
Nailed it, Mary Louise.
And didn't even have to ask your phone.
I wonder if Jared knows who they are.
I mean, do you have any idea how important
the Johnsons are to me? - No.
And we've been together a while, so I find that a little weird.
Yeah.
Sorry for bingeing the last season without you.
I just thought you wouldn't understand.
No, I actually really don't understand.
Can you enlighten me? - I can.
They're my holiday idols, OK?
They set the bar for suburban Santology.
Can you imagine the roof cred they're going
to bring to Evergreen Lane? - Roof cred?
Is that a good thing? - It's the best thing.
I got to call your dad. - Oh, I told him.
And I told him you'd call him after you got your project
sorted with the Millers.
Oh, the Millers.
Yeah, the Millers.
You know, the reason you had to miss the HOA today.
Yes. Yeah.
Yeah.
In fact, I'm all done with that. Isn't that great?
That's great because now you can focus on the HOA
and making sure that Christmas is perfect.
Now that the Jolly Johnsons are moving in,
it's going be more than perfect.
I don't think anything can be more perfect than perfect.
Just you wait.
Oh.
This is great.
All right.
Dun, dun, da, dah.
What do you think of this year's choices?
Am I still Santa?
Of course.
Well, it's more perfect than perfect.
I love it.
What do you mean distracted?
Well, he just has so much on his plate already with the HOA,
I'm just worried that these new neighbors are going
to throw him off his game.
I told him to keep it simple yesterday.
Wait. You saw him yesterday?
Yeah, it was totally random.
I saw him--
I saw him, and we talked not about anything important.
Just like small talk.
Christmas stuff.
Where were you?
At the-- the store, the grocery store, Smiths.
Yeah, we just bumped into each other.
I literally just stocked his fridge.
He was getting lunch.
Yeah, at the deli.
He was getting a sandwich.
And I was telling him, keep it simple with the sandwich,
Jared.
You know how he gets the meats, and the cheeses,
and the toppings?
He's like mayo, mustard, onions.
It's not about the sandwich.
What it is about is the family moving in.
I really think that it's going to help
keep him less distracted.
Well, I think it's having the opposite effect.
He was rehearsing for two hours yesterday how he's
going to greet them tomorrow.
He did?
Yes, for accents, costume changes, musical numbers.
- Oh, god. - I know.
It's getting intense.
Maybe having a family as jolly as the Johnsons will help
keep him inspired to really crush Christmas.
In a neighborhood as intense as ours,
I'm a little worried about what exactly is going to be crushed.
I'm worried too.
Right?
Yeah.
[cheery music]
What'd you bring?
My famous peppermint bark.
Power move.
I like it. JARED: A pleasure to meet you.
Wait. You're not English.
Let's do formal. No, no, no.
It's great to meet you too.
Why would it be great to meet me?
I'm a nobody.
They're famous.
What are you doing?
What?
Loosening up.
Jared, they're just people like you and me.
Just be yourself.
I can't.
Myself is lightheaded, and my vision's blurry.
It's OK.
NED: We have a visual.
Prepare to engage full jolliness.
Let's go.
Here they come.
Bob, try not to talk too much, OK?
All right.
[cheery music]
I'm telling you, they just pulled in.
They're here.
You're in my shot.
OK.
Ned, nobody cares about your home videos.
I'm FaceTiming my Aunt Kathy.
But this is going on the time capsule.
You're a time capsule.
Get a load of this.
It's a bona fide welcoming committee.
Welcome.
Don't mind me, just documenting for posterity.
Eat it, Aunt Kathy.
Now do you believe me?
I'm sorry.
I hate to do this.
But can you please put the cameras away?
We feel sheepish even saying this.
But all media requests have to go through our agent.
Of course.
No problemo.
So silly of us.
Hey.
I'm Emily.
I live right next door.
And this is Jared.
He is our HOA president.
Great to meet you both.
Likewise.
Is something wrong with his face?
He's just a big fan.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Don't treat us any differently.
We are a normal family just like anyone else.
We don't want any special treatment.
So tell me, Mr. Pres, what's the most important thing we need
to know about Evergreen Lane?
Oh.
Uh, I'm glad you asked, Joe.
I think the most important thing is to know
that we're all a family here.
And we are here for each other, no matter what.
That is the best beppermint park you've ever had.
That wasn't right, was it?
Peppermint bark is what I meant.
- We know you did, buddy. - You OK?
You got this?
You want to take it again?
We make sure we make Christmas as great as possible
for as many people as possible.
And we faithfully abide by the well-crafted
rules and regulations of our homeowners association.
It's a special edition.
Hand-sewn with vegan pleather and a foreword
written by me, Pamela Bevans.
[cheery music]
It really is our honor to welcome you to Evergreen
Lane and its esteemed HOA.
We actually have a meeting tomorrow.
I know you only just arrived, so if you need to get settled,
we understand. - Oh, we'll be there.
Oh, great.
And you're just in time because we're
going to light the famous Evergreen
Lane Christmas tree tonight.
That little guy?
It's bigger in the picture, isn't it, sweetheart?
But it'll do.
Either way, we'll be there. Right, gang?
Yeah.
You bet.
In the meantime, enjoy the cheery
charity of Santa's Helpers.
And we'll have you guys moved in in two wrinkles of the nose.
That will be a lifesaver, especially when
the second truck gets here.
Two trucks?
That's over 100 cubic meters of furniture.
Oh, the second truck is just for decorations.
You have an--
an entire truck dedicated to Christmas?
Not just Christmas.
Thanksgiving. - Flag Day.
Memorial Day.
Labor Day.
Valentine's Day.
We even have something for leap year.
Wee!
I'm in the presence of greatness.
Well, we'd love to have you guys over for dinner
if you have a free night sometime soon.
How's 7:00 PM sharp tomorrow?
Jimmy has rehearsal for Christmas Carol,
so it'll just be the two of us.
And I'll send you my list of allergens.
OK, great.
Great.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah, in the bathroom.
That's the living room.
Thank you so much. JANE: In the second living room.
Yeah, thank you.
Oh, for sure.
Oh.
What a nice welcome.
I think we may have really hit the jackpot
as far as neighborhoods go.
Not as good as yours, Mom.
Thanks, sweetie.
I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone.
I just hope that they aren't offended by how enthusiastic
we are about Christmas.
Yeah, maybe we should ease into it a little bit, just
so we don't show everybody up right away.
[laughter]
MARY LOUISE: (SINGING) Johnny wants a pair of skates.
Suzy wants a dolly.
Nellie wants a storybook.
She thinks dolls are folly.
As for me, my little brain isn't very bright.
Choose for me, dear Santa Claus what you think is right.
[cheering]
Bravo.
Oh. Come on, guys.
Give it up again for Mary Louise.
[cheering]
Jolly, indeed.
Speaking of jolly, I have a very special announcement
to make to all of you, the newest
members of Evergreen Lane, Joe, Jane,
and Jimmy Johnson of the Jolly Johnsons.
[cheering]
So as you guys know, at the beginning of December,
we light the Evergreen Lane Christmas tree.
You didn't last year.
We absolutely lit it last year, Ned.
Two weeks late.
You have to let it go, Ned. You have to let it go.
We have to move on from this. - Please.
He still can't get over Watergate.
He was framed.
- Oh, was he? - Moving on.
Thank you guys for being here.
As your HOA president, I want to assure you
that these festivities are going to be as wonderful,
if not more wonderful than last year.
Also, there will be a meeting 9:00 AM
tomorrow to discuss further festivities
at the lovely Pamela's house.
It's a shoes-off house, people,
so please plan accordingly.
You know who you are.
JARED: OK, let's light this tree.
[cheering]
[festive rock music]
[cheering]
When I say jolly, you say Johnsons.
Jolly. ALL: Johnsons.
JOE: Jolly.
ALL: Johnsons.
When I say merry, you say Christmas.
Merry. ALL: Christmas.
Merry.
ALL: Christmas.
JOHNSONS: Jolly Johnsons!
[cheering]
Hello, Evergreen Lane.
[cheering]
I'm so excited to be here for Christmas this year.
And we are so thankful for the warm welcome.
And we can't wait to celebrate the holidays with all of you.
But first--
Honey, it's their Christmas tree lighting.
[laughter]
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to upstage anyone.
Sorry about that.
Goes like that or something?
I'm so sorry.
Let's get this lit!
[cheering]
Happy holidays.
OK, let's count it down.
ALL: 3 2, 1.
[cheering]
All right.
Well, that was a cute start.
But are you guys ready to really get this party started?
[cheering]
[festive music]
Can you believe this?
[excited chatter]
PAMELA: I want to show you something.
JANE: Oh, OK.
PAMELA: So my great grandmother, who
taught me everything I know about crafting,
felted this stocking when she was 97.
Oh, she used a seed stitch to finish.
Pretty unusual, don't you think?
She should have used a rip stitch because that
would have held up better.
Oh.
JANE: Yeah.
Hey, do you want to see how much
room we can get between us?
I'm used to sitting in coach.
OK.
I'm not.
Sorry.
JARED: OK, let's get started. - Oh.
We're going to start?
You know what?
She was-- she was older, so her eyesight was going.
She probably did a-- a lot of big stitches.
You know what?
She's not my favorite grandma, anyway.
She's made a lot of bad choices. - I can see that.
- Belinda, move please. - Excuse me.
It's my house, all right?
I just want to sit here.
Yeah, you're right. I'll take it down.
Hey, everybody.
Thank you so much for being here, especially you two.
Keep it together, Jared.
OK, we've really made an effort to expand
this year's Christmas Carnival, tried to invite
as many people as possible.
And Emily has really come up with some great activities
for the kids.
Right, babe?
That's right, babe.
We are going to have a Christmas craft house and a cookie
decorating station.
And of course, we're going to have the annual toy
drive for the community.
Thank you so much, Belinda, for spearheading that.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
Yes, and to expand on that some brand new activities
leading up to the big day.
I've had to rework the schedule just a bit,
but I think I figured it all out.
So on the 20th, in the morning, we
are going to have the cookie contest
followed by the snowman tableau/snowball fight.
[jane clears throat] Oh.
Yes, Jane?
Isn't that usually the next day?
Yes, you're right.
But I had to move some things around to make
room for our new event--
get ready-- the sleigh ride around the loop.
The kids are going to love it. - It's going to be so fun.
EMILY: Joe, yes?
What about the bakers who also want to compete
in the snowball fight?
Aren't you worried about finger fatigue?
JANE: Yeah, it's a real thing.
The crafting world is very concerned about it.
I really don't think that baking a few cookies
is going to, you know, kick anybody
out of the snowball fight.
It's not so much the baking, actually.
It's the decorating that really gets you.
JANE: Yes, he's right. He's so right.
I mean-- - Oh, that's a great example.
Look at her hands. - Wait.
What? Why?
- The chapped knuckles. - Oh.
I see what-- I see what he means.
JANE: I mean, they're large.
Let's be nice. OK.
You know what?
I'm going to-- I'm going to think about all that.
But for now, plan on both of them being on the 20th.
[jane clears throat]
Jane, you don't really have to keep raising your hand.
Do you-- do you have another question?
I do.
Yeah.
So it says here--
Where are you?
JANE: Section two, article 4.1.
There shall be no limitations on the style,
nor the ingredients of the cookie competition.
- That's right. - Yeah.
Sorry.
My dad is just going to lose his mind.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
He should do more crossword puzzles and Sudoku.
Oh, no, he's fine.
I just mean he wrote that rule, and you just read it.
And he's a huge fan.
Cute.
Can you tell him I want to amend this one?
What?
Because the winner of the cookie competition for
the last seven years in a row-- - Thank you.
--has been winning on the same recipe.
What's-- what's wrong with that?
Well, don't you want to give others a chance?
Well, maybe if others came up with something as good
as my pecan stockings, then maybe others
would have a chance.
Right.
But a true cookie competition is all
about execution and decoration.
And we should all be using the same recipe.
OK, did Ned put you up to this?
I have not said word one, but Jane's got my wheels a-turning.
OK, says the guy who's been gunning for my trophy
since he had hair.
Hey, it's what's in the head, not what's on the head.
Yeah, well both lacking.
Guys.
Guys, I can assure you, there's no collusion going on.
We're just trying to ensure parity
in the cookie competition. - Parity.
Yes, and all the elite HOAs, they have similar stipulations.
OK, well we are an elite.
[all speaking at once]
Did she say we eat?
Elite.
Did she say we're not elite?
We've been elite.
Your father created this HOA. We've always been elite.
We're like everybody else.
We are who we are, which is Evergreen Lane.
And we have ways of doing things.
People, people, people, it's too late in the season
to be changing rules.
She's right.
Well, actually, not really because it says right here,
section seven, article one, contest rules are up
for revision, provided there is a majority of members in favor.
Shall we put it to a vote?
I nominate Jane Johnson.
- This is not an election, Ned. - Oh.
Everyone in favor say, aye.
PAMELA: OK, we're not voting.
Jared, don't you raise your hand.
If you say aye, that's the last word.
Jared, you want to do something about this?
Jane makes an excellent point.
But I do think it would be--
(WHISPERS) Unwise.
--unwise to have a rule change without everyone present.
Right.
Everyone is present.
I meant everyone has presence.
Yes.
Like at my annual white elephant party.
But that's after the cookie contest.
Ned, nobody cares.
Time is an illusion.
[all speaking at once]
Section seven, article one, point C, any and all changes
made to the events, contest, or rules
are to be determined before the annual tree lighting ceremony.
Yes, we can't.
I wish we could change it, but we can't.
So if I win, I win.
Thank you, babe.
I am so glad you remembered that.
Your dad would have loved us so much.
Do you think the Johnsons were impressed?
I think they were impressed.
I was impressed.
I really wish this was on videotape.
I just think it's your first HOA meeting.
Just come and make nice, you know?
Uh-huh.
I mean, I barely got through one day of the holiday calendar
before she hijacks the whole meeting
to talk about changing the HOA rules,
rules that my father wrote.
One horse, two horse, four.
Why can't I have three horses?
What'd you say?
Nothing.
About what?
What do you think about what I said?
I agree 100%.
So what should we do?
About what?
Jared, about the Johnsons.
Oh.
Uh, right.
Look, I think we just give 'em a minute, you know?
She was probably just nervous.
You remember your first HOA meeting.
Yeah.
I think I showed up in my pajamas.
I was super Grinchy.
And look at you now.
Aww.
Just don't ever let me be a Grinch, OK?
Oh, you, I'm not worried about.
I think your little heart grew four sizes at Christmas.
All right.
They're going to be here in 10 minutes.
I really need your help.
You invited them to dinner. That's right.
Yeah. You didn't forget, did you?
No, I didn't forget.
I think I was just in shock that they said yes.
I should change. Do I smell?
I should probably wear something more formal, right?
You look great. Just breathe.
And bring the appetizers to the rotunda room, please.
I have to powder my buche de Noel.
OK.
[doorbell rings]
They're here.
You ready?
This is a panic attack.
I'm having a panic attack.
Hi.
[cheering]
EMILY: Come on in.
- This is for you. - Oh.
Thank you so much. Here.
Take off your coats.
We're going to have some appetizers.
That is what I call a buche de Noel.
Well, what do you call what I made?
This is great, honey.
But look how buche-y it is.
You know, Jane gets so carried away with her piping,
I haven't seen her since yesterday.
Oh.
You have been just as busy decorating the house all day
trying to upstage the new neighbors.
OK, it's true.
I have a little bit of a competitive streak.
Oh.
It's too bad Jimmy couldn't make it.
He's so adorable. - Oh.
Thank you.
He takes after me.
Nothing wrong with a little friendly competition.
I mean, I was a little bit jealous when
you guys came up on the stage, not
that I didn't want you there.
But you know, up on the housetop, it's--
it's kind of my song.
Oh, is that so?
Yeah.
No, I mean, the whole town kind of knows me as I'm the go-to
Kris Kringle guy, so--
A fellow NSA man, I reckon, huh?
NSA?
Norwegian Santa's Academy, class of '02.
What year were you?
I-- I didn't graduate from there.
I've never heard of it.
I'm not surprised.
The program's invite only, so only
a very small percentage of the population
even knows it exists.
Honey, stop bragging.
I'm sure Jared cares about Santa in his own special way.
So what were we talking about again?
Oh, yes. Jimmy wanted to be here tonight.
But when news of us moving into the area caught on,
the Hale Center Theater reached out to him with the iconic role
of Tiny Tim.
That's great.
I auditioned for Tiny Tim when I was his age.
Oh, no, no, no, he didn't have to audition.
Have you seen how many followers he has on TikTok?
That production is lucky to have him.
Oh, I bet. JOE: Hey.
Listen.
I need to apologize for embarrassing you.
That's technically against the Kringle Creed, so I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
No-- no need to apologize.
I'm really read up on the North Pole.
I mean, it's probably the exact same curriculum, so--
OK. EMILY: Hey.
You know what? Why don't we have a drink.
Jared makes the most wonderful candy cane cocktails.
I do. Yeah.
Oh, you do, huh?
Yeah.
How long do you infuse your vodka with peppermint?
I just use a dash of schnapps.
Interesting.
I infuse for four weeks.
Oh.
I have an idea.
What if we mix them both up and do a little taste test, huh?
What a great idea.
All right.
OK, off with your head.
Oh, these are very cheap glasses.
They're very cheap.
They're glass, though, surprisingly.
All right.
Let's start with the good stuff.
Wow.
This is, uh-- this is going to be fun.
The funnest.
Cheers.
ended up being a nice dinner. - See?
First impressions aren't everything.
I guess if they were, Jared and I
probably wouldn't be together.
That's for certain.
They're just so crazy competitive.
It's like every single thing we said
had to be one-upped by them.
- Sounds exhausting. - It is.
I mean, I guess, the fame has really gone to their head.
Their show is on cable TV, like, deep cable, a cable
channel nobody's ever heard of.
Well, other than the entire neighborhood
and your whole family.
And my nana from Buffalo.
I had never seen one episode of this show
before Jared made me binge watch three
seasons of that insane over the top madness of a show.
[happy music]
Hi.
I was-- I was just talking about you.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
This is my best friend, Jess.
Jess, this is our new neighbor, Jane.
Can I get a selfie with you, actually?
Of course.
Christmas cheer.
Thank you.
We were just out shopping.
What's up?
I just wanted to come by and say last night was so lovely.
Thank you again.
We had a great time too.
And when I got home, I was thinking,
you know, at that HOA meeting, you didn't really get
a chance to finish talking about the schedule changes
you wanted to.
Oh.
Right.
You know, I will leave you two to it.
What?
I can stay.
You should.
I made a new schedule.
Yeah.
Now, I never really saw yours.
But from what I gathered, I think we can both agree
that mine is much cleaner.
Cleaner.
I added a bunch of fun new activities,
a lot of competitions to really spice things up.
That's the thing.
I don't really think Christmas is a spicy holiday.
Don't limit yourself.
You really need to think big.
Do I, though?
So I added this speed wrapping race
in between the cookie contest and the snowman tableau.
I'm sorry.
Speed wrapping?
For presents.
It'll be so much fun.
And then I also added an ice sculpture
competition and a best decorations
contest Christmas Eve.
Why don't you email me the schedule,
and then I'll run it by Jared.
And I'll get back to you.
I already emailed the entire HOA this morning,
so it should be in your inbox.
You did?
And everyone loved it, according to the online survey
that I sent as well.
I guess I better check my inbox.
- Yeah. - I'll get right on that.
Great.
Cute little nutcracker, by the way.
I wouldn't really call it little.
Oh, you would if you were me.
Looking good.
So what's your take on second impressions?
I, for one, am inspired.
[cheery music]
She created a brand new schedule
and sent it to everyone.
The nerve of some people.
Did you read it? Be honest.
I can take it.
What'd you think?
There was way too much competition for my taste.
Thank you.
The speed wrapping idea, I liked.
Really?
Yeah.
I even downloaded Eminem's Christmas album to practice.
- Oh. - Prove it.
(RAPPING) Through the snow, I'm
dashing down the chimney crashing
and looking for the cookies that the kids been stashing.
Uh, Mary Louise, I don't think that's what
she meant by speed wrapping. - Mm.
Mm.
Mm Mm.
I can't wait.
What does Jared think about all this?
He's been so preoccupied with work,
he hasn't had time to deal with it.
But he was really impressed with the organization.
He's right.
I mean, did you see how she color coded time
slots for volunteers? I mean--
OK, that's not helpful.
Game recognizes game.
So what do I do?
I mean, all that hard work I did is just wasted?
I just give in to her?
You leave it to me, peaches.
I have dealt with my share of Jane Johnsons in my day.
She just needs a little Pamela push back,
and she will wilt like a poinsettia in the summer.
Come on.
Let's do it.
Belinda, you got this, right?
Wait.
What?
So Mary Louise, what are you going
to wear to this rap battle?
Just a minute.
What's going on here?
It looks like everyone else is fed up too.
Hi, ladies.
Are you coming here to sign up for a volunteer position?
Back of the line.
Cool your coveralls, Ned. We're not in line.
Jane, I thought we agreed.
I was going to go over all of your suggestions with Jared
and then get back to you.
Yes, but there's just so much bureaucracy,
so I just thought I would start things rolling.
And look, everyone's thrilled.
Oh, I wouldn't say everyone.
It's real close to everyone.
Ugh.
By the way, you three should submit your votes for
the improved cookie contest.
Excuse me?
No, we discussed this at the meeting.
You have missed the deadline for changing
the rules of the contest.
True.
But it does say that I can add a new event
any time as long as I get a majority
of the members voting for it.
And I submitted an online proposal,
and it is going great.
Is it close?
We already have a supermajority.
What's the point of voting?
Voting isn't just a right.
It's a privilege.
Preach, sister.
Pamela, you got to do something.
I got you.
Jane, I've thought a lot about this.
And I have just one question for you.
Is this Mesopotamian papyrus?
I'm glad you noticed.
Oh, my goodness.
This scroll is exquisite.
I mean, I've heard tell of this in some of my studies
in college, but it's gorgeous.
Do you beat your own reeds?
Thank you for noticing.
Do you use a quill or a metal nib?
I do quill, metal nib ambidextrously, of course.
Oh, my god.
EMILY: You should have seen Pamela.
She just melted like she was standing in front
of the great and powerful Oz.
Could you blame her?
She's really intimidating.
But she did have some really good ideas.
The neighborhood is excited.
When did her schedule become the schedule?
It's not. It's not.
I was just saying.
I have worked on this thing for months,
and she just waltzes in here like the sugarplum fairy
and just tears it apart. - I know.
And I do agree.
I'm just-- I'm just really stressed.
I'm really far behind.
I mean, if the neighborhood knew that we were
in the teens of December and I didn't
have my flagship tree decorated, talk about scuttlebutt city.
It's OK.
It's our little secret.
I know you're stressed.
And I just--
I'm sorry, but I just really need you right now.
I'm here for you. I promise.
OK, good.
So maybe just as HOA president, you
can go over there and sit them down and just
explain the rules to them.
Jane knows the rules better than I do.
Fine. I'm going to do it.
Yeah, I'm a Melrose.
I can do this.
I can-- I can channel my parents.
I'm going to go over there.
I'm going to tell them that here on Evergreen Lane,
we like to cooperate.
I love that about you.
But I'm the president, and that's
the president's responsibility.
Oh, good.
I was feeling really panicky just thinking about doing that.
All right. Perfect.
You do that, and I will finish decorating the tree.
Great.
[pensive music]
So good.
Jared.
Hmm? Oh.
Right now?
OK.
I'll be right back. - OK.
Bye.
Good luck, Mr. President.
[cheery music]
What is taking him so long?
[distant holiday music]
Welcome to the party.
Hi.
Jared, your better half is here to join the party.
Right.
Hey, babe.
Hey.
This was-- this was fun, but we have--
we have a thing.
That's why I'm here, the thing.
Right. Thank you for your hospitality.
This was awesome.
You're going to have to jam some other time.
Oh.
Well, we are (SINGING) ho-ing down for a jam.
[cheering]
JOE: Come on, guys.
Call the harmony.
Look at this photograph.
That thing always makes me laugh.
Such a fun night, babe.
Looks like we're in the presence
of a fellow Nickelbacker.
(WHISPERS) She's obsessed.
Was this the secret Christmas concert?
How in the world did you get tickets?
Well, it turns out they're big, big fans of the show.
So Chadwick reached out and asked if we wanted floor seats.
Chadwick?
--a.k.a the Krog-meister.
No, it's silly, but I gave all my besties nicknames.
[serious music]
Are you best friends with Chad Kroeger?
Well, we timeshare at a lake house with him, so yeah.
I'm going to take that back.
OK, babe?
Yeah.
Anyway, this was so much fun.
Let's do it again.
JOE: Don't be strangers.
No, it was fun.
You ready?
I'm ready, guys. Let's do this.
- Yeah. - On my count.
Ready? Here we go.
1, 2.
1, 2, 3, 4.
That was fun, wasn't it?
- What just happened? - Oh, that?
You had an extreme case of FOMO.
No, I'm over that for now.
What I'm not over is you didn't do anything I asked.
I did tell them that their Christmas decor
was really coming along and--
did that not count?
Jared, I was counting on you to stand up
for decency, for your role as president of the HOA,
and for me.
You're right, Emily. I'm-- I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened.
Just they're so beguiling.
They're like you.
I'm really tired. I'm going to go to bed.
I can make you a hot chocolate.
We can talk about it a little more.
No, not tonight.
The hot chocolate window has officially closed.
Oh.
It's kind of early.
We're closed.
I love you.
And I love you.
You're-- you're sure, right?
I'm sure.
[serious music]
But if we don't have a cello that is not a string quartet,
it's a string tri-tet.
Say again?
Yeah.
(SINGING) When the snow lay round
about, deep and crisp and--
I have to call you back.
(SINGING) Brightly shone the moon that night,
though the frost was cruel, when a poor man came in sight,
gath'ring winter fuel.
Ned.
(SINGING) Hither page and stand by me--
Om.
Hey, Ned.
Namaste.
You do yoga?
Cold yoga.
My chakras aren't going to align themselves.
Am I right, or am I right?
I don't know.
Is this your gnome?
Actually, let me rephrase it.
Are all of these your gnomes?
No, but I do know to whom they belong.
Who?
Joe Johnson set them up at 2:00 in the morning.
How do you know that?
Because I have a secondhand Yugoslavian
security system using KGB motion infrared technology.
Infrared never fails.
That sends you alerts?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
At that hour, I usually just watch the live feed.
It's scintillating.
And you don't have a problem with this music just blaring
through our neighborhood like this?
Why do you think I'm doing yoga?
Yeah, that's not yoga.
(SINGING) Deck the halls with boughs of holly.
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
'Tis the season--
Hello, Joe.
Hey.
Jingle Jared, I'm glad you're here.
I was just about to test out the old Christmas lights.
What's-- what's wrong?
I've never had a nickname before.
- Do you like it? - Yeah.
Oh, good.
Yeah.
It's got a ring to it.
Jingle Jared.
Hey, I know we're not besties yet,
but I got a good feeling about us.
Joe, I heard that you were the one putting all these speaker
gnomes around the neighborhood. - Oh, yeah.
That's right.
And I linked them up all over with Bluetooth too.
I thought it would be nice if everybody on the lane
could hear the same music and feel
some magic at the same time.
Why?
Is there a problem? - No, no, no.
No, no.
I-- I find them adorable, actually.
But I needed you to maybe ask permission next time.
Oh, come on.
I thought you liked music.
You're Jingle Jared, after all.
No, I do. I do.
Jingle Jared loves music.
It's just-- just it would be nice for a heads-up.
Well, heads up.
I mean before you do it.
Look, I could go ahead and disconnect you if you want.
But it messes with the triangulation
of the mother signal.
And then all the other speakers get discombobulated.
I don't know.
My son could explain it better.
I just know that they work together
kind of like this neighborhood.
I-- I understand.
I really do.
It's just it's not the way we do things here.
Oh, yeah?
Well, how do we do things around here exactly?
Well, since you asked, we have a system
in place that allows us to celebrate
Christmas to the fullest.
And as president, I am privileged to push
that system forward.
So Joe, it's for your own good and the good
of this entire community--
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's that there?
This is a citation for entering a neighbor's property
without permission, also unlawful placement
of sonic amplitude devices.
Come on. Jared.
(WHISPERS) I'm so sorry, Joe.
I thought we were becoming friends, buds, simpatico.
But this doesn't have to affect this.
You know what?
Hey.
Why don't you do the honors?
Joe, I shouldn't.
Come on.
You know the old Norse proverb.
To refuse to bring a neighbor that-- you don't know it,
do you? - I don't know it.
To refuse to bring your neighbor light
is to bring him darkness.
You don't want that, now, do you?
I don't want that.
All right.
Then bring us light, my friend.
Bring us light.
(SINGING) --on Christmas day in the morning.
You did that, kiddo.
You did that.
(SINGING) Up on the housetop, reindeer paws.
Out jumps good old Santa Claus.
Down through the chimney with lots of toys--
I got absolutely no sleep last night.
I'm sorry.
So this is your fault?
It's 100% my fault.
What did you do?
It's more of what I didn't do.
I wanted to give Joe a citation for installing
his army of speaker gnomes.
Instead, I chickened out.
I'm such a fool around celebrities.
Oh, Jared.
They want a reality show.
Why is everyone acting like they deserve a star
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?
Don't be ridiculous.
Of course not.
But they would make the Christmas Hall of Fame.
Please tell me that doesn't exist.
It does not, at least, not yet.
But that's a next year problem.
Grab your coat because we got bigger fish to fry.
And I will grab the door.
All right.
Everybody's at my house.
We have to fix this.
It is so bad.
(SINGING) Up on the housetop, quick, quick, quick,
down through the chimney with good Saint Nick.
MARY LOUISE: How can something so hideous
come out of something so cute?
Is that Ben singing?
Every single one.
Well, at least, it's Christmas music.
I don't hear anything.
Big surprise there, Bob.
PAMELA: You sound a bit pitchy to me.
Pitchy to you?
What is that supposed to mean?
It means I got a tuning fork with your name on it.
OK.
You guys, they planned a competing cookie contest.
We have to do something.
I tried talking to Joe, but he charmed me
with a Norse proverb.
Actions speak louder than words, young Jedi.
Suggesting, what would you be?
I bought a manufacturer's gross of defective Elf
on the Shelf dolls on eBay in June, nasty looking rascals.
I wonder how jolly the Johnsons would be if we let all 144
of those rascals loose in their yard.
I got to say, I like where this road is taking us.
No, no, no. No, no.
Let's just take the high road.
Why when the low road is so intriguing right now?
You guys, we're just going to send out word
to the neighborhood bulletin that we are
reverting back to the old schedule
starting with the cookie competition.
They're going to see the lane come together.
And they're going to have no choice but to fall in line.
Well, that might be harder than you think.
I heard they're offering a bit of coin for the winner.
Bitcoin.
We're working towards Bitcoin.
That sounds interesting.
OK, don't you get any ideas, Brodhead.
They're really turning the screws over there.
Nobody panic.
We still have 42 confirmed entries.
What if everybody else breaks rank and joins
the Johnsons' cookie contest?
Then we will punish their treasonous ways with subterfuge
and psychological warfare.
Yes.
I finally feel seen by you.
And I like what I see, Ned.
We're going to go with my plan.
We're going to get everyone to Belinda's
for the cookie contest.
And the rest is just going to fall like dominoes.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
OK, I'm just going to scout out a few low roads
in the meantime, you know?
Just in case.
And I'm going to block the Bluetooth frequency
so we can think straight.
I still don't hear anything.
You're lucky, Bob.
[serious music]
Did you remember to swap out the salt for the sugar?
I did.
They're actually good this time.
Aww.
Thanks, Nicole, not that it matters.
I mean, look at this place. It's empty.
Yeah, I didn't want to say anything,
but where is everyone?
I'll tell you exactly where they are.
They're baking with the enemy.
I cannot believe they ignored our bulletin post.
And where is Ned?
I don't want to jump to conclusions,
but did you see Ned?
He lit up like Rudolph's nose when
he found out he wouldn't have to compete
against Pamela this year.
No, he wouldn't. Would he?
I don't know anymore. He slept in.
He probably slept. - Yes.
There was an Ice Road Truckers marathon on last night.
You know he can't resist that.
Exactly.
Cookie?
Ooh.
Don't mind if I do.
Thanks, Nicole.
All right, everyone.
It's time to announce the winner.
I must admit, competition wasn't as robust as in years past.
A win is a win.
Get to the gold.
Since I'm the head judge, my entry isn't eligible,
plus we had a disqualification.
So I will start with the runner up, the only other contestant,
Emily Melrose.
Thank you.
Second place.
Not bad.
Thank you.
It's technically last place too.
Thank you.
All right.
The winner, yet again, for the eighth year in a row is--
We all know it was me.
Thank you.
Why aren't you happy, Mom?
Because victory isn't the same without seeing
the agony of defeat in the eyes of the vanquished.
But my streak is still alive.
[cheers] Two more wins, and I'm sitting for a portrait.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
[whistling]
What you got there, Ned?
Oh, this?
I just found this at a garage sale.
Oh, you did?
Yeah, how much was it?
Yeah, just what I thought, you traitorous turncoat.
How could you after all that we have been through?
You are my third emergency contact right
after Allan and the dog sitter.
We all deserve to have a moment in the sun.
But what about our plans?
All of those wonderful low roads we were going to take together.
The Johnsons showed me a new path.
I simply had to take it.
How did they get to you, Ned?
It is very, very cold in the shadows, my friend.
I had to step triumphantly into the light.
Give me that trophy.
I'm going to snap it in two.
No, you leave it alone.
Give it to me.
You wouldn't even know what to do with a trophy.
It'd be lonely in your house.
Aw.
This feels better, everyone coming together
to celebrate the joy of winter.
At the end of the day, it's all about the kids, right?
Yeah, that's the HOA president I fell in love with.
Really?
Jimmy.
OK, that was a good throw, but the snowball fight's
not until after you finish building your snowman.
That was another good throw, but we're going to wait
for all the other kids, OK?
I thought this was a no-rules snowball fight.
Do you want to handle this?
Yeah, this is a no-rules snowball fight,
buddy, but we're going to wait for the other kids to get--
you little-- do you mind if I borrow this, buddy?
Drive. Drive.
You think that's a good idea?
No point in running, Jimmy.
Your parents can't help you now.
Oh, no.
Definitely not a good idea.
It's a trap.
Fire.
Mayday. Mayday.
We have a code white in the cul-de-sac.
I repeat, a code white.
We need all available units, please.
Requesting all available units.
Whoopsie-daisy.
There's a meltdown.
[shouting]
Victory.
[cheering]
I can't say I'm not disappointed, especially
in you, Jared.
Dad, we had to take cover inside.
And we have not left the house since.
Over a snowball fight?
That does seem a little extreme.
Oh, no, no, no, it was no ordinary snowball fight.
It was awful.
I'll never forget the look in Jimmy's eyes.
It's like he was unhinged, obsessed.
We've tried talking to them.
We've tried ignoring them.
They're just so intense.
It's like Christmas is turning into The Hunger Games.
That does sound stressful.
JARED: Painful, actually.
We just want the neighborhood to have a magical holiday
like we always do, but it's so hard
when they just won't cooperate. ALBERT (ON PHONE): Hmm.
Really stuck in the chimney on this one.
What do we do?
Have they violated the HOA bylaws in any way?
JARED: Yes.
And I was going to cite him for it.
But I felt bad.
He gave me this really cool nickname,
and I let him off the hook.
That's an honest mistake, Jared,
but when it comes to incentives, there are carrots,
and there are sticks.
Using both tends to be the most effective strategy.
Keep the niceties.
But maybe it's time to really throw the book at them.
They have to be treated like everyone else.
The founders believed that no one is above the HOA bylaws.
By the founders, you mean us, right?
ALBERT (ON PHONE): Of course, I do.
Who else would?
GAIL (ON PHONE): I don't know who you mean.
Why would you say the founders?
ALBERT (ON PHONE): I've always said the founders.
Guys.
It's embarrassing for you to say anything like that.
I think it's your obsession with James Madison.
I think they understand.
GAIL (ON PHONE): He's obsessed with James Madison.
Guy's we really have to go, OK?
We have to go.
Thank you.
You know what time it is?
Surprise inspection time.
[drumming music]
No jingle.
No?
None.
Mm-mm.
No.
Oh. No.
- No. - It's definitely too tall.
No.
Definitely too tall.
Just as I suspected.
Oh, Ms. Melrose.
Oh, Jingle Jared.
You dried off pretty quick for a guy who just got absolutely
pummeled by snowballs.
[laughter]
What you up to?
Just conducting a routine inspection.
Of what?
Just making sure the house is up to code.
I think you'd be hard pressed to find any code
violations around here.
Well, these lights are definitely
not LEDs, which means you have surpassed
maximum wattage allowance.
And also, this nutcracker definitely
exceeds maximum height.
Well, I didn't see anything about a maximum height.
Well, you should have read up, buttercup.
There is a lot of great info in that appendix.
Indeed, there is.
Indeed, there is, especially section six, article D, which
we discussed the other night.
The unlawful placement of a sonic amplitude device?
Bing.
As a matter of fact, that's the one.
Honey, I thought I told you to ask permission
before placing those speakers. - Sorry, honey.
I put the sleigh before the reindeer.
But you do that all the time, and it's ruining my life.
It's not fair for me to say, but I do it all the time.
I can just leave these in your mailbox,
or I can hand them to you, whichever you prefer.
What happens if someone chooses
to ignore the citations?
Then someone gets fined.
And if that someone chooses not to pay the fine?
Well, I'm glad you asked, Joe, because as president,
I can commute these punishments with alternate means
of recompense. - Such as?
I would settle for mandatory attendance
to my annual white elephant party.
Sounds lovely.
Where should we be? When should we be there?
Jared's house.
7:00 PM tomorrow.
There's a dress code.
I hope it's not something tacky like ugly sweaters.
Actually, it's exactly that tacky.
And I have a closet full of doozies if you
need to borrow something.
That won't be necessary, for sure.
OK, good. We'll see you there.
Wouldn't miss it.
You actually can't miss it.
Remember?
Right.
All right.
Oh, I think that went OK.
I think so.
JANE: Bye.
Goodbye.
JARED: Are those real smiles?
I don't know, but I feel like I'm at the Chuck
E. Cheese Christmas special.
Hi.
Have they addressed the citations yet?
I told them if they came in peace, all would be forgiven.
You think that'll work?
It softened their sweet Emily, didn't it, right, babe?
Like a bowl full of jelly.
That might have worked for Molly McButter here,
but those Johnsons are a different breed.
I mean, what if they don't accept our olive branch?
Well, Ned is our sergeant of arms at the HOA.
And if it comes to that, we will ask him.
Where is Ned, anyway?
Probably building a shrine to display
his traitorous new trophy.
Bob, I want an onion and an olive.
Yes, dear.
Maybe this is going to blow over.
We're going to exchange gifts, and we're going to get
to know each other better.
And maybe this isn't a tennis racket.
[doorbell rings]
Hey.
Welcome.
Come in.
JARED: Wait.
Those aren't ugly Christmas sweaters.
No, they're actually really cute.
We're not here for your ugly Christmas sweater party.
You're not?
No, we're throwing a yuletide poetry jam at our place.
We saw right through your carrots and sticks strategy.
We came to inform you that we are
hereby officially withdrawing from all HOA
Christmas activities.
You can't do that.
We just did.
And we won't be needing this anymore.
My special edition.
Or these.
You have no legal precedence to do this.
Actually, they do.
[gasps]
I knew it.
I happen to have a signed addendum voted on and approved
by Albert Melrose 2016, which states, any member of the HOA
which does not wish to participate in neighborhood
festivities can withdraw with the approval of one
board member.
Let them celebrate how, where, and what they may.
Now, thanks to Ned, we're free to be jolly in the Johnson way.
[laughs]
I have no recollection of this.
That was the night we all had one too
many of Bob's holiday Mai Tais.
My bad.
EMILY: Why isn't this in the handbook?
And why did you make me participate last year?
It was before my time.
You all have a copy.
I faxed it to you the night it was ratified.
Come on, Ned, none of us have used a fax
machine since desert storm.
Come on.
We have some festive pros to attend to.
Viva la resistance.
Not so fast.
JARED: Why, Ned?
Why?
No man can serve two Santas.
Edward Brodhead, for your treasonous behavior,
I call for your immediate dismissal from Santa's Helpers.
All in favor, say aye.
ALL: Aye.
The motion is passed.
Hand over your walkie.
Must I?
You must.
[christmas music]
You are dismissed.
That was a bust.
There's only one way to fix this.
[serious music]
Switching to channel 12.
Attention Silver and Gold leaders.
Calling on Silver and Gold leaders.
We have a situation here.
MAN (ON WALKIE-TALKIE): We are on our way.
How are your big plans coming?
The proposal?
I've been so busy with all this HOA craziness,
I hadn't had much time to think about it.
Oh, don't let that get to you.
I know, but it's really making me have a loss of confidence.
Jared, take time to think about the moment,
reflect on it because it'll be in the distant past
before you know it.
Well, let me ask you a question.
How confident was Dad when he proposed to you?
Are you kidding?
He procrastinated and dithered.
And I think he chickened out at least a half a dozen times.
Really?
Well, he told me a much different version.
I speak truth.
And he's not around to contradict me, so what I say
goes.
Fair.
I love you, son.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
Yeah, this whole thing this has got to go.
OK, we're going to 86 Santa's Village stat.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't touch that.
Logistically, this is perfect here.
What are you doing?
Well, logistically, this is perfect for our ice
sculpture competition.
And I have a new chiseling set to christen.
Ned, I am not moving Santa's Village,
especially not for some cockamamie
ice sculpting contest.
Jared, I put up with so much from you.
But the words cockamamie, ice, sculpture,
and contest in combination are fighting words, man.
Don't be ridiculous, Ned.
Just take this somewhere else.
I don't see why you can't just take this somewhere else.
Because I personally applied for the permits
to have Santa's Village right here on this spot.
So if you have a problem with it,
you should take it up with City Hall.
Well, you may have won this battle,
but you have not won the war.
It is not a war, people.
It's a Christmas Carnival. - All right.
Come on, everyone.
Let's go.
What is happening?
I don't know.
[serious music]
What is it with her and winning?
I mean, it's the most wonderful time of the year.
We've already won.
Emily, there's nothing to worry about.
When Silver and Gold get here, it's going to be game over.
[rap music] Yeah.
Ay.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.
Fa la, la, la, la la, la, la la.
Yeah.
'Tis the season to be jolly.
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
Troll the ancient Christmas carol.
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
Fa, la, la, la la, la la, la la, la.
JARED: Welcome home, sir.
Get me up to speed.
I want a full summary with all the major players.
Mom.
Hi.
Welcome home.
The house looks great.
Thank you.
How was your flight?
It was wonderful.
I watched Christmas at Graceland,
and it really got me in the spirit.
Oh, that's great.
Perfect.
But your father kept quoting Art of War,
which kind of killed the mood.
ALBERT: We need a strategy that focuses on their vulnerability.
JARED: That's genius, sir. ALBERT: Thank you.
Want to go wrap presents while they strategize?
I thought you'd never ask.
Yes.
So how are you guys?
Good?
Happy?
Really happy.
Yeah.
This whole mess with the Johnsons
has been a little difficult, though.
But you know what?
I think it's shown us that we're a really great team.
That's what matters.
After all these years with your father,
there's one main reason why it's worked.
The fact that you both insist Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
That has helped, but really, because we're best friends.
- We figured it out. - Wait.
No. We're wrapping presents.
This is more important than presents.
We figured out how to get rid of the Johnsons for good.
I don't think we want to get rid of them, do we?
What choice do we have?
They are destroying the very fabric of the neighborhood.
The point is to try and find a way
to weave them into the fabric.
They committed HOA treason.
You need to pull the weed out by the root.
By the root.
OK, nothing they did technically
was illegal, thanks to the addendum you signed.
It was never meant to be used nefariously.
That was only for people who were not
able to physically and emotionally
be in a state of celebration.
Oh, that's interesting, so like me last year?
No comment.
OK, if you don't mind me asking,
what else is on this list?
Fill their entire chimney with coal.
Use space heaters to melt all of their snow.
Write a smear piece saying they don't believe in you-know-who.
Keep reading.
These are just some of the greatest hits.
Bring them some figgy pudding.
And I do mean a truckload of it.
Invite Ned's improv troupe to ad lib
The Christmas Carol for them.
And this is one of my personal favorites.
Hire a singing telegram to do "The 12 Days of Christmas"
over and over and over.
JARED AND ALBERT: (SINGING) On the first day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me--
No, these are terrible ideas, especially that one.
We cannot fight fire with fire.
Oh, sir, fire, is that too much?
Probably.
But what if it's a flaming yule log?
Love that.
Put it on the list.
No, no more list.
We have to make peace.
Honey, I came here to help you solve this problem,
and that's what we're trying to do.
But the Johnsons love a fight, and this is
just playing into their hand. - What do you suggest we do?
I don't want to do anything aggressive or passive
aggressive, for that matter.
I say we go over there, we sit down like adults.
And once and for all, we find a compromise.
That's actually not a bad idea, sir.
Put it on the list.
Thank you.
But don't mix my Jacob Marley bit.
No, sir.
I don't even know what that means.
Trust me, you don't.
JOE: So what brings you all by?
We thought we could have a heart to heart.
I feel like it's been made very clear that the four of us
haven't been on the same page when
it comes to the neighborhood festivities.
We want to take responsibility for being a bit
too rigid with our traditions.
And we were thinking that your family could take ownership
for being a bit aggressive--
Assertive.
Assertive when it comes to pushing yours.
You're absolutely right.
We both put the sleigh before the reindeer sometimes.
I realize that we may have ruffled
some goose feathers what with coming
up with our own holiday events.
But I'm sure it's-- it's not something we can't fix, right?
That's exactly what we were hoping to do today.
Great. Let's get into it.
Great.
So when my parents founded the HOA,
they just-- they wanted everyone in the neighborhood
to have as much fun at Christmas as possible.
That's a noble thing.
And if you'll accept our apology,
we'd like to rescind our withdrawal
from the HOA festivities.
That was just a little Johnson family heat of the moment
enthusiasm thing, so--
We'd love to have you guys back.
Terrific.
Phew.
Wow.
And listen.
Joe, about the citations, just forget about them.
I mean, I know you already ripped them up.
But let's just pretend that I ripped them up.
And you know, you guys are new here,
and you're getting settled in, so--
Hey, thanks for that.
You know, that's very Jingle Jared of you.
You know what? This is happening.
Get over here.
Come here.
Let's not ruin it.
OK.
Sure.
All right.
So can we expect your help with the Christmas Carnival?
We're all in.
As a matter of fact, we were just
brainstorming this morning.
Oh, yeah.
Let's just calm that storm because the Carnival's
really all mapped out. - Oh, no, no.
It's not going to interfere with your plans at all.
It's going to be in the morning before the Carnival.
Oh.
So what'd you have in mind?
We're calling it the Christmas Games.
Huh.
Instead of having all these different competitions peppered
in leading up to the days before Christmas like we had planned--
Oh, like you planned?
Right.
We just thought we would all have it in one day.
And the winner will be--
get this-- the Christmas goat.
Wait.
Goat like [imitates goat]?
Greatest of all time.
And let me guess, you two are competing?
The idea is one person from every household
will represent their family.
That's a no-brainer for the Johnson clan.
That's true.
Can I ask, what kind of events do you have in mind?
Oh, the usual wreath making, gingerbread construction,
ice sculpting, Christmas cocktail
mixing, and holiday trivia.
This sounds like a lot.
Not every family has to participate.
It's totally optional.
I think I'm going to have to pass.
I already have so much on my plate.
Yeah. JOE: That makes a lot of sense.
As president, you should probably take a dignitary role.
That's really smart.
What about you, Emily?
Are you game? - Well, I have to help Jared.
There's so much going on.
I think I'll probably have to say no.
But can't you just imagine all the families
in the neighborhood cheering and having such a great time?
Yeah, don't shut it down before we've
had a chance to think about it. - Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not shutting it down.
I'm here to compromise.
I just think the spirit of it all feels a little com--
- Complicated. - Competitive.
Competitive.
The word we're looking for is competitive.
It's OK, Emily.
We understand.
Just a little surprised. That's all.
Why is that?
I don't think I should say.
- No, I really want to hear. - No, you know what?
I'm a gentleman. I can't say.
Then I will.
We never took you for such a Grinch.
[dramatic music]
[gasps]
She didn't mean it, baby.
Happy thoughts. Santa Claus.
Candy canes.
Chad Kroeger, Nickelback.
I'm sorry.
Did you just call me a Grinch?
If the stocking fits.
Do you know what a Grinch is?
A Grinch is someone who tries to ruin Christmas,
which you have been doing since the second you
landed on this lane.
Says the Grinch.
I am not a Grinch.
Prove it.
Enter the Christmas Games.
You know what, Jane?
I will enter those games, but I have
a few conditions of my own.
Let me guess, at the end, everybody hugs
and gets participation ribbons.
It's me versus you.
That's it.
If you win, you can keep ignoring our traditions,
and you can celebrate however you want.
Are you sure about this, babe?
I am sure, babe.
And if I win, guess what?
You back off.
You fall in line with all of the HOA rules,
and you join your neighbors, who are dedicated
to the spirit of Christmas.
Sign me up, sister.
Let the games begin.
Me? A Grinch?
Can you believe that?
She's just trying to rile you up.
You have to prove nothing to her.
This isn't about proving I'm not a Grinch.
This is about standing up for myself,
my family and Evergreen Lane, and most of all, Christmas.
Understood.
I've got your back.
Good, because we have a lot of work to do.
All right, team, the Christmas Games
are tomorrow morning, which means you have exactly 24 hours
to lead me, guide me, walk beside me
all the way to victory.
How are we feeling? - Good.
It's going to be good.
I'm concerned.
She'll be fine.
I don't know.
You got this.
Yeah, like the cruise director on the Titanic.
First things first, I think what we should do
is let's list the events and evaluate
your strengths and weaknesses.
OK.
That only sounds mildly humiliating.
We're all family here.
We just want to figure out an effective training schedule
and qualified mentorship. - OK, fine.
Go for it. - All right.
We have five events.
We have Christmas tree wreath making,
gingerbread construction, ice sculpting, Christmas cocktail
mixing, and holiday trivia.
What do you feel you need the most help with?
- Cocktails, hands down. - Wreath making.
Ice sculpting.
Christmas trivia.
No, gingerbread houses.
I can't just pick one.
Wow.
You guys, am I hopeless?
No.
No, darling.
No.
Emily, you are not hopeless, not with us as coaches.
I think what everyone is trying
to say is we have your back every step
of the way, right, guys?
ALL: Right.
Right.
The first step in wreath making.
Is selecting your wreath?
No, that is ridiculous.
Who told you that?
Was it Claire down at The Craft Crate?
- I only talked to her once. - Don't talk to her.
She talks too much, OK?
She's trying to undermine me.
What you guys working on right now?
Is it the sealant for the vent or the electrical?
I don't think we need vents.
We-- we need a vent.
Scotch.
Isn't he a dreamboat?
MARY LOUISE: OK, ready?
What language do the reindeer names Donner and Blitzen
derive from?
Donner and Blitzen. Donner and Blitzen.
You got this, Emily. It's an easy one.
- Give her a chance, Jared. - I have no clue.
Donner und Blitzen.
It's German.
Thunder and lightning.
Of course.
All right.
Tag me in.
Who played six different roles in Polar Express?
Oh. I know that one.
Tom Hanks. - Yes.
Yes. Good girl.
You got it. You got it.
And go straight to the left.
Then go straight to the right.
You're sweet, dad.
I'll take it from here.
Now, this one clearly is not finished.
This is just some stuff I picked up on my walk this morning.
Beautiful.
Have you ever used a hot glue gun before?
Put it down, please.
That is dangerous.
Did you bring your safety goggles?
I don't think you really need safety goggles for a glue gun.
Like, 30 people every year get injured with hot glue guns.
That's something that Claire at The Craft Crate
didn't tell you.
Lift the icing bag.
No, no, no.
You're doing really good. - We could cover it.
Oh. Jared.
That was my fault. That was my fault. Sorry.
ALL: (SINGING) Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way.
What did Jimmy Stewart find in his pocket
in It's a Wonderful Life?
- Zuzu's petal. - Oh, I knew that.
I couldn't help myself. Sorry.
You're a chip off the old ice block.
There is a school of thought that unless you
can fit your head through the wreath,
the proportions are wrong.
So let's do a little check here to see if you
can fit your head through it.
Did an ornament drop? - It did.
I'm so sorry.
Well, I guess, somebody should have read the pamphlet
with the hot glue gun.
Final gumdrop.
Ready?
Go.
Here we go.
It's like the capstone.
EMILY: Oh.
All right.
Moment of truth.
Cheers.
10 out of 10 lords a-leaping.
Delicious.
That's fantastic.
- You make that yourself? - Oh.
Jimmy, hi.
Wow.
I didn't see you there.
Yes, I did.
I had a little coaching, but yeah.
Looks delicious.
Well, thank you.
My parents always make the best gingerbread houses.
But they never let me eat them because you're not
supposed to eat works of art.
Well, that's too bad.
Eating them is the best part.
Do you want to eat this one?
- Serious? - Why not?
It's just a practice house.
I ate a whole wall while I was making it, so I'm stuffed.
Just promise me you'll ask your parents first, OK?
I promise.
You know what?
You remind me so much of myself when I was--
Thank you.
You're welcome.
On the 11th day of Christmas, what
did my true love send to me? - Eleven pipers piping.
How do you say Merry Christmas in Spanish?
Feliz navidad.
I can also sing it.
How many ghosts show up in Christmas Carol?
Dickens four, Muppets five.
Look what Emily gave me.
You've got to be kidding me.
No way she made that herself.
She said I could eat it if it's OK with you guys.
Absolutely not.
We need to study her design and make sure we can top it.
Yeah, your mother's right.
This is an opportunity to really crush them.
I'm tired of crushing people.
Seriously, it's all that we've done since we got on TV.
I wish we never would have won Ho Ho House.
[gasps] Don't say that.
We're the Jolly Johnsons, kiddo.
Maybe I just want to be the regular Johnsons who
have regular Christmas like you promised me when we moved here.
You said it yourself.
You didn't want people to treat you different.
And we meant it.
Then maybe you should stop trying to prove
that you're better than them.
[sad music]
Looks like my work here is done.
So how's everything?
It's good.
I just want it to be just right, you know?
I meant with you and Jared.
Oh, good.
I don't know.
It's kind of hard to tell.
We've been wrapped up in all this Christmas craziness.
I can understand that.
Just don't let it get in the way of what's really important, OK?
I won't.
Whatever happens tomorrow, I'm proud of you, Emily.
Aww.
Thanks, Dad.
OK, I got to go.
Time for my annual Christmas Die Hard marathon.
Oh, maybe I'll join you for part two.
ALBERT: Come on.
Pretty good.
How are you feeling about tomorrow?
Well, if it's going to be anything like today,
it's going to be very long and very difficult.
Well, I think it's going to be a great day.
- Really? - Yeah.
You know why?
Enlighten me.
Well, you are trying to save Christmas for the rest of us.
And that makes you my John McClain.
What does that mean?
You're my Christmas hero.
Oh.
All right.
Go get some sleep because I have to go home.
Oh.
Don't leave.
I don't want to.
But I'm a little behind on your Christmas surprise, so--
Well, then you better hop to it.
Love you.
I love you too.
Take care of that knee, John.
[laughter]
All right.
How many ghosts show up in A Christmas Carol?
Four.
In the song, what was Frosty the Snowman's nose?
A button.
What popular Christmas song warns
that you better watch out?
"Santa Claus is Coming to Town."
Where is she?
She's never late.
She'll be here.
She's going to be here.
There she is. She's coming.
Oh, Pamela, you're here.
Oh.
Sorry I'm late, but I have a really great reason.
Allan.
I designed them myself.
OK, sure, babe, but who was up all night hand stitching them?
Me.
It was me.
There's one for all of you.
Here, Emily.
Even though you're the one representing us today,
this way, you'll know that we've all got your back.
[upbeat music]
(SINGING) I'm just feeling jolly.
Deck the halls in holly.
Yeah, I'm just feeling jolly.
Deck the halls in holly.
I'm just feeling jolly.
Deck the halls in holly.
I'm just feeling-- I'm sipping eggnog.
I'll leave these flashing lights, burning that yule log,
making the season bright.
[cheering]
Let's hear it for our contestants.
You ready for this?
I guess, we'll see.
Oh, it's on like gray poupon.
ALLAN: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
to the first annual Christmas Games.
[cheering]
Few competitors will go head to head in a fierce competition
to decide who has the most Christmas
spirit on Evergreen Lane and be named the Christmas GOAT.
We want Jane!
CROWD: (CHANTING) We want Jane!
We want Jane!
Emily!
[chatnting]
[arguing]
EMILY: No, everyone, stop.
Please just stop.
Can you just stop?
Oh, for the love of Christmas, just stop!
What is happening to us?
I mean, look around, you guys.
Don't you realize it's Christmas?
You know that last year, I moved back
because I fell in love and not just
with Jared but with this whole neighborhood.
This place is so special.
I mean, we take care of each other.
We look out for each other.
We bring out the best in each other.
But all I see are people I don't even recognize.
I don't even recognize myself.
Christmas isn't a game, you guys.
It's not about sides and winning.
We're one neighborhood.
And if we can't come together, especially at Christmas,
then I don't know if this is the neighborhood
I fell in love with.
I'm sorry, but I have to withdraw.
And it's not because I might lose.
I would most definitely lose.
But it's because this isn't us.
I want to have a joyful Christmas that's full of love,
and I'm pretty sure you do too.
[applause]
[cheering]
A deal's a deal.
If you withdraw, you lose, and I get my way.
I know.
And I'd rather you have your way than be at odds with you,
so you win.
Congratulations.
You can celebrate however you want.
And I'm going to go celebrate Christmas with the people I
love the most.
What if all we want is to be a part of Evergreen Lane?
Jane, I don't know what kind of game you're trying to play,
but please-- - No game.
No competition.
Just real.
Today, you reminded us of what Christmas used to mean to us
before we were, well, jolly.
She's right.
We just want to be the Johnsons again on the jolliest street
that ever existed.
Should we start over?
I would really like that.
[cheering]
Now, that's a photo.
[happy music]
You got to get me one of those jackets.
I'll get you one, buddy.
You need to talk to him.
I don't want to.
You got a little something on your sweater.
What? Oh.
Maybe next year, we could maybe bake together,
something like that.
In your dreams.
OK, I cook alone, all right?
I cook alone.
["jingle bells" playing] Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun--
JARED: You look beautiful.
Aw, thank you.
You look so handsome.
This is quite a turnout.
That art station is absolutely bonkers.
You know, I-- this might be the best Christmas Carnival
we've ever had, thanks to you.
Aw, it was a team effort.
We got a pretty good thing going, don't we?
You know what?
I think it's more perfect than perfect.
So are you.
PAMELA: Hey, you two.
Look, honey, young love.
EMILY: Speaking of young love--
JARED: Yeah.
PAMELA: Helen, honey, Santa's watching.
Only gets better, kids.
JOE: Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas.
High five.
JANE: Merry Christmas.
Yeah, all right.
Good job.
Ho, ho, ho.
EMILY: Are you sure you're OK with this?
If you could only see how much it meant to him.
Plus, he told me he was going to introduce
me to the people that run the Norwegian Santa Academy.
We should table that for now.
Tabled and chaired.
In the meantime, I have to take care of a few things.
OK.
I'm going to be on cocoa duty.
But I'll see you after, right?
Right as reindeer.
I don't think that's a saying.
But it could be.
Right.
There you go.
WOMAN: Merry Christmas.
EMILY: Merry Christmas.
Oh, I'm so glad you guys are here.
It's great to be back helping out.
You and Jared have done such a great job bringing all of this
together.
We feel very confident in you taking over the HOA.
Thanks, Mom.
Does being back here makes you guys miss the old glory days?
I forget how exhausting it is putting out all the fires.
He is lying.
He definitely misses the drama.
Aw.
And what about you?
GAIL: I miss the neighbors.
These people are our family.
Well, if Jared and Emily ever end up together,
there might be a house that comes back on the market.
Any progress on that front?
Let's just focus on Christmas.
Shall we?
I always liked that Jared Farnsworth.
He's an architect, you know?
You don't say.
Where is my young apprentice, anyway?
He's missing all the fun. - I don't know.
He disappeared about an hour ago.
He said he had some last-minute plans to take care of.
Hmm.
[carriage squeaking]
[light music]
These are for you.
And your presence is requested.
What is all this?
Well, whatever it is, it looks magical.
[enchanting music]
Trade you?
Gladly, my lady.
[festive music]
Let her go, Mike.
(SINGING) Red and green packages under the tree.
Twinkling lights are all on in the street.
What is happening?
(SINGING) Carolers caroling.
I hear them sing, it's Christmas again.
I feel like a kid in December, the first time
in what feels like forever.
Love's on my list, and I'm taking a chance.
Because when is it going to be Christmas again?
[romantic music]
What is all this?
I'm trying to get you all to myself.
Along with a string quartet?
Just roll with it.
I'm getting a little nervous.
Don't be nervous.
I just got you a Christmas present.
It's beautiful, but you didn't wrap it.
It's what's inside.
Is this really happening?
Emily Melrose, I've been in love with you forever.
And I will always be in love with you.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Oh, my goodness.
[laughs]
Merry Christmas.
EMILY (VOICEOVER): Another year, another great Christmas
on Evergreen Lane.
And Jared found a way to one up anything
even the Jolly Johnsons could have done that year.
It's funny.
I never asked Santa for Jared to propose to me,
but somehow, he already knew exactly what I wanted.
[festive music]