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Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Anjelah Johnson-Reyes.
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
Wow.
Nashville.
I am so honored
to be recording my sixth hour special here
at the historic Ryman Auditorium.
What a blessing.
I've been doing standup comedy since I was 24 years old.
I am now 40.
Aw, thank you for cheering for that part.
I'm getting older.
I'll be honest, having a hard time with it.
I thought I was gonna be the girl
that no matter what age I was, I was just gonna embrace it,
like, "That's me.
Yes, queen, yes."
Turns out that's something you say in your 20s.
Then you get to your 40s and you're like, "Ooh, no queen.
What happened?
Oh no.
That's too much eyelid."
It's scary getting older.
It's scary for women getting older
because men, if you get gray hair, that's sexy.
That's salt and pepper, eh.
Women, we get gray hair and it's like, "Oh."
"What happened?"
That's not fair.
I gotta start changing some things about my life.
I can't keep shopping at the same stores I used to shop at
like Forever 21.
No, you're not.
Turns out that was a lie.
I cannot be in line behind some 21-year-old
buying the same dress as her.
She's out here living her best life.
I'm trying to remember to take my vitamins.
We like the same dress for different reasons.
She's like, "Ooh, has pockets for my ID."
I'm like, "Ooh, pockets for my Tums."
You gotta put that down.
Go to Ann Taylor Loft where we belong.
Go to White House Black Market.
Do a loop-de-loop at Talbots.
Pass by J. Jill.
Peek your head in at Chicos.
And then go home 'cause your feet hurt.
I'm approaching the age
where I'm gonna start getting my clothes
at the same place I get my groceries.
Say I won't.
You will catch me at Costco.
Yes.
About to get them Kirkland Jeans,
them Kirkland socks, that Kirkland body wash.
Hey, this Kirkland Gang Gang, what?
It's about to be my new Tuesday.
I'm gonna start out front,
gimme a hotdog and a soda for a dollar 50.
Then I'll flash my VIP card and bozy on in.
I start with a lap of samples.
Then I take my hair outta my ponytail.
Make a lap in the other direction.
Round two.
Hey, but if you come in for a second sample at Costco,
be warned.
These sample ladies get offended.
They act a type of way, if you come in for a second sample,
like they have been baking from scratch all day long.
Like really, Beth?
Just gimme another chicken tender.
Why you gotta do this?
It's embarrassing enough just asking for a sample.
It's embarrassing, right?
Because you have to pretend
like you've never heard of this product before.
You said it's a tender?
And you dip it.
Sure, I'll try one.
I be coming up with lies just to get a second sample.
I do, I'll be like, "I'm sorry,
can I get another one for my husband is really hungry."
Where is he, oh he's at home.
I forget that I'm a little bit famous
and sometimes people recognize me
because one time I came in for a second sample
and the sample lady was like, "I've seen you."
I was like, "On TV?"
She goes, "No, this is your third time."
Mind your business, Beth.
It's hard getting older.
There's too many acronyms to keep up with now.
Like my friend text me the other day, she was like, TLDR.
I was like, what's that?
She said, "Too long, didn't read."
I was like, "Oh, well, too short, didn't understand."
I know BRB and LOL, that's it.
And I have come to realize
that I am far too generous with my LOLs.
LOL has become a common courtesy.
It's just a thing you say.
Like another common courtesy.
If somebody's next to you and they sneeze, what do you say?
Bless you.
But are you really blessing them from God?
No, it's just a thing you say.
When your friend texts you and they're trying to be funny.
What do you say?
LOL.
Did you really laugh out loud?
No, you didn't.
At this point LOL just means I have received your text.
If I reply to your text with LOL, at most,
a little bit of air came out my nostril.
If I replied to your text with LOL,
this is how I read your text.
Like it was funny, but I don't know how to type back.
If I reply to your text with ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, that's funny.
If I reply to your text with bwa-ha-ha-ha,
like B-W-H-A-H-A, that means that was so funny
I had to spit something out my mouth.
If I reply to your text with rows of ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
I start using other letters
like hhak-ha-ha-ha-q- r-s-t-ha-ha,
That means that I said something funny
and I'm really proud of myself.
It's hard getting older, but no matter how old I get,
I will always be younger than my sister, okay?
I'm my sister's little sister.
Any other little sisters here tonight?
Little sisters.
Dare I say the little sister is the best sister?
Probably because the older sister is exhausted
from having to raise the rest of us, right?
Because when mom was at work, she had to cook,
she had to clean, she gave herself spanking privileges.
My sister was stressed out by the time she was 13.
We'd catch her on the side of the house
smoking those candy cigarettes.
There was a dark period of time
where she was going through about six packs a day.
Probably 'cause those things only had one puff of smoke
in each cigarette.
Those were some wild times, man.
We'd be at the ice cream truck ordering fake cigarettes,
fake chewing tobacco.
I was nine years old doing lines of lemon salt on my hand.
Wild.
I am my sister's little sister.
We grew up best friends, we're still best friends.
I talk to my sister like five times a day,
which is great for me.
Not so much for her 'cause she has a real job.
And I call her when she's at work,
so she answers the phone in her work voice.
Hello?
I go, "Hi, what's up?"
Oh, nothing, what are you doing?
I'm working.
Dang, you work every day?
All right then.
Anyway, I was watching this show last night.
It was real good.
But then I fell asleep and I had the craziest dream.
I was hiking up this mountain
and there were these little birds in my shoe
that kept chirping at me.
Then I get to the top of the mountain
and grandma's house is there, but not grandma from San Jose,
grandma from Reno.
And I was like, "Dang, that's crazy."
Anyway, what are you doing?
Still working.
Oh, okay, call me later.
Bye.
Then I hang up.
Only she doesn't call me later, so I have to call her later.
But she's at work, I don't wanna be a pest.
So I give it like at least an hour and I call her back.
Now she answers the phone, no more work voice.
Now she has deadlines, she has things to do.
Now she answers the phone, "What's up?"
Oh, real quick.
Do you remember when dad used to take us camping?
Yeah.
And remember how we always used to have
those Dorito sandwiches with pickles in the middle?
Yeah.
Those are good, huh?
And you'd think she'd be pissed
'cause I'm wasting her time.
But now we're talking about food and food is our jam.
So she participates.
Those were so good,
I haven't thought about those in forever.
I know, do you ever think about Chef Boyardee raviolis?
Yeah.
Do you ever think about fish sticks?
Yeah.
Okay, I'll call you later, bye.
If I ever call my sister and she doesn't answer the phone,
I automatically assume it was a mistake.
She left her phone in the bathroom,
I should definitely call her right back.
And if she still doesn't answer the phone,
then I wait for the text message from her
that says on a conference call, what's up?
If I don't get the on a conference call,
what's up text that I know for a fact
she's probably being attacked
and I should definitely call her
until she answers the phone.
But she loves it though.
You know what I mean?
Especially when she's real busy at work.
I'm like a breath of fresh air.
Sometimes I call my sister and we don't say anything at all.
We're just on the phone and my husband doesn't get it.
He's like, "What are you doing?
Hang up the phone."
I'm talking to my sister.
But neither one of you're saying anything.
Yeah, because we're thinking
about what we're gonna say next.
I love hanging out with my sister, we hang out all the time.
Although it's been difficult over the past few years
'cause of the pandemic.
And I find it funny
that everybody experienced it differently
depending on what part of the world you live in.
Like I remember when things first started going down
in 2020, we were watching the news
and it was like everybody in Italy was dying.
Everybody in Spain had to stay in the house.
Everybody in Florida was on spring break, whole time.
Just wilding.
I don't even know if they heard about COVID.
Because they were at the club every night like,
♪ Hey, I'm a savage, yeah ♪
♪ Classy, bougie, ratchet, yeah ♪
And I was at home watching the news like,
"Florida, what are you doing?
You're embarrassing us."
I remember when things started getting real serious
and they were like, "All right, nobody can go to work.
Only essential employees."
And first of all, let's give it up
for any essential employees that are here tonight.
We thank you.
We appreciate you, we are grateful for you.
Whether you were in the ER or at Trader Joe's.
It was a scary time, we didn't know what was happening.
And you put that Hawaiian shirt on and you showed up.
We appreciate that.
It was an emergency.
I needed my honey sesame cashews.
They said, only essential employees can go to work.
So in my mind, I was visualizing
all these high rise buildings empty, cubicles empty,
offices empty.
It did not compute in my brain
that that also meant TJ Maxx was closed.
Because I went to TJ Maxx and the doors were locked.
And I was like, "What's this?"
They said, "It's a world pandemic."
I was like, "Yeah, but at TJ Maxx though,
isn't this essential?
It is for me."
Any other Maxxanistas in the building tonight?
Yes, Maxxanistas.
We go to TJ Maxx when we don't need anything.
It's just a part of our mental health day.
We just wanna go look at stuff and smell candles.
I feel good at TJ Maxx
knowing that anything I would ever need in life,
I could get right here in this store.
Whatever you need.
You want a new outfit with a matching purse?
We got you over here.
You want some random spices you'll never find anywhere else
over there by the lentil chips.
You want some makeup for 50% off?
Yes, I do.
It's probably seven years old.
But it's Urban Decay for 3.99.
By that point it has urban decayed all the way.
It's as if TJ Maxx was saying, "Here, you throw this away."
I love TJ Maxx.
But they always get me at the end
in that zigzag register line, right?
Where they have all the last minute buys,
all the things you didn't know you needed in your life.
I can be walking around TJ Maxx for like an hour.
I have two things in my cart.
Then I start making my way through the line.
By the time I get to the register, 87 items.
All right here in the home stretch,
you start walking through, you're like,
"Oh wow, candles, coffee mugs,
dog treats, slippers, wow."
And then the line starts moving too fast.
You're like, "Wait, I didn't get to see everything yet.
Hold on.
Excuse, I just wanna smell that candle.
Excuse me, sorry about that."
Oh God, no.
Don't smell that, it's bad.
Don't do it.
Love TJ Maxx.
The doors were locked, I couldn't get in.
I tried.
It's two o'clock.
This is getting serious.
A lot has changed since COVID,
globally on a world scale, things have changed.
But even individually in our own lives,
we have all experienced change in some way.
Like I know people who have quit their careers,
quit the gym,
quit their marriage.
A lot of divorces in 2020.
People were like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I didn't sign up for all this."
Actually, you did, till death do us part.
Yeah, but every day though?
We had some changes happen for us as well.
Like right in the beginning of the quarantine lockdown,
when everybody was losing work,
my best friend and her son moved in with us.
And then what happened was is they're still there.
Yeah, we had said we didn't want kids
and then we adopted a single mom.
It's a blessing.
They move in with us and now we look like
we have our own big love situation happening
because from the outside looking in,
it looks like we have a husband, two wives,
like I imagine when they first moved in,
my neighbors were like, "Oh, that's nice.
Her sister's moving in for a little while."
And now that they're still there, they're probably like,
"Wait, that's her sister or her sister wife?"
And my friend that moved in, she's beautiful.
Just a stunning human being.
So people would message me and be like,
"Aren't you a little concerned
having a beautiful woman around your husband all the time?"
And I was like, "No, not even a little bit."
Like if anything, she got me to step my game up.
She did because like when she moved in,
I started doing that one thing.
What do they call it, try.
I started trying.
I started wearing clothes with zippers and buttons again.
Hey, look at me go.
I had to step my game up,
not 'cause I was concerned about my husband,
I just didn't want the neighbors to think
that she was wife number one.
Her son Elijah, he was 10 years old when they first moved in
and he's used to being parented by one person,
a single mom who's doing the best she can.
So he knew how to work the system.
Then they move in with us
and now he has three adults looking after him.
He loves that part.
And we all have a role in the house.
Penelope is his mom, she tells him what to do
and what not to do because she's the mom.
But if he doesn't listen,
that's when my husband, tio Manwell steps in.
Tio Manwell is like the law of the house.
Yes.
And my role is, I'm the snitch.
Say I won't.
I'm the one that's like, "Oh, are you supposed
to be watching YouTube videos before school?
Hmm, that's interesting."
I love Elijah, I'm very close with Elijah.
I'm his godmother, I'm Nina.
So we have the auntie nephew relationship.
I've been in his life since day one.
Literally the day he was born, I was in the hospital room.
I saw his head come out and go right back in.
He wasn't ready, it was a long day.
I love Elijah.
We're very close, he's my godson.
But something happened, when they moved in,
when our dynamic shifted to be more like siblings who fight.
And I realize we're both fighting for attention.
He's used to having his mom's attention all to himself.
Then they move in with us
and I'm like, "My best friend lives with me.
We're gonna hang out every day, this is gonna be great."
So now I'm the thing in his way,
but he's also the thing in my way.
He doesn't have siblings so he doesn't know how to share.
I don't have kids, I don't know how to share.
So now we just bump heads.
Sometimes Elijah and I will have good conversations
with each other, but other times
I just see him in the hallway and check.
I snitch on Elijah, but he snitches on me too.
'Cause we have security cameras around the house
and he didn't know this at the time, but they record audio.
I got a notification on my phone
that there was motion in the backyard.
So I click on it, "What's this?"
And it's him talking to his mom
and he was complaining about me.
I'll tell you guys what happened right before that.
Give you a little bit of backstory.
We were in the kitchen.
He had just popped off at the mouth, was given an attitude.
So I was like, "Okay, me too."
So she took him in the backyard
to word him up and be like, "What are you doing?
You can't be given an attitude," like something like that.
I missed the beginning of the conversation.
By the time I click on it,
all I hear is him telling his mom,
"Oh yeah, well why does Nina gotta be sarcastic?"
And little does he know my sarcasm
is what paid for this house.
So you're welcome.
But now I have to chime in on my camera speaker.
Oh yeah, I'm sarcastic, that hurt your feelings?
Oh well, if Nina stops being sarcastic,
you start being homeless.
We had another big change happen for us.
'Cause I was born and raised in California.
Spent my whole life there.
Thank you.
So never did I imagine that in the middle of a pandemic
that I would be moving to Nashville, Tennessee.
Thank you.
Listen, that's very kind of you to cheer for that
because I am well aware
that people from Nashville do not like
Californians moving here.
And hey, I get it.
Me either, let's cut it off after me.
This is getting ridiculous.
House prices are through the roof, traffic is insane,
this is not the Nashville I remember moving to.
Learning a lot being a California girl, living in the South.
♪ 'Cause it's different here ♪
I've learned when I go to a restaurant,
if I order an iced tea, it automatically comes
with three pounds of sugar in it.
Y'all call that sweet tea.
We call it diabetea.
Learning a lot.
Very simple things like when I'm in Los Angeles,
if I go to a store and they're like,
"Can I help you find anything?"
I'm like, "I'm okay."
And if I'm feeling really friendly that day I am like,
"I'm okay, thanks."
That's it, that's where it ends.
Then I got to Nashville.
I'm at TJ Maxx one day.
I can hear the ladies in the row next to me.
"Can I help you find anything?"
"I'm all right, but thank you so much for asking."
"It's my pleasure, it's a beautiful day outside."
"Yes it is."
"But they say it's gonna rain about three o'clock.
Make sure you get home before the traffic.
It's gonna be a mess."
"Bless your heart."
I was like, "Ooh, I don't know if I have energy
for the South."
I don't know how to do it.
Like who stops talking first?
Then I look around the corner
and neither one of them even worked there.
And then somebody told me this.
They were like, "Hey, when people say bless your heart,
they can mean it in a good way or a bad way."
And I was like, "What, like how you do a bad bless?"
And they're like, "No, trust me.
Sometimes that's not what they mean."
So now anytime somebody tells me, "Bless your heart,"
just to be safe, I reply with, "Bless your heart."
Yeah, I wish you would bless my heart.
Bless it again, go ahead.
It's kind of like the old fighting words at church.
I'm gonna pray for you.
Oh, that's funny 'cause I'm already praying for you.
Yeah, you been on my prayer wall.
About to lay hands on you too, say I won't.
Learning a lot.
When we first got to Nashville, we were trying to figure out
what part of the city we wanted to live in.
Like where do we fit in?
Where do we vibe with,
finding out this county has good schools,
this county doesn't.
This county believes in COVID, this county doesn't.
Where do we fit?
And I would tell my friends, I'd be like,
"Hey, I wanna live somewhere
where I could get a lot of land."
And they're like, "Okay, you wanna head South."
I'm like, "Okay, cool, co, co, co, cool.
But I also don't want my neighbor to be racist.
So how far South?"
You know what I mean?
Like are we talking Franklin or Pulaski?
Like how far?
Because when you get to the deep, deep South, it's scary.
I've seen movies.
I'm not trying to do that.
I mean if they have a TJ Maxx there, I will pray about it.
And I'm a good neighbor.
Like State Farm, I'm there.
I love my neighbors.
I'm the one that has everybody's phone number.
And if I haven't seen you in a while,
I will send you a text.
"Are you good, do I need to do a welfare check?
I got your back."
'Cause I love my neighbors.
Every holiday season I'm gonna get my neighbors a gift.
Not the whole neighborhood,
just the houses I can see from a front window,
because I love my neighbors,
as long as they love me.
And I know that's not how the Bible verse goes,
but that is my interpretation.
This is not the new King James version.
This is a new Queen Anjelah version.
This is Anjelah 5:14.
"Do unto me as you wanna get done."
That's how you say amen in my Bible.
You could come to my Bible study,
it's on Tuesdays.
Learning a lot.
One thing I learned right out the gate
is allergies are a whole different beast in the South.
Because when I live in Los Angeles,
we don't really get all the seasons.
We get summer and fire.
So Zyrtec works just fine there.
Then I get here, come to find out
Zyrtec lost their subscription or something,
it did not work.
One day I went to pour the Zyrtec pill in my hand
and the wind just blew it off.
It was like, "Don't bother."
It's so fun waking up every morning
playing COVID or allergies.
Do you guys know that game?
where you wake up in the morning
and your sinuses are doing a weird thing
and you're like, "Wait a minute, hold on.
Am I dying or did I have dairy?
Can I taste anything?
Gimme some peanut butter, can I taste?"
I was actually really lucky for the first two years
I did not get COVID at all.
And then earlier this year she got me loho.
She gets around that one.
At this point I know more people who have had it
than who have not had it.
I know people who have had it with no symptoms whatsoever
and I know people personally who have passed away from it.
So my heart goes out to anybody here
who has lost somebody from COVID.
I've been tested for it many times
and the first time I got tested,
my friends try to warn me about it.
They were like, "Yo, it's intense."
And it actually wasn't that bad
probably 'cause they let me do it myself.
Yeah, they gave me the Q-tip
and they're like, "Okay, you wanna go
all the way in your sinuses?"
And I was like, "Okay.
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
How about I just put it in my nostril and I wiggle it a lot.
Can you test boogers?
I'll give you some of those."
The second time I got COVID tested, the nurse did it
and he went all the way up in there
to where like my eyelids started closing.
I was like, "Whoa, you're manually closing my eyelid."
He's like, "It's not that far up there."
I was like, "Nah bro, you're in my brain
like you're giving basic commands at this point.
Like if I punch you, it's not my fault you did it."
He's like, "Well I'm sorry."
I was like, "No, no, no, don't apologize.
Just while you're up there,
do you mind scraping out some of my childhood trauma?
That'd be great."
Could you imagine if that was a real option?
Get your childhood trauma scraped out with a COVID test.
You'd catch me at the CVS pharmacy drive through
like once a week.
They're like, "Can we help you?"
"Hi, I'm here for my COVID test also, when I was eight,
my mom forgot me at the store."
Another thing I've learned living in the South
is the bugs are bigger.
Y'all got some Nashville geographic stuff happening here.
Like in California we have bugs, but our bugs are cute.
Then I get to Nashville,
I went to get in my shower one morning.
There was a spider in my shower.
Now this spider was so big,
I thought I was interrupting him.
I did, I went to open the shower curtain
and I was like, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know anybody was in here, my bad."
He was big, and he was furry too.
Yeah, I didn't know if I should brush it or smush it.
I didn't know.
He was so furry, he had dander.
I need my Zyrtec pill just for the spider dander.
I was like, "Sir, the Head & Shoulders is right there.
Help yourself."
If I ever have to kill a spider that big,
I am morally conflicted,
because at that point that's a pet.
Put a collar on that thing, that's Bubba.
Bubba had plans that day.
He was just getting started, he's in the shower.
That's messed up.
If you ever have to kill a spider that big,
you could hear the crunch.
And if you hear the crunch,
you know that thing had a soul.
That's messed up.
I used to kill any spider or bug that was around me
'cause I don't like bugs at all.
But over the past couple years I have this new found respect
for nature and insects.
So now if I ever see a spider in my house,
what I like to do is scoop it up in a container,
take it outside, throw it in a bush,
and then immediately go like this.
But if I'm left with no choice
and I have to kill a spider,
I now like to start with an apology.
"Listen sir, I know you weren't expecting this today.
I'll be honest, neither was I.
Truth is I don't know you.
You could be poisonous and you could kill me.
So at this point, it's either me or you
and I have chosen you."
There was this one night I was home alone by myself,
because that's what home alone means.
And I was watching the "Night Stalker".
Did you guys see that one?
The documentary about the serial killer
that was in Southern California like back in the eighties.
So I'm home alone watching this show.
Super creepy, episode's done,
I turn the TV off,
and all of a sudden I hear this on my front window.
I said, "Nope."
I ran to my room.
I put on every piece of clothing that I own.
I said, "If he's gonna try to assault me,
he's gonna have to work real hard."
I don't have no weapons in the house.
What's my self-defense weapon?
Denim, three pair.
After a while, nobody came in the house,
but I kept hearing the noise.
Finally, I go to the window,
I move the curtain and I look outside
and it's not a psychopath trying to kill me,
it was a mosquito the size of a bald eagle.
Or maybe it was a cicada, I don't know.
I never seen a cicada in my life.
But everybody kept telling me, "Oh, it's cicada season."
Maybe it was one of those.
Maybe it was a mix of both.
Maybe it was a muscada, I don't know.
Some Nashville geographic stuff happening.
This was the kicker for me though.
There was one night I was driving home
and I'm pulling into my driveway
and what do I see a snake slithering across?
That's where I draw the line right there.
That's where I was like, "All right,
you know what Nashville, bless your heart."
This is getting ridiculous.
I'm not a big fan of wild snakes.
Pet snakes I'm okay with.
Like if there was a snake right here
and he came with a co-signer.
Like he came with a guy
that was like, "Oh yeah, that's my pet, he's cool."
I like that snake, that's a good snake.
Him, I don't know him.
He probably had that snake since he was a baby.
He probably just ate a baby.
Pet snakes I'm okay with.
Like, you know how sometimes you go to a real touristy area
and there'll be that one guy
with like a hundred pound snake around his neck
and he's just walking around.
He's like, "Yeah, you wanna take a picture with my snake?"
I'm like, "I'll do it."
He's like, "All right, 20 bucks."
Yeah, I don't need no picture.
But the point is, I was down.
I was gonna do it if it was free,
because free is my love language.
Learning a lot.
Being a California girl living in the South,
I actually had my very first tornado warning experience.
And like I said, I'm from California.
We don't get tornadoes in California, we get earthquakes.
Now, earthquakes are scary for people
who have never experienced one,
but actually they're not that bad.
To be honest, I will take an earthquake
over a tornado any day.
Like lemme tell you, gimme a 3.5, a solid four.
I will ride that quake.
Like hey.
But a tornado though, I don't know anything about tornadoes.
This is what happened.
We were asleep, it was 3:00 AM.
I get one of those amber alerts on my phone,
the alert that goes off real loud.
And I was like, "Okay, first of all,
what child is getting kidnapped at 3:00 AM
that they need to wake me up to tell me about it.
What VIP child is this
that they think at 3:00 AM I'm gonna run outside
looking for Honda Civics?"
A silver one, it's always silver.
I check my phone, whose kid is this?
And it says, "Tornado warning,
take cover now in a basement."
Ooh, my heart started beating so fast.
I said, "Oh my God, do we even have a basement?
I don't even know."
Because I'm from California,
we don't do basements in California.
That's dangerous, 'cause there could be an earthquake.
I wake up my husband, I was like,
"Babe, babe, we got an alert on the phone.
It says there's gonna be a tornado.
We gotta go in the basement, do we have a basement?"
Now my husband is an army brat.
He grew up everywhere.
He spends a lot of time in Kansas and he was like,
"Oh, we used to get these all the time.
Don't even worry about it.
Just go back to sleep."
To sleep.
But they just woke me up.
I don't think that's what they want.
He was like, "What county is it in?
Oh yeah, that's like five miles away.
We're good, we could watch it from the front."
He went back to sleep, wasn't even stressed at all.
I got up, I said, "Oh no, this is an emergency."
We sleep with one of those sleep sound machines
that plays like the rain sounds.
So we were already in the midst of a storm.
We had our own storm going on.
It was on surround sounds, it was real loud.
There was stuff blowing up on the windows,
but I didn't even notice 'cause I just thought
it was a good episode that night.
I was like, "Ooh, this one's realistic, favorite."
I get up, I turn the sleep machine off
and that is when we can hear the tornado sirens outside.
Then my husband, "Go, go, go, get up, go.
Go, get up, go."
What?
But you said we can watch it.
We both start freaking out.
I'm grabbing things we don't even need
like Windex, a stapler.
Where do we go?
Turns out we do have a basement.
Guess where it is, outside?
Like we're in the "Wizard of Oz".
We keep it locked for safety
and we keep the key in the junk drawer in the kitchen.
You highly underestimate what you consider junk
until you're in an emergency situation.
I don't know how you guys keep your junk drawers at home.
Maybe you're highly organized.
I open up my drawer, I gotta sift through
a bunch of dead batteries, expired coupons,
hella rubber bands.
We don't even use rubber bands,
but every time we get one we gotta save it.
Why?
What is so sacred about a rubber band
that we can't throw it away.
Whether it came wrapped around the newspaper
or asparagus, it's in the drawer now.
And that asparagus rubber band, that's a good one.
Woo, we better save this.
Got about 86 keys in here.
We don't even have 86 locks.
Finally find the basement key.
We go outside, unlock the door, get down into the basement.
And that is when we realize
that we are fully unprepared for this situation.
We have no emergency necessities down there, no water,
no food, no batteries, nothing.
Just me, my husband, and hella spiders.
And they were all looking at me real suspect like too,
like they recognized me.
"That's her.
Listen ma'am, I know you weren't expecting this today,
but this is from a homie Bubba right here."
While we were trying to figure out
what part of the city we wanted to live in,
my husband and I were staying in a studio apartment.
Now, I don't know if anybody here
has ever lived in a studio apartment before,
but when you're young and single, that's banging.
It's convenient.
Like you'll be in your living room watching TV.
You're like, "You know what?
I'm tired, I wanna go lay down in the bedroom.
Boom, already there.
Convenient when you're young and single.
However, studio apartment living when you're married
isn't real conducive to staying married.
Because you have no personal space.
Like at our old house, if we got on each other's nerves,
he goes to this room, I go to that room,
we cool off, we're fine.
Now in a studio apartment,
if we get in an argument when we're done arguing,
we just gotta keep looking at each other's stupid faces.
You know how hard that is?
That is challenging.
That should be a TikTok challenge, do that one.
And my husband's good looking,
typically he's really fun to look at.
But if we have been arguing,
I will make all his pretty features real ugly, real quick.
I'll be like, "You know what?
You see how your teeth are perfectly straight
and you don't need a retainer?
That's annoying.
And like we get it.
You have perfect bone structure.
Honestly, you have no character in your face, get a scar."
If we get into an argument,
my husband doesn't wanna call it an argument,
he wants to call it a talkament.
Just the fact that he wants to call it a talkament,
to me, now we're in a full blown argument.
He wants to call it a talkament
because he wants to talk it out.
Let's get to the bottom of it.
Let's get to the root of the problem.
And when my husband talks it out,
he likes to talk in circles.
Circles are his favorite shape.
He likes to say the same thing he just said,
but a little bit differently 'cause he's talking it out.
And when my husband talks it out,
he likes to ask a lot of questions,
questions, questions, questions, questions.
He thinks he's being inquisitive.
I think that I'm on the stand
and I need to defend myself in a court of law.
Questions, questions, questions, questions.
Yeah, I know you said that, but why?
No, I know that's what you said, but why?
I don't know why.
Yes, you do, objection, badgering a witness.
He's like, overruled.
But why?
No, I know that's what you said, but why?
Because that's how I feel.
Okay, that's your feelings.
But what's your facts though?
That's how you feel.
But what are your facts to support your feelings?
Oh, you're stupid, that's my facts.
And it's not that my husband is stupid,
it's just that I don't know how to talkament.
I can start in a talkament,
we're just having a conversation.
We're both calm until he triggers me,
which is like sentence number three.
And then next thing you know, here come my emotions.
They weren't even invited to this party,
but they showed up ready to say some stuff.
The more questions he asked, the more worked up they get
questions, questions, questions, questions.
Next thing you know, here go my emotions out of my mouth.
And when I'm in an argument,
my words come out like little shanks.
He's over here trying to talkament and I'm just like.
And now I have a bloody word massacre to clean up.
Sorry, I didn't mean it.
I was just trying to win.
My therapist hates that joke.
I am working on it though.
I am working on my communication.
I wish I could be more like my friend Maya.
She's so calm, cool, and collected all the time.
One day I asked her, I was like,
"Girl, do you ever get in an argument with your husband?"
She was like, "Yes."
She started telling me about a argument they got in
and he had said something to her
and she was like, "Okay, see, when you say that,
it makes me feel like what you're saying
is I'm doing it wrong."
And then he was like, "Oh no,
that's not how I meant it at all.
I'm so sorry it came out that way."
That was their argument.
I'm sorry, what?
How do you do that?
Like how many COVID swabs do you need up there
to respond like that?
Like no emotions involved, just clearly communicating.
When you say that, "It makes me feel like
what you're saying is I'm doing it wrong."
Me in that same conversation.
"Oh, so I can't do nothing right then.
Wow, so why you even married to me?"
I am working on it.
Living in a studio apartment when you're married,
things that are normally easy are all of a sudden difficult
like watching TV.
In a studio apartment,
you have to both wanna watch TV at the same time.
Then you have to wanna watch the same thing
at the same volume preference.
Now, I don't know if my husband is hard of hearing,
but to him, if the TV is not at volume 85 or above,
it might as well be on mute.
God forbid I bring the volume down to 65,
he will passive aggressively put on the captions.
It's his silent way of yelling at me.
If my husband cannot feel the vibration of every word
coming out of the TV, not loud enough.
And we watch different stuff.
My husband likes to watch UFC fights
and the Hallmark channel, he's very diverse.
He's into extreme violence and Candace Cameron Bure.
Me, I just wanna watch anything murdery, rapey,
those are my shows.
All the crime shows.
If there is not an investigation to be had,
a bad guy to be caught, a soothing narrator voice
telling me how the woman's body
was dragged behind the building,
then I don't wanna watch it.
I like all the crime shows,
whether it's a network procedural drama
like "Law and Order", "NCIS", "SWAT',
"Criminal Minds", "FBI".
Like anything Dick Wolf, yes, I'm gonna watch that.
But I also love the docuseries shows.
"Forensic Files", "The First 48", that's my show.
And I travel a lot with standup.
So a lot of times I go to cities
that are always on that show.
And I'll arrive in that city and I'll be like,
"Oh my God, I'm in Dade County.
I could totally get murdered right now."
Like I get all star struck.
My favorite one is "Law and Order SVU".
Yes.
Anybody watching the spinoff "Organized Crime"
with Detective Stabler?
Let's talk about Stabler for a second.
Christopher Meloni plays Detective Elliot Stabler.
He was on "Law and Order SVU" for a very long time
and then he left the show for 10 years
and then he came back.
Now I don't know what he did while he was away.
I don't know what they call that,
intermittent fasting, protein shakes, keto.
I don't know what he did.
But when he got on the scene, I got flustered.
I did, I was like, "Oh my God Stabler,
stop flirting with me."
And the day after that premier episode,
he posted on Instagram that it was his 60th birthday.
And I was like, "Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Do I have a crush on my dad's friend?"
What, that's weird, 'cause Stabler can get it.
Let's go 60.
Watching TV with my husband is difficult,
but at least it's not watching TV with my dad.
That is a whole different experience.
Like if you come to the house
and you start watching a movie with my dad
and they say way too many cuss words,
he gets real religious.
God forbid they say the F word, he'll be like,
"Oh, forgive them Father."
My dad's the guy who during an action scene,
he is counting the amount of bullets
coming out of a gun for accuracy.
And the second they go over the allotted amount of bullets
for that type of gun, he has something to say about it.
You think you're just watching a movie.
He's silently fact checking.
"Ah, come on, 47 bullets on a Glock, this isn't real."
Really dad, the bullets is what made it not real,
not the zombies they were shooting.
And why is it so awkward when you're watching a movie
with your parents and a sex scene comes on?
I am a grown adult and it is still awkward
and my dad makes it even worse,
because he gets visibly uncomfortable.
He starts shifting around in his seat, he's sweating,
mumbling things under his breath,
like great, now they're gonna do it.
Speaking of people doing it, I have a story.
When I was younger in my twenties,
I shared an apartment with my friend Vanessa.
And her room faced the apartment building across the way.
Well, there was a couple in that building
that they liked to do the S-E-X with the windows open
and the blinds open, like that was their jam.
So anytime they would start going at it,
she would call me on the phone in my room
and be like, "They're doing it again.
Hurry up, get over here."
And I'd be like, "Ew."
And then I go running over there.
But by the time I get there,
they already started closing the blinds and the windows.
I'm like, "Oh man, missed it again."
And not like I was gonna sit there and watch like a creeper.
But it is kind of a sight to be seen.
Like are you guys trying to tell me
that if you were walking down the street
in your neighborhood and you saw your neighbors
going at it in the front window,
you wouldn't give it a look.
You wouldn't be just minding your own business like.
You won't do a lap.
It's kind of like a car accident on the highway.
You don't want to see a car accident happen,
but if one is there,
you're gonna assess the situation.
Same thing, you see your neighbors
going at it in the window,
you just gotta assess the situation.
Ah, we got a fender bender.
Bender all the way over.
Living in a studio apartment when you're married,
it's very difficult.
But there is one good thing about it.
I will say this, one good thing,
we could only fit a smaller size bed in the apartment.
So my husband had no choice but to cuddle me at night,
which I love but he hates
because he says I'm the hottest person alive.
And to that I say, "thank you so much."
My husband says, "I'm like a furnace."
Any other furnaces in the building tonight?
Yeah, he'll get in the bed
and be like, "Seriously baby, you don't feel yourself?"
We like to sleep with a bedroom at Sub-Zero temperatures.
Yeah, but I like all the blankets on
so I'm nice and cozy with my face a little bit cool.
He likes no blankets on, just skin to air contact,
psychopath.
I have to negotiate cuddle time with my husband.
Like he'll get in the bed and I try to cuddle him
and he'll be like, "Babe, come on, it's hot.
Seriously babe, it's hot.
I can't sleep if I'm hot, come on."
And I'll be like, "Just gimme two minutes of cuddling."
He'll be like, "Okay, fine."
"Siri set a timer for two minutes"
And if he even tries to pull away
before that buzzer goes off, I'm like,
"Nice try, 30 second penalty."
I got a tip for all the furnaces out there.
This is a tip, this is what I do.
I go to bed first and I pretend like I'm asleep
like an angel.
Then I wait for him to get in the bed,
get nice and comfortable.
This is the trick right here.
You gotta wait for his breathing to slow down.
Right when it gets nice and slow,
that's when you just spider leg him up.
Welcome to tarantula's web.
Try it.
If my husband tries to tell me that it's too hot to cuddle,
I'll be like, "Okay, can you rub my feet then?"
And I'm very grateful because anytime I ask my husband
to rub my feet, he will do it.
But it only lasts about two minutes.
And then he gives up
and then I have to tap my foot
to let him know he's not done yet.
Hello.
Boo boo.
It's not even time for your first 15 minute break.
Yellow.
And then he starts rubbing my feet again
for maybe another three minutes and then he just taps out.
And this is how my husband tells me
that he is done rubbing my feet.
He goes like this, "Ah, ugh"
He gets the most aggressive hand cramp.
Ugh, cancel all my plans this week.
When I do finally get my husband to cuddle me at night,
he likes to whisper sweet nothings, it's really cute.
He'll say things like, I just want you to get off me.
It's so romantic.
Living in a studio apartment when you're married
is difficult because you have no personal space.
It's like every time I turn around, my husband's there,
I turn around, he's right here,
turn around, he's right there.
Like, "Whoa, weren't you just here?
How'd you do that?"
Every time I turn around, he's there.
It reminds me of a song I know
called "Total Eclipse of the Heart".
You guys remember that song?
Well, I felt like it was time for a remake.
So I wrote some new lyrics, you wanna hear it?
Yeah.
Okay, I'll do it for you guys.
But here's the thing, I need your help.
- Yes. - I need you guys
to sing all the turn around parts.
- Do you know what I mean? - Yes.
All right, let's do a practice round.
Okay, 'cause only seven of you knew what I meant.
You guys do all the turn arounds but nothing else.
Practice round, here we go.
♪ Turn around ♪
That was pretty good.
I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting it to be that good.
I don't know if they sat you guys in section
by Soprano and Alto, but that was harmonious.
Maybe you guys listened to the song on the way here.
I don't know, but it was fresh in your mind.
Okay, this is "Total Eclipse of the Heart"
remake based on my time living
in a studio apartment with my husband.
You guys do all the turn arounds.
I'll do everything else.
Here we go.
I'll start.
♪ Turn around ♪
♪ Every now and then I get some time to myself ♪
♪ And then you ruin it by chewing too loud ♪
♪ Turn around ♪
♪ Every now and then I reminisce of the times ♪
♪ When I could pee without you being around ♪
♪ Turn around ♪
♪ There you go again ♪
♪ How did you get there so fast ♪
♪ Weren't you just standing right behind me somehow ♪
♪ Turn around ♪
♪ Oh my God, when will I be back inside a house ♪
♪ Where I can have more than one room ♪
♪ Where you're not near me when I Zoom ♪
♪ Where I don't have to hear you laugh ♪
♪ That makes me wanna kick your- ♪
♪ Once upon a time I had a room to myself ♪
♪ Now feels like a tiny motel ♪
♪ There's nothing I can do ♪
♪ I'm totally living in hell ♪
Nashville, thank you so much.
I love you.
♪ So, get on my level ♪
♪ Get on my level ♪
♪ You trying too hard, you're not on my level ♪
♪ So, get on my level ♪
♪ Don't care what they say, you're not on my level ♪
♪ So, get on my level ♪
♪ Game up, on my level ♪
♪ On my level ♪
♪ So, get on my level ♪
♪ Get on my level ♪
♪ You trying too hard, you're not on my level ♪
♪ So, get on my level ♪
♪ Don't care what they say, you're not on my level ♪
♪ So, get on my level ♪
♪ Game up, on my level ♪
Pause for a hug break.
You guys, look what I found
that my husband was leaving behind,
- a very nice picture of me. - No I wasn't.
Just, who cares, right?
♪ Tell me for sho ♪
Banzo has not seen it empty yet.
♪ When you moved and I got yo ♪
♪ Fan base in a bath stall ♪
♪ Trying take pics with my hand, like dang y'all ♪
♪ With some fam y'all ♪
♪ No new friends ♪
♪ My money tight, no loose ends ♪
♪ This creed y'all, that loose ends ♪
- ♪ I build ♪ - There's no train
that's more than two miles long, babe.
You know the history of trains?
It's not, I've seen trains,
I've been on trains, I've never seen a train.
So what do you think this is, a pretend train?
♪ So, get on my level ♪
♪ Don't care what they say, you're not on my level ♪
♪ We out here in the middle of nowhere, Arkansas ♪
♪ Game up, on my level ♪
If your best pro shop isn't this big,
are you even best pro-ing?
♪ On my level ♪
♪ You're not on my level ♪
♪ So get on my level ♪
We made it to Nashville.
♪ Get on my level ♪
♪ You trying too hard, you're not on my level ♪
♪ So, get on my level ♪
♪ Don't care what they say, you're not on my level ♪
♪ So, get on my level ♪
♪ Game up, on my level ♪
♪ So, get on my level ♪
♪ Get on my level ♪
♪ You trying too hard, you're not on my level ♪
♪ So, get on my level ♪
♪ Don't care what they say, you're not on my level ♪