[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
- Earth.
A cradle for unimaginable beauty
and staggering wonder.
Incomprehensible, overwhelming,
this planet mocks our feeble power
to describe it.
Yes, to truly appreciate
the astounding grandeur of this planet,
sometimes you must defile it.
Behold the defiler.
His character is vile,
base, and depraved.
Once a proud talk-show host,
he has been driven by a changing ecosystem
to a drier and harsher climate--
the weekly podcast.
Here, without the nourishment
of his studio audience,
this clown with dull, tiny eyes,
the eyes of a crudely painted doll,
is forced to feed on that meagerest of morsels--
the random call-in fan.
Unhinged by the feral scent of their mild enthusiasm,
he scavenges in distant lands uninvited,
fueled by a bottomless hunger for recognition
and the occasional selfie.
[dramatic orchestral music]
♪ ♪
This is madness.
This is lunacy.
This is chaos.
This is "Conan O'Brien Must Go."
- Amsterdam is one of the most beautiful cities in Europe.
On the day I landed,
the locals were all wearing orange.
But I was shocked to learn
it wasn't to celebrate my arrival.
This is Beau.
Beau, tell me--everyone's wearing orange,
what's going on? - It's the king's birthday.
- King's birthday, and it's called King's Day.
- It's called King's Day, yeah.
- And we wear orange because those are the colors
of the Netherlands. - Of the Netherlands, yeah.
- Yeah, okay. And how do people celebrate today?
- The plan is they drink a lot...
[laughs] First of all. - Drink a lot, okay.
- And they sell stuff.
So everything that's in your basement or anything,
just put it out on the street and sell it.
- And that's how you celebrate the king, is you take
all the shit in your house... - Yeah, yeah.
- And you just throw it on the sidewalk and sell it?
- Yeah. - Everywhere you go, bikes.
Bikes everywhere, I've always known that about Amsterdam.
- It's more bikes than people, actually.
- Really? - Yeah.
And there are a lot in the canals.
- They throw bikes into the canal?
- Yeah.
- Have you ever seen people throw boats into the bike lane?
- [laughs] No. Never. - No?
- What a great national sport here.
People toss bikes into the canal.
Do you think that will be an Olympic sport one day?
- It can be, yeah. - Okay.
You're just very agreeable.
You say yes to everything. I love that.
Will you marry me? - [laughs] No.
- Wow, that was quick. - Yeah.
- So everyone just sells stuff? - Yeah.
- And it could be anything. - It could be anything.
- You know? Look at this. Look.
- Sometimes it's like small treasures.
- Look at this. A "Married... with"--
This is a small treasure?
You have a lot of these "Married... with Childrens."
Have you watched all of these?
- It's fun to have it, not to watch it.
- Oh, you don't even watch these.
You just like to have them? - I think so.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Very beautiful, the things you have.
I mean... not really.
Happy King's Day.
- I know you're a big supporter of the king.
- Thank you. - Aah!
- It's me as a child.
Hi, time-traveling Conan, how are you?
- Good. - Yeah. Good, yeah.
What'd you buy? - Look at this funny thing.
It's like a car.
- What are you gonna do with this?
- I'm not sure yet. - [laughs]
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay, well, you've clearly had a nervous breakdown.
- Yeah. [laughter]
- Look. Look what he got.
Isn't that great? [dog barks]
- There we go. - This is a crap-sniffing dog.
What is your name? - Nikita.
- What's your deal, Nikita? What you all about?
- I don't know.
I'm just here with my friends looking for stuff.
- No drinking today, okay? - Of course.
- You don't drink yet, do you? - No, no, no.
- Did you ever have a drink? - Accidentally, yes.
- "Accidentally"?
- Some Serbian alcohol was in a Coca-Cola bottle.
- Oh, I hate it when that happens.
Okay, guys, I just bought you these.
It's a whole bunch
of "Married... With Children" episodes.
About 15 years before you were born, this was a big thing.
Okay? These are all for you.
Do you have a DVD player? all: No.
- Then throw these in the canal immediately.
Hey, man, what's your name? - Storm.
- Where are you from, Storm? - Netherlands.
Is this how you dress all year long or just today?
- Just today.
- And you're a forensic accountant?
- What? - Nothing.
- This is, like, where you go to buy all the good stuff.
- Be honest. Mostly what I've seen is crap.
- Look at this. I got this mask.
- You got what? - This mask.
- Oh, you just bought this mask? Okay.
- And we got the "Mona Lisa," a great classic piece of art.
- You know this isn't the real "Mona Lisa," don't you?
- Oh, really? [laughs]
- Wait, you bought this? - Yeah.
- And what are you gonna do with this? Be honest.
- Transform the energy in some kind of freaky way.
That's what the guy told me.
- Hey, I can't believe you got this incredible haul.
You got this thing. You got the "Mona Lisa" puzzle.
- Yeah.
- You got some bubble wrap and a wolf mask.
- And this. - And then this guy.
- Oh, wow. You are cleaning up. - Yeah.
- Where are you from originally?
- Texas. - Oh, wow.
[laughter]
And, gee, why didn't you fit in in Texas?
[laughter]
So, when you showed up with him and said,
this is the man I want to marry,
your parents from the Netherlands said...?
- Yeah, are you sure? It's an artist. I mean--
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Hey, but, look, he turned out to be a really reasonable guy.
- Yeah, I got good deals on this.
Where's your orange?
[lively Dutch folk music]
- I was already starting to feel at home in Amsterdam.
- All right, have a nice day.
Enjoy King's Day. - You too. All right.
- I just needed one more accessory.
The best way to see Amsterdam is on a bike,
and not just any bike.
You want to find a black bicycle
that a 110-year-old woman would ride.
Bikes here aren't that sexy, but they get the job done.
- Do you mind if I take a selfie?
- Not at all. Hi, there.
Let's take a selfie, and go.
Hey, nice to meet you, man.
There's nothing more romantic than riding
along the canals in Amsterdam by yourself,
talking into a camera.
To me, that's the height of romance.
Hello. - Hello.
- How are you? - Fine. How are you?
- You are the best-looking couple.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, you're like supermodels.
- Thank you.
- When you get married, promise me it will be both of you
on one bicycle. - We will.
- Congratulations on being so freakin' good-looking.
- Thank you. - Enjoy your lives.
- You too. - Thank you.
- Bye-bye.
Amsterdam is full of beautiful people.
And one of them is even a fan of mine.
- Hey, Conan, it's Maaike,
and I'm calling from Amsterdam, the Netherlands.
- Hi, Maaike, How are you?
- I'm very good. How are you?
Thank you for pronouncing my name correctly. Wow.
- You seem like a lovely person.
Tell me what you do.
- I work as a high-fashion model.
- Oh, my God. - Whoa.
- Are you tall?
Many models have to be a certain height.
- I'm 6 feet. How tall are you?
- Oh, my Lord. I'm 6'4".
But if I've got gel in the hair, I'm 6'7", 6'8".
- Oh.
- I know that I'm a little long in the tooth.
I'm an older gentleman.
But do you think I could be a model?
Do you think I have what it takes?
- I think yes.
And you've compared yourself to Tilda Swinton,
which I think is the most gorgeous human on this world.
- I'm considered a god in Finland.
Did you know that? Finland, the Finns love me.
- Great. Yeah. [laughter]
- Wow.
Maaike, I really like talking to you.
You're very funny, and you're very cool.
You take care.
[gentle Dutch folk music]
♪ ♪
Maaike? - Conan?
- Yeah. How are you? - I'm very good.
How are you doing? - Thanks for meeting me.
How are you? Nice to see you. - Great to see you. I'm good.
I'd like to learn a little bit about being a fashion model,
if that's possible. - I can help you with that.
- Meeting me just now... - Yeah.
- Any immediate thoughts? Anything surprise you?
- I want to say something about your hair,
but I'm not sure what.
It's quite like...
jumpy. - "Jumpy"?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
It'll calm down, get relaxed. - That's what I was thinking.
- When I first meet women, it gets very high.
- Yeah, okay. Oh, okay. - And then it settles down.
- This is it, right here, huh? - This is it.
- How old were you when you started modeling?
- 13. - 13.
A lot of people when they're 13 are self-conscious.
- Yeah.
- If you can believe it, when I was 13,
I felt unattractive and weird.
- Yeah.
- If you can believe it.
- Whoa. - Um...
- [chuckles] That's crazy, man. [laughter]
- This is you with very short hair.
- Yeah.
- This look looks like you just married Beelzebub in hell--
very "Edward Scissorhands."
- I like it. An editorial. - Oh, my God, look at you.
You look very fierce there. - Yeah.
- I do think there's a lot of performance involved.
And that might be where I have a leg up,
because I am a performer.
- You are a performer, after all.
- And I am a shapeshifter. - Yeah.
- I can be an uptight nerd or a highly strung nerd.
- Yeah.
- I can be a really anxious nerd.
- Yeah.
- I can be sort of a creepy nerd.
- Yeah. - What do you think I could do?
- Like, hand model or something.
- What are you talking about? That's not a good hand.
- For a medical something, like a device, a cream.
[laughs] - Oh.
Oh, you look at these hands and say,
oh, you could sell some kind of cream that cures scabies?
- I'm sorry.
I told you before, we're gonna make this work.
Your face and your shoulders
should remain relaxed.
That was good.
Your face was great. Your arms were a bit weird.
Can I imitate? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- I'm going for robot that's been sent
from the future to destroy someone in the past
so that the future is altered.
That's what I was going for. - Okay, I like your thinking.
- Yeah. - Think less.
- I have a very prominent eye vein right here.
Can you see it? It sticks out.
- Yeah.
- And is that gonna stop me from being a model?
- I think this is the least of your worries.
- So what would be my top worry?
Let's talk about the face. And be honest.
- What do you think is your biggest problem,
except for the vein?
- [laughing] "Except for the vein"?
- Yeah. - Okay.
I think kind of beady eyes, thin lips,
just a creepy demeanor,
you know, a bulb on the end of my nose,
very thin space between my mouth and my nose.
I think my head's all fucked up.
I think I got a weird just overall look.
I don't know.
- There's someone here
that could maybe help you a little bit, a real...
male model.
So this is Nilo. - Morning.
- Oh, hey, Nilo. - Hi, there, Conan.
- How are you? Nice to see you. - I'm very well.
Have you had people stop you and say,
hey, you look like Conan O'Brien?
- Mm, not really.
[camera shutter clicks]
- Nilo, are you jealous of anything that I have?
Anything? - Your hair.
- Oh. - A little more.
- A little more? - Yeah.
- Um...
I see you have life experience.
[laughter]
- You look, and you see experience.
- Yes.
- Which some women find very attractive.
Harrison Ford, he's, like, 82 years old.
No one's criticizing him.
- But maybe Harrison Ford is not asking strangers
to judge him.
[laughter]
Put me next to someone who's 50 years younger and compare.
You think that's what Harrison Ford's doing?
- I don't know what he does in his spare time.
- Me neither. - He might have a whole garage
that's packed with young people,
and he stands next to 'em and says, what about this guy?
And his wife, Calista Flockhart,
is like, I don't know, what's the big difference?
He's like, what do you mean, what's the big difference?
Tell me I look good.
Maybe he's doing that all night long.
I want you to tell me that I'm the most beautiful man
you've ever seen-- would that kill you?
- You're-- [clears throat]
Conan, you're the most beautiful man...
[laughing] I've ever seen.
[laughter] - Even I couldn't handle it.
[laughter continues]
- This is a designer called Diek.
- Hey, Diek. - He has his own brand.
- How are you? - Nice to meet you.
- What do you think, Maaike?
- I think you look more confident
the moment you put it on.
- I do feel more confident. - Yeah.
- I look like I'm on "Miami Vice,"
but I also just won the Nobel Peace Prize.
What is this?
- It's actually a picture of my desk that I work on every day.
- I have a natural fear of woodpeckers,
so I don't think I can wear this.
Yeah, it's a little floppy,
so you can't see that I work out.
- Exactly, that's a bummer.
[laughter]
[electronic music]
♪ ♪
- It's a walk in the park for you.
♪ ♪
- I think I look like someone
who just flew first class on an international flight
and stole the pajamas.
I mean, let's talk about the magazines
you could get me work in-- be honest.
- Oh.
- I mean, I'm not gonna be in a "Vogue."
- Smartwatches. - Oh.
- You think I could get a smartwatch ad?
- Yeah, I think, like--
- You had concerns about my hands.
You think they're kind of dry and scaly and freckly.
What do you think?
- You could get a stand-in for the hands.
- Okay, let's not show his face,
and let's get a stand-in for his hands?
- Yeah. - What's left of me?
Now, suddenly, I'm just a torso model.
And even that you're not too thrilled about.
I think we've achieved nothing here today.
I flew a long way to see you. - Yeah.
- You promised me you could help me out.
And it's a wash. - I gave it my best shot.
- Did you? - No.
[laughter]
[camera shutter clicking]
- Chin up a little bit more.
♪ ♪
- When you think Netherlands, you think tulips.
Isn't that right? - Absolutely.
First sign of spring--that's why they're so popular.
- I love it here, I have to say.
I feel like I just took heroin. - [laughs]
- And this is the last thing I'm gonna see
before I die, you know?
- I do dream of the tulips at night also, so...
- I dream of heroin. - [laughs]
- Quick question-- can I eat a tulip?
- I wouldn't recommend.
You will get a bit of a stomach hurt,
and, well, it tastes really bad.
I did try it one time, but wouldn't recommend.
- See, that's the word I want to get out.
Tulips are pretty, but please don't eat tulips.
Some celebrities of my stature say, we've got to fight cancer,
or, we've got to feed hungry children.
My thing is, don't eat tulips.
- Don't do it. - Yeah, don't do it.
- You'll be on the toilet all day?
- Hey, Romy, no one asked.
Let's leave the diarrhea part out...
- Yeah, okay.
- And your specific story of a little bit of diarrhea,
because then I'm thinking, how much is a little bit
of diarrhea, you know? - Yeah.
- And I don't want to know. So let's do this.
How about tulip eating, and then we look to camera
and say, don't do it, and we both cross our arms.
Could you do that with me? - Yes.
- Ready? both: Tulip eating...
don't do it.
- There could be diarrhea, a small amount.
Way there in the distance, what is that right there?
- That's Tilly Tulip. She's our mascot.
- Oh, God.
Okay. So who is this?
- Also Tilly the Tulip.
- You have a book? - Yes.
- And let me guess-- the book is for sale?
- Yes, of course. [chuckles]
- I see. And how much is the book?
10 euro. Okay, Tilly.
Have you no shame?
Tilly, do children ever get frightened when they see you?
Sometimes.
Oh, they cry, and they cover their eyes?
Tilly, have you ever felt bad at the end of the day,
frightening children?
No, you don't care.
You know what we call you? A sociopath.
Eh, what are you gonna do? Yeah?
Tilly, you're a frightening apparition
from our possible future,
a future where we didn't take care of our planet
and Mother Nature became enraged.
Maybe 50 years from now,
there'll be millions of giant tulips hunting us down.
Yes, yes. Killing and killing again.
Destroying humanity, making humanity pay.
Yes, that's your dream, isn't it, Tilly?
- [chuckles]
- Wow, there's no evil act I can describe to Tilly.
Tilly when I was a young man,
I saw a hobo walking down the street,
and I ran him down with my car and killed him.
Yeah, and I got away with it!
What do you think, Tilly? No, no, no?
Okay, well, I think we can cut to you celebrating.
And I ran him down with my car and killed him.
Yeah, and I got away with it.
- Yeah, let's stop right here. Don't make it worse.
- Don't make it worse? - Yeah.
- Well, you're talking to the wrong guy,
'cause I love to make it worse.
Tilly started as a stripper.
- Oh, it's your mom! Oh, it's your mom!
Oh, my God.
This is amazing.
The breeze in my hair, that Amsterdam air,
thinking of Cher.
I needed a rhyme, so now I'm thinking about Cher.
♪ If I could turn back time ♪
♪ If I could find my way ♪
I'm just talking about Cher.
Hey, guy, how you doing? - Oh, my God!
- How are you?
What are you doing here? - We're studying abroad.
- You're not studying right now.
You're totally screwing around. [laughter]
Where are you all from originally, if not--
- Georgia. - University of Georgia.
- Can you say "go, Dawgs" for us?
- Yeah, can you say "go Dawgs"? - What's in it for me?
- Smiles. - Love and light.
- Yes!
Go, Dawgs! [all cheering]
[upbeat Dutch folk music]
- KLM is the official airlines here of the Netherlands.
And there's a cool thing about that airline.
If you fly business class, KLM gives you
a tiny, little ceramic Delft Blue house.
These have become a huge collector's item.
Think Beanie Babies if they were
a ceramic small house
that was offered in the Netherlands by an airline.
No one really owns all 106 except for one man.
That man lives inside that little storage space behind me
with his son.
They don't really live in the storage space,
but I thought it sounded more dramatic.
[upbeat Dutch folk music]
This is Roger. - Roger.
- And this is his son Patrick. - Correct.
- Do you live here in this storage facility?
- I live here next to it, the high rise.
- I understand, but it's a cooler story if you live
in the storage facility.
Can we just say that you live in the storage facility?
- You can say. - Okay.
- You can say what you want.
- So you live here in the storage facility.
- Yes.
- And you only eat rodents that you find
here in the storage facility. - No, I eat more.
- No, it's a better story if you say,
yes, I eat the rodents.
You eat the rodents here in the storage facility.
- I do. - Perfect.
- This is the Rembrandt House.
- Oh, this is the Rembrandt House.
- He lived there. He worked there.
And it's in the center of Amsterdam.
- Okay.
You have the Anne Frank house. Isn't that right?
- Yes. - Number 47.
- This is Anne Frank.
- Is this one of the most sought after?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- People like it. Everybody wants it.
This is the most important, Palace on the Dam Square.
- Oh!
So this is the most valuable house maybe.
- Valuable, yes. - And what else is valuable?
- We have this one. - This one, too, huh?
- This is the Cheese House in--
- Gouda. - Gouda.
- If you're gonna have both of these,
then it's very, very valuable. - Yeah, it's nice.
Tennis House is in Heimstaden. - Tennis House.
- Yes. - Thank you.
- Do you want something to put it in,
that it doesn't harm?
- You're the nicest guy ever.
I'm stealing your most valuable homes,
and you're offering me something to carry it in?
- Yes, no problem.
- I love this country.
Which is your personal favorite of all the houses?
Do you have one? - Yes.
- Ooh, that's a pretty one.
- Yes. - Ooh, look at this.
Look at this house. This is really pretty.
Which one is this? - Number 69.
That's why people like it.
- Sir.
I can't believe you'd make that joke.
- Yeah.
So...
- How do you feel now that you've made a 69 joke?
- No, not bad.
- I didn't realize I was in this kind of storage facility.
- Yes, it is.
- I would like to add extra ones to the collection.
These are the most significant buildings in America.
This is a McDonald's. - Oh, that's nice.
- Isn't that beautiful? - I like McDonald's.
- Yeah, check this out.
This is an Amazon fulfillment center right here.
These are very popular in the United States.
And, look, it has the little truck outside.
You can even see the water bottles
the employees are forced to piss in.
A very famous one in America, that's the White House.
- Yes.
- And then a very special one, look at this,
the White House ballroom... - Very nice.
- Goes next to it. This is exactly the scale.
So you have to get both in the collection.
[gentle orchestral music]
[heavy metal music]
♪ ♪
Some of the greatest painters
in history came from the Netherlands,
including Rembrandt, Vermeer, and, of course--
[Dutch accent] I am Vincent van Gogh.
I am one of the most famous painters in the history of man.
In my lifetime, I made no money off of my paintings.
Since my death, my paintings have sold
for many hundreds of millions of dollars apiece.
I am really pissed about this.
So I'm coming to the Van Gogh Gift Shop
to get a cut of the merch, the money that is due me.
I know you're in there!
I just want a cut of the merch.
T-shirts, bumper stickers.
Oh, my God, look, you've got little fidget spinners
that say "van Gogh."
I want my money!
[kicking door]
Oh, fuck, a guy's coming.
[suspenseful orchestral music]
Oh, man.
What the hell? Look at that.
I never held a-- Well, I held hot dogs a lot.
I loved hot dogs, but they didn't have Coca-Cola yet.
Back then, they just had--
Well, they had Dr Pepper. I like Dr Pepper.
Everybody makes money off van Gogh.
Who doesn't make a bit of money is me.
Why? Oh, "because I'm dead."
Legal loophole.
[suspenseful orchestral music]
♪ ♪
Hello, may I come in and speak?
- No, it's not possible right now.
- It's not possible? My name is Vincent van Gogh.
I made all this stuff. I made nothing in my lifetime.
And now suddenly I can't even come
into the "Van Gogh Museum"?
It's my museum!
Oh, now they bring out the big guns.
Oh, this guy will be fun.
I should get to come in. I made these paintings myself.
I had a terrible lifetime. I had gonorrhea, syphilis.
I might have had some kind of lead poisoning
that made me go a little cuckoo.
Oh, suddenly he's got a little diary he's writing in.
"Dear diary, today I met Vincent van Gogh,
and I kicked him out of his own museum."
- Make some way if people want to leave.
- Make some way so people can leave?
Okay. All right. I'm sorry.
Come on out, everybody. Come on.
Hope you liked my museum. - Nice job.
- How much did you pay?
- Hi. - 25 euro.
- 25 euro? I get nothing!
Hello, can I just have a little something for my trouble?
Thank you.
[laughter]
- Nothing?
Did you like my paintings? - Amazing.
- Did you like them? Those are the early ones.
They're not even the good ones.
I hope you had a good time at my museum.
- Yes, great pictures. - Guess what.
They won't even let me in.
Never grow up. It's awful.
Don't be a painter, little girl.
Get into corporate law! - [laughs]
- Hello. Oh, I remember you.
[laughter]
You were something. Remember?
Oh, suddenly she doesn't remember.
Oh.
Okay. Vincent van who?
Oh, she was crazy, man.
That was a crazy chick.
Did you like my work? - Yes, I did.
- Was it very good? - Yeah, I was very moved.
- What are they charging for these?
- 125 each. - 12--
- [speaks indistinctly]
- Oh, I got to go, huh? - Yeah.
- Okay. No hard feelings.
Thank you so much. No hard feelings.
- Bye. - Listen, I get it.
A guy paints some stuff, he goes a little crazy,
cuts off his ear.
Yeah, it wasn't good.
I shouldn't have done the ear. That was a mistake.
What a sad end for van Gogh.
[somber orchestral music]
♪ ♪
[Dutch folk music]
[horn honks, bell rings]
- [normal voice] Okay.
Just missed being killed by a trolley.
But what a way to go.
People take their most precious cargo, which is their children,
and they pack them into the front of their bicycle.
Here we go--another guy with his whole family
packed into a small box in the front of his bike.
Children here are...
they're sort of like airbags in a car.
This is Fietsdepot, where bicycles are brought
if they've been impounded.
You, sir, are Martin? - Yes, that's correct.
You are Jaya. - Correct.
- Bicycles anywhere in the city,
if they're parked illegally, they are taken away
and they are brought here.
- Yes. - Correct.
- Is it fair to say it's a veritable boneyard of bicycles?
- Ah, you could say so.
- You know what I find hard to believe?
Who would take this bike and impound it?
What kind of cruel monster?
Think of the little boy or girl who--
Probably girl, but it's not important.
Anyone can have any bike they want.
And if a little boy wants this pink bike, then so be it.
Does it keep you up at night that this bike was impounded?
- To be honest, no. - No.
- You must have people show up who are unhappy.
- Yes. - Of course, yes.
- Because they have to travel a long way to get here.
- Okay.
- And then you also have to pay for your bicycle.
- I'd like to see how you deal with these angry customers,
if it's okay.
Aah! My bicycle! - Is this your bike?
- This is my bicycle!
- Well, aren't you glad that your bicycle is here?
- No, you cut the lock! - We did cut the lock.
- My grandmother made me this lock!
She made it for me and you cut my lock?
- That's such-- - Why?
Why you take my bicycle? - Oh, my gosh.
- Why?
My heart. My heart.
- Take it easy. - I have pills in my pocket.
Get the pills. Get the pills. Get the pills.
Give me the pill! Give me the pill.
- Here you go. - Wrong pill!
- [laughs] - Aah! You kill me!
You kill me! I curse you!
- How many pills you have?
- Aah! Does that ever happen?
- No. - Never.
- You guys keep the bike for how long?
- We keep the bike for four weeks.
And wrecked bikes we keep for two weeks.
- Erect bikes? - Yes, a wrecked bike.
- Wreckages. - Oh, wreckages.
I thought you were saying "erect bike"...
- [scoffs] - Which was freaking me out.
- [laughs] - That's on you.
- That bike is really happy to see its owner.
- [laughs]
- Schwinn! A Schwinn!
[laughter] I apologize.
It's incredible to see all these bikes at once...
all together.
It's a veritable boneyard of bicycles.
- [chuckles] - Pretty cool imagery, right?
- Yes.
- Like a graveyard of bikes, but I say boneyard of bicycles
because you get the two Bs-- buh, buh.
So this pile of bikes right here--
It looks like a bike orgy, by the way.
Look at it. What are these bikes?
- These are wrecked bikes.
- They better be erect if they're in an orgy.
- They are coming from the channels.
- [laughs] Hold for the laugh.
[laughter] That's about enough.
What happens to these bikes?
- They all get destroyed. - They get destroyed?
- Yes. - That's too bad.
I think you guys are being too harsh on these bikes.
Can I get this bike for free?
- If you can show me you can ride on it.
- What are you talking about? This can ride. It's fine.
- It's perfectly fine. - It's perfectly fine.
- Yes.
- You just got to get a running start, is all.
[laughter]
[Sarah McLachlan's "Angel"]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Spend all your time waiting ♪
♪ For that second chance ♪
♪ For a break that would make it okay ♪
[water splashes]
♪ There's always some reason ♪
♪ To feel not good enough ♪
[horn honks dully]
♪ And it's hard at the end of the day ♪
- Hi. I'm Conan O'Brien.
For just 2 euros a day, you can support
neglected, abused,
and tragically ugly bicycles in Amsterdam.
Together, we can turn
this veritable boneyard of bicycles
into a hillside of hope.
Man, that was good.
- Hey, Conan, my name is Lucas,
and I'm calling from the Netherlands.
- Tell me a little bit about yourself, Lucas.
- I live in Amsterdam with my girlfriend and my two cats.
And I play basketball.
I used to play professional. - Whoa!
On what level did you play professional basketball?
- The highest level in the Netherlands.
- What? - That's fantastic.
That's impressive.
- Compared to the rest of the world, it's kind of meh,
but it's all right here.
- Can I say something, Lucas?
If I had played professional basketball for a day,
it's all you'd ever hear about.
- So I'm in a team with a lot of introverts.
I think you could help me and maybe my team be more
of a trash-talking team. - Oh, yeah.
You came to the right guy.
- Yeah, exactly.
- I will make your team more vocal.
I will make your team great trash talkers.
Will you be better at basketball?
No.
[sneakers squeaking]
Hey. How are you? - Hi, there. Good.
How are you? - Good to see you.
I'm very happy to meet you. - Yeah, happy to meet you, too.
- The big thing I want to help you with is,
when we talked on Zoom,
you said that it's hard to trash talk.
- It is.
- I think it's because your country--
people are very polite. - We're really modest.
- The American way is, I'm the greatest.
You suck, I'm amazing. - [laughs]
- Do you know what I mean?
All right, I want you to have good trash talking, okay?
Stuff that works here in the Netherlands.
- Okay.
- I hope, like everyone else in the Netherlands,
you like to bicycle 'cause you can't drive for shit.
I hope your universal health care covers whup-ass.
Is that a good one? - Yeah, that's--
- 'Cause you guys have universal healthcare.
- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
Hey, why don't you go Dutch and split?
Hey, you guys like tulips?
Here's two lips saying, you suck!
You must be Edam because you're no Gouda.
Those are the two big cheeses here, right?
- Yeah. Uh-huh. - Edam and Gouda?
And then I said, you're no Gouda,
and it's like, you're no good, right?
- Yeah.
- I can tell you're Dutch
'cause you're wooden and you clog the lane.
Here's one-- van Gogh fuck yourself.
- [laughs] That's good.
- You like that one? - Yeah, I like it.
- Ha ha! Let it rain, motherfucker!
Yes!
- The problem is, I can't use it because I'm Dutch
and I can't say that to another Dutch person.
- Okay, I'll give you some generic ones.
You couldn't dunk a doughnut.
- [laughs]
- Okay, you can dunk a basket,
but I maintain you could not dunk a doughnut.
Hey, you could use some of my moves.
Look at this one--I look that way, but I shoot this way.
[laughter]
Space hook!
- What the fuck is a space hook?
- Hi, how are you? - Hi. Good.
- Here's my problem with him. He's too nice.
So I've been giving him some trash talking, you know?
- Oh, nice.
- Yeah, that works in the Netherlands.
- Yeah. - Van Gogh fuck yourself.
- Oh, yeah, I like that one. - That's a winner.
I'm just gonna say something else.
You're a handsome guy. - Thank you.
- But I think your hair is too polite.
We're gonna make you look a little tougher.
- Okay. - Cool?
Okay, now we are talking.
You look fierce. - You think so?
- Yeah, you look like an anemic Sonic the Hedgehog.
It looks like I just caught him in my garden eating cabbage.
[laughter]
This is your coach? - Yes.
- What do you think of my man Lucas as a player?
- He's a really good player. - He's a good player?
- Yes, a good player. - But there's a problem.
- What is the problem? - He can't trash talk.
- No. - Well, why not?
- Because in Netherlands, you get technical foul.
- You get a technical foul if you trash talk?
- Yeah. - You didn't tell me that!
If I played with your team, would I be a useful player?
- You're pretty good in shape,
but you're not good enough for our team.
- You don't think I'm good enough for your team?
- No, not at all.
- I'm gonna be the best player on your team.
- Let's play some one-on-one with Dave.
- Dave. - Dave.
- You want to play some one-on-one with him?
- Yeah, I want to play one-on-one with Dave.
- Yeah? - You don't scare me.
I think you're a terrible basketball player.
You're weak. You're inferior to me.
I crush you like a bug.
Bleh!
You will be so embarrassed when I'm done with you,
you will leave the sport forever.
- What will be the score?
- The score, by the time I'm done?
- Yeah. - Numbers don't go that high.
[buzzer sounding]
What happened?
[person cheers]
[laughter]
Psych you out!
Ah!
[buzzer sounds]
That guy is juicing like crazy.
I don't know what he's taking.
But I turned off the light at one point, he was glowing.
[laughter] He keeps visiting Chernobyl.
Guys, you were very generous.
You taught me your style of basketball
here in the Netherlands.
And I want to say, from the bottom of my heart,
I thank you.
all: Van Gogh fuck yourself!
[Dutch folk music]
- One of the most iconic symbols of the Netherlands
is the wooden shoe.
And even though carving them is an 800-year-old tradition,
this guy didn't look a day over 400.
I'm standing here with Roel and his son Tim.
And you guys make wooden shoes, yes?
- This is typically Dutch.
One block of wood, a total shoe.
We just produce shoes.
And if people buy them, I'm happy.
If they don't buy them, I'm still happy.
It's okay. [laughter]
- Wow. You're a terrible businessman.
What is the advantage of a wooden shoe?
- Everybody has plastic shoes on his feet.
- Yeah.
- You get sweaty feet. - Sweaty feet.
- You get cold feet. - Cold feet.
You can't play athletics in wooden shoes, right?
- I can run in them. - You can run in them?
Are you a fast runner? - Eh...
[heavy thudding]
[exciting music]
- I like your hair. Your hair is kind of like my hair.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
- I just got a little bit more, I think.
- You have a little more hair, yes.
- A little more.
- Well, I think you do. You're a younger man.
Of course, I'll be losing hair. And soon, the tomb awaits.
- Yeah, I know.
- Has anyone ever thrown a shoe at someone else as a weapon?
You seem like you're getting nervous.
- Yeah, that's not--
- Have you killed a man with a shoe?
- No, I don't.
- Are you thinking about it? - No.
- I bet your son's thought about it.
You ever wanted to kill someone with a shoe?
- I never did, no. I never thought about it either.
- Well, you're thinking about it now, aren't you?
- Now I am, yeah, sure.
- You're a man of very direct, simple words.
But maybe your country ways are better than my city ways.
I live in a high office tower.
I'm a hedge-fund manager.
I'm filled with misery and pain.
But in a Hallmark movie, I come here, I start making the shoes.
I meet a woman who thinks I'm the fancy guy from the city,
but I think her ways are stupid and provincial.
But then we love each other at the end,
and we make shoes together.
[lively accordion melody]
Then they catch fire, and she's killed.
Let's go on in. - Okay.
♪ ♪
- So this is a block of poplar. - That's correct.
- Out of this block, we're going to make me a shoe?
- Yes. - Wow.
I'm a size U.S. 12, narrow foot.
Not much of an arch, so I like a little extra support.
- Big problem.
No, it's okay. We will make a shoe. It's fine.
- Okay.
♪ ♪
- At this moment, we are making 10 1/2 centimeters.
It's a real small one. - That's for, like, a baby.
- I make mountains of these little shoes
because they sell very good. - People like the little ones?
- Yeah, America loves little shoes.
- It's sort of a shoe-venir.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Shoe-venir. - Yeah.
♪ ♪
- Oh. - Potato.
Fresh wood feels a lot like cutting potatoes.
- Yes, it does feel like a potato.
And you know what? I know potatoes.
- And if you make them quick, they stay cheap.
- Nice. - And it's not made in China.
- There you go.
- This is still typically Dutch,
and they're even very cheap. - Yeah, yeah.
- You got that on the camera? - Yes.
- Yeah? Okay. - Perfect, good.
Yeah.
- You didn't expect that one, eh?
- No, I didn't expect that at all.
- The yellow shoe is the working shoe for farmers.
- Oh.
- The man always have a dark color.
And his wife always have a light color.
- That's nice.
- And we have very big woman in the Netherlands.
- The women are bigger than the men?
- Sometimes. both: Yeah.
- This man got a real big problem.
- Well...
- Imagine he's going to kiss his wife.
How does he do that one?
[laughter] Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- It takes a little getting used to.
Here's the problem. You turn this way.
Let's say I'm a bad guy, and I want to sneak up on you
and kill you. - Ah...
- Watch this. - [laughing]
I hear you coming. Oh!
- You're long gone by the time I get there.
- Yeah. - This is bad for a killer.
- Hey. - What about dancing?
- I'm not a dancer. You're a dancer.
He's a very good dancer.
- Yeah, it's gonna take getting used to.
But, yeah, these are wooden shoes.
- Mm-hmm.
- These are shoes that are made of wood.
- Mm-hmm.
- Roel didn't realize
that I was about to blast his clog business
into the stratosphere.
Check it out, Roel--
Crogs-- all the comfort of a clog,
all the ugliness of a Croc.
♪ ♪
[bell ringing] Your name is?
both: Jonathan. - And you are from?
- Okay, Sweden.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry.
Oh, these guys are so mad at me.
- Oh, you have a girlfriend?
Oh, incredible.
Jonathan from Sweden road up alongside of me,
ditching his girlfriend, who's on a bike.
She doesn't know where you are now.
- Probably don't have a girlfriend anymore.
- I'm gonna tell you for a fact
you do not have a girlfriend anymore.
How did you meet your girlfriend?
- I met her on an app. I can do it again.
- Wow.
Okay, well, ladies, this is what awaits you.
I think this is a great guy as long
as there's never any celebrity distraction, you know?
- That is a big risk.
- Yeah, you could have a wife and three kids,
and if you saw Erik Estrada on the other side of the street,
bang, that family's over. - True.
- That's an old reference, but look it up.
The Netherlands plays a critical role
in the administration of global justice.
I'm in the Hague, the capital of the Netherlands.
Behind me is the International Court of Justice.
Famously, this is where worldwide criminals,
despots, and murderers are held to account.
They are put on trial, and when they have the--
- Excuse me, sir, are you Conan O'Brien?
- Yes, I am, would you--
- I'm afraid you have to come with us, sir.
- No, I don't have to go you. - Come with us, sir.
- I do not have to go with-- no, I don't think
I have to go with you at all. - Come with us, sir. Come.
- We now go
to the International Court of Justice,
trial 489--
every country of the world versus Conan O'Brien.
- Your Honors, for years, the defendant,
Conan O'Brien, has traveled the globe
committing offenses in the name of so-called comedy.
Luckily for us, he was foolish enough
to record all of his crimes.
- [screaming]
[sobbing]
[players yelling]
both: Um... - Oh, my God.
- [growling]
He's faster than I thought.
[chicken toy squeaking]
In my defense, I will say this.
I have great respect for the Netherlands.
- "Great respect for the Netherlands"?
[tense music]
- [kicking door]
You must be Edam, because you're no Gouda.
Wait a minute. Where did you get that footage?
We shot that, like, an hour ago.
Who gave 'em the footage?
Is my team helping you? Guys!
[laughter]
- And, finally, Your Honors,
I present to you
the defendant's most egregious of crimes--singing.
- Singing's not a crime.
- It wasn't...
until now.
[sweeping orchestral music]
- ♪ I'm turning around ♪
♪ Like Julie Andrews ♪
♪ I'm looking at the fjord ♪
[electronic music]
♪ There's salmon in the sea ♪
[singing in Thai]
♪ ♪
[choir vocalizing]
[muttering falsetto]
♪ ♪
[person coughs]
- Well, Mr. O'Brien, do you have anything
to say in your defense?
- Your Honors, I never meant to hurt
or cause a global rift.
And I always thought that singing...
♪ Was my greatest gift ♪
♪ I like to sing ♪
♪ I like to croon ♪
♪ I like to rhyme the words June with moon ♪
♪ If that's a crime, then so it be ♪
♪ Lock me up and throw away the key ♪
[Taser buzzes, body thuds]
[dramatic music]
- Hi, Conan.
I think I have at least managed to patch things up with Hannah.
- Well, I will never forget you abandoning me,
but lots of flowers and chocolates later,
I guess the relationship technically still lives on.
- [chuckles] Thanks, Conan.
Wait, is that Kathy Griffin?
- This is deranged.
[bright tone]