[birds chirping]
Okay, where do you wish we were right now instead of here?
- Go. - [laughs] Oh, okay.
- Cleveland's saddest mall. - [giggles]
Um, anyone's board game night.
Ooh. The back half of Snowpiercer.
But the movie, not the train.
Obviously.
Can you believe that high school's this boring?
- [sighs] - Like, we knew, but we didn't know
in the haunted way we know now.
No, if you told me that it was gonna be this, like, for forever,
we would be in a tasteful cult right now, I'll tell you that.
[both laugh]
God, why is everyone so boring but us?!
They're just a bunch of...
♪ Sad little sheep ♪
[laughs]
Yeah, doing their algebra.
[in Southern accent] Chowin' down on root bear.
- Chowin'? You know what? - [both laugh]
We just have to get through the next two years,
and then we can do whatever we want.
More than we do now.
- Yeah. - [referee whistles]
Davey! Jonesie!
Seriously?
- Okay, we'll go. We're going. - [gym teacher] No, no, no, please.
Take your time. We'd hate to inconvenience you.
- [student] Get off the field! - Yeah, well, you're all sheep!
- Yeah! Let's go. - So, baa-baa!
[♪ "Rock Star" by Hole playing]
♪ Well, I went to school in Olympia ♪
♪ And everyone's the same ♪
♪ What do with a revolution? ♪
♪
♪ Well, I went to school in Olympia ♪
♪ Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya ♪
♪ And everyone's the same, we look the same ♪
♪ We talk the same ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
- Get a hobby. - I don't know.
I think that is their hobby, and that's what's sad about it.
- Whoa! - Uh...
Dana, Jorby. I just, uh...
- have to... Excuse... - Okay, okay.
Y-You have to know that's not our names.
Don't care. Thank you.
[♪ dramatic music playing]
- [blind rattling] - [♪ dramatic crescendo]
How is that guy an actual human teacher?
I'm telling you, man. This school is the worst.
- [Davey scoffs] - [♪ upbeat music playing]
[laughs] Oh no.
"A Night of Enchanted Tolerance."
- Woof. - [Davey laughs]
This school's determined to humiliate itself.
You know what, the only thing worse than participating in sports
is participating in the tragic, archaic mating ritual
that is the school dance.
[♪ bass sting]
- [laughing] - [friend] Dude.
[♪ "Smells Like S**" by Sizzy Rocket playing]
♪ I got what you want ♪
♪ What you really, really want ♪
♪ Looking at my lips, then you'll never get enough ♪
♪ Yeah, smells like, uhh, mm-hmm, candy ♪
♪ Like candy... ♪
Yo, yo! Watch how fast I can drink this root beer!
[gulping]
Oh, s-something's wrong.
It really is.
Why, hormones?!
You're better than this!
[groans]
- Davey, Jonesie. - Emile.
[groans] Get help...
[gagging]
I'm sorry, but am I the only one who sees this?
Yes.
I mean, I could.
- I just choose not to. - [both laugh]
[♪ upbeat guitar music playing]
[Emile] Remind me again why you two share a locker.
Oh, because my locker was next to the band room,
and then I had this argument with the Jazz Club
about whether or not I am or am not in the Jazz Club.
Wait, you're in Jazz Club?
- I don't know! - Open wound.
- Don't poke, but... - Sorry.
...it's ultimately why we sold off her locker
to that kid who sells the off-brand protein powder.
- Now, we share mine. - Yeah,
but it's actually awesome because we have identical class schedules
and there's plenty of room.
♪
- There she is. Old Faithful. - [Emile] Ew.
- Oh God. Yep. - [Jonesie] She's a beaut.
- Googly eyes on the car battery. - Yeah.
- [Davey giggles] - That's cute.
- [metal clangs] - [Jonesie] Ooh!
Oh, we shoulda warned you.
Are there magnets in there?!
- Yeah, it was a failed Halloween costume. - Yeah, it made sense at the time.
[sighs]
[Emile] Yep, it's broken. Well, I commend you
on committing to the bit of being yourselves
despite the resoundingly mixed reviews.
[Principal Debbie Neighbors] Davey! Jonesie!
- [giggles] - [Emile gasps]
- Loving the outfit, Ms. Debbie. - Mm-hmm.
- [bell dings] - He's fun.
What's up, Principal Neighbors?
- Oh God, what isn't? - What?
Uh-huh. Okay, are you two still, uh, sharing a locker?
- Uh... I-- - Ooh.
- I don't know. - [Neighbors] You know, girls,
you know what I've learned from my recent divorce
and subsequent intensive therapy journey?
A lot of things, but also how to read people.
Yep. And while I am all about the power of
hashtag female friendship, I am sisterhood for life,
I, and, frankly, a lot of the faculty, have become concerned
that your relationship has become codependent. Yeah?
To the point of being self-alienating to your peer group.
- Principal Neighbors. Come on. - Principal Neighbors. Come on.
[Davey] I mean, we've been over this, right?
Th-That our relationship is cool and normal,
and that we haven't been alien-- alientizing anybody.
- No, w-we have other friends. - Yes.
Emile! Hey, buddy! Emile!
- [indistinct chatter] - Emile!
Emile!
- [chatter stops] - [Emile mouthing]
- Ouch. That was hard to watch. - He was just here!
- We were just hanging out, making plans-- - We were just-- We laughed, I think.
I get it. Why don't we take this conversation
somewhere a little more safe and a little less,
how do I put this, embarrassing for you, okay?
Let's step it off. It's okay.
Down the hall. Take the shame down the hall.
[♪ upbeat music playing]
[♪ dramatic sting]
[electricity zaps]
Gentlemen, it's finally ready.
Tonight, we take back what's ours.
Now that our portal attunement devices are complete,
the hour of reckoning is close at hand.
Tonight,
we take back the multiver--
- Oh. - [student] Mr. Schneider?
[electricity zaps]
What?
I need next period off to help with the dance committee.
Why are you telling me this?
Because you're the teacher.
[bell dings]
Oh. Right.
Uh, that's fine, Mart. Yeah.
It's Mark.
- [♪ dramatic music playing] - [clicks lock]
- [electricity zaps] - As I was saying,
tonight,
we take back the multiverse, gentlemen!
[laughing]
[all laughing maniacally]
- [maniacal laugh] - Oh...
- [groaning laugh] - [snickering]
- [whines] - [printer whirring]
[quiet student chatter]
[♪ dramatic music playing]
- Oh, okay. - [diffuser gurgling]
Gratitude. Confidence is power.
[sighs]
Isn't that better?
It's lavender. Calming.
Where were we?
That's right. Putting yourselves out there.
Taking risks. [soft laugh]
That's why I'm now an intermediate-level
Peruvian basket weaver,
and why you two are joining the decorating committee for the dance tonight.
[Jonesie] Um...
- That's not really our thing. - Yeah, we weren't actually gonna go
to the dance because... there-- I have this--
- 'Cause because we're so shy. - Shy.
♪ I'm so shy. I don't-- ♪
♪ I'm just a little girl ♪
Yeah, I'm gonna have to insist.
You two can check-in in the gym with Alexis and Sierra this afternoon.
Cool. Cool. And if we don't?
If you don't, if I don't see a marked improvement
in your general ability to engage with literally anyone but each other,
I'm afraid I'm gonna be forced to separate you.
- [stammers] Sorry. - Sorry.
- Sorry, did you say separate? - Sorry, did you say separate,
or did you say ka-- did you say pizza party?
Yeah. Separate class schedules, for a start.
Separate lockers. And if you push it,
if you force my hand, then I will be forced to recommend to your parents
that one of you transfer.
- ["transfer" echoing] - [♪ dramatic music playing]
- Transfer?! Are you cr-- - No! No! No! No!
- Hold me back 'cause I'm gonna-- - No. No. Hey.
You have something evil in your eyes, and I see it.
Okay, okay, okay. It doesn't have to come to that,
but I just need to see some--
Ooh, how would I put it?
Healthier behavior.
I'm not asking for the moon here, girls.
I just need you to be less...
- Ourselves? - Nope. Hey, no. I--
You were pretty much gonna say that.
No, I didn't say that 'cause I am all about letting your freak flag fly.
Yeah, I am all for it. I love-- I love to be freak.
Yeah. You know what I have?
I have an Andy Warhol print in my dining room, so... [scoffs]
Dean didn't get that in the settlement.
I'm just trying to get you two to expand your horizons
because that's my job.
It's a big world out there,
and you gotta just embrace whatever the universe throws at you.
Starting with the decorating committee for the dance tonight.
[♪ bouncy rock music playing]
Okay, I'm gonna say something, and I know it's gonna be dramatic,
but this is textbook child abuse!
I mean, can she separate us? Like, legally?
If she can't, our parents for sure will.
Mine already think you're a bad influence.
Why? Because I made a lightly erotic stop-motion film
- using your sister's old Barbies? - Well, it did not help.
That was such a layered film.
- I know. - For real.
[school bell rings]
Okay, so we're gonna do this?
What choice do we have?
D, if you think that this place is a boring hellhole now,
imagine going through it not together.
[gasps] How dare you?
You know that my imagination is too powerful for hypotheticals like that.
It is desperate times, D! Okay?
Which is why we're just gonna have to find a way to get through this.
It's one afternoon with Sierra.
One little dance, right?
But, it's just, like, the dance committee. They're so...
Basic. Yeah, I know,
but what would you expect from a school
that would rather turn out mindless automatons
than support a single original thought?
[♪ dramatic music playing]
[laughter continues]
- [doorknob rattling] - [electricity zaps]
Oh! What is wrong with this door? [laughs]
Apparently the lock is faulty.
Were you just talking to someone?
Was I-- Uh, no.
Hey, I get it.
Thursday, I called the phone company to change my plan
just so I'd have someone to talk to for three hours.
It was... dark. Anyway,
I just came by though to, uh, to let you know
that I signed you up to chaperone the dance with me tonight.
Chaperone... the dance tonight?
Tonight.
- Uh... Okay, um-- - [Neighbors] Oh, I know
you're not the mixing type, Stephen.
Cut to me after Dean left.
I'm sure you'd rather just
hang out here with yourself.
You could say that.
But we have gotta put ourselves back out there, Stephen.
You know, and I'll be there, too, so...
Mm-hmm.
Great! Well, I'm gonna have maintenance come by and fix this door for you
'cause we would not want your students locked out
of their favorite teacher's classroom now, would we? [laughs]
[♪ bouncy music playing]
- [class chattering] - No, we wouldn't.
- [student] Mr. S. What's up?
Look, they love you! They love it in here.
- Yes. Yeah. - Hungry minds! Yum yum yum!
[♪ bouncy music continues]
[♪ music slows, stops]
[banner flapping]
You need to hang it higher! Do you want it to be a fire hazard?
Uh, maybe.
Oh, yes.
[party horn squeaks]
Just hang it from the ceiling.
I think it might be too high.
- Just do it! - [trembling] Okay.
[clears throat] Wow, Sierra.
Impressive leadership skills.
[Davey] Yeah, they do say intimidation
is this sincerest form of making everyone feel bad.
What do you two want?
- So, about that... - S-- Yeah.
- Uh, we want to, um... - Ask a question.
- To ask, um, to join? - [Sierra clears throat]
I can't say it. Can you set me up?
- We wanna join the dance committee. - [gags] Oh, my God, whoa.
- I'm gonna throw up. - [Jonesie] No, you're fine--
Do not be so dramatic, okay? You're in luck.
The dance committee is full.
Well, clearly we don't wanna join your reign of decorative terror,
but Principal Neighbors says we have to.
And once again, Principal Neighbors has ignored my emails
about recognizing my authority as class president.
- Mm... - Well, aren't you vice president?
Only on a technicality.
Right, like the way that you technically ran unopposed,
but still somehow lost to Alexis.
Am I being talked about?
- [♪ hip-hop music playing] - I love that for me.
- Hi. - Davey, Jonesie. Pleazh as always.
- Yep. - What up?
Principal Neighbors wants them to join the dance committee.
As I told them, it's already full.
Hm, classic pickle.
Lemme chomp on that for a minute.
[inhales] I say,
-"Vive y dejar vivir." - What?
I spent the summer in Mallorca.
It was honestly great.
They are just so cool, but in a way that I can't put my finger on it,
but it actually physically hurts me.
Well, uh, gracias for your presidential input...
- No problem. - ...but it's not really a solution
and, as always, has no relevance to the dance tonight.
- Oh dang, is that tonight? - Yes.
That would make sense. I'll try to swing by.
- [snaps] - Later, crocodiles.
- [♪ hip-hop music resumes] - See you later, alligator.
- Okay, fine, you can join the committee! - [sighs] Yay.
First, I need you to go to the store
and replace the 500 Snoopy Dixie cups
- that someone bought... - [exhaling]
...with plastic champagne cups for the punch instead.
- Okay? - Okay.
And don't even think about making this dance
one of your weird little protests
where you try to make some elaborate point about society
that no one understands and ruins it for everyone else, okay?!
- [Joyce] Excuse me, Vice President! - Joyce!
The banner is not a cape!
[Davey] You know, Sierra really does have some good ideas sometimes.
Oh yeah, you mean the thing about using the plastic champagne cups for the punch?
[Joyce struggling]
I'm just kidding. Obviously the thing about livening up
tonight's dance with one of our incredible protests
- and literally nothing else that she said. - [Sierra yelling]
- [♪ bouncy rock music playing] - [both] To the mascot store!
- I wanna live in your brain. - Yeah, you already do.
[Sierra yelling indistinctly]
[♪ muffled music playing]
[♪ dance music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Where is Schneider? This is a hoot. [laughs]
- [Abbott] You'll never get me! - [student] Come on, man.
- [Neighbors] Oh no. - [imitating swordplay]
Boys! Abbott! They're not sabers. Come on.
[giggles] And that's what they call a checkmate.
[giggles] Ooh!
The banner is still too low. Where is Joyce?
Sierra, eyes. The dance is fine.
The dance is a disaster!
- [♪ dance music continues] - [crowd cheering]
Relax. Everyone's so psyched Alexis made an appearance,
they don't even notice your... decorations.
Okay, where are Davey and Jonesie with the champagne cups?
[♪ music continues]
♪
Time for these fools to learn they're all just sheep.
Baa, baa, that's what's up, okay. [grunts]
Are we at all concerned that our very specific message of
"you're all sheep" will be undercut by the fact
that the mascot store didn't have sheep heads available?
No. The choreography speaks for itself.
- You're so right. - [♪ tense music playing]
[Schneider] We, the collective Schneider, were once a single entity,
the greatest mind in all the multiverse.
Until we were demoted.
- Disgraced. - [sighs]
- De-synced. - [shudders]
And forced to moonlight as 10th grade science teachers
in every universe in existence.
Ugh. Uh-uh.
But now,
we have a way to become one man once again.
For I, the Schneider of Universe 6689--
Uh, babe? We literally have all the same back story.
- Could we pace this up? - [restrained laugh]
Yes. Of course. Well,
we should mobilize before that principal comes
and drags us off to that godforsaken dance.
Hey! Not groovy, man.
All apologies to Disco Schneider.
- Okay. - And let's do this. Sync frequencies.
[devices beeping, whirring]
[laughs] Right on.
[♪ upbeat music playing]
[party chatter]
[airhorn blaring]
Pretty lit, huh? Yeah, slaps.
♪
[muffled yell]
[Davey] Stop the music!
- [♪ music stops] - [chatter dies down]
Things are gonna get started! [clears throat]
- Move it, people! - Okay, let's go. Back it up.
- Clear the way! Looking at you! - Looking at you! Back it up.
No! No! No! No--
- I say we let this play out. - What?
[hushed chatter]
[Davey] Hit it!
Hit what?
Did we forget to give Mark our music?
I think that we just forgot that music wouldn't miraculously start playing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. One second.
Um...
[♪ "You Make No Sense" by ESG plays from phone]
- Let's do this. - Definitely.
♪ You make no ♪
♪ You make no sense ♪
♪ You make no ♪
♪ You make no sense ♪
♪ You, you, you make no sense at all ♪
- This is great. - Oh yeah.
[poor sound quality] ♪ I said you, you ♪
♪ You make no sense at all ♪
♪ You make no, you make no ♪
- Am I supposed to get this? - Nope.
Nobody is.
- ♪ You make no ♪ - ♪ Why do you lie? ♪
We're all chicken?
Nope.
♪ You, you, you make no sense at all ♪
- [whirring, beeping] - [Schneider] And there.
That's it.
Yes. Now, our devices were designed
to create an electromagnetic frequency so strong
that it should be able to open the portal in each of our labs.
Once we go through, it will code itself
to our DNA, syncing us back into one being.
But, we all have to go through it the exact same time, so--
[in vampire accent] Ve know. Ve are all ze same guy.
Vhy do you keep monologuing?
Right. Well, uh-- [sighs] Let's just get this over with, okay? Ready, mark.
[all] Ten, nine,
eight, seven,
- six, five... - [dog whining]
...four, three,
two, one!
- [electric fizzle] - [powering down]
Where's the portal?!
I see no portal.
Nary a portal in sight.
Where is it? It should be here!
You did ze calculations, remember?
I thought you had the big old plan. I thought you were Mr. Mister
- with the big plan. Well, you're not-- - Shut up. Shut up!
- We're wasting time. - [beeping]
Is everyone getting that signal? Is everyone getting that? It's strong.
I-It has to be the portal.
It has to be here somewhere. We have to find it before someone else does.
T-minus four minutes to entry. Go!
- Yes. Of course. - Signal my keister.
- [electricity zaps] - ♪ I said you ♪
- [Davey] Baa! - ♪ You make no sense at all ♪
No, no, no, no, no.
♪ I said you, you ♪
♪ You make no sense at all ♪
This makes no sense.
What could possibly be generating this much electromagnetic energy?
- [Emile] Are there magnets in there? - [Davey] There's plenty of room.
[Emile] Googly eyes on the car battery. That's cute.
- [Jonesie yelps] - ♪ You make no sense at all ♪
♪ You make no ♪
No, I'm good. I'm good. I'm okay. I'm okay.
[poor sound quality] ♪ You make no sense ♪
Do you think that it's possible we might be losing them?
Okay, let's skip to the big finish.
♪ You make no ♪
- Where is it? [panting] - ♪ You make no sense ♪
- [laughs] Here it is. - ♪ You make no sense ♪
[Davey] Oh, there we go.
[panting]
[♪ song ends]
[sparklers crackling]
- [flame whooshes] - [crowd gasps]
[crowd screaming]
Yes...
[flame whooshing]
[fire alarm blaring]
[crowd screaming]
[wailing]
[screaming]
[alarm stops]
[banner flapping]
[heavy breathing, moaning]
I think they're mad.
[♪ dramatic music playing]
At least they don't know it's us.
Davey! Jonesie! You're dead!
Oh, is that... Davey and Jonesie!
This... is... vintage!
[♪ tense rock music playing]
Let's get outta here.
- No! You come back here right now! - [screaming]
We gotta stash these before anyone can confirm that was us!
- Our locker. - The safe space for shameful things.
Yeah. I think there's still room.
- [beeping] - Alright. [panting]
[sighs]
Still got a minute.
- [♪ dramatic music playing] - [starts recording]
I, the Schneider of Universe 6689,
am recording this message to commemorate my triumphant return,
like a phoenix rising from the ashes of exile.
For anyone watching who didn't believe in me,
or who doubted me, or who betrayed me,
you know who you are,
let it be known that not even you
could stand in my way.
For I'm about to prove the heights of my genius.
- [♪ dramatic music builds] - [Jonesie] What the...
[whooshing]
- [Davey] Whoa. - [♪ dramatic crescendo]
That's new.
[♪ dramatic music playing]
[crowd screaming]
[Schneider] I'm about to prove that nothing and no one
- will stand in the way... - [crowd screaming]
...of Stephen Simon Schn-- Ah!
- Ah! Ah! Wait, wait! No, no, no! - [door slams]
- [♪ electronic music playing] - [zapping]
♪
[sparkling]
- [squawking] - [neighing]
[roars]
[both screaming]
- [dial-up modem beeping] - [whooshing]
[screaming]
[both yelling]
- What just happened? - I don't know.
- Where is everyone? - I-I don't know.
- [Schneider] [distorted] Dina? Jumbo? - Schneider?
- [♪ dramatic sting] - [both yell]
You don't belong here.
[both screaming]
[♪ upbeat music playing]
[all screaming]
[screaming]
- [baby voice] You don't belong here. - [squishing]
- No. No. - [♪ music resumes]
[both screaming]
[♪ silent movie music playing]
[inaudible]
[♪ melodramatic music playing]
[♪ upbeat old-timey music playing]
- [screaming] - [♪ metal music playing]
[gasps] Now what?
[♪ bouncy music playing]
[lights whir]
You don't belong here!
- [♪ creepy music playing] - Not again!
- [screaming] - [sawing]
[screaming]
- [Schneider groans] - [magician laughs]
[Davey] Holy crapiola!
- [♪ upbeat music playing] - [Jonesie] Woo!
[laughing]
[Davey and Jonesie groan, laugh]
[distorted] Oh, my God.
[cheering]
♪
- [ball bouncing] - [kids giggling]