1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:10,000
[MUSIC]

2
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,000
All right, Chevy.

3
00:01:03,119 --> 00:01:04,159
[LAUGH]

4
00:01:04,159 --> 00:01:06,640
Chevy, you're very handsome.

5
00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:08,000
How did you become so funny?

6
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:09,319
What was the first part?

7
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:10,560
[LAUGH]

8
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:13,079
What I said, if I
just stare it into the camera,

9
00:01:13,079 --> 00:01:14,400
that'd take a lot of guts.

10
00:01:15,079 --> 00:01:16,519
[LAUGH]

11
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:21,400
There were bells on the
hill, but I never heard them ringing.

12
00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:23,359
[MUSIC]

13
00:01:23,359 --> 00:01:23,959
Actual right.

14
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:31,439
[MUSIC]

15
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:32,319
Hi.

16
00:01:33,239 --> 00:01:33,920
[LAUGH]

17
00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:35,040
Did I spill your meat back?

18
00:01:37,359 --> 00:01:37,400
[LAUGH]

19
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:38,519
[MUSIC]

20
00:01:38,519 --> 00:01:40,920
I'm Garak Mars
talking to all you white Americans

21
00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:43,000
about the way black
people have been treated in America.

22
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:47,040
Now I know a lot of
you feel guilty and you should.

23
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:47,680
[LAUGH]

24
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:53,959
You see, having a catheter,
a lot of people think it's funny.

25
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:55,200
[LAUGH]

26
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,840
And they like to see me dance.

27
00:01:58,959 --> 00:01:59,000
[LAUGH]

28
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:03,760
Now I look up and I'll see it
coming down now real quick and I'll see discs.

29
00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:05,239
Where are the discs?

30
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:07,280
All right.

31
00:02:07,719 --> 00:02:11,439
Rad, rad, rad, nice,
you know, I could buy a lot.

32
00:02:11,759 --> 00:02:14,159
We're a little around, we're a
little around, I'll see all kinds of lights.

33
00:02:14,159 --> 00:02:14,960
Then they'll just drop me.

34
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,759
If you get that much
iron, you probably have to over eat.

35
00:02:17,759 --> 00:02:18,599
Then you're on Tech H

36
00:02:18,599 --> 00:02:21,520
on my order to white-dealed relief fund.

37
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:22,159
Okay, ready?

38
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:23,879
Here we go.

39
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:26,319
[MUSIC]

40
00:02:26,319 --> 00:02:27,120
[INAUDIBLE]

41
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:31,680
Why don't you take a flip, guys?

42
00:02:32,039 --> 00:02:32,400
Free show.

43
00:02:32,879 --> 00:02:47,879
[INAUDIBLE] You are invited to
a new variety spectacular featuring a

44
00:02:47,879 --> 00:02:51,439
parade of comedy and
musical acts ripped from the charts.

45
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:53,400
Jesus Christ.

46
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:54,039
Why are they on there?

47
00:02:54,039 --> 00:02:55,080
Such a cavalcade of talent.

48
00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:58,159
Hey, man.

49
00:02:58,360 --> 00:02:58,800
You okay?

50
00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:02,560
You asked me again in 90 minutes.

51
00:03:03,719 --> 00:03:04,039
Why?

52
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,280
What happens in 90 minutes?

53
00:03:05,639 --> 00:03:06,599
Uh, we go live.

54
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:07,560
Oh, wow.

55
00:03:07,879 --> 00:03:08,599
All right, man.

56
00:03:08,599 --> 00:03:09,000
Congrats.

57
00:03:09,479 --> 00:03:10,240
Yes, thank you.

58
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:12,719
Hey, wait, if it's live,
then why the hell are you down here?

59
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:13,840
For sure.

60
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,240
I'm, for fuck's sake, waiting for--

61
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:16,879
[INAUDIBLE]

62
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,360
Ah, it's 10 o'clock, Andy.

63
00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:20,520
Here, come on.

64
00:03:20,879 --> 00:03:21,960
Where do I park?

65
00:03:22,439 --> 00:03:24,800
You are invited to
a new variety spectacular.

66
00:03:25,159 --> 00:03:26,479
Can you just pick
up another one, Miss Scott?

67
00:03:26,479 --> 00:03:27,280
Do you like my suit?

68
00:03:28,439 --> 00:03:32,599
[INAUDIBLE] Where do they
honor such a cavalcade of talent?

69
00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:34,879
[MUSIC]

70
00:03:34,879 --> 00:03:37,360
[SNAP]

71
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,159
[SNAP]

72
00:03:39,159 --> 00:03:40,000
[SNAP]

73
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:40,800
[SNAP]

74
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:40,960
[SNAP]

75
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,039
[SNAP]

76
00:03:43,479 --> 00:03:44,199
Andy, please, come on.

77
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:45,520
This is beautiful.

78
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,159
You know, actually,
down there is where Diego Rivera

79
00:03:49,159 --> 00:03:51,439
was hired to paint a
fresco for the American worker.

80
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:53,360
I cannot see this.

81
00:03:53,599 --> 00:03:54,319
Well, no one can.

82
00:03:54,319 --> 00:03:56,000
He's Diego's a commie, and I'm glad I'm

83
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:57,599
related in the middle
of the night to the Rockefell.

84
00:03:57,919 --> 00:03:59,360
Delivery's used to
back. I'm pretty sure--

85
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:00,520
Where's your bitch? My--

86
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:01,719
Where's his bitch?

87
00:04:02,039 --> 00:04:03,159
Look, my name is Lorne Michaels.

88
00:04:03,159 --> 00:04:04,400
I'm the producer of Saturday Night.

89
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:05,280
The whole night? Hey, hey.

90
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:06,240
Yeah, the whole night.

91
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:07,080
I just got a show.

92
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:08,240
I could, you see.

93
00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:09,520
I'm on a Saturday night. Andy, please.

94
00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:09,960
I must be some show.

95
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,000
Hey, you're doing a great job. Really.

96
00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:13,240
Great stuff. Funny name, Saturday Night.

97
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:15,120
Funny name, please. Me and Rashi.

98
00:04:15,639 --> 00:04:16,800
Uh, eight floor in Bookit.

99
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:18,040
What are you seeing now?

100
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:22,560
So, big night.

101
00:04:22,959 --> 00:04:23,879
Oh, Andy, have you had dinner?

102
00:04:24,959 --> 00:04:26,439
Yes, I had spaghetti.

103
00:04:26,839 --> 00:04:27,720
Oh, that sounds delicious.

104
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:29,560
Hey, Lorne, I'm
getting calls from upstairs.

105
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:30,839
You ordered a llama?

106
00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:34,399
A llama? Yeah, we all
decided it was much funnier than donkey.

107
00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,959
Right, just the guys now at the
loading dock were expecting a, you know, livestock.

108
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:40,000
Well, NBC did ask for
something fresh and unexpected.

109
00:04:40,399 --> 00:04:41,439
That is true. That's true.

110
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:43,560
Uh, just, you know, they
also weren't expecting you to

111
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,759
demand an overhaul in the
entire lighting and sound package.

112
00:04:47,959 --> 00:04:51,120
Did anyone ask Edison what a light
bulb was before you harnessed electricity?

113
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:54,199
Who are you in the metaphor?

114
00:04:55,680 --> 00:05:00,480
Did I? But we can't expect people to
recognize something they've never seen before.

115
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,120
Right, okay, yes, you're correct.

116
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:03,959
But how about a final
script? It's not my kind of show.

117
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:07,240
Okay, but what kind of show is it,
Lorne? Do you even know what the show is?

118
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:08,040
Of course.

119
00:05:09,079 --> 00:05:10,399
Are you gonna
share it with the rest of us?

120
00:05:10,759 --> 00:05:11,000
Yes.

121
00:05:13,319 --> 00:05:13,959
In 88 minutes.

122
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:14,720
Oh, my God.

123
00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:17,759
Have you tested the
quality of the sound system?

124
00:05:17,759 --> 00:05:18,319
I don't know what happened.

125
00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:20,279
Because your speakers look
left over from our tour of Dunceniti.

126
00:05:20,639 --> 00:05:22,240
Ah, I mean, that's probably my job.

127
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,720
Bro, we want you to do
it with one or more lights.

128
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:26,639
This is your card.

129
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:27,519
How do you do that?

130
00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:29,319
He's a fucking magician, I'm not.

131
00:05:29,399 --> 00:05:31,959
You know, you gotta
be right by my side, man.

132
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,040
Lock my hip. Remember, when you're here,

133
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:35,759
you're not my cousin,
you're my executive assistant.

134
00:05:35,759 --> 00:05:36,879
You're important.
Really? Like in the credits?

135
00:05:37,399 --> 00:05:38,959
No, but I know.
You're really in control, right?

136
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,959
So Balushi hasn't
signed his contract yet?

137
00:05:41,199 --> 00:05:43,160
Oh, and the llama's
right. Oh, great, thanks, Barbara.

138
00:05:43,319 --> 00:05:46,160
Neil, memo, we need to
re-educate the NBC pages on the show.

139
00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:47,000
You should have heard the guy outside.

140
00:05:47,399 --> 00:05:50,560
Saturday night, it's no
kind of entertainment. It's abstract.

141
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:51,920
Oh, God.

142
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:53,319
The llama's also a god.

143
00:05:54,199 --> 00:06:00,639
You'll have to come
out, you need to rehearse.

144
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,480
Oh, careful. You're still trying.

145
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:05,720
This is monument working.

146
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,839
Mr. Pressner, would
you please tell us who you are?

147
00:06:09,319 --> 00:06:10,480
Jake, we still have that. We are.

148
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,199
Which is how you
became a magician, but...

149
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:17,120
You are so bloody. Hey, come on, Eddie.

150
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,399
You got my Nazi Dr. Joe little?

151
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,079
Uh, she's lying. He has
space of making his animals talk.

152
00:06:22,279 --> 00:06:23,680
I'll check with him when I check again.

153
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:25,560
Package was addressed
to Al Franken and Tom Davis.

154
00:06:25,839 --> 00:06:28,040
I don't know what the joke is.
How do you lose 28 gallons of blood?

155
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,160
85 minutes till showtime.

156
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:33,800
Come on, guys. He's down.

157
00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:34,959
The intentions need to be crisp.

158
00:06:35,519 --> 00:06:37,439
It tastes like there's a
hook or a hole in the ceiling.

159
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:38,560
Wait for your stage rights.

160
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,439
I'll be any clerk we're
all hiding here. Hey, you too.

161
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,519
Hey, you up too.
Burning Sage, removing demons.

162
00:06:46,959 --> 00:06:48,040
Ooh, Gary, don't do voodoo.

163
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,879
Amy, this is Billy Crystal at
Valor's Bromfield at both of the shows.

164
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:54,519
Hey! Hey!

165
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,959
Very nice. Please stay with us.
Amy is a certifiable comedic genius.

166
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,399
He's redefining the format.
We are in the presence of greatness.

167
00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:06,399
Where is the bathroom?
Neil, can you show me the washroom?

168
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:10,040
There you are, Lord. I can't
authorize the purpose of dancing, sir.

169
00:07:10,399 --> 00:07:12,759
You have to crush your
best hair. He's out of control.

170
00:07:13,279 --> 00:07:15,839
Okay, hey, hey. This
isn't a budget. It's a ransom note.

171
00:07:15,839 --> 00:07:18,439
So, when asked for last Friday's
Johnny Carson... Motherfucking win, Charlotte.

172
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:20,000
I'll be back in a little bit. Okay.

173
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:24,959
Okay, date. So, as it stands, we
have four hosts and monologues, two stand-ups,

174
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,839
two musical guests
each with two performances,

175
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,759
a solo piece by Andy
Kaufman, five parody commercials,

176
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:35,279
a weekend update, a film by
Albert Brooks, Jim Henson's Muppet thing,

177
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,519
not to mention seven sketches.

178
00:07:37,839 --> 00:07:39,360
Something for
everybody. Yeah, it's a lot of show.

179
00:07:39,399 --> 00:07:40,839
It won't fit. I don't know that.

180
00:07:40,839 --> 00:07:43,519
I know that. The
dress rehearsal was three hours.

181
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,079
Audrey thinks we're
tight. Audrey thinks it's

182
00:07:45,079 --> 00:07:46,959
time to make some
tough decisions, actually.

183
00:07:46,959 --> 00:07:48,480
We want to just cut
some things. No, we will.

184
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:48,959
This is the show.

185
00:07:52,959 --> 00:07:53,480
Jesus Christ.

186
00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:56,680
Sorry, tripped over my
penis. Still in the show, Jeff.

187
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,800
Oh, I know. Hey, you
remember Jackie, my girlfriend?

188
00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:00,639
Fancy. It looks expensive.

189
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:02,720
She is. It is.

190
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,680
I never know when
you're kidding. Hey, Jeff, can I...

191
00:08:05,279 --> 00:08:07,120
Can you show a little
Goodwill, Tear-Co-Sar? Who?

192
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:08,439
Belushi? Mm-hmm.

193
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,680
God, God. What the fuck's the matter now?

194
00:08:10,959 --> 00:08:13,360
I think it's just a new
dynamic, and there are a lot of expectations.

195
00:08:13,399 --> 00:08:14,360
I'll tell you what the issue is.

196
00:08:14,959 --> 00:08:18,319
We're not doing a radio hour anymore,
and he's built like an Albanian cheeseburger.

197
00:08:18,319 --> 00:08:20,439
Jeffy can't help if
people are responding to his face.

198
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,399
I mean, I could, but I won't. Right.

199
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:25,120
I'm asking you to
deny your own magnetism, Chevy.

200
00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:28,720
Maybe there's other roles for
John to play, like a hobo or a troll.

201
00:08:28,879 --> 00:08:32,759
Or a fire hydrant or a
Volkswagen or a hemorrhoid.

202
00:08:33,879 --> 00:08:35,799
You're looking sharp, Patches. What?

203
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,919
You have to cut something. Yeah, yeah.

204
00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:43,320
Neil? Oh, yeah.

205
00:08:43,919 --> 00:08:44,639
Get me a key to the story.

206
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,360
In fact, I want keys to all the doors.

207
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:50,000
In the building, if you can.

208
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,960
Come on, come on. Come on, hurry!

209
00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:00,919
It all looks okay. Hey, guys.

210
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,679
Hey, Laurie, the
other front. Down in front.

211
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:07,759
Dave, how are you
looking? Oh, good, good.

212
00:09:07,759 --> 00:09:10,120
Still working on the 47
notes you gave me on your last visit.

213
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:13,799
Okay. How's the round
looking out there? We're out.

214
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:18,639
Oh, I think I can speak
for the entire crew when I say this

215
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,720
is exactly where we
want to be on Saturday night.

216
00:09:23,879 --> 00:09:25,360
Okay? Yeah. Great. Yeah.

217
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,159
Rocky, wake up, will
you? Give me your lights.

218
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,320
45 games, 45 seats.

219
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:37,159
Half down on 31, that's
32. You've done this before, right?

220
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:40,879
That's a lot of lights. You're
gonna have a test to look at that thing.

221
00:09:40,879 --> 00:09:42,720
Good job, John. Fire, please.

222
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,720
You have no
rehearsals up. Actors on the marks.

223
00:09:46,759 --> 00:09:50,200
Hey, guys, we only have
two weeks of commercials to make it

224
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:52,000
from stage right to stage left.

225
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,799
Hello, fellas. What's up, Joe?

226
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:59,159
Can I get you anything? A
refreshment? Mind tie? I'd like a shape.

227
00:09:59,159 --> 00:10:01,120
Try and at least act
like a fucking worker, please.

228
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:03,559
John, thank you for
your patience moments away, okay?

229
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,279
All right, next card, Alba-Franken.

230
00:10:08,279 --> 00:10:12,120
Next card, Tomba
Davis. Okay, so this is a bit?

231
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:13,720
Look, I don't get
half the shit that they do.

232
00:10:14,279 --> 00:10:15,519
Next card, Rosie Budd.

233
00:10:17,039 --> 00:10:19,080
Lauren, is Rosie
going with Michael, Sir Shuster?

234
00:10:20,519 --> 00:10:22,840
That's a good
question. Should I ask Rosie?

235
00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:24,919
No, no, no, I'll
take care of it. All right.

236
00:10:25,279 --> 00:10:27,399
That's good.
That's actually looking good.

237
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,639
She's been at it for
hours. She's simply doing her job.

238
00:10:32,919 --> 00:10:34,879
We have to comply with
NBC's order. She's refused to comply.

239
00:10:35,559 --> 00:10:37,080
Mr. O'Donohue. Mm-hmm.

240
00:10:37,879 --> 00:10:40,879
On page 12, oh, what is clan diving?

241
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,720
I believe the act of harvesting mollusks.

242
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:48,960
Joe! I just need the
lights to home and be patient.

243
00:10:49,919 --> 00:10:53,080
Talk to the wunderkind! He's trying
to, like, fucking treat this Christ-Sue-Stark!

244
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:54,720
There are more
people up there. Get him blamed.

245
00:10:55,039 --> 00:10:57,159
I'm glad you're having
fun, Wilbert. This isn't helpful.

246
00:10:57,879 --> 00:10:59,799
If that piglet just figures my work,

247
00:11:00,279 --> 00:11:02,039
I'm gonna turn our
eudorus into a sock puppet.

248
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,840
What is zipper dinner?

249
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:11,759
How many of these
did you hide in the script?

250
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,720
Maybe a dozen.
It's like a scavenger hunt.

251
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,519
I know what blue
balls are. You don't say.

252
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,600
Let's move the purpose. Let's move it.

253
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:22,960
That was it. Come on, let's get it.

254
00:11:23,519 --> 00:11:25,960
All right, quiet,
please. Rehearsal is up.

255
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:26,840
Salt over.

256
00:11:27,519 --> 00:11:29,039
Can I get the
action on the marks, please?

257
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,159
Camera's on them marks. Here we go.

258
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:38,399
Okay, let's see if we can
get through one of these skits.

259
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:40,720
Skitches. Danny, please. Okay.

260
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,879
Ready, camera one? Take camera one.

261
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,639
Oh, look, Connie. Boing, boing
with Jerry Lewis is on in ten minutes.

262
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,519
Camera two. Take camera two.

263
00:11:49,519 --> 00:11:51,279
I swear, I'm tired.

264
00:11:51,639 --> 00:11:53,840
I think I'm just
gonna have another glass of diet

265
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,840
and we'll be here
in God of the day, okay?

266
00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:59,399
Ackroyd! Chew Danny.

267
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,919
What's the problem? Let's go not again.

268
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:07,840
Just a little lodge.

269
00:12:10,159 --> 00:12:12,039
Hi there! Please, do not be alarmed.

270
00:12:12,279 --> 00:12:14,039
This is only a
simulated assault in burglary.

271
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,960
Repeat, this is a
simulated assault in burglary.

272
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,000
This could happen to you
at any time. In fact, it just has.

273
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:20,320
Probably! No, no!

274
00:12:20,639 --> 00:12:22,320
Don't call the police. I am the police.

275
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:23,679
Well, I might be anyway.

276
00:12:24,919 --> 00:12:26,440
Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Cromer?

277
00:12:26,639 --> 00:12:28,720
Well, Ackroyd, one
giant step to the right, please.

278
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:30,600
Uh, yeah, am I right? Yes.

279
00:12:30,919 --> 00:12:33,519
Sure. Say, man, you
want me to say anything in this,

280
00:12:33,519 --> 00:12:35,960
or am I the silent robber type?

281
00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:38,639
I think we're gonna
stick to the script this time.

282
00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:39,720
What? That's good. I'm scared.

283
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,120
Okay, here we go.
And action on rehearsal.

284
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:43,960
Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Cromer,

285
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,279
my name is Kenny Vorce, rather.

286
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,519
I'm president of
Trojan Horse Home Security.

287
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,279
I've broken into your home tonight

288
00:12:50,279 --> 00:12:52,080
to illustrate to you
and your family just how--

289
00:12:52,559 --> 00:12:55,279
(all shouting)

290
00:12:55,279 --> 00:12:59,840
(indistinct chatter)

291
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:05,320
(indistinct chatter)

292
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:06,080
(indistinct chatter)

293
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:13,559
(indistinct chatter) (indistinct chatter) (indistinct chatter)
(indistinct chatter) (indistinct chatter) (indistinct chatter) (indistinct chatter)

294
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,600
You got any more
fucking left to drop on it?

295
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,600
Yeah, maybe, maybe, motherfuckers.

296
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,279
You want me to break your fucking heart?

297
00:13:20,399 --> 00:13:21,039
Get out of the job!

298
00:13:21,399 --> 00:13:23,679
What the fuck is
wrong with you, motherfucker?

299
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,519
Hey, hey, hey. How
dare you endanger my actors?

300
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:28,840
Really? Yeah, you're the one asking

301
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:30,399
for a hundred fucking light, dude.

302
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,679
Let me know if my
expectations surpass your abilities.

303
00:13:34,639 --> 00:13:36,000
You know, I don't know, guys.

304
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,159
That was kind of exciting.
Like, it's probably a good look.

305
00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:39,960
What?

306
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,279
Ah, this is not gonna work.

307
00:13:43,279 --> 00:13:45,519
I need, uh, some of the little more heft.

308
00:13:45,519 --> 00:13:47,120
It's got no stopping
power. You know what I mean?

309
00:13:47,639 --> 00:13:48,399
Script said pistol.

310
00:13:49,559 --> 00:13:51,679
Well, the script
specifically called for a Smith & Wesson

311
00:13:51,679 --> 00:13:53,399
K-frame Model 19 combat magnum.

312
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,240
Here we go again? Uh, in this death trap?

313
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,120
Well, we've worked out the case.

314
00:13:58,159 --> 00:13:59,960
Well, I still think it was kind of funny.

315
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,240
How high will this thing go, Al?

316
00:14:02,279 --> 00:14:03,679
Kill that? Kill that?

317
00:14:04,039 --> 00:14:05,600
(laughing)

318
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:07,960
Kid, this ain't an armory.

319
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:08,960
No one's gonna notice a difference.

320
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,279
I'll tell you who'll notice.

321
00:14:11,039 --> 00:14:12,639
A few of the fine folks in
home will look at them six-heans

322
00:14:12,639 --> 00:14:14,120
before a fear of
swamp troops in Quang Nam.

323
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:15,679
Hey, boys!

324
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:17,639
It's a big girl I made an hour.

325
00:14:17,879 --> 00:14:19,399
I'm not wearing a
underwear. Don't look too hard.

326
00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:20,120
Try it yourself.

327
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,159
I'll give you and your
service to the end of the week.

328
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:23,960
Oh, that's funny, because I
gave you until the end of the day.

329
00:14:26,039 --> 00:14:26,639
All right, everyone.

330
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,159
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

331
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:29,960
(chattering)

332
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:32,159
Mm-hmm.

333
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,279
Thank you, Airman. No.

334
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:38,320
This is the idea
without the keys right now.

335
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:39,240
I've been in this for years.

336
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,399
Ha ha! Ha ha!

337
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:47,120
(laughing)

338
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:48,679
Hey, come on, man.

339
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:50,279
Violence? Really?

340
00:14:51,559 --> 00:14:53,440
Ha ha, my main man Jim.

341
00:14:54,559 --> 00:14:58,159
Say, uh, sorry for
shooting your Muppets, man.

342
00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:01,399
They're not just-- they're your co-stars.

343
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,200
Is that you? You all right there, Jim?

344
00:15:07,279 --> 00:15:07,399
Yes.

345
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:10,440
No.

346
00:15:11,639 --> 00:15:14,639
I don't think the writers
on the 17th floor speak Muppet.

347
00:15:15,399 --> 00:15:17,720
They tied a belt around Big Bird's neck

348
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:20,120
and hung him from my dressing room door.

349
00:15:20,519 --> 00:15:21,440
Hey, I heard about Big Bird.

350
00:15:22,039 --> 00:15:22,720
So sorry.

351
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:24,879
Autorotic asphyxiation, who knew?

352
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,320
Shh. You're full of baloney.

353
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:28,440
Uh-oh, cursing.

354
00:15:29,279 --> 00:15:31,720
Incidentally, the
first rat off this sinking ship!

355
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:32,960
Oh, really? Don't jump--

356
00:15:33,279 --> 00:15:34,519
Oh, wow, that's a good shirt.

357
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,159
What can I say, long way out.

358
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:38,159
Come on, he was our lighting judge.

359
00:15:38,159 --> 00:15:38,679
We hit lights.

360
00:15:38,679 --> 00:15:39,799
I'm sure there's
someone else in the building

361
00:15:39,799 --> 00:15:40,639
who can push me by the deck.

362
00:15:40,639 --> 00:15:41,840
Hey, he's the only
one who knows the location

363
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,240
of the 200 lights you asked for.

364
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:45,279
What is this?

365
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:48,200
What's the meaning of this? Who did this?

366
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:49,759
Ha ha ha!

367
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:51,679
Hey, I told you we were making a comedy.

368
00:15:53,879 --> 00:15:55,879
[laughter]

369
00:15:55,879 --> 00:15:58,519
[ding]

370
00:15:58,519 --> 00:16:00,240
[ding]

371
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:01,039
[ding]

372
00:16:01,039 --> 00:16:05,960
[music]

373
00:16:07,799 --> 00:16:08,000
Hey!

374
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:10,159
Oh, yeah.

375
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:12,000
Soundin' good, guys.

376
00:16:14,519 --> 00:16:15,360
Yeah, okay.

377
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:17,279
All right.

378
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,120
Uh, we actually worked together before.

379
00:16:20,679 --> 00:16:22,320
I sang back up for Belafonte.

380
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:24,559
[laughs]

381
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:25,200
Catch that.

382
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:27,879
[laughs]

383
00:16:27,879 --> 00:16:29,480
Break the coconut water

384
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:30,679
Woke it by

385
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,480
Man is good for you, daughter

386
00:16:33,039 --> 00:16:33,879
Woke it by

387
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,600
Go-kogata-lata-ion

388
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:39,039
[laughter]

389
00:16:39,679 --> 00:16:42,639
You gotta sing him, too.

390
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,720
How many people do
they have planned tonight?

391
00:16:46,519 --> 00:16:49,639
No, no, no, see, I am one
of the comedic performers, man.

392
00:16:49,879 --> 00:16:51,200
Okay. Yeah, I'm in-- You cast.

393
00:16:51,519 --> 00:16:53,759
You are a professional comedian.

394
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:55,919
Uh, what?

395
00:16:56,279 --> 00:16:58,039
No, not by trade.

396
00:16:58,879 --> 00:16:59,200
Okay.

397
00:16:59,279 --> 00:17:00,200
You see, I'm actually a playwright.

398
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:01,120
All right.

399
00:17:01,159 --> 00:17:04,519
Perhaps you saw my work at
the Black Arts and Batault Theatre

400
00:17:04,519 --> 00:17:04,960
in Harlem.

401
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,400
Yeah, I must have missed that.

402
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:11,319
Yeah, I actually don't
know why they hired me, man.

403
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:13,200
[laughter]

404
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,519
You seem a little tight.

405
00:17:15,079 --> 00:17:18,119
Yeah, you gotta kind
of loosen it up for the show.

406
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:19,160
Stay out.

407
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,960
Hook Mr.-- Mr. Garrett Morris.

408
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:25,440
Garrett Morris, y'all the comedian.

409
00:17:26,039 --> 00:17:28,960
Yeah, Hook Mr. Garrett Morris
up with a little bit of confidence.

410
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:29,880
You know what I'm saying?

411
00:17:32,039 --> 00:17:32,519
Yeah, come--

412
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:34,079
Okay, who in the get it?

413
00:17:34,519 --> 00:17:35,079
Medical grade.

414
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:38,039
Shit's so light, add
the bottles for the bottles.

415
00:17:38,559 --> 00:17:39,160
You gonna float.

416
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:40,599
Float.

417
00:17:41,839 --> 00:17:42,400
Put this away.

418
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:42,960
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

419
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,160
This is illegal.

420
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:48,200
Yeah, well, you gonna need it.

421
00:17:48,799 --> 00:17:49,279
But you're coming.

422
00:17:49,799 --> 00:17:50,839
All right, you good?

423
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:53,359
All right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

424
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:54,799
All right, y'all, let's get--

425
00:17:54,839 --> 00:17:55,720
All right, sound check.

426
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,559
All right,
everyone, quiet for sound check.

427
00:17:58,039 --> 00:17:58,559
Sound check.

428
00:18:01,279 --> 00:18:02,039
[music]

429
00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:11,960
Is this-- is this for volume?

430
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,480
It's a whole inch of water.

431
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,160
That sounds pretty adequate to me.

432
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:16,799
Well, this isn't Wimbledon.

433
00:18:16,799 --> 00:18:18,720
It needs to feel like a
rock concert for everyone at home.

434
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:21,039
I was going to such a
deep appreciation for music.

435
00:18:21,079 --> 00:18:21,799
Shouldn't we have more mics?

436
00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:23,720
One band, one mic.

437
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,680
I think this needs
to be fixed for tonight.

438
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,240
What I've been
talking about, three, four.

439
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:35,400
[music]

440
00:18:39,559 --> 00:18:40,160
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

441
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:40,759
Is this for John?

442
00:18:41,039 --> 00:18:42,680
Yeah, is this for makeup?

443
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,000
Do you like being yelled at or something?

444
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:45,519
Here, I've got you.

445
00:18:45,799 --> 00:18:46,240
Where are you going?

446
00:18:47,079 --> 00:18:48,279
Here, here, here, here.

447
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:55,200
[music]

448
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,920
Jim, you're not set on that hand, please.

449
00:19:04,039 --> 00:19:05,799
[music]

450
00:19:07,119 --> 00:19:07,960
Keep up the door.

451
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:11,440
[music]

452
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,039
Easy on the macaroni, poor friend.

453
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:15,960
You don't want to hurt your stomach.

454
00:19:16,319 --> 00:19:19,839
[music]

455
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:26,400
There he is, the star of the show.

456
00:19:26,759 --> 00:19:29,160
Oh, come on, Rosie, not the fucking bees.

457
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,160
I'm not a dashboard ornament.

458
00:19:34,039 --> 00:19:37,079
No, you're adorable is what you are.

459
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:41,240
And all that fur, every
girl's gonna want to squeeze you.

460
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,480
I am a trained professional.

461
00:19:45,599 --> 00:19:47,400
Oh, you better watch
where you point that stinger.

462
00:19:48,359 --> 00:19:50,799
Come on, you want a little sick.

463
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,240
What happened to my reporter costume?

464
00:19:55,119 --> 00:19:55,599
Blaine Hotel?

465
00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:58,839
It's a five second changeover
from the reporter to Ancient Greece, okay?

466
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:00,680
Lauren doesn't think you'd
have time to get into your tote.

467
00:20:02,279 --> 00:20:02,440
Okay.

468
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,759
[music]

469
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,960
Excuse me, ma'am, don't be alarmed.

470
00:20:11,559 --> 00:20:14,680
You're dealing with a
fully qualified male trumpet.

471
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:17,599
Hey, Rosie, I got the
latest version of new dad.

472
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:17,920
Okay.

473
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:21,400
Hey, bees.

474
00:20:23,279 --> 00:20:23,559
Mm-hmm.

475
00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:26,079
Making sure you professional ID.

476
00:20:26,079 --> 00:20:26,400
No.

477
00:20:27,039 --> 00:20:28,799
Expression, animal graph, and--

478
00:20:29,319 --> 00:20:30,279
And a pleasant strum, then.

479
00:20:30,279 --> 00:20:30,960
It's Fred Garvin.

480
00:20:31,599 --> 00:20:32,279
Male brass.

481
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:33,440
How much is this gonna cost?

482
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,519
Hey, you can get costumes.

483
00:20:35,839 --> 00:20:38,039
I told them to make
those hot pants extra hot.

484
00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:38,480
Dummy.

485
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,720
Oh, Lauren, we're gonna
go check out the cut on new dad.

486
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:42,119
You wanna see?

487
00:20:43,279 --> 00:20:43,960
[crashing]

488
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,799
Holy shit, sorry, Lauren.

489
00:20:47,279 --> 00:20:49,799
Hey, I heard John
doesn't like the big costume.

490
00:20:49,799 --> 00:20:50,680
You know anything about this?

491
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:51,920
It's not a costume for me.

492
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:52,759
He thinks he's Brando.

493
00:20:52,799 --> 00:20:53,799
He's better than Brando.

494
00:20:53,799 --> 00:20:55,039
I'm working on it, Dick.

495
00:20:55,039 --> 00:20:56,920
He's more important than me.

496
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:57,559
He'll be studied.

497
00:20:57,559 --> 00:20:58,680
They will study his local.

498
00:20:59,319 --> 00:21:00,519
John is better when he's angry.

499
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,559
Rose, you understand that
in an hour television program,

500
00:21:04,039 --> 00:21:05,519
I made a covenant with
the National Broadcasting Program.

501
00:21:05,559 --> 00:21:05,839
A covenant?

502
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:08,799
Yeah, a covenant, and I'm on the
hook for 90 minutes of live television.

503
00:21:08,839 --> 00:21:09,519
Okay, Abraham.

504
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,799
Rose, why don't you turn him into a bee?

505
00:21:14,799 --> 00:21:16,680
I am not turning him into a bee.

506
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,559
He is a man in a bee costume.

507
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:20,599
There was a difference.

508
00:21:22,119 --> 00:21:23,640
It's an image you
can't get out of your head.

509
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:27,599
It's postmodern,
it's Warhol, it's iconic.

510
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:29,000
Mm-hmm.

511
00:21:29,599 --> 00:21:30,880
Where exactly is he gonna come from?

512
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:34,039
Oh, I just sent an
imaginary dog to fetch an imaginary stick.

513
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:35,200
Must be some dog.

514
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,319
He's very well trained.

515
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,160
Honey, I'm home.

516
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:39,920
Hey, pal.

517
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:40,839
Hey.

518
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:43,319
How are ya?

519
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,039
Looks like Chevy's fiance
slipped and fell into another segment.

520
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:48,440
Jacqueline's gonna be
hosting the show if you're not careful.

521
00:21:48,799 --> 00:21:49,519
Oh, Jesus Christ.

522
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:51,599
All the investments, a wonderful family,

523
00:21:52,039 --> 00:21:53,799
everything you need for the future.

524
00:21:54,559 --> 00:21:55,200
Danny's gonna miss.

525
00:21:55,519 --> 00:21:55,960
Yeah, he is.

526
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,519
What if you were
suddenly out of the picture?

527
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:00,799
Should we add sound there over the X?

528
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:01,920
Want a buzzer?

529
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:03,519
No, funny, like a bell.

530
00:22:03,519 --> 00:22:04,039
Oh, good call.

531
00:22:04,279 --> 00:22:05,119
You called him for them financially.

532
00:22:05,559 --> 00:22:07,920
And if we could hold him a
photo for another eight frames.

533
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:09,039
16 frames.

534
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:10,119
Everything.

535
00:22:12,079 --> 00:22:16,160
Were you thinking of
going home with a... tonight?

536
00:22:17,279 --> 00:22:18,119
With Danny, tonight?

537
00:22:19,119 --> 00:22:20,160
Yeah, I mean, I was
suggesting that we were gonna tell him that.

538
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:21,279
You knew long time ago.

539
00:22:21,519 --> 00:22:22,400
No, I just didn't know that.

540
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,960
It's opening night, so I
figured that it was a long time.

541
00:22:25,039 --> 00:22:25,559
Neither did I.

542
00:22:26,079 --> 00:22:26,880
Well, then why are you asking?

543
00:22:27,279 --> 00:22:29,079
I'm just... I'm
gonna avoid it, it's right.

544
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:30,680
But you love surprises.

545
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:31,519
I love surprises.

546
00:22:31,519 --> 00:22:33,039
Like it, Frank loved a drum set.

547
00:22:34,039 --> 00:22:35,359
No, don't encourage him.

548
00:22:36,599 --> 00:22:38,680
Can you hold him to that
photo for another eight frames, please?

549
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:39,720
I'll leave it friends.

550
00:22:40,119 --> 00:22:41,119
Eight frames is a beat.

551
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:43,400
Well, there are needs.

552
00:22:44,279 --> 00:22:45,759
Can you believe I need
to cut an hour of the show?

553
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:49,079
Oh, NBC doesn't want a
three hours sketch comedy review.

554
00:22:49,079 --> 00:22:50,599
Jesus Christ, don't call it that, please.

555
00:22:50,599 --> 00:22:51,440
Well, what is it then?

556
00:22:52,279 --> 00:22:52,960
Honey, I'm home.

557
00:22:55,079 --> 00:22:57,960
It's been years collecting
orphan comedians off the street.

558
00:22:58,599 --> 00:23:01,960
I know. They sleep on our
dinette and they wiz in our sink.

559
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,319
It's a miraculous accident.

560
00:23:03,319 --> 00:23:05,839
I found a place to go home
for a little circus of rejects.

561
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:07,359
A lot of national television.

562
00:23:07,799 --> 00:23:09,160
Rose, this is our shot.

563
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:10,720
It's a shot.

564
00:23:11,039 --> 00:23:11,279
Rose.

565
00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:15,160
You're actually nervous.

566
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:21,960
Oh, uh, Barbara
was asking about the movie.

567
00:23:22,039 --> 00:23:28,039
Barbara was asking
about your credit on the show.

568
00:23:28,039 --> 00:23:30,000
I figured you'd go with Michael's.

569
00:23:30,039 --> 00:23:30,640
Is that what you want?

570
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:35,079
I mean, you know, we're married.

571
00:23:35,799 --> 00:23:36,440
You're my wife.

572
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,160
I figured it's straight as mine.

573
00:23:39,119 --> 00:23:41,039
Laura, we're married, but not your wife.

574
00:23:41,039 --> 00:23:42,640
Yeah, I don't think
that'll fit on the crawl.

575
00:23:43,319 --> 00:23:44,160
Well, what would you prefer?

576
00:23:48,559 --> 00:23:49,079
What? Lord?

577
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:50,960
NBC execs are waiting
in the green room for you.

578
00:23:51,319 --> 00:23:51,519
Fuck.

579
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:53,519
VTR needed this yesterday.

580
00:23:53,519 --> 00:23:54,160
Well, it looks great.

581
00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:58,400
On, up, with this about.

582
00:23:58,720 --> 00:23:59,200
Hey, Lauren.

583
00:23:59,200 --> 00:23:59,519
Hey, Lauren.

584
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:00,200
The last minute.

585
00:24:00,519 --> 00:24:01,680
Just in case you need it.

586
00:24:01,759 --> 00:24:02,480
I know. What's your gag?

587
00:24:03,039 --> 00:24:05,440
We're gonna dress
acroid up as Julia Child.

588
00:24:05,519 --> 00:24:06,440
America's favorite chef.

589
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:07,079
Okay.

590
00:24:07,079 --> 00:24:08,920
And right, she's carving
up a turkey on live television.

591
00:24:09,279 --> 00:24:11,440
She slices open an
artery. Blood everywhere.

592
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:11,640
Everywhere.

593
00:24:14,599 --> 00:24:15,200
Oh, that's a whole bitch.

594
00:24:15,519 --> 00:24:17,720
Yeah, just America's favorite
chef painting the walls of their insides.

595
00:24:17,759 --> 00:24:18,400
It's all on a glorifest.

596
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:19,720
It's gonna be on her carriage, boss.

597
00:24:20,119 --> 00:24:23,920
Oh, no! I'm Julia Child
and I'm cutting thick and tight!

598
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:25,240
Sounds wrong.

599
00:24:25,279 --> 00:24:26,920
Wait, wait, boss. I
didn't even get to the good part yet.

600
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:27,640
Shh, put down the torch.

601
00:24:27,799 --> 00:24:28,799
Yeah, he doesn't like Julia Child.

602
00:24:29,279 --> 00:24:30,039
Uh, George?

603
00:24:32,799 --> 00:24:33,200
How's Colin?

604
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:34,640
Warming up the pipes.

605
00:24:35,039 --> 00:24:37,519
Okay, well, her blue she
hasn't signed his contract yet.

606
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:38,039
Okay.

607
00:24:38,039 --> 00:24:38,519
It's her malady.

608
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,799
Yeah, they're pretty formal here.

609
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,359
Speaking of, the folks in standards
are a little uneasy about the parody commercial

610
00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:45,839
playing right before the regular ads.

611
00:24:46,079 --> 00:24:47,880
I think they think the
viewers might be a little confused.

612
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:48,960
One might argue
that's what makes it humorous.

613
00:24:49,839 --> 00:24:52,599
Yeah, but Lorne, at what point are
we not just making fun of the audience?

614
00:24:52,599 --> 00:24:54,400
Oh, hardly is. Canadian Del Arte. If

615
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:55,960
anything, it'll make
the other commercials feel

616
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,200
all the more real and the
sponsors will probably thank you.

617
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,279
Oh, who's in
there? Should I be concerned?

618
00:25:00,279 --> 00:25:03,720
No, just try not to use words
like underground or revolutionary.

619
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:05,039
I'm not exactly Shaka Fara.

620
00:25:05,079 --> 00:25:09,440
What the f--? There's
like a thousand people in there.

621
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:11,559
Fifty? The
affiliates from across the country?

622
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,039
Lorne, they're excited to see the show.

623
00:25:13,039 --> 00:25:14,000
I don't have time for this thing.

624
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,960
Lorne, these are the people that
will decide whether or not we have a hit.

625
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:21,279
They choose whether we
go on the air. We need them.

626
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:24,160
Three minutes. Tops.

627
00:25:26,279 --> 00:25:28,240
Hi, gentlemen. Hello, Lorne Michaels.

628
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,000
Hi, Lorne Michaels. Hi, Lorne Michaels.

629
00:25:31,319 --> 00:25:31,960
Nice to meet you.

630
00:25:32,119 --> 00:25:34,240
Hi, this is my show.

631
00:25:34,279 --> 00:25:35,519
Hi, where are Lorne from?

632
00:25:36,319 --> 00:25:36,519
Lorne.

633
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:38,960
New Orleans. Wow, fantastic.

634
00:25:39,599 --> 00:25:40,400
Hi, Lorne.

635
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:41,559
Southerners here.

636
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:42,920
Hi, nice to meet you.

637
00:25:43,279 --> 00:25:43,759
Hi, gentlemen.

638
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,839
Lorne Michaels, I'm
the creator of our show.

639
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:46,640
Hi.

640
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,400
Wow, Fermanchi. Hi,
appreciate your support, gentlemen.

641
00:25:49,519 --> 00:25:49,799
Thank you.

642
00:25:50,319 --> 00:25:50,519
Hello.

643
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:51,119
Hi.

644
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:52,920
Tallahassee. Wow.

645
00:25:53,079 --> 00:25:53,759
Ladies and gentlemen.

646
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:54,359
Hi.

647
00:25:56,079 --> 00:25:57,160
Who am I kidding? Gentlemen.

648
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:02,279
Can I see that? Thank you.

649
00:26:03,839 --> 00:26:06,519
Hope this isn't the only thing
getting sucked on this weekend, boys.

650
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,279
Jesus, you guys look like the cast
of Godfather if it was shot in Alabama.

651
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:17,319
I see some cowboys here.
That's a hell of a ten gallon hat.

652
00:26:17,599 --> 00:26:19,039
I look like you're
ready for a date with livestock.

653
00:26:22,319 --> 00:26:24,519
Welcome to New York. It's quite diverse.

654
00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:26,640
If you want to meet
black people, go to Harlem.

655
00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:28,319
If you want to meet
Jews, come to our writer's room.

656
00:26:30,839 --> 00:26:32,039
Sir, you look like you're from Ohio.

657
00:26:32,839 --> 00:26:35,160
My favorite thing about Ohio...

658
00:26:38,359 --> 00:26:39,680
Let me introduce you to our head writer,

659
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,079
our Prince of
Darkness, Michael O'Donoghue.

660
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:45,920
Thank you. Thank you, Chevy.

661
00:26:47,039 --> 00:26:48,839
I'm certain you all know Mr. Rogers.

662
00:26:49,279 --> 00:26:52,279
Perhaps the most kind and
gentle man in all of television.

663
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,839
This is my impression of Mr. Rogers

664
00:26:56,000 --> 00:27:00,599
plunging 18-inch steel
sewing needles into his eyes.

665
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,759
[clears throat]

666
00:27:03,759 --> 00:27:08,440
[screaming]

667
00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:15,759
Okay, okay. Thank you, Michael.

668
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,279
Well, now you know
why they put us on a midnight.

669
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,000
Hello, everybody.
My name is Lord Michaels.

670
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:28,240
I'm the producer and
creator of Saturday Night.

671
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:32,920
We have a wonderful
show for you this evening,

672
00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:35,160
George Carlin, The Great Billy Preston,

673
00:27:36,079 --> 00:27:40,720
a film by Elton
Brooks, Jim Henson's Muppets.

674
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,359
We're excited for tonight,

675
00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:47,960
because there's
never been a television show

676
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:52,960
made for or by the
generation that grew up watching television.

677
00:27:53,039 --> 00:27:54,200
So...

678
00:27:58,039 --> 00:28:01,240
in the words of my
dear friend Che Guevara,

679
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:03,079
this is the revolution.

680
00:28:03,079 --> 00:28:04,200
Be the Lord Revimucile!

681
00:28:04,519 --> 00:28:06,839
Yes! Yes! Yes!

682
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:07,880
Who's with us?

683
00:28:08,319 --> 00:28:08,880
And the what?

684
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:11,519
We're not well. We're not in the streets!

685
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:15,119
Gentlemen, behold,

686
00:28:16,039 --> 00:28:20,079
if you listen closely, you can hear
Buffalo Bob shh up in the car with Howdy-Doody.

687
00:28:20,079 --> 00:28:20,960
We're gonna get a little passionate.

688
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:22,319
Tim's so longevity here.

689
00:28:22,759 --> 00:28:23,440
Blood in the streets.

690
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:25,279
Well, that sounds delightful.

691
00:28:26,039 --> 00:28:27,920
How much are we
spending on this insurrection?

692
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:30,279
About $2.50 an episode.

693
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:32,559
I guess revolutions aren't cheap.

694
00:28:33,279 --> 00:28:36,039
What is this? Absolutely not.

695
00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:38,720
No, no, no, no. We're
not gonna beg for their approval.

696
00:28:39,839 --> 00:28:41,759
Well, you know, one of Michaels' special

697
00:28:41,759 --> 00:28:43,400
birds, you know,
he believes in his vision.

698
00:28:44,359 --> 00:28:45,559
Well, that's nice.

699
00:28:47,759 --> 00:28:50,000
And he doesn't really bend.

700
00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:55,519
We know how that story goes.

701
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,200
Mm-hmm.

702
00:28:58,880 --> 00:28:59,319
Des Moines!

703
00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:00,359
How'd you escape?

704
00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:02,400
I appreciate your time.

705
00:29:03,079 --> 00:29:05,960
You know, my father had good
taste and my mom was an alcoholic.

706
00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:09,200
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Can I borrow him for a moment?

707
00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:10,799
Enjoy the show, gentlemen.

708
00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:13,880
You have that room like a pro.

709
00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:15,160
Oh, thank you.

710
00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:18,480
I mean it. I'm Dave
Tippett, head of talent.

711
00:29:18,839 --> 00:29:20,000
You know, I handled it tonight, so...

712
00:29:21,039 --> 00:29:22,599
I didn't know that.

713
00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:26,599
Between us, Johnny Carson
isn't gonna be around forever.

714
00:29:28,319 --> 00:29:29,880
Think about it.

715
00:29:31,400 --> 00:29:32,880
You're a handsome, funny gentleman.

716
00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:35,960
That means something.

717
00:29:36,039 --> 00:29:37,400
Something.

718
00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:51,079
Uh, Lauren, you remember Dave Tippett?

719
00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:54,640
Oh, of course. I remember
everyone who gives me a job, Dave.

720
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:57,119
Smart kid. Quite lineup, this evening.

721
00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:00,720
You know, why have you? I do
understand that we are bending some of the rules.

722
00:30:01,039 --> 00:30:04,000
Oh, Lauren, this is NBC. There's
a way things are done, the peacock way.

723
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:05,000
Right. Well, we are
thinking a little different now.

724
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:07,799
I mean, we just,
you know, maybe the email.

725
00:30:09,359 --> 00:30:09,680
Well, I just...

726
00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:10,799
Take the fuck up.

727
00:30:12,519 --> 00:30:15,599
Can't you see talent when
it's standing inches from your face?

728
00:30:16,279 --> 00:30:17,279
What do you think he's gonna do?

729
00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:21,440
Embarrass us with some
half-ass rat fuck donkey show?

730
00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:22,960
Frankly, that's
exactly what I signed up for.

731
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:28,480
Michael, I expect you to be an
unbending force of seismic disturbance.

732
00:30:29,039 --> 00:30:32,640
Light up that NBC
switchboard like a bomb, why not?

733
00:30:33,279 --> 00:30:34,960
Well, I promise not
to play the music too loud.

734
00:30:35,039 --> 00:30:37,920
Ah, fuck that. This
isn't the Musharajah festival.

735
00:30:38,759 --> 00:30:42,200
It's Saturday fucking night. I
want you to be thunderous and deafening.

736
00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:45,079
If my ears don't bleed,
I'll be asking for a refund.

737
00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:47,279
Great. I mean, I've always seen this as a

738
00:30:47,279 --> 00:30:49,519
collision that erupts
from every screen in America,

739
00:30:49,799 --> 00:30:52,440
a prism that captures the
light of an emerging generation.

740
00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:54,079
Stop. Don't say another word.

741
00:30:54,799 --> 00:30:57,680
Don't question another instinct.

742
00:30:58,559 --> 00:30:59,440
I'm very sorry. Yes.

743
00:31:00,839 --> 00:31:02,960
We're standing in
the presence of a prophet.

744
00:31:03,079 --> 00:31:07,319
He certainly talks
like a man with a vision.

745
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:12,079
And I want you to take
that vision like a Sherman tank

746
00:31:12,079 --> 00:31:16,720
and plow through any fuck
that gets in your way. Even me.

747
00:31:18,839 --> 00:31:21,240
Use a motion for the many
and reserve reason for the few.

748
00:31:22,039 --> 00:31:24,799
I like that. I'm putting it on my wall.

749
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:29,480
Was that Hitler quilting?

750
00:31:30,039 --> 00:31:30,960
Trusted he's a sign
the man was a wordsmith.

751
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,759
You missed a call from Johnny Carson.

752
00:31:33,759 --> 00:31:35,440
I picked up phone
calls. What did you tell him?

753
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:37,839
I don't remember
either of them. Lord, Lord.

754
00:31:38,079 --> 00:31:40,000
Is that a bump bet? I
did have a UFO in California.

755
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:41,359
Daddy ordered it for his office.

756
00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:43,279
Can you find something to eat?

757
00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:45,519
Neil, why would he order a both arm?

758
00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:46,960
He did tell me.

759
00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:48,720
Could you get that
image of that in my face?

760
00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:50,279
And I'm actually very sorry.

761
00:31:50,279 --> 00:31:51,400
I think you can do the bois.

762
00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:52,440
But I have a point backwards.

763
00:31:53,279 --> 00:31:53,960
That is necessary.

764
00:31:54,319 --> 00:31:56,160
That's a similar voice. Hey, Mike.

765
00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:57,119
Hey, Mike. Are you nervous?

766
00:31:57,519 --> 00:31:58,200
Nervous about what?

767
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:04,119
A television is merely a
lava lamp with slightly better audio.

768
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:07,000
Colored beads to fascinate the animal.

769
00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:08,799
I could do it in an arcoleptic coma.

770
00:32:09,160 --> 00:32:10,920
Hello, Herb. How's update coming?

771
00:32:11,319 --> 00:32:15,759
South Vietnam has seized and
burned 100,000 Playboy magazines.

772
00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:17,279
We're still working on the punchline.

773
00:32:18,759 --> 00:32:21,279
For miles, all anyone
could smell was roast bunny.

774
00:32:23,559 --> 00:32:24,720
That's the one. Grab it, boys.

775
00:32:26,079 --> 00:32:26,960
Who did that, Cops?

776
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:32,519
Oh, yeah. Come in, girl. Come in.

777
00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:33,960
Oh, hey. Watch your back.

778
00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:36,119
Here we are.

779
00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:39,599
You all right there, Jeff?

780
00:32:41,240 --> 00:32:44,200
All the things
are, uh, Cooper Kippy Herb.

781
00:32:45,279 --> 00:32:46,160
I think it just happened.

782
00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:48,519
I think I got the old shoulder tab.

783
00:32:50,079 --> 00:32:50,400
What?

784
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:52,920
You know, from the guys upstairs.

785
00:32:54,799 --> 00:32:55,559
What's gonna happen to me?

786
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:59,319
I mean, Herb,
you've been around the block.

787
00:32:59,599 --> 00:33:01,039
Where am I going from here?

788
00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:04,519
Well, I don't know,
Chevy. I never got a shoulder tab.

789
00:33:05,559 --> 00:33:08,160
I just made a
fortune and won a few Evvies.

790
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:10,279
Slapped with Gloria Steinem.

791
00:33:10,839 --> 00:33:11,759
Two out of three ain't bad.

792
00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:12,599
Why?

793
00:33:13,359 --> 00:33:14,839
Oh, wow. You're in so many scenes.

794
00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:18,599
Oh, yeah, but I'm
always having these kids, sister.

795
00:33:19,279 --> 00:33:20,319
You're the hot one.

796
00:33:20,319 --> 00:33:21,720
I think Jane's the hot one.

797
00:33:22,319 --> 00:33:24,680
No, my mom. You're still fuckable, mom.

798
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:30,519
My instinct is that the American
people are gonna fall in love with you.

799
00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:34,920
You'll be obscenely
overpaid for cratfalls and cute jokes.

800
00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:39,480
You'll waste away most of
your life with purchased company.

801
00:33:40,519 --> 00:33:44,640
And then eventually you'll
self-medicate with booze and huggers and heroin.

802
00:33:45,839 --> 00:33:50,559
I imagine you'll die alone falling
out of a hotel room window in Stockholm.

803
00:33:51,079 --> 00:33:51,279
Jesus.

804
00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:53,440
I can't wait.

805
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:55,559
Well, you're everyone's favorite, Gilda.

806
00:33:55,960 --> 00:34:01,079
Oh, I'm just a bagel looking for
locks on the parrot with nothing to squawk.

807
00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:04,960
Well, I keep feeling like any
minute Lauren's just gonna shit me back.

808
00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:07,400
Oh, no. On this budget,
we can't afford the postage.

809
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:10,519
There's a reason you're here.
You may not know it, but Lauren's a--

810
00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:13,719
We're dealing with a
fully full of un-mailed super-spat.

811
00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:15,519
Not a prop, mister.

812
00:34:15,519 --> 00:34:16,679
You know, I can assure you, uh,

813
00:34:16,679 --> 00:34:20,280
professional hygiene,
discretion, animal gratification.

814
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:22,719
Why don't you assure me?

815
00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:24,159
You rang?

816
00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:25,679
Yeah, I need the muck pages.

817
00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:27,320
I already turned in that one script.

818
00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:30,320
Oh, was sense and
uncomfortable with the muppets on a plantation?

819
00:34:31,079 --> 00:34:32,039
It was a musical number.

820
00:34:32,039 --> 00:34:33,079
I don't think that's a problem.

821
00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:36,480
I just can't write for
those little hairy face claws.

822
00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:38,440
Well, I need something
for Henson. We go live at an hour.

823
00:34:39,400 --> 00:34:42,199
You cannot say "40" on NBC.

824
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:45,400
Did you see what that
evangelical cunt did to our pages?

825
00:34:49,559 --> 00:34:49,960
I'll be right back.

826
00:34:50,039 --> 00:34:52,639
She wants to say
"sexy" instead of "horny."

827
00:34:52,639 --> 00:34:54,559
Sexy and horny just
don't mean the same thing.

828
00:34:54,559 --> 00:34:56,159
I struggle to see the difference.

829
00:34:56,639 --> 00:34:59,079
Well, if a dog is
helping her leg, it's horny.

830
00:34:59,079 --> 00:34:59,920
Certainly not sexy.

831
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:01,599
What on earth are you doing?

832
00:35:03,559 --> 00:35:05,920
I'd rather butt-fuck
cancer than make these changes.

833
00:35:08,039 --> 00:35:16,960
Your words don't scare me, Mr. Adonohue.

834
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,719
I am a woman of God.

835
00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:22,480
I'd heard God's love
is blind, now I know why.

836
00:35:23,599 --> 00:35:24,599
You see this?

837
00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:25,679
I do.

838
00:35:26,239 --> 00:35:28,760
I know. It looks
like an ordinary red marker.

839
00:35:29,159 --> 00:35:30,559
But this one is special.

840
00:35:31,119 --> 00:35:34,119
It has kept America safe
for the better part of a decade.

841
00:35:34,559 --> 00:35:40,039
It is a weapon against
vulgarity, sex, communism, and...

842
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:41,480
...hate-ism.

843
00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:43,360
Oh. What about violence?

844
00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:45,960
Does it protect America from violence?

845
00:35:46,039 --> 00:35:47,280
Yes, that too.

846
00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:48,719
How about infanticide?

847
00:35:50,079 --> 00:35:50,599
Excuse me?

848
00:35:51,039 --> 00:35:55,079
Apologies. Just a $2 word for
a parent who gills their own child.

849
00:35:57,519 --> 00:35:59,320
The mytho makes me nauseous.

850
00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:01,199
Oh, understandably. Me too, by the way.

851
00:36:01,199 --> 00:36:02,840
It's just I had this idea for a sketch.

852
00:36:03,119 --> 00:36:04,639
And I'm not sure if
it's funny. You can be the judge.

853
00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:07,639
It's about this
powerful temperamental guy

854
00:36:07,639 --> 00:36:09,599
who rapes his virgin
in the middle of the night.

855
00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:10,519
I know. Awful.

856
00:36:11,119 --> 00:36:13,719
Knocks her up without ever
saying hello, buying her flowers, whatever.

857
00:36:14,039 --> 00:36:17,079
And then, and
then, here's the funny part.

858
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:21,920
He has their bastard son publicly
mutilated and tortured to death on a cross.

859
00:36:25,079 --> 00:36:26,559
You are a vile human.

860
00:36:27,639 --> 00:36:28,880
Ah, fuck. You've heard this before.

861
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:32,320
Mr. O'Donohue.

862
00:36:32,559 --> 00:36:34,599
Are we still being
formal? Please just call me Satan.

863
00:36:35,320 --> 00:36:36,079
No, I am Satan.

864
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:37,400
I am Satan.

865
00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:38,079
I am Satan.

866
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:39,039
I am Satan.

867
00:36:40,119 --> 00:36:40,800
I am Satan.

868
00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:41,559
I am Satan.

869
00:36:42,039 --> 00:36:45,440
Will be forgotten. I
am going to make sure of it.

870
00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:45,880
You were Satan?

871
00:36:46,719 --> 00:36:46,920
I...

872
00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:50,840
Are you out of your mind?

873
00:36:51,599 --> 00:36:53,360
Look, for better or
worse, I call it like I see it.

874
00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:53,880
That was worse.

875
00:36:53,880 --> 00:36:54,760
Well, maybe you two at the loading dock.

876
00:36:55,079 --> 00:36:57,239
I'm sure someone can sign for
whatever. You're back on the Muppets.

877
00:36:57,239 --> 00:36:57,599
Fuck you.

878
00:36:58,000 --> 00:36:58,519
Yeah, I doubt that.

879
00:36:58,519 --> 00:37:01,199
It's Leo. He's been
fighting with security and there's blood.

880
00:37:02,840 --> 00:37:03,039
Dick.

881
00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:09,800
Ah, hey.

882
00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:10,880
Hey, Dan.

883
00:37:11,039 --> 00:37:12,039
Is this Starkey?

884
00:37:12,280 --> 00:37:12,480
Well, I have you.

885
00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:13,400
Oh, there was an aside side.

886
00:37:13,679 --> 00:37:13,920
Great.

887
00:37:14,519 --> 00:37:15,320
Well, I have you.

888
00:37:15,679 --> 00:37:17,320
Ah, I know you always
want to be on the cutting edge.

889
00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:18,840
Check this out.

890
00:37:20,079 --> 00:37:20,320
Polaroid.

891
00:37:23,559 --> 00:37:23,840
Okay.

892
00:37:25,360 --> 00:37:30,000
We can have the actors demo it live,
write it into sketches, do live commercials.

893
00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:31,559
Funny ones. The payout is long.

894
00:37:31,559 --> 00:37:33,679
Take the cast and
sign up to do live commercials.

895
00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:34,719
Neither do I.

896
00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:36,800
Some of the cast
might find that very unsafe.

897
00:37:37,239 --> 00:37:37,960
Mm-hmm. I completely understand.

898
00:37:38,039 --> 00:37:40,559
But television is driven by advertising.

899
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:43,320
It's what makes the motor
run. It's really not a big deal at all.

900
00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:44,400
Just please don't
show this to the talent.

901
00:37:45,039 --> 00:37:46,880
I don't want them thinking
they're back on the cast back of the hour.

902
00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:50,000
What are we doing kayaking? What is this?

903
00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:51,760
Uh, Lauren, we're over budget.

904
00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:53,840
Dick, you don't need to tell me that.

905
00:37:54,159 --> 00:37:55,360
Someone needs to tell you that.

906
00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:56,760
We don't even know what the show is yet.

907
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:58,079
How could we possibly know the budget?

908
00:37:58,280 --> 00:37:59,079
That's true. That's a good point.

909
00:37:59,079 --> 00:37:59,639
Neil, please.

910
00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:01,639
If we don't know what the show is,

911
00:38:02,119 --> 00:38:03,599
Lauren, what the fuck are we doing here?

912
00:38:03,599 --> 00:38:05,119
I know the ingredients. Just...

913
00:38:06,039 --> 00:38:06,719
Just not the amounts.

914
00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:08,400
Well, what does that mean?

915
00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:09,760
We just have to make it to 1130.

916
00:38:10,119 --> 00:38:11,039
Hey!

917
00:38:11,840 --> 00:38:13,320
Oh, fuck!

918
00:38:13,679 --> 00:38:14,559
What are you back to doing?

919
00:38:14,559 --> 00:38:15,280
What about your job?

920
00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:16,760
You want to lose your teeth?

921
00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:19,400
I mean, lose your NBC Saturday
night and you just hit a man with a Tony.

922
00:38:19,639 --> 00:38:20,159
Fuck you.

923
00:38:20,159 --> 00:38:21,199
I've hit plenty of Tony.

924
00:38:21,199 --> 00:38:21,880
Hey, that's enough.

925
00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:23,880
Tell your friend
those deliveries after six days.

926
00:38:24,159 --> 00:38:24,480
All right.

927
00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:25,960
Shut up your ass.

928
00:38:26,239 --> 00:38:26,719
Fuck you.

929
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:29,840
You took that punch like a champ.

930
00:38:30,159 --> 00:38:32,719
I'm actually not sure you're
supposed to be pinching the bottom of the notch

931
00:38:32,719 --> 00:38:34,000
because you've been to a little higher.

932
00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:34,960
Hey, guys, I'm so sorry.

933
00:38:35,039 --> 00:38:36,039
Any higher?

934
00:38:36,039 --> 00:38:37,079
Am I missing something?

935
00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:38,800
Why are we using real break?

936
00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:39,800
Can we just roll out the null amp?

937
00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:40,960
Hey, fuck you!

938
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:42,320
Okay, well, let's get the null amp.

939
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:44,519
Dick, our vision for
home base is a street corner

940
00:38:44,519 --> 00:38:46,320
with all the grit
and texture of New York City.

941
00:38:46,639 --> 00:38:49,000
Okay, but I mean, are we
gonna use real blood and vomit too?

942
00:38:49,639 --> 00:38:51,280
Hey, hey, no more
fighting. No more fighting.

943
00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:52,559
He doesn't know. He
doesn't know. It's okay.

944
00:38:55,639 --> 00:38:56,639
Why are we stopping?

945
00:39:03,159 --> 00:39:03,599
Hello, everybody.

946
00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:06,639
What are you-- You can't
keep wondering what's like that.

947
00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:07,719
I'm fine.

948
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:09,400
That's very good.

949
00:39:09,599 --> 00:39:10,280
That's very good.

950
00:39:10,639 --> 00:39:11,679
Barbara, what time do you have?

951
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:12,840
10.39.

952
00:39:13,519 --> 00:39:13,719
Lauren.

953
00:39:15,679 --> 00:39:16,039
The break.

954
00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:19,800
It's--

955
00:39:23,119 --> 00:39:24,039
It's got its pockets out.

956
00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:24,960
It's workman-like.

957
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:25,679
It's honest.

958
00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:28,360
Dick, it's critical
for the success of the show.

959
00:39:28,679 --> 00:39:30,000
Okay, but what is the show?

960
00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:40,320
I mean, honestly,
Dick, you know what? Bye now.

961
00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:41,840
Jimmy Chicks.

962
00:39:42,679 --> 00:39:43,920
Kildall Crandor.

963
00:39:45,039 --> 00:39:46,639
Dan Aikka.

964
00:39:46,639 --> 00:39:48,159
How the fuck do you pronounce it?

965
00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:49,320
Dan Aikroy.

966
00:39:50,119 --> 00:39:51,199
Dan Aikroy.

967
00:39:51,559 --> 00:39:52,360
50 minutes, everybody.

968
00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:55,360
You nervous?

969
00:39:56,800 --> 00:39:58,199
Uh, no. No, not really.

970
00:39:58,800 --> 00:39:59,880
I mean, I've only got a couple bits.

971
00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:01,960
The jury thing and the TV host.

972
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:04,199
Uh, huh.

973
00:40:06,599 --> 00:40:10,079
Say, uh, you ever wonder
exactly what it is you are doing here?

974
00:40:11,079 --> 00:40:12,639
Yeah, and I think
I've got a pretty good idea.

975
00:40:13,639 --> 00:40:14,400
And what is that?

976
00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:16,840
Well, Garrett, I'll tell you.

977
00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:18,800
I like to give 100% in everything I do.

978
00:40:20,599 --> 00:40:22,800
And I like a dish
soap that does that, too.

979
00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:25,000
So alive.

980
00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:26,159
So young.

981
00:40:26,639 --> 00:40:27,320
So boring.

982
00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:28,719
So exotic.

983
00:40:29,119 --> 00:40:30,159
So hypnotic.

984
00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:30,960
So manipulative.

985
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:35,320
So sadistically abusive.

986
00:40:36,159 --> 00:40:37,719
So cartoonishly abhorrent.

987
00:40:38,599 --> 00:40:41,119
You see, when it comes to
my skin and my sensitive parts,

988
00:40:41,679 --> 00:40:44,920
I only trust 100%
American-made steel wool.

989
00:40:45,599 --> 00:40:49,840
Strong enough for a man, but
whimsical and helpless enough for a woman.

990
00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:50,920
Don't wait.

991
00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:52,159
Act now.

992
00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:54,599
Act like your very life depends on it.

993
00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:56,800
Act like your
children's lives depend on it.

994
00:40:56,800 --> 00:40:59,960
Act like the children
in Africa's lives depend on it.

995
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:05,800
What the fuck was all that?

996
00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:08,840
That was my 20s, Garrett, and
that is exactly what I'm doing here.

997
00:41:09,559 --> 00:41:10,119
Oh, shit.

998
00:41:10,559 --> 00:41:16,639
I'm just here to play, uh, the
butler, the shoeshine guy, and the pimp.

999
00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:19,360
Think you've seen
a little nice burp them?

1000
00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:22,239
You're a little
pretty for a commie, Diane.

1001
00:41:22,639 --> 00:41:24,239
Well, cheers to
staying out of the spotlight.

1002
00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:26,960
Ladies and
gentlemen, your host, Jordan Carlin!

1003
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:32,599
You can't just let me come
out from behind a goddamn curtain.

1004
00:41:32,599 --> 00:41:34,880
I have to descend
like Norma fucking Desmond.

1005
00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:35,159
All right!

1006
00:41:36,079 --> 00:41:36,800
Fuck you, everyone!

1007
00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:37,880
Fuck you!

1008
00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:38,880
Fuck you!

1009
00:41:39,239 --> 00:41:40,559
I've definitely fucked you.

1010
00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:41,159
Fuck you!

1011
00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:42,519
Fuck you!

1012
00:41:42,519 --> 00:41:42,719
Fuck you!

1013
00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:42,960
Fuck you!

1014
00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:43,800
Fuck all of you!

1015
00:41:44,320 --> 00:41:45,199
You have to distract her.

1016
00:41:45,679 --> 00:41:45,920
How?

1017
00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:47,599
She was barking away.

1018
00:41:50,239 --> 00:41:51,559
Uh, excuse me, miss.

1019
00:41:51,639 --> 00:41:53,800
Could you confirm that
this is a normal deck of cards?

1020
00:41:53,800 --> 00:41:54,960
No marks, no poles, no punches?

1021
00:41:54,960 --> 00:41:55,800
Jordan! Yeah, I'm sorry. Jordan!

1022
00:41:56,559 --> 00:41:57,320
Yeah, all right.

1023
00:41:58,199 --> 00:41:59,239
Welcome to the show.

1024
00:41:59,519 --> 00:42:00,559
I have some music, some laughs.

1025
00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:02,440
I plugged the record, blah, blah, blah.

1026
00:42:03,679 --> 00:42:04,800
Fitting your cards.

1027
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:05,559
I am Jordan.

1028
00:42:06,079 --> 00:42:06,840
Keep going, please.

1029
00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:07,400
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1030
00:42:07,719 --> 00:42:10,400
You're looking at crowds and old
movies and wonder if they're dead yet.

1031
00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:10,960
Oh!

1032
00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:15,400
You fucking kidding me with this shit!

1033
00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:17,400
And throw it to Janice.

1034
00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:18,639
What?

1035
00:42:19,199 --> 00:42:20,159
Yeah, throw it to Janice.

1036
00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:21,239
Introduce it, please.

1037
00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:22,719
Keep going.

1038
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:25,400
Ladies and gentlemen, Janice Ian.

1039
00:42:27,079 --> 00:42:44,199
Mr. Kerr.

1040
00:42:44,360 --> 00:42:44,800
Yeah?

1041
00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:46,920
I am Joan Kerr,
about coal and B.C. standards.

1042
00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:48,239
Oh, I didn't know they had it.

1043
00:42:48,239 --> 00:42:49,519
Joan, he's very busy.

1044
00:42:49,519 --> 00:42:50,800
Just please share
in terms of me, all right?

1045
00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:53,639
No, no, I'd like to hear your
concerns personally, if you don't mind.

1046
00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:55,519
I know you have a propensity for the

1047
00:42:55,519 --> 00:42:58,800
obscene and alert
interest in colorful language.

1048
00:42:58,800 --> 00:42:59,559
Thank you very much.

1049
00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:01,320
Mr. Callan, you'll be happy to know that

1050
00:43:01,320 --> 00:43:06,719
there is one delay
button, and my finger is on it.

1051
00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:13,199
I'm surprised you even found
the button, let alone touched it.

1052
00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:16,840
Is this your read of diamonds?

1053
00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:24,360
Are you gonna help?

1054
00:43:25,079 --> 00:43:27,400
I really wish we
could, but we don't do bricks.

1055
00:43:28,360 --> 00:43:30,599
What guild is it that
does the bricks? Is that 422?

1056
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:32,880
It's called 303.

1057
00:43:33,639 --> 00:43:34,880
That's the pipe fitters.

1058
00:43:36,159 --> 00:43:39,880
I don't know why you're laying
brick. You're gonna be gone in two weeks.

1059
00:43:43,880 --> 00:43:46,440
So it's gonna be like
one of those 1950s safari flips.

1060
00:43:46,440 --> 00:43:48,280
You know, the ones with
Rhonda Fleming, Susan Haverton.

1061
00:43:48,719 --> 00:43:49,000
That's a prop.

1062
00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:54,400
So I want you to take
this bowl of potato chips here.

1063
00:43:54,719 --> 00:43:54,920
Me?

1064
00:43:55,079 --> 00:43:56,719
Yes, you. I want you to reach into them.

1065
00:43:57,039 --> 00:43:59,199
Every time I take a step,
give them a little crunch, right?

1066
00:43:59,199 --> 00:43:59,960
It's like Rhonda Safari.

1067
00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:00,559
Ready?

1068
00:44:01,559 --> 00:44:02,000
Give it a try.

1069
00:44:07,639 --> 00:44:07,840
Early.

1070
00:44:08,519 --> 00:44:09,800
I just got this job.

1071
00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:12,719
Now we're getting it.

1072
00:44:13,880 --> 00:44:17,000
That was nice.

1073
00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:23,239
Oh, Pete.

1074
00:44:24,840 --> 00:44:27,119
Ah, ah! Don't shoot me!

1075
00:44:28,400 --> 00:44:28,599
Ah!

1076
00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:31,840
I know that noise.

1077
00:44:33,199 --> 00:44:34,880
That's a monkey being
run over by the sea train.

1078
00:44:37,079 --> 00:44:39,039
My arch nemesis. Here he comes.

1079
00:44:46,639 --> 00:44:47,960
There's no way
they're gonna fit all that show.

1080
00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:50,440
You think?

1081
00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:54,239
Something's gotta go.
Hey, Lon, can we talk for a minute?

1082
00:44:54,320 --> 00:44:54,920
You're doing great, Billy.

1083
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:55,920
That was weird.

1084
00:44:56,119 --> 00:44:56,719
Yep, we're fucked.

1085
00:45:08,440 --> 00:45:10,639
Excuse me, also, but
have I done something wrong?

1086
00:45:12,079 --> 00:45:13,519
What do we have here?

1087
00:45:14,199 --> 00:45:15,000
Fine, that would be my ass.

1088
00:45:19,199 --> 00:45:19,960
Mm-hmm.

1089
00:45:20,400 --> 00:45:21,920
Billy Preston's band hooked it up.

1090
00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:24,920
"Metacool Grade,
baby. Floats in the bottle."

1091
00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:25,800
And then...

1092
00:45:29,559 --> 00:45:30,079
Check's out.

1093
00:45:31,320 --> 00:45:31,800
"Metacool Grade."

1094
00:45:33,280 --> 00:45:35,599
So tell me how you
fit into this ensemble.

1095
00:45:36,199 --> 00:45:36,960
Oh, is this an ensemble?

1096
00:45:38,000 --> 00:45:40,440
No, we have many talented, talented

1097
00:45:40,440 --> 00:45:44,760
improvisers from
Chicago and Toronto and Boston.

1098
00:45:45,039 --> 00:45:46,320
Yes, Jane Creighton's from Boston.

1099
00:45:46,679 --> 00:45:47,000
That's what I was gonna say.

1100
00:45:48,039 --> 00:45:49,639
Missed a little there.

1101
00:45:50,000 --> 00:45:51,440
But to answer your question...

1102
00:45:51,840 --> 00:45:52,639
I'll have value, Captain.

1103
00:45:52,840 --> 00:45:53,760
They wanna shave me.

1104
00:45:54,119 --> 00:45:57,079
Oh, careful. There's no jaw
under that mirror. Just ten pounds of neck.

1105
00:45:57,559 --> 00:45:57,760
Chevy!

1106
00:45:58,360 --> 00:45:59,440
I'm gonna show you some...

1107
00:46:00,119 --> 00:46:01,679
Jesus Christ, you suck!

1108
00:46:01,679 --> 00:46:02,440
I don't fucking...

1109
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:05,280
Shut the fuck up!

1110
00:46:05,679 --> 00:46:08,000
Hey, hey, hey, stop!

1111
00:46:08,280 --> 00:46:09,280
You're gonna end me!

1112
00:46:09,639 --> 00:46:10,119
Stop!

1113
00:46:12,400 --> 00:46:12,800
Chevy, out!

1114
00:46:13,159 --> 00:46:14,440
Don't be cooked with animals!

1115
00:46:14,920 --> 00:46:15,119
Shab!

1116
00:46:16,119 --> 00:46:17,000
Take the sink.

1117
00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:21,719
Okay, John.

1118
00:46:22,639 --> 00:46:23,760
So we're throwing things now?

1119
00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:24,440
He started it.

1120
00:46:24,920 --> 00:46:26,559
It's just a shave, John.

1121
00:46:26,840 --> 00:46:28,440
So I'll be seeing on his fucking face?

1122
00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:28,639
No.

1123
00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:31,280
But would Jimi Hendrix play in "Mittens"?

1124
00:46:31,559 --> 00:46:32,119
That's a good point.

1125
00:46:33,960 --> 00:46:36,159
John, you're going to
go down as one of the giants

1126
00:46:36,159 --> 00:46:39,039
of character
expressionism from "Choplin," Brando.

1127
00:46:39,039 --> 00:46:39,480
Belushi.

1128
00:46:40,599 --> 00:46:41,159
Why had your gift?

1129
00:46:41,679 --> 00:46:42,760
Beards are for pussies.

1130
00:46:44,440 --> 00:46:45,400
The bees are bullshit.

1131
00:46:45,679 --> 00:46:47,000
You think I don't know that?
Of course they are. They're stupid.

1132
00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:51,559
They're postmodern. They're Warhol.
They're iconic. They're Sergeant Bevers.

1133
00:46:51,559 --> 00:46:52,280
So well said.

1134
00:46:52,519 --> 00:46:54,079
I'm glad you get it.

1135
00:46:54,559 --> 00:46:56,639
John, we go live in less than an hour.

1136
00:46:57,000 --> 00:46:57,639
45 minutes!

1137
00:47:02,239 --> 00:47:03,559
I need you to sign your contract.

1138
00:47:12,360 --> 00:47:12,800
Oh, yeah.

1139
00:47:15,039 --> 00:47:15,960
What? What's happening?

1140
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:18,159
What happened to the music?

1141
00:47:19,960 --> 00:47:21,800
Hey, what? Why'd you stop playing?

1142
00:47:21,800 --> 00:47:22,760
The speakers went out.

1143
00:47:23,519 --> 00:47:24,079
All of them?

1144
00:47:24,719 --> 00:47:26,320
What the hell is happening? What? Dick?

1145
00:47:26,599 --> 00:47:28,320
A mom with the album
put up supplied speakers at...

1146
00:47:28,599 --> 00:47:29,039
Yeah, rock-top.

1147
00:47:29,039 --> 00:47:31,440
Oscar and Eenie, out of
audio fidelity. What can we be doing?

1148
00:47:31,840 --> 00:47:33,159
Yeah, what can we be doing?

1149
00:47:33,559 --> 00:47:34,320
You got no sound.

1150
00:47:34,960 --> 00:47:37,039
Idiot on the light
board and we go live in 45.

1151
00:47:38,119 --> 00:47:39,000
What, do you want to rehearse?

1152
00:47:40,599 --> 00:47:43,679
You can pull up.

1153
00:47:44,039 --> 00:47:44,360
Do you want to...

1154
00:47:44,360 --> 00:47:44,960
Should we get up there?

1155
00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:45,760
Yeah.

1156
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:48,360
All right, everyone.
We're moving to Wicked Update.

1157
00:47:48,840 --> 00:47:49,079
Great, great, great.

1158
00:47:49,079 --> 00:47:50,159
And I stand by the restroom.

1159
00:47:52,559 --> 00:47:53,920
You're moving, people.

1160
00:47:58,000 --> 00:48:13,679
From Saturday Night News headquarters,

1161
00:48:14,000 --> 00:48:17,800
this is Wicked
Update with Lauren Michaels.

1162
00:48:26,000 --> 00:48:29,039
Our top story tonight, some world news.

1163
00:48:29,440 --> 00:48:32,719
Japanese emperor Hirohito met
Mickey Mouse on Disneyland this week.

1164
00:48:33,039 --> 00:48:36,119
The emperor presented
Mickey with a Hirohito wristwatch.

1165
00:48:37,639 --> 00:48:38,519
All right.

1166
00:48:39,599 --> 00:48:41,519
How was that?

1167
00:48:42,199 --> 00:48:42,679
It was horrible.

1168
00:48:44,000 --> 00:48:44,559
Right.

1169
00:48:47,000 --> 00:48:53,719
And now with a weather report, we
turn it over to meteorologist John Blusche.

1170
00:48:54,039 --> 00:48:55,519
What's it looking like out there, John?

1171
00:48:55,960 --> 00:48:56,960
Thank you, Lauren.

1172
00:48:57,639 --> 00:49:01,280
It's often said, "March comes in
like a lion and goes out like a lamb."

1173
00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:04,280
But did you know March
behaves differently in other countries?

1174
00:49:04,960 --> 00:49:07,039
In Norway, for example, March comes in

1175
00:49:07,039 --> 00:49:09,039
like a polar bear
and goes out like a walrus.

1176
00:49:09,599 --> 00:49:12,880
Or consider the Republic of South
Africa, where March comes in like a lion

1177
00:49:13,039 --> 00:49:14,639
and goes out like a different lion.

1178
00:49:14,920 --> 00:49:17,679
Like one has a mane and
the other doesn't have a mane.

1179
00:49:18,079 --> 00:49:20,039
And there's a country where March hops in

1180
00:49:20,039 --> 00:49:23,199
like a kangaroo and
stays a kangaroo for a while.

1181
00:49:23,199 --> 00:49:23,519
Australia.

1182
00:49:23,800 --> 00:49:25,320
Then, then, for a
couple days, it's sort of a

1183
00:49:25,320 --> 00:49:28,199
cross between a frilled
lizard and a common house cat.

1184
00:49:28,599 --> 00:49:30,559
Then it changes back into a smaller

1185
00:49:30,559 --> 00:49:33,280
kangaroo and then it
goes out like a wild dingo.

1186
00:49:33,760 --> 00:49:35,239
No, no, and it's not Australia.

1187
00:49:35,639 --> 00:49:37,519
You're thinking of
Australia, but it's not.

1188
00:49:38,440 --> 00:49:41,960
And there are nine different
countries where March comes in like a frog

1189
00:49:42,039 --> 00:49:44,440
and goes out like a bowling retriever.

1190
00:49:44,440 --> 00:49:45,599
But that's not the weird part.

1191
00:49:45,599 --> 00:49:47,599
No, no, no, no,
the weird part is the frog.

1192
00:49:47,840 --> 00:49:48,320
The frog.

1193
00:49:48,559 --> 00:49:49,360
The weird part is the--

1194
00:49:49,719 --> 00:49:50,360
[screams]

1195
00:49:50,360 --> 00:49:55,800
[laughter]

1196
00:49:55,800 --> 00:49:59,360
You all right? Are you okay?

1197
00:50:00,920 --> 00:50:01,360
I give in.

1198
00:50:01,920 --> 00:50:02,599
That was brilliant.

1199
00:50:02,920 --> 00:50:04,599
Now, I need you to sign your contract.

1200
00:50:07,360 --> 00:50:09,119
Is that a yes?

1201
00:50:09,360 --> 00:50:09,920
That was a yes.

1202
00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:10,960
Is it a yes? Okay.

1203
00:50:11,039 --> 00:50:12,639
Neil, can I get the contract?

1204
00:50:13,079 --> 00:50:13,519
No, I'm fine.

1205
00:50:13,920 --> 00:50:14,679
Okay, so you have a pen?

1206
00:50:15,639 --> 00:50:15,840
Uh...

1207
00:50:16,239 --> 00:50:18,760
Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, there's a
call from Burbank waiting in your office.

1208
00:50:19,920 --> 00:50:20,199
Burbank.

1209
00:50:21,440 --> 00:50:21,519
Carson.

1210
00:50:22,559 --> 00:50:24,519
Okay, someone get him a pen.

1211
00:50:24,719 --> 00:50:25,719
Don't let him use it as a straw.

1212
00:50:26,400 --> 00:50:27,320
Uh, rehearse something.

1213
00:50:28,199 --> 00:50:28,400
Anything.

1214
00:50:29,079 --> 00:50:31,559
All right, the hospital stage left.

1215
00:50:31,559 --> 00:50:32,320
Let's go. We're moving.

1216
00:50:32,559 --> 00:50:33,000
Here we go.

1217
00:50:34,039 --> 00:50:34,920
Great work, guys.

1218
00:50:34,920 --> 00:50:35,440
Excuse me.

1219
00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:37,360
Hey, Mr. Michaels.

1220
00:50:38,039 --> 00:50:38,719
Oh, Mr. Hanson.

1221
00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:40,559
Hey. I'm excited to see what you and your

1222
00:50:40,559 --> 00:50:42,280
Maribatic creatures
have to store for us tonight.

1223
00:50:43,039 --> 00:50:44,679
Well, Lauren, we don't have any script

1224
00:50:44,679 --> 00:50:47,840
pages yet, so the
Muppets are flying blind here.

1225
00:50:48,360 --> 00:50:50,559
Well, this is the first time
hearing of it. Neil, Jim needs his pages.

1226
00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:51,679
Thank you. Thank you.

1227
00:50:51,679 --> 00:50:52,960
And please, sorry, Lauren.

1228
00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:59,199
Can you please remind your crew not to
leave the Muppets in compromising positions?

1229
00:51:01,039 --> 00:51:02,199
That doesn't sound like them.

1230
00:51:03,039 --> 00:51:04,679
Well, they left a note.

1231
00:51:06,239 --> 00:51:06,800
They didn't.

1232
00:51:07,039 --> 00:51:07,440
They did.

1233
00:51:08,599 --> 00:51:09,119
It's sad.

1234
00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:14,039
Fuck rags for rent.

1235
00:51:15,519 --> 00:51:15,880
Mm-hmm.

1236
00:51:16,000 --> 00:51:17,960
Okay. I know what that means.

1237
00:51:18,400 --> 00:51:21,199
I'll talk to Michael immediately.

1238
00:51:21,599 --> 00:51:22,039
Thank you.

1239
00:51:23,880 --> 00:51:26,360
All right. Thank you.

1240
00:51:27,199 --> 00:51:27,920
Oh, hey, Bernie.

1241
00:51:28,559 --> 00:51:29,440
Oh, no, you're good.

1242
00:51:36,079 --> 00:51:36,639
Hello. This is Lauren.

1243
00:51:37,000 --> 00:51:39,800
I was beginning to
think you didn't like me.

1244
00:51:40,039 --> 00:51:42,440
Of course not, Mr. Carson.
You're the voice of a generation.

1245
00:51:43,280 --> 00:51:46,119
I just wanted to reach
out and say good luck tonight.

1246
00:51:46,559 --> 00:51:47,400
Oh, that's very kind.

1247
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:49,960
And also, I suppose
I wanted to make sure we

1248
00:51:49,960 --> 00:51:52,199
don't end up
stepping on each other's dicks.

1249
00:51:52,679 --> 00:51:53,119
Right.

1250
00:51:53,920 --> 00:51:55,880
You know how this all started, don't you?

1251
00:51:57,039 --> 00:51:59,639
She's signed a joint. She just
signed a joint with a kite and a key, I'm sure.

1252
00:52:00,119 --> 00:52:01,559
Don't be a dipshit for a second, kid.

1253
00:52:02,079 --> 00:52:04,960
I'm sure you've heard by now
that Mommy and Daddy are fighting,

1254
00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:07,920
and that's why you've got
the house to yourself tonight.

1255
00:52:08,760 --> 00:52:12,199
Frankly, it's the only reason they
ever greenlight your little talent show.

1256
00:52:13,159 --> 00:52:15,360
Look, these things
always go the same way.

1257
00:52:15,360 --> 00:52:17,639
First, they try to fuck
you, and then they buy you dinner.

1258
00:52:18,519 --> 00:52:20,920
I'm not opposed to
Saturday night, even if it

1259
00:52:20,920 --> 00:52:23,960
isn't a dumpling grab
with dead beats and bag heads.

1260
00:52:24,679 --> 00:52:25,800
They don't.

1261
00:52:25,800 --> 00:52:28,000
You can play
dress-up on national television.

1262
00:52:28,000 --> 00:52:29,079
Don't let them hold the camera.

1263
00:52:29,079 --> 00:52:29,440
Good for you.

1264
00:52:30,360 --> 00:52:31,880
So, here's some friendly advice.

1265
00:52:32,719 --> 00:52:33,679
Enjoy your little show.

1266
00:52:34,000 --> 00:52:35,519
But don't get too comfortable.

1267
00:52:36,199 --> 00:52:36,960
You're a bench-wommer.

1268
00:52:37,360 --> 00:52:38,079
A stalking horse.

1269
00:52:38,719 --> 00:52:39,920
It's my fucking network.

1270
00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:41,400
It's my fucking night.

1271
00:52:42,599 --> 00:52:43,719
No hard feeling, so...

1272
00:52:44,039 --> 00:52:45,599
Fuck the bees and fuck this show!

1273
00:52:46,039 --> 00:52:46,239
Done.

1274
00:52:46,639 --> 00:52:47,800
Hey, where you going?

1275
00:52:47,800 --> 00:52:48,719
I told her I'm kidding!

1276
00:52:49,039 --> 00:52:51,039
You are a half-witted writer.

1277
00:52:52,039 --> 00:52:53,719
Tell me some samples of time.

1278
00:52:54,079 --> 00:52:55,400
We're always looking for a bunch of them.

1279
00:52:57,440 --> 00:52:58,000
How's it go?

1280
00:52:59,000 --> 00:52:59,880
Tremendous, thank you for asking.

1281
00:53:00,280 --> 00:53:00,719
Oh, great.

1282
00:53:01,119 --> 00:53:01,559
I wish you walked.

1283
00:53:02,280 --> 00:53:02,960
What? You quit?

1284
00:53:03,039 --> 00:53:03,679
No.

1285
00:53:03,679 --> 00:53:05,559
Well, technically, you
would need a fucking job to quit.

1286
00:53:05,559 --> 00:53:06,320
But yes, you want it.

1287
00:53:06,320 --> 00:53:07,000
We need to find him.

1288
00:53:07,239 --> 00:53:08,039
I'll take the eighth floor.

1289
00:53:08,039 --> 00:53:08,519
I'll take the knife.

1290
00:53:08,920 --> 00:53:09,119
Okay.

1291
00:53:09,280 --> 00:53:09,960
Oh, okay.

1292
00:53:12,039 --> 00:53:13,079
Hey, have you seen John Belushi?

1293
00:53:15,719 --> 00:53:16,320
(indistinct chatter)

1294
00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:16,880
Sorry, John.

1295
00:53:17,239 --> 00:53:18,159
Have you seen John Belushi?

1296
00:53:18,639 --> 00:53:19,719
You want to hand the air where you go?

1297
00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:21,760
You seen Belushi?

1298
00:53:21,760 --> 00:53:22,920
I'm not an animal wrangler.

1299
00:53:24,119 --> 00:53:24,559
Belushi?

1300
00:53:24,559 --> 00:53:24,760
Belushi?

1301
00:53:25,320 --> 00:53:25,679
Belushi?

1302
00:53:26,559 --> 00:53:26,840
Belushi?

1303
00:53:26,840 --> 00:53:27,039
Belushi?

1304
00:53:28,000 --> 00:53:29,679
Hey, have you guys seen John Belushi?

1305
00:53:30,079 --> 00:53:30,280
John?

1306
00:53:33,000 --> 00:53:34,000
I think it's funny.

1307
00:53:34,559 --> 00:53:35,840
I think that's pretty cool.

1308
00:53:36,119 --> 00:53:37,360
Hey, guys, sorry to bother you.

1309
00:53:37,360 --> 00:53:38,880
Have you seen John Belushi anywhere?

1310
00:53:39,320 --> 00:53:40,400
Oh, yeah, sure.

1311
00:53:40,400 --> 00:53:42,400
He was hanging out
with us yesterday, right?

1312
00:53:42,599 --> 00:53:43,679
No, sorry.

1313
00:53:43,679 --> 00:53:44,639
I'm in the last few minutes.

1314
00:53:45,280 --> 00:53:45,840
Oh, no.

1315
00:53:47,199 --> 00:53:48,199
Well, you seem stressed.

1316
00:53:48,440 --> 00:53:48,800
You okay?

1317
00:53:49,159 --> 00:53:50,519
But I need a hint.

1318
00:53:52,039 --> 00:53:53,199
Oh, no, no, no.

1319
00:53:53,199 --> 00:53:54,119
That's fine.

1320
00:53:54,119 --> 00:53:54,519
That's okay.

1321
00:53:55,119 --> 00:53:56,239
I think it helped.

1322
00:53:58,079 --> 00:53:58,840
That makes sense.

1323
00:53:59,960 --> 00:54:00,320
(laughter)

1324
00:54:02,000 --> 00:54:03,519
There we go.

1325
00:54:03,519 --> 00:54:05,239
(laughter)

1326
00:54:05,800 --> 00:54:06,960
Oh, look at him.

1327
00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:08,800
Atta boy.

1328
00:54:09,880 --> 00:54:11,159
Good luck on your quest, amigo.

1329
00:54:12,960 --> 00:54:13,519
(laughter)

1330
00:54:13,519 --> 00:54:14,639
(coughing)

1331
00:54:14,639 --> 00:54:16,000
Have you seen John Belushi?

1332
00:54:17,599 --> 00:54:18,360
Have you guys seen John?

1333
00:54:18,639 --> 00:54:19,199
Ah, meow.

1334
00:54:19,599 --> 00:54:21,039
Who do you think I am?

1335
00:54:22,079 --> 00:54:22,840
Even Bumblebee.

1336
00:54:23,519 --> 00:54:25,119
No, man, I am talking about him.

1337
00:54:25,119 --> 00:54:27,599
What is my idea to John Belushi?

1338
00:54:28,199 --> 00:54:28,960
Don't ask me that right now.

1339
00:54:29,039 --> 00:54:31,360
I can't answer that.

1340
00:54:32,559 --> 00:54:32,719
Oh.

1341
00:54:36,599 --> 00:54:36,800
Oh.

1342
00:54:37,719 --> 00:54:38,159
How are you doing?

1343
00:54:41,000 --> 00:54:42,400
Thank you.

1344
00:54:43,719 --> 00:54:44,119
So nice.

1345
00:54:47,159 --> 00:54:48,599
Has anybody seen John?

1346
00:54:49,079 --> 00:54:49,559
Hi, John.

1347
00:54:50,039 --> 00:54:50,599
Hi, John.

1348
00:54:51,039 --> 00:54:51,239
No.

1349
00:54:51,800 --> 00:54:52,320
No.

1350
00:54:54,400 --> 00:54:55,119
Oh, this is...

1351
00:54:56,039 --> 00:54:58,360
(indistinct chatter)

1352
00:54:58,360 --> 00:55:00,840
(indistinct chatter)

1353
00:55:00,840 --> 00:55:02,599
Have you guys seen John Belushi?

1354
00:55:03,119 --> 00:55:04,599
Why are you holding your face like that?

1355
00:55:04,599 --> 00:55:04,960
Why are you shouting?

1356
00:55:04,960 --> 00:55:05,679
Are you okay?

1357
00:55:06,079 --> 00:55:06,599
I don't know.

1358
00:55:06,840 --> 00:55:08,960
I can hear my own blood.

1359
00:55:10,159 --> 00:55:11,159
Am I going to be okay?

1360
00:55:11,440 --> 00:55:12,000
Don't ask her.

1361
00:55:12,000 --> 00:55:13,199
She's an imp, not a nurse kid.

1362
00:55:13,559 --> 00:55:14,199
I know that!

1363
00:55:15,400 --> 00:55:16,199
Should I be worried?

1364
00:55:16,840 --> 00:55:17,239
About Neil?

1365
00:55:17,440 --> 00:55:18,079
No, fuck Neil.

1366
00:55:18,320 --> 00:55:18,960
About my act.

1367
00:55:18,960 --> 00:55:20,320
I can't get a
straight answer out of line.

1368
00:55:21,079 --> 00:55:22,840
Billy, your family.

1369
00:55:24,199 --> 00:55:24,960
Ah, meow.

1370
00:55:25,039 --> 00:55:25,719
Neil?

1371
00:55:29,679 --> 00:55:32,880
This week on The Rumpus
Hump, Tony Orlando and Doreen,

1372
00:55:32,880 --> 00:55:34,760
Shields and
Yornell, the Namingo brothers,

1373
00:55:35,079 --> 00:55:36,039
and your favorite judge,

1374
00:55:36,360 --> 00:55:38,800
Robert Shop Quartet, Macho Quartet.

1375
00:55:38,800 --> 00:55:39,039
Morning.

1376
00:55:40,280 --> 00:55:41,280
You know Meltonboro?

1377
00:55:41,280 --> 00:55:42,280
Oh, absolutely.

1378
00:55:43,079 --> 00:55:43,599
Big fan.

1379
00:55:43,599 --> 00:55:44,400
I grew up on your work.

1380
00:55:44,400 --> 00:55:44,679
Who did?

1381
00:55:44,920 --> 00:55:45,679
Here, it's your big night.

1382
00:55:46,119 --> 00:55:46,800
I'm planning on it.

1383
00:55:47,119 --> 00:55:47,800
How's it all coming?

1384
00:55:48,840 --> 00:55:50,079
Just perfect.

1385
00:55:50,679 --> 00:55:51,280
You're not going to get that.

1386
00:55:51,280 --> 00:55:51,960
You certainly don't.

1387
00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:53,719
Yep.

1388
00:55:54,360 --> 00:55:56,480
Being here must bring back
all kinds of memories, I'm sure.

1389
00:55:56,480 --> 00:55:57,400
Sure, sure, yeah.

1390
00:55:57,639 --> 00:55:59,599
Used to call this the RCA radio talent.

1391
00:56:00,079 --> 00:56:03,119
Radio, that wonderful invention
by which I could reach a million people

1392
00:56:03,119 --> 00:56:05,000
who fortunately couldn't reach me.

1393
00:56:05,280 --> 00:56:08,960
You know, Milk's TV
show once pulled a 97 share.

1394
00:56:09,599 --> 00:56:13,800
97% of the American
audience was watching Uncle Milk.

1395
00:56:14,039 --> 00:56:15,320
Do you ever miss me, Mr. Television?

1396
00:56:17,400 --> 00:56:17,960
What is he talking about?

1397
00:56:19,000 --> 00:56:23,920
Lauren, Milk remains one of
the peacock's most colorful feathers.

1398
00:56:24,320 --> 00:56:24,960
It's quite a feather.

1399
00:56:25,159 --> 00:56:26,119
Of course, of course.

1400
00:56:26,119 --> 00:56:27,599
I'm looking forward to hosting your show.

1401
00:56:29,000 --> 00:56:30,199
Well, we'd be honored.

1402
00:56:30,920 --> 00:56:32,880
I think there are still so
many decisions we'd have to make.

1403
00:56:32,880 --> 00:56:34,039
I'm hearing episode five.

1404
00:56:34,039 --> 00:56:35,480
What are the boys upstairs loving?

1405
00:56:35,800 --> 00:56:36,400
Affiliates?

1406
00:56:36,400 --> 00:56:36,840
Aint it up.

1407
00:56:37,280 --> 00:56:38,280
Well, they're the real boss.

1408
00:56:38,760 --> 00:56:39,199
Right.

1409
00:56:39,199 --> 00:56:40,559
Well, it is a late show.

1410
00:56:40,559 --> 00:56:41,199
Are you sooner for midnight?

1411
00:56:43,039 --> 00:56:45,320
At 67, I still feel like a 20-year-old.

1412
00:56:46,119 --> 00:56:47,000
Unfortunately, there's never one around.

1413
00:56:48,039 --> 00:56:49,719
Your reputation precedes you.

1414
00:56:49,960 --> 00:56:51,159
Yeah, by about 11 inches.

1415
00:56:51,159 --> 00:56:51,960
Excuse me a second.

1416
00:56:55,159 --> 00:56:56,039
Any sign of Belushi?

1417
00:56:56,559 --> 00:56:57,840
Uh, John?

1418
00:56:58,559 --> 00:57:00,039
I believe he's in wardrobe. Why?

1419
00:57:00,239 --> 00:57:01,800
Leave him as Francis' paperwork.

1420
00:57:02,119 --> 00:57:03,599
That's strange. Don't look into it.

1421
00:57:03,599 --> 00:57:07,280
Lauren, I can only imagine what
must be running through your mind before,

1422
00:57:07,639 --> 00:57:11,280
no matter how improbable,
that you might not take it to there.

1423
00:57:11,280 --> 00:57:12,320
That didn't even occur to me.

1424
00:57:12,320 --> 00:57:12,559
Really?

1425
00:57:13,280 --> 00:57:15,960
I heard that you were
having some technical difficulties.

1426
00:57:16,000 --> 00:57:17,639
None that I know of.

1427
00:57:18,360 --> 00:57:18,559
(Screams)

1428
00:57:18,559 --> 00:57:21,920
I just heard that
your writers were stoned.

1429
00:57:21,920 --> 00:57:24,320
Your actors were
physically assaulting each other.

1430
00:57:24,760 --> 00:57:24,800
(Screams)

1431
00:57:25,000 --> 00:57:26,519
The sound system was down.

1432
00:57:26,519 --> 00:57:27,599
What the hell is happening?

1433
00:57:27,599 --> 00:57:28,960
And the fire broke out earlier.

1434
00:57:29,599 --> 00:57:30,679
(Screams)

1435
00:57:32,400 --> 00:57:34,920
I've been doing this job
a long time. I've seen it all.

1436
00:57:37,000 --> 00:57:39,280
I'm sure you have it all under control.

1437
00:57:40,800 --> 00:57:42,639
A minor issue is already addressed.

1438
00:57:42,960 --> 00:57:46,880
That's really sure. This whole
conversation is a soothing shower in early...

1439
00:57:46,880 --> 00:57:50,559
Good, good. Look, if for some
reason you can't block your script

1440
00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:54,639
or commit your cast
to legally binding contracts,

1441
00:57:55,159 --> 00:57:59,039
rest assured, the country
will be happy to watch Johnny Cash.

1442
00:58:01,400 --> 00:58:03,400
Well, we could always
play the tape of dress rehearsal.

1443
00:58:03,840 --> 00:58:04,800
Worst case scenario?

1444
00:58:06,719 --> 00:58:07,559
That's not the worst case.

1445
00:58:13,039 --> 00:58:17,599
(Door opens)

1446
00:58:17,599 --> 00:58:25,800
Look me, that's a lot of cards.

1447
00:58:27,239 --> 00:58:29,039
Yeah, what's the fastest
you can do you set top to bottom?

1448
00:58:29,320 --> 00:58:30,079
Five minutes.

1449
00:58:30,079 --> 00:58:31,480
Yeah, me too. Could you do it in four?

1450
00:58:32,000 --> 00:58:32,280
Probably.

1451
00:58:32,519 --> 00:58:32,880
Yeah, me too.

1452
00:58:35,239 --> 00:58:36,400
So, they're gonna offer us three.

1453
00:58:37,599 --> 00:58:39,119
But we gotta draw
the line at four, all right?

1454
00:58:39,840 --> 00:58:41,960
Okay. I wanna do the show.

1455
00:58:42,039 --> 00:58:44,400
No, we're doing the show. We
just can't get jerked around, that's all.

1456
00:58:44,400 --> 00:58:45,119
But we're doing the show?

1457
00:58:45,119 --> 00:58:46,880
Of course we're doing the
show. We just gotta be in this together.

1458
00:58:47,840 --> 00:58:48,039
Okay.

1459
00:58:50,360 --> 00:58:52,760
Neil, sweeties,
everything looks great in here.

1460
00:58:53,119 --> 00:58:53,320
(Knocking)

1461
00:58:53,320 --> 00:58:54,400
Special ovary for Neil and Amy.

1462
00:58:55,320 --> 00:58:55,519
Flowers.

1463
00:58:55,639 --> 00:58:56,559
What'd you think of that, Graham?

1464
00:58:56,559 --> 00:58:57,079
Neil, I'm sorry.

1465
00:58:57,079 --> 00:58:58,960
Neil, it's your
mother, I wrote by the door.

1466
00:58:59,000 --> 00:59:00,599
Oh, I have to keep you in the door.

1467
00:59:01,239 --> 00:59:02,960
Hey, Neil, buddy,
you breaking out in there?

1468
00:59:03,280 --> 00:59:03,679
Oh, God.

1469
00:59:03,800 --> 00:59:05,639
I took a hit in the departure mode.

1470
00:59:05,880 --> 00:59:07,159
All right, whose dress was it?

1471
00:59:07,800 --> 00:59:08,880
One of the horn players.

1472
00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:09,960
Oh, degenerates.

1473
00:59:10,760 --> 00:59:12,119
It's a potent dragon
you're riding there, kid.

1474
00:59:12,519 --> 00:59:16,119
What you smoked was a sacred strain
from the Isan Plateau of Thailand, I believe.

1475
00:59:16,119 --> 00:59:16,679
But that's Plateau of Thailand.

1476
00:59:16,679 --> 00:59:19,239
Make no mistake about it, that
stick's probably stronger than a bull elephant.

1477
00:59:19,559 --> 00:59:21,960
But listen, we're all
a little freaked out, so...

1478
00:59:21,960 --> 00:59:22,400
I'm freaked out.

1479
00:59:22,400 --> 00:59:24,519
Why don't you come
out and we can check on

1480
00:59:24,519 --> 00:59:26,199
your face, make sure
it's not inside out, okay?

1481
00:59:26,199 --> 00:59:26,400
Come on.

1482
00:59:26,519 --> 00:59:27,719
Show us your face, Neil.

1483
00:59:28,280 --> 00:59:28,800
Show us the face.

1484
00:59:28,800 --> 00:59:29,039
Come on.

1485
00:59:29,559 --> 00:59:30,039
Show us the face.

1486
00:59:31,360 --> 00:59:31,559
Oh.

1487
00:59:32,000 --> 00:59:32,440
Oh, no.

1488
00:59:34,000 --> 00:59:35,480
Oh, I'm not giving up.

1489
00:59:35,960 --> 00:59:36,920
You're gonna be
fine, we'll fix you up with

1490
00:59:36,920 --> 00:59:37,960
some amphetamines,
we'll be fit as a plate.

1491
00:59:38,039 --> 00:59:39,199
You might even like the stuff.

1492
00:59:39,599 --> 00:59:39,880
Cocaine.

1493
00:59:40,559 --> 00:59:43,079
Robert Louis Stevenson actually did
some of his best writing on the nose cam.

1494
00:59:43,079 --> 00:59:43,440
Oh, Bobby.

1495
00:59:43,719 --> 00:59:44,519
A lot of people know that.

1496
00:59:44,920 --> 00:59:45,119
Yeah.

1497
00:59:45,400 --> 00:59:46,320
He was a big freak from the writing.

1498
00:59:46,320 --> 00:59:46,639
Hey!

1499
00:59:47,199 --> 00:59:48,360
We need everyone in Toga's.

1500
00:59:48,360 --> 00:59:49,639
Everyone down to the eighth floor now.

1501
00:59:50,639 --> 00:59:50,880
Whoo-hoo!

1502
00:59:53,400 --> 00:59:54,519
[screaming] [screaming]

1503
00:59:54,519 --> 00:59:55,199
I wanted a Toga!

1504
00:59:55,840 --> 00:59:58,360
[screaming]

1505
00:59:58,360 --> 00:59:59,840
[screaming]

1506
00:59:59,840 --> 01:00:00,159
[screaming]

1507
01:00:00,159 --> 01:00:00,400
[screaming] [laughing]

1508
01:00:00,559 --> 01:00:01,119
Hey, you're moving.

1509
01:00:02,199 --> 01:00:03,440
[screaming]

1510
01:00:03,440 --> 01:00:05,360
[screaming]

1511
01:00:05,360 --> 01:00:06,400
[screaming]

1512
01:00:06,400 --> 01:00:06,960
[screaming]

1513
01:00:06,960 --> 01:00:09,719
[screaming]
[screaming] [screaming] [screaming]

1514
01:00:09,719 --> 01:00:10,280
[screaming]

1515
01:00:10,280 --> 01:00:10,920
Hey, I'm good.

1516
01:00:12,920 --> 01:00:12,960
[screaming]

1517
01:00:12,960 --> 01:00:13,800
[screaming]

1518
01:00:13,800 --> 01:00:15,000
[screaming]

1519
01:00:15,000 --> 01:00:15,039
[screaming]

1520
01:00:15,039 --> 01:00:16,840
Rocky, there's no
way these kids are going to

1521
01:00:16,840 --> 01:00:18,559
hit their mark, so
you better be wide enough

1522
01:00:18,559 --> 01:00:19,360
to catch them all.

1523
01:00:19,360 --> 01:00:19,719
We got that?

1524
01:00:19,719 --> 01:00:22,000
Hey, did Rosie tell you
what she wants for her credit?

1525
01:00:23,079 --> 01:00:26,400
Oh, uh, she was of two minds.

1526
01:00:27,320 --> 01:00:27,519
Mm-hmm.

1527
01:00:29,199 --> 01:00:30,960
What is this?

1528
01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:31,840
Why are you king of Carson?

1529
01:00:31,840 --> 01:00:32,280
Who is that?

1530
01:00:32,880 --> 01:00:33,960
I think that's Tony Curtis.

1531
01:00:34,400 --> 01:00:36,599
That's pretty normal right
before a live show, right, Dave?

1532
01:00:36,800 --> 01:00:38,559
Yeah, if anything
goes wrong, we bump the tape.

1533
01:00:38,960 --> 01:00:39,159
See?

1534
01:00:39,599 --> 01:00:39,880
Right.

1535
01:00:40,280 --> 01:00:42,079
Lord, Lord, we
found the lighting director.

1536
01:00:42,559 --> 01:00:42,880
Great.

1537
01:00:42,880 --> 01:00:42,920
Great.

1538
01:00:42,920 --> 01:00:43,360
Go get him.

1539
01:00:43,559 --> 01:00:45,960
No, he's lighting a show
right now, so we'll take some massaging.

1540
01:00:46,320 --> 01:00:47,039
Oh, we don't have any.

1541
01:00:49,760 --> 01:00:50,079
What floor?

1542
01:00:50,800 --> 01:00:53,719
It's down on the
sixth floor, some variety show.

1543
01:00:53,960 --> 01:00:54,639
Any news from coming?

1544
01:00:55,360 --> 01:00:55,559
Uh...

1545
01:00:56,840 --> 01:00:58,400
Uh, say, "Lone, this is the bath time."

1546
01:00:58,760 --> 01:00:59,480
Perfect time, Garrett.

1547
01:00:59,679 --> 01:01:03,280
Okay, I've been
thinking, why did you hire me?

1548
01:01:03,559 --> 01:01:04,000
You're cheap.

1549
01:01:04,519 --> 01:01:04,800
Really?

1550
01:01:04,920 --> 01:01:06,880
I'm being ironical, Garrett.

1551
01:01:06,880 --> 01:01:07,159
All right.

1552
01:01:08,079 --> 01:01:08,559
What the fuck?

1553
01:01:09,199 --> 01:01:09,519
Mm-hmm.

1554
01:01:13,519 --> 01:01:14,000
Hey, Garrett.

1555
01:01:15,159 --> 01:01:15,400
What's wrong?

1556
01:01:16,960 --> 01:01:17,360
Nothing.

1557
01:01:17,639 --> 01:01:18,280
I'm just, uh...

1558
01:01:19,400 --> 01:01:22,360
I'm just trying to figure out
exactly what it is I am doing here.

1559
01:01:23,000 --> 01:01:23,639
Oh, what do you mean?

1560
01:01:24,400 --> 01:01:25,320
Oh, you know, I just...

1561
01:01:25,920 --> 01:01:28,400
I just can't help but
feeling a little bit like an outsider.

1562
01:01:29,079 --> 01:01:29,960
Because you're so much older.

1563
01:01:30,639 --> 01:01:30,840
Huh?

1564
01:01:32,400 --> 01:01:33,800
I went to Juilliard.

1565
01:01:33,800 --> 01:01:37,000
Been on Broadway.
I'm a published playwright.

1566
01:01:37,199 --> 01:01:40,800
Man, they got me buzzing
around here in a goddamn bee suit

1567
01:01:40,800 --> 01:01:42,599
and waving a gun around
like I'm some kind of hoodlum.

1568
01:01:42,960 --> 01:01:45,039
These are not my strengths, man.

1569
01:01:45,039 --> 01:01:47,920
I am being
underutilized, which makes me ponder.

1570
01:01:48,480 --> 01:01:49,719
What am I doing here?

1571
01:01:51,079 --> 01:01:52,400
You know how many operas I've done?

1572
01:01:52,800 --> 01:01:54,039
I have no idea.

1573
01:01:54,559 --> 01:01:56,039
She, while daddy and the
ring were eating Froot Loops,

1574
01:01:56,280 --> 01:02:00,400
I was performing La Traviata in Italian.

1575
01:02:01,360 --> 01:02:01,719
You dig?

1576
01:02:02,119 --> 01:02:02,800
Of course, I dig.

1577
01:02:02,800 --> 01:02:05,760
But, uh...

1578
01:02:07,039 --> 01:02:09,079
no one is saying
they can't sing on the show.

1579
01:02:09,679 --> 01:02:09,920
Right?

1580
01:02:17,440 --> 01:02:18,119
Where's the robs room?

1581
01:02:18,719 --> 01:02:20,599
Down on the right.

1582
01:02:21,960 --> 01:02:23,480
[drumming]

1583
01:02:23,840 --> 01:02:24,880
Oh, pardon me.

1584
01:02:25,800 --> 01:02:30,360
[drumming]

1585
01:02:33,800 --> 01:02:35,400
And three, two...

1586
01:02:38,599 --> 01:02:46,519
Two, seven, eight, and one.

1587
01:02:48,800 --> 01:02:51,360
Five, six, uh-oh.

1588
01:02:52,320 --> 01:02:52,880
Smile.

1589
01:02:55,800 --> 01:02:58,800
[drumming]

1590
01:03:32,280 --> 01:03:38,519
[drumming]

1591
01:03:38,800 --> 01:03:39,440
Hey!

1592
01:03:40,079 --> 01:03:41,360
Look at that.

1593
01:03:41,639 --> 01:03:45,880
You got your ass prepped to
cupcake lights and bring up the glitter, Carl.

1594
01:03:47,480 --> 01:03:47,639
Carl?

1595
01:03:48,960 --> 01:03:49,519
I have a job offer.

1596
01:03:50,400 --> 01:03:53,000
It comes with no
guarantees, no perks, and no weekends.

1597
01:03:54,800 --> 01:03:55,239
How's the pay?

1598
01:03:57,360 --> 01:04:01,360
That's the worst part.

1599
01:04:02,800 --> 01:04:04,559
What the fuck?

1600
01:04:04,559 --> 01:04:05,519
You started right now.

1601
01:04:19,800 --> 01:04:21,320
Rosie, you seen Jackie?

1602
01:04:21,800 --> 01:04:22,159
Sorry.

1603
01:04:23,119 --> 01:04:24,079
Knock, knock.

1604
01:04:25,159 --> 01:04:25,320
Hi.

1605
01:04:25,800 --> 01:04:27,280
Hi, stud. Can I see?

1606
01:04:27,519 --> 01:04:28,519
You get Chevy to do this one.

1607
01:04:28,800 --> 01:04:30,840
Oh, no way. You look so sexy.

1608
01:04:32,079 --> 01:04:33,320
These can't be the right size.

1609
01:04:33,800 --> 01:04:35,679
Yeah, you're right. They
should be a little bit smaller.

1610
01:04:36,679 --> 01:04:37,840
Just feels like it's a lot of leg.

1611
01:04:38,360 --> 01:04:40,639
You're getting hot stuff.
You're gonna melt every TV in America.

1612
01:04:41,119 --> 01:04:41,440
Oh, yeah?

1613
01:04:41,639 --> 01:04:42,039
Uh, yeah.

1614
01:04:42,400 --> 01:04:45,239
You know, ma'am, you're dealing
with a fully qualified maelstrom in here.

1615
01:04:45,400 --> 01:04:46,039
Oh, ma'am?

1616
01:04:46,039 --> 01:04:48,280
I've actually got a work order stating I

1617
01:04:48,280 --> 01:04:50,800
should be Roger and
you around Lee right now.

1618
01:04:50,800 --> 01:04:52,039
I've never seen John.

1619
01:04:52,840 --> 01:04:54,480
Um, uh, no, I haven't seen him.

1620
01:04:55,559 --> 01:04:57,039
Danny? Have you seen John?

1621
01:04:57,039 --> 01:05:00,280
John. Uh, well, John's an
anarchist and an Illinois alpha male.

1622
01:05:01,360 --> 01:05:02,199
What does that mean?

1623
01:05:02,800 --> 01:05:06,320
Oh, uh, well, see, boss, you
and I, if we were to enter this space,

1624
01:05:06,519 --> 01:05:09,519
we'd be like 15th century
peasants walking into the Vatican,

1625
01:05:09,519 --> 01:05:10,719
but Belushi's a whole other animal.

1626
01:05:11,199 --> 01:05:12,400
He's a skeptic and a sinner.

1627
01:05:13,199 --> 01:05:14,159
If you put a hooli hands a wrecky.

1628
01:05:14,960 --> 01:05:15,920
He's at the bar next door.

1629
01:05:16,400 --> 01:05:19,320
Uh, um, Barbara's still
asking about your credit on the show.

1630
01:05:20,159 --> 01:05:20,920
Whatever you think.

1631
01:05:21,320 --> 01:05:22,039
It's your name, Rose.

1632
01:05:24,559 --> 01:05:25,320
Did you know we got him that far?

1633
01:05:26,039 --> 01:05:28,639
We'd like to help, but,
uh, we're rooting for the guy.

1634
01:05:28,800 --> 01:05:29,599
Well, at least you're large Senate.

1635
01:05:30,480 --> 01:05:31,840
Hey, you seen Jacqueline, my fiance?

1636
01:05:32,159 --> 01:05:33,519
No, I haven't seen shit.

1637
01:05:34,639 --> 01:05:35,880
Ladies, you seen Jacqueline.

1638
01:05:36,159 --> 01:05:36,519
You seen activities.

1639
01:05:37,039 --> 01:05:38,039
All right, Jane, you're playing.

1640
01:05:38,039 --> 01:05:40,599
We're skipping Ancient Greece
and we're moving into the break room.

1641
01:05:41,400 --> 01:05:42,360
Ladies and each and each hot nuts.

1642
01:05:42,639 --> 01:05:43,360
Okay, right now.

1643
01:05:43,639 --> 01:05:44,559
I am one.

1644
01:05:44,800 --> 01:05:47,800
Are we good? Is, uh, is he all right?

1645
01:05:47,800 --> 01:05:48,639
Yeah, yeah.

1646
01:05:48,960 --> 01:05:50,920
Danny, I mean,
whatever's going on between you

1647
01:05:50,920 --> 01:05:53,039
and me is the last
thing on his mind right now.

1648
01:05:53,039 --> 01:05:54,559
So the man doesn't
wrestle with the green-eyed monster?

1649
01:05:55,039 --> 01:05:58,400
Hardly. I mean, look, I've known
Lauren since I had toilet paper tits.

1650
01:05:59,559 --> 01:06:02,119
One day he just followed me
up from school and I never shook him.

1651
01:06:02,920 --> 01:06:03,880
Pretty sure you'd be arrested for that.

1652
01:06:03,880 --> 01:06:04,559
Look out, Rosie!

1653
01:06:04,559 --> 01:06:05,440
Oh, sorry, miss.

1654
01:06:07,119 --> 01:06:08,119
Anyways, I don't know.

1655
01:06:08,519 --> 01:06:12,800
Lauren lost his dad when he
was 14 and his mom sold everything.

1656
01:06:12,800 --> 01:06:14,559
And so he spent a
whole year without furniture.

1657
01:06:14,800 --> 01:06:17,679
So when I first met
him, I thought, "He's just

1658
01:06:17,679 --> 01:06:20,079
a stray looking for
a spare piece of carpet."

1659
01:06:20,320 --> 01:06:25,519
Like, he wants to be part of my
family and I'm the kid's sister or something.

1660
01:06:26,519 --> 01:06:27,960
But then, hormones?

1661
01:06:28,719 --> 01:06:30,239
Turns out I'm not the kid's sister.

1662
01:06:31,239 --> 01:06:37,519
And so we start dating and I think,
"Okay, he wants to build a family with me."

1663
01:06:38,039 --> 01:06:40,079
And we get married, we buy a house.

1664
01:06:40,400 --> 01:06:40,800
I mean, no ring.

1665
01:06:40,800 --> 01:06:44,679
I think those are pretty
stupid, but Glynons in China.

1666
01:06:47,039 --> 01:06:51,280
And then it turns out I'm
not the kid's sister or the wife.

1667
01:06:52,199 --> 01:06:52,719
So who are you?

1668
01:06:53,800 --> 01:06:54,840
I'm the writer.

1669
01:06:57,320 --> 01:06:58,360
And who's he?

1670
01:06:59,119 --> 01:07:01,920
We take you now to a real woman.

1671
01:07:01,920 --> 01:07:03,440
Oh, Cuba! Can I
get you behind the locker?

1672
01:07:04,119 --> 01:07:04,960
Okay. Yeah.

1673
01:07:06,960 --> 01:07:08,320
And try sitting like men.

1674
01:07:09,320 --> 01:07:12,400
Oh, yeah. Perfect.
Okay. Hair and makeup. Clear.

1675
01:07:13,159 --> 01:07:16,800
Clearing. Please get
the fuck out. Thank you. Okay.

1676
01:07:17,079 --> 01:07:17,920
And action!

1677
01:07:19,800 --> 01:07:22,599
Now that you've
mastered all the technical

1678
01:07:22,599 --> 01:07:26,679
know-how, I think it's
time we work on your sidewalk skits.

1679
01:07:26,679 --> 01:07:27,239
All right.

1680
01:07:28,280 --> 01:07:33,320
Daniel over here has kindly
offered to aid us in a live demonstration.

1681
01:07:34,039 --> 01:07:35,159
Come on out, Danny.

1682
01:07:36,800 --> 01:07:37,800
Danny, enter.

1683
01:07:41,800 --> 01:07:44,159
No, you've got to take off the robe.

1684
01:07:44,559 --> 01:07:46,280
I can lose it on the
day I figured out where it is.

1685
01:07:46,280 --> 01:07:51,079
No, you can lose the robe right now.

1686
01:07:52,519 --> 01:07:55,159
She looks her too short.

1687
01:07:55,760 --> 01:07:55,960
Oh!

1688
01:07:57,039 --> 01:08:01,119
Now when a little piece
of heaven, like Danny walks by...

1689
01:08:01,320 --> 01:08:01,760
Go strong.

1690
01:08:03,480 --> 01:08:07,079
Here's how you make a feel right at home.

1691
01:08:07,079 --> 01:08:07,559
Boom!

1692
01:08:08,039 --> 01:08:08,239
Boom!

1693
01:08:09,360 --> 01:08:11,679
Somebody come and give it up!

1694
01:08:12,119 --> 01:08:13,760
Okay, come on, Jane. Give it to me.

1695
01:08:14,039 --> 01:08:14,679
All right.

1696
01:08:16,279 --> 01:08:17,039
Hey, dreamboat.

1697
01:08:18,000 --> 01:08:20,720
What's the matter? Why
don't you give me a little twirl?

1698
01:08:21,159 --> 01:08:23,560
Show me what you're working with.

1699
01:08:24,800 --> 01:08:25,760
[all cheering]

1700
01:08:26,800 --> 01:08:28,800
Okay, give it to him around.

1701
01:08:33,079 --> 01:08:35,239
Hey, stop muffins. Why
don't I bounce you, bounce you?

1702
01:08:36,800 --> 01:08:38,079
Are we still doing the scene?

1703
01:08:38,479 --> 01:08:40,760
What are you talking to our
boy? You're talking to me. Joy Jugs.

1704
01:08:40,760 --> 01:08:41,279
Jane character.

1705
01:08:41,960 --> 01:08:42,359
Hey.

1706
01:08:43,039 --> 01:08:43,560
All right.

1707
01:08:44,000 --> 01:08:45,119
You dropped something.

1708
01:08:46,119 --> 01:08:46,359
Oh.

1709
01:08:48,600 --> 01:08:49,880
Well, I guess I should just pick this up.

1710
01:08:50,479 --> 01:08:51,680
Oh, you got it, Danny!

1711
01:08:52,319 --> 01:08:54,439
[all cheering]

1712
01:08:54,439 --> 01:08:57,760
All right.

1713
01:08:57,800 --> 01:08:59,840
You're so cute with the name!

1714
01:09:00,079 --> 01:09:00,760
Okay, cut.

1715
01:09:03,119 --> 01:09:06,159
The shorts are too short, I told you.

1716
01:09:06,399 --> 01:09:07,159
There you go.

1717
01:09:08,159 --> 01:09:09,000
It's a great favorite.

1718
01:09:09,840 --> 01:09:10,800
Yes, Tom, Tom.

1719
01:09:11,079 --> 01:09:14,079
All right, everyone, moving
on. Great rehearsal. Here we go.

1720
01:09:14,319 --> 01:09:18,199
We take you now to
Ancient Greece as Alexander the Great.

1721
01:09:18,640 --> 01:09:18,840
Yes.

1722
01:09:20,560 --> 01:09:21,920
Hey, boys, have you seen Jackie?

1723
01:09:24,159 --> 01:09:25,039
Gentlemen, you seen Jackie?

1724
01:09:29,800 --> 01:09:31,760
Hey, hon, they need us in Athens.

1725
01:09:31,800 --> 01:09:32,720
Jesus, who's this guy?

1726
01:09:32,920 --> 01:09:36,359
Chevy, Milton Dave to show
you're back in 1956, isn't that neat?

1727
01:09:37,239 --> 01:09:37,680
She's taken.

1728
01:09:38,279 --> 01:09:39,840
What hours? I'll
take the rest of the evening.

1729
01:09:40,479 --> 01:09:41,079
Excuse me?

1730
01:09:41,079 --> 01:09:41,560
He's kidding.

1731
01:09:41,800 --> 01:09:42,880
Yeah, buddy, I'm kidding.

1732
01:09:43,119 --> 01:09:45,359
Oh, that's cute. I
remember when you used to do comedy.

1733
01:09:45,800 --> 01:09:47,159
Funny, because I never heard of you.

1734
01:09:47,520 --> 01:09:48,760
That's probably the Alzheimer's.

1735
01:09:49,960 --> 01:09:52,560
What's the matter? Did you
wander off onto an actual TV set?

1736
01:09:54,199 --> 01:09:57,000
Hey, darling, you're sitting in
front of the ghost of television past.

1737
01:09:57,319 --> 01:10:00,119
This old man, he used to be
an institution. Now he needs one.

1738
01:10:02,119 --> 01:10:03,399
If you want my
comeback, you're gonna have

1739
01:10:03,399 --> 01:10:05,279
to scrape it off the
back of your mom's teeth.

1740
01:10:06,159 --> 01:10:06,359
Jesus.

1741
01:10:09,039 --> 01:10:09,640
You're gonna laugh at that.

1742
01:10:10,119 --> 01:10:12,800
Listen, sweetheart, there's
plenty more where that came from.

1743
01:10:15,039 --> 01:10:15,279
God.

1744
01:10:17,239 --> 01:10:19,479
Oh, do I have your attention?

1745
01:10:23,600 --> 01:10:27,520
I have two stars on the walk of fame.

1746
01:10:28,000 --> 01:10:28,199
Oh.

1747
01:10:28,399 --> 01:10:29,560
Oh, yeah, who gives a shit?

1748
01:10:29,800 --> 01:10:33,880
I went to 97% of
America's television viewing audience.

1749
01:10:35,800 --> 01:10:37,680
That's not what they're gonna remember.

1750
01:10:39,239 --> 01:10:40,920
They're gonna remember Mr. Television.

1751
01:10:42,359 --> 01:10:43,279
Their Uncle Miltie.

1752
01:10:45,840 --> 01:10:46,960
Who the fuck are you, kid?

1753
01:10:48,920 --> 01:10:49,479
You're not a star.

1754
01:10:51,960 --> 01:10:52,960
You're barely in the fucking building.

1755
01:10:57,239 --> 01:10:58,359
You're not even a swinging dick.

1756
01:11:01,960 --> 01:11:03,439
Call me after he's done crying.

1757
01:11:03,800 --> 01:11:06,159
Are you shitting me?

1758
01:11:06,159 --> 01:11:07,680
Are you shitting me with this, guys?

1759
01:11:07,800 --> 01:11:10,640
Can you make a path as an
actual comedian coming through a hole?

1760
01:11:10,960 --> 01:11:13,399
Wow. Look at these
columns. I feel transported.

1761
01:11:13,960 --> 01:11:14,159
Oh.

1762
01:11:14,800 --> 01:11:16,199
Hey, George, how can I help?

1763
01:11:16,960 --> 01:11:18,800
So what is this?

1764
01:11:19,039 --> 01:11:21,439
Why am I dressed like a
fucking towel boy from Caesars?

1765
01:11:21,680 --> 01:11:23,159
Well, I believe
you're Alexander the Great.

1766
01:11:23,359 --> 01:11:24,279
It is, um...

1767
01:11:24,279 --> 01:11:25,720
Ten-year high school reunion.

1768
01:11:25,920 --> 01:11:26,520
Thank you, darling.

1769
01:11:26,800 --> 01:11:29,039
When Chevy asks what
you've been up to, your response is,

1770
01:11:29,039 --> 01:11:31,319
"Ah, you know, mostly
conquering the non-universe."

1771
01:11:33,439 --> 01:11:35,119
Right. And this is for television.

1772
01:11:35,119 --> 01:11:36,520
Mm-hmm. What's your concern, George?

1773
01:11:36,520 --> 01:11:39,279
My real concern is why I let
my agent convince me to do your show.

1774
01:11:39,279 --> 01:11:40,239
Do you need some help with the script?

1775
01:11:40,239 --> 01:11:41,600
I just want to know where the humor is.

1776
01:11:42,039 --> 01:11:44,279
It's like a spruce goose.
There's a lot of wood and no lift-off.

1777
01:11:44,279 --> 01:11:46,039
Well, I mean, we have...

1778
01:11:46,399 --> 01:11:46,920
Jesus Christ.

1779
01:11:47,600 --> 01:11:49,239
No, no, George, I hear you.

1780
01:11:49,239 --> 01:11:49,880
We want to make a work.

1781
01:11:49,880 --> 01:11:51,840
I think I understand the
reason you might be struggling.

1782
01:11:53,239 --> 01:11:54,479
You see, these are scenes.

1783
01:11:54,800 --> 01:11:56,600
They were all around acting.

1784
01:11:57,039 --> 01:11:57,239
Michael.

1785
01:11:57,640 --> 01:11:59,119
And that must feel foreign when you're a

1786
01:11:59,119 --> 01:12:01,319
ponytail vulture feeding
off the corpse of Lenny Bruce.

1787
01:12:07,680 --> 01:12:08,920
It's okay. He's right. You're right.

1788
01:12:11,720 --> 01:12:11,840
Because...

1789
01:12:13,039 --> 01:12:16,359
I wouldn't want to make these
skits any worse than they actually are.

1790
01:12:17,039 --> 01:12:19,640
It's a great thing
no one will be watching.

1791
01:12:20,319 --> 01:12:22,520
Enjoy your fucking little circle, jerk!

1792
01:12:22,560 --> 01:12:22,760
We already are.

1793
01:12:22,800 --> 01:12:24,239
Oh, your mom's here?

1794
01:12:27,680 --> 01:12:29,359
Well, he's in character.

1795
01:13:11,159 --> 01:13:11,239
Shit.

1796
01:13:11,239 --> 01:13:17,800
More great news!
We figured it out. Ready?

1797
01:13:24,159 --> 01:13:24,359
Ta-da!

1798
01:13:25,800 --> 01:13:26,600
We caught the toker sketch.

1799
01:13:27,600 --> 01:13:30,319
Oh. Even without
Alexander, we're still 30, either.

1800
01:13:30,319 --> 01:13:32,520
Maybe we don't need
four musical performances,

1801
01:13:32,520 --> 01:13:34,319
or maybe we can trim
one of the Harlem monologues.

1802
01:13:35,319 --> 01:13:43,880
What about now? Are we under now?

1803
01:13:44,520 --> 01:13:46,279
We can make it work.

1804
01:13:52,800 --> 01:13:53,039
One?

1805
01:13:53,640 --> 01:13:56,760
I know it's probably
a bad time and all, but...

1806
01:13:58,199 --> 01:14:00,319
Valerie and I have
been talking, and we can't

1807
01:14:00,319 --> 01:14:01,720
accept anything less
than four minutes apiece.

1808
01:14:02,039 --> 01:14:04,079
So that's four minutes
for me, four minutes for Valerie.

1809
01:14:04,079 --> 01:14:06,840
But we've just
been working too hard on our

1810
01:14:06,840 --> 01:14:08,439
material to accept
anything less, so it's...

1811
01:14:09,600 --> 01:14:10,199
Four minutes or nothing?

1812
01:14:10,800 --> 01:14:11,760
Well, I need two minutes.

1813
01:14:12,359 --> 01:14:14,319
You need me to cut
two minutes off my sketch? I

1814
01:14:14,319 --> 01:14:16,239
could do that one. I
mean, that's six minutes only.

1815
01:14:16,439 --> 01:14:17,600
No, I need two minutes of material.

1816
01:14:18,720 --> 01:14:19,520
It's two minutes or nothing.

1817
01:14:20,199 --> 01:14:21,159
Is this for real? Because...

1818
01:14:21,800 --> 01:14:23,760
I killed a dress.

1819
01:14:24,279 --> 01:14:26,680
I'm the only act that
killed a dress. I can do the show.

1820
01:14:26,840 --> 01:14:27,840
Really? Can you
make it work in two minutes?

1821
01:14:27,840 --> 01:14:29,119
I can't even set it up in two.

1822
01:14:29,119 --> 01:14:31,199
Then I don't know what to
say. I'm sorry. It didn't work out.

1823
01:14:32,079 --> 01:14:32,840
Can you make it in two?

1824
01:14:33,960 --> 01:14:34,199
Yes.

1825
01:14:34,680 --> 01:14:34,960
Great.

1826
01:14:43,079 --> 01:14:44,000
Lauren! Lauren!

1827
01:14:45,119 --> 01:14:48,359
I was thinking.

1828
01:14:49,399 --> 01:14:49,920
Why don't we put...

1829
01:14:51,800 --> 01:14:54,960
Come back stronger next
week. Debut with Paul Simon.

1830
01:14:55,920 --> 01:14:56,600
Badger, you've been thinking?

1831
01:14:56,800 --> 01:14:59,760
Listen, no one wants this
show to succeed more than I do.

1832
01:14:59,760 --> 01:15:00,119
Is that so?

1833
01:15:00,560 --> 01:15:03,520
I mean, yeah. I hired you, Lauren.

1834
01:15:03,880 --> 01:15:06,800
I think it up the astronauts'
network every day because I believe in this show.

1835
01:15:07,119 --> 01:15:08,800
And I'm telling
you, we should run the dress

1836
01:15:08,800 --> 01:15:10,720
rehearsal and claw
back a win next Saturday.

1837
01:15:11,000 --> 01:15:13,159
It's in everyone's
best interest, mainly yours.

1838
01:15:13,880 --> 01:15:14,720
Sorry, was that a threat?

1839
01:15:15,279 --> 01:15:16,439
No. What? No.

1840
01:15:17,439 --> 01:15:18,760
Lauren, all I'm
trying to do is give you advice.

1841
01:15:19,800 --> 01:15:20,439
25 minutes!

1842
01:15:22,479 --> 01:15:25,079
Thanks for the advice, but
we can't. Dick, it's a live show.

1843
01:15:25,079 --> 01:15:26,199
No one's gonna know the difference.

1844
01:15:26,199 --> 01:15:26,840
We just can't.

1845
01:15:26,840 --> 01:15:29,840
Lauren, you need to start addressing
your concept of what you can and cannot do.

1846
01:15:29,840 --> 01:15:32,800
We can't because there is no
tape. I didn't record the dress rehearsal.

1847
01:15:33,800 --> 01:15:35,439
So don't have to argue about it.

1848
01:15:36,840 --> 01:15:37,479
You didn't what?

1849
01:15:38,479 --> 01:15:39,600
We just have to make it to air.

1850
01:15:39,760 --> 01:15:41,439
Lauren, I'm not
gonna be able to protect you.

1851
01:15:41,439 --> 01:15:42,199
I'm used to that.

1852
01:15:42,199 --> 01:15:45,800
Oh, screw you. Do you
know how much bullshit never

1853
01:15:45,800 --> 01:15:47,760
makes it to your ears
because I'm the wall they hit?

1854
01:15:47,800 --> 01:15:50,000
Tell that to your
polaroid rep. She's cute.

1855
01:15:50,399 --> 01:15:54,239
I'm sorry. You need a sponsor for a
show that can't pull a single advertiser.

1856
01:15:54,560 --> 01:15:56,239
You know they're
giving out the ads for free.

1857
01:15:56,720 --> 01:15:59,720
NBC is lucky to have
something as relevant as the show.

1858
01:16:00,039 --> 01:16:00,880
Lauren, they don't even want it.

1859
01:16:00,880 --> 01:16:03,399
That's logical, Dick. That's
why they're paying us all to be here.

1860
01:16:06,800 --> 01:16:10,039
They want you to
fail. They're betting on it.

1861
01:16:10,439 --> 01:16:10,840
Really?

1862
01:16:11,680 --> 01:16:14,199
NBC makes more money
playing ruins of the Tonight Show, eh?

1863
01:16:14,319 --> 01:16:14,760
So why don't they?

1864
01:16:14,800 --> 01:16:16,439
It's a contract dispute.

1865
01:16:16,720 --> 01:16:18,159
Lauren, I mean,
they're trying to prove to

1866
01:16:18,159 --> 01:16:20,239
Johnny Carson that
the reruns are inevitable,

1867
01:16:20,239 --> 01:16:22,880
so they built a show
that was guaranteed to fail.

1868
01:16:23,640 --> 01:16:25,920
I mean, Lauren, 90
minutes of live television by a

1869
01:16:25,920 --> 01:16:28,239
group of 20-year-olds
who have never made anything.

1870
01:16:28,560 --> 01:16:30,479
Do you ever stop and
wonder why they said yes?

1871
01:16:31,079 --> 01:16:34,079
A counterculture
show starring total unknowns

1872
01:16:34,079 --> 01:16:36,359
with zero narrative
and even less structure.

1873
01:16:36,600 --> 01:16:40,760
Are you that fucking arrogant
that you never even questioned this?

1874
01:16:41,800 --> 01:16:47,399
Now look, you want to know what's
going to happen at 11.30 tonight, okay?

1875
01:16:48,239 --> 01:16:51,640
Your actors will be on their
marks. Bands tuned up, all ready to go.

1876
01:16:51,800 --> 01:16:54,680
Joe will be hollering out the
countdown, and you'll be in the control room,

1877
01:16:54,680 --> 01:16:57,159
and Dave Tebbe will be
standing probably right next to you.

1878
01:16:57,159 --> 01:16:59,199
And when those
screens go black, he will raise

1879
01:16:59,199 --> 01:17:02,079
his big-ass,
jeweled-up index finger and say,

1880
01:17:02,079 --> 01:17:04,319
"Go to Carson, and that will be that."

1881
01:17:04,840 --> 01:17:05,760
You blew it.

1882
01:17:06,159 --> 01:17:07,079
You blew it.

1883
01:17:10,800 --> 01:17:15,720
And listen, I know you all make
fun of me and my clothes behind my back,

1884
01:17:16,520 --> 01:17:21,800
but when I'm killing myself for
this show, also, pull the radio score.

1885
01:17:35,800 --> 01:17:39,399
(door opens)

1886
01:17:39,399 --> 01:17:40,680
(door closes)

1887
01:17:42,960 --> 01:17:44,159
Oh shit, Lauren.

1888
01:17:44,159 --> 01:17:44,399
It worked!

1889
01:17:50,560 --> 01:17:51,239
Nice work, fellas.

1890
01:17:51,920 --> 01:17:54,560
A little heavy on
the flow, but very funny.

1891
01:17:55,520 --> 01:17:56,760
Sorry about the clothes.

1892
01:17:57,079 --> 01:17:57,640
And your face.

1893
01:18:00,039 --> 01:18:04,159
Art is but a
measure of sacrifice and tears.

1894
01:18:05,920 --> 01:18:08,279
Not quite ready for tonight,
but I'll keep it on a special list.

1895
01:18:11,119 --> 01:18:11,680
Special list?

1896
01:18:26,279 --> 01:18:26,399
Lobby.

1897
01:18:30,800 --> 01:18:32,439
This an okay time?

1898
01:18:34,359 --> 01:18:34,600
Ideal?

1899
01:18:36,039 --> 01:18:42,239
Look, I know what people say when
they see a man with his arm up a-muppet,

1900
01:18:43,840 --> 01:18:47,319
but this isn't just kid stuff.

1901
01:18:48,479 --> 01:18:51,079
I believe deep in my heart that there is

1902
01:18:51,079 --> 01:18:55,199
room for
high-stakes puppetry on grown-up TV,

1903
01:18:55,840 --> 01:18:59,640
and I get the sense that some of the

1904
01:18:59,640 --> 01:19:02,640
writers on the 17th
floor don't share that dream.

1905
01:19:05,800 --> 01:19:06,720
You didn't like the pages?

1906
01:19:10,039 --> 01:19:11,319
There were no pages.

1907
01:19:13,600 --> 01:19:14,560
It's a fair criticism.

1908
01:19:17,359 --> 01:19:17,800
For show.

1909
01:19:19,039 --> 01:19:19,720
For show, sir.

1910
01:19:20,960 --> 01:19:21,439
For show.

1911
01:19:23,800 --> 01:19:25,319
Oh, you can take a slip, guys. For show.

1912
01:19:26,199 --> 01:19:27,039
That's still young?

1913
01:19:28,279 --> 01:19:29,359
Alright, let's go in.

1914
01:19:34,800 --> 01:19:35,760
Thank you.

1915
01:19:36,640 --> 01:19:37,159
Lone Island.

1916
01:19:37,760 --> 01:19:38,640
There's the people park.

1917
01:19:39,439 --> 01:19:39,680
Hello?

1918
01:20:11,039 --> 01:20:11,479
[music]

1919
01:20:11,479 --> 01:20:14,640
The enjoyable thing
they've done to America, even

1920
01:20:14,640 --> 01:20:17,439
though my
great-grandfather actually fought for some award,

1921
01:20:18,319 --> 01:20:19,520
he fought for the West.

1922
01:20:20,800 --> 01:20:22,399
Jesus Christ.

1923
01:20:23,119 --> 01:20:24,680
He's drunk. He's in front of the bench.

1924
01:20:24,920 --> 01:20:26,800
The jokes and say we
brought you in for drink.

1925
01:20:27,319 --> 01:20:28,880
And the drunk goes,
"Great, what do we have?"

1926
01:20:30,800 --> 01:20:31,800
That's not the punch.

1927
01:20:32,800 --> 01:20:34,239
Jesus fucking bullshit.

1928
01:20:34,720 --> 01:20:35,520
What's happening here?

1929
01:20:36,439 --> 01:20:39,319
I get paid seven bucks
in joke if it gets a laugh,

1930
01:20:39,319 --> 01:20:43,159
which Puts has taken
bulletproof material and flown it with lead.

1931
01:20:43,159 --> 01:20:43,920
You wrote his jokes?

1932
01:20:44,239 --> 01:20:47,399
Yeah, I wrote things that
vaguely resemble the things that he's saying.

1933
01:20:47,800 --> 01:20:50,119
Why didn't you
just perform them yourself?

1934
01:20:51,560 --> 01:20:53,319
Look at me. This is
how much I sweat offstage.

1935
01:20:53,920 --> 01:20:55,600
I get home from work the other night.

1936
01:20:56,079 --> 01:20:58,159
I see my wife in bed with my best friend.

1937
01:20:58,760 --> 01:21:01,039
I say to him, I go, "I have to, but you?"

1938
01:21:01,800 --> 01:21:02,399
Oh my God.

1939
01:21:02,399 --> 01:21:03,000
How many have in here?

1940
01:21:03,840 --> 01:21:05,640
About 1,100. There's single space.

1941
01:21:06,680 --> 01:21:07,840
Sorry, do you mind if I go through?

1942
01:21:08,079 --> 01:21:09,159
Bring us the next comedian.

1943
01:21:09,479 --> 01:21:10,000
Go for it.

1944
01:21:10,239 --> 01:21:11,640
I'm sure you'll hate him too.

1945
01:21:15,119 --> 01:21:15,640
Move.

1946
01:21:19,800 --> 01:21:22,640
That was fucking rough shit, crowds.

1947
01:21:22,760 --> 01:21:23,399
Yeah, that was it.

1948
01:21:25,600 --> 01:21:26,600
Hey, come on. What's with the quarters?

1949
01:21:26,840 --> 01:21:30,359
Well, I changed the
punch line from 46 to 49 for the

1950
01:21:30,359 --> 01:21:33,319
line about to be with
much bigger laugh, by the way,

1951
01:21:33,319 --> 01:21:35,000
so that means I only owe you 350.

1952
01:21:35,840 --> 01:21:36,640
You want a job?

1953
01:21:37,039 --> 01:21:37,720
That would be great.

1954
01:21:37,920 --> 01:21:39,720
I want a length of
rope and a sturdy beam.

1955
01:21:40,119 --> 01:21:40,760
How much do you need to live?

1956
01:21:41,800 --> 01:21:43,600
Like three bucks an hour in my day job.

1957
01:21:44,079 --> 01:21:45,319
Tell him what you really do.

1958
01:21:45,720 --> 01:21:46,159
Tell him.

1959
01:21:46,159 --> 01:21:47,880
He's the deli boy, okay?

1960
01:21:48,159 --> 01:21:52,920
He's a schmuck in a little paper hack
who slices the pastrami behind the counter,

1961
01:21:53,199 --> 01:21:54,439
and you can barely do that.

1962
01:21:54,760 --> 01:21:55,920
Tell him what you did to your face.

1963
01:21:56,159 --> 01:21:56,560
You're hired.

1964
01:21:56,840 --> 01:21:57,239
Lorne Michaels.

1965
01:21:58,039 --> 01:21:58,720
He's not helping.

1966
01:21:59,079 --> 01:22:00,439
Are you fucking kidding me?

1967
01:22:00,680 --> 01:22:02,640
You'd be better off buying the pastrami.

1968
01:22:02,640 --> 01:22:02,880
Let's go.

1969
01:22:03,079 --> 01:22:04,000
Wait, what? When do we start?

1970
01:22:04,800 --> 01:22:06,439
Um, Jesus Christ.

1971
01:22:07,800 --> 01:22:09,920
You can't. You better not leave.

1972
01:22:10,960 --> 01:22:12,680
This is not going to be good for you.

1973
01:22:12,680 --> 01:22:13,920
I was going to take you to Reno.

1974
01:22:18,239 --> 01:22:23,640
Oh, look at that form.

1975
01:22:24,720 --> 01:22:24,800
Beautiful.

1976
01:22:36,800 --> 01:22:40,079
Do you ever have nostalgia
for a moment while you're still in it?

1977
01:22:42,560 --> 01:22:48,880
I mean, like, you're in the
moment, but you're also looking back on it.

1978
01:22:49,119 --> 01:22:53,159
Like, right now, I'm here, but I'm also

1979
01:22:53,159 --> 01:22:56,119
thinking about this
moment 20 years from now.

1980
01:22:56,800 --> 01:22:58,159
We're walking by this ice rink.

1981
01:22:59,279 --> 01:23:03,520
Uh, Mary's Christmas, and
our kids are dragging us by our face.

1982
01:23:03,800 --> 01:23:09,079
And we got presents
loaded on our shoulders, and all we

1983
01:23:09,079 --> 01:23:12,119
can think about is this
moment right before we went on TV.

1984
01:23:16,279 --> 01:23:22,279
You know, the NBC Liability
Act was originally from ice skating.

1985
01:23:24,119 --> 01:23:25,079
I found John.

1986
01:23:25,600 --> 01:23:26,399
Oh, excellent, Lorne.

1987
01:23:26,399 --> 01:23:27,760
Good thing I didn't sign my contract.

1988
01:23:27,800 --> 01:23:32,720
What's the deal, John?

1989
01:23:34,920 --> 01:23:35,960
You on the show or not?

1990
01:23:41,319 --> 01:23:43,560
Lorne, it gets dressed
up like a giant grotesque bee?

1991
01:23:45,000 --> 01:23:46,720
I don't know. Let
me ask my childhood dreams.

1992
01:23:50,800 --> 01:23:52,760
I want to try a triple axel.

1993
01:23:52,800 --> 01:23:57,600
Now, how about a single axel?

1994
01:23:58,119 --> 01:24:04,239
I figure I can either
pull off a triple or die trying.

1995
01:24:05,880 --> 01:24:06,920
Those are the options?

1996
01:24:15,399 --> 01:24:19,800
Okay, John, I support it.

1997
01:24:22,800 --> 01:24:28,079
Oh, God.

1998
01:24:40,520 --> 01:24:41,439
He's gonna break something.

1999
01:24:41,840 --> 01:24:42,399
Oh, God.

2000
01:24:44,239 --> 01:24:46,439
Oh, fuck.

2001
01:24:47,039 --> 01:24:47,239
John?

2002
01:24:48,359 --> 01:24:48,600
Yes.

2003
01:24:48,960 --> 01:24:49,159
Fuck.

2004
01:24:49,640 --> 01:24:50,359
Are you okay?

2005
01:24:53,800 --> 01:24:56,640
You all right? I yield.

2006
01:24:58,600 --> 01:24:59,439
I accept your surrender.

2007
01:25:00,119 --> 01:25:02,079
Do you want me to help you up?

2008
01:25:03,119 --> 01:25:06,079
No, I'm just gonna lie here for a minute.

2009
01:25:08,359 --> 01:25:09,520
Okay, sure. Yeah.

2010
01:25:11,079 --> 01:25:12,039
We have all the time in the world.

2011
01:25:16,800 --> 01:25:19,239
Who is that asshole anyway?

2012
01:25:21,199 --> 01:25:21,800
It's Prometheus.

2013
01:25:22,800 --> 01:25:26,199
He stole fire from the
cauldron of the gods, gave it to man,

2014
01:25:26,199 --> 01:25:27,920
so he could have science and the arts.

2015
01:25:30,800 --> 01:25:31,199
Oh.

2016
01:25:32,439 --> 01:25:33,359
All right, I'm gonna head back up.

2017
01:25:34,920 --> 01:25:36,239
We have a show to put on him.

2018
01:25:37,039 --> 01:25:38,319
I'd like to be there when I get fired.

2019
01:25:40,600 --> 01:25:42,039
I'd hope to see you there too, John.

2020
01:26:03,760 --> 01:26:03,960
Hey.

2021
01:26:04,119 --> 01:26:04,399
Hey.

2022
01:26:04,640 --> 01:26:06,640
Heard you needed a
quick change from the last act.

2023
01:26:06,960 --> 01:26:08,560
Thank you.

2024
01:26:11,119 --> 01:26:16,640
What did you guys
say when I get up there?

2025
01:26:16,920 --> 01:26:17,600
How should I know?

2026
01:26:17,800 --> 01:26:18,199
You're the writer.

2027
01:26:18,600 --> 01:26:19,479
You're the talker.

2028
01:26:20,800 --> 01:26:21,600
You're the pale-off-the-grain.

2029
01:26:23,800 --> 01:26:34,479
Sorry. Rose, I wrote the offended
if you don't want to use my last name.

2030
01:26:35,640 --> 01:26:37,239
It's not your last name, Lipowitz.

2031
01:26:42,119 --> 01:26:42,560
Whoa.

2032
01:26:43,119 --> 01:26:44,399
Check it out. Full house, right?

2033
01:26:44,800 --> 01:26:45,840
What did you tell them?

2034
01:26:45,840 --> 01:26:48,199
Well, I kind of had a lie a
little bit, but the vibes are really good.

2035
01:26:48,199 --> 01:26:48,960
Can we start to let them in?

2036
01:26:49,800 --> 01:26:53,239
All right. Five
minutes, guys. Ten minutes tops.

2037
01:26:53,239 --> 01:26:54,239
Let's keep these vibes going.

2038
01:27:00,800 --> 01:27:01,399
Adequate.

2039
01:27:01,800 --> 01:27:05,239
Adequate.

2040
01:27:05,239 --> 01:27:07,359
Can you imagine being first up?

2041
01:27:07,359 --> 01:27:08,600
Opening the show and all.

2042
01:27:08,600 --> 01:27:10,159
Millions of people trying to decide.

2043
01:27:10,159 --> 01:27:12,039
How they want to
spend their Saturday night.

2044
01:27:12,039 --> 01:27:12,960
What's the first thing they see?

2045
01:27:13,520 --> 01:27:14,760
No logo, no intro.

2046
01:27:14,760 --> 01:27:16,239
No, just a close-up of your pretty face.

2047
01:27:16,479 --> 01:27:16,720
Nah.

2048
01:27:16,720 --> 01:27:17,760
Nah, who gives a fuck, right?

2049
01:27:17,800 --> 01:27:19,960
Yeah, it's just a bunch of
animals watching their lava lamps.

2050
01:27:19,960 --> 01:27:20,640
They're gonna do great.

2051
01:27:20,920 --> 01:27:21,760
Yeah. Fuck off.

2052
01:27:21,760 --> 01:27:22,600
We're pulling for you.

2053
01:27:22,600 --> 01:27:23,119
Break a leg.

2054
01:27:25,760 --> 01:27:27,760
You the writer Lauren found in a bar?

2055
01:27:28,800 --> 01:27:31,760
It's a slightly romantic video
of the story, but yeah, I guess so.

2056
01:27:31,760 --> 01:27:32,119
All right.

2057
01:27:33,079 --> 01:27:34,119
Well, jump on in, Portersmore.

2058
01:27:34,359 --> 01:27:34,760
Okay.

2059
01:27:35,439 --> 01:27:36,760
Okay, quiet, please.

2060
01:27:37,279 --> 01:27:38,279
Work stops now.

2061
01:27:38,279 --> 01:27:39,359
We're home for a sound check.

2062
01:27:40,279 --> 01:27:41,399
Who wants to do the sound check?

2063
01:27:41,399 --> 01:27:43,079
Garrett, don't you know a song?

2064
01:27:44,399 --> 01:27:44,600
Who?

2065
01:27:46,520 --> 01:27:46,800
Um.

2066
01:27:47,199 --> 01:27:49,720
Uh, you?

2067
01:27:50,159 --> 01:27:53,119
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

2068
01:27:54,039 --> 01:27:58,840
I'm

2069
01:27:58,840 --> 01:27:59,920
gone.

2070
01:28:02,039 --> 01:28:04,560
Get me a shotgun and
kill all the whities I see.

2071
01:28:05,399 --> 01:28:08,159
I'm gonna get me a shotgun
and kill all the whities I see.

2072
01:28:09,119 --> 01:28:10,760
When I kill all the whities I see,

2073
01:28:10,800 --> 01:28:14,840
Then whities won't bother me.

2074
01:28:16,359 --> 01:28:18,760
Get me a shotgun and
kill all the whities I see.

2075
01:28:19,720 --> 01:28:22,640
I'm gonna get me a
shotgun and kill all the whities I see

2076
01:28:22,800 --> 01:28:27,039
I'm gonna get me a shotgun
and kill all the whities I see.

2077
01:28:27,640 --> 01:28:29,640
When I kill all the whities I see,

2078
01:28:29,800 --> 01:28:32,760
Why did he want to bother me?

2079
01:28:34,159 --> 01:28:34,359
Go!

2080
01:28:34,840 --> 01:28:36,199
got to kill all the whities

2081
01:28:37,800 --> 01:28:38,079
I'm gonna kill all the white guys

2082
01:28:38,800 --> 01:28:39,880
I'm gonna kill all the white guys

2083
01:28:39,960 --> 01:28:40,359
I see

2084
01:28:42,439 --> 01:28:45,880
(audience cheering)

2085
01:28:45,880 --> 01:28:46,640
(audience applauding)

2086
01:28:46,640 --> 01:28:50,640
(audience chattering)

2087
01:28:50,640 --> 01:28:52,920
(audience applauding)

2088
01:28:52,920 --> 01:28:53,920
(audience chattering)

2089
01:28:56,800 --> 01:28:59,720
Gentlemen, how long
have you been standing there?

2090
01:29:00,439 --> 01:29:00,800
Long enough.

2091
01:29:01,199 --> 01:29:02,760
Lorne, we need to let the audience in.

2092
01:29:03,119 --> 01:29:03,680
Oh, you don't?

2093
01:29:04,439 --> 01:29:05,399
(audience laughing)

2094
01:29:06,800 --> 01:29:09,000
Perhaps you'll keep it
sound quite ready for front time.

2095
01:29:09,439 --> 01:29:10,439
What are you talking about?

2096
01:29:11,520 --> 01:29:12,600
Look around, Lorne.

2097
01:29:13,319 --> 01:29:14,439
You haven't locked a script.

2098
01:29:15,279 --> 01:29:16,319
Your actors are missing.

2099
01:29:16,720 --> 01:29:19,560
Your crew is in open rebellion.

2100
01:29:21,560 --> 01:29:23,800
(audience laughing)

2101
01:29:24,439 --> 01:29:25,920
I didn't mean laughing at you in Burbank.

2102
01:29:27,439 --> 01:29:28,520
Burbank, excuse me?

2103
01:29:28,520 --> 01:29:29,640
This is New York fucking City.

2104
01:29:30,119 --> 01:29:30,520
Who is she?

2105
01:29:31,079 --> 01:29:32,840
She's complicated.

2106
01:29:33,720 --> 01:29:34,760
We have a hell of a show.

2107
01:29:34,800 --> 01:29:36,039
We have two bands.

2108
01:29:36,399 --> 01:29:38,640
We have seven of the
brightest comedy minds alive.

2109
01:29:38,960 --> 01:29:40,119
Do you even know where they are?

2110
01:29:40,880 --> 01:29:41,680
Most of them, yes.

2111
01:29:42,800 --> 01:29:45,439
Maybe just try again next Saturday.

2112
01:29:45,840 --> 01:29:46,640
Don't do that, come on.

2113
01:29:46,880 --> 01:29:49,359
Everybody in this room
has been killing themselves

2114
01:29:49,359 --> 01:29:51,560
to make something
special, to make something innovative

2115
01:29:51,560 --> 01:29:52,920
and actually good for a change.

2116
01:29:53,199 --> 01:29:53,800
For a change?

2117
01:29:53,800 --> 01:29:55,399
Don't tell me that
you've been doing this so long

2118
01:29:55,399 --> 01:29:58,039
that you can't even
recognize the potential for greatness

2119
01:29:58,039 --> 01:29:59,640
when it's right in front of your face.

2120
01:30:01,800 --> 01:30:03,760
Do you even know what this show is?

2121
01:30:19,800 --> 01:30:37,279
Tell me. Show me what?

2122
01:30:37,640 --> 01:30:39,079
Show me Saturday night.

2123
01:30:39,479 --> 01:30:40,600
Are we alive unless--

2124
01:30:40,720 --> 01:30:41,199
Ten minutes!

2125
01:30:41,239 --> 01:30:42,399
No you don't.

2126
01:30:45,560 --> 01:30:46,119
Show me.

2127
01:30:51,880 --> 01:30:54,720
(audience laughing)

2128
01:30:54,720 --> 01:30:57,760
(upbeat music)

2129
01:30:58,760 --> 01:31:01,720
Mr. Trouble never hangs around

2130
01:31:02,640 --> 01:31:02,760
When he hears the sound of a song

2131
01:31:02,760 --> 01:31:05,960
He's a little bit more than a song He's a little bit more than a
song He's a little bit more than a song When he hears this mighty sound

2132
01:31:07,159 --> 01:31:09,840
Here I come to save the day

2133
01:31:10,399 --> 01:31:11,840
That means that mighty must

2134
01:31:12,399 --> 01:31:13,319
And his own away

2135
01:31:14,800 --> 01:31:16,319
So though we are in danger

2136
01:31:16,680 --> 01:31:17,760
We never despair

2137
01:31:18,399 --> 01:31:20,159
Cause we know that birth is danger

2138
01:31:20,439 --> 01:31:21,239
He is the one

2139
01:31:21,359 --> 01:31:22,239
He is the one

2140
01:31:22,439 --> 01:31:24,039
On the land of the sea

2141
01:31:24,439 --> 01:31:25,439
In the air

2142
01:31:26,800 --> 01:31:27,800
We're not born

2143
01:31:28,760 --> 01:31:30,119
(audience laughing)

2144
01:31:33,800 --> 01:31:36,680
Here I come to save the day

2145
01:31:41,479 --> 01:31:41,600
(audience laughing)

2146
01:31:46,800 --> 01:31:48,800
Andy, you're a genius.

2147
01:31:49,239 --> 01:31:49,840
Save your voice.

2148
01:31:52,600 --> 01:31:53,439
Well, on Weekend Update.

2149
01:31:54,359 --> 01:31:55,119
Weekend Update!

2150
01:31:55,880 --> 01:31:56,119
Okay. Go!

2151
01:31:57,079 --> 01:31:58,119
All right, you take it.

2152
01:31:58,600 --> 01:31:59,319
What do you mean?

2153
01:31:59,680 --> 01:32:00,239
Show me his face.

2154
01:32:00,680 --> 01:32:01,119
Are you sure?

2155
01:32:02,039 --> 01:32:02,720
You were born for this.

2156
01:32:03,119 --> 01:32:03,560
Trust me.

2157
01:32:04,640 --> 01:32:06,239
Should I make up a
name for the news anchor?

2158
01:32:06,279 --> 01:32:07,039
Oh, use Chevy Chase.

2159
01:32:07,680 --> 01:32:08,840
No one will believe it.

2160
01:32:08,880 --> 01:32:09,399
Here we are.

2161
01:32:11,199 --> 01:32:12,039
Hey, remember this.

2162
01:32:12,720 --> 01:32:14,239
When you look into the lens,

2163
01:32:14,840 --> 01:32:16,680
you're making eye contact with America.

2164
01:32:18,520 --> 01:32:22,520
And now Weekend Update with Chevy Chase.

2165
01:32:27,399 --> 01:32:30,800
They don't.

2166
01:32:32,079 --> 01:32:32,439
What are you wearing?

2167
01:32:34,439 --> 01:32:35,439
Is that why I hear purring?

2168
01:32:37,359 --> 01:32:38,119
What do you got for me?

2169
01:32:39,079 --> 01:32:39,640
It's my favorite.

2170
01:32:45,720 --> 01:32:46,039
Good evening.

2171
01:32:46,600 --> 01:32:46,840
Good evening.

2172
01:32:47,319 --> 01:32:48,000
I'm Chevy Chase.

2173
01:32:48,640 --> 01:32:49,800
The post office announced today

2174
01:32:49,800 --> 01:32:51,039
that it's going to issue a stamp

2175
01:32:51,039 --> 01:32:53,359
commemorating
prostitution in the United States.

2176
01:32:53,960 --> 01:32:54,920
It's a 10 cent stamp,

2177
01:32:55,239 --> 01:32:56,800
but if you want to
lick it, it's a quarter.

2178
01:32:57,560 --> 01:32:59,000
(audience laughing)

2179
01:33:01,800 --> 01:33:03,000
All right, everyone.

2180
01:33:03,000 --> 01:33:04,199
Eight minutes to showtime.

2181
01:33:05,800 --> 01:33:06,760
Open the doors.

2182
01:33:07,319 --> 01:33:08,079
Oh, thank God.

2183
01:33:09,399 --> 01:33:11,039
Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Preston.

2184
01:33:13,880 --> 01:33:15,840
Breakfast with folks,
you're in for a real treat.

2185
01:33:17,159 --> 01:33:17,479
Yeah!

2186
01:33:19,479 --> 01:33:21,439
(upbeat music)

2187
01:33:21,800 --> 01:33:24,119
Nothing, nothing leaves nothing

2188
01:33:25,520 --> 01:33:26,159
You gotta have something.

2189
01:33:27,239 --> 01:33:28,199
Lord, do you remember Carl?

2190
01:33:28,560 --> 01:33:28,760
Carl.

2191
01:33:29,119 --> 01:33:30,760
Ooh, Carl, have you
ever used one of these before?

2192
01:33:30,800 --> 01:33:31,600
Not once.

2193
01:33:32,119 --> 01:33:33,319
No picking up in no time.

2194
01:33:34,159 --> 01:33:35,520
You gotta have something

2195
01:33:36,520 --> 01:33:38,039
If you want to be with me

2196
01:33:43,359 --> 01:33:46,680
Come on, guys, grab a brick.

2197
01:33:47,159 --> 01:33:49,399
Let's try to be your hero

2198
01:33:50,640 --> 01:33:51,760
Cause that's the hero

2199
01:33:52,560 --> 01:33:53,800
It's too cold for me

2200
01:33:54,880 --> 01:33:58,279
Let's try to be your hero

2201
01:33:58,520 --> 01:33:58,760
I heard you needed pages.

2202
01:33:59,800 --> 01:34:01,159
Oh, thanks, Mike.

2203
01:34:01,520 --> 01:34:02,960
It's too low to see

2204
01:34:05,159 --> 01:34:05,439
Come on.

2205
01:34:07,439 --> 01:34:07,840
Oh, no.

2206
01:34:12,840 --> 01:34:14,920
Big question, what is a golden shower?

2207
01:34:15,800 --> 01:34:19,640
Oh, it's a yoga
ritual in which practitioners

2208
01:34:19,800 --> 01:34:22,760
screed the new day by
allowing the golden rays of sun

2209
01:34:22,800 --> 01:34:24,279
to-- Shower.

2210
01:34:24,319 --> 01:34:26,039
Over their skin
and warm their chocolates.

2211
01:34:26,439 --> 01:34:26,760
That's a California thing.

2212
01:34:27,359 --> 01:34:29,199
I've had at least 50 golden showers.

2213
01:34:30,039 --> 01:34:31,079
You heard him, Joan.

2214
01:34:31,119 --> 01:34:32,399
Sign the damn strip, we're going to air.

2215
01:34:37,800 --> 01:34:39,720
Nothing, nothing, nothing

2216
01:34:41,600 --> 01:34:42,439
You gotta have something

2217
01:34:43,359 --> 01:34:44,760
If you want to be with me

2218
01:34:47,239 --> 01:34:49,520
Don't you remember I told you

2219
01:34:50,359 --> 01:34:51,920
That I'm a soldier

2220
01:34:53,520 --> 01:34:53,760
You heard him, Wes and Kay,

2221
01:34:53,800 --> 01:34:57,199
bring Model 19 combat
magnum, Wally, you son of a bitch.

2222
01:34:57,239 --> 01:34:58,119
Hey, you asked.

2223
01:34:58,119 --> 01:34:59,680
Wally, my man, you got something for me?

2224
01:35:01,079 --> 01:35:01,680
Yes, you do.

2225
01:35:02,359 --> 01:35:04,359
George, I want you to
apologize for how you were treated.

2226
01:35:04,720 --> 01:35:05,520
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

2227
01:35:06,079 --> 01:35:07,119
Are you having a stroke?

2228
01:35:07,119 --> 01:35:07,319
Uh.

2229
01:35:07,760 --> 01:35:08,520
You need more cup?

2230
01:35:08,520 --> 01:35:08,720
Uh.

2231
01:35:09,800 --> 01:35:10,720
I'm a danny.

2232
01:35:12,640 --> 01:35:20,760
Come on, come on, guys.

2233
01:35:20,800 --> 01:35:23,359
Watch your fingers.

2234
01:35:23,640 --> 01:35:24,680
Come on, guys.

2235
01:35:30,279 --> 01:35:32,039
Oh, boy.

2236
01:35:32,800 --> 01:35:33,159
Block jaw.

2237
01:35:34,199 --> 01:35:35,279
It's too much cocaine.

2238
01:35:35,279 --> 01:35:36,520
It's season up the old Minded Mueller's.

2239
01:35:36,520 --> 01:35:38,000
Let's get some fingerloan in there, huh?

2240
01:35:38,399 --> 01:35:39,680
Yeah, a little bit of this will be fine.

2241
01:35:40,399 --> 01:35:40,840
Okay, great.

2242
01:35:41,239 --> 01:35:41,600
Here we go.

2243
01:35:51,800 --> 01:35:53,159
There we go.

2244
01:35:53,600 --> 01:35:54,119
Nothing for nothing.

2245
01:35:56,840 --> 01:35:57,760
Nothing for nothing.

2246
01:36:01,199 --> 01:36:05,039
Can you get that wig in 30 seconds?

2247
01:36:05,079 --> 01:36:05,640
It's got a bust.

2248
01:36:05,760 --> 01:36:06,760
Has the heads in gone as pages?

2249
01:36:07,000 --> 01:36:07,399
Love them.

2250
01:36:07,680 --> 01:36:08,760
And will that crane get there?

2251
01:36:08,760 --> 01:36:09,159
We'll, huh?

2252
01:36:09,279 --> 01:36:10,199
Should you trim the fan on that?

2253
01:36:10,199 --> 01:36:10,920
I'm ready on key parts.

2254
01:36:11,880 --> 01:36:13,279
Lorraine, I don't
think you can make the change.

2255
01:36:17,199 --> 01:36:17,479
Whoa.

2256
01:36:18,399 --> 01:36:18,760
I stand corrected.

2257
01:36:19,319 --> 01:36:20,279
Is that our show?

2258
01:36:21,359 --> 01:36:21,920
That's our show.

2259
01:36:22,520 --> 01:36:23,039
Three minutes.

2260
01:36:27,800 --> 01:36:29,079
Let's go.

2261
01:36:30,279 --> 01:36:31,479
Come on!

2262
01:36:31,760 --> 01:36:32,000
Come on!

2263
01:36:32,039 --> 01:36:32,239
Finally!

2264
01:36:36,079 --> 01:36:39,479
Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Preston.

2265
01:36:51,800 --> 01:37:02,279
[cheering]

2266
01:37:04,039 --> 01:37:05,000
I don't want to see this.

2267
01:37:05,399 --> 01:37:05,680
Photo!

2268
01:37:06,560 --> 01:37:06,760
Photo!

2269
01:37:06,800 --> 01:37:07,720
I want a photo!

2270
01:37:08,000 --> 01:37:09,039
I did not get the photo!

2271
01:37:09,039 --> 01:37:10,439
No, no, no, no,
no, we're not going there.

2272
01:37:10,439 --> 01:37:11,079
It's a small car!

2273
01:37:11,279 --> 01:37:12,399
Come on! You need to sit after this.

2274
01:37:12,399 --> 01:37:12,680
Come on!

2275
01:37:13,079 --> 01:37:14,960
I'm not leaving until I get my photo.

2276
01:37:15,159 --> 01:37:15,520
Come on!

2277
01:37:15,760 --> 01:37:17,079
I guess everybody go ahead there.

2278
01:37:17,760 --> 01:37:17,800
What?

2279
01:37:18,800 --> 01:37:19,600
Do we have a camera?

2280
01:37:21,880 --> 01:37:22,600
I have a camera.

2281
01:37:23,159 --> 01:37:24,119
Chris, come here!

2282
01:37:31,279 --> 01:37:34,399
All right, 60 seconds.

2283
01:37:34,600 --> 01:37:35,319
Come on, everyone.

2284
01:37:35,800 --> 01:37:36,720
Let's go, please.

2285
01:37:37,439 --> 01:37:37,760
One minute.

2286
01:37:38,359 --> 01:37:40,760
One minute.

2287
01:37:40,920 --> 01:37:45,479
What are we using it for again?

2288
01:37:45,520 --> 01:37:46,920
I don't really--

2289
01:37:47,199 --> 01:37:47,439
Sorry.

2290
01:37:48,800 --> 01:37:49,039
Thanks.

2291
01:37:50,800 --> 01:37:52,359
Rocky, wake up!

2292
01:37:52,760 --> 01:37:53,239
Okay, come on.

2293
01:37:53,640 --> 01:37:53,840
Please.

2294
01:37:55,199 --> 01:37:57,359
Oh, uh, Rosie, we need
your last name for the credits.

2295
01:37:58,920 --> 01:37:59,439
Oh, sure, sure.

2296
01:37:59,439 --> 01:37:59,680
She has a character.

2297
01:38:05,600 --> 01:38:06,239
40 seconds!

2298
01:38:07,359 --> 01:38:08,560
Can we get a mic check, please?

2299
01:38:10,079 --> 01:38:14,279
Um, one, two, um, three--

2300
01:38:14,560 --> 01:38:15,680
Somebody's got their hips.

2301
01:38:15,960 --> 01:38:16,520
20 seconds.

2302
01:38:16,800 --> 01:38:17,760
It's called an Acosta.

2303
01:38:17,800 --> 01:38:18,399
Yeah, thanks.

2304
01:38:18,399 --> 01:38:19,560
I was on a teeter and jack-hip.

2305
01:38:20,000 --> 01:38:21,319
Mr. Collin, may we get a mic check?

2306
01:38:21,800 --> 01:38:22,720
One, two, thank you.

2307
01:38:23,159 --> 01:38:23,399
Subtle.

2308
01:38:23,960 --> 01:38:25,439
Are the cars still queued for dead roll?

2309
01:38:25,520 --> 01:38:26,680
Are we going live or going to tape?

2310
01:38:31,359 --> 01:38:32,880
Free roll on BTR-14.

2311
01:38:37,840 --> 01:38:38,880
I think I rolled six.

2312
01:38:38,880 --> 01:38:39,199
I think I rolled six.

2313
01:38:39,520 --> 01:38:40,159
Ready on the fade.

2314
01:38:42,239 --> 01:38:43,760
Are we going live or going to tape?

2315
01:38:44,239 --> 01:38:44,439
Two.

2316
01:38:47,079 --> 01:38:47,600
Go live.

2317
01:38:47,800 --> 01:38:48,399
Okay, go live.

2318
01:38:48,680 --> 01:38:48,920
Go live!

2319
01:38:49,640 --> 01:38:51,880
Straight up and we are live!

2320
01:38:57,560 --> 01:38:59,119
Ready camera one? Take camera one.

2321
01:38:59,119 --> 01:38:59,560
Cue Belushi.

2322
01:39:03,840 --> 01:39:04,239
Cue John.

2323
01:39:04,600 --> 01:39:05,079
Where's John?

2324
01:39:05,319 --> 01:39:06,000
Why the hell is A?

2325
01:39:06,319 --> 01:39:06,800
Cue John!

2326
01:39:13,800 --> 01:39:15,840
(knocking)

2327
01:39:16,800 --> 01:39:24,880
(knocking)

2328
01:39:42,880 --> 01:39:43,119
Good evening.

2329
01:39:44,159 --> 01:39:44,439
Good evening.

2330
01:39:49,319 --> 01:39:50,680
Good evening.

2331
01:39:52,720 --> 01:39:54,600
Good evening.

2332
01:39:56,760 --> 01:39:58,680
Good evening.

2333
01:39:59,600 --> 01:39:59,800
Good evening.

2334
01:40:00,600 --> 01:40:01,239
Let us begin.

2335
01:40:02,439 --> 01:40:03,840
Repeat after me.

2336
01:40:06,319 --> 01:40:07,199
I would like.

2337
01:40:07,239 --> 01:40:08,119
I would like.

2338
01:40:09,319 --> 01:40:10,640
To feed your fingertips.

2339
01:40:10,960 --> 01:40:12,279
To feed your fingertips.

2340
01:40:14,479 --> 01:40:15,199
To the Wolverines.

2341
01:40:15,600 --> 01:40:15,760
To the Wolverines.

2342
01:40:15,760 --> 01:40:16,800
To the Wolverines. To the Wolverines.

2343
01:40:18,560 --> 01:40:18,840
Next.

2344
01:40:19,960 --> 01:40:20,479
I am afraid.

2345
01:40:20,800 --> 01:40:21,640
I am afraid.

2346
01:40:22,239 --> 01:40:23,039
We are out.

2347
01:40:23,279 --> 01:40:24,039
We are out.

2348
01:40:24,880 --> 01:40:25,720
Of badgers.

2349
01:40:25,760 --> 01:40:26,399
Of badgers.

2350
01:40:28,640 --> 01:40:29,399
Would you accept.

2351
01:40:30,119 --> 01:40:30,960
Would you accept.

2352
01:40:31,520 --> 01:40:32,119
A Wolverine.

2353
01:40:32,439 --> 01:40:32,960
A Wolverine.

2354
01:40:34,520 --> 01:40:35,079
In its place.

2355
01:40:35,439 --> 01:40:36,119
In its place.

2356
01:40:38,920 --> 01:40:39,239
Next.

2357
01:40:39,800 --> 01:40:40,560
Hey, Net Exclaimed.

2358
01:40:41,439 --> 01:40:42,439
Hey, Net Exclaimed.

2359
01:40:46,359 --> 01:40:46,920
Let's boil.

2360
01:40:47,279 --> 01:40:48,199
Let's boil.

2361
01:40:49,039 --> 01:40:49,680
The Wolverines.

2362
01:40:50,039 --> 01:40:50,920
The Wolverines.

2363
01:40:52,880 --> 01:40:53,159
Next.

2364
01:40:54,119 --> 01:40:54,319
To.

2365
01:41:15,800 --> 01:41:16,000
To.

2366
01:41:24,800 --> 01:41:27,359
Live from New York, it's Saturday night.